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OVERWHELMED...
It's been a very, very long time since I last wrote in here. Since my last entries about my last trip to Singapore, I haven't written about anything else. I've been hecticly busy. I'm overwhelmed...-_'- Now here I am with the time. At last...:P Githa's travelling around Europe now.:D It's a great thing for her. She needs that. It's definitely a dream come true and I'm happy for her. T's been busy with work and baking (and selling) cookies. We haven't discussed much about our trip to Bali next month. He also needs help on some things. Me? As usual. Same old, same old.*shrugs* I'm still juggling with work, family, and friendship. Relationship? Don't ask.:P Lots to tell, but nothing comes out right now. Perhaps I'll do that on my next entries.-_'-... R.

A SHORT ADVENTURE IN SINGAPORE (PART 3 - THE END)
April 16, 2012: "Nooo!!" Okay, that was the voice in my brain the moment I woke up in the morning.:( Why? I knew it was my last day, because I had to go home in the end - back to the real world I know and still can't ignore. My break would be over soon. My flight was at night. I still wanted to stay there.:'-( Since my time was getting shorter, I had to be quick. I knew the hostel allowed me to stay until 11:00 am, but I decided to check out early after breakfast. (Goodbye, Zen and Kamal.:( Sorry I didn't spend enough time to get to know you guys.) Unfortunately, my phone credit was out again. I tried the same 7-11, but the clerk on duty was different. It was a young Chinese woman, and she was rude and not helpful at all. When I asked her about the phone credit, she only barked at me that she didn't have it and waved her hand as if to ward me off. "Thank you,"I somehow still managed to say, while I silently swore: you're not going to keep your job that long, bitch.:x The next thing I knew, I had to ask around and walked about a couple of blocks away to...Lor 20 Geylang!:O No joke. I'd tried about two to three different stores nearby until I finally found...another 7-11 there! Thankfully, this time the clerk was very helpful. In fact, he was Thai - and could speak Indonesian. There was even a funny moment when he started a conversation with me: Äre you from Australia?" LOL!!xD "No."I giggled. Was it my accent when I spoke in English - or is it because I've been hanging out with T a lot?:P "I'm from Indonesia." Äh, orang Indonesia (ah, Indonesian)," he exclaimed. "Orang Bali (Balinese)?" "Bukan, orang Jakarta (no, a Jakartan)." "Sedang kerja di sini (you working here)?" "Bukan, liburan (no, on holiday)." "Ah." He nodded as he helped me to recharge the phone and refill the credit. That was when T called. "Where are you?" There was worry in his voice. My stomach tied in a knot of guilt."Are you okay? Are you still at the hostel?" "Sorry! No, I've already checked out." Then I explained to him what had happened to my phone that morning. After that, he just asked me to meet him at Stadium Station, because he suggested that I leave my heavy travel-bag at Meita's apartment before going out again for one last time. I totally agreed with his idea. When my phone was done, I paid the guy and raced to the station. I caught the next MRT to Stadium. Goodbye, Geylang! Thanks for having me around.:D I met M again when T took me to Meita's apartment. (Meita was working that morning.) I could tell that he was surprised to see me, but didn't say much. He just turned down T's invitation to join us hanging around the city for one last time. Oh, well.*shrugs* He was probably still tired. Our first destination now: Suntec City Mall...again. I didn't eat much back at the hostel and now I was hungry. So was he. I was really glad - almost ecstatic, perhaps - when we finally tried...The Singapore Flyer!:D OMG!! The feeling was so amazing. I kept taking pictures of the view. T kept taking pictures of me too, just like what he'd done at Esplanade and Marina Bay.:) Unfortunately, by the time we got off The Flyer - my phone was dead again.:| So only T had pictures of us near The Merlion on his I-Phone. We still had time to visit Chinatown for a short stroll. But before that, we ate again at McDonald's in Clarke Quay. In Chinatown, I bought some fridge magnets. T ended up buying T-shirts with funny quotations on, and one is actually written like this: "I'M NOT STUBBORN - it's just that my ideas are better" ROFL!!xD We went back to Meita's apartment after that. Meita herself greeted us. She was nice and lovely, a typical hip urban mom. We had quite a conversation.:) Meita has two kids - a four-year-old cutie named Odetta and a cute toddler named Leo. Her husband was in Indonesia for some business. And I love her apartment.:D For me, it's a dream place to live on my own someday. Soon, I hope. When M came back, T and I were sitting in Meita's living room. I smiled and greeted him and he just grinned back. Meita offered us some jell-o and chocolate cake. (I was already full with McD, but you know it's always hard for me to say no to chocolate cake. Hehe.*big evil grin*) The Botanical Garden was our last destination before Meita drove us to the nearest MRT station. It was beautiful as well, making it even hard for me to leave. We said goodbye and thanks to Meita before taking an MRT to Changi Airport.:( My flight was earlier than the guys, so they wanted to grab a bite first while I was getting ready for the check-in. We parted at Terminal One. "Take care."I gave M a hug. He hugged me back. When I turned to T, I suddenly wanted to cry. "I don't want to go home," I wailed as I hugged him close. He hugged me back tightly and whispered softly in my ear:"It's okay." This time, I didn't have to wait long. No delays. I was finally back in Jakarta at midnight. My brother and Mom came to pick me up. (the end) R.

A SHORT ADVENTURE IN SINGAPORE (PART 2)
April 15, 2012: I woke up at two in the morning, shivering in cold. It turned out that I had underestimated the AC in the shared room. Brr! I quickly hid under the blanket and tried going back to sleep. Breakfast at seven was pleasant.:) Bread and tea. Kamal was still asleep. I chatted with my friend Elnie online, since my phone credit was out and I needed to buy a local SIM card. Elnie lives in Singapore. We were meeting at Harbourfront later that night. I asked Zen about where to buy the local SIM card, and he simply mentioned the closest 7-11 from the station. Then I thanked him and left. T was still at a local church that morning, but we'd promised to meet each other at City Hall station at 11:30. I got there about half an hour earlier. Oh, well. That was okay. I ended up strolling around Citylink Mall, waiting for him. So, what were we doing? Lots this time.:D He showed me The Fountain of Wealth at Suntec City Mall. We also went to Esplanade. I was impressed by the giant, rattan-tunnel - a work of art by Eko Prawoto.:) The outdoor view was also wonderful.:D The spiky, durian-like buildings, Marina Bay, The Singapore Flyer...just awesome. Marina Bay Sands took my breath away.:D It was sunny all day too, so it was just perfect. We had lunch outdoor, because the food court was packed with visitors. The kebab was nice. The blues band at Esplanade was pretty cool. :) We sat through a few songs before we decided to walk again. T had been dying to try this coffee-shop - 'Max Brenner'. I had to admit that they served super cold chocolate drinks.:P*slurps* He said he never had a chance while he was still in Sydney, so he had to or else he'd have been haunted by even just the thought of it.*giggles* "Haunted by Max Brenner?"I joked. "Sounds like quite a guy!" *big evil grin* We watched another performance in Esplanade after six. It was an acapella group called...Sing After Six.:D They performed for fifteen minutes. They were really amazing. I couldn't help tearing up a bit when they sang their cover version of "Danny Boy". It sounded so beautiful and touching that I had to hide my teary eyes under my shades. So silly, I know. :'-(... "Hey."T caught a sight of me and handed me some napkins he'd snagged from McDonald's earlier. I know he hates seeing me cry like I do about him. "Thanks." I accepted them and started dabbing my eyes. "Sorry, it's just so sad. The song, I mean." "I know." "I mean, in the end - his dad is never coming home." "Yeah." Then we were silent for a moment. After that, T said,"Shall we?" "Why?" "They're making you cry." "Ah." I smiled and waved my hand, feeling silly for being overly sensitive.*blushes"*"Nah, I'm fine now." Sing After Six finished performing. T and I parted, because he had to join M and Jovita. I was chasing the next MRT to meet up with Elnie. That night, I hung out with Elnie at a Korean restaurant in Vivocity Mall. Then we had drinks at Archipelago, watching Sentosa from a distance. (And I silently noted that down as my next destination for my future visits to Singapore.) Too bad Elnie couldn't stay long. She had to work the next morning. That was okay, at least we'd finally met face to face after years of online contact. I finally came back to the hostel at around midnight. This time, the guests were in the living room - watching "Man On A Ledge" - the movie T and I had watched earlier before we flew to Singapore. And I was so tired and sleepy... (to be continued) R.

A SHORT ADVENTURE IN SINGAPORE (PART 1)
April 14, 2012: I had already packed everything I needed the night before - as light as possible. I didn't want any excess baggage. I woke up at three and couldn't sleep anymore, giddy with excitement. It was my very first time in ages. I was practically doing it alone. My brother had offered to accompany me to the airport, which was a good thing. We went together at 6:30 in the morning. We took the DAMRI bus to the airport. We got there at around eight. Feeling hungry, we had breakfast at Hoka Hoka Bento. After that, my brother had to leave early - so we bid farewell and I was all alone, waiting for the check-in at nine. My flight schedule with Lion Air was at 11:15, but there had been a twenty-minute delay. T informed me that he'd be picking me up at Changi airport, which was a relief.:) I didn't do much on the plane. I mostly stared at the white clouds outside the window, or just fell asleep. I guess that was why I barely felt the slight turbulence on the way. The plane landed at almost two. The moment I set foot on Changi Airport, I was in awe. Was I at the airport - or a megamall? Somehow, I felt a bit intimidated, though I tried my best not to show it. Thankfully, that sinking feeling didn't last long.:) The moment I caught a sight of T, I felt relieved. It was my first day and I needed to see something familiar to make me feel safe. I know that sounds silly. We rushed to Geylang by MRT. (Thank you, Githa, for lending me the card!:D) We stopped at Aljunied Station and started searching for WoW Hostel, the place where I'd be staying while I was in Singapore. I'd already booked a room online, and thankfully the direction given was very clear and easy to follow. It was also convenient - only a minute walk from the station.:D And the place was awesome, especially for backpackers. It was very clean, with three bathrooms, a washing machine, free breakfast, a flat-screen TV, and...a 24-hour free internet service!:O Good God. Somehow, I didn't mind sharing a room with strangers - even guys. The manager handed me a key, so I could save all my stuff in a locker.:) No problem. It was only the first day, and I had already got to talk to one of my roommates. His name's Zen and he's from The Philippines.:) Kinda cute.*bats eyelashes* He told me he wanted to visit Indonesia, especially Bali. Well, I hope he's going there in June.:P It's a long shot, I know. The rest was quite a rollercoaster ride.:P We met up with M (T's ex now) at the closest mall and had a late lunch at Pastamania. The food was great, of course. We parted with M for a while, and headed to Bugis Junction. It was raining that late in the afternoon. The place was packed with weekenders. I didn't feel like shopping at all.:( Too bad. But we had great ice cream sandwich.:D We met M again at Orchard Road. T and I had gone to AFC studio earlier, where he'd visited a month before. He bought something for his kitchen. Not much the three of us did there but window-shopping. M suggested that we go to Clarke Quay, because it looks especially beautiful at night. And he was right. I was almost breathless at the view.:D The street musicians, the bridge, the lights, Fullerton Hotel, The Asian Civilization Museum... Too bad we didn't have time for dinner. None of us wanted to miss the last MRT for the night. We parted at the station at around after ten. To be honest, this time I felt confident enough to go alone. I felt more...content than I had in years.:) Strange, huh? I bought a toothpaste at a minimarket before heading back to the hostel. Most of the guests were still awake and in the living room, watching "Transformers 3". I grabbed all I needed from my bag, occupied one empty bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my sweaty face, changed into pyjamas, and then went back into my room. Zen was already fast asleep in his bunk-bed, covered in a blanket. A gorgeous Indian guy named Kamal was talking to me.:) He was friendly and chatty. Honestly, I was mighty interested in him - but I was also very, very tired and sleepy. I needed to go to sleep right away. Sorry, Kamal.:( Good night. (to be continued) R.

GAMBLING MY LIFE AWAY...
I think this will be my last entry for now, before I'm flying to Singapore tomorrow morning. "Whoa, wait!" some of you perhaps will exclaim in surprise.:P "Singapore?" *giggles* Alright, I'm sure you're wondering how come.*big evil grin* I know this is completely out of the blue, although I've already planned it okay. (Not exactly perfect, not even well - just plain 'okay'.:P) Again, it started after T's breakup with M.:| He's coping reasonably now and still in the process of moving on.(May it be fast for him, God.:| Amen.) Githa said M was already with some other guy.(Ouch.) The problem: they both have already had tickets to fly to Singapore and back before the breakup. At first, M said he didn't feel like going. (Of course, going with your ex that soon after a huge row and a breakup would be super awkward, no matter how civil and decent you try to be towards each other...or could be, for that matter.) Since Githa had already gone to Singapore with T, he offered M's ticket to me. They both even urged me, saying that I need a real holiday - at least for once in a while. All I had to do was pay for the name change. In short, I quickly had my passport made. I thought to myself: why not?*shrugs* I ain't got nothing to lose (except my money, of course, but we're bound to lose a lot of it in the end.*sneers*) I'm still single and free.:D Why can't I just live a little, like the real Ms.Independent I'd like to be? Besides, my love life sucks as hell that I don't even want to start thinking about it anymore. Life is way too short to be taken way too seriously. Like I've said before, being good/playing nice all the time is (considered) boring. You're not that interesting.*sneers* You get to be ignored a lot. You're not taken seriously. Worst of all, people tend to take you for granted a lot, just because they think that you'll always be around. Ha! What a joke.*rolls eyes* Want to know what happened to me the last time I played the same old cards? I didn't get much. I didn't get noticed at all. I got left behind... Anyway, when M heard about T's plan, he suddenly wanted the ticket back. At first, I thought it was okay. They could still go together as friends if they both wished to do so. Dead wrong.:| How naive I am. Githa told me the two guys had another stupid row, and T was dreading the whole trip. They're staying at a friend's house there - and the friend is 'on a neutral ground'. That's when the crazy idea came up. "Would you like me to catch up with you there?" I offered T one night when we had dinner together after work. I could tell that he was almost in tears after telling me about his last row with M. He did that quite a lot recently.:( I hated seeing him like that. "You don't have to," he said. "But if you could, I'd really appreciate it." Well, here I am now - at last. This is it. I have made up my mind. There's no turning back...:) R.

A ROLLERCOASTER AND CAROUSEL RIDE...
The older you get, the more confused and clueless you sometimes become. Life is full of twists and turns. We think we know what's coming ahead of us until we see that not everything is always what it seems. Surprise! To be honest, I don't know where to start. It's been a very, very long time since I last wrote in here. I've been awfully busy. In fact, I've already written another entry before this in my journal book - but it was past due. I need to update more regularly or else I might forget easily. I need to remember. My life has been a wild, roller-coaster and carousel ride - all at once. Sounds weird? Maybe it's because I don't know how to describe the situation. I just know that I've finally become one of the main cast in "Big Brother and The Dazzling Divas".:P *giggles* Alright, I was making that up.:P It's not a movie or a TV show. I'm referring to T and the girls. However, it's been ages since I last saw the others. So it's only T and Githa. The single and dateless.:P Nothing pathetic about that, just stating a simple fact. Yeah, I've been hanging out with the two of them quite a lot lately. We make a unique trio; a gay bachelor, a young widow, and a childlike tomboy.:P Most of the time, I hang out with T. It's very convenient for both of us. We both work in Kuningan and always see each other at work every Saturday. He lives in Kuningan too. Yeah, I do that a lot these days - especially since his last break-up with M. Why? I care a lot about T. He's practically like a big brother now. He's all alone in my country, away from his family. He used to have a stable job, but now...he's struggling just to survive. He used to have a boyfriend too. And I seriously have a bad feeling that he's going to lose another best friend.:(*deep sigh* I don't know why. Maybe it's because of what I've been sensing lately. I can't just ignore the obvious signs. I can't pretend that everything's okay, or always fine. It's not. I'm worried and scared, but there's not much I can do anymore. It can no longer be avoided. It's bound to happen sooner or later, and I've just got to prepare for the worse. Believe me, I can recognize a ticking time bomb when I see one. I've had some myself in the past before. Githa's flying to Europe this month. Soon. But that's not the reason. (And I have a really strong, sad feeling that she's not coming back in a very, very long time.) *deep sigh* I don't know. You can say it's not worthy that I've gotten myself into this mess, but it's already way too late now. There's no turning back. I'm already in too deep. Don't get me wrong. I love them both equally, probably a whole lot more than I should. I don't remember the last time I found such friends who understood me well. That felt like worlds away. The other girls have already noticed this - especially Dewi. (She really is a 'goddess', because she's the most mature one in the group.) She said it was typical between them. Countless fights over mundane, silly stuff.*rolls eyes* I guess that's what happens when two people are way too much alike and spend too much time together. They tend to recognize each other's ugliness, almost a mirror image to each other sometimes, and how much it can cut both ways. Oh, my dear God.:'-( I hate talking about this, but it's still nagging in my head. All I know is that I hate to see him cry like that. It's killing me so much.:'-( I love him. And I hate seeing her like that too, all sad, sick, depressed, and...almost unstable.:'-( So freaky, and I couldn't even tell her that. It's killing me too. I love her. They're both like my older siblings. (Even my own sister and I aren't this close, remember?) I know he cares too much about her sometimes that he mentally suffocates her. However, I also know that he never meant to be so nosy - but she didn't have to be that harsh on him either. I know she cares about him too, especially since they've been close for so long. I also know that it's hard for her to open up too much, especially with what happened in her past. (Domestic violence, divorce, loss of assets in court...you name it.) I know she didn't mean to hurt him too. Sometimes people are like that not because they're really bad, but because they've got issues on their own that they unintentionally take it out on others - even the ones they actually care about. And I thought things were cool again until...I saw her last FB status.:O Good God! He's already past that issue, so why did she still bring it up?:( Thank God she wrote it in our language. T still doesn't understand it that much yet. If you don't want people - especially those who really care about you - know about your problems, then don't start bringing things up and taking them back when people start asking questions. Especially when you know that you'll only worry them so much when you do it. Just pretend you're always tough. Keep quiet. Isn't that what you want? Bitching about it constantly on your social media account doesn't really help. It only shows your lack of anger management, emotional control, and...ahem, maturity.*sneers* Sorry to say. It's not like I've never been down that road before. I'm not proud of what I did. It's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. *deep sigh* I guess I'm more emotionally affected than I'd like to admit - even to myself.*blushes* I'm still upset. Her last message to me was a real blow-off. She said she had found a solution to her problems. She thanked me for my attention and concern, and then went on about how I wasn't supposed to blow things out of proportion next time. .................... Uh, hello?*sneers* Whatever.*rolls eyes* Sure, you're welcome.*sneers* Btw, who was doing that last time? Me? Him?? No. It was you, but I'm sure you wouldn't take it if we said so.:x He was just making an effort to get all of us together and you were throwing it back to his face. People have noticed that long ago. You complain about feeling all alone, but at the same time acting like you need nobody around to help you. What a contradiction.*rolls eyes* And whose fault is that? If being a caring friend to you means suffocating you to death, then fine. We'll leave you alone from now on. You know where to find us, but we won't reach out to you first. That's it. Sometimes diplomacy is required. It can be learned. For example, she could"ve said:"Sorry, I can't hang out with you guys these days. I miss you, but I'm busy. I need to settle some things on my own first, but I'll get back to you soon. Thanks for worrying about me." That's it. When I suggested that to her, she said that wasn't her style and he'd still be pestering her with questions afterwards. Ugh!!:x If only she knew he wasn't like that, especially not with me... Oh, fuck it. There's only so much that we can do for the people we care about... *deep sigh* R.

"CAUTIOUSLY PERCEPTIVE"
Is it just a ripple, or a huge wave that comes crashing down? Is there a ticking time bomb somewhere deep inside of you? Should I be ready for an explosion? I wish I knew what to do. I am the quiet, observant bystander, watching all around waiting for any signs; the cautiously perceptive one. Is it the calm before your storm? Should I worry about any possible harm? I know these days make you feel like you come undone. Please, don't ever let your sanity be gone! "Don't worry too much," I'm sure you'll always tell me. "Breathe deeply. Soon, there'll be no more misery." For your sake, I pray it'll come true. You'll stop feeling the blues. In the meantime, I'll keep on watching from the corner, until the day your storm is over. R.

TIRED OF BEING GOOD/PLAYING NICE?
I don't know what's wrong with me again these days. I feel like biting someone's head off.:| Maybe I'm tired, but - to be honest with you all - I don't remember the last time I felt this way. Please, don't tell me there's another ticking time bomb inside of me - waiting to explode. I can't afford to jeopardize another good friendship here. I know that I sound lack of faith lately, but have you ever felt so sick to death with being good/playing nice to others? It's like, no matter what, you still don't get things easily like other people who tend to break the rules and just get away with anything. For example, my country's government. (That's nothing new, actually. They have been like that for decades and I'm afraid they're just getting...worse.:|) It's no secret that they're such lucky jerks who go on corrupting. (And no, I'm not afraid if I get arrested for writing this.:| In fact, I don't even give a damn anymore!*scoffs*) The petrol price is getting higher than ever, and they let that affect the public transport fee.*rolls eyes* And they still waste our tax money to buy imported furniture so their office can look...'nicer'. Speaking of public transport, I am also sick to death of the same old rubbish my own people do everyday.:x It's like, there's no point in queuing and following the rules anymore. People keep pushing each other just to impatiently get their turn to get on the bus. I often feel like punching them in the face whenever they try pushing me aside. Are you in a hurry? Well, so am I, bitches!:x Everybody else is. You're not the only one, so please don't be so bloody selfish. My God, you people just make me sick to death! "Welcome to the real world, kid. That's just how our country people are." Thanks, Ma.*sneers* I get that. A lot. *deep sigh* I know that's how reality works here. In fact, I've always been aware of it. Being good/playing nice doesn't mean you always get what you want and anything easily. These days, honesty often gets you laughed at instead of appreciated. Some people say it's a sign of weakness and stupidity. Playing by the rules doesn't always make you a winner, but a victim of some twisted bureaucracy. Yeah, welcome to the real world.*rolls eyes* Yes, that's why I am also still a romantically-challenged skeptic. Why? It's just the same old reality that keeps on treating me in this department. Being a good girl/playing a nice girl doesn't mean you'll get noticed right away. There are times when you're just...overlooked. You're (considered) plain boring and less challenging. That's why I still don't want to give a damn about love, because love has never really given a damn about me. I mean, why bother? What's the bloody point when in the end, I always get the heartbreak? Still, unless God proves me wrong. R.

"ONE LAST HURRICANE"
It's the same old hurricane. It's all over again. Why do I pretend? It's something I no longer stand. Have I been ignoring the signs, by believing everything is still fine? For too long I have fought to keep you mine, but I guess now we're at the end of the line. Have we been rock solid? It was chipped away bit by bit. Perhaps it was more like a house of cards. Each blow had it fall apart. What if it had been a sand castle? It didn't take a huge wave to crumble. One kick would be enough. Well, life can be tough. Still, here we are, as we bid our last goodbye to something that had to die. Well, at least we've tried all our best to keep it alive... R.

ORDER...CHAOS...ORDER...CHAOS...
"And the world keeps spinning round...My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing...I've got nothing else to lose...I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change a thing...No, you and I wouldn't change a thing..." ("Spin" by.Lifehouse) Sorry, I felt like singing that for a while.:P That song is perfect for the whole past week, I think. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Maybe Githa was right, I'd been worried too much about T that it affected me more than I should have let.*blushes* I mean, looking back - I could see that's been mostly the case. Of course, there's the upcoming project with the business school in BSD - and also the competition at Leese's boarding school in Parung. Two Mondays ago was weird. I came to work early, only to find that...I had misread the schedule!:O*gasps* It turned out that I only had my 5:45 pm class for the day. What did I do then? I went to the nearest bank. Then I spent the day at Pasar Festival, eating muffin with egg, sausages, and hashbrown - and sipping tea at McDonald's. Writing while I still had the time.:P Visiting the nearest cybercafe... ...That was how everything started.:| In fact, that was practically the 'theme of the whole week'. T posted an angry status about someone screaming at him and telling lies and half-truths about him to their friends. It took me a few seconds before my stomach felt that sinking sensation I was familiar with. Oh, dear.*deep sigh* That had something to do with...M. The next Tuesday after that, Githa came to his apartment again. I couldn't go because I was working for the entire day. She later told me that he was a bit better. Still gloomy, but not as depressive as we'd feared earlier. However, I started coming down with the cold that late afternoon. It took a toll on Wednesday when I could only do half-time as a jury for the competition. I fainted after that.*blushes*:( What an embarrassment. They had to take me to a hospital nearby and then drive me all the way home in the end. Sorry, Leese. Of course, Mom was pissed with me for not taking care of myself better.:| And I kind of freaked T and Githa out. I blacked out practically the rest of Wednesday night. There were moments when I was half-awake and could hear my phone ringing, but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up. Too weak, too sick.:( I didn't know that 'Goddess M' showed up at T's apartment on Thursday. While I was busy recovering myself at home, they made Shepherd's pie together. (Hmm, yummy!:P) She asked about me and T shook his head and said, "No, she's not coming over today. She fainted yesterday." "What?!" *giggles* Yeah, that's what happened.:P*big evil grin* I ended up coming over there on Friday morning before my 5:45 pm class. I thanked God for no emergency calls in the morning, so I didn't have to cover for anyone's classes. The weather was a bit windy most of the time, but that was still fine. I was wearing my favourite gray jumper. Of course, T was happy to see that I was okay.:) Well, so was I to see him okay. All day before work in the evening, we had fun. I felt like a pampered little sister, because he was just so nice to me.:D I helped him cook twice that day (which was unusual for a tomboy like me, hehe!:D) First was the Anzac biscuits. He even handed me samples that I could take home with. (Delicious. My family loved them!:D) Next was our lunch.:D It was the very first time I ate corn pancakes stacked with onions, sausages, tomatos, and...grated cheese!:P Super yummy. Before I went to work, he handed me a big plastic bag full off...stuff.:O*gasps* Souvenirs from him. "Oh, my God!" I hugged him tight and kissed his bearded cheek. "Thank you so much!" "Don't tell anyone at work you got that from me." Of course, nobody seemed to notice. It was already the end of the day anyway by the time I got there. I finished that one class and then went home again. T looked fine on Saturday. We didn't talk much because we were busy working. (Well, I suppose he was much busier than me - because he had more classes than I did.) After preparing for the whole next week, I left with Rafiq and Angela. Knowing that T was still in the classroom, I took out my cellphone. I was about to text him goodbye when... "Boo!" "Aaargh!" I jumped in surprise, after having T breathe very close to my ear. He giggled and I pushed him back, growling,"YOU! You always do that to me." Of course, I wasn't really mad at him.:P We both know that. In the end, I just hugged him close and told him I'd see him again soon. I ended up hanging out with Angela at PIM for a while. (Rafiq had to go home early.) I didn't do much on Saturday night. I was listening to my favourite rock frequency until I fell asleep. The next morning, I woke up to find T's text on my cellphone: He broke up with M last night. After that, Githa called. Out of the blue, we agreed to visit him at his apartment...again. She sounded tearful on the phone, because she knows them both personally. How was T that Sunday? He was surprised to see her, but even more surprised to see me coming over too! (Hehe, gotcha!:P*big evil grin*) He said he suspected something from my previous texts for him before I came over: Me:"Hang in there." Him:"I'm trying." Me:"Just remember you're not alone." Him:"Thanks." The three of us went to Epicentrum Walk...again. We ate lunch at their favourite place T-Grill. As usual, the food was fine. Not the music, though.:| Sappy, romantic ballads. It crushed me to see him cry.:'-( Seriously, I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to. I mean, two and a half years ain't a short time. I understand that he still cares about M. It's not that easy. Again, he ended up cooking for our dinner when we returned to his apartment. Githa left to teach jer Sunday class for a while, so I helped T in the kitchen again. He seemed more relaxed. We were chatting and laughing again. The Shepherd's pie was fantastic!:D I couldn't resist taking seconds and he didn't seem to mind. Now they're in Singapore, and will be back on Friday. R.

"MONDAY MORNING CRAZINESS"
I woke up this morning, an urban zombie half awake. I had no idea what I was thinking. I only feared showing up late. My fragmented thoughts scattered and regrouped like magnetic marbles on the floor, as I headed toward that door. What did I see? Oops, I made a mistake! I showed up way too early. Now I'm rewarded with this long break. Heh. What a strange way just to start today. What else can I say? Maybe I'm a workaholic. A lot can make me fretful and tick. With caffeine-fuelled energy, I haven't been sleeping well lately. Now I'm going to relax a bit before the real hours of my shift... R. (written at McDonald's , Pasar Festival, Kuningan, South Jakarta - Monday, March 5, 2012 at 11:00 am)

"LOVE UNSPOKEN"
I don't know how you could be so brave. I claim myself a tomboy, yet I often play it safe. I'm amazed that you could still play it cool, even when you know people can be so cruel. I wonder how you could have enough patience, even when all you've got left is one slim chance. What are you going to do? I've never seen those eyes turn so blue. I want to be strong enough to help you too. If I seem to fret and worry, please don't feel guilty. It's not you; it's me. I don't want you to be sorry, and the last thing you need is self-pity. Someday, you'll have survived all of this. It's not just my promise, but also my wish - just so you won't have to be the friend that I miss. from the heart, R.

'ABANG' AND I : BEFORE SATURDAY NIGHT
It's two weeks before T's flight to Singapore with Githa. It's also two weeks before the big project with the business school in BSD. *deep sigh* Alright, so here we go. I know that I shouldn't be too worried about everything. Well, what can I say?*shrugs* Old habits die hard, eh? T was super tired when he showed up at work last Saturday morning. His dark eyes were slightly bloodshot. His voice was a lot heavier than usual. That's why I left him to his his thoughts until his moods got better. Thank God for 'Goddess M', though.:) She knew how to make him smile with her witty jokes. She's been telling practically everybody at work about her latest boyfriend lately. Something felt slightly 'off' with him and I heard T tell her:"I just don't want you to get hurt." "Aww, that's sweet," the rest of the room echoed in unison after hearing that. I knew T was serious. Just like when he learned that another woman's boyfriend showed a romantic interest in Githa, and she happened to like him back. That's how he always is.:) He cares about his friends. He's looking after the girls like any real gentleman does and should. When he's like this, he reminds me so much of...Tiger. Triana was very kind to me that afternoon. I finished teaching my class at two and was going to start correcting the students' test papers when she suddenly showed me the discount vouchers. The next thing I knew, we went to Mr.Pancake's for that.:D We ate, talked, and giggled for an hour or so. I loved the chocolate ice cream pancake, the fries, and the fried shrimps too. I'd have loved having T around for that as well, but he was still having more classes to teach until sometime around four. (Well, maybe next time.) After we parted ways, I went back upstairs. Why? What for? I could've grabbed my copies for the lessons next week, but I only used that as an excuse when they asked me. (And I did prepare them.) I was worried about T.:( He was all smiles and friendly as usual, but his eyes told me a completely different story. He said he didn't know what he was going to do that Saturday night. Maybe he'd just stay home. When I asked him about M (because they usually go out on Saturday nights), he only shrugged. "I've texted him and he hasn't got back to me yet." "Are you guys okay?" He shrugged again. My heart just sank and went out to him at the same time.:( No, not again. They were just fine before. That's why he accompanied me to Pasar Festival for a while before we parted ways. If he'd asked me to stay with him longer while waiting for any word from M, I would have... R.

"OH, GIRL! (NOT THAT KIND OF GUY)"
Oh, girl. You're wasting your time. You're out of your mind. It's true. I know just how you feel, but are you for real, for sure? Oh, well. I'm not blind to see you're beautiful. I won't argue. You think that every guy is into you. Are you a fool? Oh, girl. You're so out of line. You're freaking him out. It's not cool. You'll see. You'll just make him flee. He won't have anything with you. Oh, well. I'm not dumb to see he's handsome. I'm a girl too. But he's not the kind of guy who'll fall for you, so stop feeling blue! Oh, girl. When will you wake up? Accept that this world's cruel. Be tough. Enough is enough. Still think you're in love, don't you? Oh, well. You're better off looking for some other guy. I'm not going to lie. Stop putting him through hell. Oh, can't you tell? You're just going to fail! R.

A WEEK'S RECAP
1.I went to Evanescence's concert last week on Saturday. It was awesome!:D The band was powerful and Amy Lee's singing voice was magical. I wish I could write a longer, separate entry on this - but I didn't have the time. I guess I was just too busy.:P. 2.T's finally back to working on Saturdays.:D YAY! Isn't that a great thing? I could tell that everybody at work is happy to have him around again - especially 'Goddess M'. I know that they've been best friends too before Githa and I ever came into his life. 3.Lots of stuff going on at work. Big projects are coming this month. Believe it or not, they have trusted me enough to start teaching Business English at a business school - starting March 12!:O I hope I can do it well and all things run smoothly. 4.Githa and T are going to Singapore on March 14. They'll be there for three days. I've badly wanted to go with them too, but I know I can't. The job comes first.:| I must be professional. Besides, T was the one who helped me get this job. They all know how I got in here. (Well, aside from the fact that T told me about this last year and his best friend Cameron the ex-manager interviewed me and finally let me in after the demo teaching - I did my best as well.) If I screw up (which I won't, so help me God), I'm afraid I won't be the only one taking the fall. He is too. And 'Goddess M' also tells him everything that goes on at work, so that means 'Big Brother' is still watching me.:P 5.My two-year-old nephew Ganesh has been hospitalized since Wednesday with pneumonia, anemia, and typhoid.:'-( I visited him last Friday and he was all skinny and pale. Poor baby. I hope he's getting better soon. 6.Ganesh's baby brother Gyan is one year old today.:D Happy birthday, baby. He had a slight fever too yesterday, but I'm glad that he's getting better today.:'-) 7.The drama still carries on around T and the girls. 'Big Brother' and the dazzling divas. 'Bosley' and 'Charlie's Angels'.:P We had a fun karaoke time last night at InulVista at Pejaten Village, but I sensed that I wasn't fully welcomed when I arrived there and late. Only Githa, T, and Dewi greeted me with their genuine smiles.:) (I can't believe that even pretty girls can also feel threatened by my existence. By me?*big evil grin* What a joke.) Ah, never mind.*sneers* Just because I often act like a kid, it doesn't mean that I don't notice things. I just pretend to be oblivious.:P R.

"J.B (I Remember You)"
Time flies faster than the blink of my eyes. I shouldn't be too surprised. Still, I never thought I'd have seen you again that night. Guess what? You were still such a sight. I remember you, long time ago - completely out of the blue. Your rebellious raven hair, and your sense of dramatic flair. You were standing tall and out alone, as if without a care. I couldn't really recall what had made me fall. I only remember my heartache in the end when my love grew unacknowledged, as if it had been less than existent along with our inevitably growing distance. Time flies, old friend. I guess I've moved on and become independent. I wasn't that broken, you see? The one you love is making you happy. I suppose it's meant to be, like I have completely set you free. Yes, I have always remembered you, but there's no point in feeling blue. I can always choose to turn my back on that memory lane, because I need to stay sane. I no longer wish to feel the same old pain. See you when I see you. Don't hesitate to stay in touch. Now I know that I never had a thing to lose. Once upon a time, I loved you that much and you used to be my muse. from the heart, R.

"ONE NIGHT IN KEMAYORAN - (25/2/2012)"
Queuing in Kemayoran (for a rock concert that night). Too bad, there were no hunks around. Damn, these eyes of mine were in need of 'entertainment'. Eye-candies, where had you gone? Oh, there was one. Yikes, he was not alone. His girlfriend's eyes were cold as stone. They were boring into my soul. Was she trying to swallow me whole. I thought: "Relax, will you? It's not like he's into me too." R.

"WELCOME TO LIFE"
Welcome to life. It's a place where you must strive just to gain a bit of what you want. Well, you're not the only one. Welcome to the real life. This world will constantly challenge you just to see whether you'll rise or fall apart - all black and blue. Are you ready? It's always your choice to be. Don't expect anyone to always agree with your every word as you please. Oh, yes. Don't we all search for the best? In the end, none of us is perfect, even to make up for what we lack. So seize the day, because being spiteful doesn't pay. It only leaves you alone in dismay! R.

THE REALITY SOAP
Oh, yeah. Life is full of drama. There is no doubt about it. Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. I've been very busy, as usual. A lot has been going on. I'm not sure where to start, but I'll try. Hmm, come to think of it, I guess I'll just give you some of the highlights for the past week and more: "One Fine Day" That's what Githa told me two Thursdays ago, right after she and I visited T at his apartment in Kuningan. It was my very first visit, so I guess I was a bit clumsy. I felt like a commoner entering a prince's palace or something like that. (Kuningan is one of the posh-looking areas in the city. I'm a suburban chick from the south. What do you think?:P) But T's cool, as always.:) He's been in quite a tight financial problem lately, so that's why Githa and I visited him there. We went to Epicentrum Walk so the two of them could have lunch there. (I'd already had mine earlier.) Then we went back to his apartment and stood by the balcony, admiring the city view. It looked beautiful that day.:D We talked and traded jokes. T showed us a bit of M's apartment. (It turned out that he bought another at a separate building nearby.) Then the three of us sat at the park on the connecting bridge between buildings, talking. A lot of things he shared us that day, but I choose not to write them here. Trouble at work, trouble back home. Small glitches in his two-year relationship with M. When M phoned him that late afternoon, T asked us to remain quiet. So we did. There he was, chatting merrily with his boyfriend - err, I mean 'partner' - on the phone. M had no idea that there were two girls who knew him listening as well. (M has a soft, husky voice on the phone.:P) It wasn't comfortable for me. I even had to walk away from them to cough, because I was a bit ill that day. I don't know how T was okay with that. I mean, it was (supposed to be) personal. We went back to his apartment for a while. He has an awesome-looking kitchen that Githa couldn't resist taking a picture of me there.*giggles* T just laughed and exclaimed, "Oh, my God! You girls!" T was meeting M outside the building after that, so Githa and I thanked him for the invitation. We parted ways with him downstairs because she had to get her motorcycle from the parking spot. That night, I texted T for encouragement: "Do you have any idea just how brave you are and you've always been? Don't you ever forget that, okay?:)" "Thanks for the reminder. I've had to be for most of my life." "That's the only way we (should) roll." "Hehe, okay. Stay safe and strong." "One Crazy Night" T suggested that I try hanging out at Epicentrum Walk after work sometimes. So, out of the blue, I did that last Saturday night - all alone, as usual. (Like I often tell my friends, I'm so damn good at being single and alone.*big evil grin*) Angie only walked with me all the way on the bridge before she caught a bus home. It would've been much more fun to have her around too that night, because she's just fun to hang out with. It was the night that I spotted that stage, with a TV screen, lots of cameras, and surrounded by visitors. They were having this 30-second challenge to dance and act as crazy as possible onstage, in front of the camera under the screen. The crazier you get, the higher the bar on screen rises. The prize? A new...Acer's Ultrabook.:O*gasps* No joke. And yes, I took that challenge. It was Saturday night, after all, and I was alone.*shrugs* Nothing to lose. Besides, I was also curious. There had been a few athletic-looking guys who couldn't cut it. *big evil grin* When it was finally my turn (after I registered with their promotion staff, of course), I got up onstage and took off my shoes to avoid slipping while dancing. I dumped my bag under the camera. Thump!Then I let my long, messy hair down and I heard people go: "Whoa!" with that. "Are you ready?" Oh, anytime, I mentally replied the host as I watched the screen. When I saw the timer begin, I started stomping and jumping as hard and fast as I could. Boy, it was hard! The bar kept staying in the middle and I was beginning to lose strength. "Use the hair!" someone from the gathering crowd called out. So I ended up headbanging, heavy-metal style.:P They cheered and applauded. I even challenged the camera with my freaky, grinning expression. I didn't care if I'd looked like a lunatic on the loose. I wasn't even thinking anymore. "Dingdingdingdingding!" I looked at the screen and couldn't believe my eyes. I scored 100 and the crowd roared. My wobbly legs couldn't support me anymore that I automatically fell flat on my face. "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE JUST WON AN ULTRABOOK!!":D I'm afraid I'm going to be even busier these days. I start teaching business class at a local college next month, and I need to help T a lot. He's been going through heavy times lately, and I wonder why M seems so passive about it. I mean, love is not just giving someone flowers, remember? I don't know. I'm just a kid here when it comes to romance.:( But first, I need to prepare for Evanescence's concert...tomorrow night!:D R.

"THE WALLFLOWER"
The wallflower is at the corner, watching them dance their great performance. When is the time for her to shine? Song after song, she's waiting for her chance. Still standing there, as they waltz around without a care. Is it really fair? The clock is ticking. Soon, there'll be no more songs to sing. Does this mean her hope is fading? "Ladies' choice?" She's tried that more than once. As often predicted, none ever lasts. It's getting late. Perhaps it's just her fate. She's already more than tired. Now she's turning around, leaving things behind. Unless someone finally sees her as more than just a wallflower. R.

ROMANCE - FROM A WALLFLOWER'S PERSPECTIVE
They say love is the most beautiful thing on earth. It's what makes the whole world go round and erase all your frowns. There have been countless definitions of love, but not all of them work for everybody. It is not merely my all-time cynicism or skepticism. It's just how reality works. At some part, I still do (want to) believe in love. Yes, I really do. I mean, if God didn't love me this much, then I wouldn't still be here today. He wouldn't give me so many second chances in life which I'm not sure I really deserve. All I have to do is be grateful for the life I've been given so far, right? We only live once. Why don't we just make the most of it - in positive ways, of course? If my family didn't love me this much, I don't know where and how I'd be by now. Sounds overly dramatic to you? I don't think so. I've witnessed so many miracles that come simply from a mother's prayers. Why not? How about friends? Well, I am glad that I've met so many amazing people who have put up with my craziness over the past years.:P I don't know whether they're crazy enough to keep sticking around for me - or they just have such great tolerance over my 'freakish' side. Either way, I can't thank them enough. Romance? Alright, there are reasons why I ended up calling myself a wallflower: "I want to know what love is...I want you to show me..." (Foreigner) I've always loved that song. Anyway, I have already accepted the fact that - even at this age - I know nothing about romance. Seriously. All teenage and adult life, I've been nothing more but a wallflower in the world of romance. (Sometimes I wonder if I tend to exaggerate it.) You may think I'm pathetic, but I no longer give a damn. I am so damn good at being alone/single that a lot of people think I don't need anybody at all. Well, what can I say? That's the only way I know to survive, so far. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. Be Ms.Independent. Should I change myself - JUST to please them or prove them wrong? No, I don't need that. I don't even want that. I only know how to be myself. If they can't stand me for that, then I'm sorry. I'm not responsible for their 24/7 happiness. I'm not that strong, generous, and stupid. "Maybe it's the relationship that you don't believe in. I know you still believe in love," one of my very insightful best friends once told me that. Either way, I am not ashamed to say that I know nothing about romance. I know nothing about being a girlfriend, because nobody has ever really given me a chance - even when they claimed they care. Some people I know might think of me as romantic, but still...I don't think that has nothing to do with romance. After all, being a wallflower means standing at the corner - or up against the wall - and just watching the other couples dance. Enjoying the music, while admiring the view with a bit of a single's envy. However, I am also aware that romance is more than just one slow dance. Once the song is over, what's the next step? Will you continue dancing for some more, or will you leave the floor? Will your partner stay, or do you have to part ways? Are you brave and confident enough for your solo performance? That's just the same thing with relationships, I guess. So far, I have only been the audience to other people's drama. I don't know how to change that. All I see is that sometimes falling in love feels like being an amateur stuntman/stuntwoman. It's that leap of faith you take, not knowing whether there'll be a safety net somewhere down there. Even if there is, how strong will it be to catch your fall? Only God knows. Do I feel lonely? Sometimes. I'm not going to be a total hypocrite about that, although I still believe that feeling alone in the crowd - especially the most familiar faces - is the worst kind of feeling. Should I feel sad? Not really. Why would I? The only feelings I can recognize these days are these: Cold. Distant. Displaced. I only know the heartbreak, and the emptiness that lingers. But then again, so what? R.

"WHITNEY"
The shows were over long ago. Many have missed you so. Where did you go? The spotlight now is on others, changing faces, different figures. Still, many have thought of you better. How have you been? They've always loved to hear you sing, 'though you were barely on the covers of the magazines. This is no bedtime story. Not everyone always gets all the glory, even when you used to be the leading lady. Never again will we see someone like you, and today is the day to sing the blues. Farewell and rest in peace... R.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED SKEPTIC
So, it's two more days before Valentine's Day. It's not that I'm looking forward to it anyway. I don't even celebrate it. I'm a romantically-challenged skeptic, remember?*sneers* I'm a love cynic. Well, if you ask me what I'm looking forward to - my answer would be seeing T again.:) Githa has told me that he'd actually arrived here last Thursday, but then he was flying again to KL with M. Hmm, sounds like it's all good to me. Githa and T are talking again. Things between T and M are going fine. Good. At least they're all happy. At least they're not like me - the love cynic.*sneers* So, anyway - they'll be flying back to Jakarta on Monday. After that, T will go back to work on Tuesday. If both of us are available, perhaps we could meet and hang out sometime this week. I miss him, I know, but we'll see how it goes.*shrugs* Not much to tell about the life and times of this romantically-challenged skeptic.:P*sneers* I attended another internal workshop about "Storytelling For Children" last Friday. It was pretty cool. It brought back sweet memories.:) I was a little disturbed by John's comment about me being more of an English/American than Indonesian. Why? We were on the same bus home that night and talking about sexual harassment that still often happens to women in this city. (How unfortunate.:|) "I am not letting any men think that they can do whatever the hell they like with me!" I retorted angrily. I didn't even care that the other passengers looked up or seemed annoyed by me. "I have the right to feel safe wherever I am. This is my city too!" "I've never heard any Indonesian women talk like that before," he told me, obviously looking surprised. "You sound more English or American." What? I stared at him in disbelief. I knew that he didn't mean to sound offensive with that. (He's a nice old man and I like him.) It's just...the sad truth I'm living in.:( I mean, I know my people. Many still barely realize the importance of gender equality and human civil rights - especially the women's - to this already way too fucked up society.:( In other words, what he said to me that Friday night sounded just like another wake-up call. The ringing keeps hurting my head. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing," he went on, noticing my darkened expression. "It's just that...you're different. That's all. I also think it's a good thing." "I know." I smiled at him but sighed sadly. "Well, what can I say, John? I'm quite an anomaly here." He laughed, and so did I. However, I was also thinking really hard about one thing that night. And I am still thinking about how to raise some serious awareness to this critical issue. Countless victims have already fallen, and more will be way too many. Last Saturday after work, I hung out with Angie and Rafiq at PIM - until pretty late at night. We'd actually asked John to come along, but he didn't want to upset his overly jealous wife Lily. (Ouch. Poor man.:|) The three of us had dinner at the food court. Rafiq was so hungry that he ordered Japanese food. Angie and I ate kebab. (I had extra fries.:D) Hanging out with them was fun that night. Angie and I shared the same wicked sense of dark humour that only feminists and love cynics can really relate to. Poor Rafiq had to put up with us for the rest of the night.xD*giggles* What else could we say here?*big evil grin* Angie and I were just being very, very realistic here. We are too old to believe in stupid fairy tales.*sneers* *deep sigh* I know.:| My mood is always like this through the first couple of weeks this February. I keep hearing these mushy, romantic love songs that don't represent my life at all. I avoid reading and watching love tales that seem so foreign to me now. I'm sorry, I just can't stand them anymore. I hate to be reminded of all my failures in love. I don't need to be reminded of what I haven't got. I guess I need to stop writing now before I start getting all depressed.:( Oh, well. A short break will do.:P R.

DEAR 'ABANGKU'
Dear 'Abangku', How are you, dear? I hope you're doing fine. I know you're coming back to Jakarta, but I don't know exactly when. I'm not going to ask you that. You know where to find me. I'm just a phone call, a text, or a click away. That also means I'm not going to give you this letter. (Unless you happen to read this by accident online, I guess. Well, that would be my bad if this upset you. I hope this won't.) Maybe I'm writing this more for me, like it's part of my daily self-therapy. If you're wondering how I am at work, don't worry. I'm all good here. I still remember what to do and try my best at it. I talked to your best friend/soul sister Githa yesterday afternoon online, before I decided to write this. How is she? She's fine, I guess, just a bit busier than usual. I believe she's already told both of us that. (That's why it's difficult to hang out with her lately.) I don't know, Bang. I get the impression that she's been feeling kind of lonely lately. She even admitted that to me once. She's not the only one, but how about you? Are you lonely too? Are the three of us lost and lonely? Can we meet - at least once - to hang out again someday? I had a nightmare about you last Monday night and told her all about it. It was so scary that I woke up shivering. In that dream, you were all black and blue - literally. Githa was there, nursing your wounds in silence. I kept asking who had done that to you, but you refused to tell me. Instead, you were crying. I am still hoping that will stay just a silly nightmare. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd deal with that if you ever got hurt that way. I know that you're always much bigger and braver than I am - and also how weird this whole thing sounds. Still, I never want that to happen to you. Maybe you don't realize, but I love you too much for that. I'm not calling you 'Abang' for nothing, remember? You're not just a best friend to me, but already like a big brother I never had - although I seldom show you that. Do you know that she barely gets along with the other girls at work these days, besides Mbak Dewi? I bet she'd told you that once, but she said to me that you didn't get her point. Knowing how sweet you are, I asked her to keep you out of it. You're the kind of person who wants to get along with everybody, even when you don't really like that person. You remind me of my best friends Tiger and Pumpkin. I wish I could be that way too. I think those other girls are just plain silly. So what if you feel closest to Githa? Even if you were a regular guy who's into girls, I'd still think the same. Their jealousy is stupid.*rolls eyes* I may not always agree with a lot of things in the world, but I still respect your personal choices. That's the only thing a friend can and should do, right? I know you still love M. It's just obvious. I don't know about him, though. I've only met him once. For your sake, I hope he's treating you well. All in all, Githa and I just want you to be happy. You know where to find us, love. See you when I see you. yours truly, R.

"TO THE DAMSEL IN 'SO-CALLED' DISTRESS"
Faces like stones. Their cold expression. You can see their smiles frozen. Eyes with their icy gaze leave you feeling out of place. Is this one of those days? Feeling suffocated. Being excluded. Once you're away, you're being talked about. So what now? Can't you figure it out? In your eyes, they're just a bunch of silly cows. Are you saying that life isn't fair? Don't you know that's only getting you nowhere? You can't expect anybody to always be there. Are you still playing 'the victim card', acting like you're falling apart, hoping they'll mend your broken heart? Well, guess what? You're only wearing them out. There are times when they don't need your black clouds. I know this sounds mean, but this is the real world we're in. Being tough is the only way to win. There are both sides to every story. If you don't take everything too personally, perhaps they'll take you more seriously. R.

THINGS ABOUT ME THESE DAYS:
I believe everyone makes a progress, but how far? How much? Is that enough? How about mine? Career? Check. Friendship? Check. Confidence? Check. Love?? Hmm.:| Whatever.*rolls eyes* There are things about me these days. I don't know if they can be called part of my 'progress', but hopefully they are: 1.I'm more productive in my writings lately, despite how busy I am.:D YAY! 2.I still have my dark, wicked sense of humour after all this time.:P Isn't that good? I need that to help me to get by sometimes. I have been many, and I guess I will always be. I am The Single Brown Female and The Quirky Bachelorette.:P And I am still The Romantically-Challenged Skeptic.*big evil grin* I am not sad about it, just being plain sarcastic. So what? It's a fact anyway.*sneers* Alright, perhaps that wasn't really a progress.*giggles* Anyway, carry on: 3.I am the girl whom you can call late at night and talk for hours about your problems. (But please, don't send me your phone bills after that, because I'm not paying anything.:P) Or, if you want, we can talk over coffee. When you open up, I can barely say a word. I may not always have the advice or solution to your problems, but at least I listen. That's the least I can do. And, if after that you want to come back to your boyfriends/girlfriends as if you've never argued with them and just forget about me, then that's fine too.*shrugs* Some guys tend to do that a lot. Something my friend Githa told me the other day still amazes me. You see, Hevi and Dewi (the girls I've known back at that school in Panglima Polim, when I was still working there) have already known T for a couple of years. Then came Nany and Novel. Githa said she'd only known T for a year, because another former teacher there named Chris has been a friend of both of them (Githa and T) as well. Me? Very recently. I mean, I've already seen T for a couple of years too, but we started getting close at the second year. Throughout the first, we'd only greeted each other briefly and made small talks in those short mornings before our ten o'clock classes - or thrown some comments and jokes on each other's FB walls. The funny thing was, we started getting close after he'd falsely assumed that I was a...dyke.xD LOL! I wasn't upset, but I often teased him a lot about that back then - quite mercilessly. Okay, I miss him - but he's flying here today.:D It's February 9 now. Anyway, once I asked Githa why T has trusted me enough with his past 'scars'. This is what she said: "Maybe it's because you're not judgmental or nosy. You know, not everybody in the world - especially here, can accept him for 'the way he is'." I see. With him being a nice guy, that makes it even much easier for me.:) Or maybe I've learned my past lessons.*shrugs* That's all.;) R.

"IT'S NOT THERE!"
She was frantically searching in the medicine cabinet on one quiet night. She couldn't find what she was dying to get. It wasn't there, and it wasn't right. Mother woke up to comfort her, but why didn't it make her feel better? Mother asked her,"What are you looking for? Why is it so hard?" Through her angry tears, her daughter snapped,"I can't find any cure for my broken heart!" R.

THE WAITING...
Evanescence is performing here in Jakarta on February 25, but my brother still hasn't bought our tickets yet. I'm getting edgy. When? I know I sound obsessive about this, but I always like to get ahead. You know, first things first. The sooner you do this, the better. Prioritize well. Well, that's just me, I guess.*shrugs* That's why some people say I'm not exactly a normal Indonesian.:P Even my American friends think so too. For example, if my class starts at eleven, then I will show up two hours before - mostly to prepare and then relax a bit. Why? I guess I'm not that good dealing with last minutes' surprises. T's flying back to Jakarta tomorrow, and I can't wait to see him again. YAY!:D I hope he's doing well. I have missed him so much, but I don't want to sound all spoiled and demanding for his attention soon. He's already like a big brother to me, but I still can tell when he needs his space. That's why I don't ask a lot of questions. I have only told him to just take all the time he needs and try not to get stressed out. That's it. If he wants to hang out with me again or talk, he knows where to find me. All he has to do is ask. R.

"SILENT WHISPERS OF THE UNHEARD"
Once I gave you the signs that not everything was fine. The same still happen too many times. More than once I tried to tell you this has been more than just my 'nonsensical blues'. Still, you didn't get a clue. All those years, I felt like talking to a wall. Every word I said bounced back like a ball. When would you get that wake-up call? So I drifted away, pretending everything was okay. What else could I say? Now you want me to hear you out, when I've already guessed what it's all about. What? It is time that you realized there is only one way out of this: Face the music. Deal with it. R.

THE NIGHTMARE
I don't know why I had that nightmare last night. The logical ones might tell me that must have come from exhaustion. I came home from work at sometime after nine last night. Plus, I still have essays to correct and mark.:| That dream was vivid. I was hanging out with T and friends, but only saw him and his best friend Githa. (Or maybe it was only them I hung out with in my dream. Maybe it was just a sign that I was missing them and worried about them at the same time.) There were people around. Suddenly, there was this strange guy who came up to him and spat out the hateful word to his face: "Faggot." Then he walked out. I didn't know why. The guy's face was blurred, but I could still see that obvious look in his eyes. They were dark, full of pure, intense hatred. I wanted to run after him, but T quickly grabbed me by the arm. His grip was warm but firm at the same time. I looked up at him and he smiled warmly at me, shaking his head slowly. "Don't," he said softly. "It's just not worth it." He reminded me of my dead college best friend Pumpkin a bit. Pumpkin had been like that too with his bullies in the past.:| Then the scene changed abruptly, almost like in a movie. It was much darker now around us. Were we at the end of the day? I wasn't sure. All I saw was T sitting there in front of me, all banged-up, black and blue in the face. He had a black eye and bruised cheeks. He looked pretty distraught and battered. Githa was there too, treating his wounds in silence. "Who did this to you?" I asked him, carefully touching his chin. He tried to look away, but I made him gaze back at me again. His beautiful dark eyes were gleaming as they looked down. I drew in a sharp breath. I felt a painful knot in my chest. Oh, no. He's going to cry.:( "Who was it?" I demanded, my voice rising. "Abang*, look at me. Who? You know it hurts me seeing you like this." He was still unusually rigid and quiet. I turned my eyes to Githa. She refused to meet my gaze, but her expression gave a bit away. It was like, she knew something but just wouldn't tell me. "Bang," I pleaded, looking back at T. He was already crying silently now. "Please, tell me who did this to you." He shook his head. I started shaking his shoulders with growing impatience, fearing my anger would hurt him worse. Githa was still there too, watching but didn't do anything to stop me. "Who did this?!" I was screaming now. "Who was it?! Tell me! Who did this to you?!" He was still crying, but I couldn't stop. Then my mind began to realize that it was just a dream, knowing that I would never really want to do such thing to him in real life. I closed my eyes and silently begged: I know it's a dream. I know it's just a dream. Wake me up. Oh, please. God, wake me up. I can't stand this anymore... When I finally woke up in my room this morning, I felt myself growing cold all over. I was shaking. I stared at the mirror, and a tear-stained face was staring back at me. Just a dream, I had to tell myself. It was just a dream. He's going to be just fine. Sssh... R.

YOURS TRULY, R.
Dear All, Changes occur in the blink of an eye. Time flies in a speed of light. Before you know it, you find yourself pacing forward - or perhaps running, trying your best/hardest to keep up. Stay ahead...or get left behind. After all, 'dog-eat-dog' is still the norm here. Staying completely 'human' is the constant challenge. I am writing for as long as I can, while I still have the time. Why? This has already been part of my life. It is what I always do, and enjoy doing.:) For me, life is full of interesting stories to share. I see what is around me, and I write to remember each of it. Not always, but at least I try.:) Enjoy reading, as usual. yours truly, R.

"LET ME KNOW"
Let me know when you're in town. It's been a long time since you were around. How have you been lately? Are you happy? Let me know when you're back in town. I hope you don't show up with a frown. You know it's been a while since I last saw your lovely smile. Worry not, for I am not that hard to find. Send me a signal, give me a sign. No need for you to be a tracker, as long as you still have my number. So let me know, once you are really in this town. I hope no one's bringing you down when all I ever want to do is cheer you up. I don't mind doing that job!

"THE AUDIENCE"
You've been a silent observer, sitting there at the corner. Some may notice you there, as others waltz by without a care. Aren't you the lovely audience, patiently waiting with your fixed glance? There are times when your eyes are weary, yet you remain alert completely. Real life is the movie, an endless drama for us to see. Multiplots entangled, controversy overload. Are you still on your seat? Are you already on your feet? Have you picked a side, or can't you even tell which one is right? Confusing? Wait, there's more to bring. How do you know that you're still an audience? What if the next scene is your possible chance to shine? Are you ready? Come on, every girl can be the leading lady. Perhaps you are also the real thing which will make this show more than interesting. Still, you need to be careful. The competition on stage can be tight and awful. They can stay plastic, but you must remain true. As far as I am concerned, that is the only thing you should do! The Author/QB

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?"
Do your eyes turn green everytime I pass you by? You only rely on what you've barely seen as you keep on spreading lies. Well, what do you know? Should I feel honoured to be your favourite show? Looks can deceive. You can choose whatever you'd like to believe. I don't get your envy when all I do is just be me. Well, what do you know? Are you trying to make me feel low? It's not my problem if you feel unhappy. I'm not responsible for your pathetic negativity. It's my life you've been poking. Stop being so bloody mean. Well, what do you know? You think you always do, but you never have a clue. The Author/QB

WE'LL SEE...
There are two things I've been looking forward to in the near future: 1.Evanescence's concert: Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen!:D Amy Lee and the boys are coming to my hometown to perform on February 25 in PRJ - Kemayoran, North Jakarta. I'm going there with my brother and his friends after work. My brother said he was going to buy our tickets this Friday, so I gave him my money last night. I don't know if M's going to go either. I remember that he attended Linkin Park's concert and Anggun's last year. I figured he loved concerts too. I'd like to ask him about this one too, but I'm not pretty sure. I mean, M and I aren't that close. We've only met once that Thursday night at Shisha Cafe before T's departure to Aussie for holiday. I know that - technically - T and M are still an item. Speaking of them, this leads to another thing I'm looking forward to in the near future: 2.T's return to Jakarta: He's already put a notice on his FB wall. He's flying back here on February 9.:D YAY! Out of the blue, we chatted online last night. Not much to say, but I got the impression that he's been dying to tell me something more important - but he asked me to wait until he was really here. Okay.*shrugs* As usual, I only asked him to take it easy, take all the time he needed, and try not to get stressed-out. He thanked me for that.:) Githa also called me last night. I know that things haven't gone that well between her and T lately. I hope the two of them can patch things up when T gets back. I mean, they've already known each other longer before I even entered the picture. It shouldn't be that hard to bring them back together like before, should it? Where do we all go from here? What's next? We'll see... The Author/QB

"YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS" (THE LOVE SONG DESTROYER'S BLUES)
What is going on, my child? There is something you have been trying to hide. The songs you listen to are no longer the same. You keep telling me it is nothing but a game. What's been happening, my girl? Where is the cheerful teenager? You used to believe in those beautiful love songs. Now you're telling me they all sound so wrong. "Nothing," you always answer flatly. It's just how you deal with reality. You say we all grow up and apart. Sometimes it's hard to avoid a broken heart. So, what are your favourite songs today? "Anything but love songs, please," you say. "I need to stay awake, just for my own sake!" The Author/QB

THE GITE WEEK
I know, I know.:P I have practically 'disappeared' for a week from here. 'Mari' has been right all along. GITE had taken most of our free time last week. I had no other chance neither will to do anything else. My mind was completely on it. A lot happened last week. I am not sure if I can recap all completely, but - as usual - I am going to try. All I know is that we have learned a lot in a week. Tuesday was the very first day. I must say that I was pretty glad that 'Goddess M' herself was our trainer. She could help me more, since we work in the same branch school in Kuningan. And indeed she has.:) She has already told me that I know where to find her when I need more help. (Personally, I think she has to apply for that AcTL position at work - because I believe she is really that good.) Wednesday was a serious wake-up call for me. I think it is about time that I started taking up more foreign language lessons (or perhaps re-learning the ones I have already forgotten. Arabic or Spanish? Both?? Some more???) What was very annoying last week was that I had had a seriously painful migraine for three days straight! No, I was not joking. One of the trainers there even suggested that I put my shades on the entire time, just in case the migraine might have come from my eyes being photosensitive. Desperate to find a quick cure, I took that advice.:P So there was I, playing a bad parody of Stevie Wonder indoor - under the lights. The GITE training ended on Saturday. It was also the day that I had finally signed my first one-year contract there as a part-time teacher. After that, we hung out with 'Goddess M', another senior teacher named Oke, and Hetty the finance staff for a fun, karaoke night nearby.:D The Author/QB

"NINE LIVES - ON JANUARY 22, 2012"
Close your eyes. The sight is too much to bear. Don't cover your ears. You still need to hear. Nobody says it's easy, yet this is still reality. You may wonder why they all had to die. It only took one night, an intoxicated driver in a speeding car to get this far - sending nine lives out of sight... http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2012/01/23/car-crash-victim-s-father-wants-maximum-punishment.html http://www.ketiksaja.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/7kBISMpZqZ.jpg

REAL GIRLS VS. (TACKY) DRAMA QUEENS...:P
First of all, Happy Chinese New Years to all of you who are celebrating it today.:D So, this is also my last holiday before my GITE week. No problem.:) I'm still having fun anyway, eventhough I'm mostly all alone.:P I guess that's the advantage of being a freelance writer. You get used to solitude and know how to make a good use of it - so you don't feel (too) lonely. It's all good.:) I chatted with my good friend Githa again last night. She asked me about 'our brother' T, and I told her I hadn't really spoken to him again yet. Neither had she. Of course, again we both hope that he'll be alright. I think he is.:) At least that's the impression I get from his pics on FB. Speaking of FB, we were also laughing at our colleague Novel's FB status last night.xD*big evil grin* That childish girl complained about getting rejected online after she tried adding a few strangers to her list, only because they didn't know her and didn't want her to. Well, what can I say?:P Deal with it. That's just how (real) life is. What a dork!*rolls eyes and sneers* I mean, that girl should know that she's not all that. *deep sigh* Okay, sorry if I sound like a total bitch about her.:| I know how she's treated Githa and she has also insulted me once. Back when I was still at Panglima Polim, I once heard her complain about lack of money at the end of the month. In the name of empathy, I told her: "Yeah, I know the feeling." (I mean, that was what normally happened to everybody there.:P Come to think of it, why the fuss anyway?) Do you know what she did after that? She stared at me with her "What-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it?" attitude and sort of retorted: "But you're still living with your parents." I was taken aback at that. Whoa! So that's what you'd get for trying to be empathic. I mean, what's wrong with that? What's with the superiority bullshit about living on your own? Everyone has their reasons. I just stared back at her and she sensed my annoyance. She squirmed uncomfortably. "Uh, did I just insult you?" "No," I replied calmy...and rather flatly too. Then I gave her the bomb: "My dad has a stroke." She went pale with shock. Then a flush of redness swarmed over her cheeks with embarrassment. "Oh, my God," she breathed. "I didn't know that. I'm so sorry." Sure, sure.*rolls eyes* I know she wasn't being sincere about it, but I just let that slide. Not long after that, I only told Githa not to mind her so much. She's just a silly cow, often opening her big mouth without thinking first. Like the time she posted such a horrid FB status that says: "You can't be best friends without insulting each other.:)" Ha-ha.*sneers* After that, I won't be too surprised if her friends might gradually disappear (unless those who share her sick idea of 'friendship'.) That's why I believe Githa's stories about her being such a bitch to her, making fun of her looks and acting like she's much better - like, prettier and richer - than Githa. Ha! She has no idea what Githa has been through in her life, yet she never shows any sign of weakness or pathetic attempt at seeking for sympathy. It was hard for her, and I admire her courage and endurance. She speaks three languages (Indonesian, English, and Dutch) and never even bothers to show off or brag about it. If T prefers hanging out with Githa a lot more than those other girls, then I'm not too surprised. (Dewi is out of the question, because she's already married and also the most mature and graceful among us.:D) And I also know that those girls can't stand me either, even before Githa told me that. *sighs* Oh, well. Seriously, those girls need to grow up. (Except Githa and Dewi.) I mean, there are so many, more important stuff than just movies, fashion, boyfriends... Ugh. The Author/QB

"YOUR VERSION OF 'NORMAL' "
Can I be your version of 'normal'? Sorry that you don't see me as a regular girl. The kind that fits your requirements, or the type that meets your expectations. Should I be your version of 'normal', or why don't you just let me be me? I know I'm not your ideal of a 'typical beauty', or what you think a 'real woman' should be. Do I have to be your version of 'normal'? Does that even sound 'reasonable'? You wish for me to be somebody else, just to put your insecurity to rest. Wait, why should I? Why the hell would I? I'm not sorry for being me. Too bad that doesn't make you happy. It's a shame. You refuse to accept me for who I am, yet you insist that I should understand that a man like you cannot be changed. Can I be your version of 'normal'? Well, even if I could, that would be terrible. I'm not trading my sanity only to get you to like me. Oh, what a horrid idea! My answer to your demands is:'NO!' Now it's time for you to go. The Author/QB

WHAT ELSE? WHAT'S NEXT?:P
First of all, I'd like to wish my best friend Tiger a happy birthday.:D He's turning 26 today! Alright, secondly - my GITE training starts next Tuesday in Fatmawati.:) I think I'm really looking forward to it now. It's going to be for the entire week. (That means, no teaching schedule for me.) I know that I won't get paid for doing that, but I don't really care.*shrugs* It's important. It's going to help me with my job/career. And I also consider this as my temporary getaway from my boring routines.:P Perhaps I'll also get to meet more interesting people there later.:) Samuel = Ryan Gosling's dead-ringer?*big evil grin*:P Of course, I'm a normal girl. What do you think? Hehe.:P Third, Evanescence's concert.:O*gasps* At last, they're coming to perform here...in PRJ Kemayoran, North-Jakarta. The date is February 25, not March 19. (Okay, so I was misinformed.*blushes*) I hope it's at night, since I also work on Saturdays. We'll see.;) You know, I seldom go out these days. I am very careful with my money. I just need the entertainment, at least once in a while. Hmm, what else? There's another new teacher named Richard. After the dead-ringer of Ryan Gosling, now I've seen quite the mirror image of Matthew Settle or Steve Eckholdt(sp?) Or perhaps, he's the lovely mixture of both.:P What's next? *giggles* For the previous two Saturdays, Rafiq has kindly offered me a lift home from work - especially since he also lives in South Jakarta. From there, I know that he loves listening to Slipknot and Rage Against The Machine, because that's what he played on his car stereo then. But he was being such a typical guy when he first learned that I too fancy such bands.:P I mean, why is that so surprising that a girl could be into heavy-metal as well? Ha-ha.*sneers* I found that really amusing.:P But then again, I've been thought of worse. Besides, he's still a pretty nice lad.:) In fact, I enjoy hanging out with John and him as well. They're smart and funny. We share quite a similar sense of humour. Until then, The Author/QB

"BLOOD-THIRST BUREAUCRATS"
Oh, you blood-thirst bureaucrats, real-life vampires and rats, looking like human but with no hearts. Has your conscience been torn apart? What are you doing in your well-polished castle, while we're fighting our daily battles? All you keep doing is take away what we earn, while you're leaving us to burn. Tell me, how important is for you to remain picture-perfect, while we've been too aware of the fact that you choose to ignore what we need, as you keep giving into your greed? You think you always have the power. Too bad that doesn't make you any greater. You think you can always step on us, like a giant feet on a pile of dust. So, blood-thirst bureaucrats, have we successfully quenched your thirst? Are you still demanding for more from us to drop? Oh, will you ever really stop? I think I'm wasting my time with this poem. You're still playing the same, old game. It's just a matter of time before your castle is in ruins. That will be the day that we win! The Author/QB

CATCHING UP WITH FRIENDS...
I went online last night, e-mailing my short story to the magazine while chatting with some people I know. A lot of things to catch up with, as always.:P Life in the big city, they say.*shrugs* Hardi, or H., doesn't feel like going home this Chinese New Year. His family wants him to get married soon - to a girl, that is - especially since he's already over thirty and still single. The problem? Yep, your guess is right. He's gay. But then again, that's no longer something new here. It's become a common issue. Dewi said everybody was fine at work in Panglima Polim.:) Good. I miss her, Robert, and Michael. Robert always made me laugh when I was still there. I loved his stories. And Michael?:) He was always appreciative of my writings. I mean, he still is - since we still e-mail each other. Which reminds me that I still want to send him some more.:) Chikaw told me that she met Viona and her baby girl Annabel at PIM.:) I know that The Lindsays are up on their world adventure soon, so I'm happy for them too.:) Who the hell came up with a stupid idea called SOPA?!:xAre they trying to cramp my style and the bloggers around the world? Why? I asked my friend Hani in Minnesotta about it, and she said she'd check. I hope it won't be passed and legalized.:( The Author/QB

"THIS TWILIGHT ZONE"
Welcome to this twilight zone. It's where you are left alone. It's where looks can deceive that you wonder which one to believe. You can't just believe in everything you hear, even when they sound crystal-clear. And what do you smell? Be careful, they might make you feel unwell. How about a touch? Will that be way too much? Please, watch out when you have a taste. If it's awful, you might fall all over the place. So, are you ready? How brave can you be? There's no guarantee that you'll walk away for free. So, welcome to this twilight zone. It's where you're mostly left alone. Among the crowd, you have to survive on your own, even if this place looks like home! The Author/QB

THESE ORDINARY DAYS...
Katy Perry's performing here in Jakarta on January 19. That means tomorrow night. However, I'm not going because I'm not interested.:P It's that simple. But if Jessie J. comes, I will.:D If Hoobastank comes again, I don't care that I've already watched them three times. I love them so much that I want to do that all over again!:D Right. For March 19, there'll be Evanescence coming to perform here. YAY!:D I know that I haven't bought the ticket yet, but I really, really want to go there. I'll also be going with my brother and his friends. I'm still waiting for my phone interview with one of the GITE instructors from Fatmawati. They'll be calling me sometime this week. Hmm, what else? I've been catching up with lots and lots of reading and writing lately. Wait, that's what I only do these days.:P I don't even go out that much anymore. I've just finished another horror story I'm going to send to the magazine soon, and now I'm eager to write some more. I guess it's been a long time since I last did that. Or, I could say, these days are perfect for me to escape my mind into a 'fiction land' for a while. Hehe.:P And there'll be more to come, I'm sure.:) The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 5"
I am glad. I'm not one of those lads captured and swayed all too damn easily by your picture-perfect beauty. No, this is not a plain Jane's envy, or whatever the hell you might think of me. My silence is not a sign of my weakness. It's just that I couldn't care less. So, what are you going to do now, besides acting like a silly cow? To me, you're just a joke, 'the flavour of the week' for the tacky blokes. You think you're cool. Oh, you're such a pathetic fool. I know I haven't got much to offer, but what makes you think that you're always better? So, go ahead. Keep treating other people bad. As much as I'm concerned, someday soon - you're going to burn. I know I'm always more than alright, once you're out of my sight. But if you choose to stay around, I won't let you push me to the ground. Still got something to say? Well, I'd rather be away. Thank you so much for your corny show, now take a bow and go. The Author/QB

SHORT WEEKEND STUFF...
Well, it's one week before my GITE training on the 24th. I don't know if I'm really looking forward to it, but that sounds interesting. I've never really been to their Fatmawati branch school, so that will definitely be my new experience as well.:) I guess I've pretty much impressed 'Goddess M' last Friday.:) How so? I showed up at work despite no teaching schedules. I was only there for their internal workshop "Speaking Test For Young Learners" at 3:00 pm and stayed there for an hour. It was no big deal.*shrugs* Besides, it was helpful. The presenter - Samuel - is quite a dead-ringer of Ryan Gosling.:P Hehe, no kidding. He's from the Fatmawati branch school as well, so I'm kind of hoping that I will get to see him again during my GITE week.*big evil grin* That will be the day! Last Saturday, I hung out with Githa after work. I was very lucky that my friend Rafiq offered John and me a ride. He dropped me off near Plaza Senayan and I bid farewell to the lads. I hope Githa and T will be okay. I know that he got a bit defensive when she told him that she hoped M was treating him right. It was just a slight misunderstanding, right? I shouldn't be too worried about them, eventhough I care. The Author/QB

"UNTIL THEN..."
Have no worries nor fears, my dear. I am sure it is pretty clear. He knows we care. He knows we'll always be there. I am thinking about him too, but for now - there isn't much that we can do. He still needs his time away. Let's keep praying that he's going to be okay. Love is the greatest thing on earth, yet there are times when it's better not to say a word. It's alright to feel protective. For him, that's also what I'd like to give. I believe he's strong enough to survive. He'll do whatever it takes to stay alive. Soon, we'll meet him again, our dearest friend. The Author/QB

"THE RAGE WITHIN 2"
Let it go, they'd say. Nothing is forever yours anyway. You've worked your hardest for it. Still, you could lose what you've earned. So, what are you going to do now? Nothing. Let God take care of everything. Let the bad suffer, sooner or later, while you gain something better... The Author/QB

"HOW ARE YOU?"
Are you there? She's been wondering if you're okay, although she understands that you need to be away. You deserve the break for as long as you may. How are you? I've been wondering about that too. Well, I'm sure that's nothing new. Even when my silence doesn't show what's actually true. Are you happy? We're hoping that you are, although we're far apart. We're praying that nobody will ever break your heart. I choose not to ask too much, but make sure we'll stay in touch. You know where I'll be. You know where to reach for me. So, are you still there? I hope you are, and know that we care. The Author/QB

"SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL"
Who are you? Where are you from? I didn't know what to do whenever you came around. There was something in your eyes that left my emotions undisguised. Or was it your smile which stole my breath for a while? I don't know. I'm not sure. I've been captured by your inner glow, as if all my sorrow was instantly cured. Your voice projected serenity. Something that's hardly part of me. The sweetest tunes in my ears, chasing away all my fears. Where will you go? Will I ever really know? Now I find myself struggling just to face another new empty space. They'd say I shouldn't just stand there, pretending not to care. Do we even stand a chance as something more than 'just friends'? Now you're gone. I must carry on. There's no point in daydreaming, so I'll stop this wishful thinking. No regrets I should feel about how we've only been. Still, I thank God that you're real, the most beautiful one I've ever seen. (for MKB) The Author/QB

"YOU"
You don't know me, yet you see me everyday practically all your life. You don't see me. In your eyes I'm just a freak as annoying as I can be. You don't listen to me. I'm just the silent whisper of the unheard. You don't talk to me. Oh...wait, you still do, but only when you need me to do something for you. Should I feel hurt or offended, with how often you take me for granted? Or should I just pretend there's no meaning in your every word? Well, what do you know? You remain self-absorbed as you keep telling the whole world that I am the kid with no heart of gold. Why should I tell you? You keep ignoring the clues. The Author/QB

A BAD FEELING IN THE GUT...-'_-
As usual, I do the same old, crazy thing when I'm sick. I keep going to work. Just like what I did yesterday.:P I know, old habits die hard. I still act tough most of the time. Even my friend 'Mari' said I was more like a Japanese girl, with my (so-called) Bushido mentality. *giggles* At least I'd shown up there wearing a surgical mask, so my face was partly covered. My people have no problems if I don't, but the foreign employees might. I just chose to play safe. There's a new teacher named Ed. I've only seen him twice, so I still can't tell much about him yet. It was raining pretty hard again last night that I had to go home by taxi instead of a bus. I was still sick, so I didn't dare risk myself being drenched under the rain again. Out of the blue, Githa texted me that night. She said that she'd been worried about T lately. She had a gut feeling - a very strong hunch this time - that M wasn't treating him right again. Why am I not surprised? Sometimes, it doesn't take a person with 'special abilities' to read the signs. For all of you skeptics out there, I personally believe that 'the sixth sense' does exist.*big evil grin* We all have that, but only some of us have it much stronger than the rest. (Like my friend Githa, for example.) And it can be trained, developed, and...used. No, I'm not joking.:P All it takes is that person's willingness to learn and open up. I know it'll never be 100% accurate, though, since - in the end - only God knows everything. (FYI, even the 'special' ones aren't always accurate either. They're probably only...well, about 80%-ish accurate.) And for the regular people, their sixth sense only works for the people they know. The more they care about those people, the stronger it gets. For me, I usually get it through my dreams/nightmares. Then I start reading any other 'signs' the moment I'm awake, like how that particular person behaves and how the other people act towards him/her when they're around. It's their aura too. It's pretty easy, actually. Like the first time G came into MY family. I had already sensed something rather 'off' about him, but nobody listened to me. (Right, who ever really does listen to a freak, anyway?*sneers* I've sensed 'The Twilight Zone' for a very long time while they were all still in the dark.*rolls eyes*) Not even Mom, until it was all way too late. They've got to deal with this reality now, and I'm not going to say: "I've told you so." Okay, back to T. I know that all he needs right now is to just enjoy his holiday in his hometown Sydney. I know that Githa cares about him very deeply, as much as I do too. And I can also tell that M isn't all that serious in their relationship as much as T really is. But what can Githa and I do? Just wait and see. Like I've already told her last night: "He'll come to either of us when he needs to talk." Deep down, I really do hope T's okay. I know that I don't want him to get hurt again. I just want him to be happy, but - I have to believe - that he's old enough to take care of himself, no matter what might happen in the end. The Author/QB

WHEN WILL I SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN?:)
How was my first week back at work after the holiday?:P Exhausting.:| As anyone can see me now. I had to spend this weekend with the damn cold. I hate it. I always hate being sick. It's the sense of powerlessness that I can't stand. I must get better soon. My friend Vince is away on holiday. He's off to Penang. I've missed him already.:| He's like 'the life and soul of the party' at work. (Well, he's something like that.:D) He seems always happy and to know when to cheer people up. He's funny. I hope he'll be back soon.:) I can't wait to see him again and hear about his exciting adventures there. Whom else am I missing now? T, of course. Some students at the school asked me about him yesterday: "Is he coming back?" "I don't know, guys. Let's hope so." Indeed. Let's just hope so... T's best friend Githa told me that she was going to be very busy this year. I know that she's also gotten sick to death of 'the other girls' (except Dewi, though.) They've been bitching about her - behind her back, of course. But when she's around, they make snide remarks about her 'appearance' and 'behaviour' toward T. (And I'll have to say this once again: they're just being so bloody absurd. T's gay and what are they so jealous about?:P*rolls eyes*) Don't worry, I'm still standing on the sideline. It's better off that way.:P It's much safer too. Do you know whom I missing as well? I can't believe I'm saying this. Through all my teaching career, I've never had a serious crush on a student before. Until now.:P*blushes* Last Friday was his last day (or so I've heard.) I tried my best not to start developing any sort of emotional attachment to him, so I showed up at work right after he'd left. There was no point in getting myself crushed over his departure. I've got to stay professional. Besides, I don't think I stand a chance. I'm 30, he's 26. I'm Indonesian, he's Iranian. I'm a teacher, he's a student. (And he's enrolling at my old campus this April. He's studying IT at their international program.) I know that my friends will tell me not to give up so soon yet, but...I don't know.*shrugs* I'm not really sure about any of that now. Do I really need a relationship? I hardly think much about it these days. I'm not going to start asking myself whether this is normal or else. I'm so past that. I just know that reality has taught me a lot. Having a relationship with the opposite sex is not the ONLY key to happiness. (Although, I'm not being hypocritical about this, it's still a good, normal thing that every normal person needs.) In the end, you're the only person who can really, really take care of you - and the one that should. Or maybe I'm just too damn good at being alone and I don't know how to change that for now.*shrugs* The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 4"
How would you like it, if you were the centre of this universe? I bet you'd enjoy every bit of your perfect little world. Their schedules are irrelevant to you. It doesn't matter what they do. All you want is their attention, as if you'd perish without their acknowledgment. You always have loose ends, and people to answer to your every demand. Your eyes are too blind to their exhaustion, as you cry out for their compassion. They have to keep on their toes, while you keep making the rules as you go. How would you like it, if you were the centre of this universe? I bet you'd be the happiest on earth. Before it gets worse, I'd like you to watch me as I leave your perfect little world... The Author/QB

THE STRANGEST, 10 PM 'MONOLOGUE' :P
(This was the strangest conversation - or, should we say, 'monologue' :P - I'd ever had...with a cat. Well, it was 10 pm anyway. I'd just got home from work and there she was in the driveway, staring at me with her cute, amber eyes.) Me:"Hi, Kitty." Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"How are you?" Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"Cool. I'm fine too. Thanks for asking." Kitty:"Mrreoww." (I bent down to pet her for a while. She shook her tiny, triangular head a couple of times. Her head was down when I began scratching her neck. From the way her eyes closed, I could tell that she was rather ticklish.) Kitty:(purrs)"Rrrh...rrrh..." Me:"Like that, huh? I know you do."(smiles and keeps scratching her neck) "You know, if Dad weren't sick - he'd do this too. He'd love it if he could." Kitty:"Rrrh...rrrh..." Me:"Yeah, I'm sure you two could get along very well." (I got up and went to open the front door. She followed me.) Kitty:"Mrreoww." Me:"No, Kitty, no. I'm not letting you in tonight. I can't, eventhough I want to. Sorry, Mom won't like it." Kitty:"Mrreoww?" Me:"I know, I know. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight, Kitty." (She sat down. I went into the house and closed the door behind me.xD LOL!) The Author/QB

THE SILENT WHISPERS OF THE UNHEARD...
Can I keep myself calm these days? I don't know, but I'll still try. No promises, though. I'm glad I'm back to work this week. I could go crazy staying home too long. I can't stand seeing how she and her stuck-up husband keep treating their eldest son.:( Poor Ganesh-ku. If only they had more patience... Right.*rolls eyes* Once again, just who the hell am I kidding here anyway?*sneers* They're not ready. None of them really is, but it's already way too late now. They've got two boys of their own. That's no longer an excuse. They've got to GROW UP. I mean really, really growing up. Do me a favour, God. Make them both leave me alone, or they will only piss me off some more. Help me find a suitable place to live. I've been staying here too long that I'm starting to feel more like the Asian version of Bridget Jones.:( Make Mom let me go. But most importantly, help me find the strength to carry on. These days, Mom often complains about her 'perfect' daughter and 'perfect' son-in-law.*rolls eyes* I feel sorry for her, but am also dying to say: "Well, you've asked for this, remember?"*sneers* But of course, I never do. What for? It's too late now. It's not like she'll listen to me this time. She never did, remember? I am sorry to say this, but I no longer have patience nor tolerance to deal with any of that. I'm tired. I am fed up, okay? She asked for this. It's too late for any regrets now. *deep sigh* Alright, enough with those same, old 'issues' at home. How are things at work lately, right after the holiday? It's fine, I guess. I still try my best at work, get along with everybody as well as I can, and play dumb to 'office politics'. (For the last bit, I don't know how long that will last. T has assured me that I will survive, and I seriously hope so too.:P) The good news? I am assigned to join their GITE (General Introduction To Teaching English) program, starting on January 24. I know that I've been an English teacher before, but it's all good.:D Hmm, what else? I haven't got online yet lately. Except being on FB through my phone (which still, I can't do much either.:P) A lot of unnecessary drama is still going on between T's little 'angels'. I know I shouldn't have gotten myself involved in this, but...well, I'm pretty good at lurking in the shadows - like a cat.:P I'm mostly The Silent Witness or The Uninvited Vampire, unless if they talk to me first. The Author/QB

ME VS. THE 'PERFECT' DAUGHTER :x
It's more than funny just how other people can change our moods abruptly in a matter of seconds. Here I am, wanting to start this year with optimism. I know that I still believe that everyone is solely responsible for their own feelings. Still, she has ruined it for me.:x I shouldn't have been too surprised. Once The Princess Brat, always The Princess Brat.*rolls eyes* Why the hell should I expect too much from her? She'll never change. I'm sorry. I don't care if she's my own sister. I don't care if I start sounding like a bitch again. I am just too tired to care, okay?! I am fed up with this whole shit. I only stick around because of Dad and the boys. That's it. I've had it. No matter what I do, I can never win. In her eyes, I never do anything right. I will always be the spoiled, childish kid. (Hey, look who's talking!) I'm the lazy bitch and she's the grown-up. Ha-ha.*sneers* How ridiculous that sounds.*big evil grin* But if I start denying that, I bet she'll go on and on about how I don't understand because I'm still single. Unfortunately, she's one of those women who regard marriage status as a sign of pure maturity and independence. Ha! What a joke. I'm sure you can tell why I'm the (labeled) 'freak' in the family here.*sneers* Surprise, surprise. Yay. Hell, not so much anyway. That's your son. He's only two years old, so you can't expect him to grow up soon and start thinking like an adult just yet. You can't expect him to follow your every standard for what a perfect little boy he should be! If he wants to see you while you're asleep, that's your problem - NOT mine. You're the mother, NOT me. Welcome to the real world called 'parenting'.*sneers* It's the place where your little kids still can't tell the difference when you're tired or not. They just know they need you because that's what they feel - and it's perfectly normal, okay? If you're still demanding for more 'free, me-time', well guess what?! It's too late! You can't have too much of it anymore, because you've got to put your children first. You can't be all too selfish anymore. It's no longer all about you. After all, you're the one who wanted to get married and have kids, remember?*sneers* So, there! And don't you dare yell at me for that. If you're bitter that I am still single, then too bad. It just sucks to be you right now, doesn't it? Mommy's 'perfect' daughter?? My new year resolutions? Here we go: 1.Be more productive in my writings. 2.Get out of that house and find a new place to live on my own. Fast! Sorry, Daddy.:( I just can't stand her anymore... The Author/QB

"LET IT RAIN"
Let it rain. Let it rain. Let the pouring water wash away your pain. Shall we dance? Take this chance. Please, don't stand there in silence. There's a new day ahead, so stop feeling so sad. Let it rain. Let it rain. Once we heal, we can smile again... The Author/QB

A SIMPLE GREETING...:)
"Another year,another chance to live.Never let hope disappear,we've still got so much to give.Happy New Year 2012." love, The Author/Quirky Bachelorette/Romantically-challenged Skeptic :P

"MAUDLIN?"
It's not maudlin, my love. It's just how my feelings run, even when not everything is said and done. You know that you're always the one. You're on my mind all the time. As bloody cliche as this sounds, I hate the thought of you gone. It's not maudlin, my love. It's just my emptiness within. Can't you tell just how long has this been? Is this a sign of a dying dream? You're out of touch, it seems. Even your presence leaves me with such cold feelings. Doesn't that show us something? It's not maudlin, my love. No, it's not that at all. It's the fact that I'm about to fall, crashing to the ground or thrown against the wall. You used to make me feel so tall. Now you're making me feel small. This is more than just a wake-up call. It's not maudlin, my love. I've been missing you, even when you're around. I need you, but you're often nowhere to be found. Enough is enough, because we no longer share the common ground. It's not maudlin, my love. Maybe I'm just asking for too much, although I don't think it's a lot. Otherwise, we wouldn't be where we are, together but apart. 'My love', am I still entitled to even call you that? The Author/QB

LIVING THE DRAMA...
Life is an endless series of drama. You can grow tired of it sometimes, yet you can't just get away from it. The only thing that you can do is to minimize its side-effects. Don't let yourself get too carried away. It's easier said than done, I know.:P But it's true that life can be full of drama. Oh, wait. Just who the heck am I kidding here?*big evil grin* Life is the drama.*giggles* Alright, I'm not rambling sensibly. Sorry. We're counting down to New Year 2012. It's getting close, we all know. Although I'm not doing anything special for that, I know that this is the time to get more creative...again.:D So far, I've already sent three short stories to local magazines. I hope they'll like it and I'll earn more money from them. Hehe...:P Well, I've also been quite productive with my poems lately.:) Surprisingly, I don't just write about myself this time. I've finally had my karaoke time with Gigi yesterday.:D Unfortunately, most of our usual 'crew members' couldn't make it. Mas Wid was away for something. Gigi's boyfriend Froggy is in Semarang. Gigi's best friend Uthie had a night-shift. (Knowing that she works in a five-star hotel now, I think she's going to be stuck there until New Year's Eve.:P) But that's okay. We sung for three hours straight!:D That was real FUN. It's been a very long time since we last did that. Gigi had finally met my friend Patrick. No, not that night.:P She met him when she had an interview for Wall Street Institute. Patrick interviewed her! Such a small world, eh?*giggles* I got to the karaoke place an hour too early, so I roamed around a bit. I bought the latest issue of CHIC. I was heading to the ATM counter when my cellphone started ringing. (Steve Vai's "In My Dreams With You" is the tone.:P) It was Githa. What a surprise!:D "Hey, girl. What's up?" It turned out that Githa was still out of town - on her holiday. Why did she call? Lots of things. (It's not that I wasn't happy to hear her voice, but I was worried about her phone bill!) It turned out that T - who's still in Australia with his family and friends now - was checking on me through her. She said he'd been worried about me. (What?) One of my updated FB statuses triggered that.:| It was about my migraine. (Note to self: Next time, don't write too much on that.:P) He was also worried about whether I was happy at my workplace or not.(???) I told Githa that I'd already sent him an FB message on that. She also suspected that my migraine episodes had something to do with something more..psychological. I know what she meant.:( The Author/QB

"THE RAGE WITHIN"
1, 2, 3. Did you think it was funny? 4, 5, 6. God, you're making me sick. 7, 8, 9. No, what you did wasn't fine. 10, 11, 12. Envious and bitter with what others have? 13, 14, 15. No sympathy for you, because you're being so mean. 16, 17, 18. What a pathetic loser you've always been. 19, 20, 21. Please, just be gone! 22, 23, 24. Are you too dumb to find your exit door? 25, 26, 27. Or, do you prefer that I get even? 28, 29, 30. Someday soon,you'll be very, very sorry. For now, just pray to God you'll never have to deal with me. Seriously, I can be pretty nasty. Just bug off, okay? The Author/QB

WTF?!:x
"I'm so sick to death of thick-headed,insecure bikers in this city who use their inadequacies and poverty as an excuse not to have to apologize for bumping into cars.If they hate people who can afford to have the cars,then get lost!" :x #roadrage I'm sorry, but I'm still reeling from it. I know just what I'm capable of when I'm at my worst.:( No, I'm not joking, okay?:x Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. *deep sigh* Right, I need to take some really deep breaths now... *sighs* There. Okay, I'm going to make this as short and simple as possible, especially in order not to get my anger on the rise again. But if I happen to do so, then I must stop writing this because I'm sure my hands will start shaking so violently. Why do I hate that prick on wheels so much? Many reasons. I know 'hate' is such a strong word (because I didn't even know him personally - and I never want to after what had happened yesterday), but I really don't give a shit. My brother (who was driving at that time) had kindly told him to be careful. It happened when the traffic light was still red. And what did that son of a bitch do? He laughed us off. Bitch!:x My brother was furious, and so was I. (The bitch is, there are already way too many assholes like him roaming around on the road of this city on their crappy motorcycles, sorry to say - acting like so-called bad-ass! Grrh!!:x) It was more infuriating when he finally apologized without even really meaning it: "Okay, sorry." He sneered. "I know you have the car, but you don't need to be such a smug about it. I'm from a village, so excuse me if I don't." Excuse me?!:x WTF?!! You were being such a prick and we have to understand you and let you get away with that?!!! WELL, FUCK YOU!!! FUCK OFF!!! JUST GO TO HELL, YOU FUCKING DAFT!!!:x Want to know what he did next? He gave us 'the finger', climbed back onto his motorcycle, and then sped off laughing. Mom had told both my brother and me to just let it go, but...no. Sorry, I can't lie. I'm still very, very furious now. Pissed off. Enraged.:x That prick had no sense of respect, because he was doing the last thing he did while there were women and a kid in our car. (Thank God Ganesh was asleep, but that was still uncalled for!) And he wanted us to feel sorry for him? Hell, no! If he's so bitter about his own condition, that's his own problem. He has no right to take it out on other people like that. Bitch...*scoffs* I hope he suffers some more. I hope I'll never have to see his ugly face again, because I still feel like 'rearranging' his face into something more...ghastly and hideous.*big evil grin* Yes, the way villains do to their victims in horror movies...*sneers* The Author/QB

"GHOSTS OF THE PAST"
Ghosts of the past knocking on my door. Such unwanted guests. Oh, what are they here for? I just want to sleep, yet they still love to creep deep inside my dreams, making me want to scream! Ghosts of the past, why do they have to last? I need to completely move on. It's hard, with them still around. What do I do? You might say: "Easy. Ignore them and stay cool. Soon, they'll leave you be." Ghosts of the past, I hope they'll fly away fast. I need to be free. I need them to stop bullying me. Silence? Yes, my only defense. If they ever come again, I shall give them this passive resistance. The Author/QB

FUTURE PLANS AND A STROLL AT THE MALL...
I've only got a week of holiday. That's alright. I can still make a good use of it. Everyone needs a break, right? Even if it means just staying home, cleaning up around the house, and doing your hobbies - that still counts. We're not going to Ancol, North Jakarta to spend our New Year's Eve. No problem. Since work starts again on January 2, I don't feel like going anyway. There are other - equally fun - things that I still can do. For example, I've planned to have a karaoke time with Gigi and friends. (We had to postpone this last Saturday, because she had a family thing.) It's been a long time since we last did that.:D I'm also missing them so much, so it'll feel like a reunion. Hmm, what else? Leese invited me to be a jury again for her boarding school's annual English competition on March 7 - 8. I've been invited and taken part as a jury before. If I do this again next year, it'll be my third (or was it already fourth??) time. If?? This time, it's different. I work at a different place now. Leese's school is in Parung, a small town that borders Bogor and South Tangerang. I'll have to ask for permission to skip work and go there on those two dates when I get back to work. But I guess they'll let me go.:) And I really want to, because I believe in maintaining professional connections. Besides, I don't just want to do one thing and rely my life solely on it. I want to do other things too for as long as I can. I also love the students at that boarding school.:) Smart boys who are also creative and well-motivated. Bright young minds always inspire me. That's settled then.;) I've made up my mind about that. I ended up spending a day with my brother today.:D We went to Gandaria City, had some lunch at Billie Chick's, and then went around for a while. I ended up buying the skirt of my dream...from M&S! It was on a really generous discount, which I didn't have to pay a lot for.:O And the skirt is still in a perfect condition.:D Lucky me. The Author/QB

"HERE, TODAY"
"HERE, TODAY" (a lover's silent vow) Are you here today? Forgive my strange question. I'm just glad you're not away. There are times when I hate being alone. I hope you'll appreciate my rare, brutal honesty. There are times when it's hard to be me. We can't expect the world to always understand. Sometimes, they even refuse to lend their hands. Are you still here today? Good, thank you. I know that lately, I haven't got much to say. There are times when I don't know what to do. I hope you'll forgive my flaws. I've been aware of your pain I've caused. That's something I'll never forget. That's one of my biggest regrets. Will you be here tomorrow? God, I do hope so. Because if you do, allow me to do whatever it takes to make up for what I've lacked and get us back on track. The Author/QB

AFTER THE FIRST MONTH AT WORK...
Right, where do I begin? It's funny how I often start an entry with that line after I haven't been writing in a while.:P But then again, I always just let it roll. So, how was my first month at that foreign language school in Kuningan? I survived.:P That's all I could say so far. I'd already decided to just learn the whole system first throughout this month. And I have.:) Thankfully, it wasn't as difficult as I had feared earlier - although it was still rather overwhelming, since I'm still new. Good.:) I think I know what I'm going to do next. I'm glad that I have survived working there, even without T around. (He's still in Australia, btw.) I have made friends and got to know some people there.:) I know that I'm pretty close with Vince and Paula so far, although I make sure that I get along with everybody else around as well (and yes, to avoid 'office-politics' as well.:P) If some people dislike the others, then it's their problem. That's none of my business, and I don't want to be part of any of that. I'm not taking sides and I won't even start now. I just want to do my job well. Call it playing safe, but I'd rather be sensible than sorry. Last Thursday was pretty funny. Matthew, one of the teachers resigning from the school, was clearing his desk. He ended up playing 'throw and catch' with Vince. The problem? I happened to be sitting right there in the middle, between the partition that separates the rows of cubicles and...Vince. (He sat behind me that day, while Matthew was behind the partition.:P) When things started flying above my head, I knew it was only a matter of time before... "Oy, sweet man! Catch this!" Ow. "Matt, you hit her in the head," Vince warned him, but he was grinning at me. He's such a boy sometimes!xD "Twice." Okay, he was exaggerating.*big evil grin* But I still heard Matthew apologize to me anyway: "Sorry!" "It's alright, Matt!" I called back from behind the partition. "You only hit me once." By now, Jane and Paula - who were sitting next to Vince and me - giggled quietly.xD Paula even warned me not to stand up or I'd get hit in the head again.*giggles* Friday was David's last day. He ordered pizza for everybody as part of his farewell party. (He seemed a bit upset when he learned that Vince had eaten four slices!:P) But I will never forget our last conversation that late afternoon in the computer lab: "Good luck, David." "Good luck to you too." He smiled warmly as we shook hands. He held mine a moment longer. "You know, this school has made the right decision when they recruited you. I can tell that you're confident enough. You've made a nice addition to this school." "Thank you." I could feel myself beaming at that.:D The Author/QB

"WARS OF THE WORDS"
Words travel fast in a speed of light. I'm chasing down each letter, yet they're always much quicker. Where do they go? What do people know? What do they hear? Is it even crystal-clear? Words still travel. They go even faster. I see lots of vowels. The consonants are rather blurred. What do they say? Is it even true anyway? I can't seem to read them well, yet every sentence breathes a fiery hell. Words will always travel faster and unstoppable. We can hear them everywhere. It's difficult not to care. Should I catch them all? A to Z, before more victims fall? Or should I just keep on walking, pretending I don't hear a thing? The Author/QB

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Alright, this is my last day-off before tomorrow. After this, I'll be very busy until Saturday. Gigi is inviting me to have a karaoke night after work on Saturday.:D YAY! I can't hardly wait. Singing is always a good way to vent. I need that. Who's the crew? The same formation. Gigi, her boyfriend Froggy, her best friend Uthie, and...me.:D There might be some additions in the process, but we'll see. The more the merrier! I also can't wait for New Year's Eve. Perhaps my family will be going to Ancol with Mom's extended relatives. It has been a while since we last had such a huge gathering! I sent a short story last night to Story Magazine again. It has been quite a while too. I have to start writing more again. (Well, not just here, though.:P) Hmm, what else? I've finally had a haircut yesterday. No, not too short - or I might look like a boy...again. The good thing is, nobody has to be the victim of my 'vicious' hair again!xD*giggles* There, I've had it 'tamed'. Finally, eh?*big evil grin* Well, it turns out that unnecessary drama happens everywhere.:| It's one of those moments when I thank God for being a tomboy.:P I just don't get it. What's up with some of these girls lately? The girls whom I happen to know. I thought we all had survived high school, so why the stupid popularity contest again? Why the insecurity and the nonsensical backstabbing? I mean, I know he's a hunk. I notice that too. But he's GAY.:P What's with the jealousy? So what if he's really close to this particular girl instead of the others? It's their right! Please don't tell me that - deep down - they sort of expect T to change. So silly...*shakes head* The Author/QB

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE...
I am glad that I have got two days off this week.:) At least I have got some rest. Plus, this is also the last week of work this month - and year too.:D YAY! After the 24th, it's the year-end holiday. Then we start again next month - and year - on January 2. I know I still have a lot to catch up with and I will. I have decided not to extend my period of adjustment. I think one month is enough. I can't be too slow about it. I must work fast. Still, I need to calm down. I must not easily panic next time. I have made friends with some of the teachers and staff there, but my instinct tells me not to play all my cards way too soon yet. If I do so, I am afraid I might not survive the next round. Almost everybody there has been aware that I am T's friend. 'Mari' asked me about how I had learned that the school needed more teachers. Before I responded, a senior teacher - hmm, let's just call her 'Goddess M' - interrupted slyly, "She got an inside tip from a friend." I blinked, unsure how to respond to that. Noticing my expression, she quickly added with a - hopefully - reassuring smile: "From a friend who thinks she's competent." "Ooh." 'Mari' nodded. I tried to smile, but it came out as a rather sheepish grin. I mean, I am not sure whether I have to take that as a compliment or...a challenge to prove them that I really am competent for the job. Even when I know that their previous boss Cam (who recruited me) is also T's friend, I tried not to use T's name as an 'easy access' for the job. I got there because I did my best and Cam believed that I could. Or maybe both, perhaps?? Aargh, I hate office-politics!:x *deep sigh* Oh, well.:| I must face that like an adult, anyway. (I mean, I am.:P) So far, I am still doing what T has strongly advised me to do. Do your job well. Get along with everybody. Play dumb to office-politics. Okay, it's getting more and more difficult to keep doing the last part. I have started hearing 'stuff'. Hushed whispers in the corner. And there have been people telling me 'things'. If one asks me: "Haven't you noticed?", I simply put my best, hopefully most convincing blank expression and slowly shake my head. Oh, dear. Good acting is required here!:O T's so sure that I will survive here. I have to make sure that he's not wrong about me! The Author/QB

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 3"
Isn't it good to be you, sir? Waking up at ten, when work starts at eight. You can do it all again, being fashionably late. Doesn't it feel great? Having your cigarette break in a crowded, non-smoking room. You believe it's what they have to take, as if you'll never face your doom. "It's their rule, and I've got mine." You think you're cool by crossing every line. Well, guess what...'sir'? You don't impress me that much. You act like you own the world, and you remain untouched. Why should you give a damn about a girl's wrath? Very well, then. I'll just leave you to your perfect illusion. You'll only feel safe in your own delusion. You may believe you're the king among the common, yet to me - you're just a narcissist with no compassion. Someday soon, your money will no longer protect you. Backstabbers will leave you scars. Fake friends will leave you blue. Then I will be there just to witness my question's answer. That is when I will know better. The Author/QB

THAT NEW GIRL AT WORK?ME!:P
Three weeks have gone by in a flash. Indonesian Mothers' Day (December 22) is coming soon. So are Christmas and New Year too. What? You're still worried about 2012?:P December 12, 2012 on Friday?? Do you actually still believe that it's going to happen at exactly that moment? The apocalypse? It's not about the date, okay? It's bound to happen anyway, one way or another.:P I mean, what can we all do here? We're just mortals. This world belongs to God. He can do whatever He likes with it (and that means with all of us too!) I don't know about you, but all that I can do now is pray that He won't send me to hell in the after life and do my best as human to avoid that from happening. (Fat chance, though. I'll never even be close to perfect.:|) That's all. A lot happened at work. I messed up a bit here and there. So far, they still forgave me since I'm still a newbie.:|*blushes* But I will make sure that I don't do it too much next time. *deep sigh* I know, I know. Take it easy, right? We all make mistakes. Besides, I am still learning the ropes. So far, it's still understandable. Right?? Hmm, what else? I guess that's all for now. I had to miss Jane's party last Saturday after work, because I felt so exhausted. Perhaps next time. The Author/QB

"DECEMBER EIGHTH"
You challenged me to dance right there on top of the table. "But I don't want to break it," I objected and all of you giggled. "You know how much I weigh." Then we had that night with stirs of conversations, foods and beverages, taking pictures, puffing smokes as we kept laughing at each other's jokes. How did I feel that night? Oh, I'm sure you could guess me right. It was obvious to see how you had filled me with glee. I hope I can have that moment again, and it's all the matter of 'when'. Still, I thank God for the fun. It was an evening I shared with the sun. The Author/QB

"STUCK"
Stuck in a moment we're set to 'pause'. It's such a torment we're losing cause. Left in the cold with nothing to hold. The path is dark. We're out of spark. Where do we go from here? There's no more challenge, I fear. Are you still in love with me? Should I just set you free? Lost in confusion, I don't know where to go. Where's your devotion? Is it just for 'show'? Can we still have it? Should we let it go? I'm not a kid, so please let me know: Where do we go from here? This love ain't crystal-clear. If you're not so into me. Let's set each other free... The Author/QB

A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT?
I am tired.*yawns* I can't believe that I am saying this, but I am. I've been working there for five days and now I feel drained. Energetically drained.:( What's wrong with me? How's that possible? Maybe it's the location issue. The traffic too. I know it's far away from home and I still haven't found a new, much closer place to work to live yet. I'm still searching, calculating, and surveying. It's always important to make careful plans and decisions. Am I still in a transition? Is this only a period of adjusment? Or, should I just take it easy and not to worry so much about everything like I normally do? *deep sigh* Alright, alright.:| I'm calming down now. T's still having a holiday in Australia with his family and friends now. I saw a picture of him with his lovely nephew and couldn't help smiling at that.:) They look so gorgeous and happy together. I miss my old friends back at the old workplace. I even dreamed some of them once, where we hung out and had some good laughs. (Just like the good, old days.) *sighs* Alright, I admit it.:( I am feeling kind of...lonely. Back then, I could simply be myself completely and just relax. Here, I have to start all over. I have to watch my steps as well as my mouth. I hope things are going well for me, because I also like this job and this place. Like I've already said: a period of adjustment. The Author/QB

"REALISTICALLY SPEAKING"
There are no superheroes out there, only living, surviving mortals as they fight against dread while hanging on a thread. Why do you keep reading those tales to me? I think I'm way too old to believe that someone will come to my rescue. Those empty, silly dreams leave me nothing but these blues. All heroes are dead today, crashed and burned by harsh reality. We must find our own ways to set our jaded minds free. Fictional characters can be always pretty and powerful, yet they only remain on-screen. In this world, they only make you feel like a fool into thinking it could be more than just a dream. No one's going to save us now. We're on our own. It's "every one for themselves", so we've got to be strong! The Author/QB

"THE QUIET GIRL"
What do you see in this quiet little girl? A someone to be, or just a speck on earth? Don't be fooled. She may often appear as still as a statue. Have no worries nor any fears, for she still pays attention to you. What do you know about this awkward teenager? It's true, she's not quite a show, but does that mean she's no better? Don't rely on first impressions so much, or you might not get a lot. She may never be the diva on the centre stage, but perhaps she's more of a friend through this difficult age. How do you feel about this silent, yet observant lady? She may not be that expressive or outspoken, yet her love for you is real, 'though she keeps it within. The Author/QB

THE NEW ADVENTURE AND THE FAREWELL PARTY
I am still learning the new ropes for my new teaching job. A different school, a different system. That's always to be expected. That's okay.:) Although I tend to panic just a bit, I am still enjoying the whole process. T's right. It's the whole new adventure for me. And I am still collecting more story materials.:) I'm still a storyteller, remember? Anyway, last Tuesday, I went to Panglima Polim again at around 8:30 am. What for? I have already resigned from there as well. I went there to see T. I figured, just in case I don't get to see him before his flight home to Australia on Friday night. He's my hero after all.:D He's helped me to get that new job. Since I have already resigned, I am practically a guest now. An outsider, although I am no stranger to them. That's why I stood in front of the yellow back door that morning, as I dialed T's mobile number. "Hello?" "There's a buffy-haired girl outside the door." I couldn't suppress a grin, knowing how he often teases me about my hair. "Can she come in, please?" I heard footsteps from inside, then a lock being turned. After that, the yellow door opened. He was standing in front of me with the phone on his ear and a surprised grin on his handsome face.:D "Hi!" we greeted each other. I went into his arms and he hugged me. (How come no straight guys ever make me feel that safe?:|) Then he let me in and closed the door behind me. "What are you doing here?" T asked me, still in awe. "You've already resigned. No schedules there again yet this week?" "Nope. I know," I answered lightly. I sat watching him going back to online browsing. "I am here to see you, just in case I don't get to before you leave." He smiled warmly. "Aww, that's sweet." "Thanks, although I know I'm not made of sugar," I said in a straight face. When he chuckled, I added with a big, evil grin: "My twisted sense of humour." "That's alright." Then we talked about something else, the way we used to when I was still working there. It was our last morning conversation, come to think of it. After T had finished preparing for his morning class, we had breakfast at 7-11. (Well, actually he did - because I had already had mine at home. However, I still ordered a chocolate waffle and cappuccino.) He had three sweet breads and hot chocolate. T was preparing me for a lot of things I'm bound to deal with at the new workplace. (Like a big brother.:D) I know how the real world works already, so I'm glad that he has given me tips and tricks on how to survive there. It's always good to get a heads-up, eh?:D Get along with everybody. Ask questions around whenever you need help with the job. (My number one rule for newbies.) Avoid office politics. Play DUMB about it. "Should I be worried?" I can't lie to him. I am.:| "Nah, you'll be fine." He smiled. "Just take this as the calm before the storm. You're bound to see it anyway, so it's best to be prepared." "Okay, thanks." Let's just hope so.*huffs*:O "No problem." "But I think I won't have time to deal with that," I told him. "I'll probably be too busy learning-" "-the ropes," he finished it for me and nodded. He smiled again. "Good for you then." I smiled back, hoping to chase away the worries in his face.:) Then he got up as he passed me his last bread. I accepted it joyfully. "Thanks." "Are you going to still be around here today?" T asked me before heading to his class. It was ten minutes to ten. "Yes," I answered, nodding. "I need to finish some writing, then grab some lunch before going to Kuningan to prep for my Wednesday classes." "I think it's better that you show up there tomorrow morning for that, but it's up to you," he suggested. "The girls and I might go out for lunch today, if you'd like to join us too." "I'd love to." I shrugged."This stray cat is available today." He just grinned before he left. I did stick around until lunch. I ended up joining T, Dewi, and Hevi at The Bat Cave - which surprised the others. (Of course, I'd already bid farewell to them - which felt weird.*blushes*) Still, that was a good thing, because T and the girls ended up inviting me over on Thursday night for his farewell party.:D In the end, I didn't go to Kuningan at all. (Too tired and too lazy, especially since it was already late afternoon and I didn't dare imagine the traffic.:P) But I did accompany T to the photocopy service nearby, since the one at the office was out-of-order and he needed an interpreter to help him to avoid getting 'lost in translation'. 'Ronnie' from Kuningan called me at eight that night to ask me to cover for another absent teacher, so I ended up teaching for three classes last Wednesday. On Thursday morning, I attended my dentist cousin Shari's pre-wed ceremony. No class schedules that day for me, so I got to relax a bit after that and before the farewell party. And I had finally met M. T's boyfriend. Or 'partner', as he'd like to put it. But let's not go there yet. As promised, I showed up at Panglima Polim at seven in the evening. I met Ghita at the front desk and we chatted for a while. When it was time to leave, I got into Dewi's car. (She was driving, of course.) Hevi was driving hers with T by her side. Ghita was riding her motorcycle. We went to Shisha Cafe in Kemang. At the parking lot, it was the very first time I met him...in the flesh. He showed up with his own car. M.The boyfriend. Quite tall; well, athletically-built; with dark, short and rather spiky hair; smooth, clear, and golden complexion; specs, and a very nice smile. He was also smartly dressed in a dark blue shirt and black trousers. Whoa.:O He is absolutely gorgeous. No wonder T's so hooked on him.:P What an irony that night. Two hunks, four beauties (hehe!:P) None of those hunks are interested in us, because they happen to share a mutual interest...on each other.*big evil grin* How funny life is. And M doesn't look 40. At all. (Probably because he works out at the gym regularly, from what I've heard and noticed then.*giggles*xD) We had a blast that night. Pictures were taken. Foods and drinks were ordered. (Since T is more experienced with this culinary adventure, he helped us with recommendations and a bit of a demo.:P) We ended up ordering bread, hummus, salad, falafel, and...shisha in the end.:D We also talked, joked around, and cracked up laughing. It was the night of pure fun and friendship.:D I will never forget it. And I am surely going to miss T so much, but he said he'll be back soon.:'-) "Safe flight. Enjoy your holiday. Have all the fun you need.:)" "I will. Thanks.:)" "Love you to bits, man. Don't forget that.;P" "Hehe, I won't. Love you too." The Author/QB

ALL AT ONCE...
How in the world could a person's brain take a lot of information all at once these days? Is there enough time and space to really process and store everything in? Sorry, I was talking about me.:P Life has been pretty hectic lately. Right, where should I start? Last Thursday, something funny happened to me. I was eating my breakfast (rice and fried chicken katsu) while T was busy preparing for his morning class as usual. We were chatting lightly and I was biting down on a piece of chicken when suddenly something cracked in my mouth. Oww.:( Apparently, he heard that too - because he whirled around with a stunned expression on his face.:O "Did you just bite the plastic fork?" "I think so." I gulped down the chicken piece and stared at the plastic fork in my hand. There was a small bitemark around one of the sharp edges. "Oh." We both cracked up laughing.xD *blushes* Last Friday, I went to Kuningan in the morning to start an early learning about my new job there. Minnie, a senior teacher (who is also one of T's closest and most trusted friends there since he worked there too long ago), has been very helpful that day.:) I just hope that I can remember everything well. (If I forget, T advises me to always ask around for help. Well, most of the other teachers there have said the same thing too.) Last Saturday was my very first day of working there.:P How was it? Hectic. At least I got to start learning the ropes and observing the whole situation. It's always good to get a heads-up, eh? Last Sunday, I visited the book fair alone. Lucky for me, since it was also the last day of it. I bought three books in the end: Andrei Aksana's poetry collection, Dee's anthology of short stories in "Madre", and another anthology of true satirical tales about the 'complexities' of Jakarta. Too bad I missed the manuscripts' fair.:'-( They opened a stand for aspiring new writers who wanted to submit their novels/books - in the same hope to get published. I got there at sometime around two in the afternoon, and they had already been closed! Fortunately, the remaining staff there were kind enough to hand me a copy of how-to-get-published. Next time, I shouldn't be late for that.:P Monday was the last day for my old job.:| I felt kind of sad, but I know that's just part of life. I've got to be brave about this or I might never learn to face the challenges. It's time that I stepped out of the comfort zone. Michael asked me to send him more of my stories.:) I must remember that. Of course, I'll pop in when I have the time. I am still in the same city, after all. I'd like to stay in touch with good people. "It feels so surreal, you know," Panda admitted to me last night, as I was clearing my desk. "I'm so used to seeing you around here everyday, and - starting tomorrow - I won't get to do that anymore." "I know, sweetie," I said sadly. (I'm going to miss you too, btw.:'-( A whole lot!) "But hey, you always know where to reach me. I'm still in the same city anyway." "I know." He sighed. "Still, it's always hard to say goodbye." "Then don't," I urged him. "Just say 'See you when I see you'." "Okay." He finally smiled at me. "See you when I see you." "See you when I see you." I know I'm a bit sentimental sometimes, but I left the note on my now-old desk once he was out the door. It said: "Love you all. Thanks for everything. See you when I see you." cheers, Your 'Kitty' :'-)... The Author/QB

"HE IS"(TO THE GIRL WITH AN IMPOSSIBLE WISHFUL THINKING)
He is the subject of your conversation. He is the object of your affection. Oh, isn't he lovely? Wouldn't it be so blissful, if he could always be the reason you felt beautiful? Before you know it, you've been caught up in your own wishful thinking. Gradually, it eats you up bit by bit. Don't you know that you've been daydreaming? He is such a dream. Then again, not every dream can come true. Not every dream has to. So, what are you going to do? Of course, you refuse to get stuck in the past. It is no use. At least now you're awake, for your next step to take. For the time being, it's just you and your shadow. Moving forward, that's where you'll go. I wish you would never be heartbroken. But if that happens, I am sure your scars will mend, until the day you find happiness again. The Author/QB

ALL ABOUT MOM
Losing a mother is the most horrible possibility in the world. I bet no child will ever want to experience that. I cannot even imagine that without shuddering in fear. That is why I cannot read "Please Look After Mom" by Korean author Kyung Sook Shin without wanting to cry. If anyone asks about Mom, I do not know where to start. There are many stories. Perhaps I could start from that religion class I had back in grade school. I remember that we were given prayer cards by a teacher. She said we were free to write down any prayers and wishes for our mothers. What I had hoped back then? It was simple. I just wanted Mom to be always happy and healthy. (It was a typical, childlike hope which had not been ruined by harsh reality.) I had also prayed that God would have still allowed me to see her when I grew up. Alhamdulillah, all my hopes and prayers came true. (She even smiled when she read the card.) A lot of friends had reminded me just how lucky I was - and that I had to be grateful. "You're lucky," they had told me. "You still get to see your mother when you're past eighteen. She could even attend your college graduation." There are many stories about Mom. She is the living proof of how strong a woman can be. (I have always wanted to confront anyone who dares say that women are weak - especially if that comes from men. However, she will reprimand: "Why bother wasting your energy for those who refuse to understand things?") Mom is never afraid to face the most ferocious people. I wonder if I will ever be as patient as she is. Patient? Wait a minute. There are times when she is tired. Like other people, Mom could get angry too. When that happens, all that remains is guilt and fear of sin as a rebellious child. Again, thank God, Mom is not the vengeful kind. Mom is not the type to overly praise her children. About how often she criticizes us, she only reasons: "The real world out there is a lot harder and harsher that my criticisms." It is true. That is how I know one of her greatest fears: to see all her children (easily) 'squashed' by trials of life. Do not ever picture Mom as the overly protective mother of her two daughters. Since our teenage years, my older sister and I have never had any 'curfews'. We are allowed to be friends with anybody and hang out late at night, under these terms and conditions: we must tell her where we go and what we will do there, we go out with our trusted and reliable friends, and there is at least one cellphone number that she can call to talk to us. If there are other mothers who criticize the way she raises us, her solid argument has always kept their mouths shut: "We can't always take care of our kids. Soon they must learn how to do that by themselves." A tough, realistic love, is it not? I have always loved that logical argument of hers. Maybe that is also why she is not the kind of mother who will tell you: "I love you and I will never leave you", even when the man you love the most has just broken your heart. She will probably just say: "Perhaps he's just not for you." Despite all that, she never stops reminding me to take care of myself and mind my surroundings. Her reason is always the same: "I trust you. I just don't trust the world around you that much." Especially with my hobby of challenging myself with danger, mostly to express my rage against all the guys who still think girls are weak. Lately, I do not wish to disturb Mom with all my problems. She is (too) tired, although sometimes she refuses to admit it. She even insists that it is okay for her (now grown-up) children to share their stories with her. Her door will always be open for us... Actually, there are many more stories about Mom. There are too many to write in here. One thing is certain, this is how she loves all her children. Full of genuine support, but without (too much) pampering. That is how she always has. And I am glad that she never stops...

"WHEN LOVE FEELS LIKE A BOTTLENECK..."
"Oftentimes, love feels like a bottleneck," she blurted out once to her friends. "There is only one way to find out whether you're going to be happy or heartbroken in the end." "Do you want to do that?" asked one of them. "Hmm," quietly she pondered. "Have I even got a choice? Does curiosity always kill the cat?" Wait, why is she still wondering? Has she forgotten the last result, which has left her feeling cold? "Maybe you should try a few other bottles," another suggested. Maybe, she silently agrees. But, isn't the content that matters? How does she know that it's not poisonous? "But it's always good to read the label first before taking a sip," another gave a valuable tip. But, what if the bottle weren't labeled? What if she still had no idea whether the content would do her more harm than good? Now she sits and stares at another empty bottle right there on her lonely table. Should she order another round to find the cure for her avid skepticism? The Author/QB

COUNTING DOWN, IT'S GETTING CLOSE...
More and more people at work know that I am leaving... I don't like talking about it.:| It's making me feel sad again. I mean, I love most of the people there and I'm going to miss them so much. That's for sure. But that has already been decided. I have made up my mind, and there's no turning back. It's time to move on... Both Mz.D and T have told me not to bother with those issues so much. They're right. This is not about them or other people. This is about me. This is just life, after all. This is also part of growing up. Sometimes, growing up also means daring to leave the comfort zone behind - and embark on a journey to the new unknown ahead. That's how you learn. I think I'd rather write about happier times these days.:) I'm glad that I get to do that more often. It's normal that we all want to remember good things... I've finally got to hang out with T and the girls of Panglima Polim - Hevi and Dewi - after my morning class last Thursday. I was putting things into my black bag when the trio asked me if I would like to join them for lunch at Blok M Plaza. "Sure." There we went, by Dewi's car. (But Hevi was the one driving.) We talked, joked, and giggled a lot on the way - almost like teenagers hanging out.:D We ended up eating at Domino's Pizza. We ordered two pans of pizza, a bottle of soda for all of us, and two chocolate lavas as dessert. Hmm!:D*drools* "Which do you guys like better - cheese or chocolate?" Hevi suddenly threw a question. She then answered her own first, "I prefer cheese." "I like chocolate," Dewi piped in. When the girls looked at T and me, we both grinned. "It's hard to choose," I admitted, "because I happen to like both." "Me too," T added. I guess that explained why we could finish our (share of) chocolate lava in a matter of...seconds. Hevi was genuinely amazed.*giggles*:P "Whoa, that was fast!" she exclaimed. He and I grinned. "I've told you, we're chocolate lovers," he said while I was giggling.:D The trio returned to Panglima Polim while I was leaving for Ciputat. Finally I'd gotten to hang out with them and it was fun.:) Last Saturday, I had a family gathering at PIM 2. Last Sunday, my brother and I accompanied Mom to a wedding at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Kuningan, South Jakarta. The Author/QB

SICKNESS, TIME THAT FLIES, AND OTHER STUFF
A half of last week was filled with my sickness.:( It started on Tuesday night last week when I ordered fish and chips at the restaurant next to where I work. It was delicious, but something happened after that at midnight. My body was suddenly burning. My stomach was churning. I couldn't sleep.:'-( I threw up in the bathroom that very night. Then I came back to bed shivering. I fell into a restless sleep... On Wednesday morning last week, I couldn't get up. My head was spinning.:( I called in sick that day. On Thursday morning last week, I had felt a bit better - so I went to Panglima Polim. My student had already cancelled the class that day, but I had to wait and see Michael for a discussion. Which was a big mistake.:( I did see Michael finally that afternoon, though, but it turned out that I still wasn't well. I couldn't finish my breakfast, because I suddenly felt sick again.:( My tongue was still dead white. (Usually, that is a sign of serious dehydration.) I was also craving for something sweet (to get rid of the acid sensation in my mouth), so I ended up buying a small package of sweets. And I couldn't stop eating them until T practically snatched the pack away from me. "Okay, you need to stop with that," he suggested, but he was also grinning. "Too much sugar is bad for you." "But I hate the acid taste in my mouth." Then I told T what had happened. (Well, not exactly everything - yuck!xP) I knew I sounded a bit like a spoiled ten-year-old girl, but I just couldn't help it. He often acts like a big brother to me, hehe.:P "Then you'd better drink tea." He handed me a sachet of lemon tea. Aww!:D "Okay." I hugged him lightly. "Thanks. You're a darling." Too bad you aren't straight.:P*big evil grin* He just grinned. While waiting for Michael, I tried my best not to throw up a lot again. I still felt sick.:( It seemed to be getting worse as the day wore on. I found myself staggering most of the time, NOT walking. I felt like a weakling old lady. In the end, I couldn't go to Ciputat. Too sick, too weak. My friend Mz.D - who had just started her morning class there - came downstairs into 'The Bat Cave' (that's how I call the teachers' room there, fyi.:P) When she saw me, she looked worried. "Are you okay?" "No." By that time, I had already texted my principal Marty, Panda, and Jules that I wasn't coming to Ciputat that afternoon. I didn't dare risk it. "It turns out that I am still sick." "Ouch." Then she turned to the others. I heard her talking to T. I was sitting at Linda's desk, holding my dizzying head in my hands. "I'm not used to seeing you this down," Michael observed me. Robert nodded in agreement. "Sorry," I told them both weakly. "You can blame it on my illness." "Oh, I will." He smiled. I smiled back weakly, realizing that he was only trying to cheer me up. What a nice old chap!:D Dewi had urged me to order lunch before I left, so I agreed. I didn't order much from GM. I was still too afraid to eat a lot. Mz.D left for Ciputat. After lunch, I went to the office sink in the room to wash the dishes. I had to stop, though, because my head was spinning again. Everything in the room suddenly seemed too bright for my photosensitive eyes. And the water tab in front of me looked as if it was...getting bigger. Okay, that was not a good sign. I felt a gentle hand on my back. "Are you okay?" Oh, it was T's voice. Wait, was he whispering? Why? "Do you need to sit down?" "In a moment." I realized that I was whispering too. Was I going to faint? "My head is still spinning." "Your stomach still feels sick?" "Something like that." Which I was trying to forget. "I still have some tea if you'd like." "No, thanks. I just 'wasted' the last one you gave me this morning." Realizing what I'd just said, I quickly added: "Sorry I just gave you the bad news." He chuckled and I relaxed a little. "It's okay, it's okay," he said. "My God, you're still shaking." "I know." And I hated it. "You can't go to work like this." "I know." See? This is why T feels like a big brother sometimes. "I'm calling a cab home after this." That's what I did. I went home early after that. I was still sick on Friday. Menti stopped by and thought my tongue still looked dead white. Mom and my brother went to Bandung for the weekend. I finally visited the doctor on Saturday morning. (Ha! Some weekend, eh?*sneers*:P) He didn't give me much, though, saying that I had gotten rid of most of the poison by throwing up constantly before. Now I'm ready to rock again.:D More stories to come. The Author/QB

THE LAST WEEKEND
Alright, as promised - I am giving you the recap of our previous company outing.:) November 12: We left Ciputat at around 6:30 am by bus. I sat with Gigi the whole journey and we talked and giggled a lot. (Especially when she was telling me stories about one corny co-worker at her morning school.:P) We arrived at Coolibah (a cluster of villas at Puncak, Bogor) before lunch-time. Not bad.:) The villa we chose has two swimming pools, a wide green area (full of trees, flowers, and fruit plants.:D) I miss the cool breeze and the fresh air. We played games a lot in the afternoon. Panda was so creative in creating such interesting games. We also played volleyball and football. I didn't join them in the pool after that because I just...wasn't well.:| Still, we had fun.:) At night, it was raining most of the time. I fell a bit ill, but I had managed to steal some short nap time.:( Most of us were playing cards or UNO stacko that night. We were also watching "Robin Hood:Men In Tights". (What a funny parody!:P) Dinner was awesome too. BBQ and salad. Fish and shrimp. Thankfully, my allergic reaction to seafood didn't kick in. However, after "Robin Hood:Men In Tights" - I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I didn't get to finish "The Thing" with everybody else (eventhough it is one of my favourite horror/sci-fi/thriller flicks.) I dragged myself first to the bedroom and fell asleep instantly. November 13: Amazingly, I woke up early. (Wait, was it four or five-ish?) I had a long hike with Panda, Indah, Sony (whom we ended up nicknaming 'Ducky' :P), Mas Ipin, Mr.Sarmento, and Mr.Tamrin outside the villa. The air was pretty chilly that I kept my grey hooded sweater on. What a beautiful morning on the hillside.:D The sky was clear blue. The air was not polluted. At all. I am going to miss those moments.:) I hope I will be lucky enough to have that kind of experience again. When we returned, breakfast was ready. Spaghetti and sausages! (Thanks to Jules!:D) Fried rice! (Thanks to Shanti!:D) Guess what?:P I had finally got thrown into the pool that morning. I was sitting by the pool when my principal Marty asked me right from the pool: "Can you swim?" "Yeah." Then I caught my friends' giggles and sideway glances at each other. Uh-oh. Not a good sign.:P I ran back to the villa before they managed to get me. But then I got bored upstairs and went back outside. (How silly.*giggles*:P) I thought they would have gone over the idea. I was dead wrong.:O This time, they were very quick. Before I could run away, Marty and Selvi dragged me by the arms. I was busy screaming and kicking, so Marty called for help. (Grrh!:P) Then Panda - one of the big guys at work - and Qimi The Squirrel (what a pet name!*big evil grin*:P) grabbed my ankles. I am literally heavy, so...no wonder it took about four people to throw me into the pool.:P SPLAT! Oooh, it was sooo cold.*shudders* The water was very cold.:O I came out on the surface, spitting. My green slippers were floating. They cracked up laughing at me. Oh, well...:P So be it, then. At sometime around ten, I headed for the shower and changed into dry clothes. (Thank God I still had spares in my travel bag - even for the last day!) We left the place at sometime after lunch. We took some pictures of us before getting on the bus. It was a long trip home. The traffic was almost unbearable. At least I brought a magazine and could sleep for a while. On and off, it was. We made a stop at Cimory and I bought five bottles of fresh, homemade yoghurt.:) Hmm, yummy! We finally arrived back at Ciputat at sometime around seven that night. I went home at after eight. I was very tired and fell asleep instantly, remembering my ten o'clock class on Monday morning.:| This week has sped by, so sorry I haven't written an update yet. Soon to come, I hope. I have been sick for the last three days. The Author/QB

"SAY IT TO MY FACE"
Hey, love. It has been a while since I saw your genuine smile. I don't know if you feel what I have been wondering lately. Is there still a 'we', or now a distant 'you and me'? Where are we standing now? I am feeling lost somehow, bumping against your invisible walls. If it is no longer here, let's just be crystal-clear. Say it to my face. Is it already over? Can't we make it any better? Just say it to my face. For too long we have been staring at each other in cold distaste. Is this time to be on our separate ways? Please... Just say it to my face. If this is our final goodbye, then I will stop wondering why. Each of us can reach the exit door, so none of us will have to take the pain anymore... The Author/QB

IN TRANSITION: ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR
I am in a transition now. I have already got one foot out the door. I am in the process of leaving my old job to the next. I have been accepted at another foreign language school in Kuningan since my last birthday (November 4). If everything goes smoothly, I will be starting my new teaching job on December 6. Let's just hope so.:) That also means I have to start finding a new place to live for the working days, then coming home on weekends. (At last, a reason to really move out!) The school is really, really far from where I live now that it feels like commuting there and back on a daily basis. (My parents live in the south and the school is in the central part of the city.) I don't want to be like one of those 'urban zombies' who have to get up super early, come home late, and sleep all through weekends! I know the job pays better this time, so that is why I am taking it. (I am no hypocrite.:P We always need more money, but I also need more new experiences.) I am just not keen on letting the daily traffic take over what is left of my 'free-time'. Still, there is no turning back. I have made up my mind. As much as I love all my friends at work now and am going to miss them so much when I leave, I must be brave about this. This is for me. I have got to take care of myself too. It is not always selfish. I am also important. For now, I am going through this transition first. It feels like having one foot already out the door, or a long pause before the end of the film. You know that once you make up your mind, you have got to stick to it. If you are still stuck around here, that only means you need to finish things fast. Otherwise, it just hurts. You know, like knowing that you may not be able to see these people as much as everyday anymore. The thought of saying goodbye to them just...saddens you.:( That is why it hurts. Alright, alright. Enough with this stupid sentimentality. I am going to be alright. I will be. I have to be. Still, I have been rather quiet around them lately. Another month to go, and then that's it. Bye-bye.:| For now, I am still here. There was a company outing last November 12-13, but the story will come later. This time, I am also proving Mom that I really can live on my own. It is about time, anyway. She has to let me go, or I will get tired on the road when I start my new job. First things first. I will get there eventually, but I must prioritize. Speaking of transition, I am genuinely worried about my dear friend Lovely Tony - or perhaps I should just call him "T" from now on. The last time we talked, he told me that he thought his relationship could not be saved anymore. Everything has gone stale...and his loved one grown cold. And I am afraid there will be a heart left broken soon.:( Poor T... The Author/QB

"I AM?"
I am who I am, one in a zillion a face of many. Whom can you see? Who is she? Is it really me? I can be of many things whatever you may think. I let you speculate. Well, what do you get? Is it accurate? Is there a decision made? I am the child inside whom they think refuse to grow up. I am the teenager, hoping to stay young forever. I am the adult, struggling to keep up with everything in the world. I am the sister. Little or big, take your pick. I still try to be a listener. I am the friend who hate to pretend. I am the stranger, silently watching from the corner, trying to understand everyone better. I am the girlie-girl: a plain Jane or a dazzling beauty? It is all up to me. Playing with your perceptions is quite a fun hobby. I am the tomboy, hiding my past, mental scars underneath this so-called tough exterior. I am Ms.Independent, clinging to the mercy of God; with all the strength and vulnerability I have got. I am the wallflower, among the couples in a romantic, slow-dance. Oh, whatever. Why should I feel dying for a chance? I am who I am, one in a zillion a face of many. Which do you (choose) to see? The Author/QB

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF A QUIRKY BACHELORETTE:
Welcome to the world of a quirky bachelorette. I will be your host for the next pages/entries ahead, until I decide to have a break from writing - or maybe until I just get too busy with reality.:P Anyway, you are about to be challenged by my feelings, my thoughts, my perceptions, and my opinions. As usual, we all know that nobody is perfect. We are only human here. This is just a place where you get to see the world around me through my eyes. I cannot promise you that I am and will always be right. (Come on, we all know how impossible that is.) However, if you have the time to follow me on this journey, then I really appreciate it. Well, even when I am clearly not that famous. I am just an ordinary me. Who? Me.:P The 30-year-old, quirky bachelorette who will give this answer when anyone asks about her age: Them: "How old are you?" Me: "I am fifteen...for the second time." xD LOL! Get it?*big evil grin* No problem if you don't.:P I just love that joke anyway. I don't even care if you think I am in some kind of denial. In other words: I just want to have fun.:P Until then, read the rest at your own risk! yours truly, The Author/The QB (Quirky Bachelorette)

"THE LAST ENTRY...FOR NOW"
Hmm, let's start this entry with two Saturdays ago: As promised, I became a jury for an English competition at Gigi's morning school in South Tangerang. Since it is pretty far from home, I could barely sleep the night before. (I could imagine how it was for Gigi, since she was also the co-ordinator for the spelling bee and the storytelling competition! Well, even when she lives much closer to the school.) I woke up at two a.m and could not go back to sleep. I had my early breakfast (with a cup of coffee, for sure!) at four. Then I prepared everything until dawn, which was time to go. I had ordered an ojek biker two days earlier, and he showed up outside the fence at 5:30 am. After that, we left. Earlier, I had told him the route - but he insisted that he know a shorter cut. I let him take me there, which was a big mistake. He ended up getting both of us...lost.:( Grrh!:x Thankfully, Gigi came to my rescue.:D I called her to explain what had happened and she asked me to wait for her at the mall near her house. Then I asked the ojek biker to retrace a bit, find another (more sensible) short cut, until...I finally reached the mall she was referring to. Thankfully, we finally made it to the school at sometime before eight. (At 7:30, perhaps? I couldn't recall.) That was when I started feeling sleepy, due to lack of sleep and despite my (early) morning coffee! However, that didn't last long. When I learned who'd be my partner for the job that morning, I felt my eyes widen in awe.:O God Almighty! I had silently praised.:D This is much better than coffee. LOL!xD There he came...the cutest guy I had ever seen. Connor Graham.:* However, I had to concentrate on our real work that day and just...be professional.:P*sighs* (Of course, even under NORMAL circumstances, I wouldn't start batting my - short, almost non-existent - eyelashes at him and acting like a flirtatious priss. Yuck!:|) I also didn't know my cousin would have been one of the contestants that day until she came in and her mother greeted me in front of everyone else shortly.*huffs* Tough. I knew they sort of expected me to let her win, but...a job is still a job. Like what I have mentioned earlier, be professional.*big evil grin* She didn't win, though. Connor and I (ahem!:P) had to choose the best ten out of thirty. Well, that was easy. After that, each had to come forward and spell the words both Connor and I mentioned in turns. All the while, I couldn't resist making a small talk with him. (Hehe, we all know that's not against any law.:P) He seemed like an interesting fellow too. And I was right.:) "So, Connor," I started lightly. "Is that an Irish name?" (I have known that already, so it was indeed a small talk.:P) "Yes," he responded with a friendly smile. God, he even had those smiling Irish eyes!*gasps* "And my last name is Graham, which is Scottish. So I'm half-Irish and half-Scottish, but I live in Canada." "Oh, I see." More about him?:P I thought so. Connor has been in Indonesia - on and off too, like my American friend Patrick. He used to be an English teacher too, but he is now a pilot-in-training. (Oh, cool!:D) We had giggled at the contestants' written results from the first round of the spelling bee. "I don't remember calling out these words," he exclaimed with glee. Despite the fact that he was drenched in his own sweat (yes, the room was already so hot for me - so poor Connor!), he seemed calm. Connor even encouraged one of the ten spelling bee finalists when the tired little girl suddenly burst in tears. (How sweet.:D) It took a while before she finally came forward. "I don't think we're too intimidating," he whispered to me when the hall was empty in between sessions. I shrugged. "I don't know about me, though." "Maybe it's because I'm a foreigner." After that, Gigi offered us something to drink. Connor obviously wanted cold water, but I also drank the coffee. (My second cup of the day.) He spoke Indonesian well. He thanked me when I handed him his drink. "Terima kasih." (Thank you.) "Sama-sama," I replied. (It means: "You're welcome.") Then we sat again for the storytelling competition. Most of the stories were about war heroes. Some kids performed in a flat tone, as if reading out or memorizing from a biography. Others really did some acting and brought realias to support their stories. One boy was very creative among the rest. I admired his originality, because he told a story about his conversation with his father about what it means to be a hero. Even Connor was mighty impressed with him. Unfortunately, he only got the runner-up spot. There was a girl who was more expressive than he was - with a much clearer voice too. Did I ask for Connor's number in the end? No. Sorry, I'm not that kind of girl - no matter how hot the guy is.:P I'm painfully shy when it comes to something like that.*blushes* I only do that when it's for something really, really important. After we had done our part for the day, Gigi took a picture of Connor and me.*blushes*:D Then, when Gigi asked me to do the same for Connor and her, I teased her: "I'm going to tell your boyfriend." "I want to make him feel jealous," she challenged back and the three of us cracked up laughing in the empty hall. Then the conversation carried on in the school teachers' room. While the other teachers were busy chatting, he and I sat next to each other again and talked. Somehow, I had the nerve to ask him The Question: "So, who's the lucky girl?" "Nah." He smiled shyly and shook his head. "There's no one right now." "Really?" I was genuinely amazed. (YAY!:D) "Come on. Look at you." Connor blushed as he laughed a little. "I'm serious," he said. "With my job travelling around, it's hard to find a girl who's understanding enough and can take the pressure. My dad is also a pilot, so I know how it is for Mom everytime he has to leave for the job." "Ah." I nodded. Then I added with a smile, "But some girls might find that romantic." He chuckled again and gave me his cute, boyish grin. "Believe me, my ex didn't think so." Then Connor told me about his last girlfriend, who had followed him all the way down to Jakarta. Then they went to Bali together (where Connor is currently staying.) After a year of no job, she couldn't take it anymore and they made a mutual decision to call it quits. She flew to Australia after that.:| Without him, of course. "Awww." "It's alright." Connor gave me that sweet, shy smile again, although - this time - he couldn't hide his real emotions anymore. His blue eyes betrayed him. They showed loneliness.:( "The next girl should be independent," I told him, grinning. Inside, I wanted to scream: 'Pick me, pick me! I can be your Ms.Independent any day you please.' :P LOL!!xD "Oh, she has to be very independent." Then somehow, I didn't know where I had gotten such boldness - I came up with this confession: "Most guys I have known here think I'm being too independent, as if I don't need them at all." It's not true, and I'm tired of their insecurity and demands that I change just to please them.*rolls eyes* "I know people have good intentions, but when they keep asking me about when I'll be getting married, I'm like: 'What? That's not the only happiness you can get here!'" "It's true." He nodded empathically. However, when he finally left, I hung out with Gigi and the other female teachers - and learned the shocking revelations about Connor...and their co-worker Mike.:| One of them saw Mike stroking Connor's brown hair this morning as the two lads were chatting. Oh, dear.:| God, I have no interests in Mike, eventhough he's gorgeous too - but please, don't tell me that Connor is...gay.:( Oh, well.*deep sigh* Whatever. For now, we have only speculations which I believe I don't have to mention here.*big evil grin* Besides, my chances are much slimmer than I am. After that, Gigi and I had a karaoke time.:D The Author

"FAITHLESS" (A TIRED ARGUMENT WITH A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED SKEPTIC)
He claims to have never met anyone as beautiful, yet also sarcastic as she is. Was there ever really one before? He is unsure. All he knows is that she is the only a distant, queen of ice for him to see. "Why should I believe in you? How do I know this time it is true? I have heard the same old, lines before a million times and more." Her past, mental scars strike him in the eye. She no longer tolerates any kinds of lies. How can he convince her that he is serious, when her skepticism is just hideous? "Love has been nothing but a mean joke, and I am tired of being provoked. They say I should never lose my faith yet I also have to face the fate. Why should I risk another heartache??" "How do you know that I am going to hurt you too?" he challenges her. Oh, how he wishes he could take all her pain away, chase all her demons down to the light of her day. If only they had met sooner... "You are right," she agrees. "I don't. Just like I don't know if this is real. I cannot let anything manipulate how I feel. That is why I need to stay awake. A pipe dream is no good for my sake." She turns around and flees, with his voice behind her: "Please, you are already awake! You have always been! This is not a dream! I am as real as you need me to be..." The Author

"A LEAP OF FAITH AT THE CROSSROADS..."
First of all, happy birthday for my lovely aunt Menti (alias Mama Venti) on October 24. So, what's the story for this entry? Again, it's a pretty long one. I didn't write much the last time, so here we go: Last Saturday, I wandered aimlessly around Blok M in the afternoon. (What can I say?:| I was bored.:P) I ate lunch alone and then went home. Mom and my brother went to Bandung. My sister and her family went out. Dad was - as usual - staying home with the male nurse. I had wanted to find a pair of sunglasses there, but could not find any which have suitable frames on my face. I needed second opinions. I am not that confident. (I am the lady with serious lack of fashion taste, remember?*big evil grin*) Why did I need sunglasses all of a sudden? It was the damn previous heatstroke that had hurt my eyes and given me the migraine.:( Obviously, it was from the radiation. A side-effect of the global warming. Will it get any worse?:( *shivers in fear* Anyway, I spent my Saturday night in front of TV for "Criminal Minds: Suspect Behaviour". Boring? No. I enjoy the show, as much as the original "Criminal Minds".:) Forest Whitaker happens to be one of my favourite actors. Then, out of the blue, Lovely Tony texted me. There's another opportunity for me at another foreign language school in Kuningan. He and I have been going over this possibility since last August...secretly. Am I interested? Yes. Have I sent my CV yet? Last Sunday night. Why?? *deep sigh* Alright, when it comes to making any possible progress for your career, you have to be very careful with your decisions. Emotions should be pushed aside for a while. Be logical and rational. First of all, do I still like my job now? I love it. Flexible working hours, freedom and creativity at work, and nice co-workers. (Well, I even think of them as my second family.:D) Plus, it is close to where I live. So, what is wrong? Nothing, really. But then again, that could be the tricky part. You know what they say about 'the comfort zone'. It can lead to stagnation, just because it makes you feel safe. Well, I received a reply from the school manager on Monday morning. (Okay, that was quick.) In order to show my seriousness, I contacted Mr.Lindsay - the school manager - on Tuesday morning. And I am having my first entry test there on Friday morning at nine. Well, I have got to be brave about this now. I think I have finally made up my mind. In the end, it is all about gaining more experiences, meeting new people, and expanding my network. Broadening my horizon, as Mz.D would always like to put it. So, am I ready for this kind of change? Yes, I am.:D No seconds thoughts or hesitations this time. Will I miss all my friends at work now? Of course. But this is just how life works. It is nothing personal. I love them all. I just don't want to get trapped in 'the comfort zone'. So, what's the other back-up plan? A media company, recommended by my friend Gita. I am going to try that too, although I have made up my mind. In the end, whichever accepts me first and offers me bigger salary than my current one, I will take it. For now, first things first. I still need to do my job well.:) Plus, my side project at Gigi's morning school this Saturday. What about my freelance translating job? It is off for now. One phone call from my cousin Rizki again and I will be on the move. It is that simple. I am back to writing more. Hopefully I will be more productive and can earn something more from this. As usual, I refuse to go down without a fight! *bares fangs* :P The Author

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!" :)
Happy birthday, Daddy.:) Stay strong. Don't give up. Keep on fighting. We love you. R./The Author

"WHEN THE HEATSTROKE HAS BEEN SIMPLY PARALYZING YOU..." =(
Again, I have been wanting to write here soonest.:( I mean, I have badly wanted to. Well, here I am now. As usual, reality often gets in the way. I have been busy, even during this relatively short break. Not to mention the heatstroke that has been causing me a serious migraine lately. (I hate this.) Monday was the last report card day. I was already exhausted. I could not wait for the term break. I went to Mayestik with Mom and my brother on Tuesday. We had lunch at Bakmi Boy before going to a tailor's and a seamstress' to have my coats shortened and skirts made. Wednesday was a long, hot day. The ladies at work and I visited one of the big bosses at a hospital in Ciledug, Tangerang. My brother had caught up with the latest weather report and warned me that it was going to be 35 C outside all day. I figured that was why my night class did not go so well.:| Everybody was tired, and so was I. Obviously, the heatstroke had vaporized all our strength. And I came home with a migraine that late night...:( On Thursday, I went to have lunch with Mom and Menti at PIM. Then we had to finish some stuff related to the selling of Grandpa's house in Veteran. My brother caught up with us some time later and we parted ways with Menti. The three of us (Mom, my brother, and I) went to Blok M Square, where my brother could have his late lunch and Mom and I just ordered coffee. (So typical.:P) After picking up my sister at work, we had dinner at Fitria-Perthok. I was still feeling dizzy, so no surprise that I had gone straight to bed the moment we got home. On Friday, Mom, my brother, and my nephew Ganesh and I had lunch at Andhakar.:) It was yummy. Now what? More writings. That's all for now. (Yep, still the same.:P) The Author

"BETWEEN (MY BUSY) SCHEDULES..."
I had had a major sore throat for a week before I finally re-visited my old doctor at Pondok Indah Hospital last Tuesday morning. The last time I went there was, like - eleven years ago? - when my allergies to cats were first discovered. It was a surprise that she still remembered me!:D:P Doc:"How often do you exercise? Your allergies seem to have come from lack of it." Me:"Err...good question, Doc."(blushes) Ouch.:( The diagnosis: my ears were itchy and my nose was slightly runny (especially at night and during low temperature.) I had also been coughing like crazy and feeling suffocated. Thanks to the pollutions in this city.*rolls eyes* I sometimes coughed too hard that my blood vessels just burst in my throat. ("Aargh! Grrh!!") Although it had nothing to do with any nasty viruses, it was still so bloody annoying.:( I couldn't speak well and sing. About 80% of my job involves speaking. What did she do, then? The doctor cleared my runny nose with a steely tool. (Cold!*shudders*) Then she practically choked me by poking the inside of my throat with a Betadine-covered cotton. Of course, I ended up throwing the yucky liquid up, which had been blocking my respiratory system for over a week.:( After that, she gave me three prescribed drugs which I had to take three times a day. Guess what? It was the same stuff she had given me eleven years ago.:P My morning class is over for now, but my student wants to continue next month. (No problem.) I'm going to miss hanging out with Lovely Tony in the mornings (and also everybody else there), but that is okay. As far as I have seen, I think we have gotten closer as friends.:) Sometimes he even feels more like a big brother to me. On Wednesday morning, I went to Panglima Polim to finish my morning class' evaluation report. I hung around there too until lunch with anyone I could come across with. Robert always shared his interests in things and enthusiasm in life. This lively, cheerful 50-year-old dad from London looks younger than his real age.:P I'll say he looks forty-ish. Thursday morning has been more interesting than ever. First, I showed up at sometime around eight in Panglima Polim. I waved at some of the janitors at the lobby and casually asked them if anyone had been downstairs already. That is why I wasn't surprised when Lovely Tony hid behind the wall and tried to surprise me. (He had already done that twice and only succeeded once so far. The first time was when I had been listening to my phone when he suddenly jumped in front of me. The second was when both of us were having similar throat problems that his coughing had already given him away even before he entered The Bat Cave.*big evil grin*:P LOL!xD) "They tipped me before I came in," I explained to him smugly, referring to the janitors upstairs. He groaned. "Damn," he cursed. Then he accused me with an evil grin on his handsome face, "You cheated." "Cheated? Me??" I took his bait, enjoying this silliness.:P "Did they tell you I was here or did you asked them?" "I asked them." "Ah...that means you cheated." "Hey, I didn't know this was supposed to be a game." That did it. We both cracked up laughing at that. Then our conversation stirred between jobs, life, career, shoes, until... "I have been curious, but I am afraid to offend you." "What?" Uh-oh. I sensed something wrong from his expression. "Last year, the first time we met...I thought you were...uh..." "What?" "A dyke." WHAT?!:-O He quickly blushed. "I'M SORRY!" "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" xD "Okay, I didn't expect that," he admitted, looking all surprised, confused, yet also relieved at my reaction. "I thought you would be offended." "Well, you're lucky that you're not the first person with the wrong ideas about me." And thankfully, since he and I are already friends, I didn't even think about punching him in the face for that. What for, anyway?:P He didn't mean to offend me. Well, what can I say?*shrugs* I am single and a tomboy.:P Of course, people will always, ALWAYS get the wrong impressions or ideas about me. That's nothing new anymore. The next thing I knew, we were opening up more about ourselves to each other. About our past and personal scars. About the first time he 'came out' and told his family, his relationships - past and present - and the social and religious consequences. About why I became a tomboy in the first place. It turned out that we both had the similar dad issues. Most of the time, I noticed that he was almost...in tears.:( Somehow, my heart just went out on him. I couldn't help caring for this man even more despite everything. Just like I had for...Pumpkin. I don't know what he actually meant by him needing my support. But if it means being his friend, of course I will be. I mean, we already are. Only God can be the judge of everything. We're only humans and we make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is free of sin. I think I sort of gave him a halfway hug while he was sitting in front of the computer that morning, just to show him that I wasn't mad at him for having mistaken me as a lesbian.:P (I am not good with words, unless when I write them. My irony.:|) When Muti walked in right after he had talked about his ailing uncle with leukemia (again, almost in tears :| ), I felt just...awkward repeating the same act. So I just mumbled something about heading upstairs to find the receptionist, rested my hands on his broad shoulders, saying gently: "Take it easy, okay?" "Okay." I am a tomboy, not heartless.:( But I guess we have already known that all along. I went to two weddings in a row last Saturday, but I am afraid I am too tired of writing more about them now. Next time? We'll see. The Author

"LUCKY..."
Is it always like that? My eyes caught a sight of you when you stared at your ringing cellphone. I could tell it was something out of the blue - all from your expression. Do you know how beautiful you looked at that moment? Then you answered the phone and your face lit up. You were just talking about that particular person before, so I could tell who the caller was - even before you finally told me after that. Is it usually like that? I wish you could tell me more about it. I wish I had the guts to ask you, knowing how childlike and silly this may sound to anyone in this adult world. Still, I found myself completely in awe that morning. I don't know why. Maybe it is the fact that I have got a rare talent in sensing the vibe. I know when people are in love with other people. I have got no idea how exactly. I just feel it, and - somehow - that only works when it is not related to me. (That is why I can never really tell whether there is any particular guy interested in me. Even if one exists, my friends usually notice him first before they tell me.) Is it like that? When you hear the voice of the one you love the most these days - even on the phone, there is that light in your beautiful, chocolate brown eyes. How your smile tells the world around you just how lucky you are. How your inner glow shows from the radiance in your face. Are all people in love like that? Will I look like that when I find love, when love finds me, and when I am in love? Will love ever really find me? Will I ever be in love again, this time without having to get myself heartbroken in the end? That is all I have ever really known when it comes to love. That is why I wondered about you and the love of your life on the phone. Have you got any idea just how lucky you two really are?:) I hope so. *deep sigh* The Author

"THE LONELY WEEKEND"
Okay, that sounds a bit too depressive.:P 'The lonely weekend'. Maybe I should rephrase that better: Solitary? The weekend in solitude? A perfect temporary getaway for an antisocial? (Wait, I'm not always like that!) A break from the usual, daily chaos? Whatever I'd like to call it.:P Still, this has been the lonely weekend for me. Am I really feeling that sad and lonely? Hmm, maybe not exactly. In fact, I'm generally fine. Happy, to be more precise.:) Like my brother has told me last night (as we were briefly chatting on FB), at least I've finally got my real break. A sense of peace and quiet, all to myself.:D Well, not really. Dad and the male nurse are at home, but you know what I mean. For the past couple of days, at least I got to go anywhere I like without having anyone or anything breathing down my neck. Poor Daddy...:( This also has something to do with the fact that I've been ill since Wednesday.:( I had dinner last Tuesday at my usual favourite meatball restaurant near from where I work and woke up the next morning with a horrid stomachache. Was the cheese meatball a bit stale already? That had been my early speculation. All I knew was that I'd had to cancel attending the internal training that morning. My room is practically next to the bathroom, so that was the safest spot for me. However, I didn't want to have my salary cut short - so I finally forced myself to go to work in the afternoon. (I know, I know. That wasn't very wise of me.:|) Thank God my student for the night class had cancelled the meeting again, so I could go home early. Jules had speculated that it might have been my PMS, and I had thought: oh, shit. Not again.*rolls eyes* I didn't put any sauce on the meatballs, and I've known better to stay away from spicy foods. (Not very Indonesian of me, eh?*sneers* Patrick once teased me about this.:P) By the time I got home, I had no more energy to do anything else. Mom had suggested that I visit the neighbourhood clinic the next morning, but I remembered my morning class at Panglima Polim. It was amazing how I could stand going to work all through Thursday. It was freaking hot all day and I was also dehydrated. I drank a lot but I couldn't eat much. I was afraid. However, I still talked to and smiled at a lot of people. Robert told me that his twelve-year-old son Alex had finished reading J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows" in three days!:D Impressive. In fact, he never lets Alex watch any movies - especially the adaptations - before reading the books first. Lovely Tony was there too, but we only talked briefly. I had to leave for my next two classes soon. By the end of my class, I felt like either throwing up or fainting...or even both.:( I informed Marty and the rest that I couldn't make it on Friday. Let the kids do the mid-exam without me. Friday was my time-out. I was mostly lying in bed, drinking lots of water, taking meds, and eating less. No, I didn't go to the clinic. I didn't have to, anyway, knowing the doctor would've said the same thing: "For a week: no spicy foods." (No problem.:P) "No fries." (Uh, okay.) "No chocolate." (What?) "And NO COFFEE." (NOOO!!='-0) Thank God I got better yesterday. However, Mom still didn't trust my condition enough for an out-of-town trip- so almost everybody had gone off to Bandung this weekend, leaving Dad and me. Oh, well. I didn't do much, though. I've given up on that online quiz for a free Linkin Park ticket.:( I never won. Just my luck. But I did go online for four hours straight last night. That wasn't such a record, remembering that the last time I'd gone that long was when I chatted with Tiger while sending job resumes, writings, and other stuff. Okay, I'm really bored now. I've got to go. See you when I see you.:) The Author

"WHEN SELFISHNESS HAS PLAGUED THE PUBLIC SPACE"
What happened last week on Saturday (10/9) has kept me wondering. That afternoon, I had lunch at a food court in one of the city's malls with my sister and her two children. After lunch, her six-month-old baby was thirsty. We headed over to the nearest nursery room. By the time we got there, the door was locked. My sister knocked on it. The door was opened. A young mother from inside the room was smiling stiffly as she said, "It's occupied, Miss." Then it was slammed again in seconds - right in front of our faces. Obviously, that woman did not seem to care if someone else also needed that room. My sister then asked one of the janitors who happened to pass us: "Isn't the nursery room a communal space?" "Yes, it is." "Then how come that woman is using that all to herself?" my sister demanded. "She's even locking the door!" "Uh, I don't know about that, Ma'am." The janitor seemed nervous despite her still friendly, polite smile. "We're just providing it." Then she hurried off before my sister could pursue her with further questions. Perhaps it was not the first time the janitor had a second thought about reminding visitors who take the term "Pelanggan adalah raja/ratu" (Costumers are kings/queens) way too literally. Yes, especially when these costumers prefer treating the public space as if it is their personal domain. It is up to them if they do not feel like sharing it. Other people may find their own. When my sister knocked that door for the last time, the door burst open again. This time, the woman looked annoyed. "Why don't you see for yourself here?" she yelled. "It's a very small space. Can you actually fit in here?!" What had my sister seen in there? It was indeed, a small space. It became even smaller with the way she had dropped her baby stroller across the floor. Not to mention the way she had rested her child - who turned out to be a toddler, not a baby anymore - on a long bench which was supposed to still fit for about two until three more adults. Not wanting to cause a scene, my sister gave up. We finally walked away to find another place. The woman went back to hogging that entire room. Actually, the mall has more than one nursery room in the building. However, that woman had no courtesy to at least apologize for having hogged the entire space or try finding a solution so that my sister and her thirsty baby could have a decent spot in it. She did not even bother. If I did not remember what has been happening to Prita Mulyasari, I might have taken the picture of that woman and have it posted here. But, come to think of it, what could I have possibly gained from that? That is why I only make her a perfect example on how many urban citizens - whom we often speculate as 'the more educated ones' - have lost empathy on others. What a shame... The Author

"AN ODD COMPARISON":P
"Oftentimes, love feels like a bottleneck. There's only one way to find out whether you're going to be happy or heartbroken in the end." Hehe.:P Honestly, I had no idea where that actually came from. Maybe that's the thing about being romantically-challenged: you get to have a lot of unusual perspectives about love. Is it so bad? Hey, don't even ask me that!*sneers* Here are some of my friends' comments so far: Hevi: "Do you want to do that?" (Uh, do I really have a choice?:P) Lovely Tony: "Sometimes you have to try a few other bottles too." (Hehe.:) Always Mr.Optimistic. That's what I absolutely adore about him. Too bad I keep getting the wrong bottles.*sneers* Or is it more about the liquid content?*big evil grin*) Amber: "But it is always good to read the label first before taking a sip." (LOL!!:D What if the bottle weren't labeled? Would I be considered stupid enough to try, just out of pure curiousity? Or, what if we still had no idea whether the content would do us good instead of harm? How do we know it's not poisonous?) I don't know.*shrugs* I have no idea why I keep getting the wrong bottles. Those labels don't tell a lot either. In the end, you still have to risk yourself out. Not every perfect dream has to come true. Not every love has to produce a relationship. In the end, you can count on no one but only you. That's always been my reality and only God can change that. I've come to terms with that and don't expect anyone to understand me. Still, I'm sick to death of the same old shit. The Author

"REMEMBER THAT SEPTEMBER...=("
*prays*

"HOLIDAY?:P WHAT HOLIDAY?"
I don't need to tell you more about my Eid holiday.:P It didn't really feel like holiday to me. We mostly stayed home, doing house chores and taking care of Dad. Well, Dad needs us to take care of him.:| He's still sick. Besides, there really wasn't that much to do around the city. Same old, same old. Quiet streets, with over half the population elsewhere. Good thing, I guess. Lack of pollution and stress factors. Well, at least that will last for...this week. Still, my head feels noisy. A day without writing is quite a mental torture.:P Alright, you can just ignore that. I do that a lot.:P How was my first day back to work - which was last Monday? Not too good, I'm afraid.:( We had relatives over at home last Sunday and I was just...exhausted. (It's not like I wasn't glad to see them all.) Plus, I've been battling flu and a slight fever. Even my throat is still sore.:( I hate this. I know I'm not the patient kind when it comes to dealing with illnesses. I should be taking care of myself better. How did that happen? It was pretty funny, actually. The virus simply travels around. Everyone gets their turn if they don't take care of themselves better. One day, I was holding my six-month-old nephew Baby Gyan when he suddenly looked up at me and sneezed. Thanks, baby.:P Oh, and I've done a lot of 'weight-lifting' when Dad's male nurse was away on holiday, if you know what I mean. Mom, my brother, and I mostly. Dad's on the wheelchair. Since then, I've been self-medicating with a combination of aspirin, cough drops, and...coffee. Sounds crazy and dangerous enough to you? Maybe.*shrugs* I know I still need proper sleep, but there are things to do and they can't always wait. Okay, I'm shivering again now. I need to calm down. Ciputat school opened on Wednesday, so I only went to Panglima Polim on Monday. I didn't feel 100% ready for the class, but somehow I still managed. My student brought up the subject of a car accident in Cipularang highway which had killed a local celebrity's wife. Then I suddenly remembered my brother's ex-girlfriend Dindi's stories about other true horror experiences related to the same location. I don't know why. It was just completely out of the blue. I bought lunch at "7-11" with Linda. Novel came with chocolate-flavoured banana chips. I was sharing some horror stories with the girls until Agus started joking around with me, trying to imitate ghosts from tacky local movies.:P Not working.*giggles* But we were laughing anyway. He's quiet but funny sometimes. Poor Lovely Tony. He was sick too like me. He said he preferred staying home last holiday. But he did bake some yummy-sounding stuff for people during Eid.:) He's just so sweet. I can't wait for him to start opening his own bakery here.:) That would be super! He told us that he was kind of begging his mother in Australia to send him some of her personal, family recipes, so that he could do some experiments on them. I couldn't resist teasing him: "Can I steal your recipes?":P *big evil grin* I hope he knew that I was just kidding, as usual.*giggles* I mean, me? The kitchen klutz??:P Wade's nose looked much better than the last time I'd seen it. The reddish scar was still visible, but at least his face wasn't as mashed up anymore. "That's good," I commented. When he looked at me, I gestured at my own nose and added, "It's almost gone." "Oh." He smiled. "Thanks." "No problem." I'd just noticed something about his cousin Dan. It happened after I picked up my bags at 2:00 pm and bid farewell to almost everyone in The Bat Cave. ("See you when I get to see you!" Lovely Tony had replied with a smile.:) It's the same line I often use when I say goodbye to him.) I trudged up the stairs and almost bumped into...Dan. Damn. He has smoky blue eyes and reddish - strawberry? - blond hair. He's also rather short, thin, and pale. He looks so much like Red. Feeling embarrassed that he caught me staring at him, I quickly extended my right hand and smiled. "Hi, you must be..." "Dan." He smiled back and we shook hands. After exchanging small, polite conversation, I dashed out before I started doing something worse any klutz ever possibly could. *gulps* The Author

"PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 2"
Oh, you praise your IQ as you disregard my point of view, belittling everything I do, demanding that I look up to you. Aren't you just funny, expecting awe from someone like me? If I am as small as you see, then accept my non-existing sympathy! So what? This is all you've got for treating others with no respect. Oh, what a heartless braniac! Go on, stick to your beloved IQ, while I'm on to something new. Even this stupid little game is too old for you. As far as I'm concerned; we're through! The Author

"ANOTHER SILENT CONVERSATION WITH DAD..."
"Dad, can I ask you a favour?" He nodded. "I need you to pray for me." He nodded again. I sighed in relief. "Thank you." Yikes, this is hard. "Dad, I'm not a freak...right?" He nodded. His lips trembled a little. "And somebody wants to be with someone like me?" He nodded again. I pressed his hand, silently begging, please, don't cry.:'-( "I'm sorry, Daddy. I have to ask that." Another nod. When our eyes finally met, I smiled at him. The corner of his mouth twitched a little. Was that a smile? "I know you didn't really mean what you said back then," I told him. "I know that now. You were just angry. I know you didn't mean it." He nodded again. His shoulders shook slightly. "Sssh, it's okay." Suddenly I felt more terrible than ever. "I'm sorry I have let you down so many times before." He shook his head. Was that a 'no'? "So, are you really going to pray for me too this time?" It took one last nod to lift off the weight of the years. "Thank you, Daddy. I love you." I wished he'd been able to answer that. I still do. If only he could talk again...:'-( The Author

"POST-EID: WHAT TO DO NEXT"
First of all, Eid Mubarak to those who have just celebrated it.:) Have a more forgiving soul and a more peaceful life on earth and here after, everyone. That's the true essence of the Eid celebration. May we all reach that. Amen.:) Still, I'm not perfect.:P I mean, nobody ever really is. But I'm still trying. It's not easy. But just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's impossible, right? Anyway, there was quite a rift before the Eid. Some believed it was supposed to be on August 30, but the experts noticed that it was on the 31st. The verdict: August 31. Actually, it wasn't that big a deal. As long as the whole point of the ritual is the same, so what?*shrugs* No harm, no foul. Right? Hmm, so what to do next? First things first, I guess. As usual. We're having more people over again on September 4, so that means more...hard work...again. Also, I owe the magazine stand some money.*blushes* I'll be back to work on September 5. Yikes!:O*yawns* Oh, well. I hope I'll meet Lovely Tony again in the morning before my ten o'clock class, or else I'll be sleepy and in need of a cup of strong, black coffee. I really do enjoy his company.:) Knowing he's leaving the school on December, I guess I'll just enjoy that while he's still around. There's another thing I'm afraid I have to do as well. It just can't be put off. Another wisdom tooth is growing. It stings like a bitch and gives me a headache. I think it's the shape of a fang.:( Ouch. My dentist cousin Shari has already scheduled an appointment for me on Tuesday morning. I hope it's nothing (too) serious. If a surgery is required, then let's get this over with. What about Linkin Park?:| They're performing on September 21 here. The tickets are madly expensive. The cheapest one is already over a quarter of my salary. Obviously, I just can't afford it. And I haven't won any of it from any quizzes yet. Still, I want to go so bad. I don't care if I've already seen them live the first time they got here. Why? I love them. What am I to do now? I can't just mug people on the streets or rob a bank for it.*big evil grin* Just kidding.:P Of course not. That would be stupid. I do have one last plan, though. One I've been thinking about lately when all else fails and I don't get the ticket at all when the day comes. I just hope it works out. That's all. The Desperate LP Fan :(

"DISSOCIATION"
Here we are again now. Go on, look out the window. It's the same old situation: It's the place where anything goes. They love to hide what everyone knows. like acting rich, despite no money in their pockets; a carefree life, no regrets or looking healthy, when you're sick inside. Sometimes it's necessary and worth the fight. What happens when you're out of steam? Can you still fill the emptiness in your dreams? How about looking pretty, despite the concealed, hideous scars? Chasing down the demons, while reaching for the stars. Let's pray they'll never come back just to throw you off the track! Who are we? Whom do we want to be? Whom do they expect us to be? The mirror often reflects the answers we'd either choose to accept or reject: "No, this is me. It's whom they refuse to see. There are sacrifices to be made to avoid fear, judgement, indifference, and even hate..." Until when? Good question. If that's what we all do, then how do I know that I'm talking to you? How can you tell that it's me you're talking to? Is our every word ever really, really true? The Author

"THE LAST WEEK OF RAMADAN: A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS"
It's been a while since the last time I wrote in here, eh?:P I meant to return sooner, but some things had kept me away. Reality's been making me busy. It's a hectic life out there. We're about to reach the end of Ramadan this year. Here I am now, with a flood of thoughts as usual. Where do I begin? Hmm, let's see. I find myself standing at the crossroad again, all in my mental picture. Which path I must choose next? Where does that lead me to? Will there be regrets or something better that awaits? Is it safe? All that jazz. Nothing new. Well, do you believe in a chain of events? I do. It's the moment where we can say: 'If I hadn't met that person/done this, I would...'(fill in the blank according to your own personal experience as you may.:P) There are a lot of things I can write about that. For now, just a few. I'm still searching for other chances to broaden my horizon, while maintaining my writing career. (Which I haven't really done in a good way lately.:|) Don't get me wrong. I love my job now. Despite the low salary, it's the most convenient job I've got so far. I love the challenges and have met many good friends and interesting colleagues along the way. I think I've already seen it all. I don't forget the real purpose I took the job in the first place - three years ago. It's been fun.:) I've been on both sides of the table there, because I've been a student too as a child. The funny thing is, I come from a long line of teachers in my family (my father's side, mostly), but had hardly thought about following the same path until the time I met my friends Patrick and Hani.:D So, I could say that if I hadn't met both of them, I wouldn't have thought of becoming a teacher myself. I always remember the light in their eyes when they talked about their teaching jobs. Pretty ironic, eh?:P Especially since I was also an odd and academically troubled student. I hate to admit this, but I've somehow found myself growing emotionally attached to...Lovely Tony. No, it's not an infatuation or a silly crush like that. He's seriously good-looking, I know, but obviously off-limits. He's in a relationship, and...not interested in women. Enough said.*big evil grin* I don't know why. Maybe it's the quiet mornings we often spend together at work. We talk about work, life, and joke around too. (Well, at least the last one is enough to make us smile, laugh, and feel less sleepy.) We also throw comments on FB. What else? Maybe it's just something I miss. There's something brotherly about him, the way I often feel about my pal Al...and sometimes Tiger too. (He even sounds like Tiger when he speaks sometimes - even with a different accent.) He feels like the rainbow, or the morning sunshine itself.:) Maybe that's what I've been missing about myself lately, which I somehow can find in him. It's the sense of lightness, positivity and enthusiasm. I mean, when he went to Bali for a short holiday, I found myself staring at the mirror and asking these questions: "When was the last time you had a holiday? A REAL holiday, where you don't have to worry about anything or anyone but yourself? Just let loose and be YOU under no microscopes of scrutiny and judgements for a while. At all. No expectations or demands. No accusations for being selfish." Is it selfish to do so? Everybody needs a break, right? Like me, Lovely Tony has a personal career goal as well. I still want to become an author. He wants to open his own business. A bakery.:D I know he's not staying at the school for long. He's already told me that in one of our conversations. I feel kind of sad knowing that, but I understand that he needs to do what makes him happy. Besides, he's right. Life's too short. I fear stagnation. I don't want to end up getting myself stuck in the same place, with nowhere to go. We've got to do what we've got to do to gain something better, right? I still have dreams. "When that day comes," I said, referring to the day his last contract ends (which is sometime this December *snifs*), "I'm going to miss our morning conversations." He smiled at that. I smiled back at him and added, "I'm serious." Do you remember the prayer I've made before Ramadan this year? It's still the same. Linda once asked me how I'd been doing lately. My answer? Fine, as long I don't have to deal with love that leads nowhere. "Why?" She'd looked concerned. "My relationship with love/romance is as good as an agnostic's with God." Yep. Scary but true. At least I still have the guts to admit that and address the issue. You can tell me not to be like that. You can call me pathetic. I don't care. All I still believe is that only God can change that for me. I mean, I still believe that love exists, but only when it happens to other people but me. For me these days, it's just too damn good to be true. I only know that it can always break your heart. I am so damn good at getting my heart broken that I start wondering whether love is really worth it or not. Who's this guy anyway? How can he be so sure that I am the missing point in his life? We've never even met for real, for God's sake! He could be either a stalker, a lonely broken Romeo, or another modern version of Phantom of The Opera. Still, he sounds genuine. Should I trust my gut? Oh, wait. What does it tell me?? Is it love, a mere distraction, or just another mean joke preying on the same, easy victim? Some test of faith, eh?:| The Author

"THE THIRD THREE DAYS"
I didn't do much last Sunday. I mostly relaxed at home and finished up the reading from Robert. Wade's broken nose was still the talk of the office on Monday. (It turned out that Robert wasn't kidding when he mentioned about the newspaper earlier.) Some girls delivered the story behind the injury: One night, Wade woke up to the barking sound of a neighbour's dog. Feeling more than annoyed, he stormed out and confronted the owner. They got into a huge row until they woke up the entire neighbourhood. Unfortunately for Wade, the whole cluster was on the dog's master's side. The row then escalated into a serious fist-fight until...well, Wade got whacked in the face. Yes, it was on the local newspaper. I don't know which one, and I don't intend to find out.:P I'm also unsure whether it really was true or not, but it was also stated that Wade had come bursting out that night with a knife. (Or, was it the neighbour?) "Isn't his wife pregnant?" "Are they EVEN married?" Uh-oh. Okay, no comment. Mz.D says that most teachers there know Wade's been on "something". (She used to work there for a year.) I know people can do a lot of unimaginable things when they're not 100% sober. They can say things they regret later or worse - they don't remember. Other than that, nothing else too serious happened around here. My life seems to stay at stagnation. Hmm... The Author

"THE SECOND THREE DAYS"
Thursday was indeed a very busy day. It was a hectic one. I started it with my ten-o'clock class at Panglima Polim. Since Mom and my brother needed me to help them with the catering delivery, I waited for them there after class. I don't know if I am ever moving there permanently. Up to now, I still haven't received their official offer. But I don't rely so much on it. I'm still looking around for more possible options. Not much I did there. Other teachers were busy preparing for their next classes, so I didn't dare disturb them that much. I just talked to some of the girls (who happen to be minority.) A tall, serious-looking redhead (or dusty blond?) guy came in and mumbled a hi to everybody - including me. (Later I found out from Mz.D that it was Dan.) Then he busied himself with the computer. Robert asked for my help to try out a school material. I must return it tomorrow morning. Then more teachers came. Mz.D has already filled me in on some people there, but I was still shocked to see Dan's cousin Wade showing up...with a plastered broken nose and a black eye. He grinned at me. (I admit that he's actually pretty good-looking too, but there's something rather 'off' about him. He's like a rowdy, overgrown Peter Pan - especially with such a "reputation".*raises an eyebrow*) "What happened?" I couldn't help asking. I was curious. He grinned at me again. "Grass," he slurred, so I wasn't sure if I'd heard him right. Then Robert quietly interrupted beside me: "Haven't you read the newspaper today?" "Hmm, no." I looked at him. "Why? Would there be an explanation on...that?" Thankfully, Wade had turned around when my finger was pointed. Robert hissed: "Ssh!" "Oh." That was when I realized that Robert was just being sarcastic.*blushes* Silly me. Later, when I told Mz.D about Wade's broken nose, she speculated, "Probably just another bar-fight." Ooh. After receiving a phone call from Mom (she and my brother were waiting at the parking lot outside), I saw Lovely Tony coming in. He's just celebrated his birthday on August 2. "Tony!" "Hi," he greeted back and smiled at me. We shook hands and I felt his thick beard graze my cheek a bit. "How was the celebration?" I asked him. "Not finished yet, apparently." Then he started telling everybody in the room about his plan to visit Bali in the next couple of weeks with his crew of friends.:) One lucky lad. I couldn't stay long after that. Time for the catering delivery. There wasn't much to tell about it. Traffic, traffic, traffic. It got so bad that I had to admit: "HELP! We're drowning in a sea of vehicles!":( --- // --- Not much to do on Friday. I went to work for a while to check for my new class schedule. Then I joined Mom, my brother, Menti's family, and Aunt Nina's family for dinner at PIM. It's been a long time since we actually did that.:D --- // --- On Saturday, Mom wanted me to accompany her to Mayestik. We had dinner at GM in Bintaro Plaza after that. Oh, we did some shopping too! The Author

"THE FIRST THREE DAYS"
I've finally accepted Mz.D's challenge. The night before the first day of Ramadan, I registered my name to a local newspaper website for my own blog there. Why another blog? This time, it's different. It's not just about my daily, mundane stuff. It should be about something more serious and thought-provoking. She's challenged me to start a real citizen journalism.:D I still don't know what I'm going to start writing there, but I'm sure it'll be an interesting project. Besides, if I get lucky, the newspaper might be interested to publish all my works in real print - just like what they've done to other bloggers there. Come to think of it, why not? It's always worth the try.:) It's not just about the money, but also acknowledgment to my work. We'll see. I'm looking forward to it.:) What am I going to do today? Probably not much. I'll just write, write, and write some more. There are also lots to read here to help me to pass the time. Some TV crime shows? Why not? No complaints here.:) I have to go to work too for the students doing the make-up exams. The Author

"THE FASTING MONTH, A REALLY SHORT TERM BREAK, AND A REGULAR WORKAHOLIC"
Here we are again. Another fasting month this year. The first week of Ramadan is also my term break at work. A really short one, though. I still have my morning class at Panglima Polim on Mondays and Thursdays. That's okay.:) More money and I get to meet my friend Lovely Tony there as well. After the concert last weekend, I'm back to being a regular workaholic. So far, that's the good thing that can help me to take my mind off 'unnecessary things'. Keeping busy to stay sane and sensible, that is.:P Tiger said his fasting month there starts on Tuesday. Well, at least I know when to send him an Eid e-card after that.;) My good friend Leese had an amazing tour around South Korea after her research paper on EFL teaching won a competition this week.:) I'm very proud of her, because she's really that good. She's earned it. This is the first time that I've seen her this happy in years since I've gotten to know her. I'm happy for her.:) Despite her broken home, she's managed to succeed. It's never really been easy for her, especially since - sadly - her own mother doesn't even seem to notice how wonderful her only daughter actually is.:( I hope God will give her more miracles that she truly deserves this Ramadan.:) Leese has been a rock to herself. I'm sick of seeing her get hurt over and over by some guys who don't even deserve her attention. She deserves a real man who loves and respects her the way she is. What miracles do I want - and need - this Ramadan? I guess it's still the same thing. I want to be able to speak of love without feeling any pain. I want to bring myself to start believing in it again, because - as sad as this sounds - I just don't. I can't, no matter how hard I've tried. (Of course, some people might accuse me of not trying hard enough, as usual - but they often have no idea.) All along, I only know that the good sides of love happen to other people but me. I only know that love has done nothing more than showing me that it never stays just for me. Maybe I've been so good at playing a heartbroken girl that God keeps giving me the same role over and over again. Was it something horrid and unforgivable I did in the past?? *deep sigh* I don't know. That's all I've ever known about love so far. And btw, I still challenge God the same thing, since He's the only who can change my mind on this. I don't expect any of you to have to understand this. I'm just sick to death of the same result that I say, "Show me one damn, good reason why love is really worth it. Just one, because I don't want to sound like a nagging little girl. I'm just a bloody skeptic." If there's still none for me, then please - make those annoyingly judgmental people out there on single women like me shut the hell up. This year, I need to go through the fasting month better than before - and I don't need anyone to start pissing me off with why the hell I'm still single. Even better, God, make them all turn away if I bug them that much. Thank you. Forgive me for sounding so chronically bitter, but I'm sure You understand me best. The Author

"A LONG SATURDAY @ JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2011: A SHORT ADVENTURE OF THE FABULOUS FOUR"
Date: Saturday, July 23, 2011 - Sunday, July 24, 2011 Location: Ancol, North Jakarta Event: Java Rockingland 2011 The Fab Four: me (hehe!:P), Gigi, Froggy, and Uthie It was a long Saturday at Java Rockingland 2011 in Ancol, North Jakarta. It was also a short but wonderful adventure of The Fab Four (a.k.a. my friends and I. Hehe!:P) We gathered at Blok M's underground bus station at sometime around four. Then we took the Trans-Jakarta bus rides to Ancol. It was a quick one. We arrived at Ancol at around five. It was still too early for us, even when the show had already started at four. The sky was still pretty bright, so we decided to walk all the way down to Carnival Beach - where the concert was being held. It was one hell of a long walk, but I didn't care. We were having fun, taking pictures and joking around. The air smelt of polluted salty water. (North Jakarta is closest to the sea.) We had dinner at MacDonald's before we entered the gate at 7:15 that night. It was already dark, and the place was packed, just like last year. Some bands had already been playing. We stopped by to watch the performance of Young The Giant on one stage. It was the very first time for me to watch them, and I thought, "Wow, they're great." They even covered one track from The Strokes very well. The lead singer?*drools* Hehe.:P He was just so my type. Tall, with dark brown complexion and thick eyebrows. SEXY.:D He even has a sexy, singing voice (according to me, at least.:P Hehe.*big evil grin*) That's why my friends had a hard time dragging me away to see other performers and roam around. It was like...pure infatuation. (Aww!:P) I felt like leaving part of my heart right there and then. *giggles* I know, I know.:P I'm just being crazy, as always. Anyway, when I first heard the intro of Live's "All Over You" from the other stage nearby, I couldn't help myself. I bolted there, suddenly forgetting my three friends behind. (Sorry.*blushes*) Uthie still managed to keep up with me. Ed Kowalczyk (sp?) - the lead singer of Live (I suppose the band's split for a long time now) - showed up with his other band. Earlier when I read the schedule for the Saturday shows, I'd thought he'd have only performed his own solo tracks. It turned out that he and his band were also playing songs by Live: "Selling The Drama", "I Alone", "Lightning Crashes", "Beauty of Grace", and even the ballad "Overcome". Oh, and they also played "Dolphin's Cry" and "Lakini's Juice". "I wrote this song when my first daughter was born," Ed announced sometime that night. We all caught the cue, and somebody screamed before Ed even got the title out: "Heaven!" Then came one of the sweetest songs a rock musician had ever made - all in the name of a father's love: "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven. I look at my daughter and I believe..." Aww!:D Neon Trees performed at a nearby stage right after Ed and friends left. I don't know this band that well. I only hear their song "Animal" on the radio a lot lately. I think they're pretty good. I'm also impressed with their lady drummer because she also sings back-up. She's very good! The Cranberries really rocked the night.:D They started their part with "Don't Analyze", before carrying on with "Animal Instinct". They also played "Linger", "Just My Imagination", "Dreaming My Dreams", "Waltzing", "Ode To My Family", "I Can't Be With You", "Zombie", and "Salvation". They introduced some of their new songs from their next (comeback?) album, including "Schizophrenic Playboys".(???) Dolores and the lads ended the show with "Promises" and..."Dreams". We left the show sometime after midnight. I guess everybody must've been very tired. All in all, it was an awesome show. Hope to see the progress of the event next year! The Author

