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"NINE LIVES - ON JANUARY 22, 2012"
Close your eyes. The sight is too much to bear. Don't cover your ears. You still need to hear. Nobody says it's easy, yet this is still reality. You may wonder why they all had to die. It only took one night, an intoxicated driver in a speeding car to get this far - sending nine lives out of sight... http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2012/01/23/car-crash-victim-s-father-wants-maximum-punishment.html http://www.ketiksaja.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/7kBISMpZqZ.jpg

REAL GIRLS VS. (TACKY) DRAMA QUEENS...:P
First of all, Happy Chinese New Years to all of you who are celebrating it today.:D So, this is also my last holiday before my GITE week. No problem.:) I'm still having fun anyway, eventhough I'm mostly all alone.:P I guess that's the advantage of being a freelance writer. You get used to solitude and know how to make a good use of it - so you don't feel (too) lonely. It's all good.:) I chatted with my good friend Githa again last night. She asked me about 'our brother' T, and I told her I hadn't really spoken to him again yet. Neither had she. Of course, again we both hope that he'll be alright. I think he is.:) At least that's the impression I get from his pics on FB. Speaking of FB, we were also laughing at our colleague Novel's FB status last night.xD*big evil grin* That childish girl complained about getting rejected online after she tried adding a few strangers to her list, only because they didn't know her and didn't want her to. Well, what can I say?:P Deal with it. That's just how (real) life is. What a dork!*rolls eyes and sneers* I mean, that girl should know that she's not all that. *deep sigh* Okay, sorry if I sound like a total bitch about her.:| I know how she's treated Githa and she has also insulted me once. Back when I was still at Panglima Polim, I once heard her complain about lack of money at the end of the month. In the name of empathy, I told her: "Yeah, I know the feeling." (I mean, that was what normally happened to everybody there.:P Come to think of it, why the fuss anyway?) Do you know what she did after that? She stared at me with her "What-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it?" attitude and sort of retorted: "But you're still living with your parents." I was taken aback at that. Whoa! So that's what you'd get for trying to be empathic. I mean, what's wrong with that? What's with the superiority bullshit about living on your own? Everyone has their reasons. I just stared back at her and she sensed my annoyance. She squirmed uncomfortably. "Uh, did I just insult you?" "No," I replied calmy...and rather flatly too. Then I gave her the bomb: "My dad has a stroke." She went pale with shock. Then a flush of redness swarmed over her cheeks with embarrassment. "Oh, my God," she breathed. "I didn't know that. I'm so sorry." Sure, sure.*rolls eyes* I know she wasn't being sincere about it, but I just let that slide. Not long after that, I only told Githa not to mind her so much. She's just a silly cow, often opening her big mouth without thinking first. Like the time she posted such a horrid FB status that says: "You can't be best friends without insulting each other.:)" Ha-ha.*sneers* After that, I won't be too surprised if her friends might gradually disappear (unless those who share her sick idea of 'friendship'.) That's why I believe Githa's stories about her being such a bitch to her, making fun of her looks and acting like she's much better - like, prettier and richer - than Githa. Ha! She has no idea what Githa has been through in her life, yet she never shows any sign of weakness or pathetic attempt at seeking for sympathy. It was hard for her, and I admire her courage and endurance. She speaks three languages (Indonesian, English, and Dutch) and never even bothers to show off or brag about it. If T prefers hanging out with Githa a lot more than those other girls, then I'm not too surprised. (Dewi is out of the question, because she's already married and also the most mature and graceful among us.:D) And I also know that those girls can't stand me either, even before Githa told me that. *sighs* Oh, well. Seriously, those girls need to grow up. (Except Githa and Dewi.) I mean, there are so many, more important stuff than just movies, fashion, boyfriends... Ugh. The Author/QB

"YOUR VERSION OF 'NORMAL' "
Can I be your version of 'normal'? Sorry that you don't see me as a regular girl. The kind that fits your requirements, or the type that meets your expectations. Should I be your version of 'normal', or why don't you just let me be me? I know I'm not your ideal of a 'typical beauty', or what you think a 'real woman' should be. Do I have to be your version of 'normal'? Does that even sound 'reasonable'? You wish for me to be somebody else, just to put your insecurity to rest. Wait, why should I? Why the hell would I? I'm not sorry for being me. Too bad that doesn't make you happy. It's a shame. You refuse to accept me for who I am, yet you insist that I should understand that a man like you cannot be changed. Can I be your version of 'normal'? Well, even if I could, that would be terrible. I'm not trading my sanity only to get you to like me. Oh, what a horrid idea! My answer to your demands is:'NO!' Now it's time for you to go. The Author/QB

WHAT ELSE? WHAT'S NEXT?:P
First of all, I'd like to wish my best friend Tiger a happy birthday.:D He's turning 26 today! Alright, secondly - my GITE training starts next Tuesday in Fatmawati.:) I think I'm really looking forward to it now. It's going to be for the entire week. (That means, no teaching schedule for me.) I know that I won't get paid for doing that, but I don't really care.*shrugs* It's important. It's going to help me with my job/career. And I also consider this as my temporary getaway from my boring routines.:P Perhaps I'll also get to meet more interesting people there later.:) Samuel = Ryan Gosling's dead-ringer?*big evil grin*:P Of course, I'm a normal girl. What do you think? Hehe.:P Third, Evanescence's concert.:O*gasps* At last, they're coming to perform here...in PRJ Kemayoran, North-Jakarta. The date is February 25, not March 19. (Okay, so I was misinformed.*blushes*) I hope it's at night, since I also work on Saturdays. We'll see.;) You know, I seldom go out these days. I am very careful with my money. I just need the entertainment, at least once in a while. Hmm, what else? There's another new teacher named Richard. After the dead-ringer of Ryan Gosling, now I've seen quite the mirror image of Matthew Settle or Steve Eckholdt(sp?) Or perhaps, he's the lovely mixture of both.:P What's next? *giggles* For the previous two Saturdays, Rafiq has kindly offered me a lift home from work - especially since he also lives in South Jakarta. From there, I know that he loves listening to Slipknot and Rage Against The Machine, because that's what he played on his car stereo then. But he was being such a typical guy when he first learned that I too fancy such bands.:P I mean, why is that so surprising that a girl could be into heavy-metal as well? Ha-ha.*sneers* I found that really amusing.:P But then again, I've been thought of worse. Besides, he's still a pretty nice lad.:) In fact, I enjoy hanging out with John and him as well. They're smart and funny. We share quite a similar sense of humour. Until then, The Author/QB

"BLOOD-THIRST BUREAUCRATS"
Oh, you blood-thirst bureaucrats, real-life vampires and rats, looking like human but with no hearts. Has your conscience been torn apart? What are you doing in your well-polished castle, while we're fighting our daily battles? All you keep doing is take away what we earn, while you're leaving us to burn. Tell me, how important is for you to remain picture-perfect, while we've been too aware of the fact that you choose to ignore what we need, as you keep giving into your greed? You think you always have the power. Too bad that doesn't make you any greater. You think you can always step on us, like a giant feet on a pile of dust. So, blood-thirst bureaucrats, have we successfully quenched your thirst? Are you still demanding for more from us to drop? Oh, will you ever really stop? I think I'm wasting my time with this poem. You're still playing the same, old game. It's just a matter of time before your castle is in ruins. That will be the day that we win! The Author/QB

CATCHING UP WITH FRIENDS...
I went online last night, e-mailing my short story to the magazine while chatting with some people I know. A lot of things to catch up with, as always.:P Life in the big city, they say.*shrugs* Hardi, or H., doesn't feel like going home this Chinese New Year. His family wants him to get married soon - to a girl, that is - especially since he's already over thirty and still single. The problem? Yep, your guess is right. He's gay. But then again, that's no longer something new here. It's become a common issue. Dewi said everybody was fine at work in Panglima Polim.:) Good. I miss her, Robert, and Michael. Robert always made me laugh when I was still there. I loved his stories. And Michael?:) He was always appreciative of my writings. I mean, he still is - since we still e-mail each other. Which reminds me that I still want to send him some more.:) Chikaw told me that she met Viona and her baby girl Annabel at PIM.:) I know that The Lindsays are up on their world adventure soon, so I'm happy for them too.:) Who the hell came up with a stupid idea called SOPA?!:xAre they trying to cramp my style and the bloggers around the world? Why? I asked my friend Hani in Minnesotta about it, and she said she'd check. I hope it won't be passed and legalized.:( The Author/QB

"THIS TWILIGHT ZONE"
Welcome to this twilight zone. It's where you are left alone. It's where looks can deceive that you wonder which one to believe. You can't just believe in everything you hear, even when they sound crystal-clear. And what do you smell? Be careful, they might make you feel unwell. How about a touch? Will that be way too much? Please, watch out when you have a taste. If it's awful, you might fall all over the place. So, are you ready? How brave can you be? There's no guarantee that you'll walk away for free. So, welcome to this twilight zone. It's where you're mostly left alone. Among the crowd, you have to survive on your own, even if this place looks like home! The Author/QB

THESE ORDINARY DAYS...
Katy Perry's performing here in Jakarta on January 19. That means tomorrow night. However, I'm not going because I'm not interested.:P It's that simple. But if Jessie J. comes, I will.:D If Hoobastank comes again, I don't care that I've already watched them three times. I love them so much that I want to do that all over again!:D Right. For March 19, there'll be Evanescence coming to perform here. YAY!:D I know that I haven't bought the ticket yet, but I really, really want to go there. I'll also be going with my brother and his friends. I'm still waiting for my phone interview with one of the GITE instructors from Fatmawati. They'll be calling me sometime this week. Hmm, what else? I've been catching up with lots and lots of reading and writing lately. Wait, that's what I only do these days.:P I don't even go out that much anymore. I've just finished another horror story I'm going to send to the magazine soon, and now I'm eager to write some more. I guess it's been a long time since I last did that. Or, I could say, these days are perfect for me to escape my mind into a 'fiction land' for a while. Hehe.:P And there'll be more to come, I'm sure.:) The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 5"
I am glad. I'm not one of those lads captured and swayed all too damn easily by your picture-perfect beauty. No, this is not a plain Jane's envy, or whatever the hell you might think of me. My silence is not a sign of my weakness. It's just that I couldn't care less. So, what are you going to do now, besides acting like a silly cow? To me, you're just a joke, 'the flavour of the week' for the tacky blokes. You think you're cool. Oh, you're such a pathetic fool. I know I haven't got much to offer, but what makes you think that you're always better? So, go ahead. Keep treating other people bad. As much as I'm concerned, someday soon - you're going to burn. I know I'm always more than alright, once you're out of my sight. But if you choose to stay around, I won't let you push me to the ground. Still got something to say? Well, I'd rather be away. Thank you so much for your corny show, now take a bow and go. The Author/QB

SHORT WEEKEND STUFF...
Well, it's one week before my GITE training on the 24th. I don't know if I'm really looking forward to it, but that sounds interesting. I've never really been to their Fatmawati branch school, so that will definitely be my new experience as well.:) I guess I've pretty much impressed 'Goddess M' last Friday.:) How so? I showed up at work despite no teaching schedules. I was only there for their internal workshop "Speaking Test For Young Learners" at 3:00 pm and stayed there for an hour. It was no big deal.*shrugs* Besides, it was helpful. The presenter - Samuel - is quite a dead-ringer of Ryan Gosling.:P Hehe, no kidding. He's from the Fatmawati branch school as well, so I'm kind of hoping that I will get to see him again during my GITE week.*big evil grin* That will be the day! Last Saturday, I hung out with Githa after work. I was very lucky that my friend Rafiq offered John and me a ride. He dropped me off near Plaza Senayan and I bid farewell to the lads. I hope Githa and T will be okay. I know that he got a bit defensive when she told him that she hoped M was treating him right. It was just a slight misunderstanding, right? I shouldn't be too worried about them, eventhough I care. The Author/QB

"UNTIL THEN..."
Have no worries nor fears, my dear. I am sure it is pretty clear. He knows we care. He knows we'll always be there. I am thinking about him too, but for now - there isn't much that we can do. He still needs his time away. Let's keep praying that he's going to be okay. Love is the greatest thing on earth, yet there are times when it's better not to say a word. It's alright to feel protective. For him, that's also what I'd like to give. I believe he's strong enough to survive. He'll do whatever it takes to stay alive. Soon, we'll meet him again, our dearest friend. The Author/QB

"THE RAGE WITHIN 2"
Let it go, they'd say. Nothing is forever yours anyway. You've worked your hardest for it. Still, you could lose what you've earned. So, what are you going to do now? Nothing. Let God take care of everything. Let the bad suffer, sooner or later, while you gain something better... The Author/QB

"HOW ARE YOU?"
Are you there? She's been wondering if you're okay, although she understands that you need to be away. You deserve the break for as long as you may. How are you? I've been wondering about that too. Well, I'm sure that's nothing new. Even when my silence doesn't show what's actually true. Are you happy? We're hoping that you are, although we're far apart. We're praying that nobody will ever break your heart. I choose not to ask too much, but make sure we'll stay in touch. You know where I'll be. You know where to reach for me. So, are you still there? I hope you are, and know that we care. The Author/QB

"SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL"
Who are you? Where are you from? I didn't know what to do whenever you came around. There was something in your eyes that left my emotions undisguised. Or was it your smile which stole my breath for a while? I don't know. I'm not sure. I've been captured by your inner glow, as if all my sorrow was instantly cured. Your voice projected serenity. Something that's hardly part of me. The sweetest tunes in my ears, chasing away all my fears. Where will you go? Will I ever really know? Now I find myself struggling just to face another new empty space. They'd say I shouldn't just stand there, pretending not to care. Do we even stand a chance as something more than 'just friends'? Now you're gone. I must carry on. There's no point in daydreaming, so I'll stop this wishful thinking. No regrets I should feel about how we've only been. Still, I thank God that you're real, the most beautiful one I've ever seen. (for MKB) The Author/QB

"YOU"
You don't know me, yet you see me everyday practically all your life. You don't see me. In your eyes I'm just a freak as annoying as I can be. You don't listen to me. I'm just the silent whisper of the unheard. You don't talk to me. Oh...wait, you still do, but only when you need me to do something for you. Should I feel hurt or offended, with how often you take me for granted? Or should I just pretend there's no meaning in your every word? Well, what do you know? You remain self-absorbed as you keep telling the whole world that I am the kid with no heart of gold. Why should I tell you? You keep ignoring the clues. The Author/QB

A BAD FEELING IN THE GUT...-'_-
As usual, I do the same old, crazy thing when I'm sick. I keep going to work. Just like what I did yesterday.:P I know, old habits die hard. I still act tough most of the time. Even my friend 'Mari' said I was more like a Japanese girl, with my (so-called) Bushido mentality. *giggles* At least I'd shown up there wearing a surgical mask, so my face was partly covered. My people have no problems if I don't, but the foreign employees might. I just chose to play safe. There's a new teacher named Ed. I've only seen him twice, so I still can't tell much about him yet. It was raining pretty hard again last night that I had to go home by taxi instead of a bus. I was still sick, so I didn't dare risk myself being drenched under the rain again. Out of the blue, Githa texted me that night. She said that she'd been worried about T lately. She had a gut feeling - a very strong hunch this time - that M wasn't treating him right again. Why am I not surprised? Sometimes, it doesn't take a person with 'special abilities' to read the signs. For all of you skeptics out there, I personally believe that 'the sixth sense' does exist.*big evil grin* We all have that, but only some of us have it much stronger than the rest. (Like my friend Githa, for example.) And it can be trained, developed, and...used. No, I'm not joking.:P All it takes is that person's willingness to learn and open up. I know it'll never be 100% accurate, though, since - in the end - only God knows everything. (FYI, even the 'special' ones aren't always accurate either. They're probably only...well, about 80%-ish accurate.) And for the regular people, their sixth sense only works for the people they know. The more they care about those people, the stronger it gets. For me, I usually get it through my dreams/nightmares. Then I start reading any other 'signs' the moment I'm awake, like how that particular person behaves and how the other people act towards him/her when they're around. It's their aura too. It's pretty easy, actually. Like the first time G came into MY family. I had already sensed something rather 'off' about him, but nobody listened to me. (Right, who ever really does listen to a freak, anyway?*sneers* I've sensed 'The Twilight Zone' for a very long time while they were all still in the dark.*rolls eyes*) Not even Mom, until it was all way too late. They've got to deal with this reality now, and I'm not going to say: "I've told you so." Okay, back to T. I know that all he needs right now is to just enjoy his holiday in his hometown Sydney. I know that Githa cares about him very deeply, as much as I do too. And I can also tell that M isn't all that serious in their relationship as much as T really is. But what can Githa and I do? Just wait and see. Like I've already told her last night: "He'll come to either of us when he needs to talk." Deep down, I really do hope T's okay. I know that I don't want him to get hurt again. I just want him to be happy, but - I have to believe - that he's old enough to take care of himself, no matter what might happen in the end. The Author/QB

WHEN WILL I SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN?:)
How was my first week back at work after the holiday?:P Exhausting.:| As anyone can see me now. I had to spend this weekend with the damn cold. I hate it. I always hate being sick. It's the sense of powerlessness that I can't stand. I must get better soon. My friend Vince is away on holiday. He's off to Penang. I've missed him already.:| He's like 'the life and soul of the party' at work. (Well, he's something like that.:D) He seems always happy and to know when to cheer people up. He's funny. I hope he'll be back soon.:) I can't wait to see him again and hear about his exciting adventures there. Whom else am I missing now? T, of course. Some students at the school asked me about him yesterday: "Is he coming back?" "I don't know, guys. Let's hope so." Indeed. Let's just hope so... T's best friend Githa told me that she was going to be very busy this year. I know that she's also gotten sick to death of 'the other girls' (except Dewi, though.) They've been bitching about her - behind her back, of course. But when she's around, they make snide remarks about her 'appearance' and 'behaviour' toward T. (And I'll have to say this once again: they're just being so bloody absurd. T's gay and what are they so jealous about?:P*rolls eyes*) Don't worry, I'm still standing on the sideline. It's better off that way.:P It's much safer too. Do you know whom I missing as well? I can't believe I'm saying this. Through all my teaching career, I've never had a serious crush on a student before. Until now.:P*blushes* Last Friday was his last day (or so I've heard.) I tried my best not to start developing any sort of emotional attachment to him, so I showed up at work right after he'd left. There was no point in getting myself crushed over his departure. I've got to stay professional. Besides, I don't think I stand a chance. I'm 30, he's 26. I'm Indonesian, he's Iranian. I'm a teacher, he's a student. (And he's enrolling at my old campus this April. He's studying IT at their international program.) I know that my friends will tell me not to give up so soon yet, but...I don't know.*shrugs* I'm not really sure about any of that now. Do I really need a relationship? I hardly think much about it these days. I'm not going to start asking myself whether this is normal or else. I'm so past that. I just know that reality has taught me a lot. Having a relationship with the opposite sex is not the ONLY key to happiness. (Although, I'm not being hypocritical about this, it's still a good, normal thing that every normal person needs.) In the end, you're the only person who can really, really take care of you - and the one that should. Or maybe I'm just too damn good at being alone and I don't know how to change that for now.*shrugs* The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 4"
How would you like it, if you were the centre of this universe? I bet you'd enjoy every bit of your perfect little world. Their schedules are irrelevant to you. It doesn't matter what they do. All you want is their attention, as if you'd perish without their acknowledgment. You always have loose ends, and people to answer to your every demand. Your eyes are too blind to their exhaustion, as you cry out for their compassion. They have to keep on their toes, while you keep making the rules as you go. How would you like it, if you were the centre of this universe? I bet you'd be the happiest on earth. Before it gets worse, I'd like you to watch me as I leave your perfect little world... The Author/QB

THE STRANGEST, 10 PM 'MONOLOGUE' :P
(This was the strangest conversation - or, should we say, 'monologue' :P - I'd ever had...with a cat. Well, it was 10 pm anyway. I'd just got home from work and there she was in the driveway, staring at me with her cute, amber eyes.) Me:"Hi, Kitty." Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"How are you?" Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"Cool. I'm fine too. Thanks for asking." Kitty:"Mrreoww." (I bent down to pet her for a while. She shook her tiny, triangular head a couple of times. Her head was down when I began scratching her neck. From the way her eyes closed, I could tell that she was rather ticklish.) Kitty:(purrs)"Rrrh...rrrh..." Me:"Like that, huh? I know you do."(smiles and keeps scratching her neck) "You know, if Dad weren't sick - he'd do this too. He'd love it if he could." Kitty:"Rrrh...rrrh..." Me:"Yeah, I'm sure you two could get along very well." (I got up and went to open the front door. She followed me.) Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"No, Kitty, no. I'm not letting you in tonight. I can't, eventhough I want to. Sorry, Mom won't like it." Kitty:"Mrreoww?" Me:"I know, I know. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight, Kitty." (She sat down. I went into the house and closed the door behind me.xD LOL!) The Author/QB

THE SILENT WHISPERS OF THE UNHEARD...
Can I keep myself calm these days? I don't know, but I'll still try. No promises, though. I'm glad I'm back to work this week. I could go crazy staying home too long. I can't stand seeing how she and her stuck-up husband keep treating their eldest son.:( Poor Ganesh-ku. If only they had more patience... Right.*rolls eyes* Once again, just who the hell am I kidding here anyway?*sneers* They're not ready. None of them really is, but it's already way too late now. They've got two boys of their own. That's no longer an excuse. They've got to GROW UP. I mean really, really growing up. Do me a favour, God. Make them both leave me alone, or they will only piss me off some more. Help me find a suitable place to live. I've been staying here too long that I'm starting to feel more like the Asian version of Bridget Jones.:( Make Mom let me go. But most importantly, help me find the strength to carry on. These days, Mom often complains about her 'perfect' daughter and 'perfect' son-in-law.*rolls eyes* I feel sorry for her, but am also dying to say: "Well, you've asked for this, remember?"*sneers* But of course, I never do. What for? It's too late now. It's not like she'll listen to me this time. She never did, remember? I am sorry to say this, but I no longer have patience nor tolerance to deal with any of that. I'm tired. I am fed up, okay? She asked for this. It's too late for any regrets now. *deep sigh* Alright, enough with those same, old 'issues' at home. How are things at work lately, right after the holiday? It's fine, I guess. I still try my best at work, get along with everybody as well as I can, and play dumb to 'office politics'. (For the last bit, I don't know how long that will last. T has assured me that I will survive, and I seriously hope so too.:P) The good news? I am assigned to join their GITE (General Introduction To Teaching English) program, starting on January 24. I know that I've been an English teacher before, but it's all good.:D Hmm, what else? I haven't got online yet lately. Except being on FB through my phone (which still, I can't do much either.:P) A lot of unnecessary drama is still going on between T's little 'angels'. I know I shouldn't have gotten myself involved in this, but...well, I'm pretty good at lurking in the shadows - like a cat.:P I'm mostly The Silent Witness or The Uninvited Vampire, unless if they talk to me first. The Author/QB

ME VS. THE 'PERFECT' DAUGHTER :x
It's more than funny just how other people can change our moods abruptly in a matter of seconds. Here I am, wanting to start this year with optimism. I know that I still believe that everyone is solely responsible for their own feelings. Still, she has ruined it for me.:x I shouldn't have been too surprised. Once The Princess Brat, always The Princess Brat.*rolls eyes* Why the hell should I expect too much from her? She'll never change. I'm sorry. I don't care if she's my own sister. I don't care if I start sounding like a bitch again. I am just too tired to care, okay?! I am fed up with this whole shit. I only stick around because of Dad and the boys. That's it. I've had it. No matter what I do, I can never win. In her eyes, I never do anything right. I will always be the spoiled, childish kid. (Hey, look who's talking!) I'm the lazy bitch and she's the grown-up. Ha-ha.*sneers* How ridiculous that sounds.*big evil grin* But if I start denying that, I bet she'll go on and on about how I don't understand because I'm still single. Unfortunately, she's one of those women who regard marriage status as a sign of pure maturity and independence. Ha! What a joke. I'm sure you can tell why I'm the (labeled) 'freak' in the family here.*sneers* Surprise, surprise. Yay. Hell, not so much anyway. That's your son. He's only two years old, so you can't expect him to grow up soon and start thinking like an adult just yet. You can't expect him to follow your every standard for what a perfect little boy he should be! If he wants to see you while you're asleep, that's your problem - NOT mine. You're the mother, NOT me. Welcome to the real world called 'parenting'.*sneers* It's the place where your little kids still can't tell the difference when you're tired or not. They just know they need you because that's what they feel - and it's perfectly normal, okay? If you're still demanding for more 'free, me-time', well guess what?! It's too late! You can't have too much of it anymore, because you've got to put your children first. You can't be all too selfish anymore. It's no longer all about you. After all, you're the one who wanted to get married and have kids, remember?*sneers* So, there! And don't you dare yell at me for that. If you're bitter that I am still single, then too bad. It just sucks to be you right now, doesn't it? Mommy's 'perfect' daughter?? My new year resolutions? Here we go: 1.Be more productive in my writings. 2.Get out of that house and find a new place to live on my own. Fast! Sorry, Daddy.:( I just can't stand her anymore... The Author/QB

"LET IT RAIN"
Let it rain. Let it rain. Let the pouring water wash away your pain. Shall we dance? Take this chance. Please, don't stand there in silence. There's a new day ahead, so stop feeling so sad. Let it rain. Let it rain. Once we heal, we can smile again... The Author/QB

A SIMPLE GREETING...:)
"Another year,another chance to live.Never let hope disappear,we've still got so much to give.Happy New Year 2012." love, The Author/Quirky Bachelorette/Romantically-challenged Skeptic :P

"MAUDLIN?"
It's not maudlin, my love. It's just how my feelings run, even when not everything is said and done. You know that you're always the one. You're on my mind all the time. As bloody cliche as this sounds, I hate the thought of you gone. It's not maudlin, my love. It's just my emptiness within. Can't you tell just how long has this been? Is this a sign of a dying dream? You're out of touch, it seems. Even your presence leaves me with such cold feelings. Doesn't that show us something? It's not maudlin, my love. No, it's not that at all. It's the fact that I'm about to fall, crashing to the ground or thrown against the wall. You used to make me feel so tall. Now you're making me feel small. This is more than just a wake-up call. It's not maudlin, my love. I've been missing you, even when you're around. I need you, but you're often nowhere to be found. Enough is enough, because we no longer share the common ground. It's not maudlin, my love. Maybe I'm just asking for too much, although I don't think it's a lot. Otherwise, we wouldn't be where we are, together but apart. 'My love', am I still entitled to even call you that? The Author/QB

LIVING THE DRAMA...
Life is an endless series of drama. You can grow tired of it sometimes, yet you can't just get away from it. The only thing that you can do is to minimize its side-effects. Don't let yourself get too carried away. It's easier said than done, I know.:P But it's true that life can be full of drama. Oh, wait. Just who the heck am I kidding here?*big evil grin* Life is the drama.*giggles* Alright, I'm not rambling sensibly. Sorry. We're counting down to New Year 2012. It's getting close, we all know. Although I'm not doing anything special for that, I know that this is the time to get more creative...again.:D So far, I've already sent three short stories to local magazines. I hope they'll like it and I'll earn more money from them. Hehe...:P Well, I've also been quite productive with my poems lately.:) Surprisingly, I don't just write about myself this time. I've finally had my karaoke time with Gigi yesterday.:D Unfortunately, most of our usual 'crew members' couldn't make it. Mas Wid was away for something. Gigi's boyfriend Froggy is in Semarang. Gigi's best friend Uthie had a night-shift. (Knowing that she works in a five-star hotel now, I think she's going to be stuck there until New Year's Eve.:P) But that's okay. We sung for three hours straight!:D That was real FUN. It's been a very long time since we last did that. Gigi had finally met my friend Patrick. No, not that night.:P She met him when she had an interview for Wall Street Institute. Patrick interviewed her! Such a small world, eh?*giggles* I got to the karaoke place an hour too early, so I roamed around a bit. I bought the latest issue of CHIC. I was heading to the ATM counter when my cellphone started ringing. (Steve Vai's "In My Dreams With You" is the tone.:P) It was Githa. What a surprise!:D "Hey, girl. What's up?" It turned out that Githa was still out of town - on her holiday. Why did she call? Lots of things. (It's not that I wasn't happy to hear her voice, but I was worried about her phone bill!) It turned out that T - who's still in Australia with his family and friends now - was checking on me through her. She said he'd been worried about me. (What?) One of my updated FB statuses triggered that.:| It was about my migraine. (Note to self: Next time, don't write too much on that.:P) He was also worried about whether I was happy at my workplace or not.(???) I told Githa that I'd already sent him an FB message on that. She also suspected that my migraine episodes had something to do with something more..psychological. I know what she meant.:( The Author/QB

"THE RAGE WITHIN"
1, 2, 3. Did you think it was funny? 4, 5, 6. God, you're making me sick. 7, 8, 9. No, what you did wasn't fine. 10, 11, 12. Envious and bitter with what others have? 13, 14, 15. No sympathy for you, because you're being so mean. 16, 17, 18. What a pathetic loser you've always been. 19, 20, 21. Please, just be gone! 22, 23, 24. Are you too dumb to find your exit door? 25, 26, 27. Or, do you prefer that I get even? 28, 29, 30. Someday soon,you'll be very, very sorry. For now, just pray to God you'll never have to deal with me. Seriously, I can be pretty nasty. Just bug off, okay? The Author/QB

WTF?!:x
"I'm so sick to death of thick-headed,insecure bikers in this city who use their inadequacies and poverty as an excuse not to have to apologize for bumping into cars.If they hate people who can afford to have the cars,then get lost!" :x #roadrage I'm sorry, but I'm still reeling from it. I know just what I'm capable of when I'm at my worst.:( No, I'm not joking, okay?:x Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. *deep sigh* Right, I need to take some really deep breaths now... *sighs* There. Okay, I'm going to make this as short and simple as possible, especially in order not to get my anger on the rise again. But if I happen to do so, then I must stop writing this because I'm sure my hands will start shaking so violently. Why do I hate that prick on wheels so much? Many reasons. I know 'hate' is such a strong word (because I didn't even know him personally - and I never want to after what had happened yesterday), but I really don't give a shit. My brother (who was driving at that time) had kindly told him to be careful. It happened when the traffic light was still red. And what did that son of a bitch do? He laughed us off. Bitch!:x My brother was furious, and so was I. (The bitch is, there are already way too many assholes like him roaming around on the road of this city on their crappy motorcycles, sorry to say - acting like so-called bad-ass! Grrh!!:x) It was more infuriating when he finally apologized without even really meaning it: "Okay, sorry." He sneered. "I know you have the car, but you don't need to be such a smug about it. I'm from a village, so excuse me if I don't." Excuse me?!:x WTF?!! You were being such a prick and we have to understand you and let you get away with that?!!! WELL, FUCK YOU!!! FUCK OFF!!! JUST GO TO HELL, YOU FUCKING DAFT!!!:x Want to know what he did next? He gave us 'the finger', climbed back onto his motorcycle, and then sped off laughing. Mom had told both my brother and me to just let it go, but...no. Sorry, I can't lie. I'm still very, very furious now. Pissed off. Enraged.:x That prick had no sense of respect, because he was doing the last thing he did while there were women and a kid in our car. (Thank God Ganesh was asleep, but that was still uncalled for!) And he wanted us to feel sorry for him? Hell, no! If he's so bitter about his own condition, that's his own problem. He has no right to take it out on other people like that. Bitch...*scoffs* I hope he suffers some more. I hope I'll never have to see his ugly face again, because I still feel like 'rearranging' his face into something more...ghastly and hideous.*big evil grin* Yes, the way villains do to their victims in horror movies...*sneers* The Author/QB

"GHOSTS OF THE PAST"
Ghosts of the past knocking on my door. Such unwanted guests. Oh, what are they here for? I just want to sleep, yet they still love to creep deep inside my dreams, making me want to scream! Ghosts of the past, why do they have to last? I need to completely move on. It's hard, with them still around. What do I do? You might say: "Easy. Ignore them and stay cool. Soon, they'll leave you be." Ghosts of the past, I hope they'll fly away fast. I need to be free. I need them to stop bullying me. Silence? Yes, my only defense. If they ever come again, I shall give them this passive resistance. The Author/QB

FUTURE PLANS AND A STROLL AT THE MALL...
I've only got a week of holiday. That's alright. I can still make a good use of it. Everyone needs a break, right? Even if it means just staying home, cleaning up around the house, and doing your hobbies - that still counts. We're not going to Ancol, North Jakarta to spend our New Year's Eve. No problem. Since work starts again on January 2, I don't feel like going anyway. There are other - equally fun - things that I still can do. For example, I've planned to have a karaoke time with Gigi and friends. (We had to postpone this last Saturday, because she had a family thing.) It's been a long time since we last did that.:D I'm also missing them so much, so it'll feel like a reunion. Hmm, what else? Leese invited me to be a jury again for her boarding school's annual English competition on March 7 - 8. I've been invited and taken part as a jury before. If I do this again next year, it'll be my third (or was it already fourth??) time. If?? This time, it's different. I work at a different place now. Leese's school is in Parung, a small town that borders Bogor and South Tangerang. I'll have to ask for permission to skip work and go there on those two dates when I get back to work. But I guess they'll let me go.:) And I really want to, because I believe in maintaining professional connections. Besides, I don't just want to do one thing and rely my life solely on it. I want to do other things too for as long as I can. I also love the students at that boarding school.:) Smart boys who are also creative and well-motivated. Bright young minds always inspire me. That's settled then.;) I've made up my mind about that. I ended up spending a day with my brother today.:D We went to Gandaria City, had some lunch at Billie Chick's, and then went around for a while. I ended up buying the skirt of my dream...from M&S! It was on a really generous discount, which I didn't have to pay a lot for.:O And the skirt is still in a perfect condition.:D Lucky me. The Author/QB

"HERE, TODAY"
"HERE, TODAY" (a lover's silent vow) Are you here today? Forgive my strange question. I'm just glad you're not away. There are times when I hate being alone. I hope you'll appreciate my rare, brutal honesty. There are times when it's hard to be me. We can't expect the world to always understand. Sometimes, they even refuse to lend their hands. Are you still here today? Good, thank you. I know that lately, I haven't got much to say. There are times when I don't know what to do. I hope you'll forgive my flaws. I've been aware of your pain I've caused. That's something I'll never forget. That's one of my biggest regrets. Will you be here tomorrow? God, I do hope so. Because if you do, allow me to do whatever it takes to make up for what I've lacked and get us back on track. The Author/QB

AFTER THE FIRST MONTH AT WORK...
Right, where do I begin? It's funny how I often start an entry with that line after I haven't been writing in a while.:P But then again, I always just let it roll. So, how was my first month at that foreign language school in Kuningan? I survived.:P That's all I could say so far. I'd already decided to just learn the whole system first throughout this month. And I have.:) Thankfully, it wasn't as difficult as I had feared earlier - although it was still rather overwhelming, since I'm still new. Good.:) I think I know what I'm going to do next. I'm glad that I have survived working there, even without T around. (He's still in Australia, btw.) I have made friends and got to know some people there.:) I know that I'm pretty close with Vince and Paula so far, although I make sure that I get along with everybody else around as well (and yes, to avoid 'office-politics' as well.:P) If some people dislike the others, then it's their problem. That's none of my business, and I don't want to be part of any of that. I'm not taking sides and I won't even start now. I just want to do my job well. Call it playing safe, but I'd rather be sensible than sorry. Last Thursday was pretty funny. Matthew, one of the teachers resigning from the school, was clearing his desk. He ended up playing 'throw and catch' with Vince. The problem? I happened to be sitting right there in the middle, between the partition that separates the rows of cubicles and...Vince. (He sat behind me that day, while Matthew was behind the partition.:P) When things started flying above my head, I knew it was only a matter of time before... "Oy, sweet man! Catch this!" Ow. "Matt, you hit her in the head," Vince warned him, but he was grinning at me. He's such a boy sometimes!xD "Twice." Okay, he was exaggerating.*big evil grin* But I still heard Matthew apologize to me anyway: "Sorry!" "It's alright, Matt!" I called back from behind the partition. "You only hit me once." By now, Jane and Paula - who were sitting next to Vince and me - giggled quietly.xD Paula even warned me not to stand up or I'd get hit in the head again.*giggles* Friday was David's last day. He ordered pizza for everybody as part of his farewell party. (He seemed a bit upset when he learned that Vince had eaten four slices!:P) But I will never forget our last conversation that late afternoon in the computer lab: "Good luck, David." "Good luck to you too." He smiled warmly as we shook hands. He held mine a moment longer. "You know, this school has made the right decision when they recruited you. I can tell that you're confident enough. You've made a nice addition to this school." "Thank you." I could feel myself beaming at that.:D The Author/QB

"WARS OF THE WORDS"
Words travel fast in a speed of light. I'm chasing down each letter, yet they're always much quicker. Where do they go? What do people know? What do they hear? Is it even crystal-clear? Words still travel. They go even faster. I see lots of vowels. The consonants are rather blurred. What do they say? Is it even true anyway? I can't seem to read them well, yet every sentence breathes a fiery hell. Words will always travel faster and unstoppable. We can hear them everywhere. It's difficult not to care. Should I catch them all? A to Z, before more victims fall? Or should I just keep on walking, pretending I don't hear a thing? The Author/QB

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Alright, this is my last day-off before tomorrow. After this, I'll be very busy until Saturday. Gigi is inviting me to have a karaoke night after work on Saturday.:D YAY! I can't hardly wait. Singing is always a good way to vent. I need that. Who's the crew? The same formation. Gigi, her boyfriend Froggy, her best friend Uthie, and...me.:D There might be some additions in the process, but we'll see. The more the merrier! I also can't wait for New Year's Eve. Perhaps my family will be going to Ancol with Mom's extended relatives. It has been a while since we last had such a huge gathering! I sent a short story last night to Story Magazine again. It has been quite a while too. I have to start writing more again. (Well, not just here, though.:P) Hmm, what else? I've finally had a haircut yesterday. No, not too short - or I might look like a boy...again. The good thing is, nobody has to be the victim of my 'vicious' hair again!xD*giggles* There, I've had it 'tamed'. Finally, eh?*big evil grin* Well, it turns out that unnecessary drama happens everywhere.:| It's one of those moments when I thank God for being a tomboy.:P I just don't get it. What's up with some of these girls lately? The girls whom I happen to know. I thought we all had survived high school, so why the stupid popularity contest again? Why the insecurity and the nonsensical backstabbing? I mean, I know he's a hunk. I notice that too. But he's GAY.:P What's with the jealousy? So what if he's really close to this particular girl instead of the others? It's their right! Please don't tell me that - deep down - they sort of expect T to change. So silly...*shakes head* The Author/QB

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE...
I am glad that I have got two days off this week.:) At least I have got some rest. Plus, this is also the last week of work this month - and year too.:D YAY! After the 24th, it's the year-end holiday. Then we start again next month - and year - on January 2. I know I still have a lot to catch up with and I will. I have decided not to extend my period of adjustment. I think one month is enough. I can't be too slow about it. I must work fast. Still, I need to calm down. I must not easily panic next time. I have made friends with some of the teachers and staff there, but my instinct tells me not to play all my cards way too soon yet. If I do so, I am afraid I might not survive the next round. Almost everybody there has been aware that I am T's friend. 'Mari' asked me about how I had learned that the school needed more teachers. Before I responded, a senior teacher - hmm, let's just call her 'Goddess M' - interrupted slyly, "She got an inside tip from a friend." I blinked, unsure how to respond to that. Noticing my expression, she quickly added with a - hopefully - reassuring smile: "From a friend who thinks she's competent." "Ooh." 'Mari' nodded. I tried to smile, but it came out as a rather sheepish grin. I mean, I am not sure whether I have to take that as a compliment or...a challenge to prove them that I really am competent for the job. Even when I know that their previous boss Cam (who recruited me) is also T's friend, I tried not to use T's name as an 'easy access' for the job. I got there because I did my best and Cam believed that I could. Or maybe both, perhaps?? Aargh, I hate office-politics!:x *deep sigh* Oh, well.:| I must face that like an adult, anyway. (I mean, I am.:P) So far, I am still doing what T has strongly advised me to do. Do your job well. Get along with everybody. Play dumb to office-politics. Okay, it's getting more and more difficult to keep doing the last part. I have started hearing 'stuff'. Hushed whispers in the corner. And there have been people telling me 'things'. If one asks me: "Haven't you noticed?", I simply put my best, hopefully most convincing blank expression and slowly shake my head. Oh, dear. Good acting is required here!:O T's so sure that I will survive here. I have to make sure that he's not wrong about me! The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 3"
Isn't it good to be you, sir? Waking up at ten, when work starts at eight. You can do it all again, being fashionably late. Doesn't it feel great? Having your cigarette break in a crowded, non-smoking room. You believe it's what they have to take, as if you'll never face your doom. "It's their rule, and I've got mine." You think you're cool by crossing every line. Well, guess what...'sir'? You don't impress me that much. You act like you own the world, and you remain untouched. Why should you give a damn about a girl's wrath? Very well, then. I'll just leave you to your perfect illusion. You'll only feel safe in your own delusion. You may believe you're the king among the common, yet to me - you're just a narcissist with no compassion. Someday soon, your money will no longer protect you. Backstabbers will leave you scars. Fake friends will leave you blue. Then I will be there just to witness my question's answer. That is when I will know better. The Author/QB

THAT NEW GIRL AT WORK?ME!:P
Three weeks have gone by in a flash. Indonesian Mothers' Day (December 22) is coming soon. So are Christmas and New Year too. What? You're still worried about 2012?:P December 12, 2012 on Friday?? Do you actually still believe that it's going to happen at exactly that moment? The apocalypse? It's not about the date, okay? It's bound to happen anyway, one way or another.:P I mean, what can we all do here? We're just mortals. This world belongs to God. He can do whatever He likes with it (and that means with all of us too!) I don't know about you, but all that I can do now is pray that He won't send me to hell in the after life and do my best as human to avoid that from happening. (Fat chance, though. I'll never even be close to perfect.:|) That's all. A lot happened at work. I messed up a bit here and there. So far, they still forgave me since I'm still a newbie.:|*blushes* But I will make sure that I don't do it too much next time. *deep sigh* I know, I know. Take it easy, right? We all make mistakes. Besides, I am still learning the ropes. So far, it's still understandable. Right?? Hmm, what else? I guess that's all for now. I had to miss Jane's party last Saturday after work, because I felt so exhausted. Perhaps next time. The Author/QB

"DECEMBER EIGHTH"
You challenged me to dance right there on top of the table. "But I don't want to break it," I objected and all of you giggled. "You know how much I weigh." Then we had that night with stirs of conversations, foods and beverages, taking pictures, puffing smokes as we kept laughing at each other's jokes. How did I feel that night? Oh, I'm sure you could guess me right. It was obvious to see how you had filled me with glee. I hope I can have that moment again, and it's all the matter of 'when'. Still, I thank God for the fun. It was an evening I shared with the sun. The Author/QB

"STUCK"
Stuck in a moment we're set to 'pause'. It's such a torment we're losing cause. Left in the cold with nothing to hold. The path is dark. We're out of spark. Where do we go from here? There's no more challenge, I fear. Are you still in love with me? Should I just set you free? Lost in confusion, I don't know where to go. Where's your devotion? Is it just for 'show'? Can we still have it? Should we let it go? I'm not a kid, so please let me know: Where do we go from here? This love ain't crystal-clear. If you're not so into me. Let's set each other free... The Author/QB

A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT?
I am tired.*yawns* I can't believe that I am saying this, but I am. I've been working there for five days and now I feel drained. Energetically drained.:( What's wrong with me? How's that possible? Maybe it's the location issue. The traffic too. I know it's far away from home and I still haven't found a new, much closer place to work to live yet. I'm still searching, calculating, and surveying. It's always important to make careful plans and decisions. Am I still in a transition? Is this only a period of adjusment? Or, should I just take it easy and not to worry so much about everything like I normally do? *deep sigh* Alright, alright.:| I'm calming down now. T's still having a holiday in Australia with his family and friends now. I saw a picture of him with his lovely nephew and couldn't help smiling at that.:) They look so gorgeous and happy together. I miss my old friends back at the old workplace. I even dreamed some of them once, where we hung out and had some good laughs. (Just like the good, old days.) *sighs* Alright, I admit it.:( I am feeling kind of...lonely. Back then, I could simply be myself completely and just relax. Here, I have to start all over. I have to watch my steps as well as my mouth. I hope things are going well for me, because I also like this job and this place. Like I've already said: a period of adjustment. The Author/QB

"REALISTICALLY SPEAKING"
There are no superheroes out there, only living, surviving mortals as they fight against dread while hanging on a thread. Why do you keep reading those tales to me? I think I'm way too old to believe that someone will come to my rescue. Those empty, silly dreams leave me nothing but these blues. All heroes are dead today, crashed and burned by harsh reality. We must find our own ways to set our jaded minds free. Fictional characters can be always pretty and powerful, yet they only remain on-screen. In this world, they only make you feel like a fool into thinking it could be more than just a dream. No one's going to save us now. We're on our own. It's "every one for themselves", so we've got to be strong! The Author/QB

"THE QUIET GIRL"
What do you see in this quiet little girl? A someone to be, or just a speck on earth? Don't be fooled. She may often appear as still as a statue. Have no worries nor any fears, for she still pays attention to you. What do you know about this awkward teenager? It's true, she's not quite a show, but does that mean she's no better? Don't rely on first impressions so much, or you might not get a lot. She may never be the diva on the centre stage, but perhaps she's more of a friend through this difficult age. How do you feel about this silent, yet observant lady? She may not be that expressive or outspoken, yet her love for you is real, 'though she keeps it within. The Author/QB