ON MY WAY TO JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2011...=D
I'm on my way to Java Rockingland 2011 now this evening. I'm going with Gigi, her boyfriend Froggy, and her best friend Uthie.=D We're going to watch The Cranberries tonight! YAY! The bad news is: I don't think I can watch Incubus on Tuesday. I'm broke.=( I've missed them before when they first visited here, and I have to miss them now. Oh, well. We can't just have it all, can we? What about Linkin Park?(September 21) We'll see. I'm still trying my best. The Author

"THE CLASS PROJECT: HIGH-SCHOOL BULLYING"
I have been working on a class project with my students. The first week of school has gone by in a flash, but we have decided to use the theme "School Bullying" and this is one of their essays: Rasti's story: Rasti*(16) is being bullied by her school seniors only because they think she is annoying. Her voice sounds like a little girl's and that somehow upsets them. Because of their mockery, she feels so angry. She hates her seniors more. (as retold by Valerie*) *All names have been changed. --- // --- One of the most popular public high schools in Jakarta has this annual, unofficial 'tradition' between students. Every year (and for the whole year), the freshmen are expected (or demanded, to be more precise) to follow these stupid rules by their insecure, nonsensical seniors - all in the name of gaining 'respect': 1.No branded bags or shoes for freshmen: I don't understand what is so threatening about a new kid showing up at school in a pair of Adidas or carrying an expensive-looking school-bag. I mean, I can't even believe that many kids nowadays pursue higher education and act like grade-A jerks. Don't they have anything better and more important to do, like studying for finals or preparing for college? 2.Address all seniors as 'Kakak' (Big Brother or Big Sister): That is okay if they really deserve it. If the freshmen don't (or refuse to do so), they will be considered disrespectful. Why the feudalistic crap? That's not real respect! Get over it, will you? It's not like you're going to stay in that school forever. You're only a year apart anyway, so what's the big deal? You're not even blood-related. (FYI, I even address my older sister with just her name.) 3.Know your turf: There are three stairs in the building, but the freshmen can only use one. The seating arrangement in the school cafeteria will remind you of those in the maximum security prisons. (I watch documentaries.) The freshmen get the smallest spot at the very corner, while the seniors can eat up the rest of the space. That's not even enough. If you're a freshman student, don't even think about hanging there for lunch. Their eyes will simply bore into you. If you dare stare back, it's their excuse to pick a fight with you. If you're unlucky, they don't feel the need to have an excuse at all to do so. It's all about power and control for such narcissistic souls. Don't ask me what can happen if you 'violate their territory'. You're lucky if they only bash you verbally. It could be worse. 4.Freshmen students aren't allowed to go to the malls in town all by themselves, unless they're with their parents/other family members: If a senior from the same school catches them breaking this rule, they'll be the most favourite 'targets' of the year. Personally, I think this is just beyond idiotic. I mean, who the hell do they think they are? They don't own the malls. They don't even own the schools. Why is this 'teenage mafia' such a trend here? What will become of these kids - especially if the so-called tradition keeps being passed down to the next class? Corporate thugs? Weakling cowards? Backstabbers? Don't ask me. As a former victim and now a teacher, I am more than concerned. I am enraged. The Author

"WHY WE SHOULDNEVER FEAR BULLIES"
Whether you are at school, college, university, work, or other public places - there will always be bullies. Yes, that is bad news for all pacifists who long for harmony. Let's just face it: we can never really get rid of them all, one way or another. In fact, they get smarter and slicker by the day. It seems that they can get away with anything and no higher authorities notice the nasty things they do. Many magazines have published countless articles on how to deal with bullying already. Avoid them if you can. Ignore them if it is still mild. Fight back and defend yourself if it gets too far. Seek help and support if they threaten your life. There are facts about bullies that we must always keep in mind. After that, it is your call to take which step you might find efficient for the sake of your life. 1.Bullies are small-minded beings who think they are big. They are the weakling cowards who believe they are strong, brave, and powerful. (In other words: they are delusional!) 2.Strength in numbers, frail in solitude. When they are alone, they target smaller, physically or mentally weaker people. As a pack, their true solidarity in friendship only works when it gives them mutual and equal benefits and mostly involves violence...on their targets. 3.Bullies have got nothing better to do than picking on people. They seriously need to get lives. Why? Their reasons are mostly irrational. They bully because they can. They do it because they want to. Yes, you are free to call them ridiculous. So what if you are overweight? Why should they be envious if you are smart? It is not your problem if they hate your skin colour. 4.Bullies are actually very, very insecure underneath. They have got bigger issues and displaced their anger in an unhealthy manner. Problems at home? Personal inadequacies? You name it. Otherwise, they will not put others down just to make themselves feel and look better. Come to think of it, what a shame. How pathetic. 5.Bullies crave for respect, but only gain fear and hatred in the end. If they believe that they are already all-that and everything, then why insist on acknowledgement from other people that way? That is just stupid. 6.They only call you a snitch for reporting them to the higher authorities because they are afraid of getting convicted. (Besides, you have got the civil rights to feel safe wherever you are. Why won't they leave you alone?) 7.When the tables turn (and believe that they will), bullies will surely get a bitter taste of their own medicine. If they sense the strong wake-up call and regret their past bullying manners, that is a good thing. If they do not, well...perhaps they still deserve some more of that.*big evil grin* 8.Bullies are the living examples of the type of person you should never be. You are and ought to be a much better person than they are. Next time a bully or two comes to bug you, you know what to do. As long as you remember how small and pathetic they truly are, you have got nothing to fear. The Author

"BROKE TOO SOON..."
Again, I'm broke too soon.:( I know that I shouldn't be, but it's been tough. It's holiday season and there aren't many classes this term. There aren't many translation orders either. I haven't even got any of my recent writings published yet. The funny thing is, I'm not a big spender. So what do I do now? I am also still waiting for their official request to have me moved to the other school. Just to be safe, I am waiting for that to happen on the business review. Well, let's hope for my miracle.:P The Author

"FLY HIM TO THE MOON...AND LEAVE HIM THERE!:P"
"Jules, check this out." I was showing my friends Jules a chick-lit from one of the stands at the book fair last Sunday afternoon. The title was "Fly Him To The Moon" (but please forgive me, I forgot the author's name!*blushes*) It's a typical romance comedy about two best friends - a dazzling girl and a plain tomboy - with the guys around them. (Sounds familiar.:|) After a while, the tomboy soon gets sick and tired to see all the guys notice her dazzling beautiful best friend instead of her. (Okay, too DAMN familiar.:|) "What's that?" "'Fly Him To The Moon'," I read the title out loud, although she could read it herself. Then, with my big evil grin, I added, "...and leave him there!" We giggled like crazy. "If he's a jerk, then he probably deserves it!" Jules went on and we cracked up laughing again. "Nobody's going to miss him that much here!" Alright, not many people can get my dark, sarcastic sense of humour. But that was actually one of the signs why I'm romantically-challenged. It's like, when I watch this corny, romantic scene where the actor comes up with such a lame line: "I can't live without you!", I usually gag.:P *sneers* Ha, ha. Don't blame the girl if she ends up saying: "Nonsense, you're still alive and breathing!":P Anyway, I didn't buy that book. I'm still not mentally prepared to read stuff like that. Still, I bought some other books that day.;) So did the ladies. 'The ladies' were Jules, Mz.D, and my old pal Nezzie. We had lunch at Gandaria City (the mall) and hung around there until night. It's mid-year and everyone here shops like crazy to celebrate the annual discount party. Books, clothes, bags, shoes...you name it.:P Unfortunately, I've got a tight budget this month.:( I know it's holiday season too, but maybe it's just not my moment. While my friends were busy shopping, I tagged along - trying out some and commenting on their choices. Typical ladies' day-out. Actually, I'm not much of an enthusiastic shopper when it comes to clothes. The same, old issue: the size. It's the plus-size me, if you know what I mean. Only a few stores cater to the needs of people like me here.:| If I couldn't help myself, there would be these ridiculous wishful thoughts again. Like, I wish I had Mz.D's slightly towering frame. (But she told me her broad shoulders often give her problems when it comes to finding the right blazer.) Or Nezzie's petite figure and almond-shaped eyes. (And she also has problems finding clothes her size.) Or Jules' light complexion. (But she often says she can't stand the heat of the sun too long.) But no, I'm a much different person now. I have to be.:) Unless it's work or other formal occasions, I rarely brush my long, rebellious curly dark hair. The previous paragraph? Just a short description of my friends.;) We stayed there until dinner. On our way to the parking lot, I suddenly exclaimed: "It's good to be single!" "Really?" asked Nezzie as she slung an arm around my shoulder. I caught Jules smiling at me. "Hell, yeah!" I called out, realizing that I'd meant it (and still do). Nezzie grinned at me and agreed, "Yes, it is." Indeed.:P Besides, I am also damn good at it. The Author

THE VOICE OF A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED AUTHOR:
"You may wonder, you may disagree. However, this is me. This is my side of story. I am a romantically-challenged author. Why? I have been a regular love-cynic for as long as I can remember. With each heartbreak comes a growing skepticism which I am afraid I can no longer ignore. You may judge me as slightly crazy and somewhat pathetic, but I don't care.:P Why don't you try these shoes on, at least for a day? Let's see if you still feel the same after that.*sneers* I dare you. Don't worry, I am not always this gloomy. I still have my hobbies, my job, my friends, my family, and...well, this city. I am not a damsel in distress. I just question a lot. Thankfully, I still have my rather dark sense of humour.*big evil grin* That is just how I survive. Come to think of it, I don't mind being alone. In fact, I have been so used to it. I'm just wondering, whether love is ever really for everybody and worth the pain..." The Author

AT THE INTERSECTION...
I really can't wait for the business review next month. I've finally made up my mind. It's time to move, and I've gathered all the information that I need to consider and weigh my options carefully. First of all, the money. (I'm not a hypocrite.:P) I've calculated the possible daily expenses if I move there more permanently. They give 20% higher salary and I only need two bus rides from home to work. (That means cheaper transport fee.) Second, the new focus and perspectives. I know that in that school, I won't be given advanced English classes anymore, because they belong to native-speaking teachers. (Well, unless if they come up with a new policy or some sort.) Well, I can put up with that. I can also focus more on my other two side-jobs: freelance translating and writing.:D After all, my real goals are to gain more experiences and insights for stories. I mean, we'll never know if we don't try. I have to be brave about this, right? I guess this is it. If the offer has already come twice, that means they're serious, right? Still, this feels tough. This means leaving my second family. I've only told Mr.T and Mz.D about this. So far, they've been quite understanding. Still, Mr.T suggested that I wait for their real, official request - or a notice from The Central Office. How bad do they want me? I don't want to be easy. That's why I can't wait for the business review. They usually ask the questions during that moment. I have to be careful with this. I don't want to burn bridges. I don't know about Marty, though. He's The Principal now. I know we're still short on teachers, but I'm sorry. I can't wait forever. I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but I hope he'll understand and let me go when the time comes. Well, we'll just wait and see when it really does. Of course, there'll be a serious talk. I hope things will come out good in the end. Good and right, that is. For now, I'll just start preparing what must be prepared. First things first. I'll come back again soon.;) You know that. Until then, take care. love, The Author/SBF/QB

DIZZY AND DELIGHTS
It went well. I enjoyed it as usual.:) This time, the challenge was even more interesting: I had to play multiple characters.:D Thank God I joined the high school acting club and can change my accents when necessary.:D These days, the heat has been unbearable that I ended up with the annoying migraine for three days.:( Thankfully, I felt much better on Friday because I had to attend another joint branch workshop. I got the latest issue of "The Showcase" - my school bulletin for teachers - with my article in it. YAY!:D I guess it's about time that I did that more often. Mr.Rich from Panglima Polim suggested that I try moving there more permanently. Tempting? Yeah. I mean, I like my job and the people I work with right now. No complaints. But I don't want to get my career stuck. I don't plan on staying in the same place forever, eventhough the people are already like my second family. I mean, where's the adventure? *deep sigh* Oh, God. This is tough. I must be extra careful with my decisions. I've been in the same place for over three years. Is this the right time to move? What am I going to do? A little hint, please. I know that what I really need is a boredom killer, or new challenges. I guess that's the only reason I can think of for now. It's nothing personal. When they ask me about that again during business review next month, I'll just say yes. No more hesitation. Just dive in. The Author/SBF/QB

RE-SCHEDULED!
t turned out that the dubbing was being re-scheduled...at the VERY last minute. My brother was driving me there when I got the call. Such a late notice, as usual. Oh, well.:| That means I'll have to come again tomorrow morning.:| Same time, same place. Let's just hope that there'll be no more cancellation for that. Money's been super tight lately, and I hate the thought of giving my poor brother another useless time. (Well, although he actually doesn't mind driving me around.) He's Mr.Nice Guy after all. I'm also not the nagging type of sister.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 48
"THE BLUSHING BRIDE" Isn't she lovely? That blushing bride on her day is smiling with joy. (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:00 pm) "GRACE KELLY" If I were that girl, I would bring men to their knees then leave them behind. (*big evil grin*) (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:15 pm) "ANOTHER WOMAN'S MAN" Stop gazing at me. You make her feel insecure. You're hers, after all. (Jakarta, 20/6/2011 - 7:20 pm)

JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND...
It's just another weekend. I know I sound like I've wasted time, but I really didn't do much. Just watching TV most of the time. ("NCIS", "Criminal Minds", "CSI:NY" - you name them.) I even watched "Rear Window" again. I think the original version is one of the most brilliant classics I've ever watched.:D Simple but gripping. I enjoy the plot and admire the leading lady characters (Lisa Fremont the posh beauty, the rich girlfriend of Jeff and Jeff's nurse Stella while Jeff's still got a broken leg.) And Grace Kelly played the posh, elegant beauty with the brain and courage very well. For such an old setting, it was an amazing thriller where the leading ladies didn't play the typical "damsels in distress" kind of crap. They were in on the real action too, after the three of them - with Jeff - witnessed the murder at the other building from the rear window. My brother and I escorted Mom to a wedding last night. Believe it or not, there's this social and behavioural pattern here: If you want to know whether your twenty-something plus son or daughter is still single - you usually see them at weddings, escorting (or sometimes shyly trailing behind) their parents. But then again, that's not always entirely true - mostly based on public's general assumption. Maybe they're just bored. Maybe they're in an LDR (long-distant relationship). Or perhaps they're having a fight with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Lots of probabilities.*shrugs* Anything can happen and we never know. My brother and I? Yes, we're both single. (He's currently dating around - nothing serious. Don't bother ask this romantically-challenged bachelorette, though.*big evil grin*) But, allow me to make it clear about last night: He drives the car much better than I do, and...yes, we were also looking for another free culinary adventure.*big evil grin* Hehe.:P Mom met some of her old friends from work. Some of them looked at me - I mean, my well-polished face (by make-up, of course!:P) - and squealed in amazement: "Ooh, dear. Look at you. You still have your babyish face!" (YAY!:D) Then Mom suddenly said, "Oh, but she's almost 30." (Thanks a lot, Ma.:|) Not much to do after that but eat, eat, and eat some more until it was enough for me. (Don't worry, I wasn't eating like a hog.:P) The music was fine, the band was playing a lot of soft, jazzy tracks. Typical for a grand wedding in town. Tomorrow? I'll be a dubber at work.:) A bit of acting without having to worry about what you really look like. The Author/SBF/QB

BROKE...
I can't believe this is happening again. I've been careful enough with my spending (a little too careful, perhaps), yet I'm still...broke.:| It's not fair.:( Some people out there splurge like crazy, yet they still have a lot in the end. I'm sorry to say, but it's just unfair sometimes. (Well, it's not like I really want to splurge anyway.:P) There, I've said it. Well, at least I've got another project due next week. They need my voice for their new programs, so I'm going to be a dubber again. YAY!:D Of course they'll pay me too like they have before. It won't be too grand, I know, but at least I've got the experience. Plus, I can do a little acting for a while. I miss doing that, btw.:) Besides, it feels good to "get out of the real me" for a while. Call it a "temporary escape" or "a short break from reality". I get to be somebody else for a moment and it's not that wrong here. I'm also catching up with two writing contests. These days, my main job isn't as reliable as it normally is. I need more money. The Author/SBF/QB

REALITY FOR AN INSOMNIAC
I can't resist the urge to make an entry title almost similar to one of my very few favourite chickflicks - "Dreams For An Insomniac".*giggles*:P If you haven't watched it yet, it's a story about an aspiring actress named Frankie (played by Ione Sky) who hasn't been able to sleep at all since the death of her parents. When the guy of her dreams (played by McKenzie Austin) asks her why, Frankie tells him that she doesn't want to see her parents in her dreams - knowing that she won't find them anymore the moment she wakes up. It sounds sad, I know.:| But don't worry, the movie is actually quite funny (set in the 90's where people didn't seem too crazy or life wasn't that chaotic back then:P). Jennifer Anniston played there as Frankie's best friend - long before she became famous in "Friends". And no, that's not me at all.:P I'm just saying that I've been unable to sleep lately.:( Is it the night classes? The late-night TV shows again? Perhaps I must seriously reduce my caffeine-intake, which is really hard.:P "Do you know the place between asleep and awake...where you remember all your dreams...?" Can it still be called 'daydreaming', if it happens at night? I mean, I swear to you - sometimes I can still dream with my eyes open. I'm tired but I can't sleep - and when I try lying in bed at night, my eyes stay open but I don't see the ceiling. "That's when I'll always love you..." Okay, I must switch that off and change it to another song in my head. In case you're wondering, that was Ten Sharp with "Feel My Love".:P The odd thing is, about three years ago I produced a writing based on that. It was called "When Solitude Speaks". It's somewhere on my very old entries, but I'm too lazy to dig that out. All I remember is I ended up calling it a rant, instead of a poem or a story. Human emotions are very complex. These days, I'm still too tired to deal with even my own - so I stick to what's more logical. I've gotten a rare chance to hang out with my brother again this week. (Rare? You might be wondering, since he and I still live in the same house.:P) You know, when we were teenagers, sometimes we'd just drive around the town and play some rock on the stereo. We could sing or scream, or joke about stuff that gave us PAIN.*sneers* Oh, yeah. He sometimes understand my very dark (and sometimes intolerable) sense of humour too.:P Those were the days when love didn't bother me so much. It was something I could simly dismiss and a distraction I would often fight against. Easy. Maybe I should start doing that now. I mean, what's the bloody point when - in the end - love only breaks your heart and leaves you alone? Hell, I've been alone most of the time. Why make it worse with unnecessary heartache? I actually don't mind being alone. Seriously. I am generally happy being single. I've got lots of fun things to do. I still function normally. I just hate it when people - especially close relatives - keep reminding me of what I haven't got. They act as if that's the ONLY thing in the world that can make a girl happy. What? They're still living in fairy tales or what?? You don't always have to agree with me. I could be wrong, remember? Love is a beautiful thing that sometimes has an ugly effect or more on some people. Still, being alone is a lot easier when you've never fallen in love. At all.:| The Insomniac

ONE OF THESE DAYS
So, my first week went well at work.:) And my cousin gave me another translating assignment, which I've already finished. Since my regular night classes in the weekdays, I don't think I have the time for my workout. I can't. I'm too exhausted. It's hard to sleep right away the moment I get home. It's even harder to wake up early in the morning. I get dizzy. So I can only work out on weekends. I'm going to have a karaoke time with Gigi and friends this Saturday.:) Java Rockingland is coming sooner too this year. July 22-24 I've heard.:O Gigi wants to go because they say The Cranberries are going to perform. She likes them so much. (Me? I'm generally up for the good times any rock concert can possibly offer!:D) Gigi said we must hurry for the pre-sale tickets. The further announcement will come this mid-month. We're still unsure which day The Cranberries will perform. (I hope it's either Saturday or Sunday,NOT Friday!) Then, there's also Paramore's concert on August 19. These days, the pre-sale system is definitely haunting! One of these days, I wish for more money...:P The Author/SBF/QB

HOW TO STAY SANE AND HEALTHY (IN A WORLD GONE CRAZY :P)
Not much to say about the rest of the week/short break. (Uh, what break? My night class still runs.:P) As I've mentioned earlier, Mz.D, Jules, and I visited Bear at the hospital on Monday morning. The big fellow (and I mean literally BIG!) had suffered a major back-pain a few days earlier. It had something to do do with the wrong weight-lifting and some lousy trainer's tip.:| When he couldn't get up at all from bed without wincing in agony, his family had to call an ambulance home. It took eight men to lift him up into the van. (The stretcher is too small for him.) Eight...and they also had to use his bedspread.:O I know. You might be wondering about his weight. That heavy? Yes. It was the same thing that had happened to a Biggest Loser Asia contestant on the first season. (I watched, so that's how I know.:P) Bear mentioned it to me once, but I forget the exact number. I only remember that it's three digits. For an Asian guy with average height, that's obviously way too heavy. The verdict: he needs rest...and a diet. (Something I know for sure that we both can't stand.*big evil grin*) No more sweets, junk food, soda, and lots of veggies and fruits are required. (Unfortunately, he hates vegetables!) Even Mz.D half-joked about watching out what Bear might eat when he returns to work.:P *giggles* Okay, I'm not making fun of him. In fact, I'm genuinely concerned. Not to mention that he's also a heavy smoker and never works out that much. That's why I don't want to end up like him. That's why I frequent the gym as often as possible and eat more sensibly. I mean, thank God that I never reach those scary three digits - but I'm no supermodel either. Somehow, I got myself dragged over to different malls in town by both Mz.D and Jules the whole week. Store after retail store, they convinced me to try on some clothes - something I'd rarely done back in my teenage years. Not as torturing as I'd dreaded earlier.:P Come to think of it, I do need some new stuff for my wardrobe. Smart, business suits.:) I've already got enough street-wear in my closet. "You need to stop wearing black too often," Mz.D often says. "And tomboyish outfits too." Oh, dear.:P I'm okay with compromises actually, but how far? It depends, but I still call the shots in the end. "Red is a great colour for you." Thank you...Red.:) By the way, I miss you...as strange as this sounds. Well, it's the same thing with some friends in senior high. Before the prom, they'd specifically warned - or you could say, threatened - me with this: "Show up pretty. Dress your best, or we'll have you banned from entering the ball." Well, thank God I obeyed.:D They crowned me that night. As usual, new term starts again next week. This time, I've got a new night class that finishes at 8:30 - from Monday to Friday. Busier? Yes. Tiring? Of course. Am I happy? Well, I've been asking for more important activities, right? That need to be busier. Mz.D's lending me her favourite Tom Clancy's "The Hunt for Red October". I've already watched the movie, so now it's time to compare it with the book. As I often tell myself these days, anything besides cheesy romance - I'll take it.*sneers* The Author/SBF/QB

A SHORT ESCAPE
I'll make this sort, because I must wake up early tomorrow: I went to Bandung, West Java with Mom last weekend. I spent some time with the aunts (her sisters), drove around the town, ate at the local restaurants there. I surely enjoyed the less-polluted air and wasn't sweating at all.:) Amazing. Poor Bear is hospitalized with a major backpain.:( Mz.D, Jules, and I visited him on Monday. Not much entertainment to enjoy this week, but somehow - I don't care. I like keeping myself busy.:P Until then (when I have the time), The Author/SBF/QB

OFFICIALLY NUMB...AGAIN?
Last night, I finally printed out my thirty poems in English and handed them to Mom. I don't know how she might react to them, although she's read a piece or two. If she really is serious about helping me to get them published for real, then we shall see.:) Meanwhile, I'm on to more term break projects.:) Anything to keep myself busy, that is. Still, I couldn't help but re-reading every poem I'd written since 2009. I felt like opening the same, old Pandora's box - tracing back, down the (jagged) memory lane. Don't worry, I didn't cry or anything like that. I just went dead quiet, feeling nothing more but cold. Have I somehow gone officially numb...again? I decided to push that aside. Whatever. Heartbreak sucks and love has been more like chaos in my life so far. Why would I want to risk myself for that again? I mean, why the hell should I? I've been fine on my own before. There's no reason why I can't be fine now. Recently, I've read woman's letter from a local magazine. Here's the translation: "This year, I am turning 30 and still single. All this time, my main focus has been on career only. It started when my little sister came up with her plan to get married in the near future. My parents are literally 'freaking out', because I haven't come up with the same plan as well. At last, I was introduced to a guy whom is still a distant relative. But, after a few dates, I've learned about his short-comings. He often 'openly' stares at other women while I am around. He also often compares me to other women whom he finds more attractive. I badly want to back off of this unpleasant relationship, but my family told me not to. My heart keeps saying that he is no good for me. How do I get my family to listen to me and understand my choice? Thanks." And here is the columnist's response: "Learn to say no to an unacceptable situation like this. I am sure that honesty is still the best policy. It is hard, especially knowing that your family has put such high expectations on you and this relationship with him. However, in order not to cause your family a great deal of disappointment with this rejection, you need a strategy. Give yourself a chance to go along a bit more. No need to be too blatant about this. Take it easy as you observe his entire attitude and the whole situation. That way, you will gather all the positive and negative aspects about him. Once you feel that your data is close to accuracy, then you may express your disagreement to your family. Speaking based on facts will earn you a credit. Don't rush into a final decision yet, because it may backfire you and you'll take the blame. I am sure this will be a valuable experience for you. Convince your family that it is okay for you if your little sister is getting married first." Sounds strange to you? Well, that's common here. It's all about the 'status'. Some people even told me that: "It doesn't matter if you don't really love the guy, as long as he loves you." (Which unfortunately will make the girl sound like an ungrateful bitch to them if she rejects him, because...ooh, she'll break the poor guy's heart. However, it is okay for a guy to reject a nice girl, because...hey, he is entitled to do that, remember? Right?? Right???) Or, they could tell me something like this: "It's okay if you don't really love the guy, as long as you're married." (Sure, I mean - who really gives a damn about what women want, or how they feel?) *deep sigh* I'm sorry.:( I'm just sick of it. Do I dread the same possibility? No need to ask that. And I can understand if you don't get the picture. Only those in the same shoes really do.:( I only want to deal with love again if it is really, really worth it (and don't forget, if MY HEART is really, really in it.) Otherwise, forget it.:| And I hope that lady makes the right decision - for her sake.:| After all, love can't be compelled. That's still my motto. The Romantically-Challenged Author

UNSPOKEN...
I'm not sure where to start, but I'll begin anyway. It's report card week. Everybody's busy. So am I. Still, I manage to read something else everyday. (I'm finishing Beverly Barton's "Killing Her Softly".) I even bought a colleague's first novel called "Forgiven". It'll have to wait. Mom's read some of my most recent poems - in English and also in native language - and thought they were very good. (No, I'm sure she wasn't saying all that just because I'm her daughter.:P Mom compliments her kids when they really do deserve it.) She wants me to gather them all, so that she could ask her poet friend Aunt Dani to help me with the publishing. Aunt Dani has had her first anthology published some years ago. (And yes, Mom and I attended the launching.:D) "You're a realist," Mom told me. "Even if the topic is really, really sad - you try not to make it too sappy." Maybe it's because you've finally seen this side of me, Ma.:) Most of my friends around who read my works just don't get it. They think I'm not being positive about life, when all I write is about reality. The reality I see, that is. Well, we can't expect the whole world to always understand us, that is.*shrugs* "You've always been like that since you were a child," she went on quietly, almost nostalgic. "You can never really lie, because you're always the most expressive - even when you're quiet, thinking that nobody notices you and how you feel that much." Oh, God...:( "You used to draw a lot, although you still express your feelings through writing." I'm so sorry, Mommy...:'-( "Is that normal, Ma?" She looked at me as if I'd just asked her if cats should've been born with wings. "Not only normal, that's also healthy," she assured me. "A lot of other people choose to get angry and hurt other people...or themselves. They do unhealthy stuff." But I hurt my best friend with that too, Mommy, I'd wanted to tell her that. Was that still healthy?:( I didn't mean to, but I had. Although we're pretty much okay now, that still haunts me sometimes. "Heartbreak sucks, Ma," I simply told her. "I hate it." And I never want to have to deal with it anymore.:( Enough is enough. No more, God. No more, please. "But you've dealt with it well." Really? Was she glad that I've never been the type like my sister, who has always come to her crying for days and skipping work? Some people can say that's because I'm tougher that her, but repressed emotions also have side-effects. It can be dangerous too. And I don't feel like changing that habit now. I don't know why. Maybe I'm no longer a ten-year-old who can cry to her mother about some naughty boy in school who makes fun of her. Or an antsy teen who wonders why that guy chooses that popular, pretty but mean girl instead of her. I've never been any of that. I've been too...different. And I'm almost 30 now, for God's sake. I just can't do that. "Do you know why I wrote those, Ma?" "I think I do. I always have, although you've never told me." "Heartbreak sucks," I repeated, before quietly adding, and I can't cry openly about it as much as I should. "Heartbreak sucks and I'm sick of it. I want my writings to represent the broken hearts." And I don't care if people find that...sappy. People deal with things differently. This is what I do. This is my way. The Author/SBF/QB

OVERFLOWED...
If thoughts, feelings, and ideas were like blood, I'd probably be hemorrhaging now.:P Sorry. Bad analogy. I can't say much about me today. I'm distracted by a lot of things lately that I need a good workout to keep me focused and help me to relax. Report cards are due next week, and so is the poetry contest. (And I still haven't come up with anything yet.:|) A lot of other things have been bugging my mind too, but I can't talk about it now. Maybe later, when the first things first priorities are done. Or maybe, those annoying things will go away again, like a temporary storm... The Author/SBF/QB

THE REAL ME???:P
Recently, I've done a psych evaluation quiz from SPICE!'s last month issue.:P I know I shouldn't take it seriously (which I don't). This is just for fun. According to a psychologist named Judi James, there are about twenty versions/characters in a woman! (Oh, wow.:O) The different characters apply to each role of a woman as a friend, a daughter, a student, a girlfriend, a sister, and many more. After having filled the questionnaire, here's my result: Between 7-10 characters: You can manage all your personalities and aren't hesitate to let them out one by one - one at a time. Each comes out by your decision. You're not that impulsive. You're not the kind of girl who can easily adopt a new character to enrich the real you. One thing is for sure: you can be so serious and also fun at the same time. How to manage 'them': You're typically a confident enough girl and are able to 'devour' anything that comes into your life. Despite having fewer 'characters', there are times when you still feel like 'the real you' haven't been in a total control of yourself. You tend to get yourself in trouble but are still able to control your feelings. The stressors: A girl of logics like you are can't easily be influenced into believing in things that don't make sense. That's why you have a hard time trusting other people and prefer searching for answers by doing your favourite things (like watching TV, reading, observing other people's lives, etc.) Not all sensible answers require a solid data. Learn how to be braver in taking risks. Remember this! Learn how to create goals and also how to accomplish them. *big evil grin* Well, perhaps some of them are true. (Especially the part about how I don't change easily and my silly tendency to get myself in 'unnecessary trouble.'*sneers*) Dad would laugh if he heard someone portray me as "a girl of logics". (If only he could.:|) And yes, I'm afraid I still have serious trust issues with other people and a tendency to observe other people's lives...to much sometimes. About creating goals? I do that everyday, especially career-wise.:D I can't say it's good or bad news. It's just...human, I guess.*shrugs* Because if my result were (only) between 2-6 characters, I'd be a hard-headed bull with zero compromise. But if the result were 11-20 characters, I'd be a people's pleaser.:O Yikes! The Author/SBF/QB

GUESS THE TOPIC
“GUESS THE TOPIC” (By. RUBY ASTARI) Running out of ideas for your TE (Talking English) class can be annoying. If the topic you present does not hold their interests (whether it is too difficult or less challenging), you might want to try this simple game: 1. Create a set of cards with different topics written on each. You may set up a specific theme (like “Valentine’s Day” or “Halloween”, for example) or go totally random (where each topic is not really related to one another.) Either way, unpredictability is the most exciting element of this game. 2. This game can be played in groups or individually. Each student still needs to create a story from the card and speak in front of the class for five to seven minutes after that. 3. Let the students pick one card each. Tell them not to read the card out loud or show it to their friends – or it will spoil the surprise and ruin the fun. 4. Give the students about ten minutes to prepare for their short stories. (It can be fact, related to their personal experiences, or plain fiction.) Tell them not to use any key words on the cards that might blow their covers. (For example, if their card says: “My Worst Enemy in School”, they must try not to use the specific key words in the card.) They have to sit quite apart from each other and work quietly. Supply a dictionary or two for extra help. 5. If the students want to ask questions, ask one by one to come forward to your desk. They have to take turns. To avoid spilling the beans, they can either whisper in your ear or write the questions on a piece of paper to show to you. You can answer them by writing back on a piece of paper. 6. If necessary, give students five minutes to memorize their stories before presenting. 7. When they tell their stories, they can use simple words – present or past tenses – according to the relevant time frame and context. (Usually, it is easier for students to create stories based on their personal experiences.) For example, if the topic in the card is “My Worst Enemy in School”, the story can probably go like this: “I hate this boy very much. I can’t stand him. He always disturbs everybody, even when the teacher is around. All teachers can’t stand him too. They always send him to the principal’s office, but this boy never changes. He loves making fun of me too, even when I get angry at him…” 8. After that, let the audience guess what the topic might be about. Some may say: “Bad Boy!” or “My Enemy!” The one with at least the closest guess to the original topic is the winner. This game is time consuming, but it can help the students practise their speaking and develop their conversational skills.

I finally took my family (well, most of them) to try the green noodles at the same place - "Munchies" - last Friday before work. Mom, my brother, my sister, and her two little boys (Ganesh and his baby brother Gyan.:D) I felt a bit sad and guilty about not taking Dad too, but he was still asleep that day. (I find that as a stroke patient, he sleeps a lot during the day. That's normal, isn't that?) Actually, only Mom and I ordered the green noodles. ("Delicious," she told me afterwards.) My siblings ordered fries, but they tasted the green noodles from Mom and agreed that it was delicious. Not much to tell at work. My five o'clock class was empty, so I spent my extra leisure time finishing other stuff I had to finish. Grading other students' works. After class, Mz.D and I went to Bintaro Plaza. We had dinner at Kari Umbi before going our separate ways. It turns out that my damn flu has turned into a sore throat. How bloody annoying.:( Looks like my fight against the illness isn't over yet. Great.*rolls eyes* I celebrated May Day by starting my first workout...after a very long time.:) Not bad. The Author/SBF/QB

WAITING FOR THE NEXT PAY-DAY :P
Ha-ha, am I too obvious or what?*big evil grin* Ah, never mind.:P It's already close anyway. Well, a couple of things or so occured last long weekend. I met my cousin Panji at the engagement party last Saturday night. He's a university student and also a bass player of a local indie R&B band on the rise. Menti (his mother, my aunt of course) told me that they were finishing their very first major label studio album.:D Alright! Panji offered that if I had any poem suitable for a song lyric, I could give them that. If it's good enough, then the royalty can be arranged.:) I mean, why not? "It's even better if it's in English," he added with a grin, showing his braces. "Even if it's about love and heartbreak, we don't want to get out music trapped in sappy cliches." Sounds like a challenge.*sneers* I also met my sister's old friend Kenny. He used to be this gorgeous high school kid having a crush on my sister (who was a junior at that time.) He's now an enterpreneur.:) Well, sort of. A typical yuppy, and also the type that most girls might go after.:P Well, I'm not most girls. I mean, I like Kenny too, but that's just as far as it goes. I've always imagined him more as a big brother. I know that my sister also used to have a crush on him too, but...there are 'religious obstacles'. (To my family, it is important.) So they decided to be just friends. I told Kenny about one of my crazy plans. You see, I've been thinking about compiling a collection of writings (articles, tips, true stories, quotes) about...the dark side of love. I've even already come up with a title: "ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED" (a huge dedication to the broken hearts, love-cynics, and acute skeptics in the world of romance out there) Hehe.*big evil grin* To my surprise, Kenny thought it was a good idea. In fact, he even concluded that it was a unique one.:D "Too many authors have already written about love and its typical happy-endings," he said. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just...we need something else to even that out." "Yeah." I nodded. "Not many people want to admit that they're on that stage. People just have no idea how hard it is that some keep going through the same shit overtime." "These days, people who go through that need more support - something they can relate to. Someone who can understand their situation." Bingo! "Ken, do you know what I usually do when my heart gets broken?" "What's that, kiddo?" "I keep myself as busy as possible," I told him. I gazed up at the tall guy. "I teach more classes, do more translation works, and write more often. Basically, I try to earn more money." Unfortunately, some people call that 'running away from reality'.:| Seriously, they have no idea that I get sick of the same old pain. A lot. "Really?" Kenny looked genuinely amazed. "Wow, you're so much better than me, kid. I get myself drunk. I think you're on the right track already." Really? Am I??:D Well, I guess that's why I still write the way I write. Some friends think that my style is boring. They say I write depressive stuff too much, too often. Most of them imply that I'm more often sad than happy.*sneers* I could say that most of my writings represent these kind of people. The heart-broken ones. Those who have lost (and have to lose, one way or another) the ones they love. Those who have to see the ones they love choose someone else - over and over again. Those who have always lost their battles in the world of romance. The overlooked. The under-appreciated. The jilted ones. The (labeled) weirdos/freaks. Not every soul is always strong enough to deal with this whole shit, and - the same old crappy news is - society's not always that understanding. Who's going to stand up for them? Who's going to speak on their behalf - telling the whole world that these people aren't losers - they're the warriors who can stand most of the emotional battle scars love has inflicted upon them? I bet they've never asked for any of this. Neither have I. "If you're more productive when you're heartbroken, then you need to experience that more often," Kenny joked. "Make more money out of it." I giggled. "Maybe, but it has side-effects too," I reminded him. "My heavy skepticism. If a guy starts saying sweet things to me, I wonder if it's for real or just my silly imagination." Those guys are really going to have to try their best to convince me. Sorry, I don't settle for less in this case. My standard's still the same.*big evil grin* I checked the gym I used to frequent a lot. I think I need to go back there again and start a more regular workout next month. I've gotten sick all too easily these days. (Now it's the damn flu again.:|) May's coming soon and it's still raining. Strange weather. That's a bad sign. I haven't been taking care of myself that well lately. I must change that. I was just at the bank to have my new ATM card printed. My old one got swallowed last night.:( Grrh! Must go to work despite the flu...:( The Author/SBF/QB

THE NOT-SO-PRODUCTIVE LONG WEEKEND
It's almost May and I still haven't come up with a decent idea for the poetry contest.:( The deadline is May 20 and the topic is still "Mythology In The Present Context". I'm really after that trip to Bali to attend the international writers' festival. I need a break. I need an interesting diversion, because I'm chronically bored.:P There's also another annual teen short story competition I'm planning to enter this soon. I've never won any of that before, but I don't care. I'm going to keep on trying until I get more of my works published. That's me. Take it or leave it.*big evil grin* Well, it's kind of hard to finish them all this long weekend. I was exhausted on Friday that I slept most of the day. (So lazy that I could've stolen my friend Bear's 'Sloth-Award'.*giggles*) On Saturday night, I attended my cousin Shari's engagement party. And I've just gathered with my whole big family and friends to see Baby Gyan getting his first haircut. It's a religious and cultural thing. That's okay.:) I still have time. Btw, I'm afraid I'll have to ditch another freak/stalker potential off my life. Why? I can't believe that we've only exchanged e-mails twice - and he was already flirting with me, calling me 'pretty' and 'precious' and saying he couldn't stop thinking of me.*scoffs* Ugh. As if I were some gullible schoolgirl who still believes in the fairytale version of a 'prince charming'.*rolls eyes* Ha-ha. For the record, I never give my phone number to a guy who can't even remember my name. He thinks I'll just fall all head over heels with 'I miss you, baby' and all that crap. That doesn't sound like 'terms of endearment' to me. That sounds like he doesn't even bother remember my name. No way. Not this time. Bye bye.:P If you're curious, I've often blocked weirdos out of my life - two were Gigi's exes. One harrassed me online and the other knows where my family and I live - and I once feared for my family's safety, because he hated my guts and he's part of a very nasty gang in the city. Have I been blocked too? Yes. If it is by friends I know I have badly hurt in the past, I usually just ask them to forgive me and try my best to leave them in peace. (See? I know I'm not perfect, but I'm always willing to be responsible for my awful deeds.) I don't dare ask them to give me another chance. I just let them be. I can live with that (and have to.)*shrugs* But if I were never told why? Well, I've got one. Mz.D said she blocked her too. It was as if once she had resigned, she couldn't get away from people who once thought of her as a friend to them. That's life. Some things are just out of our hands.*shrugs* About Aldi-guy? (Or should I call him 'Big Aldi', since he's obviously much bigger and taller than my brother?:P) I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see. The unusual adventure of a quirky bachelorette continues...:D The Author/SBF/QB

AS THE WORLD TURNS...
First of all, have fun for all of you who are celebrating 'Good Friday'. I'm not, but I still thank God for the public holiday. I need the long weekend for more sleep.:P We attended two internal trainings this week - on Tuesday and Thursday morning at ten. That Tuesday morning, I caught a sight of him in the room. Believe it or not, he's a teacher too - only from a different branch school. Somehow, I automatically chose an empty seat right next to him - even though I'd arrived with my friends. Luckily, he didn't seem to mind. He was friendly too. He was the first to extend his right hand to me and introduced himself. I shook his big, strong hand and smiled at him. "Aldi." I raised my eyebrow at him as I told him my name. Then I grinned and said, "Like my brother's name." He chuckled and replied, "Yeah, that happens to anyone with a commonly-used name." He was also funny. We joked around about some stuff. It turned out that he'd studied law in the same university I'd enrolled in 2000. (I took broadcasting journalism.) He's five years younger than me. (Yikes, but wait - that's never been a problem to me.:P) He hates horror stories because his first (and only, he hoped) encounter with 'the other side' as a child still freaks him out.:P However, that didn't stop me from teasing him...quite a lot about it.*big evil grin* I know I'm mean. I don't know why I just loved the way he cringed and begged me to stop. "You seem to like horror stories a lot," he concluded. I grinned at him again. To my surprise, I didn't even care if I'd scared him off in the end. (Thankfully, that seemed unlikely.) I just wanted to be me. I just wanted to have fun. And he didn't seem to mind that much either, because he mostly laughed with me. "Yes, I do," I cheerfully admitted. "Better than romantic flicks." "I don't mind them." "I'm okay with them, in general sense." Well, sort of. I know I sounded like Bella Swan, but I just shrugged. "I just prefer horror films more." He laughed again, shaking his head in disbelief. "Besides, heartbreak is a lot scarier." Ha-ha, I enjoyed his expression. I bet guys like him don't get to hear that everyday, or meet a girl who implies that heartbreak is the scariest ghost for her. But then, I changed the subject when I looked down at our feet and blurted out, "You make me feel like a hobbit." He looked down at his feet too and laughed again. With a single stomp, his feet could crush mine. "I know. It's hard to find my size at the regular shoe-stores, so I often order them." "Just like my sister's ex," I remembered. "He's about two-metre tall too." "Actually, I've almost reached that height," he said. I looked at him and nodded in agreement. I don't know why. You can call me crazy, but I kind of liked this guy, right off. There was something slightly familiar about him. His big, towering exterior? His dark hair and thick, dark eyebrows? (Oooh!:D) Or, maybe it was the smile and his sense of humour. Or the way his beautiful brown eyes glinted behind his specs. When he first learned that I was five years older than him, he frowned a little and said, "Trust me, you don't look that old." "Oh, thank you." Yes, I blushed at that.*blushes*:P "I look older." "Must be the beard," I teased him the way I normally tease my brother when someone thinks he's older than me. "Nah, it is my face." He chuckled as he adjusted his specs above his nose. His nose was big and slightly pointed - quite distinguished. Perfect for his face.:) "Even my students think so." Awwwww.:) Do you know what? I'd suddenly wanted to tell him. You remind me of someone I know, and it's not my brother. :(... Stop it, I ordered myself silently. Don't even think of him that way again. You've sworn to yourself many times before, remember? Try not to break any of that this time! Still, this Aldi guy was quite an interesting fellow. Somehow, I doubted that someone this attractive was still single.*gulps* I hate to disappoint you, dear readers, but we didn't exchange numbers in the end.*big evil grin* Well, what can I say? I'm not good at this stuff, okay? All I knew was, the moment the session was over, I had landed back on reality and wanted to curse myself. "I'll see you when I see you," to my surprise, we both said that at the same time. I guess that surprised him too, because we laughed after that. "You are so reading my mind," I told him with a giggle. He just grinned and waved his hand. Finally, we parted ways. My friends and I had lunch at "Munchies" in Cikajang. It's Putu's family business. We tried their super delicious green noodles. (Yes, GREEN noodles!:D) And I'm thinking about taking Mom there to try that too. She definitely should. I had half-expected to see Aldi again on Thursday morning for a workshop at ten, but he wasn't there. Oh, well.*shrugs* My sister's birthday was on April 19, and Ganesh's was on 20. Yes, the boy is two years old now.:D Good news: my friends Viona and John are finally getting married.:D I'm glad that she's finally made the right decision. She's so lucky to have someone like John. I've told her quite a few times before that not all girls are that lucky. John sort of reminds me of Tiger, and I want both of them to be happy. Somebody wants to get to know me. I wonder why he's interested in me. It's completely out of the blue. What if he turns out to be just another additional crack in my heart in the end, or a freak, or a stalker? No problem. If people can block me out of their lives, I can do that too. In fact, I've done that before.*sneers* But still, I hope not. Even if we might only end up as just friends, at least I still do my best not to get myself hurt too much this time. I'm done with the same old episode. I'm sick to death of the same result. The Author/SBF/QB

"IF I DON'T TELL YOU NOW..."
"If I don't tell you now, I may never get the chance again..." A few days after 59th birthday, Mom told me about this: It was two years ago, a few months before her 57th birthday. Out of the blue, Dad suddenly wished her a happy birthday. That had felt strange to Mom, knowing that it was actually still October 10. "My birthday is on April 4," she reminded him. "Oh." He'd looked confused. "Not...October 10?" 10/4.4/10. Get it? By the time her actual birthday came, he didn't wish her. He couldn't. The stroke had hit him first in March. He hasn't been able to speak ever since. Somehow, Mom had a feeling that he might have had an early hunch that his time were up anytime soon. What would you do if you had that strong feeling too? That your time might be running up while you felt like you still had a lot to say to the people you love the most? What if you never got that chance again, alive or...else? I know it's a scary thought. We know we can't deny the fact that the clock is ticking. What are we doing here? What haven't we done yet? Some people may think that some things are better left unsaid. The whole world is already too noisy. Sometimes it's hard to just say what you badly mean to. It's not just about Dad wishing Mom a happy birthday before he lost his voice. Sometimes, you're just unsure about a lot of things. Like, you're bad with words - even when you're a writer. (My irony.) You either write better than talk or the other way around. You've already got all the good, proper lines formed in your head - yet they still come out wrong in the end. You end up hurting people when you know you didn't want to. Or no words ever come out. That happens too. Emotions do that to even the best speakers in the world, I believe. Still, you're lucky if you've never encountered with that problem. God blesses you with that.:) You're lucky if you're always confident in whatever you say, and that people take you seriously. Sometimes you're scared of their reaction, because - no matter how long you've known each other and how nice that person really is - you still never know. Even the nicest ones can lose patience and say, "No, I don't want to hear any of that." That shuts you up instantly. People can say being overly sensitive is never good, but when does 'too much' actually mean too much? When is the right time to be heard? Is it too much to ask, or some people will never be understood and left completely in silence? I've kept quiet too long, too often. Yet I have also talked too much, but still feel like I haven't said enough. Have I ever done anything right? I don't know. It's like, the older you get, the more clueless you become. You don't always find the answer, no matter how hard you try. There are many things I want to let them know. Like, I'm sorry if I've always let you down. I'm sorry that I've forgotten how to make you smile more often, or even lost the ability to it. I never meant to hurt you, I was just angry and lost my way. I may have gotten angry and disappointed in the past and never let you know. People can either forgive me and give second chances in a trust - or treat me as if I'm already dead to them for the rest of their lives. People can either love me or hate me. It's out of my hands. But once they do mean a lot to me, most of them always will. That's just how it is. What about love? I normally don't tell people I love them, unless when they feel down or it's my annoying fear that I might lose them anytime soon. But, after what has happened, I think it's best that I kept quiet from now on - no matter how painful it might be. Why? To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I don't know if I ever want to risk my heart again. I don't want to be thought of as 'weird', just because I'm being me. I know I sound like a sad quitter, but I don't think I can deal with any of that now. You can call me a coward and I don't care. I'm afraid that if I tell someone that I love him, all he ever says is: "I know" and then he leaves. That's it. No, I don't think so. Maybe love's not always for everybody. That's just life, isn't that? So far, I am still alone and okay with it. So what? The Author/SBF/QB

FALLING BEHIND...:(
I keep falling behind work.:( A lot. That's very annoying. I know I should take care of myself better next time. Last Thursday, I woke up at three in the morning. Ganesh was sick and had been crying for hours. When he was finally put back to sleep, I couldn't go back to sleep myself. Neither could Mom and my brother. We ended up eating noodles at a 24/7 open vendor in the neighbourhood.:P Then I stayed awake until dawn, finishing the translation work. I e-mailed it at nine in the morning before going to work. As usual, teaching until nine pm. After that, I got another call about another translation job. Thinking I could still make it before Friday prayer, I accepted the assignment. By the end of Friday, my body had already felt weird. Stiff and wretched. The headache and the back-pain.:( Last weekend was quite disastrous for me. I'd been feeling sick in my stomach the entire weekend and could hardly do anything else but sleep and drink and cringe. I was also almost dehydrated. It was quite a surprise that I could still manage to keep my cool during Mom's birthday celebration at Oenpao's on Sunday. I thought about that super spicy noodles I'd had on Wednesday with Mz.D and my exhaustion recently. Food poison or stomach flu? Both?? When I couldn't take it anymore, I went to a nearby clinic in the neighbourhood on Monday morning and had to skip work after that.:( I returned home with zinc tablets and a very strong suggestion that I should start a food detox myself. No spicy foods. (That is for sure.) No caffeine. (Uh, okay...I can take that for a while.) No chocolate. (WHAT?!) Oh, well.:( Just to be on the safe side. I was back to work yesterday, and now I must show up early tomorrow morning at ten for another internal training. The Author/SBF/QB

WHERE DO I BEGIN?
This is what normally happens when I get too busy to write in here. By the time I get back, I often hesitate with that question in my head: Where do I begin?:P Oh, heck. I'll just dive in as always. Not much to say about last week, except what had been going on last weekend. Work, work, work. I'd finally learned that the magazine only pays for short stories - not poetry, after one phone call I'd made on Monday. No problem. They'd sent me a cool merchandise, though. A nice green tee, but it's so tight that people can see...umm, the annoying extra fat I'm still battling against. (Grrh!:x) Then, there was the painless trip to the tax office on Thursday. Why painless? It didn't take that long. Plus, the tax official wasn't too nosy like the one last year - asking about whether I had any 'valuable' properties under my name. (With a teacher's salary?:P Ha-ha!) Saturday was the greatest, though.:D The whole school teachers, staffs, and I went out of town to hang out at Taman Bunga Nusantara (Nusantara's Giant Flower Garden) at the hillside of Bogor. I've visited some parts of the hillside as a kid. The air wasn't as badly-polluted as it always is in Jakarta. It was a sunny day with less heat. We had a picnic and played games. I tried the go-kart twice and felt good about letting off some steam by speeding on it. I tried the ATV too and had almost fallen off.*blushes* Gigi was much better at it, of course, since she rides a motorcycle everyday. We even went into The Maze. To be on the safe side, we formed into groups of five before we entered. Each had the same map we bought from the tour guide. The funny thing was, we still got lost even with the maps!:D LOL!! That was hilarious. Eventually, we found the other groups at the central point of the maze after ten minutes of half-blind search. Right there, there was a group of small green bushes purposely-shaped into the words "I LUV U". Just for kicks, Mz.D made me stand next to it and have my picture taken.*cringes* I'm a love cynic, remember?*sneers* When we finally exited the maze, it was already the edge of the noon. We admired more plants (some of them remind me of those in "Edward Scissorshand". It's where Johnny Depp (Edward) creates dinosaurs and ducks from plants.) We took pictures too, but most of us were already very, very tired. Poor Bear. He's a lovely chub, but when it comes to continuous long walks - he's just so out of shape. With his undying love for junk foods and cigarettes, who would be surprised? No wonder he crashed fast and hard by the time we were on the bus on our way back to Jakarta. By the time I got home, I was already too exhausted that I fell asleep instantly. When I woke up on Sunday morning, my whole body felt as if I'd gathered a week of grueling workouts into one solid day. (Aargh!) It took more than ten minutes for me to have finally dragged myselfout of bed. Seriously. When my brother and Mom said they were going to Gandaria City (another shopping mall nearby), I forced myself to ignore the pain. A trip to the mall usually means shopping and eating out, and I was right. After shopping, the three of us had lunch at my brother's favourite choice - a sushi restaurant named "Takigawa". Super yummy! That night, we went to my cousin Shari's engagement meeting plan at her house a block away. (My dentist cousin is getting married to a GP named Yadi.) I couldn't take it anymore when I'd noticed - once again - how most men in my family smoked incessantly that night. (Uncles and cousins.) They didn't even care when my sister walked in with Ganesh and Baby Gyan. (Sadly, even the boys' dad often smokes near them too.*rolls eyes*) Seriously, how could grown-ups be so bloody selfish?! "I'm sick of seeing men smoke all the time," I blurted out to Shari when we were out of their earshot. "I don't want to end up with one for the rest of my life." "Amen to that, Bee. Thank God my Yadi doesn't smoke." "Awesome." Because he's a rarity. Don't buy it? Come to Jakarta and see what I mean.:| The Author/SBF/QB

THE ORDINARY DAYS
Last weekend on Saturday, we hung out at Aunt Ria's place. They were all equally-awed by cute Baby Gyan, which made his older brother Ganesh feel jealous. The little boy ended up getting cranky all day long, demanding everyone's attention too. And I had to carry Ganesh up the stairs to the second floor and back, only because he wanted to see what was there. Twice. He refused to walk, and he's about 12 kilograms (26.4 lbs?) Plus, it was a very hot afternoon. In the end, I was drenched in my own sweat. I also silently wished I'd lost a few pounds from that sudden work-out. Hehe.:P I escorted Mom to my brother's ex-girlfriend Dida's wedding at the evening. (Dida's a dentist, and they'd been dating for quite some time, long before he met Dindi.) My brother was very sweet. (I mean, he definitely is much sweeter than I am - so it would be odd if anyone thought I'm too kind.:| The truth is...well, I'd rather not go there again.) I mean, my brother even helped with her wedding prep. Isn't that sweet?:) Then I had another silly argument with Mom. It started when I noticed that some couples did different things at the wedding. There were women who grabbed the drinks for their men. (Mostly husbands and wives, I presumed.) There were also men who did that for their ladies. I told Mom about this. "It's all about the cultures," she simply concluded. "In the west, I think most men do that because that's part of being the gentlemen. Here, people still perceive women's role as servants to their men - especially the Javanese." Ugh, not another Javanese, patriarchic cultural arrogance, please.*scoffs* "Well, if I ever did that to a guy, Ma, it would be out of kindness," I told her. "I'd be doing it because I really care about him, not because I have to - or I see myself as his servant." "That's okay too, but we live in the society where other people's opinions matter," she reminded me sternly. I caught an unpleasant flicker in her eyes. "Most elders here still think it's inappropriate for men to-" "Ma, this is not the only part of the world." "I know." She glared at me impatiently. I could tell that - once again - she was also disappointed. "Still, it's up to you if you choose to be the minority and can take people 'talking' about you." Honestly, I kind of regret that argument, because I knew she'd say that. (I guess that's why they call it 'generation gap'.:P) However, I still stick to what I believe in. I mean, take a look at other stuff related to this. For example, I once witnessed a husband who didn't give a damn that his wife had been awfully busy at that time. (Feeding their crying little boy and preparing for the family gathering dinner at that time. Oh, for the record, she works outside their house too!) He sat around doing nothing, yet he was impatiently ordering his wife: "Where's my tea?!" in such a demanding tone that made me feel like throwing a shoe at his smug face. (Don't worry, I didn't.*sneers*) I mean, what the hell, dude? Can't you see she's busy? Can't you see that just because she's your wife doesn't mean she'll drop your kid somewhere only to fix you some tea so that you'd stop nagging? Why don't you make that yourself, at least once in a while? Is it too bloody difficult for you, or you just need 24/7 royal treatments ONLY to make you feel like a real man?*sneers* In the end, I just stared at Mom's drinking glass in her hand. Then I simply grabbed another for myself from a nearby table. There was no one I could give that too and no one to get that for me. No problem. I can always deal with that. How was my first week back to work? Busy and quite exhausting as usual. But that's okay, because I need to stay busy. One of Jules' dogs died from some nasty virus.:( I feel sorry for her and her kids. She told me that on Tuesday and then we started talking about how hard it was to accept painful things happening to us. I know.:( That's why there's a thin, fine line between accepting and liking. There's usually an acceptance when we like something/someone, but that doesn't always work that way with acceptance. Accepting things doesn't mean that you actually like it. You can try or learn to, but sometimes it gets overrated - as if it's as quick and easy as flipping a quarter. On Wednesday, I got to help my cousin Rizki (Aunt Ria's eldest son who copywrites in an ad company) with the press release's translation. Hurrah for Google Translation! (Although of course I still had to do a major revision after that, because I do pay attention to contexts. Google only translates word per word.) I worked from ten in the morning until nine in the evening at Thursday. Very exhausting. My pal/big brother Al worries about me. He said that although I was generally confident and brave, I'm a bit too skeptic about...uh, love.:| I don't deny that. However, I am now too numb to do anything about that. No, I'm not angry with him or anything. I know he means well. Just like some gentlemen friends I've gotten to know during my adulthood, I know that he actually cares. I don't even care if he thinks I'm being super silly about this, because - the truth is - I just am.*shrugs* I can't help it for now. These days, I've chosen not to give too much of a thought about this. But hypothetically, if there really is someone for me out there who does stick around for me because the love is just there, do you know what I'm going to tell him? 'I love you'? Nah, too cliche. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can say that with a straight, serious face - or without a stutter. No. I think I might tell him this: "You are my miracle. Want to know why? Long ago, before we've met - I have already given up on even the thought of love and walked away. I have sworn to myself that only God could change that, and if that's why He sent you - then I'm still lucky." Will that day ever come? Want to bet? Nah, I'm too broke for that.*giggles and big evil grin* Besides, it's forbidden by my religion - and basically, life itself is already a gamble. Believe it or not, I've decided to start facing my own demons again. I have just finished reading Julia Quinn's "Splendid". It was...okay, I guess.*shrugs* At least the leading lady wasn't acting like a damsel in distress through the whole book, always waiting to be saved by her prince charming...*sneers* Another good news: I've just spotted my poem being published by my favourite local teenlit magazine "The Story".:D Looks like I can still make money from pain.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

PICKING UP SPEED...
I'm feeling much better now. No more stupid fever. Thank God. It's about damn time that I picked up speed again. Finish some important stuff. A lot of time has been wasted while I was sick. My short holiday is over. New term starts next Monday. That's okay, since I'm a workaholic. After all, that's exactly what I need for now. Work. The Author/SBF/QB

SICK OF BEING...SICK!:(
I'm sick of being sick. Since The Red Cross guy told me that my hemoglobin was low (you could go back a few entries from here), the fever has been on and off for days. I've tried like, three different meds. (I even drink honey-flavoured warm water everyday now.) My sore throat could only take soft noodles for days (but my stomach now started resenting it.) I know I should rest more, but I can only do that at weekends. Here's the thing about part-time workers: Skip a day, lose a dime. (Plus, I've spent quite a lot on my own meds.) There are two other things that disturb me about being sick this often lately: 1.It's a serious delay for my productivity. (I'm a workaholic,remember?) I am so behind the target for all my writing projects! It's hard to concentrate with this ongoing headache. (Unfortunately, this feels like the unusual kind no aspirins can get rid of that quickly!) 2.I had to miss Stone Temple Pilots' performance when they showed up in my town last March 13, because I feel like singing this out loud: "I AM, I AM, I SAID, I'M NOT MYSELF! I'M NOT DEAD AND I'M NOT FOR SALE!!" 3.I can sleep the whole day off, miss a lot, and get myself trapped again in my own twisted dreams... This time it was different. I felt myself watching through the looking glass. I saw two people standing face-to-face behind the glass. A man and a woman. The woman was familiar. Hey! I blinked. That was me. But she - I mean, I - looked different. All clad in sexy black leather and spiky stiletto boots (something I'll never do in humid Jakarta!) My - her - long, curly dark hair was loose. Her face was well-polished with make-up. She looked unusually stunning that she surprised me. Beautiful, like some mythical urban goddess out of some strange tale. However, there was something sinister about her that gave me the creeps. Her - my - eyes were darker than dark. She was smiling at the guy. I touched the glass in front of me. Cold. Thick. I shuddered. I didn't get a good look at the guy, even at a very close range. His profile rapidly changed in blurs. I could see he was smiling at me - her - though. He had that expression of a man in love. "I love you," he told her. I could detect the truth in his voice that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Is it for real? "I love you too," she and I both replied. But we sounded different. She sounded hollow. Mechanical and...cold. Eerie seconds passed. Then she started laughing hard...at him. Her eyes showed nothing more but...merciless evil. What the hell is she doing? I pushed, and then realized in horror. Why am I trapped in the mirror? "What?" The guy was shocked. Her high-pitched laughter pierced my ears. "Can't you tell?" She sneered, clearly enjoying the sight of him hyperventilating with pain in front of her now. "I just said those words only because I know that's what you want to hear." "Y-you mean..." "Oh, come on." She scoffed impatiently. By that time, I was already pounding at the unbreakable glass. "It's not like a lot of people don't do that these days. Saying 'I love you' and then taking it back, as if they'd never done. As if those words meant nothing!" "Don't listen to her!" I tried warning the poor guy, but it was too late. He looked powerless, as if she'd put a permanent hex on him through her words, her steely voice. The invisible poison. But that bitch noticed me. That bitch - who used my body to hurt the guy - walked gracefully and stood facing me with her wicked smile. Her eyes glared at me with disgust. "What are you doing?!" I screamed at her. She laughed again. "Something you can never do without remorse afterwards," she said coldly. She was raising her fist. "No wonder you're so weak. So bloody pathetic!" "NO!" I backed away, raising my arms with my eyes shut. But I didn't hear the glass shatter. Nothing. When I opened my eyes again, I was back in my room. Lying in bed, hands up in the air. I sat up, realizing that I'd been shivering in cold sweats. I pulled my blanket around me. Then I stared at the mirror. She was gone. Thank God. There was only...me, pale from both fever and fear. It was just a dream, I know. I'm sure most people will tell me not to take it so seriously and it was probably from the fever. But once you learn that all people are capable of serious evil, you can't just shake that off. I still glared hard at my reflection - silently commanding: You are not her. You will never be her. No matter how hard it is, no matter how bloody cruel and painful love often is. You will never let that happen, because you owe it to no one but yourself. Promise! God, help me please. I'm scared. There's still time for a short rest before my night class at seven. When I'm completely well and back on my feet again, I'll make sure none of this shit stays - for the sake of my own sanity. The Author/SBF/QB

THE GIRL WITH A (DARK) SENSE OF HUMOUR :P
I meant to get back at you sooner. (That, if you're still reading.:P) I've been busy with the students' report cards. I also haven't finished all my writing projects yet. After what feels like quite a long time, I've finally received a chance to teach night classes again - starting next week.:D Alhamdulillah. God has answered my prayers again. I've wanted to stay busy, remember? Staying still and doing nothing can drive me crazy! I've been having another weird dream for the past few days. I was facing a computer screen - typing vigorously. I could see all the familiar websites I normally frequent. However, nothing came up from what I was typing. I mean, I could log on to the sites and type the e-mail addresses I wanted to send something to. The problem was when I wanted to type my message. Nothing came up on screen. No words, no letters. Nothing. The same thing happened when I tried to start a blog entry. Nothing. No matter how hard I typed, the result was still the same. I stared at one e-mail address I'm familiar with in the real life. Something invisible, sharp and cold rushed past my heart. My vision blurred. Warm tears started in my eyes... Wait. I was crying??:O The dream always ended there. I woke up, still feeling the cold. Why was I always crying in the dream? Was it because I couldn't type what I wanted? (What did I want to type, anyway?) Was it because I badly wanted to send a message? Pretty creepy, to my surprise. Come to think of it, maybe I'm not supposed to be too exhausted.:P Perhaps that dream was another reflection of my fear/anxiety/whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe I had a lot to write, but didn't know where to start. Or, I was afraid that no matter how much I wrote, it still wouldn't do good anyway. (But to what??) Oh, well. I should find out which 'clutters' in my head that had been causing this strange dream.:P Anyway, besides that - I've also spotted an interesting vacancy from Cambridge.:D I'm giving it a try. Mz.D said we should arrange our schedules to try out "The CSI: Experience" together sometime next week, before it closes on March 20. We'll see. My brother's broken up with his girlfriend Dindi since last long holiday.:( I like her. What can I say?*shrugs* Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how good they seem. She started dating another much older guy now. He's coping reasonably with it. He has to. Sometimes I wish I could be tough like my brother. He's not the type to talk about it easily. He's still hurting, I can tell. But he remains friends with her. Good boy. You know, I understand that people are different. There are some who openly admit that they can't stand being single. They always have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend (be in a relationship). That's even more fortunate for them if they can find a new one pretty fast after their previous break-up. That's good, really. Lucky for them. What sometimes annoys me is that, just because that happens easily to them, they simply think that the same fate works wonders on other people too. I mean, I get that. I'm not going to be a hypocrite about it. All normal people need that. We all long for someone to love and us to be loved in return. I know that, perhaps because they are happy with their relationships - they want others to be like them too. "Find someone new, like I did," they usually say. "If I can, then so can you. You should try that too." What is this? A competition? If trying doesn't work out or the result is always disastrously the same, there are two answers they tend to give you. It's either "You're not trying hard enough" or "You're trying too hard." Go ahead.*sneers* Take your pick. One way or another, the meaning is still the same: "You're not doing it right." Fine, so they're the experts.*rolls eyes* "Maybe there's something in you that you need to change first" or "It's all about the attitude, dear." Ha! There they are. More common statements to make people in this situation feel more insecure. Maybe those aren't intended as an offense, but here's the thing: I don't change for other people but myself alone, thank you very much. I'm not a puppet on someone's Goddamned string! If I changed in order to meet some guy's requirements for a beautiful girlfriend and ditched my true personality for the sake of 'winning him over', then wouldn't I be lying to myself? You could be the person with the nicest attitude ever, and still got yourself overlooked and second-guessed. (Believe me.) No kidding, but how come? It's all about meeting the right person at the right time. It lies within God's Hands. I mean, you could try with all your might, but what if He said, "Not yet"? What would you do? Honestly, I detest the 'attitude' reason (although it is right - but not the ONLY thing that factors!) They easily pick up on that, maybe because: a) either they don't have a serious problem in finding someone or, b) they simply forget (or choose to) how it once felt to walk in these shoes. Don't get me wrong. I don't resent people with relationships. I'm not anti-relationship. I'm just...romantically-challenged. (Seriously, how many people out there would admit something like this?) Up to now, I'm still looking for answers. More than once I've felt like turning my back on love and walking away, wondering what can happen from there. I mean, isn't relationship a two-person job? "You need to have faith." Oh, but I do. I know I won't suffer too much in my solitude. It's been a major part of me for years and...look, I still exist. I only lack faith in love. Only God can help me with that. And He will...in time. I do have faith in Him. Everyone should maintain their good sides and fight off their bad ones for the rest of their lives. That's why I just nodded when my dear brother decided to take some time off on his own. Some people need more time to heal. Does that make them weak? No. Just different. We all deal with grief, heartache, rejection, separation, etc. differently. This is my way. Btw, I've won a lot of free novels from SPICE! that I don't need to shop for books again for this entire year.:D YAY! There are eight, because I gave the ninth - Karen Rose's "Nothing To Fear" - to Gigi. I've already owned and read it. I can't wait to start reading the exciting thrillers.:D The romance novels?*shudders* I'll read them when I'm mentally fit again.:P Speaking of romance novels, I spotted a quirky title at a local bookstore which made me gag a little.:P I forgot the author, but it's a chick-lit called "Jennifer Johnson (Johnston or Jones??) Is Sick Of Being Single". It's a typical story of a 30-year-old chubby gal who frets about not having a boyfriend for the 'show-and-tell' at her younger sister's wedding. Want to know what I think? Hello, Bridget Jones.:P I can still with people who say, "That's okay, don't worry too much about it" or "Relax, you'll also find someone soon." Hypothetically, if I ever wrote my own chick-lit, it would probably go like this: "Romantically-Challenged" (by....well, Me :P) ("I know nothing of love. I do know heartache...too damn well. "I hate the sound of my heart when that happens. It skips a lot of beats that even the most amateurish musician might refuse to put a single tune to it. I sometimes call it 'my personal, chaotic music'. It doesn't make butterflies dance in my stomach, because they crash into each other really hard. "Everytime that happens, all my logics fly out of the window. The image of him takes over every frame in my mind's eye. I can play the loudest heavy metal in my I-Pod while being alone in my room...and still hear his voice too, like a taunting ghost. "In the end, what I even hate more always happens. Imagine having your Swarovski crystal tossed from the top of the building. Imagine the sound of a C-4 being set off. Boom! "I know I'm exaggerating, because I'm the only one who can hear my heart break. It's just like that. Ouch. "That is why I am signing up for this program. I have to make sure that never happens again." Meet Rianna (not the singer!) - an energetic workaholic. Sick and tired of the same heartbreak, she joins RCA (Romantically-Challenged Anonymous), where she crosses path with Jay, a prince charming with an artistic, sensitive soul. They soon click, but will Broken Romeo and Skeptic Juliet manage to pull it off and go against all odds?) And I don't know if that story will rock...or suck.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF/QB

STAY BUSIER...:P
I didn't go anywhere yesterday. The weather has been unbearably hot lately.:( I only went out to get the newspaper and paid its monthly bill and came back home with a headache. What about the book fair? That ends on March 13. There's still time. I can still go.:) But before that, I'm going to visit SPICE!'s office again. (Like what I've done so many times before.) I've won one of their contests again.:D I am getting another free book. YAY! Books, books, books. They're always perfect for my solitude.:D Well, I've got to go. Got to stay busier these days!:P The Author/SBF/QB

BUSY
The title above explains enough.:P The details are here: Last Saturday: I went to Gramedia's Book Fair in Istora Senayan - all by myself. I didn't spend too much time there. I also wasn't feeling too well. They had a tent where The Red Cross People were treating the blood donors. Since I'm an O positive, I've always wanted to donate mine. (O positive can help a lot of people.) Unfortunately, when I was tested, my hemoglobin was seriously low.:( I also felt I was coming down with flu. I'd almost been tempted to buy a local romance novel called "Refrain" by.Winnie E. I first caught a sight of it sometime ago, with the thought-provoking quote: There never is a perfect friendship or relationship. There are only people who try their best in it." I ended up buying only a collection of articles by Emha Ainun Najib. Cak Nun is one of my favourite authors, artists, and socio-politics observers.:) He always adds a sense of smart humour in his writings. By the time I got home, I was already sneezing and shivering. Grrh!:x I always hate being sick. How can I take care of other people if I can't even do myself well?:| I know, I know.:P I'm being hard on myself. Old habits die hard. Mom asked me what I'd bought from the book fair. I showed her the book and told her that I felt like staying the hell away from love/romantic stories. These days, I need something that is not so emotionally provoking. Something 'neutral' and... "Smart?" she suggested. I nodded. "Something more challenging for my brain," I agreed - before silently adding: and not destroying my mental health again. Somehow, when her eyes read my face, I had a strong feeling that she wasn't just talking about the book genres. Good. At least she got the picture and didn't press 'that topic' any further as usual. Last Sunday: I stayed in bed most of the day.:( Sick with flu and a major sore throat. I hated it. I had a lot to finish and I couldn't even concentrate on a single thing. My workload. My writing projects. I'm a workaholic, remember?:P Thank God, no sad thoughts or nightmares disturbing my sleep. It probably had something to do with me doubling up the dosage of my prescribed meds. I know I have to be careful with that, but I don't want to be sick too long. There's no time for that. The world never waits on you, so I must speed up my healing process. Last Monday: I went to work - all bundled up in a coat. Annoying fever!:( Last Tuesday: I was still sick. Grrh!:x Last Wednesday and Thursday: As promised, I became one of the judges for the storytelling contest in an all-boys boarding school again where Leese works in...Parung. Parung is a small town that borders Jakarta with Bogor, West Java. So technically, I went out of town and back for two days...speeding with an ojek biker on his motorcycle in the early morning. No joke. That far? Oh, yes.:O Was I crazy? Well, I've been crazier.:P No big deal. After all, it was worth the trip. I've visited that dorm twice before on the same, annual occasion. The students - more of young gentlemen than just teenage boys - have always been fun and eager to learn new things in their lives. Impressive. On Thursday morning at 3:16 am, my second nephew Gyan Nararyatama Hardiyanto (weighed 3.6 kgs/7.9 lbs and 49 cms/19.29 inches tall) was born.:D Yesterday: I've heard that there's another book fair at the same place. Mz.D and I also still have a postponed plan to try out "The CSI Experience" before it closes on March 20. Probably we'll do that after the report card days, which will be next week. And no, I still haven't done any of my writing projects yet. Soon, after posting this entry. Please wish me luck, people.;) Thank you. The Author/SBF/QB

UNIQUELY INDEPENDENT...ME?
I don't know why I've decided to pick that title.:P I just feel inspired by my previous conversation with one of my good friends. Honestly, I don't know why he sees me that way. (Still, I'm genuinely flattered. Thank you.:D) I'm just an ordinary girl trying to do good and stay that way. Sometimes I succeed, other times I fail. Typical me.*shrugs* I guess it's a constant battle we all have to face and deal with. So what makes me unique? Beats me. If it's my ability to laugh at my own misfortunes, then thank God for that. We all know that life isn't always about sunshine and rainbow. There are dark clouds, rain, and hurricanes too. So far, I guess that's how I get by. Independent? So far, I'm still trying. I'm on my way there. Uniquely independent...me? Maybe. I hope so. Well, I guess we shall see.;) The Author/SBF/QB

THE LAST ENTRY...FOR NOW
This will be my last entry...for now. The reasons are: 1.I'm bored and tired.:P I need to do something else much more constructive and productive. 2.By next week, I'll be drowning in work, because it's the exam week. 3.I'm broke. I'll just sit and wait for my next salary, hehe.:P 4.Leese's just offered me another side job as a jury in her school for their annual English competition...again.:D That requires a serious preparation. 5.There are a lot of writing competitions I'd like to join.:) I'll most likely get back when they're done. 6.It's been a very long time since I planned on writing a novel.:P Time to get more serious with it. As usual, first things first. I'll get back to you as soon as possible.:) Take care everyone. cheers, The Author/SBF/QB

TO ALL THE GUYS I'VE EVER LOVED BEFORE (AND ALWAYS WILL...IN A WAY)
Lately, I've been thinking about something in my religion's teachings. In fact, I've had a brief discussion with my friends Via and Mz.D about this. These days, it's got me thinking again. I don't know about other religions (please, enlighten me.) If you're religious too and believe in God and the afterlife, you know what I mean here. There are three groups of people in this life, related to fate and finding soulmates: 1.People who get the same soulmates - here and in the afterlife: I'm sure that - if your partner is the most beautiful soul you've ever met in your whole life - you want to be reunited with him/her again in the afterlife (in heaven, of course!) However, it's all up to God's policy. It's most likely if you two do the same good deeds in His Eyes. How's that possible? Will every pair be this lucky? Don't ask me.:P I'm not the right person to answer that, and I doubt there ever will be. 2.People who get different soulmates - here and in the afterlife: You know, like the ones who lose their significant others (e.g.through death or divorce.) They have to start over and find someone new. Or maybe the ones who don't get along well with each other while they're still together in this mortal life. It's possible. I hate to scare you, but there's a possibility that some of you may not see the same soulmates you wish in the afterlife. Why? Again, it has something to do with God's policy. That remains one big mystery. Maybe one of you commits something sinful, but the other either has no clue or is helpless about it. Then again, we'll never know. Not in this mortal life, I'm afraid. 3.People who can only find their soulmates - in the afterlife: Oooh.:P Spooky (especially for those who fear solitude.) However, they do exist. Newborns and children who die 'too soon' (according to us). People whose lives are cut short by death, even before they have a chance for love and relationship. Don't forget people who live their entire lives in solitude. It's different if they choose to stay that way (either by a serious heartbreak or something else.) How about people who go through all their lives without finding a soul to spend the rest of their lives with, no matter how hard they've tried? Does it have anything to do with them, or God just has other, much better plans for them? Is it really true that there's someone for everyone? If that is the case, then how come there are people who get more - sometimes even without trying too hard? I just need to know why. I just need to know which one I am, so that I can prepare myself better. But then again, life is full of surprises. What would you do if you found out that you were part of the Group 3 above? Would you quit trying and accept it as it was? Would you feel desperate and wonder why? Or, would you go like me? Scared half to death when accepting love as it comes, but then having a serious personal struggle and breakdown when to let go. Then, somewhere in between your three-year-cycles or more, you keep trying to convince yourself that:"Oh, whatever. Perhaps love is just not for everybody." *deep sigh* I don't know.*shrugs* I don't have the answer now myself. Maybe, for some people, love will only be just a beautiful illusion that may never come true. Even if the people who have brought those warm feelings over have been real and wonderful.:) So, how do I play it this time? Nanda, I love you.:) I guess you'll never know. I'm not sure whether I have to feel sorry that I never let you. There's not a day when I don't think of you or pray for you. Wherever you are now, I hope you're happy and healthy. (And I hope those rumours about drugs weren't true.) I remember when we were in the band together, you playing guitar and I singing.:D You gave me smiles and confidence. You taught me about courage too. I'm glad I've met you. I thank God for having introduced me to someone like you. Take care. Joza, I love you.:) I know you've only seen me as a kid sister you never had at home, and that's okay. It's been a wonderful semester - and a fun year in a film club together. A few people in the past have accused me for being tad shallow. Ugh, what did they know? You're handsome and that's for sure. However, that wasn't the reason why I fell for you in the first place. It was simply your kindness, your protective manner when you convinced me not to be scared of those seniors. We barely knew each other that day, yet you'd held my trembling hand. That was warm and comforting.:) I'll never forget that. I'm sorry for having grown distant from you. It wasn't you, it was me. I didn't want you to see the sadness in my eyes and knew the reason behind it. You deserve to be happy with the one you love. And you are. Thank God for that. Take care. Red, I love you.:) You were there when I was on the mend and had no one to talk to. You were the very first who made me believe that someone could actually be interested in me. Your daily phone calls in the past had cheered me up. I'd felt less lonely and less miserable. Thank you. I know I wasn't that expressive when you were around. I'm sorry. I was just confused. I wasn't sure what to do. But then, neither were you. In the end, you chose her. Since I love both of you very much, I've chosen to step back. I guess I did the right thing, because now I can see how happy you two are together. Take care. I love you.:) You know who you are. I hope you're not mad at me if you read this, because I'm afraid I can't stand life if someone so nice hates me. For years, I've watched you grow from a laid-back teen into a remarkable young man. I'm glad you gave me the chance.:) I have learned a lot from you, probably a lot more than you know. I know that sometimes you have to risk a lot for love, just to see if it's really worth it or not. I still wish I had at least half of your courage for that. We've shared a lot in the past, maybe some weren't supposed to be. I know now that I too am capable of hurting the people I love - and I pray to God I will never do that again. I am sorry. Although you have forgiven me, it still takes a longer time for me to have completely forgiven myself. That's why I keep a bit of a distance here, something like I did with Joza back then. I need to heal myself first. But as long as we're still on speaking terms, that's all good for me.:) Don't worry, I'll be okay.:) Just in case we don't get to hear from each other as often as I want to, I need you to know that I am incredibly proud of you. Perhaps someday we'll meet each other in better, much saner days. I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see. May God permit. My prayers for you are still the same. You know what they are.:) In the meantime, take care. I love you all.:) I thank God for at least giving me a chance to have known and loved such beautiful souls as you are. The Author/SBF/QB

AN ANOMALI IN A FOREIGN WORLD CALLED 'LOVE'
Just like last Saturday night, I'm not going anywhere tonight. I'm broke and it's still another week of work before my next salary.:P How annoying. I wonder why the bills come faster than the salary. Well, at least I get to finish my writings.:) Speaking of Saturday night, I had an interesting conversation with my friend Ro last week. (And sometime in the middle, my best friend called to tell me that he was not angry with me anymore and that I was forgiven.:) Thank you.) Ro:"Let me get this straight. It's Saturday night there, and you're talking to an old guy from the internet?" Me:"Hey, I'm dateless! I can do whatever I want.:P" For an odd reason, that sort of reminds me of "The Holiday" (one of the very few chick-flicks I really like.*big evil grin*) You know, the part where Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet) is having dinner with an old movie director named Arthur. Ro sounds a bit like Arthur too sometimes. Once he commented one of my poems with: "The world is a stage and you are the leading lady." That was flattering.:) That sounds almost the same when Arthur told Iris that she was actually the leading lady (but often acting like a best friend.) I've never had this sort of conversation with Dad. I don't know why. Different people and cultures, perhaps.*shrugs* Ro:"And I'm glad you can.:D" Me:"Besides, I'm also sending job apps and writings.:P" Ro:"And I'm glad you are.;)" That's me.:) I must keep myself busy and stay productive, no matter what. I know that the real world doesn't always give a damn about your bad days. You do what you've got to do to survive and stay...you. Still, in my darkest and weakest moments, I sometimes can't help but wonder why: Me:"I still wonder why love and I don't get along." Ro:"Maybe...you're trying too hard?" That's funny, because if he says that to some people here, they'll disagree and tell them otherwise. Even my own mother told me, "You're not trying hard enough." Oh, hey. Do you know what? That's how most conservative people treat women like me here. Does that mean I am liberal? Hmm, I'm not sure. I think I'm kind of in-between-ish. Society's demands can be suffocating as hell. For example, this year...I'm turning thirty. That's unavoidable. If you meet the same type of people, you know what comes next in my situation. The same old 'M'(marriage) questions. The pressure gets tougher if you're still single (or, always have been like me - most of the time.*shrugs*) They think you should find someone soon. They make it sound as if it's as quick and easy as finding and purchasing a new pair of shoes at your local department store/mall.*rolls eyes* Call me a cynic as you wish, and I won't give a shit. Yes, I am - and that's how they see it, which annoys me a lot at times. (And come on, you can't possibly expect me to go uninfluenced all the time. I'm trying, and sometimes it's exhausting to keep your tough exterior. Sometimes all you want from them is to just shut the hell up and leave you alone, because - let's face it. Their criticism only brings you a headache, not a solution.:P) When I try and fail, they still blame me. They say I'm doing it wrong. Some say I'm not trying hard enough. The funny thing is, there are other people who think I'm trying too hard. (Wait, which one is right??) Honestly, I hate the thought of being desperate. I never want to be that pathetic. Yuck. Yuck. And once again...yuck.:| One way or another, I'll never win this, will I? It's like, no matter what I do, I'm still not good enough. Do you know what? Screw this. I'm just going to put a pause on 'love' again. Just like before. Easy. Don't you dare call me a quitter, for love has always quit on me. Besides, there are still more doable priorities on my bucket list. It's not the end of the world. See? I can be sensible again. Ro:"Do you care about what they say? Do you even need one?" Me:"I know what I don't need, though. I don't need to fall in love with the wrong guys all over again. Enough is enough." Ro:"Maybe it's just not the time yet." Me:"Maybe, but I still challenge God about this." Ro:"He loves challenges." Indeed. "I want to know what it's li-i-ike...on the insi-i-ide or lo-o-ove..." Up until now, I still see myself as an anomali in a foreign world called 'love'. I'm a wallflower in its grand hall. I don't know if it will ever change in the future, but - at least - there are things I'm glad about me today: I'm still alive and free. I'm as independent as I can be. I'm not suicidal, because God loves me.:)

IT'S TIME
It's time to quit. It's time to admit defeat. All mortals make mistakes. No one can escape rage. It's time to acknowledge. It's time that you gave up the old, impossible dreams. Not everything gets along with reality. Sometimes it's a bitter symphony. It's time to accept that something's got to give. You'll break if you keep it. It's time for you to be set free. It's time to seek forgiveness and mercy to God for all the sins. May there be enough retributions to heal all the wounds. It's time to change. It's time to kill the poison inside compassion. Hold your head up high and walk forward to embrace hope. It's time to restore peace, before death chases away the last chance's train. Well, it's time! (Jakarta, 15/2/2011)

WHAT'S NEXT?
I haven't sent my papers to the committee of the ESL teachers' conference yet. The deadline is...*gulps* today. Yikes. Since months ago, Leese has told me to hurry. I've finished the papers. I just haven't sent them yet. Alright, I'll do it right away after this entry.:P If I want a rare chance to attend that in South Korea, I have to do it quick. Hmm, what else? There's another story writing competition due March 31. The first winner will receive eight million rupiahs.:D (Tempting, especially for those who receive bills a lot faster than their salary.*big evil grin*) The problem is, I've never really written any children's story before. Teenage stories and the ones with adult characters? Scary genres? I've tried most of them. "It's all about simplicity, a short narration, and a happy ending," Shanti once mentioned. (Of course, she's a more experienced writer than I am.) "You don't want to give the kids a nightmare after reading it." Good point. She said she wanted to join that competition too. That's going to be tough for me. I mean, she's good. I've also spotted another interesting competition from Sunday Kompas. Write a poem with the theme "Mythology In The Present Days."(???) The winner will receive ten million rupiahs, a trophy, and...an invitation to attend Ubud's Writers' International Festival this year.:O The deadline is May 20. That's one of my dreams.:D I'd like to meet other writers from all around the world and read their works - not just here, if you know what I mean. I know that I'm not a famous author yet.:) That's also still one of my long-term goals. Why not? I can do that and I will. Soon, I hope. The Author/SBF/QB

WHEN VALENTINE'S DAY CAME TWO DAYS EARLIER...:)
Sometimes it doesn't take a lot to cheer this girl up on a regular Saturday night. She can spend her time with a bunch of party people who know how to have fun, but don't know her very well. Rock concerts don't come every week (although she'd love to have them more - even better for free!*big evil grin*) She doesn't need any superficial, Hollywood version of a prince charming standing by her door. (If he can't treat her right, then what for?) People from where she lives may not always understand her, but that's okay. Who says they have to? Trying too hard can only exhaust you. She just needs to have more faith in everything and everyone good in her life. She needs a lot of second chances too, because she can't be better overnight. She knows that not everyone is either strong, brave, or patient enough to give her all of them. At least, she still and always has God, doesn't she? God never leaves her, even when she feels completely alone. He hears her every prayer, even in a sound-proof chamber. (No, there's no such thing in her family's house. She's just making that up!:P But she's sure you get the point.) Sometimes she wonders how come God is still patient enough with this sometimes-ungrateful brat. Will she always be this lucky? She hopes so. She knows that not everyday she can get this rare miracle. It's best that she won't take things for granted anymore. It's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Why not? Will you pray for her to help her to avoid the same disasters - or even worse - from happening again? I hope that's not too much to ask. Thank you.:) Just like all normal people in the world, she still wants to believe in happy endings. It shouldn't be just the last page in a book or a final scene in a movie before the credit title shows on the big screen, should it? God's answered one of her prayers lately. She's got her friend back.:) For now, that's the only happy ending she needs. Love can always come later. There will always be the next installments. The Author/SBF/QB

ANGER AND FEARS...
I had another strange dream again. It was a scary nightmare. I dreamed of becoming invisible, like Suzie Salmon in "The Lovely Bones". I watched all the people I know live their lives as if I wasn't there at all. As if I didn't exist. And my pictures were missing too... Then suddenly, one of them started noticing me. I saw a pair of big, dark eyes - boring into me. His flashing, angry eyes - froze me in place. But not for long. The next thing I knew, I sensed smoke coming around me. I looked down at my hands. Blue blaze was consuming them. I was on fire. My whole body burst in flames. It didn't hurt. I was burning but I didn't feel the heat. I looked at him again. He was still glaring at me. There was obvious pain in his eyes. I slowly closed my eyes, letting my tears fall. I couldn't even stand the thought of causing him that. I had. I'm sorry. My anger has been uncontrollable and senseless. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I've ever hurt you that way. I just know I still can't forgive myself for what I've done. I don't know if I ever will, although you told me you have. From now on, this will always be my burning conscience... I woke up feeling dazed. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to have finally shaken it off. I have to keep functioning normally in the real world. I still can. I've never really given much of a thought about anger management, but maybe I should start doing that now. Otherwise, I might keep hurting more people far worse than intended. God, I'm even scared of myself when I'm angry. Speaking of scared, I have to deal with my own personal fears too. There are many things, actually. I've let myself get heavily affected by other people's problems - here and in the real world too - that I often forget about taking care of myself. Long ago, I thought anger management had only had something to do with eradicating it. How can you do that, when you've been taught not to have it in the first place? How, when you've been too afraid to acknowledge it yourself? I used to think it was a sign of weakness. It was like, letting people get their powers over your feelings and emotions. (Like how you say, "What you did really hurt me.") Well, now I know that sometimes I do need to do that - in a healthier way. Otherwise, it'll drive me crazy once again. It'll eat me up from inside. It has so many times before.:( Never try to bury anything - even the hatchet - unless you're absolutely sure it's 100% dead and it stays that way. If not, there's no guarantee everyone around you is safe from harm when you get yourself emotionally exhausted and lose all your marbles. Please, don't even give yourself a b.s. excuse about not wanting to hurt the people you love with your anger. That's not healthy. That's no kindness nor mercy. That's delay. No matter how good, people are still capable of hurting others too - intentionally or else. Me? When it comes to the people I really love, I hurt them out of pure, temporary anger - never a permanent hatred. I never want to do that, but sometimes I can't help it. That's my weakness. I've acknowledged and admitted that. I'm angry that I've let my feelings run way too deep and get the best of me. Words can hurt you if you only let them. I have failed in that. I'm also angry that I've let myself become too emotionally attached to people. That wasn't supposed to happen. That wasn't a sign of independence. However, I'm not angry at anybody else but me. Until I can work this out, I'm not supposed to get too close to other people. It's not safe for them, even when I love them so much. Dear God, I don't want to hurt him anymore, so it's best that he never deals with me anymore. Long ago, I'd promised him that I'd never want to let anybody hurt him - even if that person was me. Now I have to live the consequences of breaking that promise. I'm not afraid. I can't be. My friend Shanti once told me that good people aren't the ones to make zero mistakes. That's too impossible. She said only clear conscience and a strong, genuine will to make amends show whether you're good or...else. She said some people tend to go along with their sense of apathy, claiming that once it's all been done - they can't/won't change/be changed. It's too late, they will say. They also stop caring about other people's feelings. Good people are forever haunted by the biggest, most fatal mistakes of their lives. They don't always dwell or wallow in their misery. They still function normally in the real world. However, they carry their guilt as reminders - guidelines to help them to watch their step next time. Although the other people they've hurt say they're forgiven, they still have a hard time forgiving themselves. They're not even sure if God's forgiven them too, no matter how many times they pray. Come to think of it, this is also a wake-up call for me. There are times when we love people too much that we tend to forget about God's love for us. I know He doesn't need our love; we do need His. I'm not supposed to love any mortals more than I love Him. Other than that, they might get taken away from me - one way or another. Which one am I now? Sorry, I don't dare answer that now. I let people decide, based on how I treat them. I also have to deal with my own personal fears. It's about time that I restored the balance. Just like anger, I have to acknowledge my fears first before knowing what to do with them. I used to think that pretending they never existed was the way. That doesn't seem to work wonders anymore. I don't fear solitude. However, I have a hard time reaching out to people/expressing that I need them. I fear that every guy I've ever loved will always go away. I fear that it's true - maybe guys don't look that deep. (I hope not.) I fear that I might lose the ability to fall in love - and love someone completely as I have before. I fear the same, deep emotional attachment will ruin me and my sense of independence again. And hurt other people in the end with that too. Now I've got to do something serious about all this. I don't know how yet, but I will find a way... The Author/SBF/QB

ONCE UPON A TIME...
Once upon a time, there was a girl who cared too much... 2006(2007?) Patrick:"...and the topic for tonight is..." Zahra:"'When Was The Last Time You Cried?'" Patrick:"Yep As usual, we've already got our fateful first caller here. Hello?" First Caller(FC):"Hello?" Patrick and Zahra:"Hi!" Patrick:"Hey,(FC's real name) How are you?" FC:"I'm...okay. How are you, guys?" Zahra:"We're doing great, thank you." Patrick:"So, what can you tell about our topic for tonight?" FC:"When was the last time I cried? This afternoon." Patrick:(sounds surprised and sympathetic)"Oh, sorry to hear that. Did you have a bad day?" FC:"No, actually...I've been...(sighs)...I've been crying since last night. I couldn't sleep at all." Patrick:"What happened?" FC:(heaves)"It's...my best friend. He...(stifles a sob)...oh, my God. I don't want to cry again." Patrick:"Aww, we don't want to make you cry." FC:"He's just broken up with the love of his life. Two weeks...two weeks after that...she-she told him...she was going to marry somebody else..."(breaks down silently) Patrick:"He must be deeply upset about it." FC:(sobs)"It crushed him so bad. I'm worried about him. I don't know what to do. He loved her so much..." Patrick:"You must really care about him." FC:"He also said to me,'Why didn't I ever go for a girl like you?'(sobs) I don't know what to do. I'm confused." Patrick:"That means you're a good friend. I can tell you really feel for him." FC:"I don't know. I wish I could do more..." Patrick:"And I'm sure you've done all you could. Thank you for sharing that. We're going to play something to cheer you up, okay? Hang in there" FC:"Okay, thanks."(hangs up) (An awkward pause.) Zahra:"She was crying" Patrick:"Yeah, I feel sorry for her.(pauses)Alright. After this song, we're going to have a short break. Stick around and..." --- // --- "Are you okay?" "Yeah, Patrick. I'm fine, thanks." He smiled with relief. "How's your friend?" She smiled back at him. "He's coping reasonably, but I believe he's going to be alright soon. He's strong." "Good. Glad to hear that." --- // --- Today, I am saying goodbye to her. She is no longer a part of me. She shouldn't have been long ago. The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 47
"LOVE AS A CANCER" This love's a cancer, unrequited and painful. It just has to die. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:30 pm) "IMPOSSIBLE" It's impossible to have those things co-exist. One is the poison. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:35 pm) "ALL YOU COULD" Weep no more, my dear. You have done all that you could to block the poison. (Jakarta, 23/1/2011 - 1:40 pm)

THE LONG, LONELY ROAD - THE SAME OLD ME
"I've got to go." "Aww, stay." "No, seriously. I've got to go. Sorry." "Awww, I'm heartbroken." "No, you're not. You're fine. What are you talking about? You don't even need me. You've got her." --- // --- "I think Joza misses you." "Really?" I said as nonchalant as I could. The curly-haired Rimoy eyed me suspiciously. "How come? I'm still around. We're still in the same film club." "He looked so sad when he saw you talking to Narco," she explained. "I don't get it. You two had been very close - almost inseparable - last semester. Now it looks as if you're avoiding him." "Look, I'm not avoiding him or anybody, okay?" I was annoyed. "It's not like he can't talk to me anymore. I'm still around. Why do I always have to be the first reaching out to people?" "And I can tell you've been missing him too." So much for joining the high school theatre club. I was still a terrible actress. "In fact, more. You love him." It doesn't always take a psychic to read me well. All they have to do is look deeper, and my face shall be a dead giveaway. "I wish I never did." "Why?" Now Rimoy looked worried. "That's okay. That's normal." "As normal as it seems, I still can't accept it." I glared hard at her, gritting my teeth. An imaginary sharp claws started digging out from inside my brain. "I've never asked for any of this. Something like this can ruin a good friendship, so that's why I have to stay the hell away from him. Can't you see? In order to stay sane and sober and feel normal around him - I'm not supposed to have any of these feelings! This isn't even his fault, I know." She was shocked. I rarely yell at people, even when I'm boiling inside. (That's how I've become a human time bomb.) "Sorry, Moy." "Why?" "Why?" I'd wanted to laugh. "I don't want him to notice the sadness in my eyes. I don't want him to know the reason behind it. It's not fair for him! He deserves to be happy with anybody he loves!" "So do you," she added quietly. "I can see it's slowly killing you." "I just want this to go away." I sighed. "This has to go away, so I can just look at him again without having any of these absurd feelings. Like any other real friend should!" "From where I can see it, I think you've done all that you could - both for his sake and yours." She gave me a warm smile. "Now all you can do is wait. Let God take you to the right direction as always. Only time can tell and it will." "Right." I agreed and nodded. Rimoy said no more. She just laid an arm around my shaky shoulders, waiting until I stopped shivering. Two curly-haired college girls sat in the corner of the building on a regular afternoon. --- // --- "I know why you like listening to rock and heavy metal." "Why is that?" "You're suppressing something in you." "Shut up, Dave." "But it's true, isn't it?" --- // --- "There, there." Pumpkin gently stroked my long, rebelliously curly hair. He was sitting on the floor, while I was lying on his bed - wiping my eyes. "It's going to be alright. You'll see." "I've never asked for any of this." I looked at him solemnly. "Still I can't make it go away." "I know it's never really easy." "I wish I never loved him." I tightly shut my eyes, but that face just wouldn't go away. That hurt like hell, the way Eowyn feels about Aragorn. "I don't ever want to fall in love again, if it only and always ends up this way." "No, no, no. Sssh." He shook his head and stroked my hair again. "You know you don't really mean that. You just can't stand the pain, that's all. Give yourself a break. You need that. You deserve that." "I can't make the pain go away as quickly as I want it to!" "Soon, my dear, soon," he promised. "Soon the pain will go away, even before you realize it. Remember, with every dark cloud - comes a silver lining." I got up and sat facing him. I gave a half-grin and said, "So much for a tomboy, eh?" "Not really." He shrugged. "We're still living proofs of a world turned upside down." "Hey, I still like guys!" We both cracked up laughing. He was wearing a skin-tight pink tee, compared too my oversized black one. "Like what I've always told you, you're still lucky," Pumpkin added with a sad smile. "Nobody's ever condemning you for loving a man. In your case, it's always considered normal." "I know." I nodded slowly. "Even if none of them ever really sees me." "It takes an extraordinary man to notice someone like you," he told me gently. "Don't get me wrong, girl; you're not that bad. It's just...well, not everyone is born to be the centre of the major attention. From what I've seen, it would be too overwhelming for you. I know you. You're not that kind of girl. You're different. You don't need their admiring eyes to make you exist and feel alive. You're brave and independent." I smiled weakly. "Well, even Miss Independent is still a normal girl who needs love." "And she will find that," he assured me. "When she does, she'll show the world what a wonderful man he is. He'll be her truest friend for life, because that's what she deserves and he loves her like he means every word of it. He loves her for her." "Oh, dear." I'd wanted to cry again. "Why can't a straight guy say that to me?" He grinned. "Maybe they're not the right straight guys for this line," he reasoned. "The good thing about facing a lot of painful rejections is that when the right one comes along and stays just for you, you won't take him for granted. I know you won't. I have faith in you." "Thanks, but what if he goes away again - just like all the guys I've ever loved before?" I challenged him. The same old question. "Or worse, what if he never exists?" "Existed," he corrected. Then he offered, "We still have our back-up plan." "Run away to either Paris or New York together." I remembered with a laugh. "Share a flat, live like Will and Grace." "You can be a best-selling novelist while I'll be a fabulous fashion designer," he added excitedly. Then he suddenly asked, "May I bring boyfriends home?" "No way!" "Why not?" "If one of them is a bi and attracted to me too, that might be trouble." "With those icky washed-out jeans?" He pointed at my legs. "I highly doubt it." "Shut up." He laughed as I hugged him close. "Oh, Pumpkin. What would I do without you?" "The same as always," he said. "Survive like all independent women do." "You've been listening to Destiny's Child too much, but I get your point. Thank you." "Anytime, girlfriend. Anytime." --- // --- Some people say we dream about seven times in our sleep. However, before we wake up, we can only remember the last one. I don't know if that theory is true, because my experience is rather weird. How about dreams that show flashbacks? Those previous four came up to me one night. They came like separate frames slightly dissolved into one disorder roll in my mind's eye. "Look, you don't have to wait here anymore. He's not coming back." That was the line I remember most from "Hachiko: A Dog's Story" (the US version with Richard Gere in it.) I first heard the true story from an old childhood friend. It happened in Japan and the bronze statue of that legendary loyal Akita dog to its master is still at Shibuya train station. Seriously, I couldn't stop crying when I finally watched that. Poor Dad.:( Mom had to calm him down for a while. She was crying too, btw. That movie was very, very sad. Awfully sad that when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my face was red and splotchy. My eyes were badly bloodshot. The lids were swollen too. Yuck. It looked as if I hadn't cried in a very long time. I looked freaky. Then I woke up with a terrible headache that wouldn't go away. No aspirins left in the cabinet. Great. There are always much bigger and more serious issues to deal with in the real world, so I often shove mine back into the shelves inside my head. Sometimes it's a good idea, sometimes it's a bad habit. Typical old me. Too bad the ladies and I had to cancel our trip to see "The CSI Experience". Most of us are broke, and it's still early February. Next time? I hope so. Pumpkin, if you saw me now, would you feel disappointed? I know I do. I know you'd tell me not to be too hard on myself. I'm not always brave and strong. I'm not always right and wrong. I'm sometimes in between. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry I can't be their version of 'normal'. I can only be me, with all the good and bad in it. I can't promise that people will always like what I do. I can't promise that they won't get hurt by being around me. I think I'm going to find the old me I have lost, long before love distracted me and ruined everything. I'm better off that way. I need a long break from getting too absorbed into other people's problems. I need to take care of myself too. Until the day God proves me wrong about how love only hurts me in the end, that's what I'm doing for now. And I'm still working on it... The Author/SBF/QB

THE MENTAL DETOX
"There never really is a perfect friendship nor even a perfect relationship. There are only people who try their best." I've caught a glimpse of that on the back of a book cover at a local store I went to sometime ago. It's part of an Indonesian novel synopsis. From the looks of it, it must have been (just) another melodramatic love story. Did I buy that stuff? Nope. Did I get to have a read? No. These days aren't just the right, sane days. I'm still not in a stable mental condition to consume stuff like that. In fact, I'm in some sort of a mental detoxification. Although I still can't let go of caffeine, at least I've quit on diazepam. It's been the wonderful six years. Despite everything, I will always remember and cherish the good times. I know nothing is ever really forever. Jules and Mz.D are taking me to see The CSI Exhibition at Mall of Indonesia in Kelapa Gading, North Jakarta this Saturday. They want me to get out of the house more often - to release some stress. I want that too. That's a good idea. "You need to relax more," Red once said that to me. "You need to take care of yourself first. That's not selfish. Remember, you're important too." I'm still searching for a morning job, or a possible scholarship/job abroad. I need to make some serious, more progressive changes in my life. Order and chaos always take turns. That happens everywhere and to everyone. Sometimes you have to start everything from scratch. That's normal, although it doesn't always feel okay. After all, we're only human here. We all make mistakes and learn from them. We've hurt others and been hurt before. Not a soul can ever really escape that in real life. That's why we can't promise each other impossible things. "I'll always be there for you"? No, we can only say, "I'm here for you now" and mean it. All we have is now. How do we know that we're not going to be too busy for each other tomorrow, or even the next five seconds? We don't, do we? Who are we kidding here? What else? "I'll never hurt you"? Bullshit! The only thing we can say and mean is: "I never want/mean to hurt you." That sounds more sensible and realistic too. How about "You know you can tell me anything"? No. We all know that's never really true, because we can never tell. That's why the term "white lie" exists. That's why we often hear people say, "What they don't know won't hurt them." So, what can I do for you, before one of us might leave tomorrow? Too bad I can't promise that I won't hurt you. We know how easily breakable that one is. The Author/SBF/QB

TRACING BACK DOWN THE JAGGED MEMORY LANE
"What do you think?" "About what you wrote?" "Yes." "It looked like a string of apology letters. They looked like you were in so much pain alone and you couldn't bear it anymore. Your deepest love for him has been your own personal cancer all along. You thought you'd conquered it, but it was never really gone - was it?" "I guess I've completely lost my own battle this time. I didn't mean to hurt him that way." "I know. But then again, it's never really been easy on any of you." "It was actually about my greatest fear. You know, the 'what would I fear the most if I were dying" kind of thing? But I guess it no longer matters now. He's taken care of that. After what I've done, I don't think we'll ever see each other in the real life for good." "Maybe you two need some time off, away from each other. It's unfortunate that some friendships have to end, no matter how good. Sometimes two things just can't co-exist in one environment. One of them has to die, or else it'll become a poison to the other." "Is there a chance in the future when he might see that I never really meant to cause him such pain?" "People say and do a lot of things they don't really mean when they have problems or are in pain. I don't think you ever really saw him as someone bad. We all know nobody's perfect." "I know. You're right. Maybe this is for the better." "Things happen for a reason. We all learn from our mistakes. We have regrets. But life goes on. I know you'll be strong." --- // --- "I'm afraid the issues have been much bigger and more serious than that story you wrote." I could barely meet Mz.D's sharp gaze. "You can't write happy endings anymore. You keep working on the same theme. You like gory stuff better. You told me that you used to have serious problems expressing your anger. I think you still do, so that's why you can never really get past that." "I thought writing could help to make it all go away." "Only as a temporary outlet. I can see some things still get unresolved here. Come on, I've read that too. That huge load of emotions didn't come overnight. There had to be some stressors in the past that triggered something like this." "I never want to get angry." "No wonder you've become a human time bomb, dear. Keeping rage within and pretending it never exists are very unhealthy. It's gradually tearing you apart. You're tired of building walls, only to have another time bomb exploded from inside. Think. Remember. There must be something either he'd said or done in the past which might have unintentionally angered you, yet you kept quiet about it for so long. Something you're still suppressing inside, only because you love him so much." "I didn't want him to get angry with me and leave. I was scared." God, she was right. "But you should've told him sooner, so you wouldn't have exploded like this." "And hurt him far worse than intended." I looked away. "I'm afraid it's not just about him. More than that." --- // --- "Mooom, help meee!" my older sister was screaming as I was chasing after her. I didn't know where that scary urge had come from. All I felt when I saw her smirking at me was...rage. I couldn't remember why. I just knew I hated that. I hated her. I'd wanted her to stop making fun of me and leave me alone. I'd wanted to pull her hair and claw at her face. I'd wanted to push her down and make her cry. I'd wanted... "Stop!" Mom caught my raised fist while my sister went hiding behind her back. "What's going on here?" "I don't know, she's always being so weird," my sister said as she stuck her tongue at me. Mom glared hard at me. My eyes challenged her in return (something forbidden in our culture). I tried to speak, but no sound came out. In the end, they all came wordlessly through my eyes. Streaming wet. --- // --- "You're her little sister?" "Yes, Sir." "How come you girls are so different? You're fat." I wished I'd been tall enough to break the teacher's big, ugly nose. --- // --- "I want to talk to you about the last story you wrote." "Yes, Miss Emma?" "You're a creative, imaginative writer. However, I am worried about you. For a girl your age, you wrote a story about a young girl doing time in prison...after murdering her older sister, some of her classmates, and a male teacher." I'd never seen any grown-up would be that afraid of little girls. I'd thought that only happened in horror stories. "I want you to tell me," Miss Emma went on carefully, "have you been angry at some people in your life lately?" I slowly nodded. "Why?" "They won't stop making fun of me." "Have you ever told them to stop?" "They just laughed at me." "Have you told your parents or the school conselour about this?" "My parents said I was just too sensitive. Dad also said I was weird. He said snitching was only for the weak and the cowards." "I see." She nodded, as if she'd understood the whole thing. "Is that why you wrote this story?" "I'm afraid." "Of what?" "Being unable to stop that from happening." --- // --- "That wasn't a normal fantasy for a 13-year-old girl." Mz.D looked even more serious and concerned. "I mean, I dreamed about being a Star Trek crew when I was 13. My cousin wanted to be a Barbie-" "I hanged my Barbie with a ribbon." "-and they'd casually dismissed your problems by claiming you were just 'too sensitive'. They never took you seriously." Her eyes widened. "That had to cause a lot of anger in you, but you'd never said anything." "Their typical reaction stopped me," I admitted. "'You're too sensitive'. Like that's a shameful weakness. 'You're weird'. As if I weren't supposed to even exist.'That's cliche'. 'Stop complaining'. As if I were never supposed to have any problems at all. It's like, it's always okay for others to complain, but not for me. They're not used to seeing me fall apart. They always, always expect me to be strong and take everything as it is. Keep quiet and act like nothing's wrong." "It's never really true, is it?" I shook my head. "Mom kept telling me to never hold any grudges." "She's right, but she never let you know that sometimes, it's okay to express your anger openly. That's normal. You need to be acknowledged of your own anger and that's not a weakness." "They were both busy at work. I wasn't supposed to give them more problems when they got home." "Your guilty conscience had also blocked your emotions from coming out. You knew something always made your school conselour call your parents. You'd also noticed that whenever they got home, your nagging sister had always stolen most of their attention. So had your brother. You wondered why it was so hard for you to do the same, yet you remained quiet in the corner." "I thought I could bury the pain by writing it down," I whispered, my voice now hollow. "I used to draw a lot too." "What happened?" --- // --- "Did you draw this?" She was laughing at a piece of paper in her hand. I'd drawn a picture of a girl slapping a boy in the face. Somehow, she passed that to her husband and the old man had laughed about it too. He even photocopied it so his colleagues could have a look and laugh about it too. He'd also joked with them, "I don't know what's gotten in my daughter's head to make her draw this. She's just weird." I stood there, silently fuming. I'd thought that grown-ups were damn lucky to have a lot of advantages, including laughing at what kids do and making them feel like little freaks. Well, that day one freak had wanted to scream, stop it, Daddy. It's not funny. I really hate that boy! Freak. That's what he'd call me later on... --- // --- "They keep making fun of me! I can't stand it anymore!" "This is only your first year," she reasoned. "You can't just give up only because some kids are taunting you." "But I have no friends, Ma! Nobody understands me." "Maybe it's because you never know what you want," the old man suddenly spoke. "You're such a freak that nobody will ever want to be with you!" Dead silence. The conversation stopped there. So had the normal, open communication ever since. --- // --- "How was the audition?" "I didn't get it." I shook my head as I plopped down on a chair next to hers at the cafe. I smiled politely at an elegant lady she'd been talking to when I arrived. I'd assumed she was her friend. "This is Kristina," she suddenly introduced the elegant lady. I shook her hand and said my name, while Mom said, "Kristina, this is my daughter." "Ah, the singer." She smiled. "I have a strong impression that you're special too." "I don't get that a lot, but thank you." I smiled back. "Are you waiting for your kid from the singing audience at the other building?" "No, I'm just here for the coffee." "We've just met," Mom explained, "while you were auditioning." "Oh, I see." Then I caught her eyeing me strangely, and that made me feel uncomfortable. She smiled politely, a bit embarrassed. "I'm sorry, but I can't help saying this," she said suddenly. "You know, your father loves you very much. You're the one he always worries about the most." I glanced at Mom, and she simply said, "Kristina can see people." "Yes, I can," the elegant lady agreed. My attention shifted back to her. "I can see 'things' in people." It took me a second before the meaning sank in. I suddenly remembered my Uncle Iwan - Dad's oldest friend with the same 'gift'. "He's afraid that you might end up like him, along with his flaws." I snorted. "He's got funny ways of showing me that." "Maybe it's because he doesn't know how." "Well, he can always try harder." "Maybe he has, although in the wrong ways." --- // --- "I think you've been overlooked and dismissed your entire life, you're sometimes still unsure if people ever really care about you. Your problems have been casually denied. Considered unimportant. You feel like you're always expected to listen and understand, but there's never a room for you to really open up and talk." "I don't want them to think I'm weak." I closed my eyes. "I'm not having some sort of a delayed, psychotic break, am I?" "I don't know, dear. I don't study psychology." "At least I've had a chance to tell him something." "What is that?" "If he ever has a daughter in the future, I hope he'll never ever call her a freak - no matter how angry he is," I explained. "I don't want any other girl to end up like me." "No, don't say that. And your father was wrong about you. He knows that now." "A father is the first man in a girl's life," I went on. "They say most girls who have troubled relationships with their fathers usually have serious trouble as well when they connect socially with men. But if I use this as an excuse for anything, they'll simply blame me for letting that affect me so much." "As usual." "However, I thought that wasn't really necessary." I shrugged. "Somehow I know he's not that kind of man." "Alright, let's get back to him," Mz.D urged. "Like I've said, there had to be some stressors." "Right." Here we go. "I kept them so that he wouldn't worry too much about me or feel responsible with how I felt. I thought I was taking care of him." "But you weren't taking care of yourself." "I guess so. Every time he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me with this, I just shrugged him off - convincing him I was okay." --- // --- "He's blown me off again." "I've sensed something wrong with him from the beginning." "I don't know why. Maybe he needs some time alone to decide about 'us'. Maybe he's unwell again." "You know you deserve someone better than him." "Look, it's not that easy." "Yeah, but I'm worried about you, okay? I mean, I've read what you wrote about him. It sounds like you're obsessed with him." "Well, I've written a lot about you too in my older entries. Does that mean I was obsessed with you too?" "No.:) That means you've cared a great deal about me and I feel lucky." --- // --- "How did you feel when he used that word?" "'Obsessed'? I felt like a pathetic freak. It was sad, really, to have him had such thoughts about me. I never placed the guy's pictures all over my room, wrote his last name next to mine, or some sick stuff like that." I'm sorry, but I just had to admit this.:( "Up to now, I still don't get it. At that time, why was it okay that I wrote a lot about him, while it wasn't if I did another guy?" "Jealousy, perhaps? He was single at that moment, wasn't he?" "Yeah for question number two, but that wasn't the point. Besides, that would be way too impossible. Jealous? Him??" "It couldn't have been only that." Oh, God. Please, forgive me... --- // --- "I know you've expected a lot of me. I'm sorry I can't live up to that." "Wait, why are you sorry? It's about time you found someone new. It's okay. I get that. Besides, you were right. We're too damn far away." "I didn't know how to tell you, afraid of how you might've reacted. And no, it wasn't because your grandpa had just passed away." "Look, I've told you before and I'll say it again. It's okay. I want you to be happy, remember?" "But it's you. I know you'll be heartbroken again, down-trodden. Because it's you that I didn't know what to say." "How come? I've never gotten in your way before, nor will I ever in the future." "No, but..." "Relax, okay? You shouldn't feel guilty about the happiness you truly deserve. This is normal. If you're happy, then I'm happy. That's all." --- // --- "You lied for his sake, his sanity?" "I hated it that he kept bringing 'that' up, when all I ever wanted to do was kill 'that' for good - in order to move on completely." My head was spinning now. "I'd almost succeeded, but he made 'that' feel real again...and painful. I wished he'd looked past that. He had no reason to feel guilty. My pain has always been my own responsibility, remember? I even asked him to look away, but he said he had to face it too." "What else? That might've been it too, but not that strong." --- // --- "You're special too." "No, I'm not. If I were special, people would do anything for me." "A stumble in your confidence again?:)" "I'm afraid so." "You're beautiful too. You know you are. You ought to believe in yourself." "If that is true, then why am I still all alone?" "Because guys don't look that deep. If they know you this way, I'm sure they will fall for you." --- // --- "He said that?" "Uh-huh." "Why? How come? I mean, how did that make you feel?" "I don't know." I shrugged. "I felt...uglier. Worse. Honestly, I'd also suffered a seriously low self-esteem for some time after that. It was like, 'Am I actually not beautiful enough to be noticed?' And the guys who do notice and think I'm beautiful are the ones with the girlfriends. Don't get me wrong, they're sweet and wonderful - but what do I get from that?" "So, since then, you've started feeling that maybe he was right about that. Most guys are superficial and someone like you doesn't stand a chance?" "Maybe he didn't mean it that way, or make me feel that way - but that was the impression I got," I admitted weakly. "It was like, 'You can sing but you just don't have the right look to be the star everybody likes'. Again, I chose to bury ignore my own feelings." "Perhaps that wasn't the most crucial stressor," Mz.D analyzed. "There's got to be one that lead you to this breaking point." --- // --- "I'm sorry about the breakup.:(" "Thanks. I'm fine." "Are you sure you're okay?" "I'm fine, really." "Dearie, it's going to be okay." "Wait, why are you being all affectionate with me all of a sudden?:P" "Nothing. Why?" "Because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Why are you being so weird?" --- // --- "That's it." Mz.D eyed me carefully. "From the rapid change of your expression, I could tell that was the biggest stressor. Not to mention you being pressured socially about what you should do...and problems at home." Damn, she was right. "I thought it was okay, because we used to do that to each other in the past," I admitted with a shrug. "I was just trying to cheer him up, as usual." "And he thought you were flirting with him," she concluded. "Was that true?" "As much as I loved him - and still do - I was more worried about how he was feeling at that time." I've been more than used to being second-guessed, so I didn't care if she hadn't bought it. But thank God she did. "Why is it okay for a guy to call any girl 'darling','honey','sweetheart'- but if it's the other way around, there has to be something else she wants?" "Maybe it was also the word he used." "'Weird'." I shuddered at it. "Suddenly, he sounded just like...Dad." "And that destroyed your self-esteem...once again." "He could've said something else like:'Hey, you're aware that we can only be friends, right?' But no, he used the same word Dad had used on me long ago - that shut me up ever since. 'Weird' - as if I were just some sort of a 'freak' again." "Did you get a chance to tell him that when you two talked the next day?" I shook my head. "No, I was way too furious to speak, so I mostly let him do all the talking. Then we began to talk less, less, and even lesser." Until none. No more. "Why didn't you tell him?" She sighed and shook her head as she read my face. "Don't tell me." "Yes," I said sadly. I thought of him and prayed, God, please tell him I'm truly sorry. Take care of him for me. "He was one of my unfortunate casualties in this pent-up rage issue." "You should've told him sooner." "It's no use mourning about that now." I sipped my ocha tea. "Maybe Al's right. You two need some time away from each other. You need to let go, like completely this time." "I've never regretted meeting him and being his friend," I told her again. "I've never wanted to fall for him in the first place, and made him feel bad with that. I just hate it that this love became a poison that's finally destroyed our friendship." "Don't be too hard on yourself. You've tried your best." "All in the wrong ways, like that psychic lady said about Dad." I looked at her again. "I've failed, okay? I did a horrible thing I'm not proud of. I've accepted that now. Come to think of it, maybe it's much easier to have him hate me and walk away." "How come?" "As you've seen, I had a hard time walking away myself. I think he did the right thing. Somehow, I'm sure he'll recover from all this far more quickly than I do. Soon he won't even remember me, like I've never existed in his memory. Whatever happens in the future, I still wish him all the best in the world - here and after." The Author/SBF/QB

"GOODBYE. I'M SORRY...='-("
For the first time in my entire life, I find it very difficult to write. However, I still have to try - since this is really important. I'd been trying to avoid Dad's eye contact. He's been a stroke patient for two years now and I must be careful not to let him pick up any negative emotions - especially from me. If he gets too emotionally overwhelmed, sometimes it can cause him to have...seizures.:| A few times it got worse that we had to use an oxygen mask to help him to breathe again. I didn't know what got to him this morning. I was passing him by when he suddenly grabbed my arm. We locked eyes for a moment. Instantly I knew. He demanded an explanation, regardless the risk for his health. There was unusually sheer determination in his eyes. How could he tell? I don't know. Some sort of a parental instinct, maybe? "Dad, I'm okay." He wouldn't let go. Obviously, he didn't buy it. "Dad..." That's when I lost it. Something warm started in my eyes. "Daddy, I've done something truly horrible. So despicable that now I've lost my best friend." His eyes widened in disbelief when I mentioned the name. "He hates me for good." His lips quivered and his shoulders began to shake. His mouth was moving, and I could tell what he was trying to say: No, it can't be. No. "Yes, Daddy." Just like a bad habit, I'd broken another promise not to cry in front of him, no matter how horrible the situation was. To make matters worse, he started crying too - silently. "Yes, it is. This time I've hurt him the worst way any other freak like me could ever do but barely think of. Now he's completely lost his trust in me and never wants anything to do with me anymore. I know I deserve that, Daddy. I'm afraid I've become the worst friend in the world and there's no going back in that. I'm not proud of what I did." Then I did what I normally don't do, even when I was a child. I hugged the crying old man as we both were in tears. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm so sorry. I've already apologized to him but I'm afraid it's way too late now. I've screwed up big time. I'm sorry. I never do anything right. I always say the wrong things I never should. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to hurt him. The fact is I really did. So bad. Now it's only God's rare miracle that can make us friends again, and I'm afraid I'll never get that. I don't deserve any of that anymore. I'm so sorry..." ='-(... I've lost my best friend two days before his 25th birthday. How? I've written a not-so-fictional story which has seriously offended him because one of the characters was too much like him. He saw that as a personal betrayal to our six-year-old friendship.:( It looked as if I'd been so bloody judgmental, when in fact it was just my own silly issue of disagreement. Because despite of everything, I knew I had no right to tell him what to do - so I'd kept quiet until I wrote that. However, there's nothing justifiable about what I'd done. I'm not going to argue with that. I'm also not going to defend myself or try to make myself look less guilty or more pitiful. Most of all, I'm not going to beg him to forgive me and give me another chance to be a better friend. It's already way too late for that anyway. I'm forever doomed in my own personal hell. I've never got a chance to explain more to him, but I guess it no longer matters now. He's heard enough of me. He's had it. He's made up his mind, and I won't blame him for that. He's got all the rights in the world. One last shot in the head, and I'm as good as dead. If you ask me what I want, I'm not going to lie to you. I'll do anything to get my best friend back. If only he knew that I never meant to make him feel like he was only to complete my plot. That I never meant to sound like a jealous, insecure bitch. I admit that I often get myself too carried away emotionally. Brutal honesty has the most expensive price to pay. I couldn't afford it, so I had to lose him this way. If there's God's rare miracle that can make him at least forgive me, then He must be way too kind to me. However, if that day never comes, then I shall live the rest of my life bearing this inconsolable, unrepentant regret. I guess I'll never be able to wish him happy birthday anymore, unless silently. I never thought it would ever come to this, but this is my reality now. I'm living with this awful sin. Goodbye. I'm sorry...='-( The Author/SBF/QB

SHORT FICTION: LETTERS TO SEAN
Dear Sean, Happy birthday. As usual, I’m praying for all the luck in your life. You often say I’m too kind with you. So what if I really mean it? Guys like you are rare, Sean. That’s why I’m always wishing you the best. I hope you like the gift I sent you. This time, I recorded that song in my brother’s friend’s studio. Ari’s an excellent guitar player and songwriter, so he’s helped me a lot. I’m sorry that I still can’t play guitar and write songs as great as you do. None of my poems are suitable as a song yet. I only know your e-mail address and phone number. I have no guts to ask you where you live. That’s never been my style. Besides, we’re much too far away from each other. Will we ever really meet? At least once, maybe?? I know. As usual, I expect too much. Besides, who am I? Just a loyal best friend listening to you for all these years. Imagine how we’ve known each other that long. I even forgot the last time I talked to my high school and college friends. I don’t know, Sean. I only feel that with you, I can completely be myself. I can be the tomboyish Rara without worry of criticism and judgment. You know I can’t stand guys who are control freaks and refuse to accept girls the way they are. Selfish. They say I’m weird and stubborn. They wonder how I will get a boyfriend if I don’t compromise well and scare the hell out of them? Fortunately, you’ve always supported me. Patience, you urge me to be. The right guy will come for me. You also say that’s what friends are for. Always supportive of each other and exchanging honesty. Ah, best friends. That’s what we are. Always and forever, you’ve promised. Never more. That’s okay. That’s better than nothing. I still want to be grateful and I am. Right, Sean? Rara. ---//--- Dear Sean, “The truth will set you free.” Many have said that. You’ve also claimed to believe so. Really? Perhaps this is why I’ve chosen to write these letters. Yes, instead of e-mailing or blogging where its private entries are accessible for you. Telling you this straight on the phone? I’d rather eat a big jar of your favorite jalapenos and lose my appendix in the operating theatre. I don’t know, Sean. From the beginning, I’ve already broken ‘the rule’, although I’ve tried my hardest not to. Forgive me, Sean. I’ve never asked for any of this. Even though you’ve told me that you understood and put no blame on me, I still hate myself. Feelings can’t be denied nor compelled. I’ve tried killing these many times, even by giving other guys a chance. Amazing how I could still hear you spilling your heart out on me for years. Mostly it was about the girls you loved who ended up breaking your heart. There was one you’d also unintentionally disappointed, because – at that time – you were still mending your old wounds. Just like me, she’d understood. Then you were so devastated when she was killed in a car crash. Honestly, no matter how painful it would be for me, I actually didn’t mind if Nadia were to be your girlfriend. She seemed nice. Time flies in a speed of light. I know, you’re hoping that I’ll find a boyfriend too myself. Believe me, I’d like that too. However, I’m not a popular type like you, Sean. There are more girls who like you than the number of guys who like me. In fact, they barely exist. I wonder why. I’m serious, Sean. You may convince me many times how beautiful I am and there surely will come a guy who really likes me. Well, this is how reality works. Even if there’s one, it never lasts long. There are always other girls. In the end, it’s always them instead of me. As usual, people can only blame me. I’m the one who won’t open up enough. I’m the one who always make the wrong choices. I hate that. They never (want to) understand. There are some who blatantly call me stupid. Why waste my time waiting on you? (The truth is, I’m waiting for God’s miracle – which I don’t know when will come. It doesn’t always mean you, does it?) The last time I read your blog, you were highly infatuated by beautiful, girly Eileen, although she’d already got a boyfriend. Ah, lucky her. She had one guy and could still get another. To be honest, I couldn’t take that. I was also disappointed because (it seemed to me) that you had changed, Sean. You became the same as those other guys I hate. The shallow ones who only go for the pretty faces. No problem if she’s someone else’s girlfriend. How could God let me fall in love with you? This is like a poison without a cure. Am I slowly dying already? I’m sorry, Sean. Please pray for these feelings to go away – as fast as an aspirin kills a migraine. Rara. ---//--- Dear Sean, Guess what? I think this is going to be my last letter. I guess we’ll never really get to meet each other. I’m sad, but what else can I do? I wonder if you still think of me. We haven’t really talked anymore in a very long time. We’re both busy. Only once in a while we get to greet each other through Facebook. By the way, I’ve spotted the picture of your Jade on Facebook. She’s so beautiful. You’ve told me that she’s also a tomboy. The last time we talked, you sounded so happy. That’s a great thing. I think you’re finally back to doing the right thing. She’s not someone else’s girlfriend and only loves you. Do you still remember how I often complain about my headache? The doctor’s just delivered the bad news that made Mommy cried. There’s been a lump forming in my brain. It’s a terminal cancer, Sean. No one saw it coming. There was also nothing that I could do, but to live the rest of my shortened life as good as possible. I have to reduce my exposure to radiation too. That’s why I hardly get online anymore. I hope you’re alright and that you don’t have to worry too much about me anymore. I’m very sorry, Sean. I’m such a coward. I’m afraid I’ve let you down, because you’ve always believed in how brave and strong I am. I have no heart to hurt you so. Besides, my pain is my own responsibility, remember? It’s okay, Sean. Perhaps this is also good news for me. At last, there’s something that will kill this love so great for good. Not some other guy, because I don’t want to pretend to love anyone – no matter how nice he can be to me. It’ll be unfair to him. You won’t pretend to love any girl too, just because she’s nice to you. It’s just the same, isn’t it? I also have no heart to hurt the guy who wants to be my boyfriend (if there’s any!); just in case I lose this battle against the cancer… Be good, Sean. You know I’ll always love you… Love, Rara. ---//--- “She never told me.” Behind his spectacles, Sean’s beautiful brown eyes were glistening. The sad faces in front of him were silent. Some were in tears. “She never wanted to upset you.” Gayatri, one of Rara’s best friends in the real world, gestured at the letters in his hands. “She valued your friendship more than anything.” No one said a word when Sean finally cried in Jade’s arms. His eyes strayed upon a portrait of a shoulder-length, dark, curly-haired girl with a big smile on her face. She looked beautiful and happy. She looked healthy…and normal. A girl who had been stubborn enough to ride her motorcycle alone the week before, ignoring a sharp pain in her head. According to the witnesses, at that moment Rara hadn’t noticed that there was a truck speeding towards her from an intersection… -The end- (Jakarta, January 8 – 16, 2011) Inspired by: - Shadeq Hedayat’s “Dash Akol: Silent Love” (a short story) - Hoobastank’s “Let You Know” (a song) - Rivermaya’s “My Favorite Song” (a song) - Lene Marlin’s “Another Day” (a song)

THE FIRST WEEK (PLUS ONE)
How was my first week (plus one day) at work?:P The Old Bat surprisingly returned on Tuesday...just to say hi to everyone. (Well, obviously except Mz.D and me. Ugh.*rolls eyes*) With her annoyingly loud voice and goofy grin, she acted like a talk-show diva making an entrance. Thank God she left again...soon. Good. I'm sorry to say, but she was just an intolerable, mindless, and fake bitch. (Worst of all, she used to be my good friend.) So far, it's only Mz.D and I can really see that... We attended a seminar on Wednesday morning. I normally don't wear make up, but when I did - I got quite a positive response from people.:) However, since I don't get compliments that often, I tend to have a bad habit making a joke out of it: Them: (smiles at me) "OMG, you look so different today!" Me: (grins back) "Don't worry, this has nothing to do with plastic surgery." Them: (laughs) I had a karaoke night with Gigi after work. I didn't care about the fact that I was flat broke - I needed to vent in a more positive way. Froggy joined us a it later. We attended a longer seminar on Saturday. It felt such a long day that my head was spinning by the time it ended at five. I just wanted to eat my dinner quickly, then sleep. Recently, I've started writing more actively again.:) I miss doing that a lot. However, there's one problem. It seems I have a serious trouble writing anything romantic with a proper, expected cliche of a happy-ending. There's this website for Indonesian writes and I got rated...well, pretty bad. I don't even know why I'm still so upset about this. Maybe it's just how it is.*shrugs* I can't write a happy-ending like that, because I never know how that actually feels. I can't put a living soul into it. The only happy endings I know (and can write) are the ones about bad guys getting caught, the day being saved...that's all. Even if the heroine doesn't get the guy of her dreams and is still all alone in the end, at least she's alright. I always call the last one an 'alternative' happy ending. However, Bear just disagrees. He keeps saying I'm often in denial. To be honest, I don't like that. It's not fair. I mean, not everybody's that lucky, remember? No matter how hard I try. Yes, I am still romantically-challenged - and annoyingly, that has affected my work.:| The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 46
"OBLIVION" In oblivion, one feels nothing but the void detached from the world. (Jakarta, 5/1/2011 - 11:00 am) "UNREMARKABLE" Am I too kind? You will see the changes soon, but will you like it? (Jakarta, 5/1/2011 - 11:00 am) "PRETTY EVIL" "A freak for the freaks!" The pretty ones chant loudly before I kill them. (Jakarta, 8/1/2011 - 12:55 pm)

REMAINS OF THE SHORT HOLIDAY
I'm going back to work next Monday. But first of all, as usual, I must show up either this Thursday or Friday. Check the new class schedule. Deal with the MUT (make-up test) takers. All the usual drill. Speaking of work, I'm still searching for my morning, part-time/freelance job. Why? It's not like I want to quit this teaching job I really like.:P Yes, I admit that money is part of the reason (and a slight problem too, it is.) I just need to earn more. I'm still an unknown author, so that's why not all my writings get published easily. Perhaps someday they will. I'm also looking for a new experience. A new environment. The next adventure. The challenge. Stagnation is a scary thing. The Author/SBF/QB

YOUR PRAYERS
I fell asleep in the arms of darkness. In pitch black, I heard gloom in your voice. Was it your prayers, dear old friend? No idea why I longed to hear it again. The torment in yearning, cruel and sharp as a thick blade. Half to death, I insist on eradicating grief, for too long I've treated my own tears with hate. I must kill all hopes in vain. For too long I have waited the inconsolable pain which still refuses to flee. With all my effort, no need for you to know, for I have never had the heart to hurt you so, with the most unworthy guilt in a soul... Are you still praying, dear old friend? Thank you, for I still need them. Only for you, I'll fake my laughter, in the name of love which must not be tainted, in the name of friendship which must never be broken... May your prayers come true, knowing how I still need to believe love is as fair as its Almighty Creator - not a twisted, mean joke with the evil laughter of the demons at every hideous wound... (Jakarta, 11/12/2010) The Author/SBF/QB

SOFTENING THE TERM?
Recently, I caught a friend's Facebook status about how last year was a waste. Somehow, I couldn't resist replying: "Never call anything a 'waste'. Mistakes are 'certain sacrifices' in a constant learning process for everyone to become better." I swear to you, people.:P A decade ago, you wouldn't have possibly heard something like that coming from me. No joke. Why? Having lived with a perfectionist father could get you that much. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm sick to death of people's impossible expectations on me to be perfect. Isn't that exhausting? So what if you have flaws and mistakes? We all do. At least you try not to cause too much of a damage on other people. Still, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not a saint. (Of course, silly.:P Nobody is and never will be.) I still can't stand people who believe they're always right and intentionally point out other people's mistakes in public - in order to simply embarrass them. I mean, how insecure can they really be? Imagine if the tables are turned. It could happen to anybody. Mz.D says that if you're too used to winning everything and getting all you want all the time, the crash landing can hurt twice as worse than if you're used to accepting that not everything is always under your control. I agree, although I sometimes wish it didn't have to be that way in order to avoid a person from taking things for granted. Somehow, I get a feeling that she keeps reminding me that, so I won't quit so easily. That's the kind of friend you need when the world gets less friendlier. I visited nearby relatives last Saturday night. I met a distant cousin, whom was also my senior in college. When I asked about her husband (whom also had been her college sweetheart, I know), her simple response had embarrassed me: "Oh, we're not together anymore. It's been a year." Oops.*blushes* "Sorry." "That's okay." She smiled. "We haven't seen each other in a while, so you didn't know." Still, awkward. I'd seen them together back in college. I knew the guy too, although not personally. I thought they were just...perfect. (Aargh, I'm using that word again!:P) But we've already known that, haven't we? Even the picture-perfect romance doesn't really offer a lasting eternity. It's just a beautiful illusion to entertain your reality. And yes, I'm being a cynic again.*big evil grin* What?:P You don't like it? Well, too bad...so sad. This is me, so deal with it.*sneers* "Now I'm single again." "True happiness comes within," I offered positively. She smiled again.:) "You're right," she agreed. "If we can still be happy with ourselves, why do we have to worry about being single?" I felt a moment of rare connection with her. It was strange. Up to now, I'm still unsure with how to put it right. For a rare moment, I felt that she and I understood each other very well. I mean, I never know how it feels to be a girlfriend or a wife. I only know how it feels to love someone but have to let them go in the end. Hell, I do that all the time. Am I an expert already?:P If they think I'm pathetic, they should try my shoes. Then they can start talking.:P "A perfectionist treats mistakes as hideous failures and unnecessary misfortunes. A resigning soul treats them as certain sacrifices in a constant, learning process." The Author/SBF/QB

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR
First of all, Happy New Year 2011 to all of you who have just celebrated it.:) I hope you had a great time that we will achieve better this year. It's been almost three decades of my life and I still find myself amazed at how most of my people here celebrate New Year's Eve in Jakarta. Yesterday, I came across a guess-the-statistic kind of game on TV about how most people here celebrate New Year, and the highest answer goes to...book a fancy hotel room! Perhaps it's just my personal opinion. I mean, I've been through different kinds of New Year's Eve celebrations for years. If I'm going out of town and have no close relatives nor friends there, I stay in hotels. Not exactly the five-star types, though. (Maybe only four or three - not below that standard.) I prefer going out more on such holidays. But if I stick around in Jakarta (like now), why should I? Some people may give an excuse that they need a change of environment for holiday. For me, it's a waste of money, especially if I choose to go out all night long and stay up until dawn. Okay, so what I normally do to spend New Year's Eve? I know I can always take my pick. Staying home is actually okay, as long as I know something interesting to do after the breaking dawn. I can also visit other relatives or friends, have drinks and eat until I feel guilty and start picturing 'the gym' in my head as the next place to go.:P Or, if there's any interesting stage performance in town, I tag along with the same interested crowd of friends to go there. The best one I had was probably 2002, back when they still ran Senayan's Theme Park. I'd gone there with Pumpkin and friends, where we ate dinner from the food vendors and watched local bands perform on stage. Then we all danced to the DJ after midnight - until four in the morning... Ah, good old days...:) I didn't find any good crowds this time. Plus, I'm still flat broke, despite the pay-day. I can't be too selfish, can I? First things first. Besides, the mood just wasn't right. Come to think of it, not everyday you get a really quiet time - when it's just you and some good reads. You can even finish your writings in peace. And I know what I'm going to do next.;) It's always been part of the usual plan in January. The Author/SBF/QB

THE PRAYER
Dear God, I know that I haven't been good lately. In fact, not in a very long time. I'm sorry.:( I know that with these faulty attitudes of mines, there's a strong possibility that You might not want to save me a spot in the afterlife's heaven. I should think about that harder. My countless gratitude always goes out to You, for still allowing us to live on this earth for another year - despite the horrid damages we keep on causing here.:| I normally don't celebrate New Year that much. Why? Aside from the fact that I'm not exactly a party-goer, it all depends on the crowd I can tag along with. Besides, that's not the point. It's all about reflecting our past mistakes and making new promises to keep in the future - promises that hopefully will make us better people. It sounds cliche, I know, but most of us do that. Then what about me? Is that a selfish question? Does that make me sound ungrateful to You, after all You've given me? Am I asking too much? I don't make too many ambitious-yet-impossible resolutions. I'll stick to being more realistic like what I've kept doing for the past few years. Earning more money is still my number one. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not that materialistic. I've got a lot to support beside my own personal dreams. My father is still sick. I'm not sure if this one is also a part of my resolutions. They say patience is a virtue. Well, they can say my level of patience is beyond normal. (Or is it?) Maybe some people are destined to wait longer than others for this. Unfortunately, I've seen others wait forever without getting anything from it, even after they'd tried their hardest. Does that make them special? Does it mean there's something horribly wrong with them that only You can fix? Oh, shit. I'm trying my hardest not to cry again while writing this. I've been pretty good with myself so far. Why ruin this with the same old weakness once again? Right?? Or am I just being too hard on myself again, as usual? Is it always me? They say love always makes you happy. Lucky for them. It usually does. Normally, it sends eternal warmth inside you whenever you think about it. Every time you feel it. Somehow, it always works in reverse for me. The hideous opposite. It either runs my blood cold or boils it. It sends me down to the same old mental hell in the end, a dark, solitary room where there's only me and the constant, mysterious evil laughter. It makes me want to break the walls down, only so I can breathe normally again. Be normal. Have I ever been normal all my life? Am I fooling myself? This feels far from it. I'm sure most of them will tell You that, although I don't know how You might react to that. "You're such a freak that nobody will ever want to be with you!" Did he really meant that, God? Has he been keeping his regrets in his silence? They say every parent's words to you are prayers - especially the angry ones. If that's the case, do You agree with him that You somehow have granted his by making every guy I've ever loved go away? Let me know if I'm wrong, because I keep on seeing the same signs. It's like, I'm much better and happier if I stay the hell away from...love. Is it true? Is it normal? How long will this last, God? I can't let my mother know this. Even though she and I barely see eye-to-eye these days, the fact that one of her kids have somehow lost their faith in love will surely break her heart. She's had enough in her head already. She doesn't need this. I'm not supposed to make it worse. "Why are you being so weird?" If I hear another guy say that to my face again, I swear I'm going to punch him in the face, God. I'm not joking. You see, this is why I told my best friend that I held no one responsible for my pain. I don't want to taint other people's picture-perfect paintings with that. Not many of them can ever really understand me that much, even when I try my best to understand them. After all, I'm not supposed to expect too much, right? Silence has always been easy. However, please do me a favour, God. Don't let me fall in love again, if in the end You know there's nothing left for me. Just don't, okay? No matter how wonderful the guy really is. I mean it. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm sick to death of being overlooked. I don't need anymore disasters. If I only get myself hurt again in the end, is that the kind of love I must believe in? Nothing but a mean joke to me? I don't mind solitude. I know I still exist in it. If You want me to stick to it, then fine. I'll play by Your script on my part. Unless You show me a rare miracle I'm really meant for, I don't even want anything to do with love anymore. Please, don't let love hurt me anymore. I only beg You to spare me the all-too familiar agony... The Author/SBF/QB

YEAR-END CLEARANCE: FRIENDS TO KEEP AND (SO-CALLED) FRIENDS TO LOSE
Alright, let's start with the easier list: Friends To Keep (*): 1.The one who calls you and sings to your ear just to cheer you up, even when their lip has just been accidentally slapped by their own guitar string and bleeding profusely.:D 2.The one who gives up their sleeping hours to accept your phone call, only because they want to hear your voice - despite their running fever at that time.:P 3.The one who gets angry at you because you didn't tell them straight on the phone about either your bleeding lip or your fever.:P 4.The one who helps you when you're broke but also demands you to never bring that up again.:) 5.The one who's around when you cry and wishes they could hurt someone who could cause you so much pain.:| 6.The one who makes sure you get home safe when you get sick after a rock concert - and isn't disgusted to see you throw up multiple times overnight.*blushes* 7.The one who openly criticizes you but also suggests a solution to your problems. 8.The one who helps you point out at your mistakes (as you miss them) without making you feel stupid nor patronized. 9.The one who sends you well-wishes on your birthday and thanks God that they still get to see you and talk to you for another year.:) 10.The one who plans to name one of their future children after you because they feel you have always been important in their lives.;) (*)May this list go on and on, because we all need more good reasons to keep our friends.:D (So-Called) Friends To Lose(**): 1.The one who's only around when you give them benefits. 2.The one who expects you to always listen and understands them, but get angry when you want the same from them - claiming illness and incapable of your bad news and you should know better not to bug them so much at that time. (Well, even if it's true, they could inform you nicely.) 3.The one who gets personally offended if you won't see things their way. 4.The one who does one tiny good thing to you and expect you to treat them as if they have saved your life from permanent damage. (Not that you're ungrateful, but that sounds more like 'over-appreciation in one's mind by their slight achievement'.) 5.They laugh at your weaknesses, even worse by flaunting that they can do much better than you. 6.They criticize, criticize, and once again...always criticize you. In their eyes, there's always something horribly wrong with you that it's unrepairable. 7.They can't tell the difference between telling the truth and putting others down - especially in public. However, they get seriously defensive if the tables are turned. 8.They only remember your birthday if you bring something nice to share with them. It's even worse if they forget to thank you afterward! 9.They think you're weird and pathetic and always let you know that. They even think doing that to you is funny.*rolls eyes* 10.To them, you're dispensable. It doesn't matter if you don't exist in their lives anymore. (**)May the list stop right here, because we don't need more annoyingly painful excuses. The Author/SBF/QB

A VERY MUCH EXPECTED DEPARTURE OF A YAPPING OLD BAT
Mz.D often says that The British have got more creative variety of insults than The Americans. I agree. No offense, but they do sound more subtle yet sophisticated.:P I know that my good friend Lorenzo has kindly advised me not to bother so much with 'that girl'.Still, I have to write this down. This is like my anti-venom, so that the poison doesn't stay in too long. That's why I don't just let any friends - no matter how good they are - read this. I'm well-aware that not many can take the worst in me.*big evil grin* What about you, dear readers? I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not perfect. If someone is downright rude and bitchy to me, I can be a lot nastier in words.*sneers* I swear to you, I can make the meanest girl cry and run to snitch to her parents for protection. However, I know better not to. I play the game differently this time. It's best to stay quiet but secretly cunning, making sure that when a bully tries to get others to see the worst beast in you - it just won't work. Tiger is right. So is Mz.D. (Come to think of it, they both do have one thing in common, and are very good at this.) If you silently observe long enough, you'll get to notice things. You don't just listen to what people say, but catch up with what they don't. And no, it doesn't always have anything to do with mere assumptions and deductions. The more a person yaps a lot, the more they usually reveal their personal weaknesses. The wrong type of audience can be a grave danger to them. Unfortunately for them, they're just way too caught up in their own heads. That's why people at work don't just call me 'Kitty' for nothing. (No, I don't steal food from them or anything like that.:P I just love cats.) At first, you may think I don't care about your surroundings because I appear childlike and harmless on the outside. The fact is, my eyes and ears are always alert. (Thank God.) I know that I'm not always that successful in 'selective hearing', but...well, let's just face it. Human emotions are funny. You can't brag about being able to control yours all the time. That's not true. A joke. All too impossible. Mz.D said Yapping Old Bat (YOB) was clearly a narcissist. She wasn't also very bright. Yet she often tries to conceal that by putting others down as harsh as she can. Tuesday: I heard she was talking with Shanti and Panda - the newbie and also the youngest at work. It was all about book-publishing. When I told Panda about the danger of e-mailing your first draft to the publisher, YOB cut in with obvious mockery in her eyes: "Hey, but my friend got hers published through that! You don't have many social relations, do you?" Seriously, I'd never seen her so ugly with that arrogant smirk on her face. "Ha! Poor you. How pathetic." "That was only one evidence-" "But you didn't know that, did you?" she pressed stubbornly, as if I was the helpless idiot who should've known of such a little fact. "You didn't!" I said no more after that and went to my next class. Whatever, bitch. Fuck you.*rolls eyes* I get it. That's how you make yourself feel superior to others. To me now, you're just another hag with a serious case of primadonna complex. (Besides, I didn't know her friend she'd brought up, so it wasn't my fault.:P) The truth is, more personal rights are more likely to risk piracy and infringements (especially by hackers.) But no, I didn't tell her that. Why the hell should I bother? What a waste of time and (my) energy it would be. I've known what she's really like now. I've got much more important stuff to do than arguing with a pair of deafened ears, thank you very much. Even if other people are (proven) right, she still won't buy it. The funny thing is, long ago, she said she was afraid of posting her works online and getting pirated. (What's the difference with e-mails? We can still get hacked, no matter how careful we are.) It's like, she says one thing and then claims another. What an amusing silly lot! For narrow-minded people like her (who believe the world must revolve around them), a passive response from the other party is perceived as a weakness and a silent agreement to their opinions. The truth is, people are just growing tired of (dealing with) her. Well, let's just leave her on her empty little stage, shall we?*sneers* It won't take long before the bored audience starts disappearing one by one, leaving her alone. For Shanti, she says she always prefer personal approach - so she'll never go for e-mails when it comes to sending her stuff to be published. (She still has no idea how to reach the foreign ones, though.) Good for her.:) I know that some of you people think I care too much about people, but I had to make sure that sweet, naive Panda didn't get too influenced by YOB's vile tongue. I often tell him that he can get advice from people, but in the end - he ought to follow his own guts and believe in his own choices. He knows he can't be a little boy anymore. Still, I never thought that someone like Mz.D could be at her wit's end when it comes to dealing with people like YOB. But she is, even when she only shares that with me. At least she still knows better not to bitch around people at work about her, though. Good for her. She's too smart for that. Wednesday: I wasn't feeling well but came to work instead. I had to concentrate harder, so I mostly kept quiet. Indeed, I ignored YOB most of the day. She went on and on loudly and cheerfully about mundane stuff, exchanging pranks and immature jokes with Panda. Then Jules had an idea that we all head downtown to Gramedia Bookstore in Grand Indonesia after work or the next morning for a year-end sale. That sounded tempting, but I was - *snifs* - flat broke. Mz.D urged me to go window-shopping at least, so I finally gave in.:) At first, we'd planned to do it on Thursday morning before work. Both Jules and Mz.D were very considerate with other people's schedules and conditions. I had one last class of the term until seven. Shanti had to tutor someone at home. "Besides," Jules added, gesturing at me, "she's not well today. She needs more rest." Somehow, YOB managed to change everybody's mind by saying she couldn't come the next day and insisted that they go right away after work. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it, I shrugged off and told everyone that I didn't need to go. I mean, what was the point anyway? I'm flat broke. The bookstore's not going anywhere. There'll always be another sale. No worries.*shrugs* See? Who says women can't be logical, rational, and practical too? I'll punch you in the face if you dare say otherwise!=x Poor Mz.D.:) She didn't look too happy with their final decision (but still went along anyway.) I could totally understand her feelings. It wasn't the sudden change of plan that mattered. "I'll just focus more on the displayed books," she hissed to me. Her annoyance was palpable. "I can't believe that I still have to put up with listening to her yap all night." "No, you won't," I responded calmly. "You can use your 'selective hearing' skills. I mean, you've always been good at it." Thursday: My boss treated me with free lunch.:D (Psst, don't tell anyone, but only a couple of office boys and I were that lucky!*big evil grin*) YOB had cleared off her table. I caught Mz.D's expression, which clearly read: Good. Can't wait for her to disappear. Shanti cooked for our dinner tonight before the long holiday.:D She made salad and meatballs. Unfortunately, she'd had quite a trouble on the way. Traffic had been crazy. She'd also run out of money. (Yikes!) And there weren't enough meatballs for all of us. "I hope it's okay if I ask for a little donation, so that I could buy some more," she ended her story breathlessly. She was obviously troubled and exhausted. "Poor you," said YOB. If we were still real friends, I would've believed that she'd been genuine. "How much do you need?" I asked Shanti. She turned to me. "Five-thousand is enough," she said. Despite being flat broke, I handed her my last two-thousand in coins. I'd eat the meatballs too, so why not? "Sorry, that's all I could give." "No problem, thank you." Shanti smiled gratefully. When YOB said "poor you" for the third time, Bear surprisingly jumped in: "You keep saying 'poor you' to her but won't give her the money?" That was completely out of the blue. He'd said it with a smirk and a playful tone, but I could tell from his eyes that he was actually serious. That struck me: He notices too that she's awfully stingy, but trying to hide it by faking empathy! "Alright, alright, I will!" YOB shot back defensively. I'd wanted to laugh. She was busted!*big evil grin* I was glad when the day ended. Mz.D and I went home together. It was her turn to feel unwell (maybe not just physically). Okay, I did something I'm not really proud of now. I told Mz.D the real reason YOB resigned from her teaching job: It was our last dinner together - Gigi, YOB, and me. From the way she'd been beaming, I suspected something was up with YOB. (She can never hide her real feelings well and she's also a lousy secrets' keeper. Past experience's proved me that!) She'd tried to dodge my interest elsewhere and changed the subject, but finally gave up and told Gigi and I a silly initial with a rather embarrassed grin: "F.H." "What?" Gigi frowned, but I quickly guessed: "Future Husband?" "Oh." YOB looked disappointed that I could guess that easily. Didn't think I was actually that smart and observant, eh?:P "Yeah." "Oh, my God!" squealed Gigi in delight as she threw her arms around her. I just smiled and guessed again: "That Australian lad? Your friend Winda's ex?" "Yes, but how do you know?" This time, YOB's jaw dropped. I saw a slight annoyance in her eyes. "Again...lucky guess." Just like what I've told Gigi and some people quite many times before, it's almost like an eerie kind of gift. I've got a strange ability to notice if someone's in love with another. Sometimes it's a sheer torture for myself when - again and again - I have to notice that the guy I truly love always loves someone else. As much as I truly want him to be happy, knowing that smile and serene look on his face which are meant for somebody else is the most horrid agony I somehow have to keep on dealing with, year after year. And no, I have no ability to detect whether any normal guy can ever possibly fall for someone like me. Somehow, this thing only works for other people. (Or perhaps that certain fellow never existed. Maybe some people are destined to be alone for the rest of their lives, no matter what. I don't know.*shrugs* I hate to think that God can be that cruel. He's not, I know.) "I don't know how to tell Winda this." "Well, she's married to someone else, so it's okay," I reasoned logically. "He's no longer hers anymore. He's yours now." "Yeah, but..." YOB averted my gaze. Instantly, I knew the problem. Last year, she'd bragged about how she'd never ever wanted to date any guy whom her friends liked/once liked/who was her friend's ex - even if she herself liked the guy. She'd even implied that girls who did that sort of thing would be a...bad lot. Surprise, surprise.*sneers* I'd told her that we'd never know whom we might've ended up with. We can never really tell. Now she had to take back what she'd said... "That's all?" Mz.D scowled. "That's a normal thing to do. Why did she ask you and Gigi to keep it a secret about it? What's with her embarrassment?" "I don't know." I shrugged. I know that I wasn't being respectful with a person's wish to keep it a secret, but she didn't seem to respect me that much anymore. So why bother? Call this a vendetta as you like. I don't care. I don't even care if she or Gigi reads this and I'm hated for life for this. "Unless she was secretly recruited by CIA or M-15..." Mz.D rolled her eyes. I just nodded again. "Maybe she's afraid if something goes wrong and things don't work out, she'll be embarrassed," I deduced. "She often says she's not the type to blab about stuff like this to people at work." "Bear did," she pointed out. "I know." "I guess she can't stand any mishap. No surprise, considering how much she likes laughing at other people's misfortunes and weaknesses." "True." Then something struck me. "Hmm, I wonder what she'd really thought of me when I told her about the thing with Red last year." "With that irky attitude of hers, I bet she secretly laughed at you." "Possibly." "And I don't think she ever thought of us as real good friends to her," Mz.D added again. "We've been wrong about her all along." "That happens," I reasoned calmly. "At least, we don't have to deal with her again now that she's out. Gone for good." "Good." Do me a favour, God. Unless YOB changes her attitude, I never want to see her again. Please, just make her go far, far away from me. I don't care. She's changed, or maybe this is the real her I've seen. My life is far better off without girls like her, thank you very much! The Author/SBF/QB

3 in 3 ent 45
"GO" Where do we go now? From here, the path seems unclear. Still, we have to go. (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:00 pm) "RICHER" The older we get, more people we get to know. That's how we're richer! (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:40 pm) "THE LAST PAGE" If life is a book, the last page is a secret in the hands of God. (Jakarta, 19/12/2010 - 2:42 pm)

MISTAKES
"People make mistakes. The greatest one is not admitting that we (can/are able to) make them." Seriously, what's so wrong about that? Is it our pride that keeps us holding back? Is it our insecurity, our inner fear of revealing (having to reveal) our weaknesses to the wrong pairs of eyes? How do we know we get the right, non-judgemental audience? (Do we even need them?) Speaking of mistakes, I'd like to correct the previous entry.:) Thankfully Gigi reminded me that it was us who entered the room while Daniel was there - not the other way around. (I admit, he was hot.*big evil grin*) But still, it was he who started the conversation. It was fact, and this time I remembered correctly.:P There. At least I've admitted my fault, eh? I know I could be wrong about things, just like everybody else.*shrugs* I can. I believe that's part of growing up. Sadly, there are still grown-ups - even the elders - who don't see it that way. Perhaps their ego is much stronger than their conscience. Back then, long ago, these people used to piss me off...big time. Don't get me wrong, they're still annoying as hell.:P However, it's more of a pity I feel towards them now. It's such a shame, indeed. How can we become better if we somewhat refuse to acknowledge our own flaws first? I mean, I know it's not easy. I'm not going to be a hypocrite about it. That doesn't mean it's impossible, though. After all, we've got choices. Speaking of mistakes, Gigi and I were giggling while discussing about the story with Daniel in it, when suddenly 'that girl' joined in. She was laughing too, telling me she remembered that story too - about how I was openly attracted to Daniel. For a moment, I thought she was back to the old her I used to know. But then, she said this word before leaving for her next class: "Pathetic." I wonder if she'd meant me, or whether she even knew the meaning of that word.*sneers* Still, I shrugged if off, pretending I hadn't heard her at all. Let her get away with it. In fact, let her think she can get away with everything. It may sound like I've given up on her. Well, maybe it's true. She's changed, or maybe this is the real her I've just seen. Someday soon, somewhere out there, someone is going to show her the mirror. If she still has her conscience, then trust me, she'll be more than shocked. God Almighty is The Truest Justice. If someone often reacts negatively to your almost every story, doesn't it tell you something? Doesn't it make you think? Doesn't it make you want to reconsider calling them friends - or else? I'm not vengeful or anything. It's no use anyway. Let her think whatever she likes about me. It shows that she has no idea. I still call her a friend, but she's just not on my VIP list anymore. (Not like she ever really needed that.) I think I've grown quieter and more observant lately. Some (misunderstood) people tend to mistake this as a sign of weakness, as if I have no guts to spit it out and defend myself. The thing is, my silence often has nothing to do with my agreement over something. There are times when having an argument feels too exhausting, even when it's necessary. It gets even more exhausting if the other party won't listen to your side of story. "Ooh, you're just too sensitive." Really? Am I?? Would you like me better if I were cold, distant, and uncaring?*sneers* Would you prefer me that way? Please, be careful what you wish for. You might not like it if it comes true.*big evil grin* I only open up to those who deserve to see 'the real me'. Other than that, don't be surprised if I become quiet... The Author

THE LAME (PICK-UP) LINERS AND THE FIRST (WRONG) IMPRESSIONS THEY (TEND TO) REPRESENT
Oops.:O From the pretty damn long title above, you might think I'm in my mean-spirited, sarcastic mode. Like it or not, that's a part of me.*shrugs* If you're in a touchy mood, I suggest that you skip this entry.:P Other than that, I'm not responsible for any offenses (especially if you're one of these people.*big evil grin*) For those who have no idea (or choose to take the easy way out, as always :|), they tend to blame me for being such a difficult party. (Nothing new with that.*sneers*) The fact is, there are still guys out there who clearly have no idea how to strike up a normal conversation with a girl they've just met. Is it poor social skills/social awkwardness? Beats me. Perhaps someone out there can shed a little light on me here, so I don't have to be too...err, bitchy about this. I'm not sure if cultures also take part in this. (In fact, I hate to even think of such possibilities!) Sadly, maybe the educational background also plays a more significant role, like how they were raised and taught to treat women in certain ways - including similar expectations on my kind. (Ugh.*rolls eyes*) I've seen a lot of them in this part of society. Unfortunately, I've also come across some. Now, before you start assuming this is why I don't get boyfriends easily (which is so not related!*scoffs*), let me give you some of my past encounters with some random guys: SETTING - DAY. INT - THE GYM. My friend Gigi and I are working out on stationery bikes. A tall, bulky guy with thick, dark eyebrows and beard enters the room and starts using another stationery bike right next to me. He looks at a blank TV screen in front of me. Then he turns to me. Him:"Excuse me. Do you know how to turn that TV on?" Me:(stops and finds the remote control in a basket attached to the pole of my stationery bike, picks it up and turns the TV on) "There you go." (channel-surfs while working out again) "Which channel?" Him:"Thank you. Anything less boring and not too conversational, please." Me:(stops at a motorcycle race on TV)"Is this okay?" Him:(smiles)"Yes, thanks." Me:(puts the remote control back to its previous place)"Good choice. Boys and their toys." Him:(smiles again)"Not my kind, though." Me:(turns to him with a smile)"Really? What's yours?" Him: "A jet." Me:(drops jaw)"Whoa, you're a pilot." Him:(turns to me with a smile)"And an engineer."(extends his right hand)"I'm Daniel." If that still doesn't get you, here's another example: SETTING - NIGHT. INT/VENUE. There's a crowd by the empty stage before the rock concert. A tall, lean guy in an army jacket and a dark blue beanie cap is taking pictures of the stage. I'm standing next to him, waiting for my favourite band to come out and play with a smile on my face. Him:"Can't hardly wait for them, eh?" Me:(turns to him, surprised that he notices me)"Yeah." Him:"Coming here alone?"(snaps another shot) Me:(smiles at him)"That obvious, huh? I bet so are you." Him:"Yeah. You must really love the band." Me:"A fan."(gestures at his camera)"For your campus newspaper?" Him:(grins)"Nah, just a hobby." Me:"There's always a way to turn a hobby into a real profession." Him:"You got that right."(extends his right hand)"By the way, I'm Angga." Althought I've never heard from them again, at least they'd made good, non-intimidating and genuine impressions at that time. Now, let's compare with this one: SETTING - NIGHT. INT/INSIDE THE BUS. I'm sitting by the window, staring at the busy traffic outside. Suddenly, a tall, scrawny guy comes sitting next to me with a goofy grin. Him:"Hi. Can I know your name?" Me:(glares back suspiciously)"What for?" Him:"I just want to know you." Me:"Why?" Him:(sighs)"I've just told you why. Here."(extends his right hand)"My name is Ayes. Yours?" Me:(lies)"Ari." Him:(looks slightly annoyed)"Why won't you shake my hand?" Me:"I'm tired." Him:"Okay."(awkward silence)"So, Ari. Where do you live?" Me:"I move around a lot. Can't say much." Him:"Well, at least you can give me your phone number." Me:"Why should I?" Him:(looks exasperated)"Because I want to talk to you again." Me:(taps window harshly and yells)"Driver, stop here!"(gets up quickly to go away) Him:"Hey!"(grabs my hand, but I shove him and jump off the bus to flee for another one out there) And another example: SETTING - NIGHT. EXT/THE QUIET STREETS. I'm on way home when an ojek motorcyclist offers a ride. After we've made an agreement on the fare, I hop on and direct the way. Him:"Oh, you live there too? So do I."(sounds suspiciously interested)"Which one's your house?" Me:(lies)"I move around a lot. I just have to be there tonight." Him:"Really? Where do you live exactly? Everyone must have a home, you know." Me:"Yeah, but I move around a lot." Him:"Where do you come from, actually?" Me:"Jakarta." Him:"You don't sound like it. Which part of Jakarta?" Me:(sounds more annoyed than ever)"Does it have to be more specific?" Him:(equally annoyed)"Yes." Awkward silence all through the way. Then I ask him to drop me off at a 24/7 convenient store - a block away from home. There are still people there. After I get off and pay the fare, the ojek motorcyclist turns to me. Him:"Lady, I think you need to have a clearer life path." Me:"Sure, whatever."(yawns and waits until he's out of earshot)"Loser." I'd rather have him thought of me as a cold and distant bitch than an easy prey.*rolls eyes* Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but if you've ever had some sick experiences with stalkers taunting you about how they watch your every move and know every bit you do for the whole six months - think again. Perhaps the previous two guys weren't as menacing or dangerous as I'd suspected (and...ahem, feared.:|) Still, I'll never know and never want to. I'm not sorry for relying on my own instinct.(Believe me, it's saved me a lot in the past, thank God!) I know that in this part of society, it's always - ALWAYS - much easier for people to blame everything on women.:( It's dangerous out there, so why roam alone at night (when in fact you do get robbed behind locked doors as well!) Always be nice and friendly to others (but will they stand up for you if your rights get violated and some evil, manlike creatures take advantage of you because of that?!) What's wrong with these guys? Can't they take the hint? I hate hurting other people's feelings, but guys like the previous two those nights make me want to sing this loudly: "Go away now, let me go. Are you stupid, or just a little slow? Go away now, I've made myself clear." The Author/SBF/QB

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"EVIL FACES" I dream of faces; laughing and showing their fangs. I want them to die. (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:40 pm) "HE SAID" "You are such a freak!" Please, tell me that it's not true. He didn't mean that! (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:44 pm) "HER" If I could be her, I would thank God everyday that I have got you. (Jakarta, 11/12/2010 - 2:50 pm)

MY DECEMBER
Last weekend, I battled the damn flu and (finally!) won again. Of course, I had to cancel attending a wedding. I believe I had made the right decision. I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it if I had gone. Not much I did, though. I'd mostly been sleeping after taking the meds. (I guess I really needed that.:P) When I was awake, I did the usual stuff when I normally stay home. Catching up on lots of reading (newspaper, magazines, and a novel). Writing (mostly to clear off some space in my head.:P Listening to my favourite rock frequency on the local radio station (and some people still find it surprising that I can simply fall asleep through heavy metal tracks.*giggles*) Or watching a (local) cable. Work has been...well, work. We are soon coming to the end of the term. The new one starts in January. People have been planning and making fusses about the long holiday ahead. What about me? No idea.*shrugs* My ATM is thinning too soon (like, again). I haven't got any specific plan yet. I don't celebrate Christmas, and I'm also not that into New Year's Eve. Well, maybe I can just finish all the readings I can get. Or write some more and send it to magazines and stuff. I know that I haven't been doing that much lately. There are some things I have discovered (and probably rediscovered) lately. Sometimes we claim that we are still the same, yet we also change. Sometimes we also believe that we have changed, yet deep down we remain the same. I don't know if that makes sense to you, and I am aware that I don't explain that better. For now, that's how I mentally grasp. People are people. Do we really change overtime? Is it really a choice or something more subconscious than that - or can it be both? If that is the case, then why do we keep on doing the same things - including repeating the same mistakes? Do old habits die that hard, even the bad ones? What about the good things we'd like to keep for as long as we want to? Is it part of our subconscious and basic need for a comfort zone/a sense of familiarity, even when we know - deep down - that forever never truly exists in this mortal life? What can we do when such beautiful illusion ends? How are we prepared? How prepared are we? They say you'll be much happier once you have come to accept the fact that some things can get out of our hands, despite our constant effort to control everything in our lives. Well, I have accepted that fact, yet I can't seem to describe how I feel about it these days. Is it happiness? Numbness? Indifference? Perhaps it's ignorance.*shrugs* I don't know. Strangely, I'm just good at dismissing certain 'dangerous' feelings these days. How? Beats me. Based on past experiences, those are 'dangerous' feelings to have - knowing they'll only get me hurt in the end. So, no way. It's best not to deal with them way too much. It's much safer that way. Believe it or not, this is also the very first time someone thinks of me as a...goth. (What??:O LOL!) No, seriously. My friend Bear, who spent eight years in Santa Monica, thought so. How come? He said it was because I loved horror tales too much and my gloominess - which makes him uneasy sometimes. (He also implied that from my dark outfits I often wear to work.) He said that if I'd been hanging out with him back in L.A. during high school years, all his friends there would have thought so too. *giggles* Joza would laugh his head off if he heard this. People are people. We never really know people, do we?*sneers* Recently, I have just found out that I too can be such a hideous threat for insecure people. Ha! Who, me?:O Wow. I know my sarcasm doesn't always work.:P Don't worry, I'm past the disappointment. Now I hardly feel a thing about that particular person. Is she still a friend? Well, yeah. I guess.*shrugs* I'm not mad at her or anything, just plainly amused. Why? Despite her vile tongue and so-called tough exterior, she's that insecure.*sneers* I'm not the only one who thinks so. She knows how to put others down when their weaknesses appear, but is angry as hell when they find out about hers. What a typical bully. Funny how I used to think I could only find those characters in school. She has a morning side job as a film translator. When I first asked her if they had more vacancies for that, she shrugged off and said not yet - but promised to keep me posted. Not long after that, I heard from another viable source that she had offered a newbie at work. Okay. I get that. No problem. I have already known where she works.*big evil grin* She mentioned one TV show to the newbie which I also know. I know what I am going to do, but I don't expect too much for the result.:P And I'm not doing that just to get back at her. Hell, I am way too good for that! I can still do other stuff too, remember? Still, I won't be missing her at all when she resigns from her teaching job at the end of this year. It's not like she ever really enjoyed it anyway.:P I mean, it was deadly obvious. She complained a lot about salary and stuff! These days, I tend to pay more attention to what people don't say - instead of the things they bring up. Thankfully, I am now more sensible to just observe...silently. The Author/SBF/QB

TALES OF A QUIRKY BACHELORETTE (AND DAILY STUFF SHE COMES ACROSS)
Yes, this is me.:P I'm the kind to experiment on my writing a lot. Some may like it, others may not. That is to be expected.*shrugs* Typical. How am I a 'quirky bachelorette'?*big evil grin* Well, despite my Javanese cultural heritage, I am damn loud and proud to be an SBF (single, brown female). I mean, why the hell not? This has absolutely nothing to do with over-confidence nor arrogance. (Only shallow-minded idiots think so, and sadly they still exist and I have to deal with them everyday.*rolls eyes*) All my life, I have come across many people who think I'm weird or such a freak. Never mind.*sneers* Let them all believe whatever the hell they like about me. As long as I hurt no one in the process, I have every right in the world to be who I am. No one should ever take that away from me, especially since I'm not the type to give up without a fight. yours truly, The Author/SBF/QB

THE ONE IN THE EMPTY ROOM
What do you seek to find? Nothing's important here. Only a thinker, overcome by her head's contents. You're searching for the sun inside this tiny room, while the occupant is busy calming the voices silence. You can't even shake her with your reprimands. It's hard for you to understand. To you, she's an anomali cursing her scars and covered in solitude. Empathy and sympathy are rare. Your world is fair, away from rage and heartache. It's a shame, in your eyes she's just a loser in pain not a fighter struggling to rise again... Still looking? It's no use, because you won't even acknowledge her blues.