THE NEW ADVENTURE AND THE FAREWELL PARTY
I am still learning the new ropes for my new teaching job. A different school, a different system. That's always to be expected. That's okay.:) Although I tend to panic just a bit, I am still enjoying the whole process. T's right. It's the whole new adventure for me. And I am still collecting more story materials.:) I'm still a storyteller, remember? Anyway, last Tuesday, I went to Panglima Polim again at around 8:30 am. What for? I have already resigned from there as well. I went there to see T. I figured, just in case I don't get to see him before his flight home to Australia on Friday night. He's my hero after all.:D He's helped me to get that new job. Since I have already resigned, I am practically a guest now. An outsider, although I am no stranger to them. That's why I stood in front of the yellow back door that morning, as I dialed T's mobile number. "Hello?" "There's a buffy-haired girl outside the door." I couldn't suppress a grin, knowing how he often teases me about my hair. "Can she come in, please?" I heard footsteps from inside, then a lock being turned. After that, the yellow door opened. He was standing in front of me with the phone on his ear and a surprised grin on his handsome face.:D "Hi!" we greeted each other. I went into his arms and he hugged me. (How come no straight guys ever make me feel that safe?:|) Then he let me in and closed the door behind me. "What are you doing here?" T asked me, still in awe. "You've already resigned. No schedules there again yet this week?" "Nope. I know," I answered lightly. I sat watching him going back to online browsing. "I am here to see you, just in case I don't get to before you leave." He smiled warmly. "Aww, that's sweet." "Thanks, although I know I'm not made of sugar," I said in a straight face. When he chuckled, I added with a big, evil grin: "My twisted sense of humour." "That's alright." Then we talked about something else, the way we used to when I was still working there. It was our last morning conversation, come to think of it. After T had finished preparing for his morning class, we had breakfast at 7-11. (Well, actually he did - because I had already had mine at home. However, I still ordered a chocolate waffle and cappuccino.) He had three sweet breads and hot chocolate. T was preparing me for a lot of things I'm bound to deal with at the new workplace. (Like a big brother.:D) I know how the real world works already, so I'm glad that he has given me tips and tricks on how to survive there. It's always good to get a heads-up, eh?:D Get along with everybody. Ask questions around whenever you need help with the job. (My number one rule for newbies.) Avoid office politics. Play DUMB about it. "Should I be worried?" I can't lie to him. I am.:| "Nah, you'll be fine." He smiled. "Just take this as the calm before the storm. You're bound to see it anyway, so it's best to be prepared." "Okay, thanks." Let's just hope so.*huffs*:O "No problem." "But I think I won't have time to deal with that," I told him. "I'll probably be too busy learning-" "-the ropes," he finished it for me and nodded. He smiled again. "Good for you then." I smiled back, hoping to chase away the worries in his face.:) Then he got up as he passed me his last bread. I accepted it joyfully. "Thanks." "Are you going to still be around here today?" T asked me before heading to his class. It was ten minutes to ten. "Yes," I answered, nodding. "I need to finish some writing, then grab some lunch before going to Kuningan to prep for my Wednesday classes." "I think it's better that you show up there tomorrow morning for that, but it's up to you," he suggested. "The girls and I might go out for lunch today, if you'd like to join us too." "I'd love to." I shrugged."This stray cat is available today." He just grinned before he left. I did stick around until lunch. I ended up joining T, Dewi, and Hevi at The Bat Cave - which surprised the others. (Of course, I'd already bid farewell to them - which felt weird.*blushes*) Still, that was a good thing, because T and the girls ended up inviting me over on Thursday night for his farewell party.:D In the end, I didn't go to Kuningan at all. (Too tired and too lazy, especially since it was already late afternoon and I didn't dare imagine the traffic.:P) But I did accompany T to the photocopy service nearby, since the one at the office was out-of-order and he needed an interpreter to help him to avoid getting 'lost in translation'. 'Ronnie' from Kuningan called me at eight that night to ask me to cover for another absent teacher, so I ended up teaching for three classes last Wednesday. On Thursday morning, I attended my dentist cousin Shari's pre-wed ceremony. No class schedules that day for me, so I got to relax a bit after that and before the farewell party. And I had finally met M. T's boyfriend. Or 'partner', as he'd like to put it. But let's not go there yet. As promised, I showed up at Panglima Polim at seven in the evening. I met Ghita at the front desk and we chatted for a while. When it was time to leave, I got into Dewi's car. (She was driving, of course.) Hevi was driving hers with T by her side. Ghita was riding her motorcycle. We went to Shisha Cafe in Kemang. At the parking lot, it was the very first time I met him...in the flesh. He showed up with his own car. M.The boyfriend. Quite tall; well, athletically-built; with dark, short and rather spiky hair; smooth, clear, and golden complexion; specs, and a very nice smile. He was also smartly dressed in a dark blue shirt and black trousers. Whoa.:O He is absolutely gorgeous. No wonder T's so hooked on him.:P What an irony that night. Two hunks, four beauties (hehe!:P) None of those hunks are interested in us, because they happen to share a mutual interest...on each other.*big evil grin* How funny life is. And M doesn't look 40. At all. (Probably because he works out at the gym regularly, from what I've heard and noticed then.*giggles*xD) We had a blast that night. Pictures were taken. Foods and drinks were ordered. (Since T is more experienced with this culinary adventure, he helped us with recommendations and a bit of a demo.:P) We ended up ordering bread, hummus, salad, falafel, and...shisha in the end.:D We also talked, joked around, and cracked up laughing. It was the night of pure fun and friendship.:D I will never forget it. And I am surely going to miss T so much, but he said he'll be back soon.:'-) "Safe flight. Enjoy your holiday. Have all the fun you need.:)" "I will. Thanks.:)" "Love you to bits, man. Don't forget that.;P" "Hehe, I won't. Love you too." The Author/QB

ALL AT ONCE...
How in the world could a person's brain take a lot of information all at once these days? Is there enough time and space to really process and store everything in? Sorry, I was talking about me.:P Life has been pretty hectic lately. Right, where should I start? Last Thursday, something funny happened to me. I was eating my breakfast (rice and fried chicken katsu) while T was busy preparing for his morning class as usual. We were chatting lightly and I was biting down on a piece of chicken when suddenly something cracked in my mouth. Oww.:( Apparently, he heard that too - because he whirled around with a stunned expression on his face.:O "Did you just bite the plastic fork?" "I think so." I gulped down the chicken piece and stared at the plastic fork in my hand. There was a small bitemark around one of the sharp edges. "Oh." We both cracked up laughing.xD *blushes* Last Friday, I went to Kuningan in the morning to start an early learning about my new job there. Minnie, a senior teacher (who is also one of T's closest and most trusted friends there since he worked there too long ago), has been very helpful that day.:) I just hope that I can remember everything well. (If I forget, T advises me to always ask around for help. Well, most of the other teachers there have said the same thing too.) Last Saturday was my very first day of working there.:P How was it? Hectic. At least I got to start learning the ropes and observing the whole situation. It's always good to get a heads-up, eh? Last Sunday, I visited the book fair alone. Lucky for me, since it was also the last day of it. I bought three books in the end: Andrei Aksana's poetry collection, Dee's anthology of short stories in "Madre", and another anthology of true satirical tales about the 'complexities' of Jakarta. Too bad I missed the manuscripts' fair.:'-( They opened a stand for aspiring new writers who wanted to submit their novels/books - in the same hope to get published. I got there at sometime around two in the afternoon, and they had already been closed! Fortunately, the remaining staff there were kind enough to hand me a copy of how-to-get-published. Next time, I shouldn't be late for that.:P Monday was the last day for my old job.:| I felt kind of sad, but I know that's just part of life. I've got to be brave about this or I might never learn to face the challenges. It's time that I stepped out of the comfort zone. Michael asked me to send him more of my stories.:) I must remember that. Of course, I'll pop in when I have the time. I am still in the same city, after all. I'd like to stay in touch with good people. "It feels so surreal, you know," Panda admitted to me last night, as I was clearing my desk. "I'm so used to seeing you around here everyday, and - starting tomorrow - I won't get to do that anymore." "I know, sweetie," I said sadly. (I'm going to miss you too, btw.:'-( A whole lot!) "But hey, you always know where to reach me. I'm still in the same city anyway." "I know." He sighed. "Still, it's always hard to say goodbye." "Then don't," I urged him. "Just say 'See you when I see you'." "Okay." He finally smiled at me. "See you when I see you." "See you when I see you." I know I'm a bit sentimental sometimes, but I left the note on my now-old desk once he was out the door. It said: "Love you all. Thanks for everything. See you when I see you." cheers, Your 'Kitty' :'-)... The Author/QB

"HE IS"(TO THE GIRL WITH AN IMPOSSIBLE WISHFUL THINKING)
He is the subject of your conversation. He is the object of your affection. Oh, isn't he lovely? Wouldn't it be so blissful, if he could always be the reason you felt beautiful? Before you know it, you've been caught up in your own wishful thinking. Gradually, it eats you up bit by bit. Don't you know that you've been daydreaming? He is such a dream. Then again, not every dream can come true. Not every dream has to. So, what are you going to do? Of course, you refuse to get stuck in the past. It is no use. At least now you're awake, for your next step to take. For the time being, it's just you and your shadow. Moving forward, that's where you'll go. I wish you would never be heartbroken. But if that happens, I am sure your scars will mend, until the day you find happiness again. The Author/QB

ALL ABOUT MOM
Losing a mother is the most horrible possibility in the world. I bet no child will ever want to experience that. I cannot even imagine that without shuddering in fear. That is why I cannot read "Please Look After Mom" by Korean author Kyung Sook Shin without wanting to cry. If anyone asks about Mom, I do not know where to start. There are many stories. Perhaps I could start from that religion class I had back in grade school. I remember that we were given prayer cards by a teacher. She said we were free to write down any prayers and wishes for our mothers. What I had hoped back then? It was simple. I just wanted Mom to be always happy and healthy. (It was a typical, childlike hope which had not been ruined by harsh reality.) I had also prayed that God would have still allowed me to see her when I grew up. Alhamdulillah, all my hopes and prayers came true. (She even smiled when she read the card.) A lot of friends had reminded me just how lucky I was - and that I had to be grateful. "You're lucky," they had told me. "You still get to see your mother when you're past eighteen. She could even attend your college graduation." There are many stories about Mom. She is the living proof of how strong a woman can be. (I have always wanted to confront anyone who dares say that women are weak - especially if that comes from men. However, she will reprimand: "Why bother wasting your energy for those who refuse to understand things?") Mom is never afraid to face the most ferocious people. I wonder if I will ever be as patient as she is. Patient? Wait a minute. There are times when she is tired. Like other people, Mom could get angry too. When that happens, all that remains is guilt and fear of sin as a rebellious child. Again, thank God, Mom is not the vengeful kind. Mom is not the type to overly praise her children. About how often she criticizes us, she only reasons: "The real world out there is a lot harder and harsher that my criticisms." It is true. That is how I know one of her greatest fears: to see all her children (easily) 'squashed' by trials of life. Do not ever picture Mom as the overly protective mother of her two daughters. Since our teenage years, my older sister and I have never had any 'curfews'. We are allowed to be friends with anybody and hang out late at night, under these terms and conditions: we must tell her where we go and what we will do there, we go out with our trusted and reliable friends, and there is at least one cellphone number that she can call to talk to us. If there are other mothers who criticize the way she raises us, her solid argument has always kept their mouths shut: "We can't always take care of our kids. Soon they must learn how to do that by themselves." A tough, realistic love, is it not? I have always loved that logical argument of hers. Maybe that is also why she is not the kind of mother who will tell you: "I love you and I will never leave you", even when the man you love the most has just broken your heart. She will probably just say: "Perhaps he's just not for you." Despite all that, she never stops reminding me to take care of myself and mind my surroundings. Her reason is always the same: "I trust you. I just don't trust the world around you that much." Especially with my hobby of challenging myself with danger, mostly to express my rage against all the guys who still think girls are weak. Lately, I do not wish to disturb Mom with all my problems. She is (too) tired, although sometimes she refuses to admit it. She even insists that it is okay for her (now grown-up) children to share their stories with her. Her door will always be open for us... Actually, there are many more stories about Mom. There are too many to write in here. One thing is certain, this is how she loves all her children. Full of genuine support, but without (too much) pampering. That is how she always has. And I am glad that she never stops...

"WHEN LOVE FEELS LIKE A BOTTLENECK..."
"Oftentimes, love feels like a bottleneck," she blurted out once to her friends. "There is only one way to find out whether you're going to be happy or heartbroken in the end." "Do you want to do that?" asked one of them. "Hmm," quietly she pondered. "Have I even got a choice? Does curiosity always kill the cat?" Wait, why is she still wondering? Has she forgotten the last result, which has left her feeling cold? "Maybe you should try a few other bottles," another suggested. Maybe, she silently agrees. But, isn't the content that matters? How does she know that it's not poisonous? "But it's always good to read the label first before taking a sip," another gave a valuable tip. But, what if the bottle weren't labeled? What if she still had no idea whether the content would do her more harm than good? Now she sits and stares at another empty bottle right there on her lonely table. Should she order another round to find the cure for her avid skepticism? The Author/QB

COUNTING DOWN, IT'S GETTING CLOSE...
More and more people at work know that I am leaving... I don't like talking about it.:| It's making me feel sad again. I mean, I love most of the people there and I'm going to miss them so much. That's for sure. But that has already been decided. I have made up my mind, and there's no turning back. It's time to move on... Both Mz.D and T have told me not to bother with those issues so much. They're right. This is not about them or other people. This is about me. This is just life, after all. This is also part of growing up. Sometimes, growing up also means daring to leave the comfort zone behind - and embark on a journey to the new unknown ahead. That's how you learn. I think I'd rather write about happier times these days.:) I'm glad that I get to do that more often. It's normal that we all want to remember good things... I've finally got to hang out with T and the girls of Panglima Polim - Hevi and Dewi - after my morning class last Thursday. I was putting things into my black bag when the trio asked me if I would like to join them for lunch at Blok M Plaza. "Sure." There we went, by Dewi's car. (But Hevi was the one driving.) We talked, joked, and giggled a lot on the way - almost like teenagers hanging out.:D We ended up eating at Domino's Pizza. We ordered two pans of pizza, a bottle of soda for all of us, and two chocolate lavas as dessert. Hmm!:D*drools* "Which do you guys like better - cheese or chocolate?" Hevi suddenly threw a question. She then answered her own first, "I prefer cheese." "I like chocolate," Dewi piped in. When the girls looked at T and me, we both grinned. "It's hard to choose," I admitted, "because I happen to like both." "Me too," T added. I guess that explained why we could finish our (share of) chocolate lava in a matter of...seconds. Hevi was genuinely amazed.*giggles*:P "Whoa, that was fast!" she exclaimed. He and I grinned. "I've told you, we're chocolate lovers," he said while I was giggling.:D The trio returned to Panglima Polim while I was leaving for Ciputat. Finally I'd gotten to hang out with them and it was fun.:) Last Saturday, I had a family gathering at PIM 2. Last Sunday, my brother and I accompanied Mom to a wedding at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Kuningan, South Jakarta. The Author/QB

SICKNESS, TIME THAT FLIES, AND OTHER STUFF
A half of last week was filled with my sickness.:( It started on Tuesday night last week when I ordered fish and chips at the restaurant next to where I work. It was delicious, but something happened after that at midnight. My body was suddenly burning. My stomach was churning. I couldn't sleep.:'-( I threw up in the bathroom that very night. Then I came back to bed shivering. I fell into a restless sleep... On Wednesday morning last week, I couldn't get up. My head was spinning.:( I called in sick that day. On Thursday morning last week, I had felt a bit better - so I went to Panglima Polim. My student had already cancelled the class that day, but I had to wait and see Michael for a discussion. Which was a big mistake.:( I did see Michael finally that afternoon, though, but it turned out that I still wasn't well. I couldn't finish my breakfast, because I suddenly felt sick again.:( My tongue was still dead white. (Usually, that is a sign of serious dehydration.) I was also craving for something sweet (to get rid of the acid sensation in my mouth), so I ended up buying a small package of sweets. And I couldn't stop eating them until T practically snatched the pack away from me. "Okay, you need to stop with that," he suggested, but he was also grinning. "Too much sugar is bad for you." "But I hate the acid taste in my mouth." Then I told T what had happened. (Well, not exactly everything - yuck!xP) I knew I sounded a bit like a spoiled ten-year-old girl, but I just couldn't help it. He often acts like a big brother to me, hehe.:P "Then you'd better drink tea." He handed me a sachet of lemon tea. Aww!:D "Okay." I hugged him lightly. "Thanks. You're a darling." Too bad you aren't straight.:P*big evil grin* He just grinned. While waiting for Michael, I tried my best not to throw up a lot again. I still felt sick.:( It seemed to be getting worse as the day wore on. I found myself staggering most of the time, NOT walking. I felt like a weakling old lady. In the end, I couldn't go to Ciputat. Too sick, too weak. My friend Mz.D - who had just started her morning class there - came downstairs into 'The Bat Cave' (that's how I call the teachers' room there, fyi.:P) When she saw me, she looked worried. "Are you okay?" "No." By that time, I had already texted my principal Marty, Panda, and Jules that I wasn't coming to Ciputat that afternoon. I didn't dare risk it. "It turns out that I am still sick." "Ouch." Then she turned to the others. I heard her talking to T. I was sitting at Linda's desk, holding my dizzying head in my hands. "I'm not used to seeing you this down," Michael observed me. Robert nodded in agreement. "Sorry," I told them both weakly. "You can blame it on my illness." "Oh, I will." He smiled. I smiled back weakly, realizing that he was only trying to cheer me up. What a nice old chap!:D Dewi had urged me to order lunch before I left, so I agreed. I didn't order much from GM. I was still too afraid to eat a lot. Mz.D left for Ciputat. After lunch, I went to the office sink in the room to wash the dishes. I had to stop, though, because my head was spinning again. Everything in the room suddenly seemed too bright for my photosensitive eyes. And the water tab in front of me looked as if it was...getting bigger. Okay, that was not a good sign. I felt a gentle hand on my back. "Are you okay?" Oh, it was T's voice. Wait, was he whispering? Why? "Do you need to sit down?" "In a moment." I realized that I was whispering too. Was I going to faint? "My head is still spinning." "Your stomach still feels sick?" "Something like that." Which I was trying to forget. "I still have some tea if you'd like." "No, thanks. I just 'wasted' the last one you gave me this morning." Realizing what I'd just said, I quickly added: "Sorry I just gave you the bad news." He chuckled and I relaxed a little. "It's okay, it's okay," he said. "My God, you're still shaking." "I know." And I hated it. "You can't go to work like this." "I know." See? This is why T feels like a big brother sometimes. "I'm calling a cab home after this." That's what I did. I went home early after that. I was still sick on Friday. Menti stopped by and thought my tongue still looked dead white. Mom and my brother went to Bandung for the weekend. I finally visited the doctor on Saturday morning. (Ha! Some weekend, eh?*sneers*:P) He didn't give me much, though, saying that I had gotten rid of most of the poison by throwing up constantly before. Now I'm ready to rock again.:D More stories to come. The Author/QB

THE LAST WEEKEND
Alright, as promised - I am giving you the recap of our previous company outing.:) November 12: We left Ciputat at around 6:30 am by bus. I sat with Gigi the whole journey and we talked and giggled a lot. (Especially when she was telling me stories about one corny co-worker at her morning school.:P) We arrived at Coolibah (a cluster of villas at Puncak, Bogor) before lunch-time. Not bad.:) The villa we chose has two swimming pools, a wide green area (full of trees, flowers, and fruit plants.:D) I miss the cool breeze and the fresh air. We played games a lot in the afternoon. Panda was so creative in creating such interesting games. We also played volleyball and football. I didn't join them in the pool after that because I just...wasn't well.:| Still, we had fun.:) At night, it was raining most of the time. I fell a bit ill, but I had managed to steal some short nap time.:( Most of us were playing cards or UNO stacko that night. We were also watching "Robin Hood:Men In Tights". (What a funny parody!:P) Dinner was awesome too. BBQ and salad. Fish and shrimp. Thankfully, my allergic reaction to seafood didn't kick in. However, after "Robin Hood:Men In Tights" - I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I didn't get to finish "The Thing" with everybody else (eventhough it is one of my favourite horror/sci-fi/thriller flicks.) I dragged myself first to the bedroom and fell asleep instantly. November 13: Amazingly, I woke up early. (Wait, was it four or five-ish?) I had a long hike with Panda, Indah, Sony (whom we ended up nicknaming 'Ducky' :P), Mas Ipin, Mr.Sarmento, and Mr.Tamrin outside the villa. The air was pretty chilly that I kept my grey hooded sweater on. What a beautiful morning on the hillside.:D The sky was clear blue. The air was not polluted. At all. I am going to miss those moments.:) I hope I will be lucky enough to have that kind of experience again. When we returned, breakfast was ready. Spaghetti and sausages! (Thanks to Jules!:D) Fried rice! (Thanks to Shanti!:D) Guess what?:P I had finally got thrown into the pool that morning. I was sitting by the pool when my principal Marty asked me right from the pool: "Can you swim?" "Yeah." Then I caught my friends' giggles and sideway glances at each other. Uh-oh. Not a good sign.:P I ran back to the villa before they managed to get me. But then I got bored upstairs and went back outside. (How silly.*giggles*:P) I thought they would have gone over the idea. I was dead wrong.:O This time, they were very quick. Before I could run away, Marty and Selvi dragged me by the arms. I was busy screaming and kicking, so Marty called for help. (Grrh!:P) Then Panda - one of the big guys at work - and Qimi The Squirrel (what a pet name!*big evil grin*:P) grabbed my ankles. I am literally heavy, so...no wonder it took about four people to throw me into the pool.:P SPLAT! Oooh, it was sooo cold.*shudders* The water was very cold.:O I came out on the surface, spitting. My green slippers were floating. They cracked up laughing at me. Oh, well...:P So be it, then. At sometime around ten, I headed for the shower and changed into dry clothes. (Thank God I still had spares in my travel bag - even for the last day!) We left the place at sometime after lunch. We took some pictures of us before getting on the bus. It was a long trip home. The traffic was almost unbearable. At least I brought a magazine and could sleep for a while. On and off, it was. We made a stop at Cimory and I bought five bottles of fresh, homemade yoghurt.:) Hmm, yummy! We finally arrived back at Ciputat at sometime around seven that night. I went home at after eight. I was very tired and fell asleep instantly, remembering my ten o'clock class on Monday morning.:| This week has sped by, so sorry I haven't written an update yet. Soon to come, I hope. I have been sick for the last three days. The Author/QB

"SAY IT TO MY FACE"
Hey, love. It has been a while since I saw your genuine smile. I don't know if you feel what I have been wondering lately. Is there still a 'we', or now a distant 'you and me'? Where are we standing now? I am feeling lost somehow, bumping against your invisible walls. If it is no longer here, let's just be crystal-clear. Say it to my face. Is it already over? Can't we make it any better? Just say it to my face. For too long we have been staring at each other in cold distaste. Is this time to be on our separate ways? Please... Just say it to my face. If this is our final goodbye, then I will stop wondering why. Each of us can reach the exit door, so none of us will have to take the pain anymore... The Author/QB

IN TRANSITION: ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR
I am in a transition now. I have already got one foot out the door. I am in the process of leaving my old job to the next. I have been accepted at another foreign language school in Kuningan since my last birthday (November 4). If everything goes smoothly, I will be starting my new teaching job on December 6. Let's just hope so.:) That also means I have to start finding a new place to live for the working days, then coming home on weekends. (At last, a reason to really move out!) The school is really, really far from where I live now that it feels like commuting there and back on a daily basis. (My parents live in the south and the school is in the central part of the city.) I don't want to be like one of those 'urban zombies' who have to get up super early, come home late, and sleep all through weekends! I know the job pays better this time, so that is why I am taking it. (I am no hypocrite.:P We always need more money, but I also need more new experiences.) I am just not keen on letting the daily traffic take over what is left of my 'free-time'. Still, there is no turning back. I have made up my mind. As much as I love all my friends at work now and am going to miss them so much when I leave, I must be brave about this. This is for me. I have got to take care of myself too. It is not always selfish. I am also important. For now, I am going through this transition first. It feels like having one foot already out the door, or a long pause before the end of the film. You know that once you make up your mind, you have got to stick to it. If you are still stuck around here, that only means you need to finish things fast. Otherwise, it just hurts. You know, like knowing that you may not be able to see these people as much as everyday anymore. The thought of saying goodbye to them just...saddens you.:( That is why it hurts. Alright, alright. Enough with this stupid sentimentality. I am going to be alright. I will be. I have to be. Still, I have been rather quiet around them lately. Another month to go, and then that's it. Bye-bye.:| For now, I am still here. There was a company outing last November 12-13, but the story will come later. This time, I am also proving Mom that I really can live on my own. It is about time, anyway. She has to let me go, or I will get tired on the road when I start my new job. First things first. I will get there eventually, but I must prioritize. Speaking of transition, I am genuinely worried about my dear friend Lovely Tony - or perhaps I should just call him "T" from now on. The last time we talked, he told me that he thought his relationship could not be saved anymore. Everything has gone stale...and his loved one grown cold. And I am afraid there will be a heart left broken soon.:( Poor T... The Author/QB

"I AM?"
I am who I am, one in a zillion a face of many. Whom can you see? Who is she? Is it really me? I can be of many things whatever you may think. I let you speculate. Well, what do you get? Is it accurate? Is there a decision made? I am the child inside whom they think refuse to grow up. I am the teenager, hoping to stay young forever. I am the adult, struggling to keep up with everything in the world. I am the sister. Little or big, take your pick. I still try to be a listener. I am the friend who hate to pretend. I am the stranger, silently watching from the corner, trying to understand everyone better. I am the girlie-girl: a plain Jane or a dazzling beauty? It is all up to me. Playing with your perceptions is quite a fun hobby. I am the tomboy, hiding my past, mental scars underneath this so-called tough exterior. I am Ms.Independent, clinging to the mercy of God; with all the strength and vulnerability I have got. I am the wallflower, among the couples in a romantic, slow-dance. Oh, whatever. Why should I feel dying for a chance? I am who I am, one in a zillion a face of many. Which do you (choose) to see? The Author/QB

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF A QUIRKY BACHELORETTE:
Welcome to the world of a quirky bachelorette. I will be your host for the next pages/entries ahead, until I decide to have a break from writing - or maybe until I just get too busy with reality.:P Anyway, you are about to be challenged by my feelings, my thoughts, my perceptions, and my opinions. As usual, we all know that nobody is perfect. We are only human here. This is just a place where you get to see the world around me through my eyes. I cannot promise you that I am and will always be right. (Come on, we all know how impossible that is.) However, if you have the time to follow me on this journey, then I really appreciate it. Well, even when I am clearly not that famous. I am just an ordinary me. Who? Me.:P The 30-year-old, quirky bachelorette who will give this answer when anyone asks about her age: Them: "How old are you?" Me: "I am fifteen...for the second time." xD LOL! Get it?*big evil grin* No problem if you don't.:P I just love that joke anyway. I don't even care if you think I am in some kind of denial. In other words: I just want to have fun.:P Until then, read the rest at your own risk! yours truly, The Author/The QB (Quirky Bachelorette)

"THE LAST ENTRY...FOR NOW"
Hmm, let's start this entry with two Saturdays ago: As promised, I became a jury for an English competition at Gigi's morning school in South Tangerang. Since it is pretty far from home, I could barely sleep the night before. (I could imagine how it was for Gigi, since she was also the co-ordinator for the spelling bee and the storytelling competition! Well, even when she lives much closer to the school.) I woke up at two a.m and could not go back to sleep. I had my early breakfast (with a cup of coffee, for sure!) at four. Then I prepared everything until dawn, which was time to go. I had ordered an ojek biker two days earlier, and he showed up outside the fence at 5:30 am. After that, we left. Earlier, I had told him the route - but he insisted that he know a shorter cut. I let him take me there, which was a big mistake. He ended up getting both of us...lost.:( Grrh!:x Thankfully, Gigi came to my rescue.:D I called her to explain what had happened and she asked me to wait for her at the mall near her house. Then I asked the ojek biker to retrace a bit, find another (more sensible) short cut, until...I finally reached the mall she was referring to. Thankfully, we finally made it to the school at sometime before eight. (At 7:30, perhaps? I couldn't recall.) That was when I started feeling sleepy, due to lack of sleep and despite my (early) morning coffee! However, that didn't last long. When I learned who'd be my partner for the job that morning, I felt my eyes widen in awe.:O God Almighty! I had silently praised.:D This is much better than coffee. LOL!xD There he came...the cutest guy I had ever seen. Connor Graham.:* However, I had to concentrate on our real work that day and just...be professional.:P*sighs* (Of course, even under NORMAL circumstances, I wouldn't start batting my - short, almost non-existent - eyelashes at him and acting like a flirtatious priss. Yuck!:|) I also didn't know my cousin would have been one of the contestants that day until she came in and her mother greeted me in front of everyone else shortly.*huffs* Tough. I knew they sort of expected me to let her win, but...a job is still a job. Like what I have mentioned earlier, be professional.*big evil grin* She didn't win, though. Connor and I (ahem!:P) had to choose the best ten out of thirty. Well, that was easy. After that, each had to come forward and spell the words both Connor and I mentioned in turns. All the while, I couldn't resist making a small talk with him. (Hehe, we all know that's not against any law.:P) He seemed like an interesting fellow too. And I was right.:) "So, Connor," I started lightly. "Is that an Irish name?" (I have known that already, so it was indeed a small talk.:P) "Yes," he responded with a friendly smile. God, he even had those smiling Irish eyes!*gasps* "And my last name is Graham, which is Scottish. So I'm half-Irish and half-Scottish, but I live in Canada." "Oh, I see." More about him?:P I thought so. Connor has been in Indonesia - on and off too, like my American friend Patrick. He used to be an English teacher too, but he is now a pilot-in-training. (Oh, cool!:D) We had giggled at the contestants' written results from the first round of the spelling bee. "I don't remember calling out these words," he exclaimed with glee. Despite the fact that he was drenched in his own sweat (yes, the room was already so hot for me - so poor Connor!), he seemed calm. Connor even encouraged one of the ten spelling bee finalists when the tired little girl suddenly burst in tears. (How sweet.:D) It took a while before she finally came forward. "I don't think we're too intimidating," he whispered to me when the hall was empty in between sessions. I shrugged. "I don't know about me, though." "Maybe it's because I'm a foreigner." After that, Gigi offered us something to drink. Connor obviously wanted cold water, but I also drank the coffee. (My second cup of the day.) He spoke Indonesian well. He thanked me when I handed him his drink. "Terima kasih." (Thank you.) "Sama-sama," I replied. (It means: "You're welcome.") Then we sat again for the storytelling competition. Most of the stories were about war heroes. Some kids performed in a flat tone, as if reading out or memorizing from a biography. Others really did some acting and brought realias to support their stories. One boy was very creative among the rest. I admired his originality, because he told a story about his conversation with his father about what it means to be a hero. Even Connor was mighty impressed with him. Unfortunately, he only got the runner-up spot. There was a girl who was more expressive than he was - with a much clearer voice too. Did I ask for Connor's number in the end? No. Sorry, I'm not that kind of girl - no matter how hot the guy is.:P I'm painfully shy when it comes to something like that.*blushes* I only do that when it's for something really, really important. After we had done our part for the day, Gigi took a picture of Connor and me.*blushes*:D Then, when Gigi asked me to do the same for Connor and her, I teased her: "I'm going to tell your boyfriend." "I want to make him feel jealous," she challenged back and the three of us cracked up laughing in the empty hall. Then the conversation carried on in the school teachers' room. While the other teachers were busy chatting, he and I sat next to each other again and talked. Somehow, I had the nerve to ask him The Question: "So, who's the lucky girl?" "Nah." He smiled shyly and shook his head. "There's no one right now." "Really?" I was genuinely amazed. (YAY!:D) "Come on. Look at you." Connor blushed as he laughed a little. "I'm serious," he said. "With my job travelling around, it's hard to find a girl who's understanding enough and can take the pressure. My dad is also a pilot, so I know how it is for Mom everytime he has to leave for the job." "Ah." I nodded. Then I added with a smile, "But some girls might find that romantic." He chuckled again and gave me his cute, boyish grin. "Believe me, my ex didn't think so." Then Connor told me about his last girlfriend, who had followed him all the way down to Jakarta. Then they went to Bali together (where Connor is currently staying.) After a year of no job, she couldn't take it anymore and they made a mutual decision to call it quits. She flew to Australia after that.:| Without him, of course. "Awww." "It's alright." Connor gave me that sweet, shy smile again, although - this time - he couldn't hide his real emotions anymore. His blue eyes betrayed him. They showed loneliness.:( "The next girl should be independent," I told him, grinning. Inside, I wanted to scream: 'Pick me, pick me! I can be your Ms.Independent any day you please.' :P LOL!!xD "Oh, she has to be very independent." Then somehow, I didn't know where I had gotten such boldness - I came up with this confession: "Most guys I have known here think I'm being too independent, as if I don't need them at all." It's not true, and I'm tired of their insecurity and demands that I change just to please them.*rolls eyes* "I know people have good intentions, but when they keep asking me about when I'll be getting married, I'm like: 'What? That's not the only happiness you can get here!'" "It's true." He nodded empathically. However, when he finally left, I hung out with Gigi and the other female teachers - and learned the shocking revelations about Connor...and their co-worker Mike.:| One of them saw Mike stroking Connor's brown hair this morning as the two lads were chatting. Oh, dear.:| God, I have no interests in Mike, eventhough he's gorgeous too - but please, don't tell me that Connor is...gay.:( Oh, well.*deep sigh* Whatever. For now, we have only speculations which I believe I don't have to mention here.*big evil grin* Besides, my chances are much slimmer than I am. After that, Gigi and I had a karaoke time.:D The Author

"FAITHLESS" (A TIRED ARGUMENT WITH A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED SKEPTIC)
He claims to have never met anyone as beautiful, yet also sarcastic as she is. Was there ever really one before? He is unsure. All he knows is that she is the only a distant, queen of ice for him to see. "Why should I believe in you? How do I know this time it is true? I have heard the same old, lines before a million times and more." Her past, mental scars strike him in the eye. She no longer tolerates any kinds of lies. How can he convince her that he is serious, when her skepticism is just hideous? "Love has been nothing but a mean joke, and I am tired of being provoked. They say I should never lose my faith yet I also have to face the fate. Why should I risk another heartache??" "How do you know that I am going to hurt you too?" he challenges her. Oh, how he wishes he could take all her pain away, chase all her demons down to the light of her day. If only they had met sooner... "You are right," she agrees. "I don't. Just like I don't know if this is real. I cannot let anything manipulate how I feel. That is why I need to stay awake. A pipe dream is no good for my sake." She turns around and flees, with his voice behind her: "Please, you are already awake! You have always been! This is not a dream! I am as real as you need me to be..." The Author

"A LEAP OF FAITH AT THE CROSSROADS..."
First of all, happy birthday for my lovely aunt Menti (alias Mama Venti) on October 24. So, what's the story for this entry? Again, it's a pretty long one. I didn't write much the last time, so here we go: Last Saturday, I wandered aimlessly around Blok M in the afternoon. (What can I say?:| I was bored.:P) I ate lunch alone and then went home. Mom and my brother went to Bandung. My sister and her family went out. Dad was - as usual - staying home with the male nurse. I had wanted to find a pair of sunglasses there, but could not find any which have suitable frames on my face. I needed second opinions. I am not that confident. (I am the lady with serious lack of fashion taste, remember?*big evil grin*) Why did I need sunglasses all of a sudden? It was the damn previous heatstroke that had hurt my eyes and given me the migraine.:( Obviously, it was from the radiation. A side-effect of the global warming. Will it get any worse?:( *shivers in fear* Anyway, I spent my Saturday night in front of TV for "Criminal Minds: Suspect Behaviour". Boring? No. I enjoy the show, as much as the original "Criminal Minds".:) Forest Whitaker happens to be one of my favourite actors. Then, out of the blue, Lovely Tony texted me. There's another opportunity for me at another foreign language school in Kuningan. He and I have been going over this possibility since last August...secretly. Am I interested? Yes. Have I sent my CV yet? Last Sunday night. Why?? *deep sigh* Alright, when it comes to making any possible progress for your career, you have to be very careful with your decisions. Emotions should be pushed aside for a while. Be logical and rational. First of all, do I still like my job now? I love it. Flexible working hours, freedom and creativity at work, and nice co-workers. (Well, I even think of them as my second family.:D) Plus, it is close to where I live. So, what is wrong? Nothing, really. But then again, that could be the tricky part. You know what they say about 'the comfort zone'. It can lead to stagnation, just because it makes you feel safe. Well, I received a reply from the school manager on Monday morning. (Okay, that was quick.) In order to show my seriousness, I contacted Mr.Lindsay - the school manager - on Tuesday morning. And I am having my first entry test there on Friday morning at nine. Well, I have got to be brave about this now. I think I have finally made up my mind. In the end, it is all about gaining more experiences, meeting new people, and expanding my network. Broadening my horizon, as Mz.D would always like to put it. So, am I ready for this kind of change? Yes, I am.:D No seconds thoughts or hesitations this time. Will I miss all my friends at work now? Of course. But this is just how life works. It is nothing personal. I love them all. I just don't want to get trapped in 'the comfort zone'. So, what's the other back-up plan? A media company, recommended by my friend Gita. I am going to try that too, although I have made up my mind. In the end, whichever accepts me first and offers me bigger salary than my current one, I will take it. For now, first things first. I still need to do my job well.:) Plus, my side project at Gigi's morning school this Saturday. What about my freelance translating job? It is off for now. One phone call from my cousin Rizki again and I will be on the move. It is that simple. I am back to writing more. Hopefully I will be more productive and can earn something more from this. As usual, I refuse to go down without a fight! *bares fangs* :P The Author

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!" :)
Happy birthday, Daddy.:) Stay strong. Don't give up. Keep on fighting. We love you. R./The Author

"WHEN THE HEATSTROKE HAS BEEN SIMPLY PARALYZING YOU..." =(
Again, I have been wanting to write here soonest.:( I mean, I have badly wanted to. Well, here I am now. As usual, reality often gets in the way. I have been busy, even during this relatively short break. Not to mention the heatstroke that has been causing me a serious migraine lately. (I hate this.) Monday was the last report card day. I was already exhausted. I could not wait for the term break. I went to Mayestik with Mom and my brother on Tuesday. We had lunch at Bakmi Boy before going to a tailor's and a seamstress' to have my coats shortened and skirts made. Wednesday was a long, hot day. The ladies at work and I visited one of the big bosses at a hospital in Ciledug, Tangerang. My brother had caught up with the latest weather report and warned me that it was going to be 35 C outside all day. I figured that was why my night class did not go so well.:| Everybody was tired, and so was I. Obviously, the heatstroke had vaporized all our strength. And I came home with a migraine that late night...:( On Thursday, I went to have lunch with Mom and Menti at PIM. Then we had to finish some stuff related to the selling of Grandpa's house in Veteran. My brother caught up with us some time later and we parted ways with Menti. The three of us (Mom, my brother, and I) went to Blok M Square, where my brother could have his late lunch and Mom and I just ordered coffee. (So typical.:P) After picking up my sister at work, we had dinner at Fitria-Perthok. I was still feeling dizzy, so no surprise that I had gone straight to bed the moment we got home. On Friday, Mom, my brother, and my nephew Ganesh and I had lunch at Andhakar.:) It was yummy. Now what? More writings. That's all for now. (Yep, still the same.:P) The Author

"BETWEEN (MY BUSY) SCHEDULES..."
I had had a major sore throat for a week before I finally re-visited my old doctor at Pondok Indah Hospital last Tuesday morning. The last time I went there was, like - eleven years ago? - when my allergies to cats were first discovered. It was a surprise that she still remembered me!:D:P Doc:"How often do you exercise? Your allergies seem to have come from lack of it." Me:"Err...good question, Doc."(blushes) Ouch.:( The diagnosis: my ears were itchy and my nose was slightly runny (especially at night and during low temperature.) I had also been coughing like crazy and feeling suffocated. Thanks to the pollutions in this city.*rolls eyes* I sometimes coughed too hard that my blood vessels just burst in my throat. ("Aargh! Grrh!!") Although it had nothing to do with any nasty viruses, it was still so bloody annoying.:( I couldn't speak well and sing. About 80% of my job involves speaking. What did she do, then? The doctor cleared my runny nose with a steely tool. (Cold!*shudders*) Then she practically choked me by poking the inside of my throat with a Betadine-covered cotton. Of course, I ended up throwing the yucky liquid up, which had been blocking my respiratory system for over a week.:( After that, she gave me three prescribed drugs which I had to take three times a day. Guess what? It was the same stuff she had given me eleven years ago.:P My morning class is over for now, but my student wants to continue next month. (No problem.) I'm going to miss hanging out with Lovely Tony in the mornings (and also everybody else there), but that is okay. As far as I have seen, I think we have gotten closer as friends.:) Sometimes he even feels more like a big brother to me. On Wednesday morning, I went to Panglima Polim to finish my morning class' evaluation report. I hung around there too until lunch with anyone I could come across with. Robert always shared his interests in things and enthusiasm in life. This lively, cheerful 50-year-old dad from London looks younger than his real age.:P I'll say he looks forty-ish. Thursday morning has been more interesting than ever. First, I showed up at sometime around eight in Panglima Polim. I waved at some of the janitors at the lobby and casually asked them if anyone had been downstairs already. That is why I wasn't surprised when Lovely Tony hid behind the wall and tried to surprise me. (He had already done that twice and only succeeded once so far. The first time was when I had been listening to my phone when he suddenly jumped in front of me. The second was when both of us were having similar throat problems that his coughing had already given him away even before he entered The Bat Cave.*big evil grin*:P LOL!xD) "They tipped me before I came in," I explained to him smugly, referring to the janitors upstairs. He groaned. "Damn," he cursed. Then he accused me with an evil grin on his handsome face, "You cheated." "Cheated? Me??" I took his bait, enjoying this silliness.:P "Did they tell you I was here or did you asked them?" "I asked them." "Ah...that means you cheated." "Hey, I didn't know this was supposed to be a game." That did it. We both cracked up laughing at that. Then our conversation stirred between jobs, life, career, shoes, until... "I have been curious, but I am afraid to offend you." "What?" Uh-oh. I sensed something wrong from his expression. "Last year, the first time we met...I thought you were...uh..." "What?" "A dyke." WHAT?!:-O He quickly blushed. "I'M SORRY!" "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" xD "Okay, I didn't expect that," he admitted, looking all surprised, confused, yet also relieved at my reaction. "I thought you would be offended." "Well, you're lucky that you're not the first person with the wrong ideas about me." And thankfully, since he and I are already friends, I didn't even think about punching him in the face for that. What for, anyway?:P He didn't mean to offend me. Well, what can I say?*shrugs* I am single and a tomboy.:P Of course, people will always, ALWAYS get the wrong impressions or ideas about me. That's nothing new anymore. The next thing I knew, we were opening up more about ourselves to each other. About our past and personal scars. About the first time he 'came out' and told his family, his relationships - past and present - and the social and religious consequences. About why I became a tomboy in the first place. It turned out that we both had the similar dad issues. Most of the time, I noticed that he was almost...in tears.:( Somehow, my heart just went out on him. I couldn't help caring for this man even more despite everything. Just like I had for...Pumpkin. I don't know what he actually meant by him needing my support. But if it means being his friend, of course I will be. I mean, we already are. Only God can be the judge of everything. We're only humans and we make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is free of sin. I think I sort of gave him a halfway hug while he was sitting in front of the computer that morning, just to show him that I wasn't mad at him for having mistaken me as a lesbian.:P (I am not good with words, unless when I write them. My irony.:|) When Muti walked in right after he had talked about his ailing uncle with leukemia (again, almost in tears :| ), I felt just...awkward repeating the same act. So I just mumbled something about heading upstairs to find the receptionist, rested my hands on his broad shoulders, saying gently: "Take it easy, okay?" "Okay." I am a tomboy, not heartless.:( But I guess we have already known that all along. I went to two weddings in a row last Saturday, but I am afraid I am too tired of writing more about them now. Next time? We'll see. The Author

"LUCKY..."
Is it always like that? My eyes caught a sight of you when you stared at your ringing cellphone. I could tell it was something out of the blue - all from your expression. Do you know how beautiful you looked at that moment? Then you answered the phone and your face lit up. You were just talking about that particular person before, so I could tell who the caller was - even before you finally told me after that. Is it usually like that? I wish you could tell me more about it. I wish I had the guts to ask you, knowing how childlike and silly this may sound to anyone in this adult world. Still, I found myself completely in awe that morning. I don't know why. Maybe it is the fact that I have got a rare talent in sensing the vibe. I know when people are in love with other people. I have got no idea how exactly. I just feel it, and - somehow - that only works when it is not related to me. (That is why I can never really tell whether there is any particular guy interested in me. Even if one exists, my friends usually notice him first before they tell me.) Is it like that? When you hear the voice of the one you love the most these days - even on the phone, there is that light in your beautiful, chocolate brown eyes. How your smile tells the world around you just how lucky you are. How your inner glow shows from the radiance in your face. Are all people in love like that? Will I look like that when I find love, when love finds me, and when I am in love? Will love ever really find me? Will I ever be in love again, this time without having to get myself heartbroken in the end? That is all I have ever really known when it comes to love. That is why I wondered about you and the love of your life on the phone. Have you got any idea just how lucky you two really are?:) I hope so. *deep sigh* The Author

"THE LONELY WEEKEND"
Okay, that sounds a bit too depressive.:P 'The lonely weekend'. Maybe I should rephrase that better: Solitary? The weekend in solitude? A perfect temporary getaway for an antisocial? (Wait, I'm not always like that!) A break from the usual, daily chaos? Whatever I'd like to call it.:P Still, this has been the lonely weekend for me. Am I really feeling that sad and lonely? Hmm, maybe not exactly. In fact, I'm generally fine. Happy, to be more precise.:) Like my brother has told me last night (as we were briefly chatting on FB), at least I've finally got my real break. A sense of peace and quiet, all to myself.:D Well, not really. Dad and the male nurse are at home, but you know what I mean. For the past couple of days, at least I got to go anywhere I like without having anyone or anything breathing down my neck. Poor Daddy...:( This also has something to do with the fact that I've been ill since Wednesday.:( I had dinner last Tuesday at my usual favourite meatball restaurant near from where I work and woke up the next morning with a horrid stomachache. Was the cheese meatball a bit stale already? That had been my early speculation. All I knew was that I'd had to cancel attending the internal training that morning. My room is practically next to the bathroom, so that was the safest spot for me. However, I didn't want to have my salary cut short - so I finally forced myself to go to work in the afternoon. (I know, I know. That wasn't very wise of me.:|) Thank God my student for the night class had cancelled the meeting again, so I could go home early. Jules had speculated that it might have been my PMS, and I had thought: oh, shit. Not again.*rolls eyes* I didn't put any sauce on the meatballs, and I've known better to stay away from spicy foods. (Not very Indonesian of me, eh?*sneers* Patrick once teased me about this.:P) By the time I got home, I had no more energy to do anything else. Mom had suggested that I visit the neighbourhood clinic the next morning, but I remembered my morning class at Panglima Polim. It was amazing how I could stand going to work all through Thursday. It was freaking hot all day and I was also dehydrated. I drank a lot but I couldn't eat much. I was afraid. However, I still talked to and smiled at a lot of people. Robert told me that his twelve-year-old son Alex had finished reading J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows" in three days!:D Impressive. In fact, he never lets Alex watch any movies - especially the adaptations - before reading the books first. Lovely Tony was there too, but we only talked briefly. I had to leave for my next two classes soon. By the end of my class, I felt like either throwing up or fainting...or even both.:( I informed Marty and the rest that I couldn't make it on Friday. Let the kids do the mid-exam without me. Friday was my time-out. I was mostly lying in bed, drinking lots of water, taking meds, and eating less. No, I didn't go to the clinic. I didn't have to, anyway, knowing the doctor would've said the same thing: "For a week: no spicy foods." (No problem.:P) "No fries." (Uh, okay.) "No chocolate." (What?) "And NO COFFEE." (NOOO!!='-0) Thank God I got better yesterday. However, Mom still didn't trust my condition enough for an out-of-town trip- so almost everybody had gone off to Bandung this weekend, leaving Dad and me. Oh, well. I didn't do much, though. I've given up on that online quiz for a free Linkin Park ticket.:( I never won. Just my luck. But I did go online for four hours straight last night. That wasn't such a record, remembering that the last time I'd gone that long was when I chatted with Tiger while sending job resumes, writings, and other stuff. Okay, I'm really bored now. I've got to go. See you when I see you.:) The Author

"WHEN SELFISHNESS HAS PLAGUED THE PUBLIC SPACE"
What happened last week on Saturday (10/9) has kept me wondering. That afternoon, I had lunch at a food court in one of the city's malls with my sister and her two children. After lunch, her six-month-old baby was thirsty. We headed over to the nearest nursery room. By the time we got there, the door was locked. My sister knocked on it. The door was opened. A young mother from inside the room was smiling stiffly as she said, "It's occupied, Miss." Then it was slammed again in seconds - right in front of our faces. Obviously, that woman did not seem to care if someone else also needed that room. My sister then asked one of the janitors who happened to pass us: "Isn't the nursery room a communal space?" "Yes, it is." "Then how come that woman is using that all to herself?" my sister demanded. "She's even locking the door!" "Uh, I don't know about that, Ma'am." The janitor seemed nervous despite her still friendly, polite smile. "We're just providing it." Then she hurried off before my sister could pursue her with further questions. Perhaps it was not the first time the janitor had a second thought about reminding visitors who take the term "Pelanggan adalah raja/ratu" (Costumers are kings/queens) way too literally. Yes, especially when these costumers prefer treating the public space as if it is their personal domain. It is up to them if they do not feel like sharing it. Other people may find their own. When my sister knocked that door for the last time, the door burst open again. This time, the woman looked annoyed. "Why don't you see for yourself here?" she yelled. "It's a very small space. Can you actually fit in here?!" What had my sister seen in there? It was indeed, a small space. It became even smaller with the way she had dropped her baby stroller across the floor. Not to mention the way she had rested her child - who turned out to be a toddler, not a baby anymore - on a long bench which was supposed to still fit for about two until three more adults. Not wanting to cause a scene, my sister gave up. We finally walked away to find another place. The woman went back to hogging that entire room. Actually, the mall has more than one nursery room in the building. However, that woman had no courtesy to at least apologize for having hogged the entire space or try finding a solution so that my sister and her thirsty baby could have a decent spot in it. She did not even bother. If I did not remember what has been happening to Prita Mulyasari, I might have taken the picture of that woman and have it posted here. But, come to think of it, what could I have possibly gained from that? That is why I only make her a perfect example on how many urban citizens - whom we often speculate as 'the more educated ones' - have lost empathy on others. What a shame... The Author