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"PROLOGUE" I can always start a prologue of new faces but you're my favourite! (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "NEXT CHAPTER?" I would like to know if you think I'm still worthy of your next chapter. (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "EPILOGUE" Please, don't leave me here! It would break my heart to be in your epilogue. (Jakarta, 26/11/2010 - 6:00 pm)

SBF: "GUINNESS' ARTHUR'S DAY: FROM A FRONT ROW AUDIENCE"
I meant to write this sooner, but I must have been exhausted. Don't worry, this time I came back in one solid piece - alive and kicking.*big evil grin* I didn't order any Guinness, so nothing gross happened afterwards. I had to take care of myself, remember? I came there alone. I left after lunch. It was still about two o'clock on my watch. The rain was pouring down, so I had to wear my brother's white raincoat. The traffic was horrid, worsened by the rain. (Typical situation in Jakarta.*rolls eyes*) Some bus drivers pissed me off, because it looked as if they'd have rather stayed home than working their duties.*scoffs* By the time the second bus dropped me off at Sudirman, Central Jakarta, I gave up. I took a taxi to Epicentrum, Kuningan. I got there at five. I showed my ticket and my black rubber band bracelet to the bouncers before they let me in. There were already people waiting. I joined them and scanned my surroundings. My standard procedure. You must be (more) aware when you're alone in public. The show started at six, said the ticket in my hand. A group of girls - obviously Lifehouse fans from their loud conversation earlier nearby, talked to me and we ended up introducing ourselves to each other. Fitri, Zi, and a tall, slender Caucasian girl with short dark hair and glasses named Holly (or was it Hallie?) When another bouncer in black announced that the door to the main stage was finally open, our conversation was abruptly cut. I began running down the long hallway to that door with the rest of the audience, like the early contestants for Amazing Race - so eager to get to the front row.*giggles* And I'd simply amazed myself. There was a split second when my eyes suddenly darted down and caught a sight of an emerging concrete (step, bench, unfinished pillar??) object somewhere in the middle of the way. I jumped over it and landed nicely, just in time with a loud thump next to me. I glanced sideways to find some poor, unlucky dude stumbling hard face first. Ouch!:| But I didn't stop. It was probably the rising adrenalin in me, because - under normal circumstances - it would be quite impossible for me to run and hop that fast with a heavy raincoat tied around my waist. I don't know, maybe I had a hidden talent to be an action stunt.*shrugs* Hehe.*big evil grin* Of course, I got to be on the front row. I hung my bag on the railing and tied my arm around with the strap. So far, it's been effective enough to keep your spot on the front row. The show started at seven, with three local indie bands - ColaFloat from Bandung, Kalih from DIY Yogyakarta, and Bella and Friends. After that, Pure Saturday performed for about 45 minutes. As predicted, they played their eternal hit "Kosong" (Empty). Superman Is Dead (SID) came next. They also played for 45 minutes. This Balinese punk band didn't forget to play all their hits, including "Kuta Rock City". I'm not too crazy about punk, but they played great that night. From behind the pretty transparent black curtain at the corner of the stage near me, I could see...Lifehouse standing to watch the other performers. Rick, Bryce, Jason, and Ben. Bryce even smiled and waved at the VIP crowd in the balcony across from where he stood. Rivermaya performed for one hour straight.:D It was my very first time seeing them live on stage and I was very happy. But before they showed up, a reporter on stage took a picture of me holding a paper with a message in huge block letters: "TO: RIVERMAYA MAY I REQUEST A SONG? YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE? THANKS. LOVE, RUBY" Their bass player Japs Sergio had noticed that first. He smiled at me as I grinned back at him, pointing at the message for emphasis. Still, I waited patiently, enjoying the rest of their songs. "I need to be near you, but...somebody owns you now. I'll try to live somehow..." :'-(... *snifs* So sad... Enough.:P They made a toast for Arthur Guinness for a while before carrying on with the show. Then Japs Sergio nudged the singer Mike Elgar (a sexy hunk with thick dark eyebrows and a nice voice!) They both turned to me. Mike went wide-eyed. "Oops," he said through his microphone. That was when it became silent for a while. "We have a request here." Mike came over to the edge of the stage and...asked a favour from a bouncer nearby to get him my request paper. I could hear the crowd go, "Awww!" as he received it.:) "Is it okay?" I called out, and he replied,"Yeah, sure." And yes, he read my request out loud.:D I could tell the audience agreed with the choice of the song, because they were screaming with excitement. That ballad is popular here! "Ruby, thank you," Mike said sincerely as he gazed at me. My already tired knees went weak like jelly that I had to hang on tighter to the railing in front of me. LOL!:P "Thank you," I shouted back joyfully. With his acoustic guitar, Mike played a bit of Green Day's "21 Guns". We all sang together.:D After that, they finally ended their part of show with the song I'd been wanting to hear in a long time: "Close your eyes Dry your tears and when nothing seems clear, you'll be safe here..." I couldn't help smiling while singing along to it.:D It's going to be something I will never forget. Lifehouse finally performed for about two hours. It's a double YAY for me!:D Again, I took another request paper - this time for them: "TO: LIFEHOUSE MAY I REQUEST A SONG? 'BLIND' OR 'BREATHING'? THANKS. LOVE, RUBY" The played all their popular songs. "Hanging By A Moment", "Spin", "Wash", "Take Me Away","Broken","The First Time","All In","Halfway Gone","Falling In","You and Me"...you name it.:P Hehe. Even Jason played a medley acoustic of "Simon", "Sick Cycle Carousel", and "Everything". Lucky for me, they also played one of my requests.:D Bryce, the cute blond bassist (and also the tallest in the band) noticed my paper and smiled at me. I grinned back hopefully. "This song is not that popular in America," Jason suddenly confessed. "We were surprised when we first played this in Philippines and people sang along." We waited, anticipating. "It turns out that you guys also know this song," Jason went on. He was smiling a lot that night. "This song is called...Blind!" The crowd and I cheered. "Yeah, I noticed your request paper too," Jason added with a grin. The song is like my personal soundtrack these days: "After all this time, I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here. And my love for you was blind, but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you would ever know... And part of me died when I let you...go..." :'-(... *snifs* That was beautiful... The concert finally ended at one. Lifehouse thanked the audience for coming and enjoying their songs. I shouted thank you to Bryce for noticing my request paper and he just smiled back. A tall guy behind me shouted, "Thanks for coming! Come back soon!" Indeed, I hope so too.:) Amen... The Author/SBF

SBF:A NOTE BEFORE THE CONCERT
There is another audition for dubbers in my school.:D Marty suggested that I give it a try, especially after I'd done the previous one with my CAE teacher Amber. It was fun.:) I am sure going to enjoy that again if they pick me. Dubbing feels like acting without having to show your face. I am also running out of money again.:( Why so soon? Well, let's just say some has been (reasonably) spent, some borrowed.:P What else? Shanti complained about her friend trying to set her up with a random guy she didn't even like - without her agreement nor permission. I could totally understand her. If that ever happened to me (may God forbid, though), I'd be very, very pissed. Why? That was impolite and inappropriate.:( I am sure that her friend must have had good intentions, but she did it wrong. She should have asked Shanti first! What do I personally think of matchmaking? It depends.*shrugs* Sometimes it works, sometimes it just doesn't. Some people rely on it so much, but me? I don't know. Based on my past experiences, there have been heavy expectations on it (like, it had to work out somehow - one way or another.) Especially if your parents do that to you.:| (Hmm...) If I ever get myself into it again, it will be because I want to see how it might go. And I only trust one person in the world to be The Cupid (despite how the result may come :P), because it seems to me that he knows better what kind of a guy is the right one for me. So, I am kind of challenging him with this assignment. (You know who you are.;) Hehe.*big evil grin*) No, he is not someone from my family.:P In fact, I don't even ask my own family to do this for me. It's basically pride, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love them. It's just that, there are times when it's hard for them to at least try to understand me. They think they know me, but how much? (I know. Do we ever really, really know people - blood-related or else?) My point is, feelings can't be compelled. Love can't be compelled, only kept or released. Not everybody is that lucky to find someone they love who also feels the same in return. It's not bitterness, just the truth. You can always thank God if you are that lucky. You don't have to be such a heavy skeptic, a love cynic, or...romantically-challenged. Romantically-challenged? Hmm.:P If they have AA meetings, why not RCA instead? "Hi, my name is ****. I am romantically-challenged." "Hi, ****!" *sneers* I wonder what kind of a therapist they'd be having, and how long the therapy would take. Haha. It's funny that I am only much, much happier when I don't talk about love. Is it normal? Hell, I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to give a damn. I have accepted the fact that it always, always works better for everyone else but me. Why brooding about it? It's not the end of the world for me, eh? Never! There are still many other things I can do in the world while I am still around. Perhaps love is just not part of it. No big deal, right? Right?? Whatever. I am having fun tonight and that's for sure!:D The Author/SBF

SBF: ALL FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT!
It is going to be a busy weekend for me.:D That is alright. That is all I really want (and need) these days. All for the entertainment! I have finally bought the ticket for Arthur's Day on December 4. Well, actually my brother did that for me - with my money, of course. It is quite a long story, but I will shorten it for you. I had been trying to get to Aquarius Music Store in Mahakam, South Jakarta since Monday. (That is where people can buy the tickets.) The problem was, I was too tired to make it that far after work. Plus, Mz.D offered an invitation I couldn't refuse: sushi-time!:D Yummy. Then I woke up late on Tuesday morning. I thought I could just make it after work. To my dismay, the lady behind the counter of Aquarius flatly said that the ticket seller had gone home at seven. (I got there at 8:30.:|) My brother had to deliver the catering orders on Wednesday morning, so I tagged along with him...to East Jakarta. (Ouch, that far.) By the time we went back and were on our way to Aquarius, the horrible traffic had practically limped the streets of Fatmawati. The digital clock in the car showed 12:00. Lunch-time crowd filled the entire streets. "Give me your money and I'll buy it for you," he suddenly said. "That way, you won't have to be late for work." Panda thought I was crazy enough for attending the concert all alone (especially since it is a '21+' kind of audience with Guiness as the sponsor.) Well, he wasn't the first person to have thought so. Nothing new with that.*shrugs* Join me or let me be.:P I don't see any harm in having fun with myself alone. Of course I must always learn from past experiences. Besides, nobody will always be there for you, even when you need them so bad. That is what I have learned really hard in the past. That is what I keep on seeing. Perhaps that is what I have to accept. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about that these days. Maybe it's because I don't rely on my feelings that much anymore. I don't feel like doing so. I believe that is the only good thing that gets me through these days. Sunday is Bear's wedding in Kemang, South Jakarta.:) Of course I will be there. It is the last month of this year. I am sure some of you are preparing for your Christmas and New Year holidays. I don't make too ambitious resolutions anymore. I have had enough of disappointments.:| The ones I have are still the same like last year: 1.Earn more money. 2.Be more productive in writing. The rest is always up to God.:) The Author/SBF

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"FLY" It's your time to fly. No one should keep you grounded. You've earned this great flight. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:00 pm) "DON'T PATRONIZE ME!" Don't patronize me! You know nothing about me! You just think you do. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:10 pm) "PASSIVE RESISTANCE" I may keep quiet. That doesn't mean I agree with your opinion. (Jakarta, 20/11/2010 - 6:10 pm)

SBF: REASONS FOR A GRIN :D
1.Believe it or not, I have got a natural (and rather odd :P) ability to...appear 10 kilograms (22 pounds) lighter than I actually am! How come? I don't know.*shrugs* When I told my friends about my recent weight (something that I will never, ever tell my own mother - knowing how she will possibly react to that!), they were genuinely surprised...and in complete disbelief. "No way." "That's what the scale said, the last time I checked." "I thought you were much lighter than that." Ha! I wish.:P I still don't know why this can happen. Perhaps it has something to do with my big bones and slight muscles from my not-so-regular workouts all those long walks. (I mean, let's just face it. I have never been and will never be petite.:P It doesn't run in my family.) 2.This is my other natural ability. For people who don't know me, it is kind of hard to tell.:P I can appear younger than my real age too.*big evil grin* It has been that way for years. When I was in college, one night I went to a club with my friends - and a bouncer still asked for my ID. I was already 21. After college graduation, I helped Mom with her catering business and one of her clients told me what a cute little girl I was. (Huh??:P) When she asked where I studied, Mom replied, "She's already graduated from college." "Oh, my. Really?" My jealous sister thought it was only because I acted childish most of the time for my age. (When in fact, she is the one who could look 26 when she just entered college.*big evil grin*) But then again, only God knows the truth. There is a significant difference between 'being mature' with 'JUST looking older'.*sneers* Some people think that my brother looks older than me too.:P Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he is taller and grows his mustache and beard. Whenever we hang out together, there are people who look at me and turn to my brother with this typical question: "Your little sister?" "Nah, she's older." When that happens, I often tease my brother,"Maybe it's a sign that you need to shave." "Yeah, yeah." *giggles* 3.I can't hardly wait for the next pay-day on Monday, because I am definitely buying a ticket to see "Arthur's Day Celebration" at Epicentrum, Kuningan, Central Jakarta. It is on December 4, starting at 6:00 pm onwards. The pre-sale ticket is only Rp 200,000. Not bad.:D I would like to see local indie rock bands Superman Is Dead and Pure Saturday - and also Rivermaya from Philippines. However, the rock band I have been wanting to see live in concert since college years is...LIFEHOUSE!:D YAY!!:D The Author/SBF

SBF: AN OLD DREAM NEVER DIES...:P
"Everywhere you go, there are stories waiting to be told. All you need to do is keep your eyes - and minds - open." (Riza Primadi) I still remember what my college lecturer said during Broadcasting Journalism.:P Ironically, I also flunked that twice I had to attend his class three times. I bet I'd confused him pretty much back then. Earlier this month, I sent a resume to the same magazine which has rejected my applications more than once before. I don't know why. Is there a thin, fine line between constant persistence with stubbornness? All I know is that they are looking for their online crews. I love writing and I am looking for a morning job as well. Plus, the bills keep coming, but that's nothing new. (Also, that is not something I'll ever share on any kind of interviews - no matter how desperate I might be. Eww.) Still, I don't feel like letting my teaching job go. Can't I do both? May I?? I know, I know.:( I am way too greedy sometimes. In the end, it is still about choices we have to make. We just can't have it all, can we? I have no regrets, though.:) I have tried my best, at least. When I was interviewed by the chief editor herself, she told me that they were looking for full-time journalists. As much as I dream about becoming one, I still have what some of you might know as work ethics. We've been running out of teachers, and one of my friends is resigning next month. I can't just quit and leave a black hole. Besides, my previous contract still ends in April...next year. Still, it's a good thing that they didn't reject me because they thought I was incompetent for the job. It is a matter of principles. However, there's a good sign as well. They have noticed my short stories in some of their previous issues. The chief editor seemed to notice just how much I enjoy writing, so she gave me an equally exciting challenge. She was asking me to create a blog (in Indonesian :P) and write about the (possibly) interesting everyday life I witness. Maybe, just maybe - I might earn a good spot in their next issues...and hopefully gain more public recognition. I am hoping for the best.:) So help me God. The Author/SBF

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"FUNNY?" Isn't it funny? I keep on chasing the time and become its tail. (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 7:45 pm) "HER LOAD" If only knew the load she has to carry on her tired shoulders... (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 8:05 pm) "THE BEAST IN HER MIRROR" How can I tell her that she deserves to be loved? She thinks she's ugly!:( (Jakarta, 17/11/2010 - 8:05 pm)

SBF: MOTORCYCLE MAYHEM
I have always wanted my own motorcycle. I mean, I still do. However, when I own one, I hope I don't end up doing these two things I am about to tell you: "Dude, This Ain't No L.A!" That was my very first thought when I witnessed this unpleasant incident during my last trip to Bogor. It was a clear and mild Saturday morning. My friends and I were on a public minivan on our way to IPB (Institut Pertanian Bogor - Bogor's Institute of Agricultures), when we suddenly heard a loud siren from the back. We switched our attention through the back window in unison. It was not a police car nor an ambulance. (No, it was not a coroner's minivan either, because they also use sirens when they want to deliver a body/corpse A.S.A.P to the destination. Sadly, it rarely helps them to beat the traffic.) It was just some dude riding his shiny, well-polished Harley Davidson with his chin up. (I doubt that people from L.A mostly do that too, personally. I don't know, so please enlighten me.) I got the attitude. I just didn't understand the point of seeking such attention. Then, to our surprise, the HD rider knocked over another biker from the opposite direction. The other biker managed to set foot on the ground to stop the fall, but - unfortunately - the passenger behind him was carrying a large wooden cupboard when that happened. The cupboard flew and crashed against the asphalt road. The HD rider rode off, not even bothering to look back for once. It was like, I don't know. Maybe he had left his manners at home that morning. Or perhaps he had thought that being a real bad guy was cool. Unfortunately, his irky attitude was no match to his precious ride.:P You could say that God worked pretty fast, because the next morning we saw the same HD rider being pulled over by a local police officer and...given a ticket. Talk about a quick karma...*sneers* 'Aargh!' I often ride with an ojek biker to work, especially when I am in a hurry. (Ojek: a motorcyclist who can take you to any of your destination for an amount of fee.) Honestly, I hate the traffic and sometimes I can't stand the heat outdoor, despite the fact that I have been living here all my life. It happened on Tuesday. As soon as I got off the motorcycle and paid the fare, I headed to the school building nearby. Only a couple of steps were taken when suddenly: "Aaargh!" I couldn't lift my right foot. I looked down and - to my horror - saw the motorcycle's front wheel on top of it, squeezing it to the ground. "Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I'm sooo sorry!" The pale-faced, obviously guilt-stricken ojek biker quickly backed away. My foot was now stinging. Did it break? I tried moving it carefully. It didn't hurt that much. A good sign, I guess. Thank God. "I am very, very sorry." "It's okay." I somehow managed to shrug it off, knowing it was just a rather silly accident. At least he had not run off like that HD rider in Bogor. Only then I had to rub my foot with some cajun oil, because it got swollen at night. I tried not walking too much until I got better. Oh, well. The Author/SBF

SBF: TOUR THE BOGOR
The title says it all.:) In short, I am now broke from my previous trip to Bogor, West Java last weekend. Some say it's not even an actual 'out-of-town' trip, since all you have to do is shift a few kilometres away from the south corner of Jakarta and there you are.*giggles* Still, I had fun.:) It was exhausting, but worth the trip and all the spent money. (Although...well, let's just be honest. Now I am worried about money.:| It's still a long, long way before my next pay-day.:P) Gigi, Panda, and I went together after work on Friday night. I was grateful for Panda, though.:) He's also a Bogor resident like Leese. He knows the town as much, so he can also be our reliable tour guide. (And indeed, he was.:D) We spent the night at Leese's family's house. (I mean, only Gigi and I. Panda lives with his family a few kilometres away.:P) Saturday was very hectic. We spent the whole day in IPB (Institut Pertanian Bogor - Bogor's Institute of Agricultures), where Leese studied. Her brother Denis still studies there and was also one of the committees for their English Competition that weekend. With my Broadcasting degree, they didn't put me as a judge for the spelling bee contest as planned earlier. No problem.;) They put me for the newsreading one instead. I was working with Leese and a brilliant college guy from Tasikmalaya named Ferry. Gigi and Panda were working together for the spelling bee. After the event, the committees gave us our certificates...and baby cactus!:D Aww. They are really, really cute. The one I've got is shaped like a bunny, so I ended up calling it 'Spike' - a.k.a. 'The Spiky Bunny'.:P Not very original, I know. I know they didn't pay us with money, but that's okay. It was more about the experience (and I also got to visit IPB for the very first time.:) A nice, cozy university with lots of green plants.) We spent the rest of the day at BTM (Bogor Trade Market). We had a good karaoke time and met Evelyn and her boyfriend Daniel during dinner at the food court. By the time Leese, Gigi, and I reached Leese's home, we were already too exhausted to do anything else. Gigi and I soon crashed...hard.:P Sunday was the final round. I felt sleepy all morning until Panda nudged me and offered me some coffee. Leese couldn't come because she had an exam from the online course she's taking. (Exam on Sunday.:| Wow.) I was only working with Ferry to decide on the winner. After that, Gigi and I hung out with Panda at his house for a while. We didn't plan to go home so late, since it would be more difficult to find a bus back to Jakarta. Panda has a cute hamster and a huge collection of comic books. He likes novels too, but he prefers comic books better. Gigi and I went home by bus. We separated somewhere in Sawangan. I went to have dinner alone first at eight in Gintung. I was starving that my head was spinning. By the time I reached home, it was dead quiet. Typical. I put my travel bag down and placed Spike on one of the glass tables in the living room. Then I changed my clothes and washed my face before going to sleep. Too tired. I didn't even open my eyes when Mom came in to drop some clean clothes. The Author/SBF

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"AGE AND MATURITY" Age's just a number. It doesn't always define true maturity. (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:11 am) "EWW!" Watch your mouth, Mister! This lady is disgusted with perverts like you! (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:16 am) "MY NAME" Don't call me baby! I have a name, remember? You must respect me! (Jakarta, 7/11/2010 - 10:16 am)

SBF: THE FINE 29 (DINE BUT MINUS THE WINE!:P)
Sometimes I hate myself for being so bloody weak.:( This has been a sore point since my childhood. Mom used to tell the whole world that: "If it's her sister, she can stand the whole day without a morsel. When the day ends, she then says she's hungry and eats lots. But she never gains more weight nor falls ill because of that." Good for her, then.:| When it came to talking about me, Mom would go something like this: "If she passes her meal time, she gets so pale and powerless that we have to rush for something she can eat quick - or else she'll get sick. She can't miss a meal time or else it'll be a disaster for her." Thanks, Mom.:( That's always been me. Up until now, I am still disappointed with myself. When I was a kid, some people who didn't know about this were insensitive enough. They'd make corny jokes like: "No wonder you're so fat. All you ever think about is food." Some who knew were genuinely surprised. They even refused to believe it. They'd say stuff like: "How come? I thought you were strong enough, because you're so big." Ha-ha.*sneers* I wonder if there really is a correlation between being 'big' (or 'fat', the word they prefer more often *rolls eyes*) and the ability to miss your meal time without wanting to faint. Seriously, people can be so bloody stupid and judgemental. Crash diet only leads me to ER. No shit. Been there, felt that. Enough is enough. The doctors' observations were always with the same conclusion: a drastic, sudden drop of blood pressure! Dad used to think of it as one of my unbearable weaknesses. ("You have to be strong and never show any sign of weakness.") Nothing new. I swear to you, when it happened in public, he seemed more upset and embarrassed than concerned. It was as if I'd ruined the fun or his image or some sort. So, if you are into prissy princesses who fret about their weight and only order salad and non-fat stuff for your date, then don't look for me. I am not risking my health for some sick, shallow-minded people who won't accept me for all of me. There.:P I've said it. That comes from a girl who prefers a box of chocolate over a bouquet of flowers from any guy. (Of course, silly! I don't eat flowers.*big evil grin*) Anyway, I've just turned 29 on November 4. Happy birthday to me.:D I got new shoes from my sister and my aunt. My brother was the very first person who congratulated me. Mom made her famous Javanese dish: a 'tumpeng' (consisted of coconut flavoured yellow rice, roasted chicken, spicy eggs, potato buns, some livers, and beef. Mega yummy!:D) Friday happened to be the most exhausting day of the week.:( I'd been teaching since morning. Thankfully, we shortened the five o'clock classes. It was the school's 33rd anniversary. There was a special concert in Senayan that night. Most of us went there. Unfortunately, the traffic had been hellish. Panda sat next to the driver while the ladies were squeezed in the back (Selvi, Evelynth, Pitbull, and me!) Totally cramped! Sheer torture, because I was hungry too. I'd tried to block out the feeling by joking around with them to pass the time. (Yes, we even took pictures of each other in there.*giggles*) But soon the migraine got the best of me.:( I guess that's why I didn't enjoy the night that much. Even Panda's pizza bread didn't help. It was already too late! Plus, the hot dog behind the building was ridiculously expensive. No way! I had only Rp 21,000 left in my wallet. How was the show? So so, I guess. But then, I'm never too crazy about teen, bubblegum pop princesses. I prefer rock musicians. Nothing personal, just my personal taste.:P More friends joined us. Bear. Gigi and her funny artist boyfriend Froggy. By then, I couldn't take the headache anymore. I sat leaning back against the wall and closed my eyes. I guess I must've dozed off for a while, despite the noise from the stage and the loud buzz in my ears. So dizzy.:( My eyes were photosensitive again. I half-opened them when I felt something warm draped around me. I vaguely saw our petite receptionist Indah, but could barely make out what she was saying. I noticed that it was her red jacket on me. Good. The AC in the building was too cold for my condition. After the show, I staggered outside with them, unable to think clearly. I had to concentrate repeating the words inside my head: Don't throw up. Don't faint. Do none of both... While they were still discussing where to eat for our late dinner (it was already past eleven!), one of them told me to sit down and I did. When Pitbull introduced me to a seriously handsome teacher named Reza from another branch school in Sawangan, I silently cursed myself for being too sick to give him a better first impression. But then again, so what if he found out that I found him attractive? It's not like I'm actually going to chase him or some sort. Who says only guys can be that obvious to girls, but not the other way around?:P I think I'm lucky that I've found the right friends. I must've worried Bear in his car on our way to East Lot for dinner, because I heard him telling me this: "Go to sleep, Kitty. I'll wake you up when we get there." Dinner felt like an injection of strength. Fried rice and sausages saved me!:D After midnight, Bear dropped me off in Tanah Kusir, because he still had to meet his fiancee Decee somewhere. I caught a cab straight home. I had to ditch my hang out plan with Gigi, Froggy, and their friends on Saturday night. My head was still spinning and I needed more sleep. I'd rather not risk it. The Author/SBF

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"INSENSITIVE" I have to say it. You are so insensitive. Oh, lousy leaders! (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:00 pm) "COWARD!" Running away, Sir? I am not surprised at all. That's all you do best. (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:15 pm) "YOUR FALL" Why won't you step down and face all your failures like a real man should? (Jakarta, 30/10/2010 - 4:15 pm)

SBF: INSENSITIVITY AMONG TRAGEDIES
I am really not in a good mood these days.:( I feel like raising my flag but only half a pole. My country has been mourning. If you like catching up on world news, I am pretty sure you have heard about the major flood in Wasior, West Papua. The earthquake and tsunami in Mentawai, West Kalimantan. The eruption of Merapi Mountain in Central Java, around Sleman and near Jogjakarta. And more flood in Jakarta too recently, but the last one doesn't surprise me. Shamefully, I must admit that we have never, ever really learned.*blushes* How come? Where do we go from here? Hundreds have lost their lives. Thousands have evacuated to safer spots and refugees' campsites. More are still reported missing. And so far, the numbers are still going up. First and foremost, I would like to send my greatest gratitude to everyone who have been quick and responsive enough to help and support the surviving victims. If you are one of them, I could never thank you enough. I know that I haven't done much myself. I wish I could do more. However, some people in the government here have been sadly...insensitive. Do we still need more reasons to be apathetic these days? I am not going to mention any names here. What for? I am tired. I am disgusted by their insensitivity and their sick, stupid statements on the news. So far, all they do is enrage the citizens even more - especially the surviving victims. Here are some of their dumbest, most insensitive statements: "Flood? If it's still below 30 cm (11.8 inches), why report that to me? It's still a puddle!" (That came from a guy who had claimed to be "the expert of everything - even the flood" during his election campaign to become the governor. Well, he can say it to the faces of the family who lost their college daughter. She'd been walking through the muddy water when she got accidentally dragged down into a large sewer hole and had been drowned for two hours before they finally found her dead body.*shakes head*) "It's the lousy draining system and the extreme weather that has caused the hard rain and the major flood!" (Yeah, we know that already, Sir.:| Any real solutions yet?) "If they know that place is potential for tsunami, then why did they still live there?" (Okay, I am lost. Does that mean they want to give new homes to the tsunami victims or what??) "We don't want our plan to visit Greece re-scheduled or postponed JUST BECAUSE of Merapi's eruption and the tsunami in Mentawai!" (That came from - yes, people!*rolls eyes* - The House of The Representatives.) Sorry, I know it won't change a damn thing here, but I can't pretend I am not mad right now. Please pray for us, people.:( The Author/SBF

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"STAGNATION" Stagnation is scary. It stops you from evolving, growing properly. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm) "WALK AWAY" No hard feelings, please, if I choose to walk away. I just need to grow. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm) "TICK TOCK" Nothing's forever. Make the most of each moment before time runs out. (24/10/2010 - 2:00 pm)

SBF: A NIGHT ON CIPULARANG HIGHWAY
My brother's girlfriend Dindi told me this story.:P She said it was based on a true event, related to early rumours about Cipularang highway. First of all, Cipularang is a highway that connects Jakarta straight to Bandung, West Java. It was built sometime around early 2000's. Since then, strange things have been happening around there... One Friday night, a family was traveling from Jakarta to Bandung. The father was driving his wife and their seven-year-old son through Cipularang. At that time, not many cars passed by. Suddenly the boy chirped: "Mommy, I need to go." "We're not there yet, sweetie," his mother calmly told him. "Just hold on a little, okay?" "But I can't," he wailed anxiously. "I really need to go." His father gave in and pulled over by the curb. The mother and the son got out of the car together. She carried her flashlight and switched it on, directing the light on the bushes a few steps ahead at the corner. The boy rushed towards them and soon disappeared behind one. "Be careful, it's dark there," his mother warned him. "And don't take too long." "Okay, Mom." Five minutes after that, the boy returned. Then the family continued their journey to Bandung. Something had changed the boy abruptly since that night. He had grown quiet and pale. He didn't want to eat nor play any games. He didn't want to buy any toys. He didn't want to do anything. His parents were worried. It was so unlike him. "I'm afraid that he might be sick," his mother told his father. "I think we should go home soon and take him to the doctor." The boy's father agreed, so they shortened their holiday. The evening after that, they drove back to Jakarta - through Cipularang. But then the same thing happened again. "Mommy, I need to go." Just like the previous night, the father gave in and pulled over to the curb. The mother and the son got out of the car. She used the same flashlight and shone it to the bushes. The boy ran towards them and soon disappeared in the darkness. "Don't take too long, okay?" "Okay, Mom." However, this time the boy didn't return. After ten minutes, his mother started calling out his name. No reply. She called out again, louder this time. Still, no reply. Feeling worried, she told her husband in the car. But when they searched the bushes, they realized to their horror that their son was nowhere to be found. Where was he? Suddenly, the father's cellphone rang. He answered it. It was from the nearest police station. An obviously concerned and suspicious officer informed them that their son was in the station. They were shocked even more. How was that possible?! The police station was so very far from where they'd stopped. When they reached the police station, they found their son sitting in there. When the boy saw them, he started crying. "Why did you leave me?" "H-how did you get here so fast?" his mother stammered. A uniformed officer stepped in to explain. "Sir, Ma'am," he said gently, "your son has been here for a couple of nights already. We found him wandering the corner of the highway alone." When the parents looked at their crying boy, an eerie sensation ran down their spines. He was still wearing the same clothes he had - the very first night they passed Cipularang... The Author/SBF

SBF: HOW TO SPOT NARCISSISM IN OTHERS, AND - OOPS! - MAYBE YOU :P
First of all I have to admit the fact that most of my people here tend to underrate the meaning of 'narcissism' or being a 'narcissist'.:P For example, with the Facebook era - where you can freely post your pictures and videos of yourself - they seem to label people (more) easily as 'narcissists'. If you are not familiar with Greek mythology, you can look up 'Narcissus' on wikipedia and google it.(Like I have.:P) I even watch "Criminal Minds" for more references, since some of their cases are inspired by the actual ones. That is why narcissism is not only socially disturbing, but can also be dangerous. You don't need to continue reading this if you are already familiar with the issue. But still, allow me to recap what I have already known so far about narcissism: 1.Mirror is their no.1 BFF.*big evil grin* It is okay to check our appearances on a regular basis. We all do that. It becomes a problem if you spend too much time admiring your own reflections instead of reflecting what truly lies within your soul.(Yes, like the original Narcissus.:P) But then again, why should a narcissist even bother what others think? In their eyes, they are always perfect that they can't hardly get their eyes off of themselves! 2.They dress immaculately. High-ends from head to feet. It is good to impress others that way, especially in the business world. It becomes real trouble when they spend more on it than how much they actually can make. Well, so what if they can look flawless on the outside and gain admiration from others? After all, that is the idea.:P 3.Narcissists can also possibly be social climbers. Like point no.2, they tend to portray themselves as better/higher/smarter than who and what they really are. They absorb their attention to those they deem as 'high-class society' and imitate the attitude. They undermine those they see as unworthy of their attention. Beware, they hate competitions. If they have to be in one, they never play fair. They can't stand the idea and fact that there are other people better than them at some points in life. They must remain the best, one way or another.*rolls eyes* 4.They are charming at first. They win friends and admirers fast and easy, but also lose them even faster and easier. This usually happens if people are soon smart enough to notice their 'other side' and start wondering what have made a narcissist so bloody attractive and interesting at the very beginning. 5.They do little stuff and demand bigger appreciations. They even play their most convincing "sincerity" card and can make you look as if you are ungrateful to them once you are not so nice to them anymore. In other words, they love playing "poor, nice victims" while you are "the bad guy". 6.Ironically, they never say thanks for your help because they don't find the need to. Even if they do, that is so rare and you can't even detect any sign of sincerity in their tone. 7.Instead of using 'please', they like telling people what to do. It is good to be king, eh? No need to feel guilty.*sneers* 8.Speaking of guilt, you can never win any argument with them. Even if you are (proven) right and they are wrong, they'd rather swallow poison to their death than saying sorry or at least admitting that you are right. If they (seem to) give in to your argument, they make your victory taste like dirt by retorting: "Fine, have it your way! Whatever you say." They don't care. For them, it is always other people's faults. 9.They demand to be loved for who they are, but never forget the mistakes you have made in the past. Once you have wronged them, no matter how often you have apologized - they will always, ALWAYS dig the same graves and shove the old skeletons at you every time you have a fight. Relevant or else, that is. 10.They lack or have no sense of empathy for others and remorse. It is all about them. The world revolves around them. It is their centre stage with a single spotlight on them. Whether there are audience or hacklers, it doesn't matter. To them, we are that dispensable. They only keep blinded fans and living tails, not honest friends with real personalities and principles. 11.Same thing when it comes to having a relationship. It is never equal, because their partner has to be less dominant/submissive. All sorts of abuse can happen behind closed doors, because no one is ever really good enough for them. Their partner must cater to all their needs and be forever thankful to them for at least noticing them in the first place. Why do narcissists still need a relationship? To appear normal in society, as if that is part of their grand achievement. 12.They only say "I love you" when you give them what they want. Only God knows what they really mean by that. As far as it shows, they only know how to love themselves, completely. 13.If they go too far like committing crimes, they make sure nobody knows. If the witnesses can put them in serious danger, they will kill them. They tend to use their best instinct: flight, instead of fight. If they are caught, they can spill out all excuses until their stock is empty - before they choose to kill themselves just to get away from their (supposedly) responsibilities. How to deal with them? If it is bloody necessary (you may determine how from the previous points above), you can break their personal mirror and force them to face their own beasts. But if they don't bother your life too much, I am sure you've got better things to do.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF

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"PRINCIPLES" I'm not a 'yes-man'. I have my own principles that I just won't break. (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 10:40 pm) "THANKLESS LOVE" What good is a love if you can't even respect the agreed commitment? (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 11:00 pm) "THE UNAPPRECIATED BLESSING" Love is a blessing, but I have seen it wasted, taken for granted. (Jakarta, 19/10/2010 - 11:00 pm)

SBF: DECISIONS, DECISIONS...DILEMMA(WELL, SORT OF :P)
*deep sigh* Alright, I rarely talk about my work life here - but I feel the need to do that now. Especially with what's been going on lately. Carefully, of course. That's why not everybody can read this. If you happen to be the exception(s), that means I might need your opinion. Thank you if you want to and can give it to me. If not, thanks for reading this. Recently, I turned down an offer to be a full-time teacher. (I've been a part-timer for over 2.5 years now at the same place.) Why did I do that? First of all, it has a fixed salary (while I can get higher one sometimes if I get a lot of classes in one term.) It's not as pleasant as it sounds, because you'll get more responsibilities than just teaching. You'll have to deal with the placement tests for newcomers, inventories(CDs, books, handouts,etc.),class schedules, administrative stuff...*gulps* That is just not...me, I'm afraid.:| I am not exactly neat. If you look at my desk, it often looks as if a hurricane often stops by there for a party-crash.:P It's not that I don't accept any new challenges. I know my own capability. I love teaching, but I don't think I can do bigger stuff but with rather smaller salary.(Believe me, I have checked.) Plus, I have seen how Marty and Gigi tackle everything every day. Especially when there were once three absent part-time teachers on one day. That's tough. I'm just not the right one for it. No, I have made up my mind. I'm not going to even try just for the sake of sheer curiousity. Administration is just not my thing. I might screw up if I force myself into it, even for a noble excuse like helping colleagues. Well, they seem okay with my final decision. I am starting a new term next week(I mean, tomorrow on Monday) and the same branch school at Panglima Polim also offered me to teach another morning class. I have accepted it. It's all good and usual business. Panglima Polim. That's what's been on my mind lately. I know that I have somehow made an impression that I don't plan on staying in one place forever. I am still (relatively :P) young, single, and - with all due respect - I still want to do a lot of other things in the world while I am still alive. They are offering me another challenge: to move there permanently and leave Ciputat. I have been familiar with the neighbourhood, though, where my family's restaurant used to exist a few blocks away. In fact, I am also a former student of the branch - looong time ago. I am no hypocrite.:P I do need (more) money. And yes, they do offer bigger salary with the same, part-time status. (Especially since most of the colleagues there are expatriates.) Plus, I have thankfully passed my CAE (Certified Advance English) with a 'B'. So why the second guess? *sighs* I don't know. Is feeling this way normal? Maybe it's the emotional attachment I still have to deal with. Friends I have made at work. No, they're more like my second family already. Perhaps it's about time that I took that leap. Stop playing safe. Despite the rumours about "some colleagues" there and what some say about that offer, I think I must dare myself leave the comfort zone. Start a whole new adventure. Besides, nothing always lasts forever, right? The Author/SBF

SBF:WHEN LOVE GETS TOO SPIKY AND DULL, AND IS ALSO LIKE THE DARKEST SIDE OF THE MOON :P
It is no secret that I am a love cynic these days.:P I listen to love songs with minor interest/lack of enthusiasm/major disinterest/whatever. I also prefer horror/thriller movies and TV shows over light, romantic ones. (Speaking of which, Halloween is coming and they have lots to watch on TV.*big evil grin* I don't celebrate, just enjoy the excess of it.) No, I am not saying that with a sense of (icky) pride.:P It is just a regular statement with lack of emotions involved. Besides, if you have ever been in my shoes when it comes to love department, I am sure you would know that feeling too much about a lot of things (and also people) always has a risk of getting yourself hurt in the end. You can say I am also a skeptic and I won't argue with that. I don't need any of that. I deserve better. I know I do. That is why focusing on more logical things feel much safer.:) There are a lot of things I still want to do. Traveling. Writing more and earning more from it. Singing and going indie with it.(My songwriting skill still sucks badly and I must re-learn playing some musical instruments.:P) Hunting for scholarships, even if it is only for a three-month course. Getting a higher college degree too. Learning another foreign language while advancing my English skill. You see, there are a lot of other positive things we can do in the world while we still have the time, energy, and enthusiasm. Chances we can find. Anything. Come to think of it, sometimes love isn't that bad when it comes to taking care of yourself - always. I should never, ever forget my old principles. Never rely your true happiness on other mortals, no matter how kind they all seem and despite the sweet words they ever tell you. It is not an issue of distrust of paranoia. It is how reality works. True love only comes from God. Things change. So do people. It is unavoidable. There is no use in wondering why. All you can do is survive - alone or else.*shrugs* Why am I writing this topic again, although I have tried avoiding it for damn too many times already? I guess I can't ignore the 'signs', or whatever the hell you'd like to call them. I have already killed the romantic side of me long ago, and I don't know if she'll ever come back to life. I am one of the so many late twenty-something, single ladies in Indonesia who (have to) struggle against society's biased perception and judgement out there. Hell, I will turn 29 next month and I just want to live free as me.:P Some other ladies have complained to me that it's not easy. I know. I suppose that's always been the idea for this whole thing. I have watched some of them giving into social demands about 'what women their age are supposed to do', despite their true principles. They tie the knots despite what truly lies within their hearts. It is all about what other people think of them if they are still single.(As if it is even such a hideous crime. Ugh.*rolls eyes*) Yes, society can be cruel and judgemental. They can also be highly insensitive and irresponsible to the feelings of their favourite bullying targets. Even local author/feminist Ayu Utami wrote in one of her essays:"Old maids(unmarried women) tend to act bitchy on other women - especially the beautiful and the married ones - because they have social scars inflicted by biased society." And a bigger part of 'that' society still thinks it is their fault.*sneers* I know there never is a good reason for being bitchy, but what happens to 'listening to both sides of the story'? I also know a girlfriend who just can't stand loneliness.:P It's like, she has to have a boyfriend in order to make herself feel happy and self-worthy - or else she feels miserable as hell.*rolls eyes* That is why she somehow puts up with being mistreated by one jerk after another. Why, oh, why? No idea.*shrugs* I am not a hypocrite. Sometimes loneliness sucks, although some people choose the easy way out by assuming that I am some freaky, stuck-up Miss Independent who needs no one at her side.(Nothing new.) Then again, so what? I have never asked for any of this shit. I have always tried my best, but still it was never really (good) enough. Love has never really given me a chance. Meanwhile, I can still do something constructive and more productive.:)*shrugs* Okay, so the movie called "Eat, Pray, Love" is out now, based on an autobiography of (and by) Elizabeth Gilbert. I know Julia Roberts is the leading lady. There are also Billy Crudup, Javier Bardem(sp?), James Franco, and also my favourite local actress Christine Hakim.:D Gigi said the movie paced too slow and boring - even for a drama. I have read the review, but am not that interested to read or watch it.(Well, unless for Christine Hakim, that is.) Although I admire her independent spirit (especially with her traveling decisions), I can't help but wonder: Is it true that love can always make you happy? Is it really everything? Is it even enough? I have also read Samuel Mulia's latest column where his colleague shares him this quote: "Relationship is not about how much love you build at first, but how much love you will have gained in the end." Oooh...*shudders* How come that sounds creepier than horror movies?:P Oh, wait. I was just making a lame joke. A colleague also once asked me this funny question: "Which would you prefer - a physical pain or a heartbreak?" I blinked. Nobody wants to get hurt but...well... "What's your choice?" "Heartbreak." Oh. "Why?" "Because I can find the cure from praying to God," she said cheerfully. "I couldn't stand my bloody wounds from my previous motorcycle accident. They hurt like hell." She's deadly right about the cure thing (although it often takes forever.:|) "What about you?" I sighed. "If I scrape my knee, I can instantly see and fix the problem right away," I reasoned. "It cures a lot faster too. Plus, I can only blame myself for not being careful enough." Heartbreak? I can't always locate the exact pain. They say time always heals, but what if I'm sick and tired of waiting for it to heal? What if I'm sick and tired of the same old results in the end? Besides, no one has prescribed any pills for that. We've only got loads...for heart-attacks. The Author/SBF

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"THE ANNOYING QUESTION" "Where is your boyfriend?" I wish they would just come up with better questions. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 10:15 pm) "WRONG ABOUT ME" You think you're all that. Girls are crazy about you. You're wrong about me. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 10:55 pm) "ME VS. THE PLAYER" He's just full of games. Too bad I'm not in the mood to play all of his. (Jakarta, 16/10/2010 - 11:00 pm)

SBF; NOT YOUR TYPICAL CHICK-LIT/FLICK HEROINE :P
It's been two weeks since that fateful Saturday night - a week before the rock concert (October 2).:P I can still remember that solitary moment, when time seemed to stop and stand still. I'd wanted to write this sooner, but...well, you know how it is.:P Other things always get in the way. At last, here we are. No distractions. A week before the rock concert, I watched "Resident Evil:After Life" with Gigi, Uthie, and Uthie's sister Chacha in Blok M. The movie was...well, okay. Despite 'Wonderhunk' Wentworth Miller and the Matrix-like special-effects, it was lack of zombies in real action.:P Plus, the projector had gone dead in the middle that I personally had to storm outside the door to notify the gatekeepers about it before the audience might've started lashing out and thrashed the place. Believe me, I've been living here for far too long that anything (like that) could happen.:P Better safe than sorry. My friend Lovely Tony wondered how strange it is that people in Jakarta love hanging out at 7-11.*big evil grin* "It's a convenient store," he stated. Well, convenient enough for some people here, because by the time the girls and I got there - the place was really packed with costumers. That was when I caught a sight of him. (No, not Lovely Tony.:P) I was sitting with the girls by the window, while he was standing outside at the parking lot. A tall, short dark-haired hunk with light complexion. He was in his dark denim jacket and jeans. The smile on his face lit up his entire surroundings. That was when time seemed to stop and stand still. Praise The Lord!:O One of His Greatest Works of Arts existed right there, right in front of me. Hehe.:P The voices around me grew fainter. For a moment, I forgot my hot dog on the table - next to my resting hand. It was as if no one else had existed but he and I. The ordinary girl by the window the prince charming outside the store. The heroine and the object of her admiration. Any cheesy romance writers could start a very typical tale from such prologues. If this were your typical chick-lit/flick, you'd get the romantic expectation. He'd look up at the window and notice her gazing at him. Then he'd smile at her and she'd smile back, trying to hide her genuine surprise that someone like him would ever notice someone like her. It would feel like a rare miracle. After that, he'd probably walk in to find her. From there, the story would continue to blissful cliches. From the simple introduction, they'd no longer become strangers to each other. And finally, they both lived happily ever after and their love story would become just another Hollywood romance blockbuster. Yaay.*applauses and whistles* Ha-ha.*sneers* However, this is the real life. I am not your typical chick-lit/flick heroine. I am just a regular girl-next-door who goes unnoticed - well, most of the time.*shrugs* It's not about being insecure, just a realistic observation to the same old situation. No bitterness intended, no complaints.:P "Bee," Gigi's voice shattered my fantasy. Back to the real world for good. "Don't stare too deep and too long like that. He knows." Indeed, he did. Of course, with that killer looks of his, he'd have the confidence and conscience that girls would always, always have their eyes on him. But that night, his smile was only for the slim, sexy and exotic-looking babe standing right in front of him. She had long, thick dark hair tied in a simple bun. Her oversized brown top revealed her left shoulder. There was a dragon tattoo on her back. The girl with the dragon tattoo. (No, nothing like Stieg Larsson's heroine Lisbeth Salander.:P) She was wearing black shorts that showed off her slender legs - something that I may never have the courage to do for the rest of my adult life. (Well, unless it involves playing squash.:P) Of course, why would he ever really notice me?:P A friend of mine once told me that the problem with guys is that they don't look that deep - and I think I have to believe that. Especially when she was the real hot stuff. I knew that already. In fact, I've always known. That's how it always works - right here in my real world. They left the parking lot together. Again, if this were your favourite-but-too-damn-typical chick-lit/flick, you could hope for another encounter - a scripted coincidence to please the audience.*sneers* This is the real world and I may never see him again. As if I care.*shrugs* We were just strangers which crossed each other's paths for one night. Expect no sequels from there. Still, it's never a crime to enjoy such a great view - while you still can.*big evil grin* The Author/SBF

SBF:JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2010 (0CT0BER 9)
I meant to post this sooner, but my busy schedule's been getting in my way. Before I began, I must assure you on one thing: I swear to you, I didn't order any Carlsberg beer that night - although they did serve that in one of their stalls at the rock concert.:| The rock concert? Yes, that's what I'm about to tell you here.:P Before the rock concert: You see, it was actually a three-day concert - Woodstock's style or some sort. I'd gone there last year on August with Gigi. (She'd only chosen Friday to see Melee and Vertical Horizon, while I carried on alone on Saturday for Mr.Big!:D) It had been marvelous and I'd been pretty well myself. This year? Gigi and I had bought the tickets for Saturday shows only the month before. We had to choose the most convenient time, because we had to work late on Friday. They still had it in Ancol, North Jakarta, so it is always one hell of a long ride there on weekend nights. (That's why I had to give up watching Smashing Pumpkins.) Sunday? It would've been too exhausting to prepare for work on Monday. Based on my last year's experience, staying up late for two nights in a row is not a good thing. So, bye bye Di-rect.:| Unfortunately, I had flu a few days earlier. Not good.:( Obsessively, I'd been trying to cure myself as quick as possible with a combination of paracetamol, honey, and caffeine (to avoid feeling drowsy from the drug.) The rock concert (October 9 - early October 10): I bumped my left elbow painfully against the bus' steely window frame.:( It had stung a few hours before turning into a purplish swell. Somehow, the pain was also strangely transferred into my right brain, but I'd shrugged it off. Maybe it was just my imagination. I've never been good at science anyway. I met Gigi at three pm at Blok M's bus terminal. We took two hours of bus rides to Ancol. Since the food stalls on Carnival Beach during concert would be ridiculously expensive, we decided to have an early dinner at a small dine-in near the bus stop. French fries and iced tea for me and iced tea for Gigi, because she brought her own meals in her lunchbox - rice and fried noodles. We got there at around seven at night. Slank was still performing on the main stage and the field was filled with so many people, stalls, and stages. More sponsors were involved this time, I suppose. We even got to their internet booth to post a (positively expected) comment about the concert on either our Twitter or Facebook account for free snacks.:D We watched Dashboard Confessional after The Sigit. I'm not much of a fan, but I think they were okay. Obviously they couldn't stand the heat that they were sweating. Even the lead singer took off his gray fedora hat to start fanning his guitar player.*giggles* Funny. Of course, I only know "Don't Wait" and "Vindicated" (the OST of "Spiderman".) Better than nothing, I suppose.:P Arkarna started at the next stage after just fifteen minutes of silence. Ollie the singer burst out on stage, singing while shooting the audience with his I-Phone. (Obviously, because later he told us that he'd be posting that on his Twitter.:P) They were very friendly and expressive. They even tried speaking in Indonesian by saying things, like: "Terima kasih!"(Thank you!), "Apa?"(What?), and even "Kalian semua gila!"(You guys are crazy!) "Eat Me" and "So Little Time" reminded me of the fun, teenage years.:) "Life Is Free" and "Rehab" also reminded me of the exciting, adventurous college years.:D After that, we moved back to the previous main stage for Stereophonics. Despite their lack of engaging communication to the audience, they had performed fantastically. Well, at least the lead singer still made a small talk like "Hello!", "Thank you!", and even stuff like "Okay, our next song is..." (Later, I heard that Billy Corgan wasn't being friendly to the audience at all.:| What a buzzkill.) I only know "Local Boy In The Photograph", "Maybe Tomorrow", "Dakota", and "Mr.Writer". The tall, slim, blond Caucasian guy standing next to me kept singing along, clapping his hands, and smiling. I guess his enthusiasm had effected me, because I ended up doing the same through their entire performance. I met my college friend's ex-boyfriend Aki when we watched Japanese techno-rock band Galaxy 7. Aki is a lead singer and guitar player for local rock band Alexa (which unfortunately for me, was scheduled to perform on Sunday night at nine.:|) After graduation, we sometimes cross each other's paths at concerts. I am still amazed with the fact that a popular guy like him always remembers someone like me.:O We chatted for a while before he took off with (his girlfriend?) Audrey. That was when I suddenly felt cold. It was already past midnight and we were on the northern shore of Jakarta. I put on my coat and scarf, but I was still shivering.:( There were annoying thumps inside my head. The blinking special-effects on stage...wait, my eyes weren't usually that photosensitive. After the end of the show, Gigi and I walked outside the gate. That was when my legs suddenly went weak like jelly. Gigi sat me down at the corner, but then I could only remember mumbling sorry before everything went dark. After that, the rest was kind of blurry. A hand touched my abdomen and I winced. My eyes opened again. Two security guards were hovering close with a worried Gigi.:( One was pressing my palm the way a reflexologist does. But then I bent down and puked my guts out on the dry gutter, Gigi pressing the back of my neck. Shit. People were passing by and staring at us, probably wondering whether I'd drunk too much and hit the jackpot because of that. (Ha-ha.*sneers*) I felt my stomach empty again and told Gigi that I needed something to eat. It was probably sometime around two in the morning when we got to the nearest McDonald's. It wasn't as busy as I'd thought, only a few people were occupying some tables. And I'd thought eating would've helped me to feel a bit better. Then I had to rush to the toilet and...there went the rice and fried chicken. My face was ghastly pale in the mirror. Thankfully, Gigi spotted a blue taxi parked near McD's. I agreed when she insisted that we go home before I got worse. Forget watching the sunrise at the beach.We rode together in the back. She told me to rest my head on her lap and I obeyed. I fell into a restless sleep for a while, until something cold and piercing in my stomach woke me up again. I sat, but my head refused to stay up. I heard Gigi saying that I should rest again, but then I felt another tight clog in my throat, threatening to explode again. Oh, no. Before I could ask the driver to pull over, I threw up again for the third time - successfully on the carpet, my feet, and my shoes. Yuck.:( Luckily, we were almost home, but I instantly felt bad to the driver and poor Gigi who still had a long way home to Pamulang.*blushes* At least I still remembered to pay for my share of fare (and extra for the vomit-stained carpet.) Then I staggered to the locked front door after the cab left. I dialed Mom's cellphone to ask her to let me in. She didn't say anything, but I was sure she'd smelled what I did. She just told me to change my clothes while she was fixing a cup of warm tea for me. Damn...:(*blushes* After the concert: I lost half of Sunday in bed, with my PJs on and a blanket. Hangover. At least, I've gone back to work without a scratch. Most importantly, Gigi was my saviour that night.:P The Author/SBF

MONSTERS ON YOUR GLASSY SCREEN
This is no mythology, dear princess. You can see for yourself on your television screen or incessantly uploaded pictures all over the internet. It's been overly discussed by those in fear and disgust: What's going on with this country? Never mind... Only fairy-tales have happy endings. I understand that you're numb. It's reality, you see? No prince charming, no knight in shining armour, only a mere illusion named 'security and comfort'. The monsters have freely roamed. No, not vicious dragons with thick scales and claws, only freaks who imitate men with sharp swords and their thirst for human blood... (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 6:00 pm)

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"MISSING AN OLD FRIEND" I miss you, old friend. I hope you rest in peace there, while the world goes on. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 3:55 pm) "MR.BIG MOUTH" Mister, watch your mouth. You need to think it over, before talking loud. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 4:00 pm) http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2010/09/30/tifatul-sembiring-makes-jokes-aids.html "THE BLOODBATH" The bloodbath that day has reminded all of us that monsters exist. (Jakarta, October 2, 2010 - 4:05 pm) http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2010/10/03/three-men-involved-deadly-ampera-clash-arrested.html

SBF: DEAR PUMPKIN
Dear Pumpkin, I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of you again. Maybe it's because October 2 was (supposed to be) your birthday. If you were still around, you'd be 28 by now. No, I'm not sad for you or anything like that. I haven't even dreamed of you again in a long time. But my cousin Andin did. She told me that the last time we met. She couldn't recall the details, because it was all too vague. I told her that maybe you wanted us to remember and pray for him there. I'm sure you remember her.:) You guys went to the same high school, along with CB, Yayee, and Rera. Then you met me and Dave in college. How are they? The last time I met your mother at your funeral, she told me that Rera was with her husband in Pakistan. I'm still trying to track her down online. I hope somebody has told her about you. I saw Yayee at your funeral too. She said she'd been divorced with that guy we knew. (What's his name again, btw? Donny?) Honestly, I never really liked him. There was something off about him. You could say it was just my instinct, knowing how sweet you'd always been.:) I'd never told you about one incident right after your birthday party at T-Box Cafe that night. You'd been busy chatting and laughing with the girls. I remember telling you guys that I'd be walking home alone, since Grandpa's house was only a block away. You know me, Pumpkin.:) I'd always been one of your favourite independent girls. Then Donny said something about how inappropriate it was for girls to do that. I glared at him angrily and pointed out that I'd always prayed and been careful so far. Besides, it was only a block away, for God's sake! I could take care of myself. (And I still do, thank God!) I know how to watch out. "You were just lucky," he snarled, and I'd wanted to punch him in the face for that. I mean, who the hell did he think he was?:( However, I caught myself just in time when I saw how happy you'd been that night. Why would I have ever ruined that? I never had the heart to. Still, you know how it is with me and guys like that.*scoffs* Ugh.*rolls eyes* Dave is still...well, Dave.*shrugs* The boy is still the same. I don't know. The last time we met (also at your funeral), he said he'd grown cold and heartless. I didn't know why he said that, but I just didn't buy it. We both know he's denied a lot of things before. I know he's just afraid to get hurt, although he'll never ever admit it openly - even by force. So am I, Pumpkin. Emotional attachment to special people has always been the most beautiful yet also the scariest for me. We all know what can happen if it doesn't end too well on my side. Believe me, I have known too damn well of it. That's why I still can't shake off this feeling of indifference. Only God can help me, because I don't want to be like Dave.:( CB is well and happy with her husband Dewa Bear and two kids.:D She deserves that. Btw, Andin's got married too - and is also becoming a new mother soon.:) Isn't that amazing? After her father's funeral last year, God gave her two reasons to smile again.:) You'd like Angga. He's mature and gentle. Do you still remember the funny, ridiculous pact we made in college? That if we both turned 30 and still single, we'd move somewhere abroad and live together - so that we could be like "Will and Grace"?*giggles* You'd chosen France, but my French sucked (and still does :|) - so you gave in and agreed on New York. You said you'd always wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and stroll around Manhattan like your favourite girl Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and The City".:P I'd like to see The Metropolitan Museum and the public libraries. Maybe Central Park too.:) "Can I bring boyfriends home?" you'd also jokingly asked me. Of course I said no.:P When you asked why, my answer had been straight to the point: "If he were a bi and interested in me too, that would be trouble." After that, we both cracked up laughing like crazy.*big evil grin* Anyway, look where we are now. I guess I'll have to do things on my own. I mean, I've always been. That's never really been a serious problem to me, so I still wonder why some people find me strange. You had always known my real problem. It's never been the solitude. I admit that it hurts like hell sometimes, but I can still manage. There are a lot of things that we can do in this world, whether we are alone or else. Not many people can accept my point of view, but you'd always been the most understanding. You were one of the few who did understand me inside and out - and not everyday you can really find a friend like that. Speaking of that, I'd also never told you that at first, Mom wouldn't let me be friends with you and Dave.:( She was afraid that I'd get a hard time finding a boyfriend - for most people still have problems accepting gays in society. That was long before she'd ever got to know you too and saw how sweet you were. Now she knows that wasn't the case. I mean, look at the girls.:) I kept telling her no need to worry, because I never see that as the end of my world. Besides, I know how it feels to be judged.:| I never wanted to do that to you boys. I love you and I am no God. You once told me that I was lucky that nobody was condemning me for ever loving a man. I don't know, Pumpkin. You said I'd always been tough and somehow, I feel like disappointing you all over again and I hate it.:( There are a lot of other things I'm really good at, but I'm not sure I want to deal with the same old pain again. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that love and I don't get along that well. They can call me a quitter or a coward, but they have no idea. I've just had enough of it. Once again, only God can change my mind. I am counting on Him for that. I'm tired and bored to death with it. Don't worry, it's not going to kill me that easy. You know me much better than that. Rest in peace. love, Your Tomboyish Pal

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"NO IDEA" I just fell silent when he asked me whom I love. I have no idea. (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 9:45 pm) "A QUESTION OF FAITH (ON LOVE)" Love's been dark and mean. Are you sure you want to go where it's left you cold? (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 10:00 pm) "YOUR SWEET-NOTHINGS" All your sweet-nothings; they can't win me that easy. Do something better! (Jakarta, September 26, 2010 - 10:05 pm)

SBF:THE BUFFET TABLES AND (TYPES OF) GUESTS
If you happen to attend weddings a lot, you may notice how guests behave differently...towards the buffet tables. You can tell the types from what's on their plate...or not on it at all: 1.The Vultures and Scavengers: They are the true omnivores. The rather intimidating part is how they seem to be really, really starving. Although they still manage to keep their normal courtesy with the newlyweds, there is a drastic change of behaviour once they lay eyes on the buffet tables. They eat as if they will never get the chance to eat again another day. Some don't even bother to queue in politely. Don't waste your energy giving them an angry look, because they usually don't care. They only worry about not getting to eat all on the buffet tables. When they do, they stack lots of their plate. They act as if there are no people waiting in line behind them. In fact, right after they finish up to the last bite, they always go back for seconds, thirds, and...well, you can look away if you have a weak stomach.:P 2.The Picky-Eaters: They tend to play - I mean, eat - safe. Whether by doctor's strict order ("Eat more veggies because your cholesterol level is too high!") or else, they usually stick to only the same set of menus. If it is all about familiarity, you have to persuade them really, really good to make them try something new. Otherwise, they will go back to the same menus for seconds, only because it is familiar to them. If it has something to do with doctor's order, you can see the unhappy look on their faces as they stare gloomily at their plate. If not, they are probably just picky - for other reasons we needn't know.*big evil grin* 3.The Non-Eaters: Need to say more about this type? Look for a skinny girl who upsets her boyfriend at weddings because she won't even look at the buffet tables. Is it something to do with her diet? Perhaps, she worries about her modeling career. Other reasons? Perhaps some of this type have already eaten some place else before attending the wedding. Perhaps they have got somewhere to go after that, so that is why they can't stay long. Illness factor? Maybe.*shrugs* 4.The Mild Munchkins: They generally enjoy food, but not the way vultures and scavengers do.*big evil grin* Their main interest in attending a wedding is to socialize with people around them. Typical social butterflies. For them, the buffet tables are more like a background. They do grab a bite or two, but if their favourite menu happens to run out, they will shrug it off. It doesn't matter. They can still get that somewhere else. Besides, they prefer a nice conversation...and drinks. 5.The Food Critics: Beware, be prepared. If you own a catering business for weddings, you ought to watch out for them. They come to search for references. (Maybe, they are about to have another wedding soon.) They try each menu on the buffet tables and scrutinize the setting. If they like what they taste, they don't usually express it that much. If they frown, you can start to worry, because they are also the kind to spread the word out. Obviously, they always ask for the caterer's business card. 6.The Free, Culinary Adventurers: They love food, but they don't eat like hogs. They just won't waste their chance on free, fancy meals they don't usually get on a regular basis. Why not? After all, they are invited! Some are sensibly calculative, but not picky. They take a little bit of everything onto their plate. After tasting each, they usually decide which they like best. They do go back for seconds, but they don't forget about other people - in this case, friends they bring to the wedding. They like sharing and promoting what they like. They usually tell you something like this with a smile:"You should go over to that table, because the pasta is delicious!" Still, they know how to draw the line. If their stomach can't handle more, they simply stop. They know they can't eat all overnight. It is all about taking chances, not hunting like scavengers! *giggles* So, which one are you?:P The Author/SBF

SBF:AN OPEN LETTER TO SAMUEL MULIA*
Dear Sam, I always wait for your "Parody" column in Kompas every Sunday. Your writings have always inspired me personally. They are witty, honest, and downright sarcastic at times. Not everybody can accept the harsh, brutal honesty and you simply write it as it is. I have found myself connected with your last topic "Trying". Once again, you were brave enough to reveal your vulnerability as you spoke of your bitter past. Many choose to pretend it never existed, but we both know how denial can do to you. You are not the only one. I grew up a disappointment to my father, mostly. Even when I was in kindergarten, nobody had bothered to at least try to understand me. I hardly acted like their expectations of 'what a normal kid my age should behave', so I got into a lot of troubles. In the end, one teacher even suggested that my parents seek a child therapist/psychiatrist for me, because I had abnormally been such a handful. However, both my still working parents refused that, either believing that I was not that 'bad' - or they feared what might have been revealed about me if they had chosen that. I was also never an ace student. They all praised my older sister for her better grades a lot in the same schools and wondered more about me. Why? Why couldn't I be more like her? What was wrong with me? What was so wrong about me? I had to admit that those questions had haunted me for years. Sometimes, if I am not careful enough with myself, they can still creep in to distract me. Just like you, I got the same reaction from my father. "Other kids can do that and get better grades. Why can't you?" was one of his favourite lines thrown at me. Even when I had tried my best, he still thought I was not trying hard enough. He would have only acknowledged my success if the results had satisfied him - not my efforts. I had never heard him or anyone else tell me that at least I had done my best in class. Honestly, I hate how Indonesians still categorize forms of subjects these days. Believe me, Sam, some things have not really changed here - even after John Gardner's theory on multiple intelligences has been introduced. They still think only students who ace in math and sciences (chemistry, physics, and biology) are the smart and successful ones. What about those who are good at social studies (economy, anthropology, sociology, and history)? What about those who marvel in arts and literature? Why do many people here still see them as less important, less smart, and less successful? Don't they know that back in the old age, Ibnu Sina (or Avicenna, by Western tongue) was not just into math and medicine, but also wrote poetry? Don't they even care? Aren't they aware that geography is actually a beautiful mixture of math, science, and social studies? A friend of mine believes that all forms of subjects are actually connected to one another. So do I. Wouldn't it be so nice if all were equally appreciated, in order to make a better world and tear down all unnecessary exclusions? So we all can help each other and avoid such ugly arrogance towards one another. Still, it is one hell of a long road over there, my friend. But we never stop trying, do we? There is always even a glimmer of hope, for as long as we breathe. As a teacher, I still sense some of my teenage students' on-going frustrations about how their parents push them so much to become something by their standard of success - often without giving them a break and realizing their true potentials. When I ask the students about what they want to be when they grow up, I still hear: "My parents want me to be..." Then I have to repeat my questions with a little emphasis: "No, what do YOU really, really want?" After all, it is their life. Soon they will have to stand on their own feet and make decisions for themselves. Parents cannot always be around for them, even when they want to. Nobody can. That is just life. We have seen it a lot, but sadly still - not many of us dare take a stand and do something about it. Make a difference, even a little. Because of the goal-orientation thing, the process is often barely appreciated nor even recognized. Students cheat on exams to get their top grades without fully grasping the true essence of the knowledge. People tend to take the easy way out at work, so that is why corruption never fades - especially in the government. Those who earn quick and easy - often without having to try too hard at all - tend to take things for granted and have a harder time accepting failures and rejections if they are not careful. I refuse to believe that nice guys who finish last are all-time losers, because I have seen most of them who still accept failures and appreciate their journey, their efforts at least. After all, don't we all have to start from nothing to become something? I understand that not everybody can escape their past scars easily. That is not something shameful to admit - we all have that. All good things take time. Actor Jeremy Piven (who started gaining recognition at the age of 40 while his actor best friend John Cusack has started a lot earlier) once said to Glamour:"You bloom when you are ready." I believe that also means that we create our own trajectory and measure our own success. Not them, not anyone else. Each of us has our own role to fulfill. Good or bad, it all starts from us. I think we are right where we are today. They cannot hurt us anymore, unless we let them. Believe it or not, I am certain that your writing has inspired people who read it. Maybe, just maybe - somewhere out there, there are parents who think deeply about what you have written and carefully pick their words before communicating with their children. Cheers and keep on writing. love, The Author/SBF *Samuel Mulia is a weekly, feature columnist in Kompas newspaper.

DIA MENCINTAIMU (S(HE) LOVES YOU)
Ingin tahu tentangnya saat kau tak ada? Akulah mata-mata sempurna. Saksi tanpa banyak kata. Butuh beberapa detik saja untuk mengenali sorot matanya saat kau hengkang sementara. Bagiku sebentar saja karena (kutahu) kau takkan lama. Baginya? Jangan tanya. Sabar menanti, namun gelisah tetap di hati. Kapan kau kembali? Nah, itu dia! Akhirnya kau tiba juga. Meski senyumnya biasa, dia tidak bisa menipuku. Matanya tampak baru terbebas dari rindu. Jadi, masih ragu-ragu? Inilah kesaksianku. Want to know about him/her while you're not around? I am the perfect spy. A silent witness. A few second it takes to recognize his/her gaze while you're away for a while. For me, just a moment knowing you won't be long. For him/her? Don't ask. S(he) patiently awaits, with a heart that wonders: "When are you coming back?" There s(he) is! You've finally arrived! His/her smile restrained, but I'm not fooled. The longing has escaped his/her misty eyes. So, any second guess? May this testimonial put your doubts to rest. (Jakarta, September 20, 2010)

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"THE ROMANTIC VS. THE SKEPTIC" He's trying to write what she's chosen to avoid: these romantic tales. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:25 pm) "A WRONG PAIR OF EARS" Please, stop complaining! She is not responsible for your loneliness. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:50 pm) "A JEALOUSY-FREE DAY" A day of real peace without stupid jealousy. That is what he needs. (Jakarta, September 19, 2010 - 2:55 pm)

SBF: MY LACK OF SYMPATHY?
Perhaps I am not always a good friend. Well, I am only human. I am well-aware of that. Maybe it is my impatience when it comes to (dealing with) nagging whiners. You know, people who love complaining a lot - on and on - about their recent situation. (Why? Only God knows.*shrugs*) Especially people who - ugh!*rolls eyes* - feel sad about their single status. (I mean, what is so bad about it anyway?) Let's say, I have this friend of a friend (whom I am not going to mention any name here.:P) He's a man in his early thirties, all quiet and sweet, almost nondescript - the kind who doesn't easily stand out in the crowd. (I know it's harsh, but also the truth. I am also not that striking anyway.:P) We came across each other online recently and had this pretty intense chat: Him:"Hey, how was your holiday?" Me:"Mostly staying home, taking care of Dad, and dealing with housework. You?" Him:"I visited Jogjakarta, Solo, and the rest of West Java alone." Me:"Cool.:D" Him:"Only one thing is missing, though." Me:"What?" Him:"A girlfriend.:(" Me:(mutters to self:"Not today, please!") "Dude, relax.:P I am still single too and I am okay with it." Him:"Me too." Me:"Then why ':('?" (waits for a responds) "Man, if I were you, I'd have written something interesting with a West Java setting." After all, Tiger's right - everybody can be a storyteller if they want to. Everyone is.:) Him:"I'd love to, but I have no motivation." Me:(grows impatience and annoyed)"Well, don't make that a habit. Soon you'll have to start motivating yourself." Him:"I know, but I am weak. I always need someone to motivate me.:(" Me:"Well, that's not even an excuse! If you keep relying on people like that, will you blame them if anything goes wrong in your life? Is it their fault?" Him:"No!" Me:"Good. Never let your spirit die." Him:"I still have it!" Me:"Good." In the end, he simply thanked me for the 'motivation' before he logged out. Phew!*deep sigh of relief* Even so, I believe that I must've shocked him pretty bad with my rather harsh, blunt responses. I mean, what did he expect from me, anyway? A sympathy? A solution? Both maybe? Why did he make it such a big deal? Maybe I am a mean-spirited love cynic, but that's because I don't get along with love lately. Why? I've been thrown off with the same result, and - for now - I am in no mood to deal with it at all. Am I lonely? As hell, yeah. But I am still normally functioning, so there's no serious damage to worry about, is there? I know that not all people can take it. Once again, sometimes it doesn't matter whether you're this really nice person or not. If it's not the time yet, then it's just not, okay? Perhaps for some people, it has to happen that way. Why? Maybe, just maybe...God wants them to never take things for granted. So, if one day it happens - you will never ever take it for granted, because you don't earn that easy. There is nothing wrong about being single. I thought life was supposed to be how you make the most of it - whether you're alone or with someone else. I thought it was supposed to be about becoming a better person, even without somebody else to tell you so. Not everybody will always be around for you, remember? Oh, God.:( I sound like my parents so much. And I've already made a promise to myself not to talk about depressive things. Since love only makes me think of something dark and gloomy, I'd better move on to better things.:P Ookay, back to being 'SBF'.;) The Author/SBF

SBF: THE COMMON, STEREOTYPICAL JUDGEMENTS
I know this stuff is already way, way too old. I know some of you good people out there will tell me to drop this subject and move on. I mean, shallow-minded idiots exist for a reason. They are perfect examples from God, so we won't become as horrible as they are. However, how do we know we're not already one of them? As far as I know, here are a list of common, stereotypical judgements about certain 'types' of people: What they generally think of fat/heavy/overweight people: 1.Their lives must revolve around food, food, and once again...food. 2.They always eat like a hog. ("Have you eaten enough yet?" once a relative asked me that at a party.*rolls eyes*) 3.If they eat less, people quickly assume they're on a diet. 4.They're lazy slobs and dislike working out. (I know some who hit the gym regularly - and I play squash and am planning to join kickboxing classes soon!) What they generally think of thin/skinny people: 1.They must be sick. ("I hate it when people tell me I look thin," confessed my friend Patrick. "It's like they're telling me that I look sick.") 2.They have eating disorders. (This has infuriated my other friend Roland. I know, that sucks.) 3.They have AIDS. (Same thing with number two above.) 4.They must be on drugs. (Same thing again.) What they generally think of slim/well-built people: 1.God is being unfair. (Hey, watch it!:|) 2.They must be on steroids. 3.Their main interest in life must be how to look good all the time. 4.They don't have to try hard and always have a better, much easier life. (Seriously, can people be this jealous and insecure?) We all know there is nothing we can really do. Some people choose to stay idiots, and - sadly - that is their civil right. We'll just have to worry about ourselves, because - if you happen to do at least three from each list above, then you might be in trouble for becoming a shallow-minded idiot. The Author/SBF

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"LUCKY YOU" You are so lucky. You got to fly overseas and found your loved one. (Jakarta, September 15, 2010 - 12:35 pm) "ALPHA MALES" She's no idiot. There's no way they'll notice her. They're out of her league. (Jakarta,September 15, 2010 - 12:45 pm) "ALPHA FEMALES" You know it's unfair. They say I will look better if I copy you. (Jakarta, September 15, 2010 - 12:45 pm)

SBF: MALLS= PUBLIC (FASHION) RUNWAYS?
You know, there are advantages in not being an alpha female.:P I'm not trying to cheer myself up whatsoever, but this is just my point of view. I get to blend in the crowd and disappear (although not literally.:P) No strangers will notice me that much. (Or I simply don't care as I wish.*shrugs*) From there, I get to have my own peace of mind - even in the noisy crowd. I also get to be the silent witness to my surrounding(s). I get to watch people a lot...in malls. I've been living here for over two decades. It has changed rapidly. Some say it's people's lack of appreciation for history (alias old, historical sites and buildings!) Our documentation on that is also poorly managed. Social cynics say it's the business people's greed for (more personal) profit. They think malls are all (about) that. A flawless illusion of "the la-la-land", an entertainment for boring riches and penniless hopefuls (by window shopping), a normally efficient one-stop shopping, and a symbol of status for either wealth, success, and consumption at once. Go ahead. Take your pick. It all depends on what you need. No sarcasm intended here. Okay, I lied about the last part. But I am also speaking of the truth here. These days, you can call this city as "The City of Malls". No joke. There are so many of them that some foreign tourists are often mislead into thinking they are the only available source of entertainment. (Unless if they are true backpackers with "Lonely Planet" and stuff.) So far, and according to my friend Big Bear, there are types of mall visitors. There are regulars called 'the mall rats'. Kids who hang out after school to pass the time - or play truants during school hours. College kids and adults who wait for the traffic to clear out or the rain outside to stop. Families who look for a weekend entertainment (mostly because the kids beg their parents to take them there, when all mom and dad really want is a nice, relaxing Sunday at home.) Couples on a date, and so on. There are those who only come for what they need. Maybe they're not always that into malls, but they have to be there at some time. The workers at the shops and restaurants. The weekly/monthly shoppers. With the crazy, urban nightmarish traffic outside, mall is also the most convenient meeting point for those who wish to gather. Last but not least, those who amuse my friend Big Bear so much. The classic, alpha wannabes. Those who intentionally dress their best and come to the malls - to seek audience on their overall performance. After all, isn't the world is a giant stage? And they make sure that malls are their public (fashion) runways. Now, I know it's never a crime to dress from head to toe with the expectation to be seen. I don't hate them for that. It's all cool. In fact, some of them really do look good that I can no longer categorize them as 'alpha wannabes'. I honestly admire them. Of course, I am sure they are also ready for the consequences. Is it compliment or scrutiny? Does it matter? They simply enjoy the attention. Still, I have to say about beehives and long overcoats, though. First, I can tell you're Amy Winehouse's fan. How many bottles of hairspray have you spent? When you go to watch movies, I hope you have the decency to stick in the back row.:P No sane people want to cause a scene in public. Second, I know that people do sell overcoats here. I can see you look fabulous in one, along with your skimpy top, very short pants, black stockings, and black leather boots. I hope you don't go outdoors to soon, because this is a tropical, humid city. Check your map or ask around,just in case you forget where you really are now. Cameras? Rolling. Action! Oh, wait. This is just the mall. They think it's a runway. But then again, who am I to say? It's just me.*big evil grin* The Author

SBF: SO...THIS IS ME
"So...this is me." How do you introduce (and probably re-introduce) yourself in a chick-lit style? (Especially since you've gotten complaints from your girlfriends about how gloomy your writings are - or have been lately.:P) Alright, I'll give this a shot. My friend Gigi says I'm witty, but normally I don't write like this. I hope I don't suck too much. They call me: By my real name (of course, most of them do.) 'Bibi' (from Ganesh and Gigi - each for different reasons.*giggles*) 'Dew' (from my best friend Tiger.:D) 'Kitty' (from some of my friends at work, knowing how much I love cats and can do their mewling pretty accurately.) You'll often see me in: Casual, tomboyish outfits. (Yes, including the canvas sneakers.) I am a tomboy, but I can pull up my professional outlook at work and also look feminine too - but the last one only happens at parties.:P Why? You see, I'd like to make a lasting impression on special occasions. If I start doing that on a regular basis, then the surprise element will be gone. If you visit this city, you might find me: At work, dealing with crazy students and confusing grade assessment.:P On the road, walking alone and sometimes wishing I were somewhere else. At a bookstore, browsing for horror novels. At a public library, simply escaping. At an Asian restaurant, enjoying my meal. At a record store, looking for my favourite musician's new album. At a rock concert, singing along to the band and dancing like crazy. What I think about love: Hmm, since I'm a love cynic and a heavy skeptic these days, I don't think I should go there. Yet.:P So, does this feel light enough to you? I hope.*big evil grin* Hehe. The Author

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"JULY 2004" Can we just go back to good and simple moments before love ruined this? (Jakarta, September 12, 2010 - 11:45 pm) "MY SANITY" I miss you, baby. You're the reason I still stay. You're my sanity. (Jakarta, September 12, 2010 - 11:55 pm) "TOO LATE" I have seen the signs long before they ever did. Now it's just too late. (Jakarta, September 13, 2010 - 00:00 am)

SINGLE BROWN FEMALE (SO WHAT IF I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL 'ALPHA FEMALE'?)
"So what if I'm not your typical 'Alpha Female'?" Well, that's probably how I might react to people's crazy expectations on me these days. I may sound rude and defensive, but...hey, a lady's got to do what a lady's got to do. Basically, it's a fair enough trade. So far so good. What makes one an 'alpha female' and how come I am not? Good question. How does a five-foot-tall Asian lady with light brown complexion and black-noodle-like mass of hair make the first impression? The results can vary. It all depends on the audience, I suppose. Normally, I'm not the kind of girl who can cause a guy to have a sudden heart attack at a first glance. (I hope I'll never be, yikes.:| Well, unless I suddenly grow a third eye or screech like a banshee.:P) As I'd like to quote a line from my favourite character on "Criminal Minds" - Penelope Garcia (played well by Kristen Vangsness): "I'm not the kind of girls guys see across the bar and write songs about." I'm even hardly a threat to my female companions when it comes to searching for a (so-called) Mr.Right. (Does he even really exist, come to think of it?*sneers*) That's what appears to be...so far. Want to know more about me? Read at your own risk. Can't say I haven't warned you yet. The Author/SBF

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"TO FORGIVE" I can forgive you, but how do I know for sure that you'll do better? (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:00 am) "LOVE'S FAVOURITE CASUALTY" I wish to forget how love keeps throwing me down to this same old hell." (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:05 am) "PAST SCARS" I can't be better if you keep reminding me of how I've messed up! (Jakarta, September 10, 2010 - 1:10 am)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR? WHERE??
His booming laughter, it could be heard as he greeted me: "My dear, can you feel that love is in the air?" It sounded like an old song (that) once brought joy. I'd like to believe, but what could I say? I didn't see it anywhere. So I denied: "No way." His laughter went dead as he sadly said: "My dear, your eyes have been blinded by your own scars and tears." The Author

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"DEMONS AT MIDNIGHT" Demons at midnight, they disturb me from my sleep. Please, just go away! (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:45 am) "TALK TO ME" I wish you could talk. What are you trying to say? I don't understand. (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:50 am) "THAT'S ALL" "Why are you awake?" "I cannot sleep," I told her. That's all I told her. (Jakarta, September 8, 2010 - 1:55 am)

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"DAMN!" It happened again. I had a dream about you. Damn, I miss you so. (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:00 am) "MAYBE" Would they respect her, if she were insensitive? Maybe she should be. (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:15 am) "ME VS. THE BOSSY BRAT" You can't control me. You can't tell me what to do. That frustrates you, eh? (Jakarta, September 7, 2010 - 7:30 am)

PENT-UP...
Although I've been afraid of trusting myself to feel (too much) these days, I find myself still trying to stay human despite everything. (Confused? I know. So am I.:|) How? I often avoid emotional friction at home. They've all made it clear that they don't need any of that - one way or another. It only disrupts everything. The Picture-Perfect Twilight Zone. What an irony. It's amazing that I can still take it, although not always quietly. I mean, I no longer show them the real me inside. So far, I can still manage. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Once again, another time bomb has been automatically set up. When will it explode? I don't know. It's only a matter of time. Still, I hope it'll never have to. I just have to find a way to deactivate it, or at least put a long delay to it. I know it can hurt people if I let it detonate. I don't want that to happen. Ever. Friends are great, but I know I can't rely on them forever. Soon they will have to go too. They have other needs that don't always include you. I mean, nobody wants to hang around overly-depressed people that much.*sneers* Come on, who are we trying to kid here? If you're normal, you'll stay the hell away from people like that. 'Normal'. Ha-ha, what a joke! At least I can still thank God for the short holiday before Eid.:) I can do a lot of stuff quietly in the process. One thing at a time. First things first. Before Ganesh's baby sibling is born, I'll have to have something permanent to do in the morning. A stable job for some extra money to help me moving out. God, I hope I don't sound too pathetic here. (But even if I do, so fucking what? This is the only place where I can fully be myself - regardless what you all readers think of me.*big evil grin* Hehe, no offense, though.:P Thanks for reading still, that if you're still around.) I know I must seriously do something with myself fast, before everything else completely eats me from the inside. Nobody else will ever do that for me. Like it or not, I'm all alone here. Come to think of it, I've mostly been. (Come on, Ms.Independent! Snap out of it!) Cry? Hell, that's not even an option here! Besides, there are other people out there in the world with much, much bigger problems. I must never, ever forget that. (Tiger, Jaajie, how's Pakistan lately?:( ) "I'm afraid to cry," I once told a friend, who was genuinely surprised. "Really? Why?" "I'm afraid it's going to be hard for me to stop and I hate that." "Maybe it's part of long, overdue, pent-up emotions that cause that." Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I have to keep myself busy. Pondering alone too long can be dangerous for me. My mind might slip and bad thoughts could possibly break in anytime. However, sometimes I just let it go when I'm too tired. I have to or I'll go crazy too. They can't possibly expect me to be strong all the time and pretend nothing is wrong. I mean, I can still be happy too, but doesn't it feel strange if you have to work hard at it? Well, I must do that quietly, though. The scary thing is, I sometimes need a trigger to unlock it. Sappy love songs. Sad movies. Current tragic news. Anything that reminds me that being human is also being frail and it's okay. Alright, I'll stop asking whether I'm normal or else.*sneers* It's not like it should matter anyway.:P Once I completely lost myself on a ride home from work with an 'ojek' biker one chilly night. (Ojek: a motorcyclist who can take you to your destination for amount of money.) On a speeding motorcycle, I let my mind wander and bad thoughts started bugging me. (One of them is usually related to 'love', because - unlike most people who normally associate it with 'bliss' - 'love' makes me think of the same old hell called 'rejection, mockery, and solitude' all at once.) I let my tears escape freely, but quickly wiped them away once we reached my destination. After receiving the fare, the ojek biker looked at me and frowned. "You okay, Ma'am?" "Yeah." I managed a small smile. "Just some stupid dust in my eyes. It'll go away." Sooner or later, it always will. It has to. The Author

IF LOVE...
If love were white, what would you do if it were tainted? Would you worship it, although one's purity were ruined? If love were red, how could it burn so bad? How could its fiery haze drive the sanest mad? If love were black, would there be any hidden cracks? In the dark, on this one-way track, would you prefer going back? If love were blue, would it be better for me and you? Would it be true? Oh, what would you do? If love were yellow, it could be the way to go. It should be sunny, not mellow. But then again, what do I know? If love were pink, what would it bring? Would it make your heart sing, or cause you to think? If love were purple, would it give you trouble? How would it affect your world? Would it even be whole? If love were orange, would it be a wonderful change? Would a heart need re-arranged if you felt it were strange? If love were green, would you tell me what you've seen? Were it picture-perfect on the screen, like a fairy-tale or a sweet dream? If love were brown, would it make a beautiful sound? Please, don't let me down. I'm tired of crashing to the ground. If love were grey, what else could I say? Maybe it's meant to be this way. Then come what may, another day. What's the colour of your love? Is it beautiful enough? The Author

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"STRANGE PEOPLE" You don't know people. They can easily transform into some strangers. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:10 am) "BLACK VS. RED" They see love as red vibrant, warm, and beautiful. I see love as black. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:30 am) "KILL HER!" She is the weirdo who will always love you so. You can kill her now. (Jakarta, September 3, 2010 - 9:30 am)

MORE CREEPY THOUGHTS...
Well, what to say? I know it's been a long time since I last wrote in here...again. I feel like I've been behind my writing lately. I'm not just talking about this, though.:P I had to give up a writing contest, only because I'd missed the deadline without any draft. So little time, so much to do. I know, the same old excuse. Somehow, it didn't take long for me to go back feeling numb again. I don't know why.*shrugs* I've never asked for any of this and never want it. It's like, I can't even trust myself to feel anymore. It's scary and I can't help it. They say it's normal to feel, but what if you're not ready to accept the consequences after that? What if you get hurt again? However, of course you can't deny what makes you human. So basically, this feels like a dog on a constant chase after its own tail. "Which one is more correct: people change or you never really know people?" I once asked that out loud. Mz.D had calmly stated: "The second one." After my second thought, perhaps that can be both. It all depends on the situations anyway. You never really know people because they change, whether you like it or not. You can't always anticipate the changes too. As bitter as this may sound to you, that is a fact. It's not about what you like, but more about how it is. I mean, shit happens all the time - even when you least expect it. It's not about what you want, but more about what you'll get in the end. It doesn't matter what you do, though. Nothing lasts forever, even the good ones. Never forget that! I've never seen Mz.D feel that disappointed before, to be honest. She may have told me that she doesn't care anymore, but I can tell. Most people either misunderstand me or take me for granted. I mean, just because I appear nonchalant on the outside and don't say much - doesn't mean I don't notice things. Some even think I'm still childish and ignorant to understand what's already too deadly obvious, and I simply take that as my personal advantage now.*big evil grin* Fine, let them all believe whatever the hell they like about me.*shrugs* Why should I even care or take it personal, anyway? That happens a lot. Do they even know me for real? I highly doubt that they even want to. Mz.D said that people like that often take the easy way out. Just call me weirdo and the discussion is over. That's it. No more arguments, please. From now on, shut up and listen. They don't even care if you pretend to agree with them or else.*shrugs* I understand how Mz.D has felt actually. The short version, a friend of ours is more than eager to leave soon. Where to? We don't know. She's not telling us anything. (Or you can say, she's chosen to stop sharing things with us - the people she called 'friends'.) It's not like we're not supportive of her new direction in her career or her happiness (anything in her future plans.) It's just...well, we somehow get the impression that we're not good friends enough for her to share something with anymore. Even if she didn't want to say much, a short liner would be appreciated. We'd congratulate her if whatever it is would offer something better for her. I know, I know. She's entitled to do whatever she pleases. (Aren't we all, naturally?:P) I'm not pressing on the work ethics here. (Let that be her professional issue with the company.) Regardless everything, I still think of her as a friend. It's just unfortunate that she doesn't really feel the same about all of us here, that we're not that worthy enough to get an update of her. Even my favourite local columnist Samuel Mulia once wrote on his weekly column: "Who are we to think that we are that special to them, even when we think they're very special to us? Maybe it's not always because we're not good enough as friends. What if something just happens for no apparent reasons at all? Maybe we shouldn't take it too personal." Maybe. But still, when you ask a friend why he/she has been a 'no show' lately and their only best answer is: "It's confidential", it sounds like a subtle way of saying: "Back off, this is none of your business." Okay. We get you. We shall never disturb you anymore. How does that sound to you? Good enough? Just don't expect too much from us anymore. (But I guess it won't be a problem for you.) Nothing is as disturbing as people coming over to you ONLY when they need something from you that benefits their personal interest. After that, they'll just go...poof! ............................ "Heavy skepticism stems from chronic cynicism which is produced by a series of unfortunate events that lead to the same old, repetitively unpleasant endings." I somehow have stopped reaching out to Mom. There are battles that we just can't win. My last heart-to-heart conversation with her turned out to be another disastrous misunderstanding. Perhaps she didn't even bother to listen. She cut me off even before I wanted to finish. Typical. She thought she knew and understood me that much. Things have changed. It's not that simple anymore. Hasn't she noticed that or has she chosen to stay living in denial? "I think she's grown tired of your father and spoiled sister," Mz.D once told me. "She's also realized that she made a mistake about letting your sister marry that guy you have to call your brother-in-law." I don't have the heart to call Ganesh a mistake, because - honestly - he's the only good thing that ever came out of their wedding. (As harsh as it sounds.) I love the boy. I really, really do. "But she won't admit it, I'm afraid," Mz.D went on, staring at me seriously. "She thought one burden would be away once a wedding took place. It didn't. It came with another, plus one, and another on the way." Yes, people. Ganesh is going to have a baby sibling soon. I don't know how to put it. If I'm not being enthusiastic about it, then I'm a bad person. But if I say I'm happy, that means a lie. (Although I always believe that innocent babies are the reason God keeps delaying The Apocalypse of this already dying earth.) "And your mother's been holding on to you, because - so far - you're the only sane voice she can rely upon. Your brother has chosen to stay busy outdoors - for as long as possible." I know. He's still such a quiet kid sometimes. Sweet, but that's what he normally does when things slide downhill at home. Mr.Passive-Resistant who smokes a lot too. And Mz.D was also right about the 'burden' thing.:( Mom may have given up on openly pushing me to get married soon, because she knows how much I hate it. That doesn't mean she stops worrying about it, though. (And they say it's normal. Mothers do that all the time.) "You should never be tired of challenges. The world is never kind to weaklings!" I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. Please, listen. Stop talking. "And support? Never wait for others to support you. You have to support yourself, no matter what!" I do, but does that mean I should stop reaching out to people? "Every daughter who is not married yet is still her parents' responsibilities, no matter how old she is!" Love sucks, Ma.:( Don't you notice how often it sends me back to the same old hell? What makes you think that this time it will be any different? I'd like to point out the contradiction too, because - every time there's a guy who seems interested in me - PEOPLE, even those whom I truly care about and who care about me as well, always ALWAYS claim there might be something strange about him. Even when they're right in the end, that is not the main point here. If only all of you knew that all I wanted to hear from you was:"Good, I hope he's for real and treating you right." Yes, if only. Whatever happens in the end is on me. I thank you for always reminding me to be careful and watch my back, because I never stop doing that. Come to think of it, whether I'm careful enough or not, there is always a chance that I can still get hurt in the end. Now I don't know what to do. Every time a guy seems interested in me (which doesn't happen too often like it does to some other girls), I just find it even harder to believe. Is it for real, or am I dealing with another poser? Once again, please tell me. What kind of love that I must believe? Some people accuse me of being an anti-relationship/anti-marriage, but I doubt that they even notice how much love has done to me. Enough is enough. This sickening game is getting way too old - even for me. Are they even aware of how painful it is to have to see every guy/girl you've ever loved always ends up with somebody else - and you're always ALWAYS all alone in the end? May God always spare them the agony. They have no idea. All they can easily do is blame me for this, because it seems much, much easier for them to find someone - or be found first. "You're very patient on waiting," Bear once complimented me. I sneered at him. "Oh, yes," I had to agree...half-sarcastically. "And my level of patience just gives some people the creeps here." The Author

MR.SPINELESS
Mr.Spineless; Oh, gutless warrior. That's how they describe you. Easily bent by their master plan to cut this dying nation in two. Mr.Spineless; Oh,lame loser. I couldn't agree more with them. One step forward, two steps back, staying too long on this one-way track. Mr.Spineless; Oh, plastic poser. This game is getting too old. Ignore the rulebook, release all the crooks. Has your conscience gone cold? Mr.Spineless; Oh, pathetic whiner. Where do we go from here? It's crystal-clear what we all fear. You've broken your promises for real. Mr.Spineless; Oh, heartless liar. Your words are dull and empty. Whatever. Does it even matter? You've lost all your loyal listeners. Well, Mr.Spineless; Oh, walking disaster. What else can I say? All I can do is pray, for more better days, a hope for a change. So, Mr.Spineless; Are you ready to be erased? It's about time you fell from grace. The Author

AN EXIT SIGN?
I know, I know.:P I've slacked off from writing again. It's been too long this time. I met Lovely Tony again last Tuesday morning. I must admit that he started reminding me more of Pumpkin...and Ki.:) I don't know if it's a good sign or else.:P I also found out that Lovely Tony loves cooking and food.:D He hates frozen yogurt, though, because he prefers having it served fresh. The admin lady told me that he bakes yummy chocolate cakes and cookies he sometimes brings to work...only in the afternoon.:( My classes there only start in the morning. Okay, enough about food.*giggles* Some people are still fasting. Mom once said something about Ganesh one night. (He's 1.5 years old, btw.) These days, the cute toddler is clingy, demanding that everyone he wants has to be there for him and do whatever he wants them to. (Sounds familiar?*big evil grin*) Perhaps it's still normal for his age to act that way. I don't know.*shrugs* I'm no expert in this. Maybe he'll change for the better. Don't we all hope so?:P "Clingy, just like his mother." I was genuinely surprised. I looked at her. "What?" "Ganesh," she repeated. "He always wants everyone he wants to accompany him. Your sister was always like that when she was little too." "Oh, really?" Don't you notice something, Ma? She still is. "Even when she was in school, she insisted that I wait for her outside her class until she was done," Mom went on. Then she looked right at me. "Unlike you. You were always different. More independent. Even when you first started school, you simply told me not to wait for you." That's why. You've always been so used to with me dealing with things on my own. Only my serious, critical situations really drag your attention. You're not used to having me reach out to you or anyone else. You always believe that I'm strong enough alone. It'll look out of place, won't it? Like a break of the already established routines. You think I don't need people that much, do you, Ma? You think I don't need you at all? You have no idea, Ma. But I know what you really want from me these days. You want me to shut up and listen. No complaints and protests, please. You want me to take everything as it is. It doesn't matter what I think or feel. My opinion doesn't count. Being your version of 'a good girl' is what pleases you more. Being 'the perfect daughter'? That's even better. Too bad I can never meet your requirements. I'm sorry that I've always let you down.:( But I'll never be sorry for being who I am. I'm just sad that it's not good enough for a lot of people to accept me for who I am. "It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love..." Mz.D said I should stop doing this to myself. I need to get help. I know what she means, but like what I've said - I'm not used to reaching out to people. It's not that I haven't tried. Sometimes the timing isn't right - or the person I'm reaching out to is just wrong. I'm still stuck in this Twilight Zone, working my way out. One way or another, that is. I can't pretend I didn't remember one incident. (But still, I know I couldn't do no shit about it.) It was one of those days when my sister was out somewhere. My parents and I were watching TV, while Ganesh was playing with his dad. Something happened which I couldn't recall, and Ganesh started crying. Instead of trying to calm him down, his dad snapped. "Shut up! Shut up! I said, SHUT UP!" The louder he yelled, the harder the boy cried. And both of them just wouldn't stop. No, thank God he didn't hit the boy. (Or else I would've beat the crap out of him, regardless the consequences.:x) However, he also did that in front of Dad. It didn't take long for the poor, ailing and sensitive old man to start bursting into silent tears. So much for my effort to keep my negative emotions locked in, so that he wouldn't pick them up all too easily. (Grrh!!:x) And Mom? She took it all so casually she even said, "You know, your father used to do that too when you were little." Was it justifiable, Ma? I don't think so. What can you expect from a one-year-old toddler who still hasn't understood everything yet? I thought grown-ups were supposed to be in control! But then again, who am I to say? About a year ago, I'd planned to move out - despite Mom's possibly negative reaction to my decision. Then Dad fell ill and I had to cancel. What now?? Last Wednesday night, I came home under the rain. My clothes and shoes were wet. I was slightly shivering from the chill. From the window, I saw G riding his stationery bike while watching TV. He saw me in front of the window and frowned. At least, he should've had the decency to climb down for a while and open the locked double doors for me. Nothing happened. I shook the knob and tapped on the wood panel. Nothing. I tried calling Mom's cellphone. No answer. I shook the knob and knocked on the door again. None. No shit. I'd been waiting outside the doors for about five minutes or so, before Mom finally opened one for me. She seemed genuinely surprised. I let myself in without a word. And he quickly escaped to his makeshift study in the garage. Smart move, I must say. "Sorry, I didn't hear my phone," Mom apologized. "I left my cellphone in your brother's room while I was out eating salty chips." "Where? Out out?" Funny I didn't see her outside before. She shook her head. "No, in the living room." "I didn't see you here before." "I was-" "-but I didn't see you." "Of course. I was in front of the food cabinet at the far corner." You think I didn't know, Ma? You were defending him again, no matter what he did. It's a sign, Bear told me. An exit sign for me. Time to leave the house. When? In the process. The only problems are probably telling Dad when the time comes...and separating with Ganesh. The Author

ONCE UPON A TIME...
Once upon a time she existed in your life. Her smile to chase away your frown. Your laughter was her favourite sound. Never a main character though she showed up once in a while a bright little star in your night sky. All too soon, her glow has reached her doom. Why the sudden gloom? Through your window she can see, there is no you in the room. Where are you now? Has she caused something somehow? The neon street-lights have defeated her beam Now she's just growing dim. Oh, well. What else is to dwell? Nothing more than a wishful thinking. Then why is she still hoping? Dull, how cruel. Perhaps it's time for her to hide behind the black clouds and pretend it never mattered. Once upon a time, she existed in your life. Just a name, a face on the frozen screen, a distant voice on the machine. It didn't take that long for her to be erased as if there was nothing wrong and she was just another face. The Author

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"A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH GOD" You know my questions like You know all the answers. Please, give them to me. (Jakarta, August 14, 2010 - 11:00 pm) "EYE CANDY" You are good-looking but I know I can't have you. Just an eye-candy. (Jakarta, August 14, 2010 - 11:25 pm) "FRIEND/STRANGER?" I miss you so much. Is my best friend still there, or just a stranger? (Jakarta, August 14, 2010 - 11:35 pm)

THE OLD DEVIL CALLED 'HEAVY SKEPTICISM'
How do I define a fine weekend?:D First, it's not having to wake up early to work. Second, it's having your favourite local radio stations playing your favourite rock songs all day and night. You can sing a lot all you like. You don't care if it's fasting month, when you're strongly advised to rest your throat as much as possible. You know, talk less and think (and definitely pray) more. Singing a lot can make you feel thirsty. I'm not that hungry, thankfully. I've learned to control that part better. More than once, I've been trying to find a more luxurious time to write. You know, the kind that has no distractions. (How busy and demanding the world is.) A lot of stuff are going around in my head, as usual. However, what still bothers me the most is that I still dream of him again. Even when I've already asked God to push him out of my thoughts for good. I've already avoided all the cheesy romantic movies and love songs. I hate it. I hate hate it. I never thought that I would finally come to this, but it's finally here. Oh, well. No need to say that out loud.:| Let it be just between God and me. Besides, only He knows what to do. I mean, Ramadan is a special month - full of God's magical blessings and forgiveness. I believe in that. I know it is. They say our prayers are closest to God that He will simply grant them quicker than usual. We can ask for anything. There's no such thing as 'too much'. Can I at least have my best friend back, or has he already turned into some stranger I should never disturb again? Am I asking for too much? Don't get me wrong. Despite everything, I still wonder whether there will come a time when I can at least start believing in love again. Will it ever? I want to believe, but I don't know what to believe in. I mean, what kind of love must I believe in? Is it the love that always sends me back down to the same old, personal, earthly hell alone? It's not that I'm always sad and depressed about my own life here.:P I mean, there are great things I enjoy about living single too.:D It's just the low prospect of love that runs my blood cold. My skepticism has enhanced the poison. Day by day, I feel myself growing emotionally distant from people, even the ones I really, really love. They can still see me smile, but do they notice something else? Do they even have the time and patience to notice and appreciate (the real) me? Maybe I shouldn't be too selfish, expecting people to always be there for me. That's not right. I should be Ms.Independent, remember? I'm not supposed to fall apart again. Ever. I mean, I've done a pretty good job so far. Even too good sometimes. I'm very good at being alone that sometimes most people - especially guys - think that I don't need them at all. However, everytime I open up, shit always happens. That makes me believe that nobody will always be there for you, even when they've already promised you, "I'll always be there for you. You'll always have me. Nothing's going to change us." Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* I may sound bitter again to you, but that's just a fact. Some things are just out of your hands, no matter how hard you try. Let's face it. That's life. There's your reality. You're not going to die that easily, are you? "The older you get, the fewer friends that stick around." That's a scary thought about growing up, but also a fact. It's not always because you're in a big fight or they get bored of you or anything negative like that. It's also not always because there's something wrong with either of you. It just...happens. Does it hurt? Well, if they really mean that much to you, of course it does. Who says it's easy? Who says you have to be tough all the time a.k.a. cold as ice about it? I'm sure it's the same damn thing with love. (Ugh.*rolls eyes*) It has nothing to do with you being nice/sweet/sour/bitchy/cold/whatever. When they notice you, good. When they don't, they don't. I can even say something about the self-help books like "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches": No, God. Please, don't send me guys like that.:O I wonder why they need women to be bitches to them, just to make their miserably boring lives more interesting and exciting. Come on, that's just so bloody pathetic.*sneers* But then again, what the hell do I know?*shrugs* If guys think I'm too kind for them, would they like me better if I got bitchy? I highly doubt it (especially because my vile tongue can simply make even the strongest man cry.:P No joke.) I could be, but what for? That won't get me anywhere. That's also stupid. Maybe some people are meant to be alone for the rest of their lives. Why? How come? I don't know. How do they cope? How ready are they? I wish I had the decency to ask them such questions, because I've met good people who - ironically - are still alone. Am I one? Will I become one? I want to believe...that everyone has their soulmate. Is it too much to ask? The Author

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"THANKFUL" I thanked God for you. You were there to cheer me up and you surely have. (Jakarta, August 8, 2010 - 3:10 pm) "SINGLE AND HAPPY" Single and happy. The return of the old me. That is who I'll be. (Jakarta, August 8, 2010 - 3:15 pm) "BETTER" You cannot break me by calling me a weirdo. I'm better than that! (Jakarta, August 8, 2010 - 3:20 pm)

POST-EUPHORIA
I know it's been over a week since the last time I wrote about Hoobastank.:P Whatever. I've gotten so busy as usual. Still, I'm going to try to recap as many as I can possibly remember. You know me.:) First of all, Hoobastank's bass player's name is Jesse, not Jeff.*blushes* I've simply misheard Doug that night, but I think that's quite understandable, considering the changes - from Markku to Josh to Jesse. Will he make a permanent member in the band?:) We'll see. Let's hope so. Some friends also asked me why I didn't try hard to get their autographs or take a picture with them - at least as a proof that I'd been there. Well, I'm afraid I am not that kind of fan - and I am fine that way. I mean, I love their music. I really, really do.:D (And they're also nice guys in general - not some snob celebrities who think they can take on the world under their feet.) For me, it's already enough that I come up to them and tell them I enjoy their work.:D That's all. I must respect their personal space as regular people too, right? Then again, everybody's different.*shrugs* This is just me. Once again, I had a bad luck with guys.*big evil grin* This is pretty funny and ironic, at least to me. The morning before Hoobastank's concert at night, I had to teach at ten in the same place I'd gone to in Panglima Polim, Blok M, South Jakarta. Normally, not many teachers show up at that hour. That was why I got quite a shock the moment I stepped in. You see, I have this weird habit of unconsciously talking to myself when I have a lot on my mind. So that day, I murmured, "Do you know what I really want to do after this?" Then I suddenly noticed someone, right behind a pillar. There he was, nicely sitting in front of his open laptop. He was clearly staring at me with his "Are-you-talking-to-me?" look.*blushes* Okay, that was embarrassing. I grinned nervously at him. "Uh, sorry. I thought I was alone here." Lame. Ugh.*rolls eyes* He's a tall, pretty well-built Caucasian guy. Probably in his early thirties, with a nice oval face, big brown eyes, thick dark eyebrows (hmm, sexy!:P), and short dark hair. So my type, hehe.:D Seriously good-looking. And he was friendly too. Rather talkative. Hmm, wait. He likes talking...a lot. Whoa.:O The moment we introduced ourselves to each other and began a conversation, he did most of the talking. I mean, seriously. He was funny and very expressive for a guy. His laughter was nice too. I kinda liked him. He sounded genuine. His name is Tony and he's from Sydney.:) He enjoys comedies and hates horror movies, because he's the type of guy who likes to loosen up. Just like me, he's got a brother and a sister and he loves playing Tetris. (Don't laugh, it's a cool classic!:P) However, it only took another week to simply crush my expectation on him. (Also, I got an inside tip.) First of all, my friend Linda (who works there too) informed me that he was not single. (Aargh!:|) His status on Facebook says: "in a relationship". Second, he once referred to a guy who goes to watch movies with him back home as "my partner". My partner?:O I hate to be annoyingly suspicious and judgemental, but how many straight guys out there are using that term? *deep sigh* Oh, well. It doesn't matter.:P At least he can still be a good friend.*shrugs* After all, that's what I'm really good at so far. Finding a friend instead of a guy who might be interested in me. No big deal. I get that a lot. It's not something to mope about. *sneers* A day after the concert, I hung out with Jules and Mz.D in Plaza Senayan after work. It's been a while since the last time I actually had fun with them.:D We checked out cool stuff at The Body Shop and Kinokuniya (the bookstore). I swear to you, if I hadn't remembered a lot of still-unread books at home, I would've purchased something there.*big evil grin* Imagine my sister with (especially discounted) shoes and handbags. That's how I am with the books!*giggles* However, I did buy something at...Mark&Spencer's.:O*gasps* Somehow, the ladies managed to convince me to buy a pair of suitable-looking gray trousers for work. Me! The rebellious tomboy who hardly cares about fashion and thinks that every local retail store in town is always discriminating people with her body size and over. (Seriously, once I felt like punching a saleslady in the face because their XL stuff didn't fit and they coldly stated that they didn't have anything BIGGER than that. Ugh!:x) "Only once in a while," both Jules and Mz.D urged me. Come to think of it, they were right. It's not like I'm doing that everyday.:P (And not everyday I can find clothes that really suit me in this city.:|) Besides, as Mz.D put it, it's a good investment on my professional life. No, I'm not going to mention the price, although they were already discount-tagged.:P I don't want to feel guilty about something I've earned. I deserve it. Then we had dinner at "Fatburgers" - Bear's recommendation - where I'd somehow successfully managed to make Jules laugh like crazy with my stories about how my sister forced me to have my curly hair straightened and thick eyebrows plucked back in college years. I don't know whether my tales were really that funny, or it was just the way I told her.:P A week after that, I only had a morning class on Wednesday at Panglima Polim again. (Of course, I met Lovely Tony again, hehe.:P) Mz.D came by after work. I let her catch up with some of her colleagues there. Then she and I went to PIM after that. We checked out two bookstores - Gramedia and Peri Plus. We had dinner at Bakmi Gajah Mada and watched "Salt". For a resurfaced love-cynic like me, that movie was perfect.*sneers* Angelina Jolie was an awesome tough spy there. Liev Schreiber? Yummy.:P The plot is standard, but the twists and turns are nicely done. So unpredictable. Well, what's my next adventure?:D Only God knows how it goes and I shall follow. The Author

HAVING A 'LIVE AND LOUD' NIGHT WITH HOOBASTANK
Dear Doug, Dan, and Chris, My name is Ruby Astari. I am a 28-year-old English teacher and aspiring freelance writer. My college friend first introduced me to your music and I instantly fell in love after watching your concert for the first time. I started collecting all your songs any chance I get. I realized that I found myself connected.:) I got my second luck watching your show on January 23, 2007 - a day after Chris' 33rd birthday. Lately,things have been a bit rough and stagnated in my real life. I'm worried about my father who is still battling the stroke. I feel emotionally detached to the people I love. I miss my best friend too, because I sense a strain between us. I'm also on a critical point of losing my faith in love. Yes, Doug. I was the crazy girl in an orange shirt standing right in front of you that night. I don't expect you to remember me, but I flashed this message to you: "MY THIRD TIME ATTENDING YOUR CONCERT. CAN I REQUEST A SONG? 'GOOD ENOUGH' OR 'WHO THE HELL AM I?' THANKS. love, RUBY ASTARI" That was after you started the show with "Just One". Doug, you just smiled at me and said, "I'll try, but I have to convince these guys." (Speaking of that, I didn't catch your additional bass player's name. Was it Jeff? Sorry if I'm mistaken.) But then,although you didn't play any of my requests, I didn't mind. Actually, it's always hard for me to pick a favourite from all of your tracks. The guy in a white jacket and glasses standing next to me with his girlfriend had been worried that you might not have performed "Running Away". I'd told him to keep the faith, and you guys did after "Inside of You" (which always makes me want to dance.) I loved it when you played "I Don't Think I Love You". After hearing "What I Meant To Say" for the first time, I think I'm going to look for your acoustic album. Soon I hope. "Same Direction" and "Up and Gone" sounded very different and unique in acoustic version. "The Letter" has always made me cry, because it is indeed a sad song and the way you sing it, Doug - it just brings tears to my eyes. So heart-wrenching. That was why I cried again when you played that. I even called out to you guys, "Man, that was sad. You made me sad!" I don't know why you sounded so surprised and said, "Sad? I'm feeling happy tonight. I didn't mean to make you sad. Why are you crying?" Man, that was quite embarrassing, because you and Dan and the audience laughed at me. I could tell that you were happy and so was I. It's just a really sad song and I'd also told you, "Because that was beautiful!" Anyway, Doug - that meant so much to me when you pointed at me and said to everyone," Let's cheer this lady up again with our next song!" Thank you. "If I Were You" is a very inspiring track. (Also, I was happy that I'd made an extra cue before that one, hehe.) Then you guys went on with "Tears of Yesterday". I could sense that when you played "So Close, So Far", you were thinking about the people you love back home. It's a heart-warming one. I tried hard not to cry again when you played "Unaffected". Btw, I love "Is This The Day?" When you played "My Turn", I suddenly thought about the real world and me. Of course, we all sang along with you in "The Reason". I think you knew the guy next to me had already spotted your song list, because your crew hadn't placed it strategically that he could sneak a peek and take a picture of it. Oh, he even showed it to his girl and me. Haha, gotcha! "Pieces" sounds kinda soft in acoustic, but that's okay. When you ended the show with "Crawling In The Dark", I'd suddenly wanted to laugh because I remembered your last concert in Jakarta when the amp suddenly blew up and Dan's electric guitar went dead in the middle of the song. Thank God nothing like that happened again last night. Dan, you seemed to be in a playful mood. You kept making funny, comical expressions to people who took pictures of you and called out to you. But I really, really loved your smile that night. I knew that I acted like a crazily ecstatic fan, but I didn't care. That was just the real me, inside and out. Dan, sorry I was joking about you 'getting the manicure'. I knew your fingers hurt so much from playing guitar a lot for your previous show in Bali, and I was the closest to the stage to notice that you were wincing after playing each song. I hope your fingers heal soon! I also thank God that the audience weren't the aggressive type. I guess that was why both of you - Doug and Dan - felt safe enough to come forward and shake our hands after the show, before leaving the stage. I hope you know I mean it when I shook your hands, looked up to you,smiled and said, "Thank you! Thank you so much!" Dan, even you stayed longer for the fans who were looking to get your autograph and take pictures with you. I had a chance to come up to you and asked, "Are you guys coming back soon?" "I don't know," you said as you looked at the camera, squatting next to a smiling girl. Well, very well, then. I really do hope you guys are coming back soon. All in all, it was a great performance. The only problem was the fact that we had to wait for over 1.5 hours for you before the show. I feel so lucky. I thank God again that I didn't miss the announcement of your show on Facebook. I've never felt that close to you like that night too. You aren't just some snob celebrities out of reach. To me, you are truly talented musicians and such an inspiration. For that, I love you with all my heart. You have given us your great acoustic performance...and simply cheered this lady up! Thank you and hope to see you again soon. You've given me a reason to smile again. Maybe next time, you'll write another great song that can make me believe in love again. Cheers. love, Ruby Astari

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"PEACE AND QUIET" Once in a bit while I choose to stay late at night for peace and quiet. (Jakarta, July 25, 2010 - 10:20 pm) "LET HIM BE" A friend is confused after reading all these notes. Ah, just let him be! (Jakarta, July 25, 2010 - 10:30 pm) "WELCOMING HOOBASTANK" Welcome back, fellows! Please give your best performance to cheer this girl up! (Jakarta, July 25, 2010 - 10:40 pm - three days before "Hoobastank: Live and Loud at HRC,eX at 9:00 pm)

SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE :)
Thankfully, I've discovered another way of making (hopefully more) money for the family. In fact, Mom has been doing it for years. I wasn't surprised she'd barely noticed its potential.:P She is not as ambitious as I am. You see, my mother is The Queen of The Crossword Puzzles at home.:) She always does the one from the Sunday KOMPAS I buy. While I'm in for the features, fiction, and poetry - she's in for that. She's that good too. She mostly can finish about 80% of the puzzles. She only quits when her eyes are too tired and the riddles are too hard. Sometimes she asks me to help her figure out the difficult ones. When I know I help, when I don't I can't. Once I asked her if there was any valuable prize for that, she shrugged it off - telling me it was just for fun. She needs it to keep her brain functioning well.:) I started noticing it last week. She said she couldn't finish the last five riddles, so I decided to give it a try. Surprisingly I could. I also noticed that she got the rest all correct. (No surprise, after years of experiences and practices.) Then, when I noticed the value of the prize (a sum of pretty good enough money, of course!:P), I convinced Mom to send the answers to the newspaper. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.:) Mom agreed to try and I had sent it away on Monday. This is a good idea.:D Maybe we should make it a regular thing. Oh, yeah. You can say I'm a quiz addict.:) Anything with interesting prizes will get my attention. If it's not too much trouble, I always give it a try. In the past, I have won a few cool stuff, like: CDs, free vouchers, books, and even money too. It cheered me up when I didn't have much, but I still do that sometimes today.:) Well, speaking of that, there are more to come.:) I read that Cosmopolitan Indonesia (where my late best friend Pumpkin used to work) is having a singing competition next month. (Since I'm 28, I can still join. YAY!:D) They have three categories: solo, group, and band. All participants must be females between the age of 25 - 28. I'm not sure what to choose, but Gigi said she was interested to try out too. She suggested that we perform a duet for the contest. I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see. With or without anyone, I'll still go along. That's me.:) Hmm, what else? My still favourite local radio station 95.1 Kis FM is looking for new announcers, so I'm going to try that out too - again.:) I don't know. I just want to keep myself busy. I need it. Another great news: I am not missing another Hoobastank's live performance here. Yes, people!:D My favourite rock band is coming again to my city. They'll be performing on July 28 at nine pm (which is next Wednesday) at Hard Rock Cafe, eX Plaza, Thamrin, Central Jakarta. And of course, I have already bought the ticket.:D The Author

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"AFTER WORK" She deserves a break after long, working hours just to make ends meet. (Jakarta, July 23, 2010 - 6:15 pm) "THE GRAY KITTY" Hello, gray kitty! I see you on my front porch avoiding the rain. (Jakarta, July 23, 2010 - 7:25 pm) "HIS FACE" Help me, God, help me. I don't want to see his face when I close my eyes. (Jakarta, July 23, 2010 - 7:30 pm)

A SMALL TRIBUTE TO THE OVERLOOKED AND DEFEATED
There are so many things I want to write about these days. Ideas are swimming inside my head, waiting to get out. Plus, another fasting month is coming soon.:) I can't hardly wait! I've even bought a lot of books to help me pass the time. There are interesting writing contests too. It's time to be back in the game!:D But then, what am I going to write first? Besides, there are other, more important priorities too. End-of-term is coming and I am still drowning in papers to correct and assess.:| Hmm... Well, my ideas can wait...but not too long this time.:P Some of my friends who have read my stories since teenage years mostly thought they were good, but way too gloomy. Even my old college friend Putri complained, "Why do you always write something dark? Why not try something much lighter, the kind with a happy ending?" At that time, my first thought was: typical. Cliche.*big fat yawn* Not so original and all too predictable. What else is there? However, despite my heavy sarcasm, I'm aware that's what everybody likes. (By everybody, I mean: "normal people.") They always want something to keep their hopes up, something to make them smile. (I know I do too, but that's not the point here.:|) I mean, check out all the best-selling novels and Hollywood flicks out there. It's all good, but too much of anything is just the same in the end, right? Well, it's not like I've never tried. Back in the days when my old college best friend Pumpkin was still alive, he'd introduced me to...chick-lits and chick-flicks. From him, I borrowed all Sophie Kinsella books he owned. Not so bad.*shrugs* My sister bought me Jane Green's "Jemima J" (the story of a young, obese woman who struggles to transform herself into a new, hot chick - only because she's lied to a handsome guy on the internet and he wants to meet her face-to-face.) But after some time, I got bored like hell. And my very first attempt at writing a regular, happy love story ended up in a complete disaster. It was like, fake. I mean, FAKE in huge block letters. I was not feeling it. AT ALL. *deep sigh* Long ago, when Red first visited this city, I took him to an art exhibition nearby. I told him all about my favourite movies, one of which was "Heart" - this really sad story about a tomboyish basketball player who has a terrible accident that leaves her legs amputated. Soon, she dies after having her liver transplanted into the body of her best friend's beautiful and feminine girlfriend - because the poor girl is dying of syrosis(sp?) The tomboy, however, is still an ordinary girl - in love and heartbroken at the same time. Playing basketball with the only guy she ever loves all her life means the whole world to her, even if she has to deal with the existence of his girlfriend. Knowing the girl's serious illness and how heartbroken he'll be if she dies, the tomboy does what any real best friend ever would - all in the name of true love. (And I've vowed to never watch it again. The first time I did, I couldn't stop crying my eyes out for minutes or so.:'-( Mom - who'd also watched it - thought the chubby tomboy character is like me.:|) "You like all sad movies." Red cringed. "Why?" "Because that's just the reality I often see when it comes to love." I couldn't believe it that he'd wanted to laugh at that. What? At least I wasn't too damn naive into believing that love was always that picture-perfect. (Ugh.*rolls eyes*) I mean, what is so bloody wrong about 'preparing for the worst'? That doesn't make me an acute pessimist. And I also couldn't believe that I hadn't told him this: "I don't know. Maybe you could change my gloomy perception about love." Maybe the miracle would've happened.*shrugs* Ah, whatever. My dear friend Black Polar Bear (he simply calls himself that sometimes *giggles*) also said,"You write what you write because that main character has always been you in the first place. Put a nice happy-ending and that'll make a difference and not spoil the readers' mood." A happy ending?? I know what kind of a happy ending he talks about. The only happy ending I can probably write about is that the good people win, the bad ones lose, the hero saves the day...and all that jazz.:P You see, this is what I like about non-romantic movies. It's all about focusing on how to defeat evil, not how to win the girl/guy of your dreams. The hero has no time worrying about whether the special someone loves him/her too. Less of a(n unnecessary) stress. The thing is, I have my reasons. Not many people want to deal with the dark side of this reality. (But eventually, they have to, once in a while.) They only care about the leading character reuniting the love of his lives, arms wrapped around each other and stuff before the camera freezes the shot. The hero sweeps the damsel in distress off her feet. The beautiful princess wins the heart of her prince charming. The beast gets re-transformed into a handsome prince. That's it. That's all. They don't care about the minor characters that much, those who fight to win the love of the leading man/lady with all their might - but only have to lose in the end. They don't get proper credits or the spotlight they too deserve, even just a bit. I bet not many of the audience remember the real name of "The Phantom of The Opera" (which is, ironically, the main theme of the story.:P Bad analogy?) I'm sure most of them only remember that - in the end - the beautiful opera singer Christine chooses the handsome Raoul. Come to think of it, it's a classic case. Everyone wants to get closer to the popular figure. Nobody bothers with the commoners, even worse the wallflowers and the loners. Complaining how unfair the whole shit is just won't do any good to anyone. I guess, in a way, I'm trying to pay a small tribute to the somewhat overlooked...and defeated. We all claim that beauty is more than skin deep, but let's just be blatantly honest with ourselves: How many of us really look deeper? How much do we really want to? You can say that this whole thing is just another state of my personal bitterness. You can even tell me that I've been in this dark side of love for too damn long. Well, I've never asked for any of this, anyway. Nobody ever has. I just don't buy it that popular people have to get all the spotlights. These ordinary people also deserve the break, but - sadly - some still have to wait. Is it really what they deserve, or am I being too much of an idealist again? I don't know if I'll ever be able to write something lighter...with a juicy happy ending people like better. Is this normal? The crazy shit is, because of this many of them tend to misunderstand so much. Hell, I get that a lot. Why the hell should I even take it personal? The Author

CREEPY THOUGHTS
I think I must use thicker pillows to sleep.:| Lately, I've been having this similar, weird dream. (A 'well-labeled' weirdo with a weird mind?*big evil grin* Well, maybe.:P) Me, meeting Doraemon (a famous Japanese manga character - a blue, earless robotic cat) and asking him to lend me his magic door. With that magic door, we can go wherever we want to just by wishing it hard and then opening the door. Well, that's exactly what I always do in that dream. I open the magic door and enter some foreign area. (Where is it? I think hard to myself. All I remember is that I want to escape.) So I step in and look around. Cool breeze blows past me. I shiver slightly. Where am I? Everything is bright and crystal clear. No pollution. A few trees and the rest are classic, old buildings. Then I see him among the busy crowd, standing tall and staring at me from across the street. I can't see his face clearly, but - somehow - I know exactly who he is. It's the same old face I've been missing for a very long time.:( It's the face I'd like to see for real, even for just once in my entirely mortal life. I feel myself walking towards him. I can't help it. I don't know why. I just need to see him close, making sure that he's still real and not just some random stranger or an imaginary friend slowly fading away. But most importantly, I want him to never forget me. Ever. I don't want to be either the ghost he can't see or a hideous freak he simply prefers to avoid for good. Worst of all, I miss him. I despise the undeniable fact that I still do. It's slowly killing me within.:( I hate this. He doesn't look too happy to see me. Horrified is the more appropriate word. (Of course, how in the hell would you react if you saw a door out of nowhere with a person showing up from behind it?*sneers*) Then I feel myself slowly waking up. A part of me feels somewhat relieved that I don't have to scare him that much anymore. (I never want to hurt him, remember?) But then, the other part of me feels like crying: No. Not yet. Oh, God. Please, not now. I still want to see him. Please... Then I woke up feeling cold. Not for long, I rearranged my pillows and tried to go back to sleep, silently praying: Do me a favour, God. I deserve my peaceful sleep here. I don't ever want to see his face again in my dreams!:( *deep sigh* Ah, whatever.*rolls eyes* Maybe it's just exhaustion. Nothing more. Nothing too bloody serious here. *sneers* I didn't pass the audition for The Biggest Loser Asia 2. No surprise.*shrugs* I think there are still so many people out there who need it more than I do. It's not just about looks, but also health. I feel pretty good now, although still not in a 100% shape. (Whatever the hell that means, hehe.:P) It would be nice to be able to escape to Malaysia for three months, though. Even nicer if I could win the US$100,000 and a brand new car. But then again, that wasn't my main reason. I just want to get away... What do I really want? These days, I want a lot of things. Not surprisingly, I mostly do. Some of them are impossible ones, I'm afraid. For example, I want love, but I don't want to fall. (How's that possible? How come there's no other way? Is it even fair, knowing that there's always a chance that you might crash and burn alone too many times in the end - and no one even gives a damn? I mean, come on. Enough is enough for one person alone, God!) Hmm, let's see. What else do I really want? Surprisingly, I want to know how it feels to make a handsome hunk fall for me and then coldly break his heart in the end. (Which is highly impossible, since - let's just face it - most guys, as one of my friends put it once, just don't look that deep. Right?*sneers* Right??) But then, how will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror after that? Of course not, since basically, I never like hurting other people - no matter how much I'm in pain at the moment. So, scratch that.:P Don't worry.:)It's just one of those ugly days when you relapse. Don't worry. It'll pass - as always. Think of it as a seasonal bug.:P "You need love, girl," my good friend Bear said teasingly. I sneered back at him. "But love doesn't need me that much." "Don't say that." "It's true, because that's all I always see." I shrugged. "That's what keeps happening." "It'll change. Just wait." I raised my eyebrow, skeptically. Do you know what I really need these days? (Well, aside of more money to begin with?*big evil grin*) I need love to STOP making fun of me, treating me as one of its favourite casualties. I need a reason - at least one - to believe in it again. Most of all, I want this pain to go away. I'm not asking for too much, right? God?? I'm still reading Karen Rose's "Die For Me". (Oooh.:O) But don't be fooled by the title, because there's a sad part where Sophie tells her Uncle Frank that: "All good guys are already taken." Ha-ha!*sneers* Even thriller books have that. Thank God CAE Final Exams were over last Thursday. (A day-off from work which ended with my terrible headache that I had to buy an aspirin on my way home.:|) I'm not sure I did the writing part that well, because I was already exhausted and...distracted.*blushes* Amber's colleague Gene, who assessed our speaking test, was quite good-looking. (Thick dark eyebrows? Check. Hehe.:P) That was my first impression on him until he first smiled and bared the nicotine on his teeth. Eww! Then I heard from other female teachers that he was such a player. Once he managed to make two female teachers fight over him, but then he chose none. Ha! Double eww.:| Handsome guys are some of my weaknesses, but thankfully not the worst. Once knowing their ugliest side is more than enough for me to avert my dreamy gaze. Hehe.*sneers* "Why is it so hard for you to move on?" I'm sorry. I don't understand that question. If there were a smart doctor who invented the pills to cure a broken heart instantly, then I'd like to take one. Two, since the poison is this lethal.:P Once again, it's not about ANY of them. It's about me. People talk about 'forgive and forget' as quick and easy as instant commercials, but I happen to be the person I have trouble forgiving. Why did I ever have to fall in love in the first place? "I won't cry for a guy, I won't cry for a guy, I won't cry for a guy..." "There, there." Pumpkin hugged me that day, when I realized that Joza and I would never be the same again. Not even as 'just good friends', but 'people who used to know each other pretty well, once upon a time'. "I can tell your mantra's not working." "I wish I had never fallen in love with him. I despise myself for such stupid wishful thinking." "No, please don't say that." "I wish I had never been in love with him or any other guy. I don't want that happen again." "You don't mean that," he said. Maybe, just like most people who claim they want to die after their broken hearts when all they ever really want is for their pain to completely go away. "What is so good about falling in love when in the end it always breaks your heart? I hate it, Pumpkin." "I know, sweetie. I know." Love. Even that single word simply runs my blood cold these days... The Author

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"HATE INSIDE LOVE" Love's a distraction. Jealousy's a deadly beast. Heartache is poison. (Jakarta, June 27, 2010 - 2:50 pm) "A WAKE-UP CALL" Miss Independent, they're not even worth your time. They don't deserve you. (Jakarta, June 27, 2010 - 3:00 pm) "NO PROMISES, PLEASE!" Promise me nothing for I can just remember your every word. (Jakarta, June 27, 2010 - 8:16 pm)

THE LAST PHONE CALL
It was just another ordinary Sunday morning. My brother told me that we were having another squash game in the afternoon. Of course I was in, so I started preparing. She called Mom and then Mom told me. She was saying goodbye and Mom had simply wished her well. I freaked out, frantically searching for my cellphone. There was a missed call from her. I called her back, swallowing a sudden lump in my throat as hard as I could. To my relief, she replied brightly. Of course, she was going to have the eternal bliss of the rest of her life ahead. Isn't she lucky? And what kind of a friend am I, if I'm not being fair and supportive enough? How the hell will I be able to look at myself in the mirror if I'm not doing what any noble lady should in this circumstance? A noble lady should let love go when it never wants to stay for her since beginning, and shake the winner's hand. It's (supposed to be) as simple as that, isn't it? "I'm on my way to the airport with my sister and friend," she told me. Somehow, a part of me wished that I had been there too. "My flight's at two." "Oh." Don't cry, I ordered myself silently, staring hard at the mirror. Don't you even start that. "Sorry about last Friday. I wish I hadn't been so tired after the workshop to meet you." For one last time, I added silently. Damn, my eyes were betraying me. They started turning red. "That's okay," she said lightly. "I know we've been so busy with our own schedules lately, although I'd really like to see you for one last time." "Me too." I realized that I'd really meant it. I missed the good old days, back when we were these tough, independent chicks against the world. Back before love came along to show just how frail the strongest friendship could actually be. Why do they feel like a universe away now? Is it because I also tend to take things for granted, believing that the good things will always stay for me? I am only fooling myself, aren't I? "I think you're one of their best, so that is why they are still keeping you busy." "You're one of the main reasons why I took this job in the first place." I tried to smile, but it was crooked - like a dentist's patient's after a major surgery. Did she know that I was silently crying too? Could she tell? I thought I could always fake it on the phone, but that never worked with Tiger and...Red. Her Cute Redhead now. "I am sure you'll be more successful than ever someday," she went on softly. "You've got the special talent." "You too." Oh, cut this melodrama crap! Why does goodbye have to suck? "Don't worry, there's always Facebook and everything, right?" "Yeah, we can still talk," she agreed. "This is not our last goodbye. We'll meet again someday, either here or somewhere in this world." "I hope so." And I really want to. "Make sure he takes care of you." She giggled. "Don't worry, he will." "Make sure HE takes care of you, alright?" Because no matter what, I still never want you to have to feel what I am still feeling right now.:( "You take care too. Say hi to your dad and everybody else at home, because I only got to talk to your mom. I hope Ganesh will grow healthier too." "Thanks, I will." "Bye." Then I hung up and collapsed. I had to bury my face in my pillow. :'-(... Take care of her, Red. I swear to God, if you ever hurt her the way you've hurt me in the past, I will never forgive you. My friend Jules once said that love is actually a privilege. If that is the case, then how many people who actually deserve it? Am I one of them? Have I always been the major problem that love prefers to avoid? Either way, I am still going to miss her. Isn't she lucky? Someone out there has finally noticed her that much. The Author

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"THE FLIRTATIOUS YOU" Well, I have been warned that you are so flirtatious with every girl. (Jakarta, 18/6/2010 - 10:00 pm) "THE (POWERFUL) BALLAD" Adele sings her song 'Chasing Pavements' on TV as I burst in tears. (Jakarta, 18/6/2010 - 10:35 pm) "PRIDE 2" Don't ever reach out to someone who doesn't care. Learn to be alone. (Jakarta, 18/6/2010 - 10:35 pm)

THE ORDINARY WEEK
Not much to talk about this week. I just hung out with Circus Bear at his place one Tuesday night before he drove me home. Meeting his funky mother in a night dress, a youthful 70-something old lady who still plays Pet Society online until after midnight. He told me that's all she does in her spare time.:P Cool, I think. Most of the time, we only talked and joked around in his room. That felt like college again.:) He showed me funny pictures of cats and dogs, and we giggled until his mother texted his cellphone, telling him that his father had asked us to be quiet a little.*blushes* I've been a little left behind with work, but now I am slowly catching up with it. One thing is super, though.:D Our TOEIC results have come out, and I've got a 855. Not bad, eh? Mz.D has got the highest - 990! But she said the average was 500, so most of us are great.:) She said all I need is to expand my vocabulary and read more business letters. (Sounds like what I also need to do for my upcoming CAE Final Exams.) At least I've got something to be proud of these days.:) I showed it to my parents at home and Dad just burst into silent tears. Mom congratulated me, but she somehow knew it was coming anyway. Hmm, what else? I think I've gone back to my addiction to quizzes. (Not in the school context.:P) If The Biggest Loser Asia doesn't accept me, I think I am ready to sign up for another local TV show - where the contestants have to accept a scary challenge: staying up late two nights in a row in places that are (rumoured to be) haunted. I know it sounds silly, but what they give you is equal to my monthly salary. Imagine that.*big evil grin* The Author

PERFECTLY...SCRUTINIZED :(
"In this era of over-glorifying (outer) image and sheer vanity, where does someone like me actually belong?" Oh, yeah.:P Where am I supposed to stand? This Saturday, I am attending The Biggest Loser Asia's audition locally. I have registered online and all I have to carry is the copy of my data to the audition. To be honest, I am not too crazy myself about the idea. It is strictly for fun and curiousity. I am not too ambitious about getting myself picked.*shrugs* No big deal. With or without it, I can still survive. All my friends at work think I don't need to do that. I mean, they are pretty supportive in whatever positive that I want to do. They just worry that I worry too much about what other people think of me. No, it's not about other people anymore. It's about Mom, who still keeps on bugging me about my weight, telling me that I have a serious problem. Just like earlier after work. She brought up the old subject all over again. Boring.*yawns* It is actually okay if she offers me some stuff to just keep me healthy. I'll take it, because I know that she actually means well. I just can't stand that she keeps on implying that I am fat and that she can't stand the way I look. :'-(... "This formula can help you to lose weight - " "You just won't quit it, will you?" A frown. "Look, I am not forcing you to try this, okay? I just think this might work. I just want to improve your looks." As usual, she took me the wrong way.*rolls eyes* And for her last remark, I get it. I get it that she always thinks I don't look good enough, unlike her other, slimmer and taller daughter. I get it, okay? I GET IT! NO NEED TO SAY MORE!!:X I'll never win with this, will I? No wonder I sometimes still hate this world and its cruel, shallow people. Even my own mother can't accept me for me, just like any of them. Is it really so hard to find someone who genuinely looks at you and says,"You're beautiful and I love you for who you are"? I never thought that I would need something like that these days. I miss my best friend.:'-( I hate to admit that I wish he were here or would stick around more and longer, just like the old times. Can we go back there, or am I asking for the impossible and it's just too much? The Author

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"WORDPLAY" Keep playing with words until one of us gets bored and reveals the truth. (Jakarta, June 12, 2010 - 11:00 pm) "RISE AND FALL" They are mean vultures feeding on your every flaw as you rise and fall. (Jakarta, June 12, 2010 - 11;25 pm) "NO PITY (Inspired by the movie "Darkman")" Don't look at these scars I know you can't stand them all Leave while you still can (Jakarta, June 12, 2010 - 11:55 pm)

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
"You can only be your 100% self when you are all alone." Sometime ago, I wrote that on my FB wall. You can tell that the tone is rather bitter and sarcastic - but also an accurate statement of reality. It's not that I have stopped believing in something good in this world anymore. I know that somewhere out there, it still exists. It is what still helps to balance this world, one of the most significant and important elements. However, let's not kid ourselves, shall we?:) Even the kindest people sometimes don't have enough patience to put up with our flaws. Maybe they're tired. Maybe they're bored with you who just (can't/don't/won't?) change for the better, at least a bit to make them a little happy to see your progress. You know they do care about you, but people have their limits. Soon they'll reach their breaking point and walk away, fearing that your dark thoughts and constant mood swings might badly affect them all. You never want that to happen, so you just let them be. Sometimes it's hard to avoid that, even when you have tried your best. You never want to hurt any of them, but sometimes you can't just pretend that the familiar pain doesn't exist within anymore. You loathe every bit of it, but somehow it has found its comfort zone in you. It refuses to go away, so you have to learn to ignore it. Pretend that it is not or has never been there. Maybe someday it will really be gone. For good I hope. It must be. I am sick of its disturbing existence, no matter how bloody cliche it sounds to you. I don't want it anymore. I don't know what to do, God.:( Please tell me. Give me a sign. Answer me. Anything. Come on, I am challenging You now. Prove me wrong that love is not always a sick, twisted mean joke for me. I know that I have never really been good to You and I often ask a lot more than what I really get to deserve. "ONE LAST, ANGRY SHOT AT SORROW?" Sorrow, it's your time to go You are not welcomed anymore I don't want you here It's not you that I fear, but it's repulsion for you that I feel... "You're sick." Sandro chuckled. He and I have become instant good friends, which is good.:) "Come on, girl. Does it always have to be that bad about love?" "I don't know." Good God. My voice sounded hollow. Creepy.:| "All I know is that I have never asked for any of this shit, but the result is always, ALWAYS disastrously, painfully familiar." And bloody cliche like that is always such a pain, I added silently. Painfully boring and repulsive. Yuck.:x "Aww." He was both sympathetic and playful. "You just haven't found someone yet, that's all. Be patient." That's what everybody keeps saying.:P Same old, same old. Painfully (too damn) familiar. *rolls eyes* I remember when I used to be more confident that it would turn out alright, until the day I woke up to see that it was still the same in the end. How the hell will I know it's going to be different next time? It's like, love kept taunting me with its sweet nothings - and then it went like this in the end: "Ha-ha. Gotcha. Who says you're the one he's been looking for all along?" That was never funny. If Stupid Cupid really existed, I would seriously punch him in the face for making fun of me like this. It's not fair. It's not fair, God. I've given all that I could and they still didn't think it was (good) enough). The all still left. Oh, whatever.*scoffs* I am just so sick and tired of even thinking about it now. I am bored to death as well. The only way to maintain my sanity is to keep myself busy with more urgent things ahead. Stay on autopilot, so I appear normal on the outside. Push love aside, for it doesn't seem so promising these days. Isn't that how independent, lonely souls survive? I mean, I study psycho/sociopaths in criminology for both personal and social awareness myself. I have to always make sure that I will never, ever end up like them. So, help me God. "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." -Oscar Wilde- What have I become? I am still the quiet, reserved girl at home. I am the hardworking, tad childlike and comical one at work. The sadder I am on the inside, the more I am compelled to make other people at least smile and laugh.:) Isn't that much better, so that they won't think that you're always gloomy? "You seriously need to stop thinking bad things." Don't you think I am already trying my hardest, Mz.D? I know it's not always a successful effort, but I never stop. If only you knew that I wish I were always as strong and brave as you really are. *deep sigh* Sometime ago when I was a very young teenager, I had this pointless argument with Dad. It was always the classic but quite deadly misunderstanding. I forgot what it was actually about, but I still remember what he'd said at the end: "You're such a freak that nobody understands you or even would want to be with you." I kept most of my everything from him since then, fearing that he'd never understand or at least try to. But I'd silently fumed, fine. It's not like I ever asked any of them to stay with me and for me. After "fat", words like "freak", "weird", or anything similar to that simply tick me off. Just because I rarely react openly doesn't mean I am not offended. I just don't want to appear so weak. "Why are you acting so weird?" Because I am just being me. Have I really been normal anyway? If they can't stand me, they don't have to talk to me. It's that simple and easy. It's not their obligation to stay anyway. These days, I often wonder if what Dad had said back then really was an angry prayer come true. I guess he's regretted it now, because he sometimes silently cries when he looks at me. I must do whatever it takes to show him that I am okay, despite everything. Any negative vibes he picks up can lead him to emotional distress and...another episode of seizure.:( If it gets worse,we'll need to give him an oxygen mask. I used to believe in love and that I would be okay if I had to be on my own for long. Now I can't seem to do both. I need the old me back. They say I can always ask God for anything and a whole lot more. But for now, I just want this familiar pain to leave me alone. "There's a good thing about being you, though." "What is it, Pumpkin?" "Nobody's going to condemn you for loving a man, because they see it as normal." I know, sweetheart.:( I know... The Author

3 in 3 ent.18
"BECOMING FAITHLESS" What have I become? I have lost my faith in love. It's left me alone. (Jakarta, June 7, 2010 - 10:00 pm) "THE OLD ME" I miss the old me. She used to be strong and brave. She has to come back! (Jakarta, June 7, 2010 - 10:15 pm) "SORRY, GOD" I can't stand this pain. Sorry to disappoint You. I'm not that strong, God. (Jakarta, June 7, 2010 - 10:30 pm)

CATCHING UP
Time flies, no matter how cliche that sounds. I can also say this: I hate summer.:( It feels so long. I also get sick easily during midyear. How come? I don't know. All I know is that has ruined my productivity two weeks ago. I hated it. I had to waste my term break in bed and not do anything else. I had a seriously annoying headache, back-pain, and felt extremely nauseaous (sp?). All at once. I'd raided all the painkillers I could find at home and slept most of the time.:( My nightmares were the same and very unpleasant too. In my dreams, I kept seeing the twisted, evil version of Stupid Cupid.:P No kidding. (Please don't call this a cliche too - even as a joke or a half of it - because I'm just not in the mood to hear that. Even if you're one of the people I love, I can still have the evil urge to smack you if you say that to my face. I mean it.:|) Right, so where was I? Ah, Evil Stupid Cupid.*big evil grin* Anyway, he was standing over me in my dark room (I guess) as I was lying down in bed. (Trust me, it's nothing like what you think.*sneers*) He was sneering at me with an evil glint in his eyes. I tried to get up, but something invisibly strong strapped me. Then he showed me a big, pink heart in his hand. He bared his teeth menacingly. "You think you can get away easily from this, can you?" His voice was husky, with a sense of mockery and personal offense in his tone. I glared at the pink heart in his hand and somehow managed a sneer back at him. "You mean...that?" I snorted. But then, to my surprise, the pink heart started beating - as if it were alive. "What the hell is that?" "You know what this is," he challenged me sarcastically. "You're just too much of a coward to acknowledge it." A coward?? I felt my fury rising. How dare he!:x "I am sick of your mean jokes and twisted games," I hissed. "I hate you. Stop giving me these sick illusions and poison. I hate you. I hate you. You just love hurting me this way again and again and I am such a stupid, gullible bitch into believing that someday you're going to be nicer to me for real and for good - not just temporarily." He fell silent. For a moment, he looked as if I'd just slapped him hard in the face. He looked as if I was going to cry, when in fact I was the one supposed to cry. "It's just something that had to happen to you," he suddenly reasoned, but I cut in before he could say more. I was already too angry to even care. "That's all you've got for an explanation? That I deserved all that shit??" When he didn't answer, I went on, "You think that's fair? Can you really blame me for thinking what I am thinking now about the idea of...that??" Silence again. This time, he just looked...expressionless. He shoved the pink heart to my face, a little too close. "This is not about who's to blame, or right and wrong." Then he squeezed the heart tighter and I began hyperventilating. His sharp fingernails dug deep into it, spilling fresh, red human blood out onto me. After that, he suddenly crushed it harder. Splat! I saw red...then black...and then... ...my room. I woke up to find it swaying heavily. Oh, shit. Vertigo. Not this roller-coaster ride again.:( My gut was burning. I shut my eyes and opened them again. The swaying slowed down a bit. Was that a ceiling...or the floor? Oh, whatever. When I tried to get up, the sickness went from gut up to my throat. Uh-oh. I staggered to my bathroom and had to send my previous meal into the sink. Yuck. Okay, that was most of that horrible week. How was the first week at work? The usual drill. Not much to say.*shrugs* At least they'd moved the TOEIC test schedule to June 5.:) I had to crash overnight at Aunt Ria's in Warung Buncit before to avoid possible traffic jam in Pancoran. After all, weekends are often unpredictable. You can expect half the city roll around on the streets. And I was right. Gigi and I had trouble tackling the traffic on our way to the karaoke lounge after the test, even on her motorcycle. At least we finally got there and spent like, three hours singing and goofing around. Her friend Wiwied joined us sometime around that time. He's a quiet, okay short guy. Why do I still hang out with Gigi - even right after our past, used-to-be close friendship had been seriously damaged by her own craziness and her psychotic old boyfriend? Perhaps it's because I've finally been able to sort of dismiss my own feelings. I mean, I've seen people do that to each other more these days. Why the hell should I give a damn so much anymore? They are right. Being too kind simply gets you nowhere and feeling too much just paralyzes you. It is time to be more logical and rational. I need to get myself on autopilot mode again. That is the only way I know to be strong these days. Of course, she said she still wanted to clear some things up with me about...him. Sure, whatever.*shrugs* But if she ever defends him again or even makes up any excuses about all she's done before, I won't put up with any of it. No way. If I often make it easier on people and let them have things their way, then why do most of them still think I am being difficult to them? Strange. Now excuse me, I must catch up on work. I am so left behind these days. The Author

3 in 3 ent 17
"INNOCENCE" I'd like to come home. The innocence in your eyes is so inviting. (Jakarta, 10/5/2010 - 11:26 pm) "AT THIS AGE" Don't be too surprised. I still keep my eyes open, even at this age. (Jakarta, 10/5/2010 - 11:30 pm) "FOREVER...ME" Do not waste your time trying to influence me to be someone else. (Jakarta, 10/5/2010 - 11:43 pm)

CARPE DIEM
I recently had another, much more pleasant dream. In that dream, I went back to college. I was carrying a lot of books and having that big smile on my face, as if I'd won something priceless.:) I think that dream is a good sign.:D I've been working my way to go back there. Maybe one of my scholarship/job applications will get a satisfying answer - an interesting proposition for me.:) Maybe it's all about starting something new, like gaining a whole different perspective and experience. I mean, who knows?*shrugs* Knowledge is power and that is why we should get more. We shouldn't just stop and settle for less. Learning is a lifetime process. Why not seize the day while you're still alive?:D Carpe diem. Or maybe that can also be a reminder to me. I am still preparing myself for CAE Final Exam. Mr.T has signed some of the teachers up for a TOEIC. I think I must prioritize that first, because it will be held on May 29, 2010. (That means skipping a day of squash, but I believe it will be worth it.) Amber has been a 'no-show' for weeks, so I am not sure about the CAE part yet. We still have two more meetings to complete.:P I know I can do this, at least much better than how to get myself a date. Hehe.*big evil grin* Sometimes I wish that part were easier for me, but wouldn't life be awfully boring and maybe not worth-living if we could get whatever we want effortlessly? That could make us take everything for granted and I don't want that happen to me. Some of the ladies are planning to backpack around Bali next year and I am interested to join them.:D Sounds like a perfect escapade for me. I could use a real break/holiday. I deserve it. The Author

PLEASE.LEAVE.ME.ALONE!
On days like this, don't you dare even try to blame me and my personal insecurity whenever I say this. Sometimes, I hate being fat.:( It sucks in too many ways. Why? Look at those judgmental eyes and insulting comments. I mean, who ask for their opinion anyway? Just because you're fat, they think you always eat like a hog. When you go to weddings, we all know there are always buffet tables filled with mega delicious food. But by the time you're about to get home, one of them might casually ask you with that big, dumb-looking smile: "Have you eaten enough yet?" But if you order half a portion at those cheap food vendors, they think you're on a diet - while all you really want to do is eat less, no particular reason. Like that stupid vendor guy one night who grinned and nosily asked, "So, are you on a diet or something? Scared of getting fat?" "You just had to say it, didn't you?" Son of a bitch! If you were in my shoes, I am pretty sure you'd wanted to beat the crap out of him, so he'd know how to shut the hell up next time and mind his own damned business. You may have great friends like mine, telling you that guy was too stupid to be more sensitive and understanding with other people's feelings. Still, he had no right and you didn't deserve that shit. Oh, yeah. Nothing new. Fat people get picked on all the time, even when they're not looking for trouble and want to be left alone. The bitch is, if fat people get so angry and defensive, people easily accuse them for being overly sensitive. It's like no, fat people don't have the right to defend themselves from verbal bullying and they have to put up with that shit for the rest of their lives. That's right. You don't get it. Why don't they choose to condemn the real, more horrible people out there - those who inflict serious pain on others? Why won't they leave you alone, because you've been fair and sensible enough by minding you own business. Then there are the 'good people' who think they know how to solve your problems. "Ignore them, then they'll stop taunting you," they'll say, but we all know the truth. As long as evil exists, the vicious mental cycle will keep on turning. When the bullies won't stop, these 'good people' will divert the problem on you. "If you are so self-conscious and insecure with the way you look, no wonder they won't stop." Ha-ha, the problem is always on you, right?*sneers* After that, all they keep on telling you is stay positive and confident. Well, it's not like you never try. If they think you fail at doing so, maybe they can settle with a Barbie or a Stepford Wife - that, if they prefer something rather abnormal. You know how those two are; always picture-perfect beautiful with wide smiles and fancy dresses. Most importantly, they are never fat. There you go. That can always be heir choice if they think you're being too difficult with yourself and other people. They think you started this whole shit all by yourself? They think you asked for it?? Then there's your own mother, who's never stopped making a fuss about your weight. It doesn't matter that you have a great career and work out regularly. All she wants is for you to be thin, so you can look a little more like your taller, slimmer sister. Diets after diets for years, until you got sick of it all and practically begged her to stop and leave you alone. It doesn't matter that you can sing and are a talented writer. That is just not good enough. All you really want is to hear her say she loves you for who you are and that you are beautiful - the way your dearest friend often says when you're losing faith and confidence. Being good and smart is not good enough. You still can't meet their requirements and you get sick and tired of it all. It always feels like an unpleasantly exhausting sport, a stupid competition that you know you'll never win - yet she's still forcing you to join over and over again until you become the champion. When? And for whom?? You don't care if the guy of your dreams always prefers the picture-perfect, slim beauties. You know it's much harder if your own flesh and blood just won't accept you the way you are. There are too many demands you can't fulfil. Even when you have tried, the progress is so slow that she gets impatient. And for what? Somehow, you can't take it anymore. After she talked about her friend's success in losing weight and said you could try the same solution, you found yourself silently crying alone in front of your television. Not from the sad movie, though. What would they all say if you screamed at them? "I HATE IT! STOP IT! SHUT UP! PLEASE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU CAN'T STAND ME AT ALL!" The Author

STORIES ABOUT ARROGANCE AND IGNORANCE
If you had to encounter with unpleasant situation related to arrogance and ignorance, what would you do? Would being active-aggressive always solve the problem and satisfy you? Would you prefer the other way around, leaving the solution to The Absolute and Divine One we all know as...God? "Say What You (Don't) Mean, Mean What You (Don't) Say" I have listened to a talkshow on a local radio station for some time. (I don't want to be sued like what happened to Prita Mulyasari with Omni Hospital back then, so I'd better not mention the name of this particular radio station.:P) They always air on Monday night. Four weeks ago, I texted my opinion for a topic on their show. I even helped the announcers when they forgot the title of a Nicolas Cage movie. Because of that, they announced that I was one of the five winners that night to get free copies of a sci-fi novels from a new local author. I was so excited. Just when I was ready to jot down their numbers for further confirmation, they suddenly announced on the air that all winners had to wait to be personally contacted by their people. So I put my pen down and waited. Three weeks went by and nothing happened. When I listened to their show again last week, I texted to remind them about their promise. Maybe it was my mistake that I'd waited too long. However, to my surprise, the announcers told me on the air that I had to call them first for further confirmation. They even casually announced their numbers, so that I could take notes. "But three weeks ago, on the air, you said that all the winners had to do was wait for your call," I texted them again. "Which one is for real? Please don't confuse me." And I should have added: "Because I've always enjoyed your show." This time, they didn't even bother to read it on the air. And they didn't even get back to me. Not at all. I know that practical people would tell me to just call them first and get it over with, but that is not the point. It is about keeping your word. I wonder why some media people have to act that way. It is actually a sad fact that they have to be that arrogant to their loyal audience, as if their attention is very dispensable. Doesn't even one voice matter? "The Locker Room Super Silliness" You can say I am exaggerating, but how would you feel if something like this happened to you? Last Thursday was a public holiday, so I played squash with my brother and his friends. When I was done playing, I went to the ladies' room to change. I was sweating a lot, so I decided to take a shower. I took only what I needed and left my green gym bag on a long, spacious cement bench. While I was in the shower, I heard voices outside the door. A group of girls were entering the room, gossiping. From their conversation, I could tell that they were not my brother's friends. After I finished, I got dressed and walked out. Three tall, slim, and beautiful girls were still chatting. They only eyed me briefly, which was fine...until I noticed something very disturbing. My gym bag was on the floor. The long, spacious bench was now occupied with their stuff. Their bags and a pair of shaded gray jeans. Well, even with those, there was still enough space for my gym bag, yet they chose to put it on the floor. My first thought was: What is their problem? I glared at them. They fell silent, but only for a while. Then they looked away and went on with whatever they were doing.They were all acting as if I wasn't there at all. What was that all about? Was I in a high school girls' locker room setting for a typical Hollywood teen-flick? You know, the scene where the pretty, popular, prissy princesses gang up on a quiet, mousy nerd in their most ridiculous ways - only because they think they can and are bored to death with their 'so-called' perfect life? Aren't we all walking cliches sometimes? I know their type. They're the most annoying and insecure bullies who think they can get away with anything - by using their good looks, fake plastic smiles and sweetness, and the number of friends, alliances, and blind admirers who'll do anything to stand by them. They will never stand alone, because - let's face it - girls like them always prefer playing smart by feeling powerful in numbers than brave but on their own. They know how to make other people look bad with their cunning, evil tricks - just to make them feel good and look better too. No, it wasn't just the bag. It was about respect and tolerance - even to strangers using the same public space. Those things don't seem to matter that much anymore these days. Thankfully, I was still sane and sensible enough to just pick up my bag and go. They weren't even worth my precious time (despite the fact that I'd also been in a hurry at that time.) Let someone else give them the bad karma. The Author

JOSH GROBAN, THE FIGHTING SCENE, AND THE SCAR
Lately, I've been having the same, strange dream. It's always been an odd mixture of the good and bad. The nightmarish part always wakes me up.:-? The dream starts with my meeting with...Josh Groban.(???) No, seriously. I'm not kidding you people.:P I see myself interviewing him, as if I'm some kind of a music journalist. He answers politely with a smile. I'm a fan too, but in that dream, I know how to be professional, friendly, and less intimidating and less threatening. I respect his personal space (although I can't stop admiring his good looks.:D Guys with thick eyebrows are usually so...sexy.*drools* Hehe.*big evil grin*) At the end of that interview, he gives me an autograph on my notebook page. Someone takes a picture of us. Then I tell him that I sometimes listen to "February Song" and "Per Te" to help me to write these really dark, sad love stories. I don't know why. Although frowning a little, he just smiles and says it's good that his songs can inspire other creative people. Strange, huh?*big evil grin* Now here comes the twist. Then I come home to a...dark, gloomy castle.(A music journalist living in a creepy castle? Ha-ha, plain weird.:P) I can tell that the castle belongs to me alone. Nobody lives there but me. I don't know why. However, I am not alone. I see three strangers all dressed in black at my front yard. The sky is dark, so it must be night-time. The street lights help me to see that they've been vandalizing my front yard - and the front part of my tall, solid castle. Toilet papers all trailing all over, the shattered plants and the stomped grass... "Hey!" I yell at them and they stop. They turn to look at me. I notice they're putting the hoods of their black jackets over their heads. Their faces are blurred, but I can tell that they're...guys. "Get off my lawn!" I order them angrily. However, none of them move. To my dismay, they even laugh at me. Something sinister fills the air. "Why?" one of them talks back coldly. He steps forward and I can see that he's very, very tall - almost towering. He sneers menacingly at me as he says, "We're just waiting for you to let us in." "After all of this? Are you crazy?!" I want to laugh in exasperation as I gesture towards the mess they've made. "What makes you think I will? Not a chance in hell. You always ruin it! YOU ARE RUINING MY CASTLE NOW AND I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!!" There's silence for a while. I realize that I am near tears. I hate that. I also hate that they can always, always tell how I feel - but I can't do the same to them in return. I can't even read their expressions. It's not fair.:( It's not fair. It's not fair.:'-( I hate it. "Very well," one of Tall Guy's friends finally states calmly. He turns around and starts peeing on my bushes. "HEY!!" I try to stop him, but Tall Guys pushes me down. I fall and my hand finds a piece of sharp-edged wood on the ground. As he turns around to join his friends once again, I get up and quickly stab him in the back. Wait, wait! I think to myself. Something is wrong here. What the hell am I doing? He lets out a painful cry and drops to the ground. To my horror, I see a puddle of blood starting to form under him. But then his friends start attacking me too. Somehow, in the middle of the fight, I manage to break an arm. I am surprised that I can be that strong, because I don't just break it. I pop it off of Guy No.2's socket. He is screaming in agony as his blood splatters, making me sick. That moment, I know that I need to wake up. Soon. Wait, I don't want to do this! But I can't stop myself, like Cynthia Rothrock in her B-listed action flicks. I keep punching Guy No.3 in the face until he's all bloody too. I don't want to hurt them.:( I just want them all to go away and leave me alone. But why the hell do they always come back?:x Please, somebody wake me up! After the second night of that dream, I woke up with an ugly-looking scratch across my forehead. I touched it. Ow.:( It looked as if Sylar (well-played by Zachary "Sexy Zack" Quinto in "Heroes") had tried to kill me but something just stopped him.:P I had it for two days. People wondered why and my only sensible answer was: "No idea." Sandro joked that I looked like I'd had a cat thrown at my face and it was learning how to use its claw on my forehead.*big evil grin* Very funny. Don't worry, it's all gone now.:) Speaking of Sandro, we got to hang out with him last Wednesday night at a nearby KFC. The small but lively party consisted of Mz.D, Gigi, Pitbull, him, and me. He was such a natural entertainer I've never laughed that hard in my adult life. In fact, I don't remember the last time I really did. Only one thing that bugs me a bit. He keeps saying that I'm being too hard on myself and should give love another try.(Ha-ha, so familiar.*sneers*) He's a nice guy, but I guess it's always easier to say such things to someone like me when you're already engaged and soon to be married to someone. You forget how it is to be alone and heartbroken. I get that. I can't blame him for thinking like that. He's already lucky, that is. But the deal is still the same. Love must show me its kinder face next time first, then we can start talking about that. Otherwise, I still see it as a mean joke to me. L.P.M.O. Love Pisses Me Off. Period. The Author

THE QUESTION
Two nights ago, escorted Mom to a wedding. One of her old friends' son got married. I don't know the guy and I'm also still not in the mood to go to weddings these days.:P However, the reasons I sometimes still go are: 1.Free, good food. (Hmm, food.*imitates Homer Simpson*:P) 2.A possible link to be a wedding singer. (I hope, but I didn't get any that night. That would make a great part-time job as well.:D) Well, I've also anticipated The Question when we ran into Mom's other friends.*big evil grin* "When?" "Uh, when what, Ma'am?" "When is it your turn, dear?" "My...turn??" Impatient cackles. "Your turn to get married, silly!" "Oh." Ah, very typical - too predictable a.k.a. downright cliche. "It's not The Question that counts, but the prayers." Of course, I'd said that with a big, diplomatic smile on my face. (Actually, I surprised myself by doing that. I hadn't known that I actually could, although - if Pitbull had seen it, she'd have thought it was just my 'infamous, Chesire Cat-like' smile.:D) Luckily, they'd laughed and agreed, but I knew it was because they hadn't seen it coming.:P I mean, I'm 28 and still single. I get it, I'm no longer a teenager. Most of the other Indonesian women my age I know would probably blush with embarrassment (just because they're still single or their respective boyfriends have never brought it up yet), get seriously defensive (like I used to when I was 25:P), or get seriously and pathetically desperate.("Can you help me find some guy who is still single? Please??" or "How do I make him pop the question?"*rolls eyes*) But no, not me. I even added confidently, "Don't worry, I'm not afraid. God will send the right person over when it's time. We can't always force to speed the process." Thankfully, they agreed with that too. Patience is a virtue (and no, I am not using that as a laziness excuse.:| Once again, this is not like buying the right clothes for the right occasions.) Not everything we can always get instantly. Besides, I don't see this as a contest, because it's (supposed to be) much, much more than that. But then again, I've been through this same old shit before it makes me sick sometimes. The good thing is, I'm just practically all numb about it now. I've learned from experience that there are always, always shallow people who just love picking on you. (Just like, in my sad case, there are always guys who think I'm not good enough for them or too good for them a.k.a. boring as hell and less challenging!*sneers*) It's always my fault, there's something wrong/strange/whatever with me, I'm not feminine enough, I'm too picky, I'm too careful, too kind (what??), etc... Worst of all, some people said I didn't give the guys a chance. Who? Me?? Ha-ha.*sneers* I am afraid it's often the other way around, but who wants to believe me anyway? So what? Not every girl in this world is an 'alpha-female' (I seriously hate that term:|) inside and out and I get that. Okay? *huffs* Never do anything for the wrong reasons, because you'll only regret that in the end. That's my personal motto. Still, I'm not in the right mood for love, so I'm not pushing myself - not even because of the (DAMN!) age factor. Good things come to those who wait - each in (different, but hopefully still) the right moment. If they don't, maybe it's just not the time yet or not the kind you need in your life. Maybe you deserve something better. Or yikes, maybe you don't deserve them at all because something you've done in the past - intentionally or else. I don't know.*shrugs* Various possibilities can occur. After all, that's just life. The thing is, it is all about making the most of it. If you lose in the end, make sure you die a good, fair fighter - even when nothing left is all that. If you win, make sure you don't let your confidence turn into arrogance, believing that you can get anything you want effortlessly and then take things for granted. Trust me you won't like it so much when the tables are turned.*sneers* Always plan ahead, but not too far ahead. You don't want to stumble upon a big, fat rock in front of your feet on the way.*big evil grin* In other words, first things first. That's what I still (choose to) do best. In fact, That's the only thing that matters. No problem. The Author

A WRITER'S BLOCK/BREAK?
She has chosen to drown way into deep a sea of words in every page. Thousands of tales figures on screen enchanting the amazed. How is reality? Once in a while she greets so they won't think she is crazy. Who is she? Silently she wonders: Can she be the leading lady? No answer yet as she secretly hopes before her chances evaporate. Again she drowns in different tales every night all wrapped in silence. Hopefully she still remembers her pen and papers writing her own stories somewhere, in the corner of her universe. The Author

3 in 3 ent 16
"THIS SORE FACT" She hates this sore fact. After a very long time she stills feel for you. (Jakarta, 8/5/2010 - 11:30 pm) "ON THE RADIO" Saturday night blues. It's just her and the sad songs on the radio. (Jakarta, 8/5/2010 - 11:35 pm) "THE GHOSTLY GIRL" Soon she'll be the ghost when you stop thinking of her and she fades away. (Jakarta, 8/5/2010 - 11:40 pm)

OUT OF THE BLUE
The weather here has been so freaking hot lately, the kind that makes you want to just stay naked in your room with the AC on. (Hold that thought, gentlemen.:P I'm not inviting you in.*big evil grin*) But don't worry, I'm still sane enough to stay in clothes, haha. Maybe I should buy a pair of shades and a mask as well, because wearing only a hat outside (plus an umbrella too) is just no longer enough. However, nothing is as pleasant as having you pulled over by cops who suspect that you might be either a lunatic or a terrorist - or both. A lot has happened. Baby Ganesh is a happy, active one-year-old boy now - all smiling and running around the house with his quick, tiny steps. A new teacher at work is very funny.:) I thought he looked a bit like Forest Withaker, but Mz.D kind of disagreed with me. Last week on Sunday, Mom suddenly couldn't take it anymore. Out of the blue, she asked me to dine with her at Wendy's. I knew why. My sister and her husband were still dead asleep and so was Ganesh. Somebody had to bathe the boy, especially because the weather was very hot and it was already ten in the morning. However, when Mom tried waking her up, all she got from her was: "Please, I went back to sleep at four this morning and I'm still tired. Unless somebody wants to bathe him." ............................ ??? Oh, yeah. That was what I had in mind when I heard her. Imagine that, my sister who still thinks I am the childish, immature one.:P Surprise, surprise.*rolls eyes* "That's her own son." "True." I agreed and nodded as we made our way to the nearby local mall. "Her responsibility." "Well...yes." Ah, here we go again.*rolls eyes* It's a sad thing that a mother can't be firm enough with her (supposedly) grown-up daughter. But at least she didn't say much about her precious daughter. Isn't it ironic? She was so helpless. In the end, she always asks me to help her escape for a while from home. After lunch at Wendy's, Mom and I parted for a while. I went to the bookstore for a quick browse. I am still finishing "Kiki Strike" and other piles are still waiting. I didn't intend to buy some more. I just needed a trigger of inspiration for my next writing. When I caught up with Mom again, she told me that my sister had just called her cellphone, wondering where we might've gone. When Mom explained, she was ridiculously envious. "What? No fair! Let me catch up with you guys there." "We're already on our way back home," Mom had calmly lied to her on the phone. Amazing, even to my skeptic eyes.:P And my sister was just not sensitive enough that Mom needed her break. I mean, she really deserved it. She's been taking care of Dad too, remember? *deep sigh* Why am I the only one at home noticing this? Maybe I should stop asking the same old, stupid question all over again and just accept things as they really are. Maybe I should de-sensitize myself. That would solve the problem, eh? I guess that's why my sister was quiet with me for the rest of the day. Oh, whatever. It was Mom who asked anyway. It's not like my sister and I really talk anymore.*shrugs* No difference. No, I don't hate her or take her for granted. (Believe me, most of the time, it's people who often take me for granted - reality speaking.*scoffs*) We're just not close. Well, she did say something that night. When the three of them came home from a trip somewhere, she went straight to her room to unload some stuff because Ganesh came to me. (I was watching an episode of "Fear Itself" with Dad in the living room.) Her husband went to the dining table and ate dinner alone, watching TV too. She didn't say anything about me having to mind Ganesh for a while, because she usually asked. But when Ganesh was following his mommy into her room, I thought it was okay to leave him be. Then came the loud thump and the cry. G and I both got up to see. It turned out that Ganesh had stumbled upon a shoe. After that, she passed me by and gave me the ugly look as she pointed out, "I thought you'd watched him." Oh. It was my fault??:O Ah, nevermind. As usual. (Cold, cold, cold. That's just me these days. Cold and numb for most of the time.:| Enough said.) Also, out of the blue, Gigi asked me to hang out with her again. No problem.*shrugs* I supposed she had something to talk about. We had dinner at GM and then she bought a scarf for Uti's birthday. (Oh, they're back as friends again.) Then we had a spontaneous karaoke night on Wednesday. It was fine, just like old times when we still had the occasional girls' night-out. Of course, she'd also told me about her recent breakup - and asked me to keep it "under wraps". So, I'll just write the edited version here. Just as we've all suspected and feared. Even after she's told him that it was over, he's still stalking her. She had to change her number and ignore him online, because he started showing signs of psychopathic tendencies. He says nasty stuff to her online or on the phone, but when he shows up in the flesh - he's acting all sweet, as if trying his best to prove her that he's a changed man. (Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*) Even Gigi's mother had sounded afraid when she talked to me on the phone, the moment Gigi told her we were hanging out: "Please, take care of her for me. Beware of him." The Author

TALES FROM THE STREETS
Sometimes, if we take some time to just stay quiet and listen to other people - or be aware of and observant to our surroundings, interesting stories and firsthand experiences might come up. "Lady Cab Driver Versus Lecherous Creep" I've heard this true story from a taxi driver on my way to CAE class on a Thursday morning. The driver, Mr.Sugeng, told me about one of his female colleagues. (Yes, we do have female taxi drivers here. He said most of them are widows/single mothers who just want to make ends meet.) One day, Lady Cab Driver got this really, really weird passenger. It was a large man in a business suit. From the moment he hopped in, she'd sensed a threat. Instead of taking the backseat like most other passengers normally do, this man chose to sit next to her. (Although very rare, some drivers still think it's okay - despite the danger that may lurk behind that intention.) Then he started playing with her long dark hair and touching her cheek, telling her just how pretty she was and that a beautiful woman like her shouldn't have taken such a dangerous job. (Note: Mr.Sugeng told me that yes, she was a beautiful woman, but that lecherous creep still had no right to do that to her!) However, the awesome thing about this amazingly brave and tough lady was that she did not panic. She remained calm, while - get this! - secretly recording everything on her cellphone, which was pretty well-hidden between her thigh and the door.*big evil grin* "Sir, stop!" she firmly ordered the grabby passenger. However, Mr.Lecherous Creep In Fancy Suit was playing deaf and dumb. "I am still driving here. If you keep doing that, we're going to crash any second." "That is okay," he replied coyly. "If we die, at least we die together." Fortunately, Lady Cab Driver finally spotted a taxi stand nearby - the one from her company. About half a dozen male drivers were having a short break there. She skidded to a stop in front of them and got out the car, furiously pointing at her startled passenger. "He was harassing me!" "What?" Lecherous Creep got out, still looking alarmed but defensive as well. "No way! Where is the proof?" "I have it here." She calmly replayed the recording on her cellphone, so that everyone could hear every word Lecherous Creep had said to her. Realizing the danger, he tried to escape - but it was all too late. "LET'S GET HIM!" The rest of the male drivers were beating the crap out of Lecherous Creep, until he was all black and blue - and bloody too.*big evil grin* Then they dragged him over to the nearest police station - along with the evidence and the woman's testimony. Cool. Ha-ha.*big evil grin* Of course, I enjoyed that story.:D I'd even cracked up laughing like crazy. Thank you Mr.Sugeng for such an interesting tale, and "You go, girl!" for Lady Cab Driver! Hopefully, next time Lecherous Creep can remember that his brain is actually still in his head - not somewhere "down below"...*sneers* "Give Us Your Money Or We'll Eat More Cutters!" No, I'm not joking about the title. I just saw in on the bus today, on my way to Senayan for a squash practice. The weather has been unbearably hot these days, so maybe some of the existing brains are slightly...fried.:P (Okay, I know it's a bad joke, but you'll see what I mean.) I was sitting at the back of the bus. Out of the blue, two thugs with tattoos on their arms hopped on, standing at the aisle. At first, they were just reciting their poetry about bitter, harsh reality in their lives. (Typical beggars here.) Then suddenly, to the passengers' horror, the thug in a dirty-looking green cap took out a small cutter. He started demonstrating, while his friend was narrating. "Ladies and gentlemen, this ain't no magic here." Mr.Filthy Green Cap started unwrapping the cutter, and then slashing the wrapper to shreds. "This is what we often have to do when we're so hungry, but there is no money to buy decent food to eat." After that, Mr.Filthy Green Cap suddenly started chewing on and - yes, that is right! - swallowing the cutter. The intimidation worked like an evil, twisted charm. A girl sitting in front of me suddenly got up and asked the driver to stop right in front of Pertamina Hospital, although somehow I could tell that was not her exact destination yet. She quickly jumped off the bus, while others started giving them a few Gs just so they wouldn't start doing something worse. I even gave them a three (trust me, it's not that much in rupiahs.) After that, the thugs chose a perfect spot to sit until they reached their destination: next to me. Not today, please, I silently begged God, but somehow still managed to keep my expression flat. Thankfully, I was still sensible enough not to mess with them, intentionally or else. It is not that I am a coward, I was just not in the mood and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Besides, the weather was freaking hot! I know these people. If you even dare look at them funny, they'll make sure that they remind you to never, ever do that again - in a very, very painful way. I mean, as you can see, they've got nothing to lose. One of them just ate a cutter. Imagine what else they can do. Well, let's not go there. At least, I still live to tell long after they got off that bus, right?:P The Author

3 in 3 ent 15
"DON'T CRY" Don't cry, baby boy. It is time to say goodbye to your balloon fish. (Jakarta, 30/4/2010 - 9:00 pm) "A SAD STORY" Just a sad story, but it is more than enough to make me cry hard. (Jakarta, 30/4/2010 - 9:15 pm) "DAMN!" I love you so much, but damn, you just love me not. So I just shut up. (Jakarta, 30/4/2010 - 9:30 pm)

THE GREATEST FEAR :(
Recently, I've started subscribing to "Story" - a magazine/anthology of poetry, short stories, and short novels. Although some of the contents are still rather tacky and cliche (typical teen-angst and stuff, too much for both my seriousness and age :P), there are good stuff as well. One of them is a short novel called "Sepuluh Komik Untuk Satu Cinta" (Ten Comic Books for One True Love) by.Nurhayati Pujiastuti. At first glance, I'd thought it was just another light piece to pass my time. But it turns out to be a very, very sad story about a dying old woman who can never get over the only man she truly loves - although she's already married to another for years. Before she dies, she asks her only teenage daughter to find the man who once gave the comic books, which infuriates the already heartbroken husband. :'-(... Somehow, it was really, really hard for me to stop crying after that. It took me about ten minutes to regain my composure, which really suffocated me.:( I even had to lock my bedroom door so no one could walk in to see me like that. Somehow, I didn't feel like letting them see me that way. As much as I love the people I love, I've been emotionally closed off and distant lately. I don't know why. Old habits die hard? Perhaps.*shrugs* I know, I know.:| It was just a story. I shouldn't have reacted so outrageously. But unfortunately, my fear is annoyingly real. The Author

3 in 3 ent 14
"THE LIQUID BULLETS" Huge drops of bullets made of the hard rain that day, targeted my face. (Jakarta, 24/4/2010 - 11:47 pm) "HER EYES" Her eyes are scary staring back and hard at me straight from the mirror. (Jakarta, 24/4/2010 - 11:53 am) "NO MORE" Please, let her sleep well. She deserves the peace she needs. No more sad stories. (Jakarta, 24/4/2010 - 11:56 am)

THE LOST CALMNESS IN THE STORM
"Corpses are meant to stay dead and buried underground. Stop digging the grave and re-inviting the same old, disturbingly chaotic ghost into my life." Please, don't let my heavy sarcasm bother you so much.*big evil grin* It's just me.*shrugs* And if you can't stand it, you know what to do. This is not a compulsory read for you.*sneers* Pardon my heavy sarcasm here, but - on a second thought - I needn't apologize for it.:P I write whatever I like here. I've been this way on and off for years. It's kind of silly to be sorry for who I really am, just because some people have a problem with it. Right, you don't know what I'm talking about. Actually, it's not some people. Just "one" who clearly has a problem with I've mostly been writing online lately. I know my dear old friend Yukes didn't mean to bring it back to life. She was just both pretty shocked and curious. But somehow, I also suspected that she might've said some things to Red's Girl that made her talk to me like this: "Do you think I've changed? I think you have. You've grown bitter and sarcastic, as if you refuse to look at the big picture." Excuse me?!:O That was completely out of the blue and uncalled for! Yes, I may be bitter most of the time these days - especially when it comes to how sucky love is. (Ugh.) But I still function normally like most normal people do, going about my daily life. I don't act like a poor, pathetic damsel wallowing in stupid misery over a lost (but so-called) prince charming. (Yuck.) I don't, okay? And I won't.*rolls eyes* How dare she? Who asked her anyway?? Just because she's been living on her own independently since 18 doesn't make her better than me and that I am the pathetic loser!:x I know her parents are dead and she's never really close with her own siblings, but - honestly - she is starting to really, really get on my nerves. "I don't know." I still tried to keep my cool, only because I didn't want to start any fight by talking back to her. "Maybe it's because we haven't chatted in a long time." "Oh, cut the crap!" What? Hey! "I know you too damn well. You can't fool me with that." Oh, really?*scoffs* So? "It feels like you don't want to talk or listen to any of us anymore after he and I have decided to be more serious." So, she was trying to tell me something - but didn't know that Yukes has already broken the news of their engagement to me. And I intend to keep it that way. Yukes has also agreed to that. "You know me," I slowly typed, grateful that she didn't press me to use the webcam. "My ears are always open to all kinds of news. How I will register them later is my own personal problem and I am the only one who must deal with that." So, go ahead, I silently urged. Do tell me. Don't be afraid. "I know that feelings can't be compelled." Good. At least she still gets it as much as I do. "But I feel bad about whether I should tell you this or not." Then why the stalling? We've gone through this before. "I tell you what." Let's get this over with. "You do what you have to do. Worry not too much about how I might feel or what others may think. There are always sacrifices to make in life, in every decision that we make." There. I've finally said it. As hostile as I may have sounded to you, I was just stating the truth. No bitterness intended, really, although I don't expect any of you to believe me. However, she didn't respond to that. Later, I spotted her writing on her FB wall about her complaint that no one seemed to want to listen to her anymore nor even try to understand her decision and point of view. *deep sigh* Haven't I sacrificed enough already? I let them be, only because I know how they really feel for each other and that I truly care about them. I still hang out with them, at least once in a while. I still (want to) talk to them, although not as often as I used to. I am still calling them my friends. I am still being fair here. What else does she want from me? To simply state: "Life is good, I'm happy, and everything is perfect" on my FB wall, just so it'll ease her clear conscience? To write only the good stuff online - so that she won't (have to) feel guilty and suspect that she might have something to do with it? Oh, please.*rolls eyes* What makes her think that the world revolves around her? "Maybe she feels guilty." "A little too late for that, don't you think, Yukes? I don't want him back, but I'd appreciate it if she stopped bringing that up again." And I believe that I am not asking for too much here. It's just a simple request here, like what he'd asked me about a year ago before his second visit here: "If we are going to talk, let's talk about now." For her sake, I granted his request. I didn't tell anyone about this, not even her. I don't know if he has told her about this and I won't even bother to find out. And surely, I won't tell him that she is also using him to leave the country - and her old miserable life behind. I get it. Every normal person wants to be happy. She's got him and he's chosen her. What more could they ever really want from me? I've let them be. The only thing I am still doing right now is rebuild my house of cards, my isolated sand castle. The old storm has stolen the calmness I need. I can't lose it now, although my pal Al said that it was okay to fall apart - just to remind us that we're only frail living beings...:( The Author

3 in 3 ent 13
"NO COMMENT" She is so perfect. That's how you always see her. No comment from me. (Jakarta, 18/4/2010 - 9:00 pm) "GROW UP!" It has all been done. Now face the consequences like all grown-ups should. (Jakarta, 18/4/2010 - 9:25 pm) "WHAT YOU WANTED" Stop wondering why I've grown distant and withdrawn. You have asked for it. (Jakarta, 18/4/2010 - 9:30 pm)

REALITY SOAP 2
"Like a frightened child in denial, seeing the truth as a hideous monster makes a weakling turn to lies for a deceiving, yet temporary comfort." "She told me she was engaged to him and planned to join him in US soon. Is it true?" How do I know? Nobody told me. None of them even did. Once again, I was left in the dark. So typical, so cliche. But then again, why the hell should I even bother? That's just none of my damn business, eh? I must be fair and logical, right? "I don't know, Yukes. Why?" "She asked me a lot about visa and stuff. She has changed a lot." "People change, whether we like it or not." So Yukes did notice it too all along, eventhough I tried to keep it from her for a while - at least until the storm passed. She knew, all the way from Australia. The next thing I realized, our conversation flowed like water from a dam. "I don't understand,"Yukes said. There was obvious confusion and she seemed upset as well. "She's changed very drastically. I...I feel like I've lost a friend." And things are never the same again, I silently mused. Isn't that how life always works? Nothing can ever really stay the same, no matter just how good they are. "And she also said some things that really pissed me off sometime ago." "What was it?" Okay, that was new. As far as I remember, those two girls have known each other long before I turned up. They've been fairly close, but maybe I was just assuming too much.*shrugs* "She said she was always envious of me, only because I kept winning scholarships abroad and live with my husband in Australia. Seriously, I felt a bit insulted." So I haven't seen this side of her yet. Surprise, surprise - or maybe not really. Maybe I never really know anybody at all. "Don't get me wrong," I finally told her. "I don't want him back, but that doesn't mean I can forget the pain a;; too easily." "I know, baby girl.:(" "Looks like he still keeps his promise that he'll never treat her the way he has me." Ha-ha. Why did I still want to act noble again, after all of that? Old habits die hard?? "And feelings can't be compelled, although I didn't deserve to be left confused alone for a year." "Yeah, but-" "Please, just leave them both alone. I don't care if they elope to US without telling anybody here. I just need to get on with my life - something I must do right away." "I told her there are 'unwritten rules' between friends." I sighed. Here we go again.:| "You know, she was mad at me that I was more on your side. I told her that at least she tried to understand that you were hurt too." I see. Wow. Although I was glad that Yukes could at least understand me, it still brought back sad memories.:( Again, my feelings had to be sacrificed. Nothing new with that. "I still treat them as friends, but things have changed, Yukes. I can't tell them just about everything anymore." "I know. It's amazing that you still have the strength to see them both." I don't have much of a choice, do I? "I have to show them that I am not that weak. I am responsible for my own feelings. I have to be. Not any of them. No one's going to do that for me." However, after that - I found out that my eyes once again betrayed me. I hated their redness, with tears escaping freely. Even my own reflection stared back angrily at me. You promised. You promised you'd never do this again! It's not about them. It's me. Don't try to convince me of what love can do, because - as far as I can see these days - it has done more than enough for me. I mean, if all I can see in love is its sucky repetitions of unhappy endings, then what else is there left to believe? What? It's not about how near or far they are, or whether they live next door or somewhere across this globe. Every guy I ever love always goes away. They always, always go away... "Pain can be controlled. Just disconnect." (Kyle Reese - "The Terminator") Too bad I'm not always doing it well.:| *deep sigh* Whatever.*rolls eyes* Soon I'll get back to 'normal'. Normal people's (supposedly) version of 'normal'. Whatever the hell that means.*sneers* Thursday cheered me up, luckily. I was a dubber again.:D Mz.D even suggested that I try out a suitable talent show as soon as possible. "You're a great storyteller. You're an author. You're a talented singer. You love to act, especially on parodies. You've also studied media broadcasting and advertising. Why don't you try combining all?" Knowing how crazy I am, good idea.:) My squash practice went well on Saturday.:) One of my brother's friends Khalid played with me and complimented my pretty quick shots. "My brother's a good coach," I told him. He quickly agreed. "Yes he is." That was before I missed the next shot. Damn!:P The Author

REALITY SOAP
So why no updates in a long time?:P I'm sure you could already tell. It's not like I haven't tried to at least find the time. (Again, excuses.) Although I've been intentionally drowning myself in work, there are things that I can't just avoid nor forget. As usual, with someone like me, you know how it is.:| My self-defense mechanism doesn't always work properly, although it is basically autopilot. How strange. "You might feel like you're numb, but in the end love will find you when you least expect it. Even if you give up on love, I don't think it'll give up on you." - AJM- As skeptical as I am, let's just hope so, God.:) Let's just hope that one day God proves me wrong about love being nothing more than just a mean joke to me. For now, that's all I can see. I don't know how to convince myself otherwise. I don't know when this will end. All I know is that I can only (and always) hang on to God, knowing that no mortals in the world (not even myself, I'm afraid) are always that reliable. Call me bitter or sarcastic, but aren't more realists also (natural) cynics? Wow. This is all so bloody familiar. It's like I've been here for way too many times before, too damn long too. Welcome home, Me.:P That room is still all yours. You already know the drill. "Damsels in distress are as good as dead, because this crazy real world preys upon weaknesses - and the evil warlock disguises himself as a prince charming." Oh, yeah.:P I wrote that sometime ago on my FB status. Sorry for the overuse of mythological references, but I notice some girls still easily fall for the (outer) image of a 'so-called' prince charming.*rolls eyes* I thank God that now I'm old (and hopefully mature enough:P) to know that - sorry - they just don't last long. Like Mz.D often says, sooner or later, their true colours will blind you and then leave you all alone in the dark. No joke. Wear your shades or leave before it's all too late. Besides, who says you're the princess he's been looking for? Ha-ha. She asked for it, didn't she? Gullible Girl chose to believe in Notorious Boy a whole lot more than she did her own friends - people who really cared about her. (Now I don't even want to know her every piece of dirt. From now on, she'd better keep it all to herself, because you know just how easily pissed off I am by this same old shit.) Unfortunately, Gullible Girl's (ex??) pal Uti thought she always needed to tell people she knew everything. You see, the two girls have practically been "frenemies" since school. Uti had complained to me about her twice. When I did a cross-reference check with Pitbull (since Uti talks to her too - as far as I know), I've decided that there are people you should never put their names on your VIP list. It's not arrogance, just reasonable selection. Yes, my hatred for Notorious Boy can't be compromised.:( No, I'm not being an angry feminist or gender-biased or anything about this whole issue, but I still want to know. Is it just a 'normal guy-thing' to whisper sweet-nothings to the girl, sleep with her, and then ditch her when he gets bored? Worst of all, if he can't stand her nagging demands about them staying together - he can just easily tell the whole world what an easy slut she is, but then he is still socially accepted. How fair.*rolls eyes* No, that doesn't mean I'm on her side as well. Maybe I'm still naive, but I'm not a hypocrite as well. Yeah, yeah, normal (grown-up) people think about sex. Big deal. Everyone is fully responsible for their own actions. I get that. But if that is the case, then why is it still so damn easy for society to harshly judge the girl and surprisingly forgive the guy for it? Can you even blame me still if I think the world is never safe? Whatever.*rolls eyes* I'm just so utterly sick of this whole 'superficial' idea of love. Love.*snorts* Even that word is 'overly abused' for one's personal gain. What else do you expect me to believe? What?? Honestly, I don't know how to react. I don't know what to feel. It's just almost like a gap, a pause before the next slide show. The point is, after they had done it, he broke it off with her. She cried hysterically and asked her 'so-called' friend to help her get him back. Uti did and they were an item again for a while. But somehow, somewhere along the way, Gullible Girl sensed something fishy between her friend and her man. Uti claimed that her so ungrateful friend was just being insanely jealous and paranoid, accusing her nonsensical things. However, she also wouldn't say about what she'd talked with Notorious Boy about earlier behind his girl's back. (And no, I'm not interested to find out more, because that is not my job to complete the missing piece.:P Regarding her own shady history with someone else's husband and also her oqn coquettish attitude toward men, I'm sorry to say I don't trust Uti completely myself.) When Uti started talking about wanting to take Gullible Girl to a shrink or a shaman to 'cure' her out of her craziness, I'd wanted to laugh. Sarcastically, that is.*big evil grin* I mean, just who the hell that she thinks she is anyway? It's true.*shrugs* It's always much easier for us to harshly judge others quickly and first, as if we are the holier ones. Uti also complained about how Notorious Boy always borrowed Gullible Girl's money without ever returning it. (No surprise at all.*rolls eyes*) I was beyond attentive at that part already. Whatever. She got what she wanted in the end, and that's just how he obviously treated her. Yes, we all saw it coming. Too bad she chose to ignore it. Now she is trying to reach out for me. I passed by her desk one day and caught a sight of her sitting and staring intently at her phone. (Typical.) Probably noticing me walking behind her, she intentionally murmured pretty loud to get my attention, "Just when I'm back to being single again, another guy is already checking me out." Maybe I'm strange, but do girls really need a boyfriend to make them feel more worthy and beautiful? I just don't get it. "Oh, really?" Pardon my lack of enthusiasm, but I already knew where it was going. "Good for you then." When she said she wanted to play squash with me someday, I told her I wasn't sure because: one, I'm still learning myself and have no confidence enough just yet to disperse from my brother's crowd and two, I need to buy my own rackets and ball, and three, I always play with my brother and his friends (sometimes there are so many of them that we have to take turns in using the field at Senayan.) No, I'm not brushing her off. Knowing her, I'm just not sure she feels comfortable enough with that - and neither my brother's crowd with her. Seriously, these three particular people can start their own soap, but I prefer watching "Criminal Minds" instead.*big evil grin* The Author

3 in 3 ent.12
"A STRANGE SPOT" I'm in a strange spot where I'm not sure what to feel. Maybe I'm just numb. (Jakarta, 4/4/2010 - 11:25 pm) "GOODBYE" I can't stand goodbyes so I will not be around to see you leave soon. (Jakarta, 4/4/2010 - 11:45 pm) "JEALOUSY" I hate jealousy. It is the worst poison that can boil your blood. (Jakarta, 4/4/2010 - 11:50 pm)

FAREWELL, RED...
This feels like another letter I'll never send to the (intended) recipient. Perhaps I don't need to. It is no longer important nor even relevant anymore anyway. Like an old, super outdated file at the very back row of the cabinet waiting to be permanently disposed. I always hate goodbyes. I still do. I am never really an expert at dealing with it coolly, although I always try my hardest not to show it on the outside. Sometimes it works, sometimes I fail. You know, the usual business in being me. To this day, I am still bad at losing people. No, I don't mean 'bad' as in 'unable to function like a normal human being in everyday life'. I still do my job well and hang out with friends. I am pretty much an expert at those things, remember? Just like writing and singing. And you should be proud of me. Does it even matter anymore? Has it ever really, anyway? We are talking about me today. Can I get my turn, at least for just once in a while? I am not asking for too much here, am I? You kept telling me that yes, I too deserve happiness. I know that already. You know me (or do you really?) I am the one who is still afraid to be selfish. It's always been about other people first. I don't know why I keep doing that and how to just snap out of it and stop. I don't know how to be cold and heartless all over me, at least for my sake this time. Why can't I just do that? Why won't I? I mean, I could if I wanted to. Just like other normal people in the world. I mean, I am not alone in this, am I? I don't know what I am really feeling these days. I am not happy nor sad. I am not angry as well. Emotionally flat? Maybe. Maybe I am just cold and numb. It has been on and off for some time, like an autopilot. My self-defense mechanism? Yes, you could call it that. You could call it anything you like. Maybe you are right. I am re-building thick, brick walls around me and my already isolated castle, my fortress of solitude. Perhaps it is the only way I know to protect and take care of myself. You said I should do that first, remember? No one is going to always be there for you, and you have taught me well. Thanks for the reminder. I have to make sure that I will never forget that again. Don't get me wrong. It is not like I still have those warm, fuzzy feelings for you like I used to. Hey, don't we both have to thank God for that? Alhamdulillah. Amen! I hope you are happy. Honestly, I am only relieved. This way, at least I can stop wasting my precious tears on you. You won't see me cry again and I have to make sure there will never be another forsaken day for that. Once is more than enough already. I don't hate you either. I still welcome you as a friend, remember? Especially since you are still treating her right, from where I see now. I will only hate myself more if I ever do something that can make such pity escape your beautiful, smoky-blue eyes. You know I am too good for that, Red. I know I am much better than that. I don't beg, no matter how much it hurts. Either it has something to do with my pride or just my way of survival. It may take a longer time than what usually happens to most 'normal' people, but then again - what is 'normal' anyway? Am I ever one of them? All I know is that instant results hardly come my way. I always have to earn it the best way I know how with all of me, and oftentimes - that is still not good enough. Good grades, good friends, social acknowledgements, boyfriends...you name it. I am more than well-aware that not all girls are born-divas, but then so what? Everybody's different. You said some things that sort of reminds me of one of "Ugly Betty" episodes. Pretty girls have problems too, because they have to wonder a lot more about whether those guys who surround them really love her. Lucky for the 'other' girls, because - although only one or two who might come along - at least they can tell these guys are for real. (Oh, really?:P If that is really the case, then pardon my skepticism, dear.) I know you've never searched for Pretty Ms.Popular who already has it all. I thought we'd had something back then, but - like I have already told you before - I don't get that a lot from guys. I don't know how to be the girlfriend material they are looking for. I just know how to be the best friend. That is not a bad thing, I believe, but I am sorry if that is just not enough for you or anyone else. Hey, at least I have tried my best, remember?:) That is one thing I am good at and I am not sorry for being who I am. I know I am good at my job too and writing. Come to think of it, maybe I don't have to excel at everything. After all, I am not going to die over a broken heart. That is just plain stupid. Still, I am glad. I am glad that I no longer have to see you off at the airport when you leave. Sucks for her, though. But as long as you keep that promise about being good to her, then good. For her sake, please stay that way. Still, I am traumatized with airports. I even have to skip watching sappy flicks. You know, the ones where they have those sickening, tearful-goodbye scenes. I know I am a cynic, but I hate letting myself get that weak. It feels like handing a knife to the one you love and asking them to stab you multiple times, then leave you to bleed to death on the gutter, just so you'll get off of their backs for good. I know the image is too gory, but I can't seem to picture love the way every (blind) optimist usually does. I have tried, but the same old cliche always comes back to haunt and taunt me. That is why I now see love as nothing more than just a twisted, mean joke. I don't think I still have the energy to laugh at the all-too damn familiar irony anymore. I am tired, okay? I even asked God to make love leave me alone if it showed up with the same old dumb, too-good-to-be-true prank anymore. No, I am not desperate nor hopeless. I am just so sick of it. I don't expect anyone to understand me. Believe it or not, you were the very first guy who'd heard my "I love you" right in your face that day. You only said "I know" and left. Just like that. Then you'd grown distant in a year, gradually pushing me away. When she first told me about you and her, I had to know why you chose to keep me in the dark for too damn long. Why didn't you tell me that sooner? You just said sorry you hadn't got back to me soon, but also refused to talk about the past anymore. Wow. It was like, I was sooo...dispensable. It was like what I'd said to you that day just didn't matter nor deserve the most brutal honesty A.S.A.P. Is it how most of you guys often see me? I hope not, and it will only take one to prove me wrong. I am not greedy. I don't need two or too many (ha-ha, as if I could ever really reach that number!:P) It doesn't matter anymore, anyway, right? For now, I am still the silent witness to how love's been treating me. But still, I am okay. I am alive and well enough alone. The Author

AUTOPILOT (PART 2?:P)
Right, where should I start again?:P I could say that being a dubber - even for just an educational program - was interesting.:) At least I can still escape from this dull reality, especially since I've got an unofficial contract until the end of the program. Interesting squash practice on Friday, since Friday was off.:) I'd like to say more, but - maybe, my mood just isn't in it. The Author

LOVELORN
ometimes it feels like an itch you can't always locate the bite marks 'though you have killed the bugs. Scratch as you please 'til it irritates you as you bleed. Sometimes it feels like an extended body part, growing against your will. You need to surgically remove it. One cut and you'll be detached as long as the scars remain untouched. Sometimes it is a ghost that annoys you the most. You can feel it close as it comes and goes. It breathes you warmth then leaves you cold. Hard to kill it when it was never solid. Sometimes... Well, even sometimes just feels too often. The Author

3 in 3 ent 11
"THE LOST (GENUINE) SMILE" I can't remember the last time I really smiled from this heart of mine. (Jakarta, 28/3/2010 - 6:45 pm) "DISAPPEAR" Don't be so surprised. She's sure when she disappears, you won't miss her much. (Jakarta, 28/3/2010 - 7:00 pm) "(MY) MR.HYDE" Oh, my Mr.Hyde! Your existence is a pain for my heart and mind. (Jakarta, 28/3/2010 - 7:05 pm)

AUTOPILOT
Why is it so hard to find some time to just really write? And why is it so bloody important to me? I don't know.*deep sigh* I'm not sure either. I've been so busy lately. (A cliche excuse?) Everything seems to be in autopilot. Stagnant and redundant. Lack of element of surprise. It also feels that what I've really been doing lately is (try to) catch up with everything. So little time, too much to do. (However, somehow I refuse to cut down on the amount of work. I need to keep myself occupied.) It's either time that betrays me, or my lack of management - the typical human error. I can't help but thinking: "Growing up is scary, but growing old is scarier. Despite of what we may have gained so far, we have also lost so many things in the process." Before we know it, it has already been done. It has already happened and it can never repeat. That is time. How was my first week at work? The usual stuff. Some kids are okay, some are lazy brats. Some are ignorant, some are demanding.*shrugs* I've finally told Mz.D about 'Kira' - and she just cracked up, telling me that the lazy, prissy princess had always been nothing but trouble to everybody at work there. She quit her job because none of her colleagues trusted her enough anymore with any tasks - even the smallest bits. No wonder. No surprise.*rolls eyes* Well, at least I've got another great offer for me at work.:D My CAE teacher Amber thought my voice (especially since I'm pretty good at copying accents :P) was good for her recent project - a new character for a children's multimedia material. It's been a long time since I really put myself into acting. Plus, I'll get to be a kid again, even for a short time.:) I need that. No problem. I hope the money's really good, because - well, I'm just being reasonable and realistic here. We all need good money, don't we? But hey, at least it's still good to be noticed. You don't get that a lot these days, no matter what you do. That may sound bitter, but I'm only speaking of the harsh truth. My old high school friend Taufik surprisingly showed up at squash practice on Saturday afternoon. Cool.:) A little glimpse down the memory lane. He's always been an okay guy, although we hardly know each other that well. He's always been just the tallest kid in class. I could say I was pretty hyped up last Saturday.:) Most of the other girls in my brother's crowd hardly seem to like sweating a lot. They usually do one set or so, and then let others take their turns while they sit and engage with their BlackBerry phones. (Not Dindi, though.:) My brother's girl is an active, tomboyish basketball athlete - and she only warms the bench when she is really, really sick.) Don't get me wrong, I like those girls.:) They're okay. Me?? I've got a lot to catch up, so I don't care if I have to sweat a lot. In fact, I didn't care that the seriously cute guy (tall, with thick, dark eyebrows and glasses!:P) next field saw me running, jumping, and sweating like a pig.*big evil grin* I'm in it for the real sport! I also met Red for a while after squash, just in case I don't get to see him again before he flies home on April 5. Isn't it ironic that he's finally become one of the greatest friends who really listens to and understands me these days?:) I should thank God for that, right? (Like I've seen so many times, I'm only good at being a friend - not exactly a girlfriend material to any of these guys.) It's hard to find people who really understand you these days. I may not always be that lucky to find them again. My work contract will end by May 2010. I'd like to extend it, but I am thinking about experiencing a whole new environment. I mean, I've been wanting to do that all my life. Being the real Ms.Independent. I can't get myself stuck in the same place for too damn long and all the freaking time. It just doesn't feel right anymore. I am seriously tired, a ticking time bomb aching to explode. If everything around you works in autopilot, is it wrong to wonder and find out what is missing? The Author

3 in 3 ent.10
"THE QUIET LONGING" I miss you a lot 'though I often keep quiet pretending I'm fine. (Jakarta, 21/3/2010 - 1:35 am) "INSOMNIAC" The late-night TV shows Perfect companions for me the insomniac. (Jakarta, 21/3/2010 - 2:00 am) "UGLY FEAR" There's this ugly fear of getting all left behind and being a ghost. (Jakarta, 21/3/2010 - 10:00 pm)

TRUST IS FRAIL...
"Isn't it a terrible shame that one's lack of responsibility at work can cause another to appear incompetent and unprofessional?" Somehow, I've finally managed to finish all my CAE assignments on time. Well, almost all.:P I forgot to rewrite and re-submit the proposal. I may be a damn good writer, but that only happens in less-serious stuff - not freaking business letters.:| But still, I have to make sure that my next scholarship application letters will not suck too much. Yes, I know that now. I am usually careful about writing about work issues. (In fact, I normally avoid just even writing about it here so much.) But sometimes I can't help it. I know I am still temperamental and let's just face it, not many people can stand me because of that. I helped teaching at another branch last year and it ended on December 17, 2009. (Yes, I even noted that down on my calendar as a reminder.:|) That very day, I remember typing my students' assessment reports on their receptionist's PC. I didn't mind them gossiping near me, but they weren't much of a help. When I couldn't print the reports out, I turned to tell the two girls about it. "Oh, the ink's out," one of them - 'Kira' - nonchalantly informed, as if it had been no big deal at all. "The printer needs to be re-filled." Okay. "Do you guys have the ink?" The two girls exchanged glances. Then they turned to me and...shook their heads. I'd wanted to groan. "Well, we have to buy it first." We?? Believe it or not, that happened during work hours.*rolls eyes* Imagine that. I still wonder how much time they actually spent at work making sure that all supporting office equipments were properly set and ready. Don't get me wrong, I was (sort of) in their shoes before. I know just awfully boring it can be, but no excuse for slacking off.:( "I need these reports printed out and given to the students in case they come today," I glared at them as I used my flat-toned, authoritative voice. (Trust me, I didn't sound good at all.) But somehow, they didn't seem to be that concerned. Instead, they looked somewhat annoyed, as if I'd just interrupted them from enjoying the hottest topic of the entire century. (Oh, yeah. Right, whatever. As if that were any relevant to your job.*rolls eyes*) "Look, why don't you just save your file there," 'Kira' suddenly offered nicely, "and then let me print them out and give them to your students when they get here?" "Really?" I hesitated, unsure. "Are you sure it's okay?" "Yes." She nodded and smiled. "Okay, thanks." So I did just that. I left for my next late afternoon classes. I admit that the only mistake I made was that I forgot to check whether it had finally been done. However, once you've agreed to help someone usually means you're taking over their responsibility, right? And if you can't do it at all, you have to notify the old task owner back A.S.A.P. Months went by until I finally got that call on Thursday at work. It turned out that one of my old students came to collect the reports, and she was mad as hell. Why? It turned out that 'Kira' had quit her job without either doing what she'd promised me or bothering to notify anyone there about what she should've done as promised. Great. She was officially off the hook and I am the bad guy. Thanks a lot.*scoffs* I'll never forget this. Next time, I won't trust people that much. "Is the file still on your computer?" I told them the name of the file and soon heard the rapid clickings in the background. Please, God. Let it still be there. "Uh, no." "How come?" I could feel the icy fury in my voice. (When I sound like this, you wouldn't want to see my face.) They didn't answer. "Uh, we'll look it up again." I instantly notified both principals. They both were equally upset. Although I wasn't really the one to blame here, something like this could ruin the whole department's image and I was so aware of that. I still had to fix it. No objection. And thankfully I had, on Friday. After this? I am afraid the bridge has already been broken. I didn't ask for it, though. What a shame. The squash practice on Saturday was okay. My first trial match went so so, but then none of us felt a 100% fit. (Probably something to do with the heat of the sun that day.) We called it a day a bit sooner than usual. The squash athlete/coach behind the counter looked at me and turned to my brother who frequents the centre more. "Your younger sister?" he asked him. "Older," my brother and I automatically corrected and grinned. Oh, yeah.:P We get that a lot. Still, it was nice to know that - despite being 28 - you could somehow make some random guy think you looked under 25.:D The Author

3 in 3 ent 9
"SENSELESS?" Why complain a lot when you choose to stay with them 'though they hurt you so? (Jakarta, March 17, 2010 - 3:00 pm) "MEAN JOKE" Love is a mean joke that can make the sanest girl go completely mad! (Jakarta, March 17, 2010 - 3:10 pm) "THE REASON" Give me one reason why I should risk my heart out on love once again. (Jakarta, March 17, 2010 - 3:15 pm)

COLD BUT (STILL) WELL ENOUGH ALONE
I've kind of wasted most of my very short holiday here - doing almost nothing productive, except the squash practice on weekends. I haven't really done much.:| I mostly sleep late and wake up unusually later. I haven't even touched all my CAE assignments yet in two weeks. They're all due tomorrow morning at ten.:( I haven't told you that I went to another book fair again last weekend in Senayan. Twice and alone. On Saturday after my squash practice and on Sunday alone. I'd planned to just attend the book club meeting on Sunday, but they had to cancel it because only two people came - me and this girl named Novi. We ended up chatting with one of the publishing staff named Eko for a while. He said they'd have a meeting again this June.:) I'd already bought two books - "Kiki Strike" by.Kirsten Miller (an action/adventure novel about a group of exceptionally well-skilled and intelligent teenage girls as secret agents who call themselves 'IRREGULAR' in NY) and my all-time favourite classic horror, Gaston Leroux's "Phantom Of The Opera". (I know there's a bit of romance in it, but - having been socially challenged by the majority, shallow perception of 'beauty' - I am easily drawn to these tales.:P Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein", "Beauty And The Beast", "Darkman"...you name it.) Because of the cancelled meeting, Novi and I could choose a novel to take home for free.:D What a lovely surprise! I chose Karen Rose's "Die For Me". Yup, another thriller. Hehe.*big evil grin* "Not interested in romance novels?" they had kindly offered. I smirked. "Nah, just not in the right mental condition for any of that," I told them and they laughed. The Author

SQUASH.SQUASHED(?)
Two Sundays ago, I had my first squash practice. I love it.:) I've been bored to death lately and desperately in need of something new. I need something to take my mind off reality - even temporarily. Just like most people who fear stagnation really do, I need to try new things. It's a good thing so far.:) Let's hope it'll keep getting better. I am no longer talking about weight-loss here, just health. I am not about to get myself obsessed with being skinny just to merely impress some shallow-minded guy. That is just stupid.*scoffs* So far, Dear Brother has been a great coach. His girlfriend Dindi and their friends are also cool. They don't seem to mind my presence, although I am his older sister. But most importantly, it feels so damn good to be able to hit the wall without having to use your fist.*big evil grin* You won't make a fool out of yourself with unnecessary injury whenever you can't help yourself but thinking about annoying things...and people.:| This is a good therapy. It's just life. You don't have to like everything. Right.:P But that night, Leese suddenly texted me: "I am stressed out. Why won't any guy be serious with me?" ............................ Although I felt deeply sorry for her and did sympathize with her ongoing crisis (parents' messy divorce, financial issues, and now...the mentally-ill brother being hospitalized), I couldn't help but wanting to scream. But it was already past midnight, so I muffled my sheer rage and frustration with a pillow on my face: "G-g-grrrhaaargh...damn it! Shit, shit shit!" Get a grip on yourself, you silly bitch! I silently yelled at myself. :'-(... I hated myself that night. I hated the tears that had successfully escaped my eyes again. I even despised the thought of feeling completely defeated all over again. I wished I could've thrown it against the wall, but I was already too sick and tired of everything related to...love. Ugh.*rolls eyes* Want to know why, Leese? I'd wanted to tell her. It's not your fault. I know that he ditched you and married someone else instead, but it wasn't you. You're one of the sweetest, most caring and helpful girls that I know - and it's a Goddamn shame that he refused to see that. You love children too. What else could a man ever really ask for? That's what they all keep saying, right? Right??:( It's not your fault that those guys are way too much of a coward to have to deal with your family issues as well. I mean, just who the hell are we kidding here? Fairy tales are stupid! There is no such thing as a prince charming or a knight in a shining armour to save you. You've been on your own for as long as you can remember. Oftentimes, being good in the real life is just not enough. Damsels in distress are as good as dead. That's just how guys normally are, dear.:'-( They can't, they don't, and they won't look that deep. One of them has even confessed that to me. Reality bites? Well, at least that still keeps us awake, eh?*sneers* In the end, I've only sent her this: "Cinta cuma lelucon brengsek dan kejam." Sorry, I'm just way too sick to even write that in English. If you know what it means, then good for you. The funny thing is, I just rejected some guy - only because he was being way too demanding and pushy. He once wrote me this: "If you reject my gift, you reject me." I just can't stand guys who think that all girls - especially from Asia - are easily swayed by material things. Come on, are we that docile and shallow? Besides that, what is the guarantee that he'll like me more when he really comes here to visit me? How do I know that he is for real, not just some deranged lunatic looking for a toy to play with or something else worse than that? It's all just too damn good to be true. People can say nice things to you, but who really mean what they say and say what they mean? How the hell will I know that this time will be different? I can't deal with any of that shit. Until when? Only God knows. Thank God for the workaholic me, though. At least that can still help me to focus on more logical, rational, and relevant stuff these days. I try not to pay attention to Gigi's mysteriously chipped tooth (like Viona's when her abusive ex hit her), or how Notorious Boy often roams around the office parking lot at late night. (Believe it or not, that coward always pretends not to notice Mz.D, Pitbull, and me. What a pathetic loser.*rolls eyes*) Surprisingly, Gigi suddenly asked Pitbull and me to go see a movie with her last Friday night. It was completely out of the blue. It felt like the good old days again. We went to see Tim Burton's version of "Alice In Wonderland" (a super cool fan fiction!:D) Johnny Depp is AMAZING as always.:D Helena Bonham-Carter and Crispin Glover really cracked me up. Anne Hathaway looked slightly old and creepy, and a big applause for newcomer Mia Wasikowska as the late-teen Alice! My second squash practice last Saturday was a bit better than the first.:) I know my swinging hand is still a little stiff. At least, I could throw my frustration and rage against the wall over and over again - until I was out of breath. Thump. Thump. Whack! "Good. Again!" I don't want to fall in love. Love just cuts like a knife... Thump. Thump-thump. Whack! Thump-thump-thump. Whack! You make the knife real good. I'll fight you to the end... "Again!" Love sucks. Lovesuckslovesuckslovesucks... Whack! "Good," my brother finally told me once we were done. "Looks like you're ready for your first trial match next week." Cool.:D The Author

THE EXHAUSTED MIND
"Create and (recreate) your destiny through book-reading." I've read the slogan at Kompas-Gramedia Book Fair 2010 last Sunday in Istora Senayan and had to rearrange it a bit here.:P I thought that was quite inspirative. That's what I still do. If I don't read anything in a day, I might go crazy. Well, sort of. Hehe.*giggles* I guess that's why I bought two books there, although that wasn't exactly my first intention. I'd wanted to show the editors the first draft of my novel, especially since that was the last day of the fair. (Mind you, I've been busy the whole week and exhausted as well. Plus, the weather's been so freaking hot lately there are times when I choose to stay indoors.:|) Unfortunately, the editors weren't around because they were sick.:( Thankfully, the staff at the fair was kind enough to give me their contact numbers and e-mail address.:) After that, I just sort of roamed around, checking out one stand after another. One of the books I am currently reading now is "57 Detik" (57 Seconds) by a Jogjakartan author named Ken Terate. It's a story about a group of teenagers surviving after the earthquake in Jogjakarta, Central Java - which happened in May 27, 2006. Honestly, I need inspirational books like that to remind me just how lucky I am still. So, what am I going to do with the first draft of my novel? I'm going to revise it - when I have the spare time.:) Oh, yes. I am still chasing the same old, childhood dream - no matter what. A hundred people can break my heart, but no one can ever kill me that easily. It's been a pretty exhausting week, I am afraid. Baby Ganesh has been having flu and also tested positive for asthma. (Yes, it's in both my family and G's.) The whole is also sick, including me. Somehow, I still choose to stay busy - despite the fact that I actually need more rest these days. I need to keep my mind occupied, so that I don't end up thinking crazy thoughts. I only crash when my body can't take it anymore. That's when I get to sleep a dreamless sleep. No nightmares, no sweet dreams. I don't even need sweet dreams. There's no point in having them anyway when you know you'll wake up crying in sheer, annoying frustration once again - seeing those sweet dreams only stay dreams. Unfortunately, there was one night when my subconscience just sort of...slipped. I had a strange dream about Dad. Actually, it all started like a neutral dream. I saw him being healthy again. He was walking, talking, and - most importantly - smiling happily. (Mind you, I haven't seen him smile like that in a very, very long time.) He was also gaining a bit of a normal weight, not too thin like he is still. The funny thing was that I was back as my chubby, eight-year-old self in that dream. I was even wearing a kiddy dress (I hardly remember if I'd ever had any back then.) We were walking together in the park, hand-in-hand. It was a typical sunny day, with lots of people around us. It looked like a typical setting for a movie about Daddy and Little Girl kind of thing. Strange, knowing that - actually in the real world - he and I were never that close, not even when I was a kid. He's always been the serious, uptight, and temperamental kind of man. Then suddenly, right in front of us and out of nowhere, came two men all dressed in whites. They both came and took Dad's hands, which made him let go of mine. They asked him to go with them. He turned to me and told me to find Mom. I shook my head and could hear my little, girlish voice saying, "But I want to go with you." "No, they just want me." I tried to take his hand again, but one of the men in white suddenly glared angrily - and coldly - at me. He hissed sharply, "Wait for your turn!" I froze. Dad just obediently let them take him away. Once they were too far, somehow I found my little voice again - this time screaming...louder than ever: "MOMMY, MOMMY! MOMMY, THEY'RE TAKING DADDY!" But nobody paid any attention to me in that park, until I woke up in my room - all sweating cold and choking... The Author

SOUR TIMES
There was something funny - yet also quite disturbing - that my sister had told me sometime ago: Her: "Are there any Caucasian guys at where you work?" Me: "Only in Pancoran and Panglima Polim." Her: "Then why don't you date them." Me: "???" Ha-ha.*sneers* That just sounds like this: "Looking for some new clothes about your size? Just go to Heritage." Whee!:P Isn't it funny? Isn't life ironic? I must keep practising on how to laugh at irony.:P Especially if the same old cliche just keeps on happening. Mz.D said I was always meant for bigger things. Okay, so maybe I was never an ace student. I could study hard a week before the test and ended up only with half the score my sister always earned effortlessly with a quick once-over in one-sitting - practically two hours before the test. She could sit nonchalantly and all the guys would get in line just to date her. All she had to do after noticing that was take her pick and she finally did. Me? I've never been that girl, okay? I've accepted that. All the good guys are my good friends, and you could hear from them telling you what a wonderful friend that I am.:) That's still a good thing, right? The shit is, the only guys who have seemed interested in me so far were mostly anonymous freaks/stalkers/psychopaths, or just...either too impossible - or even the lonely souls. The last ones are only and always temporary. Once they find someone else much more interesting than me, they're gone. Just like that. Good thing they're not lonely anymore. I remain alone. I have to live with that, right? And I can. Not exactly my choice, but that's just how it is. What else can I do? For how long? Don't ask me. How the hell should I know? I'm not the kind to fetch heartlessly. Call me a boring idealist, but we're not talking about something practical here. This ain't no junk food, although I've seen some people treat it that way and get sick with it after like, what? Three to five years from now? That's why I kept quiet once again. She never has any idea what it's like to be me, and I'm not going to start forcing her to step into my shoes. They don't fit anyway, and that's just not the way to be. Not cool. Besides, why did she have to be that specific? Do I look that picky?? And I'm not feeling sorry for myself. "I've got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain...I'll do my crying in the rain..." That's right. You must never get down on your knees and beg them please. You're much, much better than that. Maybe, just maybe...it's fate. Just like almost everything in my life that I had to earn in a much longer time than most normal people. That doesn't mean I'm slow. I mean, come on. Do you seriously think I am asking for this? No. It took me about 3 - 4 years after my college graduation to finally get a stable job. Somehow, God keeps reminding me not to take things for granted. The same thing with The So-Called Mr.Right, though. (Pardon my lack of faith in love, but I have my reasons from looking back so many times.) If he ever comes, fine. I won't take him for granted, for it'll be one hell of another try to do it all over again. (And I hope he'll never take me for granted either, because I can't respect people who don't appreciate me that much.) But if he never does, fine. I can live with that if I have to. I've somehow reached the point where I don't give a damn anymore. I don't care if I die trying. No one and nothing can ever kill me that way so easily. I won't ever let that happen without a fight. And I shall wait for no one anymore. Let them come when it's time, or let my front porch be empty. Whatever it is in God's Master Plan for me. These days, I've seen too many people treat relationship as a mere status, a fun game to play, a joke. One local celebrity got involved in drugs and ended up flirting with her already married lawyer, claiming she was in love with him. Since she's hot, what sane guys would ever say no to her? It doesn't matter if the lawyer's already got a wife. He's just being a normal guy, right? Right?? *sneers* Relax, they might tell me. Don't take things way too seriously. Have some fun for once in a while. It won't hurt to break rules sometimes. Be open-minded. Be flexible. Don't be too bloody uptight, for it will make you boring as hell and less exciting. I don't know. Maybe I'm just naive and still such a kid about it. But hey, I'm not the victim of some stupid fairy tales. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I've always respected relationships. When it comes to involving other people's feelings, I don't think I can just play it like a game. I don't even want to. And I'm not sure I can respect people who disrespect relationships that way. Well, once again, I don't have to like everything, right? What the hell do I really know anyway? It's not like they need it nor care anyway. I'm just stating my personal opinion here. I'm opinionated. So what? With something like this, I can't help but wonder: Can love be that practical? Can feelings be compromised?? At what cost??? The Author

SNAPPY REPLIES FOR CORNY, PICK-UP LINES
SERIOUS WARNING: This entry is not for the too (mentally and emotionally) sensitive ones. If you insist on reading, do it at your own mental health risk.:P Love is a damn wonderful thing, but is it always like that? What happens if things don't always turn out that way? Be very, very careful when using absolutely corny, pick-up lines to declare love to the absolutely wrong person, because things might get really, really this ugly: You: "I'll always be there for you." The Object of Your Affection (TOYA): "Are you planning to be my ghost? That would be annoying." You: "I'll do anything for you." TOYA: "Good. Clean my house, pay my bills, buy me nice things, and after that...please get lost. Thank you." You: "I'll be your everything." TOYA: "Okay, for today, you'll be my...punching bag. How does that sound to you?" You: "I'd die for you." TOYA: "Jump off the top building, slash your wrist, or drink poison? You may take your pick." You: "I can't live without you." TOYA: "You're kidding." You: "No, I'm not." TOYA: "But you're still breathing...alive and kicking." You: "I'd move a mountain, bring you the sun, the stars, and the moon..." TOYA: "Uh, what are you? God??" You: "Can't you see that you belong to me?" TOYA: "Do I look like your property?" *big evil grin* Reality's cruel, but don't let that ruin you for life. I strongly suggest that you avoid this kind of person for as long as you live, for the sake of peace.:P But most importantly, let's not treat love/relationship as a 'do-or-die' priority. Once again, just a suggestion. The (Cynical, Mean-Spirited) Author

3 in 3 ent.8
"PRIDE" You will be alright because you have got your pride to keep you alive. (February 18, 2010 - 4:20 pm) "IGNORANCE = BLISS?" Ignorance is bliss. That's what they all keep saying. Must I believe it? (February 19, 2010 - 11:00 pm) "WHY?" Why didn't you just stop? She was calling out for help! Fool, you just drove on. (February 22, 2010 - 4:45 pm)

CAE - A PROPOSAL WRITING
“THE MELTING POT: LIVING WITH URBAN CULTURES” (A Proposal by. Ruby Astari) The aim of this proposal is to portray the people living in the melting pot of urban cultures; in this case, Jakarta. The people taking part of this activities are four foreign college students – specialized in cultural studies – from four different cities around the world; London, Rome, Tokyo, and Cape town. One of the first suggestions given was the mingling activities with the local people through cultural activities (e.g. the annual celebration of Jakarta’s birthday in Institut Kesenian Jakarta every June 22). Second, in order to clarify the common misconceptions about living in Jakarta – as often described in the media as dangerous and full of hedonism – the foreign students will be living with regular families, joining and observing their daily activities. Regarding the students’ first perceptions and opinions about Jakarta from what they have read, watched, or heard; I recommend that they attend the annual celebration of Jakarta’s birthday in IKJ, Central Jakarta. It is where the local artists gather to perform traditional plays, dances, musicals, and paintings. Although there are many other entertainments in the city, this event has been consistently held to showcase traditional cultures. As a conclusion, I believe that this event is part of the good aspect of my region.