"AN ODD COMPARISON":P
"Oftentimes, love feels like a bottleneck. There's only one way to find out whether you're going to be happy or heartbroken in the end." Hehe.:P Honestly, I had no idea where that actually came from. Maybe that's the thing about being romantically-challenged: you get to have a lot of unusual perspectives about love. Is it so bad? Hey, don't even ask me that!*sneers* Here are some of my friends' comments so far: Hevi: "Do you want to do that?" (Uh, do I really have a choice?:P) Lovely Tony: "Sometimes you have to try a few other bottles too." (Hehe.:) Always Mr.Optimistic. That's what I absolutely adore about him. Too bad I keep getting the wrong bottles.*sneers* Or is it more about the liquid content?*big evil grin*) Amber: "But it is always good to read the label first before taking a sip." (LOL!!:D What if the bottle weren't labeled? Would I be considered stupid enough to try, just out of pure curiousity? Or, what if we still had no idea whether the content would do us good instead of harm? How do we know it's not poisonous?) I don't know.*shrugs* I have no idea why I keep getting the wrong bottles. Those labels don't tell a lot either. In the end, you still have to risk yourself out. Not every perfect dream has to come true. Not every love has to produce a relationship. In the end, you can count on no one but only you. That's always been my reality and only God can change that. I've come to terms with that and don't expect anyone to understand me. Still, I'm sick to death of the same old shit. The Author

"REMEMBER THAT SEPTEMBER...=("
*prays*

"HOLIDAY?:P WHAT HOLIDAY?"
I don't need to tell you more about my Eid holiday.:P It didn't really feel like holiday to me. We mostly stayed home, doing house chores and taking care of Dad. Well, Dad needs us to take care of him.:| He's still sick. Besides, there really wasn't that much to do around the city. Same old, same old. Quiet streets, with over half the population elsewhere. Good thing, I guess. Lack of pollution and stress factors. Well, at least that will last for...this week. Still, my head feels noisy. A day without writing is quite a mental torture.:P Alright, you can just ignore that. I do that a lot.:P How was my first day back to work - which was last Monday? Not too good, I'm afraid.:( We had relatives over at home last Sunday and I was just...exhausted. (It's not like I wasn't glad to see them all.) Plus, I've been battling flu and a slight fever. Even my throat is still sore.:( I hate this. I know I'm not the patient kind when it comes to dealing with illnesses. I should be taking care of myself better. How did that happen? It was pretty funny, actually. The virus simply travels around. Everyone gets their turn if they don't take care of themselves better. One day, I was holding my six-month-old nephew Baby Gyan when he suddenly looked up at me and sneezed. Thanks, baby.:P Oh, and I've done a lot of 'weight-lifting' when Dad's male nurse was away on holiday, if you know what I mean. Mom, my brother, and I mostly. Dad's on the wheelchair. Since then, I've been self-medicating with a combination of aspirin, cough drops, and...coffee. Sounds crazy and dangerous enough to you? Maybe.*shrugs* I know I still need proper sleep, but there are things to do and they can't always wait. Okay, I'm shivering again now. I need to calm down. Ciputat school opened on Wednesday, so I only went to Panglima Polim on Monday. I didn't feel 100% ready for the class, but somehow I still managed. My student brought up the subject of a car accident in Cipularang highway which had killed a local celebrity's wife. Then I suddenly remembered my brother's ex-girlfriend Dindi's stories about other true horror experiences related to the same location. I don't know why. It was just completely out of the blue. I bought lunch at "7-11" with Linda. Novel came with chocolate-flavoured banana chips. I was sharing some horror stories with the girls until Agus started joking around with me, trying to imitate ghosts from tacky local movies.:P Not working.*giggles* But we were laughing anyway. He's quiet but funny sometimes. Poor Lovely Tony. He was sick too like me. He said he preferred staying home last holiday. But he did bake some yummy-sounding stuff for people during Eid.:) He's just so sweet. I can't wait for him to start opening his own bakery here.:) That would be super! He told us that he was kind of begging his mother in Australia to send him some of her personal, family recipes, so that he could do some experiments on them. I couldn't resist teasing him: "Can I steal your recipes?":P *big evil grin* I hope he knew that I was just kidding, as usual.*giggles* I mean, me? The kitchen klutz??:P Wade's nose looked much better than the last time I'd seen it. The reddish scar was still visible, but at least his face wasn't as mashed up anymore. "That's good," I commented. When he looked at me, I gestured at my own nose and added, "It's almost gone." "Oh." He smiled. "Thanks." "No problem." I'd just noticed something about his cousin Dan. It happened after I picked up my bags at 2:00 pm and bid farewell to almost everyone in The Bat Cave. ("See you when I get to see you!" Lovely Tony had replied with a smile.:) It's the same line I often use when I say goodbye to him.) I trudged up the stairs and almost bumped into...Dan. Damn. He has smoky blue eyes and reddish - strawberry? - blond hair. He's also rather short, thin, and pale. He looks so much like Red. Feeling embarrassed that he caught me staring at him, I quickly extended my right hand and smiled. "Hi, you must be..." "Dan." He smiled back and we shook hands. After exchanging small, polite conversation, I dashed out before I started doing something worse any klutz ever possibly could. *gulps* The Author

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 2"
Oh, you praise your IQ as you disregard my point of view, belittling everything I do, demanding that I look up to you. Aren't you just funny, expecting awe from someone like me? If I am as small as you see, then accept my non-existing sympathy! So what? This is all you've got for treating others with no respect. Oh, what a heartless braniac! Go on, stick to your beloved IQ, while I'm on to something new. Even this stupid little game is too old for you. As far as I'm concerned; we're through! The Author

"ANOTHER SILENT CONVERSATION WITH DAD..."
"Dad, can I ask you a favour?" He nodded. "I need you to pray for me." He nodded again. I sighed in relief. "Thank you." Yikes, this is hard. "Dad, I'm not a freak...right?" He nodded. His lips trembled a little. "And somebody wants to be with someone like me?" He nodded again. I pressed his hand, silently begging, please, don't cry.:'-( "I'm sorry, Daddy. I have to ask that." Another nod. When our eyes finally met, I smiled at him. The corner of his mouth twitched a little. Was that a smile? "I know you didn't really mean what you said back then," I told him. "I know that now. You were just angry. I know you didn't mean it." He nodded again. His shoulders shook slightly. "Sssh, it's okay." Suddenly I felt more terrible than ever. "I'm sorry I have let you down so many times before." He shook his head. Was that a 'no'? "So, are you really going to pray for me too this time?" It took one last nod to lift off the weight of the years. "Thank you, Daddy. I love you." I wished he'd been able to answer that. I still do. If only he could talk again...:'-( The Author

"POST-EID: WHAT TO DO NEXT"
First of all, Eid Mubarak to those who have just celebrated it.:) Have a more forgiving soul and a more peaceful life on earth and here after, everyone. That's the true essence of the Eid celebration. May we all reach that. Amen.:) Still, I'm not perfect.:P I mean, nobody ever really is. But I'm still trying. It's not easy. But just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's impossible, right? Anyway, there was quite a rift before the Eid. Some believed it was supposed to be on August 30, but the experts noticed that it was on the 31st. The verdict: August 31. Actually, it wasn't that big a deal. As long as the whole point of the ritual is the same, so what?*shrugs* No harm, no foul. Right? Hmm, so what to do next? First things first, I guess. As usual. We're having more people over again on September 4, so that means more...hard work...again. Also, I owe the magazine stand some money.*blushes* I'll be back to work on September 5. Yikes!:O*yawns* Oh, well. I hope I'll meet Lovely Tony again in the morning before my ten o'clock class, or else I'll be sleepy and in need of a cup of strong, black coffee. I really do enjoy his company.:) Knowing he's leaving the school on December, I guess I'll just enjoy that while he's still around. There's another thing I'm afraid I have to do as well. It just can't be put off. Another wisdom tooth is growing. It stings like a bitch and gives me a headache. I think it's the shape of a fang.:( Ouch. My dentist cousin Shari has already scheduled an appointment for me on Tuesday morning. I hope it's nothing (too) serious. If a surgery is required, then let's get this over with. What about Linkin Park?:| They're performing on September 21 here. The tickets are madly expensive. The cheapest one is already over a quarter of my salary. Obviously, I just can't afford it. And I haven't won any of it from any quizzes yet. Still, I want to go so bad. I don't care if I've already seen them live the first time they got here. Why? I love them. What am I to do now? I can't just mug people on the streets or rob a bank for it.*big evil grin* Just kidding.:P Of course not. That would be stupid. I do have one last plan, though. One I've been thinking about lately when all else fails and I don't get the ticket at all when the day comes. I just hope it works out. That's all. The Desperate LP Fan :(

"DISSOCIATION"
Here we are again now. Go on, look out the window. It's the same old situation: It's the place where anything goes. They love to hide what everyone knows. like acting rich, despite no money in their pockets; a carefree life, no regrets or looking healthy, when you're sick inside. Sometimes it's necessary and worth the fight. What happens when you're out of steam? Can you still fill the emptiness in your dreams? How about looking pretty, despite the concealed, hideous scars? Chasing down the demons, while reaching for the stars. Let's pray they'll never come back just to throw you off the track! Who are we? Whom do we want to be? Whom do they expect us to be? The mirror often reflects the answers we'd either choose to accept or reject: "No, this is me. It's whom they refuse to see. There are sacrifices to be made to avoid fear, judgement, indifference, and even hate..." Until when? Good question. If that's what we all do, then how do I know that I'm talking to you? How can you tell that it's me you're talking to? Is our every word ever really, really true? The Author

"THE LAST WEEK OF RAMADAN: A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS"
It's been a while since the last time I wrote in here, eh?:P I meant to return sooner, but some things had kept me away. Reality's been making me busy. It's a hectic life out there. We're about to reach the end of Ramadan this year. Here I am now, with a flood of thoughts as usual. Where do I begin? Hmm, let's see. I find myself standing at the crossroad again, all in my mental picture. Which path I must choose next? Where does that lead me to? Will there be regrets or something better that awaits? Is it safe? All that jazz. Nothing new. Well, do you believe in a chain of events? I do. It's the moment where we can say: 'If I hadn't met that person/done this, I would...'(fill in the blank according to your own personal experience as you may.:P) There are a lot of things I can write about that. For now, just a few. I'm still searching for other chances to broaden my horizon, while maintaining my writing career. (Which I haven't really done in a good way lately.:|) Don't get me wrong. I love my job now. Despite the low salary, it's the most convenient job I've got so far. I love the challenges and have met many good friends and interesting colleagues along the way. I think I've already seen it all. I don't forget the real purpose I took the job in the first place - three years ago. It's been fun.:) I've been on both sides of the table there, because I've been a student too as a child. The funny thing is, I come from a long line of teachers in my family (my father's side, mostly), but had hardly thought about following the same path until the time I met my friends Patrick and Hani.:D So, I could say that if I hadn't met both of them, I wouldn't have thought of becoming a teacher myself. I always remember the light in their eyes when they talked about their teaching jobs. Pretty ironic, eh?:P Especially since I was also an odd and academically troubled student. I hate to admit this, but I've somehow found myself growing emotionally attached to...Lovely Tony. No, it's not an infatuation or a silly crush like that. He's seriously good-looking, I know, but obviously off-limits. He's in a relationship, and...not interested in women. Enough said.*big evil grin* I don't know why. Maybe it's the quiet mornings we often spend together at work. We talk about work, life, and joke around too. (Well, at least the last one is enough to make us smile, laugh, and feel less sleepy.) We also throw comments on FB. What else? Maybe it's just something I miss. There's something brotherly about him, the way I often feel about my pal Al...and sometimes Tiger too. (He even sounds like Tiger when he speaks sometimes - even with a different accent.) He feels like the rainbow, or the morning sunshine itself.:) Maybe that's what I've been missing about myself lately, which I somehow can find in him. It's the sense of lightness, positivity and enthusiasm. I mean, when he went to Bali for a short holiday, I found myself staring at the mirror and asking these questions: "When was the last time you had a holiday? A REAL holiday, where you don't have to worry about anything or anyone but yourself? Just let loose and be YOU under no microscopes of scrutiny and judgements for a while. At all. No expectations or demands. No accusations for being selfish." Is it selfish to do so? Everybody needs a break, right? Like me, Lovely Tony has a personal career goal as well. I still want to become an author. He wants to open his own business. A bakery.:D I know he's not staying at the school for long. He's already told me that in one of our conversations. I feel kind of sad knowing that, but I understand that he needs to do what makes him happy. Besides, he's right. Life's too short. I fear stagnation. I don't want to end up getting myself stuck in the same place, with nowhere to go. We've got to do what we've got to do to gain something better, right? I still have dreams. "When that day comes," I said, referring to the day his last contract ends (which is sometime this December *snifs*), "I'm going to miss our morning conversations." He smiled at that. I smiled back at him and added, "I'm serious." Do you remember the prayer I've made before Ramadan this year? It's still the same. Linda once asked me how I'd been doing lately. My answer? Fine, as long I don't have to deal with love that leads nowhere. "Why?" She'd looked concerned. "My relationship with love/romance is as good as an agnostic's with God." Yep. Scary but true. At least I still have the guts to admit that and address the issue. You can tell me not to be like that. You can call me pathetic. I don't care. All I still believe is that only God can change that for me. I mean, I still believe that love exists, but only when it happens to other people but me. For me these days, it's just too damn good to be true. I only know that it can always break your heart. I am so damn good at getting my heart broken that I start wondering whether love is really worth it or not. Who's this guy anyway? How can he be so sure that I am the missing point in his life? We've never even met for real, for God's sake! He could be either a stalker, a lonely broken Romeo, or another modern version of Phantom of The Opera. Still, he sounds genuine. Should I trust my gut? Oh, wait. What does it tell me?? Is it love, a mere distraction, or just another mean joke preying on the same, easy victim? Some test of faith, eh?:| The Author

"THE THIRD THREE DAYS"
I didn't do much last Sunday. I mostly relaxed at home and finished up the reading from Robert. Wade's broken nose was still the talk of the office on Monday. (It turned out that Robert wasn't kidding when he mentioned about the newspaper earlier.) Some girls delivered the story behind the injury: One night, Wade woke up to the barking sound of a neighbour's dog. Feeling more than annoyed, he stormed out and confronted the owner. They got into a huge row until they woke up the entire neighbourhood. Unfortunately for Wade, the whole cluster was on the dog's master's side. The row then escalated into a serious fist-fight until...well, Wade got whacked in the face. Yes, it was on the local newspaper. I don't know which one, and I don't intend to find out.:P I'm also unsure whether it really was true or not, but it was also stated that Wade had come bursting out that night with a knife. (Or, was it the neighbour?) "Isn't his wife pregnant?" "Are they EVEN married?" Uh-oh. Okay, no comment. Mz.D says that most teachers there know Wade's been on "something". (She used to work there for a year.) I know people can do a lot of unimaginable things when they're not 100% sober. They can say things they regret later or worse - they don't remember. Other than that, nothing else too serious happened around here. My life seems to stay at stagnation. Hmm... The Author

"THE SECOND THREE DAYS"
Thursday was indeed a very busy day. It was a hectic one. I started it with my ten-o'clock class at Panglima Polim. Since Mom and my brother needed me to help them with the catering delivery, I waited for them there after class. I don't know if I am ever moving there permanently. Up to now, I still haven't received their official offer. But I don't rely so much on it. I'm still looking around for more possible options. Not much I did there. Other teachers were busy preparing for their next classes, so I didn't dare disturb them that much. I just talked to some of the girls (who happen to be minority.) A tall, serious-looking redhead (or dusty blond?) guy came in and mumbled a hi to everybody - including me. (Later I found out from Mz.D that it was Dan.) Then he busied himself with the computer. Robert asked for my help to try out a school material. I must return it tomorrow morning. Then more teachers came. Mz.D has already filled me in on some people there, but I was still shocked to see Dan's cousin Wade showing up...with a plastered broken nose and a black eye. He grinned at me. (I admit that he's actually pretty good-looking too, but there's something rather 'off' about him. He's like a rowdy, overgrown Peter Pan - especially with such a "reputation".*raises an eyebrow*) "What happened?" I couldn't help asking. I was curious. He grinned at me again. "Grass," he slurred, so I wasn't sure if I'd heard him right. Then Robert quietly interrupted beside me: "Haven't you read the newspaper today?" "Hmm, no." I looked at him. "Why? Would there be an explanation on...that?" Thankfully, Wade had turned around when my finger was pointed. Robert hissed: "Ssh!" "Oh." That was when I realized that Robert was just being sarcastic.*blushes* Silly me. Later, when I told Mz.D about Wade's broken nose, she speculated, "Probably just another bar-fight." Ooh. After receiving a phone call from Mom (she and my brother were waiting at the parking lot outside), I saw Lovely Tony coming in. He's just celebrated his birthday on August 2. "Tony!" "Hi," he greeted back and smiled at me. We shook hands and I felt his thick beard graze my cheek a bit. "How was the celebration?" I asked him. "Not finished yet, apparently." Then he started telling everybody in the room about his plan to visit Bali in the next couple of weeks with his crew of friends.:) One lucky lad. I couldn't stay long after that. Time for the catering delivery. There wasn't much to tell about it. Traffic, traffic, traffic. It got so bad that I had to admit: "HELP! We're drowning in a sea of vehicles!":( --- // --- Not much to do on Friday. I went to work for a while to check for my new class schedule. Then I joined Mom, my brother, Menti's family, and Aunt Nina's family for dinner at PIM. It's been a long time since we actually did that.:D --- // --- On Saturday, Mom wanted me to accompany her to Mayestik. We had dinner at GM in Bintaro Plaza after that. Oh, we did some shopping too! The Author

"THE FIRST THREE DAYS"
I've finally accepted Mz.D's challenge. The night before the first day of Ramadan, I registered my name to a local newspaper website for my own blog there. Why another blog? This time, it's different. It's not just about my daily, mundane stuff. It should be about something more serious and thought-provoking. She's challenged me to start a real citizen journalism.:D I still don't know what I'm going to start writing there, but I'm sure it'll be an interesting project. Besides, if I get lucky, the newspaper might be interested to publish all my works in real print - just like what they've done to other bloggers there. Come to think of it, why not? It's always worth the try.:) It's not just about the money, but also acknowledgment to my work. We'll see. I'm looking forward to it.:) What am I going to do today? Probably not much. I'll just write, write, and write some more. There are also lots to read here to help me to pass the time. Some TV crime shows? Why not? No complaints here.:) I have to go to work too for the students doing the make-up exams. The Author

"THE FASTING MONTH, A REALLY SHORT TERM BREAK, AND A REGULAR WORKAHOLIC"
Here we are again. Another fasting month this year. The first week of Ramadan is also my term break at work. A really short one, though. I still have my morning class at Panglima Polim on Mondays and Thursdays. That's okay.:) More money and I get to meet my friend Lovely Tony there as well. After the concert last weekend, I'm back to being a regular workaholic. So far, that's the good thing that can help me to take my mind off 'unnecessary things'. Keeping busy to stay sane and sensible, that is.:P Tiger said his fasting month there starts on Tuesday. Well, at least I know when to send him an Eid e-card after that.;) My good friend Leese had an amazing tour around South Korea after her research paper on EFL teaching won a competition this week.:) I'm very proud of her, because she's really that good. She's earned it. This is the first time that I've seen her this happy in years since I've gotten to know her. I'm happy for her.:) Despite her broken home, she's managed to succeed. It's never really been easy for her, especially since - sadly - her own mother doesn't even seem to notice how wonderful her only daughter actually is.:( I hope God will give her more miracles that she truly deserves this Ramadan.:) Leese has been a rock to herself. I'm sick of seeing her get hurt over and over by some guys who don't even deserve her attention. She deserves a real man who loves and respects her the way she is. What miracles do I want - and need - this Ramadan? I guess it's still the same thing. I want to be able to speak of love without feeling any pain. I want to bring myself to start believing in it again, because - as sad as this sounds - I just don't. I can't, no matter how hard I've tried. (Of course, some people might accuse me of not trying hard enough, as usual - but they often have no idea.) All along, I only know that the good sides of love happen to other people but me. I only know that love has done nothing more than showing me that it never stays just for me. Maybe I've been so good at playing a heartbroken girl that God keeps giving me the same role over and over again. Was it something horrid and unforgivable I did in the past?? *deep sigh* I don't know. That's all I've ever known about love so far. And btw, I still challenge God the same thing, since He's the only who can change my mind on this. I don't expect any of you to have to understand this. I'm just sick to death of the same result that I say, "Show me one damn, good reason why love is really worth it. Just one, because I don't want to sound like a nagging little girl. I'm just a bloody skeptic." If there's still none for me, then please - make those annoyingly judgmental people out there on single women like me shut the hell up. This year, I need to go through the fasting month better than before - and I don't need anyone to start pissing me off with why the hell I'm still single. Even better, God, make them all turn away if I bug them that much. Thank you. Forgive me for sounding so chronically bitter, but I'm sure You understand me best. The Author

"A LONG SATURDAY @ JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2011: A SHORT ADVENTURE OF THE FABULOUS FOUR"
Date: Saturday, July 23, 2011 - Sunday, July 24, 2011 Location: Ancol, North Jakarta Event: Java Rockingland 2011 The Fab Four: me (hehe!:P), Gigi, Froggy, and Uthie It was a long Saturday at Java Rockingland 2011 in Ancol, North Jakarta. It was also a short but wonderful adventure of The Fab Four (a.k.a. my friends and I. Hehe!:P) We gathered at Blok M's underground bus station at sometime around four. Then we took the Trans-Jakarta bus rides to Ancol. It was a quick one. We arrived at Ancol at around five. It was still too early for us, even when the show had already started at four. The sky was still pretty bright, so we decided to walk all the way down to Carnival Beach - where the concert was being held. It was one hell of a long walk, but I didn't care. We were having fun, taking pictures and joking around. The air smelt of polluted salty water. (North Jakarta is closest to the sea.) We had dinner at MacDonald's before we entered the gate at 7:15 that night. It was already dark, and the place was packed, just like last year. Some bands had already been playing. We stopped by to watch the performance of Young The Giant on one stage. It was the very first time for me to watch them, and I thought, "Wow, they're great." They even covered one track from The Strokes very well. The lead singer?*drools* Hehe.:P He was just so my type. Tall, with dark brown complexion and thick eyebrows. SEXY.:D He even has a sexy, singing voice (according to me, at least.:P Hehe.*big evil grin*) That's why my friends had a hard time dragging me away to see other performers and roam around. It was like...pure infatuation. (Aww!:P) I felt like leaving part of my heart right there and then. *giggles* I know, I know.:P I'm just being crazy, as always. Anyway, when I first heard the intro of Live's "All Over You" from the other stage nearby, I couldn't help myself. I bolted there, suddenly forgetting my three friends behind. (Sorry.*blushes*) Uthie still managed to keep up with me. Ed Kowalczyk (sp?) - the lead singer of Live (I suppose the band's split for a long time now) - showed up with his other band. Earlier when I read the schedule for the Saturday shows, I'd thought he'd have only performed his own solo tracks. It turned out that he and his band were also playing songs by Live: "Selling The Drama", "I Alone", "Lightning Crashes", "Beauty of Grace", and even the ballad "Overcome". Oh, and they also played "Dolphin's Cry" and "Lakini's Juice". "I wrote this song when my first daughter was born," Ed announced sometime that night. We all caught the cue, and somebody screamed before Ed even got the title out: "Heaven!" Then came one of the sweetest songs a rock musician had ever made - all in the name of a father's love: "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven. I look at my daughter and I believe..." Aww!:D Neon Trees performed at a nearby stage right after Ed and friends left. I don't know this band that well. I only hear their song "Animal" on the radio a lot lately. I think they're pretty good. I'm also impressed with their lady drummer because she also sings back-up. She's very good! The Cranberries really rocked the night.:D They started their part with "Don't Analyze", before carrying on with "Animal Instinct". They also played "Linger", "Just My Imagination", "Dreaming My Dreams", "Waltzing", "Ode To My Family", "I Can't Be With You", "Zombie", and "Salvation". They introduced some of their new songs from their next (comeback?) album, including "Schizophrenic Playboys".(???) Dolores and the lads ended the show with "Promises" and..."Dreams". We left the show sometime after midnight. I guess everybody must've been very tired. All in all, it was an awesome show. Hope to see the progress of the event next year! The Author

ON MY WAY TO JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2011...=D
I'm on my way to Java Rockingland 2011 now this evening. I'm going with Gigi, her boyfriend Froggy, and her best friend Uthie.=D We're going to watch The Cranberries tonight! YAY! The bad news is: I don't think I can watch Incubus on Tuesday. I'm broke.=( I've missed them before when they first visited here, and I have to miss them now. Oh, well. We can't just have it all, can we? What about Linkin Park?(September 21) We'll see. I'm still trying my best. The Author

"THE CLASS PROJECT: HIGH-SCHOOL BULLYING"
I have been working on a class project with my students. The first week of school has gone by in a flash, but we have decided to use the theme "School Bullying" and this is one of their essays: Rasti's story: Rasti*(16) is being bullied by her school seniors only because they think she is annoying. Her voice sounds like a little girl's and that somehow upsets them. Because of their mockery, she feels so angry. She hates her seniors more. (as retold by Valerie*) *All names have been changed. --- // --- One of the most popular public high schools in Jakarta has this annual, unofficial 'tradition' between students. Every year (and for the whole year), the freshmen are expected (or demanded, to be more precise) to follow these stupid rules by their insecure, nonsensical seniors - all in the name of gaining 'respect': 1.No branded bags or shoes for freshmen: I don't understand what is so threatening about a new kid showing up at school in a pair of Adidas or carrying an expensive-looking school-bag. I mean, I can't even believe that many kids nowadays pursue higher education and act like grade-A jerks. Don't they have anything better and more important to do, like studying for finals or preparing for college? 2.Address all seniors as 'Kakak' (Big Brother or Big Sister): That is okay if they really deserve it. If the freshmen don't (or refuse to do so), they will be considered disrespectful. Why the feudalistic crap? That's not real respect! Get over it, will you? It's not like you're going to stay in that school forever. You're only a year apart anyway, so what's the big deal? You're not even blood-related. (FYI, I even address my older sister with just her name.) 3.Know your turf: There are three stairs in the building, but the freshmen can only use one. The seating arrangement in the school cafeteria will remind you of those in the maximum security prisons. (I watch documentaries.) The freshmen get the smallest spot at the very corner, while the seniors can eat up the rest of the space. That's not even enough. If you're a freshman student, don't even think about hanging there for lunch. Their eyes will simply bore into you. If you dare stare back, it's their excuse to pick a fight with you. If you're unlucky, they don't feel the need to have an excuse at all to do so. It's all about power and control for such narcissistic souls. Don't ask me what can happen if you 'violate their territory'. You're lucky if they only bash you verbally. It could be worse. 4.Freshmen students aren't allowed to go to the malls in town all by themselves, unless they're with their parents/other family members: If a senior from the same school catches them breaking this rule, they'll be the most favourite 'targets' of the year. Personally, I think this is just beyond idiotic. I mean, who the hell do they think they are? They don't own the malls. They don't even own the schools. Why is this 'teenage mafia' such a trend here? What will become of these kids - especially if the so-called tradition keeps being passed down to the next class? Corporate thugs? Weakling cowards? Backstabbers? Don't ask me. As a former victim and now a teacher, I am more than concerned. I am enraged. The Author

"WHY WE SHOULDNEVER FEAR BULLIES"
Whether you are at school, college, university, work, or other public places - there will always be bullies. Yes, that is bad news for all pacifists who long for harmony. Let's just face it: we can never really get rid of them all, one way or another. In fact, they get smarter and slicker by the day. It seems that they can get away with anything and no higher authorities notice the nasty things they do. Many magazines have published countless articles on how to deal with bullying already. Avoid them if you can. Ignore them if it is still mild. Fight back and defend yourself if it gets too far. Seek help and support if they threaten your life. There are facts about bullies that we must always keep in mind. After that, it is your call to take which step you might find efficient for the sake of your life. 1.Bullies are small-minded beings who think they are big. They are the weakling cowards who believe they are strong, brave, and powerful. (In other words: they are delusional!) 2.Strength in numbers, frail in solitude. When they are alone, they target smaller, physically or mentally weaker people. As a pack, their true solidarity in friendship only works when it gives them mutual and equal benefits and mostly involves violence...on their targets. 3.Bullies have got nothing better to do than picking on people. They seriously need to get lives. Why? Their reasons are mostly irrational. They bully because they can. They do it because they want to. Yes, you are free to call them ridiculous. So what if you are overweight? Why should they be envious if you are smart? It is not your problem if they hate your skin colour. 4.Bullies are actually very, very insecure underneath. They have got bigger issues and displaced their anger in an unhealthy manner. Problems at home? Personal inadequacies? You name it. Otherwise, they will not put others down just to make themselves feel and look better. Come to think of it, what a shame. How pathetic. 5.Bullies crave for respect, but only gain fear and hatred in the end. If they believe that they are already all-that and everything, then why insist on acknowledgement from other people that way? That is just stupid. 6.They only call you a snitch for reporting them to the higher authorities because they are afraid of getting convicted. (Besides, you have got the civil rights to feel safe wherever you are. Why won't they leave you alone?) 7.When the tables turn (and believe that they will), bullies will surely get a bitter taste of their own medicine. If they sense the strong wake-up call and regret their past bullying manners, that is a good thing. If they do not, well...perhaps they still deserve some more of that.*big evil grin* 8.Bullies are the living examples of the type of person you should never be. You are and ought to be a much better person than they are. Next time a bully or two comes to bug you, you know what to do. As long as you remember how small and pathetic they truly are, you have got nothing to fear. The Author

"BROKE TOO SOON..."
Again, I'm broke too soon.:( I know that I shouldn't be, but it's been tough. It's holiday season and there aren't many classes this term. There aren't many translation orders either. I haven't even got any of my recent writings published yet. The funny thing is, I'm not a big spender. So what do I do now? I am also still waiting for their official request to have me moved to the other school. Just to be safe, I am waiting for that to happen on the business review. Well, let's hope for my miracle.:P The Author

"FLY HIM TO THE MOON...AND LEAVE HIM THERE!:P"
"Jules, check this out." I was showing my friends Jules a chick-lit from one of the stands at the book fair last Sunday afternoon. The title was "Fly Him To The Moon" (but please forgive me, I forgot the author's name!*blushes*) It's a typical romance comedy about two best friends - a dazzling girl and a plain tomboy - with the guys around them. (Sounds familiar.:|) After a while, the tomboy soon gets sick and tired to see all the guys notice her dazzling beautiful best friend instead of her. (Okay, too DAMN familiar.:|) "What's that?" "'Fly Him To The Moon'," I read the title out loud, although she could read it herself. Then, with my big evil grin, I added, "...and leave him there!" We giggled like crazy. "If he's a jerk, then he probably deserves it!" Jules went on and we cracked up laughing again. "Nobody's going to miss him that much here!" Alright, not many people can get my dark, sarcastic sense of humour. But that was actually one of the signs why I'm romantically-challenged. It's like, when I watch this corny, romantic scene where the actor comes up with such a lame line: "I can't live without you!", I usually gag.:P *sneers* Ha, ha. Don't blame the girl if she ends up saying: "Nonsense, you're still alive and breathing!":P Anyway, I didn't buy that book. I'm still not mentally prepared to read stuff like that. Still, I bought some other books that day.;) So did the ladies. 'The ladies' were Jules, Mz.D, and my old pal Nezzie. We had lunch at Gandaria City (the mall) and hung around there until night. It's mid-year and everyone here shops like crazy to celebrate the annual discount party. Books, clothes, bags, shoes...you name it.:P Unfortunately, I've got a tight budget this month.:( I know it's holiday season too, but maybe it's just not my moment. While my friends were busy shopping, I tagged along - trying out some and commenting on their choices. Typical ladies' day-out. Actually, I'm not much of an enthusiastic shopper when it comes to clothes. The same, old issue: the size. It's the plus-size me, if you know what I mean. Only a few stores cater to the needs of people like me here.:| If I couldn't help myself, there would be these ridiculous wishful thoughts again. Like, I wish I had Mz.D's slightly towering frame. (But she told me her broad shoulders often give her problems when it comes to finding the right blazer.) Or Nezzie's petite figure and almond-shaped eyes. (And she also has problems finding clothes her size.) Or Jules' light complexion. (But she often says she can't stand the heat of the sun too long.) But no, I'm a much different person now. I have to be.:) Unless it's work or other formal occasions, I rarely brush my long, rebellious curly dark hair. The previous paragraph? Just a short description of my friends.;) We stayed there until dinner. On our way to the parking lot, I suddenly exclaimed: "It's good to be single!" "Really?" asked Nezzie as she slung an arm around my shoulder. I caught Jules smiling at me. "Hell, yeah!" I called out, realizing that I'd meant it (and still do). Nezzie grinned at me and agreed, "Yes, it is." Indeed.:P Besides, I am also damn good at it. The Author

THE VOICE OF A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED AUTHOR:
"You may wonder, you may disagree. However, this is me. This is my side of story. I am a romantically-challenged author. Why? I have been a regular love-cynic for as long as I can remember. With each heartbreak comes a growing skepticism which I am afraid I can no longer ignore. You may judge me as slightly crazy and somewhat pathetic, but I don't care.:P Why don't you try these shoes on, at least for a day? Let's see if you still feel the same after that.*sneers* I dare you. Don't worry, I am not always this gloomy. I still have my hobbies, my job, my friends, my family, and...well, this city. I am not a damsel in distress. I just question a lot. Thankfully, I still have my rather dark sense of humour.*big evil grin* That is just how I survive. Come to think of it, I don't mind being alone. In fact, I have been so used to it. I'm just wondering, whether love is ever really for everybody and worth the pain..." The Author

AT THE INTERSECTION...
I really can't wait for the business review next month. I've finally made up my mind. It's time to move, and I've gathered all the information that I need to consider and weigh my options carefully. First of all, the money. (I'm not a hypocrite.:P) I've calculated the possible daily expenses if I move there more permanently. They give 20% higher salary and I only need two bus rides from home to work. (That means cheaper transport fee.) Second, the new focus and perspectives. I know that in that school, I won't be given advanced English classes anymore, because they belong to native-speaking teachers. (Well, unless if they come up with a new policy or some sort.) Well, I can put up with that. I can also focus more on my other two side-jobs: freelance translating and writing.:D After all, my real goals are to gain more experiences and insights for stories. I mean, we'll never know if we don't try. I have to be brave about this, right? I guess this is it. If the offer has already come twice, that means they're serious, right? Still, this feels tough. This means leaving my second family. I've only told Mr.T and Mz.D about this. So far, they've been quite understanding. Still, Mr.T suggested that I wait for their real, official request - or a notice from The Central Office. How bad do they want me? I don't want to be easy. That's why I can't wait for the business review. They usually ask the questions during that moment. I have to be careful with this. I don't want to burn bridges. I don't know about Marty, though. He's The Principal now. I know we're still short on teachers, but I'm sorry. I can't wait forever. I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but I hope he'll understand and let me go when the time comes. Well, we'll just wait and see when it really does. Of course, there'll be a serious talk. I hope things will come out good in the end. Good and right, that is. For now, I'll just start preparing what must be prepared. First things first. I'll come back again soon.;) You know that. Until then, take care. love, The Author/SBF/QB

DIZZY AND DELIGHTS
It went well. I enjoyed it as usual.:) This time, the challenge was even more interesting: I had to play multiple characters.:D Thank God I joined the high school acting club and can change my accents when necessary.:D These days, the heat has been unbearable that I ended up with the annoying migraine for three days.:( Thankfully, I felt much better on Friday because I had to attend another joint branch workshop. I got the latest issue of "The Showcase" - my school bulletin for teachers - with my article in it. YAY!:D I guess it's about time that I did that more often. Mr.Rich from Panglima Polim suggested that I try moving there more permanently. Tempting? Yeah. I mean, I like my job and the people I work with right now. No complaints. But I don't want to get my career stuck. I don't plan on staying in the same place forever, eventhough the people are already like my second family. I mean, where's the adventure? *deep sigh* Oh, God. This is tough. I must be extra careful with my decisions. I've been in the same place for over three years. Is this the right time to move? What am I going to do? A little hint, please. I know that what I really need is a boredom killer, or new challenges. I guess that's the only reason I can think of for now. It's nothing personal. When they ask me about that again during business review next month, I'll just say yes. No more hesitation. Just dive in. The Author/SBF/QB

RE-SCHEDULED!
t turned out that the dubbing was being re-scheduled...at the VERY last minute. My brother was driving me there when I got the call. Such a late notice, as usual. Oh, well.:| That means I'll have to come again tomorrow morning.:| Same time, same place. Let's just hope that there'll be no more cancellation for that. Money's been super tight lately, and I hate the thought of giving my poor brother another useless time. (Well, although he actually doesn't mind driving me around.) He's Mr.Nice Guy after all. I'm also not the nagging type of sister.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 48
"THE BLUSHING BRIDE" Isn't she lovely? That blushing bride on her day is smiling with joy. (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:00 pm) "GRACE KELLY" If I were that girl, I would bring men to their knees then leave them behind. (*big evil grin*) (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:15 pm) "ANOTHER WOMAN'S MAN" Stop gazing at me. You make her feel insecure. You're hers, after all. (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:20 pm)

JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND...
It's just another weekend. I know I sound like I've wasted time, but I really didn't do much. Just watching TV most of the time. ("NCIS", "Criminal Minds", "CSI:NY" - you name them.) I even watched "Rear Window" again. I think the original version is one of the most brilliant classics I've ever watched.:D Simple but gripping. I enjoy the plot and admire the leading lady characters (Lisa Fremont the posh beauty, the rich girlfriend of Jeff and Jeff's nurse Stella while Jeff's still got a broken leg.) And Grace Kelly played the posh, elegant beauty with the brain and courage very well. For such an old setting, it was an amazing thriller where the leading ladies didn't play the typical "damsels in distress" kind of crap. They were in on the real action too, after the three of them - with Jeff - witnessed the murder at the other building from the rear window. My brother and I escorted Mom to a wedding last night. Believe it or not, there's this social and behavioural pattern here: If you want to know whether your twenty-something plus son or daughter is still single - you usually see them at weddings, escorting (or sometimes shyly trailing behind) their parents. But then again, that's not always entirely true - mostly based on public's general assumption. Maybe they're just bored. Maybe they're in an LDR (long-distant relationship). Or perhaps they're having a fight with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Lots of probabilities.*shrugs* Anything can happen and we never know. My brother and I? Yes, we're both single. (He's currently dating around - nothing serious. Don't bother ask this romantically-challenged bachelorette, though.*big evil grin*) But, allow me to make it clear about last night: He drives the car much better than I do, and...yes, we were also looking for another free culinary adventure.*big evil grin* Hehe.:P Mom met some of her old friends from work. Some of them looked at me - I mean, my well-polished face (by make-up, of course!:P) - and squealed in amazement: "Ooh, dear. Look at you. You still have your babyish face!" (YAY!:D) Then Mom suddenly said, "Oh, but she's almost 30." (Thanks a lot, Ma.:|) Not much to do after that but eat, eat, and eat some more until it was enough for me. (Don't worry, I wasn't eating like a hog.:P) The music was fine, the band was playing a lot of soft, jazzy tracks. Typical for a grand wedding in town. Tomorrow? I'll be a dubber at work.:) A bit of acting without having to worry about what you really look like. The Author/SBF/QB

BROKE...
I can't believe this is happening again. I've been careful enough with my spending (a little too careful, perhaps), yet I'm still...broke.:| It's not fair.:( Some people out there splurge like crazy, yet they still have a lot in the end. I'm sorry to say, but it's just unfair sometimes. (Well, it's not like I really want to splurge anyway.:P) There, I've said it. Well, at least I've got another project due next week. They need my voice for their new programs, so I'm going to be a dubber again. YAY!:D Of course they'll pay me too like they have before. It won't be too grand, I know, but at least I've got the experience. Plus, I can do a little acting for a while. I miss doing that, btw.:) Besides, it feels good to "get out of the real me" for a while. Call it a "temporary escape" or "a short break from reality". I get to be somebody else for a moment and it's not that wrong here. I'm also catching up with two writing contests. These days, my main job isn't as reliable as it normally is. I need more money. The Author/SBF/QB

REALITY FOR AN INSOMNIAC
I can't resist the urge to make an entry title almost similar to one of my very few favourite chickflicks - "Dreams For An Insomniac".*giggles*:P If you haven't watched it yet, it's a story about an aspiring actress named Frankie (played by Ione Sky) who hasn't been able to sleep at all since the death of her parents. When the guy of her dreams (played by McKenzie Austin) asks her why, Frankie tells him that she doesn't want to see her parents in her dreams - knowing that she won't find them anymore the moment she wakes up. It sounds sad, I know.:| But don't worry, the movie is actually quite funny (set in the 90's where people didn't seem too crazy or life wasn't that chaotic back then:P). Jennifer Anniston played there as Frankie's best friend - long before she became famous in "Friends". And no, that's not me at all.:P I'm just saying that I've been unable to sleep lately.:( Is it the night classes? The late-night TV shows again? Perhaps I must seriously reduce my caffeine-intake, which is really hard.:P "Do you know the place between asleep and awake...where you remember all your dreams...?" Can it still be called 'daydreaming', if it happens at night? I mean, I swear to you - sometimes I can still dream with my eyes open. I'm tired but I can't sleep - and when I try lying in bed at night, my eyes stay open but I don't see the ceiling. "That's when I'll always love you..." Okay, I must switch that off and change it to another song in my head. In case you're wondering, that was Ten Sharp with "Feel My Love".:P The odd thing is, about three years ago I produced a writing based on that. It was called "When Solitude Speaks". It's somewhere on my very old entries, but I'm too lazy to dig that out. All I remember is I ended up calling it a rant, instead of a poem or a story. Human emotions are very complex. These days, I'm still too tired to deal with even my own - so I stick to what's more logical. I've gotten a rare chance to hang out with my brother again this week. (Rare? You might be wondering, since he and I still live in the same house.:P) You know, when we were teenagers, sometimes we'd just drive around the town and play some rock on the stereo. We could sing or scream, or joke about stuff that gave us PAIN.*sneers* Oh, yeah. He sometimes understand my very dark (and sometimes intolerable) sense of humour too.:P Those were the days when love didn't bother me so much. It was something I could simly dismiss and a distraction I would often fight against. Easy. Maybe I should start doing that now. I mean, what's the bloody point when - in the end - love only breaks your heart and leaves you alone? Hell, I've been alone most of the time. Why make it worse with unnecessary heartache? I actually don't mind being alone. Seriously. I am generally happy being single. I've got lots of fun things to do. I still function normally. I just hate it when people - especially close relatives - keep reminding me of what I haven't got. They act as if that's the ONLY thing in the world that can make a girl happy. What? They're still living in fairy tales or what?? You don't always have to agree with me. I could be wrong, remember? Love is a beautiful thing that sometimes has an ugly effect or more on some people. Still, being alone is a lot easier when you've never fallen in love. At all.:| The Insomniac

ONE OF THESE DAYS
So, my first week went well at work.:) And my cousin gave me another translating assignment, which I've already finished. Since my regular night classes in the weekdays, I don't think I have the time for my workout. I can't. I'm too exhausted. It's hard to sleep right away the moment I get home. It's even harder to wake up early in the morning. I get dizzy. So I can only work out on weekends. I'm going to have a karaoke time with Gigi and friends this Saturday.:) Java Rockingland is coming sooner too this year. July 22-24 I've heard.:O Gigi wants to go because they say The Cranberries are going to perform. She likes them so much. (Me? I'm generally up for the good times any rock concert can possibly offer!:D) Gigi said we must hurry for the pre-sale tickets. The further announcement will come this mid-month. We're still unsure which day The Cranberries will perform. (I hope it's either Saturday or Sunday,NOT Friday!) Then, there's also Paramore's concert on August 19. These days, the pre-sale system is definitely haunting! One of these days, I wish for more money...:P The Author/SBF/QB

HOW TO STAY SANE AND HEALTHY (IN A WORLD GONE CRAZY :P)
Not much to say about the rest of the week/short break. (Uh, what break? My night class still runs.:P) As I've mentioned earlier, Mz.D, Jules, and I visited Bear at the hospital on Monday morning. The big fellow (and I mean literally BIG!) had suffered a major back-pain a few days earlier. It had something to do do with the wrong weight-lifting and some lousy trainer's tip.:| When he couldn't get up at all from bed without wincing in agony, his family had to call an ambulance home. It took eight men to lift him up into the van. (The stretcher is too small for him.) Eight...and they also had to use his bedspread.:O I know. You might be wondering about his weight. That heavy? Yes. It was the same thing that had happened to a Biggest Loser Asia contestant on the first season. (I watched, so that's how I know.:P) Bear mentioned it to me once, but I forget the exact number. I only remember that it's three digits. For an Asian guy with average height, that's obviously way too heavy. The verdict: he needs rest...and a diet. (Something I know for sure that we both can't stand.*big evil grin*) No more sweets, junk food, soda, and lots of veggies and fruits are required. (Unfortunately, he hates vegetables!) Even Mz.D half-joked about watching out what Bear might eat when he returns to work.:P *giggles* Okay, I'm not making fun of him. In fact, I'm genuinely concerned. Not to mention that he's also a heavy smoker and never works out that much. That's why I don't want to end up like him. That's why I frequent the gym as often as possible and eat more sensibly. I mean, thank God that I never reach those scary three digits - but I'm no supermodel either. Somehow, I got myself dragged over to different malls in town by both Mz.D and Jules the whole week. Store after retail store, they convinced me to try on some clothes - something I'd rarely done back in my teenage years. Not as torturing as I'd dreaded earlier.:P Come to think of it, I do need some new stuff for my wardrobe. Smart, business suits.:) I've already got enough street-wear in my closet. "You need to stop wearing black too often," Mz.D often says. "And tomboyish outfits too." Oh, dear.:P I'm okay with compromises actually, but how far? It depends, but I still call the shots in the end. "Red is a great colour for you." Thank you...Red.:) By the way, I miss you...as strange as this sounds. Well, it's the same thing with some friends in senior high. Before the prom, they'd specifically warned - or you could say, threatened - me with this: "Show up pretty. Dress your best, or we'll have you banned from entering the ball." Well, thank God I obeyed.:D They crowned me that night. As usual, new term starts again next week. This time, I've got a new night class that finishes at 8:30 - from Monday to Friday. Busier? Yes. Tiring? Of course. Am I happy? Well, I've been asking for more important activities, right? That need to be busier. Mz.D's lending me her favourite Tom Clancy's "The Hunt for Red October". I've already watched the movie, so now it's time to compare it with the book. As I often tell myself these days, anything besides cheesy romance - I'll take it.*sneers* The Author/SBF/QB

A SHORT ESCAPE
I'll make this sort, because I must wake up early tomorrow: I went to Bandung, West Java with Mom last weekend. I spent some time with the aunts (her sisters), drove around the town, ate at the local restaurants there. I surely enjoyed the less-polluted air and wasn't sweating at all.:) Amazing. Poor Bear is hospitalized with a major backpain.:( Mz.D, Jules, and I visited him on Monday. Not much entertainment to enjoy this week, but somehow - I don't care. I like keeping myself busy.:P Until then (when I have the time), The Author/SBF/QB