CAE - THE ALTERED INFORMAL LETTER/E-MAIL WRITING
THE ALTERED INFORMAL LETTER/E-MAIL WRITING (Ruby Astari) Dear Elena, I understand this is going to be your first time away from home. Living abroad will not only improve your English, but also help you to be more independent. Don’t worry about feeling lonely, because most of the students here are really friendly and helpful. My roommate gave me a warm welcome when I first got here. She showed me around and introduced me to her friends. We’ll have more fun when you get here. The more, the merrier. The college facilities are complete. We have a large, comfortable library with a wide range variety of books, boarding houses, and comfortable classrooms. There’s a horse track with a barn full of well-taken care horses which you can ride. There’s also a baseball stadium. The teachers always encourage us to do the self-learning method, but they’re also good listeners and critics. If you need a break from studying, we can go cycling or walking in a nearby countryside, or have a picnic by the lake. It’s not far from our boarding house. If you like sports or arts, there are clubs which you can join here. Most boys prefer swimming and canoeing. I hope you’re really coming, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy studying here. Regards, Ruby

CAE - INFORMAL LETTER/E-MAIL WRITING (fixed)
CAE – INFORMAL LETTER / E-MAIL WRITING (fixed) (Ruby Astari) Dear Elena, I’m glad to hear that you’re planning to study at my university. I think you should come here, because this will be an interesting experience for you. It’s a nice area in a small town, so the air isn’t too polluted. I’m lucky enough to have a room in the second floor, with a nice view to the lake from my window. We have a sports centre, a library with internet connections, and a small cafeteria. If you’re thinking about getting a part-time job too, there’s always a wall where job advertisements are posted in The Main Hall. There are many international students here. Don’t worry about making friends, because I’ve met the nice ones since the first day I arrived. One of them is Colin, a second year student and also a staff member of The Gazette – our college newspaper. Since I know how much you’re into journalism, you could join us to improve your writing skill. The teachers are also helpful and supportive. If you’re also interested in English Literature, you’ll get more knowledge and entertainment from Professor Brennan’s class. At the weekend, my friends and I often stroll around the town, watch movies, exercise at the sports centre, or have a picnic by the lake. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to meet you too. Regards, Ruby

CAE - INFORMAL LETTER/E-MAIL WRITING
CAE – INFORMAL LETTER/E-MAIL By. RUBY ASTARI Dear Elena, I’m glad that you’re thinking about studying here this summer. I think you should come, because this college is what you need to help you to improve your English. There are students from all around the world. This college has also got helpful teachers and interesting programs. We can interact with our teachers outside the classroom, because they’ve activated their BlackBerry cellular phones 24/7. Since I know how much you enjoy reading books, English Literature might be the right course for you. You could also join our creative writing club. Every month, there is a short story competition run by this college magazine. I’m sure you’ll enjoy studying here. Classes are held during weekdays, so you won’t have to worry about not having enough time off. The students here love spending time by the lake, going to night-clubs, or working-out at the gym or college’s sport centre at the weekend. I hope I’ll get to see you this summer. Take care. Love, Ruby

3 in 3 ent.7
"OVERLOOKED" You are wonderful, but it is just not enough to get you noticed. (February 17, 2010 - 10:55 pm) "HOW IT IS" Some girls have all the luck. Other girls have all the pain. That's just how it is. (February 17, 2010 - 11:40 pm) "INVINCIBLE" All I ever want is to be invincible to avoid the hurt. (February 17, 2010 - 11:55 pm)

CATCHING UP
I think I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but just didn't find the time nor the energy. I also know it's impossible for me to catch up with the lost old days into this entry. But hey, let me write what I can still remember here.:) The two-day special assignment at Leese's morning school in Bogor from Tuesday to Wednesday had been fun.:D I was a panelist for the kids' storytelling contest with Shanti and another teacher from another institute named Yanti. (Who turned out to be such a fussy snob Leese couldn't stand, but I'd wisely chosen to keep quiet most of the time.:P For people like that, it's always better to talk back less, smile and nod more as if agreeing to whatever on earth they say.*big evil grin*) The rides on the speeding motorcycles were also great. Mom wouldn't approve if she found out about this, but I just didn't want to be late. I was the invited guest. Call me a not-so-ordinary Indonesian, but it was all for my own credibility. Besides, I hate wasting other people's time for whatever reason. The contestants were entertaining.:D I know I was supposed to put on my most neutral, rather flat expression as a (supposedly) professional panelist - but somehow, I just couldn't help it. Some of them were so funny and expressive I had to suppress a giggle. Leese even asked me to perform a storytelling demo, so I did. I guess they were impressed.:) One teacher there offered me to coach the kids in their English Club once in a while on Saturday afternoon. Wow, was I that good?:D Cool. Then I attended CAE on Thursday morning. Our Australian teacher Amber gave us another set of assignments for a week as usual.:P No complaints here. I'd asked to be registered in the first place anyway, so I must take it seriously. Good thing she didn't ask the ladies about Valentine's plan. (Somehow, in the back of my mind, I silently wondered about it too.:P) She only asked the gentlemen. Sorry, not my favourite topic. I've finally finished the novel-reading assignment from her too. It's a romance novel (*big yawn*), Maeve Binchy's "Tara Road". Just because of my late entrance, that was the only last book left. (Somebody else has been lucky enough to have Dean Koontz already.:P) Although I'm just not mentally fit to read something that sappy, at least I'm relieved that I've finally got to finish it. *big evil grin* The Author

3 in 3 ent.6
"HALFWAY DONE" It's to love or hate. No, not a job halfway done. No, nothing like that. (February 13, 2010 - 10:30 pm) "SIMPLE???" If only they knew nothing was always simple or simplified too. (February 13, 2010 - 11:15 pm) "NIGHTMARE" I had a nightmare. You turned into a stranger. Only a dream, right? (February 13, 2010 - 11:45 pm)

3 in 3 ent.5
"DEAD PRINCIPLES" Principles are dead when we compromise too much with reality. (February 10, 2010 - 6:22 pm) "BUSY = BETTER" I must stay busy or else I'll go all crazy. It's better that way! (February 10, 2010 - 6:31 pm) "DISAPPOINTMENT" It is a poison that slowly stings inside me as your mask shatters. (February 10, 2010 - 6:36 pm)

3 in 3 ent.4
"EASY SILENCE" Silence is easy. Just like everybody talk while you sit and watch. (Jakarta, January 8, 2010 - 12:30 pm) "CURE OF THE DAY" No more pain, old friend for I am still blessed to see that smile on your face. (Jakarta, January 17, 2010 - 9:00 pm) "ANXIOUS" Oh, my composure! You are leaving me too soon. Oh, how I hate you! (Jakarta, January 24, 2010 - 8:45 pm)

CAE - WHO AM I (250 words)
“WHO AM I?” By. RUBY ASTARI Growing up overweight has affected my perspective on life, especially love and social acceptance. Since childhood, I’ve had my share of bullies and adults who assumed I was just being sensitive. I’ve been constantly battling my own demons within. Overeating disorder is only one. My teenage years were okay, despite the fact that I was never part of the popular crowd. It didn’t help that my taller, slimmer sister was the other way around. One male teacher once asked me why we were ‘different’. After that, I refused to enroll at the same high school and college as she did, for I feared of being compared to her all over again. College liberated me. I started rediscovering myself by knowing what I’d like to do for the rest of my life. For me, writing isn’t just a hobby, but also a therapy. However, soon reality hit me in the form of money. That is why I am doing my real job the best way I can while supporting my writing career. Besides, every job is an interesting adventure worth writing for. So far, my confident still often takes a wild, rollercoaster ride. I also tend to get a bit protective of my bullied students. If people wonder about who I really am, I am still the sensitive, rebellious tomboy at heart. I am a mixture of a creative dreamer, an idealist, and a realist. I am also a loyal best friend to those in need and who truly deserve it.

SO MANY THINGS, SO LITTLE TIME...
My plan to show Red the rest of my old university on Wednesday was perfectly ruined by the hard rain all day. We ended up just hanging out at the cafeteria near where he lives for a while. I was hungry and it was also lunch time, so I ordered something to eat. We talked and talked until the rain finally stopped. It was okay, I guess.:) Just another ordinary, happy day with an old friend. Unfortunately, by the time the rain finally stopped, I had to go to work. We said bye and I left. Good news: SPICE! has finally paid me for my published short story.:P*huffs* Phew! I started joining CAE a day late, but that was okay. At least I can still catch up with a lot of important things there - especially for the sake of my career's progress.:) Keeping busy everyday will make me be okay. Friday was Tiger's 24th birthday.:) I was glad to know that he had fun there. Like I've told him so many times in the past, he deserves something special. Always. Baby Ganesh had his first haircut at the children's hair salon KiddyCuts in PIM on Saturday night. Tired of waiting for G to do the work, my sister brought him there - along with Mom, Dear Brother, and...me.:P Yep, the whole bunch! It went well at first while he sat on a big toy car watching Barney singing on TV (from their collection of DVDs), until he realised there was something ticklish crawling around the top of his small head with a loud buzz, removing all his hair. The next thing we knew, we had to do all we could to distract him - but he'd already known what was really going on. He hates being tricked that way and never cries at the pediatrician's. That was like, the loudest ever! In the end, Mom had to keep poor Baby Ganesh's head still while my sister was still carrying him and the professional barber finished his challenging 'masterpiece'. I know I'm cruel for saying this, but that looked pretty funny.*big evil grin* When it was finally done, his tiny hands were all shaky and cold with fear. He was so angry with us and ignored us for some time.*giggles* I've got my first CAE writing assignment having to explain about who I am - in 250 words. What should I write about? A reliable daughter?? A sensitive, rebellious tomboy at heart??? A dreamer and a realist at once???? A love cynic but a loyal best friend to those in need and who deserve????? What?????? The Author

ENJOYING MY (EMOTIONAL) FLATNESS :P
I can't seem to describe the way I really feel now.:-? Flat or distracted might be the closest description. Is that a good thing? Maybe. I hope. All I know is that I need to focus on more important, logical things in my life. Or maybe I'm just a bit swamped with work and there are so many things I want to write these days. So many (good) ideas, so little time to fulfill them. Typical. Cliche. Lousy time-management or I must reduce the piles on my plate. Too full, perhaps. Red suggested that I try enjoying this (temporary) emotional flatness. It is good, because we do need it sometimes. Too much (unnecessary) drama can distract you and leave you completely useless. It can leave you feeling completely useless too. (Mind you, the previous two sentences mean different.:P) We all need the break, the quiet time from controversy. It is okay to be boring once in a while, I think. Yay me, I guess.*big evil grin* The damn SPICE! crew still hasn't paid me for my short story last month, so I think I'm going to keep on calling them to remind them about it. I don't care if they get sick of hearing my voice.:| It's been a month, for God's sake. They've promised me that they'd give it in two weeks. (Plus, I need the money too!) It's like, they are taking me for granted.:( It turned out that my CAE has already started last week on Thursday, and my office got a late notice about it. Grrh!:x But at least I could still join - starting this week on Thursday - since I've only missed a day. Good.:) The Author

(MY) ORDINARY WORLD
Two weeks ago on Saturday, I hung out with Pitbull after my morning class.:) Too bad it had been raining pretty hard and we were all drenched up on her motorcycle. We even had to skip attending The International Education Expo after that. On Sunday after that, I hung out with Leese and her two friends Retno and NengFit from her morning school.:) We attended a meet and greet session with a local author of "Negeri Lima Menara" (The Five Tower Countries), A.Fuadi in TMBookstore, Depok Townsquare, at two in the afternoon. We ate crepes after that and talked for a while before going on our separate ways. It was fun. How was my first week of (more) work? It was okay. Gullible Girl invited me to have dinner with her after work on Tuesday and I'd accepted. However, there wasn't much to talk about that night. I tried my best to stick to the random subjects (like, Adam Lambert's video "For Your Entertainment) and avoided (too) personal stuff. I didn't want to reveal too much anymore, because I was afraid of how she might twist it around just to please her notoriously freak of a boyfriend. I mean, I still am.:| I know how that works now, because - as far as I'm concerned - I'm not the only victim here. But anyway, that's her problem - not mine. She's made her choice and so have I.*shrugs* When her cellphone rang, she answered. From the way she spoke so quietly, I could tell that it was him.*rolls eyes* (Who else? Ha!) She didn't tell him that she was with me that night, which was to be expected. She can no longer have a (decent) life without his permission, which is just sad. I know that is sick, but what else can I do? Mz.D said she was trying to reach out. But what should we do? No idea. Once the trust is broken, it is difficult to regain. I am being deadly serious here and I don't care if people think I am also being mean out of sheer bitterness after what's happened. I didn't ask for it. I don't even know her anymore. For now, keeping quiet is the only way. I am pretty good at that. I know when it is time to shut up - especially when some people just can't - or won't - listen. Once again, SPICE! still hasn't paid me. I am going to keep on calling them until I get my money. Red is here in town for three months. We strolled around Margonda Main Road all yesterday while Hani was at work and until she caught up with us at night. To be honest with you, it was fun.:) It was a good workout too. I always enjoy long walks, no matter how tiring it can be. I even shared him another part of my world - which lies in my old university. My old escapade before graduation pushed me into reality.:) And the stupid curse called the stupid heartbreak has finally been broken. I don't know how and why, I just thank God the torture didn't (have to) last too damn long... The Author

3 in 3, ent.3
"REAL LOVE???" It is not real love if he treats you like his toy he can just play with. (January 5, 2010 - 8:20 pm) "IF" If I could do more than just giving you this joy for only a day. (January 6, 2010 - 8:37 pm) "POST-HOLIDAY BLUES" One thing is so clear. The problem with holiday? It ends way too soon. (January 7, 2010 - 7:45 am)

TO MY SO-CALLED FRIEND'S UNMANLY GUY
I know that I don't have to like everything, but I am sorry I cannot help this. No, wait. Scratch that. I don't really mean that. In fact, I am not sorry at all. If only you didn't know where my family live and you weren't part of the most annoying club of bullying cowards, I'd say this straight to your ugly face - because I'm no backstabbing shit or a two-faced jerk like what you really are. I'm just worried about what you might possibly do to my family, because that's just how bullies like you handle people who openly resent you. What a shame. Can't stand me, can you? That's for sure. That's exactly what I thought after a few times. But do you (even want to) know something? You're so bloody pathetic. She may think that you're some heaven-sent prince charming, but we both know the damn truth. You're not even close to half the man you should be, and you're even much worse than any other backstabbing bitches I've ever met in my whole life. You know damn well that I am not alone in this, and that just scares you. You're just so outnumbered. But then, that is not the point. I'm not blind nor stupid. It didn't take long for me to see just how utterly fake you are. You've been fake all along, but that is just your own problem. I know people like you can't even stand your own reflections in the mirror, so being a total show-off and full of shit to other people is the only way (you know) to conceal all your weaknesses. Sad but true.*rolls eyes* Fine. You can have her to yourself. She's all yours.*scoffs* You can keep treating her like your favourite toy to play with before you get bored to death, because she allows you to. As far as I am concerned, you've won her already. She is your prized-possession. You can easily complete each other with your sad obsessions. Who needs real honest but caring friends and other people around when you can be all over one another, right? Who gives a shit about the rest of the world? But you can always mark my word. You will never ever gain my respect. I know that you don't even give a damn. You just crave for acknowledgment to boost your ego, while you still feel all small inside. It is unbearable, isn't it? You can't even stand your own insecurity, which amuses me. So funny. You act like a flawless knight in shining armour to her by putting other people down. That night after the rock concert months ago, you've played your gentleman role card very well. You seemed genuine. But did we ask you and your little friend to come by and take us home? No. You offered and insisted. Thank you very much, but I actually could still survive on my own - but you don't have to know that. You think all women are weak and in need of your so-called protection. Ha! Reality check. And for your flawed memory, I've already said my genuine thanks. That's it. But what else do you want? My blood? If you had really done it from the heart, a simple thank you from a lady should've been enough. We know that is not the case here. You'll do anything to isolate her from other people. You'll portray all her friends as these mean bitches who are totally against you and your relationship with her out of their sheer, insensible jealousy. (Well, guess what? We are, but only because you're nothing more than a deranged, insecure psychopath, you possessive freak!) And you've successfully portrayed me as an ungrateful bitch. Congratulations, because she simply bought it, only because she is so desperate for a boyfriend just to make her feel worthy and beautiful. (If only she believed that she actually didn't need you for that.:( She is already worthy and beautiful.) And you took advantage of her insecurity for your own personal gain. What a pain that predators like you have to exist. You're a gold-digger, a social climber who'll do anything to get to the top by bleeding your victims dry. That's all you can do best: be a lethal parasite! You don't care that slandering is worse of a sin than murder. But you know what? I'll just shut up and leave it all up to God. In the name of your fragile, male ego, you want people to understand why you had to lie about having a job in the first place. Well, guess what? Nobody is going to insult you for being jobless. It is your own paranoia that gets to you. If only you'd been more honest in the first place, we might've helped you more if you let us. But hey, you can't even stand smarter, more successful girls than you. (That is to be expected anyway.) You see us as threats, because you can only stand those you can control much better. To you, it is all about the competition where you have to win. You just always have to be right, no matter how and what. You can't stand losing in any fair fight, because you're already the lame loser yourself.*sneers* What could you have expected from me that night, when we ran into each other? I did hear you call me, so that's why I looked at you. Despite my after-work exhaustion, I still gave you my polite smile and ask you about whether you'd gone home from work or else. (Although I'd already known the truth about you.) Maybe you noticed my uneasiness, but that's just none of your Goddamned business. I believe I was still being polite that night, but you were too sensitive, too defensive and narcissistic. What an egomaniac. You think everyone is out to get you. But you told her I was being the cold, ignorant bitch who treated you as if you were unimportant and unworthy of my attention. You were right about who you are, but I guess I've wasted my civil courtesy. Next time, I'll be the cold, ignorant bitch you want me to be - just to satisfy your lame ego. Believe whatever the hell you like, for only God knows the absolute truth. Have a nice life, both of you, and please - just leave me alone from now on. We know it's much better that way. Thanks for nothing. The Author

3 in 3 ent.2
"LAZY CATS" All lazy cats sleep right under the scorching sun one Saturday noon. (January 2, 2010 - 10:45 am) "MISSING YOU" I don't remember the last time you and I talked. but I just miss you...:( (January 2, 2010 - 6:00 pm) "SOMETHING INSTANT" Nothing we can gain from short and instant efforts except small results. (January 5, 2010 - 10:35 am)

WORSE THAN (COLD) SOLITUDE
"Just so you know that I've removed her from my Facebook account." At last, we've finally come to the most unavoidable outcome. You can definitely call this one of the (most unwanted) changes in my life. There is nothing I can really do about it but to accept it as it is. It's just life. I don't have to always like it. It took some time for me, but I've finally come to terms with it. I don't know how and why (or whether this is just temporary or else.)*shrugs* Maybe I have learned to deal with the fact that not everything always goes your way. Or perhaps I'm just either cold or numb, or even both. I find myself not giving a damn way too much about it anymore. I am emotionally...flat about it. Is that a good thing or not? I don't know. You tell me. I can understand why the girls Pitbull and Gullible Girl's old junior high school (used to be) pal Uthie were upset. It turns out that it's been her all along. I know that low self-confidence can somehow get you to this point, especially if you're not careful and you also hang around the wrong crowd. It just gets you that easy. Can I consider myself lucky, or every soul is just different? I am still a feisty, temperamental tomboy. I may not have any boyfriend now. I am also still The (Misunderstood) Ms.Independent, just because most of them get the (not so accurate) impression that I don't need anyone at all. I'm pretty much free. The point is, so what? I've been bullied too before - even by a junior high school teacher who clearly implied that (he thought) my sister was much better-looking than me.*rolls eyes* (And I was glad when he got laid off by the time I entered the final year.:P) Ha! Big deal. Maybe I was lucky because I got to meet the right people, really good friends who always supported me - not just some 'right'/'in' crowd to make someone look and feel cool. However, sooner or later - with or without (the right) support - one must stand up for themselves. (True) confidence and happiness start from within. I am not going to be a total hypocrite about this. Even the lonely tomboy needs a decent boyfriend.:P There. I've just said it.*sneers* But I also know another thing. There is something worse than just being lonely. It's letting yourself be stuck with someone who thinks they love you the best way, just because you believe that you have no other options. It is putting up with their ill-attitudes towards you and other people around you just to make themselves feel much better and less inadequate about themselves. It's the belief that the other person is the one and only who loves you and makes you believe you are worthy and beautiful despite their constant short-comings other less-blinded people get to see. Forget college degree, forget common sense. Forget logic and sanity. We are all aware of their sudden absence once love sets in. Everything seems picture-perfect in the most romantic haze. But once the true colours start re-emerging, which do we (want to) believe in? Which will we (choose to) hold on to? I can be grateful that I am safe so far. Hope I will always be from those things. I mean, seriously. I thank God that I don't have to deal with a jealous, possessive freak of a boyfriend who constantly stalks behind my back like a starving bloodhound. Maybe that's what she wants all along. But me? If a guy ever treats me like a bet he has to win for our relationship, I'll be seriously enraged with him. No decent human beings should ever treat others and be treated like some 'trophies'. A relationship status is not supposed to be just an achievement for one's ego. It is a whole lot more than that. But then again, I don't have to like everything. At times like this, it is always the best to stay (deadly) quiet and (act) oblivious.:P The Author

3 in 3
"QUEST OF HOPE" On my quest of hope, I find a long, winding road I must first walk on. (Jakarta, January 1, 2010 - 12:00 pm) "THIS GREAT PRETENDER" This great pretender, she is smiling at her foe for the sake of peace. (Jakarta, January 1, 2010 - 6:30 pm) "NO IDEA" The day you left her, you just had no idea, dear what you are missing. (Jakarta, January 1, 2010 - 11:00 pm)

THE (UNWANTED) CHANGES
I don't remember the last time I thought about this topic. Even if I did, I'm not the only one and that did not only happen once. We all think about it as much as we see it every single day. In fact, it can also happen in split seconds. It's unavoidable. It's (part of) life. And if I write something like this, I will not be the first and only either. After all, we all find ourselves the need to be reminded of it all over again, in order to take our next (careful) steps. Is it pathological? Maybe. We may keep asking ourselves that as we wish. We all know that changes come in different shapes and sizes. We live, we grow, and we die. That is a familiar cycle of life. We can also take it from another simple example that has just happened. We've just celebrated New Year. It's the beginning of 2010. As usual, most of us are filled with such excitement. All we want to do is start everything fresh and new. We make new resolutions with the (same) hope that we will be better and not stuck in the same, old boring mundane routines like clockwork. Deep down, we (want to) believe that it's a sense of our self-control. We believe that's been our destiny to keep on racing against time as we remain struggling to fix our flaws. Pick up our pace before time betrays us, because - in the first place - it's never promised us (true) eternity. It never waits for us. It can always leave us as we blink or turn our backs around. However, there are times when we keep on repeating the same mistakes. Perhaps that is also necessary and part of the process. After all, we are only human. But oftentimes, we are hardly aware of this one, simple fact about ourselves: "It is always easy to start a new, better habit. The hardest part is to stick to it while getting rid of the old, bad ones." It is familiar. Speaking of that, there is also another thing we sometimes refuse to acknowledge. There is a popular saying: "The only certainty that ever exists is the uncertainty." Whether we like it or not, that is what happens. We can make so many plans and do whatever it takes to make our dreams come true. Of course, we are happy when they do. But what happens if it is the other way around? What will we do if things don't always turn out that way, no matter how hard we try? What do we usually do? Do we normally feel sad and get mad at the world? Do we angrily exclaim, "How could this happen to me? Why me? What have I done to deserve any of this? I've given all I've got!" Is it true that (most) normal people (are compelled to) react that way? If it is so, then what is the absolute definition or 'normal' then? We do not even possess such absolution as mere mortals. If we can always welcome the (good) certainty with open arms, can we also do the same thing for the uncertainty? Is it even possible to celebrate the uncertainties in life without feeling too disappointed? After all, life is always full of surprises. They say bear a strong heart and (hopefully) you shall live through it. Because in the end, we'll just never really know. We can never really tell what lies ahead. One can abruptly turn into a public enemy after becoming the number one favourite celebrity. You can splurge one time and then have to scrape from scratch for just a single, decent meal the next. How do you deal with the cruel twist of fate? Your best friend has promised you that they will always be there. Will you still believe that if there comes a time when both of you are too busy for each other and no longer share the common interests? And how do you deal with someone you love who has a change of heart - or has never felt the same way in return, in the first place? They say good things come to those who wait. If they don't, maybe you could try approaching them. But if they run away from you, perhaps they're just not meant for you from the very beginning. Maybe it's not because you're not good enough to deserve them. Maybe they don't deserve you. Maybe God is still preparing much better things for you in the future, and it's just not your turn yet. Maybe you need to be more patience. After all, you can never really control the changes that are obviously out of your hands. How do we survive after these (unwanted) changes? Can we tell ourselves that yes, we have done our best to keep what we think is good for us - but it is now time to let it go? Is it okay to relax just a bit? There is nothing wrong with having an ambition, but it can get deadly if it turns into an (unhealthy) obsession. The words 'ever after' only exist in fairytale books. They say all realists are natural cynics, but what is so wrong about keeping our eyes wide open for the (most) unpredictable? There is always the calm before the storm. In other words, it is all about maintaining the balance. It is not an easy job to do, but we must be careful in tipping (or not tipping) the scale if we wish to stay sane. If things don't work out the way we want them to, at least we can remember that consuming instant goods aren't always that exciting. Maybe we can start learning to accept - or perhaps, celebrating - the uncertainty of life. I do not mean to just slack off and do nothing at all. Smart planners always have back-ups. A mattress to catch our fall, saving for the rainy days. Then maybe, we might be able to completely let go of what's never meant to be (rightfully) ours. We may avoid the thought of jumping off the high buildings and malls. Instead, we might just calmly say: "There is nothing wrong. I've just done my part and tried my best. Time to move on." The Author

SICK!
I spent the last one and a half days of the long weekend in bed. I'd been seriously ill since my last workout on Saturday. I don't know why, maybe it was just another mega exhaustion after a long time. I'd thrown up multiple times and also been unable to eat a morsel.:( Monday morning, I woke up at four and couldn't go back to sleep. Plus, I had also slept too much already. So I logged on and found something shockingly repulsive on facebook. I noticed that Notorious Boy had posted a caricature of a naked, fat woman for his girlfriend - my friend at work - Gullible Girl. There was also a writing on it that said: "Big girls ride harder." And Gullible Girl had somehow lightly commented it: "OMG, you posted that here??" *blinks in confusion* Am I the naive, gullible little girl here? Although I've completely backed off long ago about her and her freaky boyfriend's personal stuff, I couldn't help but silently wonder: What in God's name were they thinking?:O First of all, there are other more "specific" sites for that. Secondly, she is a teacher - and there are some of her students on Facebook too. There is also this thing called 'inbox' or 'private message'. Yuck.:x Not long after that, Pitbull told me that she didn't see that picture again. Hmm, maybe Gullible Girl was still sensible enough.:P Well, it looks like Mz.D might be correct. I haven't heard from that guy from Europe again. Maybe he's been a fraud looking for gullible, docile Asian women online - and he happened to meet...me.*big evil grin* I kept giving him the cold shoulder, ha-ha! Yippee for holiday...again!:D The Author

A CHANGE OF PLANS (short story)
Human can make plans. In the end, God makes all the decisions. Raina has heard it a million times already. She realizes that she has to always remember to learn how to accept defeat. That is life. There are times when reality just doesn't get along with one's dreams. Not every wish comes true. One must always prepare for disappointments. It is bitter, but she has to remain strong. But that doesn't mean Raina likes it. She is only human. She too can get hurt and feel the pain. --- // --- That Saturday, Raina woke up early. After praying, she didn't go back to sleep. There was a special occasion. Nathan was in town. After breakfast, Raina bid her mother farewell. Her mother asked her curiously, "Where are you going?" "Meeting Nathan and Hedra." "Oh." For a split second, her mother looked worried. Raina understood, but she just smiled before she left. It was time to stop the bus. It was going to be a long journey. Her destination was pretty far. On the way there, Raina texted Nathan's cellphone: "U ready? M on my way there." Soon after that, Nathan replied: "Yes, I'll b waiting." Raina smiled. Then she started reading a novel she was carrying in her bag. There was still time. Nathan and Raina's best friend Hedra also love reading. Long ago, Nathan and Raina had been used to long talks about their favourite books. Not only that, but almost about a lot of things. There was quite a heavy traffic when she almost reached her destination. It was almost ten o'clock. Raina texted Nathan about the traffic. His reply was pretty short: "It's OK. Don't worry. I've been here 2 last year, remember?" Of course. How could Raina ever forget? --- // --- "Hi!" A small girl named Hedra was smiling as she greeted Raina by the front door. They were hugging each other after what seemed like a long time. From the corner of her eye, Raina caught a sight of a pale, skinny guy coming out of Hedra's room. His thick, wavy, strawberry blond hair was tied in a ponytail, just like what Raina had seen a year before. His smoky blue eyes met Raina's brown ones. He was grinning as he waved shyly. "Raina," he called out softly. Raina came over to hug him too. Very tightly, compared to the way Nathan hugged her back. "Nate." For an American guy, Nathan wasn't tall, so Raina's nose could always meet his shoulder. She spontaneously and secretly inhaled his familiar scent, the way she'd always done whenever they hugged. It was such a die-hard old habit. Was it bad? "You're looking good, Raina," Nathan complimented as he looked at her. Raina was wearing a red blouse and black trousers. "Red is a great colour for you." "Thanks." Raina blushed, then noticed Nathan's batik shirt and smiled. "Hey, I remember that!" "Your family gave me this last year," Nathan reminded her. "I love this." Oh, last year, Raina thought with a sudden pang. "You two want to go now?" Hedra interrupted. When Raina nodded, Hedra took her hand. "Thanks for accompanying Nathan to Batik Fair today. Sorry I have to work, but I'll catch up with you guys later." "No problem." --- // --- It was a good thing that Raina could still restrain herself from automatically hold Nathan's hand as they were crossing the busy street like a year before. The streets are always occupied by speeding daredevils on wheels. Typical Jakarta. Wild, human jungle laws always win. Up to now, Nathan still looked terrified. Raina only shielded him, the way a guy normally shields a girl when they cross the street. Pretty amusing, but Raina didn't care. At least they could still talk. Laugh like they'd used to. Be good friends. "Do you think we might find any local cookbooks at the fair?" asked Nathan suddenly, during lunch at the food court of Plaza Senayan. "I'd like to buy one to learn how to cook at home." "I don't know, maybe," Raina answered, glancing at Nathan's chicken satay. Raina was enjoying her chicken soto. "I've seen one in Perplus, all complete and in English. You might like it, because most of the menus are non-fries." "Ah." Nathan smiled. "You remember." "I don't forget." Suddenly her cellphone beeped. There was a text from Sean. Raina smiled as she read it: "Baby, where r u?" "Ah, he's looking for you, eh?" Nathan, who'd been peering behind her back with curiousity, teased her. "Is he joining us anytime soon?" Raina grinned. "I'm afraid not today. He still has something to do." Then, in front of Nathan, she replied Sean's text: "Lunch w/ an old friend @ Senayan. Will meet u 4 dinner, remember?" "So, what's he like?" "You know, my type," Raina told him. "Tall, brown-haired, thick eyebrows..." "Cool." --- // --- Hedra finally caught up with them as dusk began to settle in. Raina watched them hug each other tightly, as if they hadn't met in the morning yet. Suddenly she felt awkward. Time to go? "You still want to hang around, right?" asked Hedra, barely aware of Raina's change of expression. Raina nodded doubtfully. She hesitantly followed the couple who were now fully absorbed in their own bliss. It felt as if Raina had transformed into a ghost. Thankfully, Sean saved the rest of her day. This time, he called her. "Baby, you don't forget our dinner, do you?" he demanded huskily. From the corner of her eye, Raina noticed them staring at her. "No, I don't," she responded calmly, loud enough to be heard. "I'll see you there, Sean." Click! "Do you need to go somewhere?" asked Nathan suddenly. Raina nodded. "It's Sean, waiting for me." "Okay." Nathan smiled with understanding. "Have fun." Just like in the morning, Raina hugged them both - one by one. Hedra was first. "Baik-baik ya, sama dia." (Be good to him.) Hedra giggled. "Relax, Rai," she said. "Have fun." "It's good to see you again," Nathan whispered when Raina hugged him too. Once again she closed her eyes as she inhaled his (too) familiar scent. At least for one last time. "Be good to her, okay?" "I will." After that, Raina turned around and left. She never looked back again. --- // --- Outside the building, the rain was pouring. The night sky was gloomy. Raina didn't have any umbrella with her, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get away. Her cellphone rang. 'Sean Prescott' blinked on its screen. "Hello?" "How was it?" asked an excited girl on the phone. "Forget it, Shana." Raina sighed. "He didn't care. Come to think of it, actually I didn't need him to be jealous anyway." "Raina, you're going to be just fine." "Okay," Raina mumbled. "Thanks, Shan." "Anything for my pal." After that, Raina stared at her cellphone. Soon after, 'Sean Prescott' was changed to 'Shana Pramudya'. Raina sighed deeply. She let her tears fall, joining more droplets of rain. No one noticed. No one cared. That night, Raina had her own plan. There never was a 'Sean Prescott' nor anybody else. Just Raina - and the remains of her shattered heart. She knew she was going to be just fine. She would be and she had to. They both had apologized to her. They also looked so happy together. That was why Raina didn't want to appear too shattered, although her previous plan had failed. Once again, it was just a plan. -the end- (published in SPICE!, December 2009)

A LOVE CYNIC'S "TWISTED AGENDA"???*SNEERS*
I still remember one short story I'd read in a local teenage magazine about a decade ago or so. Sadly, I forgot the title and the writer.*blushes* But still, I remember the plot. It's about this two-timer at the crossroad, having to choose between two girlfriends he's been secretly dating. He takes Girlfriend No.1 out with him. While they're sitting side by side in his parked car - in silence - he suddenly blurts out the most shocking and unexpected question of the night: "What would you do if I broke up with you?" She turns to him in a flash, all wide-eyed with her dropping jaw. But then she looks ahead again and draws in a long, sharp breath. He is sure (and worried too) that she is going to cry any second, throw a fit on him, anything like that. He's preparing himself for that. Expect the speculated reactions. After a moment of very uncomfortable silence, she turns to him again. This time, she looks amazingly calm. She tells him that of course, she'll be sad. But then she'll do tons and tons of more worthy activities to help her to avoid feeling all too miserable because of him. She assures him that she'll feel much better after that. Soon, she'll be okay without him. She won't need him that much anymore. She'll be just as good as new. I'm sure you could guess what happens next.:P I love her answer, and he is even struck by it he holds her instead. Yes, he chooses No.1 and ditches No.2, because the other girl starts crying and begs him to stay. Enough said. I also remember Dee's "Perahu Kertas" (The Paper Ships) that Hani lent me. The story had made me cry (especially since I hadn't been in a good, emotionally-stable condition :P). But it was really damn good.:'-) Kugy is my favourite character there. She's an idealist, a children's fairytale writer, and such a brave girl. Why? She realizes that she can't stick with her boyfriend Josh anymore when she learns she's falling in love with Keenan the quiet, eccentric artist. And when Keenan starts dating Wanda the rich girl, Kugy hides her pain by killing off all her spare time. She manages to finish college a year early and also volunteers as a teacher for poor kids in a slum neighbourhood. Thanks to her extra hard work. Although Kugy makes another mistake by dating Remy while her heart is obviously still (and always) on Keenan, she makes a sensible decision in the end. She breaks up with Remy and returns the engagement ring, something most Indonesian women don't normally do.:P (I don't mean to be all sarcastic here, but I know my people.) Well, that story has a happy ending for the main characters, of course. I guess that's why they call it fiction. So bloody typical.:P But still, I want to be that kind of girl. Whether people like my decision or not, it's still my life. Well, you can say that love is certainly not my favourite topic. That's for sure. A lot has happened in 2009 and I can't deny the fact that some unpleasant changes are just unavoidable. We can't always understand everything, so all the wonders - the "whys" and "what ifs" - are futile. We'll just have to live with it, whether we like it or not. End of the story. Never expect for any prince charming if you were never born a princess in the first place. Oh, yes. This is the cynic talking. That can all be too good to be true, like sweet cotton candy that will kill your teeth if you consume it way too much. You're lucky if you don't have to go to the dentist after that.*sneers* These days, when a guy calls me 'sweet' stuff, I just don't fall all too easily. I've grown skeptic. Instead of feeling all that "wow", my mind is constantly filled with questions like: "What's the catch?" and "How long will this sneaky little charade last?" Come on, I'm not that stupid anymore. I'm not a gullible idiot nor a fragile damsel in distress. It's all too damn good to be true. Nothing is free in this world. That's why I'm not that too excited when he does all that.:P Back to square one, a familiar ground. My friend Mz.D thought he might be the type with poor, stereotypical judgement about Asian women being all docile and easy.*snarls* She's been too Europe and met some like that. She said he might've fit the profile.:P Me? I'm not looking for a relationship now. I'm still healing. Whatever he might be up to, we'll see. If it's true that he's just another stranger-danger, this is going to be one hell of an interesting game.*big evil grin* Let's see if I can prove him wrong if he really thinks that way about me. The Author

THE BROKE HOLIDAY :P
First of all, hurrah for the long holiday!:D More break time and (definitely) more time to write. Oh, speaking of writing, I still haven't received any money from SPICE! for my short story.:| I called them last Tuesday and they said I might have to wait for another week. Someone who seems to be in-charge for that is still abroad. It's also holiday season. Oh, well.*shrugs* No news from Kis FM yet.:| Hmm... Next year will be better. It has to. Well, it looks like my wish to be busier may come true soon. The CAE class is scheduled to start on January 14 - once a week. (Please, no more delays - or else I'll have to take it in British Council - using my own cash.:|) Leese has also asked me to be a jury again for a storytelling competition in her school on February 9.:) A little early request, but that's okay. So, what am I going to do today? I must save what's still left in my ATM, so I'm not sure about hanging out somewhere. I just did an emergency shopping for my family yesterday. Well, I'll probably go to the gym before it closes early. You know, holiday.:P Watching TV all day? Hmm, it depends on the shows. Or I can start reading Alan Lightman's "Einstein's Dreams". Bobby surprisingly lent me that sometime last week. Let's see if my brain can handle it.*big evil grin* I've watched "Paranormal Activity" with The Almost Twins recently. It reminds me of "The Blair Witch Project". It was okay, I guess, but not that scary. Almost boring too, because it was dragging too long and slow - and the ending was also kind of...predictable. But it still freaked The Almost Twins out.*big evil grin* I don't know. Maybe I've been watching too many horror movies. I am officially immune to such fictional thrills.:P The Author

LEFT IN SUBCONSCIOUSNESS
One thing I see whenever I close my eyes. Nightmares are no longer scary but sweet dreams make me cry. Why? Another thing I hate the moment I'm awake. Sweet dreams were left in my sleep, as I am lost in reality. The Author

OUT OF THE BLUE
It was completely out of the blue. I'd chatted with my old college friend Ogie-Wogie on Facebook yesterday morning.:) I was going to go the gym again in the afternoon, but I fell asleep.:( Maybe I was too tired, but I still hated that. A call from Putri Tantia woke me up. She urged me to hang out with her and Ryla in Cilandak Townsquare. She said it had been a while since the last time we did. My first thought was my thinning ATM.:P I haven't received any money from SPICE! for my short story yet. But then, when I looked in the mirror, another thought crossed through my mind: You work too hard. Go out and have some (real) fun. Which was exactly what I did - even for such a very short time. Having dinner at Thai Express. (The honey chicken rice was really superb!:D) Catching up with each other's latest news. (Both Putri Tantia and Ryla are currently unemployed and still looking for other new jobs. It was amazing that they could still look that relaxed and happy. Me? I'd be stressed out like crazy!) Meeting new friends. (Ryla's old high school pal Uci from Bandung and a guy named Koko.) Even my sister's friend from our old university Ucok stopped by for a while. All in all, it was a pleasant night.:) I came home feeling more relaxed I fell asleep instantly. The Author

HYPED!
"There is nothing wrong with having ambitions - as long as they don't become (unhealthy) obsessions." I know that I shouldn't think too much about it, but I still don't get it. Why are there still people who fear those with ambitions? Is it their lack of surviving skills, their envy? Or is it a sense of aggressiveness in every competition that makes the not-so-ambitious feel intimidated or even - threatened? Whatever the reason is, there are still adults who aren't that mature in life. It's such a shame that they can't deal with (strong) competitions in a noble way, so they just keep on trying to make ambitious people look bad.:P How sad. As if I care.*rolls eyes* So what if I refuse to settle for less? It's time to be more progressive anyway.:) It's my choice. I need that, because this is my life I'm living in. Whoa, I hope I'm not sounding a bit hostile today.*big evil grin* Maybe it's the extra shot of caffeine. I am feeling kind of...hyped. Well, let's just hope that the effect still lasts...even after the caffeine is gone.:P Hehe.*giggles* I've visited my favourite local radio station 95.1 Kis FM last Wednesday morning at ten.:D Actually, I had arrived an hour early, but that was okay. For a walk-in interview for a part-time announcer, why not? And the interview had also gone well, I believe.:D I'd dressed my best. I'd shed my scruffy tomboy look just for a day.:P I'd looked more professional, ready, and damn smart too (especially with a newspaper handy while waiting for their call, hehe.*big evil grin*) I happened to be the neatest-looking one among all the other female applicants. YAY ME!:D They handed me a sampling script - two stories and a commercial spot. The familiarity made me smile. Thank you Dr.Pope Pius who had taught and vocal-coached me on Announcing in college. I even stole an example from a female announcer on duty that morning. She sounded good on the air because she was smiling as she spoke to the microphone. After the take, the male interviewer asked me a lot of questions. He seemed mighty interested with my English accent and my teaching background. I gave him my winning smile as I politely answered.;) Of course, I honestly told him that I was still bound with my teaching contract until June 2010. (And yes, I do respect commitment with work.) It was a good sign that he seemed to understand, although he also said that he'd look at their new schedule next month and discuss things with their board of directors. No problem. I was already glad for their try-out opportunity anyway. "Are you okay with working on late-night shifts?" he suddenly asked me. How typical.:| I know that I am a woman. "Uh, how late?" "We've got a 6-9." No way. All the 5:00 pm classes finish at seven. "And a 9-12." "9-12 sounds good." I smiled again. "As long as I can sleep over here after that." "Sure." He grinned at me. "A plenty of us do that here." "Cool." Well, that's what you get for working in the media. I've had my share of that in college. After thanking him, I waltzed out of the room happily, smiling at the other applicants as I exited the building. Call it my 'mean trick' in competitions. I had to act as if I'd just scored a goal or made a three-point shot.:P That should distract their focus - and confidence - a little. Hehe.*big evil grin* Whether I'll get it or not, at least I've done my best.:) I had lunch with the rest of the office last Saturday afternoon at a seafood restaurant called "Bandar Djakarta" in BSD. It was pretty embarrassing, because - after a few bites on fried gurami fish, fried squid, and spicy prawns - my face had turned all red and itchy. Damn allergy.:( I'd freaked them out pretty bad until the waiter finally rushed with anti-allergy pills, before my face started to bloat. The last thing I ever needed was a visit to the ER in Omni Hospital - which is just right across the street. Thankfully, the pills kicked in quickly. I soon went back to normal.:) We did exchanging presents plus announcing our New Year's resolutions. (Too early, I know.) I've got Kate Saunders' fantasy novel "Cat and The Stinkwater War". I gave Leese an anthology of children's short stories in "Orang-Orang Tercinta" (The Loved Ones) by.Kusnanto. Why? She's one of the teachers who is so good with little kids, so I think the book is perfect for her. "2010 - Be healthier, happier - with a more progressive career and be more productive in writing." The Author

COLD IN THE WARMTH OF THE WORLD
I recently watched a re-run of "Law and Order: SVU (Special Victims' Unit)" in an episode called "Trades". (If I'm not mistaken.) It's about a dead, pregnant blond woman found dead in a burning apartment that leads to a wealthy coffee businessman and his son. There's also this pretty, sharped-tongued lawyer they call Avery who's also a good college friend of the rich man's son. She's always there, especially when the guy is in trouble with the law. From the way she's so protective of him, I could already guess even before the end of the episode: She loves him. It turns out that later Detective Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) and his partner Detective Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) find out more about the dead blond, the father-son crazy competition in getting the youngest girlfriends, and the evidence that finally leads to the real killer. The blond turns out to be a manipulative bitch who only goes for money, which enrages Avery that she finally kills her. When the rolling tape shows how she does it, Avery runs to the top of the NYPD building, trying to jump. As the guy she loves tries to persuade her to come off the ledge, she gives a heartbreaking confession about her undying love for him - that she is much better at treating him than that slut. But then, she furiously accuses the father of having hurt the son she only loves so badly. After telling him that he'll never hurt his son again, she suddenly drags the startled guy with her and they fall together and crash against a car to death. The father gets hysterical after that. And strangely, I couldn't stop crying after that.:'-( It was so crazy. I don't ever want to be that girl. Too sad, too scary... My friend Rey got married to a lucky girl named Tya this weekend. He'd invited Mom and me to come on last Saturday night. First of all, why do I say Tya is a lucky girl? I know Rey.:) Sweet, sensitive, a true fighter in life who loves children. What else? He's a real wonderful guy. Actually, I haven't been in any suitable mood to attend any weddings lately, but I made an exception for my good friend here. Besides, Mom can't go out alone as much as she used to anymore. She's got a slightly damaged sight. The doctor had discovered that the cornea in her left eye was a bit...cracked.:( It was a long-term effect from her old (bad) habit of rubbing her eyes too roughly when they itch. (It's something that my brother often does too.) Laser shots didn't really work, so we're still looking for other opinions - and money too. So, how was the wedding? It was good.:D So was the food. (Screw diet, because now I've gotten used to having both regular exercises and - most importantly - portion control...once again.:P) My friend looked very happy and I thanked God for that.:) Happiness and good things should happen to good people, right? He truly deserves it. When he saw Mom and me approaching to congratulate him, he was all beaming. His smile broadened as we shook hands tightly I couldn't help smiling back at him. He yelled, "Keep writing!" "I will." I nodded and gave him a hug. As he hugged me back, I said, "Please, pray for me." "Of course I will." I don't know why I asked him that, but I somehow sensed a flash of warm understanding in his eyes. Maybe he thought I'd only meant Dad. There was also another good thing about attending Rey's wedding.:D We ran into Fani and her lovely, two-year-old daughter Anaia. Fani told me about Rey's side-project for arranging kids' summer camp every year sometime in June and July. She said they might need more volunteers for that, especially since they usually go abroad too. That's exactly what I'm looking for.:D Anything to keep myself busy. My favourite local radio station 95.1 Kis FM is also opening a job vacancy as an announcer on Wednesday morning at ten. It's a walk-in interview and I am not missing it. I need the extra money, the morning job to stay busy or else I'll go crazy. Besides, I'm still young, single, and productive. I can do whatever I want and use my talents effectively.:P The Author

THE CRITICIZED VS. THE CRITICS
If you happen to be an Indonesian who likes to eat at Padangese Restaurants, you might be familiar with their favourite quote after the costumers having the meals: "If you enjoy our meals and services, do tell your friends and family. If you don't, tell us." Or perhaps, the other restaurants and other places usually have their suggestion boxes strategically placed where costumers can see and have easy access to. What for? We are not just talking about business people conducting a survey on their costumers' reactions here. They are also anticipating criticisms from dissatisfied costumers, in order to maintain their products to be better. In theory. Why do I say 'in theory'? Because in reality, it is just not that easily applicable - either for the critics and, most critically, the criticized. As humans, how ready are we to be criticized, instead of just being the critics? That question is forever rhetorical. We are also aware of the fact that one is easier (and much quicker) than the other. Expressing disappointment tends to be more automatic than accepting criticism. Why? Accepting criticism often takes time. It requires a lot of deep thinking, analyzing, struggling against denial over what might be brutally true - until it's time to finally accept and let go. That, if everyone can (and want to) reach to that stage. The process can be long and painful. There has been a popular theory about being a (good) critic. If your criticism is based on solid facts and delivered with soft-spoken decency, then you are safe. No hard feelings from the other side. If only it would work for everybody. Sadly, there are those who still have a hard time listening with an open mind (and heart). Even the most subtle critic can still burn them. Why? Maybe they forget (or even choose to ignore) the fact that they too are imperfect mortals. They make mistakes, but they somehow worsen it by refusing to acknowledge criticisms as a sign of friendly warning, not a merely personal attack of insult to bring them down. The worst possibility? If they have enough money and power, they tend to simply use it to make the life of their so-called 'insolent' critics a living hell on earth. Sad but true, but it has become the same old, familiar but treacherous plague in my country once again. Back to the Padangese restaurant's quote. I personally believe that it is a sign of good will, modesty, and - most importantly - better services in the future. It shows that they truly care about their costumers' satisfaction with their products and services. Instead of just asking "Why don't you like us?", they are also open to a more specific question: "What can we do to be better next time?" I have had a similar experience about business and costumers' satisfaction. It happened when I visited a cybercafe called 'MC-Net' in Blok M's bus terminal. At that time, they'd put a blocker against all (considered) pornographic sites. It was okay, I guess, until I couldn't access my Yahoo and Facebook account because of that. Feeling frustrated for having spent my money for nothing, I hadn't just let out a loud, angry protest - but also posted my complaint on a public forum on Facebook the moment I visited another cybercafe. One worried user warned me there about me ending up like Prita Mulyasari, a mother from Tangerang who has been put in jail for having e-mailed her friend about Omni International Hospital's unsatisfactory service. Her friend later forwarded the e-mail to a mailing list. That is how Prita got arrested. Fortunately, I am still safe. (Hopefully I will stay that way.) In fact later on, when I revisited 'MC Net', they have made Facebook accessible again. I don't know if I had ever had something to do with it, but at least it is a good sign. They may only have a small business downtown, but at least they still listen to their costumers' complaints and play fair. They care. If business people refuse to listen to their costumers' complaints, can we ever blame the costumers for telling - or, you could say, warning - other people not to use certain products or come to certain places? If Omni Hospital hadn't behaved so outrageously, Prita would be home by now with her family and people wouldn't have to keep donating tons of coins up to 200 million rupiahs - just to bail her out of prison and make a joke out of them. Their reputation wouldn't be tainted by their own arrogance. One thing is crystal clear here: If you still have a big, fat ego that leaves you unable to accept criticisms, don't work in any services department. You might only end up getting people to disrespect you more. The Author

FATAL MISTAKE AND WONDER
Wow. It's really hard to start writing again, especially since I've been busy for the past week or so.:O But hey, as usual - I'll try to recap it. The first time I bought this month issue of SPICE!, I was so excited to see my name in their contributor's list.:D YAY! I know that means they've accepted and published my short story again (after the previous third piece some time ago.) But to my dismay, when I opened the page to have a look on my story - I got the most unexpected shock. First of all, it really is my story. The title is "Perubahan Rencana" (A Change of Plans). The story is very personal, because...umm, it's actually a nonfiction. It's about Red and me, and I really wrote it from the heart (especially because it had taken a lot in me to just do so at that time.:|) And they put someone else's name on it!:O Putrika Anindyasarathi?! HOW DARE THEY?!! GRRH...!!:x That's why I sent a complaint e-mail and called to speak to their editorial secretary Rini on Tuesday. She stammered an apology, claiming that the staff who edited my work had been rather distracted lately because she was pregnant and it was actually her last day before taking a three-month leave. But of course, she said I would still get paid soon and they would correct on their fatal mistake publicly on their next issue - right on their "Readers' Mails" page. Good. And I hope they will put my e-mail there too. *deep sigh* How unprofessional. Pitbull said that wasn't enough. She suggested that I come to their office in Sudirman soon, along with the copy of my originally unedited short story and show them that. That sounds like a damn good idea. It's my story. Mine! My own!:( *sighs* I know I sound like Frodo with the ring, but I don't care. I am entitled to. Well, at least my other article on my office bulletin "ILP Showcase" was published under my own name.") I gave tips to the other teachers about teaching using the audio visuals. Nothing new, just a slight improvisation. Last Saturday, I went to the national workshop in Pancoran with the other teachers. There was this teacher from Bandung named Nisa with a very interesting presentation called "Journal Writing Using Scrapwork To Improve Students' Writing Skills". She was so dedicated in the project that she used multimedia and stuff, including interviewing the students. Although - sadly - the result of her research wasn't that satisfying (most students still say they don't like writing and won't start any :|), that was still a very interesting presentation. What is it with Indonesian kids these days? Too much homework, too many activities, so little time, and lack of enough rest? Have we somehow overly burdened them with lots of demands and expectations and not cut them some slack? I don't know. I've been used to having tons of activities since my teenage years, but maybe it's just me. I mean, I've always been the overachiever, the workaholic. Call me ambitious, but life without any goals/purposes feels just...empty. The Author

MORNINGS WITH GANESH
"Okay, hypothetically: You meet a girl and both of you fall in love with each other. Then you decide to get married and have agreed with 'no kids' policy. But somewhere along the way - no matter how careful you are - something still happens and she gets pregnant. What do you think?" "Then that would be a problem, wouldn't it?" I still remember that conversation over dinner together. I can picture the way his piercing, smoky blue eyes gazed at me. They'd meant business. There was also a sense of finality in his voice. No compromise. End of discussion. It happened about one and a half years ago and somehow feels like worlds away. Other times, it still does feel like yesterday. How unbelievably odd. Up to now, he still has no idea just how much what he'd said back then really scared me. I mean, I'm not exactly too crazy about kids - or even the thought of having one or two myself. I love kids. They're great. That's it. Well, he doesn't need to know that. I don't want him to. I believe I have made the right decision not to pursue it any further, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt at first. No b.s. here. Now I feel is nothing else but total numbness whenever I think about him. I don't know why, or whether it's a good thing or else. Or even both.*shrugs* I've got a lot to do now, but so little time. A bad (time) management. How typical. I just need to keep reminding myself of that conversation, so that I have no more regrets left about it. The 'what ifs' are useless. They only torment your soul and leave no space to breathe. The only good thing at home that can make me smile more is the presence of my cute, seven-month-old nephew Ganesh.:) I know he's not my own real son, but does it really matter these days? To me no, at least. My mornings are the best when I'm with him. When his parents are away, he's with me when I'm available. He's the source of happiness at home. I love making him smile and laugh. I love hugging him close. With him, time seems endless. I barely worry about work or other (heavier) things. I even don't care if I still don't get along with his dad (which is sadly, not my fault anyway!) With Ganesh, I am completely a different person than what most people see everyday. And I am enjoying this, while I still can...:D Hani said the result of Red's unhappy childhood has made him that way. I know that too and can understand that. Too bad, so sad that he can't see the best a child can ever really offer any tired, adult soul in the world... The Author

INTERESTING...
I'm still feeling awfully sleepy today, even right after my usual cup of coffee in the morning.:( However, I know that I must come to work. Well, at least Mr.Gorgeous is in one of my two classes today.:P Hehe.*big evil grin* I know he and I just don't stand a chance together - and I also must remain professional at work. I'm 28 and he's 20. (Again, the age gap.:|) He's still in college and all the teenage girls just go ga-ga over him (which is normal, since he's tall, quite athletic, and with thick, dark eyebrows, a nice smile and personality.:D Believe it or not, he's like the perfect combination of Joza...and Tiger.:P) So anyway, I must remain professional at work.:P Well, perhaps this whole 'feeling sleepy' thingy has something to do with having pushed myself over the edge again. Lack of sleep during weekdays and physically drained on weekends - especially Sundays. (And I hate the thought of getting old, eventhough that clearly happens to all of us here.:|) Or maybe it's my lack of exercise. I must do that again next month soon. Even if that new place closer to work will open soon.:) Okay, and now I'm having a stupid headache too.:( Mom came into my room again at midnight, just because Dad wouldn't sleep. I can understand the situation but...*sighs* If it becomes a regular basis, it means losing the only privacy I have left at home. But, what am I supposed to do? I've checked my FB account and noticed that Notorious Boy had removed me from his list. Good. From now on, neither one of us has to pretend to like each other anymore - only because he's Gigi's boyfriend. Mz.D - our more experienced 'profiler' - told me that guys like him are always more intimidated by smarter girls.*sneers* Oh, yeah. Especially since the smarter girls here have already known that he's been lying about his employment status. Some guy wanted to get to know me online, and I could tell from his mail that he was being a genuine friend.:) I don't know. We'll see. I've never intentionally searched for guys online. Somehow, they always find me. This is getting (more) interesting. But then again, that's just how you want to make your life as it is.;) See you next month soon. Cheers. The Author

A TEXT FROM MOM
Alhamdulillah that you've finally been able to open up. Thank you. But I'm sorry, I can't talk about everything right now - because what's happened to Dad is unbearable. I don't want you to get the wrong idea about this. But the point is, I am not playing favourites. I'll do the same thing for your future spouse and Aldi's, the way I have with Gatot. Make your dreams come true with careful, thorough planning - not just as a mean to escape. Remember, our hopes are our prayers - so please be always more optimistic. Our happiness is how we (want to) create it, not from other people's hands. Be grateful to Allah for all the good and bad times in our lives. May Allah forever protect us. Amen. Daddy and I love all of you very much. Mom Received: 19:54:38 18-Nov-2009 The Author

THESE ARE THE DAYS...
Once again, I've been abandoning this blog too long.:P So much has been going on lately. Pick a word to describe this whole thing, and I will definitely choose: heavy. Pibull and Gigi's major fall-out: Why am I not surprised that stuff like this finally took place?:( It started out from the way Gigi interfered with Pitbull's new relationship with Nanda The Boy-Next-Door. Just like me, Pitbull hates it when somebody starts badgering her with the 'M' (marriage) questions. She's right about one thing, though: our Gigi has drastically changed ever since Notorious Nanang came into her life. Now she's grown obsessed with marriage. She's also started drinking coffee again after having quit for some time because of her G.E.R.D. Of course, she's always too tired and sleepy since that guy keeps asking her out all night long everyday. She never has the guts to say no. Then somehow, things got worse. Pitbull chose to break up with Nanda because she still has an unfinished business with her previous ex. She just doesn't want to overly complicate things. Somehow, Gigi didn't buy it. To Pitbull, she sounded as if she couldn't accept such a reason to break up with a guy. Feeling outraged and violated by Gigi's somewhat clouded opinion, Pitbull finally came clean with her. (I can understand why she couldn't take it anymore. She's actually more emotional and temperamental than me.) She pointed out Gigi's drastic changes too. However,as I'd predicted earlier, Gigi got very defensive...again.:( She practically denied everything. She said she changed for herself and not anyone else. And she also said the whole thing was just Pitbull's misunderstanding. After that, things got even worse and heated. With all the yelling and cursing, I had little doubt that none of them could think straight anymore. Gigi wasn't even listening, at least not until Pitbull finally dropped the bomb on her. (Which, to my personal opinion, she shouldn't have.) "I know about your boyfriend's real truth!" Silence for a while. Gigi narrowed her eyes at Pitbull, looking seriously annoyed. "What do you know about him?" "I know he's jobless. He's been pretending as a branch manager for X-Trans, while he actually resigned from there as just a receptionist." Dead silence again. This time, Gigi looked pale with shock. "How did you know that? Where did you get that from?" "I don't need to tell you that." Of course, Pitbull didn't want to turn me in. "I just know." After a moment, Gigi regained her composure and replied coldly, "Actually, I've already known that he is. He's looking for another job right now." And then, she added confidently, "And he will." "Good." Since then, they stopped speaking to each other. Too bad...:( "Honesty may cut both ways, but at least it doesn't stab you in the back." Pitbull and me - our private conversation: "I don't mind taking a public bullet for you." "What?!" I stopped and stared at her in horror. "NO!" "Seriously, I don't mind," she assured me. "I don't care if she thinks I investigated her stupid boyfriend's background. I really don't, okay? This is just between her and me. Don't worry, I'll never turn you in on this." The breaking point: Let me get this straight. I'm generally a fair person (not by skin colour, if you know what I mean.:P) If I know I make mistakes, I'll simply admit it and say sorry. That's how a noble lady should be. Two Fridays ago, I was using the internet at home with the PC in the morning. G was using his laptop in the same room, while my brother was talking to him. When I finished using the internet, I automatically disconnected the modem. Suddenly my brother screamed, "No, don't shut it off!" "Oops, sorry!" I quickly switched it back on. I saw G glaring at me, but he said nothing. Later, my sister called from work. She was practically yelling at me for not asking questions first before shutting the damn thing off. It turned out that G had been wi-fi-ing to download some stuff for his office when I shut it off. And he'd yelled at my sister for something that I did, while it was dead obvious that we were in the same room! And she accused me for NOT WANTING TO TALK TO HIM!!:x ............................ :'-(... I had a mental breakdown after work that day.:( For the first time in a couple of years, it was so difficult for me to stop crying my eyes out. It was obviously a two-year-old scar. I'm not sure I can take another year of it. So, that's why I had to escape to Hani's at Bekasi until Monday. I left Mom a letter, explaining the whole pent-up anger and disappointment I've been keeping for two years. I'd hugged Baby Ganesh close earlier, silently whispering to his tiny ear: "I never want to hate you daddy, baby, but he doesn't make this any easier. But still, I love you anyway." Recent days: Both Gigi and Pitbull have finally made amends and become friends again. I'm glad.:D And my seminar went well today.:) The Author

A LETTER TO MOM
Mom, I'm tired. Really tired. I am so tired of having to pretend. Actually, I've been wanting to talk about this since forever. I don't remember the last time we really communicated, eventhough we talk everyday. Whenever I wanted to say something, I barely had the chance. Neither there was no time or everybody was always busier with other more IMPORTANT things. I've realized that I'm nobody's first priority. I don't even want to ask for that anyway. What for? I don't want to be a nagging spoiled brat. I don't want to be a burden and selfish. I'm sorry if I've been nothing more than just a disappointment to all of you. It's hard to be perfect. There's always something lacking. I know, all this time I've been accused of being childish. It's always much easier that way, isn't it? I never want to make people feel sad. More than twice I've thought about writing this, because I know I'll be argued heavily if I start talking. There are always excuses, reasons, and justification. (Once again), I'm the one who must be more tolerant and understanding. That's why I keep quiet most of the time. I didn't feel the use in talking. I'd always lose and become the bad guy. All this time, I've remained quiet because G's family have always been nice. I don't have the heart to upset Daddy who is still ailing. When Grandpa was sick, I had to keep quiet too. I also love Ganesh. I don't want him to grow up to see me fail in trying to get along with his own parents. But I can't do this alone. To be honest, the last time I've ever really felt close to you were when my best friend Pumpkin died and when I had to visit a doctor. Must I lose someone or get sick first in order to get you to communicate with me? You've never wanted to know why I'd insisted on bringing Nick home. You didn't see me cry. Nick had been the only person hugging me because of that. I was feeling lonely among the ironically familiar crowd. Ironically, he'd been the only person who understood me better back then. He'd been lonely too. Although things didn't work out between us, at least I could still be grateful that he'd been there. You also often complain why I come home late at night a lot. Have you ever wondered the reason behind that? I've become an insomniac workaholic. I frequent work more and sleep less. Dad and Ganesh are the only two reasons why I still want to stay. My room is the only comfort zone for me at home. That's all. I often wish I could forget the time when I had that nasty fever back at the restaurant. You'd preferred making some tea for healthier G after work, while I had to stagger downstairs just to make my own dinner. I remember you always asking me to be more tolerant and understanding. Yes, I want her to be happy too. She's my sister. But when will this ever stop? If I'm the only one accused for being the problem here, you'd better listen to both sides of the story. All this time I've been trying, even if it's still considered not enough and unseen. I know G's told you that I don't like him. It was and still is true, because you've always overspoiled both of them. I understood why. You just wanted her to get married soon. You got your wish. However, I hate G for being such a snitch. I've also felt disappointed with you who bought him easily without even clarifying it with me. That hurt, Mommy. Really hurt. It feels like I've lost you since then. I feel like I'm not yours at all. Now, I can't even really talk to any of you at all. I am terribly lonely. Nick has chosen Hani more and now I understand why. I don't remember the last time someone told me they loved me, so I didn't know how to show him that I did love him. Maybe that's why he left. You only told me I'd find someone else. I know you always try your best and pray for every good thing to come to the three of us. Once again, I don't want to ask for too much. I never want to hate anybody. I don't mind G living with all of us, especially since he's married my sister and they have Ganesh. I just want a little respect. That's all. All this time, I've tried to talk to G, but he just ignores me! What hurts me more is that everyone is always on his side. You always protect him and my sister. She never wants to know why I'm like this. She only demands that I talk to him more, when it's obvious that her husband hardly puts any effort to do the same to me. Is it that bloody difficult for him to talk to me, say it straight to my face if I ever do something wrong to him? AM I THAT REPULSIVE he even sees me as a hideous creature? If he has a problem with me, then why does he keep snitching at you or attacking my sister all the time? What about me, who's been suppressing this pain for the past couple of years and more in the name of nothing but pure TOLERANCE?! If this goes on, then don't be surprised if I keep refusing to talk to him more. I don't believe that younger ones must be more tolerant and obedient. Respect is earned with grace, elegance, and through good examples - not by arrogance nor force of authority. Don't you think the elders must set out good examples first before any of that? I miss the old you, Mom. You used to be fairer. Sorry for being a loud mouth here. I just don't want to end up like Dad - suddenly limp and unable to speak, because he's been swallowing too much 'SILENT POISON'. While I'm still able to talk... If this letter is just another failed attempt and I'm still considered an immature, intolerant freak - don't get me wrong that I'm more obsessed to live abroad and be on my own. All this time, I've been unable to be myself lately. I'm really tired. I'm in pain. I'm lonely. Mommy, please...='( The Author

OVERHEATED...:(
I feel weird.:-? Maybe it's the weird weather these days that really gets to me. I get tired more easily and my mind is in fragments. I get distracted quite often. I hate this.:| Once again, I must do something about this. Again, I remember what my friend Ki told me a few years back. "The older we get, the more sensitive we become," he'd said. I wonder if it really works that way for everybody. Does it have something to do with maturity? Maybe. (Well, most likely - hopefully.:P) What if it has also something to do with our lack of emotional management and control? Does maturity still count as well? I hate to admit that the older we get, the weaker we can also become. But maybe, that's not always the case. Like what happened last Saturday, when Mz.D and I (Dee had asked me to change her name in my blog :P) went to the book fair in Senayan together. Gigi couldn't go, as usual. Pitbull said she always needs more sleep during weekends.*giggles* And Hani? She had to pass that because she needed to study for her exams. She's been taking an online course called Open University, majoring in communication. Good for her.:) Maybe it was just my own pure exhaustion. The night before, I came home to find Mom asleep in my room. She does that sometimes whenever she's too tired, because - as a stroke patient - Dad often can't sleep well at night, which results in disturbing Mom. So I didn't dare wake her up just yet. I waited outside in front of TV until she finally woke up around two. Then there was a slight disturbance at work last Saturday morning. My student had canceled our 8:00 am class, so I'd thought I could just relax at home a little before meeting Mz.D. But unfortunately, Shanti suddenly called to beg me to substitute for Leese's class. Leese fainted on her way to work.:( When I got there, the electricity had gone out...again,:| The sucky thing is, this will have to keep happening until sometime in December - due to some sort of mishap in the electricity company.) However, the front line man asked me to stay put until ten, just in case the lights went back on again (despite the already official cancellation from The Central Office for all classes that day.) With the dead photocopier, what could I have possibly prepared at such a sudden, short notice? Man, I didn't even get to have my morning coffee just yet (unless if I'd taken a short visit to a small store next door - just to buy some hot, boiled water!) When the students finally showed up, guess what? The front line man could neither be straight nor firm about The Central Office's direct order about the cancellation. Since the students insisted on studying despite no AC was on that day, he simply told me to use one of the rooms with the windows - just so it wouldn't be so dark.*rolls eyes* I had to let the door open. The students asked for it. How could I say no? And how stingy the bosses up there can be, that - up to now - we're still not supported with a box of gen-set to overcome the power-out issue?) To make matters worse, everybody - including HIM! - just left me and the students alone, even when we weren't done yet. WTF?! He was supposed to be the last man standing at work! I must complain to the principal and claim for my money too.:( At least I got to buy some books with Mz.D, but I was already too exhausted I'd nearly passed out. She quickly suggested something to eat before we left Senayan. I couldn't agree more to that. On Sunday, I just had to stay home. Dead-beat.:( The Author

CASE CLOSED
First of all, happy 28th birthday to me.:) Secondly, I've been abandoning this blog lately.:P Busy? Yes. But besides that, the internet at home has been fixed a little. So, where must I start? Probably from last week on Friday. Last Friday: According to our previous plotted plan, we decided to ask Gigi to hang out with us at "Warung Jajan" again after work. Luckily, she said yes. Our friend Shanti (who had no idea what Pitbull, Dee, and I were actually up to) joined us for a while. Dee had to teach her TOEFL students first until nine, but she said she'd catch up with us soon after that. "I'm sure he'll follow her around again this evening," Pitbull whispered to me with a disgusted look on her face. I just nodded silently. Even before we left, he'd already rung her like crazy while she was still in the bathroom. I noticed his name on her cellphone's LCD. Then, when we were finally at "WJ" (from now on, I'll just call it that for short.:P), Gigi seemed uneasy. She was anxious, to be exact. Dorman invited me to sing on stage again as usual. Some time after that, Shanti had to leave early. Dee finally joined us at ten. So did he.*rolls eyes The three of us could already tell from the way he behaved that night. First, he only cared about Gigi and didn't bother to play nice with us eventhough it was already too deadly obvious that he'd crashed into our ladies' night.:P Second, Dee happens to be the oldest among us, and he'd disrespected her by not acknowledging her existence there. ("Don't worry, I never need any special attention from a lame poser like him at all," Dee later told me lightly. "Guys like him just make me sick!") And last but not least, he was lying about his job...again. How did I find out? Our conversation (or should I say, my attempt to make a 'nice, polite' conversation with him :P) just showed it all. Lots. "So, any projects for year-end tours at work?" "Oh, yeah. We have one for Bangkok." He avoided my gaze. "And, some kind of place in Thailand or some sorts..." "You mean, besides Bangkok?" I raised my eyebrow suspiciously. Anyone who works for a travel agency must know that Bangkok is the capital city of Thailand. "Bangkok's in Thailand." "Oh, yeah!" He was looking away...again. Busted. "It's..." "In Phuket, right?" Gigi suddenly joined in brightly. I wasn't naive enough to notice that she was actually protecting him from my interrogative questions. "Phuket and Pattaya too." "Oh, yeah. Yeah!" He was grinning, but he knew he was losing it. He couldn't fool me, because he could no longer keep up with his own pathetic little charade.*rolls eyes* Meanwhile, I gave him my Chesire Cat grin again, anticipating the next round. "Which travel agency do you work for again?" "X-Trans." "Which X-Trans?" "The one in Fatmawati." "Oh." I nodded, knowing where it is. "Got a business card?" "No." "Too bad." Gotcha, you creep. Last Sunday (Pitbull and me): "I've been thinking. What if she's already found out what he's really like, but she's chosen to stay in denial? What's the point in doing all of this surveillance thingy?" "As sad as it is, there's no such thing as worthless effort - especially for something good. Why don't we try our best first and leave the rest up to her later?" "Yeah." I am sad too, but what else can we all do if that is the case? I mean, Tiger's been right all along. "Some battles just aren't meant for us to conquer, no matter how good our intentions might be." "You're right." Strangely, I felt calm that day. Tuesday: However, I was still curious about Nanang's real job, so I decided to do this: 10:00 am: "X-Trans Fatmawati, can I help you?" (brightly cheerful voice) "Hi, this is Renata from Travel and Living. I'd like to interview your branch manager for the administration department. Is he present?" "Oh, you mean the branch coordinator?" the operator corrected me. "I'm afraid he's out for a meeting with clients for a moment, but he'll be back tomorrow.." "Okay, may I know his name?" "Mr.Anton." "Okay, thank you." 11:00 am: When I called again (this time using my deep, heavier voice I've skilled at past acting lessons :P) and asked for Nanang, I got the biggest shock of the day: The operator told me he'd already resigned from work. He used to work as a - get this! - receptionist. ............................ Ha-ha. What a joke. No surprise.*sneers* To make matters worse, Gigi didn't come to work again, claiming illness...again.:( Well, at least I got her money from covering for her two classes. (As cold and heartless as it sounds, I was worried.) I'm glad I've talked to Tiger again.;) I've missed him so. Sadly, the internet connection at home is very slooow... I brought Mom's famous lasagna to work and everybody liked it.:D Good. Somehow, I have a sad feeling that our previous dinner together with Gigi would probably the last we had outside work. He joined us again before their movie night, and still acted as if he still had a job at all. However, his story stretched too far this time when Pitbull deliberately asked him about tickets to Singapore. "Uh, X-Trans is actually just for travel buses around Jakarta and Bandung." Ha! We've known that already. But after tonight, the three of us decided to stop this Nancy Drew's sleuthing operation. At least we've known he's a terrible liar. She's made a choice. It's time to close the case and just move on...:( The Author

BENDING THE LAW??
Gigi showed up at work yesterday. The good thing is, she seemed okay. (Oh, yeah. She'd replied my message on her fb, saying she just had a 'slight problem' at home. What problem? We don't know.) But she said she was fine now, so I want to believe that - for her sake. Last night, she also told both Pitbull and me that she didn't want to think about getting married yet, despite what her parents keep pushing her to. "Besides, I still have so many dreams to fulfill," she stated. "I'm afraid getting married too soon might ruin them." Good girl. She also started putting some make-up on again, so I guess I shouldn't have to worry so much.:) At least she still stood up to her guy. (Fyi, he doesn't want her to wear any make-up at all, because he's afraid she might leave him for any other guy out there if she becomes too beautiful. How bloody insecure.*scoffs* Ugh.) But my smile soon faded at her next confession: "By the way, we've traded using motorcycles, "she told us lightly. "He's much more mobile than I am, but he still hasn't got a motorcycle's vehicle ownership license yet. It could be trouble for him if the police pulled him over." "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Pitbull stared at her in horror. But once again, she just shrugged it off. "It's only for a while," she said. "When he's got the license, we'll simply trade again." After she left for her next class, Pitbull and I stared at each other in utter disbelief and equal horror. Please, tell us we don't need to worry about her at all.:( And damn tell us why! What if she got pulled over by cops one night, and they suspected the motorcycle might've been a stolen one? Did he ever think about that?? Is he that stupid??? If he really loved her, he shouldn't put her in such danger. God, I still hope she knows what she's doing. The Author

PLOTTING...
I know that I've promised some horror stories here.:P However, I've been very busy lately. Sorry. But I'll try. Soon. Meanwhile, there's also real thriller in real life. Last term break, I spied on Gigi's and her boyfriend Nanang's FB status. It turned out that he was in Cirebon - or so he wrote. I don't know. After we all know that he's been lying to her about his job as a branch manager for administration department in a travel agency in Fatmawati, it's just hard to find at least one damn, good excuse to believe a word he says. Especially after we've also learned that he's a member of one of the most ruthless, bullying group of thugs in Jakarta called 'FBR' (Forum Betawi Rempug). That little 'fun' club has a mean reputation for both cowardice and mass vandalism.*rolls eyes* When they don't like something or someone, they always, ALWAYS gather their hungry, testosterone-fuelled mob to vandalize properties and hunt people down for sick pleasure. They find strength in numbers, just like all bullies do.*scoffs* They think they're tough and macho, but we all know better. Each individual is actually as weak as a twig. Sadly, it's hard for the local authority to really banish them all.:| They even don't want to deal with FBR, as far as I'm concerned. Fear, maybe? What a shame. All I know is that they can get away with murder. Okay, back to Gigi and him. When he was out of town, it looked as if Gigi had somehow turned into her old, happier self again. We went to the gym together. She looked more relaxed, as far as I remember. She even smiled for real.:) It was like, I got my best friend back again. I missed her. Then the first week of work started, and she looked ghostly pale again at work. The light had gone from her eyes. She is more attached to her phone lately, answering his call. He even dares disturb her that way!:x After that, she didn't show up on Wednesday, claiming illness once again. Via told me that. She also noticed something was wrong. These days - ever since he came into her life - Gigi seems to get sick a lot. She also almost always shows up late, looking pale and exhausted. She's also distracted during work. Whenever somebody asks her if she's okay, she just shrugs it off, saying she's fine. Via told me someone reported seeing Gigi out of the classroom during teaching hours, accepting his call - abandoning her students. She also heard from Jules (who teaches at a 7:00 pm class on Tuesdays and Thursdays) that - sometime after 9:00 pm on Tuesday, Jules still saw Gigi outside the building, talking to him. Last night, I had this conversation with Dee and Pitbull. We've come up with several possible plots to trick him out of his charade, but the problems are: 1.He's bloody manipulative and has a violent history. If things go wrong, he might order his fellow thugs to either target our office or - worse in my case - my house. He already knows where I live when both Gigi and he escorted me home - twice. 2.She still doesn't realize that she actually doesn't need him to be confident with herself. Maybe she's realized that something's not right with their relationship, but she somehow refuses to admit it - even to herself. Once I spotted her FB status saying: "Harus tetap senyum meski hati merintih." (Must keep on smiling though my heart bleeds). Again, despite all her friends there have asked her if she was okay, she only said thanks without explaining anything. 3.She's 25, but her parents - especially her mother - pushes her about getting married soon. Enough said. Let's hope it's not too late yet. The Author

LOVE SONGS FROM AN OBSESSED STALKER/PSYCHOPATH'S PERSPECTIVE
I just had this silly, amusing conversation with the ladies at work about...sappy love songs/ballads. (And no, I didn't actually come up with the list myself - although you've already known that I am a hapless cynic.*big evil grin*) Believe it or not, even love songs can sound scary too. Browse for their lyrics here, and (hopefully) you'll see what I mean: "Mine (You Could Be)" by.Savage Garden I wait in the darkness Frozen winds surround my face In the cover of darkness I can make believe it's you I feel you like the rain I feel you like the storm cloud building in my heart I wonder if you know the pain to want the one thing that you haven't got Just a twist in time (You could be mine)... "Every Breath You Take" by.The Police Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take Ill be watching you "Invisible" by.Clay Aiken What are you doing tonight I wish I could be a fly on your wall Are you really alone Still in your dreams Why can't I bring you into my life What would it take to make you see that I'm alive If I was invisible Then I could just watch you in your room If I was invisible I'd make you mine tonight If hearts were unbreakable Then I can just tell you where I stand I would be the smartest man If I was invisible (Wait..I already am) "In My Dreams With You" by.Steve Vai I'm watchin' you I'm wantin' you But you turn away I'd crawl through broken glass to you But it wouldn't pay You take me for a fool But if you only knew What I do in my dreams with you What do you think?:P I dare you all to add more to this list.*big evil grin* The Author

ALL-TOO FAMILIAR...
My student canceled our Saturday morning class, so I was basically free to have my second session with the acupuncturist. The side-effects? So far, I only get thirsty and have to drink a lot of water. That's good, I think. Maybe I should start going organics instead, but it's still expensive. It's also a good thing that Doc D said I can still eat whatever I want. (Note: With a small portion, of course. No more binge eating too, no matter how bloody depressed you can be.) However, I still detest this double-standard people keep pulling. It's like, first you hear them tell you to love yourself as you are. But the next thing you hear from them is :"You need to lose weight, sweetie. Say goodbye to chocolate. If you're slimmer, you'll be (more?) beautiful." Are they seriously telling me that I am (still) not beautiful enough, no matter what I do? Ha-ha.*sneers* So much for having developed a pleasant personality with such a distasteful package to their eyes.*rolls eyes* Call me a bitter cynic or else, but I've been way too damn familiar with this whole shit. Well, practically almost all my life, so it's not so bloody surprising anymore.*scoffs* It's like, once you try to get your confidence back, someone else always attempts to crush it all over again. (I mean, seriously. Haven't they all done more than enough already??) Is it part of the whole 'biased' society? An 'order and chaos' theory? Maybe. Is it normal? Well, the answers can be varied. But once again, I must never stop reminding me this: "No matter how nice you try to be, there are always people who still can't - or even won't - accept you for who you are. Why? Please don't ask. That's just how life is, so live with it." I won't forget. Ever. Whatever...*rolls eyes* Since Halloween's about to come, perhaps I'll stop bitching about other people's behaviour I can't stand but can do no shit about - for now. I've got some horror stories (although not originally mine :P) I might want to tell before the next month arrives. Interested?*big evil grin* The Author

my (delayed) entry :P
The last time I went online, the connection suddenly went dead on me.:| It killed my mood too, so I decided to do a little "Criminal Minds" marathon.:P I love that show.:D Well, meanwhile - let's rewind a little bit. Something happened on Tuesday morning. I was on my way to buy credits for my cellphone when my eyes suddenly caught a sight of a neighbour's cute, tiger-striped cat.:D She was lying on the ground outside her owner's fence. Why funny? She was wearing a collar from a vet.*giggles* You know, the kind the vet gives your cat or dog when they have a serious ear infection they might want to scratch all the time. Just like what happens to George's dog Timmy in Enid Blyton's "Famous Five" series. Very funny. I was going to take a picture of that kitty with my cellphone.:) However, as soon as I approached, she looked up at me and dashed away, trying to escape through a small gap under the fence. I'm sure you could pretty much guess what happened next. Crack! The moment I saw her collar torn in two, I had to run off from there before the owner showed up to see what happened.*giggles* Anyway, I've finally let Mom drag me over to an acupuncturist's that same day. Why? Dad's been there on a regular basis and his health slowly but surely progresses...even just bit by bit.:) Somehow, she believes the doc can also give a much better solution for my...extra weight.:| ........................... (Weight issues = a seriously, dangerously sensitive topic!:x) "Do I seriously look that bad?" Honestly, that sucks. If some creep out there started poking me about my weight, I'd simply tell them all to just bug off. But this is my mother we're talking about. I can never tell her that.:( I mean, I know that I've always been her fat daughter - unlike my sister. All my life, I'm constantly battling my own insecurities. I've been an emotional eater too and I am so afraid I'm going to start becoming one all over again. You see, sometimes what you did (or perhaps didn't do) in the past can still haunt you. Other people can keep mocking my weight, but it's kind of hard to swallow when even your own mother can't seem to accept you the way you are. Anyway, at least she'd chosen the right keywords this time to persuade me into trying a session. ("Don't you want to be healthier?") She got me at that. But at the waiting hall, she seemed to have forgotten to keep at it, because she said this quite loud: "When you and Dad get in, don't forget to tell the doctor that you need to lose some weight." A few other heads nearby perked up at us. Instantly, I just wanted to disappear. Thank you, Mother.:( She didn't wait for my rather cryptic response. (I guess my own expression had silently said it all.:|) She left to get us some snack. (Ironic, huh?:P) Dad and I exchanged skeptical glances. He shook his head. "I know." I raised an eyebrow. "She can't accept me for me." He nodded with understanding. Well, at least he and I agreed on something that day, which was quite rare. The moment Mom returned with a box of cookies and stuff, she offered me some. LOL!!:P Since she paid for my treatment and the tiny needles felt harmless to me, I decided to go along with it. I mean, eventhough she couldn't be subtle about it, I know she's just being reasonable. As long as I can still do it, why not? Good news of the week: my brother's finally graduated from college!:D And today's Dad's birthday too. The Author

THIS NECESSARY SILENCE
Silence is security. Keep your secrets here with me, permanent or temporary... Silence means invisibility, a wall of illusion to be. Something to break free? Silence is easy. It's obvious to see how it can steal your sanity... Silence is golden, but does it always provide fortune? Perhaps it must be broken. Sometimes, it is necessity. So, ssshhh... The Author

THE BREAK
Thank God for this term break.:) At least I have a week free from work. I went to sleep over at Hani's last weekend. The sun had been scorching for a couple of days, that even two bus rides with their AC on back and forth still couldn't help me to escape the heatstroke. I collapsed in bed for a few hours of sleep as soon as I got home. Feeling sooo dizzy...:( Well, hopefully I'll have enough time to write some more this time. No more slacking around. The Author

WILL (THE REAL) YOU PLEASE STAND UP?
Something else happened while I was away... Tuesday: I was terribly sick, so I went home early, right after my five o'clock class ended. My TOEFL class had finished a week before. Dee's just started hers. After class, Dee walked out of the building after class to find...Gigi's motorcycle still parked there. No Gigi, though. One of the security guards told her that Gigi had gone off with a guy on another motorcycle. Her boyfriend, for sure...:| Wednesday: While I was ill at home, Dee finally got the story from Gigi herself. It turned out that they'd gone watching a movie somewhere that night. (Or so she said.:|) To Dee's surprise, Gigi returned to finally pick her motorcycle up at...midnight. After that, she'd gone home. "Aren't you tired?" Dee asked skeptically. "Uh...actually, yes." Hmm...*raises an eyebrow* Then at night, her boyfriend showed up again. Just like Dee, I've begun wondering: Doesn't he do anything else?? Thursday: I went back to work. I heard the story from both Dee and Pitbull and tried to remain calm. I noticed that Gigi had looked tired, but maybe that was just me. She hardly wears make-up anymore, so she looks rather pale too these days. And she doesn't seem to look as happy and relaxed as she used to. Call me crazy, but there's a trace of tension and exhaustion on her face. After seven, a TOEFL student from my previous class came for a make-up test, so I had to wait around longer. I ordered a take-out from a small dine-in nearby and finished it at my desk. Pitbull and Gigi walked out together to search for their own. I sat down with Sika. I was talking to Sika when suddenly Pitbull rushed back, looking both shocked and freaked out like hell. She gasped in a raspy shrill, "Oh, my God! I can't believe he came back again!" "Who?" asked Sika curiously. I instantly gave Pitbull a stern look that said: Don't. Stop that. "Just some crazy student," I lied quickly. The last thing I want is to have my friend's romantic tale become the office gossip. The couple came. Gigi invited him into our office. He was all smiley to everybody, and I tried not to raise his suspicion by smiling back. It turned out that he was taking her out for a movie again. He even told us that Birthday Girl (since October 12) had to please him for a week. Okay.*rolls eyes* Whatever. "By the way, you're so lucky to have finished work at this hour," I started casually. He said he worked in a travel agency, so I was genuinely curious. "When do you actually finish work?" "Uh, hours ago." Suddenly he looked so uncomfortable. I noticed that he was trying to dodge my unusual question. "It's off season now, so I am practically free." "Really?" Somehow, Pitbull always picked up where I'd left off. She grinned at him. "Don't tell me you practically own the company too." "Nah, I am just a head chief from their administration department." He shrugged. "All I have to do now is write a report every other day and I've already done one today." "Oh." Earlier, he'd told Gigi he was just dealing with the computer-based transactions. (You know, ticket orders and other stuff.) He'd also told me he had to deal with the ABACUS program. "Can't you eat a little faster?" he suddenly barked at Gigi. I had to resist my strong urge to just yell back at him. "We're watching a movie at eight!" Poor girl.:( I could tell that he'd instantly killed her appetite with that. Looking obviously sick, she handed him the rest of her dinner. "You finish that." And he did...shamelessly.*rolls eyes* Pitbull and I just stared in disbelief. To make matters worse, he then walked to Selvi's desk and casually grabbed a tissue from her box, saying, "I need this." And Selvi had long gone home. "I don't know, that's not my desk," I warned him sternly, but it was no use. I couldn't believe my eyes that night. He was acting as if he owned the office too. If he really worked in a travel agency like what he keeps on boasting about, there is this thing called: office manners. And he certainly has none. I even doubt if he knows what it means.*scoffs* "So what are you guys watching?" asked Pitbull casually. Gigi wanted 'White Out', but the dude suggested an animation called 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs' - saying a horror movie might've been too scary for her.*drops jaw* "White Out is not a horror movie," I quickly corrected. "It's a thriller about a detective having to solve a crime in the Antartics for three days before the next snowstorm ruins the entire scene." "That sounds cool." Gigi sounded amazed. "How do you know?" "I read a review," I told her. "Besides, you've always been a horror fan. You love 'Saw'. How come they're too scary for you now?" "I don't know." Now it was her turn to shrug while looking at him. "I just don't like watching those stuff anymore." "You girls want to join us?" he suddenly asked both Pitbull and me. But his eyes somehow stated otherwise. Pitbull and I shook our heads. "I am waiting for a student doing a make up now," I reasoned. "Job comes first." "Good." He gave me a thumb up. I wasn't sure whether he'd really mean it or it actually meant, "Thank you for saying no, so I can be alone with her again." Anyway, they finally said bye and left together - his possessive arm around her shoulder. (She's taller.) Pitbull and I sat together in silence. I sighed. "We've got to tell Dee." "Yeah." She looked sad. "I feel sad, seeing her all changed and repressed that way." "It's not her. It's the alien he created inside her." "Has she ever really been herself in the beginning?" Pitbull suddenly argued. "Don't tell me you don't notice that too." Good question. "What happened earlier?" Here's what she said: Earlier: Gigi and Pitbull ordered dinner outside. Just as they were returning inside, they heard a motorcycle coming. They both turned around to face the biggest shock of the night. "Oh, my God!" Gigi squealed with panic. "He came!" "So?" "We'll be watching a movie at eight and I've just ordered dinner." "Then let him wait for you to finish," Pitbull reasoned, slightly annoyed. "You didn't ask him to come, did you?" No." "Okay." I nodded. "I get it." "If she keeps on acting scared like that as if he's her boss or something, then he'll keep on treating her like a mat." "Yes, she still does." When Dee came back from her class, we told her what had happened. She was deadly furious. "WHAT?! HE'S LYING!" she shrilled. "I was in a travel agency as an accountant myself for years before teaching here. If you're a head chief, you can't possibly be that free. You must do a lot of out-of-town jobs and deal with clients and stuff. Even if it's off-season, you must secure a lot of future deals at work - even at this hour!" "Oh, God." "And if you work in the administration, it's impossible to have that much money to take someone out for a movie like, three nights in a row," she went on, pouting. "I am afraid he might be unemployed, but pretending otherwise." "Sadly, there's nothing we can do," Pitbull reminded. Indeed. Friday: Report card day. Gigi showed up late at work. She was in a rush too, exclaiming with panic, "God, I forgot to take these exam papers to correct at home last night." Of course. She'd been more in a hurry to watch a movie the night before. I went home with Jules after work. Pitbull and Gigi went to POINS Square, and - again - he suddenly called her. "Are you hanging out with someone else again?" he accused her over the phone. Gigi looked alarmed. "No, I'm not," she shot back defensively. "I'm just going out with Fitri, that's all." They argued quite long after that on the phone. Then she started complaining to Pitbull about his overly suspicious and jealous rage. That wasn't something new anymore. "Well, I yelled at my ex when he did that too to me, before my brother finally took charge getting rid of him," Pitbull suggested after that. "You know what to do when he gets too disturbing." "I know, but..." She sighed dramatically. "He cares so much about me." Sure, until he won't even give you space to breathe, Pitbull thought sarcastically. Then, something else really struck me...although not exactly by surprise anymore. Remember that Wednesday night, when he told me he'd just been from Surabaya for the job thingy, but later told his girlfriend it was actually his boss - not him? She said she believed in him more than she did me. She even said that I often misheard everything a lot. It must've been the noise around 'Warung Jajan' that had distracted my focus. Saturday: "Please, don't be sad." Pitbull looked at me sympathetically. "Don't take it too personal. She is just in love right now." "Sure, what else is new?" That doesn't mean I am not disappointed to have heard that. I mean, let's just be logical here. For her sake, I wish I'd heard it wrong. But even if I had, then why had he told me about his boss? How irrelevant that might've sounded, knowing that he still doesn't know me personally now. I've always been quiet most of the time. Why must I start saying something - anything - for real, if it would only do nothing but ruin a friendship? Besides, it's not like I am going to start interfering their relationship for real. Who the hell am I anyway? What for?? I don't even like the guy. Am I going to lose my best friend anytime soon? The Author

A-Z SONGS FOR MY CURRENT MOOD
1."Ashes To Ashes" by.Faith No More 2."Big Empty" by.Stone Temple Pilots 3."Cruel" by.Human Nature 4."Darkness" by.Darren Hayes 5."Ever Again" by.Rob Thomas 6."Falling For You" by.Skin 7."Good Enough" by.Hoobastank 8."Hole-hearted" by.Extreme 9."If Only" by.Hoobastank 10."Just Another Day" by.Basia 11."Kiss The Rain" by.Billie Myers 12."Light On" by.David Cook 13."Missing You" by.John Waite 14."No Ordinary Love" by.Sade 15."Overjoyed" by.Stevie Wonder 16."Praying For Time" by.George Michael 17."Queen of New Orleans" by.Better Than Ezra 18."Real World" by.Matchbox 20 19."Someday" by.Ke 20."Tears and Rain" by.James Blunt 21."Unsung Heroes" by.Tina Arena 22."When I'm Thinking About You" by.The Sundaes 23."You'll Be Safe Here" by.Rivermaya The Author

SLOWING DOWN...
"You look like hell. Go home and get some rest. Don't come back tomorrow just yet - at least for a day." I skipped from work yesterday. A direct order from the principal himself, right after everybody saw just how bad I looked the whole yesterday. I hate fever.:| It just ruins my productivity. Or maybe I am just a crazy workaholic.*shrugs* Yesterday dragged on so slowly. Boring.:P Quite scary too, because I didn't do as much as sleep for long hours. Thank God there were no 'sad' dreams. I must go back to work soon. The Author

HOLE-HEARTED...
Gigi turned 25 yesterday.:D She brought a chocolate cake with red cherries on top to work. Yippee! Happy birthday, Gigi. I also chatted with Nicholas yesterday morning before going to work. He said he was at his friend's place for their usual schedule and wondered if I still remembered. Of course I do. He was genuinely amazed when I mentioned their RPG title. "A-ha, she remembers!" "I don't forget easily." I think I've told him that before, but I just couldn't copy the similar sarcasm now. The "I-can't-just-forget-the-details-about-people-who-mean-that-much-to-me" kind of tone in those four little words. ("Or-who-once-did.") In fact, I am feeling kind of hollow these days. Strange. I don't know why. Numb by exhaustion perhaps? I've been very busy these days. The last time I talked to Tiger too, he also agreed that keeping yourself busy is a very good thing. For me, I guess, it keeps me from my most unproductive/destructive moments. Emotional detachment. Indeed. A good diversion, knowing that every quiet moment with just yourself can completely feel like stepping into the black hole alone. In order to avoid it, you've got to keep filling up that empty space - only so it won't start suffocating you from deep within. Just like before. Staying busy is the only option...for now... "There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you..." ("Hole-hearted" by.Extreme) Lights out at work, so everybody went home early last night. Cancelled classes, delayed final exams. *sighs* The Author

TUNING YOU OUT...:P
Allow me to be cold, for I am tired of being told. You wish to change my ways, but I will do worse for another day; just to annoy you. Why can't I be like everybody else, writing on the same page, and running in the same pace? I am not in a hurry to be on their boat. I am alright, just walking down this road. I know what I want, and I am the only one who knows what to do with my life and what to choose. This is on me - not any of you! So please, stop pestering me. I am tired of your insecurity. I am as independent as I can be, free as you can see; being single and happy. There is no (serious) problem here, just your nonsensical fear. Why do you make it such a big deal, as if you really know how I feel? It is all crystal-clear. I won't settle for less, because I deserve the best. Maybe not today, but we will see. Because only God knows what's best for me! The Author

THE QUIET GIRL ONCE AGAIN
Last Tuesday night... ...was my very first motorcycle accident. No joke. I was on my way home when that happened. There was no 'angkot' (public minivan) around that much anymore, so I had to rely on an 'ojek' (a motorcyclist who'll take you to your destination for some money in return.) As we were approaching an intersection, another motorcyclist sped by from the opposite direction. It was turning right while we were moving forward. I saw its bright headlights before closing my eyes as the 'ojek' biker failed to avoid the collision... Oh, God. Somehow, I managed to hold my ground on one foot, just to delay my fall a few seconds. Neither the biker nor I wore any crash helmets. (Stupid, I know, but most of us are reckless daredevils here they hardly offer me to wear any whenever I use their service.:|) I guess that's why my head was pretty much saved from the possibility of bumping against the concrete, asphalt road. But still, it hurt. People nearby rushed to help us get up, asking panic-stricken questions. Somehow, not a single scratch was on me. Yes, I was that lucky. Last Wednesday... ...she finally came back to work. Almost everyone asked about her condition. She just smiled and said she was fine. I couldn't be convinced, though. She usually wears make-up. However, I noticed that her black eyeliners had gone a little thicker than usual that day. Also, there was something else too, but I still couldn't put my finger on. "Was it a nasty virus?" "Thank God, no." She shook her head. "Maybe it was just my exhaustion." "Was it...your left eye?" "Yes." A moment of hesitation. She looked at me, genuinely surprised. "How do you know?" "Quite visible." Oh, God. What did he do to you? Did he?? Last Wednesday night... ...the three of us decided to have a girls' night out. Gigi, Pitbull, and me.:) We went to 'Warung Jajan' for dinner. Our friend Dorman and his band-mates were there again, performing for the night. When he saw us, he deliberately invited me to sing again.:D Of course I did, especially since there was this really gorgeous guy sitting with his buddy at another table practically next to us!*gasps* Pitbull kept teasing me about him, because she knew he was my type.:P Tall, dark, big-nosed, and with thick, black eyebrows... Hehe.*secretly drools with a big evil grin* He seemed shy too, because - when I sang Kenny Loggins' "For The First Time" - he just smiled a little at me and then talked to his buddy. Definitely, my knees turned weak like jelly...*blushes* Good God. Good thing I didn't stumble on a note nor forget a single line.:P After singing Bryan Adams' "Heaven", I went back to the girls. We were just chatting again when her cellphone started ringing. She quickly answered it and - the next thing we knew - she excused herself to speak to the caller and left our table. "That's got to be him," Pitbull said, discouraged. "I saw her face change like she did the last time we went to that karaoke lounge. She looked tense that night." "Yeah." I had to agree. Somehow, it took quite a long time for our girl to talk to him, so I added, "Let's just hope he won't show up so suddenly like he normally does after work these days, or else it'll definitely ruin our ladies' night." "Indeed." But then we had to stop talking, because she returned. Just after she sat back down with us, suddenly we heard a deep, male voice near us. "Hi." No way. He was standing by our table, smiling at his personal sunshine that night. She smiled back. If he weren't a jealous, control freak - I'd be happy for her like any friend should. "Man, you shocked me!" I finally found my voice again. "You keep showing up so suddenly like a ghost." "Yeah, like a ghost," Pitbull piped in sarcastically. He laughed, obviously unaware of our tone. Then I got a little bit distracted, because suddenly Dorman called me on stage again. I got up to sing Martina McBride's "My Valentine" (only because it's Pitbull's favourite romantic ballad :P) and Phil Collins' "Against All Odds". I noticed him sitting next to her, and that was an obvious sign he'd have stuck around with us for the rest of the night until we went home. Oh, well. I sat next to Pitbull after that, realizing the drastic change of the mood. He ordered some toasts and drink and...smoked.:( He complimented my voice and I politely thanked him. For pure courtesy, both Pitbull and I just kept on pretending that nothing was wrong - for our girl's sake too. She was obviously in a bliss. But under the table, we were secretly stomping on each other's foot as a sign of discomfort. For the rest of the night, I noticed my friend's boyfriend's oddness even more. He said, I should join him and his buddies on a karaoke night next Monday, but changed his mind abruptly when she said she couldn't go. I casually told him that since she's my favourite duet partner, we had to go together. (Honestly, I am also curious. How do they usually interact when they're with his buddies?) Then when Pitbull talked about her loving, protective brother who once chased after her abusive ex across the island, I quickly added, "If I were him, I'd definitely do the same. I totally disrespect men who are violent to women and children!" "Hell, yeah!" Pitbull agreed wholeheartedly. "Then you could be my big brother too," she joked and the girls and I laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell there was a trace of tension in it. His expression darkened too, until Pitbull later called it a 'murderous look'. Oh, yes. We are watching you. Make sure you won't ever do any harmful shit to her.:| The restroom is quite far and isolated, so Pitbull needed some company. I intentionally let Gigi accompany her, because I wanted to know the real him when she wasn't around. Guess what? He just couldn't keep his eyes off the same direction, obviously waiting for her to come back with such impatience he tried to muster as we spoke. "I was actually from Surabaya," he said as he ate his toasts. I went deadly quiet for a second. "For the job?" He works at a travel agency. "Yeah." "Oh." Really? I hope I'd heard it right, because it was pretty noisy around us. I looked at his toasts and went on, "Have you ever tried their grilled bananas? Delicious too." "Nah, I don't really like bananas." "So what do you like?" He looked up at me and said with such contentment: "Gia." Iraised an eyebrow skeptically. Don't we all already know? "Uh, dude...the context is food - not a person." When the girls returned, he looked relaxed again. But not for long, because Dorman came to our table with a friendly smile - as usual. He's not just a lead singer (and sometimes a bass player), but also a host - moving from table to table just to greet the guests - mostly friends - he knows. "Hey, people. What's up?" "We're good." I grinned at him. Her boyfriend quickly introduced himself and explained the whole relationship status with my best friend (which also - in his case - meant, "She's mine so don't even try to get close to her."*rolls eyes*) And then, whenever Dorman tried to talk directly to her, the dude kept answering for her. What was that all about? *deep sigh* My headache came as the night dragged on. Was it pure exhaustion or worry? Or both? I don't know. All I wanted was to lie down in bed, so we finally called it a night. After the couple left with their motorcycles together, Pitbull turned to me and groaned, "Is it always going to be like this? Him shadowing her and our ladies' night all the freaking time?" "Yeah, I know what you mean." Even the nicest boyfriends sometimes need some time with just their buddies and leave their girlfriends alone. I mean, we never interrupt their Saturday night dates. Right?? Last Thursday... ...she was startled when I told her about what he'd said to me the night before. The Surabaya trip. "No way," she denied. "He'd tell me about things like that." "I don't know." I shrugged. "Perhaps he forgot." Somehow, she talked to him on the phone after that. Later, she came back to me and giggled. "You've heard him wrong," she claimed. "He said it was his boss who just got back from Surabaya." "Oh." I fell silent instantly. I glanced at Pitbull, and she gave me the same look in return. Our looks equally agreed on one thing: He's got her under his spell, which is impossible to escape. These days, she believes in what he says other than her own friends - people who really care about her and don't want her to get hurt. Of course, in the context of 'love', that is usually (more) understandable. However, I am not going to lie to you. That is really sad. That hurts. But we all know what happens when our best friend in helplessly in love with someone who doesn't seem to treat them right - and that person keeps on tolerating it - all in the name of love. This isn't something new. However, we know better to keep quiet. For now. Saturday... I had a gym session with her. Good thing she still wants to do it, despite whatever he said about wanting her to stay with her extra pounds - just because he's too afraid and insecure if she loses more weight and more guys will go after her. I mean, isn't that stupid and shallow? I thought most people would be proud to have beautiful partners that could make others envious of their relationship. These days, I just don't get it. The Author

SOMETHING FISHY
Has it all only been nothing but my ridiculous paranoia - or something's really been going on? Gigi suddenly canceled her gym session with me yesterday. Usually, I am not so suspicious because sometimes she gets tired easily when she overworks herself. So she does. But it's okay. But not this time.:| I sense something wrong, and I believe I am not the only one. Both Pitbull and Dee have been noticing it too. They say Gigi seems to get sick a lot lately - more than usual - and somehow, it's starting to have serious effect on her job. Lately, she's been absent quite often and when she's at work - she hardly concentrates. Her mind seems to be someplace else. And not to mention, he calls her a lot during work - which is starting to get really disturbing. It's her boyfriend, isn't it? It's him. Nanang. This is so unlike her and I am not the only one who thinks she has changed drastically ever since she met him. Pitbull said she's been rather odd lately. A couple of nights ago, he came after work again. How do I know? She said she wanted to stay longer because she had to wait for him, so everybody left her alone. I didn't want to, but I knew I had no choice. I didn't want to appear too suspicious and interfering. (Besides, why does he have to do that all the time? She rides a motorcycle and can go home alone like she normally does.) The next day, she didn't just cancel gym, but also didn't come to work - claiming illness over the phone. She said there was something wrong with her eyes. They were red, and she was afraid it might've been some 'nasty virus'. But strangely, she suddenly added that it might've been her exhaustion.(What really happened that night??) We know that she wears contact lenses. She rides a motorcycle and sometimes the pollution can get worse, eventhough she wears a helmet. It is possible. However, my hunch keeps nagging at me that there must be something else. The guy has ugly track records - one about his past abusive relationship where the girl had to report him to the police. I'd like to believe she was okay. I hope the only worst possibility was that he insisted that she go out with him again until late at night as usual - no matter how tired she was. Nothing more. We'll see. That, if she returns to work today. The Author

STAY BUSY
Be careful what you wish for. Do you want to stay busy? Well, you've finally got it.:P One of the teachers at work has finally got pregnant (after she and her husband tried for three years), so she gave one of her classes to me - because she might need more rest. Good. Congrats to her.:) Although CAE has been postponed again up to next month, I don't really mind. I am back to working out again at the gym. Gigi could join me anytime, like we usually did before. It seems things are looking up ahead for me. The funny thing is, Nicholas said the same thing last year. Well, let's hope so. Besides, staying busy can keep me from feeling too much about anything else. The Author

HOW TO SAY GOODBYE
If we are strong - or wish to appear so - we often lightly say: "This is just life." People come and go. Some may stay, but for how long? In the end, we all live and die. We simply meet, greet, and then say goodbye. It's all just an avoidable cycle of events. We have all heard the same, old mushy cliche from time to time. For example: love is the (most) wonderful thing. (Thank you, Mr.Bolton!:P) How? Is it always like that? I may seem rather sarcastic to you when asking all of this. And I (happen to) do that more than once myself - probably all my life. I cannot help but wonder: Why do we often call that certain moment as 'falling in love'? Once I told a good friend - a guy who's been happily married since November last year: "We all need and deserve love, but I don't want to have to fall. Why is that necessary anyway?" "Without that, it's impossible." Sure, I have to agree. That is the only way that works. I am sure we also have heard those who say: "When it comes to love, we must give all we've got." However, we tend to (wish to) forget another critical part that can possibly happen in the end. Perhaps it is so critical sometimes we choose to deny and ignore. We are afraid of its painful consequence(s). Have we ever heard this: "Sometimes, to love means to let go?" Perhaps yes, although it is unpleasant to remember. Usually it happens when we realize our frail hopes crash to pieces against reality. Whether our loved ones pass away, or simply have a change of heart. Or maybe we've been desperately reaching out to something that's never really been there at all. What do we do then? Do we often remind ourselves this? Not many of us would very much like to prepare ourselves for this, I am afraid. We are often more ready to love with all our might. Even if we claim to be ready, we are still unsure whether we are strong enough for it. So many remind us to love completely, but how many who remind us that - sooner or later - we must say goodbye? How strong can we be when it's time? Has it all been worthless, or maybe even more necessary than we'd ever really like to admit - even to ourselves? Do we still want to survive, even after the (most) painful goodbye? We know it is impossible to return to who we were before when those familiar warm feelings still existed because of them, but we still tend to grasp for emptiness in the air - the way our inner child frantically search for an old toy that once gave us warmth and comfort. The scars remain, permanently carved in the bottom of our hearts. Maybe in time, they won't hurt so much anymore, but will they ever completely heal? Even if we try our best not to poke at them, what if they still sting? What do we do next? For those who have these specific scars, have we treated them with specific medications yet? Do they really work or there is something in our own willpower to accept it for our mental health? Is there even really a cure? The cliche will say: "Use your willpower." The stubborn, bitter cynics will reply: "It's easier said than done." The desperate will simply (try to) obey silently, sometimes either for themselves or just to please others who get sick of seeing them wallowing in misery. That is right, some people are impatient enough. Each has a different healing process. It is even fearfully possible that some will never get there, and the harsh, judgemental ones can only think it is silly, only because they have no idea how hard it is. And when we swear that we'll never ever want to deal with love again, do we really mean it - or do we just want the pain to go away? Which ones are we in this kind of situation? What kind do we want to be? "One-sided loyalty only works for dogs," say the bitter cynics. After all, there is no such thing as unconditional love. We all have our own (impossible) expectations among others. That cannot be denied. After all, we are merely mortals - not holy saints nor fairies. Sadly, perhaps I am one of those who are still terrible at dealing with goodbyes. I know how to say it, but can never really do. I can face it, but still silently crumble with the pain. It is unavoidable. I hate it. I hate myself when I (have to) feel it. But I have no choice right now. I may be the one to stay quiet and just shrug it off when somebody tells me goodbye. Or I may say: "Sure you can go. Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'm not going to die because of this, you know?" If only I really meant it. (But I don't want to kill myself, so don't freak out just yet!:P) If only my inside were not silently screaming: "Please, stay. Don't go. I need you here with me." If only... I guess that is why they call me the queen of wishful thinking.:P Still, I can never tell anyone that - no matter how much I love them. Please, stay. That's not me, and I have never been raised that way. Don't go. I have never really done that in my life, so I don't know how to. I need you here with me... Somehow, I hope I will never (have to) learn. But I am still learning how to deal with goodbyes. Solitude never scares me, but I still can't stand the pain...:( The Author

WHAT TO DO WITH THIS WORRY?
If I write something for the advice column, it'll probably go like this: Dear All, Lately, I've been worrying about my best friend. She's been dating this guy for about two months. Somehow, I sense something wrong with him. At first, he seemed nice, which obviously made her happy. Then later, she started complaining about his extreme jealousy towards the other guy she's just friends with. Somehow, his paranoia has made him add all the 'suspicious' guys on her facebook's friends' list, even when it's obvious they're not flirting with her online. Not only that, he's also been rather unhappy with her busy working schedule lately. He wants her to spend more time with him. He insists on going out every weekend with her, even when it's obvious that she's tired and in need of rest and space. He even shows up at work waiting for her unannounced, which makes him even scarier. Once she had enough of his jealousy and tried to break up with him. He ended up getting drunk last fasting month and practically begging her to come back, swearing that he'd change. She gave in. But then, later the girls and I heard that he had a past abusive relationship with his ex until the girl had to call the police and file an A&B charge against him. He'd agreed to sign a restraining order to escape prison. For the first time in my life, I am scared of my friend's boyfriend. The other girls tried to convince her to re-think clearly about this relationship, but she got so sensitive and defensive over him. However, we notice that she's changed. When I show up with her to meet him and he notices me, I catch a glimpse of resentment in his eyes, as if he dislikes me hanging out with her. She hangs out with friends and seems worried that he might find out. When he finds out, he always calls her and she ends up having to talk to him on the phone, bailing her relaxing time with friends. It seems that she doesn't want to upset him by not answering his phone. I hope this is just my silly hunch, but is this a dangerous sign for my best friend's safety? What to do with this worry? I just don't want her to get hurt. The Author

MY ISOLATED CASTLE, MY FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
My isolated castle, my fortress of solitude. Once open for visitors, now temporarily closed. "Why? How come?" wonder a few disappointed souls. "I am sorry," I must tell them, "it just needs major renovation." My isolated castle, my fortress of solitude. Now I must keep it safe for as long as I could. Someday, it will re-open. But when? I don't know. I'm not sure. It's just not today. The Author

QUANTITY VS. QUALITY SLEEP
My sleeping pattern has been a complete mess lately. I must rearrange it well, especially since holiday's over tomorrow. I'm back to work on the 28th. That's a good thing. These days, I still do whatever it takes to keep myself busy. It's the only way I can stay sane. One minute of doing absolutely nothing is more than enough to make me feel either crazy, helpless, or both. Yes, that's right, people. I am fighting off the same, old, all-too familiar pain again. The ghost has returned to start haunting me - just like old times. And as usual, I am doing it alone. I know I have to, anyway. That's okay.*shrugs* Like I've already said earlier, this isn't the first time. Big deal.:P Have you ever heard the difference between quantity sleep versus quality sleep? I believe it's true, although it's not easy to find and gather those who agree with this theory. It's also difficult to have (good) quality sleep, even when it's not so impossible. I mean, I've had my moments. I've got this theory from Mom. You see, normally we believe that we need just about eight hours of (undisturbed) sleep to be healthy. However, that's not always the case. What if you're still tired after that, or your sleep is restless? It's different with the real (good) quality sleep. How? It's like when you don't plan to sleep at all. You just fall asleep because you're completely tired - both your brain and body can't handle it anymore. Dead beat. But when you enter the realm of unconsciousness, you just feel relaxed - completely at peace. You feel like you have a good five or six hour-sleep, but when you wake up - you realize it's only ten or fifteen minutes. And somehow, you still feel refreshed.:) Yes, it can be that amazing. No kidding. Like I've said earlier, I have my moments. And I'd like to have those moments again. It's like, you realize you need your decent sleep when you're tired - like most normal people do. However, sometimes you fear sleep these days, which is ironic. You're afraid of those dreams that may haunt you and make you wake up crying and hyperventilating. You hate it, because you realize it's not the nightmares that cause that. It's the good, beautiful dreams.:( I mean, they're supposed to make you feel relaxed and at peace in your sleep - not the other way around. It's like, they're mocking you, reminding you that they refuse to really exist when you wake up. It's like, making you feel that you're asking too much for their true existence in your real life. And you find yourself hating that for wanting them so bad. Have you gone completely mad? You wish you could just get rid of it easily or disconnect the pain within (a.k.a. stay numb), but you know what they say. It takes time, and the process can be as painful as a bitch from hell. However, you don't have a choice to avoid that right now. You must go through it all over again, like it or not. And just because you're already too familiar with this doesn't make it even easier. Sometimes, you believe more caffeine can keep you from falling asleep into those dreadfully beautiful dreams all over again. No, and it doesn't cure your pain easily the way you want it to. You only get yourself more addicted to it. It's obviously not good for your health. You could go back smoking, but the last one just gave you serious laringitis.:( Thankfully, you still have your common sense given by God. No more stupid things, you've promised yourself that. Besides, it's a slow suicide too.:P However, here's the strange part. By the time you're way too tired to stay awake, you become insomniac. Ha-ha.:P Maybe you've already gone mad.*rolls eyes* Sometimes, seeing Ganesh asleep can help too. Babies always look their best when they're asleep. Completely peaceful. Sometimes I could fall asleep too watching him sleep. Strange but true. That's happened twice before. I had no dreams in my sleep and it was just perfect.:) Last night, I dreamed of sitting on an island. Then sun was shining, the sky was bright blue - typical like the ones you see in a child's drawing. I was sitting on the beach, staring at the sea. The only problem was, I could barely recognize my own expression. It was blurred. I couldn't tell whether I was happy or sad, or maybe something else I couldn't identify. I only noticed I was all alone there. Nobody was around. The Author

MY OWN TWISTED VERSION OF 'ORDER AND CHAOS'
"If solitude's an order, then love must be the chaos." Greetings, people. The old (love) cynic has returned to reclaim her empty space here.:P She's landed safely and is now checking in. A permission to report...to no one in particular. Ha-ha.*big evil grin* It's a good thing that October is coming soon."D Why? First, it has the perfect weather for my mood these days. Grey sky that offers more rain. (Well, hopefully.) Long-sleeves and darker outfits. Just perfect. And most importantly, Halloween. Don't get me wrong. I don't celebrate it, just like I don't celebrate Bloody Valentine.:P It's usually the time when most TV stations here usually play more horror movies. A horror-movie marathon. YIPPEE!!:D It's my perfect time to avoid all those cheesy, vomit-inducing and cliche romantic chick-flicks.*rolls eyes* I mean, seriously. Ha-ha. I'd rather see ghosts, monsters, blood, and some tough-looking chick fighting for her life with all her might. That's much, much more fun to see. Oh, God. Now I'm sounding really mean-spirited and sarcastic here.:| *deep sigh* Oh, well. Whatever. It's the old me anyway. She's back now and I'm embracing her with my welcome-home hug, like a long-lost bodyguard. My own version of 'frenemy'.:P Just for now, I need her here to keep me strong. Some people may dislike what I'm doing to myself now, and I don't blame them. I just hope they can understand me and not feel too bad about this.*shrugs* Someday soon, I'll be okay. Sorry, just not today. She visited me home last Thursday. I invited her over myself. My reason is very simple: I miss her. I miss the old me with her - long before love came like a chaotic buzz to our friendship. As much as some things still hurt like hell, I stick to my principles. I must remain true to what I believe in. Feelings can't be compelled. But at times like this, sometimes one must hang on to their pride when all else seems to fail. These days, it's the only way to stand tall and not fall apart. There's always another time to rebuild your little sand castle or a house of cards. We talked long like good, old times. We traded books to borrow too, the way we used to. Her Dee's "Perahu Kertas" (A Paper Boat) for my Thomas H. Cook's "Red Leaves". She got to meet my family - even Baby Ganesh. Dad couldn't stop crying for minutes while holding her hand, and I had to look away for a moment. I'd wanted to tell him: It's okay, Daddy. I'm not mad at her anymore. I also have no more feelings left for him or any other guy in the world right now. It's much safer for me that way. She spent all day at home with me. I even bought us ice cream. Mom bought her gado-gado for lunch because we know she's a vegetarian. She said he sent his condolence about Grandpa, and I told her I'd read his message earlier in the morning. Of course, I'd introduced him to Grandpa too last year. I mostly let her talk about their blossoming relationship. Good. At least he still keeps his promise about treating her right. That's all that matters now. But still, she could tell that I was in seriously emotional torture. Honestly, 2009 hasn't been my favourite year - except Java Rockingland and my thankfully rising career. There were things I told her about him last year that I'd never ever want to let him know. (I hope she won't either.) He doesn't need to feel bad about what's already been done, but I could tell she understood me best. I even gave her a beautiful ballad by local musician Sherina called "Pelangi Di Tengah Bintang" (A Rainbow Among The Stars). Last year, I'd played that heart-wrenching song for months after he'd left - over and over again until I drove people at home crazy. It was just a tiny piece of me I'd like to share them - nothing bad intended. Now I need some time to restore the order. Enough with chaos. The Author

GOING WHERE THE WIND BLOWS
I think I kind of twisted my left arm the wrong way while rinsing so many clothes yesterday afternoon. It still hurts, but somehow - I don't mind the pain. It's still manageable. Gigi once said that - unlike her - I'm more physically fit and strong. I don't get sick easily like her, and I can still show up at work with a climbing fever and still function pretty well. (Not good, I know, but here - most of my people don't take flu seriously until somebody dies from it. H1N1? Yes, that's what I'm talking about.) Mom suggested that I get a haircut. Good idea. She said I always looked old, serious and sad with longer hair. I look much better with shorter hair, despite my boyish-looking face.:P When she said that, I knew she wasn't just talking about my hair. It's hard to conceal things from her these days, especially when you're this mentally exhausted. (And even when you claim to be emotionally numb, the strain in your expression is palpable - and you hate it.) But don't get me wrong, we're hardly like the kind of mother-daughter when you can cry on your mother's lap when somebody breaks your heart. It's her and my sister, not me. I've always been more like her strange, tortured artist she's been trying to understand the best way she knows how. I'm more like my brother. It's always been that way. Tiger's finally found someone else, which has been expected. Somehow, I'm not that surprised anymore. Having known him for five years and more, I can truly understand him. I know that's what he really needs.:) It's okay. Then what about me? Well, I'm still alive, am I not? After all, I'm also still his best friend. All I know is that I don't want him to worry about me anymore. He has every right in this world to be happy. I'll be fine. Don't worry. The Author

GRANDPA (1928 - 2009)
In the real world, the magic of our childhood disappears quickly. Right before our very eyes, too soon to realize. In the end, all heroes must die or fade away - and fairies are only mythical lies. Grandpa existed as one of my magical elements in my childhood. Or maybe I've always been overly imaginative and not connecting to reality. Countless trips to our favourite restaurants and baker's shops with Grandma - sometimes also with the siblings and other cousins. Eating chocolate ice cream in the hot sunny days after school, while Mom and Dad were still busy at work. Grandpa and Grandma, once a perfect item of spoilers for their rowdy grandchildren. Through my childlike eyes, at least, they seemed to have come out alive from a children's storybook page. Their old house in Panglima Polim - a two-story building - was once a sanctuary for the kids after school and also a source of our silly, make-believe adventure on weekends.:) If Grandma hadn't looked for us, we'd have safely risked our little necks sitting on the roof of the house - staring at the sky. I'd always wanted to join the boys there before she'd yell at us to come down right away. Those were the good, old days. Those were the times when I didn't have to worry about growing up too soon, falling in love with the wrong boys who'd end up breaking my hearts all over again - for too many times. I just had to worry about school, enjoy my English class and Grandma's delicious fried rice with extra cheese. Or talk about movies and shows on TV with Grandpa, who was so fascinated at how much I loved horror stories. He'd said I was brave. (I don't know now.) Or smile at his support with my writing hobby and singing talent when most people thought I was merely a daydreamer. Then years went by so fast; all kids turned into anxious, mostly self-absorbed teenagers with tons of schoolwork, more friends to hang out with, and stupid puppy love to laugh about in their next adult years. That was okay, we'd thought, we could still see Grandpa and Grandma on weekends. Then college years came and we drifted even more apart. Even good, simple things had to end somehow. Sad but true. 'That's just life' has always been our most favourite excuse to let chances roll by, accidentally or else. Then Grandma had to battle the breast cancer. She passed away sometime after my college graduation, leaving Grandpa in complete distress. (How does it feel to have to lose a soulmate that way? Can you still breathe freely for another day?) It took some more time to make him smile again, but maybe some old wounds could never be completely healed. Then his health started to deteriorate, and more trips to the hospitals were made. We all knew that all he'd ever wanted was to have a complete family gathering all over again, just like the old days when we still had (enough/available???) time. How does it feel to know how easily replaceable we are, even when the people we love have promised us that they'll always be there? The last time Grandpa was in a coma, Mom asked me to whisper in his ear: "It's okay, Grandpa. You can go. Please forgive our mistakes." But most importantly, we love you and will always miss you... In Memoriam Commissioner Soelaeman Soekardi August 8,1928 - September 21, 2009 The Author

"SOMEDAY" BY. KE (1995)
(I can't write no shit today, so this lyric represents myself right now - as sappy as can be...) Someday I hope and I pray that this wall of illusion will all fall one-day, someday Someday I know I'll make it happen, someday I try, yes I am trying but I'm more afraid of living than I ever was of dying Am I what I am I am I am lonely I am lost searching for a reason no matter what it costs I need to believe is this all there is to me *chorus* Someday x7 Bloody wounds make old scars no-one said it would be easy, does it have to be so hard Someday, someday, someday something good is gonna happen, someday I try, yes I am trying but I'm more afraid of giving than I ever was of loving Am I what I am I am I am lonely I am lost searching for a reason no matter what it costs I need to believe is this all there is to me no more reason to be shy no more pain to hold inside no more fear, no more blame no more need to compromise Another time, another place tired of this middle-ground and so ashamed to show my face Someday, someday Someday I know I'll make it happen, someday I try, yes I am trying I am so so sick of hurting and I've had enough of crying Am I what I am I am I am lonely I am lost searching for a reason no matter what it costs Someday x7 Someday I know I'll make it happen Someday I know Someday (to fade)

PLAYING TOUGH
Real fear of self-absorbing. Disastrous result in letting it win; only weakness and self-pity. Push yourself for a perfect distraction. Find others with bigger, more serious problems; before playing the hero. No perfect results but at least you've put your best effort. Soon your own little problems will come into the land of insignificance. The Author

A SPECIAL GREETING FOR THE (MOST) FORGIVING SOUL I KNOW
Good morning for me. Good evening for you. Six hours away won't make a difference. Soon you'll have this new day too. How are you? I'm fine too, even with just a little flu. But you know me. I always pull through. It's been quite some time, since the last we talked. How's life treating you there? I hope it's alright. I'm missing you, but I'll be fine. I've been thinking a lot lately, about what you said to me. You've always been my best reminder about how forgiveness is the key to cure the most treacherous agony. But I hope you also remember how much you've affected me and still. You keep saying I deserve better, 'though I still can't find another as good as you've always been to me. Still, I hope you can always forgive me for I've never been a flawless fairy. Just an ordinary friend, you see. However, I'm never sorry nor will be. Knowing you has been the best thing for me. Happy Eid. (Jakarta,8:40 am, from room 4309) The Author

OVERLOOKED...
I haven't really written here in quite a long time. I've been awfully busy and quite exhausted too.:| I fear that work's finally taken its toll on me. That's why I'm glad for this Ied Holiday week. No, not just glad. Glad and relieved too, to be exact. I need a break. Recently, I've been watching the re-run first season of "Criminal Minds". I always have an interest in Criminology, although I've never taken it in college. Nezzie's graduated with that, yet she ended up being an English teacher for quite some time before moving to her job now. I used to ask her a lot about the field, when we still had more time to meet and even hang out. We both like CSIs - and she sometimes watches "Criminal Minds" too. Grandpa's a retired police officer. He gave me "Modern Criminal Investigations" to read. Then, there's Dee. She also has the same interest. But what I'd like to talk about now is what one of the characters in "Criminal Minds" said to another. Special B.A.U Agent Jason Gideon (Mandy Patinkin) said this to Dr.Spencer Reid (Matthew Gray-Gubler): "Not knowing to describe how you feel is different than not feeling anything at all." And somehow, it just dawned on me. Honestly, I don't know about how I really feel these days. If we can't name a feeling, can we still call it a feeling at all? Maybe it's just my strange, defense mechanism again. I don't know why. I keep trying to fill the gaping hole inside of me with what I do everyday, yet it remains empty. It's still a void, which is scary.:| These days, I still avoid romantic flicks, because they somehow depress me.:( They represent my self-mockery, something I don't get very easily. No, it's not that I'm totally against that. I just can't deal with them right now. Call me a loser, and I'm afraid you'll be wasting your breath because I don't care. There's more to love than meets the eye. It's not just a picture-perfect romantic nonsense. I mean, how seriously ready are you if everything collapses on you? How strong will you ever be, when it's just time to really let them go - more than once, over and over again, knowing that nobody can always stay just for you, at least for once in your life - or even the rest of your mortal life? Are you going to wish for another to stick around, even when your most glamorous party's completely over - and your so-called friends just go home, leaving you alone with the after-clutter behind? Looks like I'm forced to do it all over again. Big deal. It's not the first time. I was fine being alone before, so I should be too now. I'm done being overlooked - no matter how much I've done my best. This time, I won't ask for too much from anyone anymore. The Author

Day and night. Darkness and light. Shadows and figures in opposite sides forever in a constant fight. In the dark, we hide. The light helps us see alright. With all our might, we must stick to a (better?) side. But what if it no longer provides the essence of truth we seek to find? What if it's difficult to push aside the hazy clouds and fog inside our minds? In the dark, we can always hide the things we'll never show in the daylight. The Author

TIPS FROM THE SCREENING ROOM
“TIPS FROM THE SCREENING ROOM” By. RUBY ASTARI Your students love movies? They always beg for one each term? After all, who doesn’t love movies? However, as teachers, there are ways to make this activity as more than just ‘a short break from studying’ or ‘a movie trip’. To help students to improve their English comprehension skills, we can do: 1.Movie Review Composition: The Summary Most commonly used, students write a short summary after watching the movie. The teachers can also deactivate the subtitles, so the students can practice more with their listening skill. 2.Guess The Ending “Let the students watch a movie for one hour,” suggests Via, a fulltime ILP Ciputat teacher. “After that, they must work in groups of four to discuss and guess the ending of the movie before a short presentation and the real ending gets shown. From there, the students can decide which groups has the best ending – or even the closest guess to the real ending.” 3.Promote The Movie “For advance levels, we can do something more fun and challenging,” says Gia, also a fulltime ILP Ciputat teacher. “After watching a movie, they’ll work in groups of four. They will discuss on how to promote the movie to their fellow classmates – or even to other classes. The idea is how to practice their PR skills, in order to convince more people to watch the same movie they have.” 4.Roleplaying After watching the movie, the students will work in groups of four or five. They re-stage one of the scenes from the movie for a theatrical performance. They can re-write the script. One will be the director and the rest can be the casts. 5.Practicing Conditionals (Imaginative Composition) When watching the movie, each student chooses one of the characters to be their favourites. Then they can either write or discuss their personal opinion about their chosen character. They must also use their imagination: Do they agree or disagree with what their characters are doing in the movie? Why? What if they were in the same position? Would they make the same decisions or come up with the new ones they thought better? The Author

A BIT MESSED UP
Not much to do last weekend. Planned to work for my usual, boring Saturday morning class - but then I had to cancel it due to dead electricity there. I've suggested my students to come again on October 3, when I suddenly remembered something else: The Central Office has asked me to attend their half a day seminar as a speaker on the same day. *huffs* I think I must re-arrange my busy schedule these days. It's been pretty messed up too, due to my lack of time management.*blushes* I should do something better for this. Well, at least Eid holiday is coming soon.:) I know I still have lots to do at home here, so there aren't enough leisure times for me. Anyway, I'll find a way. I always do. We know that human beings can never really feel fully satisfied. Sadly, that's just our nature - although that doesn't mean it's okay to complain all the time. But hey, we can always find ways to deal with that, right? It's not that difficult to just sit back, relax, and be grateful for once in a while. Oh, yeah. It's much easier said than done. It's like, when you have so much to do - you start thinking about how little the time you have to just finish them all. Vice versa. Having too much time on your hands can also drive you crazy sometimes. My dear Tiger, I am always thinking of you. I am constantly praying for you too.;) For now, I'll just try my best not to fall asleep during weekends all day.:| Enough with these unproductive days... The Author

TOUGH LOVE???
Alright, so I'm writing this while I have the chance - and my memory is still fresh. Last night, I went to KFC with Gigi to meet Ferra and Mpeet. It turned out that they tagged Ipiet along with them. It's been a while since the last time I met them - and had a girls' night out.:D I realized that I needed that. Everybody needs balance, just to stay sane. And I really did have fun with them.:) We had dinner, chatted, and even took pictures of each other and together with our cellphone cameras. (Ferra brought her own digital Nikon.) I haven't seen the girls in a long time, except online. Somehow, my eyes suddenly strayed to the indoor part of the restaurant's second floor. I saw an attractive young father with a boy about six or seven, sitting face to face. Through the glass partition, I noticed they weren't ordering anything. They were talking, or - at least to me - the father was telling the boy something, because I could only see the boy's back from where I was sitting. Outside was crowded, so I couldn't make out their conversation. However, both his expression and body language said it all. He was enraged. After that, he did something horrible - to my horror and fury. He lifted his hand to slap the boy's face. Hard. My blood ran cold. I sat rigidly, my eyes fixated on them. The man did it again. And again. And again. All the while, the boy remained seated and helpless. I saw him wipe his eyes, so I could tell the boy was crying. But the man just kept yelling and slapping him... Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. STOP!!! Isn't it ironic? In a public place full of people, stuff like this tends to get unnoticed - or sadly ignored. It's none of our business, we might say. Or worse, some of us might say that the man was just teaching the boy to be a (tough) man.*rolls eyes* No, he wasn't.:( He was teaching the boy to be the next abuser in line, joining the already flawless and biased society. Then suddenly, the man looked up and found me glaring hard at him from across the room. I let our eyes lock for a moment before looking away, making sure my message got crossed. I had to do that, or else I might've done something worse if I'd kept staring at him. Inside, I felt like crying. Please, Mister. Whatever he's done, don't make me come up to you and beat the hell out of you right in front him. Stop hurting that boy! No, I never fear any gutless, spineless cowards who believe that hitting women and children gives them a sense of power and control. BULLSHIT!!! "Asshole." "What's wrong?" Gigi suddenly asked me as she noticed my stern expression. I didn't even realized I'd muttered the word out loud. "He hit the boy," I drawled through my gritted teeth. When I explained more, the girls' attention turned to the man in unison. I looked down and drew in a sharp breath, trying to put out the fire inside and regain my lost composure. No such luck. "Oh, God," Mpeet exclaimed. "Yeah." I sighed. "Is he still hitting the boy?" "No," said Ferra. "But he's still mad at the boy." Of course, because we were watching him now. And he'd seen the fiery accusation in my eyes that simply stated: You are a monster. I never respect adults who do such things to children. Okay, so I care that much. So What? However, it wasn't just enough. In the end, I was just the silent witness among this carefree, ignorant society. And sadly, I am just as guilty.:( The Author

THE WHITE-COATED MAN AND THE RETURN OF THE OLD CYNIC
To make the long story short, the man in the white coat - a.k.a. The Doc - told me this: "It's just an internal infection, but nothing too serious. Could be allergic to certain soap or a razor cut."*blushes* In the end, he just prescribed me some antibiotics for the stupid lump. He advised me to return after three days of no change. Hmm, that's a relief.:P At least for now. Anyway, I really hope that'll be just it. No more after that. Why? I don't want to be anybody's burden. (My silly thought, Mom often says, just like Dad's.) I also don't want to ruin my future plans, to be exact. I still want to do a lot of things I haven't done or had a chance to do yet. Speaking of that, I've just accepted another good offer. A friend of my parents said one of his kids owned a chain of translating business and I could join if I wanted to. Regarding these days, why the hell not? I must keep myself busy. For now, work is the best thing in my life. It gives you money. It doesn't give you heartache. Pardon my cynicism, but I guess my isolated castle has turned into a sanctuary fortress too - just to keep me safe until I'm strong enough and God proves me wrong once again. The Author

AND THE EARTH SHOOK...
Last Wednesday, there was a 7.3 Richter scale earthquake here around three pm. The worst hit Tasikmalaya, but we still felt it too. I was in the office with everybody else when Jules suddenly moaned: "No, not my vertigo again!" "Wait, I feel dizzy too!" Fitri 'Pitbull' Gustav (don't ask about her odd nickname *big evil grin*) suddenly exclaimed. At first, I'd thought it was the normal effect from fasting. Then we felt the floor shaking like a disco. "It's an earthquake!" somebody realized and called out. "Get out of here!" It didn't take long for all of us to rush for the exit door. But somehow, I'd managed to turn back for my bag and cellphone before speeding outside the old building. Quite reckless, I know. Outside, the ground was still shaking pretty hard. Dizzy, dizzy. Not long after that, the shaking finally stopped. Cautiously, we re-entered the building. Ochi the receptionist found the news channel for a flash about the earthquake. I texted Mom's cellphone immediately, asking about it. I noticed the people too started either calling or texting anyone they know, asking how they were doing after the earthquake. An automatic response?? "Yeah, it was pretty shaky. I was on 2nd floor with Grandpa @ hospital." That was from Mom. So anyway, the classes still went on after that. Some of the younger students were still afraid it would've happened again, so I just assured them it was going to be just fine. Well, even if it had happened again, all we'd have had to do was just rush out of the building A.S.A.P. And they had done a good job on it. No panicking involved. --- // --- On Thursday, my head felt like exploding.:( Maybe I've been working myself a bit too hard lately. The good thing is, they postpone CAE up to next month. All I ever wanted to do was just lie down and close my eyes. My bed had been tempting me, but I knew better.:P --- // --- On Friday, the headache was gone. Thank God!:D However, another problem occured: The stupid lump on my left side just came back...bigger.:| Not a good sign. I must have it checked immediately by the doctor, because both Menti and Mom told me it had happened to Grandma too before they discovered the cancer. *gulps* --- // --- Unfortunately, no doctors were open on Saturday, so I'm afraid I'll have to wait until next Monday at nine in the morning.:( To be honest, I am worried. The Author

RANDOM STRANGERS: SECRET ADMIRERS/STALKERS?!
It all started out as a simple conversation. I told my friends about a random phone call from some guy last Saturday, while I was hanging out with Gigi. He claimed to be one of the marketing staff of some famous local gym. He offered me a promotional one-day free trial. He even bluntly asked me about - grrh! - my height and my weight. Having learned from Mom about how to deal with these people, I came up with a polite rejection to his offer and a simple thank-you. I've already been a member of another gym in Bintaro, and no, I'm not thinking about switching it with another. However, I'd also have liked to let him know - explicitly - that it made me feel uncomfortable having strangers know my number. He stumbled a bit upon explaining that someone from his central office had somehow recommended me, but he didn't give me any names. In the end, I figured he could simply notice a sense of finality in my voice, so he just gave me a quick thank-you for my time and hung up. Since having been stalked for about three or four times before, I've been more careful with giving my number away. (So, how the hell did the guy get it?!) Call me paranoid, but I'm sure most of us agree that experience is the best teacher. Some of them wanted to know about my last stalker story, so I told them what had happened to me a year before. I'd been typing my job resume in a cybercafe - where the booths weren't too secure. And the stalker had walked behind me and spotted my number on the PC screen. You could guess what happened next. He started texting me, saying he'd genuinely wanted to get to know me. Knowing my last scary experience with stalkers in college, I relied on my instinct and asked him where he'd gotten my number. When he told me the truth, no more replies from me. However, he just wouldn't quit that easily - for six months. Texts after texts, annoyingly begging for my attention and trying to make me feel guilty by calling me a snob, a stuck-up bitch, and an arrogant. Missed calls during wee hours. It turned out that he didn't just spot my number that day, because he said he'd seriously thought about visiting my house. During that moment, I only told a few people I trusted. Tiger, Hani, and Nicholas. My parents had been busy preparing for my sister's wedding, and I didn't dare scare them, although Nicholas had suggested that I let them know. Hani had gone through so much as conducting all her friends to harass the stalker back. Tiger suggested changing my number, but I refused to let that sick bastard win by doing so. I even posted his number on my blog, allowing all readers to bug him as much as they pleased. And I still remember Mom's feeble reaction when the same thing had happened to me in college. She'd thought it was just my secret admirer, so she didn't take it seriously. After six months, the stalking miraculously stopped. It took me another three to have finally banished my paranoia, but maybe the ghost still lingers on. Sometimes at night, I still look around when I'm on the road alone. What bugged me a little was some of their feeble reactions, just like Mom's. "Maybe it was just a secret admirer," Bobby had said rather skeptically. "It's a good thing that at least someone liked you that much." "Maybe he really did mean well," said Leese. "You were the one being so quick and harsh." Uh, does a person really mean well - if they text nasty words to another random stranger, or invite them over for a sex phone? Do they really mean well if you answer their phone, only to hear a breather with their disgusting sigh? I'll be damned if those psychopaths are considered as sweet, romantic Romeos too. Ugh. *rolls eyes* And for the record, if a guy calls a girl three or more times a day for a long, mundane conversation - then he might really need to get a life. (Unless, if it's a long-distant relationship, which is more unlikely and very costly.:P) Thankfully, Dee stepped in to defend me. "No, she's right, Leese," she said. "If I were her, I'd feel and do the same. Ethically, he had no rights to snoop in for her number and then did that to her. It's sad that our society has always put women in a frail position. It's like, we must always be nice to people no matter what, or they'll call us bitches." Indeed.:| And no laws against stalkers too, unless they physically hurt their targets. (Seriously, do we have to always wait until somebody gets either raped or killed??:|) And just because you're a single woman doesn't mean you have to be desperate for a boyfriend and simply accept the stalker's 'friendly' invitation. I mean, come on. That idea just sounds too creepy for me. It may sound romantic to you to have a secret admirer at first. But please, I don't need a Phantom of The Opera. A normal, regular guy is enough. "You had the right to say no and just ignore him," Nicholas had said the same thing last year. "You don't even need a reason." Once again, indeed. I watched an episode of "CSI:NY" last night about a stalker and his two female victims. Restraining orders didn't work for him, and one woman ended up going insane and killing herself. The other plotted to kill him, because he just wouldn't stop harassing her. *shudders* Okay, enough about stalkers now. No more.:( The Author

THE WEEKEND
I've got more classes at work. (Thank God.:D) I've also just finished reading Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" and "New Moon". I've just started on "Eclipse". I bought that last Saturday at a discount store with Gigi at POINS Square, Lebak Bulus. How's the story so far? Okay. Pretty good, I guess.:P I'm more than aware that I'm no longer a teenager anymore.*big evil grin* I still love horror stories, but Meyer's stuff are a bit too soft for my taste. Pardon my skepticism, though. Perhaps its romantic elements kind of...depress me.:| Somehow, I feel like I've gone back to who I was once before. The obnoxious tomboy. The love cynic. The sarcastic Ms.Independent, believing nobody will always be there for you. It's like I'm in the same old, sick, cycle carousel all over again. Welcome home. After what happened, I'm not sure this old scary ghost will be banished easily. I'm not sure the fairy in me can live again, rising from the dead. Maybe it's just me, but I know this much is true... Well, I could somehow picture myself as the female version of...Jacob Black.:P I can be your sweet, funny, loyal best friend - but I also (still) have trouble controlling my temper. Forgetting the past easily is also my difficulty. Anyway, I got to chat with him online again on Saturday morning - after quite some time. The last I heard from her, he'd traveled to Ecuador for about ten days and couldn't go online that much. "Have you talked to her yet? She's been missing you." Those were my very first few words I typed, and his reply was only: "Hi." (???) Then we chatted for some time, exchanging bits and pieces about each other. "Are you okay? You don't sound good." I'm afraid you'll abandon her too, man. I hope not. "Nah, just feeling sleepy here. It's still 5:15." It was half the truth. Somehow, besides Tiger, he can also detect my real emotions through my writing. I used to feel safe with that fact, but now - I don't like it that much. It sounded like de ja vu. Years ago, I'd asked almost a similar question to a girl about my other best friend: "Have you talked to him recently? He's been missing you a lot lately." And then, when I told him about what I'd said to her, his response was beyond belief. "Wow. I didn't know you cared so much about me." Should it still be a surprise, knowing that I still care - even after all this time? I mean, I just don't know how to be a completely cold, ignorant bitch. I admit that I was hurt. Stupid Cupid and I hardly get along in this department. However, I still don't want him to end up growing cold and distant on her too - and then disappear without any explanation. Last year was enough for me. Anyway, last Saturday was fun.:D I went to the animal shelter in Ragunan with Gigi, feeding the cute cats and dogs there. Viona had to cancel coming with us, because her boyfriend John suddenly was ill and had to be admitted at the hospital.:| That poor guy. Honestly, I'd like to go back there again. I love cats and dogs despite my allergy. Soon, I hope. The Author

INSOMNIA
A black hole was visible. Darkness swallowed me whole. I've longed to succumb deep into nothingness, at least for a moment. Yet my soul was restless a suffocated butterfly against the glass window. A lazy cat blinded by the sunlight. Last night, a black hole was visible. Darkness swallowed me whole. It was supposed to help me sleep, but not with one eye open. The Author

My story...
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2009/08/23/snapshot039.html

THE LAST ENTRY...FOR NOW...
I'm writing this while I still have the chance. I've been wanting to do this since my last posted entry. How time flies before our eyes. We keep on running, yet we still get left behind. So many things to do, yet so little time. How bloody cliche is that? It's like, our 'first things first' policy isn't enough. And we still silently wonder why... Maybe it's just me again. I think too much. I feel too much. I care too much. That's what most of them keep saying about me. Honestly, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to be ignorant. They say ignorance is bliss. I've tried staying numb, but the process is never that long. It's always temporary. Where am I right now? It's a funny question, actually, knowing that your feet still touch the ground - yet you're still wondering where you really stand. Speaking of that, I wonder just how many people can still stand this crazy, twisted side of me. (But meanwhile, I forever thank a few who has. Hopefully they always will.) Restoring order after chaos isn't easy. We all know it takes time. However, oftentimes the impatient forces to speed up the process - which makes it more painful somehow. If it's not done carefully, it may lead to something as seriously similar as to drug-overdose. It's like, what's supposed to help you ends up making you worse than before. Scary, huh? Right, you don't know what I'm talking about here.:P I'm rambling on again, as usual. A lot has happened lately. I'm not sure I can recap the whole thing here. All I know is that, reality has no space for my grief. It looks like the universe is getting more and more overcrowded with toxic vibes. There are bigger problems out there that will always put your own to shame. How do you deal with that? Can you still manage to act like nothing's going wrong? Oftentimes I wonder: Is this how adult life really is? When you have to appear strong all the time, while you're actually still weak and vulnerable on the inside? Dad's impatient with his healing process. He cries a lot lately. Do you have any idea just how much it takes for me not to end up crying too? It breaks my heart.:( And Grandpa's in a critical condition again at the hospital. One of his lungs has somehow malfunctioned. I've been quiet around people lately, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it. That doesn't mean I don't care. That's just my tough exterior. Don't be fooled. It's much easier to get lost in work. You can escape from your real problems. Although sometimes it kind of wears you out too when you're not in a 100% fit condition. Like the time I was seriously battling the fever, when the principal simply asked me to cover the 7:00 pm class. Either he didn't notice my runny nose (yuck!xP), or he just thought I was Supergirl or something. About a few days ago or so, Mom talked about getting me to see an acupuncturist on Tuesday morning, just to get me - grrh! - slimmer. She knows I'm still very, very sensitive about my weight and all things related - yet she still brought it up. "Do I look that bad?" She gave me the look. "You could look better, you know? Just so your clothes won't look too...suffocating." Oh, thank you very much. Just what I need. Even my own mother thinks that way too about my appearance.*rolls eyes* Haven't she forgotten all about my skepticism? All those years of battling with my obesity/CED (Compulsive Eating Disorder), stupid diet pills and herbal tea... I know that I'm short on cash this month because of the previous rock concert. But starting next month, I'll get back at the gym on weekends. It's already fasting month now and I'm only available to work out at five pm. I'm not risking my fasting by exhausting myself before it's time.:P And I'll drag Gigi along again.:) She said she needed that too. Perhaps Nezzie too, since I miss her a lot. I've also kind of asked my brother whether I could join his squash team some other time, and he said sure.:D More (healthy) activity is the key. I know that I eat normally now. But still, I'll let her do that. I know she only meant well, although it sort of sucked hearing that from her... Speaking of health, I've been having this strange lump on the left side of my body for a week. Just four days ago, it was sort of...leaking out white liquid.:( It's not just gross, but scary too. I've already applied some medicine on and put a band-aid on it. I hope it's just some hormonal 'imbalance', but if it doesn't disappear after a week - I'll have to see a doctor.:( *deep sigh* I hope it's nothing too serious. When I was in fifth grade, I once had a lump on the right side of my neck. It turned out to be just an extra fat - caused by hormonal imbalance - and had to be surgically removed. (So now there's a permanent scar.) And there's a cancer history in my family too. From both sides. This will be the last entry...for now. One thing I'd very much like to do to Tiger - if only I could - is: I'd show up by his door, with a box of Belgian chocolate - just to cheer him up and make him smile.;) I am worried about him lately, because he's in some sort of trouble again.:( It sucks that I can't help, so I can only pray to God and ask Him to take care of him. The Author

BUSY :P
I've started consuming more honey since last night. Jules said it might help reducing the unpleasant liquid in my chest. Well, so far so good. We'll see. I am swamped with work again, but I guess that's to be expected. It's a good thing that we've finally set an internet connection at home, so I won't (have to) waste my time - and money! - on cybercafes. I need to write more. Later. Soon. The Author

DIVERSIONS
After a week, I began to notice something wrong. The flu's completely gone, but my throat is still sore.:( I don't know why. I've already tried like, three different drugs for that. The liquid, the pills... *sighs* Worst of all, I've also been feeling more unpleasant liquid in my chest. It's like, whenever I breathe deeply, there's a painful wheeze within me that triggers my coughing.:( But when I don't, it doesn't. :-? Let's just hope that this doesn't go on too long, shall we? I want to heal completely. I need to. I want to work in peace. I need to eat and drink normally again. And most of all, I miss singing.:P Hehe. My brother just turned 26 on August 17 - which is also Indonesia's Independence Day. Happy birthday, kid.;) It's true that there's still life after the broken heart.:) And why would I need to say that? After FCE, I've got an offer to attend CAE For Teachers.:D Another career progress? Let's just hope so. Thank God. It's as if things are looking ahead for me. Just like what I've told my Grand Aunt Rin: "Anyone can disappoint me, but I must never screw up my job. I have to make it even better after that." Interesting, eh?:D I'm also still trying out for more scholarships abroad. I mean, why not? After all, life goes on. It's been a week since he left. Do I hate them? No. Never. I have no time nor energy for that. There's still a lot to do. I know I have no rights to hate them for their decision anyway, so I won't. But that doesn't mean I wasn't angry at them for having made me feel like a complete fool. At this point, I'm actually still a bit disappointed with them, but maybe I shouldn't take things too personal anymore. I just don't know them that much. Perhaps I never really have. Big deal. But I deserve a break here. I need a time-out from all of this. My friends are right. That's why, she shouldn't go all dramatic with me after he left. She said she'd read every bit here and felt sad that I chose to stay away from her. Why waste the energy, the emotions? It didn't matter that I was nowhere while he was still around her. Why should it matter now? He also wouldn't and won't cry for my absence, I know - for he has forgotten me long ago. In fact, she was the one who once told me that we - she and I - were more like two independent souls. We hung out when we could. It's not like we've spent everyday together or something like that. It's not like we have to anyway. Do I miss them honestly? Of course. But now, I feel nothing towards them. Perhaps I've got effective diversions that to help me stay numb for now. After all, it's always been my worst weakness to have cared so much, to be too kind in this department - some people say. And I'm doing this for me. For my sake: my mental health and sanity. I'm not sorry and I won't be. I can't keep pleasing people all the time by convincing them I'm okay, whatever the hell they do. I don't care. In the end, I'm only human anyway. You see, I'm just like them. We're just people making choices. Choices always have consequences - and also sacrifices. That's all. The Author

JAVA ROCKINGLAND 2009
There were actually two other people I'd have liked to attend Java Rockingland 2009 with: 1.TIGER!:D;) (Too bad he's still miles away from here...:|) 2.Nanda. (If I could still see him around, I know he'd love this too.:|*deep sigh* Wherever he is now, I hope he's okay.) But anyway, at least I went with Gigi - and we really did have great fun together.:D I'd realized that I needed that, especially after all the 'unnecessary tension'. I didn't care about the price of the tickets. In fact, I'd bought for two days, knowing MR.BIG would be performing on Saturday night.:D It's my favourite rock band - and the last two times they were around for tours, I hadn't got a chance nor enough money to go!! Too bad Gigi could only make it on one day. So, that Friday night (8/7), we really had fun. Melee made an impressive debut performance. Feeling too old to scream out the band members' names like most of their other teenage fans, I mostly sang along, clapped hands, and just analyzed their performance. Frontman Chris Cron plays guitar, plays piano, and sings. Multi-talented. I'm sure he writes most of the songs too, and I guess that's just what most front figures in the bands do. Of course, all audience sang along to their most popular hit "Built To Last". Whee!:D And Vertical Horizon was amazing too that night!:D It was like, they haven't aged a day. Some of their popular songs simply brought me back to college days, like: "Everything You Want", "You're A God", "We Are", "Best I Ever Had", "Send It Up", "My Shackles", and even "I'm Still Here." We all sang along once again. The show ended at one am. It was a good thing Gigi's boyfriend Nanang wanted to pick her up and bring his friend Hendrik along to drop me off at home. Four of us spent some time at the crowded beach. (Ancol is in North Jakarta.) I noticed there were still many people around. Some were even swimming!:O Honestly, I was curious about the experience, but more unsure to deal with the chilling, salty water. Besides, I wasn't there for swimming in the first place anyway.:P We rode to my house first. All the way across the main road of Harmoni, I was stunned to see dozens of call-girls prowling on the sidewalk - obviously waiting for clients.:O "Amazed?" asked Hendrik with a sly grin. "I take it this is your first time out this late." Hmm, not exactly - but not around this area, I silently noted. By the time they dropped me home, it was already three am. I went straight to bed and fell asleep immediately, silently wondering if I could get up for my nine am class.*yawns* Saturday (8/8). I only slept for three or four hours. Wow. It was a miracle that I could still teach in the morning.:O (Lucky for Gigi, though, her students canceled their appointment so she could go home and back to sleep.:P) And I even managed to attend Grandpa's birthday in Veteran. But before that, there was this text while I was teaching: "Sorry for the ridiculously late notice, but would you like to have lunch today? I leave tomorrow and I would like to see you again before I leave, if possible." No. No, no. No, no, NO! :'-(... God, how could he do this to me? And why the hell did I (have to) feel so bloody disappointed and sad all over again? I called him immediately after class, ordering myself to get a grip. "I'm afraid I have to say no," I drawled. I tried to sound cold and uncaring, but sadness took control of my voice effortlessly. "Grandpa's birthday is today and I'll be heading to a rock concert tonight. With friends." "I know," he sighed dramatically. "I should've asked you this earlier. Stupid me I forgot. So sorry." Then why didn't you? I'd wanted to yell. It always hurts to know how easy you are to be forgotten by someone you've actually grown to care about more than ever. It doesn't seem fair, because in the end - you'll just have to kill it and slowly torment yourself in the process. But then again, that's just life, isn't that? "No problem." I was trying to maintain my composure, because I didn't like what I saw in the mirror right in front of my face. I was - indeed - already crying silently. I hoped it was only lack of sleep. "Besides, this isn't real goodbye, right? We can still e-mail each other and meet on Facebook." "Yes." Was there a trace of sadness in his voice too, or was it just my own exhausted mind playing cruel tricks on me again? "Well, take care." I barely kept up with the rest of our conversation until we finally hung up. Then I had to fight the urge really hard to destroy the mirror. I hated it. I hated the way I looked. I hated myself for (still) feeling that way. :'-(... Goodbye... That night, MR.BIG was AMAZING!:D They started with "Daddy, Brother, Lover, Little Boy" and "Take Cover". Paul Gilbert was back in the band, so that made it even better. I tried recording it for Gigi, since she couldn't make it. Yes, I went alone. I even had to lie to Mom, just so she wouldn't have to worry so much about me surviving the night all alone in Ancol.:( Sorry, Mom - but I'm 27 now. How did I get home this time? I waited until morning. I stayed up at one of the vendors around that area, sitting on their front porch while drinking coffee and reading a magazine under their light. After an hour before sunrise, I strolled around the beach. Lucky for me, the place was still overcrowded with people, so I was pretty safe until morning. Nobody noticed me that much. They'd probably be thinking I was searching for my lost group. By the time I was finally on a bus home, it was already seven. I felt like a drunk with a terrible hangover. Then I spent the rest of that Sunday...sleeping. Was it all worth it? Hell, yeah. I didn't care if my first week at work was hell, fighting back the fever, the flu and sore throat caused by my allergy (the wind and the sand at night plus my exhaustion) - altogether! Woohoo!!*big evil grin* The Author

THIS FATAL SILENCE
Silence has stolen the words from my mouth, but my eyes are still talking. Too bad it's not so loud. Maybe you could be listening. I know it's been way too long. My face's been solid frozen, cold as icy stone. Still, you're wondering if something's wrong. The ray of the sunlight has done nothing more than blinding you. You've put away the darkness of the night, but you forgot where I'm still actually at. Now the silence has stolen the words out of my mouth for the rest of this world. Only my eyes are still screaming. Unfortunately, you can't get the words back, for you didn't stick around when they still had a voice. The Author

SUNRISE
How do you define the sun that rises every morning? "Another new day," says an enthusiast. "A fresh start," claim the hopeful souls, picking up the pieces of their hearts. "School!" groans the lazy boy, after the joy from his previous holiday. "Romantic," says the blissful girl, resting her head on her lover's chest, with his arms around her as they stare at the sea. "It'd definitely the best." For the lonely, sunrise means only one thing today. It's the loss of yesterday, with the one who went away. The Author

DON'T WORRY
It's normal. It's natural. It can happen to anybody else, so it's understandable. Either you walk, run, or skip, there's still a chance you miss a beat. The next thing you know, you have to take the fall. Bump your face against the wall. Scrape your knee before you bawl. Don't worry, soon you'll be fine, you'll see. It's unavoidable. So bloody typical. A boy meets girl, and she shares him her world. It won't take long, before he finds another and leaves her all alone. But she still owns her pride, so she keeps her pain inside. Don't worry. She's as strong as she can be. She knows it, you see. The Author

THE KILLER MEAL
There's a price for every beauty. I'm sure everyone can see. Especially me. In the name of pure delight, I'll risk it with all my might. There's no sense of fright. I adore your reddish, exotic presence. Your aromatic scent puts me in a trance. I'll welcome you with my open hands. Despite my genetic sense of intolerance, here's one little fact. You're the temptation I can't reject. Now I'm stripping you on the surface. Your sexy, slender body's good to taste. But first, I must get rid of your head and all your legs. Scary, huh? After that, I'll heave a sigh. A sated predator on high. Then one pill to close the deal, because for me, you're the killer meal! The Author

BY THE SKATING RINK
Why are we just standing by this crowded skating rink? I feel like joining them, swirling gracefully on ice. You could laugh at me if I tripped over and fell after my unimpressive dance. I don't mind. I'm just a klutz taking her chance. But still, here we are, watching the skaters circle the rink, right inside this building. Pretty weird, don't you think? Outside, is the sun still shining? Let me check my watch. Oh, it's almost six. Time flies as we speak. Isn't this amazing? We're still standing, waiting by the skating rink. I know you can't hardly wait. No worries, she'll only be a little late. So, we'll still be waiting for her, then we'll have dinner. I can buy some time, just to catch up with your news. Then I'll leave you two alone, so none of you will have to pick up these blues. (July 25, 2009) The Author

STAGNATED?
Is it the hundredth time already? You don't know. You've already lost count. Your fingers are only ten. You can do more with your toes, but wouldn't it be funny? What are you now? An exhausted squirrel, constantly running on a spinning wheel? Who'll (want to) take your place, while you're having your meal? There's no winter here, so you can't hibernate. There's a lot to fear, like catching the last train to glory way too late. This senseless paranoia makes you pick up your pace. Wherever you are, you're not always sure what to face. Yet you also dread the thought of being stagnated. The Author

A SILENT CONVERSATION WITH DAD
"Don't be such a weakling!" retorted my father. "If you're sick, all you have to do is fight it off!" I glared back at him, silently furious. I was only six or seven. The headache was killing me. But I chose to wipe off my tears, just to prove him I was no weakling. Since then, I often hid in my bedroom whenever I fell ill. It was always Mom coming to look for me. She'd always understood better. She could handle everything well. But for him, any sign of weakness would be chaos to his perfect little world of order. It's a cruel world out there, he'd never stopped reminding me. Be the best for always, or get trampled on by the rest. --- // --- I should've been more careful as I hopped and skipped a few staircases down with my brother. I was twelve and he was only a year younger, but with more experience with the game. A few stitches in his head had once been a reminder. That night, I suddenly missed a step and sprained my left ankle. It hurt I automatically gritted my teeth from crying - a practice I'd been doing for years. But I told my brother about the pain. The boy told our father instead. "I don't see it," he said as he stared at my uncle. His eyes had cruelly gleamed with amusement. "Are you sure you're not faking it for attention?" Suddenly, the pain just doubled up. I quickly got up and walked off - I mean, hobbled - past him. At that time, my tears weren't coming for my sprained ankle. Mom always responded better. He ended up mumbling a defensive apology, insisting that he hadn't really seen it. Because by the time we got home, the swell was so huge I had to struggle taking off my sneaker. Mom had almost thought about cutting off its canvas material. Two weeks after the incident, I could walk normally again. He took my sister, our two cousins, and me to Bryan Adams' concert. I'd been so anxious to see my favourite rockstar on stage I got jumpy as a car drove past in front of me - a bit too closely. "Don't worry," he said flatly. "If that car ever hit you, I'd chase after them and smash their windows." Surprise, surprise. Maybe he wasn't as cold and stiff as he'd seemed. --- // --- No human being can avoid nor escape any pain. That's just life. There's no order without chaos. In January 2009, my best friend since college Ario passed away. I've been more than used to not sharing everything with my father - until that serious wake-up call on April. A stroke has stolen his ability to talk and strength to walk. Then I just found out that someone I love had chosen my best friend over me. Surprisingly, I was glad I had no time to grieve over that. But I know, I've been keeping a time bomb like I normally do. One afternoon, I was standing next to him. He was sitting in his wheelchair. Suddenly, he held my hand - something he'd hardly done in the past. Our eyes met, but his gaze had been frail with something I'd never seen before. Was it grief, guilt or regret - for he'd never really communicated with me while he still had the ability? Or perhaps Mom had told him what happened to me, knowing she was always his only bridge to understand me better over the years. Then he started to cry. I've expected that his silent tears would be coming more often. I've prepared myself, but I know it won't always be easy. I held his hand back and kept my own tears from coming. "It's okay," I whispered quietly. "We're going to be okay, Daddy." The Author

DEALING WITH GLOOMINESS
I'm well-aware that I've been writing silly poems lately.:P Pathetic? Whatever.*rolls eyes* Honestly, I don't even (want to) care too much about what other people think about my silly poems. I just want my sanity back. Believe me, I've been working on it pretty damn hard too. I've been keeping myself busy. I work-out. I work. I write. I read. I pray. I hang out with real good friends here. I take care of Dad and Baby Ganesh too. What else? In the end, I only try my best. As a human being, I will always have my flaws. I guess that's why there are times when my best still isn't good enough. *deep sigh* See? This is why I haven't written any long entries lately. It just...hurts. Lately, I've been emotionally...unstable. I know that I've got to do something serious to restore the balance. And I will. It just takes some time. Okay? The Author

I HATE THIS
I hate this. I hate it that you were right. I thought I could always fight and have nothing to lose and miss. But anyway, you said this would be temporary. Soon, all of this will go away. When? It depends. The control is still in my hand. I miss the old me. I miss standing tall, believing I was unbreakable. Can I go back to that moment, when solitude wasn't a torment? You were right. This loneliness sometimes gets unbearable, even when you're with other people. Strange but true, these days have once again made me realize, that I've always been missing you. I'm sorry. I just hate this... The Author

A FAIRWEATHER COMPANION IN SEASONS OF SOLITUDE
There are no seasons here, only the weather. The rain and sunny days, wet and dry. I still remember: You've always liked more rain. The heat could make you faint, and I never wanted you in pain. If there were seasons, would it be any different? Am I too crazy to see each can symbolize certain emotions? If it were summer, I might lose my sleep. Sunny days would feel longer, and the heat would be unbearable. They say autumn is gloomy. Falling leaves, the sky so gray; the colour of death and loss. They say it can depress you the most. I'm always curious about the winter: Is it any better? Maybe the cold can help to numb you, until you become entirely blue. I hear spring is the best, but maybe it's just my guess. At least, it looks picture-perfect. Care to clarify the fact? Anyway, once again there are no seasons here. Just sunny days and the rain, only two of them to compare. You've always loved the rain 'cause the heat can leave you in pain. But for me, one reason is crystal-clear: I need the rain to hide my tears. The Author

ONE OF THESE DAYS
One of these days, you tend to wonder who the hell created the word 'forever'. Did they even notice every start has a finish? Another day goes by as you keep questioning why so many reasons to lie too much ignorance to every cry or hope that easily dies. Who are you? Look into the mirror in your room A recognizable face, yet you still can't grasp the person staring back at you. Where are you now? Here, there, everywhere, nowhere? You've always known the way, yet you still feel like a lost stranger with an old map so tattered. What are you to others? To make them feel better, even at your worst? A friend or a foe? Don't you even (want to) know? So many questions, but answers don't always come in time or else. Would it be so bad to have no thoughts in your head? No return to the magic of childhood where everything was good. No retreat to your teenage years when you could face all your fears. How much easier they all seemed. One of these days, you still wonder a lot. A confused grown-up in the strangest playground with no map to be found. How to survive and stay alive? Will solitude always make a good company? Once in a while, maybe. But anyway, we'll see. Whatever will be... The Author

WHY?:'-(
Why...oh, why do you love making people cry and seeing them die? No, no, no! I don't want to know what's inside your sick, twisted souls (that, if you ever had any.) You're nothing but cowards to me, hiding behind layers of shadows, but still believing you're free. What are you actually proud of? For you, nine deaths are never enough. There's no meaning in peace and love. Now, look what you've done. Peace and quiet are gone. Innocent or else, human lives are still stolen. Maybe you'll never be satisfied. So you'll carry on this worthless fight, demanding our attention with all your might. Thank you very much. Now we won't forget how to keep watching our backs and not to trust each other a lot. Are you happy? For now, free to believe God lets you be. You may think He's always on your side, but we know it's not right. Call yourselves holy martyrs, but you're just inhuman bullies addicted to create more fears... The Author

THE LATE ENTRIES
How does my English accent really sound? "You have a slight mid-western American accent," said Tiger once. "And no, your British accent sounds horrible." *giggles*:P "You sound so British sometimes," commented Patrick. "Where did you get that?" Good question.*big evil grin* "You sound so British," said Sara, Mary Jo's best friend. "I bet no one will think you're Indonesian if you come to South Carolina." "You sound very American," said Geoff, a British English teacher at where I work. "You know, it took me twice to talk to you, until I have finally noticed that." "Have you ever been to Australia yet?" asked Brent, a Canadian tourist I once met on the bus one Saturday afternoon - on my way to the book fair. He was like the younger, smaller version of actor Dermott Mulroney - with short gray hair and...smoky-blue eyes too.:| "Your accent sounds like someone from there." *cracks up laughing* --- // --- About a few nights ago, I'd been a clumsy, 'accidental' stunt.:P You see, I was on my way home. I saw a public, white minivan parked across the street. I was crossing the street and then walking behind it, when suddenly the key-chain from my backpack's zipper got caught in the car's back-light's jagged edge. That was when the driver started the car. I gasped as I got dragged a few centimeters forward. Panic-stricken with fear, I started banging on the back window and screaming at the driver. "Stop! I'm stuck!" Finally, a passenger at the back turned around and noticed me with horror in his eyes. When he yelled at the driver to stop, the driver hit the brake...and I bumped into the window. Hard. Ow.:| When I finally could release the key-chain and got into the minivan, the driver had looked seriously pale. "I-I'm really s-sorry," he stammered. "I-I didn't s-see you." It's okay," I breathed. "I wasn't careful too." Guess I'm not exactly Hollywood-stunt material too.*giggles* The Author

DYSMORPHIA (YOU'RE NOT MY MIRROR!)
It's been way too long, probably a lifetime since you started treating me wrong. How do I get rid of you? You don't seem to want to go away. Did I ever ask you to stay? No way! Constantly, you never stop reminding me the lack I possess to un-impress this stupid, shallow society. No, I don't forget the size of my waist, nor the food I choose not to waste. But still, you just won't quit until I squirm at your feet. Should I make you feel happy, by slicing every bit of flesh in me? Do I ever work out? Must I answer to your doubts? What?? Come to think of it, you've been wasting my energy and you've got nothing else to do. Seriously? I think you're a pity. I'm still alive and healthy. Got more to say to me? Don't bother! Save your breath! Unless you've got something more intelligent to talk about, let me show you a way out. You're not my (talking) mirror, so shut the hell up! The Author

THE GHOST GIRL
Please let me know, if I start to disappear from a place in your thoughts. It's bad news I have to hear. I know I've been away. For too long I wasn't there. Not much I've had to say but that doesn't mean I don't care. Tell me something: Have I missed too much? I guess it's been a wishful thinking, since now you're out of touch. Once joined by solitude, now separated by reality. Maybe it's all good, even with only one of us out of here. No need to say more, how much I once meant to you before. Now I don't know what I'm here for. Perhaps it's time for the exit door. Don't mind me, I'm just a lost, little ghost searching for a way to be free... The Author

DEADLY APATHY
Pardon my sarcasm. It's just my idealism. Where's my enthusiasm? Help me find it. Maybe it's still here, even just a bit. It's been over three decades. They say never let your hope fade, or be consumed by hate. Is it still possible, when all I see is more trouble? More promises made, too many gone to waste. If honesty's already dead, then it's a disgrace. Excuse the cynical me. I'm not truly sorry. I question what I see. Is your smile for real, or just a temporary deal? What do you feel? It's been way too long for this same, old sad song. Too much's gone wrong. We're in the present, but let's not pretend there were no scars to mend. Sorry for this deadly apathy. But hey, you can still show me your honesty for this country. After that, we shall see if it's what you deserve to be. (for Indonesia's Presidential Election, July/8/2009) The Author

SILENT WISHES
I'll be thinking of you, whenever I need to smile. You know who you are. 'Cause you're always my one (and only) favourite star. Are we still too far? Then why are you still right here in my heart? It seems you're such an effective cure for all of these (emotional) scars. Please don't find me hideous, while I'm being this deadly serious. You know what I'd like to do, if I'd ever get to you. (And hopefully by God, I will soon.) I'd hug you close everyday, then I'd say: "It's always a beautiful day." And if you wondered why, guess whom I'd be staring at. That would be the answer you'd get. It's not only love so true. My respect for you has immensely grown too. The Author

SURREAL ATMOSPHERE
Two Saturdays ago, you had the time of your life. Thank all the good girls (Gigi, Nezzie, Lisa, and Mpeet!:D) who had brought laughter. Watching "Star Trek" was the best activity of the day. They all know just how much you fancy Sexy Zack - a.k.a.Zachary Quinto. (Two words for his sexiness: thick eyebrows!*giggles*) It was the funny, action-packed remake of a popular sci-fi. --- // --- "The air disappeared, the moment you tried to breathe..." Exaggerating? Maybe. This what usually can happen if you choose to hold the flooding dam inside your eyes. It's much better that way. Your eyes must remain dry, 'though they no longer glow. It's just what most grown-ups do. You're not a little girl anymore. After all, the world likes you better when you look happy. It doesn't really matter if you're actually otherwise. The next thing you know, sometimes it can get worse. It can affect your health too. You woke up on two Sunday mornings ago with a horrible itch in your throat. You couldn't stop coughing. You couldn't even speak. It hurt you terribly. ("Laringitis," he told you when you finally met him and shared the news.) You had to skip work two Mondays ago. You still couldn't talk. However, you were afraid to stay home too long and do nothing at all. Scary thoughts in your twisted mind could drive you crazy. You were afraid to go to sleep, although you actually needed more of it to get you better. You were afraid to have dreams that could make you wake up crying and hyperventilating. Not these days, God. Please. So you doubled-up the dosage of your medications. You're always aware of the danger in addiction, but - at that time - you just couldn't stand the pain anymore. You wanted it all to go away soon. You needed that peaceful, dreamless sleep. You didn't want to think of anything at all. And you certainly didn't want to feel a damn thing either. You just needed to stay numb - at least for a while. Work's been a great escape for your brain. It's probably the only place where you can regain your self-control. Stay busy. That's the only way. Mean weather these days. The sun's scorching your skin, the way your ego's eating your guts from the inside. You're slowly burning, yet you still act as if the ice never melts. Your head was screaming at you one night and you woke up feeling awfully dizzy, disoriented, and nauseaous. You found yourself rushing into the bathroom, throwing your guts up in the sink at one a.m. That wasn't good. But you couldn't deny what really happened. You still can't deny its stubborn, painful existence as you're writing this. --- // --- He texted you last Wednesday: "Are you free on Saturday?" Since he's still around in your country until August, you decided to call his local number. Why? It saved time. The next thing you knew, you made a plan to meet. (For old time's sake? Why not??) At least you knew that - at some point - he still needed you around. Just like when he needs to talk about his cat, because you know she hates cats. You know what they say. Don't. Don't push it. You'll get yourself hurt again. You'll crumble into pieces and never be the same again. Well, who are they kidding? You're already in pain. You've already crashed and burned, and you've got something to learn. The sooner you face your demons, the better. Even when you know it can kill you on the inside - a thousand times and more. --- // --- Then, that day finally came. The day you amazed yourself. Why? You woke up early just to get to where he was A.S.A.P. You didn't want to keep him waiting too long. You've already known how waiting in vain can truly hurt. You chose to spare him that. You could still smile at both of them. You could still hug him close, which you'd already sworn yourself that you'd never have again.:( You never forget his body-scent. It was still the same. Was it like last year's sunny June? Almost. Surprisingly, you two could still talk like you had before. You could still laugh together too. But deep down, you knew it just wasn't the same. You wondered if it had really been from the heart, or you'd just performed well - like a professional, outstanding actor for the same old role - all over again. But hey, his happy smile for his recent situation meant more to you than your own real feelings, right? So, for his sake, you had to put that mask on your face. Good choice. Always wear the one with the prettiest, most dazzling smile when you need it the most.:) That way, you wouldn't have to spoil anybody's fun. That's strictly a Ms.Independent's graceful, noble policy. You know you've been good at it. Remember, practice makes perfect. "There's this book about local culinary in English I saw once at Peri Plus. The instructions are quite clear and practical, and most of the menus are non-fried ones." Just like his favourite meals, you noted silently. His smoky-blue eyes widened in surprise and amazement as he smiled at you. "You remember." "I don't forget." You wondered if he'd somehow noticed a slight sarcasm in your tone, but also wished he hadn't. Especially when he casually mentioned last year, as if it had been just some fun trip that had absolutely had nothing to do with you. Sad but true. But at least, you could still be friends, right? And he was wearing that batik shirt your family gave him on his previous visit, which could possibly mean he still remembered their kindness last year.:) At least you could still be grateful for that, couldn't you? Wouldn't you?? When she finally caught up with you two from work, you knew it was your cue. Time to go and leave them alone. You could tell from the smiles on their faces and the way they held hands. The air around you gradually disappeared, the moment you tried to breathe. Time to say goodbye and go your own way. Why did you choose a one-armed hug that day - the way Sirius Black hugged Harry Potter in "The Order of Phoenix"? It's easier (and quicker) to let go that way. When you hold someone with both arms, you tend to want to stop time - just so that you can keep them longer right there and then. Especially when you do still care. To her, you whispered in her ear: "Baik-baik ya, sama dia?" (Be good to him, okay?) She laughed, as if you had said something so bloody ridiculous. Then she said: "Kayak gue mau berantem sama dia saja!" (As if I'm going to have a spat with him any day!) You only gave her a small smile, then you turned to him. You hugged him, trying your best to avoid automatically inhaling his shoulder - like you used to do last year without him knowing. You whispered in his ear: "Be good to her, okay?" "I will," he replied softly. "Nice to see you again. I'll try to meet you again when we return from Magelang." "Sure." Did he really mean it? You didn't bother to stick around longer to find out. You just had to go soon because of the cracks on your smooth, tough exterior. You were about to break anytime soon. You had to get out before your version of Hyde would come out and start butchering everybody. Never look back again! As soon as you were alone, the air came back again. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Good. Good girl. But...oh, no. Your cheeks were wet now, although it wasn't even raining. Sssh, it's okay. It's going to be okay. You've already promised yourself that you'd never ever do that again. So please, don't. You were great. You've done your best performance there, flawlessly. You should be proud of yourself. Not many could hit it well. Did they know it was your last emotional hug for them? Did they know that it was how you said goodbye to your emotional attachment to them? Because after that day, you're not sure you can stay the same. You still consider them as friends, alright. But there are changes from now on. Choices that lead to consequences and sacrifices. That's just how reality works. Welcome to life. Soon, you'll disappear from the pages of their books. (Or have you already??) You're a replaceable minor character. They won't be missing you too much when you're gone. Without you, they can still carry on. The question is: what about you? --- // --- Bless last Sunday, for the band rehearsal with your dear brother and friends went well.:) Bless yesterday, for you had so many - more important things - to do. Time to make yourself more useful for the good again. And bless today, for you're still breathing - eventhough there's something missing in your life. The Author

PERFECT?
Had I been a 'perfect' friend? Long ago, somebody told me so. I was always there, when he needed someone to share all the pain in his lonely soul, an agonizing scar that left a hole. Was I ever a 'perfect' friend? I wasn't really sure. Had I been an effective cure? Maybe my intentions weren't all that pure. Who was I to think, I was a fairy who could bring all the joy and everything? Am I a 'perfect' friend? Sadly, no. Never was and never will be. I'm just an ordinary mortal with the hideous scars of my own a gaping hole in my soul. In the end, only my hands can mend this existing pain I can't pretend. Perfect? I don't think so. But I still believe that everything has its expiration date. Even this sorrow. The Author

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RED!
Happy birthday, Red! You're turning 28. Isn't it great? I hope that's also how life's treating you. You know my every word is true, although they don't always come out like I've wanted them to. The Author

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAKARTA!
Happy birthday, Jakarta! My beloved city of the polluted sky keeps on suffering as you age four centuries and 82 years overcrowded with ungrateful residents officials, regulars, and never-ending wannabes overloaded with waste and leftovers inedible, yet indestructible sucking in every last bit of decent space as each weary soul picks up their pace. Happy birthday, Jakarta! My beloved city of the starless sky Once I met a star brightening the gloomy nights in my eyes banishing me demons when the time was right. I showed you to my fallen star secretly hoping he'd never have gone too far leaving my soul behind with this ugly scar. Happy birthday, Jakarta! My beloved city of the same old sky. I'm still right where I am while the star travels as he pleases. Nothing to be damned just one gullible little girl with her silly, impossible wishes. Will she survive again this time, among the cold, heartless souls, catching another next train to a plastic, temporary world of success? Is there a cure for this unspeakable pain, something to seal this gaping black hole somewhere deep inside my wretched soul? For now, allow me to disappear, right in your arms without any fear. The Author

WORKING DAYS
Last Monday: "He's here. We arrived in Bekasi at one." "Is his jet-lag still terrible? Let him rest for a while if it is." "Not that bad, actually. He's had enough rest already." "Good. Alhamdulillah he landed safely." Last Tuesday: Not much to tell. Drowned at work and in everything else. Last Wednesday: Silly me.:P*blushes* I forgot the address of the university that offers scholarships. I had to go online again. And met him there - using her account. Yes, we chatted for a while. The bottom line is: he was still adjusting to being here. (The post jet-lag?) "Talk to you soon." "Well, let me know if you want to." "You know you can contact me too." Indeed... --- // --- That night, my brother was using the TV in the living room to play PS.:P I told him I'd like to watch CSI at nine and he said okay. At 8:45, I didn't know what else to do but wait, so...I called her. I know what you might be thinking now. No, I'm not caving in. It's okay to stay nice with them, I believe. Like a decent friend I'd still like to be. I only talked with each of them for five minutes or so. Surprisingly, I didn't break down or anything - which was a good sign for me, I believe. "Whatever you've read in my blog, don't tell him anything about that." "Why? I think it's okay if he knows." Okay, I couldn't believe she could be that naive about this whole thing.:O*gasps* "Because my feelings for him aren't that important anymore." ........................... When Joza started dating another girl in college, I slowly stepped back and soon walked out of his life. Why? I didn't want to let him know that it had hurt me. I didn't want to appear like a loser.:( It wasn't fair. Why should I have spoiled his fun by doing that? Why would I ever?? He deserved to be happy with someone else as he wished. The similar thing happened with Tiger too long ago. (Although I'm glad that we're still friends.:D) I'd kept quiet for three years whenever he went "on and off" with her the whole time. I just wrote in my blog. Mom told me once: "Why do you always have to be the fairy?" Gee, Mom. I don't know. Maybe I should keep playing that part until someone finally realizes that I too deserve to be more than just a fairy. I mean, it's (supposed to be) that simple, isn't it? I don't know.*shrugs* You tell me. Maybe I'm only good as a love martyr or something. I've always been Ms.Independent, haven't I? After I hung up, I went to the living room. It was already nine and my brother was still playing PS. He was giving me his ear-splitting, Garfield grin. "Uh, is it okay if I play for another hour and you watch the re-run at eleven?" ??? Last Thursday: Not a really productive day at work.:| Enough said. Today: I've finally had my scholarship application mailed today. YAY!:D Now I can focus on my other projects too. I'm way behind my writing. Sika asked me to substitute for her business English class tomorrow morning. Okay.:) Nezzie's also asked me to see "Star Trek" with her afterward. Two words for that: ZACHARY. QUINTO. *drools*:P The Author

THOUGHTS OF ONE QUIET NIGHT
Beautiful, I must say you're (still) such a sight for my pretty sore eyes. I still pray everything's alright. No more useless tears from your tired eyes. Beautiful, I still silently wonder: "Is there still trouble in your sleep?" I'd like to banish your monsters so comfort is yours to keep. Beautiful, if only I could just watch you sleep for just one peaceful night to see I had no reasons to worry and God protected you for me. One of these days of solitude, I wish to do more than I could. But I'm not a ghost nor a fairy, for I'm just an ordinary me. The Author

DEATH OF A FAIRY
Something's up. My broken wings no longer make me fly. Dimming light in my eyes. Where's my magic wand? It used to be here but now it's gone. I still need it to carry on. Now I'm losing my glow. Nothing more to show. Oh, what a painful blow! Have I been kidding me, into thinking I'm some kind of a fairy? Now who am I supposed to be? My pocket is now empty. No more fairy dust in me. It's all flying free. Too many frowns on my face. My smile looks out of place. Oh, what a disgrace! Their mocking laughter suffocates me, calling out their wicked disbelief: "No such things as fairies!" Wait. Stop! Please. I...still...want...to...live... The Author

SINGING FOR THE WEEKEND
Last Friday: It wasn't a very productive day at work.:| The kids were in their lowest mood. Oh, well.*deep sigh* What the hell. You can't expect everything to be perfect all the freaking time, eh? The greater thing was, I went to 'Warung Jajan' again after work - along with Gigi, Lisa, Shanti, and also Gigi's pal Uthie. Lisa and Shanti had to go home early, but the rest of us stuck around until...midnight!:D It was hilarious. The three of us were just goofing around like crazy and laughing, and ordering drinks to pass the night. Since the live band was already familiar with us there (especially since we've been around a few times before and I've also sung a few songs with the band too!:P), they invited me to sing with them again. More than once, I believe.*giggles* I even managed to make Gigi do a couple of numbers too, hehe.*big evil grin* She's a great singer too. The band talked to us during their break. They even told us that they'd like to see us again more and hear us sing with them.:D Yippee! God, I wished Tiger had been there too that night.;)*sighs* Yesterday: I went to the gym and started reading and writing more. I need to finish a paper for work and a scholarship form I must fill in A.S.A.P. She left me an offline message on YM: "Read your blog entries. So sorry.:( Don't know what to say.*hugs*" So am I.:'-( So do I... Today: My sister's husband G's family visited home and had lunch with us. I went to the gym again after that. A voice in my head keeps asking me all through today: "What would you do, if - when he gets here just to see her this time - none of them ever had any time nor even wanted to see you?" My honest answer? "I don't know. It's up to them. He has a month to decide that. She has all the time in the world to do that too. My door still opens for them." The Author

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
I finally got a chance to talk to him yesterday. To be honest, it was long, grueling, and very painful. But I knew that - once again - I had to go through something like that, or else I'd never really live in peace and move on. The good thing is, at least they'd finally told me. And I'd like it to be fair. I know that I've been way too busy to notice things lately. At least they knew - and have fairly accepted - the fact that I feel disappointed with them. Especially him. I mean, he had one year to tell me something this critically important. Their feelings for each other is their right I know. I just hate the late notice. He said he was sorry.:( He said he knew that he should've told me sooner - which was last year, supposedly. He said (and she'd said the same thing too) that they didn't mean to hurt me. (I know, but actually they do.) Although they both still want to stay friends with me, they can understand if I'm angry with both of them and want them to stay away for good. It's like, they've already prepared themselves for the worst of possibilities from me. Sounds unfair to you, in my case?*deep sigh* Maybe it is. But then again, who says life is always about sunshine and rainbow? Just like Rocky Balboa said, don't forget the punches and how to get up after that. "Next time, good or bad, you two must deliver me the news right off - especially when it comes to something critical like this one." "Okay." "Promise me one thing, though." "Yes?" "If you plan to steal her heart, BE NICE to it. BE NICE to her." "Alright, my friend. I'm trying my best." "Good. Because I've made her promise the same thing about you." "Oh...thank you.:)" "And if you're not really sure about her, DON'T keep her waiting." "I will. Thank you very much." :'-(... I did the right thing, didn't I? Just like the noble lady I always have to be. Besides, I guess he was right about one thing: we just didn't belong in the first place. And we wouldn't make it. As sucky as it is, I must face it. This isn't the first time I take such bad news. I've read her poems on Facebook - and I know that she's falling for him too. She's been trying to tell me this for months. It is for real, I think, more than she'd like to reveal to him. And if two people share the same feelings for each other, then who the hell am I to ever get in their way? What kind of a human being would I be? Now what? Where do we all go from here? It is as simple as this: When he gets here again, I'll simply let them have their space. I'll still welcome them if they ever want to visit me, like a decent friend normally is. Not a happy ending for me again, eh?:P Well, at least I'm still alive and breathing. Let's see what I can write more after this. Soon. The Author

THE STINGING HEADACHE
I woke up late today - with the stinging headache.:( What a bonus. I'd planned to visit Library@Senayan this morning, but it was too late. That place closes at two every Saturday. It never opens on Sunday, unless if there's an event. *deep sigh* No choice but to visit there next time. I need some valuable stuff for my FCE teaching. I need to be more serious at work this time. I also need more time to write. But most of all, I need to escape. How? I don't know yet.*shrugs* I'm not sure about it. I'll just see as I go. ........................... There was this episode of "Dawson's Creek" that I still remember well. Do you know that scene when Dawson's father Mitch Leery died from a car crash? And then Dawson was holding his baby sister Lily before the funeral. When Jen's grandmother offered to take Lily from his arms - just so he could relax for a while - Dawson simply told her: "Lily's the one to keep me strong." A couple of days ago, I tried the same tactic with Ganesh. I was even slow-dancing with him in the morning. (Hehe.:P) The timing was also right. He was lying in his bed in his room. Nobody was around, and he'd been having a hiccup. So I carried him in my arms, his face facing the other way around with his head on my shoulder. I gently tapped his back so the hiccup would stop. When you're holding something so alive and fragile like that, you must never go weak. In fact, you must focus to stay strong, because it's for the sake of the baby's life. From my family's comments of approval, I guess I'd done it right. That, until my brother suddenly said this: "Don't worry, someday soon - some other guy out there will look at you like that and feel that you're affectionate enough to be his future wife." Shut up.:( I felt tears starting, and I guess Ganesh felt it too, because he suddenly started to cry. I had to give him back to my sister. It's a good thing that I don't let this whole shit destroy my focus at work. I know that skipping a day means reducing my salary. I'm paid per hour. Besides, it's good to keep yourself busy. Maybe it's even better this way. When my sister broke up with G, she'd skipped two days of work to just bawl her eyes out. Mom had been there for her too. When he left a year ago, I'd cried secretly for three days, but never skipped work. At work, I had to be professional. (Although secretly, I wished corporates here were like those in Japan these days - where they give a sick day off work for the heartbroken employees. Hmm.) But the time I got home, I'd lock myself in my room and cry. Nobody was around to comfort me, they'd been all too busy for my sister's wedding. Only her texts from my cellphone, simply well-written: "Don't worry. Hopefully your sunshine will return soon." Honestly, these days, I'm not really sure what to believe in anymore. I'm still in The Twilight Zone and it's just getting worse. How come he made me wonder all by myself for ONE FREAKING YEAR, before he finally decided to explain something to me? And I just had to hear it from her, not him. He's got my e-mail address, right?? How could he do this to me??? What the hell just have I done wrong to deserve any of this? Was it because I'd been (too) busy and less attentive to him?? He never said a single word about what I'd told him back then at the airport ("I love you"), except: "I know." Nothing more after that, except the fact that he'd become more and more...distant. I thought he might've needed his space to figure things out, so I'd just let him have it. I'm not the pushy kind. If you just want to be friends, then make sure I'm notified A.S.A.P. I don't mind. I can take it. If he'd told me straight to my face last year, maybe I would've been upset at first - but then the pain wouldn't last for a year. I would've been able to kill it right away. And she??? God, I've trusted her with my own life. Long ago, she'd even told him that I was more like a sister to her. Really??? Either way, they both have successfully made me feel like a total idiot. The worst part is, I (still) love them both. I know feelings can't be compelled. I've learnt that enough from experience. They can do whatever they like, and I will never get in their way. ........................... Do I hate them now? No. It's useless anyway. I'm just feeling numb now (and sick from the headache too). I still consider them my friends now, but - sorry to say - I trust them less. I don't think I can ever look at them the same way again. Okay, the reason I woke up late with a serious headache was because of some sick stalker with the phone number 62-81213919205 - who'd thought it was funny to disturb me with their stupid, pointless missed calls during wee hours. It disturbed my sleep. When I couldn't take it anymore, I texted them: "Just fuck off, you pathetic psyco!" And I've taken three painkillers today, but the headache just won't stop.:( The Author

THE OBLIVIOUS FOOL. THE GULLIBLE CHILD. THE LAST TO KNOW.
"Nanda?" "Hey, what's up?" "Not much. I'm still adjusting to my new high school here. How are you?" "Fine. Same here too. Still singing?" "Nah, not really. No bands here." And I miss you, because you're not here with me. "What about you? Are you still playing guitar?" "Yeah, but I haven't joined any band yet." "Oh, okay." An awkward pause. "Uh, Nanda?" "Yeah?" "I'm sorry to say this but...err, I've been hearing scary rumors about you lately." "Really?" He sounded mighty intrigued. "How scary?" "They say that...uh, you've been using drugs." "What??" Silence for a while. "Who said that?" He didn't sound very angry, but it was still dead awkward. "Uh, I don't know." Gulp. "Some kids, I guess." And oh, that warm laughter again - just like good old, rocking times as junior high-school kids. That's silly. Never pay attention to that, okay?" "Okay." Deep sigh. A click after goodbye. It was 1997, the beginning of high-school. It was the last I'd ever heard of him. The first junior high school boy who noticed the singing voice of a heavy girl who'd once believed she'd never have belonged on any centre stage. The real guitar hero who'd brought music, laughter, and joy to this girl's quiet little world - somewhere inside her isolated castle. The little prince charming - sparked with intelligence and fun mischief - every junior high school girl would go for... Where are you now, btw? You've always been there for me in the past, though you barely revealed the real you within. I still hope and pray that you're okay. Alive, healthy, and happy. Was it real for me or just a crush? Either way, you've meant so much to me - a lot more than you know. You've given me a stage of bliss, though it was only temporary... ---//--- "I'm really sorry." "Why?" "I...I've kissed Joza while you were asleep in the other room." "So?" She'd looked so guilty. "I know how you still feel about him. We just got carried away after he was being flirtatious with me..." "It's okay," I gently told her. Amazingly, I could still smile. "You don't have to explain anything to me. He's not even my boyfriend anyway. He never has been, so he's more than entitled to do just whatever he pleases." "But I'm still sorry." "No, you shouldn't be. I'm okay. Don't worry about me." I'd been rational, hadn't I? It was 2001, the second college semester. We were part of a film club. He'd just been burnt by the girl of his dreams in my class, and we'd also grown apart. I didn't want him to know how badly crushed I'd been when he chose her, but - sadly - I'd still wanted to console him too at that time. I know heartbreak can lead (some) people to some flings. One of my friends happened to be one, because - not long after that - they'd never officially dated or anything. But for those three years, I'd made sure nobody would've ever seen me cry. Nobody ever really had to anyway. Let those hideous scars belong to no one but me - carved deep in my soul. Now he's happy - this time with the real girl of his dreams. That's all I need to know - from the pics on his Facebook. He's never had any special feelings for me anyway, and I doubt he ever will. But at least, we'd been pretty close friends for one semester. ---//--- "Pumpkin!" "Don't cry, sweetie." He hugged me close that Saturday night in his room. "It's okay. I know how you feel. I know it's not easy. But you did the right thing. You've done all you could. You've been a really good friend to him, and I'll be damned if he still doesn't notice how lucky he is to have you around." "Really?" "Yeah." He smiled at me as he stroked my messy curls. "And you've been so brave, confessing your real feelings to him like that. You go girl." "And he happened to be the first guy I've ever confessed my real feelings to," I smiled ruefully. "I know why he still wants to give her another chance. He loves her so much. He's just so very sweet and loyal and everything." "And you love him too." He rubbed my back gently. "It's going to be okay, girlfriend. You're tough." "I just don't want her to hurt him like that anymore. He loves her so much." "I know, I know. And you'll get over him soon if she starts treating him right, won't you?" "I hope so. I have to." "You will, girl. Don't worry." It was 2004, a year after my college graduation. I'd never thought that I could've fallen for someone so far. I couldn't help it. He was so sweet. He still is. And I still love him in a way, because he's always been my greatest friend. He's always been nothing but honest with me. I'd still seriously die for him, but it's best not to make promises you can't really keep. So, as usual, I'll just do my best and let God do the rest. So far, we're still around for each other - but also respective of our personal spaces. In the end, only time will tell... ---//--- "Why am I always the last to know? Tell me why is it always me alone Still dancing when the party's over? Why am I always the last to see?" Some people might think I'm emotionally distant on the outside. I don't (seem to) know how to be more (openly) affectionate. However, I believe I still try my best. I mean, I have. Maybe it's just not enough. Maybe it was never really meant to be in the first place, eventhough you thought he felt the same way too. (Ha-ha, what a joke. He's not that into you, sweetie. Don't be fooled.) I never ask people to stay with me either. They can always go away. It's not the first time. And I expect no pity from anyone. Not even from both of them. I'll still live anyway in the end - one way or another. When's the best time to let someone you love go for good? When he's never said anything about what you'd told him last year at the airport - and fallen for someone else - especially when it happens to be...your own best friend. What happens when she falls for him too, and tells you about it? (Though he hasn't spoken a single word to you about it too himself?) It's been year, and you've just heard her apology. You knew there was something suspicious. How he's grown cold and distant for the past year, just when you thought he'd have at least considered about what you said at the airport back then. How she'd held you when you cried after he'd taken off. How they've been keeping you in the dark for too long. What will you do when you see them here? Interesting question. How does it feel to be the last to know? Are you an oblivious fool? A true gullible child this bloody mean world is (either secretly or openly) laughing at right now? You tell yourself that. Lately, you've forgotten to check your back. Too bad it's already bleeding too much. Your 'third-eye' hasn't been working properly. You've missed too much. Being busy can cost you a lot. Guess what? It already has. The Author

AWAKE/ASLEEP?
Something strange happened to me this morning. I woke up early, but I sensed the blankness in me for quite long. (And speaking of that, I could've done something more productive during that time. I mean, I should!) Then Gigi said she couldn't come with me to the gym through a text message. I thought to myself: "That's okay. I can still go alone." After breakfast, I decided to play with Ganesh for a while. That little guy just loves it when I sing him Toto's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".:D He just cracks up laughing, showing me his pink gum. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight... In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight... In the village, the peaceful village the lion sleeps tonight... In the village, the peaceful village the lion sleeps tonight... Hush, my darling. Don't fear, my darling the lion sleeps tonight... Hush, my darling. Don't fear, my darling the lion sleeps tonight..." That's the great thing about babies, I guess.:) They can help you to release all your stress. Their innocence is the best thing in this already too wrecked world... After that, I went to my room. I'd thought of preparing for the day. I mean, I thought I had. I went to the gym, and then rush to work...until I stopped and suddenly felt something terribly wrong with me. That was when my eyes opened and I found myself...still lying in bed, in my room. I glanced at the clock in dismay. It was already 11 am. What the...???:O Of course, I didn't get the chance to go to the gym anymore that morning. Whatever.*rolls eyes* I'd already lost my mood anyway, so I went straight to work. It was unusually hard to concentrate until I secretly felt bad for my students.*blushes* I've just had dinner with the girls at work, and now I realized something else. I left my pencil case at work - and somehow, my blue hat's been missing since yesterday. Am I that tired??? The Author

SENSITIVE(ITY) CASE
I'm well-aware that I'm (still) sensitive and temperamental. The good thing about it is that I can defend myself. But if (they think) I'm being too much, they tend to accuse me for being so bloody sensitive. Actually, I never like hurting other people. However, I can't just sit still and do nothing when someone does that to me first. That's just my nature, and I'm not sorry for that. Personally, I love trading jokes with friends. But when is a joke considered 'gone too far'? I know it's different for each person. Recently, I snapped at Hardi for commenting something on my Facebook. If he said I looked like a complete psycho in them, then fine, I can still deal with that. However, he also 'sort of' accused - either half-jokingly or for real - me for being an attention-craver. I've been terribly moody lately, so maybe it 'kind of' set me off. I've tried to give him the "You've-gone-too-far-with-your-idiotic-joke" hint. Too bad he couldn't take it. In fact, he got worse - up to the point where I had to tell him off: "Maybe it was you who crave for attention." And his response was: "I was just joking. Why so mad?" Why? Why?? Okay, here are the things I loathe the most: 1.To be called fat - especially by strangers (although yes, I'm a bit heavy by Southeast Asian standard.) 2.To be thought of a coward (eventhough I still get scared sometimes.) 3.To snitch, to be snitched on, and to be called a 'snitch'. Although I must admit that yes, there are times when snitching is (considered) necessary, I just don't find that noble. (But if it's case serious like domestic violence and bullying, then okay.) After all, we're more than entitled to defend ourselves, right? 4.To be called an 'attention-craver'. Ha-ha.*sneers* Are you seriously looking for a death-wish here? *deep sigh* Anyway, I'm not the only victim here. Long ago, I introduced my friend at work to Hardi's gang - hoping the two would've gotten along fine, since they both are smart, serious, and sensible. It turned out he'd been bashing her online too, and I felt sorry.:( And Gigi said she couldn't stand him anymore, which I don't blame her. Some people aren't just that sensitive to other people's needs... The Author

HELL HATH NO FURY...
A few days ago, one of my housemaids had suddenly gone psycho. Why? Well, it turned out that she'd been having problems long before she started working with my family. She used to work at Saudi Arabia, leaving her two kids and (unemployed) husband in Bumiayu. Sadly, she returned home to find her (ungrateful) husband...cheating on her. He's even planned to marry the other woman.*rolls eyes* :(... Should we even be surprised with her reaction? Imagine months of her pent-up anger, growing like cancer. When she finally couldn't take it anymore, she'd just explode. Like a freaking time bomb. I don't think I can really forget her ghostly, pale face. She looked dead, but she'd been screaming like a complete maniac that night. She even snapped at Mom and everybody else at home. She slapped the other maid's face for no reason. Fearing she might've possibly hurt other people, we had to lock her up in her room that night. Ganesh had to be evacuated soon to my cousin Shari's house - just a couple of blocks away. We also had to call the maid's family, and they sent her three brothers to take her home for good. We even had to use duct-tapes to tie her up and gag her mouth, before her brothers finally carried her out. It was freaky. Mom had been scared to death. She didn't want to deal with her anymore. She was even afraid to sleep alone that night.:( Dad was still at St.Carolus Hospital. ........................... Three nights ago, I went home late again. Through the front window, I saw G sitting in the living room with the lights on. He was watching TV while smoking. I entered the house through a side door to the kitchen. I saw a mice sneaking out, probably to steal some food. I hissed at it. "Sssh!" The mice fled. Then I heard Mom asking G in the living room: "What was it?" "I don't know." To my surprise, G opened the connecting door to the kitchen and froze when he saw me. He said nothing, and then simply went back in, closed the door, and told Mom: "Nothing." *blinks* Nothing??? I entered the living room, seeing G back on his previous spot. He barely looked up, his eyes glued to the TV screen. I went to my room. When Mom finally saw me, she was obviously startled. She said, "Oh, you're already home." "I've been," I replied calmly. "There was a mice at the kitchen and I just hissed at it." "That was you??" "Yeah. Didn't G tell you that?" She said nothing. ........................... A couple of days ago, I had a bad luck in the morning. No, scratch that. Twice a bad luck.:x I was walking down the street on my way to catch a bus to work, passing by two men squatting down on the parking lot. As usual, I choose to ignore men like that - the kind who love teasing women walking alone past them, only because they have nothing better to do with their luxurious spare time. "Going somewhere, kid?" And then, one of them was loud enough when he said to the other: "She's so fat." Not this morning, I thought as I stopped dead in my tracks. Then I paced back at them and stood facing them, my hands on my hips. I glared down at them. "What did you say?" They were stunned. "Uh, nothing." "WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY?!" Finally, the bigger one said: "Uh, I just said...err, you're just as fat as me." *raises my eyebrow* In my head, there was an image of me grabbing the front of his dirty shirt and punching him in the face until all of his teeth went flying out of his big, stupid mouth - along with his blood splatters. *big evil grin* But I just walked on. I was almost late for work anyway, so they were very lucky. Next time, no mercy.:x I hate this kind of men, to be honest with you. They still treat women like nothing more but mere objects. For example, if you're a bit heavy, they'll do what those two assholes had done to me. But if you're slim and (considered) picture-perfect, they'll start harassing you by either whistling or stupid name-calling. Why can't they just leave the women alone? Why won't they?? Why on earth are they being so bloody annoying and pathetic??? Don't they have anything else to do???? Seriously, these people need to get lives. Like, minding their own Goddamned business I don't need (and even want) to know, instead of rudely interfering with other people's. *scoffs* However, it didn't just stop there. There's this pretty wide sewer hole someone had to build a small, bamboo bridge over it. I was crossing there when suddenly there was this loud noise under my feet: CRACK! Oh, shit! I gasped as my left foot went into the new hole I'd accidentally created - up to my thigh. Luckily, my response was quick enough. My hands pressed against the bridge to hold my balance, my right knee bending. Panting heavily, I tried to pull left leg up, but it turned out that I was...stuck. Oh, why this morning? "Help!" I had to scream. "Somebody help me please!" A couple of men and a woman came out of one of the nearby houses and saw me. They rushed to my rescue. One of the men was carrying a saw. "Wait, wait!" he told me. "Don't move just yet. I have to saw the bamboo first." I helplessly obeyed. Guess what? To my embarrassment, he had to cut both bamboos that had pressed my leg tightly.*blushes* That bad, huh? When I was finally free and back on my two feet, the lady scrutinized my left leg and told me with genuine concern, "You might want to have it checked up by the doctor. Hopefully there's no sprain." "Okay, thank you very much." All in all, I was still lucky those two jerks weren't close enough to witness that. If they had been there too, I'm sure this what would've crossed their mind about their previous remark: 'Well-confirmed'. Ugh.*rolls eyes* :(... ........................... If the government wants to be more stupid about 'regulating' the not-so-important and unnecessary issues, they won't go anywhere with that.*scoffs* It's not about morals, so they should stop spreading bullshits that can piss so many citizens off. In the end, it's always about politics and cash.*scoffs* The Author http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2009/05/23/after-facebook-nu-targets-mobile-phone-calls-between-sexes.html

MOODY ME...:(
Honestly, besides that silly entry about caffeine addiction, I haven't really been writing anything else lately. Busy? Yes, but normally - no matter how I tend to be - I still try to find even just a bit of time to write. Tired? Maybe, but I usually refuse to use that as an excuse not to write. Not in the (right) mood?? Yeah, I guess that's why.:| But anyway, I'll try again for now. Dad's in the hospital again - this time St.Carolus in the centre of the city. Why?:( He refused to eat more for three days and Mom got so worried. We all know that the stubborn old man is so angry to have learnt that he is sick. But this attitude of his isn't solving the problem at all. Why can't he just accept that fact and start focusing more on getting better - even if it's still one baby step at a time? *deep sigh* Oh, well. Just who am I to say that anyway?:( That's not me lying there. Perhaps Hani's right: Dad's depressed. Btw, Daniel didn't show up at the gym last Sunday.:| Either he was busy or...already assigned in another country. (He's a pilot, remember?) If it were so, then too bad I didn't get a chance to know him more.:P Once again, this shows just how bad this tomboy is when it comes to dealing with...hunks. The Author

25 (OBVIOUS) SIGNS YOU'RE A CAFFEINE-ADDICT
1.The last time you drank coffee was 2 - 4 hours ago - and it wasn't your first cup in a day. 2.You constantly wish you could drink more than two cups a day - if only your intestines were strong enough. 3.What's the first drink you have in the morning? Yes, it's coffee. 4.You have a "coffee fan-club" at work. Well, sort of.:P 5.At the restaurant, your friends order nice-looking colourful smoothies, while you go for something dark and bitter. (Sometimes add a bit of sugar in it for once in a while.) 6.Cappuccino? Frappuccino? With cream? Black? Decaf? (Okay, scratch the last one.) You name it. You try it. Test which works better to help you to stay awake at night. 7."Coffee, coffee, COFFEE!!!" (Say it out loud, clear, and proud with your best, mad-scientist expression.*big evil grin*) 8.If you were filthy rich, you'd buy a Starbucks chain - or just hang out there everyday. 9.You start googling for more stories about...all kinds of coffee! 10.When you frequent your favourite supermarket, you often go straight to the coffee counter. 11.You have dozens of coffee sachets in your bag, like a smoker collecting nicotine patches. 12.No hot water? Iced-cappuccino will do. Iced-coffee? No problem too. 13.You're familiar with Nescafe, ToraBika, and even the famous Javanese "Kopi Tubruk" (even Jack Nicholson promoted that through his character in "The Bucket List".:P) 14.Your heart starts to work like an all-night disco for clubbers. 15.Number 14 leads to agitation. 16.You know most late-night TV shows, because you're always awake to watch them all - even if it's not the weekend. You don't even care if it's a re-run. 17.Your eyes just won't open/close at the right time. Your sleeping pattern is an absolute mess. 18.Soon, the normally two-cups-a-day portion doesn't work anymore. You just crave for...more. 19.You can't sleep when you want to. But once you do, it's a restless one. 20.You know human body needs proper rest, but there are times when you fear(or feel?) that too much sleep is a waste of time. 21.You start to wonder whether this addiction is actually your temporary escape from your real problem - too much stress, lack of time management??? 22.You can't remember the last time you had a really restful sleep. 23.In your Facebook profile, you write: "Coffee's my weapon. Exhaustion's my enemy. Insomnia's my companion." 24.Your hands are trembling. 25.You're either writing or reading (and acknowledging more than 10 points here) this somewhat ridiculous entry. After this, all you want is another cup of coffee before your favourite late-night TV sows - or to help you to finish your left-over from work. The Author

20 QUESTIONS (AND MORE)...
“20 QUESTIONS (AND MORE)…” By. RUBY ASTARI Your students are very smart that your lesson plans finish quickly before it’s time? What can you do to fill that one last day before Revision / Final Test? Maybe you can try playing “20 Questions (and More)…” How? Actually, this isn’t 100% original. Inspired a little by the already popular “Snakes and Ladders”, this game is suitable for reviewing all lessons before the tests. This is how we play it: 1. Prepare all the necessary tools, like: - A (big) dice. - Small, plastic and colourful bowling pins (according to how many students are in your classroom.) - Cue cards (according to the lessons and labeled in numbers.) 2. This game is suitable for 2 – 4 groups. But if your students are less than ten people, they can still compete against each other individually. 3. With board marker, teacher writes “start”, the numbers (from 1 to 20, or more if necessary), and then “finish” on each floor tile. All the pins must be put on “start”. 4. Students throw the dice. For example, if the number shows “3”, they must put their pin on the exact floor-tile. Then they must answer a question from the exact cue cards from the teacher. If their answer is correct, they can move their pin one step forward and get a score for their team/themselves. 5. If they can’t answer the question, their pin must stay on the same spot. They get no scores. 6. And if their answer is wrong, their pin has to move one step backward. They get no scores. 7. The first group/player who gets to the finish line gets extra five/ten scores and simply wins the game. This game is suitable for oral tests and TE lessons too. You’re welcome

WELL...???
This term is almost over. But, because of the lost two days (the Situ Gintung tragedy and the political election *rolls eyes*), I'm afraid I won't get enough term break after this. But then again, we'll never know. Poor Baby Ganesh was sick last weekend.:( I guess that's what can happen if the baby isn't physically ready for the outdoor atmosphere for too long yet. But don't worry, he's okay now.:) Oh, and speaking of Ganesh, Mom said something funny the other day: "He looks more like his aunt now!" *giggles* And you should've looked at G's expression when she said that.*big evil grin* I'd nearly cracked up laughing, because it was just hilarious!:P Tiger once suggested that I try to forgive G and everybody else at home. All my family? Of course, why not? The thing is, I'll do just most anything for Ganesh. He's still an innocent kid and I just love him. I can pretend that his dad and I get along just fine - for the little guy's sake. But it has to work both ways. You see, I can't do this alone. And no, that doesn't mean that I'm still holding grudges against him. What for? Useless. However, I'd like to play fair. You respect me, I respect you. You tolerate my space, then I won't even step on your territory if you don't want me to. You know, stuff like that. Very simple. I even tried to help. One morning, Mom asked me to help her and my sister to bathe Ganesh. G walked in and then stopped abruptly when he saw me. After that, he walked out again. Just like that.*shrugs* "Don't mind him," Gigi once told me. "You've been trying your best while he's just being...well, stubborn, selfish, and an old brat." *giggles* See?:P I'm not the one with the problem here (well, at least not anymore.) However, he still is - which is somewhat ridiculous and beyond silly. But hey, I'm not the kind to push people around and tell them what to do and how to behave. I don't get along well with bossy people myself, remember? So, there.:P I can't wait for the weekend to come again. Maybe I'll get to see Daniel at the gym again.*giggles* And I can't wait for another sunny June - and The Summer Son too...:P The Author

A "CHICK-FLICK" MOMENT :P
Let's just say I had sort of a "chick-flick" moment yesterday.:P How's that so? I'll let you know. I went to the gym as usual at three pm, and guess who showed up there as well? Daniel.:D Yes, it's the Iranian pilot again! He showed up thirty minutes after me. The good news? He still remembered me! (YAY!:D) He smiled and waved at me, and I called out a light "Hi!" with a smile in return. (I was still holding and pushing the bars of the stair-master thingy, so I couldn't wave back.) I'd almost not recognized him. First, it had been two weeks already since the last time we'd met. (And, not to mention, we've only met a couple of times - which is amazing that he still remembered me.:D) Second, it was his beard. (But I don't mind the beard, to be honest.*big evil grin*) Did we get to talk? Yes.:P But I knew I had to be more subtle. I know I'm a sucker for a towering, seriously good-looking guy with thick eyebrows and a very nice smile.*blushes* However, I didn't want it to be way too obvious to him. One false move, and he might thinking I'm either desperate, a psycho - or both. (YUCK!) I guess that's why I'm not good at this game.:( I mean, I'm sure my friends will tell me that it's hard to tell (from the way I act around guys) whether I'm really interested or just being...a casual tomboy. *sighs* Anyway, his right knee is fine, progressively healing. He started playing tennis too and soon he'll be swimming. And he's not a regular member. How did I know?:P A little peek at the front desk's logbook after I got out.*giggles* Anyway, we talked about jobs, life, families, healthier choices...all that came to mind, in such a short time, though. "I used to be a hundred kilos, but now I'm 84. I'm still working on to lose more..." Oh, but you've got warm chocolate brown eyes and an infectious smile... *gulps* Well, too bad I couldn't stay long.:( I hope I can see him again this weekend... *deep sigh* Last night, I went to my cousin Dimas Anggoro's wedding with Mom, my brother, and his girlfriend Dindi. It turned out that they had a bouquet-throwing session. Dimas' sister Nisye dragged me over to join the most eager catchers I'd ever seen in my life. Guess who caught the bouquet? Yes. Your guess is right.*big evil grin* "OMG! It's going to be you next." Uh-huh. Maybe. The question is: with whom?:P The Author

KISS THE RAIN...
It was raining quite a lot a couple of nights ago. I'd just gotten out of my favourite 'net-bar' at ten and had to wait by the front porch with some other people. It was windy too, but I didn't mind at all. I pretty much enjoyed the cool, soft sprinkles on my face. It felt really refreshing in this usually humid area. However, Mom complained about my late-night arrival at home again. (She still doesn't understand that it's the only quiet, peaceful "me-time" I can get these days.) She called me on my cellphone and I told her I'd had to wait for the rain to stop. She said okay and then hung up. The next thing I knew, she called back and told me to wait for my brother there. I just said okay and she hung up again. She knows I barely request for anyone to pick me up at night - especially these days. I guess parents just have to handle each child differently. Some still need extra attention, while others are okay to be left alone. Besides, I also enjoy my solitude. It helps me to think more clearly. It helps me to concentrate better. Well, to be honest, the last two times I'd really, really felt close to Mom were the time when I had to deal with the dentist...and Pumpkin's funeral last January. The rain also reminded me of Pumpkin's funeral. It had been raining too, until my old black shoes were caked with mud. (And I never wear them again.) I remember Mom calling my cousin Andin because I'd been too shocked by the news to even speak. Then she drove me over to Cinere, although she couldn't stay long because she had catering orders to handle. And that night too, I came home from the funeral in a cab - all soaked and wet from the rain. By the time I got home, Mom told me to change and consume aspirin and drink something warm immediately. (And I had.) After that, she asked me about Pumpkin's funeral. I couldn't keep my voice from shaking I started to cry again...for the third time that day. She only rubbed my back gently, telling me not to burden my best friend's spirit anymore with my grief over his death. She didn't hug me, though. But then, there have been hardly any hugs in my family - for as long as I remember. Then there was the deal with the dentist. She'd taken me there and warned me not to scream during surgery, before she left me with the dentist. But she also paid for my bills when she found out I didn't have enough in my ATM. (There weren't too many classes for me.) For the record, I never asked. Maybe the lesson is easier to understand here. Never, ever take things for granted. Sometimes it's a good thing for you not to get everything you want all the time. Because once you do get what you want, you'll get to appreciate it more. Take it while you still can. Enjoy while it lasts. After all, who can ever really promise forever here - much less tomorrow? A couple of nights ago, Pumpkin also came into my dream. Maybe he knew I was thinking of him, or maybe he was worried. It looked as if I was in our college reunion - somewhere in a large, brightly-lit room. I saw familiar faces everywhere - our old friends from the past. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and I answered it. He was standing tall right in front of me - all dressed in white and smiling at me. I'd never seen him look so happy. Then Pumpkin hugged me - just like old times, when all we'd ever had to do was worried about paper deadlines and whether we could get all A's on one last semester. However, I couldn't feel him this time. He felt more like a cool breeze to me. "You're not coming in?" I asked him, but he just smiled. I heard somebody in the room play his favourite Destiny's Child song. It was..."Survivor". Somehow, my dearest friend Pumpkin was trying to tell me something.:) And I think I know. I feel it... The Author

WAITING FOR THE SUMMER SON...
So, Nick's coming here on June 15. He'll be staying until August 9. Good.:D That means plenty of time to hang out together. I won't be able to join him and Hani for their adventure in Hani's hometown Magelang, though, but that's okay. Besides, I must also watch out for my working schedule too. The funny thing is, I feel more relaxed about his visit now. Maybe it's because he'll be staying much, much longer here than last year (only 13 days), so that'll be cool.:) In fact, I'm planning on where he might be interested to go and what he might be interested to try. Bandung? Bogor?? Hanging out with my friends??? Learning how to cook local food???? (Hani said he wanted to try that.) As long as it's fun. It's even better if it can help him with his book. (He's doing some research on Asian cultures.) And, if he ever wants to talk about 'us' (whatever that may mean), I'm ready. Let's make it clear and final, once and for all. Even if we can only be just friends in the end, at least it's still much, much better than being enemies. Right?? Either way, it'll still be another interesting tale worth writing for this year...;) The Author

THE SCARIEST NIGHTMARE
A couple of nights ago, I had another dream. A nightmare, actually. But no, it wasn't about Nick anymore. It was about Dad. In that dream, I was walking home from work at night. To my surprise, there was a big, gray bus parked in front of my house. Mom, The Almost Twins, and Baby Ganesh (in my sister's arms) were standing next to the bus. Even G was among them. They were waving at the bus. Curious, I came closer. I was quite stunned to see Dad sitting in the bus by the window. He was waving back at us with his left hand. (He still can't move his right one.) He was expressionless, but there was a tear in his eye. My heart started hammering inside me. "Mom." I tugged at her sleeve, but she wouldn't look at me. "Mom! Where are they taking him?" "To a better place," she said, almost dreamily. Her face was calm, almost cold, though. I looked back at the bus and noticed the other passengers. To my horror, they all looked old and unnaturally pale - almost ghostly. Their faces were also expressionless... That was when the bus started moving. "Wait!" I cried, trying to stop the bus by pounding on the side. It didn't stop and it picked up more speed. "Wait, where are you taking him?" The next thing I knew, the bus was roaring louder and moving even faster - leaving me chasing after it behind, screaming hysterically: "Come back! Where are you taking him? DADDY!" Then I woke up shaking. I couldn't help praying: Not too soon, God. Please...:( ........................... I don't dare tell my family about this. It was too scary. I know that I shouldn't be thinking too much about it and must keep reminding myself that it was just some silly dream. But I just can't get it out of my head yet. It was all too vivid. *deep sigh* Let's just hope it means the other way around, shall we? Maybe it means he'll be okay and healthy again. I mean, not all my dreams - scary or else - are the exact premonitions, although I've already had past experiences when some came true - just like some of Mom's. But no, I don't want it to come true - the way it did when I dreamed of my best friend Pumpkin saying goodbye to me. I'm sorry for not being that ready.:'-( The Author

RED ALERT!
There are things that still hang in my head these days. I sometimes have to debate myself whether I should write them in here or not. You know, I hate to sound so bloody pathetic. But this is always a good place when no one out there bothers to lend you their ears. Like I've said, you can only be your 100% self when you're all alone. I'm not always THAT strong, but I guess you can already tell.:( I am not kidding you all. Trust me, I hate that fact too. Honestly, I still think of that redhead. Who? Nick, of course. I even had a strange dream about him once, while I was sitting next to Dad at 4203. Why strange? Despite my restless sleep, I could still dream. In my dream, I was exiting 4203 after Dad was asleep. I saw him standing in the hall, staring at me. His smoky-blue eyes softened. His familiar sweet smile was more than I could bear. I wondered how he'd gotten in there, because stroke unit's access is restricted. You need a card for that. "How's your dad?" he asked softly. I just walked straight into his arms and he simply hugged me close. It was like a year ago in that sunny June, when things had gotten really stressful at home and he'd been there to make me feel better...happier, to be exact. I could even still remember his scent... Then I woke up at three a.m. Dad was wide awake too. He was staring at me. I stared back at him and sighed. Believe it or not, I ended up telling him one simple, most honest thing I really felt that night: "Daddy, I miss Nick. I miss him so much. None of you at home seemed to notice that, so I'm telling you this right now." ........................... :'-( He didn't reply, though. Of course he still couldn't. It still takes a long time for his speech and physical therapy. I cursed myself for having that dream, and for even burdening him with that. A quiet ward at midnight was all I needed to escape for a while. Escape from where? Home. (And they say home is where the heart is. 'Home sweet home', the way it is permanently carved in your door-mat.:P) I've actually tried to tell my best friend this last night, but he simply cut me off and told me not to bother so much with that. Well, that's okay.*shrugs* I'd just thought that - of all the people in the world - he was the one who'd understand this more. I mean, I knew he did. And I knew he cared. Maybe he just didn't have the time for that. I can understand that. I can live with that. In fact, I have been. That's why I need to stay numb for a while. Until when? Only God knows. I don't care. Whatever. And Hani shouldn't have apologized for being much 'closer' to Nick than he and I used to be. The three of us are good friends. I don't own him. He's not even my boyfriend, remember? I must be sensible about this. Besides, I've been busy lately. I don't get a chance to go online as much as I usually do. And I know Hani. But, even if they ever end up together, then it's not my business, right? I'd rather see them walk off than staying with me but unhappy. She said he might be coming over again this summer, and then planning to see Magelang with her. Very well. I'll see what I can do. It would be great if the three of us - maybe four, if Mbak Bina is available too - could go together, like friends do to have fun. No problem. Besides, she also said that he wanted to explain something to me. What is it about? No idea yet. I'll just have to wait. And why hasn't he told me that himself? Well, we're about to find out when he gets here. Soon, I hope - just to make it more clear...and final. The Author

ONE WEEK...
Alright, I've been missing a week without writing anything in here, so here we go: April 19: My sister's 29th birthday. My brother was cool enough to buy her a wallet and signed the card from both of us, while I was busy taking care of Dad. (But I still did wish her a happy birthday!) It was also BuMa's 9th birthday. What's "BuMa"? It stands for "Bunga Matahari" (The Sunflower). It's a local, online poetry community where my best friend Hani is a member.:) She invited me over on their special celebration at "Es Teler 77", Blok M, South Jakarta - from three to seven. (And her sister Ragil went there too with us.) And it was amazing.:D There were lots of fun poetry sessions, of course. And musical performances too. It was the perfect event for my wretched soul lately. It was a great therapy for me.:) I did some poetry reading myself on stage: "MENGAPA SAYA TAK INGIN MENJADI PUTRI TIDUR" Saya tak pernah bermimpi menjadi seorang putri raja. Mau tahu kenapa? Saya terlalu gagah perkasa! Saya juga ogak kehilangan hari-hari sesuram bulan maupun secerah mentari di atas kasur apak yang tahunan tak tercuci. (Hiii!) Kelopak mata ini 'kan memberat. Jiwa ini bisa tua dan sekarat. Otak pun berkarat. Mental tak lagi kuat. Saya tak mau menunggu pangeran. Buat apa? Percuma! Buang-buang waktu saja! Saat ini, saya tidak butuh ciuman tapi tamparan dan tendangan supaya saya sadar sebelum penonton bosan dan keburu bubar. Tolong, bangunkan saya! (WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE A SLEEPING BEAUTY I've never dreamed of being a royal princess. Want to know why? I'm too robust! I also refuse to lose the days under the gloomy moon or a shining sun on this smelly, unwashed bed for years. These eyelids can grow heavier This soul might age and wither This brain could go rusty along with weakened mentality. I'm not waiting for a prince. What for? Useless! What a waste of time! These days, I don't need a kiss but a slap in the face and a kick so I'll soon realise before the audience get bored and leave their seats. Please wake me up!) I also enjoyed a special acoustic performance by a great, local indie musician named Anda. His song from his album "In Medio" called "Cukup Dalam Hati" (Just Inside Your Hearts) really brought tears to my eyes. I met one of my old college professors Djoko Anwar. He works for a local TV station and was covering the event with his crew. He still remembered me, which was good.:) He's one of the most artistic characters I truly admire. April 20: My nephew Ganesh Narendra Putra Hardianto was born at 4:36 am at Asih Hospital, Blok M, South Jakarta.:D He was 20.4 inches and about 7.7 lbs. April 21: Dad and Ganesh checked out of the hospital. April 22 - 23: Work, work, work. I was seriously drowning.:| April 24: Hanging out with Gigi and Fitri Gustav at Cilandak Townsquare, right after work. We had dinner at "Secret Recipe". (And once again, they didn't have the carrot slice cake I'm missing a lot.:|) I ended up buying Anda's CD "In Medio" and a novel - "Dewey" by.Vicki Myron. It's a real-life story of a cat named Dewey.:) April 25: So tired. Cancelled my swimming plan.:( TODAY: Working out at the gym and swimming with Gigi. Talking to a nice Iranian guy (but an Australian resident since he was four) pilot named Daniel.:) Hope we'll get to meet at the same place next week - same time too.:P Too bad Gigi's friend T-Bone didn't make it to Bintaro Plaza to hang out with us. Oh, well. Maybe next time... The Author

SILENT ANGER (ONCE AGAIN)...
My mood swing has gone terrible lately. There are times when I feel like exploding with rage, and there are times when I just feel...numb. These days, I enjoy solitude even more. I need to think without so much noise around me. I found my blue hat.:) Thank God. It turned out that one of the staff at that 'net-bar' found it somewhere under the seat I'd taken once and then returned it to me when I went there the last time. How's Dad? Thank God, he's finally conscious again. The last time I saw him, he could finally smile at the people visiting him.:) Good. Okay, there are a few good things in my life I haven't had a chance to write in here lately: 1.I stopped biting my nails - again. YIPPEE!!!:D How? Remember my dreadful toothache for three weeks back then? Somehow, it cured me off my bad habit. And speaking of that: "Tiger, how about you?" *big evil grin* 2.I've passed my FCE Final Test.:D And the score is: B. I know, I must also do something serious about my situation at home lately. Of course, I'm talking about G.:| I don't know just what the hell his problem is with me. He keeps on snitching to Mom - and his wife(my sister) too - for whatever the hell I do that simply displeases him.*scoffs* Don't ever expect me to respect him, then. He's not even acting like a real man at all.*rolls eyes* It got so bad once that I wrote on my Facebook status: "If you're man enough, say it to my face. Don't hide behind your woman." Ha-ha.*sneers* What a joke. You know, I let him do whatever the hell he likes around my family and at home. I never say anything about it to my family. (Well, except Menti - but she doesn't live with us.) He hates me for being noisy while he's asleep, but - guess what? He was doing the same thing to me himself one night while I was asleep after staying up late for Dad at the hospital.:( And guess what? Menti just heard one of his 'tales' about me again the last time she and I met at the hospital. She said he'd sent a text message to my sister one night. She said he'd told her that he couldn't stand watching TV with me, because I was always commenting. A bloody noisy sister-in-law, that's what he thinks of me now.*sneers* Want to know the real story? We weren't watching TV together that night. We just happened to be in the same room, but he was working on his baby bed. I was watching "Heroes" myself, and most of my comments were - indeed - merely a whisper. I wasn't really shouting, okay? And speaking of that, what about him? He shouts too whenever he plays PS in the living room. What makes him think I don't notice that? I never say a word. Let him do what he likes. Once again, I just want him to leave me alone. Just like that. Very simple. But the good thing was, my sister unusually stood up for me that night. She'd calmly told him: "You know that's just how she is. Why make a fuss about it? If you couldn't stand her, then why didn't you just move to another room?" ........................... I know that wasn't really a good way to defend a sister, but at least it was better than nothing. And she was right. After all, who is he anyway? I've been living there much longer than he is.*rolls eyes* My friends say I must talk to my family about this, before I might explode anytime soon. But how? Will they even listen to me now? The Author

A TRIP TO BOGOR AND A GHOST IN MY ROOM
Alright. As promised, here we go.:) This is an entry about a fun trip out of town...and a ghost entering my room at night. And I am not kidding about the last one.:P It was a bright Friday morning.:D I anxiously waited for Mom in 4203. Lack of sleep? No problem.*shrugs* I'd been waiting for this trip. I could handle it.;) When Mom finally came at night, I prepared myself. Unfortunately, since there are about half a dozen of patients in 4203, I couldn't possibly hog the entire bathroom all to myself. I mean, I can't. So, I made quite a radical solution for my unusual situation. I rushed downstairs and used a public restroom.:| No joke. I'd practically flooded one stall. ........................... And I can't believe that I really wrote this down here - which, I did.*blushes* Oh, well. Besides, it wasn't something I'd do everyday.:P But still, it was quite an embarrassing experience. I somehow felt a bit like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal". Sorry, janitors.:( I didn't mean to give you extra work that day! Anyway, after that, I returned upstairs to say bye to Mom. This year, we gave her a pair of cool shoes for her birthday. (My sister - who knows and understands fashion much better than I do - chose them.) Even my brother's girlfriend Dindi gave Mom a nice pashmina. I left the hospital and caught the first taxi I saw. "To Lenteng Agung, train station, please," I ordered and the driver obeyed. It was still a bright, beautiful morning - so I didn't mind him being a bit chatty. He wondered about the reason behind my destination that day and I told him why. "Oh, I'm from Bogor too, btw," he let me know. "Never visit The Main Garden with your boyfriend or girlfriend - or you might break up with them." "Uh, why?" Okay, that was something new I'd just heard. I didn't know that. "I don't know." He shrugged. "I just know it happens." Ah, so it's a myth.:P An urban legend. Interesting.*big evil grin* "But my uncle married his second wife there," I lightly argued. "They're still together and happy." "Well, perhaps in some cases." And the discussion just stopped right there. That was okay. I didn't want to pursue it any further. I arrived at Lenteng Agung at nine. I bought a ticket and waited for the train. It came in ten minutes. I claimed the closest seat and started reading SPICE! Time to enjoy the journey. I got to the train station in Bogor at ten to ten. Both Viona and Lisa texted me, saying they were going to be late. Lisa needed to go somewhere else first, while Viona said the train from Gambir to Bogor started at eleven. Okay. I decided to wait at Dunkin Donuts, ordering iced coffee. Time to write while waiting for them. Lisa showed up at around 11:20. Since she's the Bogor resident, she knows more about the myth involving dating at Kebun Raya Bogor (Bogor's Main Garden). She even told me how she and her last ex had broken up after that one last date there. "Ookay." I raised an eyebrow. "What're we gonna tell Viona and John?" That would be a problem. John's American. I've known all my America friends are mostly rational and not into superstitions. (Like Patrick, when he once challenged the Javanese myhtical Queen Kidul by wearing all green in Pelabuhan Ratu.:O He even dragged his friends along, because I saw their picture.) Well, anyway - that would be Lisa's job, not mine.:P After all, she was the tour guide of the day anyway. Viona and the lads finally showed up at 11:45. Their fellow was a forty-something British lad named Marcus. He seemed quiet and tad serious (I hope it has nothing to do with him majoring in philosophy like he'd said he was.) But at least he could still smile.:) Both John and Viona just laughed at the myth.:P Well, I surely hope they're still together after this. It was a fun day. Five of us went to The Main Garden and had late lunch at MP (Macaroni Panggang - panggang means 'baked'.) Then we did some shopping at the local factory outlets. I love The Main Garden.:D It's the kind of place where I can be alone in peace. Sadly, I didn't get the chance to take Nick there.:( I'm sure he'd love it. The air was also much better than in Jakarta. Less polution. Much fresher. There are so many plants in the area I'm afraid I can't remember their latin names are. I could sit on one of those wooden benches by the lake and just...write. Very nice. And I also love seeing John and Viona together.:) Somehow, in this world of (more often bitter) reality - I want their love story to have a happy ending. I really do. They look like a poster couple (and I don't mean to sound envious nor cynical, because it's just the truth.) John's tall, lean, and handsome - with soft brown hair, thick eyebrows (*gulps*), brown eyes, and a nice smile. He looks and acts boyish too. (Viona said he's actually 34, but he still looks 28 to me.) But no, that's not why I liked him right off from the beginning. Many people still think I'm such a gullible, naive child - but I've already seen the way he treats my friend. :) The signs are positive: He's a (good) man in love. He really loves her. I'm sure he'd even die for her. It's so dead obvious. It's just something I rarely get to see these days. And he sort of reminds me of Tiger too, on the personality case, that is. I guess that's why I want him to be happy too. He's a great person.:) Viona's very lucky.:) Honestly, I envy her a little. Even a tomboy like me, I must admit, would like a prince charming too. Well, she's found hers. I'm not too crazy about having someone who would die for me, although I'm pretty sure I'd die for that one particular person instead. The crazier thing is, I'm not sure he'd do the same for me. Most of the time, it's always been that way.*shrugs* That's just how my reality works. I'm not that special. Well, and another thing about John: he loves Mom's macaroni schotel.:D He kept telling me that during lunch. The one we ordered (with mushrooms and blocks of cheese in it) was also yummy. But he said Mom's was still better. My pink polo shirt was grossly sweaty, so I ended up buying a new brown shirt and changed into it soon. Lisa was the only one who didn't shop for any. John bought some shirts for work too. When he saw me walking out of the store in my new tee, he grinned and joked: "Wah, baju baru! Bayar dulu." (Wow, a new outfit! Pay first.) "Pssst!" I hissed back, also jokingly. "Don't spoil my escape plan." *giggles* We finally parted back at the train station at sometime around 5:30 pm. It took an hour for me to get back to Lenteng Agung. The sky was already dark outside the window. I was sitting in total silence when Mom suddenly called. "Are you home already?" "No, I'm still on the train." I scanned my surroundings and my face almost got hit by a rubber ball some kids were playing with. "Why?" "Nur said she saw you at home, already in your purple gown and heading into your room. She said she'd said bye to you." "No, I'm still on the train," I repeated, feeling a bit annoyed with Mom's persistence. I mean, why would I lie to her? I checked my watch. It was 6:30 pm. "Okay." Then she hung up. Later, I heard the story from Nur herself. (She's Mom's catering and kitchen staff at home too - part-time, though.) After she'd finished work at 6:30, she suddenly saw me (or my Dopple Ganger??:P) in the living room, wearing my favourite purple sleeping gown (which is actually an oversized tee.) She said bye, but I - or my 'dead-ringer' - didn't respond, just walking into my room and closing the door. ........................... *shudders* Oookaay... I didn't do much yesterday. And I'm still tired today.:( Thank God it's my brother's turn to night-watch Dad in 4203. Enough said.*yawns* The Author

A NOTE FROM 4203 AND DUNKIN DONUTS
It's been quite some time since the last I wrote in here. Days seemed to fly. I lost my one and only blue hat on Monday night at my favourite 'net-bar'.:( After that, I got a seriously early wake-up call at three a.m. My very pregnant sister (she's due in less than 37 weeks!) burst into my room and said something about Mom and my brother taking Dad to hospital because of the stroke. G couldn't come because he had work to do. And I vaguely remembered that I'd mumbled okay. Then she closed the door. Somehow, it took an hour for me to finally register the message in my head. At first, I'd thought it was only a strange dream. When I finally woke up, it was four a.m. I looked at the clock and blinked. Then I got out and checked my brother's room. He wasn't there. I checked my parents'. They weren't there either. Then I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I stayed up in the living room, turning the TV on, and walking back and forth like your cliche anxious character in movies. When my sister finally came out of her room, she repeated her message to me and I just nodded. Strangely, I still managed to attend the internal training at ten in Pancoran. But I could barely concentrate. After that, I decided to stop by at the hospital for a while. I just wanted to see how Dad was doing so far before I went to work. He was stable.:| Good. Since most of the relatives and friends were there, I took off. Work was a bit disastrous that Tuesday. I ended up crying after class - after all students had gone. I was very tired and worried sick. I couldn't concentrate. The good thing was, everybody at work understood when I told them about Dad. Jules even insisted that she drop me off herself at the hospital later on.:) The first night I watched for Dad in 4203 wasn't easy. Dad kept wanting to take off the catheter out of his nostril. I had to drank black coffee to help me to stay awake. Yuck! And another stroke patient in the same room kept groaning and moaning all night long. It was creepy, because he reminded me of the late Grandma Uti years ago. She died after six months of stroke. I could only sleep for about two hours. By the time Mom came at ten, I quickly went home. Thank God! Wednesday sped by in a blur. Ignoring my exhaustion, I went to a local radio station to drop my CV. (Jules had told me that they were looking for a new announcer. She'd thought I should've given it a try and of course, why not?) But, to my surprise, they apologized to me - saying that they were actually looking for a male announcer (although Jules later told me that they didn't specify that in their ad. How strange.) Okay. I just shrugged, saying no biggie. However, they still kindly accepted my CV and said they'd let me know when they need me. One of the male participants that day walked out with me and jokingly said, "That was quite a gender discrimination, don't you think?" "Nah," I replied with a smirk. "It's just much easier for them to find more 'talented' women than men." He cracked up laughing and I just kept on grinning, satisfied with my witty response. Hehe.*big evil grin* After work, I returned to the hospital. It was my brother's turn to night-watch, so I went home with Mom, my sister, and...G.:| Oh, well. No choice. I was too tired anyway. (I'd made an agreement with my brother not to let Mom do the night-watching, since her condition is more fragile.) I know that most pregnant women are more sensitive than usual, so it was no surprise to see my sister cry when she looked at Dad. But G?? Ugh, he kept on teasing her mercilessly about it!*rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah, he was just being a guy - not an understanding and supportive husband he should've been. (And a father-to-be too!) How insensitive.*scoffs* And guess what? He was also smoking next to her during dinner. What was he thinking?? *deep sigh* But anyway, I was too tired. Whatever. I just desperately needed my sleep. After election, I returned to the hospital on Thursday. It was my turn to night-watch again. Dad was mad at me because I scolded him for taking off the damn catheter again. I had to call the nurse to have it put back on. Yesterday was Mom's birthday.:D Happy birthday, Mommy! I also had a fun trip to Bogor with my friends (a perfect temporary getaway from my situation these days!:D), but I'll let you know more about that in another entry. Hopefully soon. The Author

THE OKAY WEEKEND
Surprisingly, I met Nick online again a couple of nights ago.:D It's been a long while since he and I chatted. I've missed him so. And he said he'd missed me too.:) But the good thing is, he sounded happy. Hani said he's enjoying his life now. He's doing a project with his friend Andy. He's writing a book about cultures, and his friends will be doing the graphic illustrations. Nice. I can smile at that.:) We're still good friends after all. I'm glad that he's finally found a goal to achieve. Then, what about me? I didn't do much last weekend. Mom asked me to accompany her to Mayestik to shop for Grandpa's weekend meals. She bought me two pair of canvas sneakers.:) I didn't ask, but she did anyway. It's just one of those rare occasions when G's not getting in between. I didn't care that I had to lift some heavy shopping bags for her. I mean, I occasionally do - almost the way my brother does. Maybe it's because I'm a tomboy.:P There are times when she treats me a bit more like a son. I mean, I'm the one who's taught her (and my brother) about the bus routes - and how to survive alone in the streets of Jakarta without a car...*shrugs* The Author

LEAVE.ME.ALONE!!!
We've finally got news about Mada yesterday. Panji, one of the boys in my five o'clock class, said he'd watched the afternoon news. He saw Mada's picture and name. No, he didn't make it.:| Another young soul passed away. ........................... *deep sigh* But the good thing is, another student named Tasha survived.:) I know her too. She's a friend of Vani and was in the same class before. She's a fan of Avenged Sevenfold. Most guys in her class love teasing her until she goes red in the face and protests, but I know the boys actually care about her. They're her good friends. It's been a week since the disaster in Situ Gintung. A whole week of flying dust aall around Ciputat area, so my allergy's been kicking in like crazy.:| I've bought Actifed to help me to get rid of the dust in my throat. Itchy.:( So far, it only makes me feel sleepy. Do you think it's dangerous for me to mix it up with coffee?:P And I can't believe that I'm saying this once again: G was acting out...AGAIN! (Huh, again??) Yes, again! GRRH!!:x Okay, it happened yesterday morning. I woke up early to prepare for the day. Then I relaxed for a while. With my brother, we were watching the re-run of "Dude, Where's My Car?" on TV and laughing. (Okay, I know it's a stupid, senseless comedy.) I was sure that we were laughing equally hard, but suddenly my sister burst out of her room and glared at me. Note this again: ONLY at me. "****, stop shouting!" she snapped at me. "My husband's still asleep and now he's mad at me!" Then she left without another word. My brother and I fell silent. I was too shocked to respond. WTF?!:x By the time everyone was away - except Dad and...ugh, him, of course - I dragged a chair against the floor as loud as possible. Screeech! Whatever. I did that on purpose. Then I went to my room, let the door open, and cranked up my Hoobastank CD!*big evil grin* I didn't care. Call me childish or anything. It was nine o'clock in the morning, for God's sake! It's also my house. I've lived there long enough even before he ever stepped in. Just what the fuck was his problem anyway? He had a night-shift at work before? Well, so do I - almost every freaking day! Why doesn't he get some sleeping pills or ear plugs for that? Besides, was he too much of a coward to just come right out and say it straight to my face?? Why does he always need 'messengers' for that? What is he - some sort of an emperor-wannabe? How bloody pathetic! First, he's always been hiding behind Mom - and now my sister??*sneers* Can I still call him a real man??? Can I still even consider him a man at all?? What's next, then? He'll start alienating Dad and my brother to go AGAINST ME?! WHAT??! Oh, wait. I forgot. He already has. He's practically controlling my family under his freaking thumb!:x But he can't control me.*sneers* He can't 'touch' me. I won't let him. I'll never let him tell me what to do in my family's house - where I grew up. I mean, look. After all these years, G is still a fucking coward when it comes to talking to me. What more can I say? Oh, yeah. There are lots. He always smokes at the dining table after dinner while I'm still eating, but I never let out a protest. He laughs like a 'Buto Ijo' (a Javanese ogre, haha!) but I say nothing. He hogs the TV in the living room all to himself, I simply escape to my room. It's just that simple. Let him have it. I can survive alone at my own, private 'sanctuary' - either with a radio or a book or even both. And guess what? After my family's car was stolen, he's planning to get a dog - eventhough I'M ALLERGIC TO ANIMAL HAIR! Don't get me wrong, I still love cats and dogs, but that's not the point. He has a full-time job at the TV station. (Does he expect other people at home to take care of it while he's away???) Now who's not being considerate enough here? Me??? I've accepted the fact that my sister will always be the (more) precious, darling daughter. I've been trying not to bother too much about him while he's around too. Let him do whatever the hell he likes. Let him have all the special 'priviledges' he thinks he deserves. Let Mom keep thinking - no, believing - that G is the most perfect son-in-law she's ever found here on earth. Frankly, I've had enough of that whole shit already. I'm fucking tired here. I can always just keep quiet and bury the hurt inside. That's all I ever do these days. Pretending. It's always been me and my personal business these days. That's it. But sadly, he just won't quit bugging me, will he?:( He thinks I'll soon joining the others in praising him. He thinks I will easily obey him like they do. Well, that's not going to happen, ever. This is not how to earn (my) respect. He can always kiss up to Mom and everybody, but just NOT me. No fucking way. I just want him to leave me alone. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. But if this keeps happening, I'm the one who must leave A.S.A.P. My friend Shanti said it's the nature's law already - that in-laws don't always get along under the same roof. Gigi and Jules worry about me, because I somehow switch personality in the less normal way these days. A quiet girl among the family, the real me in public... I can't stay here any longer.:( I must leave...permanently. That's why I'm still searching for a morning job besides teaching in the afternoon and the evening. I need to escape... The Author

MISSING...
We were one student short in my five o'clock class yesterday. Rico, one of the boys there, said he was still (reported) missing. His house is - was - near the river. And I'm confused whether I should use present or past tense here.:| I only met that kid once last week on Tuesday. His name is - was - Mada. He was probably still in junior high school. (Much younger, eh?) A quiet kid, that was my first impression about him. *deep sigh* Things are still pretty gloomy at work. They've placed Vani's picture on the memorial wall for everyone to see. Honestly, I can't bear to look at it, but I have no choice.:| The students are also not as cheerful as they normally are. They're young, but I can tell they're not ignorant. They think about it too. Some people they know are either gone or still missing. As I look at their attendance lists, I can't help but silently wishing: No more. No more, please...:( The Author

SHORT-LIVED...:(
Another bad news at work. One of the students was also a victim in the flood last Friday. Her name is - was - Vani Oktaviani. I know her. I mean, I knew her. I once taught her. She'd shown up late and her attendance record was pretty low. I believe she was actually smart. She just needed to pay more attention. But she still wanted to talk.:) Her English was fluent enough. They said the entire family were swept away by the flood.:( Her father was the only one alive, because he'd been in Semarang when that happened. One of Vani's friends (who'd also attended her funeral last Saturday) told me that the poor old man was still very sad...and depressed. He's a senior director for a local TV station. They said he wished he could've joined his loved ones too. *deep sigh* She was still a teenager. But once again, we'll never know... "We still believe life is forever, 'though the young souls do wither. We bid our last goodbye to our beloved friend Vani. May your peaceful soul fly and rest in after-life's eternity..." The Author

EIGHT DAYS...
I meant to write sooner, but I've been busy. It's cliche, I know. So, this is going to be a long entry. Last Sunday, last week: We've got robbed again for the fifth time in our history life.:| What was lost this time? Our family old, silvery black Toyota. (The license plate number is: B 1488 BZ.) It was approximately gone at about four or five in the morning (or at least that's what the police said during quick reconstruction at the crime scene: our driveway.) This time, I had to agree with Mom. If G hadn't flashed his press pass at the precinct, the cops wouldn't have taken our report seriously. Maybe it has something to do with the media power.*shrugs* Nothing went on that much after that. My brother went to Bandung to catch up with his old school pal Ari. I hung out with my pal Hani and her sister Ragil at Monas for a while. I tried writing an article while the sisters joined the local activists to celebrate "World Water Day". The street performers were amazing. I love urban poetry, music, and play in one.:) They were incredibly talented and creative. Last Monday: It was my first day at work. I visited the dentist's before my first class. She removed the stitches in my gum and...ouch, that still hurt.:( I was still bleeding too, eventhough just a little. She'd just advised me to keep re-practicing with my mouth. (Open, hold it with a spoon for twenty seconds, then close it again. AAARGH!:O) One student gave me an interesting point of view when we discussed about celebrity. I'd asked the whole class: "Who wants to be a celebrity? Why, or why not?" "I want to be a celebrity, because - in this country - celebrities get more respect than smart people do." Double ouch.:( How young they are to have learned such brutally ironic reality. (Now I know why political parties are recruiting celebrities to get more votes these days. Ugh!:|) It was like a personal slap in the face. "Will I succumb to what's making me dumb?" ("Just A Girl" - No Doubt) "Well," I finally came up with a suggestion. "Why don't you be a SMART celebrity instead?" Last Tuesday: As promised, I helped Lisa by becoming a jury for her school's spelling bee competition on Wednesday morning in Parung-Bogor. That's why I came home with her that night after work. It was a pretty long journey on a bus. Lisa lives with her mother. She's a very nice old lady.:) They seem very close too. (And I silently wondered about Mom and me.:|) Last Wednesday: What a long day!*huffs* Lisa's mother cooked me delicious fried rice - which reminded me of Grandma's old recipe. (I suddenly missed her too.:|) Then we headed to the school, meeting Shanti on the way. It's actually an Islamic dormitory for boys - so there are no female students there, but there are female teachers. The place is nice. The students are creative too. For the competition that day, they invited other schools nearby - so there were a few female students too that day.:P All in all, it was a pleasant and interesting experience.:) I made a pretty good team with Shanti. Last Thursday: A public holiday. No work. YAY!:D I only went to the gym with Gigi today. Last Friday: No work again today.:( The electricity in the entire Ciputat area just went out. The traffic was even worse. Why? Another national disaster occured, downhill behind my office building. The dam in Situ Gintung broke after the rain and the river overflowed. It wasn't just flood, they said. It was the small tsunami. Houses were ruined. The last time I checked there with Gigi, over fourty bodies had been found. Some were still unidentified. A community college next to where I work became overcrowded with people. There were bright yellow body-bags everywhere - some carried by the men. People were screaming and crying. A SAR helicopter was flying above the perimeter. Ambulances, police cars, and even the army trucks were everywhere. There were exhausted volunteers. We could see thick, brown mud as deep as the soles of your adult-sized shoes. In the end, with Gigi and Fitri Gustav, we bought supplies from the closest supermarket for the victims to survive. A lot of people were doing that. I know that they need more clean water, eventhough it's in plastic bottles. We couldn't go home right away. The girls suggested that we escape to Poins Square for a while for some ice cream and I agreed. It was a good thing that they both ride motorcycles and Gigi always brings a spare helmet for her passenger.:) Honestly, I envy them sometimes.:| Mom will freak out if I ever ride on one, so I must live alone first before getting my own. Gigi and I accidentally ran into a couple of political candidates from 'The Democratic Party'.:P I knew what they were up to. Their programmes sounded convincing enough (to raise the nurses' salary, to provide more free access to education for all children and women, etc.) But when I asked them about The Stupid Bill (UU APP), their reaction was equally lame.:| First, the lady (a middle-aged local TV actor) didn't specifically answer my question and ended up bitching about other female celebrities on TV infotainment with their 'outrageously vulgar' (her words, not mine!*scoffs*) clothes and behaviour. Gotcha. Her insecurity was dead obvious.*rolls eyes* And the dude...man, he was being so typically shallow and hard-headed. His comment about things that can arouse lust (his own, I'm afraid) sounded beyond hypocritical. He even still used the word "porno-action" (which is stupid and nonsensical. It's not even in any dictionaries, unless if the writer is too stubborn and stupid at the same time. Enough said.) I knew that I couldn't resist the repulsed look on my face that actually meant: "Just save it for the shallow idiots out there, because I'm not interested." Gigi noticed my winced expression too. (I know, I know. I'm a lousy actor and a short-lived diplomat.:P) But somehow, I could still manage a (fake) smile and accept their card politely. No, I refused to give them my number in exchange. And if they were visually perspective enough, they could tell my answer.*sneers* Both Gigi and Fitri G wondered why I didn't (want to) argue with them, challenging their flawed opinions. No, I didn't want to waste my time with any of them. Do you know what I normally do when I'm too tired to argue? I keep quiet, but that doesn't mean I agree with them.:| Passive resistance? Well, yeah. You may call it that. After all, they can't push me. Btw, Mom summoned Dear Brother to pick me up at Poins Square that day. How did I know? He suddenly called my cellphone and offered me a ride home. And of course, I said yes. I was already sick of public transportations that day. Mom always does that. She knows I rarely ask for a lift home whenever I'm out there on my own and far away from home. I mean, I'm more of a street-drifter these days. She knows that if I can still go home alone, I will. I can still survive a long walk or in crumpy old buses. Yesterday; I went to a classical piano recital with Shanti at the hall in D-Best, Fatmawati, South Jakarta. It was pretty relaxing, almost therapeutic.:) I also met Uncle Iwan Bagoes with his two teenage kids Danes and Anissa. They were performing too.:D Hani insisted that I notify Nick that I was fine, because he was dead worried since he'd read the news about the flood. He knows it's near where I work. Awww, Nick-ku...:) Today: I bought newspaper today. 98 casualties have been found in Gintung disaster, while over 102 are still reported missing...:( The Author

NEXT WEEK'S PLANS
How was the oral exam? It was quick. It only took fifteen minutes. Ross, the interviewer, was witty. Marty and I were doing great together.:) Nobody panicked or anything. We were a good team. *deep sigh* Now I can relax a little. I'm still thinking about treating myself with some ice cream (but maybe minus the chocolate chips for now.:P) I need to finish some writings too, and it's not just at work. I need to be more productive. I've got a new responsibility: the company's new mailing list moderator for teachers and students. Let's see how I'll maintain that. Lisa asked me to help her to be one of the jury for her school's spelling bee contest on Wednesday morning at eight in Bogor. Good.:) I haven't really been out of town in ages. And next Thursday is also a public holiday. Yay!:D The Author

BEFORE ANOTHER EXAM...
Here I am again tonight, back at Uncle Asoka's place in Warung Buncit, South Jakarta. Aunt Ria's also coming from Bandung to stay overnight here. My head feels like exploding. No, I'm not fretting too much about the FCE Oral Exam tomorrow at ten. Marty will be my partner and he said relax. That's why I'm not really studying anything.:P I'm just reading Karen Rose's "I'm Watching You". (And I wonder why there are sooo few Indonesian authors write thriller like this one.:| Hmm, I should be the one - soon, I hope.) I must return to the dentist's on Monday at four pm to have the stitches removed. The problem is, I have a class to teach at five. That's why I've warned everybody at work today - just in case I can't make it on time. But I hope I will, since the hospital is pretty close to where I work. (And I also hope the traffic won't be so bad.) I know that I always have other things to think about in my head. But for now, I'll just leave them all behind - right in the back of my mind. Good. That means my mind's filter's working properly.:P The Author

THE SCARIEST DENTAL EXPERIENCE
I hope I'll never, ever have to do it again. It was the scariest dental experience I've ever had in my life. It made me wish I hadn't watched "Dr.Giggles" as a child.*shudders* And why did the orthodontist have to wear glasses? I mean, I could practically see everything through the reflection.:O The whole process, from the tools they were poking into my open mouth, my bleeding gum... Okay, I know that was gory.:( So, the short version is, she (and the nurse) had to drill into the annoying (but perfectly beautiful) wisdom tooth and crack it into. Then they had to pull them out - piece by piece. After that, my wounded gum had to be stitched for a week. (That means I'll have to return there to have it removed on Monday.) For this entire week, I must be extra careful with what I consume. I drink lots and lots of cold water to stop the bleeding. (Yuck!) I'm still eating soft stuff, because it still hurts to chew. It hurts to open my jaw completely, so that's why I've been talking less this week. Just entertaining myself with David Cook's album without singing along to it. Just finishing the three new mystery novels by Karen Rose that I bought at the previous book fair. The good thing is, my face isn't too bloated as they've feared.:) Now, I'm just worried about my FCE Oral Test this Saturday. I seriously hope this won't affect it too much...:( The Author

THE DEVIL WITHIN
"The devil within is the hardest to conquer." I remember a question from a friend. He's not into any kind of religions but still respectful to those who are - unless if they are imposers. He once asked me this: "Do you consider yourself 'devout'?" I fell silent for a moment, not knowing how to answer that. Do I? Then, after quite a long, uncomfortable hesitation, I gently told him: "I don't know. In fact, I'm afraid I don't have the answer." Of course, that answer belongs to God - not any mortals here on earth. We don't know everything, no matter how smart (we'd like to believe) we are. It's just not our capacity to answer that. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "That was a stupid question." "No, of course it isn't." Because I keep asking myself that. Silently, of course. I've learned just how annoying it can be when someone is desperately seeking acknowledgement and even praise from society - mostly by showing off their 'so-called' pure good deeds. It's the "hey-look-at-me-I'm-the-good-guy" attitude. It's like dying to prove the world that they're better than the rest. And for what? Where are we now? What have we become? How much has the media affected us? (And how much do we want to let it?) It can look nice and inviting in a beautifully wrapped package, but what about the inside? What happens when we unwrap it? (And do we really want to? Remember Pandora's Box?) Having studied journalism for so long has led me to disappointment. Is it time to bid farewell to our 'so-called' idealism? (And what kind of idealism are we talking about here?) Ade Armando once said in Sociology and Communication: "The strongest, most influential party controls the media. Idealism only belongs to the newbies in journalism." These days, should we just believe everything that we read, see, and hear? Is there always some sort of propaganda behind it - one way or another? Election month is coming for Indonesia. Who will we vote for the next critical five years? Do we even know who to trust anymore? It's a shame that some (supposedly) religious group would like to force people to vote at least once, just because they don't want any swing voters. They claim it as a sin, but - who are they to say such thing?? It is God's prerogative to decide who's full of sin or not. Besides, they're just sinful mortals too. Human. I once joked about my non-existent capability in politics. Maybe I'd get killed easily. In politics, hypocrites are the best survivors. You can't tell the difference between a friend or a foe anymore. In fact, there are times when we're not even sure which defines us best. We (tend to) lose ourselves. It's like fearfully wondering when Mr.Hyde will turn up soon underneath the good old Dr.Jekyll. Which mask are we wearing now? Is it our favourite, or do we just love them all? Do we do good deedsto other people because we really want to (and that it's emotionally satisfying), or - is there something else? Playing nice and safe, until greed takes over and changes us? A promise to help in the name of pure humanity until arrogance alters our actions and gives us justifiable excuses to forget the whole deal - or even pretend the whole deal never existed in the first place? ("Uh, did I actually say that?") Greed. Arrogance. Hypocrisy. Ignorance. They all lie within our human hearts and souls - religious or else. How do we conquer them all? It's a lifetime job, I'm afraid. It's funny how many people talk about fighting the devils they see upon others, believing what they wear already symbolizes purity and innocence. Yet the most dangerous within that silently haunts our every step - seems unreachable and somewhat ignored. Is it really unseen and forgotten, or do we just pretend not to notice? The Author

AFTER THE EXAM
There. I've finally done the FCE final exam today. How was it?*shrugs* I don't want to talk about it anymore. Besides, my head's still spinning. (Okay, that's probably from my aching wisdom tooth - despite having taken the painkillers!) *deep sigh* Oh, well. I'll get to know the result soon enough. And besides, I need to relax this short term break. Now I'm still back at Uncle Asoka's place, relaxing for a while. After this, I'll just go straight home. The next challenge is: visiting the dentist on Monday at four. Just one quick pull and then it's done. No biggie. The FCE Oral Test is next week - same time, same place. Marty will be my partner. The Author

THE ANXIETY
"If you still have questions in your head, that means you're still thinking." Ha!:P I'm beginning to get more creative with quotes. Maybe I should get them copyrighted under my name.*giggles* I've decided not to write something too serious today. Why? I'm mentally tired. I also need to study more for my FCE final exam tomorrow at nine. In fact, here I am now - staying over at Uncle Asoka's house in Warung Buncit, South Jakarta. The place for my exam is only a block away. That means I can avoid coming late. *gulps* Okay, I'm nervous. I'm actually more nervous than what I appear to be. I'm even more nervous than anticipating my next visit to the dentist's for the operation on Monday at four next week. My last FCE mock test was a disastrous C.:( I should at least get a B on this one. Ms.Tati even expects an A from me. *deep sigh* Oh, well. I'll just do my best. The Author

THE TOOTHACHE, WORK, AND THE FINAL EXAM!
This week, I've just discovered the mystery behind my fever last week. It's my toothache.:( I don't know why they even call it a 'wisdom tooth' if it only exists to drive you crazy.*raises an eyebrow* For now, I can only eat soft stuff and must avoid cold beverages. I visited the dentist yesterday and she's scheduled an operation for me next week on Monday, at four. She gave me prescriptions, though, for the painkillers. Do they work like a charm? Hmm, I must say it's fifty-fifty. I just don't eat much, though. It hurts to chew...:( I'm swamped with work this week. Guess what? The only good news I've got so far is...my raised status at work. (Raised status = raised salary! Yippee!:D) Another thing to dread: the real FCE final exam on Saturday...at nine in the morning!*gasps*:O I don't want to be late anymore, so maybe I'll ask Uncle Asoka whether I can stay overnight at their place before the test. It's the closest point, and - like I've said before - I'm taking FCE very seriously! The Author

QUESTIONS OF FAITH
"You can only be your 100% self when you're all alone." Otherwise, they will call you selfish. That's just the way the real world goes. Never believe it completely when somebody tells you that they love you just the way you are. (Billy Joel, please stop singing that ridiculously unrealistic love song!) That's not a 100% true. After all, we're only human. We have our own expectations over each other. We also know what happens when things just don't always turn out our way. We get disappointed. The rethorical question is: How do we survive from that situation? Foolishly (like any other kids in the world we were all once), I used to believe in 'unconditional love'. Now I spend my time laughing (sarcastically) at fairy-tales and stupid love songs. Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe it still exists, but that doesn't mean it is always ours to keep. Besides, I don't really believe in 'unconditional marriage'. (Ha-ha!*big evil grin*) Like I've just said, we all have our own expectations. --- // --- "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day? Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away? Wouldn't it be good to be on your side? The grass is always greener over there. Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?" What would it be like to live in such ignorance over anything and anyone else in this world - even for just one solitary day? Would it somehow make us feel much happier, knowing that we wouldn't have to worry so much about a lot of things? "You'd definitely disappoint a lot of people in your life," said my friend Via one day. I said nothing more after that but couldn't stop thinking about it. Gigi said I'm such a heavy-thinker I tend to grow early layers of white hair.:P *blushes* (She was just kidding, I know. It's just one of my 'misfortunate' genes.:|) I remember one of the early episodes of "Heroes" in the first season. I was - and maybe still am - quite intrigued by what Linderman said to Nathan Petrelli (Adrian Pasdar): If you were only allowed to choose one life to live - what would it be? A happy life, or a meaningful life? If you choose happy, you may continue living the rest of your lives in complete ignorance. But if you choose ignorance, you'll spend your whole life mourning and regretting the past - and worrying about the future. Every choice has its consequences. Every word matters. Every second counts. Where are we now? Have we somehow lost our chances to become better and make things right? Is it already too late? Is the damage too irrepairable? How much do we really care about something if we say (and believe) that we do? There are so many times when words are just not enough. Mere words. But words are what our helpless selves can only give sometimes. Just words, nothing more. Not even ideas for possible solutions. "Everybody's bitching 'cause the times are tough..." ---//--- "It's hard to love. There's so much to hate. Hanging on to hope, when there is no hope to speak of. And the wounded skies above say it's much, much too late. Well, maybe we should all be praying for time." Sometimes it's much, much easier to just hate what you (don't even want to) know. Just put a permanent label on it and call it names. Bitch about it constantly. We think we can be (fair) judges over everything. It's a(n old habit) that dies hard, like a terminal disease ravaging our very hearts. Worst of all, in order to prove our point, we tend to provoke others to take our side - joining our fun little league. Big in numbers, the more the merrier. That way, we'll appear much stronger than we actually are in solo. That's okay, because we normally feel safer that way. Be one of the bullies so you won't end up being the easiest preys. Soon you'll forget just how small you really are. There are times when we just need to "impress" others more. Fake a little more to look your best. Either way, that's one way to survive. After all, nice guys (always) finish last. You do what you have to do to get you to the top. What you do defines who you are. Your actions speak louder than you. Is it true that it also defines your people in the same community - like family, neighbourhood, school, religion, race, nationality, whatever? Shallow people think so. Sadly, they tend to make quick judgements over what they (can) only see in the surface. (Remember, there's more than meets the eye.) They don't even want to accept the complexities behind what's really happening in the world lately. They choose the easy way out: oversimplifying everything. They just know how to spread the hate. Worst of all, that's all they ever want to do. They will not back down until everyone completely agrees with them without further questions nor even doubts. Silence is golden (although not all the time.) Let the dogs bark and just walk on. Sometimes it's the only way. Talking to a wall is useless. Pointless accusations will never end. There will always be more and more slandering. Leave it all up to God. Maybe your action doesn't always define your kind in general (for it won't be fair.) But it does affect their reputation. It can also taint other people's rationality and perspectives. Shallow people may think this argument is classic. They can think whatever the hell they like. Nobody's ever stopped them before. They don't matter, as long as you believe in God and just do your best for humanity. Can we ever - and will we be able to - get rid of this old, nasty habit for good? Pointing fingers without really looking in the mirror first? Are we really who (we think) we are? The Author

JUST ANOTHER HECTIC WEEK...
I've been very busy for this past week! I guess that's what normally happens during exam week. Jules even joked about us teachers doing the "marking-marathon"!*giggles* My flu's almost gone, but my throat is still sore.:( Come on, it's been a week already! I hate my stupid PMS.:( The flu, the sore throat, the insomnia...what else? I've been feeling strangely gloomy too. (Even too gloomy to write in here, so I've been avoiding blogging this week - just to make sure I don't scare the hell out of my readers here. *big evil grin*) I've grown unusually quiet too, but it's to make sure I don't end up lashing out irrationally. There are so many things inside my head now, but I just can't get them out properly. Time is limited, and my time management has been lousy lately. I must take things easy and have more patience... My FCE Mock Test sucked: C+.:( I also had to make a new key, because I'd lost one last Thursday - somewhere in my super messy room...*blushes* Oh, well. This is just another hectic week. But the good thing is, I'm back on working out in the gym.:D It helps my mood to become (slightly) better. I'm going to go for a swim with Gigi and Fitri tomorrow afternoon - and perhaps visiting Islamic Book Fair in Istora Senayan with Hani on Sunday...:) The Author

AFTER THE (EXHAUSTING) WEEKEND
Good news: Tiger is okay.:) He was in a bit of a trouble, but now he's fine. Thank God. Okay, enough said. Right, what else? Last Thursday night, there were so many things I'd wanted to tell Tiger as we chatted online. I didn't, for he'd been still tad upset with his own problems. Old habit, I guess.*shrugs* I kept mine from him as he talked. I don't know why. Maybe it was just not the right time. I didn't tell him about my bratty students.:P I know, they're just part of my job. I didn't even tell him that I was starting to sneeze a lot that night.:( Influenza visited me again. I couldn't wait for Friday to pass me by. I was already sneezing at work. My head was also spinning. Then that night, G was suddenly acting out with me...again.:x I went home and found him sitting alone in front of the television, watching some movie. It's been (considered) normal for us not to say a damn word to each other. It's not like I haven't tried being nice to him before - for Mom's sake, of course.:| He's the one without any effort at all, always expecting all to simply roll onto his palm. I entered my room, and then felt my runny nose. (Yuck!) So I headed back to the living room to grab some tissues. I was blowing my nose pretty hard as I went back to my room. (I HATE FLU!) Somehow, G sent a text message to Mom's cellphone because of that. What did he write? You're about to find out soon. I entered my room and found Mom's text on my cellphone: "Are you angry at someone? G said you're blowing your nose really hard!" What the hell? Why was he making it such an issue?:x What was his problem anyway? It's my house too! I live there. In fact, I've been living there long before he ever popped into our lives. If he were somehow feeling disturbed by my noise, then I'm sorry to say - that was his own problem! I mean, come on. My brother does it too when he has the flu. Why didn't he have enough guts to just say it to my face?*scoffs* I gave Mom my shortest reply: "Flu." What was he trying to prove anyway?:( Was he trying to show Mom that he cared enough for me, but I was the one acting like a total bitch to him? Or was he snitching to Mom that I made him feel uncomfortable with my sneezing and me blowing my nose really hard? What?? *deep sigh* Whatever.*rolls eyes* I don't even need any of this crap. Saturday felt long, tedious, and...exhausting. They were celebrating my sister's seven-month-old fetus with a Javanese traditional ritual and also G's birthday. (I'm sorry to say, but his attitude still irked him I didn't even wish him a happy birthday. Well, he never wished mine either last year!) My fever climbed up, but I somehow managed to survive the rest of the day without falling apart. People were coming and I had to make sure the catering staff made a quick refill on the menu. Some guests noticed how pale my face was, but I assured them I was okay. I also had to keep getting rid of the next-door neighbour's cat - a tiger-striped tabby. She kept coming in for food and leftovers. I didn't stay long after the ritual session and lunch. I crashed fast and hard in my room, not bothering to change at all. My headache was killing me. I blacked out until sometime at night. When I woke up, I started feeling nauseous. I staggered weakly to the bathroom and threw up. (I hadn't eaten much in the daytime, although Mom had cooked her famously delicious spaghetti.) Then I went back to lying and shivering under my blanket until Mom found me. She gave me an aspirin and a glass of water. The she muttered a complaint, "You always come home late at night." So what do you want me to do, Mom? I wondered silently. Quit my job because of that? But again, I said nothing. Just like I never said a damn thing to her face about her precious son-in-law.*rolls eyes* Silence is golden, but I think it's gonna kill me now...:( Yesterday, I finally went to the same gym centre with Gigi in Bintaro. Before that, we had lunch at Red Bean, in Bintaro Plaza. It was fun.:) I'd almost skipped work today because my throat is still itchy. But I didn't know what else to do at home. The Author

THE (MOST) INCOHERENT POEM :P
This morning, I had my second FCE Mock Test on writing and listening comprehension.:P Since I finished quickly again, here's what I wrote on my scrap paper: "ME VS. THE DEMON" Your presence is like a bully, but I refuse to let you scare me. Your eyes give a condescending gaze, still I won't let you ruin my days. Your sneer is crystal-clear. Thankfully, I have no fear. You? Who are you anyway? What are you going to do? Your laughter may steal my silence. Well, I'm ready with my best defenses. Your words can deeply cut like sharp blades for you're consumed by your own hate. Your mockery won't kill me. Guess what? I'm stronger than you see. Your oppression may clip my wings but you never own the air that I breathe. Soon you'll die a slow, miserable death and for that, I will place my last bet. *big evil grin* The Author

THE MESSAGE
My instinct has been pretty well-trained. Four years of knowing him has enabled me to read some familiar signs. The similar thing has happened before. If I haven't heard from him in a long time (like a week or two, a month or two??), he must be extremely busy - or: - He's ill. - He's having a serious argument with someone about something and it upsets him so. -There's a chaos forming around him. After a week, I've begun to worry. I couldn't help it, so I texted him last night: "Tiger, is everything okay?" Just this morning, I received his reply: "Hey, yeah. I'm fine. It's just that I'm caught up a bit at the moment. I'll tell you the details later. Just pray for me, okay? Please?" Just pray for me, okay? Please? Those are the words he often used long ago when he was in trouble.:( I hope you're okay, Tiger. You know I never stop praying for you... The Author

A HAUNTING CONVERSATION...:(
So many interesting things happened for the past week, but I haven't had a chance to write them all down here. Maybe I should try my friend Ro's way: compiling a whole week in an entry.:) But surely, I still have my own writing style. Something happened on Wednesday morning after my FCE mock test on reading comprehension. I finished quickly - five minutes earlier to be exact. The teacher told me I could wait outside for a while before the next test - use of English - began. I obeyed and found an empty chair outside. I had my notebook and pencil case with me. I was pondering for a possible new entry when a shadow fell on my open book. I quickly looked up. Ms.Tati the FCE teacher was standing right in front of me. She's a fine, wise old lady with a soft voice and a calming smile. But please, don't ever be fooled by all of that and her small feature. Her eyes demand respect and discipline. "I know you like to read," she started. "Do you need a magazine while waiting? I've got Readers' Digest in my office." "No, thank you, ma'am," I refused politely with a smile. I lightly tapped my pen on my notebook. "I'm thinking about writing something here." "Really?" Now she was obviously interested. "What is it?" I briefly showed her my already written pages. My entries, all in English. Some were already posted on my blogs. Her eyes widened in awe. She thought that I should've had my writings published. I just smiled, saying that it was my freelance job. But most still got rejected. However, I never stop. "What are you writing about here? Are these private?" "Many things." And yes, some are (supposed to be) private. Some I've posted on my blogs - anonymously. So, people don't know my real name, but they can guess my personality from the things I write about. In this real, busy adult life - not many have the time for tales lately. No, not that much, I'm afraid. But online, I'm like the nameless, faceless main character in my own adventure tales. People may speculate all they like about me, for not many know (or even want to) the real me. "I'm impressed on your assignment on informal letter writing," she complimented. Then she went on, "By the way, who's the boy you were writing to? Is he real?" *sighs* I somehow knew this was coming. His name is quite distinctive in my part of the world. I love his name, just like the person himself.:) His name means: innocence. From there, I can tell just how much his parents love him and have great hopes for him. "Yes, he is." He's as real as the air that I breathe, 'though it's way too impossible for me to really touch him or feel him close. He's just not there. Somehow, I have to keep reminding myself of that simple, bitter fact. "How long have you two known each other?" "For years." but somehow, it feels like a lifetime. Good and bad times, laughter and tears - all rolled into one. "Is he your boyfriend? Where is he now?" "No, he's just my best friend." I gave her a rueful smile. Just, I had to emphasize on that particular word, but I still love him anyway. "He's in Manchester." "Ahh, long distance." Her tone was all too familiar. Oh, God. Why couldn't I just drop this subject and just kindly tell her that I wanted to get back to my writing?:( "How old is he?" "Twenty-three." Since last month. Just half a decade younger than me. Is that a problem? "And you are?" "Twenty-seven." Okay. Bring it on. "And he means so much to you." Yes. Oh, how I hate my eyes sometimes.:( Was she a psychic too, or had my eyes given too much away again?*blushes* "I suspect he must be your first love." "No, not exactly." I still remember Joza. I had feelings for Joza for three years in college, but then they simply died. But when I told her that, she just smiled knowingly and shook her head slowly. "No, dear," she said softly. "First love never dies, remember? He is, in fact." Scratch that, I thought gloomily. I was sure she'd meant 'true love'. As much as I hated to hear that, she was dead right. But still, it hurts.:( Fate is cruel sometimes... And then she went on about how a girl should find someone older, because women tend to grow (and look) older than men.:( I tried telling her that he was different. He's even more mature and sensible than me. Besides, age is (supposed to be) just a freaking number, right? Right?? But in the end, she just wished me luck - just like any good soul I know.:) She said a girl like me deserved true happiness. Honestly, I need more than just luck in this department. I also need God's blessings too. *deep sigh* On Thursday, Via asked me if I was okay. She said I looked as if I was thinking hard about something...or someone. Once again, my eyes just gave me away. I guess some conversations can haunt you. On Friday, I tried singing to Michael Jackson's classic ballad "One Day In Your Life" on the radio at work. I couldn't.:( Why? My throat always felt clogged, as if I could burst into tears anytime soon.:P Shanti thought I was being too sensitive. Gigi said that was what made me a good writer, hehe.:P On Saturday, I substituted for Via's private tutoring in the morning. Then I hung out with Gigi and her college friends Lubna and Julie at Cilandak Townsquare. On Sunday, I woke up late and missed Kompas newspapers. It was already sold out. Damn...:( The Author

CAN'T SLEEP. CAN'T FORGET.:(
I. Can't. Sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep... I can't sleep well for days. When I finally do, it's always short and restless. I believe I've prayed, though, but perhaps not enough. I'm not sure this has something to do with my work schedule (Monday - Friday: 1 pm - 7 pm and 9 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays.:P) I mean, I've been fine before. I've been working for nine months already. And I'm sure this is not about having too much coffee. (Although I must admit that that I can't seem to function well without coffee during my working hours - or else I'd fall asleep standing up!:P) I know my limitations. There's a cardiac arrest history in my family. I must be careful with my health. So??? *deep sigh* I guess I've never really gotten over my old, cynical self. Once again, it's me hating the bitter part of reality. The angry freak versus the unfair world. Sometimes I just want to punch the walls over and over again, but Nick once said that the walls always win. Sadly, he's quite right about that. :(... I've heard the same old sad stories from some of the girls that I've known - about how the boys treat them awfully. I've been wanting to write their problems here, but didn't have the time. Plus, I was also exhausted. To protect their real names ('case sensitive'), I'll just write my personal conclusions here: Girls, here are things to remember about guys: 1.Damsels in distress just don't last long in reality. Why? It's very simple. They only exist in some stupid fairy tales.*rolls eyes* Why wait to be saved when you can definitely save yourselves? You have the ability to. It just takes a strong willpower to make it happen. And once you rely on your happiness and everything to the wrong guy, you might end up being a puppet on a string. I'm sure you don't want that. 2.If a guy ever tells you not to do (positive) outdoor things you like (e.g.joining a club in school, singing contest, etc.) just because he wants you to stay home and obey him 100% without thinking at all (while he can do whatever the hell he likes just because he's a MAN!), please ditch him immediately. Why? He's just a lame, insecure ego-maniac and a chauvinist pig. You deserve better, a real gentleman who loves you for who you are and respect your personal (positive) choices. If a butterfly is kept inside a glass jar for too damn long, it will no longer be beautiful and...alive. Trust me. It will only suffocate and die a slow and painful death. Scary? Hell, yeah! And it's not possible that - once you get stuck in that kind of relationship and marry him - he'll turn more possessive and violent. No joke. 3.When it comes to guys, don't pay attention to what he says but please do to what he does. A real man says what he means and means what he says. He also walks the walk and not just talk the talk. His actions must speak louder than his voice.:| That's why you must be extra careful with this one. If a guy tells you he loves you and wants to marry you - but NEVER really proves it - you don't have to listen to him. In fact, you can even tell him to just shut up. Why? If he can't (or even won't) prove it, then he shouldn't say anything like that in the very beginning. It's not fair for the girl. It's cruel to make her hope like that - ALL for NOTHING in the end. NOTHING!:'-( He doesn't know just HOW much IT HURTS. It's even worse if he doesn't want to or even care, or even pretend that he never hurts you that way. Love is such a precious word. Never - and I mean NEVER - ever play with it. When a guy says it, make sure he really means business - NOT 'something else'. I guess no.3 is for me too.:( It's no longer useful for me to tell him any of that. I can't prove no shit to him, eventhough I really want to. Mere words become worthless. Last but not least: never get back with your asshole exes just because: a.) Your mother wonders when you'll get married, or b.) You just don't want to be alone. The Cynic Who (Still) Owns A Scary, Isolated Castle

WHERE IS LOVE???
I know that I haven't been writing anything here lately. I've been quite terribly exhausted. For the past week, all I ever wanted to do was just go straight home and sleep after work. I don't know why.:( I've wanted to write a lot, but felt no strength in me. My ideas are still in my head. They're still screaming at me from within, desperately wanting to get out. In other words, I'm thinking too much. Again.:| Or maybe it's the old scary ghost named...stress. Again.:( I mean, have you ever felt too anxious but couldn't put your finger on what might've caused it? *deep sigh* I need to get back to my working out habit.:| This month's salary is pretty low. I had to quit my gym membership card for a while. No choice. I've got to survive the rest of this month. But don't worry, I'll definitely be back next month. I have to if I want to stay healthy (and happier too.:P) I know that I've been (feeling) much better (about myself) with that. It's reduced my nonsensical, often unexplainable stress (which grew worse during my last PMS/PMT/whatever.:( Trust me, I was as freaky as a loud-mouthed, hellish bitch!) And Gigi said she wanted to join me too.:D I'm sure it'll be much more fun. Right. Where must I begin? There are so many things I want to write about here. Tiger once told me that - in this 'so-called' modern era - it is much harder to find what's right and then just stick to it. People can say and believe whatever the hell they like without reading both sides of every story. That's just life, I guess.*shrugs* Nobody's free of offenses. All I have to do is stick to what I believe in and not let anybody take that away from me. I must also keep learning to respect people's personal spaces, for I want them all to do the same with mine. It's (supposed to be) that simple. However, even the simplest things can be easier said than done. There are always obstacles in this mortal life. It's how we deal with things that (can) make a difference. By the way, do you know that philosophy is the most annoying subject in the world (and not just college)? No concrete answers, just more and more questions. It's one "Why?" after another. ........................... *deep sigh* No, I didn't take that in college. Practical subjects are much cheaper here than theoretical. This is Indonesia, after all. You can't get enough money easily (and quickly) by thinking and hoping the world would change for the better. (Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*) I guess that's why Andrea Hirata makes much more sense in his fourth book "Maryamah Karpov". He wrote: "Maka di negeri ini, para pemimpi adalah para pemberani. Mereka kesatria di tanah nan tak peduli. Medali harus dikalungkan di leher mereka." (That's why in this country, the dreamers are the brave ones. They're the warriors in the land of ignorance. They must have medals around their necks.) Well, I'm a dreamer too, perhaps. But unfortunately, I'm not always brave.:( Why? I'm also a realist/cynic. No matter what I do, I sometimes look back and around - just to make sure I'm safe. It's sensible to be more cautious, though, but it just kills the deal when you're overdoing it. And sadly, there are times when I just can't help myself.:( These days, it's getting harder to just keep your brave face on. The world's just getting crazier. You can't pretend that your quiet little world will always be completely safe - protected and unharmed. Sadly, no. Sometimes you're still just a scared little girl with empty pages on her lost fairy-tale book, frantically searching for her dream superhero to save her day (and her lost tale too.) But once again, damsels in distress just don't live long here. That's why, you've got to do what you've got to do just to get by - with or without anyone by your side. That's just how it works here. It's the only way for now. You're just facing reality as it is. You know that - deep down inside - you need him so bad these days, more than ever. However, you know you won't ask him to save your life here. Why? It's been that way before. Besides, you've been taught not to burden others way too much with your pleas. Sometimes it's best to just keep quiet and do things on your own. That's why, you don't know how to reach out like anyone normally does. You don't know how to let him know that sometimes - just sometimes - even the most hard-headed tomboy needs a pair of strong arms to show her that safe, warm little place in this wretched world and convince her it's going to be okay - and it's okay to collapse and cry. Just sometimes, though. I had that last year. I will always remember the sunny June.:) ........................... Okay, enough with this Valentine virus!:P Oh, speaking of Valentine's Day, I spent all Saturday with Gigi and my college friend Putri Tantia and her sister Sissy. And also with Gigi's friend Utie. Met Fitri and Gigi's friends Sari and Bagus. I also met my cousins Gadis, Isa and Isa's wife Lies at PIM - while I was waiting for my new temporary tattoo to go dry.:P Oh, yes. Another tattoo, eventhough I've promised that I'd quit after 21. Eventhough I know Tiger hates tattoos.*big evil grin* I don't know. I just wanted to have fun and eat a lot of chocolate.:P So did Gigi, after that sleazy bastard had dumped her in the most un-gentleman way.*rolls eyes* The Author

ANOTHER (POLITICAL) LIE AND MORE???
I knew this was coming. I knew it from the very beginning.:( I've already stopped trusting my own country's government long ago. The day The House of The 'So-Called' Representatives started pushing their stupid idea of The Stupid Draft (RUU APP), I've grown sick of them all for choosing to ignore this nation's real problem. (It's major POVERTY with a capital P, you idiots!:x) They've completely lost my trust and respect since then. But hey, they've never even really needed any of that crap from the very beginning. (I mean, who the hell am I trying to fool but myself only?*sneers*) Well, I don't even like them at all. They're just so full of shit. They're nothing but total hypocrites acting like holy saints, when the real truth is they're simply just corruptors. They've corrupted people's money more and more. They've also corrupted the nation's trust and sanity. What else do they all want from us? Our blood? Haven't they taken enough already?:( Do we even need their permission to even breathe? Just who the hell do they think they are? They're no gods nor even angels here. They're only human too.:( *deep sigh* Since our so-called, dear Mr.President SBY decided to legalize it into The Stupid Bill (UU APP), I've completely lost my faith in all of them. I don't, I can't, and I won't trust any of them anymore. You can call this my apathy. But please, don't get me wrong. I still love my country. I really do. I'm just worried that I might be too powerless to go against the hypocritical traitors like them. They're very, very cunning and manipulative. They promise the people one thing and then do another. Yes, people.:| Just like their promise that The Stupid Bill (UU APP) wouldn't disturb our country's cultural heritage. Oh, sure. Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Then, why the hell are they forbidding the most artistic and internationally well-known 'Jaipong' dance right now?:x I just don't get it. It's a traditional West Javanese dance we've had for years and a very unique too! And now, it's suddenly considered...too vulgar, too 'pornographic'???:O Bullshit! Fuck off!! It's all a political lie. I can't believe that even the West Java governor wanted to ban 'Jaipong'. How stupid and shallow can they all really be? What else next?? Other traditional dances and cultural clothes too? I mean, seriously. What is a dance without any movement at all? Why on earth are they being so bloody irritating and ridiculous?? The next thing you know, they're going to dictate us how to move properly so we (especially women) won't make everybody lust after us. They're going to tell us how to wear the 'right' clothes, how to breathe, how to live our lives... Fuck, I don't need this. I don't even deserve any of this shit. Touch. Me. And. They. All. Will. Die. Period. The Author http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2009/02/07/039jaipong039-dance-becomes-latest-victim-pornography-law.html

THE STRANGEST MOOD?
"Fairy tales are made by those disappointed in real life." Hehe, you can call that "a love-cynic's quote" / "a cynical quote".*big evil grin* *giggles* My best friend Hani worried about me after reading one of my previous entries.:P She thought I was a little too disturbed by other people's comments about my single status. Well, as a single, I am happy.:) I just can't stand them diving their noses down into my personal business. But again, that's how most (silly) Indonesians are.:( Oftentimes, these people just can't tell the difference between caring and interfering. (But if they read this, I assure you that they'll be telling you that I am the one with the real problem here.*rolls eyes*) Maybe some of them just don't know how to be happy while they're on their own - which is really, really sad they're trying to drag other people down with them. But again, I'm just a voice of minority in my country. In fact, I've always been.*shrugs* Well, so what if I'm 27 now? Big deal. I have a friend at work who told me she met her husband when she turned 35 and they're still okay. So??? Another insecure Indonesian told me that my real problem is my smart mouth. They said, most Indonesian men still feel insecure with smarter, more successful women than they are. (Well personally, I think it's their problem. Why should women always have to take the blame? It's just bloody ridiculous!*shakes head*) If you think I'm such a man-hater here, then you're not seeing the bigger picture. My friend D told me that okay, for example - we women pretend to be a little not too bright just to make men feel safe. When they're attracted to us and we win their hearts - what happens next? We'll get married and have to pretend for the rest of our lives. Won't that be sick? I just need to be with someone who can make me feel safe without having to turn me into someone else I am not. So what if it might take a lifetime? Society doesn't always create miracles or solutions. Want to know the sad thing about society? Since little girls, we've been doctrined to always dress prettily, act nicely - because (they say) we're meant to be seen, not heard. But at the same time, we're told to stay virgin until we're married. If something (bad) happens along the way, we're to blame for not being careful enough. If what we wear is (considered) too sexy, we're to blame for making the men lust after us. Sooo bloody typical.:( In original Javanese tradition, women are hardly allowed to start everything first.*scoffs* (I guess that's why I'm considered not a very nice Javanese girl.*big evil grin* I'm a loud-mouth tomboy.) Including in marriage. It's like, we all must sit gracefully and wait to be saved - like all damsels in distress in typical fairy-tales. But then, what happens when nobody comes and saves the damsel? She's to blame - again, for not being attractive enough. Then people start making her feeling guilty for not fetching a husband yet, although she's considered old enough already. Just like what happens to some of my girlfriends who are still single in their 40's. Some of them are okay, some are eaten up by society's harsh labelling: "old maids". Yes, I've spoken on behalf of them, because it's always been easy for society to treat them as "social criminals" - without considering the mental wound they've all caused upon them. Well, what about me? I'm not a damsel in distress. Once again, I vow to myself that I will survive - with or without any prince of dream coming true. Why? I love him, but I never (want to) ask him to save my life. It's up to him, though.*shrugs* He knows I'm using my old pride here again to carry on. The Author

NOT A GOOD SAMARITAN...:(
Alright, this has just happened minutes ago... I was walking alone, along Veteran, South Jakarta. It was after work, and I'd just gotten off of Jules' car. During my walk, I heard a man's voice behind me, getting closer. "Miss? Miss, can I ask you a favour?" I slowed my pace and a man finally kept up with me. He was short and a bit stocky. Since it was pretty dark, I couldn't see his face very clearly. But I decided to risk it and stopped. "Yes?" But when he came closer to me, I instantly stepped back a little. Instinct, I guess. "Please, can we talk as we walk?" he asked again. When he took another step forward and I backed off again, he pleaded, "Please, I'm not a bad guy. I'm just a working man." "Okay." But I held my ground. I had to concentrate just in case. Unfortunately, he misread that as a sign of reluctance. He turned and sighed, starting to walk again. He was obviously disappointed with my reaction. Oh, God! Have I done something awful? "Wait." I followed him, but a bit slowly. "Why?" He only halfway looked back in desperation and lamented, "I just got off the train today and somebody stole my wallet. That's all." Then he just kept on, a few steps ahead of me. He didn't even stop to explain more, until he fnally spotted a head-scarfed girl standing nearby and waiting for the bus. Then he repeated the same process with her. I walked past them, feeling guilty.:( I must've really insulted him. Wanting to make it up, I stopped in front of a food stall nearby when my eyes caught a sight of a uniformed police officer. He was looking at displayed goods intently. "Sir?" I called out to him. The traffic behind me was pretty noisy, so I called louder. "Sir? Officer!" I started waving at him. "Hey, Mister!" Nothing happened. Nothing at all. I couldn't believe it! We were practically facing each other - and he didn't even notice me. His eyes were still on the goods. Frustrated, I walked on and shook my head. I'd just wanted to let him know that there was a man in trouble a few feet behind me. He needed his help. I couldn't possibly help the dude myself.:( What could I do? Have we all become really ignorant to each other? The scariest question is, have I become one too? *sighs* I don't know. That's why I'm still feeling guilty. You can't really help any stranger at all, if you don't even (want to) trust them... The Author

THE RAMBLING OF THE HEARTBROKEN :(
Welcome to 'The Month of Looove'.:P Oh, wait. Since Valentine's day is on February 14, I should say 'The Two Weeks of Looooove'. Okay, I know I sound too bloody sarcastic about this whole idea.*big evil grin* Sarcastic and bitter. Back to the old, cynical me, I guess. Well, that's okay. I never really celebrate Valentine anyway.*shrugs* Why should I even bother? I only love their cute-package chocolate. Oh, and also that flaky horror flick "Valentine" - about an ugly geek killing off all the girls who'd meanly rejected him in school. What else? I only wear black that day. Not pink. (Eww!) No way. *deep sigh* Look, I don't mind if the rest of the world wants to celebrate it, okay? Nothing personal, really. I'm just seeing a much bigger picture here. The world is more than just about a coupledom thingy. No, really. Want to celebrate love? Please, do it everyday. You don't even need to wait one particular date for that. How? By start being nicer to people around you, even those you tend to ignore. Don't hassle all the singles - especially single women - just because they haven't found The Right One yet or thought about searching. (Sadly, that's what most "normal" Indonesian people do here to the single ladies.:| Bummers.) And please, stop that freaking war in Palestine, for God's sake!:x I don't want to give a shit about who the hell started it - I just want ALL WARS to end. Stop treating religions to justify all kinds of violence toward each other, like a gang of thugs carrying out their group's symbol. Honestly, I just don't get it. "World war's stupid and people's stupid and love means nothing..." ("The War Song" by.Culture Club) Sorry, I've just heard that old song again this morning - and now it won't leave my head alone. It's not that I hate that song, though. I'm not against celebrating it in your usual, romantic ways with your partner or loved ones. That's okay. I'm happy for you. I just hope that society (especially here in my country) can be more sensitive to the less, fortunate ones in the love department. The broken hearts, the divorced, the lonely...you name them. Stop asking them stupid questions about their status. If you can't give them suggestions or solutions, then just shut the hell up and leave them alone. Don't make them feel bad and insecure for being singles and old, as if their existence in society is only socially acceptable with the presence of a spouse next to them.:( I mean, come on. Do we all have to be so freaking shallow, minding other people's personal business that way - even over and over again? Give it a rest, okay?:( The Author

A SINGLE SCOOP FOR MY HEADACHE(???)
Well, obviously - it's the end of January.:P It's pay-day. (Although Gia actually said it already was yesterday.) I've checked my account today and...blah, couldn't help wincing a bit. It was not as much as it usually is.:( But hey, I still thank God for that. It's just a sign that I must start hunting for an extra, freelance side job. I also want to experience another job too - not just teaching. I want to be able to write about a lot of things through real, first-hand experiences. (That's my reason too when I first accepted this job.) Local author Ayu Utami took wall-climbing lessons before she wrote about a climber as her main character in her novel. Then, what about me? I've got lots of ideas here in my head. I'm just trying to find some time for them.:( I know we all have our problems. That's just what life is: full of never-ending problems. Shanti told me that - surely (not just maybe) - I wasn't too passionate with my writing. (What??) She said that I would've simply given up sleep if I really had been. Uh, no.:P She can say all she likes, but everyone is different. Soon I'll find my own, ideal quality time for my writing. I know I will. What it's like, exactly, to be a person who never thinks and feels? They say I think and feel too much. I think too much I end up doing nothing. They say I feel too much I end up getting myself hurt. Too much, too much, too much. That's all I ever hear from them. And God, I am so sick of it!:x It's like accusing me an extremist of some sort without even trying to understand me...even just a little. (Okay, so maybe I'm somewhat an opinionated extremist. Happy now?*deep sigh*) But we all know it's also dead impossible to never think and feel at all. Those are part of us. Even those who claim themselves 'numb' or even 'heartless'. Numbness is only temporary, almost like a make-believe. In the end, we can't just avoid pain. It's as sure as life and death. I remember what Dave told CB and me during our best friend Pumpkin's funeral. He said he felt himself growing old and more 'heartless'. Again, he could believe all he liked, but - honestly - I just didn't buy it. I still don't. People who claim themselves that way are usually the ones with greater fear of getting hurt. Don't get me wrong. I've been down that road before, believing that I was more invincible if I didn't use my heart at all. If Dave were really that heartless, he wouldn't have attended Pumpkin's funeral with us - or asked CB and me to pay one last visit to Pumpkin's room. He wouldn't have hugged the crying CB and Yayee that day. But hey, he could believe all he wanted about himself. Knowing how stubborn he really is, I'd rather shut up. No need to argue. Pain is just another sign to remind us about life itself, and that we are only human. But why does it sometimes feel scarier than death? I'm being surrounded by couples these days - even at home. My parents. (Of course!:P) My sister and G. My brother and Dindi. Then, what about me? I'd like some peace and quiet while still enjoying my single status, thank you very much. When it comes, it will come, okay? I know they all think I'm such a freak at this age (twenty-freaking seven!), but I don't treat love like a broken pair of shoes, alright? It's not like, you complain about those old, worn-out shoes you loved so much and they'll simply say: "Buy a new pair." Love is not practical, okay? It's difficult and full of drama, but it's worth the fight if that someone is oh-so-wonderful. The Author

25 RANDOM THINGS:
Okay, so my friend Mary Jo just tagged me on her Facebook - on a challenge to write 25 random things about myself: 1.I'm a middle child. I'm not bossy nor submissive.:P I'm just an artist enjoying her solitude. 2.When I was a kid, I used to hate boys a lot - because I'd thought they were annoying and obnoxious. (Well, sadly - some of them are still.) 3.I'm a tomboy, but I guess Tiger will deny that fact.*giggles* But I'm still a normal girl. Just once in a while, I (have to) dress up more for certain occasions. 4.Unfortunately, I'm also a melodramatic softie.:| Watching sad movies can make me cry. Listening to sad songs and sob stories can bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes I hate that. 5.I've been an internet freak since college. When the real world sucks, you know where to find me. 6.I love to read. You can find me sitting alone - anywhere possible - with either a book, a magazine, a newspaper, or all at once.:P 7.I love to write.:) I write whenever possible. I write everything, but lately my energy's more absorbed into work.:| I've lost count of my blogs. I've already had a few works published locally. 8.I love to sing. They say I'm a good singer. Tiger says I sound a bit like Sheryl Crow, but I'm aware that I'm not that husky.;) 9.I can be very opinionated at times. Some people just can't stand me for that. 10.I used to draw sketches and paint, but now my brother does them better. 11.I'm a better writer than a talker. That's why I can't say I'm not good with words.:P 12.I don't get along with bossy people. I don't like being told what to do and giving orders as well. So, if you want me to do something for you, please ask nicely. 13.How can you tell when I'm in no mood to argue with you or even sick of arguing at all? I keep quiet, but that doesn't mean I agree with your point of view. 14.I am stubborn. You've already noticed that on no.13. 15.NEVER, ever ask me when I'll get married. Just pray for me. Honestly, I'm sick of hearing that overly-repeated question.*rolls eyes* 16.Speaking of marriage, I'm not too crazy about that idea. I'm not looking for a mere status nor a social acceptance/respect/acknowledgement/whatever. But if I want to do it, that'll be because of my own personal decision - NOT social demands on me. I want it last for a lifetime and only with the one I truly love. 17.I still believe in what Nick said about: "Lucky people marry their best friends." I mean, if you don't get along well with your partner, then how are you going to love them completely? 18.I use Facebook (and my other blogs) to voice out my opinions and release all my frustrations. 19.I have expressive eyes. Most people say that. I love my eyes, but sometimes they give away too much. (That means I'm a terrible liar.) 20.I've suffered overeating disorder during my teenage years. These days, I'll punch anyone who dares call me fat. 21.I love cats. Small ones: cute Siamese and Persian cats. Big ones: TIGERS!:D Too bad I'm allergic to animal hair, so I can't hang around them for too long without wanting to sneeze.:( 22.Speaking of allergies, I'm also allergic to dust and pollen. Oh, and my stomach is sensitive to hot spicy food (but once in a while it's okay!) 23.I'm still on my long-term plan to travel the world. So far, I've only been to Singapore. 24.I'm a weird combination of a dreamer, an idealist, a realist, and a cynic. Confused? So am I. 25.I'm bored to death right now, so I'm doing this random list. Enough said. The Author

THE FCE ASSIGNMENT: FORMAL LETTER WRITING - REQUEST
January 26, 2009 Dear Ms.Henderson, I am writing to ask for your permission, for we would like to have a party at the end of the term. The party would be held on March 31 at the college canteen. It would start from 8 until 11:30 pm and we would be playing disco. Amanda would be responsible with the food and drink, while Noriko would be working on the decorations. I could understand that you might worry, considering the complaints from the neighbours and the college cleaners after the last party. However, I would like to assure you that it would not happen again. I promise you that there would not be any noise after midnight. We would also keep the rooms clean and tidy after the party. I look forward to hearing your reply. I hope you would give us your permission. Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact us. Thank you. Yours sincerely, Ruby Astari

HAIL TO THE LONG WEEKEND!:D
Alright, I've got reasons for not updating in a few days: 1.I'm pretty short on cash - and I need to survive until the next 'pay-day;.:P 2.I've been very busy. 3.I was hiding a surprise for Tiger.;) ........................... I'm sure you're wondering about reason number three. Well, Tiger's birthday is on January 22. I've always wanted to give him something special - despite the stupid distance. We've already known each other for over four years. He's always been my best friend and a sweethearted kind of guy. Enough said.:) So, I decided to visit "Wannabe" - a recording studio open for public in Melawai, South Jakarta. Actually, I've already asked my dear brother (and his band-mates) to help me on this one since last month. I was planning to sing just one song - the cover version of Relish's "It's You I'm Thinking Of". (Fyi, Relish is - was - an Irish adult alternative rock band with that hit wonder back in late 90's.:P)I'd thought it would've been the most suitable song - related to...err, our situation.*blushes* Unfortunately, as the D-day drew nearer, none of the boys could help me with this little project. I'd also planned to ask my brother's best friend Arie for help too, but he was extremely busy with work. And "Wannabe" turned out to be the best last resort.:) It's actually a karaoke recording studio. No problem.:P But the song I was looking for just wasn't on their availability list. So, I had to pick some back-up tracks.*shrugs* The reason why I chose not to write in here for a few days was because I knew I couldn't hide my excitement that well. So, I had to wait until after the 22nd.*giggles* Tiger could read this anytime. And I'm glad he loved the gifts.:) Making him smile equals my (most) beautiful day. Now, I'm just going to enjoy my weekend. The Author

THE FCE ASSIGNMENT: INFORMAL LETTER WRITING
Jakarta, January 15, 2009 Dear Saad, Thanks a lot for your lovely letter. It was great to hear that you’ve finally gotten to have a holiday there. I’ve just started teaching again this month. It’s been very hectic here. But don’t worry; I’m still enjoying my job. By the way, I’ve got awful news for you. Do you still remember Ario, my best friend since college? He passed away last week on January 8. His family told me he’d suffered from acute meningitis. I’m still coping reasonably for his sudden death, but I’ll be alright. Mother told me that I must learn to let him go. Guess what? After what seemed like a very long time, I’ve finally started writing again. There’s an online writing contest I’m planning to enter. The prize for the first winner is quite tempting. The first winner will receive three hundred thousand rupiahs. I know it’s not much, but at least I can thrive myself to the writing challenge. Wish me luck, okay? Anyway, I must sign off now. Hope to hear from you soon. Lots of love, Ruby

THE DAWNING REALIZATION
Dear Pumpkin, It's been over a week since your funeral on January 8. I know some people might think I'm crazy for writing to a...dead man like this. Others may understand - perhaps just a bit - but also worry that this may not be healthy. Well, don't worry. I've already accepted the fact that you're gone. Besides, my best friend Hani wrote to her deceased father too, but she keeps it. I guess - in some ways - everybody needs an emotional outlet. Oh, yeah. I didn't get a chance to introduce you to her. Or to Nick, the cute redhead who visited me last year on June here for thirteen days. I understood you'd been awfully busy. Work was very demanding. But hey, that was okay - especially since I knew how much you'd enjoyed it. It was your dream come true. I was so proud of you. (And still am, of course.) You'd started from scratch to the top. Everybody still misses you here. (And of course, you will be missed.) You were always the most cheerful, despite having your own problems. But CB was right. Life goes on. We must carry on. And that night after your funeral, Mom simply told me to let you rest in peace...for good, that is. Since you were always a sweet friend to this sourpuss tomboy, then okay. I'd have crossed those who hated you for who you were, remember? I cared for you that much. If you could see me now, you'd be surprised.:) I mean, I'm still a tomboy - but they say not so much of a sourpuss anymore. A lot has happened. I've survived my overeating disorder long ago after college. I love my teaching job. Occasionally, I dress well - and sometimes put a nice hairdo and a little make up on. Yes, you'd be proud of me. I'm taking care of myself more now. If I excel at it, then it won't be a problem taking care of someone else too (like in a relationship, for example: marriage.:P) No more boyish, oversized T-shirts, gloomy-looking checkered shirts, and scruffy jeans. I work-out regularly too - especially when I get stressed out. It works better than finding false comfort in having too much chocolate bars. I know I can never be thin (and who are we kidding, right?*big evil grin and giggle*) But I'd like to stay slim and healthy for as long as possible. I'm sure you'd agree with that. That's what matters more. Once you feel healthier and care about your looks in a more positive way, then screw what those jerks out there say. True beauty always comes from healthy, happy people. Well, your death has brought a dawning realization to me. I mean, I've realized this long ago that this life we live is very short. Your death hit me in the head (and heart) as a crystal clear reminder. I'm a year older than you, but I've got to live longer. Isn't it ironic? But I guess that's just life. God works in mysterious ways. One simple order to the hands of fate, and then that's it: time's up. You have to go home. I guess that's why I've once again told Tiger how I still really feel for him. Yes, Pumpkin. This one about me is still the same. I'm sure you could understand why - after all these four years - my love for Tiger hasn't changed at all. It just keeps growing stronger, although I've tried opening up to another guy too. I'm sorry to tell you that this one's somehow broken up the record against my "three-year" policy.:P But I'm not sorry for having this kind of love at all. I can't just kill the most beautiful thing that's ever existed in my heart. I just won't. *deep sigh* No surprise, isn't it? Why? I don't know.*shrugs* I just know that I've never felt something this incredibly strong before - so strong that it strengthens and weakens me at the same time. So strong it breaks my heart once again. The walls of my own denial are crumbling to pieces now. I am completely shield-less. The distance factor still sucks like a total bitch getting in my way. Plus, he's slowly on the verge of giving up about having another relationship. I can feel him emotionally slipping away from me. I am terrified, Pumpkin. I know I can lose him anytime soon too. That's why - before it really happens (but I beg God it won't!) - I've made sure he'll never forget how much I truly love him. Life's a bitch but you've got to face reality - oftentimes in the shape of those invisible, yet disturbing demons at night that crawl in your peaceful sleep, stealing solace out of you and just bringing silent tears to your eyes. But this time, I'm not about to just give up without a decent fight. Call me crazy, but I believe girls like me can be the answer to shy guys.*big evil grin* I'll only back off completely if it turns out that he's falling for someone else and they want me out of their lives. It hurts, but I can't think of anything else right now. I can only feel. I'm tired of thinking too much and not doing anything in the end. Do you think I can (and should) do this, Pumpkin? Just one last fight, one way or another. Why? I'm not really sure I'll ever find another guy who makes me feel this way again. It's so dead pathetic but true. Well, sleep well, my dearest friend. I shall bug you no more with this stupid, pointless letter. lots of love, The (Once Sourpuss) Tomboy

PUMPKIN (1982 - 2009)
I can recount so many stories, good memories about you here. An entry won't probably be enough. You were always the tallest in our group. My cousin Andin and CB met you in high school, and I started hanging out with you guys more during second semester in college. Somehow, this sourpuss tomboy had gradually become a part of you. With Dave, we became The Crazy Five. But we still hung out with other good friends. That was what you'd always liked: the exciting crowd. The more the merrier. Friends - including the (most) trusted ones. You always needed more colours and beautiful shades to enrich your life. The sunny sky was more perfect for you, although you could never literally stand the heat outside.:) We'd shared laughter and tears, started and broken (insignificant) fights, and managed a solid bond. We'd even shared the same journal, full of pictures, funny messages, and crude jokes. It was our fun little world in a book. Looking back, I can't help but missing our carefree, college days.:| They feel like worlds away, don't they? Reality after college has pushed each of us away - all to different directions, weightened with adult responsibilities and racing wildly against time. Work, marriage, higher educations, solo adventures, personal goals... A week before January 8, I had a very weird dream about you. You called me on the phone, sounding most cheerful than the last time I'd heard you. God, we hadn't talked in ages! "I'm having a farewell party next week. You should come." "A fare-Pumpkin, where are you going?" Before you could tell me more, I woke up. I hadn't thought of that dream again until January 8. I remember waking up to Andin's phone call, but the battery was very low it went dead the moment I picked up. After having it re-charged, I texted her number and she gave me a shocking reply. You passed away. It took a moment for me to let the message finally sink into my brain. I told Mom and my sister. (Remember Indira? She still works in MRA. You've always talked to her whenever you needed to borrow some clothes for Cosmopolitan's photo sessions.) I silently thanked Mom for calling Andin to get more information about your...your funeral. But then, she said I should call your home. I suddenly remembered our long conversations on the phone. I guess we'll never be able to do that again. I talked to your brother Tommy on the phone. He obviously sounded tearful, so I didn't have the heart to make him talk longer. My own throat also felt clogged. I just gathered the most necessary information and thanked Tommy, urging him to stay strong. He thanked me and I hung up. A major sore throat for two months? You were in Surabaya when that happened?? How come I didn't know? Where the hell have I been?? Tommy said you'd been overly exhausted from work, yet you still kept pushing yourself too hard to meet deadlines after deadlines. No, I'm not blaming anybody for this. I knew you were always the most ambitious one when it came to reaching out for the stars. You mostly focused on what you wanted to achieve, and that was what I'd always admired you for. But hey, didn't you remember that I once told you to take it easy - even for just once in a while? I'm sure I wasn't the only one telling you that.:( Tommy also said you passed away at 10 pm, on January 7. They were driving you here in an ambulance. A long journey, my dear sweet friend. You'd have preferred an aeroplane.:) Mom was shocked too, you know? She remembered driving us away from college after class while listening to your tad incoherent chatter. Your babbling always made her laugh. But she cared about you too. She'd always asked about your day, your classes, and even your dreams. She'd invited all of you to my surprise, 24th birthday bash. She said you were very unique, sweet, and genuine. I couldn't agree more. You'd always opened up to people, letting them crash in your room and pour their hearts out on you whenever they had problems. I wonder why you seldom did the same to us. You barely talked about your own problems, except some people who just didn't (want to) understand and accept you as you were. I met your little sister Dinda by the time Mom and I showed up at your family's house in Cinere. She's a high-school senior now! I couldn't believe that it's been a very long time. She used to be a chatty little girl, but she was tad quiet that day. I could understand why. And Tommy? He's a fine young man now. He's always been the quietest among the three of you, so I once tried my best again to comfort him, telling him that he should stay strong and patient for the rest of your family. He just nodded slowly. That poor kid. He still looked terribly shaken. You two had shared the second floor at home for the rest of your life, your separate bedroom doors facing one another. I remember your cranked up R&B CDs competing loudly against his noisy rock tracks. I know I rarely talk to your dad. I saw him slowly crumbling. It was your mother who had been the strongest. She was calm most of the time. She'd asked me to forgive you, but I just couldn't remember any of your faults. Did we ever fight? Even if we had, there were hardly a memory left in my brain - but only the good ones. You were always the forgiving kind, because you never wanted any enemies in your life. You hardly said bad things about other people, except maybe about their horrible fashion taste.(*smiles softly*) If somebody hated you for who you were and would never (want to) understand, you just wouldn't bother at all. (Although I'd have crossed them for you.) Too many memories to recound, our friends would say. Dave had wanted to see your room, so - with CB and I - we trudged upstairs. "Oh, my God." We breathed and walked in quietly as the door opened. Your room was still the same. Only your walls were painted in a lighter shade of green. They used to be blue, just like the walls in my room. I couldn't find your old Destiny's Child's posters. But other than that, your things were still in the same spots. Your TV and stereo, your piles of cassettes, CDs, and VCDs on your desk. Your stuffed animals on the bed. Your comic books, fashion magazines, and chicklit novels. You loved chicklit. I spotted Sophie Kinsella's "Can You Keep A Secret?" - the one you'd promised to lend me. "You fashion maniac, "I sighed, my tears starting before I could stop them. "I'm going to miss you." "We shouldn't be here," I heard CB start to cry too, while Dave was frantically searching for our old journal. He couldn't find it. "Too many memories..." "Hey, look," said Dave suddenly as he pointed at a photo frame. CB and I looked at it too. Oh, Pumpkin...:'-( It was our old picture together from the photobox in PIM - years ago. Our carefree, college days. It was the only picture we could find in your room. I guess we'd meant a lot to you the way you meant so much more to us.:) I stuck around until after your funeral at night. I saw more people come as the dawn was close to an end. Dika and Nida and the others had to go home early. I saw your co-workers from Cosmopolitan Indonesia, including your boss - the famous author Fira Basuki. She looked very sad too. We got to see you one last time when they finally arrived...with you in a coffin!:( I remember you once joked about being like Aaliyah as Queen Akasha in "Queen of The Damned", lying in an open coffin and waking up with 'style'. I'd just laughed it off, saying you were crazy. I couldn't laugh about it again that night. I could only see half of your face and didn't dare look closer, although the rest of you was covered with white cloth. Everybody was crying. Dave was holding the sobbing CB and Yayee. Your siblings were almost hysterical, refusing to even have one last look at their dear brother. Your mom had to console each of them with a hug, saying, "It's okay if you don't want to." Since Dave, CB, and CB's husband Bear had to go early, I followed everyone else to your funeral in Jagakarsa. It was a rainy night, but at least the procession went well. I didn't care that I was soaked and wet all over and my shoes were caked with mud. I just had to say goodbye to you. "At least he's no longer in pain," your mother told me with absolute finality. "He can sleep in peace now." Good night, Pumpkin. I love you, buddy. And I'm going to miss you so much...Ario In The Loving Memory of Ario Wibowo Subagyo (October 2, 1982 - January 8, 2009)

THE MISUNDERSTOOD "MS.INDEPENDENT"
The last dream I had was very weird. I was back to being seven years old - with my short, dark messy curly hair and much chubbier pink cheeks. Softer, light-coloured skin and a childlike, carefree smile and giggles. Happier moments and all that stuff. I was with my family on some out-of-town trip. We visited a ceramics' store. (I remember the very last time we did that was a long, long time ago - during a trip to Kasongan, a home industrial corner of Yogyakarta. And I was no longer seven at that time.) Then something terrible happened. Clumsy little me accidentally knocked over a vase off the counter. It fell and crashed to the floor. The loud noise was pretty shocking I jumped back, nervousness rising up inside me. At that time, there were only Dad and me, and a clerk on duty. The three of us stared down at the splinters on the floor in eerie silence and equal horror. After that, Dad yelled at me. He was always like that when we were kids. Whenever we did something terribly wrong, he just loved humiliating us in public like that. I remember silently resenting him as a child for that. But there was something strange in what he was saying. He said I should be responsible for my own actions. And then, to my surprise, he contradicted his own words by taking his wallet out of his pocket. Just as he was about to take out some money to pay for the broken vase, I suddenly took out my own wallet. "No, Daddy," my smallish voice chimed in. "I got it." As I took out a fifty-thousand bill, I suddenly realized something. I'm seven. How the hell do I own a fifty in my wallet? Let alone, how do I own a wallet? I'm still seven. As far as I remember, I never own any. I never did, actually. In past tense, I reminded myself. I'm 27 now. I have a stable job. I make my own money. I don't need Daddy to clean up my own mess --- Then I felt myself change. I was the present, grown-up me again... And I finally woke up. Just like that.*shrugs* That dream feels like pure contradiction to me. I believe most parents in this country where I live are naturally like that. As their children grow up, the parents still (tend to) play a double-standard role. They demand maturity and self-responsibility from their adult children, yet they still treat them the same - as little kids. In other words, they don't want to let go completely. It's like having one foot out the door with the other still in. It's like letting the young birds fly - but not too far and not too late. They must return to the same nest at dawn's end, eventhough they may have built their own ones somewhere else. And that seven-year-old version of me in that dream was obviously the symbol of my inner anxiety lately. God, I've been thinking about it way harder than I thought, haven't I? But no, I can't find my own place in this same old, boring city. I just can't, okay? I need to get away. And please, don't tell me I don't have enough guts or strong will or whatever the hell they all might tell me. Besides, I'm sick of hearing that! It's just not that simple and easy, okay? They just don't get it.:( I need to step out of the comfort zone, because soon this starts feeling like a permanent sleeping pill on me. I'm scared. If I get another scholarship abroad, then Mom will have no more excuses left to keep me here. I'm sorry if this sounds awfully mean to you, but this isn't about her or the rest of my family. This is more about me, trying to find somewhere I really belong - where I can be just me without too many expectations and demands. Is it really too much to ask? But most people in this country still won't understand. Maybe it is too much to ask.:( Some of them might even think of me as a smug, stuck-up bitch who doesn't need anybody. They find 'Ms.Independent' a serious threat to their bloated ego that's been slowly poisoning society for centuries. Honestly, I just don't get it. What's wrong with wanting to become a fully-independent woman? Is it so bloody hideous? What are they really afraid of? Guess what? I'm still punching the walls of misunderstanding in front of me...layer after layer. But hey, that's not a real surprise anymore, is that? *sneers* I've been doing that for a long time but have just come to realize that today. Funny, hehe. The Author

MENTALLY BUZZED
Well, you can say that today is my last (real) holiday.:P My night class officially starts tomorrow. And I'm still thinking about the new lesson plan. But no worries, for the regular classes will start on January 12. That means I still have enough free time to do my fun hobbies. Reading, writing, exercising, watching HBO, listening to music, going all around the city all by myself... I know.:| I'm well-aware that I just don't do much these days. How sad. I need something fresh, something new and more challenging, fun and exciting to do. It's been six months on the job, and maybe I could risk trying out for a freelance side-job. It's not that i'm not grateful with what I've already got now. I just need to...you know, find another experience. Polish some new skills. There's a slight difference between feeling grateful for what you've already got with...easily satisfied. I mean, if you're easily satisfied - then that's just it. You want to keep what you've already earned. Well, that's good. That's okay. But what then? What's next? Is it going to be just like that?No further progress at all? A complete stagnation in life - a.k.a.stuck? Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not a greedy person. I know that everyone has their limitations. But is it wrong to raise our bars a little higher for once in a while? Of course not! We'll never know if we don't try, remember? That doesn't mean we want it all, because we can't always get everything that we want. We can only gain what we (might) need from our own experiences. For me at least, being grateful is all about maintaining what you've already got - while still moving forward for something more. Is it possible? Well, I'm not asking the whole world to agree with me completely. But then again, why the hell not? This is about making the most of our lives here. The Author

SO...MELLOW...AAARGH!:x
*deep sigh* I can't believe this long holiday is very close to an end soon.:P My night class starts next Tuesday. My 'almost twin' at work Wahyu just reminded me that FCE starts again next Wednesday morning. Well, at least I'm ready to make more money.*big evil grin* I haven't done much since yesterday. Just reading, writing, and mostly losing myself in HBO and stuff. (Pretty lethargic, huh?:P) Oh, and I went to the gym yesterday. I paid for my and my brother's membership cards for this month. Then I pushed my usual speed limit a little faster on the treadmill. Cold Stone is yummy, but now I'm freaking out like crazy. There's no way in hell that I'd ever let myself slide and go back to being The Blimp. No way.*rolls eyes* Don't get me wrong, people. I'm not so bloody shallow. If you've been treated bad because of your weight and how you look like, then you'll know what I mean. I just want to be more comfortable with myself. If we're not comfortable enough with ourselves, then we've got to do something about it, right? Well, that's what I'm doing with myself. Like I've already told my friend Patrick on his radio show long time ago, true beauty (actually) comes from a healthy body. If you're healthy, then you'll (normally) feel happy. If you're happy, then you'll feel more positive about yourself. Once you're feeling (more and more) positive about yourself, then the (hopefully saner) people will notice your true beauty and appreciate you as (who) you really are. How? I'm sure most of them can tell if you take care of yourself well or not. Isn't that right? Right?? Well, what if the guy you have serious feelings for just isn't interested in you - at all? It's nobody's fault, actually. You're just not his type, although he's probably yours. He's just not that into you. It's not because you're not beautiful enough. (Please, don't buy that crap!) End of story. Don't fret too much about it. Trust me. You've got much better things to do. Don't waste your precious time. Nick once told me kindly: "What matters more is what's in your heart, mind, and soul." Awww...:) :(... I miss him. I miss him so. I somehow tried calling him, just to say happy new year, but he failed to pick it up in time. So I just left him a voice message: "Happy New Year, Nick." And I still miss you so. God, help me, please...:'-( Minutes later, his text came. He wrote about how sorry he was that he'd missed my call and he said happy new year too.:) Either way, he's still a sweet friend, isn't he? I am still lucky. I should be grateful for that, at least. "Di ruang rindu, kita bertemu..." (In a room of longing, we shall meet) ("Ruang Rindu" by.Letto) The Author

@MOSTFEAR AND "BEDTIME STORIES"
I didn't do anything special on New Year's Eve. I didn't go out, except to just play with the neighbour's cats on the streets. (They're just cute!:D Pretty kitties.) I mostly just stayed home, reading SPICE!'s latest issue and Sophie Kinsella's "Remember Me?" Watching "The Pirates of The Carribean Trilogy" marathon. But on the afternoon, I got to hang out with the girls again - Fitri and Nezzie.:) And a guy - Nezzie's Tio.:P We hung out in FX, Senayan, Central Jakarta. We had ice cream at Cold Stone. (Actually, the girls had already had some before I came - because I was very late.*blushes* I got a little stuck in the rain.) Since I've already tasted the great chocolate fudge, I ordered cookie doughnut. It was sooo yummy too!:D Then we decided to watch "Bedtime Stories" - starring Adam Sandler. On our way to the cineplex, I spotted "AtMostFear" - the tall, giant slide all the way from the seventh to the first floor. I wanted to try that. In fact, I've been wanting to try that since the very first time I visited FX with Nezzie and Jules. So, after buying the tickets for the seven pm show, I decided to buy another ticket for the "AtMostFear" challenge. It's tad expensive during holiday season, so the girls didn't feel like trying that out too. (And Nezzie said Tio would catch up with us soon.) After that, I stood in a queuing line, waiting for my turn. I asked Nezzie to take my yellow bag for a while. The girls just waited outside the gate and watched. By the time it was my turn, they asked me to wear several important things for my safety. The helmet. The huge (rather smelly, ugh!:|) jacket. The woolen-gloves (also smelly!:|) The knee-pads. A girl in a blue polo shirt with the "AtMostFear" logo asked me as she was helping me putting things on. "First time?" "Yes." "Test-drive, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Okay, you're all set." She pat my arm and gestured me toward another entrance. I just spotted another daredevil disappear into an open, loophole tunnel and heard his (or her??) loud screech all the way down. I gulped and turned to the girl nervously. "Any accident before?" She laughed. "We don't want that to happen, do we?" *gulps* Right. Of course, nobody does. Hehe.*shudders* Here we go, I thought as I sauntered to approach the loophole thing. Four guys in the same blue polo shirts stood by to help with the preparation. One was a photographer (for their documentation, I suppose.) I saw a sled-like thing made of thin, rough cloth with a black leather rope on the front at the edge of the loophole. They told me to sit on it and put my feet in what looked like a huge bag in front of that sled-thing. It was pretty slippery. (Yikes!) They had to grab hold of my jacket so I wouldn't fall in way too soon and slide myself out of safety. I had to pull the rope to keep my feet covered. I had to lay back a little, but not completely down. They asked me to keep my chin pressed against my chest - the entire time. "Don't ever let go, don't close your eyes, but it's okay to scream." Whoa, wait! What is he talking about?:O "Wait, turn around." I did, and faced the camera. "Smile!" Click! I grinned (or winced? Grimaced??) Then I heard them say: "Ready?" "Yes." Did I just say that? But it was too late. With that just one push, off I went. Down and down inside the long, loophole tunnel in an enormous speed. I could see the plastic ceiling moving past my head until my body started spinning wildly. Dizzy! The next thing I knew, I closed my eyes the entire time and just...screamed. I was literally spiraling down the drain. I was screaming like I'd never screamed before. (Screaming? No! I was shrieking. Horror-movie shrieking!) I couldn't stop until I felt myself (finally!) thrown out of the loophole, flipped over and then landed pretty hard - close to the edge of the huge black mattress on the first floor. My very first thought was: Wait, where's my slipper? It took a few seconds for me to breathe (normally) again, and then rolled back slowly. I saw two guys in blue polo shirts rush closer to me, but I just couldn't help myself. I threw my gloved fists in the air and shouted in victory. "WOOOHOOO!!!" I heard people laughing and I automatically joined in their laughter. I couldn't stop laughing, even as the guys helped me to my feet and started removing the helmet, the pads, the gloves, and the jacket. One of them returned my slipper - thrown off somewhere on the mattress behind me. I guess this is what they call 'hysteria'.:*big evil grin* As I wobbled around to see the huge screen, I spotted my time record and couldn't believe my eyes. 9:57. Less than ten seconds. Wow!:O And now I know why they call that "AtMostFear". It felt like an out-of-body experience!*giggles* I half-staggered back to the elevator and returned to the seventh floor to meet the girls. By the time the double-doors parted, both Fitri and Nezzie were already in front of me - looking a bit worried. They said they saw me from the screen, flipped over and nearly falling off the mattress. It turned out that I'd stopped screaming completely at that time until Nezzie had to ask Fitri, "Is she okay?" *giggles* While waiting for the movie to start (and Tio too, of course), we ate early dinner at Cartel. The yummy potato wedges must be made with BBQ powder. And the sauce was made of cheese...and curry. Hmmm...:P Tio finally came. We talked a while until it was time for the movie. I bought some orange juice before I got in. "Bedtime Stories" is incredible. I love it!:D Very funny and heart-warming too. I wonder what would happen if I started telling some kid I know a story about an ordinary, non-princessy girl getting her prince of dreams despite the odds - then having it come true the next day. :|... I know. There's always this thing called 'real efforts'. The Author

THE UNEXPECTED REMARK
If God wanted to send a direct message to me right now, I bet He'd say: "You didn't pass last Ramadan's test. You're still temperamental." :(... Have I ever, actually? I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe never will.*shrugs* I mean, the angels on both of my shoulders have my scores. (Btw, I once told Nick about this and he just freaked out like crazy. Hehe.*big evil grin*) I can only feel and speculate about all I do. I mean, it's already been written long before this life ever existed that human beings tend to be so dull and repetitive - especially when it comes to making the same old mistakes again and again. ........................... Btw, Happy New Hijriah Year for all muslims out there.:D May we become better with our true roles in this world. Amen.:) Dad's relatives came to visit us last night. (Yes, this is just how they celebrate New Hijriah Year. Staying up late for their communal chat and eating until they're drop dead asleep.:P) I don't really mind, though. Besides, Mom made her famous, yummy spaghetti with meatballs - and they also brought over some fried noodles. So, it was practically a "noodle-night".:D Then suddenly, my step-aunt somehow seemed to (want to) pick a fight with me. As I was about to shake her hand (like any polite, Javanese child should to the elders), she successfully froze my hand in mid-air by grinning and nonchalantly saying: "Wow, you're overweight again." ........................... Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP, SHUT UP,SHUT UP, AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Wow, you left your manners at home. I hope you can still remember that you're the guest here.*sneers* No, I didn't say that back to her.:( But I didn't (want to) shake her hand either. I don't care if they all thought I was being rude.*rolls eyes* Hey, I didn't start the whole thing, okay? She did!:x Besides, nobody asked for her opinion about my body. It was also the second time she said that to me - IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY! GOD!! GRRRHHH...!!! *scoffs* No use bitching. It's just the same old story once again. Nobody will take my side, so I'll just shut up. They'll simply accuse me for being overly touchy. Thanks a lot, people. You can all forget that FAT people have feelings too.*rolls eyes* *deep sigh* My cousin texted me again about our plan to go to the gym tomorrow.:) Thank God, a quick anti-depressant for me - although the effect is still rather temporary. But hey, it's still better than nothing. Well, let's just hope that we don't have to deal with stupid asshole drivers tomorrow morning.:| That's clearly not what I need. The Author

MISSING YOU...:'-(
It's a good thing I can keep track of my daily life here. I've noticed that my emotions tend to get really negative during the end of every month. You may call it PMS or whatever the hell you like.:| I just need to make sure that this doesn't hurt anybody, including myself. *deep sigh* I don't know what was wrong with me last night.:( Come to think of it, it was pretty embarrassing. I felt so stupid. I know that if you're already (considered) a real grown-up, you're supposed to (know just how to) handle this matter elegantly/gracefully/whatever. Okay, it all started when Hani texted my cellphone last night. (For the record, she's my best friend and just the greatest person.:) I'm not blaming her for this or anything, because the real problem is just...me.:|) We usually keep each other posted when we don't get to see each other for real. Then she told me about Nick's trip to NY. To be honest, I was a bit...stunned. He simply e-mailed her that, but never told me?? I thought we usually let each other know, like we normally did back then. What happened to us? I understand that we can only be just friends, because I chose to stick to what I believe in. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive over nothing. But somehow, I wasn't thinking straight last night. I mean, I know that we don't talk as often as we used to. We're both busy with life. The last time we actually chatted online, the timing was always lousy. I couldn't stay long because of work. He was tired from college, studying, or working on some paper. He needed sleep. That's okay. I can totally understand that. (Been there, done that.) I can also understand that he can no longer afford the expensive long-distant phone bills, especially with the global crisis going on lately. So, he doesn't call anymore. No more texts exchanged too. I somehow dialled his number last night. I couldn't stop myself. After he picked up and answer with that awfully familiar "Hello?", I started freaking out and hung up quickly. God, I miss that warm, sweet voice so much.:( But I just couldn't bear to hear that. It hurt... So I just dropped the phone and...sobbed.:'-( I thanked God that last night was pretty dead quiet at home. By the time I was done, I looked in the mirror in my bedroom and just hated what I saw. I looked all too familiar. Same haircut, same teary-eyed, sappy look on my face... ...just like that morning on June 15 at the airport. It was the day I had to let him go, the day when I'd looked at him with tears in my eyes. I still remember his smoky-blue eyes and sweet smile as he said softly, "Smile." "I've been so stupid. I know I should've told you this sooner, "I'd stammered through my tears. "I love you." "I know," he'd just gently said that before hugging me close for one last time. Then he left without looking back again. Just like that. ........................... *sighs* I've made the right decision. I chose my religion over him, and I'd simply do it again. I'm not sorry for that. I'm just sorry that we can't be together because of that. But I won't change my mind. It's been the hardest thing to do, although a part of me will always love him. No lie. I need to get away. I need to live this city to escape memories of him. Even my own room still reminds me of him despite the major re-arrangement.:( I also need to escape this New Year's Eve. Last NYE, he managed to call me at midnight - just to wish me a Happy New Year. God, help me please...:'-( The Author

THE BOILING POINT
I love working out.:D Regular exercise is good. Sweat is good. It can kill off your stress. It definitely releases endorphin to make you feel happier, probably a lot more than just eating your favourite Belgian chocolate.*big evil grin* I know your body tends to ache sometimes after that, but it's still a damn good thing. You get to lose more weight, an advantage most women desire. YAY! You don't get to deal with big-mouthed assholes out there who'll call you 'fatso', just because they think it's harmless.*rolls eyes* (Although sadly, if you happen to look as hot as their fantasy, super-sexy models in Maxim - they tend to use that as a sick excuse to harass you.:| So much for a so-called equal respect and emancipation. Ha!) Want me to tell you another damn good thing about having a regular work-out?:P It can help you release all your negative energy from within. It can crush your pent-up anger to pieces - or should I say, beads of sweat. Oh, yeah! Especially when you're fantasizing about murders and sometimes silently wishing you could just get the hell out of the car, come up to that asshole, public minivan driver behind the steering wheel who just loooves pissing other people off on the street during heavy traffic by making a two-way road into just one by intentionally blocking the other way, although it's obviously wrong and it makes vehicles from the opposite direction can't pass easily. And then, what if we happen to go face-to-face with these kind of drivers during heavy traffic in Jakarta? Normally, we'll just honk loudly and furiously at them and tell them to just move to the right freaking side - because THEY are the ones breaking the rules. But hell, want to know their reaction? They just talk back. Worse. They simply yell back at you. They swear. They cuss. They simply refuse to be blamed at all. No, they're not wrong. NEVER! (Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*) It's just the fucking traffic that makes them (have to) do all that same old shit. There are always other things and people to blame for what they do. They never want to be responsible for what they do. They know no shit about patience, but still have the nerve to tell others to be patient with them. WTF?! Why? They're simply uneducated and also bloody insecure. (Okay, for the record, I feel sorry for the 'uneducated' part - but using that as an excuse to get away with every shit they put others through?:( Just give me a Goddamned break here! There's this thing called self-learning through daily observations, and they don't even want to think.*scoffs*) Oh, and their ego is easily bruised. How pathetic. How weak. They can only bitch to my cousin and me, simply calling us: "Rich brats!" or "Wealthy bitches!" Well, fuck you, stupid assholes!:x Fuck all of you who just love making daily traffic in Jakarta get even worse by what you do. Unfortunately, you're way too damn selfish, shallow, and ignorant to do a reality check with yourselves. So fucking what if my cousin gets to drive her dad's car to the gym with me? Ha! No wonder you're not going anywhere. Your sick jealousy over other people's fortune is just beyond weak and pathetic. Please, I never want to undermine poorer people.:( But with a sick attitude like that, don't ever expect to get any sympathy nor even respect from me. No shit! You don't even know how to be respectful to ladies. Thank God I let you live today, you miserable bastards. Thank God I didn't come out of the car and just bash your stupid head against the window until the glass could break and the shards could've cut your arteries deep, so you'd have definitely bled yourself to death. But mind you, I thought about it. Thank God I didn't do it, but still - go to hell, anyway!:x ........................... *deep sigh* Looks like it's only temporary.:( I'm still angry. Tiger, I wish I had at least half of your patience... The Author

A LOST IDEALIST IN REALITY...
Lately, I've been watching TV news and silently wondering: My country (still, I hope) accepts five different religions to be in here. Islam, Christian, Catholic, Hindu, and Buddha. Now six, with Kong Hu Chu (sp?), I guess. (If I'm not mistaken, especially since after the late former president Soeharto resigned in 1998.) As far as I (can really) remember, long before the riots in May 1998 took place, every citizen in this country had had no serious problems to pray and celebrate their religion-related special days freely. No prejudice, no harsh judgement, and no obviously pure, intense hatred on each other. We were all mere mortals anyway. No necessary fuss about the differences between us. It was all about respect and tolerance upon each other. Peace in pluralism. Yesterday, I watched the news about more guards being placed to protect those who wanted to celebrate Christmas openly and peacefully. There's been this constant, common fear about possible intruders/gate-crashers bringing the bombs in. I can understand that, especially with all the shits that have taken place/been going on lately. Nowhere is ever really safe anymore. Comfort zone is only illusion. But still, it saddens me so.:( Is this the kind of life my country's really after these days? Can we all go back to the time when we didn't have to gaze at someone's face and silently wonder if it weren't a mask for something seriously hideous underneath? Is it possible for us to return to the time when it was safe, it was okay to just reach out for someone's hand and not (have to) worry whether it was a friend's or enemy's? Has innocence ever really existed in the beginning? Or maybe it's also an illusion. Maybe we've all been asleep for too long, or taking too many sleeping pills that look as interesting as those colourful candies in the store. Maybe - once again - I'm just as naive as a gullible child, or a lost idealist within this absurd reality. But if I am so naive/gullible/whatever, then why do I still refuse to pretend that this world isn't getting crazier by the day? I also read the news about the decreasing numbers of foreign tourists coming to my country. Why? It's all because of The Stupid Bill (UU APP). They're afraid. Where the hell am I exactly? And why am I still (stuck in) here? *deep sigh* Tiger never forgets to remind me how strong I actually am. He keeps saying that I'm a good fighter. Tell me now, how can I not love this guy?:) These days, I need to believe that. And as always, so help me, God. The Author

SIMPLY PONDERING...
I forgot to mention that I visited Fitri and D in Panglima Polim last Monday afternoon, right after FCE. We talked a while before I finally returned home. Fitri said that Nezzie wanted to have fun with us after Christmas.:) Good idea. I wasn't tempted tp look at Grandpa's old house there.:( I guess I could understand his feelings that day. Mom said he was still adjusting to the new house in Veteran...really hard. I guess sometimes sentimentality can be much stronger than common sense. Why?:( Why is it still so hard to move on for some people out there? Am I one of them too - whether I realize it or not? Have I been walking forward while my head is still turning back? Don't we all do that - at some point? I guess it's just the law of the universe we can't really avoid. I mean, although I've already known since I started learning to read that my own language - Bahasa Indonesia - never owns it, now I know why past tense exists. Most stories are written in that form. Nick once asked me if I could've just 'carried' Tiger in my heart. Well, I did. In a way, I still do. I guess I always will, but it's not just for Tiger. It's also for Nick. And Joza. And Nanda too. In other words, it's all for the guys I've ever loved...and still. For their ability to just open the usually locked doors to my isolated castle, and their kindness too.:) I'll never forget. They just inspire me. Thank God, for having brought them over. This world is getting crazier by the day, but You always manage to remind me that real, good guys still exist out there. *deep sigh* ........................... Then why can't I move on, like my brother has?:| Okay, scratch that. Why does it take a very long time for me to finally do that? I know it might sound pathetic to you. I mean, look at my brother and his new girlfriend Dindi. Most of them say, it's all about your mind-setting. (Is it really true, anyway?) They all think it's just that easy. Well, maybe it is in some matters - like changing your cellphone numbers or getting a new haircut. *sighs* I don't know. Once again, I'm not making much sense here. Maybe I'm not as practical as I thought I was.*shrugs* Maybe they've always been right about me. I am strange. I tend to choose the hardest way out of (almost) everything in life. Like, for example, when I'm using a cellphone.:P (I know it's not exactly the appropriate analogy, but I just can't think of anything else right now.) While most people in Jakarta love changing cellphones when the new version comes out, I usually stick to the old one until it completely loses its entire abilities/just...dies. Then I'll bid my farewell to it as I turn to the new one. Thanks for your service and everything. It's just like that. There's nothing wrong with being loyal to something you believe in/someone you have true feelings for - I guess, especially if they do you good. But sadly, nothing lasts forever here. You just have to know and be ready when to let go. Will I ever be able to do the same thing again if it turns out that Tiger and I aren't meant for each other and that he falls for someone else? I have to, right? Just like before. As long as he's happy and not getting hurt too many times again. Then, what about me? As usual, I can only rely on God. It's all in God's Hands. The past, the present, and the future. Strengths and weaknesses. Well, I guess that's just all for this entry.:) So far, I'm filling up my long holiday with more reading, writing, and exercise. Good times. For those of you who are celebrating Christmas, may you have a peaceful one. The Author

TWO WEDDINGS AND A(N INDONESIAN) MOTHER'S DAY
Why is it hard for me to sleep early lately?:( And why is it also hard for me to just wake up early too? Okay, don't answer.:P Those two questions are just for me. Hehe.*giggles* I don't know.*shrugs* Maybe it has something to do with my not-so-common working hours. (From one until seven - and sometimes nine pm on every Tuesday and Thursday.) Or maybe it was also because of my flu and sore throat for the past week. I've even skipped gym for that!:( No more.:| No more skipping gym, especially since I also need to recover from my illness and get myself back in (good) shape. I've also stopped consuming the anti-allergy syrup.:( It always makes me feel drowsy and automatically puts me to deep sleep. I mean, how can I be more productive during this long term break if I keep falling asleep?:P That was what really happened to me for the past couple of days! A couple of entries ago, somebody guessed that I might've been from the US. Another also thought of me as full of egotism and narcissisism - right after only reading that entry. ........................... Ha-ha.:P For person no.1, the answer is no. I'm from Indonesia and I live in Jakarta. And yes, my country's government is being keen on dangerous stupidity called The Stupid Bill (UU APP). You may check www.thejakartapost.com for more information about my country.;) For person no.2? No comment here.:P You can check my short response on your own blog.*sneers* Trust me, I don't want to start a stupid fight with anybody online. Anyway, I've attended two weddings in a row yesterday.:P The first one was my cousin Seto's with his long-term girlfriend FitriH. (Finally, they all said with relief.) Since Seto and I are the same age (he was born in December), I had to deal with The Question once again.*rolls eyes* But luckily, this time I've got my answer: "When's your turn?" "I don't have the answer right now, so just keep praying." There.*big evil grin* I hope I don't sound either too rude or desperate. (YUCK!) Last year, whenever I complained about that to Nick, he just smiled and calmly said, "Don't worry about that, dear. Next time they ask you that again, I'll give them the answer.":) :(... *deep sigh* I've made the right decision, haven't I, God?:( It's for the best, I believe. But I'd be lying to you if I told you all that I didn't miss him at all... *sighs* Nevermind. It's no use dwelling on the past. None of us were really ready, anyway. I could sense that from the last time we talked. Like it or not, I've got to move on. Right. At the second wedding, somebody told me that I looked 18! YAY!!:D Can you believe that? That made the zuppa-zup taste more delicious after I'd heard that.*giggles* I just attended the last FCE session this morning.:) Oh, how was the speaking test, btw? Quite good, I guess. I had a little problem with my speed in speaking, I could do it in less than two solid minutes. (Only 1:30!) Nevertheless, I believe I've stated my point of view.:P If the next time the task is about "Reasons To Attend A Wedding", my answer will be: "To get free meals!" Haha.*big evil grin* Before I end this entry, I'd like to say Happy (Indonesian) Mother's Day!:D Mom's always the best. Hani just texted me, asking me to wish Mom that - because her own had already passed away.:( She's the motherless, but I'm the one near tears today.:'-(*snifs* The Author

HONESTY, ANYWAY
Report card, day two. Finally, this is the last day of work. After this, a long, year-end break awaits.:D Yippee! What am I going to do after this?:) Many things. Sadly, thanks to the damn flu and sore throat, I've been skipping gym classes for a week.:| No more. I'm also seriously looking for a feelance, side-job during this long break. I'm also still looking for a scholarship abroad - to USA or UK at least.:D Honestly, I'd love to meet Tiger for real someday, at least once in my life. After that, who knows?*shrugs* As much as I still have the same old feelings for him, I must be realistic. Who knows what tomorrow can bring? Only God, right?;) There.:P I've just said it. I don't care. It's all about honesty, anyway. I know he can read this anytime he likes. (Although he's actually very busy with work lately, so...*big evil grin*) Besides, I actually don't need to tell him any of this anymore. He's already known and it's okay.:) It's been four years. Long ago, I told him that this would never change and I meant it. I still do. I'm not afraid anymore. But it's up to God.:) Just like before. For somebody this special, a greater deal of patience is always required. But what's more important is that he and I are still both equally happy, whatever may come. No promises. No high expectations. Plus, no matter how much it will hurt, you just have to know when to completely let go - if it's just not meant to be.:P Then, what about Nick? *deep sigh* It was a beautiful, sunny June. I'll never forget his sweet smile, beautiful smoky-blue eyes, and soft red hair.:) I've loved him too and still care about him. But he and I both know the odds that are against us. I guess that's why he chose to step back first and it was okay. But we're still good friends.:D That's something I'm forever grateful of. ........................... Alright, enough about guys.:P One of my TE students - a humble book editor/freelance translator/freelance proofreader named DJ - proudly told me that for the next presidential election in April 2009 - he'd never vote for anybody. In fact, he's been a non-voter for the previous three elections. Why? Just like me, he no longer buys all the craps they're selling out for the public's (temporary) sympathy and support. In the end, they're all just the same. Indeed.*rolls eyes* Very true. The Author

THE DARK AGE???:P
Report card, day one. Again, Mom is worried about me coming home late at night. I could only say, "I'll try not to." No promises. Why? I'm not really sure. Besides, although I totally understand her worry, I always prefer facing the darkness out there head first. I mean, come on. This isn't just a (so-called *rolls eyes*) man's world. I live here too. I have the right to walk alone at night without fear of being attacked or getting hurt.:( ........................... *deep sigh* No, I'm not angry with Mom. I'm just sick of the world lately, especially my country's government here. But what else can I do?*shrugs* Nothing.:P I'm just taking care of myself and being careful with everything else. I read about the local artists' major concern about how The Stupid Bill (UU APP) may badly affect their artistic works.:| So, authors, dancers, musicians, actors, directors, cinematographers, dancers, painters, sculptors, sketchers, designers, etc. - please beware. The Dark Age is coming again. I left a comment on that article - my sarcastic style, of course *big evil grin*: "Maybe for us who want to publish our artistic works should put a HUGE DISCLAIMER like this one: 'This is not a pornographic ARTWORK - UNLESS SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN. Please CONSULT YOUR PSYCHIATRIST before you proceed.' And please, stop using the word 'porno-action', because that's not in any dictionaries at all and it sounds so bloody stupid. Only stupid people use it, thank you very much.:P" Hehe.*big evil grin* I don't care anymore. If the supporters of The Stupid Bill read that and get angry with me for implying them as idiots, fine. That's their problem.*shrugs* They may think I'm a total bitch, but at least I'm not a hypocrite.*rolls eyes* The Author

THE FCE ASSIGNMENT - SPEECH PRACTICE
Before I start this entry, I'd like to remind you that - without meaning to offend nor pass harsh judgement on other people - this is merely my own personal opinion. So, if you think I'm just being a little too cynical with this one, then I'm really sorry - because I actually still am, in some ways.:P Alright, everyone. So here's my problem: I've got another FCE assignment for next week on Monday morning at nine. This time, I must prepare a two-minute speech for my English fluency-speaking test. I'm going to present you the topic, plus my personal opinion about it: People have many, different reasons to get married. Among these ten, choose one (whether to state your 'for' or 'against' opinion) and give the reason why: (Yes, for a major step in life like this one - we ought to be extra careful, rational, and sensible. Oh, and don't forget having extra courage too, as Mom often proudly puts it.:P) 1.Companionship. (Yeah, don't we all need that?:) However, what kind of companion do we really need, not just want? The one who wants to keep an eye on us 24/7 and not let us breathe and be who we really are - a.k.a.The Possessive, Ego-maniacal Psychopath *rolls eyes* or the one who'll treat us as an equal partner and a true friend? But hey, as a sensible realist, I guess I've already known my answer!:P) 2.Financial security. (Okay, I know that - in Islam, at least - a husband's obligation is to financially support his family. However - especially these days - it's also a must for every woman to gain her knowledge in education and financial independence. Besides, Islam actually NEVER forbids women to achieve more positive goals outside their families and homes.:P Whoever thinks the opposite, I bet they don't know the real truth yet. Ha!) 3.Love. (Okay, who says that we must always be 100% rational about everything?:P That's clearly impossible, knowing that we're just merely mortals, hehe. I know there are still so many cynics out there - including still, a part of me, I guess - who often question: "What's love, anyway?" The eternal optimists may possibly say: "With love, we can do anything - even the most impossible!" The gloomy pessimists can say: "Love? Can love provide food for the hunger? Is 'only' love enough?" "Your love alone/is not enough/not enough/not enough..." - Manic Street Preachers feat.Nina Persson I don't want to sound too either too naive nor sarcastic here. Can love provide everything we need? What do we really need, actually? Actually, it must. It's supposed to, or else it won't be called 'love' at all. Besides, if it doesn't come from the heart, then it just won't glow. Yes, as a cynic, deep down inside - I still believe in that. It's not just about choosing someone you want (and need) to spend the rest of your lives with. It's also about accepting your dream jobs, making friends, etc. Whether we realize it or not, there's already been a subconscious pattern in all of us - each of us. Btw, love is not just a choice, but also a responsibility. I mean, if you love yourself, you won't let yourself starve to death, will you - no matter how? That's actually the same thing with how we treat other living beings here on earth - and even our personal belongings. The question is, how do we want to be treated in return?) 4.To please your parents. (Okay, as noble as this may sound, let's ask yourself. You're the one getting married, right? You're the one living it. Every good child wants to make their parents feel happy, but what about the child's happiness too? That doesn't mean it's selfish to think of it.:|) 5.To escape from your parents. (You actually can do that by getting a good job out of town or even abroad. Then they'll have no choice but to let you go. I mean, they can't keep their children with them forever, can they? You don't need to get married to do just that. And honestly, this reason is somewhat silly and...tad cowardice. Well, to me at least.) 6.To have children. (No comment on this one. Just check out the real world yourself.:P) 7.To have a comfortable old age. (How do we make ourselves feel comfortable first? Life is full of discomforts along the way. How do we deal with that - no matter how old we are, with or without anybody beside us? Somehow, I still believe that you must be happy with yourself first before starting a relationship with another - or else you'll burden that someone to make you feel happy. If you don't like this, just blame it on Teri Hatcher - because that's actually her quote.:P) 8.To gain social respect. (Ha-ha.*sneers* This is where we may start asking our true intentions if we worry about...them. Is our true purpose all about gaining a mere status, social respect/acknowledgement, or whatever? Aren't we the one getting married? Besides, we can't always please everybody, right? Believe, the question doesn't just stop there. Next, they'll start poking your personal business with questions about kids, their schools, their boyfriends/girlfriends...and the list goes on and on forever. A vicious circle of questions.:P) 9.Reach the age when people are getting married. (Okay, so what? Why do we need to feel so bloody insecure about it? Why do we even bother? Everybody's different. Why must we push other people to start writing on the same page, if they still focus on other priorities to fulfil first?) 10.All your friends are married. (Again, so what???) I still believe that The Right One for each of us comes along in the right time, especially regarding our true intentions. Yes, God is that kind to us. But, since this is only for my FCE assignment, I can only choose one to comment on. Pretty tricky, huh?:P The Author