OFFICIALLY NUMB...AGAIN?
Last night, I finally printed out my thirty poems in English and handed them to Mom. I don't know how she might react to them, although she's read a piece or two. If she really is serious about helping me to get them published for real, then we shall see.:) Meanwhile, I'm on to more term break projects.:) Anything to keep myself busy, that is. Still, I couldn't help but re-reading every poem I'd written since 2009. I felt like opening the same, old Pandora's box - tracing back, down the (jagged) memory lane. Don't worry, I didn't cry or anything like that. I just went dead quiet, feeling nothing more but cold. Have I somehow gone officially numb...again? I decided to push that aside. Whatever. Heartbreak sucks and love has been more like chaos in my life so far. Why would I want to risk myself for that again? I mean, why the hell should I? I've been fine on my own before. There's no reason why I can't be fine now. Recently, I've read woman's letter from a local magazine. Here's the translation: "This year, I am turning 30 and still single. All this time, my main focus has been on career only. It started when my little sister came up with her plan to get married in the near future. My parents are literally 'freaking out', because I haven't come up with the same plan as well. At last, I was introduced to a guy whom is still a distant relative. But, after a few dates, I've learned about his short-comings. He often 'openly' stares at other women while I am around. He also often compares me to other women whom he finds more attractive. I badly want to back off of this unpleasant relationship, but my family told me not to. My heart keeps saying that he is no good for me. How do I get my family to listen to me and understand my choice? Thanks." And here is the columnist's response: "Learn to say no to an unacceptable situation like this. I am sure that honesty is still the best policy. It is hard, especially knowing that your family has put such high expectations on you and this relationship with him. However, in order not to cause your family a great deal of disappointment with this rejection, you need a strategy. Give yourself a chance to go along a bit more. No need to be too blatant about this. Take it easy as you observe his entire attitude and the whole situation. That way, you will gather all the positive and negative aspects about him. Once you feel that your data is close to accuracy, then you may express your disagreement to your family. Speaking based on facts will earn you a credit. Don't rush into a final decision yet, because it may backfire you and you'll take the blame. I am sure this will be a valuable experience for you. Convince your family that it is okay for you if your little sister is getting married first." Sounds strange to you? Well, that's common here. It's all about the 'status'. Some people even told me that: "It doesn't matter if you don't really love the guy, as long as he loves you." (Which unfortunately will make the girl sound like an ungrateful bitch to them if she rejects him, because...ooh, she'll break the poor guy's heart. However, it is okay for a guy to reject a nice girl, because...hey, he is entitled to do that, remember? Right?? Right???) Or, they could tell me something like this: "It's okay if you don't really love the guy, as long as you're married." (Sure, I mean - who really gives a damn about what women want, or how they feel?) *deep sigh* I'm sorry.:( I'm just sick of it. Do I dread the same possibility? No need to ask that. And I can understand if you don't get the picture. Only those in the same shoes really do.:( I only want to deal with love again if it is really, really worth it (and don't forget, if MY HEART is really, really in it.) Otherwise, forget it.:| And I hope that lady makes the right decision - for her sake.:| After all, love can't be compelled. That's still my motto. The Romantically-Challenged Author

UNSPOKEN...
I'm not sure where to start, but I'll begin anyway. It's report card week. Everybody's busy. So am I. Still, I manage to read something else everyday. (I'm finishing Beverly Barton's "Killing Her Softly".) I even bought a colleague's first novel called "Forgiven". It'll have to wait. Mom's read some of my most recent poems - in English and also in native language - and thought they were very good. (No, I'm sure she wasn't saying all that just because I'm her daughter.:P Mom compliments her kids when they really do deserve it.) She wants me to gather them all, so that she could ask her poet friend Aunt Dani to help me with the publishing. Aunt Dani has had her first anthology published some years ago. (And yes, Mom and I attended the launching.:D) "You're a realist," Mom told me. "Even if the topic is really, really sad - you try not to make it too sappy." Maybe it's because you've finally seen this side of me, Ma.:) Most of my friends around who read my works just don't get it. They think I'm not being positive about life, when all I write is about reality. The reality I see, that is. Well, we can't expect the whole world to always understand us, that is.*shrugs* "You've always been like that since you were a child," she went on quietly, almost nostalgic. "You can never really lie, because you're always the most expressive - even when you're quiet, thinking that nobody notices you and how you feel that much." Oh, God...:( "You used to draw a lot, although you still express your feelings through writing." I'm so sorry, Mommy...:'-( "Is that normal, Ma?" She looked at me as if I'd just asked her if cats should've been born with wings. "Not only normal, that's also healthy," she assured me. "A lot of other people choose to get angry and hurt other people...or themselves. They do unhealthy stuff." But I hurt my best friend with that too, Mommy, I'd wanted to tell her that. Was that still healthy?:( I didn't mean to, but I had. Although we're pretty much okay now, that still haunts me sometimes. "Heartbreak sucks, Ma," I simply told her. "I hate it." And I never want to have to deal with it anymore.:( Enough is enough. No more, God. No more, please. "But you've dealt with it well." Really? Was she glad that I've never been the type like my sister, who has always come to her crying for days and skipping work? Some people can say that's because I'm tougher that her, but repressed emotions also have side-effects. It can be dangerous too. And I don't feel like changing that habit now. I don't know why. Maybe I'm no longer a ten-year-old who can cry to her mother about some naughty boy in school who makes fun of her. Or an antsy teen who wonders why that guy chooses that popular, pretty but mean girl instead of her. I've never been any of that. I've been too...different. And I'm almost 30 now, for God's sake. I just can't do that. "Do you know why I wrote those, Ma?" "I think I do. I always have, although you've never told me." "Heartbreak sucks," I repeated, before quietly adding, and I can't cry openly about it as much as I should. "Heartbreak sucks and I'm sick of it. I want my writings to represent the broken hearts." And I don't care if people find that...sappy. People deal with things differently. This is what I do. This is my way. The Author/SBF/QB

OVERFLOWED...
If thoughts, feelings, and ideas were like blood, I'd probably be hemorrhaging now.:P Sorry. Bad analogy. I can't say much about me today. I'm distracted by a lot of things lately that I need a good workout to keep me focused and help me to relax. Report cards are due next week, and so is the poetry contest. (And I still haven't come up with anything yet.:|) A lot of other things have been bugging my mind too, but I can't talk about it now. Maybe later, when the first things first priorities are done. Or maybe, those annoying things will go away again, like a temporary storm... The Author/SBF/QB

THE REAL ME???:P
Recently, I've done a psych evaluation quiz from SPICE!'s last month issue.:P I know I shouldn't take it seriously (which I don't). This is just for fun. According to a psychologist named Judi James, there are about twenty versions/characters in a woman! (Oh, wow.:O) The different characters apply to each role of a woman as a friend, a daughter, a student, a girlfriend, a sister, and many more. After having filled the questionnaire, here's my result: Between 7-10 characters: You can manage all your personalities and aren't hesitate to let them out one by one - one at a time. Each comes out by your decision. You're not that impulsive. You're not the kind of girl who can easily adopt a new character to enrich the real you. One thing is for sure: you can be so serious and also fun at the same time. How to manage 'them': You're typically a confident enough girl and are able to 'devour' anything that comes into your life. Despite having fewer 'characters', there are times when you still feel like 'the real you' haven't been in a total control of yourself. You tend to get yourself in trouble but are still able to control your feelings. The stressors: A girl of logics like you are can't easily be influenced into believing in things that don't make sense. That's why you have a hard time trusting other people and prefer searching for answers by doing your favourite things (like watching TV, reading, observing other people's lives, etc.) Not all sensible answers require a solid data. Learn how to be braver in taking risks. Remember this! Learn how to create goals and also how to accomplish them. *big evil grin* Well, perhaps some of them are true. (Especially the part about how I don't change easily and my silly tendency to get myself in 'unnecessary trouble.'*sneers*) Dad would laugh if he heard someone portray me as "a girl of logics". (If only he could.:|) And yes, I'm afraid I still have serious trust issues with other people and a tendency to observe other people's lives...to much sometimes. About creating goals? I do that everyday, especially career-wise.:D I can't say it's good or bad news. It's just...human, I guess.*shrugs* Because if my result were (only) between 2-6 characters, I'd be a hard-headed bull with zero compromise. But if the result were 11-20 characters, I'd be a people's pleaser.:O Yikes! The Author/SBF/QB

GUESS THE TOPIC
�GUESS THE TOPIC� (By. RUBY ASTARI) Running out of ideas for your TE (Talking English) class can be annoying. If the topic you present does not hold their interests (whether it is too difficult or less challenging), you might want to try this simple game: 1. Create a set of cards with different topics written on each. You may set up a specific theme (like �Valentine�s Day� or �Halloween�, for example) or go totally random (where each topic is not really related to one another.) Either way, unpredictability is the most exciting element of this game. 2. This game can be played in groups or individually. Each student still needs to create a story from the card and speak in front of the class for five to seven minutes after that. 3. Let the students pick one card each. Tell them not to read the card out loud or show it to their friends � or it will spoil the surprise and ruin the fun. 4. Give the students about ten minutes to prepare for their short stories. (It can be fact, related to their personal experiences, or plain fiction.) Tell them not to use any key words on the cards that might blow their covers. (For example, if their card says: �My Worst Enemy in School�, they must try not to use the specific key words in the card.) They have to sit quite apart from each other and work quietly. Supply a dictionary or two for extra help. 5. If the students want to ask questions, ask one by one to come forward to your desk. They have to take turns. To avoid spilling the beans, they can either whisper in your ear or write the questions on a piece of paper to show to you. You can answer them by writing back on a piece of paper. 6. If necessary, give students five minutes to memorize their stories before presenting. 7. When they tell their stories, they can use simple words � present or past tenses � according to the relevant time frame and context. (Usually, it is easier for students to create stories based on their personal experiences.) For example, if the topic in the card is �My Worst Enemy in School�, the story can probably go like this: �I hate this boy very much. I can�t stand him. He always disturbs everybody, even when the teacher is around. All teachers can�t stand him too. They always send him to the principal�s office, but this boy never changes. He loves making fun of me too, even when I get angry at him�� 8. After that, let the audience guess what the topic might be about. Some may say: �Bad Boy!� or �My Enemy!� The one with at least the closest guess to the original topic is the winner. This game is time consuming, but it can help the students practise their speaking and develop their conversational skills.

I finally took my family (well, most of them) to try the green noodles at the same place - "Munchies" - last Friday before work. Mom, my brother, my sister, and her two little boys (Ganesh and his baby brother Gyan.:D) I felt a bit sad and guilty about not taking Dad too, but he was still asleep that day. (I find that as a stroke patient, he sleeps a lot during the day. That's normal, isn't that?) Actually, only Mom and I ordered the green noodles. ("Delicious," she told me afterwards.) My siblings ordered fries, but they tasted the green noodles from Mom and agreed that it was delicious. Not much to tell at work. My five o'clock class was empty, so I spent my extra leisure time finishing other stuff I had to finish. Grading other students' works. After class, Mz.D and I went to Bintaro Plaza. We had dinner at Kari Umbi before going our separate ways. It turns out that my damn flu has turned into a sore throat. How bloody annoying.:( Looks like my fight against the illness isn't over yet. Great.*rolls eyes* I celebrated May Day by starting my first workout...after a very long time.:) Not bad. The Author/SBF/QB

WAITING FOR THE NEXT PAY-DAY :P
Ha-ha, am I too obvious or what?*big evil grin* Ah, never mind.:P It's already close anyway. Well, a couple of things or so occured last long weekend. I met my cousin Panji at the engagement party last Saturday night. He's a university student and also a bass player of a local indie R&B band on the rise. Menti (his mother, my aunt of course) told me that they were finishing their very first major label studio album.:D Alright! Panji offered that if I had any poem suitable for a song lyric, I could give them that. If it's good enough, then the royalty can be arranged.:) I mean, why not? "It's even better if it's in English," he added with a grin, showing his braces. "Even if it's about love and heartbreak, we don't want to get out music trapped in sappy cliches." Sounds like a challenge.*sneers* I also met my sister's old friend Kenny. He used to be this gorgeous high school kid having a crush on my sister (who was a junior at that time.) He's now an enterpreneur.:) Well, sort of. A typical yuppy, and also the type that most girls might go after.:P Well, I'm not most girls. I mean, I like Kenny too, but that's just as far as it goes. I've always imagined him more as a big brother. I know that my sister also used to have a crush on him too, but...there are 'religious obstacles'. (To my family, it is important.) So they decided to be just friends. I told Kenny about one of my crazy plans. You see, I've been thinking about compiling a collection of writings (articles, tips, true stories, quotes) about...the dark side of love. I've even already come up with a title: "ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED" (a huge dedication to the broken hearts, love-cynics, and acute skeptics in the world of romance out there) Hehe.*big evil grin* To my surprise, Kenny thought it was a good idea. In fact, he even concluded that it was a unique one.:D "Too many authors have already written about love and its typical happy-endings," he said. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just...we need something else to even that out." "Yeah." I nodded. "Not many people want to admit that they're on that stage. People just have no idea how hard it is that some keep going through the same shit overtime." "These days, people who go through that need more support - something they can relate to. Someone who can understand their situation." Bingo! "Ken, do you know what I usually do when my heart gets broken?" "What's that, kiddo?" "I keep myself as busy as possible," I told him. I gazed up at the tall guy. "I teach more classes, do more translation works, and write more often. Basically, I try to earn more money." Unfortunately, some people call that 'running away from reality'.:| Seriously, they have no idea that I get sick of the same old pain. A lot. "Really?" Kenny looked genuinely amazed. "Wow, you're so much better than me, kid. I get myself drunk. I think you're on the right track already." Really? Am I??:D Well, I guess that's why I still write the way I write. Some friends think that my style is boring. They say I write depressive stuff too much, too often. Most of them imply that I'm more often sad than happy.*sneers* I could say that most of my writings represent these kind of people. The heart-broken ones. Those who have lost (and have to lose, one way or another) the ones they love. Those who have to see the ones they love choose someone else - over and over again. Those who have always lost their battles in the world of romance. The overlooked. The under-appreciated. The jilted ones. The (labeled) weirdos/freaks. Not every soul is always strong enough to deal with this whole shit, and - the same old crappy news is - society's not always that understanding. Who's going to stand up for them? Who's going to speak on their behalf - telling the whole world that these people aren't losers - they're the warriors who can stand most of the emotional battle scars love has inflicted upon them? I bet they've never asked for any of this. Neither have I. "If you're more productive when you're heartbroken, then you need to experience that more often," Kenny joked. "Make more money out of it." I giggled. "Maybe, but it has side-effects too," I reminded him. "My heavy skepticism. If a guy starts saying sweet things to me, I wonder if it's for real or just my silly imagination." Those guys are really going to have to try their best to convince me. Sorry, I don't settle for less in this case. My standard's still the same.*big evil grin* I checked the gym I used to frequent a lot. I think I need to go back there again and start a more regular workout next month. I've gotten sick all too easily these days. (Now it's the damn flu again.:|) May's coming soon and it's still raining. Strange weather. That's a bad sign. I haven't been taking care of myself that well lately. I must change that. I was just at the bank to have my new ATM card printed. My old one got swallowed last night.:( Grrh! Must go to work despite the flu...:( The Author/SBF/QB

THE NOT-SO-PRODUCTIVE LONG WEEKEND
It's almost May and I still haven't come up with a decent idea for the poetry contest.:( The deadline is May 20 and the topic is still "Mythology In The Present Context". I'm really after that trip to Bali to attend the international writers' festival. I need a break. I need an interesting diversion, because I'm chronically bored.:P There's also another annual teen short story competition I'm planning to enter this soon. I've never won any of that before, but I don't care. I'm going to keep on trying until I get more of my works published. That's me. Take it or leave it.*big evil grin* Well, it's kind of hard to finish them all this long weekend. I was exhausted on Friday that I slept most of the day. (So lazy that I could've stolen my friend Bear's 'Sloth-Award'.*giggles*) On Saturday night, I attended my cousin Shari's engagement party. And I've just gathered with my whole big family and friends to see Baby Gyan getting his first haircut. It's a religious and cultural thing. That's okay.:) I still have time. Btw, I'm afraid I'll have to ditch another freak/stalker potential off my life. Why? I can't believe that we've only exchanged e-mails twice - and he was already flirting with me, calling me 'pretty' and 'precious' and saying he couldn't stop thinking of me.*scoffs* Ugh. As if I were some gullible schoolgirl who still believes in the fairytale version of a 'prince charming'.*rolls eyes* Ha-ha. For the record, I never give my phone number to a guy who can't even remember my name. He thinks I'll just fall all head over heels with 'I miss you, baby' and all that crap. That doesn't sound like 'terms of endearment' to me. That sounds like he doesn't even bother remember my name. No way. Not this time. Bye bye.:P If you're curious, I've often blocked weirdos out of my life - two were Gigi's exes. One harrassed me online and the other knows where my family and I live - and I once feared for my family's safety, because he hated my guts and he's part of a very nasty gang in the city. Have I been blocked too? Yes. If it is by friends I know I have badly hurt in the past, I usually just ask them to forgive me and try my best to leave them in peace. (See? I know I'm not perfect, but I'm always willing to be responsible for my awful deeds.) I don't dare ask them to give me another chance. I just let them be. I can live with that (and have to.)*shrugs* But if I were never told why? Well, I've got one. Mz.D said she blocked her too. It was as if once she had resigned, she couldn't get away from people who once thought of her as a friend to them. That's life. Some things are just out of our hands.*shrugs* About Aldi-guy? (Or should I call him 'Big Aldi', since he's obviously much bigger and taller than my brother?:P) I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see. The unusual adventure of a quirky bachelorette continues...:D The Author/SBF/QB

AS THE WORLD TURNS...
First of all, have fun for all of you who are celebrating 'Good Friday'. I'm not, but I still thank God for the public holiday. I need the long weekend for more sleep.:P We attended two internal trainings this week - on Tuesday and Thursday morning at ten. That Tuesday morning, I caught a sight of him in the room. Believe it or not, he's a teacher too - only from a different branch school. Somehow, I automatically chose an empty seat right next to him - even though I'd arrived with my friends. Luckily, he didn't seem to mind. He was friendly too. He was the first to extend his right hand to me and introduced himself. I shook his big, strong hand and smiled at him. "Aldi." I raised my eyebrow at him as I told him my name. Then I grinned and said, "Like my brother's name." He chuckled and replied, "Yeah, that happens to anyone with a commonly-used name." He was also funny. We joked around about some stuff. It turned out that he'd studied law in the same university I'd enrolled in 2000. (I took broadcasting journalism.) He's five years younger than me. (Yikes, but wait - that's never been a problem to me.:P) He hates horror stories because his first (and only, he hoped) encounter with 'the other side' as a child still freaks him out.:P However, that didn't stop me from teasing him...quite a lot about it.*big evil grin* I know I'm mean. I don't know why I just loved the way he cringed and begged me to stop. "You seem to like horror stories a lot," he concluded. I grinned at him again. To my surprise, I didn't even care if I'd scared him off in the end. (Thankfully, that seemed unlikely.) I just wanted to be me. I just wanted to have fun. And he didn't seem to mind that much either, because he mostly laughed with me. "Yes, I do," I cheerfully admitted. "Better than romantic flicks." "I don't mind them." "I'm okay with them, in general sense." Well, sort of. I know I sounded like Bella Swan, but I just shrugged. "I just prefer horror films more." He laughed again, shaking his head in disbelief. "Besides, heartbreak is a lot scarier." Ha-ha, I enjoyed his expression. I bet guys like him don't get to hear that everyday, or meet a girl who implies that heartbreak is the scariest ghost for her. But then, I changed the subject when I looked down at our feet and blurted out, "You make me feel like a hobbit." He looked down at his feet too and laughed again. With a single stomp, his feet could crush mine. "I know. It's hard to find my size at the regular shoe-stores, so I often order them." "Just like my sister's ex," I remembered. "He's about two-metre tall too." "Actually, I've almost reached that height," he said. I looked at him and nodded in agreement. I don't know why. You can call me crazy, but I kind of liked this guy, right off. There was something slightly familiar about him. His big, towering exterior? His dark hair and thick, dark eyebrows? (Oooh!:D) Or, maybe it was the smile and his sense of humour. Or the way his beautiful brown eyes glinted behind his specs. When he first learned that I was five years older than him, he frowned a little and said, "Trust me, you don't look that old." "Oh, thank you." Yes, I blushed at that.*blushes*:P "I look older." "Must be the beard," I teased him the way I normally tease my brother when someone thinks he's older than me. "Nah, it is my face." He chuckled as he adjusted his specs above his nose. His nose was big and slightly pointed - quite distinguished. Perfect for his face.:) "Even my students think so." Awwwww.:) Do you know what? I'd suddenly wanted to tell him. You remind me of someone I know, and it's not my brother. :(... Stop it, I ordered myself silently. Don't even think of him that way again. You've sworn to yourself many times before, remember? Try not to break any of that this time! Still, this Aldi guy was quite an interesting fellow. Somehow, I doubted that someone this attractive was still single.*gulps* I hate to disappoint you, dear readers, but we didn't exchange numbers in the end.*big evil grin* Well, what can I say? I'm not good at this stuff, okay? All I knew was, the moment the session was over, I had landed back on reality and wanted to curse myself. "I'll see you when I see you," to my surprise, we both said that at the same time. I guess that surprised him too, because we laughed after that. "You are so reading my mind," I told him with a giggle. He just grinned and waved his hand. Finally, we parted ways. My friends and I had lunch at "Munchies" in Cikajang. It's Putu's family business. We tried their super delicious green noodles. (Yes, GREEN noodles!:D) And I'm thinking about taking Mom there to try that too. She definitely should. I had half-expected to see Aldi again on Thursday morning for a workshop at ten, but he wasn't there. Oh, well.*shrugs* My sister's birthday was on April 19, and Ganesh's was on 20. Yes, the boy is two years old now.:D Good news: my friends Viona and John are finally getting married.:D I'm glad that she's finally made the right decision. She's so lucky to have someone like John. I've told her quite a few times before that not all girls are that lucky. John sort of reminds me of Tiger, and I want both of them to be happy. Somebody wants to get to know me. I wonder why he's interested in me. It's completely out of the blue. What if he turns out to be just another additional crack in my heart in the end, or a freak, or a stalker? No problem. If people can block me out of their lives, I can do that too. In fact, I've done that before.*sneers* But still, I hope not. Even if we might only end up as just friends, at least I still do my best not to get myself hurt too much this time. I'm done with the same old episode. I'm sick to death of the same result. The Author/SBF/QB

"IF I DON'T TELL YOU NOW..."
"If I don't tell you now, I may never get the chance again..." A few days after 59th birthday, Mom told me about this: It was two years ago, a few months before her 57th birthday. Out of the blue, Dad suddenly wished her a happy birthday. That had felt strange to Mom, knowing that it was actually still October 10. "My birthday is on April 4," she reminded him. "Oh." He'd looked confused. "Not...October 10?" 10/4.4/10. Get it? By the time her actual birthday came, he didn't wish her. He couldn't. The stroke had hit him first in March. He hasn't been able to speak ever since. Somehow, Mom had a feeling that he might have had an early hunch that his time were up anytime soon. What would you do if you had that strong feeling too? That your time might be running up while you felt like you still had a lot to say to the people you love the most? What if you never got that chance again, alive or...else? I know it's a scary thought. We know we can't deny the fact that the clock is ticking. What are we doing here? What haven't we done yet? Some people may think that some things are better left unsaid. The whole world is already too noisy. Sometimes it's hard to just say what you badly mean to. It's not just about Dad wishing Mom a happy birthday before he lost his voice. Sometimes, you're just unsure about a lot of things. Like, you're bad with words - even when you're a writer. (My irony.) You either write better than talk or the other way around. You've already got all the good, proper lines formed in your head - yet they still come out wrong in the end. You end up hurting people when you know you didn't want to. Or no words ever come out. That happens too. Emotions do that to even the best speakers in the world, I believe. Still, you're lucky if you've never encountered with that problem. God blesses you with that.:) You're lucky if you're always confident in whatever you say, and that people take you seriously. Sometimes you're scared of their reaction, because - no matter how long you've known each other and how nice that person really is - you still never know. Even the nicest ones can lose patience and say, "No, I don't want to hear any of that." That shuts you up instantly. People can say being overly sensitive is never good, but when does 'too much' actually mean too much? When is the right time to be heard? Is it too much to ask, or some people will never be understood and left completely in silence? I've kept quiet too long, too often. Yet I have also talked too much, but still feel like I haven't said enough. Have I ever done anything right? I don't know. It's like, the older you get, the more clueless you become. You don't always find the answer, no matter how hard you try. There are many things I want to let them know. Like, I'm sorry if I've always let you down. I'm sorry that I've forgotten how to make you smile more often, or even lost the ability to it. I never meant to hurt you, I was just angry and lost my way. I may have gotten angry and disappointed in the past and never let you know. People can either forgive me and give second chances in a trust - or treat me as if I'm already dead to them for the rest of their lives. People can either love me or hate me. It's out of my hands. But once they do mean a lot to me, most of them always will. That's just how it is. What about love? I normally don't tell people I love them, unless when they feel down or it's my annoying fear that I might lose them anytime soon. But, after what has happened, I think it's best that I kept quiet from now on - no matter how painful it might be. Why? To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I don't know if I ever want to risk my heart again. I don't want to be thought of as 'weird', just because I'm being me. I know I sound like a sad quitter, but I don't think I can deal with any of that now. You can call me a coward and I don't care. I'm afraid that if I tell someone that I love him, all he ever says is: "I know" and then he leaves. That's it. No, I don't think so. Maybe love's not always for everybody. That's just life, isn't that? So far, I am still alone and okay with it. So what? The Author/SBF/QB

FALLING BEHIND...:(
I keep falling behind work.:( A lot. That's very annoying. I know I should take care of myself better next time. Last Thursday, I woke up at three in the morning. Ganesh was sick and had been crying for hours. When he was finally put back to sleep, I couldn't go back to sleep myself. Neither could Mom and my brother. We ended up eating noodles at a 24/7 open vendor in the neighbourhood.:P Then I stayed awake until dawn, finishing the translation work. I e-mailed it at nine in the morning before going to work. As usual, teaching until nine pm. After that, I got another call about another translation job. Thinking I could still make it before Friday prayer, I accepted the assignment. By the end of Friday, my body had already felt weird. Stiff and wretched. The headache and the back-pain.:( Last weekend was quite disastrous for me. I'd been feeling sick in my stomach the entire weekend and could hardly do anything else but sleep and drink and cringe. I was also almost dehydrated. It was quite a surprise that I could still manage to keep my cool during Mom's birthday celebration at Oenpao's on Sunday. I thought about that super spicy noodles I'd had on Wednesday with Mz.D and my exhaustion recently. Food poison or stomach flu? Both?? When I couldn't take it anymore, I went to a nearby clinic in the neighbourhood on Monday morning and had to skip work after that.:( I returned home with zinc tablets and a very strong suggestion that I should start a food detox myself. No spicy foods. (That is for sure.) No caffeine. (Uh, okay...I can take that for a while.) No chocolate. (WHAT?!) Oh, well.:( Just to be on the safe side. I was back to work yesterday, and now I must show up early tomorrow morning at ten for another internal training. The Author/SBF/QB

WHERE DO I BEGIN?
This is what normally happens when I get too busy to write in here. By the time I get back, I often hesitate with that question in my head: Where do I begin?:P Oh, heck. I'll just dive in as always. Not much to say about last week, except what had been going on last weekend. Work, work, work. I'd finally learned that the magazine only pays for short stories - not poetry, after one phone call I'd made on Monday. No problem. They'd sent me a cool merchandise, though. A nice green tee, but it's so tight that people can see...umm, the annoying extra fat I'm still battling against. (Grrh!:x) Then, there was the painless trip to the tax office on Thursday. Why painless? It didn't take that long. Plus, the tax official wasn't too nosy like the one last year - asking about whether I had any 'valuable' properties under my name. (With a teacher's salary?:P Ha-ha!) Saturday was the greatest, though.:D The whole school teachers, staffs, and I went out of town to hang out at Taman Bunga Nusantara (Nusantara's Giant Flower Garden) at the hillside of Bogor. I've visited some parts of the hillside as a kid. The air wasn't as badly-polluted as it always is in Jakarta. It was a sunny day with less heat. We had a picnic and played games. I tried the go-kart twice and felt good about letting off some steam by speeding on it. I tried the ATV too and had almost fallen off.*blushes* Gigi was much better at it, of course, since she rides a motorcycle everyday. We even went into The Maze. To be on the safe side, we formed into groups of five before we entered. Each had the same map we bought from the tour guide. The funny thing was, we still got lost even with the maps!:D LOL!! That was hilarious. Eventually, we found the other groups at the central point of the maze after ten minutes of half-blind search. Right there, there was a group of small green bushes purposely-shaped into the words "I LUV U". Just for kicks, Mz.D made me stand next to it and have my picture taken.*cringes* I'm a love cynic, remember?*sneers* When we finally exited the maze, it was already the edge of the noon. We admired more plants (some of them remind me of those in "Edward Scissorshand". It's where Johnny Depp (Edward) creates dinosaurs and ducks from plants.) We took pictures too, but most of us were already very, very tired. Poor Bear. He's a lovely chub, but when it comes to continuous long walks - he's just so out of shape. With his undying love for junk foods and cigarettes, who would be surprised? No wonder he crashed fast and hard by the time we were on the bus on our way back to Jakarta. By the time I got home, I was already too exhausted that I fell asleep instantly. When I woke up on Sunday morning, my whole body felt as if I'd gathered a week of grueling workouts into one solid day. (Aargh!) It took more than ten minutes for me to have finally dragged myselfout of bed. Seriously. When my brother and Mom said they were going to Gandaria City (another shopping mall nearby), I forced myself to ignore the pain. A trip to the mall usually means shopping and eating out, and I was right. After shopping, the three of us had lunch at my brother's favourite choice - a sushi restaurant named "Takigawa". Super yummy! That night, we went to my cousin Shari's engagement meeting plan at her house a block away. (My dentist cousin is getting married to a GP named Yadi.) I couldn't take it anymore when I'd noticed - once again - how most men in my family smoked incessantly that night. (Uncles and cousins.) They didn't even care when my sister walked in with Ganesh and Baby Gyan. (Sadly, even the boys' dad often smokes near them too.*rolls eyes*) Seriously, how could grown-ups be so bloody selfish?! "I'm sick of seeing men smoke all the time," I blurted out to Shari when we were out of their earshot. "I don't want to end up with one for the rest of my life." "Amen to that, Bee. Thank God my Yadi doesn't smoke." "Awesome." Because he's a rarity. Don't buy it? Come to Jakarta and see what I mean.:| The Author/SBF/QB

THE ORDINARY DAYS
Last weekend on Saturday, we hung out at Aunt Ria's place. They were all equally-awed by cute Baby Gyan, which made his older brother Ganesh feel jealous. The little boy ended up getting cranky all day long, demanding everyone's attention too. And I had to carry Ganesh up the stairs to the second floor and back, only because he wanted to see what was there. Twice. He refused to walk, and he's about 12 kilograms (26.4 lbs?) Plus, it was a very hot afternoon. In the end, I was drenched in my own sweat. I also silently wished I'd lost a few pounds from that sudden work-out. Hehe.:P I escorted Mom to my brother's ex-girlfriend Dida's wedding at the evening. (Dida's a dentist, and they'd been dating for quite some time, long before he met Dindi.) My brother was very sweet. (I mean, he definitely is much sweeter than I am - so it would be odd if anyone thought I'm too kind.:| The truth is...well, I'd rather not go there again.) I mean, my brother even helped with her wedding prep. Isn't that sweet?:) Then I had another silly argument with Mom. It started when I noticed that some couples did different things at the wedding. There were women who grabbed the drinks for their men. (Mostly husbands and wives, I presumed.) There were also men who did that for their ladies. I told Mom about this. "It's all about the cultures," she simply concluded. "In the west, I think most men do that because that's part of being the gentlemen. Here, people still perceive women's role as servants to their men - especially the Javanese." Ugh, not another Javanese, patriarchic cultural arrogance, please.*scoffs* "Well, if I ever did that to a guy, Ma, it would be out of kindness," I told her. "I'd be doing it because I really care about him, not because I have to - or I see myself as his servant." "That's okay too, but we live in the society where other people's opinions matter," she reminded me sternly. I caught an unpleasant flicker in her eyes. "Most elders here still think it's inappropriate for men to-" "Ma, this is not the only part of the world." "I know." She glared at me impatiently. I could tell that - once again - she was also disappointed. "Still, it's up to you if you choose to be the minority and can take people 'talking' about you." Honestly, I kind of regret that argument, because I knew she'd say that. (I guess that's why they call it 'generation gap'.:P) However, I still stick to what I believe in. I mean, take a look at other stuff related to this. For example, I once witnessed a husband who didn't give a damn that his wife had been awfully busy at that time. (Feeding their crying little boy and preparing for the family gathering dinner at that time. Oh, for the record, she works outside their house too!) He sat around doing nothing, yet he was impatiently ordering his wife: "Where's my tea?!" in such a demanding tone that made me feel like throwing a shoe at his smug face. (Don't worry, I didn't.*sneers*) I mean, what the hell, dude? Can't you see she's busy? Can't you see that just because she's your wife doesn't mean she'll drop your kid somewhere only to fix you some tea so that you'd stop nagging? Why don't you make that yourself, at least once in a while? Is it too bloody difficult for you, or you just need 24/7 royal treatments ONLY to make you feel like a real man?*sneers* In the end, I just stared at Mom's drinking glass in her hand. Then I simply grabbed another for myself from a nearby table. There was no one I could give that too and no one to get that for me. No problem. I can always deal with that. How was my first week back to work? Busy and quite exhausting as usual. But that's okay, because I need to stay busy. One of Jules' dogs died from some nasty virus.:( I feel sorry for her and her kids. She told me that on Tuesday and then we started talking about how hard it was to accept painful things happening to us. I know.:( That's why there's a thin, fine line between accepting and liking. There's usually an acceptance when we like something/someone, but that doesn't always work that way with acceptance. Accepting things doesn't mean that you actually like it. You can try or learn to, but sometimes it gets overrated - as if it's as quick and easy as flipping a quarter. On Wednesday, I got to help my cousin Rizki (Aunt Ria's eldest son who copywrites in an ad company) with the press release's translation. Hurrah for Google Translation! (Although of course I still had to do a major revision after that, because I do pay attention to contexts. Google only translates word per word.) I worked from ten in the morning until nine in the evening at Thursday. Very exhausting. My pal/big brother Al worries about me. He said that although I was generally confident and brave, I'm a bit too skeptic about...uh, love.:| I don't deny that. However, I am now too numb to do anything about that. No, I'm not angry with him or anything. I know he means well. Just like some gentlemen friends I've gotten to know during my adulthood, I know that he actually cares. I don't even care if he thinks I'm being super silly about this, because - the truth is - I just am.*shrugs* I can't help it for now. These days, I've chosen not to give too much of a thought about this. But hypothetically, if there really is someone for me out there who does stick around for me because the love is just there, do you know what I'm going to tell him? 'I love you'? Nah, too cliche. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can say that with a straight, serious face - or without a stutter. No. I think I might tell him this: "You are my miracle. Want to know why? Long ago, before we've met - I have already given up on even the thought of love and walked away. I have sworn to myself that only God could change that, and if that's why He sent you - then I'm still lucky." Will that day ever come? Want to bet? Nah, I'm too broke for that.*giggles and big evil grin* Besides, it's forbidden by my religion - and basically, life itself is already a gamble. Believe it or not, I've decided to start facing my own demons again. I have just finished reading Julia Quinn's "Splendid". It was...okay, I guess.*shrugs* At least the leading lady wasn't acting like a damsel in distress through the whole book, always waiting to be saved by her prince charming...*sneers* Another good news: I've just spotted my poem being published by my favourite local teenlit magazine "The Story".:D Looks like I can still make money from pain.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

PICKING UP SPEED...
I'm feeling much better now. No more stupid fever. Thank God. It's about damn time that I picked up speed again. Finish some important stuff. A lot of time has been wasted while I was sick. My short holiday is over. New term starts next Monday. That's okay, since I'm a workaholic. After all, that's exactly what I need for now. Work. The Author/SBF/QB

SICK OF BEING...SICK!:(
I'm sick of being sick. Since The Red Cross guy told me that my hemoglobin was low (you could go back a few entries from here), the fever has been on and off for days. I've tried like, three different meds. (I even drink honey-flavoured warm water everyday now.) My sore throat could only take soft noodles for days (but my stomach now started resenting it.) I know I should rest more, but I can only do that at weekends. Here's the thing about part-time workers: Skip a day, lose a dime. (Plus, I've spent quite a lot on my own meds.) There are two other things that disturb me about being sick this often lately: 1.It's a serious delay for my productivity. (I'm a workaholic,remember?) I am so behind the target for all my writing projects! It's hard to concentrate with this ongoing headache. (Unfortunately, this feels like the unusual kind no aspirins can get rid of that quickly!) 2.I had to miss Stone Temple Pilots' performance when they showed up in my town last March 13, because I feel like singing this out loud: "I AM, I AM, I SAID, I'M NOT MYSELF! I'M NOT DEAD AND I'M NOT FOR SALE!!" 3.I can sleep the whole day off, miss a lot, and get myself trapped again in my own twisted dreams... This time it was different. I felt myself watching through the looking glass. I saw two people standing face-to-face behind the glass. A man and a woman. The woman was familiar. Hey! I blinked. That was me. But she - I mean, I - looked different. All clad in sexy black leather and spiky stiletto boots (something I'll never do in humid Jakarta!) My - her - long, curly dark hair was loose. Her face was well-polished with make-up. She looked unusually stunning that she surprised me. Beautiful, like some mythical urban goddess out of some strange tale. However, there was something sinister about her that gave me the creeps. Her - my - eyes were darker than dark. She was smiling at the guy. I touched the glass in front of me. Cold. Thick. I shuddered. I didn't get a good look at the guy, even at a very close range. His profile rapidly changed in blurs. I could see he was smiling at me - her - though. He had that expression of a man in love. "I love you," he told her. I could detect the truth in his voice that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Is it for real? "I love you too," she and I both replied. But we sounded different. She sounded hollow. Mechanical and...cold. Eerie seconds passed. Then she started laughing hard...at him. Her eyes showed nothing more but...merciless evil. What the hell is she doing? I pushed, and then realized in horror. Why am I trapped in the mirror? "What?" The guy was shocked. Her high-pitched laughter pierced my ears. "Can't you tell?" She sneered, clearly enjoying the sight of him hyperventilating with pain in front of her now. "I just said those words only because I know that's what you want to hear." "Y-you mean..." "Oh, come on." She scoffed impatiently. By that time, I was already pounding at the unbreakable glass. "It's not like a lot of people don't do that these days. Saying 'I love you' and then taking it back, as if they'd never done. As if those words meant nothing!" "Don't listen to her!" I tried warning the poor guy, but it was too late. He looked powerless, as if she'd put a permanent hex on him through her words, her steely voice. The invisible poison. But that bitch noticed me. That bitch - who used my body to hurt the guy - walked gracefully and stood facing me with her wicked smile. Her eyes glared at me with disgust. "What are you doing?!" I screamed at her. She laughed again. "Something you can never do without remorse afterwards," she said coldly. She was raising her fist. "No wonder you're so weak. So bloody pathetic!" "NO!" I backed away, raising my arms with my eyes shut. But I didn't hear the glass shatter. Nothing. When I opened my eyes again, I was back in my room. Lying in bed, hands up in the air. I sat up, realizing that I'd been shivering in cold sweats. I pulled my blanket around me. Then I stared at the mirror. She was gone. Thank God. There was only...me, pale from both fever and fear. It was just a dream, I know. I'm sure most people will tell me not to take it so seriously and it was probably from the fever. But once you learn that all people are capable of serious evil, you can't just shake that off. I still glared hard at my reflection - silently commanding: You are not her. You will never be her. No matter how hard it is, no matter how bloody cruel and painful love often is. You will never let that happen, because you owe it to no one but yourself. Promise! God, help me please. I'm scared. There's still time for a short rest before my night class at seven. When I'm completely well and back on my feet again, I'll make sure none of this shit stays - for the sake of my own sanity. The Author/SBF/QB

THE GIRL WITH A (DARK) SENSE OF HUMOUR :P
I meant to get back at you sooner. (That, if you're still reading.:P) I've been busy with the students' report cards. I also haven't finished all my writing projects yet. After what feels like quite a long time, I've finally received a chance to teach night classes again - starting next week.:D Alhamdulillah. God has answered my prayers again. I've wanted to stay busy, remember? Staying still and doing nothing can drive me crazy! I've been having another weird dream for the past few days. I was facing a computer screen - typing vigorously. I could see all the familiar websites I normally frequent. However, nothing came up from what I was typing. I mean, I could log on to the sites and type the e-mail addresses I wanted to send something to. The problem was when I wanted to type my message. Nothing came up on screen. No words, no letters. Nothing. The same thing happened when I tried to start a blog entry. Nothing. No matter how hard I typed, the result was still the same. I stared at one e-mail address I'm familiar with in the real life. Something invisible, sharp and cold rushed past my heart. My vision blurred. Warm tears started in my eyes... Wait. I was crying??:O The dream always ended there. I woke up, still feeling the cold. Why was I always crying in the dream? Was it because I couldn't type what I wanted? (What did I want to type, anyway?) Was it because I badly wanted to send a message? Pretty creepy, to my surprise. Come to think of it, maybe I'm not supposed to be too exhausted.:P Perhaps that dream was another reflection of my fear/anxiety/whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe I had a lot to write, but didn't know where to start. Or, I was afraid that no matter how much I wrote, it still wouldn't do good anyway. (But to what??) Oh, well. I should find out which 'clutters' in my head that had been causing this strange dream.:P Anyway, besides that - I've also spotted an interesting vacancy from Cambridge.:D I'm giving it a try. Mz.D said we should arrange our schedules to try out "The CSI: Experience" together sometime next week, before it closes on March 20. We'll see. My brother's broken up with his girlfriend Dindi since last long holiday.:( I like her. What can I say?*shrugs* Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how good they seem. She started dating another much older guy now. He's coping reasonably with it. He has to. Sometimes I wish I could be tough like my brother. He's not the type to talk about it easily. He's still hurting, I can tell. But he remains friends with her. Good boy. You know, I understand that people are different. There are some who openly admit that they can't stand being single. They always have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend (be in a relationship). That's even more fortunate for them if they can find a new one pretty fast after their previous break-up. That's good, really. Lucky for them. What sometimes annoys me is that, just because that happens easily to them, they simply think that the same fate works wonders on other people too. I mean, I get that. I'm not going to be a hypocrite about it. All normal people need that. We all long for someone to love and us to be loved in return. I know that, perhaps because they are happy with their relationships - they want others to be like them too. "Find someone new, like I did," they usually say. "If I can, then so can you. You should try that too." What is this? A competition? If trying doesn't work out or the result is always disastrously the same, there are two answers they tend to give you. It's either "You're not trying hard enough" or "You're trying too hard." Go ahead.*sneers* Take your pick. One way or another, the meaning is still the same: "You're not doing it right." Fine, so they're the experts.*rolls eyes* "Maybe there's something in you that you need to change first" or "It's all about the attitude, dear." Ha! There they are. More common statements to make people in this situation feel more insecure. Maybe those aren't intended as an offense, but here's the thing: I don't change for other people but myself alone, thank you very much. I'm not a puppet on someone's Goddamned string! If I changed in order to meet some guy's requirements for a beautiful girlfriend and ditched my true personality for the sake of 'winning him over', then wouldn't I be lying to myself? You could be the person with the nicest attitude ever, and still got yourself overlooked and second-guessed. (Believe me.) No kidding, but how come? It's all about meeting the right person at the right time. It lies within God's Hands. I mean, you could try with all your might, but what if He said, "Not yet"? What would you do? Honestly, I detest the 'attitude' reason (although it is right - but not the ONLY thing that factors!) They easily pick up on that, maybe because: a) either they don't have a serious problem in finding someone or, b) they simply forget (or choose to) how it once felt to walk in these shoes. Don't get me wrong. I don't resent people with relationships. I'm not anti-relationship. I'm just...romantically-challenged. (Seriously, how many people out there would admit something like this?) Up to now, I'm still looking for answers. More than once I've felt like turning my back on love and walking away, wondering what can happen from there. I mean, isn't relationship a two-person job? "You need to have faith." Oh, but I do. I know I won't suffer too much in my solitude. It's been a major part of me for years and...look, I still exist. I only lack faith in love. Only God can help me with that. And He will...in time. I do have faith in Him. Everyone should maintain their good sides and fight off their bad ones for the rest of their lives. That's why I just nodded when my dear brother decided to take some time off on his own. Some people need more time to heal. Does that make them weak? No. Just different. We all deal with grief, heartache, rejection, separation, etc. differently. This is my way. Btw, I've won a lot of free novels from SPICE! that I don't need to shop for books again for this entire year.:D YAY! There are eight, because I gave the ninth - Karen Rose's "Nothing To Fear" - to Gigi. I've already owned and read it. I can't wait to start reading the exciting thrillers.:D The romance novels?*shudders* I'll read them when I'm mentally fit again.:P Speaking of romance novels, I spotted a quirky title at a local bookstore which made me gag a little.:P I forgot the author, but it's a chick-lit called "Jennifer Johnson (Johnston or Jones??) Is Sick Of Being Single". It's a typical story of a 30-year-old chubby gal who frets about not having a boyfriend for the 'show-and-tell' at her younger sister's wedding. Want to know what I think? Hello, Bridget Jones.:P I can still with people who say, "That's okay, don't worry too much about it" or "Relax, you'll also find someone soon." Hypothetically, if I ever wrote my own chick-lit, it would probably go like this: "Romantically-Challenged" (by....well, Me :P) ("I know nothing of love. I do know heartache...too damn well. "I hate the sound of my heart when that happens. It skips a lot of beats that even the most amateurish musician might refuse to put a single tune to it. I sometimes call it 'my personal, chaotic music'. It doesn't make butterflies dance in my stomach, because they crash into each other really hard. "Everytime that happens, all my logics fly out of the window. The image of him takes over every frame in my mind's eye. I can play the loudest heavy metal in my I-Pod while being alone in my room...and still hear his voice too, like a taunting ghost. "In the end, what I even hate more always happens. Imagine having your Swarovski crystal tossed from the top of the building. Imagine the sound of a C-4 being set off. Boom! "I know I'm exaggerating, because I'm the only one who can hear my heart break. It's just like that. Ouch. "That is why I am signing up for this program. I have to make sure that never happens again." Meet Rianna (not the singer!) - an energetic workaholic. Sick and tired of the same heartbreak, she joins RCA (Romantically-Challenged Anonymous), where she crosses path with Jay, a prince charming with an artistic, sensitive soul. They soon click, but will Broken Romeo and Skeptic Juliet manage to pull it off and go against all odds?) And I don't know if that story will rock...or suck.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

STAY BUSIER...:P
I didn't go anywhere yesterday. The weather has been unbearably hot lately.:( I only went out to get the newspaper and paid its monthly bill and came back home with a headache. What about the book fair? That ends on March 13. There's still time. I can still go.:) But before that, I'm going to visit SPICE!'s office again. (Like what I've done so many times before.) I've won one of their contests again.:D I am getting another free book. YAY! Books, books, books. They're always perfect for my solitude.:D Well, I've got to go. Got to stay busier these days!:P The Author/SBF/QB

BUSY
The title above explains enough.:P The details are here: Last Saturday: I went to Gramedia's Book Fair in Istora Senayan - all by myself. I didn't spend too much time there. I also wasn't feeling too well. They had a tent where The Red Cross People were treating the blood donors. Since I'm an O positive, I've always wanted to donate mine. (O positive can help a lot of people.) Unfortunately, when I was tested, my hemoglobin was seriously low.:( I also felt I was coming down with flu. I'd almost been tempted to buy a local romance novel called "Refrain" by.Winnie E. I first caught a sight of it sometime ago, with the thought-provoking quote: There never is a perfect friendship or relationship. There are only people who try their best in it." I ended up buying only a collection of articles by Emha Ainun Najib. Cak Nun is one of my favourite authors, artists, and socio-politics observers.:) He always adds a sense of smart humour in his writings. By the time I got home, I was already sneezing and shivering. Grrh!:x I always hate being sick. How can I take care of other people if I can't even do myself well?:| I know, I know.:P I'm being hard on myself. Old habits die hard. Mom asked me what I'd bought from the book fair. I showed her the book and told her that I felt like staying the hell away from love/romantic stories. These days, I need something that is not so emotionally provoking. Something 'neutral' and... "Smart?" she suggested. I nodded. "Something more challenging for my brain," I agreed - before silently adding: and not destroying my mental health again. Somehow, when her eyes read my face, I had a strong feeling that she wasn't just talking about the book genres. Good. At least she got the picture and didn't press 'that topic' any further as usual. Last Sunday: I stayed in bed most of the day.:( Sick with flu and a major sore throat. I hated it. I had a lot to finish and I couldn't even concentrate on a single thing. My workload. My writing projects. I'm a workaholic, remember?:P Thank God, no sad thoughts or nightmares disturbing my sleep. It probably had something to do with me doubling up the dosage of my prescribed meds. I know I have to be careful with that, but I don't want to be sick too long. There's no time for that. The world never waits on you, so I must speed up my healing process. Last Monday: I went to work - all bundled up in a coat. Annoying fever!:( Last Tuesday: I was still sick. Grrh!:x Last Wednesday and Thursday: As promised, I became one of the judges for the storytelling contest in an all-boys boarding school again where Leese works in...Parung. Parung is a small town that borders Jakarta with Bogor, West Java. So technically, I went out of town and back for two days...speeding with an ojek biker on his motorcycle in the early morning. No joke. That far? Oh, yes.:O Was I crazy? Well, I've been crazier.:P No big deal. After all, it was worth the trip. I've visited that dorm twice before on the same, annual occasion. The students - more of young gentlemen than just teenage boys - have always been fun and eager to learn new things in their lives. Impressive. On Thursday morning at 3:16 am, my second nephew Gyan Nararyatama Hardiyanto (weighed 3.6 kgs/7.9 lbs and 49 cms/19.29 inches tall) was born.:D Yesterday: I've heard that there's another book fair at the same place. Mz.D and I also still have a postponed plan to try out "The CSI Experience" before it closes on March 20. Probably we'll do that after the report card days, which will be next week. And no, I still haven't done any of my writing projects yet. Soon, after posting this entry. Please wish me luck, people.;) Thank you. The Author/SBF/QB