STRANGE, COSMICAL REVELATIONS???:P
I was supposed to go see Extreme live in concert here last night, but I didn't. Why? 1.I've been feeling ill lately. Flu and the sore throat too. That was why: 2.I didn't bother to ask my brother again for the lost number of the tour's organizer. (Just changed to my new cellphone and I forgot to copy the inbox messages too.:P) Well, that's okay.:) No regrets. I'm not much of a fan, anyway. My brother didn't go either, but that wasn't the point. It just wasn't meant to be. Besides, I have another great reason to feel relieved and grateful with my decision: If I'd gone to that rock concert last night, I wouldn't have met Tiger online.:D Hehe. True, it's been a very long time since the last time we chatted.:) God, I've missed him so. Thank You for answering my prayer on that once again. Btw, it's strange but true. Do you believe in a coincidence?:P What if the same thing happens more than once, twice, or even three times - although not really that consecutive? Can you still call that 'a coincidence'? I don't know.*shrugs* Maybe. Like I've said a few entries back, I don't want to over-speculate things. Although I believe in certain metaphysical phenomenon, I must also think rationally. Actually, it's been almost this way more often than possible for the last four years.:) Whenever Tiger and I lose contact for quite some time and I start to wonder about him, I usually get either a surprise call or just meet him online. Either just a mere coincidence, some unexplainable cosmical connection, or God being this kind to me - or maybe all of the above.*big evil grin* Okay, I guess I'm starting to lose my head here.*giggles* Tiger's getting better, btw.:D No more fever, he said, so he's pretty happy. Good. But the strange thing is, a week before his illness announcement came out on his Facebook profile, I'd dreamed of him smiling. In my people's belief, seeing someone smile in your dream usually means the opposite. Well, no surprise, actually. I've somehow gotten 'it' from Mom. But it's not like in the movies, where every dream (either literal or symbolical) always come true - right away. It's sort of more like a deja vu, when you strat remembering your previous dream and get to relate it to what's happening in reality - sometime after that. Okay, I know that I'm not good at explaining this, but let me give you an example: A week before Grandma passed away, Mom had dreamed of seeing so many visitors at Grandma's old house in Panglima Polim, South Jakarta. (It was sold now.) At that time, Grandma had been in a coma from her stroke. I've told Tiger about this and he was pretty amazed.:P And yes, I've had similar experiences before. Once when I was still a student in ILP, I'd dreamed of my new teacher next term. It was a British lad named Ross. In my dream, he was telling me to get into class immediately. When the new term started, I checked the students' lists and found my name under this guy's class: Basic 3 - Ross Glifford No kidding.:P If it's a good dream, of course I don't mind having it come true. But, if it's a horrible nightmare (like the one about me killing a random guy in white on the street one night), I hope it'll stay a nightmare only. I hope it's only my nonsensical paranoia...:( The Author

BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES...:P
I've been a little too caught up with work and my own anger over The Stupid Bill (UU APP) in my country lately.:( Well, you can't really blame me for that. This time, let me start this entry with recaps of other things in life lately. Time flies, doesn't it? Grandpa's old house in Panglima Polim has just been sold and now he's moving to Depsos-Veteran - not far from where I live. My sister's getting literally BIG.:P Hehe. Honestly, I envy her for having a damn good reason to gain more weight.:P That's what happens to the majority of pregnant women, right? Sometime ago, Nick once asked me about how I was holding up so far. I typed, ok. The truth is, I don't mind at all. Really, as long as she's happy. But still, I sometimes notice that she still acts like a spoiled, bratty teenager to Mom and my brother. Mommy, where's my shirt? Do this and that, and all that jazz. To be honest with you, I'm silently worried here. What's going to happen when the baby is born? Will she become more mature like all grown-women should? I don't know. Maybe. I hope so, because the truth is - pregnant or not - she still gets special treatments. She once asked Mom what she'd do if the baby were born and she had to go back to work. And Mom, a former career woman herself and always keen on pleasing her precious one, simply said, "That's okay. There are still plenty people at home who can watch over your baby while you're at work. Me, your siblings - " "What?" my brother cut in, unusually sharp. Me? I kept my mouth shut the entire time. Why? I didn't want to sound like a harsh, insecure freaky sister by directly saying no. No way. But I knew she was serious and...well-determined about the whole idea. Somehow, I knew that this would be coming soon. Especially since they all know I work in the afternoon until late at night. My only excuses in the morning are the internal trainings, FCE, and gym. What else? ........................... Oh, my God.:( Now I sound like a horrible person. Worst of all, they might think I'm just a selfish, immature brat who just doesn't care. Knowing how manipulative my sister can be sometimes, she'll probably just urge me to start 'practising my maternal-instinct' - while Mom always agrees with everything she says. Once in a while is fine, but what if everyday?*gulps* I mean, give me a break, man. Call me old-fashioned or whatever you like, but the baby should be her and The Husband's responsibility. *deep sigh* Alright, I know I'm being paranoid here.:( But still, I've got to do something about this situation. I must find my own place to stay. I know I can't do it here, because Mom will always have excuses to keep me. Out-of-town plans won't work either. (I still remember my rejected plan to rent a small dorm in Depok with a college friend as a roommate long ago.) That's why getting a scholarhsip abroad is very, very important for me. That way, she won't have any other reasons left to keep me here. She knows what I badly want (and need). It's all about gaining my true independence. It's all about wanting (and needing) to take care of myself first, before being able to take care of someone else (like in marriage, I reason.) But the sad thing is, I can't talk to any of them about this. They'll only think I'm strange, as always. Me and my westernized idealism, they'll say. (And it has nothing to do with certain cultural values, may I assure you!) Besides, living in one house with so many people can take up your personal space sometimes. One of the results is my insomnia. I must often wait until everybody is asleep to concentrate on my work. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I love quiet.:P *sighs* Now I sound like Dr.Seuss' Grinch...:| In the meantime, I'll just keep on searching and trying... Good news.:) My brother is dating a lovely girl named Dindi. I haven't met her personally yet (although, not surprisingly, my family has), but I've heard good stories about her. I've seen their picture together on my brother's Facebook.:P Cute, with creamy-coloured chubby cheeks. Mom said she's the combination of...err, my sister and me. She's tall like my sister, but a tomboy like me.*giggles* She plays basketball and loves Converse too. Well, at least my brother is happy.:D I'd also like to congratulate my pal Al from South Africa, who just got married to his girlfriend Mads on November 29.:D Thanks for the pics, man. I'm happy for you both! Tiger is sick.:( Tiger, if you happen to read this, please let me know how you're doing so far, okay? And get well soon. I'm also still battling the damn flu here.:( At least I've finished this entry, before my head explodes from thinking too much...*big evil grin* The Author

DIZZYING THOUGHTS...
Well, as far as I'm concerned, the silent battle here still goes on and on. Will it become loud someday soon? Possibly, according to their constant, heated arguments over The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Will it ever really end? I don't know. I'm not so sure about anything anymore.*shrugs* *deep sigh* I don't care. I just want to be left alone. They try to 'touch' me, they'll die. It's just that simple. Still, I'm trying to find my way out of here. I refuse to let stupid, insecure, ignorant, and hypocritical people get in my way!:x I've recently had my hair cut. It's quite short now, but not because I want to look less girly so I'll be safe during my night-walks alone. (Or so I believe.:P) It's just my civil right. I've been having an annoying headache lately.:( Thank God this term is almost over, so I can get more rest, thank you very much. The Author

THE (FEMALE) WORKERS' LATE-NIGHT BLUES
In order to start this entry in a much cheerful way, I'll just begin with good news: I've got a new cellphone from my family for my birthday gift.:D I love it! Now I can start my artistic works with better gadgets. My old one is already a bit shattered on the screen and the battery is dying everyday. It's nice that they know what I really need.:) Well, I've been teaching TE every Tuesday and Thursday night at seven. It often finishes at sometime around 8:30 to nine (especially if we start a bit late.:P) By the time I'm about to go home, it's kind of hard for me to find the quickest ride home from the local public transportations around. First, most fellow teachers don't share the same destinations after that. (Sometimes I ride home with Jules in her car after work until Bintaro's intersection, and then I can continue from there with a public minivan. Jules lives in Bintaro, like Nezzie too. But these days, Jules doesn't get TE classes.) Second, oftentimes, the streets are much quieter after nine. Usually, it takes quite some time for me before the public minivan for my destination finally turns up. And sometimes, I need to go to the 'net-bar' for this and every other thing.:P I don't have the time to do that in the early morning. I have gym classes or sometimes I need to go somewhere else. *deep sigh* I can totally understand that Mom worries so much about my safety out there at night.:| In this stupid world of patriarchy, will women ever get equal respect and safety as the outdoor, late-nighters? Sadly, I'm afraid not. True, even in big cities like Jakarta.:( And I know damn well it's not really about the gender. Mom often says she trusts me. She knows I'm brave and independent enough to take care of myself. She believes I know when it's time to watch my own back and defend. She just doesn't trust the rest of the world out there with me. She's also more than well-aware of my temper, which can get me in trouble sometimes. But what can I do? I can't just drop the class and ask the principal to assign somebody else at work. And no, I won't. Hell fucking no!:x I won't even give a shit if The Stupid Bill (UU APP) can give me a hard time about it, especially since Ciputat is the corner of Tangerang. They want to allege me with prostitution charges, just because I happen to be a woman on the way home alone at night? Well, they can all go fuck themselves to death!:x I never tolerate any kind of slandering on women over petty excuses. Those who support such stupidity keep saying that it won't happen like that with women. Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* As if we were that stupid. These days, all the either desperate or greedy souls can (and will) do anything for (more) money. I mean, why the hell not?*sneers* The Stupid Bill can always be freely multi-interpreted as they please, depending on one's need. After all, that's the whole damn idea, right? Two other female teachers who share the same shift as I do also fear the same way The Stupid Bill might possibly impact them. One's planning to drop her night-class, which I totally disagree. Why? If she did, that would only mean agreeing to their partial opinion that no women deserve real respect and safety out there at night. Besides, we're just teachers - not prostitutes. Can't they tell the difference, or they're just way too dumb, blind, and ignorant to notice what's already too fucking obvious? The Author

THE LISTS:
The things that make me feel relieved today: 1.I've survived my presentation last Saturday - in a good way.:D Although the movie file couldn't be opened (yikes!:|), at least they seemed well-satisfied and liked my demo. 2.This term is almost over.:D YAY! After this, I'll have long year-end break until January 12 from December 20. (Well, except for the TE, that is - which will start again on January 6.:P) I'm still having FCE classes on Wednesday mornings until March, but that's okay.:) I like that class. My plans for this long holiday ahead: 1.More exercises. No excuses. 2.Getting another side-job so that I can still earn some money during term break. It's hard to survive only on one job in Jakarta. 3.Writing, writing, and writing. What upsets me the most (until I feel like biting people's heads off!:x): 1.AMINEF rejected my scholarship application.:( 2.Our 'Dear, Beloved' Mr.President SBY has finally signed the legal document for...The Stupid Bill (UU APP). 'Yay'.*sneers* From now on, my country will be working on gradual to permanent segregation. Forget corruption. Why? The highly-corrupting government of this country is willing to teach and lecture the people about moral values - without having their own checked first. Wheee! We're not going to think for ourselves, because - with The Stupid Bill (UU APP) fully-supported by The President and The House of The 'So-Called' Representatives - we are going to be forever dictated and told what to do about which is right and wrong. Why? Because we're still (considered) too stupid and immature be able to tell the difference. The most horrible news is, if you're a woman - they only see (and treat) you here more as mere objects. Aren't we all dumb, brainless Barbies need to be overdressed so the lads won't lose it like all dogs do??? Dear 'Kind' Sir, thank you very much for tearing this country apart. We could never thank you enough for such a banged-up job!!! The Author

A STUPID, MELODRAMATIC STATE...:(
I've been trying to numb myself again lately. Okay, I know that this sounds rather pathetic. But oftentimes, feeling too much about a lot of things can get you seriously distracted and...somehow listless. No success.:| But the truth is, I don't even know if I really want to be that numb...again. In fact, I'm not sure what I really want these days.*shrugs* They say that more exercises can help you to produce more endorphin to make you feel happy. Well, I've just started again, after quite some time. I know that it takes a while before I can start feeling the effect. Don't get me wrong. I'm no longer obsessed with my weight. I know I can never be thin or even skinny. It's not in my gene.:P I have big bones. But I know it'll be nice for me to lose a few pounds and be much slimmer again. Healthier too.:) Yesterday morning, I did something embarrassing in FCE class. We were given copies of a very touching true story from the "Chicken Soup" collections called "She Had His Heart" - a story about a girl marrying her dying boyfriend. (He had terminal cancer.) By the time I had to read the beautiful, romantic poem the guy wrote to her - I couldn't do it. Guess what? I cried in class.:'-( Very grown-up, don't you think?:P *blushes* I guess I have no choice but to finally accept the fact about the sometimes imbalance of...female hormones.:| But luckily, I'd managed to compose really quickly. (I'm 27, for God's sake - not seven!) The teacher thought I was sensitive. (Oh, yeah. Like everyone in class didn't notice that about me already?:P) Or maybe, my friend Ki has been right. A couple of years ago, he told me this: "The older we get, the more sensitive we become." ........................... *deep sigh* I hate this.:( I hate feeling so utterly vulnerable, while the world is getting crazier and out of hand lately. Tiger has told me not to lose faith, and - believe me - I never (want to) stop trying. I'm not too ashamed or hypocritical to admit that - sometimes - I'm slipping away. I'm only human. I make mistakes too, but still want to repent. God, help me, please.:( I know I've never really been good to You. But please, don't let them touch me. Don't let them get to me or clip my 'wings'. For me, being caged is a lot scarier than death itself. (Especially with their stupid rules in this country.*scoffs*) I hope Mr.President SBY is not as dumb as The House of The Representatives to just easily sign the legal document for The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Otherwise, this country is as good as...dead.:x About two weeks ago on Saturday, I was having lunch in Burger King alone. They were a few boys entering, one a male Caucasian. My heart skipped a beat! He wasn't tall nor athletically built. But he was quite pale. He had the same smoky-blue eyes and soft long hair. He was even wearing the same, dark blue T-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. But he was a brunet, not a redhead. When the other guys left to order, he was sitting alone at a table - practically next to mine! I'd almost given in to my sudden urge to just come up to him and boldly ask: "You know? You kind of remind me of someone I know. But he hates junk-food." Hani just texted me this morning, saying that he was online and said hi to me. I miss him.:( But I must move on, right? There's no point in hanging on to a dream - especially if the dream and you just don't belong together in the same page anymore... The Author

TWO BIG, MOUTHED ASSHOLES VS. ONE ANGRY BITCH
My Friday went okay. My Saturday?? Well, here we go... I woke up early for my private tutoring in Bintaro at nine. I hopped on a public minivan after buying and eating a chocolate bar for...umm, my quick, emergency breakfast.:P I sat next to the driver - a hideous-looking dude with crooked teeth and one bloodshot eye. When we reached the fork next to the railway, the traffic was a bit heavy. Since I happened to be the only passenger left, guess what he did. "Sorry, Miss. I need to turn back," he said easily. "You can walk a little until you find another public minivan there." I sighed. Alright. Whatever.*rolls eyes* But then, he suddenly grinned at me and said, "That's okay. Just walk a little and lose some of your weight." What?? I glared at him angrily. "Well, I don't need to be reminded of that," I shot back as I slammed the door shut. His grin faded quickly. I didn't bother to stick around any longer. Then I took another public minivan to Arteri Bintaro. I got off there and an ojek rider (almost like taxis, but they ride motorcycles) called out to me and offered me his service. Not wanting to be late, I accepted gladly. But, by the time we arrived at my destination, he gleefully told me, "Give me a 15 grand, because my bike's been burdened by your weight." Huh?? My jaw dropped and I blinked. Noticing my expression, he casually added with no guilt, " I mean you're fat." No. Not twice in a day. Not another junior high school nightmare, please. NO! Long ago, I would've cried at that or just kept quiet, burying the hurt inside. But not today. "Want me to reduce your fare?" I threatened him curtly, showing him the money without giving it to him. "No." "Well, I can do that." And hell, I would. "Come on," he pleaded, now laughing a little uncomfortably. But I wasn't joking. "I'm going to give you this if you apologize." "Hey..." "Hey, what?!" I barked. He fell silent immediately, but still managed his sickening grin. "Alright, sorry." But his expression translated the real meaning: 'Gee, you're so touchy, bitch.' I finally handed him his fare - but with my final word, of course. "Next time, watch your pipe-hole." Asshole, I added silently. Then, scrutinizing his own heavy-looking posture, I couldn't help but giving him the extra insult: "And check yourself in the mirror first!" For the second time in a day, I'd made a guy lose his smile. I turned to my student's house and marched in, hearing the motorcycle speed off. Whatever. With two, big-mouthed assholes like that in one freaking day, don't blame me for acting like a total bitch. Nobody has absolutely no right to say awful things about your body. Men and women - no difference. I'd call that harassment.:x If anyone has a problem with the way I look, then just shut the fuck up and leave me alone. First of all, nobody asked their opinion about me. I didn't! I also didn't say a damn thing about crooked teeth and a big bum! *deep sigh* That had almost ruined my mood when I finally hung out with the other co-workers at an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT Japanese restaurant! But most of the other ladies thought I was brave/crazy enough.:P Hehe.*big evil grin* But still, I've been planning to straighten myself lately. So, I've just registered myself at a local gym today. No, it's not because of them. I've made up my mind since last month. Besides, it's about time, anyway. That's all.*shrugs* The Author

WONDER...
*deep sigh* At least, I can feel relieved with one thing these days. The research is done.:) Finally. Alhamdulillah. Thank God. Phew!*huffs* But I know I can't just slack off and relax yet. There's still so much work to do. I must prepare more for December 6.*gulps* Then after that, I can really focus more on my 'real' work again.:P And maybe my writing too. Well, I just watched "V For Vendetta" again. Indeed, it's one of my favourite psychological thrillers.:) It's so political too. Natalie Portman is my role model. She's beautiful, smart, elegant, and classy. She's never been in for just mere popularity from the beginning of her acting career. I truly admire her. But what's more fascinating is the story. It's about a totalitarian regime in UK in 2015. A masked man named V stands tall and brave against hypocrisy and injustice - along with his rather radical idealism. That kind of makes me wonder, though, especially with what I fear of what my country is slowly becoming. Do we always need true radicals to fight off something extremely threatening - like my country's ridiculous, (planned) tyranny??? The Author

CREATIVELY...STAGNATED???
I've received three new, empty notebooks. One's from my sister, one I bought for charity, and another's from Menti.:) Personally, I've read this as a sign: I must start writing again. Not just the tiring lesson plans, the workshop paper, or even...this.:P You know what I'm talking about. Poetry, fiction... Oh, yeah. Speaking of that, I still have my delayed teenlit from a couple of years back or so.:P I know that I've been abandoning it way too long.:( But this time, I'm seriously concerned that I might not be able to have it published here in my own country without any hassles - eventhough I'd label it 'Adult Fiction' or 'Teenlit'. Why? It's The Stupid Bill (UU APP), of course. What if they want to outlaw and arrest me for writing - even the most innocent, yet still affectionate (*big evil grin*) - kissing scene in it? Won't that be too ridiculous?:P Or, what if most local publishers choose to play it safe by the (stupid, STUPID!) rule, they want me to either change or even omit that scene - for the sake of the 'better' moral values (*rolls eyes*) - or even worse, they refuse to take the risk publishing my work? Whatever happened to the (decent) freedom of creativity here? Where are the tolerance and pluralism here? *sighs* I don't know. *shakes head* To be honest, I don't get it at all. This is just so freaking stupid. Is my country slowly but surely being controlled by hypocritical idiots? I don't know. Maybe.*shrugs* All I know is that this whole thing can possibly lead to pure madness - fearfully worse than the riots back in May 1998. Pathetic acts for a worthless cause, clearly illogical... Well, if you ask me that a kissing scene is really necessary in my story, let me ask you this: Which one has more terrible effect - a non-verbal affection or an open, political death-threat in the media? ........................... By the way, that one's clearly rethorical.:P I'm not asking you to give me your answers. Well, it's been already less than 40 days before our Dear, Beloved Mr.President SBY will come to his final decision about whether he'll sign the final legalization of The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Since we can no longer trust the sick, twisted brains inside The House of The 'So-Called' Representatives, I hope SBY has better conscience about what's really best and necessary for this already, overly troubled nation...:( The Author

BLACK DREAMS - SOON TO REALITY???
How do we recognize true intelligence and logic? Are good education and knowledge enough? What about the EQ thing - or even common sense? Is it enough for - at least - one particular person to be morally sensible? *deep sigh* I know.:( I don't know just what the hell I'm talking about here lately. I'm not making much sense. Most of the time, I'm feeling...strangely numb on the inside.:| Other times, I'm just silently upset. I'm dead furious and terribly sad at the same time. My head is full of violence within. I feel like punching the walls until my knuckles bleed or just simply destroying everything around me. (That violent and scary, huh?) Sometimes I dream about blood. I dream about losing my teeth and the acid taste of my own blood inside my mouth. I dream of having my nose bleed too. They say it's not a good sign if you keep dreaming about either blood, water, or even thick, brick walls. I also dream about murder. I can still remember the plot clearly: I'm walking home alone at night. It's afterwork, I suppose, because I'm wearing my usual work-clothes. A normal, long-sleeved shirt with a regular tee underneath. A pair of my favourite black, corduroy trousers. My shoes are always either red or black. (And yes, I do have both pairs.) I'm carrying my everyday gray backpack which I occasionally share with my brother. I'm also wearing my black bandanna. Then, just right across the street, I see a tall, handsome man - all dressed in white. He's very beautiful I almost believe he's an angel. His face is shining brightly. It's like, his face practically lights up the dark street around us. And he's smiling at me. I automatically stop and just gaze at him in awe, with soft but rapid beats of my heart. We're all alone there, so it's obvious that his smile is just for me. He's still smiling as he slowly approaches me. I still stand there, waiting for him to come closer to me with my gaze fixed on him. That, until I begin to notice something eerie in him and fear starts creeping in. As soon as he draws even closer, I notice that he's not smiling anymore. He's sneering, with a hungry, evil glint in his eyes. I'm stunned with horror as I step back and draw in a sharp breath. Then I suddenly feel my right hand holding something solid and glance at it. Somehow, I'm holding a Swiss army in my hand. Its blade is as sharp as Wolverine's extra steel claws. How the hell did I get that?! I have no time to think, because - as I look back at the man - he's not handsome anymore. Now he looks as hideous as a scary demon - especially with his hands reaching out to grab me. I scream as I start stabbing him multiple times, almost without stopping. I can hardly recognize my own voice. Dark red blood start splattering out of his open wounds - all over the front of his white clothing, the knife, and my hand. The light in his face somehow grows dim, revealing his true horrific image. That's when I realise. Angels don't bleed. At last, he falls down with a loud thud as I back off. I'm heaving, my shoulders shaking violently. In my mind's eye, I see my own expression and can't help shudder - badly wanting to wake up as quickly as possible. My eyes are hardly recognizable. There are no remorse in them, just rage and empty, cold blackness... By the time I woke up, I still couldn't stop shuddering. God, I hope I won't have to end up as that person in my dream.:( Somehow, that's resulted in my insomnia...again. Lately, I've become more of a nocturnal creature. I can only sleep well sometime around after midnight, making my body as tired as possible until I sleep without having any dreams. When I'm awake alone at home at the wee hours, my eyes glue to the TV screen. (Thank you, Indovision!) I love escaping myself into "CSIs" and "Heroes" (And I love seeing my favourite hunk actor Zachary Quinto, who plays Gabriel "Sylar" Gray. Hehe.*big evil grin* I somehow still find thick, dark eyebrows sexy.:P) To my family, I seem okay. They don't seem to know the real me here. They don't notice what I'm really feeling these days, or maybe I'm just getting good at covering things up. At work, I'm often still the crazy, cheerful personality. But I guess that's just how they'll like you more.:P I still hang out with my friends during weekends. Somehow, they manage to keep me sane.:) I cannot believe that most people think I'm being overly paranoid with the after-effect of The Stupid Bill (UU APP). It's either they're missing the whole idea behind it, being completely ignorant, apathetic, or...stubbornly persistent that it's more than necessary to save this nation's so-called moral values. (Ha!)*rolls eyes* For those who are both missing the idea and ignorant, they're just the same. Well, not exactly a 100% here. Most of them ignore that because they're just...guys. No offense, but I'm just stating the fact here. The law can't touch them easily. Whatever they wear and do outside, they're just safe.*shrugs* For those who are apathetic, they all choose to stay numb and quiet. It's like: "Whatever. This country's going down anyway." And I can't believe that there are even those so-called "smart" college students - even in my night class! - who agree with the word "porno-action". (Say what?*snarls*) I mean, hello! It's not even in the Oxford's dictionary. That's such an idiotic thing I've ever heard in my entire life. That dude even insisted, "Well, maybe they should add that in the dictionary." Oh, yeah. Go ahead and make that trip to UK for that. Let's see what they think of your idea.*scoffs* Y-u-c-k.:| The Author

MENTAL EXHAUSTION
I think I'm still exhausted.:| I seriously am. I badly need a break for my mental health, but - I know - today's just not the time yet. I still have so many things to do. I have to wait until at least this research thing is done. Or maybe, after December 6. Then I can breathe far more freely after that.:P Or better yet, after December 19. That's the end of this term.*big evil grin* Then I'll have a long, year-end break until January 12. It's enough time to write what I really want, right? Nezzie's leaving this Friday. Jules has been thinking about all of us colleagues giving her a farewell gift. Lisa's agreed too. Maybe a big bag will suit her need for her new job. Maybe. Last night, Sika asked me to accompany her after our classes finished at nine. She needed to clear up some space on her desk. She was seriously worried about leaving the office alone. No, not just worried. She was scared. As Indonesian women, we're both well-aware of what's possibly coming next after the damn Stupid Bill (UU APP) being passed.*rolls eyes* And I must remind myself over and over again that Ciputat is actually the corner of...Tangerang.:| I can never forget what happened to that pregnant lady two years ago, and all the shit the local court had put her through over their stupid, prejudiced bylaws over women at night. I hate them for what they're doing now. I hate them for making things worse. I hate them for being such hypocrites for more money in their personal pockets. Mark my words. May AMINEF accept my scholarship application. I don't care if all of you who read this think I'm obsessed with it. Trust me, nobody wants to live under any kind of silent terror - like this... The Author

HEY, I'M BACK!:P
For the past week, I've been busier than usual. Why? I've been working on an action research called "The Effectiveness in Storytelling in The Classroom." What for? The teachers' workshop on December 6. Why do I want to do this? Well, to be honest with you, I actually don't.:| But please, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like doing all this. In fact, I love stories. I don't mind searching for suitable tales and then reading them to kids.:) The only problem I've been having is to find the right teaching aids/tools/whatever. Too bad they don't pay me more for this...:P Oh, well.*sighs* They told me to look at it from the much brighter perspective. Experience. Yes. And I can use the later certificate for my next job resume, perhaps.:P That's why I'm giving this a first shot. But next time, they'll have to assign someone else. I've got lots of stuff to do too.:P Nezzie's leaving soon - this week.:( She's got a new job at a PR Company in Sudirman, Central Jakarta. I'm going to miss her. But she said we'd hang out again in the weekends.:) Besides, she lives in Bintaro, South Jakarta - quite close from where I live. So, I don't miss her that much, I guess. Hehe.*big evil grin* I still think about Nick sometimes. The last time he and I chatted online, he called me: "My friend." That was a clear statement I had to agree with. He was right, and still is. Maybe it's just for the better. None of us were actually ready for anything more than that. Once again, look on the bright side. At least we're still talking as friends.:) And I forever thank God for that.:) But I still care for him anyway. I pray that someday soon, he'll get all the true happiness he really needs and deserves. I also hope that he won't have to be in too much pain anymore.:| Then what about Tiger? Last Tuesday night, we talked again.:D It felt so good just hearing his voice again, after a long, long time. It always felt like those good old times too. Have my real feelings for him ever really changed? I don't know.*shrugs* Maybe, somehow - it's always been the same, hardly disturbed by time and space and everything that may have come in between. Is there any logical explanation for this? I wish. All I know, I've always felt safe with him. I can be who I am. I know that I've been having serious trust issues with guys and also - these days - huge grudges over all those sexist pigs have put girls through (especially with The Stupid Bill - UU APP - again!:x) I know that these days, my problems are getting worse. Again, like two years ago, I'm like a ticking time bomb - waiting to explode... But with Tiger, I don't have to be afraid. It's like he just knows how to vanish all my pent-up anger and then simply make me smile and laugh. Talking to him always makes me feel this happy... ........................... Okay, let's not overly speculate things.*big evil grin* Let's just focus on me these days. That's important too, hehe.*giggles* (You know what I mean, Tiger.) Well, I hope AMINEF will accept me, because I need to get the hell away from The Stupid Bill.:( I refuse to obey those hypocrites. Hell, I don't want to have to deal with their shitload of lies! Btw, my weekend was fun.:) I went to see a movie with Fitri last Saturday. It was a Spanish sci-fi with dark humour called "TimeCrimes" (with the English subtitles, though :P). We watched it at Blitz. Then we hopped to Senayan City to meet up with my friends Patrick, Mary Jo, Andy, and Hardi. It's been a very long time since the last time I hung out with them.:D I also haven't laughed like that in a long time. Patrick was so funny.*giggles* Btw, he smokes now. Duh...:P Last Sunday, I'd planned to visit The Book Fair in JCC- Senayan, but I ended up blacking out and sleeping all day long. I must've been really exhausted.:| The Author

THE RAIN
I guess I must thank God that I decided not to go to HI's circle last night. Why? It was raining cats and dogs - all the way from my favourite netbar to home. By the time I got home, I was soaked and wet. Mom freaked out and told me to change immediately before I caught a cold or something. Indeed, it was pretty chilly. I was shivering. Well, but at least there's a great thing about the rain these days. First, the weather becomes cooler, much friendlier than sometime in the middle of this year before. (Well, even if it means you have to stay indoors for the sake of your good health.:P) I love the rain.:) There's something magical about it, I think. It can describe all my emotions. (Confused?:P Hehe, me too. I don't even know why I'm writing this today.*shrugs*) And what I've been feeling these days? I don't knoe.*shrugs* Maybe you can guess: "I've been walking in the footsteps of society's lies I don't like what I see no more Sometimes I wish that I was blind Sometimes I wait forever to stand out in the rain So no one'll see me cry, trying to wash away this pain..." I guess I'll always have to watch my back for the rest of my lives, eh?*sneers* True justice only belongs to God, not mortals... The Author

DROWNING...:P
Okay, I think I'll need more coffee. Seriously. I've been juggling quite a lot of things lately. Sleep is my freedom and good escape, but sometimes I feel tad guilty doing that.:| Maybe it's - once again - my lousy time management.*blushes* But somehow, I don't want to give up my regular hobbies.:P Reading and writing (anything that's not work-related.:P) What do you think of my last entry here?*big evil grin* I sent that to The Jakarta Post, just in case they might need more for their "Opinion" page. Maybe, just maybe - my heavy sarcasm will hit them right between their eyes. Maybe there'll be miracle that can wipe up The Stupid Bill (UU APP) away from this country. Hmm, let's see.*sighs* What must I do these days? 1.Completing the lesson plans, checking the students' tests and homework (of course, unless if it's term break.:P) 2.Finishing the research paper for the next teachers' workshop conference on December 6 (yes, they've appointed me since months ago, but I kept putting it off.*gulps* Okay, no more slacking around.) 3.FCE class every Wednesday morning at nine. (Thank God I've just finished the homework.:P) 4.Private tutoring for my sister's boss every Saturday morning - for extra cash, of course.:P 5.Translating the script (again, I've kept putting it off for months.*blushes*) 6.Maintaining my hobbies and social life for the sake of my sanity.:P But I guess, I won't be attending "The Mourning Night for The Stupid Bill(UU APP)" at the HI circle, Central Jakarta at seven.:( Hani texted me that yesterday and I'm sure there'll be many people - especially from the NGOs and other independent organizations for women's welfare - but sadly, I don't think I have the time and energy again for that today.:( The Author

THE MORAL POLICE: A NEW, "POTENTIAL CAREER" IN THIS COUNTRY???
Thanks to The Anti-Pornography Bill (recently passed last october 31 by The House of The "Representatives" in the government), there might possibly be a solution for unemployed, desperate Indonesians out there these days. Another new "promising" career related To The Bill? Yes. It is: being the moral police. So, how to be a moral police? It's very easy: 1.You don't need to send your job resumes to any companies, firms, or corporations in this country. In fact, you don't even need your job resumes at all. Why? Because this is actually a freelance job, but supported by the government (through The Anti-Pornography Bill.) And yes, it can earn you more quick money than you can ever really imagine. 2.You decide your own working hours. When? It's up to you. It can also depend on how much money you actually need. You can work 24/7 as a gold-digger if you like. 3.Where must you start? Anywhere. Your neighbourhood, malls, parks, amusement parks, and maybe other tourists' attractions like the night-clubs, museums, traditional markets, and perhaps the beaches too. If you feel insecure about doing it alone, you can always team up with other people who share the same view as you do. The more the merrier, right? Nobody's going to accuse you for forming a "forbidden" party. (Well, even if yours is really a forbidden one, the government won't notice that so much.) What are the good things about being the moral police? 1.You can play God. In fact, you can (keep pretending to) be Him for as long as you like. How? Just point your finger at those whom you consider "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". You can even curse or punish them all - in public if you need audience to watch you in action - the way you want to. 2.What if they wonder about your own moral values and true intentions? Don't worry. You can always pretend that you're the holiest. How? Just wear the "right" clothes, call out the "right" prayers, and condemn those you consider "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". How can you tell? Well, as long as they don't wear your favourite clothes, say your prayers, or even aren't like you at all - you can consider them all just the same. After all, that's the idea, right? Uniformity. You're lucky that your way is considered the perfect role model for others to follow - especially by force. 3.You're allowed to use violence in your mission, especially if they rebel against your preachings and warnings. You can destroy public properties without getting yourself arrested. You can even physically and mentally abuse other people and then just get away with it. People can hate you for that, but - don't worry - the government is always on your side, thanks to The Bill. 4.If you're secretly a serial rapist, The Anti-Pornography Bill can save you from criminal charges. How so? You can always blame your victims for making you feel aroused, even just by their own existence as human beings. You'll get double-satisfaction for that: giving into your lust without guilt or being arrested - and seeing the objects of your lust be put in jail. After all, you're the "real victim" here, right? 5.If you're secretly a serial killer, The Bill can give you valid, justifiable excuses for what you do. Just tell the local authorities that the reason you (have to) kill them is because they're being "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". End of story. Don't worry, you'll get full support from the government of this country itself. So, is anyone interested? You can be rich in a quick way here. The good thing is, they don't even have to know about your real, moral values. Little Ms.Sarcastic

27-YEAR-OLD ME
So, I've finally turned 27 since yesterday. Yep. Happy birthday to me. I know that I must sound more enthusiastic than this. But when you've reached 25 and over - it doesn't feel as earthshakingly important as it used to. (I don't know about most of you here, but maybe it's just me.*shrugs*) Especially when some people in this hometown just love bothering you about your single status.*sighs* So bloody typical.*rolls eyes* Okay, so here are my happy thoughts to keep me sane enough these days: 1.I talked to Tiger last night, after what seemed like almost eternity.:D I don't know why, even after over four years, he still has this effect on me. What effect? Sweet dreams and comforting lullabys (like the ballad he sings.) Chocolate cake and ice cream. What do you think?;) 2.Nick sent me a happy birthday note too.:D Welcome to the world of 27, he wrote.*giggles* 3.All wishes from friends and families. (I'm so lucky!:D) I guess God just wanted me to smile.:) But if you ask me what I'd love the most for my birthday gift this year, here's my answer: No Stupid Bill (UU APP) in my country.:| The Author

MISINTERPRETED, MISUNDERSTOOD...
Alright, let me get this straight. Before I carry on, I need to make sure that people don't get the wrong idea about me. Especially with what I've been writing lately. First of all, I don't support pornography. I'm a woman too, for God's sake!:x I agree that it's morally disgusting and destructive. But that doesn't mean I'll just agree with The Stupid Pornography Bill (UU APP). Why? Once again, I'm telling you that their version of the pornography's definition is totally absurd and ridiculous. Don't believe me? :( Read http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/10/31/porn-bill-passed-despite-protests.html Go ahead. Just see that for yourself. Besides, I'm not all alone in this. Many smarter, more sensible and logical citizens here share the same page with me. Of course, I'm not hesitant about reminding you this all over again. If the government's talking about stopping human trafficking and forced prostitutions, then I agree. (Besides, no normal human beings want to be prostitutes or sex slaves, right?) If they're talking about avoiding adult material contents in the media from becoming our younger children's daily consumptions, then they'll get my 100% support. But that's not exactly what they're really concerned with. That Stupid Bill mostly regulates about what women should "properly" (*scoffs*) wear, how to behave, what to write, watch, dance, etc. so that won't cause other people (well, I'm talking about men here :|) to feel lust. The problem is, what can make people feel lust? The answer can be very different from one person to another, right? If they want to talk about morality, what about their constant corruption over citizens' money? They don't even support the educational system here completely. There are still extremely poor, uneducated people. (Sadly, the so-called educated people in the government choose to close their eyes and pretend they have other "more important" business to do - like This Stupid Bill, for example.) If they want to talk about morality, they should do something about that sick 40-year-old dude from Semarang who married and has just recently divorced a 12-year-old girl, only because he's a "sheik". Why? Because the country's marriage law clearly states that a girl must be at least 18 to be legally wed. But no, they didn't do a damn thing about it. He just got away with what he did, while the girl's reputation is forever ruined. Did she really want that marriage? No, but her parents had forced her on that, especially since the guy's filthy rich. In other words, they support a phedophile who's been hiding behind a religious shield - and that just makes me sick!:x The Author P.S: Contentious articles in the porn bill: 1. Article 1: Definition Pornography is drawings, sketches, illustrations, photographs, texts, voices, sound, moving pictures, animations, cartoons, poetry, conversations, gestures, or other forms of communicative messages through various kinds of media; and/or performances in front of the public, which may incite obscenity, sexual exploitation and/or violate moral ethics in the community. Feared impact: The definition is open to all kinds of interpretation, such as how to define gestures that incite obscenity or sexual exploitation, and will be subject to debate. 2. Articles 20-23: Public Participation The public can play a role in preventing the production, distribution and use of pornography...by...(d) supervising people on the danger of pornography. Feared impact: This article could be used by certain groups to take the law into their own hands by attacking people they believe are violating the law. 3. Articles 8, 34, 36: Criminalization of victims The articles threatens up to 10 years in prison or Rp 5 billion in fines for violators of the law. Feared impact: Artists or models in art shows or productions could be punished for their creativity.

SCORNED...
Thankfully, I still wear my casual short-sleeves outdoor. And my jeans and capri pants too. I read regular fashion magazines. My long, dark wavy hair is still let loose by the wind. I hope it'll stay that way. It's a civil right for any woman in Indonesia - and also in every part of the world - to feel free from fear, especially those created by the politically messed-up hypocrites! Oh, heck. Whatever.*scoffs* I'm not really all alone in this, aren't I? I'm not the only one who totally disagree with The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Many citizens feel the same way about it as I do. But, does it matter? The House of The (So-Called) Representatives don't think so. Worst of all, they don't even give a shit about us - at all...and not even from the very beginning. Why bother? This is just another perfect way of extorting/robbing more money from the already struggling citizens. Give them no reasons to protest these stupid excuses...these dumb laws. Like it or not, they have to obey or pay, right? It doesn't matter if The HOR is obviously selling off some religious beliefs to mere politics and for more votes in the next presidential election on April 2009. (Well, guess what? I'm not going to vote for any of them - at all!) The smarter, more sensible and logical ones in this country already can tell. It has absolutely nothing to do with morality. Do you think they all know more about it themselves? They keep ignoring the real problems in this society: POVERTY! They're corrupting more money and everything here. But once again, they're way too hard-headed and arrogant, like stupid donkeys really are.*rolls eyes* So, is there still hope for this country? I hope so. Everybody's telling me to keep the faith. Nothing's easy, I know. But still, there are things I just can never forget about a couple of years ago - regarding this stupid bill: 1.The vice president Jusuf Kalla's harrassing statement: "Indonesia's women are only good as commodities for Middle Eastern men." I know he'd then publicly apologized for having said it and taken it back, but he should've thought about it first before opening his BIG, FAT MOUTH!:x 2.That pregnant lady in Tangerang, arrested one night just because they suspected she might've been a prostitute. They didn't give her a chance to explain and defend herself. They put her in jail and on trial the next day. Well, guess what? She was just a local, decent citizen on the way home from work that night. She's also a local teacher's wife. Yes, that's right, people. They'd falsely accused her - just because she was a woman.*scoffs* FYI, I work at night too and Ciputat's actually the corner of...Tangerang. How scary is that? 3.Numerous harrassment cases on the bus in Jakarta and - get this - in front of University of Indonesia in Salemba. Two bearded guys in white were verbally attacking some local young girls whom they'd thought of as "improperly-dressed" (regular shirts , T-shirts, and jeans?? Give me a Goddamned break here!!:x) "How can we win when fools can be kings? Don't waste your time or time will waste you..." ("KNIGHTS OF CYDONIA" by.MUSE) The Author

THE RISE OF HYPOCRICY
"We may have lost the battle, but we must win the war." Will the judicial review to The Highest Supreme Court (Mahkamah Agung) of this country prevent such a stupid bill (UU APP) from ruling this already too fucked up country? Obviously, The House of The (So-Called) Representatives have made an overly biased, unfair decision when they decided to pass it. Many contents of the bill can easily be multi-interpreted by those with ill-intentions for extortion. I mean, who knows? Judging the situation these days, it's possible. I'm not joking here. But hey, the supporters of The Stupid Bill think that we're just being paranoid. They say we have absolutely nothing to fear here. (Oh, really?*sneers*) Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* How the hell can they ever really prove that? 1.They're supported by hardliners acting like a bunch of Nazi's gestapos - all with their bats, bricks, swords, etc - all claiming that their violent act is always, ALWAYS justifiable and in the name of God and morality. 2."If our husbands are (exposed to) pornography then our families will be destroyed." I've gotten that response from Jakarta Post (http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/10/30/house-passes-controversial-antiporn-bill.html?page=2) . Want to know what I think? BIG, FAT BULLSHIT! What can you really expect from most men? You're talking about their natural instinct here. When there's a will, there's a way. (Don't they know a shit about 'pornography's underground trading'?*rolls eyes*) And it's like, they defend all lecherous creeps and rapists out there. If the husband's cheating on the wife, just blame it on that too sexy slut who seduces him. If he rapes someone, blame the pornographic video. It's like...man, where's his responsibility for his own actions? What a total shame and disgrace!:( 3."Now our children are safe," said Lasmiantini, chairwoman of Salima's Bekasi chapter. Ha-ha. They said nothing when that 40-year-old sick dude of a cleric married a 12-year-old and then just simply divorced her after public humiliation. Did he go to jail? No. Despite my country's marriage law that obviously states that a girl must be at least 18 to get married, he could get away with what he did. He'd successfully screwed up that poor little girl's future. (And her parents are also cruel enough to have sold her off like that for money!:x) "Tuhan Tahu, Tapi Menunggu" (God Knows, Yet He Awaits - until the moment is right) - Andrea Hirata, in his second novel "Sang Pemimpi" (The Dreamer) But please, God - don't take that long...:'-( The Author

DEATH TO "BHINNEKA TUNGGAL IKA"???
I've been having the same nightmares lately. It's kind of gory. It's taken the solace off my sleep. I've become the same old, insomniac me again. But the strange thing is, I'm not really scared of that nightmare. It's like, I'm already anticipating that kind of (scary) possibility. It's a warning sign. I must be prepared. You must protect yourself in this country, because - let's just face it - nobody else is going to do that to you. You're on your own. And those perverted hypocrites in the government of this country?:x They can all go to fucking hell with their obviously, overly-biased, absurd, and misogynicistic pornography bill (UU APP). Yes, people. Let the terror of subjectivity begin. The worst nightmare in this country is about to come to life. No, I'm not kidding you. It's about to really happen. The shallow-minded fanatics have won.*rolls eyes* Soon they'll take over this country and start filling the public places with tyranny. No more space for everybody, unless if you obey them. No more air to breathe freely for women, because there'll be treated like sitting ducks for coward snipers or worse...pieces of meat for DOGS out there. (And no, I'm not talking about the four-footed K-9s here!) Now I realise that I'm also endangering myself by writing the truth here. I'm well-aware of that these days. So, I'm doing this while I still can. If you don't get to hear from me in a very, very long time - that can possibly mean something's happening. No, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just reading the signs a lot earlier than most poor, gullible, naive souls out there really do. Danger. Death to democracy and tolerance of pluralism here in this country. Welcome to hypocricy. Just feed us to the blind fanatics' constant terror and intimidation and then see what happens next. Then we all may see if they're satisfied and happy with the result from playing God to other mortals. But I'm not afraid. I have zero respect for cowards, hypocrites, and even the combination of both, remember? So, they can all do just whatever the hell they like to me, but that can only prove something: They're nothing but such pathetic weaklings! They can arrest me or even kill me, I don't care. I shall never obey the corruptive hypocrites in the government! If they only want to limit the adult media contents from the children, then I agree. As a woman, I'm not that happy with pornography. They want to stop human trafficking, go ahead. But here, they choose to meddle in with other people's personal business/privacy. I mean, just who the hell are they to judge others as amoral and lecture others about morality? I mean, seriously. Do they even know the meaning of the word? They say they only want to protect women and children with that? Well, bullshit!:x They just want more money and power, but they're too much of hypocrites to admit that. Just who the fuck are they trying to kid, anyway? Not all Indonesians are that dumb and shallow (and perverted too!) until they need such absurd guidance on how to behave well. Goddamn it! Do they even know the real definition of 'pornography'? They even created their own, absurd version of it. Talk about dumbass hypocrites acting like holy saints! Do they think all women in scanty-clothings and who are out on the streets at night alone are amoral sluts? Just give me a Goddamned break here! How fucking shallow can they all be? Is the male-ego seriously bloated here? (I'm sorry if I start sounding like a man-hater here, but I have my reasons these days!) I've dreamed of being attacked out on the streets at night alone. I kill them all. Murder's in my head these days, and I believe that self-defense is not murder. I'm seriously thinking about getting a short haircut like I used to long ago. Why? I don't want to look beautiful anymore - not if that'll only give them an excuse to rape me, and then end up blaming me for it...:'-( The Author Bhinneka Tunggal Ika: united in diversity

CAUSE AND RESULT...:P
These are the things that made you show up seriously late for your very important, 9 am FCE class: 1.Your last class last night ended at nine. You came home very late - at sometime around 10 or 10:30.independent 2.You've been staying up late all night long - until sleep finally took over your conscience at sometime around two. Why? You were waiting until everyone in the house fell asleep. You've been needing more quiet time and solitude these days, just to get yourself concentrate on work. Having six people at home is not that easy. Sometimes, it just takes up your personal space. It can drive you crazy too, especially if it gets too much and you've been a private person for most of your life. But hey, "CSI:NY" was on. (Naughty.*big evil grin*) So your attention was divided in between work and catching up with their latest (fictional) case on screen. Haha. No wonder, no surprise with the counter-productivity.:P 3.You woke up late. (Once again, no wonder and no surprise. Hehe.*big evil grin*) You've done everything as quick as possible that morning. In order to save what was left of your salary (well, at least before another pay-day :P), you decided to hop on a ride from somebody at home. It's actually okay, as long as you're not with the kind of people who hardly mind being "fashionably late" (until now, you still don't understand what it really means :-S or maybe you're just being a cynic). Otherwise, it's a big mistake!:| 4.In Jakarta, there's always this huge, hellish bitch on the street called: The Horrible Traffic!:x This morning, you had to deal with it. Welcome to the big, city real life. The only thing you should've done from the very beginning was actually...well, I think you could already tell from this partly silly-sounding list.:P 5.As soon as you reached your stop, you quickly got off the car and hailed a cab nearby instead. Worst of all, as you got in, you tripped over the pavement - a your right arm bumped against the hood. And you thought that it was going to leave a big, blue mark (a.k.a the swelling) right there. *rolls up sleeve* Yep, it's right there. The bruise. 6.In the end, you showed up half an hour late with two things you most acknowledged about yourself that session: hungry and embarrassed - especially since it was already your third time being late.*blushes* Next time, no more excuses. The Author

SO SICK...
So many things to do these days. So little time. How classic. My time management's been so lousy.:(*blushes* I've even screwed up my sleeping pattern again. So many things in my head. I know that I must do selective worrying, but it's just not that easy these days. Many things I dread about: 1.The TOEFL test result on Tuesday.*gulps* Will it be good enough for my FLTA early selection? 2.The FLTA selection. I must succeed if I want to go to USA for nine months! 3.The presentation workshop on December 6.:| They've already asked me to prepare, while I'm still not doing any real thing about it yet. I mean, I've found a good source from the internet. But still, I haven't done the next moves for this project. Yikes! 4.Speaking of December, I also haven't finished translating the script somebody gave me. (Oh, yeah. Now I have a side-job as an interpreter/translator.) 5.I must get out of here soon - to avoid the nasty effects from The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) if it's ever legalized.*rolls eyes* .......................... *deep sigh* Last Saturday, I hung out with Jules and Nez again. We visited FX Building in Senayan and then Grand Indonesia. We ate too much too.:P Things have been pretty shitty in this country lately.:( Aside from the stupid government still pushing The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) to be passed, there's been this sick, twisted 40-year-old dude from Singapore using his "sheik" title for this kind of benefit: Marrying a 12-year-old girl. No shit. And he's proudly announced that he'll add more wives soon - a nine-year-old and seven. How sick is that??*scoffs* Shame on you. You're just the same as those perverted hypocrites in the government - or even worse. You've cruelly cut down the innocent little girls' future. You know schools here just don't accept married young girls. Didn't you know that she cried when she had to drop out and say goodbye to her teachers and friends? Don't you even care?? No, you can never be like The Holy Prophet Muhammad. You're not even that close, because you just make me sick. You barely understand his reasons - long, long time ago... The Author

THE SHORT TERM BREAK
Last Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep on the way home. The public minivan I was in almost took me far down inside Bintaro! I jolted awake and quickly yelled at the driver to stop. Then I jumped off and paid the fare. I had to retrace the route under the damn scorching sun for a few miles in a couple of hours. Some walk...*rolls eyes* When I couldn't stand the super heat anymore, I stopped by at a quiet dine-in around Arteri Bintaro. I didn't order anything but Coke with ice. (Fyi, I rarely drink soda - only on certain occassions or when it's just so freaking hot outside!) I'd already had lunch at my office with Lisa. I just sat there, waiting with my Coke until the heat slowly subsided as the sun went down. The indoor AC felt really good.:) They also had this pile of old books I could read for free. I just picked "The New Evil" by.R.L.Stine - the kind I used to often read back when I was still in middle school. (But I'm still a horror fan, although not as much as I was.) One of my night-class students simply lent me an interesting biography called "Jangan Bunuh Obama!" (Don't Kill Obama!) by.Hermawan Aksan. But I didn't feel like reading anything heavy that afternoon. (In other words, save it for later, I'd told myself.) My head was already too full of heavy thoughts. Selective worrying?:| I really wish I could do that right now. Especially since I've just found out that when Martin Luther King Jr.was shot dead, the coroner doctor found out that his heart had looked like the one that usually belongs to a sixty-year-old man. King was 39. Wow. Well, I spent an hour and a half online after that. I chatted with Patrick for a while.:) He said he'd just shopped in Senayan City for work clothes. Debenhams offered discounts up to 70%. I still wonder just how my dear friend Patrick manages to maintain his good mood and positivity. The first time I met him, I'd only thought of him as this sweet, charming, happy-go-lucky kind of guy. He smiled a lot too. But then, after some time, I've learned that he too has his impatience with things in life sometimes.:P Now that we're both English teachers, we kind of understand each other more. I blacked out for the rest of Saturday night. No kidding.:( It was the damn heat-stroke, I believe. Mom said that I could hardly wake up completely, so she left me all alone that night. I even skipped dinner. On Sunday, we went to Dad's relatives' in East Jakarta. On Monday, I checked the office for my new classes this term. Okay, I've finally done my TOEFL test at AMINEF yesterday afternoon. I'm not going to fret about it anymore.:P I believe I've done my best. Now, we'll just wait and see.;) The Author

THESE (HECTIC) DAYS...:P
I didn't get to visit AMINEF last Monday like I'd already planned earlier.:( I woke up late because I was tired. I think I've screwed up my sleeping pattern again.*yawns* I need more coffee than I really should... So I just went to my old college in Depok. What for? To have my already translated diploma legalized by the faculty. But then, guess what? The guy behind the counter said that mine wasn't (considered) valid enough. He wanted me to do it all over again. (WHAT?!) Have it done by the official faculty translator, I mean. Duh.:| No choice but to have to obey. I don't want to get myself in serious trouble, although The Singaporean Embassy didn't have any problem with my old translated diploma. (Sometime ago, I applied for a scholarship in Singapore too.) In the end, they only rejected me because I was just way too old for their scholarship program. Tuesday and Wednesday were dead hectic. Report card days.:P My lousy time management also took part in it.*blushes* How come? I'd put away what I could've finished earlier (and faster too!) - all in the name of giving in to my own laziness. So, tell me something here, folks.:P If the teacher is being a slacker here, then what do you think is going to happen to the students? Figures. My FCE class was very interesting on Wednesday morning. First, I just received my last essay. The teacher gave me an A-.:D Yippee! (But still, I must be extra careful - even with my minor mistakes I still tend to make quite often - next time!) We discussed about conditionals - the first, second, third, and mixed (a combination between the third and second.) I could just give you some examples here: "If I pass the AMINEF selection, I'll work in America." (First Conditional) Personally, I feel that the word 'if' doesn't sound convincing and optimistic.:| There's hardly ever any willpower in it. I prefer 'when': "When I pass the AMINEF selection, I'll work in America." Right. Now that sounds much better.:) What about the second conditional? "If Nick were here, I'd hug him.":( Why? Because his arms have shown me one of the safest places possible. I just miss his warmth...:(:( *deep sigh* "If the vice principal hadn't stopped me from jumping off the school building, I would've successfully committed suicide." (Third Conditional) Just something from the past, back when I was still that overly-sensitive fourteen-year-old chubby girl. I hope I didn't scare anyone off in that class with that when I said that... "If I'd successfully jumped off the school building, I wouldn't be here to share you this story." (Mixed Conditional) Okay, enough said. On Thursday, I finally visited AMINEF to register for my TOEFL test on Tuesday. Thank God.:D On Friday, I returned to Depok. Thankfully, I could hand in the old copies of my diploma and grade transcripts to the faculty to have them re-translated into English as they wished. They said I could transfer the fee into their bank account. However, the nearest bank was already closed. I was too late. Next Monday, they said. Okay. There's still time, I know. The deadline for the completed papers is November 1. I didn't do much today. Just replacing Via in her private class. I think I'm just going to spend the rest of today at home. Sleeping. I need that. No kidding.:| The Author

DIZZINESS AND SPICES...:|
I think a lot about everything. I worry too much. I know. I must stop myself.:| I don't know. Maybe that's just because of the exam week at the institution I work in (although it's very clear that I'm not doing the examination - just correcting.:P Strange, huh?) I feel like I have so many things to do but so little time. My time management sucks.:( I feel like I'm being chased by demons again. The deadline's getting closer than ever... (Right, you might wonder what deadline I'm talking about - especially if this is the very first entry you've ever read in here.:P) *deep sigh* For the past three days, I've been having a terrible headache. Why? Maybe it's the damn heat-stroke. I mean, it's October and it's supposed to rain. Well, it did in some days - although I must say it was very short and also little. Most of the time, it's just freaking hot outside. It feels like all hells break loose, so hot that your brain feels as crispy as fried beef-bacon.:P .......................... *looks at the last typed sentence* Alright, I was just being a little too much about it.:P But hey, you know what I mean, right? Global warming. This planet is seriously ill. The world is literally a ticking time bomb. In other words, it's dying. And so are we - each of us - one by one. Little by little. No joke. After all, nothing lasts forever. My terrible headache started on Thursday. It was actually a migraine on my left side of head. I'm well-aware that I haven't really been eating well. Most of my choices were unhealthy.*blushes* Plus, I've been slowly gaining more weight again. That sucks. I can't believe that I've just simply let myself slide that easily again. I'm recklessly increasing my cholesterol level here...:( Okay, enough. It's time to put a stop to that - once and for all.:x (And yes, I'm a little angry at myself right now.) By the time I went home, my migraine had gone worse I couldn't sleep well that night. I ended up watching two horror reruns on TV. Stephen King's "Sleepwalkers" and a British classic "Haunted". Both are my personal favourites.:) Young Brian Krause in "Sleepwalkers" and Kate Beckinsale paired up with Aidan Quinn in a haunted mansion.:P (Btw, have you seen this one yet, Tiger?;) I know that Kate's your favourite girl. I'm sure you'll like her in it too, because she looked so elegant.) Anyway, I finally fell asleep at sometime around three. On Friday, the migraine somehow migrated to the right side of my head. No kidding.:P I attended our receptionist Ria's wedding at Bintaro in midday with the other co-workers. It was an outdoor celebration and the weather was oh-so-freaking hot.:( I could only eat a little because of my migraine. At night, I couldn't take the pain anymore.:( I went to have dinner with Jules, Nez, my almost twin Wahyu (even his long-term girlfriend had thought so too when we first met *big evil grin*), and his girlfriend of ten years Mira. The restaurant is called "Sambal Desa" (Village Spices). It's in Bintaro, South Jakarta. I had to buy aspirin at another store next to the restaurant. Thankfully, by the time I got home, I simply crashed fast and hard.:P Zzz... On Saturday, I'd planned to finish correcting the exams. But then, Lisa asked me to join her and the others to our fellow teacher Putu's second son's birthday in Tanjung Mas, Lenteng Agung (L.A.:P) I know, I'm a sucker for free meals.*big evil grin* So I went there with Lisa, Via, Sika, and Dee by cab. We spent our afternoon there - eating mega spicy Balinese meals and drinking cold fruit punch. (Thank God for the drink!*sighs*) We also played with Putu's third baby daughter Tiara. She's a cute, one-moht-old bundle of joy - a perfect arrival for this imperfect world... Anyway, I think the mega spicy Balinese meals had almost killed me.:( No, seriously. They said my face was seriously red hot, as if burning from the inside. I was also sweating really bad and even crying...but definitely not from the emotions. It was just the spicy food, okay? Then the girls started joking about me having to avoid guys who like my spicy food for my future husband.*big evil grin* They even listed it down for me: "Hmm, let's see...Acehnese...Padangese...definitely not Balinese too...Indian...Pakistani..." "Hey, wait a minute!" I protested, but they all just laughed in unison. Does that mean I must say no if Tiger suddenly proposes?:P (Haha, like it will ever happen in the near future! Just kidding, Tiger. You know how good friends really are.*bats my eyelashes at you*) After that, Via's husband picked us up and drove us out of L.A. (Haha!) Then Dee and I ended the day at Cilandak Townsquare. We mostly just spent (or wasted, perhaps??:P) our time roaming around before she finally suggested that I try the yummiest cake at "Secret Recipe". So I did. She recommended Carrot Slice, so that's what I ordered. How was it? Super yummy.:P:D Hehe. The carrot slices, the walnuts, and especially the sweet, cream cheese on top. I'd like to taste it again some other time. By the time I got home, my headache was worse...again. This time, both sides got the share of the same pain.:( I went straight to bed after taking another pill. Was it from another heat-stroke? Mom suspected that it might've possibly been from my physical reaction after having eaten the mega spicy food. (Yikes!) I must be extra careful with myself next time. Watch out for my own health. For my sake, that is. Tomorrow, I must visit AMINEF. The Author

WHY I NEED THE FULBRIGHT'S FLTA (FOREIGN LANGUAGE TEACHING ASSISTANT) SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM
My name is Ruby Astari. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia. As a part-time English teacher, I work in ILP (International Language Program) Ciputat in South Jakarta. I've been teaching there for five months. As a freelance writer, I work independently. I know that I still haven't made much from my writings yet, but that just doesn't stop me. I mostly write fiction, but I'm also still learning to write feature articles and essays. I love languages and literature. Why do I need the Fulbright's FLTA (Foreign Language Teaching Assistant) Scholarship Program? As we're all already aware of, without languages, there'll be no communication. Although I'm an English teacher for Indonesian students, I'm genuinely curious about teaching my own language (Bahasa Indonesia) to other people - especially foreigners. Which one is more challenging and difficult? I keep silently wondering about it. I have several American friends who have been living in Jakarta for several years. Some of them are learning Bahasa Indonesia too - especially in order to be able to communicate with the locals here more easily. One day, a guy named Patrick asked me, "Why is it 'setia kawan', not 'kawan setia'? I thought 'setia' was the adjective." (Setia kawan = loyal friends / an attitude that describes one's loyalty to friends.) Unfortunately, at that time, I couldn't give him a satisfactory answer beside: "Because that's just how it is." Then I realized one thing. I've been taking my own language for granted. If we tend to accept everything as it is without really understanding its meaning and purposes, then how can we teach other people something? In college, I took three years of studying broadcasting and journalism. That's why I believe that the FLTA Program fits with my previous education background and also current profession. It's also important for me to gain more knowledge and experiences. After all, that's how people grow properly. What are my future plans? Aside from introducing Bahasa Indonesia more to the world as a fun, foreign language - I also want to introduce my country's real cultural heritage. Some people still have trouble separating the difference between Indonesia and Malaysia, especially since we almost speak the similar language. That's also my mission to clarify. The Author

THE LAST DAY OF HOLIDAY
Well, the holiday week's finally over.:| It's time to get back to work. I must face it. So, it's only revision tests, revision lessons, final tests, until finally...report cards.:D Then, another week of term break before a new one starts again. So, what did I do on the last day of this (public) Eid holiday? I took another lonely walk at around my favourite spot in South Jakarta: Blok M.:) I know that I've been around with him there too so many times while he was still here. But I chose not to give in to my stupid sentimentality. I've simply told myself: "Not today." No way. Besides, I've got something to do. A visit to the cybercafe to work on the scholarship form. I also bought the latest issue of SPICE!:) Having fun all alone. No problem. It was just me and my grey backpack, hehe.:P I wouldn't let anybody - and anything - bother me so much. I know, I still have a lot to do, including with left-overs from work. Well, at least I'm not a full-time teacher there. I'm the kind to explore another opportunity too - not the one getting stuck behind the freaking desk all the time! The Author

HOLE-HEARTED...
Right, where do I start? I was very relieved and happy last Monday.:) I went to see a local movie with my friend Nez. It was "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers) - based on a national best-selling nonfiction novel of the same title by Andrea Hirata, an author from the island of Belitong. It's a true story about ten poor children from Belitong (one of them was little Andrea) struggling for a more decent life while pursuing higher education - something which is supposed to be rightfully theirs but difficult to earn, due to economical issues and class discrimination. It's an amazing story about life, honour, friendship, and love. It's very inspiring. It also reminds us - the lazy rich brats - of the things we often still take for granted, mostly just because we're lucky with more money.:P I don't mean to sound really sarcastic about this, but oftentimes...that's just the plain truth.*shrugs* And that movie has just given me another reason to pursue that teaching scholarship to The States.:D You know what they say: Grab it while you still get the chance. Good opportunities hardly come that often again.:P After all, I'm lucky enough to even just give it a shot or two.;) My best friend Hani actually has been wanting to see that movie too (she's a major fan of Andrea Hirata's works, anyway.) But she said she'd wait until after Eid holiday. She said I could watch it first. Okay.*shrugs* Anyway, it was a fun, relaxing day.:) I forgot all my troubles for a while. Since I wasn't fasting, I ate lunch with her at Wendy's in Bintaro Plaza first. (Nez's a Catholic.) Then, after the movie, we had dinner outside, at one of the food vendors nearby. I love seafood, but maybe I haven't eaten any in a long time - my allergy was acting out!:( After a plate of boiled clams and spicy Padangese sauced- squids, my face began to itch like crazy. (Or maybe the food was already a little...off.*cringes* Eww.) I had to go home quick for my meds after that. On Tuesday, I didn't feel like going anywhere. I just called The AMINEF's Jakarta headquarter for information about their TOEFL test schedule. And yes, it's for the scholarship application too. One of the girls I met during my training month - Ocha - once worried about my responsibility with the office I still work in, knowing that I've just started my two-year contract. Well, I thought I could extend it a little longer before going back to finish it. (FYI, the teaching scholarship program only lasts for nine months at the US, or unless I can get a three-million to bail me out of work contract too - but what for??) Besides, if my principal had worried about me leaving without finishing the contract, then he wouldn't have written a generously positive letter of recommendation for Lisa and me in the first place. (Btw, Lisa's in it too!) I know about work ethics, believe me. Some of them say I'm pretty strict about following the rules. Well, if I get it, then the contract will have to be postponed and extended. I guess it's pretty simple.*shrugs* How was my Eid holiday? Cool, I guess. Hecticly busy, as usual. That's just how it usually works here in every other year, I guess. Visiting relatives. Helping Mom with her cooking. Eating. What else? On Wednesday, my brother and I helped Mom with her cooking in the afternoon. It was a busy day, so I had no time to do something else. But somehow, I felt relaxed too. Maybe it was the holiday mood. At night, we visited Uncle Marik and Aunt Susi's house in Pejaten, South Jakarta. Uncle Marik's a handsome, sweet, and funny Dutch man.:) He also likes collecting artsy stuff, so I found his large living room a cool resemblance to a small gallery. The swimming pool also looks tempting. I looked at my Dutch uncle and couldn't help but thinking about my grand aunt Rin - all alone in Surabaya right now. I often remind myself of her sad story when she was much younger: Grand Aunt Rin once fell in love with a German guy. But unfortunately, her family had been a very strict and uptight Javanese, Muslim kind. They'd disapproved of her relationship with him very strongly, and her stubborn, rebellious attitude had fought back: Nobody else but him. And she'd really meant it.:| No other men since then. No marriage. It's just her - The Eternal Ms.Independent. There was another thing she said to me during my sister's wedding reception last July. We were in the middle of the crowd, but they hardly listened to us. I told her about Nick. He'd just left and I found it really unbearable, though I knew I had to pretend that I was okay. "Don't end up like me," she said with obvious sadness in her eyes. "Please, just don't end up like me or you'll be very sorry." At that time, I felt seriously choked up on the inside - but still forced myself not to cry. (Or else my heavy make-up would've streaked and run!) I just hugged her close, knowing how we actually resemble each other quite much. Our hair, our faces, smiles, and even our stubborness. That's what they all say. In other words, Grand Aunt Rin is like the very much older version of me. How scary. No joke, despite the fact that she's always been a nice old lady to me. Very smart too.She's also crazy about travelling and literature. When I told Mom about that, she surprised me with this reply: "She never shared that with anyone. Looks like you were the first and only one." Really?!:O When Aunt Susi and Uncle Marik got married, they seemed to be okay with that. Nobody bothers so much about whether he's converted or not. Nobody. All they know and care about is that the two look great and happy together. That's all. Which makes me often silently wonder: (Something that maybe I shouldn't do at all...:|) What would happen...what if... ...the tomboy and the redhead prince... If only I had my guts, but would it still be right? (Oh, Nick-ku.:( I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you with this kind of issue...) *deep sigh* I'm fed up with this city. I need to escape, temporarily that is. (I'm not the one to run away forever!) Everywhere I go reminds me of him and that beautiful sunny June. It hurts. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie about this. I miss him terribly. I still love him. I really do. I've shared him my world here, and now it feels empty without his existence. Even my own room. Yeah, I'm afraid to fall asleep - even in my own room - these days. In fact, I don't want to sleep - eventhough I'm terribly tired. I need to stay awake to keep myself sane (although it's no longer 100%!) It's very simple. I don't want to have to see him in my dreams and then wake up crying again, just because he's not around anymore. That just sucks!:'-( I also got a missed call on my cellphone that night. A random number that I couldn't call back nor leave a text. Strange area code number. Was it him? Could it be him? (Did I want it to be him, remembering that he'd still cared enough to text me a "Happy Eid" last year - even before we met face-to-face for real?) I must stop doing this to myself.:| Enough. I want my old self back, no matter how cynical she was. I don't want to be this emotionally clingy.:( Where's the Ms.Independent in me? Where's she gone? I badly need her to keep me strong. Strangely, they said I seemed a lot happier and more relaxed when he was around. I also sounded less bitter about life. I'll never be the same again. But still, I can never blame him for any of this. Why? None of us ever promise each other anything. And I can never hate him for real. After all, he's been good to me. He's accepted me for who I am, the way Tiger always does.;) He's also encouraged me to stay brave, eventhough the world is still full of patriarchism and all its shit. And I know it's bloody difficult to really get over a long-distant girlfriend who once promised him forever, and then simply ditched him for another guy.:( So please, tell me, God. If I've made the right decision of letting him go like this (especially since I have to), then why am I still feeling so hollow? The Author

AN OLD NIGHTMARE REVISITED
I couldn't sleep well last night.:( I guess my insomnia's been slowly crawling back at me. My sleep was restless and full of strange dreams. Nightmares, to be exact, the kind that almost made it hard for you to wake up completely. I'd finally fallen asleep at sometime around one, I guess. Then there was this dream. I was being chased after by a bunch of rowdy...shadows. Dark, figureless shadows yelling at me as they ran. I picked up speed as fast as I could, although my lungs felt as if they were about to burst. I was clearly hyperventilating. I was also sweating. But mostly, I was scared.:( I felt threatened. Somehow, I found him again - sitting on the floor, just a few feet away from me. He was looking down, his soft red hair hanging down above his face. I called out to him and he looked up at me. But strangely, his smoky-blue eyes seemed cold, distant, and hollow. They looked as if they weren't staring at me - at all. I came closer and my head suddenly bumped against something hard. Ouch! An invisible wall? No. A thick, glass wall. Behind me, the rowdy gang of figureless shadows were getting closer. I looked back at him and started tapping on the glass wall, clearly asking him to help me to find a way out of here - together. (Somehow, I sensed that those mean, insignificant creatures were dangerous for him too!) But unfortunately, he remained still as a statue. I began to panic. I'm in grave danger, I thought. Then I started pounding on the glass wall as hard as I could. I kept calling out to him, practically begging him to help me. But he just looked at me blankly. I couldn't read his expression at all. I started to cry. My fists began to sting like hell but I didn't stop pounding harder. "Hey, please get me out of here!" Then the glass wall cracked a little, but didn't break. Not at all. I could see my knuckles bleeding, but I didn't stop. I didn't want to. I couldn't. I didn't want them to get me... But when they finally did, I heard some of them screech horribly... ...Which turned out to be my alarm clock. I heard that the stupid government here is still pushing The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) to pass...sometime around October.:| Next month. It looks like they won't give a shit at all about what most citizens here really think of that. They said that there'd still be revisions on that draft, regarding the people's protests. (Ugh!) But what they don't even want to know is that we don't want any more of this crap pursued. Enough! I mean, we still have more serious issues to handle immediately here (like POVERTY, for example?*rolls eyes*) and they even suck ass at dealing with it. And seriously, I don't need to put up with all that bullshit. They call that a "Ramadan gift"? Oh, screw them! Just give me a Goddamned break here!*scoffs* I'd call eradicating corruption and poverty a much better gift for this already too messed-up country. That's why I refuse to buy their crap of morality talk.*rolls eyes* The Author

SATURDAY NIGHT BLUES...:(
Finally, a week of break from all the drudge work.:D I've finally got to do other things I've been wanting to do. Especially writing anything else beside the damn lesson plans, that is. Hehe.*big evil grin* I know what they all may say. Keep yourself busy so you won't feel too empty. Try to have fun too by maintaining a good, healthy social life out there. (Trying? Okay, doesn't that sound a little pathetic here?*raises an eyebrow*) *deep sigh* Oh, well. Whatever. How am I feeling today?:| I'm not really sure.*shrugs* I've just found out yesterday that I won't be able to continue my fasting for the rest of this week. Well, I've also just filled in one of those addictive quizzes on Facebook about "How Well Do You Know Yourself?" And the result was quite surprising.:O It said: "Congrats! You know yourself like the back of your hand." Really?? Well, all I really know is that I'm confusing myself lately with a lot of things. I'm thinking too much, as usual. So that's why - once again I'm telling you - I need to write in here. My head feels like a nonstop, 24/7 lounge bar - even sometimes in my sleep. It's very active, yet also quite exhausting sometimes. I know I must be grateful with this fact, but sometimes I wonder if I've had too much sugar and caffeine in my already.:P Well, I've heard that women must be very careful with themselves during their monthly-period. Scientists say that your depression level can increase dangerously than it normally does. You must watch out with what you eat and maintain your mood. I know that, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it well. And also, I don't want to make it an excuse to justify my irrelevant emotional outbursts like most of my kind do.*big evil grin* Once again, am I really okay?:-S It's funny that I ask myself that, really. Lots of stuff have been (and still are!) crowding inside my head, so that's why I sometimes - no, more precisely often - don't know where to start here. But, heck - as usual - I'll try. I must get that teaching scholarship to USA. If I do get that, do I want to be posted in Minnesota? I don't know. Maybe. I'm not doing it for him, though (although honestly, it'd be kinda nice to see him again - whetever the result of it might be). There are other major reasons too. Mostly, I need to escape from things here. It's getting too crowded at home, if you know what I mean.:P It's not that I don't get enough privacy that I need. (In fact, I get lots!) Most of the time, they rarely ask questions about me - which is fine, I guess. Since G, I've become a rather quiet, distant stranger at home. (Am I to blame for that?) They're more interested in knowing how he is than how I am. Just like my sister, he's earned the spotlight effortlessly. I can live with that. (Oh, really?*sneers at my own reflection in the mirror*) I mean, I've been - for the past one and a half years. then, there's the treacherous Stupid Draft (RUU APP) the stupid government's been forcing to pass in this country.:x You may call me a coward for trying to run off like this, but an escape is just what I badly need these days. Hani said it was up to me. She - like most other braver women here - chose to stay and fight for such injustice... The Author

THE DREAM
I've heard that scientists say that - each time we fall asleep - we dream seven times. But we can only remember one - the last before we finally wake up. I shouldn't have let myself fall asleep again right after my morning prayer.:| I saw him again. In my dream, that is. He was here again, just like in June. He still had the same soft red hair, melodramatic smoky-blue eyes, and the same sweet smile I truly miss. My family were smiling at him too. Although the sky was dark outside, I felt happiest. I could see my own beaming face and smile. He held my hand (or I held his, I don't know) as we walked together. We said goodnight to my family. We went into my room. No, we didn't do anything nasty in there.*big evil grin* In fact, we never did when he was still here. He was always respectful of me.:) He was always the gentleman, eventhough we were alone in a room. With him, I'd always felt safe. We just looked at his laptop, giggling at the pics of Hilary (his beloved kitty!), listening to his mp3 collection...talking. Just like before. I leant on his shoulder and closed my eyes... ...Then I woke up feeling empty. I was glad that everybody had left this morning, so no one had to see me cry. But not for long, knowing I had to attend another internal training before work. God, I miss him so...:'-( The Author

THE CREEPING TERROR???:(
I know, I shouldn't be angry.:( This is still the fasting month. I shouldn't have lost it easily.*blushes* I should be able to control myself even more. Where's my patience? *deep sigh* It's not easy.:( Believe me. Thankfully, the rumour about The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) being legalized on September 23 wasn't true. I came home alone safe at night. Thank God nothing ugly stood in my way.:| And I hope it'll stay that way. But I know, they still won't quit.:( I'm afraid they'll never give up until they'll get what they really, really want. (What's their problem, anyway??) Once again, I'm afraid. I don't want them to win. I'm not letting them take over this country with their overly biased law.:x What if they're using violence? No, scratch that. Yeah, scratch the last sentence before this paragraph. I don't even need to use 'what if' for them all anymore. I've already seen just what they're truly capable of. They're using violence to force their will upon other people. Like hitting a witness to their vandalism and A&B in the courtroom - right in front of the judge. Sadly, the judge and the rest of the local authority are too scared of them.*rolls eyes* It's like having another version of Gestapo. God, help us please...:'-( The Author

TO THE IDIOTS IN SENAYAN!!!:x
I knew this was coming.:| I shouldn't be too surprised, because I know just how hard-headed you are - like most donkeys are. I shouldn't have let down my guard, especially since you can also be so damn cunning and tricky. You've always been around in your fancy suit and with that fake smile, acting like the rulers and "so-called" protectors of the people. You think you fully own this country and believe that you can do whatever the hell you like with it - and everything around here. You think you have a holy mission coming straight from God, to change the people's bad attitude and restore morality back in its respective place. (But where? Where??) Do you know what I think of you people? (And oh, don't you want to know? Do you even care, or - as always - your bloated ego thinks that my opinion is so bloody insignificant?) I think you're full of shit. You're just nothing but a bunch of pathetic losers and hypocrites - but still believing you're God's holiest saints. No joke. You're the joke, actually. It's just your greed for more money, your longing for more power, your lust and perverted thoughts. You can lie to other people in this country all the time like you always do, but here's the thing: You can never lie to God. You can't even lie to yourselves, no matter how hard you try. I mean, who are you trying to fool, anyway? We already know that before you do (although you'd like to pretend otherwise.) You still think most of us are gullible and stupid enough to obey the real, narrow-minded idiots in this country. Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Whatever. Do you really dare call yourselves "The House of Representatives" for the people here? Bullshit!:x Do you really think of yourselves that way? Ha! You wish.*scoffs* The truth is, you've never really represented the people here. You simply suck ass at your real job. You just know how to ask for more salary. Corruption has long become a part of you. It's your daily habit. It's you. You close your eyes to the dying people from hunger here. You don't give a damn with the children who still can't go to school and study because their families are way too poor to support their educational needs (and rights too!) So please, don't you start lecturing everyone here about morality. I personally doubt that you know even the slightest shit about it. Golkar and PKS, fuck you. I don't care if you're pissed off after reading this. I don't give a shit if you want to arrest or even kill me for insulting you and your supporters too - those sleazy bastards and idiots in Senayan with their fancy suit and while clothings. (Just so you know, wearing anything white doesn't make any person automatically all flawless and pure.*rolls eyes*) I'm not afraid of you. I don't even respect you. I fucking hate you. You're playing God to this country and I'm utterly sick of you. I'm sick of you trying to legalize The Stupid Draft for Anti-Pornography (RUU APP). Why? Because I know that's not the case. The content is all about subjectivity. It's full of misogynicism. It's all so bloody judgemental. In other words, it's totally unfair.:x So, in order to show people that you're still doing your "so-called" good job here, this is what you can only do best. Nothing more. You don't care that most people here - especially women - have already suffered too much from your ongoing corruption. Want to make it worse for us here? My God.:'-( Why don't you just kill us all here, if it makes you happy? I'm just an ordinary woman here. I teach English at night and go home late - often all by myself. I believe I dress properly. I'm a tomboy who doesn't know how to flirt with guys. I don't even want to. Ugh.*scoffs* And, thanks to The Stupid Draft, people like you will be allowed to think of me as just some cheap whore or tell me to stay at home and do nothing at all. only because you prefer taking sides of those perverted jerk-offs? Well, fuck you! Try to take my freedom away? You'll have to kill me first. Yes, because I'll keep fighting this injustice off - one way or another. The Author

THE RECAP
What have I missed writing about so far? Quite a lot. Lately, I've been too caught up with work. But I'll try to tell you anything I can still remember here. Last Wednesday night, we had an interesting meal for dinner at work.:P Shark tom yam. No kidding.*giggles* It was delicious, actually. The shark meat was very soft, smooth, and chewable.(???) However, not many wanted to try and I didn't understand why.*shrugs* Maybe it was because they feared sharks...eventhough they were already dead and cooked. Hehe.*giggles* So, only Shanti, Jules, my almost twin Wahyu, and the quiet moody guy Bobby ate it. I even brought some home for my family to try. On Thursday, I was dead moody myself.:( I didn't feel like working, so I thanked God for another Progress Test Day. (Poor students. Haha!*big evil grin*) Bad news yesterday. My uncle Liliek passed away at ten after ten in the morning, after a long, grueling heart surgery.:( My cousin Andin and her mother Aunt Ani were pretty tough dealing with that, though. Andin's little sister Mira was hysterical at first. That poor thing. The Author

THE JOB VS. THE REAL PASSION
Yesterday at work, my friend Shanti told me something really interesting. She caught me writing an entry (for this blog :P) while also working on the boring lesson plan in the afternoon. She said that what I was doing had something to do with my emotional leaking. (???) "What are you talking about?" "You know J.K.Rowling?" I simply nodded. Of course. "She used to be a teacher too, but claimed to the media that she was never really a good one. She always remembered all her fictional characters whenever she taught in the classroom. She even said that one should focus more on just writing or teaching. It's difficult to do both." *gulps* Indeed.:| But I also still believe that doesn't mean it's impossible to do both. I must admit that it's hard to find some quality time to write more these days, though. (Well, at least for me.:P) Btw, Shanti's also a struggling, aspiring freelance writer like me.:) She's had several works published locally too. Well, at least (or so I believe) I'm trying my best with my job these days. I'm well-aware that I have to be responsible with other people more - my students, I mean. That's why I hate the phrase that says: "Those who can't do; teach." It really bugs me.:| It's not an easy job. Not many can do. The Author

BLA-BLA-BLA OF THE DAY...:P
I am so behind work these days.*blushes* I haven't checked my students' test papers yet, and I can understand their protests. I am also well-aware with why I tend to get myself easily distracted. I have so many things whirling wildly inside my head. I want to do a lot of things all at once, eventhough I know that time is very limited these days. Once again, I miss writing for real...a lot.:( The last piece I ever really wrote for free was only an essay for my FCE assignment (which is still due next week on Wednesday - not tomorrow.) Boring.:P All my fictional characters in my left brain are mentally screaming at me for putting them all on hold for so long. (Sorry.:P) *sighs* Well, I must prepare for another FCE class tomorrow.:) Want to know why I'm looking forward to it? I like the professor, right off from the start. She's the kind of tough, independent lady I want to be like. Such an inspiration. The Author

AN URGE TO ESCAPE...
"Sometimes you're pushing yourself way too hard." I remember Jules told me that last week, probably sometime on Tuesday or Wednesday. She said that because I'd been having a major sore throat and coughing for a week - yet still attended work and came home late at night. Not good, I knew. The night wind was a danger to my health, Mom had already warned me before. But what else could I do? It's just my working hours! They have no morning classes, unless those I must attend as a teacher.:P After my very first FCE class on Wednesday morning, my health gradually deteriorated.:( I yelled at students from my 3:30 pm class because they were being ignorant and my vocal cords just snapped! The next thing I knew, I couldn't literally speak anymore. I was losing my voice...for real.:| In the end, they all told me to just go straight home and get some rest. Skip a day or two. On Thursday, I stayed home all day and simply blacked out. (And yes, I finally had to skip fasting that day, because I had to take some medicine.*blushes*) I also tried working on my FCE assignment while I was still wide awake and sane.:P On Friday, I forced myself back to work. After that, I went out with Jules, Nez, and Lisa to have dinner at "L4" - a small cafe near from work. The place is cozy, because they have a mini library - where bookworms like me can spend more time hanging out there. (It reminds me of "Book Cafe" in Depok.:D) The noodles was delicious. After that, the girls dragged me to Cilandak Townsquare. We ate Cold Stone Ice Cream (yes, despite my still-aching throat!:P I know, I'm a naughty girl sometimes, hehe.*big evil grin*) I love chocolate chip. Somehow, it reminds me of Tiger, because I know that he likes chocolate too.;) Does Cold Stone exist in UK too?:D I hope so. But still, I hope I can take Tiger to one if he ever visits me here. (Haha, mewish!:P) I simply slacked off the entire weekend. I didn't feel like doing anything.:( But as soon as the presence of that particular ghost started bugging my mind's eye again, I felt suddenly guilty for not keeping myself busy. *deep sigh* Want to know why I've been pushing myself with work a lot lately? I need to escape...so bad. I've already rearranged my room, knowing he's been in there before. I've been avoiding places around this city that remind me of him. Still, no such luck.:( I still see him everywhere I go. Soft red hair and those cool, smoky-blue eyes... The Author

THE FCE ASSIGNMENT
"ME, AS A PART-TIME ENGLISH TEACHER AND A FREELANCE WRITER" by.RUBY ASTARI My name is Ruby Astari. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia. Right now, I still live in Jakarta. As a part-time English teacher, I belong to ILP Ciputat in South Jakarta. For my free time, I enjoy reading magazines, newspapers, and also books. I love watching movies, CSI series, and Oprah Show. Besides teaching, I'm also a freelance writer. I've only been abroad once. I went to Singapore when I was still in fourth grade. It was the most memorable experience. I graduated from University of Indonesia, majoring in Broadcasting. So far, I've only been teaching for four months. Besides English and Bahasa Indonesia, I speak little Spanish, because I took a year of studying that language in Language Corner, Radio Dalam, when I was still in college. Why didn't I continue with that? Besides no money at that time, I also had no time and lack of motivation. Why am I studying FCE (First Certificate in English) course? I want to improve my English and update my FCE test score. I also want to keep practicing my English while hunting for scholarships abroad. After all, practice makes perfect. What are my major problems in English? Besides Pronunciation Theory, I sometimes still can't tell the difference between the real British accent with the American. (For example: the word 'colour' with 'color'.) I also tend to use slang words instead of proper English. (For example: "Word up!" instead of "Speak!") What will I do when I finish this FCE course? Besides teaching higher-level, perhaps I can use my FCE knowledge when I pursue higher education too or hunt for scholarships abroad. Personally, I see this job as another interesting adventure to write about. After all, writing is my real passion. How do I enjoy teaching so far? Just like any other jobs, there are ups and downs. Maybe it's from the new things and different challenges I must deal with everyday. As a part-time teacher, I'm also fortunate enough for my spare time to write. I also get to focus more on each class I'm handling. What do I see myself in five years to come? Hopefully, I'll get to publish more of my writings and inspire other people from what I write. What about marriage? I hope for that too, but I'm not into the typical "Cinderella dream". I just need someone who can also be my best friend, respect me for who I am, and treat me equally. From there, I'll do the same for him. The Author

SUNNY SUNDAY, WHERE ARE YOU?:(
I don't know what's wrong with me.:( Why am I still ill? Why am I still having the damn sore throat and feeling tired? I don't feel like working, but I still have to do it anyway... *sighs* Okay, enough complaining. I didn't do much yesterday. I was still ill. I was just lying in bed, listening to Muse all day long. I wanted to watch CSI Marathon, but G was home and simply monopolizing the channel, so I just stayed in my room and read a book. Well, I did a little writing too. I didn't feel like thinking about work...at all. At night, I escaped to the same netbar again, hoping I might run into Nick online. No such luck.:( But I met my pal Patrick on Facebook and we chatted for a while.:) I miss him. I miss hanging out with him and everybody. We didn't talk much, just talking (well, complaining - to be exact :P) about work and how we missed our decent sleep and hanging out with everybody in town. I could tell that he was not in a good mood, because he was just being sarcastic. I could relate to that, because he's a teacher too. I guess that's why children are (obviously) more energetic. They don't have to worry about too many heavy things in the world. They just play, not knowing how short time actually is. In other words, growing pains... The Author

THE WEEKEND...
Well, it turned out that my Saturday was not according to my original plan.:P I mean, what wouldn't you do for a friend? It started with last Friday. Some of the other teachers at work and I went out to dinner after work. (And the vendor-guy gave me too much hot spices on my rice.:|) After that, I went home alone. Wahyu (whom people often joke as my male twin - thanks to our thick, curly black hair :P) escorted me as we crossed the street before we went our separate ways. I found my brother at the same netbar that night. Then I updated an entry while chatting with Tiger. (It's just what we've been doing pretty much often these days.:D It feels so good, just like old times!) My friend Gia lent me her flash disc with a file of my sudden performance video in it.:D (To shorten the story: my colleagues and I went to this food vendor cafe thing close from work one Friday night before fasting month started, and my friend Lisa challenged me to sing with the home band there. I spontaneously called her bluff, though - with the cover of my favourite Stevie Wonder's classic hit "Overjoyed".:D I didn't care about anything. I was just having a great time. It was fun and I'm glad Gia recorded that with her cellphone!) And I sent that to Tiger's e-mail address that night.:) I'm happy that he liked it too.;) What about Nick?:|*deep sigh* Honestly, I don't know. I'm not really sure. It feels like the distance between us is growing wider. Once in a while, we still talk online or e-mail each other, but it's just not the same anymore.:( I know that he's busy with his classes as I am with work, but I still feel something else. Maybe he's not ready.:(*shrugs* Maybe he also knows that - deep down - I'm still afraid too. It's the religion thing. I know it's not fair. I'm Muslim and he's agnostic. I know that he's wanted me to accept him as he is and - please believe me - I've wanted to. He's always been kind to me, all caring and showing me that - somewhere out there - not all guys are either jerks or sexist pigs, or even worse - both.:| He's made me feel safe but also reminded me to remain strong. With him, I can be myself, eventhough I don't always look my best. I don't have to be afraid of who I am. But, since the day he told me not to miss him too much because I hadn't seen all his flaws yet, I was seriously taken aback.:( Honestly, I was crushed.:( Why did he have to say such things to me? What did he mean by all that? Was he slowly pushing me away? *sighs* I don't know.:( I didn't dare ask. (What a coward!*scoffs*) Maybe that's a sign. Maybe it's time for me to stop reaching out for the impossible. Maybe it's time to let go. Maybe he and I can only be friends. Like Hani once said, "Look on the bright side, at least he still wants to be your friend and won't just leave you completely like you never knew each other, right?" Oh, yeah. Easier said than done, but - again - I have no choice.:( Besides, this is not the first time I have no other choice but to let go. Why am I only good at this? Thank you, Nicholas Henry Didier. Thank you for ever coming into my life. Thank you for teaching me to be braver as I keep going on against the ugliness of this world. I know reality's a total bitch, but I hope you know that I've tried my best. You're still the person deserving love to keep you safe, but maybe they're all right - it's not coming from me. And just like what I've always been praying for Tiger, now I'm doing the same to you.:) If you want to know why, it's only because I truly love you, guys. You're the only reasons I still want to believe that real great guys exist. So, where was I again? Right. Last Friday night. Yuki suddenly called my cellphone. She asked me if she could stay overnight at my room, because she'd just missed the last bus home to Bekasi from Blok M. She just said goodbye to her fiance at the airport. I told her to catch up with my brother and me at the netbar, so she took a cab. By the time she arrived, my brother was already done and ready to visit his friend someplace. So, the two of us girls went home. She bought fried rice on the way. By the time we got home, she ate hungrily. Whenever I hear funny stories about Yuki and her fiance Andrew, I can't help but laugh.:P I haven't met the guy yet, but got a good impression about him. Mr.Sensitive and Ms.Sometimes-Too-Oblivious (no, that doesn't mean she's heartless.) What's going to happen to their marriage in the near future?:P I've told Yuki I could make a sitcom out of their relationship, because it'll be hilarious!*giggles* Yuki told me the two of them just had a minor spat before he left, and now she was feeling all sad and guilty. Andrew was giving her a surprise visit from Australia, only to see that Yuki kept bringing friends over along with them - when all he wanted that time was just a couple's quality time...alone. Talk about romantic expectations. Poor Andy.:) But I knew they could always work things out, because they're not just madly in love with each other - but they're also best friends through tough times.:) (Both are from messily divorced parents, though.) When she finally got a text message from him, her face lightened up and she smiled broadly. She said he wrote: "Love you much." "Just write 'Love you much 100x', that'll soften him up." The next morning, Yuki woke me up because she needed to go to Bandung as quick as possible. Thankfully, Via texted my cellphone, telling me I didn't have to cover for her class that day. So I escorted Yuki to a travel van agency in Blok M. Aunt Yanti uses it all the time. From there, I didn't feel like going home. So I went to the same netbar again. My brother went there too again. By the time I went home, I was already dead tired.:( My sleep was short and restless. I couldn't stop coughing. On Saturday night, we went to Dad's relatives to end the fasting day together. I was in a lousy mood, especially when Aunt Warni smiled and just made it worse by saying: You look fatter." Great.*rolls eyes* Just perfect. I ate normally for dinner...I guess.:| I'm not a complete hog anymore, remember? Then I mostly just kept to myself, read a bit from a book from a nearby shelf, and talked to a distant cousin named Aldi. (He has the same name with my own brother.) He's just this smart, nice, and good-looking fellow who studies in UCLA.:D He told me that most of the time, people in The States mistook him as an Indian or a Pakistani guy, especially from his appearance.:P Then the kids and I went to Cilandak Townsquare until sometime around midnight. Hanging out at Brake, drinking and chatting (and smoking, for some of the guys.:|) I ordered ghoulash soup and water. I saw G order and drink a bottle of Heineken, but said nothing. (Mom's precious son-in-law, drinking during Ramadan.*big evil grin*) Aldi even had a glass of double shots of vodka, and he allowed everyone a sip. (Just a sip for me, thanks.*big evil grin*) Then I made him switch seats with me, because he was smoking in front of my pregnant sister! The Author

EAGER TO GREET WEEKEND...:)
I was thankful that my dear brother was at my favourite netbar last night.:) Why? I was feeling the worst kind of sore throat. (And I still am, unfortunately.:|) I just wanted to go home and sleep for the rest of the night. (And today, I still do.) It was pretty hard for me to wake up again after 'sahur', because my head was spinning. But eventually, I forced myself to. I was glad that today was mid-term test day (although obviously my students weren't :P), so I didn't have to prepare a damn thing for the lesson plan. I didn't have to speak so much in the classroom. My throat is still very sore. I was losing my voice until a few gulps of water after fasting.:| But at least, weekend's coming.:) I may not be going anywhere else. I'll probably just stay home, curled up with a book. I've just finished reading Harry Potter from Nick and I think I'm going to start "Laskar Pelangi: The Phenomenon" (The Rainbow Soldiers: The Phenomenon). I got it for free from my recent visit to Metro TV studio to watch their famous live talkshow "Kick Andy!" I had to skip my classes on August 27 for that, because the taping started at 6:00 pm. Thankfully, Jules and Nez kindly covered for me. And maybe I'll just write another story again.:) It's been a while since the last time I did that. Unless if Via suddenly asks me to cover for her private tutoring again tomorrow morning... The Author

BLESSED...:)
Now I'm having a slightly sore throat today, but - surprisingly - I refuse to let that bother me so much.:) Yes, I was still fasting. I'm not letting stuff like that just ruin me.:P I think I'm getting an upgrade on my work status. How do I know?:D First, my first three-month probation has just passed. Second, they've already trusted me with more classes. They're also inviting me to the FCE (First Certificate in English) class. It's time to upgrade my score.:) And I'm glad I've told both Tiger and Nick about this happy news first.:D I'm glad I've got a chance to talk to them again last night. It felt like the entire universe was smiling at me.:) I thanked God for that. In other words, I'm feeling blessed.:D Sometimes I also wonder just what people really see in me. Like for example, yesterday - Via suddenly showed up at work and handed me a set of colourful bandanas! She simply said they were all for me, so I wouldn't have to rely on my only black one everyday. What a nice surprise.:) Am I really that good? I hope so. The Author

THOUGHTS OF A FOGGY-SIGHTED GIRL...
Alright, let me begin today's entry with a little complaint about my bad (slacking) habit.:P I didn't do much with work last night after work.:| I went home with Jules and Nez as usual and Jules just dropped me off at a Bintaro intersection. From there, I simply walked home. A different direction. I returned home late and was tired, but I didn't care that much about it. I just went straight to bed, planning to start my lesson plans after 'sahur'. Well, I did - but not until finished. After my morning prayer, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. My eyelids felt unbearably heavy. So I went to sleep for a while... And I woke up at ten!:O My first thought was: "I have three classes today and - damn! - I haven't prepared anything yet!" *sighs* Well, at least I've got a chance to talk to Tiger again last night - after what seemed like ages!:) I was so relieved to know that he changed his mind about getting back together with his ex-girlfriend again. She's caused him too much pain already for the past three-four years. No more, God. Please, no more...:| Whatever may happen in the future, I just want him to be happy and safe, God. That's all... The Author

A LONELY WALK - AN ENJOYABLE SOLITUDE
It's another fasting month. I'm starting to write another story here - my true story.:P (Well, mostly it is.) Where must I begin? Alright, here we go. I'm going to be an aunt. No kidding. Don't worry.:) I'm not freaking out or anything. I just need to take it as lightly as possible. That's all.*shrugs* It's not that I'm unhappy or anything. In fact, I'm feeling kind of empty these days.:| No, I'm not talking about my temporarily empty stomach during the day from fasting. I'm not even sure how to explain this very well. But it's definitely something. I've been thinking a lot about so many things lately. Well, I'm actually thinking (and - just sometimes - worrying) a bit too much. You can call that my big problem.:( I don't know. Maybe that has something to do with my age too (changing numbers I refuse to think about way too much.*rolls eyes*) And once my head is full of crazy thoughts, it feels like exploding. When that happens, I usually rely on my self-therapy sessions. Writing is one, but there's also another. Yesterday, I impulsively decided to visit Gramedia Bookstore in Blok M, South Jakarta. I intended to buy a notebook, but eventually ended up with...a notebook and an English novel!:D Hehe.*big evil grin* Well, it turned out that they were having a great sale. As a bookworm myself, how could I ever resist an unusually cheaper English novel? (Besides, I'm also an English teacher!:P) So I bought Alexander McCall-Smith's "The Sunday Philosophy Club". It was just for fun.:) Well, that's just one of many things I usually do for my self-therapy.:) A lonely walk but I'm still happy. I try to enjoy my solitude as it is. Speaking of solitude, I've been looking for a new place to stay. I mean, my own place for real. I've spotted an ad near from work, but still haven't had a chance to see it yet. It said they rented a house. I've been wanting to be more independent, so I'm seriously interested. The problems? 1.Is my salary enough? 2.Should I get myself a roommate to share the bills? 3.Recently, my dear brother's been asking me to help him pay the bills for the TV cable - especially since our sister and G aren't exactly doing it anymore.*raises an eyebrow* Well, since I'm also using it to watch CSI - I think it's a fair request. Hmm, in the meantime, I'll still keep writing and doing things my best.;) After all, we only live once. The Author

DEAR GOD...
Please take care of him.:( Not for me, just him. The Author

HE SAYS, SHE SAYS...
Before marriage... Him: "Finally! I've been waiting for this moment to come." Her: "Do you want me to go?" Him: "Of course not! Don't you ever think like that." Her: "Do you love me?" Him: "Of course! Forever I always will." Her: "Do you ever cheat?" Him: "No! I will never do such a thing." Her: "Will you kiss me?" Him: "Yes." Her: "My love..." After five years of marriage, you may read this conversation...from the bottom to the top, that is...*big evil grin* The Author

AFTER THE SUNNY JUNE...
What have I missed so far while completing "The Sunny June" entries? Quite a lot. My cousin's wedding on June 29 in Bandung. The party was great and I ate too much until I got sick.*blushes* Then my sister's wedding on July 6. (Yes, she finally got married to G.) All I remember was the super tight traditional Javanese outfit (the bustier was a number smaller!) that had almost made me faint, but I had to put up with it the entire day. They wondered why my expression had been a little strained - even when I smiled, I mean...winced!:P It was already harder to breathe, okay? In the name of looking all beautiful, elegant, and sexy (haha!), I'd almost killed myself! Since then, G's been living with my family. Well, that's okay - as long as he stays away from my privacy. Meanwhile, I can concentrate more on my life. My job, my writing, and my effort to be more independent.;) Somebody very important in my life once wondered why I wrote those "Sunny June" entries. He was even slightly afraid that I might've been obsessive with...Nick.:( To be honest, that kind of disappointed me. Why? Of all the people in the world that I know today, I expected him to understand me right away. But I guess I shouldn't expect too much from other people, no matter how much I care about them. I wrote those entries because I don't want to forget. Yes, people. It's just that simple. I want to remember those good times, beautiful memories I'd like to treasure for life. Those were the moments when I spent some real quality time with someone I love who's coming from a distance. I want the world to know just how happy and safe he's made me feel, eventhough for only a short time. He's shown me that sometimes - it's okay to just stop fighting against the world and rest my head for a while. I remember when I told Hani this: "I just want to hold him in my arms and wish for time to stop." You know what she said? "You can do that in your story. Just freeze him in there." That's exactly what I was doing. So, if it turns out that he and I don't receive God's Blessings to be together for life, then at least God's been kind enough to give us those sunny days in June. If you were a writer too, I'm sure you'd understand better. Right...Tiger?:( I'm still trying to understand you as much as I can too, btw. We know how love works in its strangest ways. I'm trying to understand why you've still wanted to give her another chance - even after all she's done to you in the past. You know, not many people - even guys - are really capable of that. I just hope she won't break you apart again this time. Because if the same story repeats itself, then by God I wish... ...nevermind.:| It was never my right to anyway. And I never got in your way from the very beginning. It's always been your choices. I'm just doing what any best friend must and will do. Praying that it won't be another wrong decision that can tear you apart. Praying that - whatever may happen in the future - you'll get to grasp the happiness prepared by God, long before this entire universe ever existed. Why? There's always a part of me that loves you dearly, but can only pray silently. It's always been that way since the very beginning... The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 14
June 15, 2008 Princess Leia: "I love you." Han Solo: "I know." Okay, you might wonder just why I start with these two famous lines from "Star Trek V: The Empire Strikes Back". Well, just keep on reading until you find the slight connection here. Finally, the last day came. It was time to let you go. Just as planned, you'd be flying off to Hongkong first - and then to China for your summer school program. I woke up at four. I thought it would've been hard to wake you up that early, but - hey, you came out of my room fifteen minutes after I woke up. You waved at me first before heading to the bathroom. Then, you came out again and looked at me. "Uh, is it okay if we leave as soon as possible?" you asked me. "I want to get there early." "Okay," I agreed. "But I need to pray first." Then I added with a slightly weak smile, "For you to have a safe flight." "That's what I need," you said with a grateful smile. "A safe flight." Of course, dearie. I'd pray for all the good things in life to come to you. Why? Because you're such a sweetheart and you deserve it. Besides, I love you - no matter what. Still, I was very, very sad that early morning. (That was normal, right?) I cried silently in my prayer. After that, I woke the girls up. I also woke my brother up too. Why? He'd already kindly offered to drive us to the airport. (That's why you kept telling me: "Your brother is really, really nice." Well, indeed!) When my parents were wide awake, you nicely thanked both of them for having you around for almost two weeks. Then, the fiveof us - you, me, my brother, Hani, and Mbak Bina too - went inside the car. It was raining outside. How strange. I decided to let you sit next to my brother, while the girls and I were in the backseat. Why? I didn't want you to see me cry. I was still afraid. --- // --- "Ruby, stop crying." I roughly wiped my eyes and stared at Hani. She handed me a tissue. I accepted it without another word, though. I wished she hadn't had to say that out loud. Worst of all, she'd said it in English. Ah, nevermind. Whatever. We got there at sometime around six in the morning. Before we got out of the car, you turned to my brother and said, "Thank you very much." Of course, my dear brother just shrugged. He got out to help you with your stuff out of the trunk. After that, he turned to me. "I'm gonna park the car," he told me. "Let me know when you're done, okay? Just take your time." "Okay, thanks." Then he drove off, straight to the huge parking lot. Meanwhile, the four of us headed into the airport hall. I saw you take out your ticket and boarding pass before turning to the girls and me. "I guess this is it." Yes, this is it. I felt the all too damn familiar lump forming in my throat again, seriously choking me. My eyelids felt incredibly heavy with those warm liquids threatening to fall. "Thank you for having me here. Thank you so much," you said softly as you hugged me close. It felt so warm. I automatically hugged you back and closed my eyes, letting the tears fall. Please, don't stop hugging me. Make time stop for this, God. You had to let go, of course. Then you turned to my friends and hugged them too. I was still crying my eyes out. I didn't care anymore. Then I saw you turn around and walk to the door to board your flight, holding your tickets and dragging your suitcase with you. I could feel my two friends staring at me. Oh, hell. Whatever. "Nick, wait!" I called out, following you. You stopped abruptly and turned around to face me again. Your smoky-blue eyes went wide and then saddened. "Ruby..." "I've been such an idiot lately," I blurted out. I knew I didn't have much time, so I made it quickly. "I know that I should've told you this earlier." "Ruby, smile." "I love you." "I know." You smiled so sweetly, before you hugged me for one last time. Then after that, we parted and you entered that door. You didn't turn around again. I know? Okay, silly me. What kind of answer would I have expected from you? Ah, nevermind. I'll just leave it like that for now. "Good luck," I whispered, wiping my tears for one last time. Then I went back to my friends. They were obviously grinning at me. "Congratulations, Ruby!" Hani beamed. "That's okay. What's more important is that you've finally let him know." I had to smile at that. Yeah, for now. Then a sly grin spreadt across her round face. "By the way, you were very brave," she complimented. "If I were you, I might never have the guts to do what you just did!" I stared at her in disbelief. Huh?? "HANIII!!!" -finished for now, not the end (since I hate goodbyes!)- The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 13
June 14, 2008 He woke up really late again. I didn't mind, though. Let him have enough rest. He certainly needed that. When he finally woke up, I made him some tea again. He said he didn't want to go anywhere else again today. He must start packing - the least favourite activity for a traveler, he said. Yes, he hates that. He also became very edgy and moody that day. He talked a lot. He complained. I mostly just listened to him. (That's what I do best, remember?) I accompanied him to the same 'net-bar' again. We had a pretty late lunch at another small dine-in next to the Padangese one we'd tried a week earlier. Thankfully, the baked chicken and rice soothed his mood a little. We had a light and pretty funny conversation there, mostly exchanging our different phrases and impressions from our own languages. What did I tell him? Nothing. Did I tell him anything about it? No, not yet. Why? I was scared, okay? Besides, the timing was really bad. He was still in a slightly touchy mood. A serious subject like that was totally out of the question. Okay, okay. I was just being a coward. What did Hani say about it? Oh, good sweet Hani. She texted my cellphone: "Ruby, if you still don't tell him that, I will kill you." Oh, dear. She just wouldn't quit, would she? Of course, or else she'd never have been my best friend! "But I'm scared, Han. I'd rather face a street-thug at night." "I don't care, because I prefer you tell him that and then faint right in front of him after that!" Ha-ha. I mean, seriously. How crazy would that be? This ain't no stupid chickflick! --- // --- I decided to invite Hani and Mbak Bina over to stay the night. They wanted to see Nick off at the airport the next morning too, so I figured it would be best that all of us going from the same place. Thankfully, they both agreed. And I needed their mental support too, for real. I felt that I was going to collapse anytime soon. Falling apart on the inside was what I feared. At night, we went have dinner at Mahimahi - a seafood restaurant at Tendean, South Jakarta - along with my family. Before that, he still had some time studying Chinese in the late afternoon. He even got to show Dad the pictures from his laptop. Dad was quite impressed with the pictures of his cute orange cat Hilary. (Indeed!) Then Hani suddenly texted my cellphone again: "Ruby, just hold his hand and tell him you love him!" AAARGH!!! I must've unconsciously groaned quite loud, because he suddenly looked up at me. "Ruby, what's wrong?" he asked softly. I panicked. "Uh, nothing." On the way to Mahimahi that evening, he and I were sitting on the backseat of the car - while my parents were on the front. Dad was driving. The silence in the air was quite discomforting. Many times I snuck quick glances at his direction, but I still couldn't say a damn word. I was dead speechless. Some cat must've gotten my tongue. So, I took out my cellphone from my sling bag and started typing: I'M GOING TO MISS YOU. "By the way, thanks so much for stopping by," I heard myself murmur. I finally glanced at him. "It's been great fun." "Yeah, I've had a great time too here," he admitted with a smile that - once again - turned my knees weak like jelly. "Thanks for having me here." "Sure thing." Oh, please say something - anything about it, I begged silently. I gave him my cellphone so he could read the message. "I'm gonna miss you too," he said after a long pause. He looked at me seriously and returned my cellphone. "It's not something embarrassing." I know, but Hani said you're going to tell me something else too, I thought. I felt tears flowing again, and I roughly wiped them away. I didn't want him to see me cry like that. I thanked God for darkness around us. Then I secretly glanced at him again. To my surprise, he looked as if he was also wiping something from his eyes. My heart skipped a beat. Was I just imagining it? Was he really crying too? Please, no. I could take just about any other pain but that. I typed another message on my cellphone before showing it to him: BTW, I HAVE A PROBLEM. I CAN'T TELL THE LOVED ONES HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEM. "Do you think that's my weakness?" I asked him when he finally read it and returned my cellphone again. "I don't know," he simply answered, his smoky-blue eyes pierced into mine. I sighed and rested my head against the recliner of the seat. I said nothing more. --- // --- Dinner at Mahimahi was great. All my immediate family members were there: my parents and The Almost Twins. Even Gatot was there too, but that just didn't bother me that much. I didn't care. I was glad that he and my brother sat at the other end of the table, because they both smoke and Nick dislike it. Surprisingly, Uncle Asoka and Aunt Ria showed up too. They were surprised to see a cute redhead sitting next to me. And of course, I introduced that cute redhead to them. They asked him so many questions. They even teased him a little. (Aww, Nick-ku. They all told me you were tad serious that night, right after you left. I wanted them to notice your beautiful smile too, my dear.) Then Mom suddenly told Aunt Ria about how his arrival had shocked her a lot at first. I grinned with amusement. I knew she'd thought that I was only making things up long ago. "See, Mom?" I smirked at her. "I told you Nick was real. He's not just my imaginary friend." They all laughed, including him. Of course, he knew just what the real problem was. I mean, he was always there for me as a great friend in need. I felt less lonely when he was around. I felt safe. I felt...belonged. I guess that's why I really enjoyed that last dinner in Jakarta with him. It also felt as if he wasn't just a guest, but already part of the family. Especially when my sister suddenly gave him a surprise gift: a batik shirt! "This is not a farewell gift," she told him with a smile. I'd seriously wanted to hug her, but we were sitting across from each other. "This is a welcome gift. Welcome to our family!" "Thank you," he accepted it with a more dazzling smile. I simply felt the warmth in my heart from what I saw that night... --- // --- By the time the four of us returned home, Hani and Mbak Bina were already waiting for us by the front porch. They were so happy to see him, and so was he to them. I let the three of them have a chat, while I was silently struggling hard to get a grip. I'm going to miss him a lot. God, I don't want to cry... When he was finally asleep in my room, the girls and I gathered outside in silence. Hani looked at me seriously and said sadly: "You don't have much time left for that." "I know." The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 12
June 13, 2008 I woke up that morning to fix you some tea again, but then suddenly remembered that you were still in Jogjakarta. It's going to be a long day," I thought gloomily, before heading off to work. --- // --- After work, I waited until it was quite late before texting Mbak Bina's cellphone. I asked her where I could meet that evening to pick you up. She said Blok M Plaza again, so that's where I went to. That time, I didn't feel the need to hurry. But still, I got there too soon. So, I decided to have dinner first at Hoka Hoka Bento. The ebi furai was mighty delicious. After that, I roamed around again in the plaza for a while. I guess I couldn't do that very long, because most of the other shops were about to close. It was almost nine anyway. So I chose the only place that opens 24 hours. Where? McDonald's, of course. With SPICE! magazine and chocolate sundae, I sat there alone - waiting for you and her to come. Mbak Bina texted my cellphone again, telling me that you two were still on your way back from the airport by DAMRI bus. I replied, telling her that I'd be waiting at McDonald's. At 9:30, I was bored. My chocolate sundae was already finished and I felt sleepy. Thankfully, I didn't have to work the next day. At 9:45 or so, Mbak Bina texted my cellphone again - announcing that they'd arrived. I rushed outside to meet them, but then they already came in from another direction. I had to return after receiving another text from Mbak Bina again. Predicting how tired you might've been from the trip, I had to resist my urge to hug you instantly. I just walked over to where you both were sitting. When you turned around, I could see red splotches on your fair skin. The obvious sunburn. Ouch. "Guess what time I had to wake up this morning," you drawled. I could notice the dark circles under your eyes and Mbak Bina grinning next to you. "Uh...six?" "Nope. Guess again." "Three." "No." "Five? Four??" "Four-thirty, to be exact." "Ah..." My laughter almost exploded, but Mbak Bina couldn't suppress hers any longer. God, no wonder you looked terribly exhausted! Poor you. You had to wake up way earlier than usual, because the tourist bus to Borobudur temple left at five from where you were staying. We went our separate ways. Mbak Bina returned home alone, while you and I were getting on the same bus home. We didn't talk much, but it was okay. I knew you were tired. But at least, you still told me that you and Mbak Bina had seen Borobudur and Prambanan temples too. The expensive taxi ride from Solo to Jogjakarta. A night at Malioboro. Strange college students rallying under the rain, protesting the oil price. You promised me that you'd show me the pictures soon. Still, you needed to go to the same 'net-bar' again before going home. You needed to check out a lot of stuff regarding your next flights and summer school in Beijing too. (And of course, I accompanied you.) By the time we returned home, my parents were still awake. You still had enough strength to transfer your pictures from your camera to your laptop. After that, sleep was all you needed for the rest of that night. Good night, Nick-ku. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 11
June 12, 2008 I hardly said a thing since morning. He was ready with the grey backpack. We said bye to our parents and then had breakfast at my next-door neighbour's front porch. He said his stomach felt really weird, so we avoided spicy food. Waiting for Mbak Bina at Blok M, he suddenly asked me to buy him a can of Coke. Now that was unusual. He once said he didn't like soda. "That's for my stomach." Oh, okay. So I did (with his money, of course! He only asked me to translate what the vendor people might say in Bahasa.) Since the top of the can was slightly dirty, he asked for a straw. Thankfully, the vendor girl had a dozen more of them. "Wait. There's a hair above your eyebrow," he suddenly said and touched my forehead. Then he showed it to me. "Here. It's been stuck to your forehead the whole time." I giggled. "Too bad I couldn't see it." "Of course not, silly." He giggled too. "You'll need a mirror for that, or your eyeballs would be like those in horror movies. Yuck!" Haha. --- // --- Mbak Bina finally showed up at 9:45 am. Since we didn't want to miss the bus, we got on one quickly. Right on schedule, the DAMRI bus left at ten. "You're gonna see the airport again twice this week," he suddenly reminded me with an amused grin. "First today and then on Sunday too." The day you'll leave, I silently noted. Then I went quiet again until we reached the airport at sometime around eleven. --- // --- It took almost an hour for the three of us to finally find two available tickets for a flight to Jogjakarta that same day - with a reasonable price. We'd asked around all the ticket boxes for each local airline until we found the most suitable ones from AirAsia. Two tickets to Solo, actually, but they were much cheaper. Mbak Bina said that she and Nick could take a taxi to Jogjakarta from there. Hani had already recommended a place to stay overnight and local friends to contact for more details and help. Okay. It seemed that everything was all set. Good. We had lunch at one of the local restaurants at the airport. It was madly expensive! I shouldn't have ordered the spicy siomay anyway. The weather was already very hot and that meal just made it worse. I was badly sweating. And the damn spicy sauce was torturing my stomach too. Ouch! At one, they were about to board the flight, and I couldn't bear to stay there any longer. I just told them that it was time for me to leave. "Okay, then we'll see you again tomorrow," he simply said. We hugged (while again, I silently wished for time to stop, right there and then.) "Have fun," I whispered and smiled at him. I turned to Mbak Bina and hugged her too, saying: "Titip Nick ya, Mbak." (Take care of Nick for me, Mbak.) "Okay," she said with a smile. Then I simply turned around and walked away, leaving them both behind me. I wasn't even tempted to look back - not even once. Why? I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to toughen myself up. You know, hiding my sadness and all. It didn't work, though. Not at all. (Damn it!) By the time I got on a DAMRI bus back to Blok M, I was almost in tears. I had to grit my teeth to keep them from flowing. I didn't tell him anything. I couldn't. I didn't have enough guts. I was such a coward... My cellphone beeped. It was Hani's text: "Don't worry, Ruby. He'll return soon. Btw, have you told him yet?" I sighed. Then I replied: "No, not yet. I didn't get the right time and privacy." I knew that she'd react this way: "What?? Ruby, you only have time until Saturday. IF you never tell him, then you're gonna regret that for the rest of your life." Now I was really crying. --- // --- I decided to send my writing for a local online contest. Then I worked on the lesson plans for the next day again. Good distractions from my sadness. Then Hani suddenly texted my cellphone again, insisting that I check on them in Jogjakarta - because Mbak Bina still didn't reply her last text. I did better than that. I called her. "Hey, we're having dinner here," said Mbak Bina cheerfully. "He's trying that sweet gudeg and lamb satay too. Wanna talk to him?" "No, that's okay. Let him have fun there. Take care, guys." I didn't want to be clingy. And I wasn't jealous either. I trusted my friend. She's actually dating someone else. (Besides, he and I aren't exactly an 'item' yet, no matter how I really feel about him. What rights do I have anyway?) But still, I missed him terribly that night. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 10
June 11, 2008 Sometimes, I hate falling in love. True, that can make you feel happier and become a better, much nicer person. But hey, there's another side effect too. It risks your heart out - over and over again. It risks your sanity too. You're trying your best to act cool, but only to end up looking (and feeling) like a complete fool. And you feel sad when you have to let them out of your sight - even for just a day or two. You don't want them to be away from you. You want them stay. (It's impossible, isn't it?) You wish you could always take care of them. But still, that logical part of you knows that it's no good. If you love someone, you just want them to be happy. You know when you must set them free. Treat them like beautiful butterflies. Never clip their wings, so they can stay beautiful, happy, and free. So they can also always feel safe with you, knowing you'll never want to put them in a jar with a tight lid. What the hell am I talking about here? By the way, Hani was right, Sayangku. I should've suggested you to go out with her while I was at work. I should've done that earlier. You weren't supposed to just stay at home and wait for me everytime I had to work. You needed to see (and experience) more out there. That's why that Wednesday morning, I took you to Blok M's bus terminal to meet Hani and Mbak Bina. They were going to take you around this big city more than what I had done before. "Mbak Bina has an idea," said Hani suddenly, beaming. "She's gonna take Nick to see Borobudur temple in Jogjakarta tomorrow!" Say what?? "Yeah, you know just how much Nick wants to see that for real," Mbak Bina chimed in merrily. "We've all noticed that since Taman Mini." Not just that, but I've also noticed the look on your face too when you saw the replicant of Borobudur inside National Monument. I knew you'd been wanting to see that. I'd have been selfish not to let you go. Besides, you obviously liked the idea. But still, I was a little sad. "I wish I could go with you guys - today and tomorrow too." I pouted. "I wish I didn't have to go to work today and tomorrow." And I only want to be with you, I thought silently. Can your smoky-blue eyes see through me and notice that? "Aww, hey." You smiled at me. "I know just how you feel. I used to work at nights and had to miss hanging out with my friends, remember?" Yeah, your old night-shifts at a video store. But somehow, I still felt strangely blue. A lump began forming in my throat, slowly suffocating me. "Hey, I'll see you again tonight, okay?" You reached out to hug me close. Instantly, I hugged back. It felt sooo comfortable. Time seemed to stop. It felt like we weren't in a crowded bus terminal in Jakarta. In fact, I didn't really care where we were. I didn't care that people were watching us. I've never felt that safe before. I mean, I'd hugged you a week before - twice. The first was after you gave me that Harry Potter book and a bar of delicious Godiva chocolate. (Yummy!) The second was after you gave my parents that nice-smelling sand paintings made by a native American tribe. After that, I left half-heartedly. I knew I had work to do and that was (more) important. I knew I'd see you again in the evening after work, at least before I'd let him go again the next day for his short flight to Jogjakarta with Mbak Bina. I had nothing to worry about, right? Absolutely nothing. Except one. Hani's text message on my cellphone, as I left: "Don't worry. If you still can't tell him that, then I will." Yikes! --- // --- You took my bedroom key after you'd locked the door, to protect all of you stuff in it - especially your laptop. I was the one who forgot to take my shirt out of my closet for work before. So I had to wear Dad's oversized one to work. I knew I had to concentrate really hard at work. I had to be professional. Well, let's just hope that they didn't know that I was missing you. Strange but true... --- // --- After work that night, I simply hurried back to Blok M by bus. I wanted to see you soon. Hani told me that you'd meet me at Blok M Plaza. I rushed there as soon as I got off the bus. I even wished I could've flown my way there to you! Haha. I know, Sayang. That was just way too much. I spotted you and Hani at the bookstore on the fifth floor. You two were chatting merrily and laughing. I was glad that you were having a great time with my friends here. I didn't have to worry. They care about you too, you know? I slowly snuck behind the counter, watching you talk. Then I jumped out to surprise Hani. "Aaargh!" she screamed and jerked away, practically bumping into a squatting guy nearby. Looking seriously annoyed, he got up and glared at us - before leaving quickly. You and I both laughed. So did she. "Ruby, you just shocked me!" "I think you just gave Hani a heart attack," you agreed with an amused grin. When Mbak Bina finally turned up and joined us, Mom suddenly texted my cellphone. She said that she and my sister would pick us up there, and then take us to dinner. Of course, we agreed. "Don't forget to meet here again tomorrow morning," Mbak Bina reminded us. "The DAMRI bus leaves at ten for the airport." "Okay." Of course, I'd escort you guys there too. I wanted to see you one last time. Before we said goodbye to Hani and Mbak Bina when Mom and my sister arrived, Hani pulled me aside and whispered something in Bahasa: "Mission accomplished. I've already told him how you really feel about him. Don't worry. It's all cool." Huh?? "Uh, thanks," I mumbled, not really knowing what to say. My feet went cold. What should I do then? When we got in the car and my sister started driving away, you suddenly said: "I forgot something." "What is it?" I turned to you and asked. "Hani still has my camera," you told me. "She's not flying with us tomorrow, remember?" At first, I'd thought it would've been okay. Hani could've given your camera to Mbak Bina before the next day. But when I told Mom about it, she quickly ordered my sister to drive back to Blok M Plaza and me to text Hani's cellphone. Both of us did, though. I could tell that you felt bad about it. You asked me not to panic and said sorry to Mom. "That's okay," said Mom. "A camera is a very important personal belonging. You must keep it yourself." Thankfully, we weren't that far yet. Hani and Mbak Bina were also still around. After finally getting your camera back, we drove away again to have dinner at an area of food vendors in Tanah Kusir. The dinner was okay. To be honest, I felt happy around Mom and The Almost Twins - because you were there too... By the time we got home, I couldn't resist asking Hani about what had been going on while I wasn't around. You told me about several museums you had visited with them that all day. I texted Hani's cellphone again: "Uh, how did he react when you told him about...that?" --- // --- The three of you ended the day at Blok M Plaza while waiting for me. Later on, the girls told me how overheated you were from your outdoor walk in the sun - until they had to rush you in a cab to Blok M Plaza for a cold drink in an air-conditioned room. (I know you didn't want them to tell me that because you didn't want me to worry too much about you. It's okay, dear. I needed to know because I care.) Then, after you felt much better, the three of you simply roamed around the mall. Hani couldn't really remember just how it started, but then she blurted out about me: "You know, Ruby's been wanting to tell you something really important, but whenever she looks into your blue eyes - she just loses it." "I know," you gently cut in with a smile. "I knew it already. And, by the way, my eyes are actually more greyish than blue." Smoky-blue eyes, I still think - like the colour of the morning sky in my city. "It's just that...she doesn't know what to say - and how to say it." "I don't know, Hani. I've already asked Ruby the same question three times. Now it's up to her." And that was when I suddenly showed up to surprise them there. --- // --- "He's just the nicest man I've ever met, Ruby. You're so lucky. I'm glad to have both of you as my friends!" Really? "How did he know that? And he's not mentioning any of it to me yet." "Ruby, even the blind can tell that about you. And please, stop making me laugh right now. Maybe he's waiting for the right time to discuss that again." Maybe. I silently watched you pack up for the next day. Then my cellphone beeped again: "Maybe you can try talking about it with him tomorrow, before he leaves." Oh, yeah. Right. That would be a great idea. .......................... Easier said than done. That night, I loaned you my brother's grey backpack for your trip. You accepted it and simply thanked me. I'm going to miss you again tomorrow... The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 9
June 10, 2008 He was still terribly exhausted from the day before. I could tell. How? Usually, he woke up at about eight or nine. I usually made him a cup of tea at that time. But that morning, the tea had left untouched and gone cold. It was already way past eleven. I'd had my breakfast. He still didn't come out of my room. Was he okay? Was he ill? Oh, please no! "Maybe he's still tired from last night," Mom speculated, reading my mind. I just shrugged. Yeah, maybe. Well, I hoped. Finally, he woke up at almost about twelve. He rushed to the bathroom and then returned to my room. By the time he got out, he was well-dressed again. He smiled at me and I just grinned back at him. "Hi," he said softly. "Sorry, I guess I was so out of it last night." "That's okay." I shrugged. Then he looked at his watch. "I don't think we're gonna have enough time to go to any museums today," he said. "I mean, all museums here close at three, right?" "Right." So, we ended up driving around the city with my brother all day long. My brother was delivering my sister's wedding invitations to all of her friends around. Nick was quite amazed when he checked into the huge plastic bags full of hard-covered red envelopes. "That many??" Yes, dear. That many. My sister's popular, remember? It was too bad that we didn't get to visit any museums that day. Honestly, I was afraid that it might've bored him to death, but I thanked God that he still remembered to bring his camera with him. When we passed an autoshop in Cipete, Fatmawati, South Jakarta, he suddenly laughed. "Now that's really funny. I should take a picture of that." "What?" I looked out the window with him. At that time, the car was still stopping to a red light in front of us at the intersection. When I finally noticed the sign at the autoshop, I understood what he thought of it and grinned. The sign said: CAT OVEN. "Actually, it's an auto-paint heater," I had to explain that to him, especially since he's a cat-lover. "My people tend to mix up the use of English and Bahasa, because cat (pronounced 'chat') means 'paint'." "I see. Interesting." We also picked up some photo-frames for my sister's pre-wedding pictures from Tebet, Central Jakarta. Thankfully, we'd also managed to snag some ba pao in Panglima Polim, South Jakarta on the way, because I was starving. (I'm sure Nick was too, although he didn't say anything about it.) I was also glad that my brother the smoker had been understanding enough not to smoke around Nick. The we picked my sister up from work that night. Since she was hungry and so were my brother and I (and it was also dinner time), we went to "Sambara" - a Sundanese restaurant in Cipete. We ate quite a lot. Nick and I ordered red rice (much healthier, they say) and some vegetables. I also ordered a piece of fried meat. Nick tried 'sayur asam' (sour vegetables with corn). We met our parents' old friends at that restaurant too. Uncle Eddie and Aunt Nana used to work with my parents at the same office. When they saw us, they smiled and waved at us as they approached. "Just look at the three of you now," exclaimed Aunt Nana happily - in Bahasa, of course. The Almost Twins and I grinned. "You've all grown up!" Yes, it's been a while. "And you, Ruby," she went on after noticing Nick sitting beside me. "I still remember when you were a little girl and how you wanted to talk to foreigners - so you called them all: 'Hey, tourists!'" I felt my face get hot. Why do most of my parents' friends always remember that embarrassing incident long time ago? I was just a silly little kid! After they said bye to us and left, Nick looked at the three of us curiously. "Who are they?" he asked. "Our parents' friends," my sister told him with a smile. "They worked in the same office long ago." "Ah." And then he looked at me. "And what did the lady just tell you?" Oh, should I just tell him? Hehe, of course. I couldn't lie to his smoky-blue eyes, remember? From that smile on his face, I suspected that he might've thought that my childhood encounter with Caucasians was pretty amusing. When my sister asked for the bill, a waitress came and handed her that. My sister stared at the bill and was obviously stunned. "No way," she gasped in Bahasa. "What's wrong?" I asked her. She looked up at me. "They just paid for our bills too," she told me, still in shock. "Mom and Dad's friends." Oh, wow. "What is it?" Nick asked too, suddenly sensing our puzzlement. My sister looked at him and repeated her answer in English: "Our parents' friends just paid for our bills." "The couple who just talked to us," I added, just in case he forgot. I saw him nod with a puzzled look on his face. Then my sister called Mom and told her about what had happened. Uncle Eddie and Aunt Nana, I hope you guys are reading this. Thank you so much! --- // --- We went to Hero Supermarket in Terogong, South Jakarta after dinner. My sister needed to buy some stuff. While The Almost Twins were busy shopping a little, Nick and I were just loitering around. He took another picture of a jar of mushrooms that was labeled: FUNGI. (Haha!) He and I went to the 'net-bar' again before finally going home. All in all, it had been an ordinary day. Thank God Hani and Mbak Bina would take over my job by showing him more around Jakarta while I'd be working. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 8
June 9, 2008 I'm sorry, dear. I know you hate waking up too early. You need your eight-hour sleep everyday. But I had no choice. We had to wake up earlier than usual, because I had to catch up with my classes. Hani's place is practically at the very east corner of the city, and I work in the...south. And besides, you agreed. But still, I felt bad. Well, I woke you up at 6:15 am - according to our agreement the night before. Thankfully, it only took a single knock on the door. "Nick?" "Yeah." You came out of Hani's room, obviously still looking sleepy. I was amazed, but then you told me that you'd simply set your alarm clock the night before. Good. After thanking Mbak Bina for her hospitality, we left with Hani. She had to teach a class at seven. We parted with her when she finally reached her destination. Again, I suddenly felt sick. But this time, you noticed. I had goosebumps all over my arms. I tried to take deep breaths and just suck it all back in. No, I'm not going to throw up," I mentally commanded myself. Not here, not ever, and not in front of you anyway. But I knew that I couldn't lie to your smoky-blue eyes when you asked me this question: "Are you cold?" "Just a little sick," I admitted. Then the painful rush in me gradually disappeared. Thank God. "But not anymore." "Good." I'm always aware of what usually happens to me when I don't get enough sleep. I get slightly disoriented with too much worry and exhaustion. My eyes can't tolerate too much brightness. Worst of all, my temper is...pretty short. That was why I felt so relieved that you were there with me. Believe it or not, you were the one that made me hold myself together when the other people were pushing us really hard - just so they could get on the TransJakarta bus quickly. (I know, they're always that crazy!) I didn't want to screw up our buzzed-out morning even worse by snapping at them. I didn't want to freak you out too, knowing just how messed-up I can really be when I'm angry. We were both very tired. For that moment, silence was golden... --- // --- "Ruby, Ruby! Wake up. I don't know where we must get off. Don't sleep too long!" "Huh??" Oh, dear God! I'd dozed off on the bus again. I woke up and blinked. The rest was a blur. We bought our quick breakfast at a food vendor nearby from home. Then I hurried on with my lesson plans. You sat next to me in the living room with your Chinese textbook open. We hardly said a word to each other. Our parents were home, and Mom thought it was pretty funny to see us that way. She bought us lunch. When I was finally done with the lesson plans (thank God!), I prepared myself to leave. You were still busy studying when I grabbed my bags. "I'll be home by eight or so," I told you, gently patting your shoulder. "I'll be here." --- // --- "You're teaching a Tuesday-Thursday class too - starting this week." What? I stared at my principal in disbelief and shock. No, please. Not now, while you're still here and I've promised you long ago that I'll escort you around Jakarta even before I accepted this job. "But...I'm sorry, I can't." Have I mentioned that - sometimes - I don't like surprises? Besides, I wasn't really ready and still wanted to take one (small) step at a time. "Remember about my American friend who's visiting me here right now? I've already told you about him the first day before. I've already promised him that I'd help him with his college assignment about Chinese communities in Jakarta during my spare time." Okay, I know that wasn't really nice, but I half-lied. (What else could I do, right?) You were here to roam around Jakarta before your real summer school in Beijing would start. You're taking Chinese Literature in college. The assignment? Ha-ha. What assignment? I know that was not ethically...acceptable, but a promise is still a promise, okay? "Oh." He looked disappointed. Feeling bad, I blurted out: "But I can do it after June 15." "Okay." There. the problem was solved. Case closed. A slightly insolent proby that I was, but I believe I've made a pretty decent bargain. Besides, I still want to be responsible like most sensible adults at work. To make it worse, Hani suddenly called after classes to talk about...that subject again. "Come on, Ruby! It's already been a week," she urged. I was busy preparing for the next lessons. "You can tell him anytime soon now." "Tell him what?" "That you love him!" The papers flew away from my hands. I had to bend down and pick them up. "Are you crazy?" I protested through gritted teeth. "I can't." "What do you mean you can't? Just say the words and that's all." "And then what?" I challenged her. "He'll be flying away to Beijing and I can't even promise him a damn thing." "Well, you don't have to," Hani said simply. "Sometimes, the most important thing is to just tell him how you really feel about him. After that, you two can worry - I mean, discuss - about the rest of the possibilities." Really? I thought doubtfully. Is it that easy? "But I'm scared." This has been my major problem for years since teenager. Let a street thug face me on the street at night, and I'll fight him off to death. Saying such things to my dream prince? Big gulps. "Don't be!" Now Hani really sounded annoyed. "Sometimes love doesn't always have to end in a relationship. You can still love even without it. Besides, you have the right to." That did it. I felt tears starting and hated myself for it. I began to speak - no, croak: I think I'm going to cry." "It's okay if you need to." "Well, not here, okay?" It was too late now. I roughly wiped my cheeks with my sleeves and tried my hardest to regain the control of my breath. Not in the office, where someone at work could still come in anytime and catch me - although it was pretty dead quiet at seven. God, please help me. I love him... "So, are you coming home now?" she asked me after a long pause. "Yeah," I answered weakly. "He wants to try grilled banana with cheese nearby and I've promised that I'll take him there tonight after work." "Okay, then I'll probably call you again after that." Okay." Thankfully, I had enough time to regain my emotions all the way home. I didn't want you to see me cry. I didn't want to confuse nor even upset you. I guess I was just overly protective of you. Before I carry on with this, I'd just like to say that I hate pity. Pity sucks and I don't even need it. This what often happens to me. I fall in love, but there never really is a relationship. It's just me and my feelings. That old man character from "The Holiday" - Albert, I guess - was right. In a movie, there are always two female characters. One is the leading lady and the other is the best friend. And I'm sure people can guess which character fits me best. I don't know how to play the potential, future girlfriend. I don't know how to play hard-to-get, because I'm always the lousy actress. I know I may never win an Oscar for that. I don't know how to flirt and act indifferent just to get them curious and more interested in me. I'm a terrible liar. I'll simply get kicked out of that kind of game in ten seconds, maybe even less than that. I just know how to be me. I'm a clumsy tomboy, a best friend to most good guys out there - even one she truly cares about more. I just know how to show, not tell them how I feel. I prefer waiting silently, until someone might notice the leading lady in me. Besides, it's not just about religion issues that worry me the most. I know just how it feels when someone you love says they love you back, but can't promise you a damn thing. That just hurts, eventhough you can still understand their reasons why. And I don't want to end up doing the same thing to you. I don't want to hurt you. I just want you to be happy, because happiness is just what a real, sweet guy like you truly deserves. I love you. And I know this much is true... --- // --- "Nick, I'm home!" We finally went to that food vendor that serves grilled banana with cheese that you wanted. At first, you'd thought it might've tasted funny - but after eating it, you said it was tasty. Great. I was glad that you liked it. As promised, Hani called again. She and Mbak Bina offered to take you around Jakarta while I was at work next time. You agreed. You know, it was a good thing that I've introduced you to them too, just so you know that you have more friends here - more people who really care about you. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 7
June 8, 2008 The night before I fell asleep, there was a slightly funny incident. Since Hani had given her room for him, the three of us girls decided to crash together in the living room. But then, I suddenly remembered that my cellphone was still in Hani's room. I knocked on the door and he answered. Then I came in and quickly snatched my cellphone on the desk next to her PC. He noticed that and nodded with understanding. "Oh, yeah." He smirked. "I know you've set your alarm at 4:30 to pray. It's a good idea that you're taking it out." I giggled. So did Hani. We imagined that it must've been really funny, but Nick was being very serious about it. "Or else I'll wake up, take your cellphone out, and then throw it at you," he vowed. "Trust me, I can eat little children at five am." Hehe. Well, at least he could sleep well and didn't have to be bothered by mosquito bites all night long. Me? Oh, please. Just don't ask, okay? I guess that was why I woke up with a headache in the morning. My sleep had been restless and all my arms and legs were itchy like crazy. I even secretly threw up in the bathroom because of my headache. But still, I didn't let them all know. I didn't want to ruin our Sunday plan by making them worry about me. I didn't want to freak him out. I still made two cups of tea for Nick and me. Hani offered her favourite pack of jasmine tea. Yummy too. Then we had breakfast. Yellow rice. He was chatting merrily with Mbak Bina - mostly about The States - because Mbak Bina had lived in Nevada before. Again, I enjoyed seeing that beautiful smile on his face again. In my eyes, it simply put the sun to shame. --- // --- The four of us had a long, fun Sunday at Taman Mini Indonesia Indah (Indonesia's Miniature Park), East Jakarta. I hardly remembered the last time I'd gone there. The place was - and still is - huge. We spotted so many museums and traditional houses in it. The place was also packed with so many visitors. (Weekends. No surprise.) The weather was pretty hot, so I hoped he could take it well. And I was glad that he did. We visited many traditional houses that day. He took pictures. I heard his most favourite comment: "Interesting" many times, whenever someone explained to him about the cultural history in each traditional house. Guess what? We even got special free invitations to see a live music performance at eight that night. Was it just because Nick's a foreigner? I don't know. Maybe. I guess we were just lucky. Hani even agreed. "Now this is something we don't usually get everyday." "Yeah." But wait. My classes on Monday. How would I be able to catch home soon so I'd have enough time for my stupid lesson plans and show up early the next day? I'd lose my sleeping hours even more. "Come on, Ruby!" Hani urged me in a hushed whisper, while Nick and Mbak Bina were already a few feet ahead of us. That's just what normally happens when you're a shortie walking with the taller ones. "This is for him, while he's still here." When I looked at him, I noticed that he seemed excited. He was anticipating the show. "You're right," I finally mumbled to Hani, smiling a little with my eyes still on him. "Anything for him right now." Indeed. --- // --- How was the show so far? It was very entertaining. It was a musical performance from Poso, but I noticed that they had influence from India too. The dancers in the bright-coloured dresses and the female singers, I meant. And the music...it sounded a little Batavian. The only thing that bugged him the most was...smoke. Yes, we were surrounded by heavy smokers, and he was obviously unhappy about it. I felt bad for him. I mean, I'm an ex-smoker. I can still deal with that. After that, the four of us returned to Mbak Bina and Hani's by cab. I'd almost lost my pink umbrella because I forgot to bring it with me after the show. (Stupid!) Thankfully, it was still there when we got back for a short time. I quickly grabbed it and fled. Since it was almost eleven already, I figured it was too late to go back home with Nick. What about tomorrow? We shall see, I thought to myself that night. Whatever may happen. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 6
June 7, 2008 Good morning, Sayangku! Are you ready for another trip today? Well, those were my thoughts when I saw you coming out of my room that Saturday morning. We exchanged smiles and I made us two cups of tea - my new, usual routine. Then, our preparations for the day began. I lent you my brother's grey backpack while I was rummaging through closets for my own traveling one. We were going to stay at Mbak Bina's for the weekend as planned. Mom was already away while Dad was - as usual - at home. We only said bye to him. Well, before going to Mbak Bina's, Hani suggested that we check out The Indonesian Products' Fair in Jakarta's Convention Centre, Senayan, Central Jakarta, and we shouldn't miss that. So, there we went. But, as usual, you needed to go to the 'net-bar' again. That was okay. An hour or two, I'd still wait for you. Well, it was the kind of weekend that I loved so much. (And I wonder if I'll ever get that feeling again.) The day seemed long and almost...endless. It felt like I had nothing to worry about. I've never felt that happy in years. Happy and...safe. I don't know how to say it right. I wish I could just explain it better. You know, sayang, come to think of it - this just sounds pretty damn funny to me. They say I'm a good writer, but when it comes to something like this - I'm just lousy with words. Strange, huh? So, anyway, we went to JCC straight away before visiting Mbak Bina's place. The festival was pretty marvellous. We saw batik, batik, and more batik clothings everywhere - from all around my country. You couldn't even resist buying one for your best friend Sarah (is it Sarah B. or Sarah R.?) We were there until sometime around three. We'd completely forgotten about lunch until we spotted the traditional food displayed on the counters. That was when my stomach started growling angrily. "Man, I'm hungry," I complained. You checked your watch and frowned. "Oh, yeah," you realised and agreed. "We missed lunch hour." Then he looked around. I could already sniff the tasty food everywhere that started to make my head spin, but you said, "Let's grab something else to eat outside, because they look expensive here." "Hell, yeah!" I totally agreed. I noticed a Rp 15,000 price tag on a small rice bun with meat and veggies in it. (Oh, give me a break!) I followed you outside the building. Thankfully, the weather wasn't too hot anymore. Good for you. But unfortunately, my poor head was spinning badly. Damn, I felt dizzy. "I must eat something soon," I said weakly. My vision started to blur. "I think my blood sugar level is pretty low." "Yeah, I can tell," you agreed, your smoky blue eyes full of concern. "You look kind of tired." My bag suddenly felt heavy, but I didn't feel like asking you to carry it for me - not even for a while. I'm not that kind of girl. Besides, I knew that I'd be okay. "Do you need to sit down for a while?" you asked me as I staggered outside with you. My eyes desperately darted around the overly crowded parking lot for cheap food...and a decent bench. "Yes," I answered with a weak sigh. When I saw a food cart of ba pao nearby, I found my solution. After eating ba pao, we continued our journey to Mbak Bina's house in Bekasi. I felt so much better until when we noticed there were so many people lining up to use the Trans Jakarta buses. I knew you were worried that we might've gotten pushed and separated. I felt your hand on my shoulder as you stood behind me. I held it. Don't worry, sayangku. I'll never let you out of my sight that easy here. By the time we got on the last Trans Jakarta bus to Kampung Melayu, East Jakarta, there were two available seats for us. We sat down. I rested my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. I sighed. I'm so tired... Then you suddenly shook me. "Ruby, Ruby. Wake up!" I could hear a slight panic and amusement in your soft voice. "I don't know where we must get off." "Okay,okay." I opened my eyes and blinked rapidly. Oops, sorry! --- // --- The four of us had real fun that Saturday night. We just ate, ate and ate more dinner plus the dessert. (Gaining weight?Who cares? Haha!) I just loved Mbak Bina's homemade pudding and ice cream. Didn't you too, Sayangku? Then we had a long talk until it was quite late at night. Eating too much made me feel sleepy, but...no, I still wanted to stay awake while you were still around and awake too. I wanted to use my limited chance for that. Hani gave you her room, while the girls and I would gather at the living room. You said you felt bad about having to kick people out of their rooms for you. Well, no need to, because you didn't. We offered you our rooms here. We didn't mind, Nick-ku. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 5
June 6, 2008 He woke up much later than before. I knew he was exhausted. The night before, we'd returned at eleven. He'd gone straight to my room. I ended up falling asleep on the couch in the living room until Mom woke me up and told me to move into her room. Since I was already so hungry, I didn't wait for him to wake up. But when he finally did, he just smiled and said, "That's okay. You don't have to wait for me." Once again, he needed to go to the 'net-bar' to check messages and stuff. But before that, we stopped by at a quiet restaurant next to the 'net-bar' for his brunch. He ordered steamed noodles while I was just watching him eat and drinking my tea. I could tell that the two waitresses were eyeing both of us from a distance and giggling excitedly. I could hear their hushed whispers too. Well, well, well. I bet they thought that he was pretty damn cute too. We spent an hour at the 'net-bar'. I understood that he had a lot to do. I just sat next to him, enjoying his sweet smile most of the time he answered his friend's questions on the chatroom. He looked so happy. I knew that I should've grabbed his camera and impulsively taken a picture of him, but I just didn't have the guts. I wasn't sure how he might've reacted to that. Damn, I let the most beautiful expression on his face get uncaptured. I only kept it within. A wonderful memory. --- // --- "I don't think we have enough time to go to any museums today," said Nick as he looked at his watch. "It's already two." I nodded, trying to hide my disappointment. I secretly texted Hani while we were having lunch right in front of Century Drugstore in Panglima Polim. We had chicken soto and satay by the food vendor. It was also raining. I asked Hani if The National Monument would still open until after three. Her reply was: "Yes." She even suggested that we meet her someplace after a visit to The National Monument. I agreed, and then asked Nick about it. Of course, his answer was very simple: "Sure." --- // --- There was almost nobody around but us that late afternoon. The rain just started again, and I had to use my umbrella to cover our heads. It was a bit funny to look at, because I was the one holding the umbrella up and Nick was a little bit taller than me. Thankfully, the rain gradually stopped. I shut the umbrella and carried it with me. The weather was very nice. It was very cool, the kind you normally get in Jakarta right after the rain in the late afternoon and before the night comes. Perfect. I could tell that he was enjoying it too. He was smiling again. Good. He didn't have to deal with the hot weather anymore that day. I was glad that I'd asked him to bring his student card with him. Because of that, we got discounts for the tickets to enter the monument. I took him to the diorama museum in the basement. "Wow, interesting!" he exclaimed as we browsed around the large basement hall. "A little history lesson about Indonesia." "Yeah." Then Hani suddenly texted my cellphone, teasing me: "Now it's time for you to fulfil your romantic fantasy with him there!" What?! She was crazy, I thought, although partly sensible. (And I can't believe I'm writing this here!) I giggled. He noticed me and frowned a little, then grinned with obvious curiousity. "What is it?" he asked me. "Nothing," I answered, trying my best to suppress my grin. "Just a text from Hani." "What is she saying?" "Nothing." "Ruby!" I just giggled but didn't answer. There was no way that I'd have told him that right there and then. No way! I was embarrassed (and still am as I write this, but I guess this is just the price for my own honesty. Hehe.) Then we went to the top of the monument too. I've already been there a few times, but it was still spectacular. I just love being there. And I was glad that I shared that with him. The cool wind was blowing at our faces, sending slight shivers down my spine and making my wavy hair look like the hair of those Japanese anime characters. His hair was always tied in a ponytail, though. I asked him to untie his beautiful red hair, but he grinned and shook his head. "No, no, no," he said, and then took more pictures of the city view from the top of the monument. He did that until the battery in his camera ran out. The sky was starting to darken above us. Gradually, everyone was leaving. There was no one there but us. Just him and I. Perfect. I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to stay there with him. I wanted time to stop forever, just so I could enjoy his presence longer than in real time. Just the two of us - a clumsy tomboy who didn't know what to say or do most of the time and her dream prince charming come true. Hehe. --- // --- We had dinner in Sarinah. As usual, he wanted more vegetables in his menu. The restaurant was a little bit expensive. Then, we carried on to Ismail Marzuki Park in Cikini, Central Jakarta - because Hani and Mbak Bina wanted to meet us there. There was an art exhibition there. Just as I'd predicted earlier, Hani couldn't stop giggling when she saw us. I seriously had to shush her up for that. Mbak Bina just smiled. We'd spent the rest of the night just roaming around the gallery, the bookstore, and finally just sitting on the bench in Jakarta's Art Instituted's outdoor Greek theatre. The air was pleasantly cool, despite so many mosquitos biting our legs. It was quite a pleasant time as well. We were there until about...ten. Oops. Of course, in a dangerous place like Jakarta, you can't just go home alone by either a bus or a taxicab. Hani reminded me about a gang of mean street thugs robbing people in buses and cabs. Plus, Nick is obviously a foreigner. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted was to see something really awful happen to him. No way! If it were only me, I'd take all the risk out there all by myself. After all, I grew up in this city. On our way back home in a cab, my cellphone beeped. I checked and there was a message from Mbak Bina: "Ruby, my niece's birthday party is tomorrow. I want you and Nick to come. You guys can stay at my place too." I showed him that, and he grinned at me. "I'm in." "Great." Then I replied Mbak Bina's message, telling her that we were coming. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 4
June 5, 2008 "Seemed impossible, seemed absurd I didn't know you before Kept my distance, closing in I don't mind caressing your skin." Am I still dreaming in my sleep? Have I woken up already? This all feels too surreal for me. Those were my thoughts of the day. My head felt so much lighter, or maybe it was just because I didn't have to work anymore until next Monday. YAY! So I could spend more time with you. I'd surely call that a blessing. "What did you say? What did you do? Somehow, I feel I'm enchanted by you Flying high, on a mountain high Suddenly, you look as bright as the sky..." Two cups of tea in the morning. Breakfast by the front porch of the house next-door. (Many thanks to Ummi!) This time, you picked the lontong sayur. It was spicy. I hoped you could take it. We stopped by at Panglima Polim first to see Grandpa. I'd wanted to introduce you to him, but he was still asleep. So, we continued our journey to Kota - an older part of this city. Too bad,we'd only gotten a chance to visit Bank Museum. I picked the wrong, boring museum for you to see. Sorry. Then we had lunch at a Padangese restaurant nearby. You were a little surprised to see all food being displayed in the front counter. I only told you: "That's just how we do it here - to attract costumers." "Oh," you exclaimed. "Interesting." Yeah, interesting. You said that a lot about almost everything. (In fact, you still do.) I'd wanted to show you The Historical Museum, but it was already closed at three. One of the staff offered us a private tour for a Rp.50,000 - but we knew better not to. Maybe next time,when it would be officially open. Then we returned to Blok M. By the time we got there, it was already dark. You wanted something for dinner, so I suggested the food vendor in front of Asih Hospital - where The Almost Twins and I were actually born. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong place again. The rawon (a traditional East Javanese black soup with meat) didn't taste that good. Nor did the rice, you told me after that. Worst of all, the guy who sells it was acting really cheeky. Maybe because you're a foreigner - an American - that he thought you must've been rich enough to fill his pocket. He gave us ridiculously high price for the meals. I hated that. "I may not understand a word he said in bahasa," you told me on our way to Grandpa's house. I'd suggested going there because maybe we could get a free ride back home. "But from his expression, his tone, and his body language - I could tell that he was lying his ass off!" "I know." And I'm so sorry. Damn. "I'm sorry," you suddenly apologized. What? "I know it was because of me." "What? No!" No way, man. You just apologized for neo-racism that guy had simply done to you. "I wasn't being careful enough. I'm sorry." "That's okay. We can be more careful next time." Indeed. --- // --- When we arrived at Grandpa's, it turned out that my sister was inviting us to join her, my brother, and...Gatot to have coffee at Gloria Jean's in Kemang. Knowing how the guys love smoking,I hesitated. You hate smoking. I asked you, but all you said was: "It's up to you." "Look, if you're tired, we can call it a day and just go home now. It's okay." You gave me your infectiously sweet smile. You know, the kind of smile that simply warms my heart and makes me feel so much lighter. "I don't want to hold you back from spending some time with your siblings," you calmly told me. Once again, I felt so much lighter and my own smile just widened. Aww, you're so sweet. I don't know why you just had this effect on me. We really did spend time with The Almost Twins and...Gatot. I knew that things hadn't been easy for me lately. But with you around, I just felt so much better. A lot. Somehow, your presence has made me feel much calmer. That night, I didn't really care about my silent resentment over Gatot. I didn't care that we didn't end up at Gloria Jean's, but another food stall near my parents' house. I didn't care that Hani thought I was being a slight idiot for taking you to the wrong (and only one)museum that day. At least she sounded very happy to talk to you on the phone. (And you agreed with me that she always sounds bubbly.) I only cared about you. And I still do. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 3
June 4, 2008 He woke up at eight. He got out of my room to find me sitting in the living room, still working on the damn lesson plan for the day. (I know, I was being a lazy slacker.) After he'd gone to the bathroom and changed into a new T-shirt and shorts, he approached me with a warm smile on his cute face. "Hi." "Hi." I looked up and smiled back at him. Looking good, I thought. "Did you sleep well last night?" "Yeah." Nick nodded and grabbed a chair next to me. He sat down. "Have you finished with the lesson plan already?" Oops. "Err...no,not yet," I admitted shamefully. In other words, I'm feeling as lazy as a world class slacker. "Bad Ruby," he half-teased me, pretending to whack me in the head. "You're supposed to have finished all of that by now. What have you been doing since last night - after I was asleep?" Good question. Instead of finishing the lesson plan, I had my eyes glued to "Pet Sematary 2" on TV. My favourite horror movie. Then Mom suddenly came and scolded me in our native tongue: "Ruby, you should make him some tea!" "Okay, Mom." And so I did. Actually, I made two mugs for us. He accepted one and thanked me. He didn't want any sugar in it, because he felt that it was just fine that way. "Okay." I shrugged and sipped my tea when it was not too hot for me anymore. He did the same. "So, are you ready for some breakfast?" "Not until you finish your lesson plan first," Nick said while grinning at me. "Or else I'm not going anywhere with you." "Okay, okay." He was right,though. I should've finished the lesson plan right away. Besides, I wasn't about to get him starving for way too long. No way! Thankfully,I managed to finish it quickly, so then I could take you out for a brunch. (Especially since it was almost ten.) I was thankful that the weather wasn't too hot. I knew that your pale skin couldn't stand too much heat. We ate at my next-door neighbour's house. I always like this old lady whom I call 'Ummi' (in Arab word, it means 'mother' or 'ma'am'.) She's always been friendly and honest too. She sells tasty food and it's pretty cheap too. Nasi uduk (a flavoured rice with fried onion, soy-sauced tofu, soy bean cake, and an egg) is my favourite there. Mom likes 'lontong sayur' (rice bun with pumpkin vegetables) better. I was glad that he picked the nasi uduk first. I wasn't sure that his stomach was ready for the spicy ones yet! After that, we returned to my parents' house. There were still enough time - although only a little - before I had to leave for work. The day before, you showed me your friend Sarah B's pictures when you were in Bangladesh and India from your laptop files. There were even pictures from China, including the one of your ex-girlfriend. (No, I'm not jealous at all.) That afternoon, you played some of the songs from your laptop. I thought your friend Kelly and Sarah R (not Sarah the excellent photographer) were great singers.Honestly, I thought they both sounded like Indigo Girls. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay with you. But of course, that was not good. I knew you disliked fried food, but you ate fried rice with me for lunch nearby, just so I didn't have to be late for work. "Work hard and make more money," Nick reasoned with a comforting smile. "I'll be here studying my Chinese for my summer school until you get back. Tomorrow, we can start exploring this city, okay?" "Okay." I smiled back. "I'll be back soon, maybe around eight or so." --- // --- I hoped my working hours would've ended anytime soon. The kids in my children's class gave me a hard time. The stereo I'd planned to use for my next class turned out to be...not working at all. I ended up making them do their workbooks while I silently screamed inside. AARGH! Then Mom suddenly texted my cellphone: "Ruby, Dad and I are going to a party. Nick is home alone." I quickly grabbed the materials I needed for the next lesson plan. Then I headed home as fast as possible. I finally returned at sometime around 8:30. "Nick, I'm home!" From the window, I could see him sitting in the living room all by himself. His Chinese textbook was on the glass table. The light in the living room just made his red hair look a little orange. I opened the door and went straight into the living room. He looked at me and frowned, asking, "A rough day at work?" "Sort of." I didn't want to talk about it anymore. We bought rice and pumpkin vegetables for dinner at home. Then we watched the pilot episode of "Firefly" from Nick's laptop until my parents finally returned home. I thought it was a cool TV show. And I couldn't wait for tomorrow! The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE 2
May 2008 Sayangku, My job training in ILP was pretty grueling. I hardly had enough time to do anything else, because I always came home late, exhausted, and with so many assignments. I could only breathe more easily during weekends. Those were the times when I had time to either hang out with Hani and Mbak Bina or...get online. I missed talking to you...a lot. I know we've both been busy, especially with your final exam week too. I could understand that. You told me not to worry about everything too much. We'd figure it out together. I hoped nothing would ever get in our plan, I kept praying that. I hoped ILP wouldn't give me too many classes to handle yet, because - long ago - I'd already promised to show you around Jakarta. I'd keep my word, no matter how. Also, I hoped my parents would let you stay at our place... --- // --- June 3, 2008 I showed up on Friday for the very firs time at ILP Ciputat at sometime around two in the afternoon. I was more than relieved to only have Monday and Wednesday classes (plus the alternate Fridays too!), for starters. Two classes only. Thank God! I could pick you up at the airport without having to skip work, as promised. I've also already known how to get there alone. I've asked Hani to come along with me, but she just teased me: "No, Ruby. That is your moment." Haha. I couldn't wait to really meet you, Sayang. I've told everyone I know here that you were seriously visiting me. "Do you know which flight he's coming in?" Mom asked me the night before Tuesday. I could tell that she was still slightly worried about how determined I was to get there alone. "Cathay Pacific, CX 777," I told her, memorizing the information you gave me earlier. "I'll pick him up at Terminal 2 at 1:05 pm." "Okay." I tried my hardest to concentrate on my teaching on Monday. Plus, I was having a flu and a sore throat. (I hated that!) I panicked on the way home and bought vitamin C tablets and a bottle of cough medicine. I didn't want to fall completely ill while you were around. That wouldn't be fun. I had to be able to hang out with you outside - not just at home. On Tuesday morning, I got up early. I couldn't sleep well anyway. I forced myself to stay awake after taking the medicines that made me feel drowsy. Since the DAMRI bus from Blok M to Soekarno-Hatta airport leaves at ten, I must hurry. "How do I look?" I asked Mom before I left. I was wearing a sleeveless, comic printed red T-shirt, a pair of black denim capri shorts, and red canvas sneakers. Ms.Casual. I even made sure that my short, thick, wavy dark hair was well-brushed. No scruffy tomboy attitude for a while. "Good." Mom nodded in approval. "Go tell your dad where you're going today." "Okay. Dad, I'm picking up my friend at the ariport today." Mom just looked at me and grinned. "No, she isn't picking up her friend at work but Nick." "Mom!" Oh, whatever. After saying bye to them, I got out and quickened my pace. Thankfully, I found a bus to Blok M. It was a pretty quick ride too. Then I took a DAMRI bus. It left at ten. I finished reading "Twin Eclipses" by. Clara Ng on the way there. And I was way too quick. I got there at eleven. What did I do until you arrived? I ate early lunch at KFC nearby. I prayed at twelve. Then, I spent my time just roaming around and avoiding some lecherous creeps who wanted to mess with me - only because I was alone and...a girl. Yuck. I couldn't hardly wait to see you, Nick-ku. (Aww!) Then, I waited by the gate at one for you. I guessed there must've been a slight delay, because it turned out that your plane arrived at 1:30, but that was okay. (I spotted the electronic schedule nearby, though.) When you first showed up at two in front of me, I felt that time had suddenly stopped around us for a moment. I couldn't tell why. I didn't even know what to do when we finally stood face-to-face for the very first time. Shake hands or a hug? And...oh, God - your smile looked so much sweeter in real life. Your smoky-blue eyes were even more enchanting. Thank you, God. Oh, thank you! "Hi," you greeted me in your warm voice. I remembered that you once told me your friend Kelly thought you had dimples when you smiled. Well, she was right. "Hi," I replied and smiled back timidly. Thankfully, no difficult effort was required to break the ice. We began talking like we normally did online and on the phone. What a relief! You just followed me as we bought our bus tickets back to Blok M. You hardly complained, even when we had to stand on the bus all the way to Blok M. Maybe it was because you've been a traveler before, so you're quite ready for unexpected situations. I don't know. Since I'm still living with my parents, I know that I must ask for their permission to let you stay with us for thirteen days. And I did. But, just in case they might've forgotten (especially since my sister's wedding is coming soon), I asked them again. I texted Mom about that. Her only reply was: "Ask your dad." I texted Dad on the bus. No reply. You looked at me and suddenly grinned. "You're worried that your parents might not let me stay over, are you?" "How do you know?" I gasped in embarrassment. "Am I that obvious?" "Yeah, that look on your face." You laughed. I laughed too and just shrugged. "If they can always let my sister bring her boyfriend home, then why can't I do the same with you?" --- // --- From their expressions, I could tell that my parents were shocked. I introduced you to them. You were very polite, although my parents just smiled vaguely and hardly said a word. I knew I had to take you into my room while they were still recovering. Hehe. From then to June 15, my room would be yours. I moved into my parents', especially since I'd wanted to give you some decent privacy you deserved. We didn't do much that day. I just accompanied you to my favourite cybercafe nearby. (You call it 'net-bar'.) You preferred walking there, because it was sundown already and the weather wasn't too hot for you anymore. I agreed. Then I spent about thirty minutes watching you reply e-mails from your friends and family. After that, we returned home walking. We had dinner at a ramen noodles' small dine-in close to home. You were really good with using the chopsticks. Then we went home again. Since you were tired, you went to bed early. I had to finish my lesson plan first. Goodnight, Nick-ku. Sleep well. The Author

13 DAYS IN SUNNY JUNE
Sometime ago - last year in April, perhaps - he left a message on one of my blog entries. Yes, I love writing a lot - especially in my blog - but I guess you can already tell that. It's totally obvious. I've been doing this since I was 21 and made friends from around the world. One of them was him, of course. Honestly, mid-20's still pretty confusing to me. I know that we all have problems here. Writing happens to be one of my escapes - although maybe only temporary. Personally, I think it's much better than yelling at other people. The weak side, I'm not good in saying what I really, really want to say. I'm quieter than The Almost Twins at home (my two siblings, but they're actually not the same age. My sister is the eldest and my brother youngest. Each of us is only 1.5 years apart.) But anyway, his message on my blog entry that day changed my life. It did, in a wonderful way... --- // --- I was struggling through a heartache, while he was recovering from a break-up. I'd been loving another cyberfriend for 3.5 years already, eventhough he'd been in a long-distant relationship with another girl. I've always called him Tiger. Even after their unhealthy relationship ended, Tiger and I have never been more than just best friends. That's all. But we still care a lot about each other, like soul siblings. And I think I like like it much better that way. Nick-ku was telling me all about his life. I did the same with my own boring world. He told me about his first marriage that only lasted three years. He also told me about his other girlfriend who broke up with him, when he'd thought that they could've been perfect together. Somehow, loneliness brought us emotionally closer. --- // --- From entry feedbacks to e-mails, chatting in YM and even on the phone, Nick-ku and I were strangers no more. I slowly found myself enchanted by his beautiful smoky-blue eyes, his red hair, and his warm, sweet smile. He has a soft, warm voice too. I love hearing his laughter. It's my favourite kind of music in my ear. They say falling for someone online is a foolish thing. I mean, how do we know that they're for real? Who can say? What do they really know? Have they all been in these shoes? Has it ended badly, in their part? How do I know? By hearing the same question from him - third time. "Would you like to have a foreigner as your boyfriend?" Would I? Sure. But, since I'm Muslim, religion can be a problem if the guy isn't. I know it sounds unfair to you, but what else can I do? That's just the rule. "I see." And Nick-ku sounded a little disappointed. I felt bad, knowing that he'd always been so nice to to me. "I can understand that religion is very important to you." "Yeah," I sighed sadly. God, why? "Don't you want to try?" Good question. Personally, I can't say that a commitment to a relationship is like a test. Or maybe I've just never really dated anyone or even had a real boyfriend yet. (In other words, I'm just a single 26-year-old.) I don't know. Maybe I still don't understand anything that much. My best friend Hani and Mbak Bina thought I was being unfair to him. Why wouldn't I give him a chance? Well, I'd love to. But, what would God have to say about that? I hate this. Sorry, but I seriously do. The second time Nick-ku asked that, I couldn't help but just start to cry...on the phone. Once again - why, God? Why should I have these feelings for him? He said he was sorry for upsetting me. I just said I was sorry, because I was so afraid of hurting him like that. I never want to. He's always been so nice and I truly care about him. The third time he asked...well, I'm sure you could already guess. I cried again, especially when he whispered, "Sayangku." (My dear). In the end, he just assured me not to worry way too much about that. We'd discuss that more when he visited me here in Jakarta. (Yes, that was the plan.) But he wanted me to accept him as he is - a non-Muslim. Honestly, I just wanted to hug him close until all of his sorrow disappeared forever. I still do. And of course, I've always accepted him as he is. God, will we ever be? Nick-ku was planning to spend thirteen days in June here, starting from the third. Most of my family and friends were a little skeptical about him. Would he really show up? I couldn't hardly wait. I was so excited! The Author

THINGS TO DO:
Actually, there are things I must really do today: 1.I must fix both lesson plans for my new two classes tomorrow afternoon. 2.I must start writing an article/essay/whatever for a prospective online writing competition.:P Why do I say 'prospective'? Since I know that I still don't make much in my new job yet, I need more side-projects. The prize is a huge amount of money and I need it. I hope I'll get it.;) 3.I must clean up my room! Why? The back-room is still being majorly renovated for 'the newlyweds' (a.k.a. my sister and her you-know-who *rolls eyes*), so a lot of other stuff have been 'temporarily' moved into my room.:( Believe it or not, I've been sleeping in a stockroom lately. I know some of the stuff are mine that also have been replaced from my old room too next door. (Confusing, huh?:P) I want Nick to feel comfortable enough when he gets here. Plus, I don't care what other people may say - even my own family. These days, I just need him around so bad. I can't even explain why. I hope I'll get to do all today, because I've just returned from a family lunch that took quite a while. Worse of all, I think my allergy is acting out, because I've started sneezing pretty much since this afternoon.:( No way, I can't get sick right now. Not when my first real job starts next week - and Nick's arriving next Tuesday to stay with me for thirteen days. I hope the vitamin C tablets I just bought today really help. They have to. The Author

THE LONG ENTRY
Alright, I haven't been able to update in a while, but now I'll try to tell you a complete story...:P Last Thursday was okay, especially since it was also the final day of the training month. I thought we kind of took it for granted.*big evil grin* Unlike Wednesday, things weren't as tense. The kids sang and giggled a lot in class, until Ms.Sandra had to come in and warn us not to be so noisy.:P But last Wednesday, most of them did that until I had to escape to another empty classroom to practice for my last presentation. I needed silence and solitude to concentrate.:| Plus, my head hurt. So did Toni's. But at least, our last group presentation went okay. Mr.Heru didn't say much during that. He just said something else in the end as he shook our hands: "Congratulations. Welcome to the big family!" :)... That Wednesday night, I went home to my Uncle Asoka's in Warung Buncit, Pasar Minggu, South Jakarta. Not much I really did, except reading a little newspaper and told my cousin Emir that I wanted to buy one of his books. (So now, I'm reading Clara Ng's "Gerhana Kembar" - The Twin Eclipses.) I'd wanted to stay up and write something, but then my bloodshot eyes forced me to sleep. The last training day felt pretty short and quick. I don't want to sound overly sentimental here, but - honestly - I felt kind of...sad.:( I know that I'll still get to see the other trainees - my friends - after this some other time, although maybe just not as often anymore. But I'm still going to miss them all. No kidding. It's been a very interesting month. I'm surely having a lot of things to write - though with so little time.*sighs* The trainers said my performances were mostly upside down - sometimes good, sometimes weak.:( Man, what do I do with my stupid mood? For now, I'll just take one step at a time. First things first. Most importantly, never bite more than you can chew. Trust me, you don't want to choke yourself to death here.*big evil grin* After that, it turned out that only five of us that could hang out at Plaza Semanggi. (Toni suggested a karaoke night.) Both Asti and Telly missed hanging out with their kids, so they just went straight home. Ocha was tired, so she did too. Desi and Liva needed to buy train tickets back home, since they're posted out of town. So it was just Novi, Intang, Johan, Toni, and me.:) The odd five.:P We had dinner at Solaria in Sky Dining. I ordered rice with fried fish fillet plus chap chay (sp?) and a bottled tea. Yummy!:D Unfortunately, the karaoke place was fully occupied.:( We then hung out at a video arcade. Poor Intang wasn't too thrilled, but she was still tolerant enough. Sweet girl. I sucked at Dance Revolution.*blushes* Give me Time Crisis or anything else but that, please.:P Toni and Novi were so good at it. Maybe it's because they're tall, slim, energetic, flexible, and more well-coordinated.:P Then we went to Gramedia bookstore nearby, and I had to control myself really hard not to end up buying everything in there.*giggles* After that, we decided to call it a night. Novi was driving Intang and Johan home, while Toni walked with me to the nearest Trans-Jakarta bus stop. Then he and I went our separate ways. Friday was my first day at work, and it was so so. All the staff there were very helpful and friendly. I'm not too crazy about Ciputat myself, since I've passed there during college years. A total slum. I got in a crappy public transportation with some old, smoking dirtbag who ended up (sexually!) harrassing me with his sleazy expression, the way he talked to me and moved his fingers at me.:x That son of a bitch! I swear to you, if I weren't in such a rush, I'd break all of his fingers and yellow teeth. Ugh, yuck! He disgusted me to death. Sick bastard! God, please forgive me for wanting him to die soon...:( I hate, hate, HATE GUYS LIKE THAT! AARGH!! *sighs*Thankfully, I only have two classes - both for Mondays, Wdnesdays, and Fridays for starters. That means no problem on the June 3: It's the day I must pick Nick up from the airport.;) The Author

BLA-BLA-BLA...:P
*deep sigh* Right, where do I start? Last Monday, I really fucked up my presentation.:( Which one - since there were two, like I've already mentioned on my previous entry? It was the second.*blushes* I sucked big time. I hated myself so damn much I was sure I could jump off the sixth floor... .......................... Well, I know that was such a silly thought.*rolls eyes* And since I'm still able to write this entry for all of you to read, you know I didn't really do anything stupid. Of course.:P Then we had to work on another teaching practice on for today in...Kelapa Gading, North Jakarta at 3:30 pm!:O Woohoo!! Imagine that.*sarcastic tone* And we had to arrive a lot earlier for that, because we lacked (proper and complete) preparation and had to meet the supervisor at eleven to discuss the lesson plan. Last Monday night, we hardly had enough time to prepare everything, because the whole thing was done at after 7:30 pm. Everybody was already too exhausted to even think and concentrate. Tempers were short. I know that I'm always my worst when I can't think clearly. Today? Despite the fact that I had to search an unfamiliar building in an unfamiliar area, all was pretty okay. I wasn't really the nice version of me all day long, so I talked less. Better that way, trust me. But at least, I didn't fuck up as bad as yesterday. I still had my flaws, but what the hell. I believe I did my best. The rest is up to them. Some of the trainees worry that they'll just suck and flunk at the end. Me? I don't know. I'll just leave the whole thing to The Fate-Maker. You know who I'm talking about.;) The Author

BIG HUFFS...
It wasn't such a quiet and peaceful Sunday like I usually get.:( Two deadly presentations on Monday, so I can't relax. I just had a really late group discussion at Novi's room and a quick once over with Liva. *huffs* Please, God. Don't let me screw up anything today. I won't. Just this one last week of the training, and then I'll start the real work in Ciputat.;) So far, I'm so grateful that I didn't have to miss a single day, because the make-up training is such a drag.:P No way, man! I hope I can take it. I hope I can take anything. I also still hope they won't give me too many classes to handle for starters at first. It's not that I don't want more responsibilities and I'm not ambitious enough. Honestly, I just want to start everything bit by bit. The Author

A MENTAL EXHAUSTION'S RESULT:
The nightmare's not over yet.:| The training is still on, and it's one more week to go. It turns out that I still have to do one last pairwork with the same person - and three more (large) groupwork. It's funny how constant (mental) exhaustion can slowly get you numb. I'm no longer emotionally open. It feels like I'm starting to develop another new personality within me. No, the old, real me still exists. She's just sitting on the backseat more often these days. She's okay, though, just hiding and taking a break from her usual, daily performance. She knows better to show up less. God, what the hell am I talking about right now?:( I think I'm beginning to lose my head. No, I can't let that happen. No way. I know I'm exhausted, but that's only it. I'm exhausted. It's only (normal) exhaustion. Nothing more than that. *deep sigh* Btw, God surely works in mysterious ways.:P Just after I silently complained about my partner in pairwork, it turned out that another trainee had it worse with hers. Soon, most girls secretly talked about the ill-behaviour of The Ex-Diplomat's Daughter. Actually, that girl is quite an okay person. It's probably from the way she was raised. Obviously, she comes from money (with her dad's old super job and the fact that the family had traveled to several different countries since she was a kid). So, she's so used to getting what she wants (sadly, this part sort of reminds me of my own sister here.:|) She's also too pushy, demanding sometimes. She's dominant and perfectionist, wanting everyone around her to follow her standard of excellence. But still, I can forgive The Ex-Diplomat's Daughter for that, because she's pretty generous sometimes. The first day we met for the briefing session before the training started, she drove me to Blok M after that in her own car - only so I wouldn't have to get myself squeezed inside a too-crowded bus. We'd just met and she'd already opened up a lot to me. (She talks a lot!) I mean, how many people are like that? But hey, I had to agree. I have to be objective too. She's too self-indulgent at times. She needs to listen and respect other people's different point of views more, although she may disagree. Well, I'm still quite optimistic about her.:) She'll grow up. There's still plenty of time. I guess I've been changing slowly myself.:) Al was right. I really hope it's for the better and continuous too. Well, I'm still luckier here.:) At least my partner still listens when she's in a good mood, although I silently disagree when she wants understanding from people around her whenever she gets awfully moody to talk to. Maybe that's why she thinks I'm such a cynic when I first told her I'm a realist. I've learned hard enough to know that there are times when the world just doesn't give a damn about how you feel - or if you're tired or moody. They just want your all-out effort and solid result. Or maybe I just don't get it.*shrugs* I guess that's why I still keep quiet. All I know is that you don't always get what you really want in this world, no matter how badly you've tried. But you always get experiences you might need. The Author

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME...
Is this the last peer teaching (groupwork) for this training?:( I hope so. But the thing is, I'm not going to tell you the details of my sucky presentation this very morning.*blushes* Let's just say that I started out the day in the wrong side. Sad but true. Should I blame her for this?:| Maybe not really. True, she's awfully moody and a little self-centered at times. She's also stubborn and hardly listens. It's her idea that must be accepted. Just do all she says and all will go well.*rolls eyes* It was just like what happened today. Yesterday, she didn't want to discuss anything further and just wanted to go home. Fine. I thought, okay, we'll discuss that again together - first thing in the early morning. But then, it turned out that she'd already prepared her idea and the whole concept without consulting with me first. All I had to do was follow suit. No, it's not that I think her idea for the presentation was a total crap. Her ideas are great. She's really smart. But the problem is, she just won't let me take part more often too. The result today was obviously disastrous at my end, of course. Because it's her idea, she's had more practice time at home, while I only had...twenty minutes before class. I had my first shot presenting the whole idea in a lousy way, while she - of course - did it ten times better. Imagine that. How unfair. But then again, I won't bluntly put all the blame on her. It's just no use anymore. I'm only responsible for myself. Well, at least today wasn't that bad. We could go home early and there'll be no assignments nor presentations tomorrow. I also just received the result of my preliminary FCE test score today: It's 61%. I know, it's still only a plain C, but they still wrote it: "passed".:) Not bad for a start (and also for someone having trouble in catching up with British accent, just because she's more used to with American.:P) Luckily, they said I could always update my FCE score - at least once in every two month or so. Anytime. Thank God. That's quite a relief.:) Next time? Of course. The Author

EMOTIONALLY...FLAT...:|
I'm writing another entry again tonight, so that can only mean one thing: I've missed James Blunt's concert tonight.:'-( The tickets are too expensive. I didn't win any contests for free. I can't afford it. (Besides, it's too late for anything like that, anyway.) I'm also feeling too tired to do anything or even go anywhere else.:( We have another (heavy) assignment due tomorrow. No time for mundane stuff. For tonight and maybe a week after, I don't want to hear any songs by James Blunt.:( Call me emotional or bitter or whatever, I don't care. I'm just a disappointed fan here. Next time? I really hope so. Maybe I'll get to watch him perform live somewhere with Prince Charming next to me (whoever the hell he might possibly be - sometime in the not-too-distant future.:P) Holding hands, arm in arm, or maybe slow-dancing to "You're Beautiful". How bloody romantic that would be. .......................... Ha-ha.*big evil grin* Surprise, surprise. Even a tomboy like me can dream about such cliches too. But hey, I believe all decent, normal girls can dream anything like that. It's not against the law, right? *giggles* Alright, enough of that. Back to reality. *deep sigh* I'm tired of this groupwork.:( No, it's not that I think working alone is much better. It's just...*sighs*. I don't know. My partner is often moody, although she's actually very smart and perceptive. (In other words, she's the one with more concept creativity - while I mostly rely on my pronunciation and grammar skills.:P) Like right now, she just wanted to go home soon because she was too tired to think. (Well, everybody's tired.) Now I'm confused. Now I'm clueless. This doesn't feel like a groupwork to me - at all. I'm all alone right now. I know, I'm supposed to be more proactive with her. But honestly, I'm too tired for that too. I think I'll just keep quiet and stay numb until this whole craziness ends. As simple as that... The Author

THE (SO-CALLED) NATIONAL AWAKENING
I've just found out that my article was rejected by a journalism site.:| I'm still thinking about what to actually write for my next. Who knows?*shrugs* Maybe I'll get lucky this time. (Or you can say that the last two typed sentences are my favourite words - like a joint quote.:P) Last Saturday, I finally got a rare chance to chat with my pal Al - after what seemed like a very long time.:) Al and his future wife weren't feeling well. That's the thing with completely unpredictable weather these days. You can get sick easily if you don't take care of yourself very well.:| Al and Mads - if you guys are reading this, I hope you're feeling better now. (And this also goes out to my good friend Carl in Solomon Island. You know who you are, buddy.;D) Anyway, surprisingly - Al said that I'd seemed calmer and more relaxed than I used to be sometime ago. (Really?:O) I know that I've consciously told him that I won't give a shit about unfairly special treatments for my sister and her snobbish future hubby D.G. at home.:P No, because now I have more important things to worry about. My future job, my writing career, this country's bleaker future...:| "Is it because of your new job and...him?"*big evil grin* *smiles shyly and blushes* I don't know.:) Maybe.*shrugs* All I recognize coming from myself these days is just a strange mixture of emotions. Excitement and anxiety at the same time. Everything still feels relatively new to me. I hope everything goes well - according to plan. God help me, please... June 3 is getting closer than ever.:D I can't wait for Nick to come. Right, how was my Sunday activity with Hani?:) It was a bit unusual, but at least we still managed to have fun. Actually, I've wanted to write something interesting. Since Hani told me that she and other independent human rights' activists were having a rally against government's suicidal policy with raising the oil price for the people at National Monument - I decided to join them on early Sunday morning. But I started the day a little awful.:( First of all, I woke up late. (Hani said it would start at six, and I was still at home at 6:15!*blushes*) Luckily, Hani texted me, saying that it might start a little late. Then Mom almost didn't let me go. She was afraid that things would've gotten rowdy and chaotic there. Of course, she finally let me go after I'd promised her I'd watch out and be very careful. By the time I arrived, it was already almost eight! It turned out that I could write a lot about what happened on a day. First of all, the place was already completely packed with visitors. (Hundreds, thousands...no, maybe millions!:O) The Sampoerna Foundation was also holding a large event to celebrate "The 100th National Awakening in Indonesia" on May 20th. There were lots of large tents, a stage for musical performances, food and beverage stands, etc. There was a band playing and people were chattering, both equally loud. I heard them yell: "Education for a better nation! Help our children to reach for a better future!" Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* I don't mean to sound bitter, sarcastic, and apathetic here - but I've learned the real truth about my own country hard enough. How many children - especially THE GIRLS - out there who still can't go to school because it's too damn expensive?:( How many people out there who still can't afford (proper) meals three times a day? How about the growing numbers of the jobless and the suicidal these days? And just what the fuck's the government been doing for real lately?*scoffs* True, they're just making things worse with more corruption and stupid, stupid, STUPID bylaws! Grrh!!:x (And I don't care if they'll arrest me for publicly posting this.:| Please, don't get me wrong here. I still love my country, but I'm so sick of having to live in fear and uncertainty like this!) Anyway, here's a clear irony: The Sampoerna Foundation held that event to promote a better education for better generations in the future, but look what happened around Monas area. Trash, trash, TRASH!!!:x People kept littering and littering until I'd bet that it would take more than a week to clean it.:O Imagine that. The (so-called) more educated people were doing that. How ironic. They weren't even taking the warning sign ("...fined Rp 5,000,000 for littering...") seriously. If someone nicely reminded them, they'd just either ignore or say something like: "Do-gooders are ruining our fun!" or "We have the trash-collectors do the job for us. We pay taxes for that too, remember?" Yeah, right.*scoffs* Whatever.*rolls eyes* If only they were sensitive enough to notice the stressful look on the trash-collectors' faces - even before they started their pitiful job. If only they knew that those people got paid less to pick up trash littered by those with higher salary. If only they cared enough... National Awakening my ass!:x People are still the same. They don't give a shit about each other. Moral education is only a memorized, written theory - barely practised. They all think it's okay, because (it seems that) everybody else is doing it. (So why can't they?) It's the mob versus the "sane minority". Unfortunately, they see the "sane minority" as "weird", "crazy", or even "total freaks". The jerks always gang up for comfort in their insecurity, justification for all their actions, and (so-called) confidence. Figures.*rolls eyes* Well, shame on all of you, people. I bet you go home and tell your children to behave well and study, only because you're the (so-called) grown-ups and that you can. What else can I say here? Even hypocrites can still give crystal-clear examples as lessons. Ha-ha. Anyway, I finally met Hani and the others by the southeast gate. She admitted that it wasn't really effective, but at least it was still a struggle. I wasn't paying much attention to what they were all yelling on stage in turns, but the press release they gave me was clear enough. 30% female candidates in the political parties for the government is a must to fight for women's rights for a decent life. Not much we did after that. Mbak Bina had to leave early, so Hani and I went with Hani's friend Barir to have lunch at KFC in Sarinah. Barir left after that. Hani and I visited The National Museum nearby and Istiqlal Mosque. Hani's sister Ragil joined us after that. The three of us had chocolate sundae at McD in Sarinah - again. After that, I went home - and am still confused about what else to write besides all of this. The Author

A CRAZY WEEK...:P
This has been a long, busy week.:| There were so many assignments and presentations we had to do and perform. Insomnia's become our unpleasant companion at night, and maybe we should start getting along with caffeine again. Welcome back to your old college years. Well, I guess that's what I've sort of told myself.:P Yesterday, two out of ten trainees in class have fallen ill. Johan, the youngest (19 years old!) even had to go home early. That poor kid. He's also always been the quietest in even a normal condition, so you can imagine how he is when he's ill.*big evil grin* He looked so pale. Intang told me he was burning with fever. The other one is our funny Intang. Some people say she and I look a bit alike from a quick glance (short, plump, with chubby cheeks and short, wavy dark hair.) But Intang is actually shorter and wears braces. She also talks a lot more and has a great sense of humour.:) We all like her a lot. Intang is also a very caring person and used to showing that well. I guess that's what happens when you've spent lots of time working as a volunteering caretaker for child patients in hospital while also taking care of your dying mother (from cancer) at home before she passed away last month. Anyway, she was sweet enough to go downstairs (we were on the sixth floor) and then return with a mug of hot tea for Johan.:) Aww! It was later when she and I shared a cab home (before I was dropped at Tendean to find a bus home) that I found out that she was ill too. Imagine that.:O She hates the flu as much as I do. By the time I reached Panglima Polim (I guess it was sometime around 8:30 pm or so), I didn't want to do anything else but sleep.:( I was so exhausted I feared I might've come down with something else too. (Thankfully, I'm okay today.) My parents came and Mom woke me up for pizza. I wasn't too hungry but I ate two slices anyway. We went home after that. I missed my bedroom...:P Today, I'm still tired.:| I don't feel like going anywhere. But maybe, I'll just join Hani tomorrow. I miss her too.:) The Author

DRAINED...:(
Right.:|*deep sigh* I haven't been able to update this as much as I usually do. Like I used to. Maybe I must start getting used to this new routine. More (hard) work, less slacking around.:P Honestly, I miss doing my own creative writing.:( I mean, writing teaching concepts in class is a bit similar - but it still feels different. You have to be extra careful not to leave a single gap behind, or else you're as good as dead in front of your students.*blinks* Anyway, not much to report today. I'm tired and that's for sure. Last Monday night, I was so tired I ended up taking the wrong bus home - just because I thought I'd read the number right.:x When I realised my mistake, I quickly got off and spent half an hour walking to Mampang Prapatan until I got the right, alternative one.*sighs* Yesterday, I simply sucked at my class presentation.:(*blushes* Thankfully, they said I did better today. Maybe I should try producing a real freelance writing again this weekend - just to boost my flaking spirit... The Author

(TEMPORARY) DOUBTS (?)
Yesterday, they've just returned the contract that I've already signed.:P A good reminder. Starting now, I can't go anywhere else easily for the next two years. I've already given my college diploma away as a collateral. In case I want to quit sometime in the middle, it takes Rp 3,000,000 to bail my diploma out of their data stockroom. Well, if that ever happens (do I really want that to happen or do I really want this job?), they'll only give me three months to collect the three millions. *gulps* Most of my family and friends over here have told me the same thing: that they're proud of me and they think I can do it and should give it a shot. If you think that the contract is scary (and that I should've thought it over), then I must tell you that I have no choice. They just didn't give me enough time to think it over, but I guess that's just plain normal.*shrugs* That's just the rule, okay? Take it or leave it. Nothing's easy in real (adult) life. I must be able to maintain my mood swings from now on. After all, the real world doesn't always care that you're actually falling apart on the inside. There are too many (bigger) problems out there. I'm silently wondering as I write this: Is this normal? Is this just my temporary doubt creeping in? Will I be able to do everything right? Will I still have my enough spare time out of this? I mean, sometimes the title 'part-time job' can mislead you. They've already said that the MINIMUM is ten hours per week. That means, it can be MORE, right? *deep sigh* Oh, my God. Why am I feeling this way? I hope this is just plain tiredness. All my classmates - the other trainees - wondered just why I was so quiet yesterday. I was just feeling...sort of numb. I don't know why. Please, don't get me wrong. I like hanging out with them. But sometimes, the extroverts just can't understand why I'm not open enough and I need some time alone too. I mean, I can't always go all smiley and cheerful with a loud, exciting voice all the time. Sometimes I just need to...keep quiet and observe. That doesn't mean I don't want people to find out more about me. I still need my own solitude and sanity - that certain stillness inside of me. That's why I rushed home quickly after the preliminary FCE test - alone. (I also wonder: why are most Indonesians always so nosy when it comes to working on such tests? I mean, I know it was difficult, but did they had to vocalize it? It was hard to concentrate while they were groaning and moaning like that!) Today, I just want to relax. The Author

WORRY...:(
Although I'm tired, I still want to write this. Like I've already said before, I'll try to update this as much and often as possible. I can't believe that they're switching the preliminary FCE test sooner.:( (FCE = First Certificate in English). It's tomorrow at three pm - a perfect end to a perfect day.*deep sigh* Oh, well. Whatever.*rolls eyes* I have no other choice but to just deal with it.*shrugs* It'll definitely be in strict British (not American!:P), so I must rely on my minimum skills...and luck. Well, I'm still counting down the days here. Not just for the end of this dreadful training, but also for Nick's visit.;) I'm still praying really hard that nothing will completely ruin our plan together, eventhough if that means I must give up a few little sleeping hours.:| I can't sacrifice my new job ahead (and I also won't, because that'll be too crazy and is really out of the question!), but I also need some spare time - just for him. I've promised him since like months ago, long before I got accepted. I hate having to break promises as much as contracts. Do you think it's way too much to ask and I can't have it all? Hani just texted me, saying she believed that I could handle everything. I want to, so please help me God... I know, I'm worrying too much again.:( The Author

A FEW THINGS AHEAD...
Actually, I've been meaning to write more in here. However, I've been hecticly busy with my new job training activities for teaching English this whole month. Plus, traffic in Jakarta often makes it worse - especially with the unpredictable weather these days.:( Well, what can I say? That's just part of this big city blues. There have been many changes that take pretty much a lot in me to really grasp - bit by bit. They all say it's normal for most people, because it just takes a lot of getting used to. That's just a common reaction. But they all also believe that - sooner or later - I will get the hang of it. After all, I'm a survivor.;) I have to and will survive. Who are "they" I'm referring too, in case you're wondering? Family members and friends. Don't supportive people make you feel blessed?:D Right. If you're also wondering just what kind of changes I've been talking about, here they are: Honestly, sometimes I kind of miss my old, carefree days.:P As a freelance writer, I only needed to worry about my writings and rare income. There was no tight, specific schedule. But, if you ask me whether I'd like to go back there, my answer would be no. I have to keep moving forward, or I'll never grow. After all, in my writer's eyes, I see every job as an experience.:) A topic or a setting for a story. But that was also why I felt rather exhausted after the very first week of the job training.:| Why? My best friend Hani said that it was my normal reaction. My body just started adjusting to my new habits. She said that soon I'd get used to it. Well, that's me.*shrugs* I'm a major-worrier, I must admit.:P Everybody says so. Maybe it also has something to do with me being a crazy perfectionist sometimes. I must settle that matter soon. Yesterday, one of the trainers Mr.Aji told me that I was going to be stationed in Ciputat, South Jakarta next month - somewhere near National Islamic University of Syarif Hidayatullah. No problem. At least that's not so far from my parents' house in Tanah Kusir. The traffic isn't so bad either. I know how to reach there from Blok M too. Just in case, I've already asked Mr.Aji for my absent permission on the third of June. Why?:D I've promised Nick that I'd pick him up at the airport. Yes, he's coming to visit me here for thirteen days. I'm so excited! We've been planning this since like, months ago - and I just want to be the woman of my word. A promise is still a promise. Well, Mr.Aji said okay. Let's just hope that all things go well according to plan, okay? Where will Nick stay? Well, since I'm still living with my parents and polite enough to ask, I've bugged them - especially Mom - about this since months ago. I think it's only fair for them to let him stay with us - even in separate rooms from me.:P Why? For the past one and a half years, Mom's practically let my sister invite her boyfriend-now-fiance D.G.(Dreadful Gatot) to sleep over in the same room with her - very often. Well, although I'm more of an old-fashioned kind, I think this time I need the same priviledge.*big evil grin* The Author

CHANGES...
Changes happen everytime. Some are good or for the better, while others may be bad or for the worse. Sometimes we're ready to accept, but other times - it just takes a lot in us to anticipate and adjust. Well, that's just life. It's normal, because each of us has a different level of adaptation. How do we usually deal with changes? Do we just simply accept everything as it is without questions? Do we feel burdened and wish to avoid even the unavoidable changes? Unconsciously, we often take so many things for granted. We let the stagnation give us comfort. We tend to think that everything will last forever. We even want to believe that and keep it for as long as possible. True, some good, comforting things are hard to let go. But we also don't really know what we've had until it's already long gone. Changes relate to a lot of things around us. They all come in different shapes, sizes, and even speed. Sometimes they're already there, but it takes some time for us to finally realize and accept their presence. Sometimes we can't hardly wait for them to come. Sometimes, we don't even want them at all. We may have already experienced a lot of changes in our lives, but do we ever really take a little time to just be still - and look around with more than just our eyes to see? Do we like what we see? If not, how do we face it wisely? Changes are often unavoidable. But still, I think it's okay for us to want to have some things stay the same. Some precious things are worth the extra effort. But if we can't keep them in our hands for as long as possible, then it's just as good to cherish them while they're still there. They can be our favourite things, people we love, or even just...time. Remember, comfort zone doesn't always last that long. Take your time and make the most of it. Sometimes, it's okay to stop looking forward and worrying about what may come ahead. It's also useless to keep regretting what's already done behind our backs. But it's not wrong to always remember. After all, life is just our eternal lesson. Sometimes, it's necessary to just shut our eyes from other things happening in this chaotic world for a while. Let the drastic changes come abruptly, threatening to crush our concrete-selves within like tsunami waves, while we're focusing on what's still present. It's time to live in the now. It's called taking a short break from reality. The Author

THE LAST ENTRY FOR IRRATIONAL ME (FOR NOW) :P
This will be the last entry for now. Why? The reason is always the same and also very simple. I need a break from this. Yes, people. I really do. I need to write something else beside this. I must admit that sometimes --- venting out way too often and too much too can drain my creativity/creative energy --- or whatever that means. Well, how long will I be away from updating entries here? It all depends on my mood, as usual. Usually, this will take about a month, but could be less. But don't you worry, people, for I'll always be back again.;) Soonest, I hope. In the meantime, I may show up once in a while to check out other entries.:) This has been more like a support group and a therapy for me. Speaking of my mood, yesterday was strangely horrible for me.:( I'm well aware that it's just my 'time of the month' again, and I'm usually calm enough while dealing with my 'mood swings'. I mean, I'm supposed to do it well, but not yesterday, though. I was just sooo emotionally unstable, and I HATED IT!:x *deep sigh* It just took a whole lot in me to just appear calm on the outside, while I was silently crumbling to pieces. No kidding. Men can mock us women about that all they like, because they just have no idea. Thank God this never has to happen to them!:P I've been quiet all yesterday. Too quiet, until Menti asked me in the morning what was going on with me. I shrugged it off, saying that it was just my stomach-ache. I'd rather keep quiet than snapping without a reason at all. Believe me, it's all for everyone's sakes!*big evil grin* But worst of all, whenever I was all alone, I just couldn't stop crying. Why? If only I could put my finger on.:( It just happened. How crazy was that? Since I also couldn't sleep well last night, I ended up texting Nick's cellphone: "I'm still awake. I can't sleep. What are you doing there right now?" Surprisingly (or maybe I shouldn't really be surprised at all, knowing what a real sweetheart he really is ;) ), he suddenly called. Just like that.:) I didn't ask him to (actually, I hardly do, although I really don't mind at all.) It was the most comforting eleven minutes I've ever felt in the wee hours.:D Just from hearing his sweet, soft voice on the phone --- and all of my invisible demons just vanished in the shadows. Me, the tomboy who always wants to appear tough (but I guess I'm not always that tough.) I was finally able to sleep at two am. And I had to wake up at six to deliver catering orders today.:| Despite still having the fog in my eyes (or perhaps it's from the heavily polluted air in Jakarta called 'smog' *rolls eyes*), I'm feeling much better today.:) My sanity has returned home. Well, be sure to wait for my next adventures in life. Hopefully, my new job in the future won't eat up all of my precious time, because I still want to maintain my social life, have fun, and...write. Yes, I still remember my true purpose in getting a real, stable job for a while: to (financially) support my writing career more. After all, writing is my true passion.:D Nick's also coming to Jakarta this June.:) I can't hardly wait! The Author

CRAZY TRAFFIC: A CURSE OR A BLESSING IN DISGUISE?
As a big city girl, I'm so used to crazy traffic. Please, don't get me wrong. That doesn't really mean that I will ever begin to like it, especially when it seems to get crazier today. Luckily, I'm not driving. I don't even own a driving's liscence yet, but that's just another story (with another reason too). Someday I will get to drive my own car, but not here --- and definitely not right now. Mondays might be the worst with the traffic, but --- the truth is --- everyday is often almost just the same. Even passengers on the public transportations aren't exactly stress-free from the traffic. There are times standing on the crawling bus when all I ever want to do is just sit home with a book, a stereo on, and a glass of something really cold. For example, when I got out to work at six-seven am --- it would only take at least an hour. But now, I'm considered lucky enough to have shown up after an hour and a half --- or even two! These days, you need to get up at five to beat the traffic, but it turns out that most people think the same way. Imagine that. Crazy traffic has caused more negative effects. (No wonder and no surprise.) It steals people's decent sleeping hours, because they have to wake up super early in order not to be late for work and lose their job. But unfortunately, they also have to sleep very late because they're losing valuable time on the road and have no choice but to bring the workload home. The same thing happens to school students, which causes more stress and lack of concentration during classes. It clearly disturbs people's productivity in school and at work. Unfortunately, many people just make it worse. If you ever use the sidewalks for pedestrians in Jakarta, beware of...motorcycles passing by there! No, I am so not joking here. Most of the motorcyclists do that because they want to beat the traffic, despite the fact that it's totally against the rule. Worst of all, the traffic police officers hardly do a thing about it. In fact, a local TV news has covered the issue on the spot and asked every motorcyclist caught on tape. Most of them refused to be interviewed or even show their faces behind their helmets, so they just rode off. But some were not too ashamed to open up and admit: "Want to know why we're doing this everyday? It's because of the traffic!" The government of Jakarta has provided several busway lanes for their Trans-Jakarta buses to reduce the heavy traffic. They've even constantly encouraged the citizens to use public transportations more than private vehicles. The government has also regulated the "three-in-one" hours on the main roads. It is to require at least three people inside one (private) vehicle, from morning (seven to ten am) to after office hours (4:30 to seven pm). However, the government also allows people to sell and buy more private vehicles like motorcycles and cars, while the road capacity remains the same. What an irony. Despite all of the stated facts above, there's a not-so-surprising saying in Jakarta: "Crazy traffic gives a safe excuse for lazy people to be late or even avoid attendances." For example, you can wake up late, slack around at home, and then tell your boss you're still on your way there. (But please, be sure to know that your boss is not the kind to catch up with local traffic reports on the news if you really want to do this.) I remember my friend Patrick's old radio show in a local station. One night, a male caller told him that his girlfriend was an understanding person whenever he showed up late for their dates. The same old safe excuse he used was: "Traffic." "Really?" Patrick had sounded really surprised. "My girlfriend would be very angry if I did that." So, is crazy traffic a constant curse, or a blessing in disguise? Whatever it is to each of us, it has become part of the big city life we can't avoid easily --- or even faced lightly. The Author

THE SUNBURN AND A FRENCH MOVIE
Well, last Sunday, I finally decided to hang out with the girls in Monas (Monumen Nasional - The National Monument), Central Jakarta again. This time, I was only with the crazy sisters Hani and Ragil.:P Surprisingly, we spotted a mobile library (a van full of books from a local library) stopping by inside the Monas area. So, we sat down to read for a while before the van took off at one pm. Their cousin Dedi came by to join us. He was such a quiet guy, but maybe that was to be expected --- especially with three noisy girls.*big evil grin* We all had lunch in KFC in Sarinah Building again like last week. I checked my ATM account and there...my money from my published short story. Thank you, SPICE!:D After that, Hani and I watched a French movie "Love Is In The Air" in Blitz, while Ragil and Dedi took off earlier. I'm glad I decided to stick around to watch it, because the movie was dead funny!:D*giggles* It was a smart comedy I wish I could write myself.:P It's a story about a man named Yann Kerbec who's been playing safe most of his youth, only to find that --- in this fragile, yet unpredictable life --- sometimes you must risk everything in order to have it all. At seven pm, Hani and I parted and took our different buses. I returned to Buncit. Emir greeted me at his place with a remark: "Thank God I've finally had some company here. I've been all alone since five and it's just scary!" "Aww, I'm sorry."*big evil grin* I remembered that my brother was away to pick up our sister and D.G. at the airport from Surabaya, and Mom was with him too. (No surprise.:P) I must admit, I used to believe that guys feared almost nothing like they often bragged --- but hey, they're only humans too. Hehe.*big evil grin* Besides, I also looked at my cute cousin and thought to myself: "Come on, he's still a kid." "That's okay," Emir replied casually. Then he called to order delivery for our dinner while I headed to the bathroom for a shower. Man, the weather was so freaking hot outside!:| Worst of all, I had pretty serious burn on my face. (Surprise, surprise --- even something like this could also happen to an Asian girl with a perfect tan.*rolls eyes*) The complexion on my face and neck was so much darker then on my entire body. My nose was red. I touched it and...ouch, it hurt.:( Stinging like a real bitch. And it still feels tad sore today, although not as much. Mom told me not to touch it for a while and use "Pinocare" to heal the burn. he even reminded me to put on an SPF 30 and wear a hat next time outdoor. Many thanks to global warming.*scoffs* How was my interview today? Okay, I guess. It's not that I don't care if I'm going to get the job or not. It's just...I don't want to worry too much about it. Remember, I'm not a lazy brat who quits easily.;) By tomorrow, I'm going to say goodbye to this fun sanctuary at Emir's place and go back home. Time to re-enter reality as it is. The Author

IN A SANCTUARY :P
I'm still staying at my cousin Emir's place in Warung Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta, with my brother now.:) Believe it or not, this place has become sort of an earthly paradise or a sanctuary for me. No parental guidance (don't get me wrong, Uncle Asoka and Aunt Ria are cool people!:P). Good food (and I must watch out for my weight!*big evil grin*) Indovision cable TV. So much to read (from newspapers to books). Air-conditioned rooms (especially with the freakingly hot weather outside these days!:|) And most especially --- the internet connection.;) I just chatted with Nick this morning. I haven't done that in a very long time. I've missed him. But not for long.:) All I have to do is wait for June 3rd --- the day he'll come to visit me here in Jakarta. Then I hope we'll get to have real fun together for the the next two weeks! I'm going to meet Hani and the girls again tomorrow like we did last week. I know that we've had real fun together, but I'm not sure I can stay long with them this time. Hani wants us to go see a French movie (with an English subtitle, thankfully!:P) at 4:30 pm in Blitz after hanging out in Monas, but I might possibly need a serious break before my ten am interview on Monday after that. The traffic here can be a total bitch sometimes, so unpredictable. But I still need a long walk with them, especially after I've been eating like a complete hog today.*big evil grin* Well, I think I'm just going to have fun with my own little world now before it ends and I'm back to reality. I'm planning to go home this evening to choose my proper outfit for Monday. The Princess Brat and D.G. have been in Surabaya since Friday and are probably going back today. Like Nick's agreed: a room to breathe for me...:P But hey, I'm not too worried about that anymore. There's another bigger issue. A few days ago, triggered by a dumb documentary called "Fitna" by.that asshole Dutch journalist Geert Wilders, my country's government's reacted hysterically by suddenly banning YouTube and several other sites.:( Thankfully, public protests have somehow made them cancel it. However, I'm still silently worried. Regardless the issue, I've already known what kind of people who work in the government. They'll use any excuse to justify all the shits they want to do. That's why, I have no more respect for any of them there. I still love my country here, but I refuse to pay ridiculously expensive taxes just so they can corrupt more and dupe the citizens with their senseless policies. Hell, no!:x Next time that happens again, I'd rather be out of here. I've collected two cut-outs about scholarships abroad. Do I want to try them? Who knows??*shrugs* The Author

THE LONGEST DAYS
*deep sigh* It's been the longest couple of days. I'll try to write the whole things down here. Two nights ago, Monica from SPICE! finally called me. She said the financial staff couldn't transfer my money (for my published short story in their last month's issue), because my account was inactive. I sort of panicked and couldn't sleep well that night.:O Yesterday was another catering order and...Mom's birthday!:D Menti, my brother, and I had gone to buy a chocolate cake for her from a shop at Jl.Jambu in Menteng, and then we headed to "Daeng Tata" (a Makassarian restaurant) for lunch. I should've ordered the same grilled ribs like they did, because my noodles tasted rather...yucky.:| Maybe next time, when Nick visits Jakarta on June as he promised.;) After that, I rushed to the bank. Thank God it didn't take long to have my old account re-activated. Then I texted Monica's cellphone number, suggesting her to try transferring again. Seconds later, she suddenly called: "Err...I thought you'd come to my office to get your money here." .......................... ??? *giggles* Finally, I just told her: "Umm, you didn't notify me about that." "Oh, okay." Oh, well.:P Since last night, I've stayed over at Emir's in Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta with my brother. His parents have specifically asked my brother to watch Emir while they're still in Saudi Arabia to perform their umroh rituals this week. Me? I just needed to get closer to ILP (International Language Program) in Pasar Minggu, Pancoran. I mean, I've just been there today, working on their English test at ten this morning. Guess what?:) They want me to come again for an interview at ten on Monday --- at the same place.:D The Author

THE RARE INNOCENCE
Last Sunday evening at McDonald's in Sarinah Building, Thamrin, Central Jakarta, I witnessed something really amazing most of us would usually take no notice or even miss. (What a shame.) I'm glad I've seen such rarirt these days. In the playground area, I saw these four random kids play together. Obviously, they didn't know each other but seemed to get along very well. There was a Turkish little boy (I sort of guessed that because I've seen his parents sitting nearby, watching him as they talked in foreign language I couldn't understand), probably about six or seven from his posture. He was a handsome and friendly brunet. He smiled a lot. He seemed to be enjoying himself there, playing with the three little girls. There was a cute Indian girl, a sweet-looking Chinese girl, and a tiny Indonesian infant. The boy obviously enjoyed their attention on him too, because he then decided to take their tiny hands in his in turns as they climbed the plastic steps together. The Chinese girl happened to be the shy one, because at first --- she only looked at him until he extended his pale hand with a smile. What a little gentleman. When it was finally time for the young Turkish prince to go home, the Chinese princess only watched him in silence as the boy's parents took him away. From there, I could tell that there was a feeling of loss. Aww. It's just rare kind of innocence I got to notice once in a while these days. Seeing the children play together that night has somehow made me feel reminded of what I've silently been missing so much, especially with the complexities of adulthood. I mean, how often do we really look at each other and just get along without certain prejudice of skin colour, race, religion, or even gender? I hope we all can look at these pure souls and learn from their childlike tranquility and strength to face life as it is. I hope we all get to realize what we've already lost and forgotten. May we be able to re-learn and embrace what we often take for granted. The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY FOR FOUR GIRLS :)
Well, nothing happened yesterday but pure fun. In the morning, I got to chat with Nick.:) And Tiger too, after a very, very long time. I guess God's answered my prayer again. This time, it's a quick one.*giggles* Then I went to Monas (Monumen Nasional - The National Monument) to meet Hani and crew. Hani was already there with her sister Ragil and friend Barir from KPI (Koalisi Perempuan Indonesia - Indonesian Women's Coalition). The four of us girls really had a great time together.:D A long walk around the huge area in Monas, lunch at KFC in Sarinah Building (although Hani always prefers McDonald's better.:P) We even prayed at Masjid Istiqlal --- a peaceful sanctuary right in the heart of this awfully busy city.:) No kidding. After that, Barir had to leave early, so the two (crazy) sisters and I headed back to Monas and sat on an unoccupied park bench by the pond. What did we do most of the time there?:P More talks and laughter. We even joked about some couples around who were obviously performing P.D.A.(Public Displays of Affection). Yuck! But still, we were tolerant enough not to be so nosy.*big evil grin* Besides, who the hell are we anyway? It's a public space. We're no hypocrites to judge other people's morality. Anyway, as the sky darkened, rain started to pour. Ragil left early, while Hani and I headed back to Sarinah for dinner at...McDonald's (figures.:P) When the rain finally stopped at around after eight, she and I went our separate ways. The fun was over. But at least, she might be right about one thing. That damn stalker was only bluffing about coming over to my house. How do I know? I haven't heard from him (and hopefully never will again.) Not any of my family member mentioned a thing or two about a stranger looking for me at home. I hope he wasn't there to spy on my family too.:(*shudders* You know how stalkers really are... I hope it'll never get worse. Because if it does, then I'll have no choice but to involve the local authority and everybody around me...:x The Author

A HEATED SATURDAY AND...ANOTHER STALKER???:|
Alright, after shooting off all my negative vibes in previous entry, I'm feeling much better now. I needed that. Maybe, half of the entire entry I was typing was chiefly influenced by my stupid PMS or anything else like that. (The funny thing is, I've promised myself that I'll never easily blame my PMS for my emotional imbalance.*blushes*) Anyway, I wasn't really thinking straight.:P Now? I don't know. I'm not so sure.*big evil grin* Why don't you tell me as you read this entry? I haven't talked to Tiger yet in what seems like almost forever.:( I miss him. I miss his wisdom, laughter, silly jokes, and even his singing voice. Don't get me wrong. He's still my best friedn and will always be --- I'm sure of that.:) Besides, we've been through a lot. I care about him. It's normal to miss your best friend like this, don't you think? The last time I checked his blog entries, he's got stories to tell to.:) I'm glad that he's finally made some sort of peace with his breakup with her (well, I hope it's for real and for good.) I can understand his loneliness, though. There are times when a crowd of people you know just can't help. It's just not enough. Still, I seriously pray that his ex will never ever mess him around again like she did too many times before.:| Enough is enough. No more. From his last message to me, Tiger said he wanted us to chat online again --- just like good old times.:) I really want that. It's been a long time. I also got to know one of his college friends there in UK --- a guy named Paul.;) You see, Tiger gave him his old blog account and Paul found my old messages there. Curious, he traced them and sent me a message, saying that Tiger had told him about me. And Tiger's just had a new job interview too.:) Lucky him. I hope he'll get it. I miss talking to Nick too.:) I can't wait for June to come. Want to know why? He's coming to visit Jakarta.:D Well, I've finally got an inside info from MRA Printed Media about why my payment for my published story last month is still delayed.:| My college best friend Pumpkin (who works at Cosmopolitan Indonesia) told me that even models got paid late. He even suggested that I wait patiently for another week. Oh, well.*sighs* Not much I can do about it right now. Saturday was freaking hot. My sister was having a garage sale with her friends at Panglima Polim. The displayed stuff were tempting (I caught two cute bags --- one with a printed kitty pic on and another made of black denim and red leathered straps, a pair of casual loafers, a pair of trousers, cool vintage novels, etc.), but I could only buy a secondhand teenlit novel and Stephen Curtis Chapman's album. Besides, I couldn't stand the heat outside. Guess what? I have a stalker again.:( A different cellphone number, but I suspected it was still the same guy. Why? It's from the way he texts me. Believe me, I can tell.*rolls eyes* And he said he wanted to visit me home today.*shudders* Hani said it might possibly be just his bluff, so I'll keep ignoring him. Besides, I'm going to meet Hani at eleven in Monas (Monumen Nasional - National Monument) today. But I'll leave the stalker's number here again, just in case you people want to 'play' with it: 62-81359286518 *big evil grin* Go ahead. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with stupid stalkers myself. The Author

THESE HARD TIMES
Oftentimes, I seriously wonder if my life is really that 'interesting' to talk about, because --- whenever I come online to update an entry --- I often have a lot to write in. There are stories to tell, whether it's just about me or anything going on around me. Am I really that boring, or am I just thinking --- and feeling --- way too much about a lot of things? Do I need to get a real life instead of just sitting and typing here more and more often? Do I need to be ignorant just once in a while, so I won't have to keep writing about everything? *deep sigh* I don't know.:| I can't answer those questions I silently ask myself from time to time, so...*shrugs* Last Tuesday night, all of our extended family gathered at Aunt Ria's place in Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta. Uncle Asoka, Aunt Ria, and Aunt Yanti are going to have their umroh rituals in Arab (and they're flying away today), so we gathered for a small feast to wish them well. The food was awesome!:D Rice, fried noodles, Sundanese tofu, sayur asam (acidly tasty vegetables), chicken with rojak spices, and Mom's fettuccine. I even managed to snag a few candy and chocolate bars from their fridge (naughty me!*giggles*) I also borrowed their PC to go online for a while, checking mails and blogs. Since Emir already logged on to YouTube, I just played my favourite video "Digging The Grave" by.Faith No More from there. I've wanted to borrow more books from Emir and Uncle Asoka, but I guess that can wait. I still haven't finished reading another borrowed from Hani. It's called "Tarian Dari Langit" (Dances From The Sky) --- an anthology of short stories by local authors with the same theme: a tribute to all tsunami victims in Aceh and Nias Island back in December 26, 2004.:( Sad stories, but at least they help me to remember how lucky I still am --- despite...umm, my reality. And besides, I want to write more than reading these days. Writing helps me keep my sanity. It's my therapy. Wednesday morning was another catering order. It was also the very last day to freely open my mouth to complain about my own personal Twilight Zone at home, to any family member around.:( Menti was right. It's no use. Keeping quiet is the only way. These days, you can't trust anyone with your deep, dark secrets --- even your own family. They don't always understand you. Even worse, sometimes they just won't even bother. They prefer listening (and trusting) an outsider. They give me no choice. They make me do the same thing they all do now. I learn from the best. From now on, that's what I'll be doing. It's just me, my diary, and a few people that I trust who really (want to) understand me. And God too, of course.:P But Menti was dead wrong about me not being empathic enough. I know about her problems with debt collectors, but if she wanted me to just shut the fuck up and stop bitching about my jobless life these days, then why the hell didn't she just say so? I mean, I'm more than well-aware that we all have our own problems. This is just life. But, why do I get the impression that I'm never allowed to vent openly and my problems aren't that serious? Why do get the impression that I'm such a selfish brat by doing so? Why is it always about other people? What about me?! Okay, fine. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit here. If I weren't that empathic, then I wouldn't feel easily touched by those who suffer more than I do. I'd be cold and emotionally dead from the inside. Care to tell the difference here? But, do you know what? Maybe empathy is no longer enough. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. Without real action, it's only useless pity. Pathetic!*rolls eyes* If complaining about my life (like most other normal people do) can only mean getting myself easily accused as being less empathic, then fine. I'll say no more. I'll just pretend D.G. is not controlling my entire family and my dearest sister isn't The Princess Brat Mom considers as her darling daughter. (I mean, she can complain about a lot of little things in her life and still gets away with it!) Hell, I can do that! I've used my plastic smile more often these days. I mean, why not? No problem.*shrugs* Besides, it's clearly what they all need and expect from me. Unconditional understanding and acceptance.(Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*) In other words, if next time someone asks me if I'm actually okay, I'll just shrug and simply say yes, although my fake smile actually wants to say: "No, but for you...I can pretend."*big evil grin* No, seriously. And when it's my right time to leave my parents' house as The Princess Brat and D.G. get married and move in, I'll make sure I already have a stable job and enough money for all of that. No, I'm not that stupid and too emotional. I've already considered this long ago, even before D.G. stepped in and entered the picture. This is not only because of them, but more about me. This is not just what I really want, but also what I truly need. A key to my true freedom, independence, and...sanity. And I can't make them all understand me, so I won't even bother. Explaining things will only waste my time. I'm thinking about shooting the rest of SPICE!'s new editorial staff with a revolver now, because they haven't paid me for my published short story yet as promised.:| How unprofessional is that? The Author

FREELANCE WRITING BLUES
I'm a freelance writer. Usually, I write for contests, magazines and other printed media. Although I've already had a few of my works published, I'm still (not) considered a famous author yet. But anyway, that still doesn't stop me from writing and trying to get my work published. That's just what I do. That's my true passion. However, regarding my recent status, there are times when I must deal with serious problems. It's just part of reality I can't deny. One of them is my financial situation (especially since I lost my previous, regular job at a restaurant). First, unlike your most regular office jobs, you don't get your monthly salary from this. If it gets too much, you have no choice but to rely on a regular (despite rather undesirable) job for your daily basic needs. It's almost like an aspiring actor/musician/painter waiting tables before getting their first big break/gig. Second, the star treatment. Of course, when you're already a somebody with an already best-selling novel (especially if it later becomes a blockbuster hit on big screens!), you get more acknowledgement, respect, and --- of course --- money. But what if you're still (considered) a nobody? Believe me, they're not putting your name on their first priority list. That's totally obvious and I don't need to say more. They think it's okay to let you wait long enough. Sometimes, they just want you to sit down, wait, and keep your mouth shut until you get paid. But what if they forget that and keep you waiting even longer than necessary? Well, they might easily blame you for NOT reminding them that. But if you constantly do remind them until you'll get what you're supposed to get, they might think you're being annoyingly impatient. I've already had three of my works published in the same local magazine. Three times. Before the third charm, I had no problem at all. They promised me two weeks, and I found the money transferred into my account on time. However, with the new staff in the editorial, somehow my last paycheck still gets delayed. I've already complained to the new secretary three times and even to the new chief editor once (which --- I must admit --- in order to give the secretary a hard time for neglecting my complaint), but Ms.Chief Editor said I should check with her secretary --- AGAIN! It's been over three weeks already and I still receive...none.:( My friend Hani suggests that I keep bugging them until I get what's rightfully mine they've promised me. She said it was a class discrimination and I must fight. I hope I'm not being impatient, but I truly need the money. The Author

NO PRANKS FOR FOOLS TODAY
Hey, it's another new month already! April Fools' Day, I know. Last year, I had real fun with Patrick and friends at "Speak-Out's Gathering" in Surya Pemandu School, Jelambar, West Jakarta.:) It was a long time ago, but still feels like yesterday. Good times. I miss those Sunny Sundays. Well, what about today? Honestly, I don't feel like pulling any pranks on other people. I'm just not in the mood. Or maybe, I just can't find the right victims.:P .......................... *giggles* But anyway, I have a pretty interesting story about last Sunday. In fact, as I'm typing this, I still find it hard to believe.:D I've already finished reading "Unveiling Claudia" by.Daniel Keyes on Sunday. Wanting to return that book to my cousin Emir soon, I decided to show up in Panglima Polim early. My prediction was right. Emir and her parents - Uncle Asoka and Aunt Ria - showed up. After I returned the book, I had the chance to show them a local anthology with my short story in it.:) The three of them were quite impressed with how serious I am with my writing career.:P Then suddenly, Uncle Asoka (who also gave me a free ticket to see Java Jazz Festival on early March this year) sat me down and talked to me. He said he understood why I love writing so much. It's just me and my world, he said. It's just the way I am. He knows why there are so many people out there in the world who think I'm such a total freak. The reason is very simple: they just don't get me. They don't understand me. (And I also know that some of them even won't, especially by wanting me to change and sacrifice my true idealism just to be the kind of person they want me to be.*rolls eyes*) Surprisingly, he also suggested that I didn't need to worry too much about not getting a (stable, real) job yet. In fact, I shouldn't worry about not finding it. I can start creating my own. I should keep doing what I'm already doing and simply commit to that --- no matter what. I have the true potential that deserves to go public. He said not many people are like me. It's time to let them all know what I'm really capable of.:) And, in order to support my writing career, Uncle Asoka promised me...one of his old PCs. But he also insisted that I MUST 100% commit to my writing career, or else he'd twist my earlobes.:P He said that if he had a heart to do that to his own sons (Emir and his older brother Rizki), he could do that to his niece.*big evil grin* .......................... Seriously, I'd wanted to cry.:'-) I'd wanted to cry and hug him right there and then, but I knew better not to. I've known him as the expressionless man who's not into mushy stuff (probably the result of having only two sons at home!) But the great thing is, he still cares. I know he does. And I know he's meant business. He really understands me a lot, more than Dad actually does. (A sore point I must accept). Of course, I only said thanks to him.:) (And I only promise myself that I'll keep on writing. Enough said.) Yesterday, I spent most of the day outside with Mom (while silently plotting a new story for my writing inside my head.) She looked rather pale in the morning, so I didn't want her to go out alone. We picked "Hoka Hoka Bento" in D'Best, Fatmawati, South Jakarta for lunch. After that, more natural color returned in her face. The food was yummy!:) I also met one of my old high school classmates Dinda. She looked beautiful. She just finished her post-grad program (oh, how I envy her!:|) and is getting married soon. She said she'd send me the invitation soon!:D (And I'm glad that Mom didn't press that QUESTION: "How about you?"*big evil grin*) Other than that, yesterday was pretty okay to me.:) I felt like I had the old Mom back, long before D.G. came and took her away from me.:( And this time, I hope she stays. The Author

SURVEY VS. REALITY
Again, my friend Hani just sent me a great idea for this entry --- via text message yesterday. I don't know why, but it just hit me instantly the moment I read it. And of course, I should give her a credit for this. Hani said she'd read a survey on "Intisari" (a local version of the popular "Readers' Digest") about...umm, Indonesian people. Our people. It was stated that despite being very poor (well, most of us here anyway), Indonesians were also (considered) the happiest. Surprise, surprise. I don't mean to sound sarcastic about this, but I just can't help it. I've already seen reality. The fact is there. I agree with Hani. That survey is a total nonsense. However, we have our different reasons. She said sometimes true happiness doesn't always involve money or other material things. Happiness already lives within us and all we have to do is just search for it. True. I believe that too. However, I'd like to add: Honestly, I silently wonder if they've also read about a first-grade school boy's suicide in a village in Kendal, Central Java. He was from a very poor family. His father only makes a small living from driving a becak (a tri-cycle cart for a public transportation in villages and small towns). His mother has been long gone. The boy only lived with his blind grandmother most of the time at home. Poverty only made him able to eat once a day. Surprisingly, that didn't stop him from being a smart student and getting good grades in school, one of his teachers stated proudly. He was also well-liked by his classmates. However, he often felt really sick with his gastro problem. Still, he never wanted to skip school. Then one day, he didn't show up. His teacher thought it was unusual. When he decided to visit the boy's house right after school, he found the biggest shock of his life. The poor student was found hanging in his bedroom, with a plastic rope tightly around his neck. He couldn't stand his illness anymore. Meanwhile, I believe we've all seen our day-to-day irony. For all of us who at least still have enough money to fulfil our basic needs, how often do we complain about being unhappy? How often do we say: "It's not fair. I should earn more than this"? And how often do we realise that --- somehow --- we've already let our happiness only be defined by material things? No, I'm not going to state that we don't need money and material things to be happy, or believe that money can buy everything --- even happiness. Both sound hypocritical. I believe that depends on us and how we perceive life. Is ignorance bliss? Maybe. Sometimes it helps us from being unhappy, but not completely. After all, too much ignorance can lead to selfishness --- and then emptiness. As an Indonesian myself, I must say that I don't believe in that survey. In reality, everything is relative. Nothing is always a 100% certain. In other words, one survey doesn't define all. The generalization isn't all valid. The Author

JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY
I forgot to mention that yesterday, my dear brother cooked very delicious lunch for all of us in Panglima Polim. (Too bad our sister was still at work, so she missed it.:P) Fried fish and tempe penyet (crunched soy bean cakes cooked with spices --- Surabayan style.) Since I'm not really into hot spicy stuff, he was considerate enough not to put too much chilli in it.:) Sweet. I guess that's why I fell asleep instantly after lunch.:P I didn't want to, because I consider that a waste of time. Thankfully, a phone call from Nick woke me up.;) Honestly, I can't hardly wait for him to come visit me on June 3rd. So anyway, I stayed in Panglima Polim until I noticed that Dreadful Gatot showed up at night with his gray scooter.*rolls eyes* His familiar black bag was on a couch in the living room. Dad, who'd been sitting in front of the computer and playing games, just told me he was here but had no more clue exactly where. I suspected that he must've gone upstairs to The Almost Twins' shared room again. (Believe me, he's already considered that as his own as well.:|) I couldn't believe that Gatot hardly notified Dad as some sort of decent courtesy to the elders, like all Javanese youngsters really should. He's already 30, for God's sake!*scoffs* Where was his manner, btw? I decided to go to my favourite cybercafe nearby to update an entry. I kept playing Shinedown's "Save Me" (sent by Tiger) to help me temporarily 'escape' to another universe.:( Anywhere safe within my head. Crazy, huh? Suddenly, a woman came by next to me and simply broke my reverie. I looked up at her and she smiled at me, asking, "Are you Indira's little sister?" "Yeah." "She's in the photo gallery next door with your mother." "Oh, okay." Then she left me alone. Minutes later, it was Mom's turn to show up and asked how long I'd be online. An hour was my only answer and then she left. I thanked God she didn't seem to understand what I'd been typing for my previous entry that night. No matter what, I still never want to hurt her feelings. I love her.:( When I returned to Grandpa's, my family and D.G. (Dreadful Gatot) were already there. Mom offered me dinner brought by him. Please, don't get me wrong here. Although I still don't like that guy, I still want to be polite and appreciative with people's gifts. The good thing is, Mom insisted on buying a local anthology with my short story in it and let me have the rest of her money. I guess that means she still cares, right?:) The Author

SUNDAY, HELLISH SUNDAY
I think I've just begun to have a slight disorientation with time, thanks to my still jobless situation here. I had to correct my previous entry. It was supposed to be a Saturday afternoon, not Sunday. There. I've finally done it. What did actually happen on Sunday? I have a little doubt about telling this, but...oh, well.*shrugs* Whatever.*rolls eyes* I've already talked about this with Nick before. (This means I have nothing new to write here for you to read, I'm afraid.:P*smirks*) My parents fought again --- this time about no enough money for my sister's wedding with that dreadful Gatot on July 6.:( Mom wanted Dad to at least help her figure a way out, but all he ever said was: "I don't know", as if it only meant: "I have no more ideas left. You figure the rest out." Period.*scoffs* Then she sobbed for over two hours at home, in the bathroom. I was outside eating some cheap snack I bought from a small vendor nearby and sitting alone in the front porch. From the window, I could see him at the dining table, pouring a glass of water for himself. I hated his stone-cold expression.:x How the hell could he pretend that nothing happened? I'd wanted to rush in there and shake him awake, yelling at his face: "Just wake up and stop being an oblivious to reality, you delirious old man!" But no, as far as I've known all my life, Asian children don't do that to their parents. We're not taught to and I won't, no matter how angry I am. Anyway, I escaped for a long walk alone. Just me and my shadow under the scorching sun above. Surprisingly, my entire body went a little cold, but I guess that's just what usually happens when you try your hardest to suppress your negative emotions within. Anger, grief, whatever. I didn't want to cry. I hate crying in public. A few familiar neighbours smiled at me and tried to make a small talk. I hoped my fake smile looked convincing enough. I just needed to be left alone for a while. The sound of Mom crying just silently made me tick. I could feel my jaw tighten. It hurt like a bitch. By the time I returned, everything was dead quiet. Mom was sitting at the dining table, nursing her headache with a cup of coffee. Her eyes were swollen. I said nothing and went straight into my room. I finally managed to choke back my own tears by listening to the radio on my cellphone and reading "Unveiling Claudia" by.Daniel Keyes --- borrowed from my cousin. Good distractions. That night, Mom and I left home and crashed at Grandpa's with The Almost Twins in Panglima Polim. By Monday, everything went back to normal. Thankfully, we had catering orders on Tuesday. The Author

WHY I STILL REFUSE TO SET FOOT IN TANGERANG
Last Sunday afternoon, I went to Blitz Megaplex in Grand Indonesia, Sudirman, Central Jakarta, to watch a poetry performance by the students of CCF (Centre Culturel Francais) at two. My friend Hani takes French lessons at CCF, and she went to meet me there with her landlady Mbak Bina. Although the show was pretty cool, I'm not going to talk about that here. The three of us were chatting while waiting for the next performance, when suddenly two girls nearby overheard and interrupted our conversation about literature. Noticing their genuine interest, we invited them in. The next thing we knew, there was a brief of casual introduction among each other. The girls' names were Gita and Rian. The tall, slender Gita is a reporter for a local news magazine and also a part-time translator. (The last thing I could still recall from our conversation was that she was working on Oprah Winfrey's autobiography!) Since she also writes poetry and flash fiction, she was soon lost in an exciting conversation with Hani. Same interest. Meanwhile, Rian writes short stories and novels like I do. While she and I were discussing Mary Higgins Clark, Hani suddenly asked them about where they lived. Rian said: "Casablanca" (a border between Sudirman and Kuningan). When Gita said: "Tangerang" (a town outside Jakarta), I couldn't help but shudder. My first reaction was: "I still refuse to visit that town until they will forever stop using that stupid law! " "Yeah, I know what you mean." If you're confused, I'll take you back to 2006: Thanks to Tangerang's stupid law no:8/2008, no women feel safe outside --- especially at night. Why? It is stated that if they're (considered) looking 'suspicious' (and I still wonder just what the hell that means!), they will be deemed as prostitutes and can get arrested. Of course, the hypocrite government claimed that it was just intentionally made to 'protect' women. The worst news I can never forget (and nor even forgive) was what happened on March 2006. A teacher's wife who was just on her way home from work at a dine-in got arrested. Sadly, she was never given a chance to defend herself nor even call her husband at home. At that time, she was two months pregnant. "We're still fighting for it to be banished for good," admitted Hani, who's also part of KPI (Komisi Perempuan Indonesia - Indonesian Women's Commission). "That's part of huge gender discrimination in our country." "Yeah, it sucks," Gita agreed. "I have to show them my press ID every night on my way home. But lately, things have been less than strict about that. Maybe it's a good sign that people start thinking how utterly useless and stupid the whole idea is." I hope so too. Maybe someday, I will be able to visit that town --- without fear nor anger for the obvious injustice, and also MINUS the injustice as well. The Author

THE (NON) QUEUING HABIT
Yesterday, I was quite stunned to hear the news from Palembang. There were so many people wanting to see the phenomenal movie "Ayat-Ayat Cinta" / The Verses of Love (from the national best-selling novel of the same title by Habiburrahman El-Shirazy). However, as they started to push forward in the queuing line to buy tickets, a local girl got accidentally slammed against the window booth --- smashing the glass. She didn't get the chance to watch the movie that day. Instead, shards of glass had sent her to the ER and given her 25 stitches! Sympathizing her situation, one of the senior cast showed up at her home to give her free tickets from MD Entertainment (the producer of the movie.) Of course, she finally got to watch it in the end. At first, you might think: "Lucky girl." Lucky??? Actually, I'm not that surprised by my people's (non) queuing habit. But I was still pretty much shocked (and upset) by the dangerous effect such habit can possibly cause on people themselves. Of course, as usual --- it's always started from basic ignorance. "It's already a common habit around here," most of them will usually say. Others will also support with obvious apathy, "There's no use in trying to make things right and change them all, especially if there are already way too many of them doing-" or should I emphazise, not doing "-it." "Everyone else is like that," I've already heard this justification too many times before, especially from those whose big-sized ego just won't allow them to take the blame and be responsible. "So, why aren't we?" Unfortunately, most people have been already too used to it they consider it as part of normality. That's just what happens everyday here. For example, people who are using the elevators. Most of them will usually crowd in front of the double-doors, impatiently waiting for those to open. But when the doors open, they rush inside all at once --- not even bothering to give some decent space for others who want to get out first! The same thing happens at Trans-Jakarta bus corridors, train stations, and even concerts. If there are strict security guards ambling by, we're still lucky. But if not? Well, since most people still lack discipline but have too much arrogance in them, acting childish is all they do. If they're being reminded by those few who want to politely queu in line like any decent citizen in public places really should, these people usually get all defensive or even worse --- practicing true ignorance, by pretending to be deaf and dumb. (Ironically, even the 'so-called' well-educated ones do that too!) And unfortunately, they usually keep on doing that until victims fall (like what happened in Palembang, for a perfect example.) Then they start taking it seriously, but only for a while. After that, they tend to forget such incidents easily and do it all over again. It's the same old story repeated. Old (bad) habits die hard. These days, I wonder if a good change is too impossible to be true... The Author

MY ROLLERCOASTER RIDE IN LIFE
I've been wanting to update an entry since like, a couple of days ago or so, but something else always came up. Yesterday, I had to do another more important thing: applying for a job online. Yes, people. Once again, I'm trying out for MRA Printed Media as a reporter. Like I've already told myself many times before: I'm no quitter. It's my dream job. I don't care how long it must take, as long as my ways are legal. I even wrote a sampling article for it. It was about: stalkers.:( And too bad, he's still bugging me. No more stupid text messages, but missed calls are still aggravating! Grrh!!:x I don't know what else to do but to keep ignoring him until he's bored to death or else. No, I'm not changing my number, although it's obviously the quickest, most logical solution. It's quite expensive, I know, but --- again --- that's not exactly the point. I'm not letting him win by doing that. I mean, he can waste his own cellphone credit on me, but I owe him no shit. I've already hinted that, but I guess the guy's either a complete loser, a total idiot, a pathetic psychopath, or worse...all in one.*rolls eyes* What a Goddamned shame. Ugh...*scoffs* And Hani's been more than helpful with this matter.:) She's helped me contact the right cellphone provider (although unfortunately, they said they couldn't block any number permanently regardless the owner's request.:|) She even gathered all her buddies around the country to threaten the stalker so he'd stop bugging me for good. But still, no use...:( *deep sigh* No news about The New Zealand International School that had interviewed me last week on Monday yet, so I decided to call them today. They said they'd let me know soon enough. Okay. Menti just told me that I-Radio (from MRA Broadcast Media) is also looking for new announcers and reporters.:D Alright! Well, the good thing is...my Indonesian version of short story "Snapshot" (Fotomu) is published in SPICE! this month.:D YAY! The Author

A NIGHT OF JAZZ EXPERIENCE
Last night, I attended the second day of Java Jazz Festival 2008 in Jakarta Convention Centre, Senayan, Central Jakarta. (It's from 7-9 March, 2008.) I am not ashamed to admit that my uncle gave free tickets for The Almost Twins (my two siblings) and me. (He even gave another for my sister's fiance.) Honestly, with my irregular income as a freelance writer, it's hard to buy a ticket to see a live musical performance. Jazz is the most expensive in the city, unless if it's run by local college students --- like the popular, annual event Jazz Goes To Campus in The Faculty of Economy of University of Indonesia. Not many jazz enthusiasts can afford to see the show here, unless if they're wealthy enough or having certain close 'connections' with its committee. I happen to be not much of a jazz enthusiast myself. I sometimes enjoy the music, but I don't have favourite musicians in that department. I also need to add my musical references. The very first moment my brother and I showed up at JCC, it was already sometime around seven. It was also very crowded. However, there were two things that really concerned me: 1.My people's constant littering habit. Okay, obviously --- this is an international show. The tickets are expensive and only the wealthy can buy. Many people showed up in their best outfits. Personally, I believe that they're also (supposed to be) well-educated enough. How come they were still littering? Cigarette butts, used tissues, plastic bottles...yuck! (And I thought my country has already agreed to join the worldwide 'go-green' campaign to stop global warming from getting worse. Ironic.) 2.'Calo' (the ticket scalpers). All the way from the parking lot to JCC, they were practically everywhere --- offering tickets twice the original price or even asking people to sell them the extra spares. Why did they exist undisturbed? Because this is just Indonesia. From tickets to out-of-town rides on public transportations to sports events and live concerts, they're there. A barricade of police officers stood to watch their surroundings, but they hardly minded the illegal ticket-sellers. Why? Well, they thought they had more crucial possibilities to worry about, like sudden mass riot, for example (although, as far as I've known from jazz history, that would barely happen --- unlike rock concerts --- eventhough beers were involved.) As my brother and I entered the building, another surprise awaited me. Despite the fact that the committee had prepared several different trash cans to support the 'go-green' campaign, I still saw people litter. The committee staff ended up doing their responsibility, picking up the trash and put them in the suitable cans. How come? A couple of years ago when I attended the same jazz festival, there were specific spots for smokers --- in order to tolerate other non-smoking audience. I guess such policy isn't used anymore, probably related to the sponsor's request --- although many audience brought their children along, even babies! Okay, I think I've stated the contradiction pretty clear. But despite all of that, the show went well. Local band Souleha performed with a touch of funk, bringing obvious excitement in the audience. Santamonica was electrifying, despite a little disturbed by some statics from the sound system. George Clinton rocked the stage with 'psychadelic' style. D'Sound from Norway gave their full performance, especially with their popular track used as a cellphone ad jingle "Talking Talking". The Author

SILENCE
"Silence is golden." Well, I'm sure most of us are already familiar with that phrase. We know that it means (there are times when) it's best for us to keep our mouths shut. Talk less --- or no talk at all. Listen more. After all, it's just our civil way to respect others while they're talking to us. Don't we all want to be heard? That's normal. Even when we feel like wanting to interrupt and share our thoughts to the other person, we must be careful. Does the other person easily feel intimidated by that? Do they even want to listen? Do they never want you to talk back? Do they believe that their wish is your command --- and you're expected to obey them all the time? "Is silence still golden? Should it be broken?" But what happens when it gets too much? What will we do when it becomes imbalanced? It's like, we're expected only to listen and obey, but never being heard and --- worst of all --- understood. What if they're way too powerful and selfish to see that our opinions are also important? And what if we silently feel that our rights have been rudely trampled on? Do we still want to keep quiet, eventhough it actually hurts? "If silence is (still) golden, then talking is 24-carat gold." If you know how to tackle this matter elegantly, then you won't end up being called just 'another big mouth'. Analyze the situations carefully. Choose your words wisely. If listening is a sign of respect for other people, then standing up for yourself is also one --- for you. But if they still don't listen, then that means they don't deserve any respect. After all, we're (supposed to be) equal here as human beings. The Author

THE BRAVEST WITH FEARS
I love reading Francine M.Pascal's "Fearless" series. The main fictional heroine --- Gaia Moore --- has genuinely impressed me. She reminds me a little of Jamie Summers in TV show "Bionic Woman". Gaia Moore is a girl born without the fear gene (which by the way, you can already tell from the obvious title). Imagine that. Once I wondered what it would feel like to be her for a day. Would that be so cool? Would I be safe from the jerks out there who just loved bullying women to show how tough they all could be? (Yeah, right.) Since I was a kid, I've been upset by society's awful perception about women: that they're mostly cowards but tolerable and even (considered) normal. Honestly? I HATE THAT! I was even bugged by a State governor (who was a popular Hollywood actor in the 90's) with his gender-biased statement long ago. He'd claimed that male politicians who were cowards were simply: "girly-men". (And I silently wonder what did really mean anyway.) Sadly, a lot of girls are (still) buying such degrading nonsense. It's like no matter how beautiful and intelligent they truly are, this awful perception has gradually made them believe that they must still depend on other people (especially guys!) just to make them more respected. I mean, how insecure can that really be? If these girls aren't careful enough (or waking up soon from the huge dosage of sleeping pills given freely by society), this will gradually lead them spiraling down to stagnation and --- fearfully --- nothingness. I must admit --- as a girl myself --- I've projected most of my anger toward society by becoming...a tomboy. I once had my hair cut extra short, rarely wore dresses and skirts, talked loud (and still do), etc. But soon, I realised that: "Why should I sacrifice my feminine side completely, just to prove people I'm also brave enough to face anything?" To this day, I sometimes still hate to admit that --- like most normal people in the world --- I do have my fears. I only feel comfortable talking about them with my few most trusted friends. In fact, I'm still often scared of showing people that I too have them. Silly, huh? Thankfully, I've had my good male buddies telling me the truth behind the (still) awfully gender-biased society. Guess what? They've openly admitted their fears to me. (To keep their trust, I'm not going to specify any names here.) One once feared of losing a cheating girlfriend (and now I'm forever thankful that he's finally made a sensible decision to end that unhealthy relationship.) Another feared of not being able to provide true happiness to his true love (and gratefully, they're now engaged.) They've all shared the same thing to me and it's changed my perception: "Even the bravest have fears. But that doesn't make them cowards, because only cowards who choose not to face their fears and fight." Knowing and believing that, I've begun to look at this issue more clearly. I believe that women are very good at being brave too, especially when they truly believe that themselves. What about our mothers who worry and may be scared of what can possibly happen to us in the future, eventhough they know that they can't always watch their kids 24/7? Or, a girl fearing that her adrenaline-junkie of a boyfriend might get in a serious accident in one of his dangerous activities --- related to extreme sports? From now on, I don't want to hear any insult on my kind. Why do women (seem to) fear a lot? It's because they care, not from cowardice. The Author

A LITTLE HOPE...
Of all the obstacles I've been having to go through a lot lately, God's given me a little hope today: A new international school in Kemang, South Jakarta just called me this morning.:) They said they wanted to offer me a job there --- as an assistant teacher for their primary classes. Yes, I've already sent them my job application since like, weeks ago or so. Well, I'll give it a try. What can I say? I'm still jobless and desperate. I badly need a ticket out of this financial dependence. I've made my final decision. No matter what, I must get out of my parents' --- as fast as I possibly can. Before my sister and her obnoxious fiance Gatot get married and start taking over my entire family --- I must already have my own place, freedom, and regain my sanity.:| And God, please do me a favour. This time, I don't want any more disappointments on my end. Honestly, I've had enough, thank you very much. The Author

ME VS. THE ANNOYING STALKER
That's it!:x I just can't stand this shit any longer. I must do something serious to put an end to this. I'm talking about a stalker that's been bugging me for weeks lately --- since January 27.:( Grrh! I know it was my own slight stupidity in a public place. I was sitting in a not-so-private cubicle of a cybercafe, typing my job resume --- not realizing that someone else had quietly sneaked behind my back and peeked in. I figured that was how he got my cellphone number.*blushes* Okay, so to shorten the story, his first text message came as utterly obnoxious --- mysterious and somewhat flirtatious, as if he was some so-called charming, harmless secret admirer wanting to get to know me. Yuck!:x Using Dad's cellphone (especially since my credit was out), I threatened him to stop bugging me and insisted that he must tell me just who the hell he was, what he wanted, and how he got my number. He replied my text, saying his name was Kurnia and he saw my number from the same cybercafe he was also in. (See?) And he said he just wanted to get to know me. (Oh, really? Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Whatever.) Freaked out by his blunt confession, I chose to ignore him. However, he didn't take my hint. He got upset by my indifference. He tried to make me feel bad for ignoring him through his text messages. I hated that (and still do.:|) I always delete them. I still get freaked out by his missed calls. Saturday nights are the worst. These days, I'm being extra cautious with calls from random numbers, fearing it might be him.:( Once I used Dad's cellphone again to text his, pretending to be Dad by telling him to: "Leave my daughter alone!" (And Dad didn't even know a damn thing about this.) No success. That creep ended up texting my cellphone back, telling me that I hurt his feelings with my rejection. (Say what?!:O I mean, WTF?!!:x) I believe I have the rights to reject and ignore him like that. Hell, I don't even need a reason! He's the one who absolutely has no rights at all. For me, this is not just a violation but also harrassment on my privacy!! :(... *deep sigh* I don't know what else to do now. I mean, I can seek revenge by spreading his number all over gay chatrooms.*big evil grin* My best friend Nick suggested that I try calling my local cellphone provider to ask them to have his number permanently blocked --- so he won't be able to contact mine anymore. (Is it possible?:( I surely hope so.) I'm tired of this. In case you're curious, here's the stalker's number: 62-8161139907 Look, I haven't really decided what to do, okay? But in the meantime, you can do whatever you like with that number. I don't care. So go ahead, amuse me.:P The Author

INDIVIDUAL ACTS AND SOCIETY'S RESPONSES
Just yesterday morning, I witnessed a scene on the bus. Ten rowdy middle school boys (in their white shirts and blue trousers --- their uniforms) jumped on the bus where I was, chattering annoyingly loudly. Some of them were even smoking. Impolitely, they shouted at the bus driver to move on. The bus driver didn't budge. Instead, he sternly told them, "I'm not moving until all of you kids pay me first!" Grumbling, the boys quickly collected the fees for the bus driver. After that, the bus finally moved again until their next destination. When the boys finally got off, I felt strangely relieved. Finally, it was quiet again. Honestly, I didn't care much about the teenagers. I've been down their road before, when all you want to do is mostly have fun and just be as carefree as you please. However, I'm also well-aware that not all teenagers are that ignorant. But still, I could understand why the bus driver was tad upset and rather...prejudiced. There have been common cases in Jakarta about a group of students getting on and off the bus --- without paying. Yep, they even run off easily, giggling as if what they're doing is normal and...funny. Well, the moral of the story is pretty simple: Is it true that what we do in our everyday society here only represents ourselves as individuals --- and not more than that? That incident already gives us a crystal clear example. How a group of ignorant and irresponsible students have somehow caused an angry bus driver to easily judge/label all students as just the same. Imagine that. I also remember another simple example. You see, I must shamefully admit that most Indonesians are...slackers. Some people even playfully (and sometimes meanly) joke about us as the human time-stretchers, because we often --- and almost always --- show up late and literally get ourselves behind planned schedules. Work starts at eight and we show up at after ten. We always have our excuses. (In Jakarta, heavy traffic is always to blame.) I was genuinely surprised by my friend Mary Jo's reaction when I showed up way early to hang out with her one night. She'd said at six and that was when I came. Her comment was, "Wow, you're on time. I thought all Indonesians wouldn't show up on time." It's a sad thing that bad examples are more easily followed, just because we all still tend to think that it's okay, everybody else is doing it. If that is the case, then what about those who want to give the good ones to the community? Are they not (considered) part of "everybody" we are referring to? Are they not representatives enough? The Author

ALL I WANT IS EVERYTHING :P
What I've been wanting badly ( but still not getting any! ) : 1.A job. 2.More money. (Note: I don't have to be so filthy rich like Paris Hilton, but at least it should be enough to make my parents stop fighting constantly about money and everything, pay our debts, support my writing career more, and...get me my own place, so that The Bratty Couple can have my family in that house all to themselves --- once they get married in July 6 and move in. Now, am I asking for too much here?:|) 3.My own place to live in. (Note: without no.2 above, I won't get to have it. At all.*rolls eyes*) For those of you who think I'm being unrealistic, raise your hands.:( The Author

WASTED...
Again, I still feel so wasted. I've just finished reading "Marshmallow Coklat" by.Ken Terate. (And sadly, teenlits always make me want to go back to my teenage years --- eventhough they weren't as glorious as I hoped it would've been.:|) And I've also just watched "Heroes" on TV.:) You know, I wish I could be like that kid Micah Sanders. I could rob an ATM here.*giggles* *big evil grin* Okay, enough with that.:| Back to reality. I'm still looking for a job. (Well, what else is new?*rolls eyes*) Mom's been dragging The Almost Twins all around the town for building surveys for my sister's wedding with...him.:| You know who. I'm still avoiding him these days. The obnoxious groom-to-be. The Author

A STATE OF OBVIOUS UNHAPPINESS
"Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day? Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away? Wouldn't it be good to be on your side? The grass is always greener over there. Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?" ("WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD?" - Nik Kershaw) Today is just another day when I feel most unhappy being myself.:( I'm sorry. I know this sounds awfully pathetic to you, but still painfully true. How wasted can I ever really get myself these days? I'm still jobless, but (made) busy for other people. (How ironic is that?) The Bratty Couple's wedding will take place sometime around June or July. And I'm still not getting away out of here. Chained to this unwanted reality. The Author

FOR MOST 25+ YEAR-OLD SINGLE GIRLS:
This is what you can do to dodge their most annoying questions about your (still) single status: "Do you have a boyfriend?" "No." "Are you still looking?" "Hmm, not really." In other words: you're actually still looking, but NOT that desperate --- as if you must meet a certain deadline your society strictly creates. "Why?" "Why?" "Yeah, why?" "I don't know. What do you think?" Shrug your shoulders. Whether you may or may not answer, that doesn't make them come up easily with a perfect solution for your problem. Well, if being single is even really called a 'problem'. "If you're not even interested in looking or wanting to try, then how come you will ever get married?" "First things first, okay? Love, dating, and even marriage aren't exactly like racing cars!" "How sarcastic. But just remember: tick...tock...tick...tock..." "If you're referring to my biological clock, I've studied little biology in school. So thanks for your reminder." "How sarcastic." "Whatever." Roll your eyes as you may. "So, when?" "When what?" "When is your turn?" "When is my turn to what?" "Get married!" "Get married?" "Yes. Don't you want to?" "Of course." But without this stupid social pressure, please! "Then, why is it so hard for you to answer a very simple question?" "Should I?" "Of course." "Okay, here we go." Take a deep breath. "My answer is: a.'Soon'. b.'May...maybe yes, maybe no.' c.'Umm, when is exactly do you want?' d.'Well, what do you think?' " You may take your pick, or be more creative than me.:P The Author

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR MOST ANNOYING SECRET ADMIRERS (ALIAS STALKERS):
1.If a complete stranger says they really want to get to know you, the most polite way is to do it face-to-face --- with a friendly smile, a civil attitude, and respect for personal space to keep you from feeling intimidated. Or, if it's by telephone or via e-mail address --- they must introduce themselves properly first, including informing you where they get your number and e-mail address from, and also letting you know their true intentions. As romantic as the whole idea may sound, not all secret admirers are safe. Please remember, this is not your favourite Hollywood blockbuster. If they intend on being mysterious in the first place, then you must question yourself about really trusting them. 2.If you're not feeling comfortable with them already, it's alright to back off and say no. Never feel bad about politely declining them and just moving on. For your own safety, ignorance is surely bliss. You have the right. 3.But if you're interested in finding out about them (especially if you love mystery-solving), don't do it alone. Notify your trusted friends, until you're 100% sure that the stranger you want to get to know is really safe --- even if your true intention is only to 'just' have fun. Remember to alert your local authority in case things get unexpectedly un-cool. 4.If the stranger claims that they receive your personal number and e-mail address from someone you already know, ask them to specify the name. If they won't or give you an unfamiliar one, never trust them again. But if they do, ask your mentioned friend for a valid confirmation. From there, you can tell if it's safe to acknowledge them as a new friend or not. 5.If your most polite rejection doesn't work, ignore them until they get bored. If they still have a life and call themselves 'normal', I'm sure they'll stop bugging you. But never let them make you feel bad for ignoring them. They have absolutely no rights in violating your privacy in the first place! 6.If it gets too much, you have no choice but to have to switch to a new number and e-mail address --- at least for a while until the terror stops permanently. If they still scare you in any way (like telling you they know where you live and will do horrible things to you and the people you care about), contact your local authority for further help and alert your family and friends. Make sure you also still have proofs (like un-deleted text messages and the copy of threat mails) to show them. Let the police do their job, while you might want to avoid going out alone for a while. 7.Mind your surroundings. Try not to reveal your most personal identity in public places so the strangers can also see (especially ONLINE!) 8.Know your neighbours. That way, you can get more help to watch over you. 9.Know how to self-defense is a very important bonus, because no one can always protect you 24/7. The Author

DESPAIR AND NUMBNESS
"Surga begitu sepi Tapi aku ingin tetap di sini Karena kuingat janji-Mu, Tuhan Kalau aku datang dengan berjalan ENGKAU akan menjemputku dengan berlari-lari." (The heaven is so quiet But I still want to be here 'Cause I remember Your promise, God If I come walking to You YOU will come running to me.) from: "Aku Bermimpi Melihat Surga" (I Dream of Seeing Heaven) by.Andrea Hirata (from "Laskar Pelangi" / The Rainbow Soldiers) Dearest God, I know that I've never really been a good girl lately.:( For that, I am truly sorry. May You always have Your mercy on me. Dear God, These days have been the hardest for me. If my father's no longer reliable as the head of my family, then why am I still jobless and useless here? Why haven't You answered my prayers yet? It's not that I haven't tried my hardest enough to get a job here. If I come running to You, will You come flying down to pick me up? I know this sounds like a faith crisis. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Am I asking for way too much here? Do I deserve Your priceless, yet also endless favour? God, It's been a long while since the very last time my mother and I really 'talked'.:( Ironically, I am missing her a lot --- eventhough she's still around and I can see her. What's going on here lately? I don't want to exaggerate things or have any prejudice about anybody, but I also can't pretend that everything is still okay and the same as before. I know I'm not the only one feeling this, because I've had other witnesses say the same thing. What have I done seriously wrong to my mother, God?:( If I have, then how come I don't know? Why won't she tell me? Why won't she even be interested in listening to me anymore? Have I been nothing more than a mere disappointment in her life? These days, her smiles and devoted attention are only for both of them. My sister and Gatot.:( They're going to have their engagement party on February 10, and I can't escape that day. If only he were much nicer and not treating my entire family members like fucking slaves that have to serve his needs, then I wouldn't feel this way. Of course, I won't get in their way. It's their call. These days, I only need a stable job for me and a place to live alone --- not under the same roof with them. But why aren't You answering my prayers? I'm sick and tired of waiting for my chances. I'm sorry, but I can't stand this anymore. Thank You. The Author

FLAWLESS = WHITE , WHITE = FLAWLESS???
These days, there are no more clear barriers between films and commercials. A commercial can tell the story of a brand like a film does, and vice versa. Personally, I don't mind. I enjoy creativity, though. However, I find myself personally disturbed at a series of a commercial in my local TV stations lately. No, I'm not going to specifically name the brand. But, if you've seen it like I have, I'm sure you'll know. It's a series of commercials about a whitening lotion that promises women that they will look flawless. Get the key words? Flawless white. Part 1: A couple bid farewell to each other at an airport. The girl gives the guy one of the pair necklaces with half a heart pendant that can be joined with the other. Five years after, the girl is still on her own. But one day, she passes a couple by on the street. Surprisingly, it's her old boyfriend from the past. He catches her staring at him and suddenly feels familiar with her. However, the new girlfriend notices and somehow feels jealous and insecure. She drags him away from the gloomy old girlfriend. Realising the reason he only vaguely recognizes her, the old girlfriend looks in the mirror and tries the whitening lotion... - to be continued- Part 2: The guy and his new girlfriend visit a jewelry store. They're looking at the rings in the glassy counter. However, when he picks a ring for her, she suddenly lashes out and shows him another with a diamond on it. Then she storms out of the store, leaving him upset. Then, he visits a flower store alone. To his surprise, his long-lost ex is working there. (Of course, she's already put the lotion on so she doesn't look gloomy anymore.) The unexpected encounter surprises her too. They both smile at each other and begin a small chat merrily like old friends. After buying the flowers, he leaves. She looks so sad. The guy and his bitchy, materialistic girlfriend are having candle-light dinner at the fancy restaurant. It is obvious that he wants to propose her. But meanwhile, the sad ex-girlfriend at home is staring at her cellphone. Her text message is: "I still love you." Then the guy's cellphone suddenly beeps, distracting him from his thoughts. -to be continued- Part 3: The guy checks his cellphone and reads a message from his ex: "I hope you'll always be happy." Doubt shatters his confidence. He quickly excuses himself away, leaving his cellphone on the table and his girlfriend alone. Her eyes radiates suspicion and distaste. At home, the ex-girlfriend receives a hurtful reply from his cell: "I never want to see you again." She cries miserably. Heartbroken, she frantically packs her bag and dumps her old picture with him into the trash-can. Looks like she's going somewhere. Back at the restaurant, the bitch puts his cellphone back on the table with a deviously satisfying smile and the evil glint in her cat-like eyes. But after that, the guy is at home alone --- looking at his cellphone in dismay. -to be continued- Part 4: It turns out that he knows what his girlfriend's done. The last message is still in 'sent items'. Then the couple argue about it. As they pass the sad ex-girlfriend from a different escalator, he looks at her but she looks away. The bitch notices that again and slaps him in the face. It's over. After that, he chases after his ex at the airport. When they come face-to-face, he grabs her arm --- his sappy-looking eyes obviously begging for forgiveness and another chance. She uselessly tries to push him away, but stops as her fingers meet the familiar pendant around his neck. It's the necklace she gave him five years ago. She simply breaks down and cries. He takes her in his arms. All is simply forgiven and the old relationship renewed. -to be continued- So far, that's the only they've already made. Despite my genuine appreciation on their creativity, I can't help but feeling seriously irritated at the whole 'soap-opera' kind of scenes. Why? The key words of the bran already bugs me too much. Does being (considered) flawless only mean having picture-perfect, Snow White complexion? If a girl doesn't look as fair as your favourite princess character in a bedtime story, does that mean she has the flaws? Once again, patriarchy has played another fine role in degrading women and making them feel more insecure about themselves. My friend Hani said one day, "That stupid commercial is fooling women. They're describing women as pathetic characters. One's cunning and materialistic, the other's passive-submissive. And they're silently competing over one guy who can possibly be a jerk and do whatever the hell he likes with both of them. That's clearly unacceptable, because their message is crystal-clear: 'All women must always be prettier to satisfy men. If you want to be considered pretty, you have to be tall and slim, with picture-perfect fair complexion.' Gender-biased is what I see in it." You may think that she and I are just taking it too seriously or being overly sensitive. Sadly, there are still many women out there who seem to take it (too) lightly and unaware of the pshycological 'side effects'. It's just a commercial, they might say. Even my aunt Menti jokingly commented, "It's up to the director, not you." Well, hypothetically --- if I were that ex-girlfriend, I'd use the lotion and simply find another (much) better guy after that. Then I'd show him to my ex, so he'd feel sorry for having ditched me for another girl. It sounds pretty vengeful to you, but I think it'll look so much better --- like portraying more 'power' in a woman. After all, that's what most scorned women will normally do. But hey, maybe that's just me. In reality, I'm just an ordinary tomboy with no sheer interest in becoming a diva. Maybe I'm a sarcastic feminist too, but definitely not bitter. I know I'm not tall and slim, but my tan is perfect for tropical weather. I just want my kind to be portrayed with more respect and dignity. The Author

BATTLING THE BLOCK
Once again, I've wanted to write something yesterday, but something else came up. I'm not going to specify the reason here, but it was enough to completely destroy my focus again. It sucks for most writers. Most of us are already familiar with its common name. The writer's block. Some call it 'mood swings' (and it turns out that not only women with PMS/PMT tend to have it. Ha!) It's like there's a hurricane inside our brains, shadowing our sense of creativity. Many of us say it's because we're already too busy with real life. Unfortunately, once we find our free time, we're already too exhausted from our recent activities in life. Or worse, we're caught up with our own emotional issues that --- somehow --- leave us unable to even scribble a word or two. "Mood swings isn't an excuse," claimed Andrea Hirata, a nationally successful Indonesian author of "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers). "Once you have your strong will, you must do all you can to maintain and nothing should ever beat that." Well, what if we do have our strong will, but our writings still come out...unpleasant? My best friend Tiger once complained about not being able to complete one of his musical compositions. (He's a musician.) Whenever he tried to come up with a verse, it always sounded similar to other already popular songs he knows. Those were the hardest times for him and his creativity. What did I tell him? Well, I suddenly remembered what I read about the band Creed. (Too bad they broke up.) Lead-singer Scott Stapp told the media that --- in order to create fresh, powerful songs --- the band always spent about three months without listening to any music. That way, they could concentrate a lot without the interference of old, familiar tunes and lyrics in their heads. I thought that was a pretty catchy advice (although still, it's easier said than done.) Did he really follow that advice? I don't know. I never ask again. It's all up to him. After all, I just wanted to be a helpful friend. Then, what about me? Perhaps, I shouldn't write this for too long now. Maintaining my energy is very important. Finding my free time without feeling too exhausted to do anything more is quite challenging these days. But could I stop reading and watching anything for a while, just until my new writing is successfully produced? And could I also avoid listening to soundtracks which movies I've watched before, so their old plots wouldn't alter my creativity process? And will it work? Good question. The Author

THE LONGEST ENTRY
Alright, when was the last time I really wrote in here?:P I know, it's been a long time. Lately, I've hardly had time for myself. Always for other people (my family and friends). Well, that's okay, as long as I'm still productive and not lethargic. But still, I miss my solitude. (And I'm stealing some of my so-little-free-time these days to write in here. Hehe.) Yesterday, I bought my favourite local newspaper KOMPAS again. I'm also still catching up on Andrea Hirata's "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers). I borrowed that from Hani like, weeks ago. It's her favourite.:) I'm not surprised, because the story is really enchanting. It's actually a non-fiction, based on the author's childhood memories in a school for the poor children. Despite their very, very unfortunate situations back then, ten students (the author and his nine friends) still got to have fun and be grateful about life. Truly inspiring.:D Well, I also still help around in the catering business. (These days, it's still the only way for me to earn money. For now, because I'm still looking for my dream job.:|) I have tons of ideas here inside my head, waiting to be written and desperately wanting to come out --- like those little blue pixies in cages during Professor Gilderoy Lockhart's class in "Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets".*giggles* Well, I must be able to concentrate well, even when I get my quiet solitude. Which means, I'm not letting myself get exhausted when the day ends.:| It's pretty tough, but that's what I'm mostly doing lately. *deep sigh* Just yesterday, all my Indonesian fellows and I were shocked by the news about the death of our former second president Soeharto.:O Right after spending about 24 days in RSPP (Rumah Sakit Pusat Pertamina - Pertamina's Central Hospital), South Jakarta --- Soeharto finally passed away at 1:10 pm yesterday. He was 86 years old (1921 - 2008 --> his birthday was June 21). Multi-organ failures, the doctors had told the mass media during yesterday's press conference. And just today, before Zuhur prayer, he was buried next to his late wife Mrs.Tien Soeharto's tomb. The funeral took place in Astana Giri Bangun, Karanganyar, Central Java. Well, I don't know what to say about this. The only time I ever got to really talk to him personally (and no, I am so not kidding you all here!) was a very long time ago --- back when I was still a third-grade student. Both my parents worked in IBM, and this company ran an event to introduce fun and educative computer programs for kids. My sister and I were the players too, wearing our school uniforms to show people where we studied. I guess fate had worked in funny ways, because at that time: 1.Mom had suggested us girls to wear the green batik shirts and green skirts for that day, but my sister preferred her regular white shirt. (In our Islamic private grade school, white shirts were for every Monday to Wednesday and Friday --- while the green batik one was only for Thursday attendances.) Mom's instinct had probably been awesome, because I looked strikingly different in it --- among the other kids in white. 2.I was meant to play the drawing program in the computer, but another kid wanted to trade that with his 'boring' program. I didn't mind, though, because the 'health-meter' wasn't as boring as he claimed. I was more interested in it as I began typing. (Although it didn't really help me with my poor math skills, because it was also like a calculator.) I got to know people's health-issues (like how I cringed at the computer's advice for me to reduce eating "ice-cream, chocolate, and sweets" and Dad's obesity problem.*big evil grin*) When that event took place in TMII (Taman Mini Indonesia Indah - Indonesia's Beautiful Mini Park), Soeharto showed up with his wife and Vice President Soedarmono (and of course, a battalion of special government agents!) Surprisingly, they just passed the other kids and came straight to my corner. Thump! my heart had skipped a beat. Dad calmly told me that Mr.President wanted to try the program. "Okay," I'd timidly replied. Soeharto had bent down next to me and I began asking him questions according to the electronic questionnaire. I was silently surprised at my own calmness. He was also being very friendly, as if I was his own granddaughter. But, when I got to the age section, I hesitated for a moment. Why? Because I'd been taught that it was (considered) impolite to ask someone older than you about their age. And my childlike mind simply worried that I might've insulted The President with that question. Oh, well. I looked up to his friendly, smiling face with my own shy smile --- but shot the question anyway. "How old are you, Sir?" They all laughed spontaneously. I was a little embarrassed, but thankfully --- Soeharto was still smiling at me. Then he answered: "Sixty-eight." I typed the digits and pressed enter. os record came out well. He looked satisfied to see he was still considered healthy, although he wasn't exactly that athletic anymore. Through my innocent eyes, that was how I'd seen him. The Author

OUR SOLITARY MOMENTS
Actually, I've been wanting to write this since a couple of days ago. Yes, January 22nd was also my best friend Tiger's 22nd birthday. I've also planned to send him a cute e-card like the one he sent me last year on my...um, 26th birthday. (Fyi, I hate feeling old and also to be reminded of that clearly unavoidable fact!) However, the plan just didn't go well. As ridiculous as it may sound to you, I didn't have the time. (Of course, eventhough I'm technically still jobless now, I still help around in my family's catering business.) In the end, I just texted his cellphone, wishing him a happy birthday and that he'd grow wiser. Typical. Cliche, but at least he knew that I still remembered and cared. He replied my text message, saying thanks and hoping that we could catch up with each other's latest news soon enough. I supposed that he was still busy. At times, like this, I miss being alone. No, please don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean I don't need anybody else around me. We know that connecting ourselves to other people is very important. However, it's also important to have our solitary moments as well. Some of us like to call that our "me-times". It's those times when we (get to) have our break from the world, only to indulge ourselves in our favourite activities/hobbies --- or even just to relax for a while. Our religious sides also long to use such rare times (especially these days) to pray and get 'closer and more personal' to God --- completely uninterrupted by distractive mortal noises. Our solitary moments can also be good for us to truly reflect on our inner-selves --- and not just through other people's eyes. Some of us may say, "There's no way that I can ever really be alone. I can't live without other people." True, we still do need them. But, is it that possible for us to get stuck with them 24/7, including having to hear their endless complaints and demands for attention? I believe there are times when we just want to escape and disappear for a while, only to be able to listen to our own voices within. That doesn't necessarily mean we want to forever exclude ourselves from other people and become anti-socials. No, because we can always rejoin the crowd when we're feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and --- more importantly --- ready for the world all over again. After all, we need balance. Not just for today, we must remain grateful of our times with other people (especially friends and loved ones) as well as with just ourselves. Why? We can still make our solitary times feel less like lonely times by doing positive things to make ourselves (still) feel happy. Then maybe (and hopefully), we can tell ourselves, "I'm alone for now, but not lonely. This is just my temporary escapade from the world. I'll be back soon." The Author

THE SILENT CHAOS
My head feels overloaded today. I am thinking too much. There are so many things I badly want to do, but so little time. I can't just stay still. I'm very anxious. I must keep moving forward, no matter what. Hmm, let's see. How was my part-time job helping "Snowballs" with their event in Kemang a couple of days ago? Please, don't even ask.:( I sucked at the job, but maybe because it was also my very first time.*blushes* I'm not good with girly-accessories. I'm still not that good dealing with little kids. (I know patience is the key, but mine seems to be rather...thin as a paper.:|) I just needed the money. And I still do. (Well, just who the hell am I even trying to kid here?*rolls eyes*) Well, the catering orders have started again this week. I help? Of course. I'm also still looking for my dream job alone (especially since it's painfully obvious that I can't rely on Gatot's empty promise.*rolls eyes* Oh, whatever. I must still do this on my own anyway.*shrugs*) Tomorrow, I'm going to go to The Indian Embassy in Kuningan with Hani and Mbak Bina. Hani's looking for more information about The Arts and Cultural Scholarship they offer. Me? I'm just resting my brain for a while. I think I'm entitled to --- even for just once in a while.:P *deep sigh* The Author

POPULARITY: FAMOUS OR NOTORIOUS?
Watching teen-flicks like Lindsay Lohan's "Mean Girls" truly gives me the creeps. That first statement might surprise some of you a bit, knowing it's not a horror movie and even when you have already watched it too. But, regarding what we've mostly seen nowadays, that sounds quite sensible and relevant. These days, it seems that many of us --- unconsciously or not --- are gradually drawn into a popularity contest. Although being competitive is natural for human beings, sometimes we tend to forget (or choose to ignore) that we can get things out of proportion. Like some celebrities we all know from our favourite magazines or tabloids, entertainment channels, and regular gossip sessions with our friends in school and at work. Some normally maintain their 'honourable' existence by upgrading their abilities; whether it's starring in more blockbuster movies, producing more best-selling record albums, writing and publishing best-selling novels or even autobiographies, or regularly showing up in social functions and trendy hang-out spots. Others can do something unusual and maybe rather outrageous, like; fighting with other celebrities in public, getting drunk at parties, or even (gasp!) showing the world that they forget to wear their underwears. Perhaps, we don't need to look that far. We may look our surroundings. Check out our own communities, whether in offices or schools. Do we spot those who are (considered) popular? What makes them so famous? Is it because how they look like and dress up? Is it what they do, like how they interact with other people? Or is it because they obviously have followers --- groupies who want to get closer and be like them? Are there those who envy them so much, and only want them down or steal their spotlight --- right there, on the centre of this stage? Or is it all of the above? We may point things out as we desire. Do we want to be famous too? (Of course, who doesn't, right?) But, what kind of popularity do we wish to achieve? There are ways to go out there. There are talent searches and reality shows on TV that give us promises for quick fame and idol status. There are paths to get us noticed. Or, we can start getting to know people around us more, joining a community, and participating in social events. It's all up to us to begin our search, our journey to fame --- but the results are always up to how they perceive us as individual characters. Of course, in our search, we have different purposes, specific goals to accomplish. Some of us are looking for more money (or, should we say, financial independence) and power. Some are expecting appreciation and more respect from others. Some are longing for social acceptance to cure their inner anxiety and insecurity. Some are even only longing for friendship and love to avoid feeling lonely. Some just want it all...more and more. That's alright, as long as we can still separate the difference between true popularity from just being plainly...notorious. But of course, there are some of us already satisfied enough by just being who they really are. They just want simple things, like doing good and being good to themselves and others. Oprah Winfrey's even said in one of her episodes that all she ever wanted was to serve other people with good intentions. After all, each of us is unique. Through hard (and decent) work comes success, but only those few who truly deserve popularity. Once again, we may pick whom as we wish. The Author

SUNDAY BLUES
"How's everything in your country?" "Things are still pretty tense with the coming election around here. Keep me in your prayers, okay?:)" "Always.:)" Yes, Tiger.:| Always. Although I rarely show you that, I am silently worried about you. I hope you are always safe. I hope you'll return to Manchester soon to start college again. .......................... *deep sigh* I received that message from Tiger about a couple of days ago. Thank God.:) Well, how am I doing today? Pretty good, I guess.*shrugs* Just this morning, Dad was nonsensically pissed off about the overly-filled trash-can in our house and Mom just rolled her eyes in obvious annoyance, secretly whispering to me: "Doesn't he do anything else besides overly complaining about mundane stuff?" *scoffs* Yeah, Mom. I have to agree. Maybe next time I'll have my own trash-can, so he can just keep his.*rolls eyes* And my sister just told me this morning that Gatot still hasn't delivered my resume, because...his friend Sem Purba is still in Bangkok.:| When will he return? .......................... *sighs* Whatever. I have no more time and energy to overly fuss about it. I'm still looking for other opportunities, though.*shrugs* Keep moving forward. Well, thankfully...I'm going to be busy tomorrow.:P Delivering catering orders at seven in the morning and preparing myself for the next short assignment at one with the crew of "Snowballs" in Kemang, South Jakarta. And I am sure it's going to be a long day. The Author

THE WAITING
Although my family's restaurant is officially closed, we still have our catering business to hold on to. I still help around, but am also working on my own personal goals. I'm still searching for my dream career, not just a job. A couple of days ago, I asked my sister's boyfriend Gatot if he had delivered my job resume to his friend --- SPICE!'s senior editor Sem Purba --- at MRA Printed Media. His answer? "Tomorrow." "Okay. Thanks." Make sure you really do it quick before someone else gets my dream job, I believe my glaring eyes had silently radiated that to his startled-deer ones. Or you can lose that tiny expectation of yours of having me act nicer to you. Besides, you've offered to help in the first place anyway. And I took it dead seriously. *big evil grin* Ha!:P Honestly, I kind of enjoyed that. Hehe. I also wanted to make sure that it really was his good intention, not just a boast to particularly impress Mom and my whole family even more.*scoffs* Yeah, I know he and I just don't get along since the very beginning. I admit that it's still very difficult for me to really like him like most people around me obviously do (which is why my world's been like my own personal Twilight Zone since he's around.) But I still want to be fair (and also, working in MRA Printed Media is what I truly, badly desire.:|) That night, Dad's relatives came to our house in Tanah Kusir, South Jakarta to celebrate Islamic New Year of Muharram. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling well. I kept sneezing and feeling all woozy. It was probably my allergy to dust.:( I'd been asleep since eight and finally woken up at eleven. I'd stuck around with my family, including my cousins Andin and Mira. We watched this horror flick on TV called "She Creature" --- starring Rufus Sewell (I saw this guy as the leading antagonist in "Bless The Child"). It was based on a mythology of mermaids (and no, they weren't as sweet-mannered and beautiful as redheaded Ariel in Walt Disney's "Little Mermaid".:P) Since yesterday was a public holiday, I'd decided to cut Gatot some slack. But when I told Mom today about my still unsent job resume, she just lightly said, "Relax. At least he's already told his friend there about you. I'm sure you'll get your chance." I hope so too, Mom. I seriously do. The Author

THE IDEA OF A HAPPY LIFE
"What's your idea of a happy life?" Just this morning, I tuned in to 87.6 Hard Rock FM to listen to my favourite local radio talkshow "The Powder Room". Today, they discussed about that question I just started in the first paragraph. As usual, the listeners could text their opinions to be announced on the air. Then, what was my answer? Honestly, it's actually one of the hardest (rethorical) questions. It's not really the same with: "What can make you feel happy?" or "What makes you happy?" Confusing? Maybe. All I know that it took me about fifteen minutes before finally texting my answer. And it wasn't exactly that accurate nor even satisfying --- at least to myself. I figured I didn't want to give a heavily serious answer that might've possibly caused the other listeners to have serious headaches in the morning. So, just for fun, my answer was: "My idea of a happy life is to live without debts and gain financial stability through (freelance) writing." Sounds a little too idealistic to you? Well, it sounds pretty simple to me, although I'm not sure if it also can be (considered) realistic enough. Well, after that, I think that the question can have many different answers. I believe it all depends on what we all really need in life to cure inner anxiety. The list can go on endlessly like our New Year's resolutions if we wish. An insecure teenager's idea of a much happier life is to be more popular in school and (considered) cool enough. A poor's idea of it is to become rich, while the rich's idea is to become richer. The lonely needs company. And sometimes, even the most commited soul in their community longs for solitude to balance their life. But is it possible that we can fully satisfy ourselves with just a little idea of two for a happier life? Are we sure we won't ask for more, like a greedy rich corruptor eating up the common citizen's rights in the country? Maybe, I was supposed to make it less complicated than it should've been. But sometimes, the simplest thing turns out to be the hardest. Like this: "The real idea for a happy life is to stay happy despite the obstacles in real life and be able to also create happiness for other people." Sounds too idealistic to you? Well, I hope not. Besides, isn't happiness what we really need? The Author

THE HOPE
Alright, since I'm officially (still) jobless these days, I'm afraid it's going to be pretty damn hard for me to keep updating my entries as often as I usually do.:| I know it sucks, but there's really not much that I can do right now. I'm still looking for a new job, so...there.:P (Great. Now I'm starting to sound less like myself and more like someone else I know.*giggles* Don't worry, Nick. I don't mean it as a bad thing.;) Besides, you're that special, do you know that?) First of all, good news.:D A few days ago, I finally got to read a message from Tiger, saying he was alright. He's still in Quetta with his family and going to return to UK sometime in the middle of this month. Good for him. He thanked God he wasn't around Karachi nor Sindh when that awful tragedy took place.:| *deep sigh* Alhamdulillah. God, please keep protecting him from any harm. Last Thursday, I hung out with Hani and Mary Jo in Plaza Semanggi and Senayan City. But then, Mary Jo had to leave early, so Hani and I carried on to Plaza Senayan. We hung out until five and then grabbed an early dinner at McDonald's in Senayan Trade Centre. Then we went our separate ways. Just yesterday, Yuki suddenly texted my cellphone, wondering if we could meet before she'd return to Bandung. She and I ended up hanging out all day in Blok M Plaza, having a late lunch in "Es Teler 77" and just mostly roaming around. She told me about her trip to Taiwan, including her hilarious adventure with a fun, crazy American college boy named Max. (LOL!!:P) Her tale really cracked me up. Then we went to Gunung Agung Bookstore. I couldn't resist buying "Marshmallow Coklat" by.Ken Terate, a sequel from her first successful teenlit "My Friends, My Dreams".*gulps* I even told Yuki this: "Don't worry, I will get my new job soon after this." Yuki giggled. "Cool, and then you can make more money again." *big evil grin* Okay, before you start thinking that I might be a little too optimistic about my situation, let me tell you something about my past. Honestly, I was never really a good student. I only love art and literature (although I believe I was pretty good in social sciences as well.) In high school, I'd almost flunked twice. (And I believe I'd driven my parents crazy back then.:P) But, after struggling for a couple of years, I succeeded in my senior year and graduated on time. In college, I'd flunked two classes and had to retake those in my awfully busy senior year. Worst of all, the already (too) hectic schedules often crashed with one another. (Sadly, I even had to drop my favourite cinematography course to fix the major stuff.:|) Frustrated, I once complained to a girl who had graduated a year early: "I'm afraid I'm not going to graduate on time." "Of course you still can," she'd calmly told me. "It all depends on your mentality." The Author

RESOLUTIONS REQUIRED?
"What's your resolution this year?" I'm sure that's a common question we often get to hear every year --- especially sometime around the end of December and the beginning of January. Perhaps we ask that a lot to other people and silently wonder about it as well. Or maybe, we already come up with a long list of resolutions --- with a hope to make them all come true. After all, it's just a part of self-motivation to move forward and become better, isn't it? I'm sure we're already familiar with how this whole idea usually sounds. It starts with: "I will..." and ends with many promises. It's either willing to become more religious, get a dream job, clean up our dirty bedroom more often (yikes!), or maybe...quit smoking and other habits we've already developed for years before. In other words, we just want a good kind of change. (Note: only the sick and twisted who want the opposite, I believe!) The question is: Why do we (still) need for another New Year for that? Why do we need such formality, when in fact changes occur a lot faster than that --- even in seconds? Well, let's say we now have our list of resolutions in our hands (and heads, if you choose to only mentally note as you wish and really writing them down feels like such a waste of time for you.) It's still the beginning of the year. What are we going to do with it? Are we going to treat that like a regular grocery list? Find and grab what's available in front of us first before heading to another counter, or maybe another market? First things first? Or maybe, we decide to relax and wait for a while, especially since we don't actually make specific deadlines for it. The list is still in our hands. It's not going anywhere. We believe that there's still (enough) time. We can always make it up for another year, in case we don't get to do that this time. So, what's it going to be? "Actually, we can always make our resolutions everyday and just do it," said my brother one day. "It's more about the will instead of just the plan." Last year, I called in during my favourite, local radio show "Speak Out" on 104.2 MS Tri FM when they discussed this topic. When Patrick (the host and later became a friend) asked me that, my answer had been rather simple: "I just want to be more productive in my writings and relax. I think that's realistic enough." Of course, once a resolution is fulfilled, it's even better to raise the stakes a bit higher. Stagnation leads to nowhere but self-extinction. I'm waiting for another locally, published work of mine in March 2008 and still writing. This year, I'm after the job of my dreams. I'm working on it. Happy New Year 2008!;) The Author

SURPRISES AND A SHOCKING TRAGEDY
There have been two surprises and a shocking tragedy: 1.Gatot's told Mom that he wanted to help me get the job of my dreams at MRA Printed Media. Surprise, surprise. I've had sensible reasons for not liking my sister's steady boyfriend all the while, but maybe --- just maybe --- he's tired of me silently resenting him and wanting a truce. Well, finally.*shrugs* Since I've always wanted to be a fair person, I'll just accept his good intention. Who knows? Perhaps, one of his friends there could really, really, help me. Maybe I'll get a real job this time. No, that's such a crappy mentality!:x I WILL GET A NEW, BETTER JOB NEXT MONTH --- STARTING JANUARY 2008. There. I hope he'll behave much better in my family after this. Actually, I don't like having enemies myself. But, in order to stay positive while facing another year ahead, I'm just going to say...we'll see. 2.Menti lied to us about her year-end break with her family.:( First, she'd told us that she'd have ONLY gone to Yogyakarta, Central Java for a vacation. But then, we heard a rumour that they also went to Bali. Second, she'd said that her mother-in-law was paying for their holiday trip and joining them too. But when Mom and my brother stopped by at her family's crib in Tanah Kusir, Grandma Ninin came out and greeted them cheerfully. ??? Now, I don't know just what the hell's been going on here.:-S Honestly, I'm confused and rather disappointed. Why did she have to pull such stunt up? I mean, she's told me before that she's got not enough money to cover for the staff's (including MINE!) delayed salary. Of course, Mom and my other aunts Ria, Yanti, and Dewi have suspected something...unpleasant. *deep sigh* Remind me to never work with my own family again.:x Enough said. 3.I still can't believe that Benazir Bhutto was brutally murdered...in public.:'-( Not to be overly gender-biased about it, but she was actually one of my heroes. I even wish that there'll be more brave women out there like her, standing up for rights in the name of humanity. If only I had at least half of her true courage... .......................... Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji 'uun. May your soul rest in peace under Allah's will and His Angels' protection. Tiger, if you're reading this, please let me know. Where are you now? Are you still at home or already back in UK? Are you okay? I'm worried. I love you...:( The Author

CRASH AND BURN
Again, I'm getting short on cash.:( But at least my family and I (plus Aunt Ria who'd showed up in Panglima Polim) and...my sister's boyfriend Gatot (:|) still got to have lunch at Fitria's in Pondok Indah yesterday. All the while, Aunt Ria was being very funny, telling jokes and funny stories to all of us until we cracked up laughing.:) She's just started her new diet program, but I could tell she was obviously still craving for food she wasn't allowed to consume for a moment. Poor lady.:P I guess she actually needs to relax and have more confidence, besides...well, food combining and exercise. (Been there, done that.:P) She also kept reminding me to consistently watch my weight. Of course I will. Hell, yeah!:P With my recent financial situation, it won't be that difficult. You know, I'd rather eat only twice a day (skipping dinner) and save my money for books, cybercafes, and other stuff that I like. I know it's crazy, but it's true.*big evil grin* And I also know it's not so healthy, but what else can I do these days? Well, at least I can still eat (or choose to eat), eventhough not as much as I used to.:P I mean, thank God I'm no longer a hog. Right, this what usually happens when 'm writing with a blank emotion. this entry feels hollow, meaningless. But hey, it's already been done.*shrugs* I don't feel like deleting anything anyway. So, what have I done so far lately? I've sent my job resumes to Dastan Books (again and again, for the umpteenth time:|), Java Jazz International Festival 2008 (my cousin Rizki said it was good money and experience) and Jakarta International Jazz Festival 2008. I've also submitted a poem and a short story (the Indonesian version of "Snapshot" that's been published in www.acwclub.com) to my favourite local magazine SPICE! In other words, I'm way too anxious to just sit still and do nothing.:| I can't. I must do something. I've been more than aware that my family's restaurant is about to fall apart anytime soon. I know that I can't rely on it forever.:( I have no other choice but to just keep moving forward. And I know, I'm being too hard on myself again.*sighs* I'm actually more than (mentally) tired, but I just can't stay still. Reality won't allow me to. Dad's stopped taking care of his own family long ago. Mom's often exhausted, and I'm silently worried about her health. My sister's...well, my sister.*shrugs* My brother's still in college and mostly like me, struggling just to get by. Will next year be better for me? I seriously want to. I'm already utterly sick of being stuck in this same old useless situation. The Author

MY DECEMBER
Alright, before I began, I'd like to recap what I've missed writing since the beginning of this month: December 2: Meeting Mary Jo's friend Samantha for the very first time, after a few text messages. She's a tall, 41-year-old brunette with a nice personality. She was already hanging out with Hani during lunch hour in KFC, Pondok Indah Mall, South Jakarta --- by the time I got there to catch up with them. The three of us had fun until she had to go home at four. I know she's a busy, dedicated accountant --- but I still hope that we can hang out together again.:) We'd stood by to watch a ballet recital and this seriously gorgeous guy singing with a pretty keyboardist playing next to him on a small stage by the store. Before that, Samantha had told me that she didn't really believe that good looks and an angelic voice could've possibly come together in one package...unless if he were Josh Groban.*giggles* Well, that guy had proved her wrong.*big evil grin* Samantha even treated Hani and me to Krispy Kremes before she went home.:D (Hmm, doughnuts!*imitates Homer Simpson's dreamy tone*:P) Then Hani's friend and landlady Mbak Bina came. The three of us hung out again after Samantha left, until it was already dark outside and my time to go home. Since Samantha's single, Hani and I can totally understand those annoying questions most nosy Indonesians love to ask: "Are you married yet?" "Are you still looking for the one?" "Why not? How old are you?" "How come?" .......................... *deep sigh* I know.*rolls eyes* Exhausting, isn't it? December 9: Attending Jiffest (Jakarta International Film Festival) 2007 at Djakarta Theatre, Thamrin, Central Jakarta with Hani and Mbak Bina. (Hani's youngest sister Ragil had finally caught up with us there at night.) We'd gotten to meet Andy, Patrick, and Hardi at Burger King. With Sysyl (who later showed up to join the guys), they watched "Elizabeth" while Hani, Mbak Bina, and I watched "The Namesake". Based on a novel by Indian author Jumpha Lahiri and directed by Mira Nair, the movie tells a simple, funny and also touching story about the clash culture experienced by an immigrant family from India residing in New York. And I seriously want to find the novel!:D Well, since my memory's kind of short --- thanks to my lack of writing lately, those two are the only great events I remember this month.:P I don't know, something else might pop out later.*shrugs* Okay, then what's my recent situation these days? I just turned 26 last month, but still haven't yet received the kind of success I truly desire. My best friend Hani thought it was mostly because I've been so worn out from working at my own family's restaurant for two years --- sadly, with overly long hours and minimum payment.:( I'm also an aspiring, freelance writer and singer. One of my short stories is about to be published locally in an anthology on March next year. Will I get lucky this time? I seriously hope so. I'm afraid to be jobless, poor, and useless. That kind of thought already scares me to death. Like I've already told some of my close friends online, having no money means you're as good as dead. You can do and get no shit. No money, no honey. And I'm not going to let that happen, so I'll keep doing my best here. I'm still applying for a much better job. Well, wish me luck. The Author

SNAPSHOT (a short story)
I'm never bored staring at your snapshot. I've placed it on the wall of my room with sticky tapes. It's by my bed --- on the same level as my head where I lay. Every night, I lie down on my side while staring at your photo --- until sleep takes over my conscience. I love seeing you there. You were smiling brightly, with perfectly straight, white teeth. It was your most spontaneous and sincere smile. I knew you'd never really liked having your pictures taken. I could see from the old photographs of you. You'd barely smiled. Your expression had been rather stiff, as if afraid of facing a gun instead of a camera. I remembered that my comment (which had been intended as just a dumb joke) had somehow offended you. We weren't speaking to each other until I finally apologized and you'd forgiven me. Fortunately, we could never have stayed mad at each other for too long. You'd always been the humorous and forgiving kind. I'd always been grateful by those two qualities in you. Honestly, I'd even wanted to be just like you. Sometimes I got so tired of being feisty and shrilly when I was angry. Besides being noisy and giving people headaches, I might've scared a lot of them. Yes, your calmness and maturity had been able to conquer my explosive temper. With you, I'd always been (compelled to remain) calm. The point is, you'd made me want to be better. Do you know something? My roommate here often bugs me. She loves laughing at my nightly habit. She thinks I'm being silly and pathetic. But I don't care. She can never understand. They're all just the same. This is the only way I can see you. I have no other choice... --- // --- Click! "Hey!" you protested in surprise. That afternoon, your laughter suddenly stopped as I snapped a shot at you. Even so, an amused grin spread across your face. I gave you my devilish grin in return. "That rare smile of yours deserves documentation." "You're crazy," you exclaimed, laughing again. God, I'd always loved hearing that. "I'm not photogenic." "That's why you don't need to strike a pose. Being spontaneous is the main key for anyone to look attractive --- just the way they are." I smiled and winked at you. I put my ancient Nikon camera on my lap. Although I also had a more practical cell phone camera in my jeans' pocket, I preferred using the old-fashioned one for certain scenes. I couldn't even tell why. "Just like you?" Your big, brown eyes were warm, radiating solace that slowly seeped into my soul. "Maybe." I just shrugged, pretending not to care despite my embarrassment. I felt the familiar warmth in my cheeks. Yeah, you knew I have the same problem. I'm barely photogenic myself. My smile still often looks stiff and scary. I guess some things aren't supposed to be forced. It was later proven by your opinion (which had finally come out as brutally honest after I'd forced you to give me, with a promise that I'd never have been easily offended like most women's common reaction.) When I'd showed you several of the old pictures of me, you'd picked one as the best. What was your reason? "Your laughter seems spontaneous, without burden. Sweet." Yes, since then, I believe that only snapshots that can make people who feel not so photogenic like us look great. When I'd told you that one of my friends had taken that while I'd been distracted, your eyes had widened in awe. "Nice snapshot." Your laughter snapped me back from the past. Oh, it embarrassed me more. "You look seriously cute when you're blushing like that!" You quickly grabbed my camera. "Now it's my turn." "Aaargh, nooo!" I screamed in panic, looking away and lifting my arms for protection. Click! Damn it. Now there was my most spontaneous...yet also ugliest snapshot. You laughed again. Crazy! Suddenly, Aqualung's "Brighter Than Sunshine" was playing on your cell phone. You quickly checked its screen and returned my camera. I noticed your sweet smile. Your eyes resembled the calmness of an undisturbed lake, typical for a man in love. "It's her." I smiled and understood. I let you move away a little as you talked to her. Relax, I'd never be eavesdropping on your conversation. You knew me. Although this might've sounded cliché and tad hypocrite, I was a happy girl seeing her best friend in bliss. I had no right to feel jealous of her existence in your life. After talking to her, you smiled at me. "Reva, I've got to go." "Have fun." I gave your big arm a light punch, smiling back and winking at you again. Then, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "She's so lucky to have you...Sam." Aww, that smile again. "Thanks, but she's actually the one to make me feel like the luckiest man in the world. Laters." "Bye." Oh, if only it had been true. For you, I'd have convinced myself that what I'd seen --- although accidentally --- in her was wrong and only in my own imagination. Yes, I was also a secretly grieving and angry girl because of that. I knew what she'd done behind your back. I'd caught her with another man more than once. She'd literally begged me not to tell you. She'd even apologized and sworn not to do that again. I knew that --- as a best friend --- I should've told you. Even though it was actually none of my god damned business, I'd still had to be honest. But, did I have the heart to wipe that happy smile off your face, every time you told me about her? I swear, I could only beg her not to hurt you again. You loved her very much. That was what I'd always reminded her. --- // --- This morning, I woke up to find one annoying problem. Damn it! Who had the nerve to take your photo off the wall? That afternoon, I saw my roommate among the other residents in the garden. She was showing me your photo, with an obviously mocking grin. Furiously, I came over to her. I tried to snatch it off her hand, but she quickly backed off and giggled. Bitch! "Give it back!" I yelled. "It's mine. Give me that!" "Take this if you can..." I lunged at her really hard, your photo thrown off of her grip. I didn't care that she was screaming in pain as I kept slamming her against the ground --- over and over. Instantly, the garden was filled with screams of terror, mixed with chilling cries and menacing laughter. There were also mean-spirited roars, incessantly loud thumping on the tables, and the breaking of the glass. Then, I didn't know why my roommate's face suddenly turned into the face of someone I forever hate the most... --- // --- "Va, patience, Va..." I'd heard that twice. The first time was when I'd had to watch them cover your face with white cloth. Your cut wrists had been bleeding too much. It was too late, they'd said. I had to let you go. So you'd finally found out. I'm sorry... It was all because of her. She'd even had the nerve to show up at your funeral with her fake, apologetic expression. What a hypocrite and a cheap slut! I hated her. It shouldn't have been you... At that time, the very last things I remembered were her broken and bloody face --- and the hands trying to break my grip around her neck... --- // --- Yes, more or less like robust figures in white who had finally dragged me away from my roommate. She was luckier, because she could still grab a nurse's arm in fear. She was now bawling like a little girl snitching to her mother. Meanwhile, I was struggling a lot as they forcefully put a straight-jacket on me. I kicked a man's jaw as he tried grabbing my feet. "Easy, Reva. Calm down!" Then, they finally locked me up alone in a dark, isolation room --- with its soft walls and floor like mattresses surrounding me. There was only little light coming in from under the door and the tiny window on the door. Furiously, I got up and began kicking on the door. "My photo!" I demanded loudly. I didn't even care that my feet hurt and the whole ward would go deaf with my shouting. "I want my photo back!!" One of the figures in white glared at me through the small window. Then...swoosh! Your photo was smoothly pushed in through the gap under the door. Using one foot, I pushed it to where the light shone on. Feeling terribly exhausted, I sat down and tried to regain the control of my breath. I gazed at your photo again, your sweet smile I'd forever miss. I couldn't tell why my rage slowly died down. I began to smile again. Yes, they'll never understand. Only you can make me feel this calm. Too bad, I can never see you again. All I have is your snapshot... -the end-

QUIETLY CHOKING...:'-(
*deep sigh* .......................... Alright, again --- after a very long time --- this will be my last entry for a while.:P After this, I won't be updating (although I'll still try my best to log on as much as I can --- despite the still shitty financial situation I'm in.*rolls eyes*) When will I return? Next year? Yeah, probably --- since it's only a month away from now before 2008. Any New Year plans already? To be honest, I don't know. I'm not even really sure about it yet.*shrugs* I don't actually celebrate New Year's Eve that much anymore. That's not exactly my "New Year", if you know what I mean. Last New Year's Eve, I just stayed over at Grandpa's alone and counted down the seconds in the balcony --- quietly watching the distant fireworks in the night sky while everybody was away. Then I found myself crying while watching this local movie "Heart" (a sad story about a tomboy's unrequited, yet undying love and loyalty for her own best friend, until she's compelled to do anything for his happiness --- including sacrificing her own by letting him be with another girl he loves.:'-|) Then I slept until noon and woke up to walk the quiet streets alone --- having my lonely lunch at a nearby KFC. It was no fun, I know, but I still needed it. I sometimes need some time alone, just to think and self-reflect --- if you know what I mean. This time? Well, like I've said already --- I don't know. I'm not really sure.*shrugs* Hani and her sister Ragil had once asked me that, but I couldn't find the answer. If only my best friend Nick could come this December, maybe I'd know what to do.;):P Or maybe I'll join the sisters instead. But since he can't, I'll just see what I can do later on. If Patrick and friends are inviting me over to join them on New Year's Eve celebration...hmm, it depends.:P If it only involves hanging out and having fun together, maybe I'm up for it. But if it's something religious? No offense, but I still want to keep my own faith here. In the end, we shall see.*shrugs* Last night, I caught my old college pal Pumpkin's profile on Friendster that said: "...living in fear..." Genuinely worried, I texted his cellphone: "I saw your profile at Friendster that said: '...living in fear...' What are you afraid of, dear? Is everything okay lately?" His answer was: "Hey, girl! How are you doing? Aww, thanks for your attention. Well, you know...as we get older, things are more complicated than ever before. But hey, at least I'm still alive and breathing here.:)" True...:| *sighs* I remember three years ago, when I came to sleep over at Pumpkin's room on a Saturday night in Cinere, Lebak Bulus, South Jakarta --- right after Tiger told me he'd wanted to work things out with his now-ex, eventhough she'd cruelly cheated on him.:( (Note: since Pumpkin's gay, I always feel safe rooming with him. Hehe.*big evil grin*) My dear, good old Pumpkin had cheered me up --- telling me just how awfully brave I'd been by confessing my real feelings for Tiger and then later accepting his decision, simply by staying a very supportive friend to him.:) Well, I've never wanted to lose Tiger completely, haven't I? I'm just doing what I know best. All my cards have already been played.*shrugs* Then, Pumpkin and I just spent the rest of that night doing our favourite 'girly-stuff'.:P Chatting, giggling, gossiping, snacking, and even listening to Mariah Carey and Destiny's Child CDs (his favourites, actually, not mine!*giggles*) Just like our good, old but simple college days I truly miss.:) I wish I could just once return to the old days, when love wasn't this complicated and painful.:( "I try to say goodbye and I choke Try to walk away and I stumble 'Though I try to hide it, it's clear My walls crumble when you are not near..." I'm sorry, I'm afraid I just can't lie to God and myself here. I still love Tiger.:'-( Always have and always will... And I have no idea what else to do and how to conquer this... The Author

CHASING DREAMS WITH "THE RAINBOW SOLDIERS" :D
How was my Sunday?:D It was really great. I woke up feeling refreshed and ready. Then, as usual, I left Panglima Polim at sometime around ten to Blok M's bus station. I used the Trans-Jakarta bus to Dukuh Atas, then another to Matraman --- and finally another to Tegalan. I got off there and crossed the bridge to Gramedia Bookstore. The meet and greet session with Andrea Hirata (the author of "Laskar Pelangi" / The Rainbow Soldiers, "Sang Pemimpi" / The Dreamer, and "Endensor") started at one pm --- but I'd gone there way too early. I checked my cellphone clock. It was still 11:20. *giggles* I texted Hani's cellphone to notify her where I was. She replied, telling me she was still on her way there. Since the weather had been so freaking hot outside, I decided to wait inside the bookstore --- with the AC on each floor. I'd spent most of the time roaming around --- browsing for books and stationeries while waiting for Hani and crew to show up. Hani finally showed up with Mbak Bina. It was already less than an hour before the show began. Hani told me that her sister Ragil couldn't come. Since Ragil had already bought "Laskar Pelangi" a week before when we'd gone to the book fair in JCC-Senayan, Hani decided to buy the sequel --- "Sang Pemimpi" --- so it could be autographed by the author himself on the show. I wasn't really sure about buying a novel for myself yet. Thirty minutes before the show, I suddenly felt hungry. It was kind of surprising, because I believed that I'd had enough breakfast to last the whole day (two pieces of delicious cheese-cake, rice and potato buns.:P) I told Hani that and she agreed that she was hungry too. The three of us headed downstairs to the basement where the local restaurant called "Es Teler 77" is. Unfortunately, the place was already packed with oncoming, lunch-hour costumers!:O*gasps* Not wanting to be late for the show (and unable to beat the massive crowd to even just enter the room!), Hani suggested that we return upstairs and then eat after the show. I agreed. Fifteen minutes before the show, Hani's fear was realised. The room was already overcrowded with people. We'd still managed to get in, luckily. Mbak Bina had even amazingly snatched an empty seat somewhere in the middle --- which she ended up giving to Hani, while she chose to kneel behind her. Me? Since I didn't want to be far away from them, I ended up sitting on the floor --- squeezed between the seats and people's feet. (Imagine that, me with my 5'05 ft, bundle of frame.*giggles*) The show had been interesting and also entertaining. Salman Faridi, the senior editor of Bentang (a local publishing company that released Andrea Hirata's novels) was a host for the show. Local actress Wulan Guritno was sort of the spokesperson on-stage, if I'm not mistaken. (Well, I had to agree with Hani about this one, though. What was her actual role in the show?:-S) Andrea Hirata himself turned out to be a calm, humble man.:) He barely acted like some hotshot superstar author or something. Despite the huge, national success of his books --- he remained modest.:P To be honest, I liked him right off --- eventhough I haven't really read or even bought his books yet.*blushes* And, guess what?:D "Laskar Pelangi" has been turned into a major motion picture and will soon be released in my country. I can't wait to see that! Andrea even informed us another good news: A publishing company in Europe is interested in translating "Laskar Pelangi" in English and promoting it all across Europe.*gasps*:O Isn't that great?:D "Have you ever imagined that --- someday soon --- it's going to be you sitting there on-stage like he is right now?" Hani suddenly asked me with clear excitement in her tone. "Of course," I replied confidently, beaming and grinning. "That's why I keep doing what I do." There were also quizzes and poetry-reciting sessions. Too bad the host completely ignored Hani and me whenever we raised our hands.:| We didn't know why. We'd wanted those free books!:( Grrrh!:x Mbak Bina was picked by the host for a spontaneous poetry contest with other four participants (three men and a woman), but she didn't win. But at least Hani won a free T-shirt from the sponsor for her (too) obvious enthusiasm.*big evil grin* Finally, somebody on-stage noticed her, but it wasn't the silly host. It was Andrea Hirata himself.:P Book-signing came right after the show. Of course, Hani got hers authographed too. But, since I haven't read all his books yet nor even bought any, I didn't join at all. I chose to catch up with the senior editor and ask for his business card. Why?:P The reason is simple and totally obvious. Someday soon, I'm going to send in my novel too.*giggles* "Sure, why not?" He'd smiled at me after handing me his business card. I thanked him and left. My head had been spinning crazily...from hunger. Along with Hani and Mbak Bina, we returned to "Es Teler 77". Thankfully, this time --- it wasn't as crowded as before --- but still quite packed. I ended up ordering a bowl of chicken noodles. I was dead starving!:( After that, we returned to the bookstore and...hung out there until seven!:P I finally bought a local novel with the title "5 CM" by.Donny Dhirgantoro. (Well, Hani sort of provoked me into it as well. Hehe.*big evil grin*) We finally parted at seven and I returned to Blok M, using Trans-Jakarta again... The Author

FREAKY FEELINGS...:(
I don't know just what else has gotten to me lately.:( I find myself struggling with the same old, familiar problem again: I am emotionally unstable. .......................... *deep sigh* No surprise, huh?*rolls eyes* But still, I'm trying my hardest to work on it, though. I mean, I hate to hear most men say it in their most annoyingly insulting tone: "Women. Typical," plus the obvious snorting and eye-rolling.*scoffs* And I know that most women will suggest me to check on the calendar, in case this might possibly have something to do with what the scientists have claimed as PMS/PMT or whatever.:P I don't know. Maybe it's true.*shrugs* But even if it really is, I still hate giving into it easily and using it as an excuse to lose control in public for no actual reasons at all. Cursing, screaming, crying, freaking out...you name it.:| I just hate it and myself for it, okay? It's literally like admitting your own weaknesses too openly, and telling the whole world that you're just unable to control yourself --- even as an adult. I have to keep reminding myself that adults are not supposed to lose control like that, let alone in the name of 'hormones'.*rolls eyes* I guess that's why that --- at similar times like this --- I mostly choose to remain calm and quiet as much as possible. Why? Trust me, it's the only solution to keep people from total confusion about me. The last thing I ever want is to open my mouth and end up saying harsh things to people or even exaggerating mundane issues, which I might possibly regret later. No!:x Sometimes (and just sometimes, though), silence is golden. Agree?*big evil grin* Besides, I've heard some guys who declare that: "PMS is not an excuse."*rolls eyes* Well, I can prove them that I can beat it too, although not all the time.*scoffs* Lucky for them though. They don't have to go through this like every freaking month. *sighs* So, why the hell did I almost lose it last night?:(*blushes* Well, it started from when I went online at seven. I was just talking to Nick, when Mom suddenly texted my cellphone. She told me to return to the restaurant immediately, because the kitchen staff had been hecticly busy and the guests were coming. Nobody stood by at the front desk (where I normally am) and my parents and brother had to visit Gatot's father in hospital. (I still silently wish that Gatot could be as nice as his own family mostly are, unlike the way he really is now.:|) By the time I was back at the restaurant, I received a scary notification from Menti's note, handed by Mom. Yesterday's cash in the register machine had been...Rp 5,000 less!:O*gasps* How come? It was impossible, because the last time I'd really checked --- nothing like that had happened! But Mom just said nothing and left. And I'd been silently fighting back my tears --- all night long!:'-( First, I'd lost my break...and now, this... I could tell the puzzled look in my sister's old high school friend Donnie's face when he noticed my red, almost bloodshot eyes. But no, I didn't feel like telling him anything at all. I'd just smiled weakly as he waved goodbye. Then, suddenly --- out of the blue --- I opened the safe box and noticed the miracle ( or was it Mom quietly covering my mess, again? I don't know.*shrugs*) The total amount of money last night was...over Rp 5,000. No kidding. I'd nearly gone hysterical. Was I just in another freaking Twilight Zone or what? Anyway, after closing the restaurant at nine, I didn't feel like questioning Mom or Menti about the mysterious extra five grand. Hell, I'd been too exhausted to even care. Yeah, that's right. Why bother? Problem's solved. Case closed.*shrugs* While waiting for my family's return, I just crept upstairs to The Almost Twins' shared room and straight into bed. I didn't feel like returning to the cybercafe, watching TV or new season of "Heroes" DVDs. Too tired...*yawns hugely* This morning, Menti didn't say anything about the money. Good. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'm still terribly exhausted...*yawns* It's a good thing that I'll be going out with Hani and crew tomorrow.:) The Author

THINGS THAT (CAN STILL) MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY :P
Alright, it's been a while since the very last time I challenged myself to really do something this rare: Making a list of things that (still) make me feel happy.:P Now, in order to alter my cloudy mood these days --- I'll try that again. Oh, no. Wait! 'Trying' sounds awfully pathetic.:|*scoffs* I'll have to do better than that.*rolls eyes* So, shall we make the list a top ten?:P Five?? Three??? Okay, that's even more pathetic. But, come to think of it, I think I have a much better idea about this: I'll just write whatever comes to mind first.*giggles* That'll be much easier. Okay, so here we go: 1.Reading "The Thief of Baghdad" by.Alexander Romanoff.*giggles* Why? It's just dead funny.:P I know it's actually a really, really old story (plus has been filmed four times in the history already!:O*gasps*) --- but hey, I've just had my chance right now. It's very entertaining, and I don't know if I can really write such an adventurous, fantasy epic filled with sweet, subtle romance a la Middle Eastern and comedy in it. (Hmm, maybe I should practice with the RPG again.:P) 2.Writing.:P I believe I've written the reasons many times before. It's been my therapy. I can let my soul escape reality --- even if it's only temporarily. 3.Singing.:D Same as the reasons for the reasons number two.:P 4.Listening to rock music.:D I'm channeling my inner tomboy. Hell, yeah!*roars* 5.Talking to Tiger and Nick.;) What can I say? These guys truly make me feel happy. They can understand me. They make me smile more often than I can remember actually. 6.Hanging out with Hani and crew.:P Oh, yeah!:D They're like my companions in escapade. Wherever we are, we're surely having fun together. They often inject optimism in me, although I know that their own lives are not exactly problems-free either. (Well, everybody has problems everyday, I know.:P After all, this is just life, right?*big evil grin*) 7.Just today, my sister just bought my brother and me some tasty pastries from "Harvest" while purchasing a birthday cake for Gatot's three-year-old Alvin (the kid's such a darling.:) ) Well, this is rare, but I still thank God for this anyway. Just seven?:P Oh, well. I think it's still much better than nothing at all, right? Well, I can't hardly wait for another Sunday.:D I'm going with Hani and her crew to meet and greet with Hani and Ragil's favourite local author Andre Hirata in Gramedia, Matraman, Central Jakarta at one pm... The Author

NICK, TIGER, AND THE STRAWBERRY JUICE...:P
I've started today with this big smile on my face all day.:D I just talked to both Tiger and Nick --- online!:D What could be better than that? Well, too bad Tiger doesn't own a webcam there, so I still couldn't see him live online.:P But still, it felt so damn good to talk to him again. It always does.:D And Nick, I'll be happy if you ever really get to visit me here.;) You're my pal, and I'll be glad to welcome you in my hometown. So, I hope that time will come soon enough. I've also visited the bank again to save some of the money given by Tiger.:P I must save some of my important assets --- eventhough just a little, regarding these days. You see, I hardly shop anymore. I seldom go out as well. Boring, huh?*rolls eyes* And believe it or not, I've just consumed...*gulps* left-over from the costumer this afternoon.:| You might think that's tad gross, but some dude just complained about the sugar in his strawberry juice. ("No, Sir. We didn't put the sugar in it, just like you asked."*scoffs*) In the end, we'd had to make him another and that two-third glass belonged to me.:P I just hated to see it have to go to waste. *deep sigh* Well, what can I say? There's nothing so utterly glamourous (sp?) about my life these days.*shrugs* I'm just an ordinary girl from a slum area, trying to gain my way to success. And this girl desperately needs a new, more stable job.:P The Author

SHUKRIYA*, TIGER...:'-)
Well, I've just had my good excuse to escape from work today.:P I can't lie to myself that my (still) delayed salary happens to be the problem I've been so moody at work lately. But hey, I'm still looking for another job here. Tiger called me again last night.:D I often feel bad to have him worry quite much about me, but...however, his lovely voice and jokes had cheered me up again. I wish he and I would be in the same place to lietrally hang out together.:| I truly want that to happen, God --- even if it's only for once in my life. He means this much to me... So, anyway --- I visited SPICE!'s office in Kosgoro Tower, Thamrin, Sudirman, Central Jakarta to grab another item I've won in their recent contest.:D I've won a debut CD from a new local, pop jazz singer named Andity, with her album title "Beda" (Different). I'm not really much of a jazz enthusiast, but I know that The Almost Twins like this musician. I've also met SPICE!'s chief editor Ms.Jessica Huwae on the elevator. (Thank God, there was no such 'incident' today!*big evil grin*) I was surprised --- and also flattered --- that she still remembered me.:) I've checked with the bank today. Last weekend, Tiger had called me to inform me about the money he'd transferred for my birthday gift through Western Union. And he seriously did.:O*gasps* I love you...:'-)...Shukriya*... The Author *Shukriya:Thanks (in Pakistani language)

A QUICK WEEKEND...
I'd like to write more here in this entry, but...I just don't feel like going into details as I usually do.:P I don't know, maybe I'm just really not in the mood today. So, I'll just give you a short recap: Last Saturday, I woke up with a swollen right eyelid.:( It had been pretty sore too, bitten by some bug while I was asleep. The best thing about my Saturday night was a good call from Tiger.:D He'd cheered me up, as always. Come to think of it, it's rather ironic to me. These days, happiness seems so far away.:( It also feels so rare, because I don't seem to get that a lot lately. *deep sigh* Yesterday afternoon, I went to a book fair in Assembly Hall and Main Lobby of Jakarta's Convention Centre, Senayan, Central Jakarta with Hani, her sister Ragil and landlady Mbak Bina.:) They're my favourite hang-out crew.;) Although I personally thought that the book fair this time wasn't as good as the last one Hani, Ragil, and I had gone to in Istora Senayan, it was still a perfect escapade for me. So perfect I didn't feel like going home at all (although in the end, I had to.) So perfect I just wanted to disappear in thin air among the crowd... Anyway, I ended up buying "The Thief of Baghdad" by.Alexander Romanoff. (And I've heard it was funny.:D) Ragil bought "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers) by a local author named Andre Hirata. Hani bought an Australian horror novel. I'm curious to read all of those too...:P And today, I feel nothing but absolute numbness from within...:| The Author

THE ELEVATOR INCIDENT :P
I had no idea that today would be more than just ordinary.:O I went with Menti to deliver catering orders and food samples to our clients this morning. The second destination, I'd used the elevator to the eleventh floor. At first, everything was just normal. But when it was just me and this plump lady in a black cardigan left, something totally unexpected suddenly happened. The elevator's double-doors just wouldn't open. No kidding.:| The elevator just passed my destination. "Hey!" *gulps* "Damn!" Plump Lady muttered. Since I was standing much closer to the buttons on the wall, she deliberately ordered me, "Hit the emergency!" I'd panicked --- and ended up doing something really stupid. I pushed the wrong button --- for shutting off the elevator.*blushes* "No, not that!" yelled Plump Lady furiously. She then pushed me aside and turned the elevator back on. However, it was all too late. The elevator now was already jammed. Then, giving me a scowl, Plump Lady scolded me, "You shouldn't have done that." Okay, my bad. I'm sorry.*rolls eyes* I said nothing, though, because I could already feel my panic starting to rise from within me. (Note: I'm claustrophobic.:|) I let her hit the emergency button and demand immediate help. The operator seemed to take it lightly, though, and I think he was lucky enough that he wouldn't have had to see me in person.:x He'd just simply told Plump Lady and me to remain calm and wait patiently. Great.:| Perfect. It took them about twenty minutes or so, before Plump Lady and I were finally rescued.:P My legs had been wobbly, so I sat down a couple of times with the food samples in my hand --- trying my best to calm my nerves.:( I'd felt weak and hated it. My fingers were cold and sweaty, and there was this sick, sinking feeling in my gut. But no, I wouldn't let myself vomit or even faint. It would've only made things worse if I had. Luckily, Plump Lady was calm enough to comfort me. She'd successfully distracted my thoughts by making me talk. She'd mentioned something about her being late for work and a not-so-understanding boss. She'd even told me about how she'd been stuck in an elevator before, but she'd been all alone and completely freaking out to the emergency phone. "Thank God, at least I'm not alone this time. It scares me less." Ha-ha. It's actually a good thing that she could still stay that positive, while I started imagining the worse. (Fire? The fall?? Oxygen deficiency??? Okay, just name them all.:|) I'd texted Menti to notify her about my situation. Plump Lady was also checking her cellphone, complaining about her kid who had somehow deleted important numbers from her list so she couldn't contact anybody from her office. But she was also still sane enough to be funny. We'd traded light jokes and giggled for a while. Then we fell quiet when the double-doors were being forcefully parted from outside. It didn't make me feel better to know that...we were actually still stuck in between floor 15 and 16.*gulps* It reminded me of "Speed" and "Final Destination 2".:O The doors only parted slightly, though, and I could see half of a guy's face peek in and hear him say, "Ladies, one moment and soon we'll get you out, okay?" Hurry, please.:( Then the doors were closed again. Plump Lady asked me playfully, "Do you think it's going to be like in the movies, where they literally ask us to climb up the floor and out of this elevator?" "Ha, no way!" I shook my head. "If the elevator suddenly works again while we're in the process of climbing up like that, we'll definitely be split in halves!" Ewww!:-S Okay, I know that was a gross image. "Damn, they should know that we could die from lack of air anytime here." "Please, don't remind me that," I begged her weakly. Then, when the elevator started to hum softly and work again, we felt so relieved.:D Thank God! We were finally let out in the fourteenth floor. Phew!*huffs* Plump Lady suggested using another elevator, but...no, thanks.:P I think one incident was enough for today. I'd rather take the stairs. Fine, you can call me silly or whatever.*rolls eyes* I don't care anyway. When I apologized to the clients for the delay and the reason behind it, they were stunned. They said the building's manager had already been notified about the elevator, but no serious action was taken yet. One of the clients even told me that it had happened to her too --- twice already. Man...:O*deep sigh* The Author

TEMPORARY INSANITY
I've woken up and gone to the restaurant early today. But somehow, I've managed to steal a little time to catch my sleep on the couch in the restaurant in the morning.:P Well, the result was pretty much disastrous to my poor head, though. Still, I knew I was still sleepy, so I just gave in easily to my tiredness. I had another strange, scary nightmare.:| So strange and scary, until it felt as if I'd been asleep for hours and unable to wake up anymore. I found myself lying on and strapped tightly to the table. (The table sort of reminds me of the one in the surgery room or somewhere in a sci-fi sequence.:P) I was somewhere outdoor where strangers passed me by. The sky was bright and blue with the warm sun. But still, I found myself unable to move and speak. I couldn't even blink. Worst of all, I felt strangely suffocated --- eventhough I wasn't being gagged in the mouth. And I couldn't stop myself from crying.:'-( I felt the warmth in my face, although the rest of my body went icy-cold. The tears kept flowing through the corners of my already tired eyes. Even my nose was runny. I tried my best controlling my breath. Help me, I'd wanted to scream, but no voice came out. The strangers around just mostly watched me, as if I was only part of their favourite freakshow. Some just walked on, but many others stopped by and stared hard at me. Nobody released my straps. Nobody even bothered to at least just wipe my tears away. No. They just stared at me in dead silence, giving me the creeps...*shudders* And the scariest part was that they had no faces at all!:O No eyes, no noses, and no mouths. Just their skin --- all flat on where their faces should've been, spotless like fresh papers or new canvases. But somehow, I knew that they were still staring at me. Then my eyes started to burn and sting. I'd forced my head to slowly move sideways despite the sudden headache. To my left, I could see a clock tower standing tall and solid across the busy street. But its hands were moving rapidly I could barely tell the time. And I still couldn't blink at all. My eyes hurt really bad. Help...:'-( The next thing I knew, my tears had turned to...blood.*gulps* Well, how did I find out about that? When I looked to my right, I saw a glass door and windows of a building. (A store? An office??:-S) I caught my reflection, seeing gory red streaks down the side of my face... That was when I suddenly heard Mom's voice --- somewhere in the distance, calling me over and over again. But she was nowhere in sight. I just kept hearing her demanding voice. I opened my mouth and tried to scream, but my voice was still stuck in my throat. Mama, tolong...bangunin aku...:'-( (Mom, help...wake me up...) Finally (which had almost felt like eternity:|), I forced myself to wake up completely. Then I could hear Mom even louder this time, so I got up and rushed to the kitchen to find her, ignoring my still dizzy head. "Menti needs your help to deliver the catering orders." All day, I've completely forgotten about the dream...until now, when I'm alone.:| *shudders* Now I can't really explain just what's going on with my head. I mean, I'm sure that my scary dream could pretty much symbolize all of it, but...*deep sigh* I just can't put it into words. Well, that's rather an ironic statement, because I still believe that I write much better than than I talk. I can't believe this.:( Now I'm completely lost in my own, twisted labyrinth of thoughts. They're all like being in a crazy, non-stop roller-coaster ride that makes you want to throw up --- although your stomach's already empty. Or, a light stroll in the park on a sunny day alone before an unexpected punch on your beaming, smiling face. WHAM! Just like that. Is this a sign of my depression?:( Should I go see a therapist or just shake these stupid feelings off, assuming they're nothing and I'm just being silly? *sighs* I don't know. I really don't. But there's still one thing I'm sure. I must believe in it anyway, as always.*shrugs* It's only temporary.:| Soon, this insanity will all just go away and everything will go back to normal. And I'll be okay. I have to. The Author

THESE DAYS...:(
A couple of nights ago, Tiger suddenly called me again.:D That was totally out of the blue. I was sooo happy! We'd talked for about an hour and a half or so, from the time I was still just logging off in the cybercafe, walking a block away back to the restaurant, until heading upstairs to The Almost Twins' shared room. (Mom and I had stayed overnight for catering orders.) I'd had to be careful not to be too noisy, though, because Mom and my sister were already asleep. (I'm actually quite tolerant, but I guess you can already tell what usually happens when the tables are turned.*big evil grin*) Of course, when Tiger asked me about my recent 'domestic situation', I didn't feel like telling him...at all.:( Why? Well, first of all, I'd just had my cellphone plugged in, because the battery was almost out. Second, Mom and my sister could've possibly heard and understood just every English word I'd muttered under my breath.*rolls eyes* And third, I didn't want to start crying again.:( Enough. He could detect that through my shaky voice, but understood why I didn't even want to talk about it. Because if I'd let myself even start, I might've possibly become completely incoherent and out of breath. So, no. Besides, his deep, heavy voice has always soothed me enough.:) It gives me this familiar sense of comfort and...peace. Well, I can't say much about these days. I've been feeling all shitty at work, but I guess that's just to be expected.*rolls eyes* First, the rest of my salary is still badly delayed (and again --- I must understand that.:|) Second, the management's been rather too unhealthy for my working environment. The awful mixture of business and personal issues have become way too unbearable. Mom and Menti aren't really speaking to each other...professionally anymore.:| Ugh!:x It's difficult when you're surrounded by grown-ups who obviously just can't be in each other's faces anymore (I mean, being true to each other.) It's like...*deep sigh* one person tells you one thing and another says differently. It's like nobody really listens to anybody anymore. I mean, who says honesty is easy?*scoffs* Ha-ha!*sarcastic tone* Are you kidding me?:P And how long will this little charade go on? I don't know. To be honest, I'm not even sure.*shrugs* I just know that --- these days --- I am sitting right in the middle of the ticking time bomb. .......................... And I am afraid that it will explode soon.:| I know, stuff like this just can't be put off nor avoided easily. I've found myself in a similar situation before --- sometime long ago. I may be quiet, but I still notice things. "These days, the stars seem out of reach..." And I don't know what to do...:( The Author

A MOVIE ON SUNDAY :)
Yesterday, I went to see the premiere of "The Bratz" with Hani at ten am in Plaza Senayan, Central Jakarta.:) I'd gone from Panglima Polim at nine to Blok M's bus station, before using the Trans-Jakarta bus. I'd met Hani in front of Ratu Plaza before finally walking together to Plaza Senayan. It's a huge block away. Hehe.:P So, how was the movie?:) It was pretty good, I guess. It's a light, teenage musical comedy. Honestly, I'm not that familiar with The Bratz dolls. I just know it's Barbie's competitor.*shrugs* I also find their big heads and eyes tad ridiculous, although their cool and hip fashion sense is totally different from Barbie's classic style. But overall, the plot was okay. I've always been the one against shallow, seterotypical judgement. At first, I'd thought I might've been more like Yasmin --- the shy brunette who loves singing.:P But then, I've realised that there's a little four of them in me. I'm such a klutzy dork like Chloe, but also feisty like Sasha (well, although I'm not exactly the cheerleading type.*big evil grin* I've never been a cheerleader and I just don't even dance that well.) And, although I'm not exactly an ace student nor even a fashionable girl, I still can relate to Jade's slightly rebellious attitude.;) I hate it when most people just judge each other from the way they dress. And, if you can do two different things at a time (and also as long as it's good), then...why not?:P After the movie, Hani and I headed to the food-court --- because I was terribly hungry.:| I forgot to have my breakfast. I ordered rice and fried chicken katsu and a glass of iced orange juice from Goiza. Hani didn't feel like ordering anything, though. I knew she didn't really fancy the place, especially since it was crowded with typically Sunday visitors.:P So after that, we'd walked out of the building together to find what she pleased. She ended up choosing McDonald's in Senayan Trade Centre. She ordered Coke and fries, while I couldn't resist chocolate sundae and another bottled water --- despite my still itchy throat. Hehe, I know.:P Naughty me.*big evil grin* Then I showed Hani the library in Senayan. Too bad it was closed.:| We passed Wall Street Institute in Ratu Plaza, and --- somehow --- I couldn't resist texting Patrick's cellphone: "Hani and I just went to see the premiere of 'The Bratz' in Plaza Senayan.:P Are you still at work?" His answer had been short: "Yep, until 6." Awww, poor Patrick!:P Maybe I shouldn't have bugged him like that in the first place. Sorry, pal.*blushes* Hani wanted to visit any bookstore available nearby, so I suggested Gramedia in Blok M. While we were on Trans-Jakarta, we were talking in...English. (This has been our habit since we started being friends.*giggles*) A large man sitting next to me had thought that my English was good.:P But he'd also said that my coughing was rather disturbing.:| Then, suddenly --- to our surprise --- he gave us papers about...*gulps* alternative medication. Since we'd wanted to stay polite, we just smiled at him and I said thanks.:P However, when the bus finally stopped at Blok M's bus station, I intentionally let him get off first with the rest of the rushy crowd. He was obviously wanting to wait for us. When Hani wanted to get out too, I quickly grabbed her arm and hissed, "No, wait!" She hesitated. Then, when he finally gave up waiting for us and disappeared, we finally got out. Sorry, but I just didn't feel like adding a drug salesman to my Sunday activities.:P But of course, I'd wanted to introduce Hani to Nick online.:D We stopped by at a cybercafe for that, so Nick could see us on webcam and vise versa.:) We'd been there for thirty minutes before finally heading to Gramedia. We'd spent about an hour or two there until the sky out there finally darkened. Then we returned to Blok M's bus station. Hani bought herself a bottle of Mizone and a can of Coke, while I chose a bottle of Pocari Sweat. Since we'd been exhausted and also sweaty from the trip, we decided to sit down for a while by the stairs in Tunnel 2. Hani and I finally parted at near six. She took a bus home while I was walking a few blocks back to the restaurant. I thanked God that it hadn't rained until I finally reached my destination.:P But it turned out that I couldn't get away that easily. A neighbour ordered a delivery and Mom appointed me. So I quickly grabbed my brother's oversized, black hooded jacket and headed outside with the package. Fortunately, the rain had slowed down a little. Since it was already night-time and I'd put the hood on --- with my hair-strands sticking out and covering half of my face --- I believe I'd freaked the neighbour out when he opened his door for me.*giggles* Hehe, a delivery girl from a horror movie.*big evil grin* The Author

THE RAINY SATURDAY AND THE LOVELY PHONECALL ;)
Right, where do I begin?:P Despite the damn flu and the sore throat, I still had to go to work early today. (And just this afternoon, somebody has cared for me enough to protest this on the phone.;) Aww, I'm feeling touched, really.) Why? We've gotten catering orders in the morning and my brother could use my help. Menti had to watch her kids at home because their nanny suddenly had to leave early. Mom was helping Aunt Dewi with her own catering business. Plus, Dad's also ill at home (and I think he's gotten that from me.:P) The good thing was, I'd gotten to catch Tiger online for about thirty minutes.:D I thanked him for the cute, animated birthday card he'd sent me earlier. (I LOVED IT!!!:D*giggles*) He was concerned for my health when I told him about the fever.:) How sweet. But then, he had to go because he had another plan with his flatmate. Thankfully, Menti finally gave me a quarter of my actual salary.*sighs* Oh, well. At least it was still much better than nothing at all. I mean, Hani and I are going to watch the premiere of "The Bratz" tomorrow morning at ten in Plaza Senayan. I need the money for the public transportations. And I also need to pay my Rp 13,600 debt back to Hani.*blushes* After delivering the catering orders, my brother drove me to our favourite food stall "Rompal's Fried Chicken" in front of my old high school. We had our delicious brunch there. (Ever tasted fried cauliflower?:P) Then we returned to the restaurant. Nick called me for practically over two hours!:D He's made me smile and forget just how dead boring my job's really been these days. Time flew by. Now I can't help but smiling.;) Man, just look what you've done to me!*giggles* Tonight, I'm going to crash with The Almost Twins upstairs. To be honest, I don't even care if Gatot's around. He's not Grandpa's grandkid, which means I have more right to stick around than he really does.*rolls eyes* I don't care if my sister's unhappy with that. Mom's suggested me and so has my brother. Besides, it's geographically sensible --- since Plaza Senayan is much closer to Grandpa's house than my parents' in Tanah Kusir. Well, I guess that's all for now.:P The Author

THE FEVER PITCH
Alright, I know it's been almost a week since the last time I went online to update entries. I'm going to try my best to make a quick recap here (especially since my stupid hands are still rather shaky from the aftermath of the damn fever.:|) Well, here we go: November 4th: My 26th birthday.:) It wasn't so bad. Nick was the very first person to have greeted me with his text message (that had woken me up at sometime around three in the morning!*giggles*) Then, Hani's text came at five. Then my family greeted me in the morning. We'd gone to Dad's relatives' gathering in Pondok Kelapa, Kali Malang, East Jakarta that day. Nick suddenly called me and we'd talked for almost an hour!:D Since I'd been in the car with my family, they couldn't resist teasing me. (Grrh!:P) Maybe it was just my own, fake British accent that had somehow amused them all over again. Hehe.*big evil grin* The Almost Twins and our 18-year-old cousin Mira had suddenly disappeared for a while during the day, while Mira's older sister Andin stayed to make sure I wasn't too suspicious. It turned out that they'd bought this delicious chocolate cake to surprise me on the way back.:D Cool! But I'd gone a little skittish when the elders noticed the candles. "You're 26 already?" Uh-oh.:| No, please. Don't ask me that. Don't start asking me... Thankfully, they finally got themselves distracted by other people. I was officially off the hook. Phew!*huffs* Even when my sister discussed marriage "stuff" with our other older cousin Raka, I quickly backed off and kept quiet.:P It's not that I fear commitment. I just don't like how they press and press single women about marriage, as if it's the only thing in the world that can bring true happiness and more respect from other people. I mean, come on! Give me a break. I don't need that kind of insecurity, okay?:x I've already gotten (too much) bigger problems these days and I don't need more. Other text messages from Menti and the family and also Mary Jo quite cheered me up.:) November 5th: Back to work.:( Believe it or not, my salary was still delayed.*rolls eyes* I used my very, very last Rp.10,000 to print the contract draft out. Sweet...in a sarcastic way. Again, I was literallly asked to understand. Business has been too damn slow. Okay. *deep sigh* Oh, well. Do I have any other choices these days? No?? God??? November 6th: Back to work again.:( My salary? Oh, God.*rolls eyes* Please, don't ask. I finally got the chance to discuss the contract draft with Yose. She'd suggested me to call Ms.Dewi Cendika as the second coordinator, but I didn't get the chance to. Plus, I began to feel worse.:( My throat was itchy and my head felt as if it was about to explode. I hated that!:x Grrh! When my body temperature gradually dropped, I had no choice but to grab my brother's oversized, gray hooded coat and put it on. He didn't mind, though. November 7th: Andin came to the restaurant in the morning to deliver my sister's ordered vintage blouse (my sister dug Mira's brown one so she'd asked the sisters to find her another and --- of course --- she'd promised she'd have paid soon.*big evil grin* Well, we'll see.*shrugs*) She'd also given me my belated birthday present!:D I love the vintage blouse for me. I know it's girly, but it suits me well. Besides, my wardrobe mainly consists of regular tees.:P And I finally got to call Ms.Dewi Cendika to discuss the conract draft. But then, after half a day, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stop sneezing and Mom finally let me rest. I'd planned to take at least one or two hour nap, but then...guess what?:P I found it very difficult for me to even wake up completely. I couldn't stop shivering, even under my brother's coat and the blanket too. I only regained little consciousness once in a while whenever somebody entered the room. Thankfully, nobody even bothered to wake me up. I only woke up finally when my brother entered the room and turned the TV on. "Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith" was on, so I forced myself to sit up and watch it too. The ending was sad, although it was to be expected that Annakin Skywalker would become Darth Vader in the next trilogy. But still, I didn't know why my tears were still falling.:'-( It was so hard to explain my own emotions; exhaustion? Stress?? Anger??? All of them in one???? I wasn't sure.*shrugs* My brain hardly works properly when I'm ill.*blushes* Good news of the day: SPICE! called to notify me that I've won two tickets to see the premiere of "The Bratz" this Sunday at ten am in Plaza Senayan, Central Jakarta. Good.:) Finally, something to make me feel a bit better. November 8th: Got the tickets from SPICE!, but still waiting for my salary.:( Today: I WANT MY SALARY!!!:'-( The Author

SO HOLLOW...
I'm not sure that I'm going to have the time writing anything tomorrow, so I'm doing this today.:P I've just re-read the contract draft from the publishing house, and now --- I still haven't had the chance to print that out and discussed it with Yose yet.:|*blushes* I know, I'm not supposed to slack off like this. Every second always counts, no matter what you do or not. The deadline of the publishing of the anthology is March 2008.:O I must hurry. After that, well...*crosses fingers* let's just hope for a good selling, okay?:P Good enough to help my screwed up financial situation, hopefully. Honestly, I'm now way too (mentally) exhausted. Have I told you that my salary's had to be delayed this month, thanks to the super slow business lately? WOOHOO!!*sarcastic tone* And the bitch is, I can't really complain to anybody right now. It's my family's business. Well, who says you're always lucky when you're part of the family who runs this restaurant? That's what most people assume of me. Big money? Ha-ha, are you kidding me?:P It's bigger tolerance, actually. I'm the one who takes a couple of shifts daily with almost no day-offs (well, unless if I apply for one in a week or so --- which I can and already have once in a while.) Alright, alright, I'll stop complaining now.:( God, I must write something better than this. How pathetic!*rolls eyes* Tiger has always complimented me for being so practical and independent.:) That means, if I can't earn enough money in just one place, then I'll find other ways. That's just the way it goes in my reality.*shrugs* You know you don't always get what you want, but that just doesn't give you the right to only sit around and bitch about your life. Do something! That's why I'm also planning to send my job resume to Dastan Books...again (especially because they have vacancies open again --- up to November 10.:D) I want to be either an editor or a freelance translator. Who knows I might get lucky this time? I mean, I must remain strong and optimistic, right? *deep sigh* I don't know.:( I'm going to turn 26 tomorrow. It's going to be a "Happy Birthday To Me", right? Yay. Yippee! Damn, why do I sound so hollow today?:| This isn't right. But, maybe it's also because my family and I are going to Dad's relatives' gathering tomorrow. No, it's not that I'm not happy to see them all. But, if they --- especially the nosy elders (no matter how good-intended they claim to be!) --- find out it's also my 26th birthday tomorrow, I'm afraid they're going to start giving me these familiar, annoying questions and comments that might ruin my mood the entire day: Got a boyfriend yet? No? How come? (Grrh!:x) When will you get married? Don't wait too long, okay? Don't be too picky. Not hearing any of those tomorrow will be my greatest birthday gift.:| And no, I'm so not kidding you here. *rolls eyes* The Author

BLESSINGS FOR TIGER AND ME :D
I've just received two other special gifts from God today.:D First of all, Yose finally sent me the important contract draft via e-mail attachment from the publishing house. Second, since I've gotten out of home earlier than usual, I went online. To my surprise, suddenly and totally out of the blue...Tiger came online too!:D YAY! We've talked for almost over couple of hours. I kind of teased him about a female costumer who'd stopped by at his working place one day whom he was attracted to.:P (Fyi, I found out about this from one of his latest entries.*giggles*) It turned out that she was also a mother, because she'd brought her taller son with him.*big evil grin* Then our joking around with each other continued. It felt so damn good, just like old times.:) To be honest, talking to him has always made me feel happy. I know that he feels the same way too, because he's often told me that. But, I'm afraid I have no choice but to have agreed with him. He and I have already agreed not to push too much about the concept of..."us" in the future, despite our true feelings for each other.:| No, we don't have many choices left right now, thanks to the stupid distance here and...her. The last thing in this whole wide world I ever want is to have to cause him such pain --- the way she already has.:( Just so you all know that I still can't and won't forgive that dumb bitch for ever hurting him like that. But surely (and thankfully), there are still lots of other things to celebrate about him and me today.:) He and I are still best friends, and hopefully will stay that way. We are still talking (while he and his stupid ex aren't anymore.*big evil grin*) No, seriously. We've been through hell and back, our ups and downs for over three years already --- and guess what? Look where we are now.:D Isn't this amazing? Plus, Tiger is enjoying his single status now.:) I've never heard him sound so...free before. It's like, no more painful burden left upon him. He's happy again, almost like before he'd ever met her.:D I think, somehow...God's answered one of my prayers again. Remember? I've always wanted him to be happy --- even without me. It's like that single verse in my own poem I wrote for him, called "Split Screen": If this life were a reality show, I wish the two of us would appear fairly on a split screen. Then the audience at home could see if you were really there and happy even without me. And I'm really glad.:D Honestly, if he's truly happy, then I am happier. Amen. Well, Tiger's also thinking about visiting me for real someday.:) Cool. I really need to see him for real too, even if God only gives me just one shot in my lifetime. The Author

GRANDPA'S SURPRISE GIFT :'-)
Do you believe in God's miracles?:) I do. I mean, always have and always will. Yesterday, I was once again reminded of God's glory. It was raining quite a lot yesterday. It was pretty much windy too. While I was still at work, Grandpa's male nurse Mr.Slamet suddenly gave me a summon from Grandpa. Since it was still dead quiet in the restaurant and only Dad was around, I left my desk for a while. I approached Grandpa who'd been sitting on the front porch. Not wanting the soft but quick raindrops to hit him, I stood in front of him to literally block them. He'd looked up and smiled at me. Then he asked Mr.Slamet to bring him his wallet. The next thing I knew, Grandpa handed me a Rp.50,000 bill...for an early birthday gift. *gasps*:O OMG. Then, Grandpa's smile slowly faded. He'd looked as if he was about to cry anytime soon, so I quickly held his wrinkly hand and kissed its back --- holding back my own tears. "Thank you, Grandpa." And I'm sorry for not caring for you that much.:'-( I love you. Then, Mr.Slamet led Grandpa back to his room. I just stood there for a moment, holding the bill and staring at the gloomy sky. Alhamdulillah...:'-) The Author

SUNDAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND TODAY...:P
*huffs* Alright.:P Where must I begin? Last Sunday was quite fun.:) I'd hung out with Hani all day and night long. It turned out that Mr. Ajit Vahadane --- the Indian guy we'd planned to meet in Fatmawati, South Jakarta that afternoon --- was returning home late, so we'd spent the day at D'Best, Blok M, and then back to Fatmawati again at sometime before six pm. From there, we'd walked straight to Mr.Vahadane's house in Abu Serin. (And all the while, I was still so fucking broke, so I ended up owing Hani Rp 13,600 for lunch, a bottle of Mizone, and bus trips.*blushes* I know she was kind enough to offer me to pay most of it all since knowing my financial situation, but I still feel bad.:( I must repay her A.S.A.P.!) Mr.Ajit Vahadane owns an event organizer that runs painting exhibitions for Indian artists in Jakarta, Indonesia. Hani and her landlady/friend Mbak Bina have already attended two --- one in Cikini, Central Jakarta and another in Darmawangsa, South Jakarta. That's where they met him. Personally, I've found myself a little more intrigued by Mr.Vahadane the very first time I've gotten to know him. He's an interesting character, a well-balanced combination of strength and gentleness. His intelligence and interests (or, should I say, sheer curiousity) were shown from the way he argued with other people. (Well, I must admit that the reason I'd been quiet most of the time when he'd argued with Hani was because politic isn't exactly my favourite subject.:P Hehe, I know I'm being dense sometimes.*blushes*) From the way he looked at me and responded to my arguments (with the topic: culture and sociology *big evil grin*), I knew he'd found me quite challenging too. I know, I'm a bit feisty and scary sometimes.*giggles* But, I've also gotten the impression that Mr.Vahadane must've also been a loyal husband and a loving father --- especially from the way he talks about his family. (He'd even told me lightly --- in front of Hani --- that he'd have liked her right off from the very first time they met. He even treated her like his own daughter.:P) Since Hani and I stayed until dinner-time, he'd offered us rice and...potato vegetables!:D Yum. Although it was rather hot and super spicy like most Indian food I know, I still could take it well (despite my burning mouth!*giggles*) I'd watched poor Hani struggling with every spoonful of it.:P Thank God for bananas as dessert (alias the neutralizers for our burning mouths!*giggles*) We'd said bye to Mr.Vahadane and finally left his house before nine. Then Hani and I parted in Blok M... Last Monday: boredom.:| Yesterday: mega-boredom.*yawns hugely* Being broke does cramp your style. Today: finally got my loaned money repaid.:P Enough for SPICE!'s November issue, having my pre-paid cell re-vouched, and posting this entry. The Author

THE GLOOMY, SATURDAY NIGHT :|
I've actually planned to write another happier entry (well, just how pathetic that really sounds *rolls eyes*), but my mood somehow got badly disturbed by what I just witnessed with my own eyes this very evening. The Leechy, Golden Couple (yes, I am talking about my sister --- The Princess Brat --- and her stuck-up boyfriend Gatot *scoffs*) just freely ordered fried oxtail soup --- the most expensive menu in my family's restaurant --- for their dinner. Oh, how fancy!*sarcastic tone* If they start doing that everyday like they usually did before (of course, before Menti had finally made a huge fuss about it openly --- especially since we seriously lacked frequent costumers lately :|), I'm not surprised if Gatot's getting really fat, slow, and...homely in the future.*big evil grin* Now, please tell me honestly, folks.:P Am I being awfully mean for saying this? Huh?? Am I just the stingy, insecure little bitch here?!:x Because, it looks to me like an old story retold, a re-run episode from a cheesy soap, and a FUCKING deja vu! Okay?! Now, I don't even understand just why the night-shift waitresses must ever feel intimidated by The Princess Brat's bossy behaviour. Does she pay their salaries? No! Does she even care if this restaurant might possibly go bankrupt if she keeps treating her boyfriend royally this way? Ha! Personally, I doubt that it even crosses her self-centered mind. Does she own the restaurant? Well, I own this place too, but I still try my best not to abuse the authority. (I work here every freaking day, remember?:|) I thought Eid would change people to become better, but...haha, it seems that it doesn't always work for some.*big evil grin* I mean, take a look at me. I'm still temperamental (despite not being the food hog anymore.:P) The Princess Brat is still bossy and spoiled. Gatot is still being this shameless fake (because he still acts as if he's flawless around my family, while I --- and my uncle and three aunts --- know better.:| I'm not that blind, you know?) And in Mom's eyes, they're still perfect and never wrong. Surprise, surprise.*rolls eyes* It turns out that I'm still living in The Twilight Zone. My own, personal one, though.*scoffs* Then the same old, familiar scenario will just take place in the same sets again. If the waitresses don't give The Princess Brat what she wants, then she will whine and snitch to Mom. Then Mom will make them give what she wants. The waitresses will helplessly tell Menti all about it, and then she'll ask me. Although she knows damn well why I can only sit quietly most of the time and won't blame me for it, she'll still be stressed out. And I'll feel guilty for being so fucking useless by doing no shit about it. *deep sigh* Knowing The Princess Brat since she and I were kids, I'm not surprised.:| But, do you have any idea just how damn hard it is for me to have had to fake my own smile to Gatot's (nicer) family, pretending I have absolutely no problem at all having him around my family that much? Well, this is just my other, gloomy Saturday night. I hope you enjoy my deep, dark, and heavy sarcasm here.:| The Author

THE EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT :D
Alright, this will be one of those days for me to feel grateful.:D Believe it or not, I couldn't sit still for an hour before finally forcing myself to sit down and start writing this entry.:P *giggles* Just this afternoon, a girl named Yose called me at work. She reminded me of my short story called "14 Hari" (Fourteen Days) I'd sent for a contest to be in an anthology of local, teenage short stories supported by kemudian.com (a local website for all aspiring and freelance writers I'm a member at.:D) I'd told her that yes, it was my story. Then she delivered me this wonderful news: The First Trust Publishing has picked it to be one of their chosen eight in their new anthology (still in working process.) Although Yose is only a part of kemudian.com, she said that I could meet her in her working place at Harmoni, Central Jakarta. Then of course we'll discuss more about the royalty deal. ......................... *runs around screaming with joy and insanity* Hehe.:P:D*giggles* The Author

THE UN-HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Yesterday was Dad's 60th birthday, but...it didn't end well.:( We'd eaten chocolate cake in the restaurant earlier, despite the electricity all around Panglima Polim was suddenly out. (Gone was my plan to update an entry.:P) It was also raining most of the day and part of the night, but I'm not going to be all melodramatic by connecting the weather with people's moods. Sooo cliche (although sometimes true.*rolls eyes*) Well, my family and I headed home to Tanah Kusir a lot earlier than usual, especially since the electricity still went out and there was absolutely nothing we could do in the restaurant anyway.:| So, we'd closed it early. On the way home, The Almost Twins mentioned about some goodie-bags in the back of the car, and they'd wanted to put them all in the garage for a while. My brother was driving, while Dad was sitting next to him. I could tell that he (Dad) was zoning out. He always does that a lot lately, completely lost in his own little world and oblivious to his surroundings (I mean, reality.:|) Then, we got home at sometime around nine. Dad jumped out of the car to open the gate first, but only stood and stared at the garage door. When Mom asked him to and reminded him about the goodie-bags, he suddenly went ballistic. "I didn't know that the garage door needed to be opened!" he'd retorted angrily. "Nobody told me!" "Well, you've heard the kids in the car," Mom shot back. "I thought you'd listened too!" "I'm never asked to be involved in anything!" "Why do you always have to wait instead of being the first to initiate?!" In the end, Dad just went into our house and slammed the kitchen door really hard.:x (Gee, I thought all grown-ups were supposed to be mature.*scoffs*) Mom said nothing else. I'd tried to keep myself busy and pass the time by helping The Almost Twins unload the goodie-bags from the car. My sister had had this familiar scowl on her face. I could tell that she was also obviously sick of Dad's childish behaviour. We'd talked a little, so she wouldn't have felt too awful.:| But then (just when the four of us had assumed it was over and no big deal), the senseless fighting continued. It turned out that --- as usual --- Dad had taken it a little too personally.*rolls eyes* After silently fuming alone, he suddenly came up to Mom and started pressing: "What have I done wrong?" What's he done wrong? Everything, if only he'd asked me.:| You never listen anymore, Dad. You just don't care, but only demanding that the whole wide world must always understand you --- no matter what you do. To be honest, I think that's utterly selfish!:x But of course, you never want to take the blame or even learn from your mistakes. To you, it's always other people's faults. You're always so fucking defensive and that just hasn't really changed in years!:x No wonder not many people can really stand (talking) to you. You always have to win without any self-effort. The truth is, you're a complete loser, Dad!:( You're just sitting around and doing nothing but feeling all sorry for yourself. I'm sad and very disappointed of you. I mean, can't you see that Mom's tired surviving alone? Can't you see that we still need you? But these silent, angry thoughts were only screaming in my own ears --- along with their ear-shattering arguments outside my bedroom door. About money, my brother's (still) unpaid college tuition fees, on-going debts, Dad's unwillingness to help, and so on... And I looked at my own reflection in the mirror, noticing the awfully familiar glint in my eyes. I'd suddenly looked like a helpless, scared five-year-old. No.:( Please, don't start, I had to silently command myself not to cry. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I just didn't feel like making it worse. (Besides, Mom always has it a lot worse.:|) Strangely, I'd finally managed to only let the tears slowly come out through my nostrils instead of my eyes. (How? Good question.*big evil grin*) But I was still dead upset on the inside, so I ended up sending the same text message to four people I feel closest to: "My parents are fighting again.:'-( I want to get out of here." Like a coward myself, I got out of my room after the fighting (finally!*deep sigh*) stopped. My parents weren't speaking to each other anymore that night, but Dad was still acting as if nothing was wrong. Ugh, how utterly frustrating!*rolls eyes* The Almost Twins weren't in the same room anymore. Mom quietly told me that they'd gone outside already. (No surprise!:P) Her furious (and tired) expression just saddened me.:'-( I found The Almost Twins obviously escaping to a small shop across from our house. They both were sitting on a wooden bench, my brother smoking.:| I came up to them as they noticed me. "Why did you guys run off here like this and left Mom all alone in there?" I protested. My brother gave an ironic grin. "I was just buying myself a pack of cigarettes, but she followed me," he told me, pointing at our sister. She smirked. "It was ear-shattering in there." Yeah, I know that.:| But, should we leave Mom all alone when he's acting ridiculous like that towards her? I thought, more to myself. Well, too bad that sticking around without a word was even that stupid and useless.*blushes* Damn, I've just realised that about me.:( Then Mom stomped outside while my brother was entering the house. Mom sat with my sister and me on the front porch for a while, complaining: "I can't believe that he's just getting dumber, more ignorant, and stubborn from day to day!":x My sister and I hardly said anything back. The three of us could hear my brother make a small talk with Dad inside. Well, that kid's often the calmest one.*shrugs* Then Mom gave me money and ordered me to buy them dinner. After I had (from the same shop), we went back inside the house. I didn't join their late dinner, though --- because I was busy checking replies for my previous sent text: From Menti: "Patience.:(" From Hani: "If only we lived closer, you know you could always run over here --- anytime they do that.:( Sorry about that. Try to calm down. Stay strong." Thank you...:'-) Tiger was even doing better.:D He called me last night! "Hey, how are you doing, sweets?":) "Uh, I'm doing pretty good now." "No, you're not. I can tell." "Damn, you know me too well." "Yes, I do.":P Then I chuckled and I giggled.:D I don't know why, but his warm, heavy voice simply soothed me. I suddenly didn't feel sad anymore. Amazingly, we'd talked for two and a half hours!:O All the jokes, fun singing to each other, and even the regular conversations...God, I've always missed him.:) He's such a sweetheart. But still, I can understand why he's afraid of another long-distant relationship --- especially after what that silly bitch has done to him.:| (And I still fucking hate her for all of that!:x) You know, since I just want him to be happy and not worry about me too much --- I'm not going to propose that crazy idea again... The Author

BACK TO WORK...:P
Finally, I'm back to work.:P Yes, the restaurant's opened today. It's a late start, I know, but still better than never. Everything else in my hometown's also gone back to normal. The traffic's crowded, as usual.:| What else? I'm still where I am today. No, I'm not saying this with such bitterness. I still want to remain grateful with my blessings.;) But that doesn't mean that I'll just stop working for a much better life and let myself get stagnated...like some people.*rolls eyes* Hell, no! I'm still sending job applications elsewhere. I'm still sending my writings for extra cash. I may not always succeed, but that doesn't mean I'm quitting.:x I don't want to be as good as dead. *deep sigh* There.:P I've just said it all. Don't you dare expect me to bawl my eyes out just because of countless rejections like I've already received before. You'll seriously have to kill me for that. Grrrh!:x Speaking of job searches, we've got more and more newcomers in Jakarta from all around the smaller towns, villages, and even...*gasps* islands.:O Yeah, that's always the case every year after Eid vacations --- mass migration. Just like people who are trying to get their big breaks in New York or even...Hollywood.*big evil grin* Usually, the survivors who have already bet all their lives in Jakarta will go back home and tell their fellows and relatives about its magnificent beauty. I can't really blame them, though. After all, this is the capital city.:| It's the symbol of 'modern' life, success, and prosperity. (Yeah, right --- to some people. Ha-ha.*big evil grin*) You can get quick, easy money from there. You'll have lots of choices available in front of you (without really mentioning the price to pay). You can be more modern and richer... *yawns hugely* If they only knew... Okay, pardon my sarcasm.:P But some dreams can still be rudely crushed by reality. Some may succeed, but some also can fail and go back home with nothing but complete misery. Heck, some can even disappear forever in big city like forgotten ghosts. Get some, lose some. There's no such thing as 'quick and easy' money, unless if it's from 'illegal' work.*rolls eyes* Are they kidding or what? I've already heard too much sad stories about people naively pursuing their fantasies. This is not a fairy-tale. But somehow, hedonism in the city has tricked these gullible souls into dangerous fast-lanes. Hmm, let's see. A low-life waitress who agrees to be one of the concubines or even the second/third/fourth wife, just because some lecherous, wealthy creep offers her more money and promises her a 'better' life. A local street thug who's also a secretly hired assassin. What else?:( Trust me, people. It's been going on and on for decades here. I think it's getting worse. And --- tragically --- trafficking and forced prostitutions are also using the same, lame line: "Miss, I have a great job for you. Trust me, it'll pay you very, very well. Just come with me to the big city, okay?" ......................... I think that's why I'm grateful that --- somehow --- my fate is much better than theirs.:| Well, how am I doing today?:P My lower right wisdom tooth is killing me.:( I know I was supposed to go to the dentist today, but still haven't had the chance yet. I'm working today, but will go tomorrow... And I don't feel like eating anything that much lately. It just kills my appetite.:| But hey, look on the bright side.:P Since last holiday, I've somehow let myself slide and gained more weight...again.:| 143 lbs.*gulps* AAARRGH!!!:O It's time for weight control again.:( I'm not going to let myself be fat and miserable again. No fucking way!:x Been there, done that. Enough is enough. If I've succeeded before, then I can definitely do it again.:D And I will. I must. I still know how to.;) Alright, enough worrying about my weight.:P The Author

ALL YESTERDAY...
Well, since the restaurant still hasn't opened yet (blah!:|), I've decided to write a lot today until my hands are stiff to death. Ha-ha.*sarcastic tone* Yes, I am being that boring today. I am still reading a book about starting your own business from home.:P Heck, I even ended up buying myself a Sunday edition of my favourite local newspaper KOMPAS. It's been like, ages since the very last time I read that. I've missed their Lit Page (for literature works like poetry, short stories, essays about artwork, paintings, and even their comic strips.:D) I've also missed Samuel Mulia's weekly update about lifestyle. I've always enjoyed his dark humour and heavy sarcasm in his writings, but at least he's still being honest to the readers out there. (I mean, why sugar-coating a lot of things way too much, when in fact --- the real world is already covered by total hypocricy, right?*big evil grin*) I remember when my family still subscribed to KOMPAS. I used to crack up laughing myself after reading Sam's comments, until people around me thought I was seriously crazy.*giggles* He often implied subtly: "If you think other people are total idiots, then what about yourself in their eyes as well?" In fact, Sam's already (and proudly, of course) confessed to the readers that yes, he's a gay, a not-so-good Catholic, and...a bitch.*big evil grin* LOL!!:P I once asked my gay pal Ki about him (since gays must have some similar communities :P), and Ki had said, "Yeah, he's a total bitch --- but still a damn good writer!" *deep sigh* There are so many things to sacrifice, just to save more money and avoid dangerous poverty.:( Well, Grandpa's male nurse finally returned from his long break.:P That's very good, of course, because it turned out that my dear brother wasn't as tough a he'd wanted us to believe. Four days after baby-sitting Grandpa most of his spare-time (until he couldn't get out of the house like, at all), he had a headache. Poor kid. I know he's a good guy who rarely complains, but oftentimes --- his physical signs show otherwise. But thank God, he's okay now.:) Yesterday, Mom, The Almost Twins, and I had this late lunch at Gajah Mada, Blok M, with...my sister's boyfriend Gatot.:| Oh, I forgot to add that --- I've finally finished up paying for the stupid, old cellphone number bills yesterday morning.:D YAY! I was even grateful enough for that, because --- believe it or not, while I was away at a cell counter in Pondok Indah --- Gatot had somehow made Mom and The Almost Twins wax the entire floor from upstairs to the living room downstairs in Grandpa's house. Although I knew it was the most necessity to keep the house clean and Mom told me that Gatot had worked as well, I still don't like the idea that he was acting as someone in charge there.:| I know, I'm getting a little bit too territorial about this whole issue, but...hey, it looks to me that he's no longer just a regular guest staying over! He begins to feel more comfortable too and thinks he owns the place as well. Alright!*sarcastic tone* Thank God I wasn't around when that happened.:| But even if I'd been there, I'm sure Gatot wouldn't have had the nerve to start picking a fight with me by acting that bossy.*big evil grin* He knows I still can't stand him. But maybe, Mom would've ordered me to work, because she knows I can't say no to her.:| It's not that I don't want to help or anything. I know I'm still being mean to him. Well, I also know that his family are very nice and I like them much better. But I'm sure he hardly does house chores in his own home.*rolls eyes* I've seen him order my sister to pick up some of his stuff at home quite often, and order his family's housekeeper hand them out to my sister (even when he's at home!) Even his own mother once admitted to Mom that he was tad spoiled. "Please, excuse Gatot...for he's the youngest child and only son..." Well, take a look at my brother. Notice the difference? That kid is much younger, but surely more responsible. Get it??:P Well, if Mom ever reads this, I'm sure she's going to be really pissed with me.:x She'll definitely ask me to try understanding him better. He's a TV cameraman. He works long hours. He must be tired... Everybody's tired, Mother.:( I'm sure he'd get treated differently if he were a girl. That's what still happens in this country. Yes, Mother.:( For you, I must always understand. But that doesn't mean I like it. And my sister is still seriously thinking about marrying this guy.:P Come to think of it, maybe that's a good thing for her. Gatot is obviously still the kind of guy who wants girls to do all the house-chores for him.*big evil grin* I know that, because he's asked my sister to learn how to cook, knowing that she still can't and is too lazy to try. (He can, btw.:P) Maybe, she'll have no choice but to stop being The Princess Brat. *big evil grin* If I ever cook for my future husband, it'll be because I simply want to (and he deserves that.;D) --- not because I have to.:| *sighs* But in the end, these thoughts are only my own to keep.:( Well, I think I'll just stop bitching about this. It's so depressive.*scoffs* Well, there were two guys that made me all equally happy yesterday: First, I chatted online with Tiger in the early morning, after what seemed like forever.:D I've missed him so. Thank God he's all good.:) Then he called me for a few minutes. It felt so good to hear his voice again. We'd mostly joked around for a while, just like old times. Good times. Although he said he could heard something hollow in the tone of my voice, I didn't feel like telling him anything. He'd made me smile and I guess it was all enough to make my day.:) And Nick...it felt amazing to hear him talk and laugh, and watch him smile too.;) The Author

ABOUT GRANDPA...:(*BLUSHES*
Alright, it turns out that --- we still can't open the restaurant today.:( Why? The kitchen staff haven't all returned yet. Great.*rolls eyes* If you think I should be happy with it, then I think you got it wrong.:| No, I'm not. This is bad for business. For someone whose main income relies on this kind of business, it's disastrous. I've got to find another way to make money.:( It's not easy. It still isn't. I've only had a little left in my pocket, and my pathetic bank account is (always) wearing thin these days. I can't also count on anybody else as well... *deep sigh* God, my hands are shaking pretty bad right now. Why am I suddenly having these scary feelings again?:( It's happened several times before. No, I've got to stay positive, no matter what. I have no choice. I must remain optimistic. I must be strong... To be honest, I can't really remember the very last time I allowed myself to just let things go, fall apart completely, or cry in someone else's comforting shoulder, and all that stuff.:| I don't remember and even do that very often. No. Regarding these days, I'd rather cry alone...:'-( And if you think I should be happy for more day-offs...well, ha-ha.*sarcastic tone* Some holiday, if you ask me. Okay, now I'm feeling guilty for complaining about this.:(*blushes* But, once again, I can't help that these old, familiarly awful feelings start creeping in on me... It's about...Grandpa. God, I'm going to sound really horrible here, so I'm sorry.:( He's just old, ailing, and helpless. If nobody's around to take care of him, then how will he ever survive? I know, doing good is never really easy. You see, Grandpa's male nurse hasn't returned yet. Since there hasn't been any replacement yet, my poor brother gets stuck with the 'baby-sitting' job most of the time, especially since he practically lives in the same house now. He's a very good kid, you know?:) He rarely complains. He's really tough, but still soft at heart. That's why Mom and I (have to) help my brother, so he won't have to do it alone. Of course, I don't have the heart to be all selfish on him and Grandpa too.:( He's got other jobs to do and is supposed to worry more about his still unfinished college. Shame on me if I ever. And, what makes you think that my sister --- despite living in the same house too --- is really reliable for this job as well?:P Alright, I'm not going to be such a bitch about her.:| I truly understand that she has a job. But still, what about when she's at home? My brother is still all alone in this. Get it??*sneers bitterly* *sighs* If you wonder why my brother doesn't ask our sister for help...well, he knows her.*rolls eyes* Besides, he's also the kind of guy who seldom asks for help. (He's a little like me sometimes, only minus the silent bitching.*big evil grin*) Come to think of it, is it hard to initiate a favour, instead of just waiting for the call? Do you know what I mean, right? But still, she's Mom's precious darling daughter.*rolls eyes* I swear to you, if Mom ever reads this --- she'll tell me to leave my sister alone. Correction, leave her and Gatot alone. Ha! It's just the same old stories, all over again.:( Nothing's really changed. Dad's still careless, oblivious, and lethargic. Grandpa's other kids (Mom's siblings --- my uncles and aunts) are still nowhere to rely on. (Well, I can understand Aunt Yanti because she lives in Bandung.) Except Menti, who still cares --- but even she still has her limits too. I can understand that. But the others? Hell, they don't even want to try. How ironic is that? In the end, my family have to sacrifice most of the time for this. We're not even the richest. Whenever we ask for their help, the hesitation (or even ignorance) is often their habitual response. Some family.*rolls eyes* And I still feel so fucking helpless.:x I hate it. I hate it. ......................... We can still forgive, but can we ever really forget? Well, even if we want to, it never really gets out of our heads, right? We still remember. Actually, I've already noticed this long when Grandma was still alive. When she had been ill, it had always been Mom and Menti who took care of her --- until the day she passed away.:( The others?? They could only complain when we'd asked for their help. Busy...no money...no time...whatever.*rolls eyes* Then, they could only cry during her funeral. (At that time, my brother was already the most reliable son to Mom when it came to taking Grandma to doctors.:) I'm not surprised nor jealous if Mom's proud of him. He deserves that more than I do, and I still suck at driving too.*blushes*) I couldn't cry during Grandma's funeral until a week after that. I'd also begun to notice strange things. I remember the unexplainable fear in Grandma's nurse's eyes one night after the funeral, when she'd practically begged me, "Please, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone here." Since nobody seemed to want to stick around for the mourning Grandpa, The Almost Twins and I had taken our turns. Three nights after the funeral, I was there alone --- reading a book in a guest room. Suddenly, Grandpa came in and literally asked me to move into his room and watch TV together. I was still enjoying my solitude, so I didn't feel like doing so. It had seemed like a nice, innocent, Grandpa-to-Granddaughter request --- but he'd strangely insisted me three times already. In the end, he'd finally given up --- angrily. "I just wanted some company, that's all!" he'd yelled before returning to his room and slamming his door shut behind --- really hard. I'd started to cry. He'd never been like that before --- so scary. Instead of coming over to apologize (although I wasn't sure what for), I'd ended up locking the guest room door until my sister finally came. I suddenly didn't feel safe at all and couldn't tell myself why. It was long before my family and I had found out about the awful reason why most of the relatively new female housekeepers in that house quit after just a day or two.:| I still remember Menti crying about it for days and Mom's face --- pale with shock and disbelief. It turned out that...*deep sigh* Grandpa had shamelessly tried to...*gulps* sexually molested them. No wonder they all freaked out and ran. *blushes* Well, I know that I'm not supposed to show these creepy skeletons in my family's closet, but the word was already out in the city anyway.*rolls eyes* Everybody knows this total shame. Worst of all, I'd once caught Grandpa myself --- trying to grope one of the kitchen staff during their night-shift.:x Believe me, I'd nearly dropped my mug! "Grandpa, what are you doing?!" "I want to touch her," he'd admitted shamelessly. When he noticed my shocked expression, he'd casually asked, "Can I?" "OF COURSE NOT! ARE YOU CRAZY?!":x :'-(... They've said it's normal and...rather understandable.*scoffs* After all, he's still a man. He was married. What do you expect? Well, since then, I don't feel like being all alone with him in the same room or even too close anymore.:( I keep my very careful distance. I know I'm being cold and insensible, especially that now he's ill. He can't walk properly anymore. Oh, I forgot to tell you why I'd only finally been able to cry a week after Grandma's funeral. I'd been mentally exhausted and finally exploded after some stupid fight with Mom, before she and Dad flew to Surabaya that weekend. In other words, it takes an extreme level of mental exhaustion for me to finally cry...openly.:( Some of my friends think it's unhealthy, but I still can't help it. It's already become a habit, a part of me. Besides, the real world I'm in these days clearly has no time for my little complaints. The Author

THE LAST DAY (WELL, MAYBE...:P)
Today's my last day of my long break.:| I'm going back to work tomorrow. But, wait. Mom just told me that there might be a possibility that the whole kitchen staff would return late from their long vacation out of town (especially with the overly-crowded passengers migrated to Jakarta for better jobs, better future...whatever. After all, this is the capital city where most people are looking for hope at.*rolls eyes*) Great.:P Although I can't really say that I make much with this job, at least it's still okay --- better than being jobless and doing nothing worthwhile at all. The good thing is, despite not having specific day-offs (especially since it's my family's business :P), I still get to go out anytime I choose --- of course, as long as it doesn't disturb the business (like more catering orders or overflowing guests.) Most importantly, I can still concentrate on my writing when I have the spare-time --- or when it's dead quiet at work and nobody comes.;) I know I'm not exactly Enid Blyton or Agatha Christie yet, but I believe --- bit by bit --- I'm getting there. Through local printed mass media, I've already earned some --- little by little. I believe I can still get more from writing. Speaking of that, I've finally submitted my job application to cosmopolitan Indonesia --- online, yesterday!:D Finally. Thank God.*sighs* I'm not really sure that what I wrote for a sampling article could be called an article, but...what the hell. I've done my best. If they don't want me, I'll become the best-selling author next time and they'll have to interview me.*giggles* That's what I believe in the future and I'm working on it.:P The Author

A SILENT PRAYER FOR TIGER AND ME :)
"Have I ever told you just how priceless you are?:) Too bad she can't see that, the way I always have..." I left that comment on Tiger's latest blog entry. (And I won't tell you where, in case you're dead curious about him and what he usually writes.*big evil grin* Haha!) From what he wrote and also his latest, very short e-mail for me --- it seems to me that he's been doing pretty good with life lately.:) He's healing up slowly but sure, and I think that's a good sign. And I am so glad that silly bitch --- his dumb ex, I mean --- has finally stopped terrorizing him over the phone and online too.*rolls eyes* Good. I don't ever want her to keep hurting him like that again.:x Grrh! She can be with many 'dogs' out there as she pleases, but leave Tiger alone. He's always been a good, loyal guy. He doesn't deserve such pain she's caused him too many times already.:( He deserves someone else much better. And if it's not me, then I hope our God will send him a better girl.:| Besides, a friend of mine once told me that: "Just because we strongly feel that someone we love may be the perfect one for us, that doesn't mean we're also perfect for them." I must agree with that.;) I've learned long and hard enough --- and begun to accept such possibility. Don't worry, I can.:) I mean, we can always promise --- or even swear --- that we'll never hurt the ones that we love. But then, in the end --- will we ever really know? ......................... *deep sigh* But please, don't get me wrong.:( It's not that I am still afraid of commitment like I used to be (note: which was the main, worse reason why I've never really had a boyfriend in real life.:P Yikes, I'll turn 26 soon --- this November!*gasps*:O) What I'm trying to say is: if it turns out that Tiger and I can never be more than best friends, there's a possibility that I might not be trusted enough by God to love him completely and be the lifetime guardian of his heart --- no matter how much I want to. Vice versa. I mean, it's always up to God, right? Yeah.:) Who dares deny God's Wisdom and Policy? Not me, though.*shrugs* Strangely, as I write this entry --- I feel my heart suddenly filled with some sort of...serenity.:) Maybe, it's because I've already left this whole matter up to God. No more mental breakdown, anxiety, bitterness, anger, disappointment, tears...whatever. Like what I'll always believe, Allah Knows Best. Looking back on my writing entitled "When Solitude Speaks", I really mean it at the very last sentence. I hope God will help both of us wake up to a more comforting reality --- either together or separately. Amen.:) The Author