UNIQUELY INDEPENDENT...ME?
I don't know why I've decided to pick that title.:P I just feel inspired by my previous conversation with one of my good friends. Honestly, I don't know why he sees me that way. (Still, I'm genuinely flattered. Thank you.:D) I'm just an ordinary girl trying to do good and stay that way. Sometimes I succeed, other times I fail. Typical me.*shrugs* I guess it's a constant battle we all have to face and deal with. So what makes me unique? Beats me. If it's my ability to laugh at my own misfortunes, then thank God for that. We all know that life isn't always about sunshine and rainbow. There are dark clouds, rain, and hurricanes too. So far, I guess that's how I get by. Independent? So far, I'm still trying. I'm on my way there. Uniquely independent...me? Maybe. I hope so. Well, I guess we shall see.;) The Author/SBF/QB

THE LAST ENTRY...FOR NOW
This will be my last entry...for now. The reasons are: 1.I'm bored and tired.:P I need to do something else much more constructive and productive. 2.By next week, I'll be drowning in work, because it's the exam week. 3.I'm broke. I'll just sit and wait for my next salary, hehe.:P 4.Leese's just offered me another side job as a jury in her school for their annual English competition...again.:D That requires a serious preparation. 5.There are a lot of writing competitions I'd like to join.:) I'll most likely get back when they're done. 6.It's been a very long time since I planned on writing a novel.:P Time to get more serious with it. As usual, first things first. I'll get back to you as soon as possible.:) Take care everyone. cheers, The Author/SBF/QB

TO ALL THE GUYS I'VE EVER LOVED BEFORE (AND ALWAYS WILL...IN A WAY)
Lately, I've been thinking about something in my religion's teachings. In fact, I've had a brief discussion with my friends Via and Mz.D about this. These days, it's got me thinking again. I don't know about other religions (please, enlighten me.) If you're religious too and believe in God and the afterlife, you know what I mean here. There are three groups of people in this life, related to fate and finding soulmates: 1.People who get the same soulmates - here and in the afterlife: I'm sure that - if your partner is the most beautiful soul you've ever met in your whole life - you want to be reunited with him/her again in the afterlife (in heaven, of course!) However, it's all up to God's policy. It's most likely if you two do the same good deeds in His Eyes. How's that possible? Will every pair be this lucky? Don't ask me.:P I'm not the right person to answer that, and I doubt there ever will be. 2.People who get different soulmates - here and in the afterlife: You know, like the ones who lose their significant others (e.g.through death or divorce.) They have to start over and find someone new. Or maybe the ones who don't get along well with each other while they're still together in this mortal life. It's possible. I hate to scare you, but there's a possibility that some of you may not see the same soulmates you wish in the afterlife. Why? Again, it has something to do with God's policy. That remains one big mystery. Maybe one of you commits something sinful, but the other either has no clue or is helpless about it. Then again, we'll never know. Not in this mortal life, I'm afraid. 3.People who can only find their soulmates - in the afterlife: Oooh.:P Spooky (especially for those who fear solitude.) However, they do exist. Newborns and children who die 'too soon' (according to us). People whose lives are cut short by death, even before they have a chance for love and relationship. Don't forget people who live their entire lives in solitude. It's different if they choose to stay that way (either by a serious heartbreak or something else.) How about people who go through all their lives without finding a soul to spend the rest of their lives with, no matter how hard they've tried? Does it have anything to do with them, or God just has other, much better plans for them? Is it really true that there's someone for everyone? If that is the case, then how come there are people who get more - sometimes even without trying too hard? I just need to know why. I just need to know which one I am, so that I can prepare myself better. But then again, life is full of surprises. What would you do if you found out that you were part of the Group 3 above? Would you quit trying and accept it as it was? Would you feel desperate and wonder why? Or, would you go like me? Scared half to death when accepting love as it comes, but then having a serious personal struggle and breakdown when to let go. Then, somewhere in between your three-year-cycles or more, you keep trying to convince yourself that:"Oh, whatever. Perhaps love is just not for everybody." *deep sigh* I don't know.*shrugs* I don't have the answer now myself. Maybe, for some people, love will only be just a beautiful illusion that may never come true. Even if the people who have brought those warm feelings over have been real and wonderful.:) So, how do I play it this time? Nanda, I love you.:) I guess you'll never know. I'm not sure whether I have to feel sorry that I never let you. There's not a day when I don't think of you or pray for you. Wherever you are now, I hope you're happy and healthy. (And I hope those rumours about drugs weren't true.) I remember when we were in the band together, you playing guitar and I singing.:D You gave me smiles and confidence. You taught me about courage too. I'm glad I've met you. I thank God for having introduced me to someone like you. Take care. Joza, I love you.:) I know you've only seen me as a kid sister you never had at home, and that's okay. It's been a wonderful semester - and a fun year in a film club together. A few people in the past have accused me for being tad shallow. Ugh, what did they know? You're handsome and that's for sure. However, that wasn't the reason why I fell for you in the first place. It was simply your kindness, your protective manner when you convinced me not to be scared of those seniors. We barely knew each other that day, yet you'd held my trembling hand. That was warm and comforting.:) I'll never forget that. I'm sorry for having grown distant from you. It wasn't you, it was me. I didn't want you to see the sadness in my eyes and knew the reason behind it. You deserve to be happy with the one you love. And you are. Thank God for that. Take care. Red, I love you.:) You were there when I was on the mend and had no one to talk to. You were the very first who made me believe that someone could actually be interested in me. Your daily phone calls in the past had cheered me up. I'd felt less lonely and less miserable. Thank you. I know I wasn't that expressive when you were around. I'm sorry. I was just confused. I wasn't sure what to do. But then, neither were you. In the end, you chose her. Since I love both of you very much, I've chosen to step back. I guess I did the right thing, because now I can see how happy you two are together. Take care. I love you.:) You know who you are. I hope you're not mad at me if you read this, because I'm afraid I can't stand life if someone so nice hates me. For years, I've watched you grow from a laid-back teen into a remarkable young man. I'm glad you gave me the chance.:) I have learned a lot from you, probably a lot more than you know. I know that sometimes you have to risk a lot for love, just to see if it's really worth it or not. I still wish I had at least half of your courage for that. We've shared a lot in the past, maybe some weren't supposed to be. I know now that I too am capable of hurting the people I love - and I pray to God I will never do that again. I am sorry. Although you have forgiven me, it still takes a longer time for me to have completely forgiven myself. That's why I keep a bit of a distance here, something like I did with Joza back then. I need to heal myself first. But as long as we're still on speaking terms, that's all good for me.:) Don't worry, I'll be okay.:) Just in case we don't get to hear from each other as often as I want to, I need you to know that I am incredibly proud of you. Perhaps someday we'll meet each other in better, much saner days. I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see. May God permit. My prayers for you are still the same. You know what they are.:) In the meantime, take care. I love you all.:) I thank God for at least giving me a chance to have known and loved such beautiful souls as you are. The Author/SBF/QB

AN ANOMALI IN A FOREIGN WORLD CALLED 'LOVE'
Just like last Saturday night, I'm not going anywhere tonight. I'm broke and it's still another week of work before my next salary.:P How annoying. I wonder why the bills come faster than the salary. Well, at least I get to finish my writings.:) Speaking of Saturday night, I had an interesting conversation with my friend Ro last week. (And sometime in the middle, my best friend called to tell me that he was not angry with me anymore and that I was forgiven.:) Thank you.) Ro:"Let me get this straight. It's Saturday night there, and you're talking to an old guy from the internet?" Me:"Hey, I'm dateless! I can do whatever I want.:P" For an odd reason, that sort of reminds me of "The Holiday" (one of the very few chick-flicks I really like.*big evil grin*) You know, the part where Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet) is having dinner with an old movie director named Arthur. Ro sounds a bit like Arthur too sometimes. Once he commented one of my poems with: "The world is a stage and you are the leading lady." That was flattering.:) That sounds almost the same when Arthur told Iris that she was actually the leading lady (but often acting like a best friend.) I've never had this sort of conversation with Dad. I don't know why. Different people and cultures, perhaps.*shrugs* Ro:"And I'm glad you can.:D" Me:"Besides, I'm also sending job apps and writings.:P" Ro:"And I'm glad you are.;)" That's me.:) I must keep myself busy and stay productive, no matter what. I know that the real world doesn't always give a damn about your bad days. You do what you've got to do to survive and stay...you. Still, in my darkest and weakest moments, I sometimes can't help but wonder why: Me:"I still wonder why love and I don't get along." Ro:"Maybe...you're trying too hard?" That's funny, because if he says that to some people here, they'll disagree and tell them otherwise. Even my own mother told me, "You're not trying hard enough." Oh, hey. Do you know what? That's how most conservative people treat women like me here. Does that mean I am liberal? Hmm, I'm not sure. I think I'm kind of in-between-ish. Society's demands can be suffocating as hell. For example, this year...I'm turning thirty. That's unavoidable. If you meet the same type of people, you know what comes next in my situation. The same old 'M'(marriage) questions. The pressure gets tougher if you're still single (or, always have been like me - most of the time.*shrugs*) They think you should find someone soon. They make it sound as if it's as quick and easy as finding and purchasing a new pair of shoes at your local department store/mall.*rolls eyes* Call me a cynic as you wish, and I won't give a shit. Yes, I am - and that's how they see it, which annoys me a lot at times. (And come on, you can't possibly expect me to go uninfluenced all the time. I'm trying, and sometimes it's exhausting to keep your tough exterior. Sometimes all you want from them is to just shut the hell up and leave you alone, because - let's face it. Their criticism only brings you a headache, not a solution.:P) When I try and fail, they still blame me. They say I'm doing it wrong. Some say I'm not trying hard enough. The funny thing is, there are other people who think I'm trying too hard. (Wait, which one is right??) Honestly, I hate the thought of being desperate. I never want to be that pathetic. Yuck. Yuck. And once again...yuck.:| One way or another, I'll never win this, will I? It's like, no matter what I do, I'm still not good enough. Do you know what? Screw this. I'm just going to put a pause on 'love' again. Just like before. Easy. Don't you dare call me a quitter, for love has always quit on me. Besides, there are still more doable priorities on my bucket list. It's not the end of the world. See? I can be sensible again. Ro:"Do you care about what they say? Do you even need one?" Me:"I know what I don't need, though. I don't need to fall in love with the wrong guys all over again. Enough is enough." Ro:"Maybe it's just not the time yet." Me:"Maybe, but I still challenge God about this." Ro:"He loves challenges." Indeed. "I want to know what it's li-i-ike...on the insi-i-ide or lo-o-ove..." Up until now, I still see myself as an anomali in a foreign world called 'love'. I'm a wallflower in its grand hall. I don't know if it will ever change in the future, but - at least - there are things I'm glad about me today: I'm still alive and free. I'm as independent as I can be. I'm not suicidal, because God loves me.:)

IT'S TIME
It's time to quit. It's time to admit defeat. All mortals make mistakes. No one can escape rage. It's time to acknowledge. It's time that you gave up the old, impossible dreams. Not everything gets along with reality. Sometimes it's a bitter symphony. It's time to accept that something's got to give. You'll break if you keep it. It's time for you to be set free. It's time to seek forgiveness and mercy to God for all the sins. May there be enough retributions to heal all the wounds. It's time to change. It's time to kill the poison inside compassion. Hold your head up high and walk forward to embrace hope. It's time to restore peace, before death chases away the last chance's train. Well, it's time! (Jakarta, 15/2/2011)

WHAT'S NEXT?
I haven't sent my papers to the committee of the ESL teachers' conference yet. The deadline is...*gulps* today. Yikes. Since months ago, Leese has told me to hurry. I've finished the papers. I just haven't sent them yet. Alright, I'll do it right away after this entry.:P If I want a rare chance to attend that in South Korea, I have to do it quick. Hmm, what else? There's another story writing competition due March 31. The first winner will receive eight million rupiahs.:D (Tempting, especially for those who receive bills a lot faster than their salary.*big evil grin*) The problem is, I've never really written any children's story before. Teenage stories and the ones with adult characters? Scary genres? I've tried most of them. "It's all about simplicity, a short narration, and a happy ending," Shanti once mentioned. (Of course, she's a more experienced writer than I am.) "You don't want to give the kids a nightmare after reading it." Good point. She said she wanted to join that competition too. That's going to be tough for me. I mean, she's good. I've also spotted another interesting competition from Sunday Kompas. Write a poem with the theme "Mythology In The Present Days."(???) The winner will receive ten million rupiahs, a trophy, and...an invitation to attend Ubud's Writers' International Festival this year.:O The deadline is May 20. That's one of my dreams.:D I'd like to meet other writers from all around the world and read their works - not just here, if you know what I mean. I know that I'm not a famous author yet.:) That's also still one of my long-term goals. Why not? I can do that and I will. Soon, I hope. The Author/SBF/QB

WHEN VALENTINE'S DAY CAME TWO DAYS EARLIER...:)
Sometimes it doesn't take a lot to cheer this girl up on a regular Saturday night. She can spend her time with a bunch of party people who know how to have fun, but don't know her very well. Rock concerts don't come every week (although she'd love to have them more - even better for free!*big evil grin*) She doesn't need any superficial, Hollywood version of a prince charming standing by her door. (If he can't treat her right, then what for?) People from where she lives may not always understand her, but that's okay. Who says they have to? Trying too hard can only exhaust you. She just needs to have more faith in everything and everyone good in her life. She needs a lot of second chances too, because she can't be better overnight. She knows that not everyone is either strong, brave, or patient enough to give her all of them. At least, she still and always has God, doesn't she? God never leaves her, even when she feels completely alone. He hears her every prayer, even in a sound-proof chamber. (No, there's no such thing in her family's house. She's just making that up!:P But she's sure you get the point.) Sometimes she wonders how come God is still patient enough with this sometimes-ungrateful brat. Will she always be this lucky? She hopes so. She knows that not everyday she can get this rare miracle. It's best that she won't take things for granted anymore. It's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Why not? Will you pray for her to help her to avoid the same disasters - or even worse - from happening again? I hope that's not too much to ask. Thank you.:) Just like all normal people in the world, she still wants to believe in happy endings. It shouldn't be just the last page in a book or a final scene in a movie before the credit title shows on the big screen, should it? God's answered one of her prayers lately. She's got her friend back.:) For now, that's the only happy ending she needs. Love can always come later. There will always be the next installments. The Author/SBF/QB

ANGER AND FEARS...
I had another strange dream again. It was a scary nightmare. I dreamed of becoming invisible, like Suzie Salmon in "The Lovely Bones". I watched all the people I know live their lives as if I wasn't there at all. As if I didn't exist. And my pictures were missing too... Then suddenly, one of them started noticing me. I saw a pair of big, dark eyes - boring into me. His flashing, angry eyes - froze me in place. But not for long. The next thing I knew, I sensed smoke coming around me. I looked down at my hands. Blue blaze was consuming them. I was on fire. My whole body burst in flames. It didn't hurt. I was burning but I didn't feel the heat. I looked at him again. He was still glaring at me. There was obvious pain in his eyes. I slowly closed my eyes, letting my tears fall. I couldn't even stand the thought of causing him that. I had. I'm sorry. My anger has been uncontrollable and senseless. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I've ever hurt you that way. I just know I still can't forgive myself for what I've done. I don't know if I ever will, although you told me you have. From now on, this will always be my burning conscience... I woke up feeling dazed. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to have finally shaken it off. I have to keep functioning normally in the real world. I still can. I've never really given much of a thought about anger management, but maybe I should start doing that now. Otherwise, I might keep hurting more people far worse than intended. God, I'm even scared of myself when I'm angry. Speaking of scared, I have to deal with my own personal fears too. There are many things, actually. I've let myself get heavily affected by other people's problems - here and in the real world too - that I often forget about taking care of myself. Long ago, I thought anger management had only had something to do with eradicating it. How can you do that, when you've been taught not to have it in the first place? How, when you've been too afraid to acknowledge it yourself? I used to think it was a sign of weakness. It was like, letting people get their powers over your feelings and emotions. (Like how you say, "What you did really hurt me.") Well, now I know that sometimes I do need to do that - in a healthier way. Otherwise, it'll drive me crazy once again. It'll eat me up from inside. It has so many times before.:( Never try to bury anything - even the hatchet - unless you're absolutely sure it's 100% dead and it stays that way. If not, there's no guarantee everyone around you is safe from harm when you get yourself emotionally exhausted and lose all your marbles. Please, don't even give yourself a b.s. excuse about not wanting to hurt the people you love with your anger. That's not healthy. That's no kindness nor mercy. That's delay. No matter how good, people are still capable of hurting others too - intentionally or else. Me? When it comes to the people I really love, I hurt them out of pure, temporary anger - never a permanent hatred. I never want to do that, but sometimes I can't help it. That's my weakness. I've acknowledged and admitted that. I'm angry that I've let my feelings run way too deep and get the best of me. Words can hurt you if you only let them. I have failed in that. I'm also angry that I've let myself become too emotionally attached to people. That wasn't supposed to happen. That wasn't a sign of independence. However, I'm not angry at anybody else but me. Until I can work this out, I'm not supposed to get too close to other people. It's not safe for them, even when I love them so much. Dear God, I don't want to hurt him anymore, so it's best that he never deals with me anymore. Long ago, I'd promised him that I'd never want to let anybody hurt him - even if that person was me. Now I have to live the consequences of breaking that promise. I'm not afraid. I can't be. My friend Shanti once told me that good people aren't the ones to make zero mistakes. That's too impossible. She said only clear conscience and a strong, genuine will to make amends show whether you're good or...else. She said some people tend to go along with their sense of apathy, claiming that once it's all been done - they can't/won't change/be changed. It's too late, they will say. They also stop caring about other people's feelings. Good people are forever haunted by the biggest, most fatal mistakes of their lives. They don't always dwell or wallow in their misery. They still function normally in the real world. However, they carry their guilt as reminders - guidelines to help them to watch their step next time. Although the other people they've hurt say they're forgiven, they still have a hard time forgiving themselves. They're not even sure if God's forgiven them too, no matter how many times they pray. Come to think of it, this is also a wake-up call for me. There are times when we love people too much that we tend to forget about God's love for us. I know He doesn't need our love; we do need His. I'm not supposed to love any mortals more than I love Him. Other than that, they might get taken away from me - one way or another. Which one am I now? Sorry, I don't dare answer that now. I let people decide, based on how I treat them. I also have to deal with my own personal fears. It's about time that I restored the balance. Just like anger, I have to acknowledge my fears first before knowing what to do with them. I used to think that pretending they never existed was the way. That doesn't seem to work wonders anymore. I don't fear solitude. However, I have a hard time reaching out to people/expressing that I need them. I fear that every guy I've ever loved will always go away. I fear that it's true - maybe guys don't look that deep. (I hope not.) I fear that I might lose the ability to fall in love - and love someone completely as I have before. I fear the same, deep emotional attachment will ruin me and my sense of independence again. And hurt other people in the end with that too. Now I've got to do something serious about all this. I don't know how yet, but I will find a way... The Author/SBF/QB

ONCE UPON A TIME...
Once upon a time, there was a girl who cared too much... 2006(2007?) Patrick:"...and the topic for tonight is..." Zahra:"'When Was The Last Time You Cried?'" Patrick:"Yep As usual, we've already got our fateful first caller here. Hello?" First Caller(FC):"Hello?" Patrick and Zahra:"Hi!" Patrick:"Hey,(FC's real name) How are you?" FC:"I'm...okay. How are you, guys?" Zahra:"We're doing great, thank you." Patrick:"So, what can you tell about our topic for tonight?" FC:"When was the last time I cried? This afternoon." Patrick:(sounds surprised and sympathetic)"Oh, sorry to hear that. Did you have a bad day?" FC:"No, actually...I've been...(sighs)...I've been crying since last night. I couldn't sleep at all." Patrick:"What happened?" FC:(heaves)"It's...my best friend. He...(stifles a sob)...oh, my God. I don't want to cry again." Patrick:"Aww, we don't want to make you cry." FC:"He's just broken up with the love of his life. Two weeks...two weeks after that...she-she told him...she was going to marry somebody else..."(breaks down silently) Patrick:"He must be deeply upset about it." FC:(sobs)"It crushed him so bad. I'm worried about him. I don't know what to do. He loved her so much..." Patrick:"You must really care about him." FC:"He also said to me,'Why didn't I ever go for a girl like you?'(sobs) I don't know what to do. I'm confused." Patrick:"That means you're a good friend. I can tell you really feel for him." FC:"I don't know. I wish I could do more..." Patrick:"And I'm sure you've done all you could. Thank you for sharing that. We're going to play something to cheer you up, okay? Hang in there" FC:"Okay, thanks."(hangs up) (An awkward pause.) Zahra:"She was crying" Patrick:"Yeah, I feel sorry for her.(pauses)Alright. After this song, we're going to have a short break. Stick around and..." --- // --- "Are you okay?" "Yeah, Patrick. I'm fine, thanks." He smiled with relief. "How's your friend?" She smiled back at him. "He's coping reasonably, but I believe he's going to be alright soon. He's strong." "Good. Glad to hear that." --- // --- Today, I am saying goodbye to her. She is no longer a part of me. She shouldn't have been long ago. The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 47
"LOVE AS A CANCER" This love's a cancer, unrequited and painful. It just has to die. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:30 pm) "IMPOSSIBLE" It's impossible to have those things co-exist. One is the poison. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:35 pm) "ALL YOU COULD" Weep no more, my dear. You have done all that you could to block the poison. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:40 pm)

THE LONG, LONELY ROAD - THE SAME OLD ME
"I've got to go." "Aww, stay." "No, seriously. I've got to go. Sorry." "Awww, I'm heartbroken." "No, you're not. You're fine. What are you talking about? You don't even need me. You've got her." --- // --- "I think Joza misses you." "Really?" I said as nonchalant as I could. The curly-haired Rimoy eyed me suspiciously. "How come? I'm still around. We're still in the same film club." "He looked so sad when he saw you talking to Narco," she explained. "I don't get it. You two had been very close - almost inseparable - last semester. Now it looks as if you're avoiding him." "Look, I'm not avoiding him or anybody, okay?" I was annoyed. "It's not like he can't talk to me anymore. I'm still around. Why do I always have to be the first reaching out to people?" "And I can tell you've been missing him too." So much for joining the high school theatre club. I was still a terrible actress. "In fact, more. You love him." It doesn't always take a psychic to read me well. All they have to do is look deeper, and my face shall be a dead giveaway. "I wish I never did." "Why?" Now Rimoy looked worried. "That's okay. That's normal." "As normal as it seems, I still can't accept it." I glared hard at her, gritting my teeth. An imaginary sharp claws started digging out from inside my brain. "I've never asked for any of this. Something like this can ruin a good friendship, so that's why I have to stay the hell away from him. Can't you see? In order to stay sane and sober and feel normal around him - I'm not supposed to have any of these feelings! This isn't even his fault, I know." She was shocked. I rarely yell at people, even when I'm boiling inside. (That's how I've become a human time bomb.) "Sorry, Moy." "Why?" "Why?" I'd wanted to laugh. "I don't want him to notice the sadness in my eyes. I don't want him to know the reason behind it. It's not fair for him! He deserves to be happy with anybody he loves!" "So do you," she added quietly. "I can see it's slowly killing you." "I just want this to go away." I sighed. "This has to go away, so I can just look at him again without having any of these absurd feelings. Like any other real friend should!" "From where I can see it, I think you've done all that you could - both for his sake and yours." She gave me a warm smile. "Now all you can do is wait. Let God take you to the right direction as always. Only time can tell and it will." "Right." I agreed and nodded. Rimoy said no more. She just laid an arm around my shaky shoulders, waiting until I stopped shivering. Two curly-haired college girls sat in the corner of the building on a regular afternoon. --- // --- "I know why you like listening to rock and heavy metal." "Why is that?" "You're suppressing something in you." "Shut up, Dave." "But it's true, isn't it?" --- // --- "There, there." Pumpkin gently stroked my long, rebelliously curly hair. He was sitting on the floor, while I was lying on his bed - wiping my eyes. "It's going to be alright. You'll see." "I've never asked for any of this." I looked at him solemnly. "Still I can't make it go away." "I know it's never really easy." "I wish I never loved him." I tightly shut my eyes, but that face just wouldn't go away. That hurt like hell, the way Eowyn feels about Aragorn. "I don't ever want to fall in love again, if it only and always ends up this way." "No, no, no. Sssh." He shook his head and stroked my hair again. "You know you don't really mean that. You just can't stand the pain, that's all. Give yourself a break. You need that. You deserve that." "I can't make the pain go away as quickly as I want it to!" "Soon, my dear, soon," he promised. "Soon the pain will go away, even before you realize it. Remember, with every dark cloud - comes a silver lining." I got up and sat facing him. I gave a half-grin and said, "So much for a tomboy, eh?" "Not really." He shrugged. "We're still living proofs of a world turned upside down." "Hey, I still like guys!" We both cracked up laughing. He was wearing a skin-tight pink tee, compared too my oversized black one. "Like what I've always told you, you're still lucky," Pumpkin added with a sad smile. "Nobody's ever condemning you for loving a man. In your case, it's always considered normal." "I know." I nodded slowly. "Even if none of them ever really sees me." "It takes an extraordinary man to notice someone like you," he told me gently. "Don't get me wrong, girl; you're not that bad. It's just...well, not everyone is born to be the centre of the major attention. From what I've seen, it would be too overwhelming for you. I know you. You're not that kind of girl. You're different. You don't need their admiring eyes to make you exist and feel alive. You're brave and independent." I smiled weakly. "Well, even Miss Independent is still a normal girl who needs love." "And she will find that," he assured me. "When she does, she'll show the world what a wonderful man he is. He'll be her truest friend for life, because that's what she deserves and he loves her like he means every word of it. He loves her for her." "Oh, dear." I'd wanted to cry again. "Why can't a straight guy say that to me?" He grinned. "Maybe they're not the right straight guys for this line," he reasoned. "The good thing about facing a lot of painful rejections is that when the right one comes along and stays just for you, you won't take him for granted. I know you won't. I have faith in you." "Thanks, but what if he goes away again - just like all the guys I've ever loved before?" I challenged him. The same old question. "Or worse, what if he never exists?" "Existed," he corrected. Then he offered, "We still have our back-up plan." "Run away to either Paris or New York together." I remembered with a laugh. "Share a flat, live like Will and Grace." "You can be a best-selling novelist while I'll be a fabulous fashion designer," he added excitedly. Then he suddenly asked, "May I bring boyfriends home?" "No way!" "Why not?" "If one of them is a bi and attracted to me too, that might be trouble." "With those icky washed-out jeans?" He pointed at my legs. "I highly doubt it." "Shut up." He laughed as I hugged him close. "Oh, Pumpkin. What would I do without you?" "The same as always," he said. "Survive like all independent women do." "You've been listening to Destiny's Child too much, but I get your point. Thank you." "Anytime, girlfriend. Anytime." --- // --- Some people say we dream about seven times in our sleep. However, before we wake up, we can only remember the last one. I don't know if that theory is true, because my experience is rather weird. How about dreams that show flashbacks? Those previous four came up to me one night. They came like separate frames slightly dissolved into one disorder roll in my mind's eye. "Look, you don't have to wait here anymore. He's not coming back." That was the line I remember most from "Hachiko: A Dog's Story" (the US version with Richard Gere in it.) I first heard the true story from an old childhood friend. It happened in Japan and the bronze statue of that legendary loyal Akita dog to its master is still at Shibuya train station. Seriously, I couldn't stop crying when I finally watched that. Poor Dad.:( Mom had to calm him down for a while. She was crying too, btw. That movie was very, very sad. Awfully sad that when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my face was red and splotchy. My eyes were badly bloodshot. The lids were swollen too. Yuck. It looked as if I hadn't cried in a very long time. I looked freaky. Then I woke up with a terrible headache that wouldn't go away. No aspirins left in the cabinet. Great. There are always much bigger and more serious issues to deal with in the real world, so I often shove mine back into the shelves inside my head. Sometimes it's a good idea, sometimes it's a bad habit. Typical old me. Too bad the ladies and I had to cancel our trip to see "The CSI Experience". Most of us are broke, and it's still early February. Next time? I hope so. Pumpkin, if you saw me now, would you feel disappointed? I know I do. I know you'd tell me not to be too hard on myself. I'm not always brave and strong. I'm not always right and wrong. I'm sometimes in between. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry I can't be their version of 'normal'. I can only be me, with all the good and bad in it. I can't promise that people will always like what I do. I can't promise that they won't get hurt by being around me. I think I'm going to find the old me I have lost, long before love distracted me and ruined everything. I'm better off that way. I need a long break from getting too absorbed into other people's problems. I need to take care of myself too. Until the day God proves me wrong about how love only hurts me in the end, that's what I'm doing for now. And I'm still working on it... The Author/SBF/QB

THE MENTAL DETOX
"There never really is a perfect friendship nor even a perfect relationship. There are only people who try their best." I've caught a glimpse of that on the back of a book cover at a local store I went to sometime ago. It's part of an Indonesian novel synopsis. From the looks of it, it must have been (just) another melodramatic love story. Did I buy that stuff? Nope. Did I get to have a read? No. These days aren't just the right, sane days. I'm still not in a stable mental condition to consume stuff like that. In fact, I'm in some sort of a mental detoxification. Although I still can't let go of caffeine, at least I've quit on diazepam. It's been the wonderful six years. Despite everything, I will always remember and cherish the good times. I know nothing is ever really forever. Jules and Mz.D are taking me to see The CSI Exhibition at Mall of Indonesia in Kelapa Gading, North Jakarta this Saturday. They want me to get out of the house more often - to release some stress. I want that too. That's a good idea. "You need to relax more," Red once said that to me. "You need to take care of yourself first. That's not selfish. Remember, you're important too." I'm still searching for a morning job, or a possible scholarship/job abroad. I need to make some serious, more progressive changes in my life. Order and chaos always take turns. That happens everywhere and to everyone. Sometimes you have to start everything from scratch. That's normal, although it doesn't always feel okay. After all, we're only human here. We all make mistakes and learn from them. We've hurt others and been hurt before. Not a soul can ever really escape that in real life. That's why we can't promise each other impossible things. "I'll always be there for you"? No, we can only say, "I'm here for you now" and mean it. All we have is now. How do we know that we're not going to be too busy for each other tomorrow, or even the next five seconds? We don't, do we? Who are we kidding here? What else? "I'll never hurt you"? Bullshit! The only thing we can say and mean is: "I never want/mean to hurt you." That sounds more sensible and realistic too. How about "You know you can tell me anything"? No. We all know that's never really true, because we can never tell. That's why the term "white lie" exists. That's why we often hear people say, "What they don't know won't hurt them." So, what can I do for you, before one of us might leave tomorrow? Too bad I can't promise that I won't hurt you. We know how easily breakable that one is. The Author/SBF/QB

TRACING BACK DOWN THE JAGGED MEMORY LANE
"What do you think?" "About what you wrote?" "Yes." "It looked like a string of apology letters. They looked like you were in so much pain alone and you couldn't bear it anymore. Your deepest love for him has been your own personal cancer all along. You thought you'd conquered it, but it was never really gone - was it?" "I guess I've completely lost my own battle this time. I didn't mean to hurt him that way." "I know. But then again, it's never really been easy on any of you." "It was actually about my greatest fear. You know, the 'what would I fear the most if I were dying" kind of thing? But I guess it no longer matters now. He's taken care of that. After what I've done, I don't think we'll ever see each other in the real life for good." "Maybe you two need some time off, away from each other. It's unfortunate that some friendships have to end, no matter how good. Sometimes two things just can't co-exist in one environment. One of them has to die, or else it'll become a poison to the other." "Is there a chance in the future when he might see that I never really meant to cause him such pain?" "People say and do a lot of things they don't really mean when they have problems or are in pain. I don't think you ever really saw him as someone bad. We all know nobody's perfect." "I know. You're right. Maybe this is for the better." "Things happen for a reason. We all learn from our mistakes. We have regrets. But life goes on. I know you'll be strong." --- // --- "I'm afraid the issues have been much bigger and more serious than that story you wrote." I could barely meet Mz.D's sharp gaze. "You can't write happy endings anymore. You keep working on the same theme. You like gory stuff better. You told me that you used to have serious problems expressing your anger. I think you still do, so that's why you can never really get past that." "I thought writing could help to make it all go away." "Only as a temporary outlet. I can see some things still get unresolved here. Come on, I've read that too. That huge load of emotions didn't come overnight. There had to be some stressors in the past that triggered something like this." "I never want to get angry." "No wonder you've become a human time bomb, dear. Keeping rage within and pretending it never exists are very unhealthy. It's gradually tearing you apart. You're tired of building walls, only to have another time bomb exploded from inside. Think. Remember. There must be something either he'd said or done in the past which might have unintentionally angered you, yet you kept quiet about it for so long. Something you're still suppressing inside, only because you love him so much." "I didn't want him to get angry with me and leave. I was scared." God, she was right. "But you should've told him sooner, so you wouldn't have exploded like this." "And hurt him far worse than intended." I looked away. "I'm afraid it's not just about him. More than that." --- // --- "Mooom, help meee!" my older sister was screaming as I was chasing after her. I didn't know where that scary urge had come from. All I felt when I saw her smirking at me was...rage. I couldn't remember why. I just knew I hated that. I hated her. I'd wanted her to stop making fun of me and leave me alone. I'd wanted to pull her hair and claw at her face. I'd wanted to push her down and make her cry. I'd wanted... "Stop!" Mom caught my raised fist while my sister went hiding behind her back. "What's going on here?" "I don't know, she's always being so weird," my sister said as she stuck her tongue at me. Mom glared hard at me. My eyes challenged her in return (something forbidden in our culture). I tried to speak, but no sound came out. In the end, they all came wordlessly through my eyes. Streaming wet. --- // --- "You're her little sister?" "Yes, Sir." "How come you girls are so different? You're fat." I wished I'd been tall enough to break the teacher's big, ugly nose. --- // --- "I want to talk to you about the last story you wrote." "Yes, Miss Emma?" "You're a creative, imaginative writer. However, I am worried about you. For a girl your age, you wrote a story about a young girl doing time in prison...after murdering her older sister, some of her classmates, and a male teacher." I'd never seen any grown-up would be that afraid of little girls. I'd thought that only happened in horror stories. "I want you to tell me," Miss Emma went on carefully, "have you been angry at some people in your life lately?" I slowly nodded. "Why?" "They won't stop making fun of me." "Have you ever told them to stop?" "They just laughed at me." "Have you told your parents or the school conselour about this?" "My parents said I was just too sensitive. Dad also said I was weird. He said snitching was only for the weak and the cowards." "I see." She nodded, as if she'd understood the whole thing. "Is that why you wrote this story?" "I'm afraid." "Of what?" "Being unable to stop that from happening." --- // --- "That wasn't a normal fantasy for a 13-year-old girl." Mz.D looked even more serious and concerned. "I mean, I dreamed about being a Star Trek crew when I was 13. My cousin wanted to be a Barbie-" "I hanged my Barbie with a ribbon." "-and they'd casually dismissed your problems by claiming you were just 'too sensitive'. They never took you seriously." Her eyes widened. "That had to cause a lot of anger in you, but you'd never said anything." "Their typical reaction stopped me," I admitted. "'You're too sensitive'. Like that's a shameful weakness. 'You're weird'. As if I weren't supposed to even exist.'That's cliche'. 'Stop complaining'. As if I were never supposed to have any problems at all. It's like, it's always okay for others to complain, but not for me. They're not used to seeing me fall apart. They always, always expect me to be strong and take everything as it is. Keep quiet and act like nothing's wrong." "It's never really true, is it?" I shook my head. "Mom kept telling me to never hold any grudges." "She's right, but she never let you know that sometimes, it's okay to express your anger openly. That's normal. You need to be acknowledged of your own anger and that's not a weakness." "They were both busy at work. I wasn't supposed to give them more problems when they got home." "Your guilty conscience had also blocked your emotions from coming out. You knew something always made your school conselour call your parents. You'd also noticed that whenever they got home, your nagging sister had always stolen most of their attention. So had your brother. You wondered why it was so hard for you to do the same, yet you remained quiet in the corner." "I thought I could bury the pain by writing it down," I whispered, my voice now hollow. "I used to draw a lot too." "What happened?" --- // --- "Did you draw this?" She was laughing at a piece of paper in her hand. I'd drawn a picture of a girl slapping a boy in the face. Somehow, she passed that to her husband and the old man had laughed about it too. He even photocopied it so his colleagues could have a look and laugh about it too. He'd also joked with them, "I don't know what's gotten in my daughter's head to make her draw this. She's just weird." I stood there, silently fuming. I'd thought that grown-ups were damn lucky to have a lot of advantages, including laughing at what kids do and making them feel like little freaks. Well, that day one freak had wanted to scream, stop it, Daddy. It's not funny. I really hate that boy! Freak. That's what he'd call me later on... --- // --- "They keep making fun of me! I can't stand it anymore!" "This is only your first year," she reasoned. "You can't just give up only because some kids are taunting you." "But I have no friends, Ma! Nobody understands me." "Maybe it's because you never know what you want," the old man suddenly spoke. "You're such a freak that nobody will ever want to be with you!" Dead silence. The conversation stopped there. So had the normal, open communication ever since. --- // --- "How was the audition?" "I didn't get it." I shook my head as I plopped down on a chair next to hers at the cafe. I smiled politely at an elegant lady she'd been talking to when I arrived. I'd assumed she was her friend. "This is Kristina," she suddenly introduced the elegant lady. I shook her hand and said my name, while Mom said, "Kristina, this is my daughter." "Ah, the singer." She smiled. "I have a strong impression that you're special too." "I don't get that a lot, but thank you." I smiled back. "Are you waiting for your kid from the singing audience at the other building?" "No, I'm just here for the coffee." "We've just met," Mom explained, "while you were auditioning." "Oh, I see." Then I caught her eyeing me strangely, and that made me feel uncomfortable. She smiled politely, a bit embarrassed. "I'm sorry, but I can't help saying this," she said suddenly. "You know, your father loves you very much. You're the one he always worries about the most." I glanced at Mom, and she simply said, "Kristina can see people." "Yes, I can," the elegant lady agreed. My attention shifted back to her. "I can see 'things' in people." It took me a second before the meaning sank in. I suddenly remembered my Uncle Iwan - Dad's oldest friend with the same 'gift'. "He's afraid that you might end up like him, along with his flaws." I snorted. "He's got funny ways of showing me that." "Maybe it's because he doesn't know how." "Well, he can always try harder." "Maybe he has, although in the wrong ways." --- // --- "I think you've been overlooked and dismissed your entire life, you're sometimes still unsure if people ever really care about you. Your problems have been casually denied. Considered unimportant. You feel like you're always expected to listen and understand, but there's never a room for you to really open up and talk." "I don't want them to think I'm weak." I closed my eyes. "I'm not having some sort of a delayed, psychotic break, am I?" "I don't know, dear. I don't study psychology." "At least I've had a chance to tell him something." "What is that?" "If he ever has a daughter in the future, I hope he'll never ever call her a freak - no matter how angry he is," I explained. "I don't want any other girl to end up like me." "No, don't say that. And your father was wrong about you. He knows that now." "A father is the first man in a girl's life," I went on. "They say most girls who have troubled relationships with their fathers usually have serious trouble as well when they connect socially with men. But if I use this as an excuse for anything, they'll simply blame me for letting that affect me so much." "As usual." "However, I thought that wasn't really necessary." I shrugged. "Somehow I know he's not that kind of man." "Alright, let's get back to him," Mz.D urged. "Like I've said, there had to be some stressors." "Right." Here we go. "I kept them so that he wouldn't worry too much about me or feel responsible with how I felt. I thought I was taking care of him." "But you weren't taking care of yourself." "I guess so. Every time he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me with this, I just shrugged him off - convincing him I was okay." --- // --- "He's blown me off again." "I've sensed something wrong with him from the beginning." "I don't know why. Maybe he needs some time alone to decide about 'us'. Maybe he's unwell again." "You know you deserve someone better than him." "Look, it's not that easy." "Yeah, but I'm worried about you, okay? I mean, I've read what you wrote about him. It sounds like you're obsessed with him." "Well, I've written a lot about you too in my older entries. Does that mean I was obsessed with you too?" "No.:) That means you've cared a great deal about me and I feel lucky." --- // --- "How did you feel when he used that word?" "'Obsessed'? I felt like a pathetic freak. It was sad, really, to have him had such thoughts about me. I never placed the guy's pictures all over my room, wrote his last name next to mine, or some sick stuff like that." I'm sorry, but I just had to admit this.:( "Up to now, I still don't get it. At that time, why was it okay that I wrote a lot about him, while it wasn't if I did another guy?" "Jealousy, perhaps? He was single at that moment, wasn't he?" "Yeah for question number two, but that wasn't the point. Besides, that would be way too impossible. Jealous? Him??" "It couldn't have been only that." Oh, God. Please, forgive me... --- // --- "I know you've expected a lot of me. I'm sorry I can't live up to that." "Wait, why are you sorry? It's about time you found someone new. It's okay. I get that. Besides, you were right. We're too damn far away." "I didn't know how to tell you, afraid of how you might've reacted. And no, it wasn't because your grandpa had just passed away." "Look, I've told you before and I'll say it again. It's okay. I want you to be happy, remember?" "But it's you. I know you'll be heartbroken again, down-trodden. Because it's you that I didn't know what to say." "How come? I've never gotten in your way before, nor will I ever in the future." "No, but..." "Relax, okay? You shouldn't feel guilty about the happiness you truly deserve. This is normal. If you're happy, then I'm happy. That's all." --- // --- "You lied for his sake, his sanity?" "I hated it that he kept bringing 'that' up, when all I ever wanted to do was kill 'that' for good - in order to move on completely." My head was spinning now. "I'd almost succeeded, but he made 'that' feel real again...and painful. I wished he'd looked past that. He had no reason to feel guilty. My pain has always been my own responsibility, remember? I even asked him to look away, but he said he had to face it too." "What else? That might've been it too, but not that strong." --- // --- "You're special too." "No, I'm not. If I were special, people would do anything for me." "A stumble in your confidence again?:)" "I'm afraid so." "You're beautiful too. You know you are. You ought to believe in yourself." "If that is true, then why am I still all alone?" "Because guys don't look that deep. If they know you this way, I'm sure they will fall for you." --- // --- "He said that?" "Uh-huh." "Why? How come? I mean, how did that make you feel?" "I don't know." I shrugged. "I felt...uglier. Worse. Honestly, I'd also suffered a seriously low self-esteem for some time after that. It was like, 'Am I actually not beautiful enough to be noticed?' And the guys who do notice and think I'm beautiful are the ones with the girlfriends. Don't get me wrong, they're sweet and wonderful - but what do I get from that?" "So, since then, you've started feeling that maybe he was right about that. Most guys are superficial and someone like you doesn't stand a chance?" "Maybe he didn't mean it that way, or make me feel that way - but that was the impression I got," I admitted weakly. "It was like, 'You can sing but you just don't have the right look to be the star everybody likes'. Again, I chose to bury ignore my own feelings." "Perhaps that wasn't the most crucial stressor," Mz.D analyzed. "There's got to be one that lead you to this breaking point." --- // --- "I'm sorry about the breakup.:(" "Thanks. I'm fine." "Are you sure you're okay?" "I'm fine, really." "Dearie, it's going to be okay." "Wait, why are you being all affectionate with me all of a sudden?:P" "Nothing. Why?" "Because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Why are you being so weird?" --- // --- "That's it." Mz.D eyed me carefully. "From the rapid change of your expression, I could tell that was the biggest stressor. Not to mention you being pressured socially about what you should do...and problems at home." Damn, she was right. "I thought it was okay, because we used to do that to each other in the past," I admitted with a shrug. "I was just trying to cheer him up, as usual." "And he thought you were flirting with him," she concluded. "Was that true?" "As much as I loved him - and still do - I was more worried about how he was feeling at that time." I've been more than used to being second-guessed, so I didn't care if she hadn't bought it. But thank God she did. "Why is it okay for a guy to call any girl 'darling','honey','sweetheart'- but if it's the other way around, there has to be something else she wants?" "Maybe it was also the word he used." "'Weird'." I shuddered at it. "Suddenly, he sounded just like...Dad." "And that destroyed your self-esteem...once again." "He could've said something else like:'Hey, you're aware that we can only be friends, right?' But no, he used the same word Dad had used on me long ago - that shut me up ever since. 'Weird' - as if I were just some sort of a 'freak' again." "Did you get a chance to tell him that when you two talked the next day?" I shook my head. "No, I was way too furious to speak, so I mostly let him do all the talking. Then we began to talk less, less, and even lesser." Until none. No more. "Why didn't you tell him?" She sighed and shook her head as she read my face. "Don't tell me." "Yes," I said sadly. I thought of him and prayed, God, please tell him I'm truly sorry. Take care of him for me. "He was one of my unfortunate casualties in this pent-up rage issue." "You should've told him sooner." "It's no use mourning about that now." I sipped my ocha tea. "Maybe Al's right. You two need some time away from each other. You need to let go, like completely this time." "I've never regretted meeting him and being his friend," I told her again. "I've never wanted to fall for him in the first place, and made him feel bad with that. I just hate it that this love became a poison that's finally destroyed our friendship." "Don't be too hard on yourself. You've tried your best." "All in the wrong ways, like that psychic lady said about Dad." I looked at her again. "I've failed, okay? I did a horrible thing I'm not proud of. I've accepted that now. Come to think of it, maybe it's much easier to have him hate me and walk away." "How come?" "As you've seen, I had a hard time walking away myself. I think he did the right thing. Somehow, I'm sure he'll recover from all this far more quickly than I do. Soon he won't even remember me, like I've never existed in his memory. Whatever happens in the future, I still wish him all the best in the world - here and after." The Author/SBF/QB

"GOODBYE. I'M SORRY...='-("
For the first time in my entire life, I find it very difficult to write. However, I still have to try - since this is really important. I'd been trying to avoid Dad's eye contact. He's been a stroke patient for two years now and I must be careful not to let him pick up any negative emotions - especially from me. If he gets too emotionally overwhelmed, sometimes it can cause him to have...seizures.:| A few times it got worse that we had to use an oxygen mask to help him to breathe again. I didn't know what got to him this morning. I was passing him by when he suddenly grabbed my arm. We locked eyes for a moment. Instantly I knew. He demanded an explanation, regardless the risk for his health. There was unusually sheer determination in his eyes. How could he tell? I don't know. Some sort of a parental instinct, maybe? "Dad, I'm okay." He wouldn't let go. Obviously, he didn't buy it. "Dad..." That's when I lost it. Something warm started in my eyes. "Daddy, I've done something truly horrible. So despicable that now I've lost my best friend." His eyes widened in disbelief when I mentioned the name. "He hates me for good." His lips quivered and his shoulders began to shake. His mouth was moving, and I could tell what he was trying to say: No, it can't be. No. "Yes, Daddy." Just like a bad habit, I'd broken another promise not to cry in front of him, no matter how horrible the situation was. To make matters worse, he started crying too - silently. "Yes, it is. This time I've hurt him the worst way any other freak like me could ever do but barely think of. Now he's completely lost his trust in me and never wants anything to do with me anymore. I know I deserve that, Daddy. I'm afraid I've become the worst friend in the world and there's no going back in that. I'm not proud of what I did." Then I did what I normally don't do, even when I was a child. I hugged the crying old man as we both were in tears. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm so sorry. I've already apologized to him but I'm afraid it's way too late now. I've screwed up big time. I'm sorry. I never do anything right. I always say the wrong things I never should. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to hurt him. The fact is I really did. So bad. Now it's only God's rare miracle that can make us friends again, and I'm afraid I'll never get that. I don't deserve any of that anymore. I'm so sorry..." ='-(... I've lost my best friend two days before his 25th birthday. How? I've written a not-so-fictional story which has seriously offended him because one of the characters was too much like him. He saw that as a personal betrayal to our six-year-old friendship.:( It looked as if I'd been so bloody judgmental, when in fact it was just my own silly issue of disagreement. Because despite of everything, I knew I had no right to tell him what to do - so I'd kept quiet until I wrote that. However, there's nothing justifiable about what I'd done. I'm not going to argue with that. I'm also not going to defend myself or try to make myself look less guilty or more pitiful. Most of all, I'm not going to beg him to forgive me and give me another chance to be a better friend. It's already way too late for that anyway. I'm forever doomed in my own personal hell. I've never got a chance to explain more to him, but I guess it no longer matters now. He's heard enough of me. He's had it. He's made up his mind, and I won't blame him for that. He's got all the rights in the world. One last shot in the head, and I'm as good as dead. If you ask me what I want, I'm not going to lie to you. I'll do anything to get my best friend back. If only he knew that I never meant to make him feel like he was only to complete my plot. That I never meant to sound like a jealous, insecure bitch. I admit that I often get myself too carried away emotionally. Brutal honesty has the most expensive price to pay. I couldn't afford it, so I had to lose him this way. If there's God's rare miracle that can make him at least forgive me, then He must be way too kind to me. However, if that day never comes, then I shall live the rest of my life bearing this inconsolable, unrepentant regret. I guess I'll never be able to wish him happy birthday anymore, unless silently. I never thought it would ever come to this, but this is my reality now. I'm living with this awful sin. Goodbye. I'm sorry...='-( The Author/SBF/QB

SHORT FICTION: LETTERS TO SEAN
Dear Sean, Happy birthday. As usual, I�m praying for all the luck in your life. You often say I�m too kind with you. So what if I really mean it? Guys like you are rare, Sean. That�s why I�m always wishing you the best. I hope you like the gift I sent you. This time, I recorded that song in my brother�s friend�s studio. Ari�s an excellent guitar player and songwriter, so he�s helped me a lot. I�m sorry that I still can�t play guitar and write songs as great as you do. None of my poems are suitable as a song yet. I only know your e-mail address and phone number. I have no guts to ask you where you live. That�s never been my style. Besides, we�re much too far away from each other. Will we ever really meet? At least once, maybe?? I know. As usual, I expect too much. Besides, who am I? Just a loyal best friend listening to you for all these years. Imagine how we�ve known each other that long. I even forgot the last time I talked to my high school and college friends. I don�t know, Sean. I only feel that with you, I can completely be myself. I can be the tomboyish Rara without worry of criticism and judgment. You know I can�t stand guys who are control freaks and refuse to accept girls the way they are. Selfish. They say I�m weird and stubborn. They wonder how I will get a boyfriend if I don�t compromise well and scare the hell out of them? Fortunately, you�ve always supported me. Patience, you urge me to be. The right guy will come for me. You also say that�s what friends are for. Always supportive of each other and exchanging honesty. Ah, best friends. That�s what we are. Always and forever, you�ve promised. Never more. That�s okay. That�s better than nothing. I still want to be grateful and I am. Right, Sean? Rara. ---//--- Dear Sean, �The truth will set you free.� Many have said that. You�ve also claimed to believe so. Really? Perhaps this is why I�ve chosen to write these letters. Yes, instead of e-mailing or blogging where its private entries are accessible for you. Telling you this straight on the phone? I�d rather eat a big jar of your favorite jalapenos and lose my appendix in the operating theatre. I don�t know, Sean. From the beginning, I�ve already broken �the rule�, although I�ve tried my hardest not to. Forgive me, Sean. I�ve never asked for any of this. Even though you�ve told me that you understood and put no blame on me, I still hate myself. Feelings can�t be denied nor compelled. I�ve tried killing these many times, even by giving other guys a chance. Amazing how I could still hear you spilling your heart out on me for years. Mostly it was about the girls you loved who ended up breaking your heart. There was one you�d also unintentionally disappointed, because � at that time � you were still mending your old wounds. Just like me, she�d understood. Then you were so devastated when she was killed in a car crash. Honestly, no matter how painful it would be for me, I actually didn�t mind if Nadia were to be your girlfriend. She seemed nice. Time flies in a speed of light. I know, you�re hoping that I�ll find a boyfriend too myself. Believe me, I�d like that too. However, I�m not a popular type like you, Sean. There are more girls who like you than the number of guys who like me. In fact, they barely exist. I wonder why. I�m serious, Sean. You may convince me many times how beautiful I am and there surely will come a guy who really likes me. Well, this is how reality works. Even if there�s one, it never lasts long. There are always other girls. In the end, it�s always them instead of me. As usual, people can only blame me. I�m the one who won�t open up enough. I�m the one who always make the wrong choices. I hate that. They never (want to) understand. There are some who blatantly call me stupid. Why waste my time waiting on you? (The truth is, I�m waiting for God�s miracle � which I don�t know when will come. It doesn�t always mean you, does it?) The last time I read your blog, you were highly infatuated by beautiful, girly Eileen, although she�d already got a boyfriend. Ah, lucky her. She had one guy and could still get another. To be honest, I couldn�t take that. I was also disappointed because (it seemed to me) that you had changed, Sean. You became the same as those other guys I hate. The shallow ones who only go for the pretty faces. No problem if she�s someone else�s girlfriend. How could God let me fall in love with you? This is like a poison without a cure. Am I slowly dying already? I�m sorry, Sean. Please pray for these feelings to go away � as fast as an aspirin kills a migraine. Rara. ---//--- Dear Sean, Guess what? I think this is going to be my last letter. I guess we�ll never really get to meet each other. I�m sad, but what else can I do? I wonder if you still think of me. We haven�t really talked anymore in a very long time. We�re both busy. Only once in a while we get to greet each other through Facebook. By the way, I�ve spotted the picture of your Jade on Facebook. She�s so beautiful. You�ve told me that she�s also a tomboy. The last time we talked, you sounded so happy. That�s a great thing. I think you�re finally back to doing the right thing. She�s not someone else�s girlfriend and only loves you. Do you still remember how I often complain about my headache? The doctor�s just delivered the bad news that made Mommy cried. There�s been a lump forming in my brain. It�s a terminal cancer, Sean. No one saw it coming. There was also nothing that I could do, but to live the rest of my shortened life as good as possible. I have to reduce my exposure to radiation too. That�s why I hardly get online anymore. I hope you�re alright and that you don�t have to worry too much about me anymore. I�m very sorry, Sean. I�m such a coward. I�m afraid I�ve let you down, because you�ve always believed in how brave and strong I am. I have no heart to hurt you so. Besides, my pain is my own responsibility, remember? It�s okay, Sean. Perhaps this is also good news for me. At last, there�s something that will kill this love so great for good. Not some other guy, because I don�t want to pretend to love anyone � no matter how nice he can be to me. It�ll be unfair to him. You won�t pretend to love any girl too, just because she�s nice to you. It�s just the same, isn�t it? I also have no heart to hurt the guy who wants to be my boyfriend (if there�s any!); just in case I lose this battle against the cancer� Be good, Sean. You know I�ll always love you� Love, Rara. ---//--- �She never told me.� Behind his spectacles, Sean�s beautiful brown eyes were glistening. The sad faces in front of him were silent. Some were in tears. �She never wanted to upset you.� Gayatri, one of Rara�s best friends in the real world, gestured at the letters in his hands. �She valued your friendship more than anything.� No one said a word when Sean finally cried in Jade�s arms. His eyes strayed upon a portrait of a shoulder-length, dark, curly-haired girl with a big smile on her face. She looked beautiful and happy. She looked healthy�and normal. A girl who had been stubborn enough to ride her motorcycle alone the week before, ignoring a sharp pain in her head. According to the witnesses, at that moment Rara hadn�t noticed that there was a truck speeding towards her from an intersection� -The end- (Jakarta, January 8 � 16, 2011) Inspired by: - Shadeq Hedayat�s �Dash Akol: Silent Love� (a short story) - Hoobastank�s �Let You Know� (a song) - Rivermaya�s �My Favorite Song� (a song) - Lene Marlin�s �Another Day� (a song)

THE FIRST WEEK (PLUS ONE)
How was my first week (plus one day) at work?:P The Old Bat surprisingly returned on Tuesday...just to say hi to everyone. (Well, obviously except Mz.D and me. Ugh.*rolls eyes*) With her annoyingly loud voice and goofy grin, she acted like a talk-show diva making an entrance. Thank God she left again...soon. Good. I'm sorry to say, but she was just an intolerable, mindless, and fake bitch. (Worst of all, she used to be my good friend.) So far, it's only Mz.D and I can really see that... We attended a seminar on Wednesday morning. I normally don't wear make up, but when I did - I got quite a positive response from people.:) However, since I don't get compliments that often, I tend to have a bad habit making a joke out of it: Them: (smiles at me) "OMG, you look so different today!" Me: (grins back) "Don't worry, this has nothing to do with plastic surgery." Them: (laughs) I had a karaoke night with Gigi after work. I didn't care about the fact that I was flat broke - I needed to vent in a more positive way. Froggy joined us a it later. We attended a longer seminar on Saturday. It felt such a long day that my head was spinning by the time it ended at five. I just wanted to eat my dinner quickly, then sleep. Recently, I've started writing more actively again.:) I miss doing that a lot. However, there's one problem. It seems I have a serious trouble writing anything romantic with a proper, expected cliche of a happy-ending. There's this website for Indonesian writes and I got rated...well, pretty bad. I don't even know why I'm still so upset about this. Maybe it's just how it is.*shrugs* I can't write a happy-ending like that, because I never know how that actually feels. I can't put a living soul into it. The only happy endings I know (and can write) are the ones about bad guys getting caught, the day being saved...that's all. Even if the heroine doesn't get the guy of her dreams and is still all alone in the end, at least she's alright. I always call the last one an 'alternative' happy ending. However, Bear just disagrees. He keeps saying I'm often in denial. To be honest, I don't like that. It's not fair. I mean, not everybody's that lucky, remember? No matter how hard I try. Yes, I am still romantically-challenged - and annoyingly, that has affected my work.:| The Author/SBF/QB

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"OBLIVION" In oblivion, one feels nothing but the void detached from the world. (Jakarta, 5/1/2011 - 11:00 am) "UNREMARKABLE" Am I too kind? You will see the changes soon, but will you like it? (Jakarta, 5/1/2011 - 11:00 am) "PRETTY EVIL" "A freak for the freaks!" The pretty ones chant loudly before I kill them. (Jakarta, 8/1/2011 - 12:55 pm)

REMAINS OF THE SHORT HOLIDAY
I'm going back to work next Monday. But first of all, as usual, I must show up either this Thursday or Friday. Check the new class schedule. Deal with the MUT (make-up test) takers. All the usual drill. Speaking of work, I'm still searching for my morning, part-time/freelance job. Why? It's not like I want to quit this teaching job I really like.:P Yes, I admit that money is part of the reason (and a slight problem too, it is.) I just need to earn more. I'm still an unknown author, so that's why not all my writings get published easily. Perhaps someday they will. I'm also looking for a new experience. A new environment. The next adventure. The challenge. Stagnation is a scary thing. The Author/SBF/QB

YOUR PRAYERS
I fell asleep in the arms of darkness. In pitch black, I heard gloom in your voice. Was it your prayers, dear old friend? No idea why I longed to hear it again. The torment in yearning, cruel and sharp as a thick blade. Half to death, I insist on eradicating grief, for too long I've treated my own tears with hate. I must kill all hopes in vain. For too long I have waited the inconsolable pain which still refuses to flee. With all my effort, no need for you to know, for I have never had the heart to hurt you so, with the most unworthy guilt in a soul... Are you still praying, dear old friend? Thank you, for I still need them. Only for you, I'll fake my laughter, in the name of love which must not be tainted, in the name of friendship which must never be broken... May your prayers come true, knowing how I still need to believe love is as fair as its Almighty Creator - not a twisted, mean joke with the evil laughter of the demons at every hideous wound... (Jakarta, 11/12/2010) The Author/SBF/QB

SOFTENING THE TERM?
Recently, I caught a friend's Facebook status about how last year was a waste. Somehow, I couldn't resist replying: "Never call anything a 'waste'. Mistakes are 'certain sacrifices' in a constant learning process for everyone to become better." I swear to you, people.:P A decade ago, you wouldn't have possibly heard something like that coming from me. No joke. Why? Having lived with a perfectionist father could get you that much. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm sick to death of people's impossible expectations on me to be perfect. Isn't that exhausting? So what if you have flaws and mistakes? We all do. At least you try not to cause too much of a damage on other people. Still, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not a saint. (Of course, silly.:P Nobody is and never will be.) I still can't stand people who believe they're always right and intentionally point out other people's mistakes in public - in order to simply embarrass them. I mean, how insecure can they really be? Imagine if the tables are turned. It could happen to anybody. Mz.D says that if you're too used to winning everything and getting all you want all the time, the crash landing can hurt twice as worse than if you're used to accepting that not everything is always under your control. I agree, although I sometimes wish it didn't have to be that way in order to avoid a person from taking things for granted. Somehow, I get a feeling that she keeps reminding me that, so I won't quit so easily. That's the kind of friend you need when the world gets less friendlier. I visited nearby relatives last Saturday night. I met a distant cousin, whom was also my senior in college. When I asked about her husband (whom also had been her college sweetheart, I know), her simple response had embarrassed me: "Oh, we're not together anymore. It's been a year." Oops.*blushes* "Sorry." "That's okay." She smiled. "We haven't seen each other in a while, so you didn't know." Still, awkward. I'd seen them together back in college. I knew the guy too, although not personally. I thought they were just...perfect. (Aargh, I'm using that word again!:P) But we've already known that, haven't we? Even the picture-perfect romance doesn't really offer a lasting eternity. It's just a beautiful illusion to entertain your reality. And yes, I'm being a cynic again.*big evil grin* What?:P You don't like it? Well, too bad...so sad. This is me, so deal with it.*sneers* "Now I'm single again." "True happiness comes within," I offered positively. She smiled again.:) "You're right," she agreed. "If we can still be happy with ourselves, why do we have to worry about being single?" I felt a moment of rare connection with her. It was strange. Up to now, I'm still unsure with how to put it right. For a rare moment, I felt that she and I understood each other very well. I mean, I never know how it feels to be a girlfriend or a wife. I only know how it feels to love someone but have to let them go in the end. Hell, I do that all the time. Am I an expert already?:P If they think I'm pathetic, they should try my shoes. Then they can start talking.:P "A perfectionist treats mistakes as hideous failures and unnecessary misfortunes. A resigning soul treats them as certain sacrifices in a constant, learning process." The Author/SBF/QB

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR
First of all, Happy New Year 2011 to all of you who have just celebrated it.:) I hope you had a great time that we will achieve better this year. It's been almost three decades of my life and I still find myself amazed at how most of my people here celebrate New Year's Eve in Jakarta. Yesterday, I came across a guess-the-statistic kind of game on TV about how most people here celebrate New Year, and the highest answer goes to...book a fancy hotel room! Perhaps it's just my personal opinion. I mean, I've been through different kinds of New Year's Eve celebrations for years. If I'm going out of town and have no close relatives nor friends there, I stay in hotels. Not exactly the five-star types, though. (Maybe only four or three - not below that standard.) I prefer going out more on such holidays. But if I stick around in Jakarta (like now), why should I? Some people may give an excuse that they need a change of environment for holiday. For me, it's a waste of money, especially if I choose to go out all night long and stay up until dawn. Okay, so what I normally do to spend New Year's Eve? I know I can always take my pick. Staying home is actually okay, as long as I know something interesting to do after the breaking dawn. I can also visit other relatives or friends, have drinks and eat until I feel guilty and start picturing 'the gym' in my head as the next place to go.:P Or, if there's any interesting stage performance in town, I tag along with the same interested crowd of friends to go there. The best one I had was probably 2002, back when they still ran Senayan's Theme Park. I'd gone there with Pumpkin and friends, where we ate dinner from the food vendors and watched local bands perform on stage. Then we all danced to the DJ after midnight - until four in the morning... Ah, good old days...:) I didn't find any good crowds this time. Plus, I'm still flat broke, despite the pay-day. I can't be too selfish, can I? First things first. Besides, the mood just wasn't right. Come to think of it, not everyday you get a really quiet time - when it's just you and some good reads. You can even finish your writings in peace. And I know what I'm going to do next.;) It's always been part of the usual plan in January. The Author/SBF/QB

THE PRAYER
Dear God, I know that I haven't been good lately. In fact, not in a very long time. I'm sorry.:( I know that with these faulty attitudes of mines, there's a strong possibility that You might not want to save me a spot in the afterlife's heaven. I should think about that harder. My countless gratitude always goes out to You, for still allowing us to live on this earth for another year - despite the horrid damages we keep on causing here.:| I normally don't celebrate New Year that much. Why? Aside from the fact that I'm not exactly a party-goer, it all depends on the crowd I can tag along with. Besides, that's not the point. It's all about reflecting our past mistakes and making new promises to keep in the future - promises that hopefully will make us better people. It sounds cliche, I know, but most of us do that. Then what about me? Is that a selfish question? Does that make me sound ungrateful to You, after all You've given me? Am I asking too much? I don't make too many ambitious-yet-impossible resolutions. I'll stick to being more realistic like what I've kept doing for the past few years. Earning more money is still my number one. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not that materialistic. I've got a lot to support beside my own personal dreams. My father is still sick. I'm not sure if this one is also a part of my resolutions. They say patience is a virtue. Well, they can say my level of patience is beyond normal. (Or is it?) Maybe some people are destined to wait longer than others for this. Unfortunately, I've seen others wait forever without getting anything from it, even after they'd tried their hardest. Does that make them special? Does it mean there's something horribly wrong with them that only You can fix? Oh, shit. I'm trying my hardest not to cry again while writing this. I've been pretty good with myself so far. Why ruin this with the same old weakness once again? Right?? Or am I just being too hard on myself again, as usual? Is it always me? They say love always makes you happy. Lucky for them. It usually does. Normally, it sends eternal warmth inside you whenever you think about it. Every time you feel it. Somehow, it always works in reverse for me. The hideous opposite. It either runs my blood cold or boils it. It sends me down to the same old mental hell in the end, a dark, solitary room where there's only me and the constant, mysterious evil laughter. It makes me want to break the walls down, only so I can breathe normally again. Be normal. Have I ever been normal all my life? Am I fooling myself? This feels far from it. I'm sure most of them will tell You that, although I don't know how You might react to that. "You're such a freak that nobody will ever want to be with you!" Did he really meant that, God? Has he been keeping his regrets in his silence? They say every parent's words to you are prayers - especially the angry ones. If that's the case, do You agree with him that You somehow have granted his by making every guy I've ever loved go away? Let me know if I'm wrong, because I keep on seeing the same signs. It's like, I'm much better and happier if I stay the hell away from...love. Is it true? Is it normal? How long will this last, God? I can't let my mother know this. Even though she and I barely see eye-to-eye these days, the fact that one of her kids have somehow lost their faith in love will surely break her heart. She's had enough in her head already. She doesn't need this. I'm not supposed to make it worse. "Why are you being so weird?" If I hear another guy say that to my face again, I swear I'm going to punch him in the face, God. I'm not joking. You see, this is why I told my best friend that I held no one responsible for my pain. I don't want to taint other people's picture-perfect paintings with that. Not many of them can ever really understand me that much, even when I try my best to understand them. After all, I'm not supposed to expect too much, right? Silence has always been easy. However, please do me a favour, God. Don't let me fall in love again, if in the end You know there's nothing left for me. Just don't, okay? No matter how wonderful the guy really is. I mean it. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm sick to death of being overlooked. I don't need anymore disasters. If I only get myself hurt again in the end, is that the kind of love I must believe in? Nothing but a mean joke to me? I don't mind solitude. I know I still exist in it. If You want me to stick to it, then fine. I'll play by Your script on my part. Unless You show me a rare miracle I'm really meant for, I don't even want anything to do with love anymore. Please, don't let love hurt me anymore. I only beg You to spare me the all-too familiar agony... The Author/SBF/QB

YEAR-END CLEARANCE: FRIENDS TO KEEP AND (SO-CALLED) FRIENDS TO LOSE
Alright, let's start with the easier list: Friends To Keep (*): 1.The one who calls you and sings to your ear just to cheer you up, even when their lip has just been accidentally slapped by their own guitar string and bleeding profusely.:D 2.The one who gives up their sleeping hours to accept your phone call, only because they want to hear your voice - despite their running fever at that time.:P 3.The one who gets angry at you because you didn't tell them straight on the phone about either your bleeding lip or your fever.:P 4.The one who helps you when you're broke but also demands you to never bring that up again.:) 5.The one who's around when you cry and wishes they could hurt someone who could cause you so much pain.:| 6.The one who makes sure you get home safe when you get sick after a rock concert - and isn't disgusted to see you throw up multiple times overnight.*blushes* 7.The one who openly criticizes you but also suggests a solution to your problems. 8.The one who helps you point out at your mistakes (as you miss them) without making you feel stupid nor patronized. 9.The one who sends you well-wishes on your birthday and thanks God that they still get to see you and talk to you for another year.:) 10.The one who plans to name one of their future children after you because they feel you have always been important in their lives.;) (*)May this list go on and on, because we all need more good reasons to keep our friends.:D (So-Called) Friends To Lose(**): 1.The one who's only around when you give them benefits. 2.The one who expects you to always listen and understands them, but get angry when you want the same from them - claiming illness and incapable of your bad news and you should know better not to bug them so much at that time. (Well, even if it's true, they could inform you nicely.) 3.The one who gets personally offended if you won't see things their way. 4.The one who does one tiny good thing to you and expect you to treat them as if they have saved your life from permanent damage. (Not that you're ungrateful, but that sounds more like 'over-appreciation in one's mind by their slight achievement'.) 5.They laugh at your weaknesses, even worse by flaunting that they can do much better than you. 6.They criticize, criticize, and once again...always criticize you. In their eyes, there's always something horribly wrong with you that it's unrepairable. 7.They can't tell the difference between telling the truth and putting others down - especially in public. However, they get seriously defensive if the tables are turned. 8.They only remember your birthday if you bring something nice to share with them. It's even worse if they forget to thank you afterward! 9.They think you're weird and pathetic and always let you know that. They even think doing that to you is funny.*rolls eyes* 10.To them, you're dispensable. It doesn't matter if you don't exist in their lives anymore. (**)May the list stop right here, because we don't need more annoyingly painful excuses. The Author/SBF/QB

A VERY MUCH EXPECTED DEPARTURE OF A YAPPING OLD BAT
Mz.D often says that The British have got more creative variety of insults than The Americans. I agree. No offense, but they do sound more subtle yet sophisticated.:P I know that my good friend Lorenzo has kindly advised me not to bother so much with 'that girl'.Still, I have to write this down. This is like my anti-venom, so that the poison doesn't stay in too long. That's why I don't just let any friends - no matter how good they are - read this. I'm well-aware that not many can take the worst in me.*big evil grin* What about you, dear readers? I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not perfect. If someone is downright rude and bitchy to me, I can be a lot nastier in words.*sneers* I swear to you, I can make the meanest girl cry and run to snitch to her parents for protection. However, I know better not to. I play the game differently this time. It's best to stay quiet but secretly cunning, making sure that when a bully tries to get others to see the worst beast in you - it just won't work. Tiger is right. So is Mz.D. (Come to think of it, they both do have one thing in common, and are very good at this.) If you silently observe long enough, you'll get to notice things. You don't just listen to what people say, but catch up with what they don't. And no, it doesn't always have anything to do with mere assumptions and deductions. The more a person yaps a lot, the more they usually reveal their personal weaknesses. The wrong type of audience can be a grave danger to them. Unfortunately for them, they're just way too caught up in their own heads. That's why people at work don't just call me 'Kitty' for nothing. (No, I don't steal food from them or anything like that.:P I just love cats.) At first, you may think I don't care about your surroundings because I appear childlike and harmless on the outside. The fact is, my eyes and ears are always alert. (Thank God.) I know that I'm not always that successful in 'selective hearing', but...well, let's just face it. Human emotions are funny. You can't brag about being able to control yours all the time. That's not true. A joke. All too impossible. Mz.D said Yapping Old Bat (YOB) was clearly a narcissist. She wasn't also very bright. Yet she often tries to conceal that by putting others down as harsh as she can. Tuesday: I heard she was talking with Shanti and Panda - the newbie and also the youngest at work. It was all about book-publishing. When I told Panda about the danger of e-mailing your first draft to the publisher, YOB cut in with obvious mockery in her eyes: "Hey, but my friend got hers published through that! You don't have many social relations, do you?" Seriously, I'd never seen her so ugly with that arrogant smirk on her face. "Ha! Poor you. How pathetic." "That was only one evidence-" "But you didn't know that, did you?" she pressed stubbornly, as if I was the helpless idiot who should've known of such a little fact. "You didn't!" I said no more after that and went to my next class. Whatever, bitch. Fuck you.*rolls eyes* I get it. That's how you make yourself feel superior to others. To me now, you're just another hag with a serious case of primadonna complex. (Besides, I didn't know her friend she'd brought up, so it wasn't my fault.:P) The truth is, more personal rights are more likely to risk piracy and infringements (especially by hackers.) But no, I didn't tell her that. Why the hell should I bother? What a waste of time and (my) energy it would be. I've known what she's really like now. I've got much more important stuff to do than arguing with a pair of deafened ears, thank you very much. Even if other people are (proven) right, she still won't buy it. The funny thing is, long ago, she said she was afraid of posting her works online and getting pirated. (What's the difference with e-mails? We can still get hacked, no matter how careful we are.) It's like, she says one thing and then claims another. What an amusing silly lot! For narrow-minded people like her (who believe the world must revolve around them), a passive response from the other party is perceived as a weakness and a silent agreement to their opinions. The truth is, people are just growing tired of (dealing with) her. Well, let's just leave her on her empty little stage, shall we?*sneers* It won't take long before the bored audience starts disappearing one by one, leaving her alone. For Shanti, she says she always prefer personal approach - so she'll never go for e-mails when it comes to sending her stuff to be published. (She still has no idea how to reach the foreign ones, though.) Good for her.:) I know that some of you people think I care too much about people, but I had to make sure that sweet, naive Panda didn't get too influenced by YOB's vile tongue. I often tell him that he can get advice from people, but in the end - he ought to follow his own guts and believe in his own choices. He knows he can't be a little boy anymore. Still, I never thought that someone like Mz.D could be at her wit's end when it comes to dealing with people like YOB. But she is, even when she only shares that with me. At least she still knows better not to bitch around people at work about her, though. Good for her. She's too smart for that. Wednesday: I wasn't feeling well but came to work instead. I had to concentrate harder, so I mostly kept quiet. Indeed, I ignored YOB most of the day. She went on and on loudly and cheerfully about mundane stuff, exchanging pranks and immature jokes with Panda. Then Jules had an idea that we all head downtown to Gramedia Bookstore in Grand Indonesia after work or the next morning for a year-end sale. That sounded tempting, but I was - *snifs* - flat broke. Mz.D urged me to go window-shopping at least, so I finally gave in.:) At first, we'd planned to do it on Thursday morning before work. Both Jules and Mz.D were very considerate with other people's schedules and conditions. I had one last class of the term until seven. Shanti had to tutor someone at home. "Besides," Jules added, gesturing at me, "she's not well today. She needs more rest." Somehow, YOB managed to change everybody's mind by saying she couldn't come the next day and insisted that they go right away after work. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it, I shrugged off and told everyone that I didn't need to go. I mean, what was the point anyway? I'm flat broke. The bookstore's not going anywhere. There'll always be another sale. No worries.*shrugs* See? Who says women can't be logical, rational, and practical too? I'll punch you in the face if you dare say otherwise!=x Poor Mz.D.:) She didn't look too happy with their final decision (but still went along anyway.) I could totally understand her feelings. It wasn't the sudden change of plan that mattered. "I'll just focus more on the displayed books," she hissed to me. Her annoyance was palpable. "I can't believe that I still have to put up with listening to her yap all night." "No, you won't," I responded calmly. "You can use your 'selective hearing' skills. I mean, you've always been good at it." Thursday: My boss treated me with free lunch.:D (Psst, don't tell anyone, but only a couple of office boys and I were that lucky!*big evil grin*) YOB had cleared off her table. I caught Mz.D's expression, which clearly read: Good. Can't wait for her to disappear. Shanti cooked for our dinner tonight before the long holiday.:D She made salad and meatballs. Unfortunately, she'd had quite a trouble on the way. Traffic had been crazy. She'd also run out of money. (Yikes!) And there weren't enough meatballs for all of us. "I hope it's okay if I ask for a little donation, so that I could buy some more," she ended her story breathlessly. She was obviously troubled and exhausted. "Poor you," said YOB. If we were still real friends, I would've believed that she'd been genuine. "How much do you need?" I asked Shanti. She turned to me. "Five-thousand is enough," she said. Despite being flat broke, I handed her my last two-thousand in coins. I'd eat the meatballs too, so why not? "Sorry, that's all I could give." "No problem, thank you." Shanti smiled gratefully. When YOB said "poor you" for the third time, Bear surprisingly jumped in: "You keep saying 'poor you' to her but won't give her the money?" That was completely out of the blue. He'd said it with a smirk and a playful tone, but I could tell from his eyes that he was actually serious. That struck me: He notices too that she's awfully stingy, but trying to hide it by faking empathy! "Alright, alright, I will!" YOB shot back defensively. I'd wanted to laugh. She was busted!*big evil grin* I was glad when the day ended. Mz.D and I went home together. It was her turn to feel unwell (maybe not just physically). Okay, I did something I'm not really proud of now. I told Mz.D the real reason YOB resigned from her teaching job: It was our last dinner together - Gigi, YOB, and me. From the way she'd been beaming, I suspected something was up with YOB. (She can never hide her real feelings well and she's also a lousy secrets' keeper. Past experience's proved me that!) She'd tried to dodge my interest elsewhere and changed the subject, but finally gave up and told Gigi and I a silly initial with a rather embarrassed grin: "F.H." "What?" Gigi frowned, but I quickly guessed: "Future Husband?" "Oh." YOB looked disappointed that I could guess that easily. Didn't think I was actually that smart and observant, eh?:P "Yeah." "Oh, my God!" squealed Gigi in delight as she threw her arms around her. I just smiled and guessed again: "That Australian lad? Your friend Winda's ex?" "Yes, but how do you know?" This time, YOB's jaw dropped. I saw a slight annoyance in her eyes. "Again...lucky guess." Just like what I've told Gigi and some people quite many times before, it's almost like an eerie kind of gift. I've got a strange ability to notice if someone's in love with another. Sometimes it's a sheer torture for myself when - again and again - I have to notice that the guy I truly love always loves someone else. As much as I truly want him to be happy, knowing that smile and serene look on his face which are meant for somebody else is the most horrid agony I somehow have to keep on dealing with, year after year. And no, I have no ability to detect whether any normal guy can ever possibly fall for someone like me. Somehow, this thing only works for other people. (Or perhaps that certain fellow never existed. Maybe some people are destined to be alone for the rest of their lives, no matter what. I don't know.*shrugs* I hate to think that God can be that cruel. He's not, I know.) "I don't know how to tell Winda this." "Well, she's married to someone else, so it's okay," I reasoned logically. "He's no longer hers anymore. He's yours now." "Yeah, but..." YOB averted my gaze. Instantly, I knew the problem. Last year, she'd bragged about how she'd never ever wanted to date any guy whom her friends liked/once liked/who was her friend's ex - even if she herself liked the guy. She'd even implied that girls who did that sort of thing would be a...bad lot. Surprise, surprise.*sneers* I'd told her that we'd never know whom we might've ended up with. We can never really tell. Now she had to take back what she'd said... "That's all?" Mz.D scowled. "That's a normal thing to do. Why did she ask you and Gigi to keep it a secret about it? What's with her embarrassment?" "I don't know." I shrugged. I know that I wasn't being respectful with a person's wish to keep it a secret, but she didn't seem to respect me that much anymore. So why bother? Call this a vendetta as you like. I don't care. I don't even care if she or Gigi reads this and I'm hated for life for this. "Unless she was secretly recruited by CIA or M-15..." Mz.D rolled her eyes. I just nodded again. "Maybe she's afraid if something goes wrong and things don't work out, she'll be embarrassed," I deduced. "She often says she's not the type to blab about stuff like this to people at work." "Bear did," she pointed out. "I know." "I guess she can't stand any mishap. No surprise, considering how much she likes laughing at other people's misfortunes and weaknesses." "True." Then something struck me. "Hmm, I wonder what she'd really thought of me when I told her about the thing with Red last year." "With that irky attitude of hers, I bet she secretly laughed at you." "Possibly." "And I don't think she ever thought of us as real good friends to her," Mz.D added again. "We've been wrong about her all along." "That happens," I reasoned calmly. "At least, we don't have to deal with her again now that she's out. Gone for good." "Good." Do me a favour, God. Unless YOB changes her attitude, I never want to see her again. Please, just make her go far, far away from me. I don't care. She's changed, or maybe this is the real her I've seen. My life is far better off without girls like her, thank you very much! The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 45
"GO" Where do we go now? From here, the path seems unclear. Still, we have to go. (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:00 pm) "RICHER" The older we get, more people we get to know. That's how we're richer! (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:40 pm) "THE LAST PAGE" If life is a book, the last page is a secret in the hands of God. (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:42 pm)

MISTAKES
"People make mistakes. The greatest one is not admitting that we (can/are able to) make them." Seriously, what's so wrong about that? Is it our pride that keeps us holding back? Is it our insecurity, our inner fear of revealing (having to reveal) our weaknesses to the wrong pairs of eyes? How do we know we get the right, non-judgemental audience? (Do we even need them?) Speaking of mistakes, I'd like to correct the previous entry.:) Thankfully Gigi reminded me that it was us who entered the room while Daniel was there - not the other way around. (I admit, he was hot.*big evil grin*) But still, it was he who started the conversation. It was fact, and this time I remembered correctly.:P There. At least I've admitted my fault, eh? I know I could be wrong about things, just like everybody else.*shrugs* I can. I believe that's part of growing up. Sadly, there are still grown-ups - even the elders - who don't see it that way. Perhaps their ego is much stronger than their conscience. Back then, long ago, these people used to piss me off...big time. Don't get me wrong, they're still annoying as hell.:P However, it's more of a pity I feel towards them now. It's such a shame, indeed. How can we become better if we somewhat refuse to acknowledge our own flaws first? I mean, I know it's not easy. I'm not going to be a hypocrite about it. That doesn't mean it's impossible, though. After all, we've got choices. Speaking of mistakes, Gigi and I were giggling while discussing about the story with Daniel in it, when suddenly 'that girl' joined in. She was laughing too, telling me she remembered that story too - about how I was openly attracted to Daniel. For a moment, I thought she was back to the old her I used to know. But then, she said this word before leaving for her next class: "Pathetic." I wonder if she'd meant me, or whether she even knew the meaning of that word.*sneers* Still, I shrugged if off, pretending I hadn't heard her at all. Let her get away with it. In fact, let her think she can get away with everything. It may sound like I've given up on her. Well, maybe it's true. She's changed, or maybe this is the real her I've just seen. Someday soon, somewhere out there, someone is going to show her the mirror. If she still has her conscience, then trust me, she'll be more than shocked. God Almighty is The Truest Justice. If someone often reacts negatively to your almost every story, doesn't it tell you something? Doesn't it make you think? Doesn't it make you want to reconsider calling them friends - or else? I'm not vengeful or anything. It's no use anyway. Let her think whatever she likes about me. It shows that she has no idea. I still call her a friend, but she's just not on my VIP list anymore. (Not like she ever really needed that.) I think I've grown quieter and more observant lately. Some (misunderstood) people tend to mistake this as a sign of weakness, as if I have no guts to spit it out and defend myself. The thing is, my silence often has nothing to do with my agreement over something. There are times when having an argument feels too exhausting, even when it's necessary. It gets even more exhausting if the other party won't listen to your side of story. "Ooh, you're just too sensitive." Really? Am I?? Would you like me better if I were cold, distant, and uncaring?*sneers* Would you prefer me that way? Please, be careful what you wish for. You might not like it if it comes true.*big evil grin* I only open up to those who deserve to see 'the real me'. Other than that, don't be surprised if I become quiet... The Author

THE LAME (PICK-UP) LINERS AND THE FIRST (WRONG) IMPRESSIONS THEY (TEND TO) REPRESENT
Oops.:O From the pretty damn long title above, you might think I'm in my mean-spirited, sarcastic mode. Like it or not, that's a part of me.*shrugs* If you're in a touchy mood, I suggest that you skip this entry.:P Other than that, I'm not responsible for any offenses (especially if you're one of these people.*big evil grin*) For those who have no idea (or choose to take the easy way out, as always :|), they tend to blame me for being such a difficult party. (Nothing new with that.*sneers*) The fact is, there are still guys out there who clearly have no idea how to strike up a normal conversation with a girl they've just met. Is it poor social skills/social awkwardness? Beats me. Perhaps someone out there can shed a little light on me here, so I don't have to be too...err, bitchy about this. I'm not sure if cultures also take part in this. (In fact, I hate to even think of such possibilities!) Sadly, maybe the educational background also plays a more significant role, like how they were raised and taught to treat women in certain ways - including similar expectations on my kind. (Ugh.*rolls eyes*) I've seen a lot of them in this part of society. Unfortunately, I've also come across some. Now, before you start assuming this is why I don't get boyfriends easily (which is so not related!*scoffs*), let me give you some of my past encounters with some random guys: SETTING - DAY. INT - THE GYM. My friend Gigi and I are working out on stationery bikes. A tall, bulky guy with thick, dark eyebrows and beard enters the room and starts using another stationery bike right next to me. He looks at a blank TV screen in front of me. Then he turns to me. Him:"Excuse me. Do you know how to turn that TV on?" Me:(stops and finds the remote control in a basket attached to the pole of my stationery bike, picks it up and turns the TV on) "There you go." (channel-surfs while working out again) "Which channel?" Him:"Thank you. Anything less boring and not too conversational, please." Me:(stops at a motorcycle race on TV)"Is this okay?" Him:(smiles)"Yes, thanks." Me:(puts the remote control back to its previous place)"Good choice. Boys and their toys." Him:(smiles again)"Not my kind, though." Me:(turns to him with a smile)"Really? What's yours?" Him: "A jet." Me:(drops jaw)"Whoa, you're a pilot." Him:(turns to me with a smile)"And an engineer."(extends his right hand)"I'm Daniel." If that still doesn't get you, here's another example: SETTING - NIGHT. INT/VENUE. There's a crowd by the empty stage before the rock concert. A tall, lean guy in an army jacket and a dark blue beanie cap is taking pictures of the stage. I'm standing next to him, waiting for my favourite band to come out and play with a smile on my face. Him:"Can't hardly wait for them, eh?" Me:(turns to him, surprised that he notices me)"Yeah." Him:"Coming here alone?"(snaps another shot) Me:(smiles at him)"That obvious, huh? I bet so are you." Him:"Yeah. You must really love the band." Me:"A fan."(gestures at his camera)"For your campus newspaper?" Him:(grins)"Nah, just a hobby." Me:"There's always a way to turn a hobby into a real profession." Him:"You got that right."(extends his right hand)"By the way, I'm Angga." Althought I've never heard from them again, at least they'd made good, non-intimidating and genuine impressions at that time. Now, let's compare with this one: SETTING - NIGHT. INT/INSIDE THE BUS. I'm sitting by the window, staring at the busy traffic outside. Suddenly, a tall, scrawny guy comes sitting next to me with a goofy grin. Him:"Hi. Can I know your name?" Me:(glares back suspiciously)"What for?" Him:"I just want to know you." Me:"Why?" Him:(sighs)"I've just told you why. Here."(extends his right hand)"My name is Ayes. Yours?" Me:(lies)"Ari." Him:(looks slightly annoyed)"Why won't you shake my hand?" Me:"I'm tired." Him:"Okay."(awkward silence)"So, Ari. Where do you live?" Me:"I move around a lot. Can't say much." Him:"Well, at least you can give me your phone number." Me:"Why should I?" Him:(looks exasperated)"Because I want to talk to you again." Me:(taps window harshly and yells)"Driver, stop here!"(gets up quickly to go away) Him:"Hey!"(grabs my hand, but I shove him and jump off the bus to flee for another one out there) And another example: SETTING - NIGHT. EXT/THE QUIET STREETS. I'm on way home when an ojek motorcyclist offers a ride. After we've made an agreement on the fare, I hop on and direct the way. Him:"Oh, you live there too? So do I."(sounds suspiciously interested)"Which one's your house?" Me:(lies)"I move around a lot. I just have to be there tonight." Him:"Really? Where do you live exactly? Everyone must have a home, you know." Me:"Yeah, but I move around a lot." Him:"Where do you come from, actually?" Me:"Jakarta." Him:"You don't sound like it. Which part of Jakarta?" Me:(sounds more annoyed than ever)"Does it have to be more specific?" Him:(equally annoyed)"Yes." Awkward silence all through the way. Then I ask him to drop me off at a 24/7 convenient store - a block away from home. There are still people there. After I get off and pay the fare, the ojek motorcyclist turns to me. Him:"Lady, I think you need to have a clearer life path." Me:"Sure, whatever."(yawns and waits until he's out of earshot)"Loser." I'd rather have him thought of me as a cold and distant bitch than an easy prey.*rolls eyes* Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but if you've ever had some sick experiences with stalkers taunting you about how they watch your every move and know every bit you do for the whole six months - think again. Perhaps the previous two guys weren't as menacing or dangerous as I'd suspected (and...ahem, feared.:|) Still, I'll never know and never want to. I'm not sorry for relying on my own instinct.(Believe me, it's saved me a lot in the past, thank God!) I know that in this part of society, it's always - ALWAYS - much easier for people to blame everything on women.:( It's dangerous out there, so why roam alone at night (when in fact you do get robbed behind locked doors as well!) Always be nice and friendly to others (but will they stand up for you if your rights get violated and some evil, manlike creatures take advantage of you because of that?!) What's wrong with these guys? Can't they take the hint? I hate hurting other people's feelings, but guys like the previous two those nights make me want to sing this loudly: "Go away now, let me go. Are you stupid, or just a little slow? Go away now, I've made myself clear." The Author/SBF/QB

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"EVIL FACES" I dream of faces; laughing and showing their fangs. I want them to die. (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:40 pm) "HE SAID" "You are such a freak!" Please, tell me that it's not true. He didn't mean that! (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:44 pm) "HER" If I could be her, I would thank God everyday that I have got you. (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:50 pm)

MY DECEMBER
Last weekend, I battled the damn flu and (finally!) won again. Of course, I had to cancel attending a wedding. I believe I had made the right decision. I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it if I had gone. Not much I did, though. I'd mostly been sleeping after taking the meds. (I guess I really needed that.:P) When I was awake, I did the usual stuff when I normally stay home. Catching up on lots of reading (newspaper, magazines, and a novel). Writing (mostly to clear off some space in my head.:P Listening to my favourite rock frequency on the local radio station (and some people still find it surprising that I can simply fall asleep through heavy metal tracks.*giggles*) Or watching a (local) cable. Work has been...well, work. We are soon coming to the end of the term. The new one starts in January. People have been planning and making fusses about the long holiday ahead. What about me? No idea.*shrugs* My ATM is thinning too soon (like, again). I haven't got any specific plan yet. I don't celebrate Christmas, and I'm also not that into New Year's Eve. Well, maybe I can just finish all the readings I can get. Or write some more and send it to magazines and stuff. I know that I haven't been doing that much lately. There are some things I have discovered (and probably rediscovered) lately. Sometimes we claim that we are still the same, yet we also change. Sometimes we also believe that we have changed, yet deep down we remain the same. I don't know if that makes sense to you, and I am aware that I don't explain that better. For now, that's how I mentally grasp. People are people. Do we really change overtime? Is it really a choice or something more subconscious than that - or can it be both? If that is the case, then why do we keep on doing the same things - including repeating the same mistakes? Do old habits die that hard, even the bad ones? What about the good things we'd like to keep for as long as we want to? Is it part of our subconscious and basic need for a comfort zone/a sense of familiarity, even when we know - deep down - that forever never truly exists in this mortal life? What can we do when such beautiful illusion ends? How are we prepared? How prepared are we? They say you'll be much happier once you have come to accept the fact that some things can get out of our hands, despite our constant effort to control everything in our lives. Well, I have accepted that fact, yet I can't seem to describe how I feel about it these days. Is it happiness? Numbness? Indifference? Perhaps it's ignorance.*shrugs* I don't know. Strangely, I'm just good at dismissing certain 'dangerous' feelings these days. How? Beats me. Based on past experiences, those are 'dangerous' feelings to have - knowing they'll only get me hurt in the end. So, no way. It's best not to deal with them way too much. It's much safer that way. Believe it or not, this is also the very first time someone thinks of me as a...goth. (What??:O LOL!) No, seriously. My friend Bear, who spent eight years in Santa Monica, thought so. How come? He said it was because I loved horror tales too much and my gloominess - which makes him uneasy sometimes. (He also implied that from my dark outfits I often wear to work.) He said that if I'd been hanging out with him back in L.A. during high school years, all his friends there would have thought so too. *giggles* Joza would laugh his head off if he heard this. People are people. We never really know people, do we?*sneers* Recently, I have just found out that I too can be such a hideous threat for insecure people. Ha! Who, me?:O Wow. I know my sarcasm doesn't always work.:P Don't worry, I'm past the disappointment. Now I hardly feel a thing about that particular person. Is she still a friend? Well, yeah. I guess.*shrugs* I'm not mad at her or anything, just plainly amused. Why? Despite her vile tongue and so-called tough exterior, she's that insecure.*sneers* I'm not the only one who thinks so. She knows how to put others down when their weaknesses appear, but is angry as hell when they find out about hers. What a typical bully. Funny how I used to think I could only find those characters in school. She has a morning side job as a film translator. When I first asked her if they had more vacancies for that, she shrugged off and said not yet - but promised to keep me posted. Not long after that, I heard from another viable source that she had offered a newbie at work. Okay. I get that. No problem. I have already known where she works.*big evil grin* She mentioned one TV show to the newbie which I also know. I know what I am going to do, but I don't expect too much for the result.:P And I'm not doing that just to get back at her. Hell, I am way too good for that! I can still do other stuff too, remember? Still, I won't be missing her at all when she resigns from her teaching job at the end of this year. It's not like she ever really enjoyed it anyway.:P I mean, it was deadly obvious. She complained a lot about salary and stuff! These days, I tend to pay more attention to what people don't say - instead of the things they bring up. Thankfully, I am now more sensible to just observe...silently. The Author/SBF/QB

TALES OF A QUIRKY BACHELORETTE (AND DAILY STUFF SHE COMES ACROSS)
Yes, this is me.:P I'm the kind to experiment on my writing a lot. Some may like it, others may not. That is to be expected.*shrugs* Typical. How am I a 'quirky bachelorette'?*big evil grin* Well, despite my Javanese cultural heritage, I am damn loud and proud to be an SBF (single, brown female). I mean, why the hell not? This has absolutely nothing to do with over-confidence nor arrogance. (Only shallow-minded idiots think so, and sadly they still exist and I have to deal with them everyday.*rolls eyes*) All my life, I have come across many people who think I'm weird or such a freak. Never mind.*sneers* Let them all believe whatever the hell they like about me. As long as I hurt no one in the process, I have every right in the world to be who I am. No one should ever take that away from me, especially since I'm not the type to give up without a fight. yours truly, The Author/SBF/QB

THE ONE IN THE EMPTY ROOM
What do you seek to find? Nothing's important here. Only a thinker, overcome by her head's contents. You're searching for the sun inside this tiny room, while the occupant is busy calming the voices silence. You can't even shake her with your reprimands. It's hard for you to understand. To you, she's an anomali cursing her scars and covered in solitude. Empathy and sympathy are rare. Your world is fair, away from rage and heartache. It's a shame, in your eyes she's just a loser in pain not a fighter struggling to rise again... Still looking? It's no use, because you won't even acknowledge her blues.

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"PROLOGUE" I can always start a prologue of new faces but you're my favourite! (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "NEXT CHAPTER?" I would like to know if you think I'm still worthy of your next chapter. (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "EPILOGUE" Please, don't leave me here! It would break my heart to be in your epilogue. (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm)

SBF: "GUINNESS' ARTHUR'S DAY: FROM A FRONT ROW AUDIENCE"
I meant to write this sooner, but I must have been exhausted. Don't worry, this time I came back in one solid piece - alive and kicking.*big evil grin* I didn't order any Guinness, so nothing gross happened afterwards. I had to take care of myself, remember? I came there alone. I left after lunch. It was still about two o'clock on my watch. The rain was pouring down, so I had to wear my brother's white raincoat. The traffic was horrid, worsened by the rain. (Typical situation in Jakarta.*rolls eyes*) Some bus drivers pissed me off, because it looked as if they'd have rather stayed home than working their duties.*scoffs* By the time the second bus dropped me off at Sudirman, Central Jakarta, I gave up. I took a taxi to Epicentrum, Kuningan. I got there at five. I showed my ticket and my black rubber band bracelet to the bouncers before they let me in. There were already people waiting. I joined them and scanned my surroundings. My standard procedure. You must be (more) aware when you're alone in public. The show started at six, said the ticket in my hand. A group of girls - obviously Lifehouse fans from their loud conversation earlier nearby, talked to me and we ended up introducing ourselves to each other. Fitri, Zi, and a tall, slender Caucasian girl with short dark hair and glasses named Holly (or was it Hallie?) When another bouncer in black announced that the door to the main stage was finally open, our conversation was abruptly cut. I began running down the long hallway to that door with the rest of the audience, like the early contestants for Amazing Race - so eager to get to the front row.*giggles* And I'd simply amazed myself. There was a split second when my eyes suddenly darted down and caught a sight of an emerging concrete (step, bench, unfinished pillar??) object somewhere in the middle of the way. I jumped over it and landed nicely, just in time with a loud thump next to me. I glanced sideways to find some poor, unlucky dude stumbling hard face first. Ouch!:| But I didn't stop. It was probably the rising adrenalin in me, because - under normal circumstances - it would be quite impossible for me to run and hop that fast with a heavy raincoat tied around my waist. I don't know, maybe I had a hidden talent to be an action stunt.*shrugs* Hehe.*big evil grin* Of course, I got to be on the front row. I hung my bag on the railing and tied my arm around with the strap. So far, it's been effective enough to keep your spot on the front row. The show started at seven, with three local indie bands - ColaFloat from Bandung, Kalih from DIY Yogyakarta, and Bella and Friends. After that, Pure Saturday performed for about 45 minutes. As predicted, they played their eternal hit "Kosong" (Empty). Superman Is Dead (SID) came next. They also played for 45 minutes. This Balinese punk band didn't forget to play all their hits, including "Kuta Rock City". I'm not too crazy about punk, but they played great that night. From behind the pretty transparent black curtain at the corner of the stage near me, I could see...Lifehouse standing to watch the other performers. Rick, Bryce, Jason, and Ben. Bryce even smiled and waved at the VIP crowd in the balcony across from where he stood. Rivermaya performed for one hour straight.:D It was my very first time seeing them live on stage and I was very happy. But before they showed up, a reporter on stage took a picture of me holding a paper with a message in huge block letters: "TO: RIVERMAYA MAY I REQUEST A SONG? YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE? THANKS. LOVE, RUBY" Their bass player Japs Sergio had noticed that first. He smiled at me as I grinned back at him, pointing at the message for emphasis. Still, I waited patiently, enjoying the rest of their songs. "I need to be near you, but...somebody owns you now. I'll try to live somehow..." :'-(... *snifs* So sad... Enough.:P They made a toast for Arthur Guinness for a while before carrying on with the show. Then Japs Sergio nudged the singer Mike Elgar (a sexy hunk with thick dark eyebrows and a nice voice!) They both turned to me. Mike went wide-eyed. "Oops," he said through his microphone. That was when it became silent for a while. "We have a request here." Mike came over to the edge of the stage and...asked a favour from a bouncer nearby to get him my request paper. I could hear the crowd go, "Awww!" as he received it.:) "Is it okay?" I called out, and he replied,"Yeah, sure." And yes, he read my request out loud.:D I could tell the audience agreed with the choice of the song, because they were screaming with excitement. That ballad is popular here! "Ruby, thank you," Mike said sincerely as he gazed at me. My already tired knees went weak like jelly that I had to hang on tighter to the railing in front of me. LOL!:P "Thank you," I shouted back joyfully. With his acoustic guitar, Mike played a bit of Green Day's "21 Guns". We all sang together.:D After that, they finally ended their part of show with the song I'd been wanting to hear in a long time: "Close your eyes Dry your tears and when nothing seems clear, you'll be safe here..." I couldn't help smiling while singing along to it.:D It's going to be something I will never forget. Lifehouse finally performed for about two hours. It's a double YAY for me!:D Again, I took another request paper - this time for them: "TO: LIFEHOUSE MAY I REQUEST A SONG? 'BLIND' OR 'BREATHING'? THANKS. LOVE, RUBY" The played all their popular songs. "Hanging By A Moment", "Spin", "Wash", "Take Me Away","Broken","The First Time","All In","Halfway Gone","Falling In","You and Me"...you name it.:P Hehe. Even Jason played a medley acoustic of "Simon", "Sick Cycle Carousel", and "Everything". Lucky for me, they also played one of my requests.:D Bryce, the cute blond bassist (and also the tallest in the band) noticed my paper and smiled at me. I grinned back hopefully. "This song is not that popular in America," Jason suddenly confessed. "We were surprised when we first played this in Philippines and people sang along." We waited, anticipating. "It turns out that you guys also know this song," Jason went on. He was smiling a lot that night. "This song is called...Blind!" The crowd and I cheered. "Yeah, I noticed your request paper too," Jason added with a grin. The song is like my personal soundtrack these days: "After all this time, I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here. And my love for you was blind, but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you would ever know... And part of me died when I let you...go..." :'-(... *snifs* That was beautiful... The concert finally ended at one. Lifehouse thanked the audience for coming and enjoying their songs. I shouted thank you to Bryce for noticing my request paper and he just smiled back. A tall guy behind me shouted, "Thanks for coming! Come back soon!" Indeed, I hope so too.:) Amen... The Author/SBF

SBF:A NOTE BEFORE THE CONCERT
There is another audition for dubbers in my school.:D Marty suggested that I give it a try, especially after I'd done the previous one with my CAE teacher Amber. It was fun.:) I am sure going to enjoy that again if they pick me. Dubbing feels like acting without having to show your face. I am also running out of money again.:( Why so soon? Well, let's just say some has been (reasonably) spent, some borrowed.:P What else? Shanti complained about her friend trying to set her up with a random guy she didn't even like - without her agreement nor permission. I could totally understand her. If that ever happened to me (may God forbid, though), I'd be very, very pissed. Why? That was impolite and inappropriate.:( I am sure that her friend must have had good intentions, but she did it wrong. She should have asked Shanti first! What do I personally think of matchmaking? It depends.*shrugs* Sometimes it works, sometimes it just doesn't. Some people rely on it so much, but me? I don't know. Based on my past experiences, there have been heavy expectations on it (like, it had to work out somehow - one way or another.) Especially if your parents do that to you.:| (Hmm...) If I ever get myself into it again, it will be because I want to see how it might go. And I only trust one person in the world to be The Cupid (despite how the result may come :P), because it seems to me that he knows better what kind of a guy is the right one for me. So, I am kind of challenging him with this assignment. (You know who you are.;) Hehe.*big evil grin*) No, he is not someone from my family.:P In fact, I don't even ask my own family to do this for me. It's basically pride, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love them. It's just that, there are times when it's hard for them to at least try to understand me. They think they know me, but how much? (I know. Do we ever really, really know people - blood-related or else?) My point is, feelings can't be compelled. Love can't be compelled, only kept or released. Not everybody is that lucky to find someone they love who also feels the same in return. It's not bitterness, just the truth. You can always thank God if you are that lucky. You don't have to be such a heavy skeptic, a love cynic, or...romantically-challenged. Romantically-challenged? Hmm.:P If they have AA meetings, why not RCA instead? "Hi, my name is ****. I am romantically-challenged." "Hi, ****!" *sneers* I wonder what kind of a therapist they'd be having, and how long the therapy would take. Haha. It's funny that I am only much, much happier when I don't talk about love. Is it normal? Hell, I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to give a damn. I have accepted the fact that it always, always works better for everyone else but me. Why brooding about it? It's not the end of the world for me, eh? Never! There are still many other things I can do in the world while I am still around. Perhaps love is just not part of it. No big deal, right? Right?? Whatever. I am having fun tonight and that's for sure!:D The Author/SBF

SBF: ALL FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT!
It is going to be a busy weekend for me.:D That is alright. That is all I really want (and need) these days. All for the entertainment! I have finally bought the ticket for Arthur's Day on December 4. Well, actually my brother did that for me - with my money, of course. It is quite a long story, but I will shorten it for you. I had been trying to get to Aquarius Music Store in Mahakam, South Jakarta since Monday. (That is where people can buy the tickets.) The problem was, I was too tired to make it that far after work. Plus, Mz.D offered an invitation I couldn't refuse: sushi-time!:D Yummy. Then I woke up late on Tuesday morning. I thought I could just make it after work. To my dismay, the lady behind the counter of Aquarius flatly said that the ticket seller had gone home at seven. (I got there at 8:30.:|) My brother had to deliver the catering orders on Wednesday morning, so I tagged along with him...to East Jakarta. (Ouch, that far.) By the time we went back and were on our way to Aquarius, the horrible traffic had practically limped the streets of Fatmawati. The digital clock in the car showed 12:00. Lunch-time crowd filled the entire streets. "Give me your money and I'll buy it for you," he suddenly said. "That way, you won't have to be late for work." Panda thought I was crazy enough for attending the concert all alone (especially since it is a '21+' kind of audience with Guiness as the sponsor.) Well, he wasn't the first person to have thought so. Nothing new with that.*shrugs* Join me or let me be.:P I don't see any harm in having fun with myself alone. Of course I must always learn from past experiences. Besides, nobody will always be there for you, even when you need them so bad. That is what I have learned really hard in the past. That is what I keep on seeing. Perhaps that is what I have to accept. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about that these days. Maybe it's because I don't rely on my feelings that much anymore. I don't feel like doing so. I believe that is the only good thing that gets me through these days. Sunday is Bear's wedding in Kemang, South Jakarta.:) Of course I will be there. It is the last month of this year. I am sure some of you are preparing for your Christmas and New Year holidays. I don't make too ambitious resolutions anymore. I have had enough of disappointments.:| The ones I have are still the same like last year: 1.Earn more money. 2.Be more productive in writing. The rest is always up to God.:) The Author/SBF

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"FLY" It's your time to fly. No one should keep you grounded. You've earned this great flight. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "DON'T PATRONIZE ME!" Don't patronize me! You know nothing about me! You just think you do. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:10 pm) "PASSIVE RESISTANCE" I may keep quiet. That doesn't mean I agree with your opinion. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:10 pm)

SBF: REASONS FOR A GRIN :D
1.Believe it or not, I have got a natural (and rather odd :P) ability to...appear 10 kilograms (22 pounds) lighter than I actually am! How come? I don't know.*shrugs* When I told my friends about my recent weight (something that I will never, ever tell my own mother - knowing how she will possibly react to that!), they were genuinely surprised...and in complete disbelief. "No way." "That's what the scale said, the last time I checked." "I thought you were much lighter than that." Ha! I wish.:P I still don't know why this can happen. Perhaps it has something to do with my big bones and slight muscles from my not-so-regular workouts all those long walks. (I mean, let's just face it. I have never been and will never be petite.:P It doesn't run in my family.) 2.This is my other natural ability. For people who don't know me, it is kind of hard to tell.:P I can appear younger than my real age too.*big evil grin* It has been that way for years. When I was in college, one night I went to a club with my friends - and a bouncer still asked for my ID. I was already 21. After college graduation, I helped Mom with her catering business and one of her clients told me what a cute little girl I was. (Huh??:P) When she asked where I studied, Mom replied, "She's already graduated from college." "Oh, my. Really?" My jealous sister thought it was only because I acted childish most of the time for my age. (When in fact, she is the one who could look 26 when she just entered college.*big evil grin*) But then again, only God knows the truth. There is a significant difference between 'being mature' with 'JUST looking older'.*sneers* Some people think that my brother looks older than me too.:P Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he is taller and grows his mustache and beard. Whenever we hang out together, there are people who look at me and turn to my brother with this typical question: "Your little sister?" "Nah, she's older." When that happens, I often tease my brother,"Maybe it's a sign that you need to shave." "Yeah, yeah." *giggles* 3.I can't hardly wait for the next pay-day on Monday, because I am definitely buying a ticket to see "Arthur's Day Celebration" at Epicentrum, Kuningan, Central Jakarta. It is on December 4, starting at 6:00 pm onwards. The pre-sale ticket is only Rp 200,000. Not bad.:D I would like to see local indie rock bands Superman Is Dead and Pure Saturday - and also Rivermaya from Philippines. However, the rock band I have been wanting to see live in concert since college years is...LIFEHOUSE!:D YAY!!:D The Author/SBF

SBF: AN OLD DREAM NEVER DIES...:P
"Everywhere you go, there are stories waiting to be told. All you need to do is keep your eyes - and minds - open." (Riza Primadi) I still remember what my college lecturer said during Broadcasting Journalism.:P Ironically, I also flunked that twice I had to attend his class three times. I bet I'd confused him pretty much back then. Earlier this month, I sent a resume to the same magazine which has rejected my applications more than once before. I don't know why. Is there a thin, fine line between constant persistence with stubbornness? All I know is that they are looking for their online crews. I love writing and I am looking for a morning job as well. Plus, the bills keep coming, but that's nothing new. (Also, that is not something I'll ever share on any kind of interviews - no matter how desperate I might be. Eww.) Still, I don't feel like letting my teaching job go. Can't I do both? May I?? I know, I know.:( I am way too greedy sometimes. In the end, it is still about choices we have to make. We just can't have it all, can we? I have no regrets, though.:) I have tried my best, at least. When I was interviewed by the chief editor herself, she told me that they were looking for full-time journalists. As much as I dream about becoming one, I still have what some of you might know as work ethics. We've been running out of teachers, and one of my friends is resigning next month. I can't just quit and leave a black hole. Besides, my previous contract still ends in April...next year. Still, it's a good thing that they didn't reject me because they thought I was incompetent for the job. It is a matter of principles. However, there's a good sign as well. They have noticed my short stories in some of their previous issues. The chief editor seemed to notice just how much I enjoy writing, so she gave me an equally exciting challenge. She was asking me to create a blog (in Indonesian :P) and write about the (possibly) interesting everyday life I witness. Maybe, just maybe - I might earn a good spot in their next issues...and hopefully gain more public recognition. I am hoping for the best.:) So help me God. The Author/SBF

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"FUNNY?" Isn't it funny? I keep on chasing the time and become its tail. (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 7:45 pm) "HER LOAD" If only knew the load she has to carry on her tired shoulders... (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 8:05 pm) "THE BEAST IN HER MIRROR" How can I tell her that she deserves to be loved? She thinks she's ugly!:( (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 8:05 pm)

SBF: MOTORCYCLE MAYHEM
I have always wanted my own motorcycle. I mean, I still do. However, when I own one, I hope I don't end up doing these two things I am about to tell you: "Dude, This Ain't No L.A!" That was my very first thought when I witnessed this unpleasant incident during my last trip to Bogor. It was a clear and mild Saturday morning. My friends and I were on a public minivan on our way to IPB (Institut Pertanian Bogor - Bogor's Institute of Agricultures), when we suddenly heard a loud siren from the back. We switched our attention through the back window in unison. It was not a police car nor an ambulance. (No, it was not a coroner's minivan either, because they also use sirens when they want to deliver a body/corpse A.S.A.P to the destination. Sadly, it rarely helps them to beat the traffic.) It was just some dude riding his shiny, well-polished Harley Davidson with his chin up. (I doubt that people from L.A mostly do that too, personally. I don't know, so please enlighten me.) I got the attitude. I just didn't understand the point of seeking such attention. Then, to our surprise, the HD rider knocked over another biker from the opposite direction. The other biker managed to set foot on the ground to stop the fall, but - unfortunately - the passenger behind him was carrying a large wooden cupboard when that happened. The cupboard flew and crashed against the asphalt road. The HD rider rode off, not even bothering to look back for once. It was like, I don't know. Maybe he had left his manners at home that morning. Or perhaps he had thought that being a real bad guy was cool. Unfortunately, his irky attitude was no match to his precious ride.:P You could say that God worked pretty fast, because the next morning we saw the same HD rider being pulled over by a local police officer and...given a ticket. Talk about a quick karma...*sneers* 'Aargh!' I often ride with an ojek biker to work, especially when I am in a hurry. (Ojek: a motorcyclist who can take you to any of your destination for an amount of fee.) Honestly, I hate the traffic and sometimes I can't stand the heat outdoor, despite the fact that I have been living here all my life. It happened on Tuesday. As soon as I got off the motorcycle and paid the fare, I headed to the school building nearby. Only a couple of steps were taken when suddenly: "Aaargh!" I couldn't lift my right foot. I looked down and - to my horror - saw the motorcycle's front wheel on top of it, squeezing it to the ground. "Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I'm sooo sorry!" The pale-faced, obviously guilt-stricken ojek biker quickly backed away. My foot was now stinging. Did it break? I tried moving it carefully. It didn't hurt that much. A good sign, I guess. Thank God. "I am very, very sorry." "It's okay." I somehow managed to shrug it off, knowing it was just a rather silly accident. At least he had not run off like that HD rider in Bogor. Only then I had to rub my foot with some cajun oil, because it got swollen at night. I tried not walking too much until I got better. Oh, well. The Author/SBF

SBF: TOUR THE BOGOR
The title says it all.:) In short, I am now broke from my previous trip to Bogor, West Java last weekend. Some say it's not even an actual 'out-of-town' trip, since all you have to do is shift a few kilometres away from the south corner of Jakarta and there you are.*giggles* Still, I had fun.:) It was exhausting, but worth the trip and all the spent money. (Although...well, let's just be honest. Now I am worried about money.:| It's still a long, long way before my next pay-day.:P) Gigi, Panda, and I went together after work on Friday night. I was grateful for Panda, though.:) He's also a Bogor resident like Leese. He knows the town as much, so he can also be our reliable tour guide. (And indeed, he was.:D) We spent the night at Leese's family's house. (I mean, only Gigi and I. Panda lives with his family a few kilometres away.:P) Saturday was very hectic. We spent the whole day in IPB (Institut Pertanian Bogor - Bogor's Institute of Agricultures), where Leese studied. Her brother Denis still studies there and was also one of the committees for their English Competition that weekend. With my Broadcasting degree, they didn't put me as a judge for the spelling bee contest as planned earlier. No problem.;) They put me for the newsreading one instead. I was working with Leese and a brilliant college guy from Tasikmalaya named Ferry. Gigi and Panda were working together for the spelling bee. After the event, the committees gave us our certificates...and baby cactus!:D Aww. They are really, really cute. The one I've got is shaped like a bunny, so I ended up calling it 'Spike' - a.k.a. 'The Spiky Bunny'.:P Not very original, I know. I know they didn't pay us with money, but that's okay. It was more about the experience (and I also got to visit IPB for the very first time.:) A nice, cozy university with lots of green plants.) We spent the rest of the day at BTM (Bogor Trade Market). We had a good karaoke time and met Evelyn and her boyfriend Daniel during dinner at the food court. By the time Leese, Gigi, and I reached Leese's home, we were already too exhausted to do anything else. Gigi and I soon crashed...hard.:P Sunday was the final round. I felt sleepy all morning until Panda nudged me and offered me some coffee. Leese couldn't come because she had an exam from the online course she's taking. (Exam on Sunday.:| Wow.) I was only working with Ferry to decide on the winner. After that, Gigi and I hung out with Panda at his house for a while. We didn't plan to go home so late, since it would be more difficult to find a bus back to Jakarta. Panda has a cute hamster and a huge collection of comic books. He likes novels too, but he prefers comic books better. Gigi and I went home by bus. We separated somewhere in Sawangan. I went to have dinner alone first at eight in Gintung. I was starving that my head was spinning. By the time I reached home, it was dead quiet. Typical. I put my travel bag down and placed Spike on one of the glass tables in the living room. Then I changed my clothes and washed my face before going to sleep. Too tired. I didn't even open my eyes when Mom came in to drop some clean clothes. The Author/SBF

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"AGE AND MATURITY" Age's just a number. It doesn't always define true maturity. (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:11 am) "EWW!" Watch your mouth, Mister! This lady is disgusted with perverts like you! (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:16 am) "MY NAME" Don't call me baby! I have a name, remember? You must respect me! (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:16 am)

SBF: THE FINE 29 (DINE BUT MINUS THE WINE!:P)
Sometimes I hate myself for being so bloody weak.:( This has been a sore point since my childhood. Mom used to tell the whole world that: "If it's her sister, she can stand the whole day without a morsel. When the day ends, she then says she's hungry and eats lots. But she never gains more weight nor falls ill because of that." Good for her, then.:| When it came to talking about me, Mom would go something like this: "If she passes her meal time, she gets so pale and powerless that we have to rush for something she can eat quick - or else she'll get sick. She can't miss a meal time or else it'll be a disaster for her." Thanks, Mom.:( That's always been me. Up until now, I am still disappointed with myself. When I was a kid, some people who didn't know about this were insensitive enough. They'd make corny jokes like: "No wonder you're so fat. All you ever think about is food." Some who knew were genuinely surprised. They even refused to believe it. They'd say stuff like: "How come? I thought you were strong enough, because you're so big." Ha-ha.*sneers* I wonder if there really is a correlation between being 'big' (or 'fat', the word they prefer more often *rolls eyes*) and the ability to miss your meal time without wanting to faint. Seriously, people can be so bloody stupid and judgemental. Crash diet only leads me to ER. No shit. Been there, felt that. Enough is enough. The doctors' observations were always with the same conclusion: a drastic, sudden drop of blood pressure! Dad used to think of it as one of my unbearable weaknesses. ("You have to be strong and never show any sign of weakness.") Nothing new. I swear to you, when it happened in public, he seemed more upset and embarrassed than concerned. It was as if I'd ruined the fun or his image or some sort. So, if you are into prissy princesses who fret about their weight and only order salad and non-fat stuff for your date, then don't look for me. I am not risking my health for some sick, shallow-minded people who won't accept me for all of me. There.:P I've said it. That comes from a girl who prefers a box of chocolate over a bouquet of flowers from any guy. (Of course, silly! I don't eat flowers.*big evil grin*) Anyway, I've just turned 29 on November 4. Happy birthday to me.:D I got new shoes from my sister and my aunt. My brother was the very first person who congratulated me. Mom made her famous Javanese dish: a 'tumpeng' (consisted of coconut flavoured yellow rice, roasted chicken, spicy eggs, potato buns, some livers, and beef. Mega yummy!:D) Friday happened to be the most exhausting day of the week.:( I'd been teaching since morning. Thankfully, we shortened the five o'clock classes. It was the school's 33rd anniversary. There was a special concert in Senayan that night. Most of us went there. Unfortunately, the traffic had been hellish. Panda sat next to the driver while the ladies were squeezed in the back (Selvi, Evelynth, Pitbull, and me!) Totally cramped! Sheer torture, because I was hungry too. I'd tried to block out the feeling by joking around with them to pass the time. (Yes, we even took pictures of each other in there.*giggles*) But soon the migraine got the best of me.:( I guess that's why I didn't enjoy the night that much. Even Panda's pizza bread didn't help. It was already too late! Plus, the hot dog behind the building was ridiculously expensive. No way! I had only Rp 21,000 left in my wallet. How was the show? So so, I guess. But then, I'm never too crazy about teen, bubblegum pop princesses. I prefer rock musicians. Nothing personal, just my personal taste.:P More friends joined us. Bear. Gigi and her funny artist boyfriend Froggy. By then, I couldn't take the headache anymore. I sat leaning back against the wall and closed my eyes. I guess I must've dozed off for a while, despite the noise from the stage and the loud buzz in my ears. So dizzy.:( My eyes were photosensitive again. I half-opened them when I felt something warm draped around me. I vaguely saw our petite receptionist Indah, but could barely make out what she was saying. I noticed that it was her red jacket on me. Good. The AC in the building was too cold for my condition. After the show, I staggered outside with them, unable to think clearly. I had to concentrate repeating the words inside my head: Don't throw up. Don't faint. Do none of both... While they were still discussing where to eat for our late dinner (it was already past eleven!), one of them told me to sit down and I did. When Pitbull introduced me to a seriously handsome teacher named Reza from another branch school in Sawangan, I silently cursed myself for being too sick to give him a better first impression. But then again, so what if he found out that I found him attractive? It's not like I'm actually going to chase him or some sort. Who says only guys can be that obvious to girls, but not the other way around?:P I think I'm lucky that I've found the right friends. I must've worried Bear in his car on our way to East Lot for dinner, because I heard him telling me this: "Go to sleep, Kitty. I'll wake you up when we get there." Dinner felt like an injection of strength. Fried rice and sausages saved me!:D After midnight, Bear dropped me off in Tanah Kusir, because he still had to meet his fiancee Decee somewhere. I caught a cab straight home. I had to ditch my hang out plan with Gigi, Froggy, and their friends on Saturday night. My head was still spinning and I needed more sleep. I'd rather not risk it. The Author/SBF

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"INSENSITIVE" I have to say it. You are so insensitive. Oh, lousy leaders! (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:00 pm) "COWARD!" Running away, Sir? I am not surprised at all. That's all you do best. (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:15 pm) "YOUR FALL" Why won't you step down and face all your failures like a real man should? (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:15 pm)

SBF: INSENSITIVITY AMONG TRAGEDIES
I am really not in a good mood these days.:( I feel like raising my flag but only half a pole. My country has been mourning. If you like catching up on world news, I am pretty sure you have heard about the major flood in Wasior, West Papua. The earthquake and tsunami in Mentawai, West Kalimantan. The eruption of Merapi Mountain in Central Java, around Sleman and near Jogjakarta. And more flood in Jakarta too recently, but the last one doesn't surprise me. Shamefully, I must admit that we have never, ever really learned.*blushes* How come? Where do we go from here? Hundreds have lost their lives. Thousands have evacuated to safer spots and refugees' campsites. More are still reported missing. And so far, the numbers are still going up. First and foremost, I would like to send my greatest gratitude to everyone who have been quick and responsive enough to help and support the surviving victims. If you are one of them, I could never thank you enough. I know that I haven't done much myself. I wish I could do more. However, some people in the government here have been sadly...insensitive. Do we still need more reasons to be apathetic these days? I am not going to mention any names here. What for? I am tired. I am disgusted by their insensitivity and their sick, stupid statements on the news. So far, all they do is enrage the citizens even more - especially the surviving victims. Here are some of their dumbest, most insensitive statements: "Flood? If it's still below 30 cm (11.8 inches), why report that to me? It's still a puddle!" (That came from a guy who had claimed to be "the expert of everything - even the flood" during his election campaign to become the governor. Well, he can say it to the faces of the family who lost their college daughter. She'd been walking through the muddy water when she got accidentally dragged down into a large sewer hole and had been drowned for two hours before they finally found her dead body.*shakes head*) "It's the lousy draining system and the extreme weather that has caused the hard rain and the major flood!" (Yeah, we know that already, Sir.:| Any real solutions yet?) "If they know that place is potential for tsunami, then why did they still live there?" (Okay, I am lost. Does that mean they want to give new homes to the tsunami victims or what??) "We don't want our plan to visit Greece re-scheduled or postponed JUST BECAUSE of Merapi's eruption and the tsunami in Mentawai!" (That came from - yes, people!*rolls eyes* - The House of The Representatives.) Sorry, I know it won't change a damn thing here, but I can't pretend I am not mad right now. Please pray for us, people.:( The Author/SBF

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"STAGNATION" Stagnation is scary. It stops you from evolving, growing properly. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm) "WALK AWAY" No hard feelings, please, if I choose to walk away. I just need to grow. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm) "TICK TOCK" Nothing's forever. Make the most of each moment before time runs out. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm)

SBF: A NIGHT ON CIPULARANG HIGHWAY
My brother's girlfriend Dindi told me this story.:P She said it was based on a true event, related to early rumours about Cipularang highway. First of all, Cipularang is a highway that connects Jakarta straight to Bandung, West Java. It was built sometime around early 2000's. Since then, strange things have been happening around there... One Friday night, a family was traveling from Jakarta to Bandung. The father was driving his wife and their seven-year-old son through Cipularang. At that time, not many cars passed by. Suddenly the boy chirped: "Mommy, I need to go." "We're not there yet, sweetie," his mother calmly told him. "Just hold on a little, okay?" "But I can't," he wailed anxiously. "I really need to go." His father gave in and pulled over by the curb. The mother and the son got out of the car together. She carried her flashlight and switched it on, directing the light on the bushes a few steps ahead at the corner. The boy rushed towards them and soon disappeared behind one. "Be careful, it's dark there," his mother warned him. "And don't take too long." "Okay, Mom." Five minutes after that, the boy returned. Then the family continued their journey to Bandung. Something had changed the boy abruptly since that night. He had grown quiet and pale. He didn't want to eat nor play any games. He didn't want to buy any toys. He didn't want to do anything. His parents were worried. It was so unlike him. "I'm afraid that he might be sick," his mother told his father. "I think we should go home soon and take him to the doctor." The boy's father agreed, so they shortened their holiday. The evening after that, they drove back to Jakarta - through Cipularang. But then the same thing happened again. "Mommy, I need to go." Just like the previous night, the father gave in and pulled over to the curb. The mother and the son got out of the car. She used the same flashlight and shone it to the bushes. The boy ran towards them and soon disappeared in the darkness. "Don't take too long, okay?" "Okay, Mom." However, this time the boy didn't return. After ten minutes, his mother started calling out his name. No reply. She called out again, louder this time. Still, no reply. Feeling worried, she told her husband in the car. But when they searched the bushes, they realized to their horror that their son was nowhere to be found. Where was he? Suddenly, the father's cellphone rang. He answered it. It was from the nearest police station. An obviously concerned and suspicious officer informed them that their son was in the station. They were shocked even more. How was that possible?! The police station was so very far from where they'd stopped. When they reached the police station, they found their son sitting in there. When the boy saw them, he started crying. "Why did you leave me?" "H-how did you get here so fast?" his mother stammered. A uniformed officer stepped in to explain. "Sir, Ma'am," he said gently, "your son has been here for a couple of nights already. We found him wandering the corner of the highway alone." When the parents looked at their crying boy, an eerie sensation ran down their spines. He was still wearing the same clothes he had - the very first night they passed Cipularang... The Author/SBF

SBF: HOW TO SPOT NARCISSISM IN OTHERS, AND - OOPS! - MAYBE YOU :P
First of all I have to admit the fact that most of my people here tend to underrate the meaning of 'narcissism' or being a 'narcissist'.:P For example, with the Facebook era - where you can freely post your pictures and videos of yourself - they seem to label people (more) easily as 'narcissists'. If you are not familiar with Greek mythology, you can look up 'Narcissus' on wikipedia and google it.(Like I have.:P) I even watch "Criminal Minds" for more references, since some of their cases are inspired by the actual ones. That is why narcissism is not only socially disturbing, but can also be dangerous. You don't need to continue reading this if you are already familiar with the issue. But still, allow me to recap what I have already known so far about narcissism: 1.Mirror is their no.1 BFF.*big evil grin* It is okay to check our appearances on a regular basis. We all do that. It becomes a problem if you spend too much time admiring your own reflections instead of reflecting what truly lies within your soul.(Yes, like the original Narcissus.:P) But then again, why should a narcissist even bother what others think? In their eyes, they are always perfect that they can't hardly get their eyes off of themselves! 2.They dress immaculately. High-ends from head to feet. It is good to impress others that way, especially in the business world. It becomes real trouble when they spend more on it than how much they actually can make. Well, so what if they can look flawless on the outside and gain admiration from others? After all, that is the idea.:P 3.Narcissists can also possibly be social climbers. Like point no.2, they tend to portray themselves as better/higher/smarter than who and what they really are. They absorb their attention to those they deem as 'high-class society' and imitate the attitude. They undermine those they see as unworthy of their attention. Beware, they hate competitions. If they have to be in one, they never play fair. They can't stand the idea and fact that there are other people better than them at some points in life. They must remain the best, one way or another.*rolls eyes* 4.They are charming at first. They win friends and admirers fast and easy, but also lose them even faster and easier. This usually happens if people are soon smart enough to notice their 'other side' and start wondering what have made a narcissist so bloody attractive and interesting at the very beginning. 5.They do little stuff and demand bigger appreciations. They even play their most convincing "sincerity" card and can make you look as if you are ungrateful to them once you are not so nice to them anymore. In other words, they love playing "poor, nice victims" while you are "the bad guy". 6.Ironically, they never say thanks for your help because they don't find the need to. Even if they do, that is so rare and you can't even detect any sign of sincerity in their tone. 7.Instead of using 'please', they like telling people what to do. It is good to be king, eh? No need to feel guilty.*sneers* 8.Speaking of guilt, you can never win any argument with them. Even if you are (proven) right and they are wrong, they'd rather swallow poison to their death than saying sorry or at least admitting that you are right. If they (seem to) give in to your argument, they make your victory taste like dirt by retorting: "Fine, have it your way! Whatever you say." They don't care. For them, it is always other people's faults. 9.They demand to be loved for who they are, but never forget the mistakes you have made in the past. Once you have wronged them, no matter how often you have apologized - they will always, ALWAYS dig the same graves and shove the old skeletons at you every time you have a fight. Relevant or else, that is. 10.They lack or have no sense of empathy for others and remorse. It is all about them. The world revolves around them. It is their centre stage with a single spotlight on them. Whether there are audience or hacklers, it doesn't matter. To them, we are that dispensable. They only keep blinded fans and living tails, not honest friends with real personalities and principles. 11.Same thing when it comes to having a relationship. It is never equal, because their partner has to be less dominant/submissive. All sorts of abuse can happen behind closed doors, because no one is ever really good enough for them. Their partner must cater to all their needs and be forever thankful to them for at least noticing them in the first place. Why do narcissists still need a relationship? To appear normal in society, as if that is part of their grand achievement. 12.They only say "I love you" when you give them what they want. Only God knows what they really mean by that. As far as it shows, they only know how to love themselves, completely. 13.If they go too far like committing crimes, they make sure nobody knows. If the witnesses can put them in serious danger, they will kill them. They tend to use their best instinct: flight, instead of fight. If they are caught, they can spill out all excuses until their stock is empty - before they choose to kill themselves just to get away from their (supposedly) responsibilities. How to deal with them? If it is bloody necessary (you may determine how from the previous points above), you can break their personal mirror and force them to face their own beasts. But if they don't bother your life too much, I am sure you've got better things to do.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF

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"PRINCIPLES" I'm not a 'yes-man'. I have my own principles that I just won't break. (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 10:40 pm) "THANKLESS LOVE" What good is a love if you can't even respect the agreed commitment? (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 11:00 pm) "THE UNAPPRECIATED BLESSING" Love is a blessing, but I have seen it wasted, taken for granted. (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 11:00 pm)

SBF: DECISIONS, DECISIONS...DILEMMA(WELL, SORT OF :P)
*deep sigh* Alright, I rarely talk about my work life here - but I feel the need to do that now. Especially with what's been going on lately. Carefully, of course. That's why not everybody can read this. If you happen to be the exception(s), that means I might need your opinion. Thank you if you want to and can give it to me. If not, thanks for reading this. Recently, I turned down an offer to be a full-time teacher. (I've been a part-timer for over 2.5 years now at the same place.) Why did I do that? First of all, it has a fixed salary (while I can get higher one sometimes if I get a lot of classes in one term.) It's not as pleasant as it sounds, because you'll get more responsibilities than just teaching. You'll have to deal with the placement tests for newcomers, inventories(CDs, books, handouts,etc.),class schedules, administrative stuff...*gulps* That is just not...me, I'm afraid.:| I am not exactly neat. If you look at my desk, it often looks as if a hurricane often stops by there for a party-crash.:P It's not that I don't accept any new challenges. I know my own capability. I love teaching, but I don't think I can do bigger stuff but with rather smaller salary.(Believe me, I have checked.) Plus, I have seen how Marty and Gigi tackle everything every day. Especially when there were once three absent part-time teachers on one day. That's tough. I'm just not the right one for it. No, I have made up my mind. I'm not going to even try just for the sake of sheer curiousity. Administration is just not my thing. I might screw up if I force myself into it, even for a noble excuse like helping colleagues. Well, they seem okay with my final decision. I am starting a new term next week(I mean, tomorrow on Monday) and the same branch school at Panglima Polim also offered me to teach another morning class. I have accepted it. It's all good and usual business. Panglima Polim. That's what's been on my mind lately. I know that I have somehow made an impression that I don't plan on staying in one place forever. I am still (relatively :P) young, single, and - with all due respect - I still want to do a lot of other things in the world while I am still alive. They are offering me another challenge: to move there permanently and leave Ciputat. I have been familiar with the neighbourhood, though, where my family's restaurant used to exist a few blocks away. In fact, I am also a former student of the branch - looong time ago. I am no hypocrite.:P I do need (more) money. And yes, they do offer bigger salary with the same, part-time status. (Especially since most of the colleagues there are expatriates.) Plus, I have thankfully passed my CAE (Certified Advance English) with a 'B'. So why the second guess? *sighs* I don't know. Is feeling this way normal? Maybe it's the emotional attachment I still have to deal with. Friends I have made at work. No, they're more like my second family already. Perhaps it's about time that I took that leap. Stop playing safe. Despite the rumours about "some colleagues" there and what some say about that offer, I think I must dare myself leave the comfort zone. Start a whole new adventure. Besides, nothing always lasts forever, right? The Author/SBF

SBF:WHEN LOVE GETS TOO SPIKY AND DULL, AND IS ALSO LIKE THE DARKEST SIDE OF THE MOON :P
It is no secret that I am a love cynic these days.:P I listen to love songs with minor interest/lack of enthusiasm/major disinterest/whatever. I also prefer horror/thriller movies and TV shows over light, romantic ones. (Speaking of which, Halloween is coming and they have lots to watch on TV.*big evil grin* I don't celebrate, just enjoy the excess of it.) No, I am not saying that with a sense of (icky) pride.:P It is just a regular statement with lack of emotions involved. Besides, if you have ever been in my shoes when it comes to love department, I am sure you would know that feeling too much about a lot of things (and also people) always has a risk of getting yourself hurt in the end. You can say I am also a skeptic and I won't argue with that. I don't need any of that. I deserve better. I know I do. That is why focusing on more logical things feel much safer.:) There are a lot of things I still want to do. Traveling. Writing more and earning more from it. Singing and going indie with it.(My songwriting skill still sucks badly and I must re-learn playing some musical instruments.:P) Hunting for scholarships, even if it is only for a three-month course. Getting a higher college degree too. Learning another foreign language while advancing my English skill. You see, there are a lot of other positive things we can do in the world while we still have the time, energy, and enthusiasm. Chances we can find. Anything. Come to think of it, sometimes love isn't that bad when it comes to taking care of yourself - always. I should never, ever forget my old principles. Never rely your true happiness on other mortals, no matter how kind they all seem and despite the sweet words they ever tell you. It is not an issue of distrust of paranoia. It is how reality works. True love only comes from God. Things change. So do people. It is unavoidable. There is no use in wondering why. All you can do is survive - alone or else.*shrugs* Why am I writing this topic again, although I have tried avoiding it for damn too many times already? I guess I can't ignore the 'signs', or whatever the hell you'd like to call them. I have already killed the romantic side of me long ago, and I don't know if she'll ever come back to life. I am one of the so many late twenty-something, single ladies in Indonesia who (have to) struggle against society's biased perception and judgement out there. Hell, I will turn 29 next month and I just want to live free as me.:P Some other ladies have complained to me that it's not easy. I know. I suppose that's always been the idea for this whole thing. I have watched some of them giving into social demands about 'what women their age are supposed to do', despite their true principles. They tie the knots despite what truly lies within their hearts. It is all about what other people think of them if they are still single.(As if it is even such a hideous crime. Ugh.*rolls eyes*) Yes, society can be cruel and judgemental. They can also be highly insensitive and irresponsible to the feelings of their favourite bullying targets. Even local author/feminist Ayu Utami wrote in one of her essays:"Old maids(unmarried women) tend to act bitchy on other women - especially the beautiful and the married ones - because they have social scars inflicted by biased society." And a bigger part of 'that' society still thinks it is their fault.*sneers* I know there never is a good reason for being bitchy, but what happens to 'listening to both sides of the story'? I also know a girlfriend who just can't stand loneliness.:P It's like, she has to have a boyfriend in order to make herself feel happy and self-worthy - or else she feels miserable as hell.*rolls eyes* That is why she somehow puts up with being mistreated by one jerk after another. Why, oh, why? No idea.*shrugs* I am not a hypocrite. Sometimes loneliness sucks, although some people choose the easy way out by assuming that I am some freaky, stuck-up Miss Independent who needs no one at her side.(Nothing new.) Then again, so what? I have never asked for any of this shit. I have always tried my best, but still it was never really (good) enough. Love has never really given me a chance. Meanwhile, I can still do something constructive and more productive.:)*shrugs* Okay, so the movie called "Eat, Pray, Love" is out now, based on an autobiography of (and by) Elizabeth Gilbert. I know Julia Roberts is the leading lady. There are also Billy Crudup, Javier Bardem(sp?), James Franco, and also my favourite local actress Christine Hakim.:D Gigi said the movie paced too slow and boring - even for a drama. I have read the review, but am not that interested to read or watch it.(Well, unless for Christine Hakim, that is.) Although I admire her independent spirit (especially with her traveling decisions), I can't help but wonder: Is it true that love can always make you happy? Is it really everything? Is it even enough? I have also read Samuel Mulia's latest column where his colleague shares him this quote: "Relationship is not about how much love you build at first, but how much love you will have gained in the end." Oooh...*shudders* How come that sounds creepier than horror movies?:P Oh, wait. I was just making a lame joke. A colleague also once asked me this funny question: "Which would you prefer - a physical pain or a heartbreak?" I blinked. Nobody wants to get hurt but...well... "What's your choice?" "Heartbreak." Oh. "Why?" "Because I can find the cure from praying to God," she said cheerfully. "I couldn't stand my bloody wounds from my previous motorcycle accident. They hurt like hell." She's deadly right about the cure thing (although it often takes forever.:|) "What about you?" I sighed. "If I scrape my knee, I can instantly see and fix the problem right away," I reasoned. "It cures a lot faster too. Plus, I can only blame myself for not being careful enough." Heartbreak? I can't always locate the exact pain. They say time always heals, but what if I'm sick and tired of waiting for it to heal? What if I'm sick and tired of the same old results in the end? Besides, no one has prescribed any pills for that. We've only got loads...for heart-attacks. The Author/SBF

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"THE ANNOYING QUESTION" "Where is your boyfriend?" I wish they would just come up with better questions. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 10:15 pm) "WRONG ABOUT ME" You think you're all that. Girls are crazy about you. You're wrong about me. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 10:55 pm) "ME VS. THE PLAYER" He's just full of games. Too bad I'm not in the mood to play all of his. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 11:00 pm)

SBF; NOT YOUR TYPICAL CHICK-LIT/FLICK HEROINE :P
It's been two weeks since that fateful Saturday night - a week before the rock concert (October 2).:P I can still remember that solitary moment, when time seemed to stop and stand still. I'd wanted to write this sooner, but...well, you know how it is.:P Other things always get in the way. At last, here we are. No distractions. A week before the rock concert, I watched "Resident Evil:After Life" with Gigi, Uthie, and Uthie's sister Chacha in Blok M. The movie was...well, okay. Despite 'Wonderhunk' Wentworth Miller and the Matrix-like special-effects, it was lack of zombies in real action.:P Plus, the projector had gone dead in the middle that I personally had to storm outside the door to notify the gatekeepers about it before the audience might've started lashing out and thrashed the place. Believe me, I've been living here for far too long that anything (like that) could happen.:P Better safe than sorry. My friend Lovely Tony wondered how strange it is that people in Jakarta love hanging out at 7-11.*big evil grin* "It's a convenient store," he stated. Well, convenient enough for some people here, because by the time the girls and I got there - the place was really packed with costumers. That was when I caught a sight of him. (No, not Lovely Tony.:P) I was sitting with the girls by the window, while he was standing outside at the parking lot. A tall, short dark-haired hunk with light complexion. He was in his dark denim jacket and jeans. The smile on his face lit up his entire surroundings. That was when time seemed to stop and stand still. Praise The Lord!:O One of His Greatest Works of Arts existed right there, right in front of me. Hehe.:P The voices around me grew fainter. For a moment, I forgot my hot dog on the table - next to my resting hand. It was as if no one else had existed but he and I. The ordinary girl by the window the prince charming outside the store. The heroine and the object of her admiration. Any cheesy romance writers could start a very typical tale from such prologues. If this were your typical chick-lit/flick, you'd get the romantic expectation. He'd look up at the window and notice her gazing at him. Then he'd smile at her and she'd smile back, trying to hide her genuine surprise that someone like him would ever notice someone like her. It would feel like a rare miracle. After that, he'd probably walk in to find her. From there, the story would continue to blissful cliches. From the simple introduction, they'd no longer become strangers to each other. And finally, they both lived happily ever after and their love story would become just another Hollywood romance blockbuster. Yaay.*applauses and whistles* Ha-ha.*sneers* However, this is the real life. I am not your typical chick-lit/flick heroine. I am just a regular girl-next-door who goes unnoticed - well, most of the time.*shrugs* It's not about being insecure, just a realistic observation to the same old situation. No bitterness intended, no complaints.:P "Bee," Gigi's voice shattered my fantasy. Back to the real world for good. "Don't stare too deep and too long like that. He knows." Indeed, he did. Of course, with that killer looks of his, he'd have the confidence and conscience that girls would always, always have their eyes on him. But that night, his smile was only for the slim, sexy and exotic-looking babe standing right in front of him. She had long, thick dark hair tied in a simple bun. Her oversized brown top revealed her left shoulder. There was a dragon tattoo on her back. The girl with the dragon tattoo. (No, nothing like Stieg Larsson's heroine Lisbeth Salander.:P) She was wearing black shorts that showed off her slender legs - something that I may never have the courage to do for the rest of my adult life. (Well, unless it involves playing squash.:P) Of course, why would he ever really notice me?:P A friend of mine once told me that the problem with guys is that they don't look that deep - and I think I have to believe that. Especially when she was the real hot stuff. I knew that already. In fact, I've always known. That's how it always works - right here in my real world. They left the parking lot together. Again, if this were your favourite-but-too-damn-typical chick-lit/flick, you could hope for another encounter - a scripted coincidence to please the audience.*sneers* This is the real world and I may never see him again. As if I care.*shrugs* We were just strangers which crossed each other's paths for one night. Expect no sequels from there. Still, it's never a crime to enjoy such a great view - while you still can.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF

SBF:JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2010 (0CT0BER 9)
I meant to post this sooner, but my busy schedule's been getting in my way. Before I began, I must assure you on one thing: I swear to you, I didn't order any Carlsberg beer that night - although they did serve that in one of their stalls at the rock concert.:| The rock concert? Yes, that's what I'm about to tell you here.:P Before the rock concert: You see, it was actually a three-day concert - Woodstock's style or some sort. I'd gone there last year on August with Gigi. (She'd only chosen Friday to see Melee and Vertical Horizon, while I carried on alone on Saturday for Mr.Big!:D) It had been marvelous and I'd been pretty well myself. This year? Gigi and I had bought the tickets for Saturday shows only the month before. We had to choose the most convenient time, because we had to work late on Friday. They still had it in Ancol, North Jakarta, so it is always one hell of a long ride there on weekend nights. (That's why I had to give up watching Smashing Pumpkins.) Sunday? It would've been too exhausting to prepare for work on Monday. Based on my last year's experience, staying up late for two nights in a row is not a good thing. So, bye bye Di-rect.:| Unfortunately, I had flu a few days earlier. Not good.:( Obsessively, I'd been trying to cure myself as quick as possible with a combination of paracetamol, honey, and caffeine (to avoid feeling drowsy from the drug.) The rock concert (October 9 - early October 10): I bumped my left elbow painfully against the bus' steely window frame.:( It had stung a few hours before turning into a purplish swell. Somehow, the pain was also strangely transferred into my right brain, but I'd shrugged it off. Maybe it was just my imagination. I've never been good at science anyway. I met Gigi at three pm at Blok M's bus terminal. We took two hours of bus rides to Ancol. Since the food stalls on Carnival Beach during concert would be ridiculously expensive, we decided to have an early dinner at a small dine-in near the bus stop. French fries and iced tea for me and iced tea for Gigi, because she brought her own meals in her lunchbox - rice and fried noodles. We got there at around seven at night. Slank was still performing on the main stage and the field was filled with so many people, stalls, and stages. More sponsors were involved this time, I suppose. We even got to their internet booth to post a (positively expected) comment about the concert on either our Twitter or Facebook account for free snacks.:D We watched Dashboard Confessional after The Sigit. I'm not much of a fan, but I think they were okay. Obviously they couldn't stand the heat that they were sweating. Even the lead singer took off his gray fedora hat to start fanning his guitar player.*giggles* Funny. Of course, I only know "Don't Wait" and "Vindicated" (the OST of "Spiderman".) Better than nothing, I suppose.:P Arkarna started at the next stage after just fifteen minutes of silence. Ollie the singer burst out on stage, singing while shooting the audience with his I-Phone. (Obviously, because later he told us that he'd be posting that on his Twitter.:P) They were very friendly and expressive. They even tried speaking in Indonesian by saying things, like: "Terima kasih!"(Thank you!), "Apa?"(What?), and even "Kalian semua gila!"(You guys are crazy!) "Eat Me" and "So Little Time" reminded me of the fun, teenage years.:) "Life Is Free" and "Rehab" also reminded me of the exciting, adventurous college years.:D After that, we moved back to the previous main stage for Stereophonics. Despite their lack of engaging communication to the audience, they had performed fantastically. Well, at least the lead singer still made a small talk like "Hello!", "Thank you!", and even stuff like "Okay, our next song is..." (Later, I heard that Billy Corgan wasn't being friendly to the audience at all.:| What a buzzkill.) I only know "Local Boy In The Photograph", "Maybe Tomorrow", "Dakota", and "Mr.Writer". The tall, slim, blond Caucasian guy standing next to me kept singing along, clapping his hands, and smiling. I guess his enthusiasm had effected me, because I ended up doing the same through their entire performance. I met my college friend's ex-boyfriend Aki when we watched Japanese techno-rock band Galaxy 7. Aki is a lead singer and guitar player for local rock band Alexa (which unfortunately for me, was scheduled to perform on Sunday night at nine.:|) After graduation, we sometimes cross each other's paths at concerts. I am still amazed with the fact that a popular guy like him always remembers someone like me.:O We chatted for a while before he took off with (his girlfriend?) Audrey. That was when I suddenly felt cold. It was already past midnight and we were on the northern shore of Jakarta. I put on my coat and scarf, but I was still shivering.:( There were annoying thumps inside my head. The blinking special-effects on stage...wait, my eyes weren't usually that photosensitive. After the end of the show, Gigi and I walked outside the gate. That was when my legs suddenly went weak like jelly. Gigi sat me down at the corner, but then I could only remember mumbling sorry before everything went dark. After that, the rest was kind of blurry. A hand touched my abdomen and I winced. My eyes opened again. Two security guards were hovering close with a worried Gigi.:( One was pressing my palm the way a reflexologist does. But then I bent down and puked my guts out on the dry gutter, Gigi pressing the back of my neck. Shit. People were passing by and staring at us, probably wondering whether I'd drunk too much and hit the jackpot because of that. (Ha-ha.*sneers*) I felt my stomach empty again and told Gigi that I needed something to eat. It was probably sometime around two in the morning when we got to the nearest McDonald's. It wasn't as busy as I'd thought, only a few people were occupying some tables. And I'd thought eating would've helped me to feel a bit better. Then I had to rush to the toilet and...there went the rice and fried chicken. My face was ghastly pale in the mirror. Thankfully, Gigi spotted a blue taxi parked near McD's. I agreed when she insisted that we go home before I got worse. Forget watching the sunrise at the beach.We rode together in the back. She told me to rest my head on her lap and I obeyed. I fell into a restless sleep for a while, until something cold and piercing in my stomach woke me up again. I sat, but my head refused to stay up. I heard Gigi saying that I should rest again, but then I felt another tight clog in my throat, threatening to explode again. Oh, no. Before I could ask the driver to pull over, I threw up again for the third time - successfully on the carpet, my feet, and my shoes. Yuck.:( Luckily, we were almost home, but I instantly felt bad to the driver and poor Gigi who still had a long way home to Pamulang.*blushes* At least I still remembered to pay for my share of fare (and extra for the vomit-stained carpet.) Then I staggered to the locked front door after the cab left. I dialed Mom's cellphone to ask her to let me in. She didn't say anything, but I was sure she'd smelled what I did. She just told me to change my clothes while she was fixing a cup of warm tea for me. Damn...:(*blushes* After the concert: I lost half of Sunday in bed, with my PJs on and a blanket. Hangover. At least, I've gone back to work without a scratch. Most importantly, Gigi was my saviour that night.:P The Author/SBF

MONSTERS ON YOUR GLASSY SCREEN
This is no mythology, dear princess. You can see for yourself on your television screen or incessantly uploaded pictures all over the internet. It's been overly discussed by those in fear and disgust: What's going on with this country? Never mind... Only fairy-tales have happy endings. I understand that you're numb. It's reality, you see? No prince charming, no knight in shining armour, only a mere illusion named 'security and comfort'. The monsters have freely roamed. No, not vicious dragons with thick scales and claws, only freaks who imitate men with sharp swords and their thirst for human blood... (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 6:00 pm)

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"MISSING AN OLD FRIEND" I miss you, old friend. I hope you rest in peace there, while the world goes on. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 3:55 pm) "MR.BIG MOUTH" Mister, watch your mouth. You need to think it over, before talking loud. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 4:00 pm) http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2010/09/30/tifatul-sembiring-makes-jokes-aids.html "THE BLOODBATH" The bloodbath that day has reminded all of us that monsters exist. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 4:05 pm) http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2010/10/03/three-men-involved-deadly-ampera-clash-arrested.html

SBF: DEAR PUMPKIN
Dear Pumpkin, I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of you again. Maybe it's because October 2 was (supposed to be) your birthday. If you were still around, you'd be 28 by now. No, I'm not sad for you or anything like that. I haven't even dreamed of you again in a long time. But my cousin Andin did. She told me that the last time we met. She couldn't recall the details, because it was all too vague. I told her that maybe you wanted us to remember and pray for him there. I'm sure you remember her.:) You guys went to the same high school, along with CB, Yayee, and Rera. Then you met me and Dave in college. How are they? The last time I met your mother at your funeral, she told me that Rera was with her husband in Pakistan. I'm still trying to track her down online. I hope somebody has told her about you. I saw Yayee at your funeral too. She said she'd been divorced with that guy we knew. (What's his name again, btw? Donny?) Honestly, I never really liked him. There was something off about him. You could say it was just my instinct, knowing how sweet you'd always been.:) I'd never told you about one incident right after your birthday party at T-Box Cafe that night. You'd been busy chatting and laughing with the girls. I remember telling you guys that I'd be walking home alone, since Grandpa's house was only a block away. You know me, Pumpkin.:) I'd always been one of your favourite independent girls. Then Donny said something about how inappropriate it was for girls to do that. I glared at him angrily and pointed out that I'd always prayed and been careful so far. Besides, it was only a block away, for God's sake! I could take care of myself. (And I still do, thank God!) I know how to watch out. "You were just lucky," he snarled, and I'd wanted to punch him in the face for that. I mean, who the hell did he think he was?:( However, I caught myself just in time when I saw how happy you'd been that night. Why would I have ever ruined that? I never had the heart to. Still, you know how it is with me and guys like that.*scoffs* Ugh.*rolls eyes* Dave is still...well, Dave.*shrugs* The boy is still the same. I don't know. The last time we met (also at your funeral), he said he'd grown cold and heartless. I didn't know why he said that, but I just didn't buy it. We both know he's denied a lot of things before. I know he's just afraid to get hurt, although he'll never ever admit it openly - even by force. So am I, Pumpkin. Emotional attachment to special people has always been the most beautiful yet also the scariest for me. We all know what can happen if it doesn't end too well on my side. Believe me, I have known too damn well of it. That's why I still can't shake off this feeling of indifference. Only God can help me, because I don't want to be like Dave.:( CB is well and happy with her husband Dewa Bear and two kids.:D She deserves that. Btw, Andin's got married too - and is also becoming a new mother soon.:) Isn't that amazing? After her father's funeral last year, God gave her two reasons to smile again.:) You'd like Angga. He's mature and gentle. Do you still remember the funny, ridiculous pact we made in college? That if we both turned 30 and still single, we'd move somewhere abroad and live together - so that we could be like "Will and Grace"?*giggles* You'd chosen France, but my French sucked (and still does :|) - so you gave in and agreed on New York. You said you'd always wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and stroll around Manhattan like your favourite girl Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and The City".:P I'd like to see The Metropolitan Museum and the public libraries. Maybe Central Park too.:) "Can I bring boyfriends home?" you'd also jokingly asked me. Of course I said no.:P When you asked why, my answer had been straight to the point: "If he were a bi and interested in me too, that would be trouble." After that, we both cracked up laughing like crazy.*big evil grin* Anyway, look where we are now. I guess I'll have to do things on my own. I mean, I've always been. That's never really been a serious problem to me, so I still wonder why some people find me strange. You had always known my real problem. It's never been the solitude. I admit that it hurts like hell sometimes, but I can still manage. There are a lot of things that we can do in this world, whether we are alone or else. Not many people can accept my point of view, but you'd always been the most understanding. You were one of the few who did understand me inside and out - and not everyday you can really find a friend like that. Speaking of that, I'd also never told you that at first, Mom wouldn't let me be friends with you and Dave.:( She was afraid that I'd get a hard time finding a boyfriend - for most people still have problems accepting gays in society. That was long before she'd ever got to know you too and saw how sweet you were. Now she knows that wasn't the case. I mean, look at the girls.:) I kept telling her no need to worry, because I never see that as the end of my world. Besides, I know how it feels to be judged.:| I never wanted to do that to you boys. I love you and I am no God. You once told me that I was lucky that nobody was condemning me for ever loving a man. I don't know, Pumpkin. You said I'd always been tough and somehow, I feel like disappointing you all over again and I hate it.:( There are a lot of other things I'm really good at, but I'm not sure I want to deal with the same old pain again. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that love and I don't get along that well. They can call me a quitter or a coward, but they have no idea. I've just had enough of it. Once again, only God can change my mind. I am counting on Him for that. I'm tired and bored to death with it. Don't worry, it's not going to kill me that easy. You know me much better than that. Rest in peace. love, Your Tomboyish Pal

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"NO IDEA" I just fell silent when he asked me whom I love. I have no idea. (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 9:45 pm) "A QUESTION OF FAITH (ON LOVE)" Love's been dark and mean. Are you sure you want to go where it's left you cold? (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 10:00 pm) "YOUR SWEET-NOTHINGS" All your sweet-nothings; they can't win me that easy. Do something better! (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 10:05 pm)

SBF:THE BUFFET TABLES AND (TYPES OF) GUESTS
If you happen to attend weddings a lot, you may notice how guests behave differently...towards the buffet tables. You can tell the types from what's on their plate...or not on it at all: 1.The Vultures and Scavengers: They are the true omnivores. The rather intimidating part is how they seem to be really, really starving. Although they still manage to keep their normal courtesy with the newlyweds, there is a drastic change of behaviour once they lay eyes on the buffet tables. They eat as if they will never get the chance to eat again another day. Some don't even bother to queue in politely. Don't waste your energy giving them an angry look, because they usually don't care. They only worry about not getting to eat all on the buffet tables. When they do, they stack lots of their plate. They act as if there are no people waiting in line behind them. In fact, right after they finish up to the last bite, they always go back for seconds, thirds, and...well, you can look away if you have a weak stomach.:P 2.The Picky-Eaters: They tend to play - I mean, eat - safe. Whether by doctor's strict order ("Eat more veggies because your cholesterol level is too high!") or else, they usually stick to only the same set of menus. If it is all about familiarity, you have to persuade them really, really good to make them try something new. Otherwise, they will go back to the same menus for seconds, only because it is familiar to them. If it has something to do with doctor's order, you can see the unhappy look on their faces as they stare gloomily at their plate. If not, they are probably just picky - for other reasons we needn't know.*big evil grin* 3.The Non-Eaters: Need to say more about this type? Look for a skinny girl who upsets her boyfriend at weddings because she won't even look at the buffet tables. Is it something to do with her diet? Perhaps, she worries about her modeling career. Other reasons? Perhaps some of this type have already eaten some place else before attending the wedding. Perhaps they have got somewhere to go after that, so that is why they can't stay long. Illness factor? Maybe.*shrugs* 4.The Mild Munchkins: They generally enjoy food, but not the way vultures and scavengers do.*big evil grin* Their main interest in attending a wedding is to socialize with people around them. Typical social butterflies. For them, the buffet tables are more like a background. They do grab a bite or two, but if their favourite menu happens to run out, they will shrug it off. It doesn't matter. They can still get that somewhere else. Besides, they prefer a nice conversation...and drinks. 5.The Food Critics: Beware, be prepared. If you own a catering business for weddings, you ought to watch out for them. They come to search for references. (Maybe, they are about to have another wedding soon.) They try each menu on the buffet tables and scrutinize the setting. If they like what they taste, they don't usually express it that much. If they frown, you can start to worry, because they are also the kind to spread the word out. Obviously, they always ask for the caterer's business card. 6.The Free, Culinary Adventurers: They love food, but they don't eat like hogs. They just won't waste their chance on free, fancy meals they don't usually get on a regular basis. Why not? After all, they are invited! Some are sensibly calculative, but not picky. They take a little bit of everything onto their plate. After tasting each, they usually decide which they like best. They do go back for seconds, but they don't forget about other people - in this case, friends they bring to the wedding. They like sharing and promoting what they like. They usually tell you something like this with a smile:"You should go over to that table, because the pasta is delicious!" Still, they know how to draw the line. If their stomach can't handle more, they simply stop. They know they can't eat all overnight. It is all about taking chances, not hunting like scavengers! *giggles* So, which one are you?:P The Author/SBF

SBF:AN OPEN LETTER TO SAMUEL MULIA*
Dear Sam, I always wait for your "Parody" column in Kompas every Sunday. Your writings have always inspired me personally. They are witty, honest, and downright sarcastic at times. Not everybody can accept the harsh, brutal honesty and you simply write it as it is. I have found myself connected with your last topic "Trying". Once again, you were brave enough to reveal your vulnerability as you spoke of your bitter past. Many choose to pretend it never existed, but we both know how denial can do to you. You are not the only one. I grew up a disappointment to my father, mostly. Even when I was in kindergarten, nobody had bothered to at least try to understand me. I hardly acted like their expectations of 'what a normal kid my age should behave', so I got into a lot of troubles. In the end, one teacher even suggested that my parents seek a child therapist/psychiatrist for me, because I had abnormally been such a handful. However, both my still working parents refused that, either believing that I was not that 'bad' - or they feared what might have been revealed about me if they had chosen that. I was also never an ace student. They all praised my older sister for her better grades a lot in the same schools and wondered more about me. Why? Why couldn't I be more like her? What was wrong with me? What was so wrong about me? I had to admit that those questions had haunted me for years. Sometimes, if I am not careful enough with myself, they can still creep in to distract me. Just like you, I got the same reaction from my father. "Other kids can do that and get better grades. Why can't you?" was one of his favourite lines thrown at me. Even when I had tried my best, he still thought I was not trying hard enough. He would have only acknowledged my success if the results had satisfied him - not my efforts. I had never heard him or anyone else tell me that at least I had done my best in class. Honestly, I hate how Indonesians still categorize forms of subjects these days. Believe me, Sam, some things have not really changed here - even after John Gardner's theory on multiple intelligences has been introduced. They still think only students who ace in math and sciences (chemistry, physics, and biology) are the smart and successful ones. What about those who are good at social studies (economy, anthropology, sociology, and history)? What about those who marvel in arts and literature? Why do many people here still see them as less important, less smart, and less successful? Don't they know that back in the old age, Ibnu Sina (or Avicenna, by Western tongue) was not just into math and medicine, but also wrote poetry? Don't they even care? Aren't they aware that geography is actually a beautiful mixture of math, science, and social studies? A friend of mine believes that all forms of subjects are actually connected to one another. So do I. Wouldn't it be so nice if all were equally appreciated, in order to make a better world and tear down all unnecessary exclusions? So we all can help each other and avoid such ugly arrogance towards one another. Still, it is one hell of a long road over there, my friend. But we never stop trying, do we? There is always even a glimmer of hope, for as long as we breathe. As a teacher, I still sense some of my teenage students' on-going frustrations about how their parents push them so much to become something by their standard of success - often without giving them a break and realizing their true potentials. When I ask the students about what they want to be when they grow up, I still hear: "My parents want me to be..." Then I have to repeat my questions with a little emphasis: "No, what do YOU really, really want?" After all, it is their life. Soon they will have to stand on their own feet and make decisions for themselves. Parents cannot always be around for them, even when they want to. Nobody can. That is just life. We have seen it a lot, but sadly still - not many of us dare take a stand and do something about it. Make a difference, even a little. Because of the goal-orientation thing, the process is often barely appreciated nor even recognized. Students cheat on exams to get their top grades without fully grasping the true essence of the knowledge. People tend to take the easy way out at work, so that is why corruption never fades - especially in the government. Those who earn quick and easy - often without having to try too hard at all - tend to take things for granted and have a harder time accepting failures and rejections if they are not careful. I refuse to believe that nice guys who finish last are all-time losers, because I have seen most of them who still accept failures and appreciate their journey, their efforts at least. After all, don't we all have to start from nothing to become something? I understand that not everybody can escape their past scars easily. That is not something shameful to admit - we all have that. All good things take time. Actor Jeremy Piven (who started gaining recognition at the age of 40 while his actor best friend John Cusack has started a lot earlier) once said to Glamour:"You bloom when you are ready." I believe that also means that we create our own trajectory and measure our own success. Not them, not anyone else. Each of us has our own role to fulfill. Good or bad, it all starts from us. I think we are right where we are today. They cannot hurt us anymore, unless we let them. Believe it or not, I am certain that your writing has inspired people who read it. Maybe, just maybe - somewhere out there, there are parents who think deeply about what you have written and carefully pick their words before communicating with their children. Cheers and keep on writing. love, The Author/SBF *Samuel Mulia is a weekly, feature columnist in Kompas newspaper.

DIA MENCINTAIMU (S(HE) LOVES YOU)
Ingin tahu tentangnya saat kau tak ada? Akulah mata-mata sempurna. Saksi tanpa banyak kata. Butuh beberapa detik saja untuk mengenali sorot matanya saat kau hengkang sementara. Bagiku sebentar saja karena (kutahu) kau takkan lama. Baginya? Jangan tanya. Sabar menanti, namun gelisah tetap di hati. Kapan kau kembali? Nah, itu dia! Akhirnya kau tiba juga. Meski senyumnya biasa, dia tidak bisa menipuku. Matanya tampak baru terbebas dari rindu. Jadi, masih ragu-ragu? Inilah kesaksianku. Want to know about him/her while you're not around? I am the perfect spy. A silent witness. A few second it takes to recognize his/her gaze while you're away for a while. For me, just a moment knowing you won't be long. For him/her? Don't ask. S(he) patiently awaits, with a heart that wonders: "When are you coming back?" There s(he) is! You've finally arrived! His/her smile restrained, but I'm not fooled. The longing has escaped his/her misty eyes. So, any second guess? May this testimonial put your doubts to rest. (Jakarta, September 20, 2010)

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"THE ROMANTIC VS. THE SKEPTIC" He's trying to write what she's chosen to avoid: these romantic tales. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:25 pm) "A WRONG PAIR OF EARS" Please, stop complaining! She is not responsible for your loneliness. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:50 pm) "A JEALOUSY-FREE DAY" A day of real peace without stupid jealousy. That is what he needs. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:55 pm)

SBF: MY LACK OF SYMPATHY?
Perhaps I am not always a good friend. Well, I am only human. I am well-aware of that. Maybe it is my impatience when it comes to (dealing with) nagging whiners. You know, people who love complaining a lot - on and on - about their recent situation. (Why? Only God knows.*shrugs*) Especially people who - ugh!*rolls eyes* - feel sad about their single status. (I mean, what is so bad about it anyway?) Let's say, I have this friend of a friend (whom I am not going to mention any name here.:P) He's a man in his early thirties, all quiet and sweet, almost nondescript - the kind who doesn't easily stand out in the crowd. (I know it's harsh, but also the truth. I am also not that striking anyway.:P) We came across each other online recently and had this pretty intense chat: Him:"Hey, how was your holiday?" Me:"Mostly staying home, taking care of Dad, and dealing with housework. You?" Him:"I visited Jogjakarta, Solo, and the rest of West Java alone." Me:"Cool.:D" Him:"Only one thing is missing, though." Me:"What?" Him:"A girlfriend.:(" Me:(mutters to self:"Not today, please!") "Dude, relax.:P I am still single too and I am okay with it." Him:"Me too." Me:"Then why ':('?" (waits for a responds) "Man, if I were you, I'd have written something interesting with a West Java setting." After all, Tiger's right - everybody can be a storyteller if they want to. Everyone is.:) Him:"I'd love to, but I have no motivation." Me:(grows impatience and annoyed)"Well, don't make that a habit. Soon you'll have to start motivating yourself." Him:"I know, but I am weak. I always need someone to motivate me.:(" Me:"Well, that's not even an excuse! If you keep relying on people like that, will you blame them if anything goes wrong in your life? Is it their fault?" Him:"No!" Me:"Good. Never let your spirit die." Him:"I still have it!" Me:"Good." In the end, he simply thanked me for the 'motivation' before he logged out. Phew!*deep sigh of relief* Even so, I believe that I must've shocked him pretty bad with my rather harsh, blunt responses. I mean, what did he expect from me, anyway? A sympathy? A solution? Both maybe? Why did he make it such a big deal? Maybe I am a mean-spirited love cynic, but that's because I don't get along with love lately. Why? I've been thrown off with the same result, and - for now - I am in no mood to deal with it at all. Am I lonely? As hell, yeah. But I am still normally functioning, so there's no serious damage to worry about, is there? I know that not all people can take it. Once again, sometimes it doesn't matter whether you're this really nice person or not. If it's not the time yet, then it's just not, okay? Perhaps for some people, it has to happen that way. Why? Maybe, just maybe...God wants them to never take things for granted. So, if one day it happens - you will never ever take it for granted, because you don't earn that easy. There is nothing wrong about being single. I thought life was supposed to be how you make the most of it - whether you're alone or with someone else. I thought it was supposed to be about becoming a better person, even without somebody else to tell you so. Not everybody will always be around for you, remember? Oh, God.:( I sound like my parents so much. And I've already made a promise to myself not to talk about depressive things. Since love only makes me think of something dark and gloomy, I'd better move on to better things.:P Ookay, back to being 'SBF'.;) The Author/SBF

SBF: THE COMMON, STEREOTYPICAL JUDGEMENTS
I know this stuff is already way, way too old. I know some of you good people out there will tell me to drop this subject and move on. I mean, shallow-minded idiots exist for a reason. They are perfect examples from God, so we won't become as horrible as they are. However, how do we know we're not already one of them? As far as I know, here are a list of common, stereotypical judgements about certain 'types' of people: What they generally think of fat/heavy/overweight people: 1.Their lives must revolve around food, food, and once again...food. 2.They always eat like a hog. ("Have you eaten enough yet?" once a relative asked me that at a party.*rolls eyes*) 3.If they eat less, people quickly assume they're on a diet. 4.They're lazy slobs and dislike working out. (I know some who hit the gym regularly - and I play squash and am planning to join kickboxing classes soon!) What they generally think of thin/skinny people: 1.They must be sick. ("I hate it when people tell me I look thin," confessed my friend Patrick. "It's like they're telling me that I look sick.") 2.They have eating disorders. (This has infuriated my other friend Roland. I know, that sucks.) 3.They have AIDS. (Same thing with number two above.) 4.They must be on drugs. (Same thing again.) What they generally think of slim/well-built people: 1.God is being unfair. (Hey, watch it!:|) 2.They must be on steroids. 3.Their main interest in life must be how to look good all the time. 4.They don't have to try hard and always have a better, much easier life. (Seriously, can people be this jealous and insecure?) We all know there is nothing we can really do. Some people choose to stay idiots, and - sadly - that is their civil right. We'll just have to worry about ourselves, because - if you happen to do at least three from each list above, then you might be in trouble for becoming a shallow-minded idiot. The Author/SBF

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"LUCKY YOU" You are so lucky. You got to fly overseas and found your loved one. (Jakarta, September 15, 2010 - 12:35 pm) "ALPHA MALES" She's no idiot. There's no way they'll notice her. They're out of her league. (Jakarta,September 15, 2010 - 12:45 pm) "ALPHA FEMALES" You know it's unfair. They say I will look better if I copy you. (Jakarta, September 15, 2010 - 12:45 pm)

SBF: MALLS= PUBLIC (FASHION) RUNWAYS?
You know, there are advantages in not being an alpha female.:P I'm not trying to cheer myself up whatsoever, but this is just my point of view. I get to blend in the crowd and disappear (although not literally.:P) No strangers will notice me that much. (Or I simply don't care as I wish.*shrugs*) From there, I get to have my own peace of mind - even in the noisy crowd. I also get to be the silent witness to my surrounding(s). I get to watch people a lot...in malls. I've been living here for over two decades. It has changed rapidly. Some say it's people's lack of appreciation for history (alias old, historical sites and buildings!) Our documentation on that is also poorly managed. Social cynics say it's the business people's greed for (more personal) profit. They think malls are all (about) that. A flawless illusion of "the la-la-land", an entertainment for boring riches and penniless hopefuls (by window shopping), a normally efficient one-stop shopping, and a symbol of status for either wealth, success, and consumption at once. Go ahead. Take your pick. It all depends on what you need. No sarcasm intended here. Okay, I lied about the last part. But I am also speaking of the truth here. These days, you can call this city as "The City of Malls". No joke. There are so many of them that some foreign tourists are often mislead into thinking they are the only available source of entertainment. (Unless if they are true backpackers with "Lonely Planet" and stuff.) So far, and according to my friend Big Bear, there are types of mall visitors. There are regulars called 'the mall rats'. Kids who hang out after school to pass the time - or play truants during school hours. College kids and adults who wait for the traffic to clear out or the rain outside to stop. Families who look for a weekend entertainment (mostly because the kids beg their parents to take them there, when all mom and dad really want is a nice, relaxing Sunday at home.) Couples on a date, and so on. There are those who only come for what they need. Maybe they're not always that into malls, but they have to be there at some time. The workers at the shops and restaurants. The weekly/monthly shoppers. With the crazy, urban nightmarish traffic outside, mall is also the most convenient meeting point for those who wish to gather. Last but not least, those who amuse my friend Big Bear so much. The classic, alpha wannabes. Those who intentionally dress their best and come to the malls - to seek audience on their overall performance. After all, isn't the world is a giant stage? And they make sure that malls are their public (fashion) runways. Now, I know it's never a crime to dress from head to toe with the expectation to be seen. I don't hate them for that. It's all cool. In fact, some of them really do look good that I can no longer categorize them as 'alpha wannabes'. I honestly admire them. Of course, I am sure they are also ready for the consequences. Is it compliment or scrutiny? Does it matter? They simply enjoy the attention. Still, I have to say about beehives and long overcoats, though. First, I can tell you're Amy Winehouse's fan. How many bottles of hairspray have you spent? When you go to watch movies, I hope you have the decency to stick in the back row.:P No sane people want to cause a scene in public. Second, I know that people do sell overcoats here. I can see you look fabulous in one, along with your skimpy top, very short pants, black stockings, and black leather boots. I hope you don't go outdoors to soon, because this is a tropical, humid city. Check your map or ask around,just in case you forget where you really are now. Cameras? Rolling. Action! Oh, wait. This is just the mall. They think it's a runway. But then again, who am I to say? It's just me.*big evil grin* The Author

SBF: SO...THIS IS ME
"So...this is me." How do you introduce (and probably re-introduce) yourself in a chick-lit style? (Especially since you've gotten complaints from your girlfriends about how gloomy your writings are - or have been lately.:P) Alright, I'll give this a shot. My friend Gigi says I'm witty, but normally I don't write like this. I hope I don't suck too much. They call me: By my real name (of course, most of them do.) 'Bibi' (from Ganesh and Gigi - each for different reasons.*giggles*) 'Dew' (from my best friend Tiger.:D) 'Kitty' (from some of my friends at work, knowing how much I love cats and can do their mewling pretty accurately.) You'll often see me in: Casual, tomboyish outfits. (Yes, including the canvas sneakers.) I am a tomboy, but I can pull up my professional outlook at work and also look feminine too - but the last one only happens at parties.:P Why? You see, I'd like to make a lasting impression on special occasions. If I start doing that on a regular basis, then the surprise element will be gone. If you visit this city, you might find me: At work, dealing with crazy students and confusing grade assessment.:P On the road, walking alone and sometimes wishing I were somewhere else. At a bookstore, browsing for horror novels. At a public library, simply escaping. At an Asian restaurant, enjoying my meal. At a record store, looking for my favourite musician's new album. At a rock concert, singing along to the band and dancing like crazy. What I think about love: Hmm, since I'm a love cynic and a heavy skeptic these days, I don't think I should go there. Yet.:P So, does this feel light enough to you? I hope.*big evil grin* Hehe. The Author

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"JULY 2004" Can we just go back to good and simple moments before love ruined this? (Jakarta, September 12, 2010 - 11:45 pm) "MY SANITY" I miss you, baby. You're the reason I still stay. You're my sanity. (Jakarta, September 12, 2010 - 11:55 pm) "TOO LATE" I have seen the signs long before they ever did. Now it's just too late. (Jakarta, September 13, 2010 - 00:00 am)

SINGLE BROWN FEMALE (SO WHAT IF I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL 'ALPHA FEMALE'?)
"So what if I'm not your typical 'Alpha Female'?" Well, that's probably how I might react to people's crazy expectations on me these days. I may sound rude and defensive, but...hey, a lady's got to do what a lady's got to do. Basically, it's a fair enough trade. So far so good. What makes one an 'alpha female' and how come I am not? Good question. How does a five-foot-tall Asian lady with light brown complexion and black-noodle-like mass of hair make the first impression? The results can vary. It all depends on the audience, I suppose. Normally, I'm not the kind of girl who can cause a guy to have a sudden heart attack at a first glance. (I hope I'll never be, yikes.:| Well, unless I suddenly grow a third eye or screech like a banshee.:P) As I'd like to quote a line from my favourite character on "Criminal Minds" - Penelope Garcia (played well by Kristen Vangsness): "I'm not the kind of girls guys see across the bar and write songs about." I'm even hardly a threat to my female companions when it comes to searching for a (so-called) Mr.Right. (Does he even really exist, come to think of it?*sneers*) That's what appears to be...so far. Want to know more about me? Read at your own risk. Can't say I haven't warned you yet. The Author/SBF

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"TO FORGIVE" I can forgive you, but how do I know for sure that you'll do better? (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:00 am) "LOVE'S FAVOURITE CASUALTY" I wish to forget how love keeps throwing me down to this same old hell." (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:05 am) "PAST SCARS" I can't be better if you keep reminding me of how I've messed up! (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:10 am)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR? WHERE??
His booming laughter, it could be heard as he greeted me: "My dear, can you feel that love is in the air?" It sounded like an old song (that) once brought joy. I'd like to believe, but what could I say? I didn't see it anywhere. So I denied: "No way." His laughter went dead as he sadly said: "My dear, your eyes have been blinded by your own scars and tears." The Author

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"DEMONS AT MIDNIGHT" Demons at midnight, they disturb me from my sleep. Please, just go away! (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:45 am) "TALK TO ME" I wish you could talk. What are you trying to say? I don't understand. (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:50 am) "THAT'S ALL" "Why are you awake?" "I cannot sleep," I told her. That's all I told her. (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:55 am)

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"DAMN!" It happened again. I had a dream about you. Damn, I miss you so. (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:00 am) "MAYBE" Would they respect her, if she were insensitive? Maybe she should be. (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:15 am) "ME VS. THE BOSSY BRAT" You can't control me. You can't tell me what to do. That frustrates you, eh? (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:30 am)

PENT-UP...
Although I've been afraid of trusting myself to feel (too much) these days, I find myself still trying to stay human despite everything. (Confused? I know. So am I.:|) How? I often avoid emotional friction at home. They've all made it clear that they don't need any of that - one way or another. It only disrupts everything. The Picture-Perfect Twilight Zone. What an irony. It's amazing that I can still take it, although not always quietly. I mean, I no longer show them the real me inside. So far, I can still manage. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Once again, another time bomb has been automatically set up. When will it explode? I don't know. It's only a matter of time. Still, I hope it'll never have to. I just have to find a way to deactivate it, or at least put a long delay to it. I know it can hurt people if I let it detonate. I don't want that to happen. Ever. Friends are great, but I know I can't rely on them forever. Soon they will have to go too. They have other needs that don't always include you. I mean, nobody wants to hang around overly-depressed people that much.*sneers* Come on, who are we trying to kid here? If you're normal, you'll stay the hell away from people like that. 'Normal'. Ha-ha, what a joke! At least I can still thank God for the short holiday before Eid.:) I can do a lot of stuff quietly in the process. One thing at a time. First things first. Before Ganesh's baby sibling is born, I'll have to have something permanent to do in the morning. A stable job for some extra money to help me moving out. God, I hope I don't sound too pathetic here. (But even if I do, so fucking what? This is the only place where I can fully be myself - regardless what you all readers think of me.*big evil grin* Hehe, no offense, though.:P Thanks for reading still, that if you're still around.) I know I must seriously do something with myself fast, before everything else completely eats me from the inside. Nobody else will ever do that for me. Like it or not, I'm all alone here. Come to think of it, I've mostly been. (Come on, Ms.Independent! Snap out of it!) Cry? Hell, that's not even an option here! Besides, there are other people out there in the world with much, much bigger problems. I must never, ever forget that. (Tiger, Jaajie, how's Pakistan lately?:( ) "I'm afraid to cry," I once told a friend, who was genuinely surprised. "Really? Why?" "I'm afraid it's going to be hard for me to stop and I hate that." "Maybe it's part of long, overdue, pent-up emotions that cause that." Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I have to keep myself busy. Pondering alone too long can be dangerous for me. My mind might slip and bad thoughts could possibly break in anytime. However, sometimes I just let it go when I'm too tired. I have to or I'll go crazy too. They can't possibly expect me to be strong all the time and pretend nothing is wrong. I mean, I can still be happy too, but doesn't it feel strange if you have to work hard at it? Well, I must do that quietly, though. The scary thing is, I sometimes need a trigger to unlock it. Sappy love songs. Sad movies. Current tragic news. Anything that reminds me that being human is also being frail and it's okay. Alright, I'll stop asking whether I'm normal or else.*sneers* It's not like it should matter anyway.:P Once I completely lost myself on a ride home from work with an 'ojek' biker one chilly night. (Ojek: a motorcyclist who can take you to your destination for amount of money.) On a speeding motorcycle, I let my mind wander and bad thoughts started bugging me. (One of them is usually related to 'love', because - unlike most people who normally associate it with 'bliss' - 'love' makes me think of the same old hell called 'rejection, mockery, and solitude' all at once.) I let my tears escape freely, but quickly wiped them away once we reached my destination. After receiving the fare, the ojek biker looked at me and frowned. "You okay, Ma'am?" "Yeah." I managed a small smile. "Just some stupid dust in my eyes. It'll go away." Sooner or later, it always will. It has to. The Author

IF LOVE...
If love were white, what would you do if it were tainted? Would you worship it, although one's purity were ruined? If love were red, how could it burn so bad? How could its fiery haze drive the sanest mad? If love were black, would there be any hidden cracks? In the dark, on this one-way track, would you prefer going back? If love were blue, would it be better for me and you? Would it be true? Oh, what would you do? If love were yellow, it could be the way to go. It should be sunny, not mellow. But then again, what do I know? If love were pink, what would it bring? Would it make your heart sing, or cause you to think? If love were purple, would it give you trouble? How would it affect your world? Would it even be whole? If love were orange, would it be a wonderful change? Would a heart need re-arranged if you felt it were strange? If love were green, would you tell me what you've seen? Were it picture-perfect on the screen, like a fairy-tale or a sweet dream? If love were brown, would it make a beautiful sound? Please, don't let me down. I'm tired of crashing to the ground. If love were grey, what else could I say? Maybe it's meant to be this way. Then come what may, another day. What's the colour of your love? Is it beautiful enough? The Author

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"STRANGE PEOPLE" You don't know people. They can easily transform into some strangers. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:10 am) "BLACK VS. RED" They see love as red vibrant, warm, and beautiful. I see love as black. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:30 am) "KILL HER!" She is the weirdo who will always love you so. You can kill her now. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:30 am)

MORE CREEPY THOUGHTS...
Well, what to say? I know it's been a long time since I last wrote in here...again. I feel like I've been behind my writing lately. I'm not just talking about this, though.:P I had to give up a writing contest, only because I'd missed the deadline without any draft. So little time, so much to do. I know, the same old excuse. Somehow, it didn't take long for me to go back feeling numb again. I don't know why.*shrugs* I've never asked for any of this and never want it. It's like, I can't even trust myself to feel anymore. It's scary and I can't help it. They say it's normal to feel, but what if you're not ready to accept the consequences after that? What if you get hurt again? However, of course you can't deny what makes you human. So basically, this feels like a dog on a constant chase after its own tail. "Which one is more correct: people change or you never really know people?" I once asked that out loud. Mz.D had calmly stated: "The second one." After my second thought, perhaps that can be both. It all depends on the situations anyway. You never really know people because they change, whether you like it or not. You can't always anticipate the changes too. As bitter as this may sound to you, that is a fact. It's not about what you like, but more about how it is. I mean, shit happens all the time - even when you least expect it. It's not about what you want, but more about what you'll get in the end. It doesn't matter what you do, though. Nothing lasts forever, even the good ones. Never forget that! I've never seen Mz.D feel that disappointed before, to be honest. She may have told me that she doesn't care anymore, but I can tell. Most people either misunderstand me or take me for granted. I mean, just because I appear nonchalant on the outside and don't say much - doesn't mean I don't notice things. Some even think I'm still childish and ignorant to understand what's already too deadly obvious, and I simply take that as my personal advantage now.*big evil grin* Fine, let them all believe whatever the hell they like about me.*shrugs* Why should I even care or take it personal, anyway? That happens a lot. Do they even know me for real? I highly doubt that they even want to. Mz.D said that people like that often take the easy way out. Just call me weirdo and the discussion is over. That's it. No more arguments, please. From now on, shut up and listen. They don't even care if you pretend to agree with them or else.*shrugs* I understand how Mz.D has felt actually. The short version, a friend of ours is more than eager to leave soon. Where to? We don't know. She's not telling us anything. (Or you can say, she's chosen to stop sharing things with us - the people she called 'friends'.) It's not like we're not supportive of her new direction in her career or her happiness (anything in her future plans.) It's just...well, we somehow get the impression that we're not good friends enough for her to share something with anymore. Even if she didn't want to say much, a short liner would be appreciated. We'd congratulate her if whatever it is would offer something better for her. I know, I know. She's entitled to do whatever she pleases. (Aren't we all, naturally?:P) I'm not pressing on the work ethics here. (Let that be her professional issue with the company.) Regardless everything, I still think of her as a friend. It's just unfortunate that she doesn't really feel the same about all of us here, that we're not that worthy enough to get an update of her. Even my favourite local columnist Samuel Mulia once wrote on his weekly column: "Who are we to think that we are that special to them, even when we think they're very special to us? Maybe it's not always because we're not good enough as friends. What if something just happens for no apparent reasons at all? Maybe we shouldn't take it too personal." Maybe. But still, when you ask a friend why he/she has been a 'no show' lately and their only best answer is: "It's confidential", it sounds like a subtle way of saying: "Back off, this is none of your business." Okay. We get you. We shall never disturb you anymore. How does that sound to you? Good enough? Just don't expect too much from us anymore. (But I guess it won't be a problem for you.) Nothing is as disturbing as people coming over to you ONLY when they need something from you that benefits their personal interest. After that, they'll just go...poof! ............................ "Heavy skepticism stems from chronic cynicism which is produced by a series of unfortunate events that lead to the same old, repetitively unpleasant endings." I somehow have stopped reaching out to Mom. There are battles that we just can't win. My last heart-to-heart conversation with her turned out to be another disastrous misunderstanding. Perhaps she didn't even bother to listen. She cut me off even before I wanted to finish. Typical. She thought she knew and understood me that much. Things have changed. It's not that simple anymore. Hasn't she noticed that or has she chosen to stay living in denial? "I think she's grown tired of your father and spoiled sister," Mz.D once told me. "She's also realized that she made a mistake about letting your sister marry that guy you have to call your brother-in-law." I don't have the heart to call Ganesh a mistake, because - honestly - he's the only good thing that ever came out of their wedding. (As harsh as it sounds.) I love the boy. I really, really do. "But she won't admit it, I'm afraid," Mz.D went on, staring at me seriously. "She thought one burden would be away once a wedding took place. It didn't. It came with another, plus one, and another on the way." Yes, people. Ganesh is going to have a baby sibling soon. I don't know how to put it. If I'm not being enthusiastic about it, then I'm a bad person. But if I say I'm happy, that means a lie. (Although I always believe that innocent babies are the reason God keeps delaying The Apocalypse of this already dying earth.) "And your mother's been holding on to you, because - so far - you're the only sane voice she can rely upon. Your brother has chosen to stay busy outdoors - for as long as possible." I know. He's still such a quiet kid sometimes. Sweet, but that's what he normally does when things slide downhill at home. Mr.Passive-Resistant who smokes a lot too. And Mz.D was also right about the 'burden' thing.:( Mom may have given up on openly pushing me to get married soon, because she knows how much I hate it. That doesn't mean she stops worrying about it, though. (And they say it's normal. Mothers do that all the time.) "You should never be tired of challenges. The world is never kind to weaklings!" I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. Please, listen. Stop talking. "And support? Never wait for others to support you. You have to support yourself, no matter what!" I do, but does that mean I should stop reaching out to people? "Every daughter who is not married yet is still her parents' responsibilities, no matter how old she is!" Love sucks, Ma.:( Don't you notice how often it sends me back to the same old hell? What makes you think that this time it will be any different? I'd like to point out the contradiction too, because - every time there's a guy who seems interested in me - PEOPLE, even those whom I truly care about and who care about me as well, always ALWAYS claim there might be something strange about him. Even when they're right in the end, that is not the main point here. If only all of you knew that all I wanted to hear from you was:"Good, I hope he's for real and treating you right." Yes, if only. Whatever happens in the end is on me. I thank you for always reminding me to be careful and watch my back, because I never stop doing that. Come to think of it, whether I'm careful enough or not, there is always a chance that I can still get hurt in the end. Now I don't know what to do. Every time a guy seems interested in me (which doesn't happen too often like it does to some other girls), I just find it even harder to believe. Is it for real, or am I dealing with another poser? Once again, please tell me. What kind of love that I must believe? Some people accuse me of being an anti-relationship/anti-marriage, but I doubt that they even notice how much love has done to me. Enough is enough. This sickening game is getting way too old - even for me. Are they even aware of how painful it is to have to see every guy/girl you've ever loved always ends up with somebody else - and you're always ALWAYS all alone in the end? May God always spare them the agony. They have no idea. All they can easily do is blame me for this, because it seems much, much easier for them to find someone - or be found first. "You're very patient on waiting," Bear once complimented me. I sneered at him. "Oh, yes," I had to agree...half-sarcastically. "And my level of patience just gives some people the creeps here." The Author

MR.SPINELESS
Mr.Spineless; Oh, gutless warrior. That's how they describe you. Easily bent by their master plan to cut this dying nation in two. Mr.Spineless; Oh,lame loser. I couldn't agree more with them. One step forward, two steps back, staying too long on this one-way track. Mr.Spineless; Oh, plastic poser. This game is getting too old. Ignore the rulebook, release all the crooks. Has your conscience gone cold? Mr.Spineless; Oh, pathetic whiner. Where do we go from here? It's crystal-clear what we all fear. You've broken your promises for real. Mr.Spineless; Oh, heartless liar. Your words are dull and empty. Whatever. Does it even matter? You've lost all your loyal listeners. Well, Mr.Spineless; Oh, walking disaster. What else can I say? All I can do is pray, for more better days, a hope for a change. So, Mr.Spineless; Are you ready to be erased? It's about time you fell from grace. The Author

AN EXIT SIGN?
I know, I know.:P I've slacked off from writing again. It's been too long this time. I met Lovely Tony again last Tuesday morning. I must admit that he started reminding me more of Pumpkin...and Ki.:) I don't know if it's a good sign or else.:P I also found out that Lovely Tony loves cooking and food.:D He hates frozen yogurt, though, because he prefers having it served fresh. The admin lady told me that he bakes yummy chocolate cakes and cookies he sometimes brings to work...only in the afternoon.:( My classes there only start in the morning. Okay, enough about food.*giggles* Some people are still fasting. Mom once said something about Ganesh one night. (He's 1.5 years old, btw.) These days, the cute toddler is clingy, demanding that everyone he wants has to be there for him and do whatever he wants them to. (Sounds familiar?*big evil grin*) Perhaps it's still normal for his age to act that way. I don't know.*shrugs* I'm no expert in this. Maybe he'll change for the better. Don't we all hope so?:P "Clingy, just like his mother." I was genuinely surprised. I looked at her. "What?" "Ganesh," she repeated. "He always wants everyone he wants to accompany him. Your sister was always like that when she was little too." "Oh, really?" Don't you notice something, Ma? She still is. "Even when she was in school, she insisted that I wait for her outside her class until she was done," Mom went on. Then she looked right at me. "Unlike you. You were always different. More independent. Even when you first started school, you simply told me not to wait for you." That's why. You've always been so used to with me dealing with things on my own. Only my serious, critical situations really drag your attention. You're not used to having me reach out to you or anyone else. You always believe that I'm strong enough alone. It'll look out of place, won't it? Like a break of the already established routines. You think I don't need people that much, do you, Ma? You think I don't need you at all? You have no idea, Ma. But I know what you really want from me these days. You want me to shut up and listen. No complaints and protests, please. You want me to take everything as it is. It doesn't matter what I think or feel. My opinion doesn't count. Being your version of 'a good girl' is what pleases you more. Being 'the perfect daughter'? That's even better. Too bad I can never meet your requirements. I'm sorry that I've always let you down.:( But I'll never be sorry for being who I am. I'm just sad that it's not good enough for a lot of people to accept me for who I am. "It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love..." Mz.D said I should stop doing this to myself. I need to get help. I know what she means, but like what I've said - I'm not used to reaching out to people. It's not that I haven't tried. Sometimes the timing isn't right - or the person I'm reaching out to is just wrong. I'm still stuck in this Twilight Zone, working my way out. One way or another, that is. I can't pretend I didn't remember one incident. (But still, I know I couldn't do no shit about it.) It was one of those days when my sister was out somewhere. My parents and I were watching TV, while Ganesh was playing with his dad. Something happened which I couldn't recall, and Ganesh started crying. Instead of trying to calm him down, his dad snapped. "Shut up! Shut up! I said, SHUT UP!" The louder he yelled, the harder the boy cried. And both of them just wouldn't stop. No, thank God he didn't hit the boy. (Or else I would've beat the crap out of him, regardless the consequences.:x) However, he also did that in front of Dad. It didn't take long for the poor, ailing and sensitive old man to start bursting into silent tears. So much for my effort to keep my negative emotions locked in, so that he wouldn't pick them up all too easily. (Grrh!!:x) And Mom? She took it all so casually she even said, "You know, your father used to do that too when you were little." Was it justifiable, Ma? I don't think so. What can you expect from a one-year-old toddler who still hasn't understood everything yet? I thought grown-ups were supposed to be in control! But then again, who am I to say? About a year ago, I'd planned to move out - despite Mom's possibly negative reaction to my decision. Then Dad fell ill and I had to cancel. What now?? Last Wednesday night, I came home under the rain. My clothes and shoes were wet. I was slightly shivering from the chill. From the window, I saw G riding his stationery bike while watching TV. He saw me in front of th