EID DAYS
Alright, I haven't been writing anything for the past couple of days --- and now I'm slowly getting myself back used to it again.:P My hands are still rather stiff now, but I'll try anyway. Ugh.:| The first day of Eid (October 13): A celebration at Grandpa's house in Panglima Polim, South Jakarta (The Restaurant). It was fun, although tad exhausting too.:P I was very grateful for the unusually quiet traffic (since most of the residents were going out of town to celebrate Eid Mubarak with their extended families.:D) The sun was scorching pretty bad, though. Thank God I didn't have to wear a thick, tunic top or something else like that.:P Then, before my family and I went to Granpa Bagus' place in Pondok Indah at night, we'd gone through our usual kitchen duties in Panglima Polim.:| Although I must admit that it's not my favourite task to do, I never have the heart to leave Mom all alone with it. Well, it was also because we were taking lots of menus for our family dinner at Grandpa Bagus'. Hmm, let's see. I'd peeled the potatoes (for the baked potatoes with cheese and broccoli on top), cut the red paprikas (for black-pepperred beef with paprika on top), and stirred the sweet cream mixed with mayo and liquid sugar (for the fruit salad. *slurps*:P) Wait, wait. We'd even made...orange chicken (inspired by Thai food.:D) Feeling hungry already?:P*big evil grin* *giggles* The family dinner at Grandpa Bagus' turned out to be quiet festive.:D Believe it or not, I happened to be one of the main attractions of the night. Want to know why?*big evil grin* "OMG!:O You've lost so much weight. You look so pretty.:D How did you do that?" (I was an ugly duckling, but now I'm a beautiful swan---wait, wait!:| Let's not embrace that dumb, old-fashioned stereotype, okay?:P Swans are beautiful, but ducks are also cute. Enough said.*giggles*) The other attractions were: Baby Millie (my cousin Dita's firstborn child --- aww!:D) and...the fireworks (our sort of family tradition, btw.*shrugs*) Since the cute infant was mostly asleep, we'd decided to leave her alone in Mommy's arms. The rest of us --- including most of my younger cousins --- simply enjoyed creating and watching fireworks. Still, we had to be careful with our surroundings, though, so nobody would get hurt and no parked cars nearby would explode. Hehe.*big evil grin* The second day of Eid (October 14): A major cleaning up in Panglima Polim. I ended up falling asleep with exhaustion, only to be awaken by Mom who wanted to take Dad and me out for dinner.*yawns* For chicken satay, I'd go for it!:P The Author

FASTING AGAIN...;D
Who says 'the last day at work yesterday' means slacking off today?*big evil grin* No!:P We still had catering orders today. I helped a little. Don't worry, I'm not complaining.;) I'm still grateful. It's best to do a lot (or be more productive) during fasting hours than just lazying around. It helps you pass the time without feeling bored and having to think about food and drinks. Besides, sleeping (especially too much) during fasting hours usually ends up weakening you. (And I am so not kidding here!:P) I've decided to save a little of my last salary here in the bank today.:) I'm glad I did. It is (obviously, hehe *blushes*) something that I haven't really done in a long time. I know, that's also a sign for me to earn more money. I can't just keep on surviving like this here anymore.:( It's no fun. Besides, I'm tired. There has to be more to life than this, right? *deep sigh* I've already done writing my sampling article for my job application for Cosmopolitan Indonesia. However, I haven't had the chance to send it yet.:(*gulps* Online, that is. Tomorrow. So okay, no more slacking off. Well, I think I'm going to send Tiger an e-card for Eid day. After all, we're still pals.:) That's what I also do every year. The Author

THE LAST DAY...
It's the last day at work!:D Yippee!! After that, I'll get to have my long break. Btw, there's another good news.:) We've decided to close the restaurant for ten days instead of just a week. So, the restaurant will open again on October 19. Alright! My pal Al's returned home to South Africa after his two weeks of job-training in UK.:) Did he get to meet Tiger there --- in Manchester? Unfortunately no, but that's okay. I've already thought of that possibility.*shrugs* Besides, I've actually felt a little bad about asking him to do such a favour, knowing he might've possibly been busy. *deep sigh* It seems to me that the raining season has started again since last night here. The sky's gone mostly gray today and it just rained a little like, minutes ago. Usually, I find this as the right moment to stay indoors, lazying on the couch --- with a book to read / past the time and a cup of something sweet and warm (coffee, milk, or tea???) on the coffee-table nearby.:) Hmm... Or maybe the right time to start writing more and more (besides this, of course.:P) You know, my best inspirations often come in rainy days. How strange.:) The fasting month is almost over, but I still haven't really talked to Tiger yet. I know, we've both been busy.:| I must admit that I still miss him a lot sometimes. But I still remember myself as Ms.Independent. It's not true that big girls don't cry (sorry, Fergie --- although I must say that's a beautiful ballad of yours :P), because everybody does --- once in a while. After all, we're only humans.:|*shrugs* But we also must remember that we shouldn't do that way too much and completely out of proportions. In other words, I've already left this whole matter to God.:) Allah Knows Best. That's what I'll always believe. My very last effort of showing Tiger my real feelings was my writing called "When Solitude Speaks" (and he hasn't left a comment about it yet.:|) I've done enough. In the end, it's all about coming back to face and accept reality as harsh as it is. We must always remember that we can never really make someone love us --- especially when they just don't or even won't (or worse, are unsure of their own feelings about us.:|) Feelings can't be compelled. "I've tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go. It may not last but I don't know. I just don't know..." I know it still hurts --- somewhere, deep down in the corners of my heart (like a hidden chamber of an isolated castle) --- but it also may be the only way... Don't worry, Tiger.:) We'll always be best friends, no matter what. We've promised each other that already. I'll make sure nothing can ever change or even destroy that. I will always love you, but it's time to give another guy a chance.;) Besides, you've suggested me that before. The Author

FIVE THINGS TO BE HAPPY FOR:
First of all, I'm going to start fasting again on October 10. (I just re-checked my 'monthly cycle' on the calendar.:P) Alright!:D I know it'll be only three days left for me to do so, because Eid will start from the 13th to 14th. Well, that's okay.*shrugs* At least I can still catch up, eventhough just a little. Second, speaking of Eid holidays, the restaurant will close for a week --- starting on October 10. At last, a long break for me.:) I can do more writings without too much distraction from reality. Third, Cosmopolitan Indonesia is opening more job vacancies again!:D I'm planning to apply as a reporter or an editor...again. I'm still working on a sampling article right now. Hopefully, I'll get to send it along with my job resume before the long weekend already starts. Well, who knows?*shrugs* Maybe I'll get myself lucky this time.:) Since my old college best friend Pumpkin is the senior fashion editor there, maybe I'll get to see him too. That, if I can really get the job, though. *giggles* Fourth, the Eid celebration itself!:D I'm so looking forward to it every year. Since my friend Hani's taking Mary Jo (they've been best friends since our regular "Speak-Out" gatherings long ago!:D) to celebrate Eid with Hani's family in Magelang, Central Java --- Mom's had this idea of (me) inviting Patrick and Andy over for our family lunch this Saturday.:) I know --- like Mary Jo --- they're actually non-Muslims, but it's just for the spirit of (respecting) friendship and pluralism. I swear to you, no 'hidden agendas' here.:P So I did.:) Patrick still hasn't responded to my message, but I guess it's still the good will that counts. it's okay. Fifth, I got a call from my best friend Nick.;) Although it was pretty short, it made me smile today.:) The Author

MY TOP THREE, MOST FREQUENT NIGHTMARES:
1.Having my teeth fallen off, with my gums all bloody and gory-looking (plus, the taste of my own acid blood in my mouth --- in the dreams!:O) This is the kind of nightmare that I've been having a lot (like what I've recently told you.:|) In those dreams, I always have the fear of opening my mouth, after realising that my teeth have fallen off. I see them like little white marbles clinking against the floor, each a little smeared with my blood.*shudders* Scary.:( 2.Anything related to...dangerous waters! This is actually kind of funny, because --- I'm not exactly aquaphobic.:P I love swimming (although I'm not really good at it.) But I've had scary dreams about me and the dangerous waters.(??) The very first that I ever had was back in middle school. I saw my best friends --- Neda, Puchi, Novi, Yanti, Dian, and Hanne --- and I on some beach under a sunny sky. The sea was calm. We were in our swimsuits, building a large sand-castle while giggling cheerfully. Then suddenly, the sky went dark. I heard a loud, thunderous growl nearby and quickly looked up. To my horror, gigantic waves were crashing and heading faster at us --- all sky-high and menacingly dark. My friends and I quickly abandoned our sand-castle and ran for our very lives. That was long before the tsunami hit The Southeast Asian countries --- including mine, specifically in Sumatra Island on December 26, 2004.:( It still felt like yesterday. And since then, I haven't visited the beaches. Am I actually afraid? I don't know. These days, I'm hardly sure of my own feelings.*shrugs* Mostly, other water-related nightmares were about me drowning or even being forcefully drowned by a pair of mysteriously invisible hands pressing my head downward. Once I woke up strangely choked up and coughing. Another dream I've also often had was seeing my own dead body underwater. My face was pale and lips were blue, like an ugly wax doll. But strangely, I'd looked peaceful --- as if I was only asleep. 3.Punching the high, thick red brick walls that surround me (until my knuckles are all bleeding and I find myself screaming and crying in pure rage, fear, and frustration, but the walls stay up!:|) Worst of all, I was always all alone in that dream.:( Since I'm claustrophobic (unfortunately, yes :|), that symbol in my dream does make sense. It truly describes my fear of being forever locked up and feeling completely helpless and powerless --- from the walls with no doors and my failed attempts to break them down. The Author

THE SAME OLD, FAMILIAR NIGHTMARE; MY SISTER'S REUNION; AND MY STUPID, LEFT-SIDE OF BACK PAIN!:x
Yesterday, I was still having the damn flu, but not as worse. Knowing my sister's old elementary and middle school friends would've definitely come to the restaurant at night for their gala reunion, Mom had suggested that I take a short nap to save some strength for the night --- in case things might have gotten slightly chaotic and out of control like the last time my sister's high school friends came over.:P So I did. Actually, I've never liked napping since I was a kid.:P I don't know why. I only do it under some circumstances, like; illness and having to stay up late at night. (Well, sometimes my insomnia can cause more trouble too, so napping helps a little.:|) But unfortunately, my nap was disturbed by the same old, familiar nightmare. (Or should I just call it a 'scary dream', since I was actually sleeping in the daytime?:P Man, English can be confusing sometimes!*giggles*) I dreamt of losing my teeth...again.:( Six of them, I'd counted in my dream, from the lower jaw --- each three started from both my wisdom teeth. And the blood...*shudders* Eww!:( And I was jolted awake because of that.:| Two hours of restless sleep. But hey, I guess it was still better than nothing.*shrugs* Mom's always claimed that it's caused by too many horror movies I've already watched.:P Hmm, maybe. I don't know. Tiger's even thought that it might've been the symbol of my inner fear of losing something...or someone important to me.:| *deep sigh* Anyway, I was thankful enough that the reunion at the restaurant had gone smooth and rather peaceful last night.:) Only twenty people who came. Maybe, it was also the fact that I've known these people much better than those in her high-school. And they are more than just knowing me too, but also...respecting me more. I know that --- in their eyes --- I'll always be just their popular friend's freaky-but-still-okay kid sister.:P That's all. I don't expect too much from them too, so that's okay with me.*shrugs* But, what I'm trying to say is that --- well, at least most of them did take a little time to really smile and be nice with me too, instead of just calling to me: "Hey, is your sister around now?" I know, I'm sounding a little bitter and insecure about this all over again.:(*sighs* God, I'm not even really sure of what I'm actually talking about right now. I mean, it's not that my sister's high-school friends are downright mean or anything else like that. No, they're not! They're okay, really. I mean, I can totally understand that public high-schools have more students than private ones here in my city. Not many people really know each other.*shrugs* Many people always admire my sister for her lifetime, natural (and rather effortless) popularity and also her ability to maintain contacts with all of her social circles --- anytime, anywhere. I'm not being sarcastic nor jealous about it, just stating the obvious fact. That's just how she is and always has been. That's okay. I think that's just both her life and luck. I'm just...*sighs* I don't know, tired of this self-negativity caused by how they also often compare her with me.:( That usually makes insecurity come crawling back at me, haunting me like the awful past that refuses to let go of me and let me freely move forward. I still remember hurtful memories. Like the time Dad had always openly called me a little freak that nobody else would've ever understood, and nobody had even bothered to stand up for me so I started believing that I was.:( Lucky for her, though, she was never called that way. Or those who used to say lots of offending stuff like: "Why aren't you like your sister?" (An awfully dumb question, I know, because everybody's different!*rolls eyes*) I even can't forget another stupid remark from my old middle school P.E.teacher Mr.Nova: "You're so different from your sister. Say, how does it feel to be so fat?" ......................... :x And until now, he still doesn't know that I silently begrudge him of that. I'd told my sister and her girlfriends, and Fathi --- the now-slim beauty who used to be chubby like I was once --- suggested that I should've told him that he'd had a pig-looking face.*big evil grin* Also, thank God that I'd had a group of quiet but supportive friends --- including this sweet beauty Neda (if you've ever met her, I'm sure you'll agree with me that she's a dead-ringer of that internationally well-known Indonesian singer Anggun in Europe :P) who'd glared hard at those silly kids secretly laughing at me and mocking me behind my back, only because they thought I'd looked like a perfect candidate for a bullying target.*rolls eyes* I guess that's why I've become like this. But hey, come to think of it, you can't expect other people to always make you feel happy. It must start from you. Right? Right?? But for now, I must deal with my stupid, left-side of back pain first since last night.:( Gone is the flu, but now...this.:x It makes me feel more like 52 instead of 25 --- and that just sucks big time! Ouch! The Author

A THREE-MINUTE PHONE CONVERSATION :P
Yesterday morning, something quite funny happened.:P You see, I've been wondering about Patrick's old radio show here called "Speak-Out", so I texted him this message: "Hey, Patrick.:D How are you doing? Any progress on the radio show yet? Btw, I miss hanging out with you guys. I hope all of you are doing well." Then, minutes later my cellphone rang. Seeing Patrick's name displayed on-screen, I answered it. "Hello?" I could only hear faint music in the background, but not Patrick's voice. Assuming he might've had trouble with the signal, I kept calling him over and over while searching for a much better signal. "Patrick? PATRICK? OY!" Then, after seconds or so, finally: "Hey." Good. "What's up?" "I'm at the gym right now," he told me cheerfully. "How are you doing?" "I'm having the flu now." "Aww, that's not a good thing," he said sympathetically. I found myself smiling. "Yeah, that can't be good," I agreed. Then I suddenly remembered something, noticing the clock that said 11:15. "Wait. You're not teaching today?" "Oh, yeah. At twelve," he replied. Then, there was another long pause, before he suddenly asked, "Uh, did you call me or was it me?" ......................... "Uh, you did call me." Huh??:-S "Oh, my God." I heard his laughter. "The cellphone's in my pocket while I'm working out. I think the button got accidentally pushed." I couldn't suppress my own giggle.:P It had taken three minutes for him to finally have figured that out.*big evil grin* "Okay, you can go back to working out now." "You're right." He laughed again. "Okay, bye." "Bye." Click! LOL!!:P Then, about twenty minutes later or so, his message finally came: "Hey, thanks. Still no progress. If we hang out, I'll let you know." *giggles* Then I only replied again for the last time yesterday, reminding him to activate the 'lock-mode' on his cell next time he's working out.:P The Author

A CRAZILY-HECTIC TUESDAY :|
Alright, I'm writing this entry with rather shaky hands (and cold fingers too, fyi!:|), but I'm still going to try my best telling what happened yesterday. I've been sneezing a lot since yesterday morning.:( Yuck! At first, I'd thought it was just some sort of minor allergy that would usually go away soon. (Btw, it sucks big time when you're allergic to a lot of things like; pollen, dust, stuffed animals' hair, and even real animals' hair like your favourite pets...cats and dogs.:( I love cats and miss my old Teddy Bears too.*snifs*) But then, as the day dragged on, it kept getting worse. We were swamped with a lot more catering orders than usual, so Menti decided to split teams --- she'd go with Mom while I teamed up with my brother. My brother and I left at 2:30 pm from the restaurant with the catering orders in the black Rover. However, the traffic turned up to be unusually crappy!:O Bitch. Until 3:30, we still hadn't dropped any in our three destinations --- yet. My brother was obviously freaking out, while I kept on sneezing and wasting lots of tissues.:( By the time we finally reached our first destination --- Mulia Tower in Kuningan, Central Jakarta --- it was already sometime after four!!*gulps* Knowing how usually a drag that the administrative formality is when we use our trolley for the loads of cargo, my brother and I impulsively ended up becoming sudden weight-lifters. Oh, yeah.*big evil grin* Carrying about ten pounds of cargo all the way from a very distant parking lot, down to the basement, and right into the cargo elevator straight to the tenth floor was a REAL fun.:P (Okay, I'm being genuinely sarcastic about this.) Especially when you were still fasting and your nose felt stuffed and your body temperature gradually dropped, and your arms were shaking badly and sweating cold. "Uh, you can do this, right?" asked my brother with obvious worry, noticing me pant heavily. I quickly nodded. I could tell that he was afraid I might've suddenly fainted with exhaustion and simply dropped everything on the floor. Thank God, no.*sighs* No way!:P After that, we'd decided to split. My brother dropped me off at our second destination --- Karya Tower in Mega Kuningan with two plastic bags of food, then he was speeding to the third --- Plaza Kuningan. It was almost five, but I'd managed to stagger to the elevator that finally took me to the 26th floor. Thankfully, the client wasn't complaining.:) She was even nice enough to tip me a little. Hehe.:P Then I'd waited downstairs --- outside the lobby alone.:| Why? They don't have waiting seats inside, and I could barely stand properly any longer. My legs were wobbly and I couldn't stop shivering. The late-afternoon breeze outside was quite a killer for my not-so-good condition. I was sure people who'd noticed me there, half-leaning against the wall, would've agreed: I'd looked pallid as the moon and...pathetic.*rolls eyes* Very true.*scoffs* Worst of all, my nose was seriously runny I ended up having to frequent the ladies' roon nearby for more tissues. Ewww! Actually, I could've waited in that Italian restaurant "Trattoria", but I just didn't want to. I was still fasting and I didn't want to quit while it was almost done by ordering anything way too soon. No, not yet! I know I was ill, but I've always known that there are still lots of other people out there somewhere who always have it a lot worse than I do. So, no quitting that easily. By the time it was almost six, the sky had darkened. I was sooo relieved when my brother finally showed up to pick me up again --- just in time to end the fasting. He'd bought us drinks.:D Alhamdulillah! After chewing on a few buns of cheese-bread and gulping some tea, I just sat next to him and rested my spinning head against the seat.*huffs* I closed my eyes while he was driving us back to the restaurant. When we got there, I'd wanted to help my brother unpack the loads of cargo from the car --- but he told me not to, he could handle things himself. (Awww, sweet!:D) I went inside the house, because the restaurant was full of guests. I grabbed one of my brother's sweaters and put it on. Then, I went to the bathroom --- only to find out that I won't be able to do fasting for the whole week. Great. Time to visit the nearest drug-store. When Mom noticed how terrible I'd looked, she just told me to eat a little more, then go upstairs to sleep until it was time to go home. Good idea.:| Well, that was my crazy Tuesday, people. I hope yours wasn't as hectic.:P The Author

THE LOVE BALLAD AND ME :P
It's finally October.:) I hope it will bring a new hope and more enthusiasm in life for everybody too.;) And speaking of October, my college best friend Pumpkin's birthday is tomorrow!:D God, I've been missing him so. I know we still live in the same city, but...*deep sigh* I know, we're both busy with our own life and jobs.:| But still, I'm going to give him a call tomorrow. I know how busy a fashion editor for Cosmopolitan Indonesia can be.:P I must watch out for that, hehe. Lately, I've been listening to the same love ballad over and over again. (And I hope the CD won't get scratched, or else my sister will definitely kill me!*big evil grin*) Since this song is performed by two local musicians Yovie Widianto featuring Monita, I can understand if many of you here aren't familiar.;) Well, that's okay. I just want to share you the reason I love this song pretty much. It's called "Kekasih Sejati" (A True Lover). I love the sound of the piano, the strings' arrangement, and even Monita's clear and soft voice.:) But most of all, it's in the beautifully written lyric: "Aku yang memikirkan, namun aku tak banyak berharap. Kau membuat waktuku tersita dengan angan tentangmu." (I'm the one who's thinking, but I don't hope for too much. You're making my time wasted with thoughts of you.) "Mencoba lupakan, tapi ku tak bisa. Mengapa begini?" (Trying to forget, but I can't. Why is this happening?) "Oh, mungkin aku bermimpi menginginkan dirimu untuk ada di sini menemaniku. Oh, mungkinkah kau yang jadi kekasih sejatiku? Semoga tak sekedar harapku..." (Oh, perhaps I'm dreaming of wanting you to be here beside me. Oh, could the true lover be possibly you? Hopefully, it isn't just my hope...) "Bila kau menjadi milikku, aku takkan menyesal telah jatuh hati..." (If you become mine, I'll never regret falling in love...) *deep sigh* Pretty sad, huh?:P I know I'm not exactly a good interpreter here, but I just hope it fits. For now, this normally-a-rock-fan tomboy still gets herself stuck to this love ballad.:P Why? She's silently praying all through this fasting month, and may God give her the best answer...;) The Author

STILL BREATHING...:P
I am so relieved today!:D I've finally finished my short story and had it delivered by mail yesterday. Thank God! Well, now it's time to write another for an online contest.:) The deadline is October 15. Although I may not always win or even receive any valuable prizes yet, at least I can still keep practicing.;) *yawns hugely* Okay, I don't know why I'm still feeling all sleepy during fasting.:| I mean, I'm supposed to get myself used to it, right?:P Again, I'm going to be awfully busy this weekend.:| This evening, my sister's inviting her 30 old high-school friends over for dinner at the restaurant. My brother's friend/bandmate Rio will be having his college pals to tomorrow evening. Phew!*huffs* I hope I'm still able to remain breathing normally tonight.:P Hehe. That's too much, I know. The Author

FREE SPEECH = FREE INSULT???
Last night, I found two threads in some forum (I'm not going to mention a specific name here) that was seriously offending me.:x Those were made by some random girl, and I believe I don't need to mention her username here. I just read that her posts said something about my religion was all the same just like the others: nothing but lies. She'd even said that The Koran (it's supposed to be The Holy Quran, because I totally disagree with changing the name into a more western tongue :|) was...*deep sigh* stupid. Why did she think so? She'd assumed that it taught people to strap bombs on themselves and kill people in the streets and other public places. And where does that leave me?:( I'm a Muslim myself, but I don't do all that stuff. Still, I believe that I have the lifetime obligation to defend my religion. So I did. I was careful enough not to bitch too much, because it's still fasting month here. (Surprise, surprise, knowing how temperamental I usually am.:x) I'd told her not to insult religions if she chose not to have any. I challenged her if she'd really read (and understand) the entire Quran so she'd have had the nerve to assume such things!:x I'd even called her naive for believing just about everything shown on the news/mass media, because --- these days, people --- journalism is getting more and more easily altered by political propaganda. I've spent three years in college studying that. Of course, I'm not into denial about 9/11 --- or two bombings in Bali.:( I've accepted that fact, although it still hurts me with huge sorrow and shame. (My God, how could they do that?) I still remember my frantic e-mail to my best friend River in NY, asking if he was okay. When he'd replied that he was, I'd been so relieved. I'd told him how sorry I was that it happened, and I hoped that it would've badly affected our friendship. Thankfully, River had said that he believed I wasn't like that too. Just like me, River believes that no religions should ever be used as an excuse for violence against people. I mean, Islam is (supposed to be) about peace, compassion, and forgiveness.:( I don't get it. Alright, back to that random girl in that forum.*rolls eyes* I noticed that her posts were connected to a thread about gays (also quite insulting, eventhough the author had intended to make it as 'just a silly joke' :|) She said she hated it when people easily made negative assumptions about gays. Okay, fine. I get it. Well, I have gay friends too, FYI. I respect them as well. But the way she'd said it...God, I'm sure only immature people who claim that free speech means not having to give a fuck about what others may feel.*rolls eyes* She'd even blatantly challenged those who felt offended by her posts and told everyone in the forum to 'grow up'. In HUGE, BLOCK LETTER! Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Just give me a Goddamned break! Does free speech equal free insult as well? Oh, I'd also told her that --- for someone who hates generalization, look who's talking? She did the same. Even worse, by easily classifying all religions just as the same.*rolls eyes* *sighs*Man, I forgot that there are seriously crazy people over the internet as well. Look, I can be friends with anybody. But if they bad-mouth about my religion, then be prepared for my wrath. Don't even dare blame me for that. I'll fight with all my might. The Author

THE LADS AND ME
Alright, back to Monday again.:P What have I done so far yesterday? Hmm, not much, actually.:| Boring, huh?*big evil grin* Hehe. But at least I've finally asked Tiger --- via e-mail that is --- about my wanting him and my other friend AJ to meet each other there, somewhere in UK.:D I don't know if it'll possibly happen and work out, but...I believe it won't hurt to try this crazy idea a bit, right?;) Besides, who knows? Maybe they can be friends too if they can get along.*shrugs* I know Tiger and Al are still strangers to each other. They're only separately connected to me. I just hope they won't mind with this crazy little idea of mine.:P Well, Al's seemed pretty much okay with this, though.:) Last night, when I told him bits about Tiger (well, just his real name and physical descriptions), his comment via text message was: "Tall, dark, and handsome, huh?:P" *giggles* My other pal in NY, River, has been slowly coping with his heartache. He's back on doing his webcomic again. I am so proud of him. I know it hasn't been easy for him, though. I'm sure he'll get by. I'm also worried about my other friend: Hey, Nick. If you're reading this, sorry we haven't really talked again. You know my e-mail address. You know you can tell me. I hope you're okay. Take care, buddy. Just hang in there, okay? The Author

A TIRING SATURDAY NIGHT
Last night, my parents were going out to Uncle Warno's house in Kayu Putih, North Jakarta. The Almost Twins were going out too. My sister was with her boyfriend Gatot, of course. My brother was with his best friends Ari and Ari's girlfriend Indie. And, as usual, I happened to be the one with lack of social life.:P*rolls eyes* Work's taken most of my time and strength these days. Seriously, I miss going out with my friends. But, what else can I do?*shrugs* Whenever I hang out with them, I always end up quietly worrying about spending too much money just for fun. (No, it's not that I am so stingy.:|) Besides, I often feel tired after work.:( I also need my solitude. (And no, it's not that I'm selfish and anti-social.:P I'm just an aspiring writer, remember?) Damn, I still haven't finished my short story yet.:( I know the deadline is still October 10, but it's approaching closer everyday. Yikes! So, anyway --- I closed the restaurant at straight nine, as usual. One of my sister's old high-school friends Donnie A. suddenly showed up. When I told him we were already closed, he'd looked disappointed. No, I didn't really feel guilty about it. In fact, I was already way too tired to even care.:| I mean, it was already after-hours, for God's sake! What did he expect me to do, extending the opening hours more just for him?*rolls eyes* I know it was Saturday night, but there was no more guests around. I mean, just because he's my sister's friend doesn't make him get special treatment. I know what her friends (especially those guys) usually do when they come to the restaurant on Saturday nights. Only one or two will order something to drink at least, but then they end up hanging around until sometime around after midnight before finally getting bored or tired or whatever. Or sometimes, they just want to hang around without having to order anything else. And if they expect me to wait on them just like that like I usually did before, then it's not going to happen anymore this time.:( I'm not going to let them waste my precious time. Sorry, I've got better things to do.*rolls eyes* And believe me, it's not that I like being mean to them or anything else like that.:( Long ago, my sister had once suggested that we close at ten instead of nine, only so her friends could freely stick around much longer.*scoffs* Yeah, right. Does she even care that the kitchen staff could get exhausted too? No. But if she could pay us more, then that's just another story. Hehe.*big evil grin* At least, I was still kind enough to give Donnie a free glass of water that night.:P He'd still thanked me anyway. I was silently sorry for my lack of hospitality, though.*blushes* I suddenly dreamed of Andy last night. How strange.:-S He'd looked unusually anxious about something. That's why I texted his cellphone this morning. He replied, saying he was okay and thanks.:) Good. The Author

A SURPRISING (TEXT) MESSAGE :P
Last night, I was working on my short story while half-watching the re-run of "Hollow Man" on a local TV station, when my cellphone suddenly beeped. There was an incoming message! I checked and was genuinely surprised to find a number with a British area code. +44. Tiger?? (Okay, that was actually my very first thought.:P Hehe.) But then I read the message clearly: "Hi, haven't spoken to you in ages. How are things? And with Tiger? Also, I'd like to make you a bit jealous.:P I'm in London at the moment on training. Take care." After seconds, it hit me. Al??:O In London?? *gasps* Of course I envy him!:| I want to visit that city too (and of course, especially since I also want to see Tiger in Manchester --- for real this time.:P Hehe.*big evil grin*) Okay, speaking of Tiger, I've suddenly had this crazy idea.:P Since Al's on the job training for a week, I'm thinking about having my two friends meet there.:) Last night, Al sounded quite positive about my wanting him to meet Tiger for me. I don't know about Tiger, though. I'll have to ask him first. *gulps* The Author

BUSY...:P
Alhamdulillah.:D I just ended my fasting today with water and a chocolate bar. Simple. But I'd pouted a little when Mom kind of teased me, "Watch out with having too much chocolate or you'll gain more weight again after Eid." Believe me, that's what I'm also afraid of.:( I dug out my old collection of self-portraits, and I just found myself simply embarrassed by how I'd looked like during college years. Man, I was sooo fat! People were amazed to see that too. Hehe.:P*big evil grin* Alright, I'll stop being too self-conscious about the way I look.:P At least, I don't eat too much anymore and still get to enjoy my life. There'll be more catering orders tomorrow. No surprise, since it's still fasting month.:P I know I'm going to be busier. Which means, I'll have to delay my plan on finishing my short story for a local writing contest. The deadline is October 10. I still can catch up with it. There are still Saturday and Sunday, though.:D I'm reading Che Guevara's personal journal about people's revolution. That thick, red book belongs to my friend Hani and she only trusts me to borrow that from her. I'm not surprised that the guy will forever be a romantic and heroic legend in the hearts of many.:O Whoa! Okay, I think I need to stop writing now. I'm really tired.*yawns* The Author

FEELING GOOD :D
I must say I'm feeling good today.:D It's the sixth day of Ramadan and --- thank God --- I'm still fasting. And I've finally caught Tiger online this early morning.:D YAY! It's been a very long time since the last time he and I really talked. God, I've been missing him like crazy. It was clearly coincidental, though, but I'm still truly grateful.:) Tiger's finally gotten a part-time job at a store in Manchester.:D Alhamdulillah! He's been wanting that, because he wants to reduce his financial burden on his parents. Good boy. But, since he said college and work were tiring all at once (especially during this fasting month), he often had to skip early breakfast (sahur) for more sleep.:| I can understand that. However, I'm still a little worried about his health. He often gets hungry during the day. He's lost weight. I hope he'll keep watching out for himself there. I'm sure he's old enough to take care of himself. He knows what to do. "You're slimmer!:D Yay!:P*giggles*" "Ha ha!:P" "Well, I'm slimmer too, but I also have problems.:(" "What probs, sweetie?" "First, I have a more visible sign of scoliosis like my sister and most of the women in my family do.:| Second, many people here say my upper teeth look much bigger than usual. I'm afraid I must wear braces. And I hate going to the dentists." "I don't know about the first one, but you might want to check that up with the doc. Second, I think you'll look cute with braces." Hehe.:P*blushes* No, I'm not upset that he's getting busier with work there.:) He needs it. It's much better than more spare time still brooding. The Author

SLIMMER WITH BIGGER TEETH?:(
Who says being slimmer will always make any girl look even more beautiful?:( Alright, let's recap a little: I'd been fat since I was a child.:P It got worse during my teenage years. (Ha! No wonder.*rolls eyes*) My height just stopped at 5'05 ft. For an Asian girl that short, my heaviest weight back in high-school was: 185 lbs. Go figure. I didn't know that I'd also had over-eating disorder back then, although many people had told me that I'd have eaten like a hog. Five big meals in a day!:O Imagine that. Having an always taller, slimmer, and (more) popular older sister didn't give me much help. (I know, it's never her fault that she's always been that lucky.:| Her only minor visible flaw is a sign of scoliosis that runs in the women in our extended family.) I was convinced by the whole situation that no sane schoolboys would ever date me.:( So, I've become a tomboy to cover up my insecurity. (Although, I was also grateful and happy enough when most of my high-school classmates had voted me as The Senior Prom Queen before graduation, mostly because they'd been amazed with my new, unusual feminine look that night.:P Hehe.:D) Luckily, my weight slowly dropped during college years. 165 lbs. (Not bad, huh?:P) I also stopped doing the crash diet, because it had landed me in E.R. once on the second year of high school. But still, I couldn't shake off my insecurity.:( I hid my body in oversized T-shirts and jeans. Although I didn't want to deal with stupid diet pills anymore, I still couldn't resist temptations (and also seeking temporary solace during stress) in college's cafeterias and restaurants in malls.:P Once again, I amazed people with my bad eating habit. My concerned friends thought I was actually more of a nervous wreck on the inside. Anxiety disorder?:-S I'm afraid it might've been that. I love rock music. I still...err, bite my fingernails.*blushes* I used to pull my hair-strands, but now I often wear my bandanna to avoid doing that again. So far, writing's always been my best self-therapy.:) When my first love --- handsome gothic-prince Joza Bayu Kusumo --- started dating a girl (and finally is with Sasha now), I'd been emotionally crushed.:| I'd never told him my real feelings, though, because we'd been best friends already and I was afraid he might've disliked me for that. (Nonsensical? If you're living in my hometown, you'll get to understand more that girls who make the first move are still considered 'too aggressive' here.:(*sighs*) I couldn't get over him for three years. Since then, the internet's become my escapade. I thought I could never fall in love again, until I started getting to know Tiger...online.:) Of all of the guys I've ended up falling for, he's been the one to make me feel truly beautiful. Can you ever blame me for always loving him this much?:( *deep sigh* Anyway, after college graduation, I started taking aerobic classes and food-combining (not diets anymore!:x) Although the aerobic classes only lasted months, I still enjoy long-walks and eating sensibly.:) Thank God. And now I'm still 132 lbs.:D Aside from feeling healthier, happier, more confident, and less sick with myself, I also have bad news. First, I notice that I have a more, visible sign of scoliosis as well. Second, I'm afraid I might have to wear braces on my upper teeth as well, because I've had people tell me that my teeth look much bigger and out of proportion since I've become slimmer. Damn.:( The Author

LOVE, LIFE, AND MY WRITING :P
Hehe, I just don't know what happened to me yesterday.:P I thought about Tiger and ended up producing such an entry. It was sad, I know, but I still wanted to make it as light as possible. I hate cheesy and overly mushy stuff. If you've read "When Solitude Speaks" (the previous entry) and like it, thank you very much.:) I've also posted it on RYW, so the members there get to rate it. And finally, I've gotten an idea to write another short story from it.:D You see, I'm planning to join another local writing contest here. The deadline is still October 10, but I'd like to make it quick --- as usual. Besides, I'm afraid I'm going to be busy next week. I just checked the office calendar. More catering orders. ......................... Honestly, I'm still missing Tiger everyday.:( We hardly meet each other online these days. I know that I might usually be able to catch him in the early morning (well, maybe sometime around six or seven) online to talk. I love him, but I still have my own life to maintain too here. (Aside from the fact that --- duh, I still often let my pride get in the way again.*rolls eyes*) Besides, I'm not one of those aggressive, coquettish girls around him who like to flirt and seduce or even chase after him that way. Eww! I also don't want to be too emotionally dependent on him. It's been over three years already, and I'm sure he's already known what I'm actually made of. I've shown him enough. I've already done my best letting him know that I'm for real. Hell, yeah! I love him, always have and always will. He knows that too, because I've kept reminding him that long ago. That's why I'm not going to say such thing again to him. Too much is no good. Enough is enough. He knows where to find me. I won't reach out for him this time. It's all up to him. I've done all I could. Besides, feelings just can't be compelled. And if it turns out that he won't in the end, then there's nothing else that I can do, right?*shrugs* Bitching about that scary possibility is no use. That's just life. You don't always get what you want. But still, maybe I'll just send Tiger an e-mail. We used to talk alot during fasting month --- especially for the past couple of years.:( I miss those old moments. However, I'm still his best friend (and hopefully for always). That's something I'd very much like to keep and maintain. In a world of liars, backstabbers, and hypocrites, it's hard to find a true best friend --- but still possible.:) Thank God I've been given such blessings. Yeah, just a casual e-mail like: "Hey, how's your fasting going on?":) Just like old times. Anyway, I think I must get back to my writing now.:) Enough slacking off. I must be hurry or be left behind.:P Or wait, maybe I should write an e-mail for Tiger first. That sounds like the plan.*big evil grin* Hehe.*giggles* The Author

WHEN SOLITUDE SPEAKS...
Do you know a place between asleep and awake? I think it's where you (can) remember all your dreams. Good or bad, happy or sad...they're all there. Yes, they're just like fragments of (real) life itself --- memories you can't erase. That's just how I feel about you these days. It's funny how I can always see you with my eyes closed. But then, I know that when I open them again, you'll be long gone and all I can only see around me is just the (real) world without you. It's like seeing a mirage in the desert under a scorching sun, or feeling overly cautious with the lurking shadows under your own feet in the dead of the night. Oftentimes, you're left all alone just to wonder: Is it really there, or your own, evil side of mind just playing mean tricks on you? Many nights I've seen you in my dreams. I don't even know if I could still recall those as sweet ones or even...nightmares. I can't barely tell the difference anymore. All I often notice is that sweet smile on your face, just like the photographs you've shown me. However, there's something else in your eyes that I just can't quite describe. It sends strange shivers down my spine and makes time stand still. I know I can feel you close, but --- ironically --- we're also worlds apart. Somehow, the ugly distance always forms itself into transparent, invisible walls between us --- taking away the strength on my feet to even try to move forward. I guess that's why I'm always afraid to reach out and touch you, knowing that somehow --- one way or another --- I'll simply wake up again anyway to find that you're not even really there at all. So, what's the point? They see me as merely a breathing, walking fool. No true idealists nor romantics can live forever, for they're never really connecting with reality. That's what they all believe about me. In the end, I'll just keep hurting myself even more and more than before. They think getting over you is easy, after loving you truly, madly, deeply (and desperately, yikes!) for years. They think it's like a walk in the park on a sunny day with your dog, or changing trends in fashion. Well, what do they really know? Personally, I'm glad they're not standing in these shoes. I'm not sure mine will ever fit. I'm not even sure they can take it. I know, I'm being awfully sarcastic again. I know they care and only mean well, eventhough they don't (can't or even won't) understand. Oh, well. I'm really asking for way too much, aren't I? Maybe I'm actually just a living myth to you. I've been your true best friend, a cheerful pixie who loves singing you a lullabye just to help you sleep better at night. A lonely fairy who owns an isolated castle, always letting its doors open for your wretched, restless soul to enter and seek solace in it. I actually don't mind, though, as long as I can make you smile and just be happy again. But perhaps, I often forget my own imperfections as well. They wonder why I'm still playing this so-called superhero character, knowing I'm just an ordinary girl. My wish to save and protect you from such awful heartache has somehow caused me to forget my own emotional scars --- and gradually cost me my sanity. It's funny how love can still make you believe that nothing can ever really break you, because you're strong enough to take any of it. In the end, I'm still left with my own helplessness --- all by myself. I'm only human. My wings to fly and magic wand are only make-believe. This is not a fairy-tale with a happy-ending, and I'm not a silly little girl anymore. This is not child's play. I bleed just the same. Do you know that place between asleep and awake? I believe it's where you remember all your dreams. Sweet, sour, and bitterness are stirred in the melting pot. Blinding lights in the city at night or colourful blobs of pedestrians and speeding vehicles in the daytime. Children's laughter versus ear-shattering arguments. A lonely soul among the cheerful crowd. A quiet girl pondering at a noisy room from the corner. Is there something wrong with this picture? I don't know. Which side of reality am I really in now? Right now, I don't care. I don't even want to think about it way too much. Just for now, I just want to survive and stay alive --- even with only what's left of me. I believe God's always been kind enough to you and me, despite our flaws and nagging insecurities. But still, our past conversations --- including your singing voice and laughter on the line --- make me wish for time to stop. Freeze the moment, so you can stay much longer. I wish I could just tug at your sleeve and ask you not to leave me, like a child fearing darkness and solitude all at once. But still, I remain quiet --- for I hate to show you my inner vulnerability. Do you know the place between asleep and awake? Well, guess what? It's where I am now, silently praying to our God to help us wake up to a more comforting reality. It's where I'll always love you. The Author

A MORNING VISIT TO SENAYAN...:)
I woke up late for my early breakfast (sahur) before fasting today!:( Minutes before the usual morning prayer started, I'd only frantically gulped an entire bottle of cold water --- just to be on the safe side! There was no more time for a quick meal, though. Worst of all, I still suck at cooking...*blushes* *deep sigh* Anyway, at least a little morning walk around Senayan helped me kill the time a little.:P There was no morning catering orders in the restaurant, so I paid a little visit to these two places: 1.The Library@Senayan, Departemen Pendidikan Nasional (Department of National Education). 2.The Wall Street Institute, Ratu Plaza. The library's pretty cool.:) They even have internet access and a small cafe too. I'll put that on my definitely hang-out spots' list.:D Of course, I've finally gotten to meet Patrick at WSI.:D I didn't want to disturb him at work, so it was only for a short time. Patrick's more filled up that his pink cheeks are slightly rounder. To be honest, I also like his preppy-look. Hmm, I think I must find some quality time to hang out with him, Andy, and everybody else again.:) Thank God he's free on Monday nights. The Author

ALRIGHT...*
Alright, so today's the very first day of the fasting month.:D How have I been feeling so far? Hungry? No.:P Thirsty? Hmm, well...yeah, maybe a little. Sleepy? ......................... Yes! That's the most correct answer.*giggles* I know, after having rice with corned beef (and lots of water, that's always important before and after fasting days!), I should've avoided my own bed after my morning prayer too.:P Too much sleep during fasting can cause me a headache. I was supposed to do something else much more productive, at least to bring more positive energy to work.:| And I didn't get to surprise Patrick at work this morning, just as I'd silently planned earlier last night.:( I miss him so. I haven't seen him again in over a month. I wonder how he looks like now. Andy's recent story about him still leaves me dead curious. *deep sigh* Oh, well. Maybe next time. Soon, I hope. I know Patrick's staying here in my country for another year. I mean, there's still enough time for me to catch up with him, right?:) Last year, we opened at two pm during Ramadan.:P But I guess I must give up hope for extra free-time this year.*sighs* I've also longed to visit that cool library at Senayan. It got covered by a local TV station. It looks like another potentially safe haven for me. *huffs*Alright. No more complaints.:P The Author *Read the title with a flat tone.:P

BEFORE THE FASTING MONTH...
Today is the last ordinary day --- for me and all Muslims in the world, at least --- before Ramadan starts tomorrow. No, actually it's already started this evening, because our Tarawih prayers already start taking place. YAY!:D Well, for this year, I'm still trying my hardest to do these two particularly difficult things (since I've often failed than succeeded *blushes*): 1.Controlling my temper.:( 2.Really forgiving other people for having done me --- and even especially the people I truly care about --- wrong.:( And, although I don't talk much in real life, I hope I'm not bitching about other people for way too much --- because it's actually forbidden in Ramadan. But, what about bitching in my writing?? I think it'll hurt other people less if they don't happen to read what I write.:P Right?? ......................... *deep sigh* Alright, I'll also try my best reducing that. *blushes* love, The Author

HECTIC...
Alright, I know that I haven't been updating in a while.:P Sorry, I've been hecticly busy lately. (Btw, does the word 'hecticly' even exist? Hehe.*big evil grin*) And I'm still feeling all sleepy and slightly disoriented while writing this entry, but...hey, I'll try my best anyway.;) Last Thursday, Mary Jo finally moved to Bandung.:| I missed her, but --- like Kristin said in her current e-mail --- that was probably for the best. Living alone in Jakarta can cost you big. I'd also asked Patrick --- via text message --- about starting his new job as an English teacher at "Wall Street Institute" in Ratu Plaza, South Jakarta that day too.:) He said it would start on Friday morning at ten. About that radio show "Speak-Out"? Well, Patrick said he was still trying to bring it back to live. Wait until he's finally well-adjusting to his new schedule here and --- hopefully --- it'll be back on air before the end of this year.;) Fast forward to Saturday. My sister was having another garage sale in our family's restaurant. However, it wasn't a huge success.:| Oh, well. At least my brother was happy enough to find two T-shirts to buy.:P Me?? Well, I'm not exactly a shopper --- but I'll always visit the book fairs and stores, and also record stores too for that.:D I know that The Almost Twins want me to pay more interest in my outer appearance. Hmm, come to think of it, I'm not sure if I even have my own fashion statement anyway.*scratches head* Oh, and my best friend Nick also called me on Saturday morning (his Friday night, of course, knowing I'm twelve hours ahead of him.:P) We talked for an hour. Somehow, it had brightened up my day.;) His laughter had brought this smile on my face.:) And I hope he's not blushing while reading this.*big evil grin* My brother and I are betting that we can still see The Petrelli Brothers --- Nathan (Adrian Pasdar) and Peter (Milo Ventimiglia) --- alive on the second season of "Heroes".:P We'll see.*shrugs* On Sunday morning, Patrick suddenly texted my cellphone --- telling me that he'd met my old high-school friend Selina at WSI.:) No surprise. She studies there. Then I hung out with Hani at Gramedia in Matraman.:) I ended up staying at her place for the night in Bekasi Raya, East Jakarta. We'd passed Kali Malang (and the traffic was a real bitch, and so was the angkot driver. Ugh!*rolls eyes*) And Mbak Bina had made delicious pizza for our dinner.:D She'd even shown me the pictures of her with her handsome, Rumanian husband Fiorel when they were in The States together.*drools at the handsome profile* Hehe.*big evil grin* Last Monday night, Andy had told me on the phone that...Patrick's gained more weight.:P God, I miss hanging out with you, guys! And I'm also dead curious with Patrick's new look.*big evil grin* The Author

THE WEEKEND STORIES
Three days before last Saturday, I'd received a call from SPICE! magazine. They said I'd won a contest again to see the premiere of "Disturbia" on September 1 at ten in the morning in Djakarta Theatre, Sarinah, Central Jakarta. YAY!! A couple of days before Saturday, I'd gone to Wisma Kosgoro in Sudirman, Central Jakarta, to claim the prize. When I found out that I'd gotten a pair of invitations, I quickly searched for a partner. My brother was the first option, but he couldn't go. Thankfully, Hani wanted to go.;) However, things had turned up pretty awful on that Saturday morning...well, for Hani mostly.:P Knowing she lives in Bekasi, she'd gotten stuck at the traffic (typical.*giggles*) Poor you, girl.*big evil grin* I had no problem getting there, though. It's my turf anyway, haha! At straight ten, I entered Studio One with the rest of the lucky winners. Honestly, I'd felt a little devastated when Hani told me --- via text message --- that she might've run a little late.:| But still, I tried enjoying the movie. Sometime during the movie, I saw a familiar figure entering the darkened studio and walking past me. Hani??:-S I'd hissed at her, but I figured she might not have heard me because she'd kept on walking. I didn't dare call her louder too, mostly because: 1.I might've possibly disturbed other audience! 2.I could've been mistaken to think it was her.:P Anyway, how was the movie? (Beware spoilers, btw!*big evil grin*) After his father's tragic death in a car accident, Kale Brecht (Shia LaBeouf from "Transformers") became a trouble-maker at school. The boiling point was finally reached when he was sentenced to a three-month house-arrest after assaulting a teacher. Things got even more complicated when Kale started developing a new hobby to cure his boredom at home; spying on his neighbours. Besides getting to know new girl-next-door Ashley (Sarah Romer), Kale also started suspecting mysterious, sinister-looking Robert Turner (David Morse) as a serial killer mentioned on the news. However, no one seemed to want to take Kale seriously --- except Ashley and his best friend Ronnie. Soon the trio joined to uncover Mr.Turner's skeletons in the closet.*big evil grin* All in all, this is a classic thriller lightened with teen comedy and modernized with more gadgets.:P I love the plot, 'though I've felt minor glitches too. The revealing of the mystery was a little too quick (but I guess it must've been some sort of editorial policy!) Carrie Anne Moss who played Kale's stressed-out mother was wearing black through the entire scenes (or was it just to portray the still grieving widow?) And why did they have to make Mr.Turner look a little too 'Hannibal Lecter'-esque --- with his white hair? It just threw the killer's profile into a cliche. Anyway, after the movie, I'd finally met Hani.:P We both giggled at the fact that she'd been allowed to enter --- even without the actual invitation (which was still in my hand!*giggles*) That girl surely knew how to persuade the doorman.:P On Saturday night, Mary Jo and Sara stopped by at my family's restaurant for dinner.:D Mary Jo ordered fried rice and lemon squash. (Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to ask the kitchen staff to ditch the spices, so I ended up making her unable to completely finish it. Too spicy! Sorry.*blushes*) Sara ordered chicken teriyaki with rice and soursop juice.:) Thank God she loved those! Then, the three of us ended up decorating the left-over chocolate muffins with colourful icings.:D That was fun! I enjoyed Sara's childlike mischief, especially when she'd teased Mary Jo and me --- pretending to spray the icings on us.*giggles* Even my parents --- who'd been around that night --- laughed pretty hard. LOL!!:P On Sunday afternoon, we'd spent Sara's last day in Jakarta with a visit to Monumen Nasional (Monas) --- The National Monument.:D Since I was the first to show up on time (as usual!*big evil grin*),I'd decided to sit down under the statue of Prince Diponegoro on a horse (our meeting point). I read a book until Hani and Mbak Bina finally showed up. The three of us sat by the fountain, chatting while waiting for the others to come. Finally, Mary Jo and Sara turned up a few minutes later. Thinking nobody else would've come, the five of us went straight inside the Monas --- through the tunnel. Sara had wanted to go to the top of Monas, so all of us bought the special tickets. The underground museum just brought me childhood memories back. Those dioramas still looked so gloomy!:P After a quick tour around the underground museum, we'd got out and joined what was supposed to be a queueing line.*rolls eyes* Ugh, Sunday sloppy visitors!:x They just littered and cut in a line. Hani and I were dead furious because of that. GRRRHHH!!! Shame on them!! Worst of all, the security guard could do nothing to keep them all in a more appropriate order. Nice job for showing us a lousy service.*rolls eyes* He had absolutely no guts for telling those who'd cut in to respect other visitors queueing already. Why? Because most of them looked more like bluffing thugs. However, he was giving such an attitude when he came to Hani and tell her to calm down --- right after she'd angrily yelled at the people up front who had somehow pushed back pretty hard! Yeah, right.:x What was up with that? What was wrong with that picture? Honestly, I'd been almost tempted by Sara's crazy idea of creating a sudden domino effect.*big evil grin* Hani was still fuming when the security guard took off. Seriously, I'd even had a strong urge to just slap him in the face and tell him that he'd done a banged-up job!:x But Sara was right, violence was no use. In the end, we could only chew up our snacks to reduce our anger and frustration. Sara even tried to cheer us up again by telling jokes and even making fun of that stupid security guard by saying, "He's trying to look mean. Nice try." *big evil grin* True. When he heard me complain again about the queueing line being crossed, the security guard chose to ignore and avoid me.*scoffs* Pathetic coward! About two hours later or so, we'd finally gotten to use the elevator.*huffs* Good. As soon as we reached the top, we got out to admire the view.:O It was so beautiful. The sky had gradually darkened as it was already four. The wind was blowing pretty hard. Cool!:D We took pictures and looked out and down between the bars. Too bad, Mary Jo and Sara couldn't stay long.:( We'd bid farewell to them --- especially Sara. It's been fun.:) Mary Jo's moving to Bandung on September 6, though. Well, at least we'll still get to meet each other when I visit that town. Mbak Bina, Hani, and I stayed until sometime around seven. The sky was pretty much dark now. There was this cute Caucasian guy (not so tall with lovely stubble :P) with his two friends --- a guy and a girl. When he separated with them for a while, Hani had challenged me to come up and talk to him. Want to know how it went?*giggles* Guy:(sticking his head out between the bars to look down) Me:"I hope you can still get your head out of it." Guy:(pulling his head out back and staring at me with a surprised smile) Me:(smiling back)"Yeah, because I had to ask my friend to flip my ear for that." Guy:(chuckling)"Really?" Okay, call that a chicklit chapter.:P His name was Jans, and he was a German on a vacation. We'd talked long enough before his friends finally turned up again. Hehe.*giggles*:P The Author

THE TROUBLE WITH THE BULLIES
Alright, where do I begin?:P For the past couple of days, the sun's been scorching like crazy here! Two nights ago, I'd returned home early to watch "Heroes" undisturbed --- except by my stupid headache.:x When the headache got really bad, I decided to give up staying awake and just...crash. Yeah, I simply blacked out for the rest of the night. I guess it must've been the heat-stroke. *rolls eyes* Yesterday, Menti had specifically asked me to accompany her to '70' Public High-School in Bulungan, South Jakarta. She was handing her son Panji's resignation letter to the headmaster. It's actually one of the academically great schools in South Jakarta. However, my cousin is now safely in another private high-school. Right.:| I bet you're curious now. What am I actually talking about here?*big evil grin* High-school bullies.*rolls eyes* Yeah, those aggravating little pests still exist and seem to multiply from time to time.:x Boys and girls are hardly no difference at all. They're just as sickeningly disgusting to me! YUCK!! After being seriously bashed by the senior students (for no reasons but showing their so-called superiority a.k.a.insecurity), my cousin had missed two weeks of school --- due to his bruises, asthma attack, and fever.:( His parents couldn't take it anymore, so...I've already mentioned how it went later. Any effort from the school --- the teachers, the PTA, the headmaster?:| I know it's not easy and can't be done overnight. The headmaster said so. If the parents of all bullying victims (mostly the freshmen every year) came up together and file charges against the known bullies (mostly seniors), a lot more could be handled. All bullies could get expelled and the long chain of (unnecessary) violence could be broken...completely and hopefully for good. But the problem is, even one little snitch can still get caught.:( It's been that way for years already, and the number of new male students in '70' just decreases every year. It's even more like...a gang initiation. (Although I was just a student in where Panji is now, I'd noticed their consecutive brawls --- either with other students inside their own school or with other schools nearby! There were even serious encounters with the local authorities and...deaths in year 2000.) *deep sigh* Menti and I saw it clearly what most people (maybe even the teachers there!) pretended not to notice.:( Three beautiful 'Mean Girls' simply forced a freshman girl to buy them snack and lunch. That poor little girl just went skittish with fear and reluctantly obeyed. Grrrh!:x Silly, insecure little bitches!! They thought they could forever be the queens and ruling everybody. Believe me, I'd wanted to slap their silly, slutty faces --- but hell, I knew better not to. I'm just a mere outsider.:( Well, just wait until they meet the real, cruel world out there.*big evil grin* Then we'll get to see who's going to get the last laugh out of it... The Author

A SLEEPY GIRL'S RANDOMNESS
Will this be another short entry?:P Hehe. I don't know.*shrugs* We'll see as I write on.;) Today's just another half a day at work.:D YAY! I'll get to watch "Heroes" un-disturbed and sleep early...again. I'll get to do my favourite things. Man, I have writing contests to catch up with! Why the hell did I let myself slide?:( I have to remain creative. Besides, writing is also my favourite way to earn extra income. I love that!:D ......................... Okay, I know that I'm just trying my best to sound really positive and cheerful about myself and my own situation here lately.:| Actually, I still feel rather sleepy and dizzy today. I can't think clearly. Right now, all I want to do is just sleep and not have to worry about anything or anyone else for a while (well, besides also watching "Heroes" freely --- like I've said earlier.:P) Maybe I need to escape for a while.:| I'm thinking about going to stay over at Hani's boarding house in Bekasi. She's already invited me, promising me one of her most favourite books she'll lend me if I come.:) She's such a great pal. She often makes me laugh whenever we hang out together. She's fun.:D I can't wait for another Sunny Sunday this week.:D Andy said Patrick was coming on September 2. If he can show up before the gathering and his jet-lag isn't so bad, I hope he'll show up too. I've missed him! The Author

PRIMADONNA COMPLEX (POEM)
Holler your threats at me, only to make you look tough. You're not that scary, and I refuse to call your bluff. From one guy to another, just to make yourself (feel) pretty. Yeah, right --- whatever. You're just an ugly wannabe. Always complain about everything when nothing's as you please. For me, you're plainly irritating, and I won't bow to kiss your feet. Of course, they all can see you, a so-called diva with an attitude. Believe it pays off to be rude, so the center-stage can be yours for good. You may win your all-time favorite game, a popularity contest among the crowd. Soon, you'll meet your own shame, when they find out what you're really about. Just an insecure little girl, pretending she can rule the world. Thankfully, I've got better things to do, than wasting my time for people like you!

LITERALLY POWERLESS...:(
This will be a short entry.:| I'd also very much like to actually, literally scream with obvious relief: "THANK GOD I'VE ONLY WORKED HALF A DAY!" Right. I am terribly exhausted now. I've been working like crazy since last night.:| Hundreds of orders --- in four places today!:O*gasps* Imagine that. And I couldn't sleep well last night.*yawns hugely* I had another strange nightmare about seeing my own dead body drowning --- completely underwater. My face was pale and my lips were purply-blue. But strangely, I'd looked very asleep and peaceful. *shudders* Unfortunately, I still can't think clearly now.:( I know, my previous statement about Tiger's ex wasn't entirely fair.*blushes* I mean, she actually is heartless.:x But still, now she has the rights to do whatever the hell she likes, regardless Tiger's feelings about it. It's him who has to really get over her. Soon. And the bitch is, I still feel so powerless about that.*sighs* Damn it.:( You know what? I don't want to think or even feel about anything or anyone else right now but my own needs. I'm tired. Screw this!:x I want to be selfish now. I need my peaceful solitude. Sleep... The Author

THE BROKEN ROMEOS AND ME :(
*deep sigh* I've been feeling blue since morning.:( What really sucks big time is that I can't just shake it off. I've just made sure that it won't ruin my day so much. (Or, ironically --- has it already?) It started from the morning I chatted with Tiger online. Despite the rather bad connection, I was still happy to hear from him again.:) I mean, I always am.*shrugs* That, until he started mentioning about his ex being online.:| (FYI, he'd appeared offline just so she wouldn't disturb him with her load of b.s. anymore.*rolls eyes*) She displayed her picture with her latest boyfriend while she was online (guy no.13 or 31?*scoffs* Whatever.) I saw what he saw (especially because she's still on my Messenger list too.:|) And I could already tell how he must've felt, even before he told me himself: "I hate her displayed picture." :'-(... I know, sweetheart. I know. God, she's really heartless --- letting him see that!:x But still, Tiger did have a point about one thing: it's up to her. There's nothing else he can do about it anymore. I mean, they've broken up, remember? "It's her life, as long as she's happy." That's obviously an understatement. "I just hope that someday, I'll find my peace in reality.:)" "Yeah.:)" *sighs* I hope so too. For you, I'd chase away the blues if I could.:| Then, Tiger started re-calling my old memories about some of the other guys I'd ever loved in the past.:| Nanda...Joza...T.B.... And Tiger --- I don't know why --- has been the longest I've ever loved...and still do.:P Wow, that's like...breaking the record, isn't that? Ha-ha!*big evil grin* ......................... Okay, I was just humouring myself.:P I know and can truly understand what Tiger really meant.:| It's still normal for all of us to feel sad about someone we onced loved who's now away --- or even with another. It hasn't been easy. I know it never really is. But still, it saddens me big time to know how he feels.:( I love Tiger, but I assure you --- it has nothing to do with me being jealous. I am not. I just want Tiger to be completely happy again.:'-( Then I received a mail from my old pal River from Syracuse, NY. I know we haven't really talked in ages, but I still try to catch up with his webcomic and its forum too. I know about his break-up last year with his fiancee of seven years already.*gulps* Although they've agreed to stay friends, when she started dating another guy --- he's taking it really hard. He still loves her...:'-( Why?:'-( These heartbroken Romeos...I don't know what to do with them. I'm just emotionally affected by their sad stories, but I'm only in love with one and it's still just the hardest to deal with sometimes. *deep sigh* The Author

SATURDAY NIGHT
My Saturday night wasn't so bad.:) My brother took all of us family --- even including...well, Gatot :| --- for a family dinner at Chatterbox in Senayan City, Central Jakarta. It's been like, ages since our last family dinner out. And for my dear brother's sake, I'd remained un-hostile to The Princess Brat's boyfriend. Besides, he was already thoughtful enough (despite the unusual :P) to take us there with his family's black Avanza. I should really appreciate that. Maybe there'll be a change of attitude in him soon (in a more positive way, I hope.) Then, perhaps I'll get to like him better and not think of him as just a mere leech in my family. Besides, his family are nice. Maybe he'll grow up completely and become more mature (although I still truly believe that "boys will always be boys.":P No protests, gentlemen.*big evil grin* It's been a lifetime proof already.) In other words, I don't like having enemies.:| I never really do anyway. I also realise that I am not perfect, just a mere mortal with flaws like everybody else. But still, sometimes people just give me no choice. I can't always help myself, though.*shrugs* And I also wish Mom would stop treating him as if he were some sort of this flawless character or something.:( Trust me, it's still not a pretty sight seeing her all like that. Besides, I'm not the only one who thinks that way about her a lot lately. Not anymore. Four people in my family have already been on my side. They've agreed. Menti...her husband Big Memi...and my two aunts Yanti and Ria... The Author

A SLEEPY GIRL'S LITTLE HOPES
How am I doing today?:P I'm feeling tired. It's been quite a hectic day since early morning. You may guess just what time Mom and I left for work today. Five.:P I'm serious, people. 5:00 am. And now, I just can't stop yawning.*yawns* This sleepy girl misses her bed.*giggles* But still, a job is a job. I must remain a responsible, professional adult at work here --- eventhough it's my own family's business.:P *yawns hugely* Excuse me...:P Besides this, I haven't been able to write anything else, because I still can't barely concentrate.:| Bummer. I guess I'll have to find my own quiet solitude for that, but when? I miss my own sanctuary --- here inside my head. ......................... *re-reads the last written sentence* Okay, I think that just sounds too weird!:P *giggles* Menti, my brother, and I have been on the road most of the day --- delivering catering orders. By the time we returned to The Restaurant, a group of people from a local production house had been taking shots in the patio. Mom told me that they were my college friend Tio's friends at work. And they'd finally left at around 2:35 pm or something. No, we didn't charge them for using the patio. But at least they'd ordered quite lots and paid, because I'd definitely have complained to Tio if they hadn't.:P I know we'll get a free publishing of our restaurant from that TV show, but --- hey, business is still business.*shrugs* Don't like our policy?*big evil grin* Get out. It's just that simple. Still, I'm worried that Mom will tell...Gatot about this.:( Want to know why? The last time another production house crew showed up to use The Restaurant as their setting, Gatot --- who'd showed up from work to hang around my family --- watched them for a while. Then the electricity had suddenly gone down. Eventhough the matter was quickly resolved, Gatot had complained to Mom about letting them to use The Restaurant freely. It didn't matter to him that they had ordered meals and drinks and paid. And, guess what?:x Mom simply agreed. But, even if he did have a point, that just wasn't the case. Who the hell did he think he was, jumping straight into other people's business and acting smart like that?:x I mean, who made him the boss anyway?! Nobody asked for his opinion on that or anything else! His annoyed tone had sounded seriously irritating. Ugh.*rolls eyes* *deep sigh* Anyway, Tiger's finally recorded another new song --- an acoustic rock ballad after what seemed like a very long time.:) I've listened to it already and...it brought tears to my eyes.:'-( It's very sad and beautiful. About Tiger?:| I don't know. Knowing just how little my luck has been in this before, I don't dare hope for way too much this time. I'll just do my best in loving him as much as I can and as long as God allows me to, with a little hope that God will grant me this one little wish... The Author

OUT OF THE BLUE...:D
Last night turned out to be one of the happiest in my life so far --- after what had seemed like a very long time.:D Tiger is back!!:D Yes, people. He was online again. *deep sigh* Oh, my God.:'-) I've been missing him like crazy. (Hehe, I'm not ashamed to admit that right now.:P Besides, it's not wrong to be honest with yourself, is it?) He's finally living in his new place in Manchester with his old high-school pal.:) Thank God for that, I must say. He said he liked it much better. Good. And he also knew that his ex had talked to me online recently.*big evil grin* Al was right; there's no need for me to feel jealous of her at all anymore. Tiger and I ended up laughing at her stupid, silly charade. Her games are already way too old and cheap. No more... He's moved on, God.:) Finally. Thank You very much for always taking care of him, The Best Way You're Forever Capable Of. Alhamdulillah...:) Then, it was just like old times again.:) We'd mostly joked around --- back and forth. Perfect. But I hope he was really serious when he said this: "Do you have any idea just how much fun we'll have in real life together?:)" "I seriously want that to happen." And yes, I mean it.;) "Someday, hon. Someday...:)" *melts like jelly*:P For once, I'd like to know how it feels to be the heroine with the happy-ending (in reality, of course.) Will I get my turn this time?:| The Author

THE LONG WEEKEND
Yesterday was my brother's 24th birthday, beside also my beloved country's 62nd anniversary of independence. Aside from my obvious cynicism regarding my country's recent situations (a.k.a. reality *rolls eyes*), I only believed in celebrating one. We'd only surprised my brother in the restaurant's kitchen with a very delicious neapolitan ice-cake (*slurps*) while he'd been making poffertjes (sp?). Unlike The Princess Brat and...well, me (*blushes*) --- he's a great cook. (I can cook, but if my mood is awful --- it usually tastes...as awful.:( The Princess Brat? Ha, don't even ask! If she can still tell others to cook anything for her, then why should she?*big evil grin* Hehe.) Anyway, my brother was sooo happy.:) And the ice-cake was super yummy too.:P*giggles* Man, I could forget about worrying about my weight for a day. And, for my brother's sake, I tried my best to shield my obvious resentment over...Gatot.:| I didn't want to ruin my brother's special day with it. Trust me, it wasn't easy. But at least I could get myself a little credit for being tolerant enough. I mean, among the three of us (The Almost Twins and I), my brother happens to be the nicest.:) He's not as bratty and demanding as our 'precious' sister and also not as temperamental and downright rude at times like me.:| His still innocent eyes just don't see what I see. Gatot's family suddenly wanted to take The Princess Brat to Semarang with them last night, because Gatot's grandmother suddenly passed away.:| (I assure you that I'm not going to be mean about this because I've lost my grandmas too.) They came to pick her up last night and would be back on Sunday. Surprise, surprise. Okay, I'm going to be fair about this. Gatot's family are...nice. No, really. I'm not making this up. His parents are warm. They even have approved The Princess Brat already (well, even if their only, 'beloved' son still isn't sure.*rolls eyes*) His eldest sister Mbak Dien once visited the restaurant with her two little daughters Rasha and Rana. She was also sweet, not mooching like her brother. She even respected our business by paying for her ordered meals (eventhough Mom had told me earlier not to give her the bills.*rolls eyes*) I've never personally met his other sister Nanda, but I heard she was also okay too. Her baby boy Alvin is also cute and sweet. The Princess Brat once took him to the restaurant (another talent she owns that I don't: good at dealing with little kids. Me? Don't ask.*blushes* I'll be their worst nightmare when I flip.:P) That's why I wonder why Gatot is being such a fake. I've also heard that he's always being spoiled at home. Ha! No surprise, but no excuse as well. Thankfully, I'm going to attend another gathering tomorrow --- same time, same place.:D Last gathering was rather too quiet, because only four people showed up. Mary Jo, Andy, Hani, and...me.:| I hope tomorrow will be different. The Author

TWO DAYS IN AN ENTRY...
I didn't get the chance to update an entry yesterday, so I am going to recap a couple of days into this one. I'd finally composed another writing beside...this.:P I'd sent a quick-written poem for an online contest before August 15 (the deadline). However, I wasn't too happy about it.:( I'm still battling my writer's block here. I hate it. By the time I returned to The Restaurant, it turned out that my brother's friend (who's also become mine, due to our similar interests in arts and stuff) Danar and his new girlfriend Galuh had already been there two nights ago. Danar's suggestion really hit me and --- since he's also already a professional freelance artist --- I must take his words for it. "We can't always rely on our mood. Actually, it's up to us to keep stabilizing it by mentally creating a comfort zone around us for that." Alright, I get it.:| That means I must relax and discover my quiet solitude and my me-time. These days have been hectic. It's not that I'm being ungrateful with work and not enjoying it too, though. All the while Danar and I had been exchanging a conversation, I caught Galuh paying close attention to us with obvious interest and curiousity. (I still don't know her much yet, but she seems nice and friendly --- although tad quiet too. Danar once mentioned that she was also an introvert like me.) I grinned at her and casually explained, "Well, he and I often discuss stuff like this and also exchange ideas and suggestions." "Oh, I see." Galuh nodded with a sweet smile on her beautiful face.:) I'd felt relieved. I don't know why I often unconsciously do that. It's like, when my male buddies are in a relationship and bringing their girlfriends along --- I have to make sure that my existence in these guys' lives won't cause any kind of (unnecessary) jealousy nor insecurity, if you know what I mean. I respect other people's relationships. It's all cool if I'm not attracted to him and still able to get along with the girlfriend. But if I am, I still have to be fair. Either way, I just want to show that I'm not a threat to anybody's relationships here.*shrugs* Besides, I believe I don't have the talent to be a wrecker.:P Hehe. I am a terrible liar and I also don't have the heart to do so. Okay, or maybe I am being rather too paranoid here.:| I mean, we all know that some people can be awfully insecure --- and that just sucks big time. Thank God, Galuh seemed cool.:D In the end, she borrowed my SPICE!'s booklet of short stories from last year's issue on November. (One of my work was published in it.;D) She even asked me to teach her how to write a story. (Huh??) Well, since I'm not exactly a professional in it, I can only say: 1.It all starts from genuine interest.;) Do you like writing? Do you really want to do it --- no matter how and what? 2.Reading references are necessary, but don't copy if you want your own authenthicity (sp?). 3.Writing a journal is already a good start, because it's so much easier. It's like having your own life as plots in your stories. Each entry contains its own short story, I believe.:P (That's why I believe that everyone can be a writer if they really want to.) I've read cool stuff written by talented bloggers online.:D 4.If you wish to do a fiction, let your creative imaginations loose. Then you can go from there. The rest is up to you, because the journey is yours.;) Right, where was I? Since we were swamped with catering orders yesterday, Mom and I had decided to crash at Panglima Polim the night before. I guess I'd somehow ruined Gatot's plan to sleep over as well.*big evil grin* I'd been half-asleep upstairs in The Almost Twins' shared room when The Bratty Couple suddenly barged in. They'd wanted to watch a DVD together. When The Princess Brat (my sister) told me that Mom still had some cream soup as leftovers downstairs, I got up. Good. I could just get out of there soon without seeming rude, as if I'd clearly wanted to avoid her stuck-up boyfriend somehow.*rolls eyes* Oh, wait. I really did want to avoid him.*big evil grin* That was just one damn good excuse (although I was also hungry...again.:P Hehe.) At The Restaurant, I finished the entire bowl while Mom was preparing things for the catering orders. The delicious after-hour meal somehow made me feel all sleepy again. I guess I must've dozed off while lying on the couch, because --- when I suddenly woke up again at straight midnight! --- Mom was already gone and all the lights were out, although the AC was still on. (It was obvious that she'd intentionally left it on for me, since mid-year is always the hottest in Jakarta. Well, it's always tropical here.:P) But the mosquitos were bitches!:x Grrr, sleazy little blood-suckers --- disturbing me in my sleep!! I don't know if Gatot really did stay overnight, because he and his gray scooter had gone the morning I woke up. To be honest, I don't even want to know. Don't bother. All yesterday went by in a flash, but thank God we closed the restaurant early (at 3:30 pm) --- due to mass exhaustion from the morning's catering orders.:P I'd met that same guy in the cargo elevator again, but --- unfortunately --- this time he wasn't so good-looking as before.*giggles* I guess first impression doesn't always last long. Hehe.*big evil grin* At home last night, my parents and I watched "Heroes".:D Mom thought that my hair looked like Sendhil Rawamurthy's (you know, that handsome Indian actor who plays Mohinder Suresh in that TV series) when I forgot to brush it. Ha-ha.:P Eventhough he's gorgeous (especially with that smile and...*gasps* thick eyebrows!:P) and I'm a tomboy, that kind of teasing was still not so appealing. Get real, Mom. And I've also noticed that his accent sometimes reminds me of...Tiger.:( I miss him, I must admit (Tiger, not Sendhil.) And I think I'm going to cry now. :'-(... Alright, alright, I'll snap my sappy self out of it!*rolls eyes* *deep sigh* Not much to tell about today.:P The Princess Brat pouted when our brother told her he couldn't drive her to work because he had to deliver the orders. She'd called for a taxicab in the end, eventhough it's bloody expensive. Good.:| She's supposed to realise and understand that she's not always everybody's first priority on their list. The Author

IN THE CARGO ELEVATOR...:P
I don't know just what happened with me right in the cargo elevator this morning.:P You see, I was just delivering the catering orders to a client in their office with my aunt Menti. After that, she and I went back to use the cargo elevator. Just as I pressed the button to close the door, I heard a panicked shout outside --- at floor 15. "Wait, I'm coming with you too!" I quickly held the door for the voice's owner. And there he was, entering the cargo elevator in a hurry --- pushing a large iron cart with heavy machineries on it. Then I let the door slide shut again. Rather unconsciously somehow, I took a little glance at that guy. *blushes* OMG!*gasps* He was gorgeous.*bats my eyelashes* *giggles* Alright, further description: medium height for Asian guys (5'5 ft. I guess *shrugs*), lean (although not-so-athletic-looking to me :P), medium tan (almost like my own complexion), crew-cut hair, a serious-looking expression, and also thick, dark eyebrows.:D Oooh! He was wearing a simple dark, blue shirt and a pair of black trousers. FYI, I usually go for taller guys (especially since I'm merely a 5'05 ft. kind of girl.:P) My old college crush Joza is very tall and lean for an Asian guy. Tiger?*big evil grin* When I first learned that he was about six-feet tall, I'd gone crazy!*giggles* Especially when I first received his picture via jpg.attachment. And I also always have a thing for thick eyebrows (I don't know why.*shrugs* I remember telling Kristin that and she found me rather...odd.*big evil grin*) Joza and Tiger have those too.:P Hehe. But, what had struck me the most about that guy today was...his voice. When he'd almost nudged my foot with his heavy cart, his voice was soft and slightly high-pitched. Somehow, it reminded me a little of some soft-voiced actors like John D.LeMay and Shia LaBeouf.:P I can't really say that I'm so into that, but still...I like it. (Btw, Joza and Tiger have rather deep, heavy voices.) In fact, I have this good friend of mine who sounds like that too --- soft and slightly high-pitched. He once said he sounded like a girl.*giggles* I had to convince him otherwise and hope that he'd believe me. You know who you are.;) Anyway, back to the cargo elevator.:P When I noticed that Menti had obviously suppressed a giggle while looking at me, I didn't dare look at that guy standing next to me again. Thanks to her, I could only look down uncomfortably.*blushes* Finally, he got out of the cargo elevator on floor 3.:| Bye bye... And all the way back to the car, Menti kept teasing on me about him.:P Damn. I don't know why I still acted like a teenager.*giggles* Silly me. Gee, I hope I'm not the kind to blush easily around hunks. Hehe. The Author

*YAWNS*
I feel strangely sleepy and emotionally flat today.:| I've been trying to write anything else but this, but still no success yet. *sighs* No, it's not because of her, trust me.:P*yawns* It's probably just my lack of sleep, since I've been starting to work earlier than usual lately. The last time I checked on my e-mail, Dastan Books has an open job vacancy again for a creative editor.:D I'm going to try that out again! I know I still have zero experience, but...oh, what the hell. I don't care!*shrugs* Mary Jo's inviting me to play bowling with her and our friends from the gathering tonight at Plaza Senayan, but I just can't go.:( Why? I'm seriously broke again, I suck at the game, and I'm already exhausted from work today. I hate this situation.:( I have to work harder to earn more. Still, I'll come to the gathering --- one last time before Mary Jo is moving to Bandung. Patrick's coming back to Jakarta sometime this September. I can't wait to see him again!:D YAY!! Okay, I'm bored as well.:| I have nothing else more interesting to add here for now.*yawns hugely* I guess I'll just try producing another writing beside this.:| The Author

OH, BUGGERS!
Alright, so it's been almost a week since the last time I updated this journal.:P How shall I begin this entry? I'll try to give you a recap here. I finally made my vote for my city's new governor on August 8, although I didn't really trust both candidates. Why not? I was worried that if Candidate Number One had won, a seriously radical party behind him would've possibly taken over the city and drastically altered it to become like...Tangerang.*shudders* (Remember the stupid bylaw number 8/2005 there that just literally accuses every female resident who goes out at night as...prostitutes?:x How bloody ridiculous! Btw, the local, independent human rights' organizations are still fighting against it.) Yuck! Sexist pigs are always downright DISGUSTING, even more than the real pigs!!:x But unfortunately, Candidate Number Two is also already notoriously related to...huge corruption cases in my own country.:( And from their campaigning posters that were thickly bickering about each opponent's weaknesses and stuff, none of them actually deserved my trust and respect anyway.*rolls eyes* So?? ......................... No. What makes you think I'm going to tell you whom I picked?*big evil grin* Hehe. But if you know me well enough, I'm sure you can already tell. In the end, Candidate Number Two won.:P Right. What else? *deep sigh* I've been silently wondering about one thing lately.:| I don't know just what kind of game she's been trying to play on me this time. Ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about...Tiger's ex-girlfriend. *rolls eyes* After what seemed like forever, I suddenly 'existed' again to her. Yeah, recently she talked to me again --- online --- right after ignoring me, eventhough she knew I'd been online too. (And since I have a lot of reasons for my anger towards her, it's much better if I don't start the conversation --- at all.:|) And she'd acted as if I were actually her long-lost best friend she'd missed the most (while I still remember what she'd bitched to Tiger about me right behind my back whenever the two of them were still an item.:x) Don't get me wrong. I'm not surprised. Tiger's already told me how seriously pathetic and insecure she really is.*big evil grin* That's just her way. My friends even suggested that I stop talking to her, ignore her, or even permanently delete her from my Messenger buddy lists. Or appear offline next time around, just in case she's around.:P Still, I'm super cautious here.:| I'm wondering what she's up to --- with me, this time. But I don't want to be an insecure bitch myself. Despite my rather cryptic responses, I didn't say much. I had to be careful. If I'd shown a hint of resentment or hatred, she'd have used it back against me and also to try breaking my friendship with Tiger. Well, not this time, Princess.*scoffs* No way. Never again!:x "I miss him so much. He hasn't been online lately yet because he's moving to Manchester." "I miss him too." How dare you! How dare you say that! You just miss your favourite punching bag whenever you get bored. You'll only hurt him over and over again, just to want to make you feel better about yourself. I bet you have no idea how he feels and what he thinks about you now. You're nothing but some primadonna-wannabe who believes all the guys in the world are after you and all you have to do is just pick as you please.*scoffs* Ha! You're so sick and delusional. Of course, I didn't tell her that.:P Still, you can't really blame me for my evil thoughts about her. I just can't help myself.:( Sorry. I can't forget how many times she'd caused him too much pain already and how much he'd cried. I can't, because it hurt me too and --- remembering those dark, ugly moments --- it still does...:'-( Especially when he'd cut himself to bleed once, all because of her...:'-( *deep sigh* Now she's acted as if nothing's ever gone so wrong...at all. I...I just don't understand.:x I don't like this. Please, God.:'-( Don't ever let her hurt him like that ever again! "Hey, I just talked to him. He's found a new place in Manchester and is going to set his internet back on soon!:D" "Good." I know she'd have called him. Tiger said she's done that many times before already, like some pyschopath in Femme Fatale or something.*rolls eyes* It was either yelling at him, calling him names, or even crying and begging him please...please don't hang up on her. Ugh!:x The last time Tiger and I talked on the phone, he said she was complaining about her new guy there not treating him right. Oh, sure. Whatever. Al said she was just trying to make me feel jealous and insecure by telling me all of that. Well, I've noticed that already.*shrugs* I won't fall into her trap. I admit I'm worrying about Tiger all over again, but I'll just sit back and relax. I'll wait for him to come and talk to me, as always. He knows where to reach me. The Author

CHILLING ALONE ON SATURDAY...:P
Well, Kristie's gone today.:| She's flying back to Oklahoma this morning. I hope her job interview will go smoothly and that she will get the job.:) Of course, I will be praying for her success and happiness there. And also, I hope that she and I will stay in touch. I miss her... *deep sigh* Anyway, I've just read a message from my friend who also witnessed the collapsing bridge in Minneapolis. Nick, I am glad that you are okay.:) Thanks for letting me know. I haven't had a chance to talk to Tiger lately.:( The last time I heard from him, he was moving to Manchester from Leicester. I've missed him a lot... But still, I won't let that heavily affect me.:P I must remain strong. I have to be Miss Independent. The real world I am in just has no more tolerance and space for my mere complaints. They're all already taken, I believe. I believe I have no other choice these days but to just keep on...surviving. Yeah, that's right. I may sound bitter and slightly hollow to you, but this is just my life. I'm handling my own issues in any way I possibly can. In other words: the real world is always a crazy place (and seems to be getting even crazier), but I intend to keep my sanity as much as I can.*big evil grin* I've finally bought myself a new SPICE! issue this morning. Nope, there's not a single page about my published writing in it.:P I am well-aware that if you are not (considered) a qualified and professional freelance writer yet, you still have to deal with uncertainties more often than true achievement/success. Believe me, sometimes it's highly unbearable. However, I am so not a quitter in this. Since I'm already way addicted to writing, I'm going to keep doing it.;) But at least I've won a CD from a contest in that magazine about a couple of months or so.:P It's Sherina's "Primadona" (Primadonna). She used to be a local child star with a successful debut album "Andai Aku Besar Nanti" (When I Grow Up) and also a movie "Petualangan Sherina" (Sherina's Adventure). She's also a balerina (sp?) and a piano player. And I'm curious about her new work as a teenager. Actually, I've already listened to her first single from that album "Sendiri" (Alone). It's pretty good, I guess.*shrugs* However, the tunes and the video were total disappointments, stated the local critics. Sherina was accused of copying Evanescence's lead singer Amy Lee's signature style, especially the way she dressed in that video and...the whole setting and plots. I know that Sherina sings, plays piano, and writes all of her songs in it. Since her soft voice is no match to Amy Lee's powerful one, I think those were just minor glitches. I mean, she just re-started her career.:P But still, that video was tad...icky.:| I mean, I still can't accept that the director actually copied the plots from Muse's "Hysteria" (I don't know if you've already seen that video yet, but I am talking about that crazy dude character in a hotel room --- alone with his digicam and simply thrashing and lashing out of control like some scary psycho in B-rated flicks!*shudders*) Come on, man! Show us some personal originality here. Where's your creativity? *rolls eyes* Alright, enough criticizing about a local celebrity (at least for now, so no promises.*big evil grin*) How's my life and the city I live in today? Okay, I guess.*shrugs* A public election for Jakarta's next governor is still going on, but --- unfortunately --- most residents here have already been too apathetic and sarcastic about voting in. Of course, they're already losing their trust in the government --- because it seems that things are getting worse around here. Do they actually want to risk trusting the so-called, convincing promotional flyers that say: "We'll make Jakarta a better home for everyone"?*rolls eyes* Yeah, right.*scoffs* If there's a candidate successfully getting rid of The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) and its hypocrite creators and supporters, then I'll just vote for them! Meanwhile, I can't hardly wait for another sunny Sunday tomorrow. It's time for a fun, therapy session for me!:D The Amateur Critic :P

KRISTIE'S FAREWELL PARTY
Last night was Kristie's farewell party at Hard Rock Cafe in EX Plaza, Central Jakarta. Mary Jo had texted our cellphones a day before, asking us to show up at six to give Kristie a surprise. But when I finally arrived, nobody I know from the gathering had shown up yet. I sent a text message to Andy's cellphone. He'd replied, saying he was still on the way and that I should just wait for the others to show up. *shrugs*Okay. I decided to check out the record store across from HRC for new releases. Then I got bored and went out. Luckily, I finally spotted Ari showing up at 6:20 --- smiling and waving back at me as she was chatting on her cellphone. She even spontaneously made me talk to her friend Bruce on the phone!:O Thank God I could still manage.*giggles* Bruce is a warm-sounded guy from Minnesotta and told me about...the collapsing bridge in Minneapolis. *gulps* Anyway, Ari and I finally spotted Hardi and Sysyl entering HRC, so we joined them. Since Patrick once mentioned about their Indonesian teacher Ibu Vina, I wasn't surprised when I'd finally gotten to meet the lady who taught the American my people's language.:) Then more people came. Mary Jo and Kristie showed up with their friends who've been staying in Bandung quite long --- Meredith, Jill, and Justin. I've already met Meredith once before, when she and I stayed over at Kristie and Mary Jo's place in Tanjung Duren, West Jakarta --- before Kristin's departure back to USA. Andy finally showed up. So did Handi. And Daka too. Dinner was great.:) The creative Sysyl asked us to write farewell notes to Kristie in a large, spiral-bound notebook. Ibu Vina had to leave early. So did Ari, because she lives in Depok and public transportations are rare after nine.:| I'd stuck with them until nine. Lili and her guy showed up after Andy and Meredith, Jill, and Justin took off earlier. Since I knew I wouldn't see Kristie anymore after that night, I'd just wished her a safe journey home. She'll be flying back to The States this Saturday morning. The Author

SHAME ON ME...*BLUSHES*
This will be my last entry for now.:P I'm going to take a break from journal-writing for a while. But as usual, I will return. When? I don't know for sure.*shrugs* Probably after a month or so. It all depends on my mood anyway. I didn't get a chance to post an entry last night, because I'd gotten to the cybercafe with my brother.He was searching for some pictures for another designing project. (That's why I wouldn't want him to see what I wrote, although his English is kind of so-so.:P) Why did he need my help? Now, please don't think of him as a technologically-challenged one. He's just not that into internet, that's all. And I've got a good news.:D I've finally gotten to pay my Rp 300,000 back to Luki's account this morning. Thank God! And thank you, Mom.:'-( I'm ashamed of myself right now. Of course, she loves me too. It's just that...maybe I don't usually ask for help as much as my sister does.:| But when I received a text message from Luki and went weak from his request about the return of the loan, Mom had asked me what had happened and then just come to the rescue --- like old times.:) I don't know how to explain this kind of feeling, actually. It's like...having the old her back into my life. And I hope she'll stay the same way. To be honest, I've been missing her so much lately, eventhough she's actually still around --- if you know what I mean. *deep sigh* And I must also thank God that I didn't get to post an entry last night. It didn't sound positive...like, at all.*rolls eyes* Once again, shame on me. Re-reading that, I now feel repulsed with myself. God, I sounded awfully pathetic! Yuck! Btw, I just noticed that I often get rather too 'sensitive' during the end of the month.:| I've always been rather skeptical about PMS/PMT/whatever, but I guess this time I'll have to take my word for it. Damn.:( Btw, I was also DEAD wrong about Tiger.*blushes* I just read his latest blog entry this morning and...damn, how I wanted to cry!:'-( Shame on me. Even if he really did talk to her, I still wouldn't mind. No, really. I can't expect any of you to believe me, but I'm NOT that insanely jealous and possessive about him. (I mean, just who the hell am I, anyway?) My love and respect for him come as equal. He was just asleep without signing off. No wonder I didn't get any reply.:P He wasn't blowing me off nor even pushing me away. I know he had no reason to, because we've been fairly okay with each other so far. I've already decided to give him a breathing space, anyway, so that's why we haven't really talked lately. I don't want to be this annoying and nagging kind of girl. Still, I should've had more faith in him.:| I've felt guiltier to read what he wrote about me: a friend through ups and downs and the cutest thing in the world he's never genuinely mad at.:'-( Oh, God...*blushes* I hope he didn't write that just because knowing I was going to read it anyway.:P Or worse, because he might've possibly caught my last entry of total misunderstanding --- since he's already known where my diary is (and eventhough he's already told me he'll never want to read it.*big evil grin*) Okay, I think I'm just being paranoid.:O*blushes* Enough. For now, though, I think I'll just end this by silently laughing at my own stupidity. You're welcome to join as you may. Laters. The Author

CONFIDENCE, INSECURITY, SADNESS, AND A STATE OF OBVIOUS BITTERNESS...
Alright, where do I begin?:| I know, you might wonder about the title of this entry. I just I wish I could really describe what I've been feeling lately...in the most accurate way. Fine, let's start from last Tuesday night at seven. It was my visit to "Wall Street Institute" at Ratu Plaza, South Jakarta, for a free English test. Patrick had told me about a fellow teacher named Andrew there. Before the test, I'd finally spotted him, just because two ladies at the receptionist's desk were gossiping and giggling about him. (Coquettish!*rolls eyes* Or maybe --- once again --- I'm just a tomboy who doesn't really do all of that.:P) Okay, so Andrew is tall, blond (or was it brunet, since I didn't pay enough attention to his crew-cut hair?), and good-looking (although tad serious too, he seemed.) Big deal. But when the ladies mentioned his name with such obvious excitement, Patrick's story suddenly came to mind. "Is that Andrew?" Honestly, I'd truly enjoyed their startled expression.*big evil grin* I bet they'd never thought that a scruffy-looking girl (unruly wavy hair, no make-up, yellow tee, black jeans, and old yellow sneakers) like me could've ever known a clean-cut, handsome fellow like Andrew. "How do you know him? Have you been here before?" They both grinned and I'd grinned back. When I told them about Patrick, they were even more surprised and amazed. "That blue-eyed cutie? Really? You're Patrick's friend? Does that mean we can be his friends too?" Oh, give me a break.*rolls eyes* Okay, so Patrick is seriously cute, I must admit. But I only think of him as a great pal.:) Enough said. "Umm, Patrick has lots of friends." I just shrugged with casual modesty. "I just happen to be one." Then a male staff named Mr.Oni led me for a short tour around the place, an interview, and a free placement test at their laboratorium --- as promised.:D The place looks like an earthly paradise to me. I'd even met my old high-school friend Selina. She proudly showed me the social club in the cafeteria. She said she'd be looking forward to seeing me around there. Knowing my writing hobby, Selina also told me about some of the teachers who loved poetry and fiction-writing. She said she was sure I'd love the place and get along. If only she'd known...:'-( How was the test? Well, believe it or not, I've scored about 500 for a TOEFL-standard --- a.k.a.Threshold 1.:) They said I was very good. Three more levels and I'd have reached what they call 'Milestone' (advanced business English) and then 'Mastery' (considered the same level as the native speakers themselves). More practice and studying can help me achieve better. Simple. The great thing about that place is that you can come anytime and as much as you like in every week. That place looks like a promising sanctuary. But I crashed fast and hard back down on earth when I checked the price.:( Ouch! I guess no earthly-paradise is cheap or even free. So here's to reality. *deep sigh* I had to return with the score result...and another empty dream.:| When I finally stepped back on Blok M's bus station, I felt even worse. Here I go again, back in the slum. Just an ordinary girl sitting behind the counter at work, wearing her old sneakers and knowing only how to fake both American and British accents in her English.:P Other than that? No, nothing special. Besides, nobody ever really sees me that way. Just who the hell am I still kidding here? At home, The Princess Brat always wins most of the attention --- no matter what she does. I believe I have friends, 'though I don't always rely on them as much as they count on me. Why? I don't know. I'm not really sure anymore if I'm trying to remain independent or just secretly insecure. Love?*scoffs* Ha! Those great guys --- they've all said I've always been their best, most loyal friend anyone can ever have. Thank you very much, though. I really appreciate that.;) But they just don't fall for me. They even choose to chase after girls who keep treating them like crap. Why? It's just all so simple. Girls like me are (mostly considered) way too boring.*rolls eyes* What else? You know, there's a good friend of mine (who might possibly be reading this too :P) who won't agree with me saying this. But the truth is, I'm only being a real bitch myself whenever I'm: a) angry, b) insecure, and c) a dangerous combination of both.*big evil grin* And believe me, I am so not kidding with you here, people. I am just a mere mortal anyway, not a holy saint, remember? Anyway, when I returned to Panglima Polim (The Restaurant), only Mom asked me about the score result. (How kind.:D) I showed that to her and she'd complimented me. But sadly, Dad wouldn't even bother.:( Am I wrong to want to achieve better goals and upgrade myself even more? Are my dreams too fucking expensive these days? Well, fast forward to Friday night at 7:45. Knowing Patrick and Seth would be flying back home to Tennesse, USA (which they already have!:'-( ), I'd decided to call his cellphone. (Seth didn't own any while he was in Jakarta, though.) Since only Patrick who'll return on September, I'd wanted to hear Seth's calm, soothing voice one last time. However, Patrick told me that Seth was still upstairs in Sarinah Building, checking out some souvenirs to buy and take home. (I'd suspected that they might've possibly hung out at the same Starbucks there, like the very last time Kristin Helsley was still around.) Finally, I just wished them both a safe journey home and hung up.:( I'm going to miss you loads, Seth Saffel.:( It really has been fun hanging out with you... *deep sigh* Yesterday morning too, something really weird happened.:| I went online at six, and Tiger was surprisingly there too --- along with her.:( Yup, I am talking about The Ex-Girlfriend. No, I am not really jealous. For real. He can talk to anybody else he likes. I don't care. But I'm just worried, regarding how they always fight when they talk these days and how much pain she's caused him. And I'm also upset. hy? In his last e-mail, he'd said he'd have missed me and we should talk soonest --- either online or on the phone. Knowing Tiger, when he and I are online and I don't say hi first, he usually teases me with: "Don't wanna talk to me now?:P" So I sent my hi first, and...guess what? He didn't reply --- at all.:x I was online for thirty minutes because I was also talking to another good friend of mine. :'-(... Then it was as if the grey sky morning crying for me too. I logged off and went outside the cybercafe to meet the rain. Rain in July. Imagine that. I marched on soaking wet, not even caring to mind my own surroundings as I crossed the street --- like some sappy character in a cheesy drama.*rolls eyes* No, really. At that time, I didn't even give a shit if there'd be a speedy vehicle possibly running me down. Well, it's not that I was being suicidal, though. Thank God I still have my senses, although...it still hurts like my own usual private hell within.:'-( I'd grown mostly quiet through the day. My family wondered why, I know, but I wasn't in the mood to explain anything. And I guess I never will. I know they'll never really understand. They'll just find me ridiculous as usual.:| Last night, I'd checked online --- in case he'd have caught me and left an offline like he usually would. None. So, Tiger would rather talk to her. Fine. Whatever. Was that a bad sign? Was he slowly blowing me off and pushing me away out of his life, eventhough he'd already promised me he never would and --- he still has my Tigger over there? I can still sense that he silently wishes that I'll just get over him and move on, but hey --- aren't we still pals? He could've said he was sorry he couldn't talk to me at the moment if that was what had happened. He knew I'd always understand (eventhough he just really wanted to talk --- or fight or whatever --- to her.*rolls eyes*) Am I just making a big deal out of all of this? Either way, I'm afraid I'll have to prepare for the worst possibilities again. Right?? The Bitter and Bitchy Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY AND SETH'S 18TH BIRTHDAY BASH!:D
I'd finally decided to come to the off-air gathering of "Speak-Out", although the show's no longer on 104.2 MS 3 FM anymore.:P Sadly, Hani couldn't come.:( She had to attend a meeting. But I was so thrilled that Yuki would. It's been quite a long while since the last time we met. Honestly, I've missed her!:D I didn't get to write anything last Saturday. I'd been awfully busy and the restaurant had been quite hectic with the garage sale run by my sister and her co-workers. By the time it was all done at seven, I was already way too exhausted to do anything else.:| I instantly crashed fast and hard after closing the restaurant at nine. Btw, I bought a new, old pair of yellow sneakers from the garage sale.:) They're cute. Anyway, I'd gotten the chance to meet my Uncle Iwan from Surabaya when he visited the restaurant on Sunday morning.:) But when my parents finally arrived, I excused myself and headed to Blok M's bus station. As usual, I took two Trans-Jakarta buses to Harmoni and Jelambar. (FYI, the Trans-Jakarta bus ticket will cost Rp 5,000 instead of Rp 3,500 --- starting next month.:x Menti heard it on the news today. DAMN IT!) So anyway --- I finally arrived at Ciputra Mall close to midday, as promised to Dian.:) When she texted my cellphone to notify me that she'd already been inside with her friend, I chose to catch up with them. She then introduced me to her friend Anik. After that, the three of us headed to a 'musholla' on the fourth floor. Since I was afraid that Yuki might've gotten lost, I'd decided to wait for her by the closest public phone booth --- while the other two girls already started their afternoon prayer inside the 'musholla'. When Yuki finally showed up, we joined Dian and Anik. After our afternoon prayer, the four of us went back downstairs. We caught up with Dina and Wina at McDonald's. Since it was already one pm (we were late!), we decided to get out really quick and hopped on bajajs. Yuki and I shared one while Dian and Anik were in another. Then what about Wina and Dina?*big evil grin* It turned out that...we'd gotten separated from both of them!:P Our bajajs arrived at Surya Pemandu School first. Patrick, Kristie, and Seth were already in the usual hall.:) (Mary Jo is still in Thailand since Tuesday.) We chatted and joked around for a while. We wished Seth a happy birthday. He's eighteen now!:D Besides Dina and Wina, who else came to the gathering that afternoon? Andy and Hardi, of course. Hesti. Janna. Rachmat. Sysyl. Tia. Wahyu. And, as usual --- I hope I didn't leave anybody out unmentioned.:P If I did that, sorry. It's clearly unintentional. "Limbo" was our first game.:D Hesti was obviously the most limber one, because she'd really beat us. Hardi was also surprisingly great at it, considering the fact that he's the tallest among all the guys that day.*giggles* The second game was "Pin The Tail On The Donkey". Kristie had drawn a donkey (without the tail, of course!:P) on a white board, while we stood in line. Since nobody seemed to want to do the trial for the game, I volunteered. Patrick blindfolded my eyes with an orange scarf. Then he handed me a post-it for the tail, before leading me to the whiteboard. But, before he let me put the tail on it, he'd spun me around for a few times. Woohooo...dizzy...:P The first trial, I'd placed it on the donkey's body!:P LOL!! Then I was allowed to try that again. This time, it was Kristie who led and spun me around. I missed it again --- this time on the donkey's foot.LOL!! Afraid that I might've thrown up from the second spin (and made a mess of the hall with what was left of my early lunch --- a bowl of noodles --- yuck!:P), I'd told Patrick that I needed to sit down for a while. But then, I got up to help blindfold Andy. And Hardi had won the game. The third game was "The Musical Chairs". Since there were no chairs, we used pillows on the floor (which had made it more difficult.*giggles*) After there were only five people left, I got kicked out. In the end, Dian won the game --- but I noticed it was probably because Andy was just being a gentleman.:P The fourth game --- "Spoons" --- happened to be the rowdiest of all!*big evil grin* We'd created an amount of pillows and sat around it. Then the circle was split in halves. Each half had their own card-dealers that sat across from each other. Almost all of us in the circle got to have plastic spoons, except one. (The idea was almost the same as the previous game, though.) Then we had to hide all the spoons underneath the pile of pillows, except one --- visibly placed on top of it. Then the cards were dealt. Whoever had four cards that were the same (like all 'kings', for example) got to grab that spoon on top, while the rest had to hunt down under. It was hilarious!*giggles* The first round, I'd finally grabbed the spoon from Patrick's hand --- and he ended up throwing a pillow on my face! LOL!! The second round, I was seriously buried in the pile...and I felt a snap in my hand. (Oops!) Worst of all, Hardi accidentally squashed me, until I had to scream in muffled words, "Help me!" "Is she alive?" I heard Andy half-joke. Then I finally got dragged out --- holding a broken spoon in my hand. LOL!!:P The third round, Wina had tricked us into believing that she had all cards the same. Girl, you were so mean!*big evil grin* The fourth round, Hesti kindly pulled me out because she was worried that I might've gotten squashed underneath again.*giggles* Thanks, girl! After the story session about 'birthdays', Seth treated us with...Dunkin Donuts!:D ( didn't care that I'd just had the same breakfast at Blok M's station. I love doughnuts!) Sysyl gave him several presents. She'd even asked all of us to write birthday notes on a white T-shirt for him. My message for him was simple: "Happy birthday, Seth! It's been fun hanging out with you.:D" Then I talked to Seth alone for a while.:) Since he and Patrick will be flying back home on the 21st, I asked for his e-mail address --- just in case I wouldn't get the chance to say goodbye to him before the flight. Then I went back to the others and had almost burst out laughing when Patrick quietly told us about a scheme for Seth's birthday bash: Hardi and Andy had sneaked out unnoticed to buy powder, eggs, and red Fanta (soda). The plan was to trick Seth into going out for photo shoots. I'm sure you can already guess the rest.*big evil grin* Did it work?:P Well, I saw Hardi put the powder in three plastic glasses in the doorway while our target wasn't looking. Then he summoned and asked me to give those to Andy and Sysyl outside. I naively obeyed and met the two partners in crime hiding behind a pillar of a next-door house --- giggling. I joined them and Hardi later caught up with us, sharing eggs. Then we waited anxiously. When Seth finally took the bait, the four of us instantly charged forward and...SPLAT!! The birthday boy was covered in yellow goo of eggs, red soda on his white T-shirt, and powder almost all over himself. OOOH!!:P Giggles and outbursts attracted other neighbours around, and some even rushed out to watch the whole scene from the balcony. Poor Seth.*giggles* But I didn't have the heart to throw an egg on him, so I ended slipping it on his hand --- giving him a chance for revenge. He chose Andy but missed. I know, I was being a traitor.*big evil grin* Still, I hope our prank didn't freak him out. After taking pictures, Patrick told Seth to go home and wash himself clean. Happy birthday, Seth Saffel!:P And happy birthday to Andy too today.:D Too bad I can't go bowling at Plaza Senayan with all of you tonight. The Author

JOBS, CASH, AND REALITY
I've been waiting for "Wall Street Institute" quiz all morning on 87.6 Hardrock FM to no avail.:| I'm afraid it's no longer on the air. *deep sigh* In other words, there goes my chance to possibly win a Rp 250,000 to at least help me pay my debts quickly.:( I must find another way. Fast! Btw, I've checked again about the Rp 150,000 I've won from that radio quiz on 94.7 U FM --- sponsored by Lux. I called the radio station yesterday, and...guess what? It's true that I've really won the money (thank God!:D) And fortunately, I've called to claim it, because...they've almost noted my cellphone number wrong! Missed a single digit at the end and I might've possibly lost it --- my right to claim.*rolls eyes* No, they said that the money was still in the process (that long? Man, I need that money to pay my debts!:x) But at least, I'll make sure that I keep reminding them over and over again about it --- until I'll get it. It's my right, especially because they've promised the winners since months ago! Speaking of "Wall Street Institute", I'd somehow applied for their free English test online sometime ago. And a few days ago, they'd finally called me to have the test arranged at their Jakarta headquarter at Ratu Plaza. I've picked next Tuesday night at seven. Why? I don't know.*shrugs* I guess it was just my random, out-of-focus choice. Since I'm also curious, I think I'll just come and give it a shot --- see how far it goes from there. I mean, who knows? (Okay, I've already said this way too many times before, I believe --- it has somehow become my favourite quote!*big evil grin*) Maybe I'll get really lucky this time. Maybe I could just ask them about how to get a job there, eventhough I'm not an expatriate.:P I don't have to be an English teacher there, eventhough many people here have already said that my English is damn good. (And I believe I am not bragging!*giggles*) Besides, it obviously requires a great deal of dedication and patience to be a good teacher.:P And if I can work there too, maybe I'll get to see Patrick there too everyday.;) No, I'm not after him secretly or anything else like that.*giggles* He and I are fairly friends. He said he'd start working there on sometime around August-September, from twelve to eight pm. Cool! Well, speaking of job searches, Dian surprisingly called me just this early morning. After our talk about the next gathering and Seth's birthday too this Sunday (I can't hardly wait!:D), we started discussing about...job searches. I've told her about Cosmogirl Indonesia (no news from them yet, btw.:|) Okay, enough feeling depressed about it for a while. I can't wait until Sunday!:D The Job-seeker

MY ESCAPADE?
While I was busy packaging shrimp chips for today's catering orders last night, Patrick suddenly texted my cellphone: "Well, some bad news. The meeting did not go well with the boss lady, so that means 'Speak Out' is finished at MS 3. But I will be looking for a new station when I get back in August, so maybe by September sometime we'll have a new station. We'll still continue with the gatherings, so don't miss out!" Well, I kind of expected that already since the last time Patrick and friends were taking their long, summer vacation in Bali last month --- at the end of June. I've always been such a fan of the show. (Remember, I don't receive "The First Caller" title for nothing!*big evil grin*) Personally, I owe it to the radio show. It's helped me kill my boredom at work during my night-shifts.:) I've also made good friends from the gatherings. That's why I'm relieved that there'll still be more gatherings to come. My sunny Sundays, fun Monday nights...and more.:) My perfect escapade from my harsh reality. Anything to keep my sanity. Does this mean that there'll be another gathering this Sunday?:) I certainly hope so. July 15 is also Seth's birthday. I just want to be there. And Uncle Iwan from Surabaya?:|*deep sigh* I don't know. Right now, I just don't feel like showing my disappointment right to his face. Does this mean I'm such a coward? Where am I right now? Can I please escape for a while? I need to be around people who can make me smile more often these days... The Author

BACK IN BUSINESS, (BUT) PERSONALLY BROKE...:|
Starting this week, the restaurant's back on its regular opening hours. Good. So now we're finally back in business!:) Money matters. Please, don't kid me with a saying that it doesn't.:P I finally got a reply from DKJ about my job application I'd sent them last month. No, I didn't get the job. They accepted someone else.*shrugs* No problem, right? I've received countless rejections more than anyone else I know. That's why I quickly sent another job application to Cosmogirl Indonesia last night --- via e-mail attachment, of course.:| I've always wanted to be a magazine reporter. I'd tried that once years ago, but I simply sucked at the very first test: spontaneously writing three different articles --- in one and a half freaking hours!:O*blushes* If I'm lucky this time, they might call me again and let me try that out another time. I'll make sure that I'll be more prepared this time. Because --- to be honest --- I'm financially desperate here. I'm broke. I can't rely on anybody else these days but myself that much, and I won't. No more loans, because I can't take the burden. It's already hard enough for me...:( And I must find a stable job A.S.A.P., so I can be more financially independent enough to start my own life. You may think I'm being overly paranoid here, but I believe I must prepare myself very well. I still fear the scary possibility about Gatot marrying The Princess Brat and completely taking over my family in his hands. I mean, it's already way too damn obvious that Mom adores him like he's some sort of flawless god.*rolls eyes* I'm not losing my voice, my sanity, my everything --- under his feet!:x I wish I could just grow a pair of wings and fly far, far away --- so no one will be able to capture me, eventhough I'd become a lonely fairy...:( The Broke Author

MY SPINNING HEAD...:(
First of all, I'd like to start this entry by saying...thank God that Friendster is back on!:D Second, a bad news.:( My cousin Panji (Menti's eldest son who's about to enter high-school) is now lying ill in the hospital with dengue fever --- the one that had also hit my brother and I sometime long ago. I hope that kid will get better soon. Third, my mental fatigue has finally turned into...regular, physical illness.:P Yes, it's the damn flu all over again. I've started having it since last night (the reason why I slept earlier than usual --- sometime around nine.) I figured that I might've caught that from Dad, Mom, my brother --- or maybe even Seth, because I'd noticed him sniffing a lot since Sunday afternoon and Monday night.:P Hehe. Oh, well...:P Fourth, I finally bought SPICE!'s latest issue.:) But no, my writing's not in it.:| The good thing is, there's a job opening as a reporter from Cosmogirl Indonesia.:D I know, long ago I tried once and failed. But still, I want to do it again. I mean, who knows I might get lucky this time? I must remain optimistic, remember? No matter what. Fifth, Mom said that Uncle Iwan from Surabaya would be coming over to Jakarta. He's planning to show up with some of his old colleagues in the restaurant on July 15. (Yikes, can I still escape to the gathering to see Patrick and friends in Jelambar again --- as usual?:O They're like my perfect sanctuary these days. Why did he have to pick that exact date?) Since Uncle Iwan is a psychic, Mom's planning to consult with him alone about...Dad. Me??:( I don't know.*shrugs* The last time he and I talked on the phone months ago, I am still genuinely very disappointed with him. He'd indirectly accused me for being insanely jealous with Mom's intense attention on The Bratty Couple. *rolls eyes* Hell, no! Of all the people I know, I'd thought he would've (at least) understood my situation. How wrong I was! *deep sigh* I know this sounds awfully childish to you, but I hope I really can escape again to Jelambar that very day.:| I don't feel like talking to him at all. Thinking of this actually saddens me big time, because he's already like my second Dad. We used to be so close. In fact, I've confided in him more often than in Dad himself --- a sore point I know I must admit. Sixth, there's another advantage --- personal one, actually --- about me not having my usual night-shifts for a while these days. Gatot showed up again in Panglima Polim and only talked to Mom while I was also still visible in the same room, as if I didn't exist at all.*rolls eyes* Good. At least he wasn't being a fake around Mom this time. I could also just go straight home and avoid (dealing with) him. If that scary prophecy about The Bratty Couple taking over my parents' house once they seriously get married, I must find a stable job that can help me become more financially independent. Then I can leave the house. Hani said that was the only sensible solution for me and also keeping my sanity. Last (but not least), I miss Tiger.:'-( Please, don't ask me just how much. It already and still hurts. His latest blog entry worries me. I left him a message there, hoping he wouldn't lose faith in himself. I love you, Tiger.:'-( I love you very, very much. I'm praying for you to always stay strong. The Author

A SENSE OF MENTAL FATIGUE...
Friendster is temporarily down...for further maintenance.:( Damn. That means I can't update my blog there for a while, until only they know when. I just wished Patrick, Mary Jo, and Kristie a "Happy Fourth of July" via text message today. (Since I don't have Seth's cellphone number, I hope that kid would stick around when Patrick passed my message to him as well.:P) Only Patrick and Kristie answered, "Thanks," but I think that's okay. No news from DKJ about the job application I'd sent in sometime in a week or so ago.:| Does this mean that I should just give up my hope on it and face the same old, harsh reality all over again? Could that possibly be a sign that I just don't get it? Am I considered not qualified enough? *deep sigh* Oh, well... I must find another way to earn more money here.:| My old cellphone number bills. Rp.90,500. I must also return Luki's money. Rp.300,000. I know that he's been so kind to me, but still --- I'd very much like to repay him A.S.A.P. Lately, I've been losing some sort of...peace, here within me. God, help me, please...:( I've already told Dian and Hani about the inner anxiety and silent annoyance I've been having at home very much lately. Why? It's simple; I've trusted them both enough with revealing this other side of me --- not just a fun, lively and crazy girl at every gathering with Patrick and friends.:P I've also shared bits with Kristin before she flew back to Arkansas, but not so much...yet. Hani agreed that I should mark my territory very well from The Bratty Couple, so they wouldn't mess with me easily.:| If they seriously get married and live at my parents (and then get to take over everything there and rule whatever the hell they like --- by Mom's permission, of course *rolls eyes*), then I'm so out of there! The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY AND A MONDAY NIGHT AT BLITZ
I thanked God for another sunny Sunday and a lovely Monday night --- after what seemed like the longest time!:D In Sunday morning, I'd had to drop some catering orders off at UAI (University of Al-Azhar Indonesia) with my brother at 10:30. From there, we separated and I headed to the nearest busway stop. I took the first Trans-Jakarta bus to Harmoni as usual. I'd agreed to meet Dian first right in front of the gas station across from Ciputra Mall at twelve. Since Hani had had to attend her school event (where she teaches), she'd told me that she'd have caught up with us straight to Surya Pemandu School. When I was still on the second bus to Jelambar, Dian suddenly texted my cellphone --- saying she was already at our meeting point way too early --- 11:30!*giggles* I'd only replied that I'd be there soon.:P Since it was still 11:45, Dian and I decided to share a bajaj to Jl.Amanah --- where the food-stalls (warung) stand --- because she was hungry. I'd only ordered a glass of iced tea, while she was ordering a bowl of instant noodles and a glass of iced orange juice. Then, when she finally finished her lunch, we walked back to SP. I've missed them all so much!:D Kristie and Mary Jo were genuinely surprised to see Dian and I show up pretty much earlier than usual. So did Patrick and Seth. Even Hardi and his friend Sylvia too. But the good thing is, at least we'd gotten to hear more holiday stories earlier about Patrick's trip to Yogyakarta and when he joined the others in Bali. (And I'm still filled with envy!*big evil grin*) Like the time Patrick's foot got bitten by a leech on a hike in Yogyakarta (ouch!) Or when he and Seth went surfing in Bali. Mary Jo showed us the pictures she'd taken in Bali. Way cool! The sunset she'd captured was picture-perfect!:D Then Hani came. Our conversations switched to horror stories (Patrick's and my favourite stuff, while Mary Jo said she just didn't like it at all.) From Alfred Hitchcock's legendary movie "Psycho" to Stephen King's adaptations from his novels to movie screenplays ("It", "Firestarter", "Misery", until the not-so-good "Dreamcatcher".) And even Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell-Tale Heart" --- the story about a man who murders another with the vulture eye. Then the conversations moved to their stories about American cultures and histories --- especially since they'd be celebrating their Fourth Of July.:) Interesting. Who else came by?:) Janna. Rachmat and his cousin Putri. Wina and Dina. Farida. Ami. Martini. Andy (who finally showed up during our story session.) Uh, I hope I didn't leave anybody out and unmentioned. But it would be unintentional if I really did. Sorry.*blushes* I enjoyed the games as well!:D I was glad that Hardi and I were in the same team during "Bowl of Fortune", because he seemed to have more knowledge about the US history and places so we ended up winning the game.:P The second game --- "Duck and Goose" --- was even more interesting and hilarious. We were sitting close as a circle, and one person gets to tap other people's shoulders (not heads like the original version, since it's considered impolite to do so in my country :P) as they went around the circle --- saying, "Duck, duck, duck..." But if they said, "Goose!" to the person they tapped on, the person who got tapped on their shoulder had to get up and chase the other --- clockwise outside the circle --- and catch them before they got to sit on the abandoned spot. I'm sure you can guess the rest.:P When it was my turn, I picked Rachmat as the goose. (Why boys??:P I love challenges!*big evil grin*) Not wanting to get myself caught so easily, I ran as fast as possible back to my spot --- until I literally jumped down and fell quite hard on the floor. LOL!! I guess I was rather too excited. But still, that was fun! The third game was "Who Stole The Cookie from The Cookie Jar?" It was also very funny because it was distracting your focus.*giggles* I swear to you, I can still hear our chant ringing here inside my head...:P I stuck around much longer than usual, mostly listening to the guys talking --- and laughing at their silly doings (pinching each other's foot and pulling the hair from their legs?:P) Kristie was lounging in the couch. Handi (who came later) sat playing an acoustic guitar and challenged me to create a spontaneous song lyric and sing it (something I still can't do.:P) Mary Jo was chatting with Hani. Patrick was talking and joking around with Andy, Sylvia, Hardi, and me. Seth was mostly the quiet one, but his eyes were still gleaming with interest in other people's conversations.:) Andy had asked Patrick to bring him more drinks to the couch from the table across the room. So did Sylvia. I even added, "Yeah, don't forget for these two beautiful girls!" Then Sylvia and I both giggled. The funny thing is, Patrick forgot to bring more for me.:P When I got up to take some myself, he said, "Hey, why didn't you ask?" "Well, I did --- but apparently you didn't hear," I replied (in my usually fake, British accent.*giggles*) "Oh, I'm sorry, dah-ling." LOL!!:P OMG! Patrick's fake British accent was dead funny. When Hardi and Sylvia were taking pictures, Patrick and I practiced what I'd already taught him that night in the pool game --- folding our upper lips backward for scary expressions! LOL!!:P Sylvia thought we both had looked seriously freaky. When I said how tanned I looked in the pictures (hehe!:P) and didn't need to sunbathe anymore, she suddenly blurted out, "Patrick, you look so pink in the face --- like a girl's..." "Maksud loh?" (Your point is...?) Patrick replied, narrowing his blue eyes and pretending to pout. LOL!! But the most unforgettable moment of the day was when Andy challenged Seth to eat a dead mosquito for a mere Rp 1000!:O And guess what? Seth actually did it!*gasps* Ewww!! Andy had looked rather speechless as he handed Seth the money. LOL!!*big evil grin* When Hani and I finally took off, it was already 5:30 pm. How unusual! Well, don't blame us for having missed them all so much.:D They're wonderful friends. Not wanting to return home so soon, Hani and I decided to hang out at Ciputra Mall for a while. I even treated her to KFC's chocolate sundae.:) While we were standing and watching a choir group performing live there, suddenly a random girl passed a flyer to me and quickly fled. I distractedly accepted and read it: "A DIET PROGRAM --- LOSE 10 - 30 KG IN A..." ......................... GRRRHHH!!!:x WAS SHE IMPLYING THAT I AM STILL SO FAT?! I know that I am not a supermodel, just an ordinary 5'04 - ish girl with 140 lbs. IS THAT A PROBLEM?! GRRRHHH!!! Hani just laughed and told me to calm down.:P Oh, well. She was right. just forget it. We can't always please the whole world, right? At 6:15, Hani and I took off and went our separate ways. On Monday night, I went to see "Transformers" at Blitz with some of them.:) Since we're still training newbies at work (right after the morning staff recently quit), the restaurant still only opens half a day.:| It's a good thing that I don't overwork myself, but still...bad for business. Since I arrived at Blitz a bit too early (8:30 pm), I'd gotten to meet and talk to familiar friends there.:) My two old high-school friends Ninuk and Baskara (from the way they held hands, I assumed they might be 'an item'.:P) My sister's friends Rizki and Gina (also and obviously a couple.) I was still chatting with them before I finally spotted Mary Jo. Besides Mary Jo, there were also Kristie, Patrick, Seth, Hardi, Andy, Sysyl, and...Jed or J.D. (whom I've also heard on the radio sometime ago before.) Nice to meet you, Jed.;) When Kristie handed me the tickets for a while and headed to the ladies' room, Seth --- who was standing next to me --- plainly joked, "Don't eat them." "No, I'm not that hungry," I replied, suppressing a giggle. Then I grinned at him. "At least they're better than dead insects." "Well, that's why I'm worried." LOL!!*big evil grin* How was the movie?:D Besides reminding me of childhood moments (what a great, old-school cartoons!), I love the special effects and the action sequences. Watching it felt like a crazy, wild roller-coaster ride! Also, I didn't expect that there'd be a touch of comedy instead --- but that was really worth to laugh!*giggles* After the movie, my brother picked me up and drove us back to Panglima Polim. I finally crashed in bed at sometime after midnight. The Author

I DON'T GET IT!:x
Alright, how do I start this entry?:P A lot have happened lately that I fear my memory capacity couldn't grab and store them all at once. But still, I'll try my best anyway. Grandpa Bagus had tried talking some sense into Dad's head about reality. Mom said there might possibly be a progress, eventhough rather slow. Well, we hope so...*shrugs* I still don't get Mom.:( You see, not long ago --- The Princess Brat's boyfriend Gatot has secretly bitched about me to Mom and her, saying I'm difficult to talk to and he senses that I don't like him at all. (Ha!:x He's right about one thing, though --- but me being difficult to even talk to?*scoffs* Look who's talking!*rolls eyes*) But the truth is, he's actually the one who can't stand me just because I don't worship him blindly the way Mom, The Princess Brat, and most other people around us do. Remember the free tickets I gave The Bratty Couple to watch that movie sometime ago? I know my sister.:| As spoiled and downright annoying she can really be at times, she still appreciates any free gifts for her. (And I'd specifically notified that those were for her and him.) I'm sure she'd have told him those were from me. I know her. But, what did I get in return? She'd thanked me, but he didn't.:| I was right in front of him and in the same goddamned room that night, but he didn't even talk to me, like...at all. Great. What the fuck was that all about, huh? It's not that I'm expecting some sort of blind respect coming from him, no. Still, I believe I deserve some decency too. And he thinks I'm being difficult on him.:x Me?? Oh, fuck off! He thinks I have no idea about the whole shit he's been bitching to Mom. Mom told Menti and Menti's told me.:| Easy. Gatot didn't show up at my cousin Shari's engagement party and everbody had practically asked The Princess Brat why. She'd been obviously upset that night and with him, but...guess what? Mom had scolded her, telling her to be more UNDERSTANDING with him.:O For the very first time in my life since the last time only-God-knows-when, I totally disagree with Mom scolding her like that.:( I mean, hasn't she been understanding ENOUGH with him lately? If he dares sleep over in the same room with The Almost Twins (or The Princess Brat alone sometimes :|) many times already, then why did he chicken out showing up in front of our extended family members with her? Is it because of their constantly nagging question about...marriage? If he's really serious with The Princess Brat, then what is he still afraid of? It looks to me that he keeps on stalling. If he's still unsure, then what the hell he's still been doing here, sucking up to my family? Why is he leading my family on? (And why the hell am I so fucking powerless here?!:x) Another night or so ago, Gatot slept over at Panglima Polim again.:| Later, Menti recalled this story to me from my brother. You see, that early morning, The Princess Brat suddenly woke our brother up...and literally asked him to drive Gatot over to work. :x... "How immature!" Menti had exclaimed with dismay. My brother just shrugged and --- finally! --- admitted his own, silent disapproval. "Yeah." See?:( Even the sweetheart in my family said that. But in the end, Dear Brother always said nothing and obeyed. He often does, even to The Princess Brat. Why? It's just so damn simple.:| He's a real sweetheart. He's considerate with other people's feelings, sometimes even more than his own. No, really. In this case, he reminds me of...Tiger. (I miss you.:( I love you.) Speaking of Tiger, he's still in his healing process.:| He's taken one of my hobbies lately as his too --- walking alone. Okay. But at least he said he'd missed me too.:) Anyway, I still don't understand Mom.:( I mean, I understand her hopes and all, but...how come she's missed these obvious signs? Even Aunt Yanti and Aunt Ria noticed (and they both understand my feelings much better than my own mother these days.:( How strange.) I remember my confessions to both of them. Aunt Yanti had gazed at me sadly with concern, saying she understood. (Btw, she'd already told Menti that she considered Gatot as rather...impolite.:P) Aunt Ria --- who'd bluntly thought that Mom had changed and overly spoiled The Bratty Couple right to their bones --- suggested that I should tell Mom about my feelings.:( Ha! Brilliant idea, but how? Just how the hell can you talk (or at least even try to) some sense into your mother's head anymore, when all that she wants is to make that fake as her precious, future son-in-law --- no matter what?*rolls eyes* I know these days that Mom will always defend him, find any excuse to justify him. ......................... And then, there's another thing as well. Mom's practically told everybody that --- if The Bratty Couple ever get married but still don't have their own place to stay yet --- they're welcome to stay at my parents' anytime they like. *deep sigh* If that ever happens, then I'll be very, very glad to leave that house for good and just move someplace else. Perhaps I'll be my brother's new roommate in Panglima Polim (and I promise I won't give him too much of a hard time.:P) Anywhere but under the same roof with them.:| No way! I know, I'm sounding like a spiteful bitch here.:| But you know what? If being honest about my real feelings makes me a bitch, then fine!:x So be it. *rolls eyes* Believe it or not, the restaurant only opened half a day yesterday.:( Why? The morning staff quit. It was all because they wanted a raise...with less task. How crazy was that? But Mom said it was all taken care of. I shouldn't be too worried. Oh, well.*shrugs* Okay. Still, I don't get it... The Author

WHATEVER *ROLLS EYES*
I forgot to mention that --- actually --- Uncle Iwan Bagus (Grandpa Bagus' son) suddenly turned up at our house yesterday morning, on his bicycle.:D (And I must also add that I miss riding my own, though.:|) For a father of three (his eldest son Adit's attended a college in KL just like my other cousin Rizki), Uncle Iwan is still quite athletic. He's also a fun, easy-going kind of person. But I knew something was up. Since Grandpa Bagus and Grandma Parti (Dad's rich uncle and aunt) have been silently worrying about my family's financial difficulties lately, I could already sense that Uncle Iwan Bagus had come with a mission.:P I figured that Mom could tell that too, because we ended up letting him have a chat with Dad for a while. I'd sat in the living room with the two of them, watching cartoons on TV.:P "After a while, I've just started riding my bicycle again," Uncle Iwan had confessed with a huff. "It's true that working out is still necessary." "That's alright," Dad replied. "As long as it's not too late to do so." "Actually, nothing is ever really too late as long as a strong will to do anything is still involved," I suddenly interrupted. Honestly, I didn't like the way he thought of all that. To me, it sounded as if he was simply...quitting on life itself.:| "Now, that's even more correct!" Uncle Iwan Bagus agreed with a very big grin.:D But unfortunately, Dad strongly (and strangely) disagreed.:| "Actually, that can only sound more as a mere comfort for those who are too late," he said. The defensive tone in his voice was way too damn obvious to ignore. "Besides, what's wrong with being too late?" What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?!:x Uncle Iwan Bagus' grin rapidly faded as he looked completely stunned.:| I said nothing more after that, just silently fuming and returning my focus on TV while silently mouthing the word: "Whatever."*rolls eyes* Yeah, right. Whatever. I didn't care that I did all of that in front of Uncle Iwan Bagus. I'd tried my best to inject some sort of hope and optimism in Dad's apathetic head, and all he cruelly did in return was to throw that back at my face.:x Well, thanks a lot for nothing! Look at you now, Dad.:( You've always been harder on the three of us since we were kids. Yeah, even hardest on me. Remember what you said. Show no weaknesses to others, or they'll never respect you and only use you in the end. And you've only convinced me this for years, that I've always been such a freak that nobody will ever understand, right?? I guess, that's why I wonder these days if talking some sense into you is still reasonable.*sneers* Believe what you like, Dad. Since I'm still a freak to you, it won't matter what I say. You won't even bother to listen to me anyway. But just look at you now, Dad.:( You're so weak now because you don't even care about your own family and life anymore. Please, don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I'm just very sad and disappointed here. *deep sigh* Last night, The Bratty Couple finally used those two free tickets from me to watch "Tiga Hari Untuk Selamanya" (Three Days To Forever). Although The Princess Brat is very spoiled and downright annoying at times, I still appreciated her thanks to me. But Gatot?*scoffs* He didn't even bother to talk to me. Whatever.*rolls eyes* The Author

A NIGHT ON HEELS...:P
*huffs* Thank God!:D I've finally submitted my job application and resume over to DKJ. (Btw, I must correct my mistake here.*blushes* They're actually looking for an editorial secretary / project officer assistant, but they still need two sampling articles from the applicants anyway.:P) Phew! Hehe, and June 25 is tomorrow. If I'm lucky and they think I might possibly fit for the job, I'll just wait for their call after a week. About the other two on my previous 'things-to-do' list?:( God, I want to do those too. I hope I can. I know I must. A.S.A.P. So, please...help me, God.:| Help me so I can help my family even more too. I seriously mean this. Last night was my cousin Shari's engagement party at her parents' home. I had to leave the restaurant early at 6:30 with The Almost Twins. We'd gotten stuck at Cipulir's craziest traffic of the week for over fifteen minutes!:x Grrrh!! Blame it on the stupid, selfish and pig-headed bus drivers who always stop by whenever the hell they please, oftentimes practically blocking the road.*rolls eyes* Sorry, unfortunately it's already a common thing in my country. Ugh! Since The Princess Brat was already well-dressed, our brother dropped her off first at Shari's before speeding home. Then I rushed for a super quick shower and getting dressed, while my brother changed into a formal batik shirt and black trousers. Since Shari's is only a block away from home, he and I just simply...walked. Yup. And I thanked God I didn't crush Mom's favourite pair of stilettos under my feet.*big evil grin* I'm a tomboy, remember?:P High-heels and my feet just don't get along that much. Converse All-Stars are my feet's best friends, though. Salute to Chuck Taylor!:P The party went well.:) I must say loved the ribs and the mini pancakes with chocolate Hershey sauce on them.:D Hehe. The Author

THINGS TO DO:
1.Write another sampling article for my job application as an online columnist in the official website of Jakarta's Art Council (Dewan Kesenian Jakarta) --- www.dkj.or.id. I've already written one, but they need two. And the deadline is...June 25. Yikes!:O*gasps* I desperately need a new job here!! 2.Fighting to get a Rp.290,000 A.S.A.P. for my stupid, old cellphone number's bill (and to terminate the use of it once and for all!) How? I still don't know. If you're living in my hometown, that's obviously an impossible task --- unless you're the heir of a royal palace somewhere.*rolls eyes* Maybe I should really try that quiz out on Hardrock FM again, this time the one with "Wall Street Institute" --- an English school for adults (also where Patrick's going to start his new job as a teacher there in September!:D) There's a Rp.250,000 cash for the winner's prize each week. (Speaking of that, 94.7 U FM hasn't notified me more about the Rp.150,000 I've also won in their "Lux-sponsored" contest a month or so ago. The last time I checked, their reply was still only a "not yet" on the phone. Hmmm...:|) 3.Paying back to Luki. Rp.300,000 is quite much these days.:| I know he's been a generous friend to me, but...I still don't want to risk our friendship. After all, in the end --- money is still...money. The Broke Author

TIRED AND SARCASTIC...:P
I am so terribly exhausted today.:| But still, I'm trying to write about this hectic Thursday. I showed up early at work for a catering order. We'd been busy in the kitchen and packed things up, because the client wanted the goods delivered for lunch. Luckily, at that time, I'd already sneaked some time out for a quick breakfast.:P (Believe me, you don't want to lift heavy stuff with an empty stomach!) Guess what? It turned out that The Princess Brat had skipped work today. A monthly bad cramp, she'd claimed.:P Okay, I can still understand that. (Heck, I am a woman too!) But then, she came downstairs with that pitiful look on her face and whined, "Where's my breakfast?" *big evil grin* Of course, Mommy Dearest ended up fixing her a bowl of fried noodle. If you happened to read this diary of mine for the very first time, I'd be happy to challenge you to guess The Princess Brat's real age. She's 27. No, I am so not kidding you.*giggles sarcastically* She's 27, but acted like a spoiled six-year-old this morning. And she's also the one talking about wanting to get married. HAHAHA!!*big evil grin* Alright, enough acting like a jealous, insecure little bitch here.:P (But then, even if I really am, so fucking what, huh?) In the end, The Bratty Couple were having their afternoon date strolling the city together, because --- get this! --- Gatot happened to be doing the same thing she did. Skipping work.*rolls eyes* I'm sure they'll let their future kids cut school whenever they feel like doing so, because The Princess Brat believes that it's a part of "enjoying life!" Ha-ha. Why are they always so damn lucky? Is it just me?? The Author

BROKE...:(
I finally received the gifts from Hardrock FM yesterday afternoon. Two tickets to watch that local movie "Tiga Hari Untuk Selamanya" (Three Days To Forever) and some money (curious about the amount?:P Hehe.) I've kept tI've finally received my gifts from Hardrock he money to myself, of course --- using some to pay for my old cellphone bill.*blushes* I must admit that I'm ashamed of that fact. Yeah, I kept putting it off. Now I must do something about it really quick. I must put an end to this, because --- from now on --- I'll never ever use that forsaken number again.:| And I had no choice but to borrow some money from my old college pal Luki. The funny thing is, back when we were still in college --- we'd been like two separate, independent souls that sometimes hung out together. No emotional connection between us. That's why I was genuinely surprised when he did help me.:O No, seriously. He's always been this okay guy to me, though. And I didn't hear from Putri nor Pumpkin. I couldn't help but silently wondering: "Hey, I thought we were best friends." I know, I'm sounding slightly negative about this.:( I guess I can never really rely on anybody else in the world a 100% all the time but on God and only God. Right? You'll be surprised to read this: I gave the tickets to The Bratty Couple. Why did I do that?*big evil grin* 1.The Princess Brat is crazy about the leading actor Nicholas Saputra.:P 2.She wants to see that movie with Gatot, of course.:P 3.I'm already too stressed out to enjoy the movie anyway.:( Being broke sucks BIG TIME! The Broke Author

HELL, YEAH!:x
I forgot to add that yesterday, I'd also visited 87.6 Hardrock FM in Sarinah-Thamrin, Central Jakarta --- to pick up my gifts like I'd been early notified on the phone the day before.:| However, there was a slight misunderstanding between Oki the producer and Ida the receptionist who'd accepted me, so I couldn't receive those yet as promised. Ida said she'd notify me later on the phone about when I'd get to receive the gifts (two tickets to see that new local movie and some money.) Mr.Oki (or anyone from MRA Broadcast Media), if you're reading this --- I'm terribly disappointed of all of you.:( Hell, yeah! I came home empty-handed and disappointed. And Dad had made it such a big deal this morning.:x Thank God I wasn't around to hear all of his crap, but it still hurts me so damn much when Menti told me all about it. He thought I was only doing something awfully stupid and useless, wasting my money on a bus trip there and back for nothing. Mom and Menti had said nothing when he said all that. Well, it was not my fault.:( Fine, maybe a little --- because I didn't call them back first to just check on it. But, did he have to say such awful things about my mistake? Besides, it's my money! If I fuck myself up financially, then let it all be my own shit to deal with.:x He's not working anymore anyway, although my brother obviously still needs his financial aid for his expensive college tuition fees.*rolls eyes* :'-(... Somehow, Mom's already sensed my resentment over...Gatot. Finally? Hell, yeah!:| But somehow, Gatot's already influenced her into thinking and believing that...I'm just this insecure little bitch who has issues. Oh, fuck you!:x To me, you're nothing but a two-faced hypocrite!! The Angry and Hurt Author

FROM SUNDAY TO MONDAY
I had no idea that the book fair in Senayan last Sunday afternoon would've been that...crowded.:O*gasps* Or maybe I should've, because it was also the last day of the book fair.:| Anyway, at least I had so much fun with Hani and her youngest sister Ragil that day.:) We'd strolled around the inside of the Istora Senayan building, visiting like...hundreds of stands from different publishing houses/bookstores. And the discounts...OOOH!!!:D I'd nearly gone crazy like a little girl wanting all the candies in the store.*giggles* In the end, I'd regained control of myself and only bought...one, from Dastan Books!:P It's "London Wild Rose" by. Kusuma Andrianto. Hani bought three, one by Putu Arcana and two by Putu Wijaya. Both authors are from Bali. ("Don't worry, I'll lend you those once I finish reading," Hani promised me.:D) On Monday night, I was being slightly...impulsive.:P Kristie invited me and friends from the gathering for dinner at eight at "Strawberry Cafe" in Tanjung Duren, but I'd shown up an hour earlier in West Jakarta. I paid a surprise visit to MS 3 FM's studio, just to see Andy and Seth go live on the air.*giggles* They were startled to see me outside their window.:P I had dinner with Kristie, Mary Jo and her parents, Handi, Hardi, and Lili. Janna and Rachmat came, so did Andy and Seth who stopped by for a while. Then I had to go home at nine. The Author

WITH THE HAZE IN MY EYES...*YAWNS*
I'm still feeling all sleepy today, but I'm back to work anyway.*yawns* It's a bit strange that I'm still like this, but maybe...not so much. After saying goodbye to Kristin last Tuesday, I returned to work on my night-shift. Patrick and Seth were surprisingly partners on the air, and --- as usual --- I'd called in first to talk to them for a while.:) When I told them just how sleepy I was, they just laughed. Patrick said he understood why, because he knew I'd stayed up really late with Kristin the night before --- chatting with her until she finished packing. *sighs* I miss Kristin.:| I just sent her an e-mail this morning. And Patrick's flown to Yogyakarta yesterday. I'd texted his cellphone on Tuesday night, telling him about this Chinese restaurant named 'Tio Ciu' (sp?) there --- near Hotel Santika, if I'm not mistaken (according to my parents' memory.:P) I remember eating dinner there --- twice --- back when I was a kid. I'm not sure if it's still there after the earthquake, but they served 'kepiting lemburi' --- fried crabs so crunchy you can even eat their pinchers. It was sooo delicious!:D Okay, fast rewind to last Tuesday night --- again.:P Since I was way too tired to go home to Tanah Kusir, I'd decided to crash at Panglima Polim / The Restaurant --- upstairs with The Almost Twins. But Gatot was visiting, and he'd been in the room with The Princess Brat alone --- while Dear Brother was downstairs in the living room, crafting his designing orders for a project due Sunday this week.:( I'd decided to stall some time in the restaurant alone, writing while listening to the radio. (Honestly, I'd been silently wishing him to just go home.:|) Surprisingly, despite my sleepy head, I could still call in another radio station --- 87.6 Hardrock FM --- to join a quiz...and I'd won.:O I've won some money and two free tickets to see a premiere of a new local movie "Tiga Hari Untuk Selamanya" (Three Days For Good) --- starring Nicholas Saputra and Adinia Wirasti (the two reunited after their successful teen-flick "Ada Apa Dengan Cinta?"/What Is It With Love? --- back in 2002). Whoa... Speaking of that, I also remember that I've also won some money from another quiz in another radio station --- 94.7 U FM --- weeks ago.:P (I hope that's also a sign for my luck turning better real soon.) I'd texted my beauty quote for their "Lux-sponsored" quiz. Here, I can even still remember my beauty quote: "True beauty comes from good health. Why? Good health gives you good mood. Good mood gives you positive attitude, and that's what makes your true beauty glow." *giggles* Hehe. That just came from the mind of an idealist.:P*points at my head* When I realised that I couldn't keep my eyes properly open anymore, I gave up stalling and just trudged upstairs. The Bratty Couple were still in that room together, but I just didn't care anymore. Hell, I was way too tired! I just crashed in one separate bed from them...fast and hard... Just for the record, they weren't doing 'anything' at all that night.*big evil grin* Hehe. So hold that dirty thought of yours, if you happen to have any while reading this. But still, I don't like having Gatot around this much and too close.:| I believe the feeling is mutual, because I happen to be the only family member of his girlfriend's whom he barely speaks to --- unless if he has to. Even when we're in the same room and nobody else is around. (Yes, people. I'm not kidding you about this one.*rolls eyes*) But if he talks to me while Mom is around, I know it's only for a mere good impression --- nothing more or something genuine. (In other words, he's just sucking up to Mom.:|) Fine.*scoffs* I don't care, just as long as he doesn't start controlling my life the way he's taken over my own family. Even my darling brother...*sighs*:( I can't blame that kid for still being naive, though. He's just a nice guy wanting a ideal big brother. That's all.:| If only Gatot weren't being such a fake, I might like him better. No, seriously. I'm not just some insecure bitch who dislikes people for no reasons at all. Besides, I'm not alone in this. Menti feels the same way too. So does Aunt Ria. Even Aunt Yanti thought of him as being rather rude and...impolite.:x Good point. However, everybody in my family seems to be blinded by his so-called charm.*rolls eyes* I guess that makes my life still a personal twilight zone here these days, because I happen to be the exception from all of that crap. I consider myself still sane and (quite) sensible, despite the crazy situation. You can call that surviving, if you may. I guess that's the reason why I love hanging out with my friends even more and just being away from home. He's practically stolen my family away from me.:( I'm about to lose my place here if I don't do something about it. *deep sigh* Okay, enough about that.:| I don't want to get myself overly depressed with this matter. Anyway, I figured that Gatot didn't sleep over, because I only found The Almost Twins the next morning. Good. I figured he could always take my hint. Btw, Mom had suggested that I tried applying for a job in Trans-TV again (where Gatot works), but...no way.:x I don't feel like doing it at all and just want to be away from Gatot's influence.*rolls eyes* I'd rather apply for a job as a feature editor at my favourite magazine SPICE!, thank you very much. Which reminds me that I must prepare for my resume (very thin!:'-( ), portfolio, a sampling article...stuff like that.*huffs* No idea comes to mind...yet, but I'm sure it will. It must. I'm a hardworker when it comes to something I really, really want. Speaking of jobs, Patrick's gotten accepted at "Wall Street Institute" in Ratu Plaza, South Jakarta --- as an English teacher. YAY!:D He'd told me that last Monday night. I'm very happy for him. That means he'll get to stay in my hometown for another year. When his contract with MS 3 FM ends in July, he'll return to Tennessee, USA for a while --- and then come back again sometime around August-September to start his new job. Alright! I like him.:) Of course I want him to stay here much longer. He's such a nice fellow. He's practically a good friend to me now. I haven't heard from Tiger lately.:( Oh, well.*sighs* Maybe he's still busy with his exams. He needs his own time and space right now, I'm sure.:) I will not disturb him for the moment. But still, I truly miss him. I can't lie about that fact these days, and not anymore. I'm still swamped with...more and more writing contests here. WOOHOO!:D I'm also going to visit a book fair in Senayan with Hani this Sunday afternoon. And I hope our other friend Dian can come too...:) The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY, A POOL NIGHT, AND KRISTIN'S LAST DAY IN JAKARTA...:'-(
*deep sigh* I am not sure where to begin this entry, but still...I'll try my best anyway.:P I hope I'm not doing too bad, since I'm still feeling all sleepy and tad hollow while writing this. It's also going to be a long entry. I went to Jelambar again on Sunday afternoon for another "Speak-Out's Off-Air Gathering" in Surya Pemandu School.:D YAY! I've been missing all of them very much. As usual, I took off from Panglima Polim to Blok M's bus station at sometime around ten in the morning and used two Trans-Jakarta buses to Harmoni and Jelambar. Since Hani had asked me to meet her at Ciputra Mall at twelve first, that's where I'd gone earlier. I got to arrive in Ciputra Mall at...11:45.:P*giggles* I know, I was being an early bird again. At 12:05, Hani still hadn't shown up yet.:| Anxiously, I texted her and waited inside Dunkin Donuts, ordering a cup of iced-orange juice. Fortunately, not long after that --- Hani finally turned up.:) We left Ciputra Mall at sometime around after 12:30 or so, using a bajaj to Surya Pemandu. Dian had texted my cellphone, telling me she'd have definitely caught up with us there. I was sooo happy to see them all over again.:D Since they haven't seen me in a while, most of them were surprised to see my new haircut (hehe).:P Andy's gained a little weight, but he looked much fresher.*giggles* Kristin was going to return to The States on Tuesday...*snifs*:'-( There was also Kristie. Mary Jo and her parents Chuck and Jane (to be honest, my country's cultural background makes me feel awkward calling them by their first names, so I still ended up calling them "Sir" and "Ma'am" more often.*blushes*) Patrick showed up with his second family Tammy and her teenage son Seth (I was seriously stunned to learn that he'd already graduated from high school, because he seemed much younger than that to my eyes.:O Oh, well. That was just my first assumption about him.*giggles*) Our other friends?*huffs* Yikes. Let's just hope that I don't leave anybody behind, okay?*cringes* But if I unintentionally do, then...*shrugs* sorry.*blushes* Chenny. Ali. Dian (of course!:P) Janna. Menti (not my aunt, but they both have the same name.:P) Mega (thanks for the delicious cake, girl!;D) Luluk. Ari. Hesti. Maya. Wina and her friend Dina. Tia. I really enjoyed that sunny Sunday.:D Mary Jo's parents were genuinely warm. So was Tammy. At first, I'd kind of assumed that Seth might've been the quiet type, because he didn't seem to talk much. Later, I saw that he and Andy were pulling each other's legs (British idioms!*giggles*) That was when I started noticing that mischievous glint in his eyes. Oooh!*big evil grin* You must be careful with him. He sort of reminded me of my own brother, especially when he was sitting next to his mother that afternoon --- sort of leaning against her. Awww, cute!:P After the gathering, I headed back to Ciputra Mall with Dian, Hani, Janna, Luluk, Wina, and Dina for a while. Then I got on the Trans-Jakarta buses with Hani, and we parted in Dukuh Atas. I returned to Blok M... On Monday night, I returned to Ciputra Mall again --- this time to have dinner and play pool with everybody.:) Who? Kristie, Mary Jo and her parents, Janna, Hardi, Andy, Lydia, Mila, and Daka. We ate in "Platinum" (I love their fried calamari!:D) Patrick, Kristin, and Seth caught up with us. Mila kindly gave some gifts; cute, stuffed animals for Kristie, Kristin, and Mary Jo --- and a hat for Patrick. (Andy had joked, "Hey, how come Patrick didn't get the same stuffed animal too?":P) By the time we were about to play pool, our group grew with more friends coming --- Handi, Henri (or Henrick??), and Ali. I don't know just what happened to me that night, but...I kept being the jinx in the game.:P Why? Whenever I teamed up with anybody, I'd always gotten us lost.*blushes* First, I was with Mary Jo's father Chuck against Ali and Janna. There was this critical moment when I tried Chuck's suggestion. I did put the ball in the hole --- along with the cue.:| Chuck was quite dismayed. "No, not like that!" "I'm sorry!" Ooops!:O Then I switched partner with Ali, while Chuck was with Patrick. (Janna quit for a while.) Ali was obviously an excellent player, but --- thanks to me --- I got us lost.:P Oh, well... After two games, I decided to take a break and handed the stick to Henri. I sat with Patrick by the stairs and we chatted. (Btw, before that, the three of us --- with Chuck --- had made funny poses with the sticks while Hardi took our picture with a camera.*giggles*) I don't know why, but I suddenly had this crazy idea of folding my dry upper lip backward, so my front teeth were more visible. (Well, you can call that one of my rare 'specialties' if you like.*big evil grin*) Hardi must've thought I'd looked ridiculously freaky, because he took a picture of me with that scary expression.LOL!! Then Patrick tried doing the same and Hardi took his picture too. That was hilarious!*giggles* Andy thought Patrick had looked like some crazy bunny character infected with some sort of disease. After playing pool, Kristie went home early, because her friend Meredith stayed overnight at their place in Tanjung Duren. I joined the others for a late-night chat session at Starbucks in Sarinah, sharing a taxi with Hardi and Kristin on the way and back. When I heard Patrick and Seth talking, they sounded like real brothers (*giggles*): Patrick: "Is your mom okay with you still staying up this late?" Seth: "I don't know. She didn't say anything. What do you think?" Patrick: "Don't ask me. I'm not the authority figure here." Since Kristin was hungry, Hardi and I followed her to McDonald's first. Andy, Seth, and Handi caught up with us. I saw Seth order two fried chicken and rice, and I noticed that he didn't use any sauce. Hmm, just like me when I eat. When Patrick came and everybody was done eating, we caught up with Mary Jo at Starbucks --- because she'd been on her own with her cup of green mint tea. Her parents had already taken off. The same funny thing happened --- twice (or was it thrice? Hmm, my memory doesn't serve me well today.:|) First, one of the two round tables we were using that night wasn't stable.:P As soon as Mary Jo put her bag next to her cup, the cup fell suddenly and hot, mint tea just sloshed out --- splattering all over the carpet and our feet. Ouch! Mary Jo had turned red, but soon she recovered from embarrassment. Kristin had kindly bought her another new one. The second happened during jokes in conversation.:P Andy was holding his cup and Patrick sort of interrupted their middle space on the couch, playfully shoving Seth aside --- and accidentally knocking Andy's cup over...to the front of his white T-shirt.*gasps* The next thing we all saw was drops of chocolate liquid on it.:O And my only comment was: "That was the second spill of the night!" "Third," Seth corrected me. (Huh??) Feeling bad, Patrick offered Andy to wear his dark blue polo shirt (he was wearing white underneath) while Andy's white tee was rinsed in the bathroom. But when Patrick had struggled a little taking it off in front of everybody, Handi --- who had only meant well --- tried to help, but he ended up pulling his undershirt too by accident. Patrick jolted up and freaked out, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" LOL!!:P When the blue polo shirt was on Andy, I was strangely impressed at how it fit it seemed. Yeah, Andy even admitted to me that he and Patrick were almost the same size. And, if you want to know how to tell if Patrick is obviously exhausted, you should've listened to him say this that night: "The crees are trying..." (Translation: it was supposed to be "The trees are crying...") LOL!!:P That was sooo funny. When Patrick realised that, he just giggled. Then he decided to go home, followed by Seth. Gradually, we ended the chat session and went home too. By the time Kristin and I arrived in Tanjung Duren, it was already after midnight. I couldn't sleep yet, so I mostly watched Kristin packed up her loads of stuff while we were talking. You know, I kind of felt bad that I hadn't been able to hang out with her that much while she was still around.:( She's been fun. *deep sigh* I didn't check the time when I finally crashed...really hard. But I figured it wasn't that long, because I woke up at seven. I'd gotten to know Meredith before she got into a cab with her suitcase to catch a plane to Yogyakarta. Since I couldn't go back to sleep, I took a shower and then watched TV for a while until the girls were ready. We had breakfast with Hardi and Lili at Pizza Hut in Ciputra Mall. When Hardi recalled the spilling incident that involved the shirt exchange to Kristie, I couldn't help but giggling all over again. Well, what else can I say? It was funny!:P I didn't go to the airport with them. I knew Tammy was leaving too, but Patrick said that Seth would stick around this whole summer. He seemed fun, like Patrick and Andy. They're like the kind of fellows that can make other people laugh.:) Have a safe journey back home, Tammy and Kristin. We'll miss you loads. The Author

AFTER THE NON-PRODUCTIVE DAY...
I slept through all yesterday.:| Well, not exactly 24 hours, but practically most of Tuesday. It started in the morning. First of all, I found myself somehow unable to get up as quickly as I normally do. Just when I prepared for my clothes, my limbs started throbbing and I began to feel dizzy. So I staggered back to bed and grabbed my blanket to cover my shivering body. My forehead and neck were hot, while my hands and feet were cold. Yup, it was the climbing fever. I texted Mom (who'd stood by earlier at the restaurant for catering orders), telling her I was ill. Then I slept again until sometime after ten. Pia --- one of the restaurant staff who'd been off and who also lives with us --- has been my good helper for the day.:) She cooked and bought my other needs. After brunch at eleven, I slept again...until five!:O Can you believe it? Just when I'd thought I was feeling much better, I ended up throwing up in the bathroom.:| Yuck! Then I changed my clothes and tried to eat some more, fearing that it might also end up in a toilet bowl again.*frowns* Luckily, it wasn't happening again. Phew!*deep sigh* After that?:P Sleep. How boring and unproductive my yesterday could really be? But the back of my neck started to stiff from too much sleeping and lying down.:| So I just sat down on the couch and mostly zoned out in front of TV. Then I remembered that "Speak-Out" was on at seven as usual, but...the stereo's broken.:( My cellphone was only able to send one very last message, so...*shrugs* Guess what?:| "Heart" was on a local TV again last night. I remembered refusing to watch it once long ago, when it was still in local theatres. I must admit it's a great movie, actually. It's a sad, love story about true friendship and unrequited love. Then I got to read the novelized version first before I finally watched it myself. And last night, I couldn't seem to even take my eyes off of it.:'-( Is it true that true love actually comes from true friendship too?:( Am I just naive for still believing in such things? No, it's not that I tend to fall in love easily with all of my male buddies.:P Just for the record, I can still tell the difference. I'm not a boy-crazy, but I can still get crazy about one, particular guy. I don't need too many admirers. I just want someone I love who feels the same way too. There. I've admitted it. No more pride getting in my way for all of that. *deep sigh* Perhaps Tiger was right. I still need more rest because I'm not completely well...just yet.:| The haze is still in my eyes. I still feel sleepy. I'm afraid I'm saying too much nonsense here...or just being too honest.*blushes* You see, we just chatted this morning. It was another heart-to-heart conversation (the kind we often have these days.) Don't blame me, but he keeps bringing that up.:P He was only offline for a couple of weeks and he said he already worried about me, even before I mentioned the fever. (???) Does that prove my theory about him being "my soulmate"? Maybe Al was right. Judging from our previous conversation, Tiger is afraid to hurt me, more than the opposite possibility. Now I must choose my ways wisely...and carefully... The Author

TO FACE THE TRUTH...
I don't know where to begin. I'm such a complete wreck...again. I wish I were totally numb today. I wish I had no feelings left here to stay. No, seriously. I'm even surprised that I can still breathe normally. I thought...well, I felt like I've just run long miles without stopping --- until my lungs were about to explode and the beating of my heart just stopped. I've already lost a couple of nights' decent sleep, resulting in a migraine yesterday and another last night's deep slumber --- but restless. Pitch black was mostly the colour of my dreams. I only heard strange, scary voices inside my head. Hushed whispers of my old demons from the past again, and ragged breathings I subconsciously recognized as my own. I didn't want to wake up this morning...at all. But still, I had to. Reality has no tolerance for this kind of thing. Mom urged me to hurry up for work, so I showered quickly. As I was washing my hair, tears suddenly started.:'-( No, it wasn't from the shampoo --- although I'd prepared that excuse for my parents, just in case I'd have come out of the bathroom with red, puffy eyes and they might've been suspicious. But still, I'd let them fall --- along with the pouring water. I've learned how to cry silently. I do that a lot lately. In my real world, though --- crying is (considered) a sign of weakness. That's just what Dad always believes in. Thankfully, when I got out and checked myself in the mirror, my eyes were just fine. Mom said that I have very expressive eyes, and that's why I'm often a terrible liar to other people. I wonder if she still notices that now, the way she always notices The Princess Brat and her boyfriend Gatot these days... *deep sigh* Yes, people.:( It's the all-too-familiar agony again. It's the same old heartache. I remember a couple of years back, when I had this really scary nightmare about my teeth falling off with awfully acid blood in my mouth. (I know it's gory.) There are several interpretations about it. Most local people here believe that it's a warning that someone you know will die soon enough (or some people, considering how many teeth that fall off.:P) Andy once said that it was about how much your lies hurt other people. Considering the acid taste of blood in the mouth, T.B. thought it wasn't about losing someone or even something --- but someone trying to put something inside your mouth that you dislike /putting bad influence in you. (???) Back then, Tiger and his now-ex thought it was the sign of my fear losing someone (whom I consider) closest to me. Someone or some people? I'd wondered back then. Honestly, hearing that from both of them had felt more like an ironic slap in my face.:-/ Mom had agreed to their interpretation, but she also had another interesting point of view. "I think the numbers of the falling teeth represents just how scared you are of losing that someone and how much they mean to you." I swear to you, I'd wanted to cry back then.:'-( Of course she knew. "Why do you always have to play the guardian angel if you have those feelings too yourself? Why should you act like the good, fairy-godmother?" Because I thought that was for the best.:'-( I thought that was what any best friend in the world would (and should) ever really do to another. As long as he's happy and she's treating him right, remember? I'm not lying to you. It's never been easy for me, but to me --- he's that priceless. I just want him to always be happy. I had no other choice back then.*shrugs* He'd already made his. And I thought that...hell, being a good girl would get you noticed more. But that's just a bunch of crap, isn't it? To them, you're just perfect for a friend to rely on. (Which is still a very good thing, I must admit and state here.) But they're not looking for a girlfriend in you. Why? The answer is very, very simple: you're dead boring and less challenging. They notice girls who know damn well how to flirt with them and make them all fall to their knees, not girls who can make them feel safe and supported. They want girls who play hard to get and act mysterious. It's easy. That's just part of the game, right? I know I'm just being me. I'm not perfect, but so is nobody.:P I guess I shouldn't be too bitter of that simple fact. But I still stick to my principles. I don't (want to) change for other people, especially guys. I change for me, myself, and I only. I mean, if I start flirting around and playing hard to get, I'll be a total fake. Yuck! I don't need too many admirers. I just want that one good guy I'm afraid I can never find again. Is it too much to ask? Am I asking for way too much here, God? Is it just my other stupid, useless wishful thinking that won't ever come true? Whatever happens, she always wins. She's still successfully influencing Tiger, even after their break-up and with her now new boyfriend/future husband/whatever.*rolls eyes* She's still hurting him and I don't know why and what for. I don't know why Tiger's still putting up with all of that.:x I mean, she still talks to him, only telling him just how much she's lusting for that 34-year-old dude --- or how childish and immature Tiger is. (What? WHAT?! HOW DARE SHE! LOOK WHO'S TALKING!! BITCH!!!:x) And guess what? It turned out that she was also a backstabbing, two-faced bitch as well.:x She was never really my friend from the very beginning, just acting nice and being manipulative to save her own ass! You see, she's secretly been jealous and insecure of my existence as Tiger's closest female pal in his life, so she tried making us fight...twice already! And I don't even want to mention the details here, but some of my good friends have already heard. So did Tiger. He told me that she'd said some shit about me to him behind my back, but...THANK GOD!:D He never believed her.*big evil grin* He and I are still talking. Haha! Take that, bitch. I never did that to her, eventhough she'd hurt him too many times. Just for the record, I've already stopped talking to her myself since she'd betrayed Tiger and made him want to cut himself to bleed.:( She never even bothers to say at least hi to me anymore. Good. I'm sure she knows I'm angry with her. I don't want to end up saying mean but unnecessary things to her that I might possibly regret later. Besides, it's not worth it. I've got much better things to do. *sighs* I know, I screwed up again.:( I've planned to wait until after June 14, but...something came up. As usual, he sensed something again.*blushes* Anyway, we've been having the heart-to-heart talk pretty much lately. It feels so good, yet also very torturing at the same time. Why? I don't want him to think that I'm pressuring him or anything like that.:( No way! I did plan to wait, but he insisted that I should tell him all about it right away. Knowing how stubbornly persistent he sometimes really can be, I obeyed. "Honestly, do you really think I'm worth that much to you?" "You already know my answer to that." "No, I don't. And that's what's so funny. Besides, I think you deserve someone better than me." "You make me want to be better." "You know, one of these moments, you're making me speechless.:)" Is that a sign for me to just...stop hoping for such rare miracle and let him go --- again?:'-( Why did he (have to) tell me he had feelings for me too after their break-up, if he was afraid to be with me? I mean, I can totally understand his situation right now. (Plus, I don't want to be just a rebound girl here.:|) But I'm sure you know damn well just what the hell I'm talking about here. Do I still want to wait for him? I do, but he thinks I shouldn't. God, I hate this.:'-( If You don't want him to be with me, then why is still so damn hard for me to just get over him and move on, no matter what I do? Want to know my other fear?:( Let's be hypotethical. I stop waiting for Tiger and start giving another guy a chance. What if I can't love him like I love Tiger? What if I won't be able to love him at all, no matter how nice he might be and how hard I try? I don't want to find myself trapped in a loveless relationship in the future. I don't want to hurt that other guy with...this... The Author

*DEEP SIGH*
Heh.:P It's been a while since my last entry. I think I must look back and check the 'things-to-do' list I've made: 1.Getting my new ATM Card at the bank after the old one was stolen weeks ago and blocked.:| I was supposed to do that today, but I had no time. (checked) 2.Sending my CV to that local, online bookstore right away for a career change. I desperately need a new job --- the kind that can make me feel more independent. (It's not that I'm not being grateful enough or else, but who says working for your own family is a life in a royal palace? Well, unless if you're as lucky as The Princess Brat, that is.*rolls eyes*) (checked) 3.Finishing a short story for an online contest (and the deadline is already less than a week. Yikes!:O) (checked) 4.Saving money for the special off-air "Speak-Out" gathering on May 24th at Comedy Cafe, Sudirman, Central Jakarta from four to eight pm. Since it's special, there's an entry fee.:| I know it rather sucks, but I still want to come. Patrick's mentioned about the poetry-reciting, story-telling, and games sessions as well.:D I'm genuinely interested! (That's why, I won't be around to update entries for a while, since I'm still dependent on cybercafes.:|) (postponed until further notice) 5.Telling Tiger how I really feel for him. Wait. I've already done that before...way too many times since long ago.:( But, being completely honest with him about what I really want with...him and I? No, not yet. I'm afraid. (Ooops!*gulps*) When? I don't know. I'm kind of waiting for the right time. After his exams will be more appropriate for this, since I don't want to burden him even worse in the head. I've had supportive friends here who remind me not to give up on him easily.:) For that, I thank them. If you ask me, he's still worth fighting for. I know it's not good for my mental health to keep it any longer, although I must be ready for the future consequences...*shudders* Bad news on number four.:( Why? Last night, I was just printing out my short story for that special gathering, when Patrick suddenly texted me: Him: "Hey, I should tell you that the special gathering got postponed, so it won't be on Thursday. Sorry, decision comes from the boss." Me: "When will it be?:(" Him: "Still not sure. Sorry. But I'll let you know as soon as I know." Me: "Should I just wait for more info or do I just purchase the ticket?" Him: "Wait until we know more." Me: "Okay, thanks." *deep sigh* Oh, well.:|*shrugs* Not much I can do about that here. At least, the regular gathering will still be on. When? June 3.:) Same time, same place. About number five?:O Tiger said that he'll be having his exams on the first two weeks of June. *gulps* The Author

THINGS TO DO:
1.Getting my new ATM Card at the bank after the old one was stolen weeks ago and blocked.:| I was supposed to do that today, but I had no time. 2.Sending my CV to that local, online bookstore right away for a career change. I desperately need a new job --- the kind that can make me feel more independent. (It's not that I'm not being grateful enough or else, but who says working for your own family is a life in a royal palace? Well, unless if you're as lucky as The Princess Brat, that is.*rolls eyes*) 3.Finishing a short story for an online contest (and the deadline is already less than a week. Yikes!:O) 4.Saving money for the special off-air "Speak-Out" gathering on May 24th at Comedy Cafe, Sudirman, Central Jakarta from four to eight pm. Since it's special, there's an entry fee.:| I know it rather sucks, but I still want to come. Patrick's mentioned about the poetry-reciting, story-telling, and games sessions as well.:D I'm genuinely interested! (That's why, I won't be around to update entries for a while, since I'm still dependent on cybercafes.:|) 5.Telling Tiger how I really feel for him. Wait. I've already done that before...way too many times since long ago.:( But, being completely honest with him about what I really want with...him and I? No, not yet. I'm afraid. (Ooops!*gulps*) When? I don't know. I'm kind of waiting for the right time. After his exams will be more appropriate for this, since I don't want to burden him even worse in the head. I've had supportive friends here who remind me not to give up on him easily.:) For that, I thank them. If you ask me, he's still worth fighting for. I know it's not good for my mental health to keep it any longer, although I must be ready for the future consequences...*shudders* The Author

A NIGHT AT BLITZ :P *BEWARE SPOILERS FOR "SPIDERMAN 3"!!!*
How was my last night?:D It was great.:D Before going to Blitz Megaplex, I'd managed to listen to the first half-time of "Speak-Out" while preparing myself and be The First Caller...again.*giggles* As usual, Patrick and Kristin were the announcers on Monday. After that, I left Panglima Polim and headed to Blok M's bus station and bought the Trans-Jakarta ticket. A bus ride and I was finally there at sometime around 8:30 pm. We were going to watch "Spiderman 3" at nine. I met Patrick, Kristin, Kristie, Mary Jo, Sysyl, Lili, Ali and his friend (sorry, I forgot his name *blushes*), and Hardi (I've heard him on "Speak-Out" too sometimes, but last night was the very first time I'd really met him in person). How was the movie? Hmm, there are actually lots I'd like to say about "Spiderman 3". Cinematographically, I really enjoyed it.:D I love the cool special-effects, from Spidey's acrobatic movements (very smooth!:P) and the villains too (I love Sandman and Venom!) The fighting / action scenes were also my favourite parts of the movie. Quite intense.:D The flow of the script was the major problem so far.:| Tad slow and too much unimportant details. The extra melodramatic scenes were rather too much and quite disturbing. Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) looked a bit like Jared Leto with his band (Nine Seconds to Mars??) in one of the scenes.*big evil grin* Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) looked mostly exhausted, compared to that pretty blonde who played Gwen Stacy. Edward Brock Jr. (Topher Grace) made me want to giggle all the time he showed up, because he wasn't all that scary and mean-looking.:P Just silly and mostly amusing.*giggles* And when I looked at Harry Osbourne (James Franco) talking to his dad's butler, I suddenly thought of...Master Bruce Wayne.*big evil grin* But the head chief editor of "Daily Bugle" seriously cracked me up! LOL!! Overall, the script could've been shortened. I thought the story-telling might've been more effective that way. After the movie, it was already...11:30!:O Yup, it was close to midnight. Thankfully, my brother had agreed to pick me up. Patrick and everybody had been kind enough to wait with me at the pick-up point until my brother showed up, so I wouldn't have had to be alone.:) Thank you all. And how am I doing today? *yawns* The Sleepy Author

AN EXHAUSTING SUNDAY :P
I know I just missed "Speak-Out's Off-Air Gathering" this afternoon because of work, but at least I'm going to go to see "Spiderman 3" with Kristie and friends tomorrow night at Blitz Megaplex, near Hotel Indonesia (well, that building used to be, anyway) at nine.:D ALRIGHT! My brother's already watched it with his best friend / bandmate Ari and their friends too. (And I'd asked him: "No spoilers, please!":P) Now I'm curious to watch it myself.:D Plus, I need to take my mind off of work and..."other" issues as well.:| Tiger...*sighs* what should I do with him? That poor guy is still in so much pain. (And I know how unnecessary this is, but I'll say it again anyway.:( I hate that bitch for hurting him so much. Oh, God.:'-( This silent anger is slowly eating me up from the inside again.) Please, take care of him for me, God. I'm well aware that praying is the only thing that I can really do these days.:( The rest is always up to You. "And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind. Everybody seems to be getting what they need. Where's mine? 'Cause you're what I need so very and I'm anything but ordinary... Can you save me from this world of mine before I get myself arrested with these expectations?" Okay, I'll focus more on waiting for "Spiderman 3".:P The Author

WHAT (AND WHOM) I'M MISSING...:(
Last night, I'd wanted to post an entry here.:P I was also chatting with Tiger (I can do both pretty good at the same time ;D), when the electricity in the cybercafe --- about a block from where I work --- suddenly went out. Aaargh!:x I'd had to wait for at least ten minutes before it came back on. Then, I had to wait for another five for complete reconnection.:( Great.*rolls eyes* When it finally got connected, I'd already lost my mood to re-post my entry.:( But I still wanted to chat with Tiger. Hehe.*big evil grin* You can't really blame a girl like me to feel this way for him.*giggles* Real great guys are rare (and almost impossible to find) these days.:P No offense, gentlemen. It's not that I accuse most of your kind as plain jerks (but unfortunately I've already seen too many!:|) *deep sigh* Still, I know damn well that I must prepare myself for the worst possibilities.:| (Yikes, hopefully none of that should ever have to happen, though. Nooo!:'-|) But in the meantime, I think I'll just enjoy the moment while it (still) lasts.:P Carpe diem. Que sera sera, whatever will be... *giggles* Alright, enough rambling. If I'd like to be extreme like I usually was back then, I'd say that I am not going to commit suicide or simply die just because --- or if --- he doesn't really feel the same way about me as much as I truly do about him, always have and always will.*scoffs* What doesn't kill me will definitely make me stronger, right?*sneers* Hell, yeah! I'm survivor. Okay, that was just my stark bitterness talking.*raises my eyebrow* But still, I want to keep our friendship, no matter what may happen ahead.:| That way, I won't have to lose him completely. I never want to. Tiger just means a whole lot to me. I love him...:( Okay, this is Saturday night --- and I'm not going to make myself feel way too sad about this.*scoffs* Ugh.*rolls eyes* ......................... I'm also sad about another thing too today, but I must not allow it to affect my professionalism at work tomorrow.:( This week will be the first time I (have to) miss the usual Sunny Sunday at Jelambar tomorrow. Yup, it's the off-air gathering for the radio announcers and listeners of "Speak-Out". Somebody's already reserved the restaurant for twenty-five people at ten in the morning. I know that the gathering always starts at one in the afternoon at Surya Pemandu School, but I'm not sure just how long I'll have to get myself literally stuck at work before the guests will have finished eating and hanging out.:P Since Jelambar's in West Jakarta and I work (and live) in the South, it usually takes about a couple of hours and two Trans-Jakarta bus rides just to get me there. I'm not sure I'll be able to catch them all on time --- or even at all. And yeah, I know the restaurant belongs to my own family, but a job is still a job. I must be responsible too. :'-(... *deep sigh* Oh, well. It's not that I'm not grateful for more costumers (and money too!*big evil grin*) It's just...I attend the gathering as regularly as possible for my boredom-killer and stress-reliever. It's just like when I regularly listen to their show on the radio during my night-shifts. Call it my free, informal therapy session.:P Besides, I've already made good friends there and I'm always happy around them all.:) Patrick, Andy, Kristin, Kristie, Mary Jo, Dian, Hani, and more... We can't always win it all, can we?*shrugs* I must remain responsible. That's what all sensible grown-ups do, right? The Blue Author

SHOULD I STAY?:'-(
"Here I am, waiting for a sign. I never seem to know if you want me in your life. Where do I stand? I just don't know. I never feel I know you 'cause you blow hot and you blow cold." I'm confused.:( I'm into a tailspin again. Have I somehow misread the signs? Have I been stupid and blind? I've known him. Three years of great friendship is enough, I believe. (Or maybe I'm still just plain naive.:|) I'm happier when he's happy. I'm miserable when he's sad. You might think I'm crazy, but I think I've found...one of my soulmates.:P Hehe. I often can sense his moods, even before he lets me know how he's doing. He often can tell if I'm lying to him or hiding something from him. What else is there to say? But, is it enough?:( Will we ever be (more than just best friends, that is), or must I give up completely and then learn to face reality? What makes them all think this is easy for me? It takes time. I know it's been harder on him too. My dearest God, look what she's done to him.:'-( I can't forgive her for that. I'm afraid never. He's still in so much pain... "It seems I've grown attached, 'though we're not the perfect match. I just can't explain..." If not all soulmates end up as couples, then why is it so damn hard for me to just let him go and remain only friends for life? Believe me, I've tried --- too many times already...:'-( "Should I stay? Should I go? Could I ever really stand to let you go? Can you now find the right words to say that maybe I'm getting in your way?" It's like having one foot already out the door and another still inside this place. It's the comfort, yet also ironic zone.:( Which must I choose? Will one really hurt me less than the other? Will it ever be that possible? Does being a realist mean you have to give up your dreams --- no matter how sweet they can be? I know he's confused as well.:( I notice that whenever we talk these days. There are times when he's just being really...affectionate.:) (And I'd be a total hypocrite to you if I didn't admit that I actually enjoyed it.:P) "I feel your warmth, got me wanting more. You've left the door half-open I'm in two minds to explore. But then again, am I being honest, being truthful to myself? Can I see my life without you? Could I be with someone else?" But then, there are also times when he just suddenly sort of pulls away, reminding me that he's still in his...healing process.:( I can totally understand that, but why do I still find myself feeling rather...annoyed? God, I seriously hate myself for feeling that way.*blushes* And I'm not that easy.:| It'll always take some time for me to fall for a guy. Look at me. I'm such a complete wreck now (although I don't dare let Tiger know this.:|) "Should I stay? Should I go? I really think it's time that you should let me know. Can you not find the right words to say that maybe I'm getting in your way?" God, why did he have to say he had feelings for me too, after the awful break-up?:( And why did I have to hear that? *deep sigh* Sometime ago, I've already mentioned the effect of too much alcohol.:( It'll show too much honesty, and --- sometimes --- some things are much better left unsaid if you're not ready to face the consequences. It hurts even more...:'-( I love you, Tiger.:'-( Always have and always will. I know reality's such an annoying bitch these days. I know we're still best friends (and hopefully we'll get to stay that way for the rest of our lives, no matter what.:D) I know we truly care about and never want to hurt each other. For that, I am forever grateful.:) In fact, I thank God every single day of my life that I've met you. No regrets, because to me --- you're priceless. I've mostly been a vengeful bitch all my life, but you've taught me --- indirectly --- how to forgive other people.:) You've always been so strong, more than anyone can ever imagine. But I'm well-aware that even strong people have their limits too.:| I know I can't take care of you all the time like I always want to, so I hope our God will watch over you for me. "I'm sorry for having disappointed you countless times...:(" Ssshh, don't worry about that, Tiger.:) You're always forgiven. I'm not mad at you. I can never hate you. Even if I'm still disappointed now, it's mostly with myself these days.:'-( Still, I pray that we both will survive from any of this and remain friends forever... The Author

EMOTIONALLY...FLAT :P
Yesterday, I was quite surprised to receive a call from Hardrock FM.:O They said I'd won a CD for some contest a few days back or so. (??) And I finally got it after I'd paid a visit to their radio station just this morning.:) It's Anggun's "Luminescence - Special Edition". I truly admire her. She's an Indonesian singer, but internationally successful.:D *sighs* I want to be successful too someday soon.:| One step at a time, right? I also want to travel the world.:) Will I ever get to do that before I die? I hope I'm not just another poor idealist with expensive dreams...:( Well, at least I'm quite grateful about...Tiger.:) I know he's still upset about her, but he said he was thankful that I've always been a supportive best friend.*blushes* Well, in order to stay modest, I'll just say I've tried my best --- all that I ever could.*shrugs* But I also reminded him not to let his grades slip because of this...this turmoil.:| I miss college. I wish I could study abroad too (especially after receiving a rejection letter from Singaporean Embassy.:|) Tiger's still so damn lucky, you know? I've also visited several magazine's booths today to check if SPICE!'s latest issue is already out. *scoffs* They're always late. But, why do I still want to wait for them? One, I love the contents. Two, they've already published my writings twice --- so I still kind of hope for the third time (and more).:P I mean, it's not easy being a freelance writer and (still) working a minimum wage every month. *huffs* The Author

SUNDAY TO MONDAY
I hate sexist comments.:x Have I already told you that many times before? Do you want to know just how much? *deep sigh* Alright, I'm sorry that I started this entry with a little bit of anger I still have here.:| (Wait, why do I need to do that anyway?:P I can write just about anything that I really want in here. It's mine!*scoffs*) But, I can't help but still remembering what happened at Blok M's bus station last Sunday.*rolls eyes* Others might've possibly thought: "What's the big deal?" But to me, it was personally aggravating and insulting. You see, I was on the way to Monas (Monumen Nasional --- The National Monument) to meet Kristie, Kristin, Mary Jo, and some of the other friends there that day for a picnic.:D I stood in line --- among the crowd --- to wait for a Trans-Jakarta bus to come and pick us up. However, when it came, the driver had somehow almost missed the stop and had to back off a little. I heard groans from the crowd. Okay, that was a pretty normal reaction. But suddenly, one guy near me rudely commented: "That must be a female driver. No wonder..." ):-(... "Well, maybe it's a guy who just started his first day as a bus driver," I shot back sarcastically, glaring really hard at him. The guy must've been freaked out by my scathing reply, because he just said nothing more and pretended that I wasn't there at all. *scoffs* Fine.*rolls eyes* Just watch your stupid mouth, Mister. Don't aggravate me. By the time I got into the bus, I noticed that...it was a MALE driver!*big evil grin* Ha, take that! But of course, it was just no bloody use to go after that arrogant jerk and show him that. That would be a total waste of time. Ugh.*rolls eyes* Still, I hate that.:( Why do guys like that (have to) exist? *sighs* Anyway, I was glad when I finally met Hani at Monas.:D She made me smile again. She kindly lent me her three precious books. (I'm still reading "Kali Mati" by.Joni Ariadinata --- an interesting anthology of short stories.) Then we finally met Kristie, Kristin, Mary Jo, their students Chiko and friends, Rachmat, Janna, and Dian.:D It was a great picnic.:) We had fun. We even attracted other visitors by acting crazily while playing games and singing and dancing. *giggles* But we just didn't care that much, because we were having a good time. The scorching sun was quite tormenting, but other than that --- no biggie. After that, we parted. I hung out with Dian and Hani for a late lunch.:) Those two girls are also amazing. After lunch, the three of us parted and I hopped on to another Trans-Jakarta bus back to Blok M. On Monday night, we'd actually planned to play bowling at Plaza Senayan at eight pm. Unfortunately, the bowling place was very crowded.:( I ended up hanging out with Mary Jo at Starbucks in Senayan City until ten.:) The Author

A DINNER AND A POOL EXPERIENCE :)
I didn't feel like talking to Tiger online last night, so I decided to hang out with my friends from around West Jakarta.:) Well, it was also because I didn't know what I'd say if he and I met online again.:| There's still this unfinished discussion nagging in the back of my mind, and I'm not sure if I can keep it any longer.*sighs* Maybe later, if I get lucky.) At 4:30 pm, I took off from work to Blok M's bus station. Actually, using the first Trans-Jakarta bus to Harmoni was never a problem to me.:) But the second one to Jelambar was quite frustrating.:( Why? Lots of people were very impatient to even stand in queueing (sp?) line and just calmly wait for the bus. Instead, they kept pushing and shoving forward. Ugh!*rolls eyes* Some even dared cutting in. Grrrh!:x "Hey, stop pushing! I almost fell!" yelled an angry girl to a sloppy-looking guy a couple of rows behind her. His reaction was obviously defensive --- in a more arrogant manner. "What? I didn't do anything!" Yes, you did. I saw.:( I wished I'd had blazing eyes that could've burned his back, or perhaps I could've pushed him to the river below the bridge. But I knew better not to.*big evil grin* I was relieved by the time I got into the bus and even more relieved when I finally arrived at Jelambar.:) Phew! It was already after six, so I quickly made my way to Ciputra Mall. Remembering how I'd gotten my wallet stolen last week, I hugged my red bag protectively through the crowd outside. Just when I was feeling all relieved, I saw a lady rush to a security guard behind his desk to report for her stolen cellphone.:( And I still feel sorry for her...:( I met Janna in front of Starbuck's. Then we just stood there with our backs against the wall, chatting while waiting for the others to show up. After Kristie and Mary Jo finally turned up, we went to have dinner at "Noodle Cafe". Kristie ordered honey-sauced chicken with noodles and iced-lemon tea. Mary Jo and I ordered the same stir-fried rice noodles with chicken, but she picked iced-lemon tea as well while I preferred mineral water. Janna only had hot chocolate. Andy caught up with us at the cafe, but he didn't order anything. After dinner, the five of us went to play pool. At first, I kind of dreaded it.:-S I told Andy, "I suck at this game." "Well, I know that I'm not that good either. Relax." Oh, really?:P He played well, like he already knew what he was doing. But he was right about one thing, though. Soon as I relaxed, I began to enjoy the game even more.:) I finally got the hang of it. Well, at least bit by bit. Andy's friend Lydia joined us in the middle of the game. Then, sometime after eight, Patrick and Kristin joined us as well.:D They said they missed their usual First Caller on the show.*giggles* Too bad I couldn't stay long.:( I had to catch the last bus home at nine. Patrick had looked confused at first when I said, "I'll be off at nine." "Huh??" When he finally caught it, he laughed. "Oh, you mean you'll be leaving at nine. That sounds so British!" Really?*giggles* Then Patrick and Andy poked at my arms playfully, as if I were a table lamp and they were looking for a switch. LOL!!:P What a pair of total clowns! Funny. The Author

INTO THE UNKNOWN
It's been quite a busy, rather hectic weekend than usual. I've been trying to juggle lots of things in my only two hands (and one head!:P) these days. They say any woman in the world is naturally capable of...multi-tasking.*big evil grin* And I seriously hope that I'm not doing too bad of a job here.*giggles* Work's been rather crazy lately.:P I could barely get out and do other --- more fun --- stuff on Saturday. Chenny had asked me to go see a movie with her and Kristin at Mall Taman Anggrek, West Jakarta. But I was really stuck at work. At least I was happy enough that we had lots of costumers coming to the restaurant and complimenting our food --- until last night.:) I hope it'll stay that way everyday. We need the money. I haven't had the chance to deal with my lost ID and ATM cards...yet.:( I know, I must work on that real quickly (but at least the damn thief wouldn't be able to take anything from my account, because I don't have that much money left in there anymore.*big evil grin*) I must really do that soon tomorrow.:| The sooner the better. This is such a drag.*rolls eyes* Yesterday morning, I had to deal with yet another most aggravating situation again.:x You see, my sister's boyfriend Gatot was sleeping over again at Panglima Polim --- with The Almost Twins in their room upstairs. He'd parked his gray scooter in the driveway. That morning, he was still upstairs --- watching DVD with The Almost Twins. The next thing I saw, Dear Brother suddenly showed up with his scooter keys. Then, to my surprise and dismay, Dad willingly moved his darn scooter to the front porch... :O... *rolls eyes* What the hell... ......................... *deep sigh* Oh, well. Whatever.*shrugs* Just as long as he won't have enough guts in the world to start treating me like one of his fucking slaves!:x But still, how dare he treat all my family members like that. I hate him. I also hate myself even more for feeling this helpless. I'm all alone here, remember?:'-( He's turned my home and working place into a freaking Twilight Zone --- whenever he's around. And I will never ever forget that.:x Ever. Just wait until I become richer and more successful. Wait until I get my own place to live. After that, I'll only help my parents and brother. I'm sorry for sounding like a mean, vengeful bitch here.:( But enough is enough! No more, please. I've had it with this! If only Gatot knew where he still stood and weren't being this ignorant and insolent, then you have my word that I wouldn't resent him this much.:| If only The Princess Brat weren't too used to being spoiled so much...:( If only Mom weren't playing favourites like she obviously is now... *sighs* Of course, the only person who truly understands my feelings these days is...Menti. (Too bad I also can't rely on Dad and my brother about this.:( Dad is hopelessly ignorant, while Dear Brother is too much of a sweetheart these days to face any conflict. Or maybe I'm just being overly protective of him again.:|) When I told Menti about what had happened, she just shook her head in dismay --- telling me: "That was uncalled for." Yeah.:| I totally agree. On a much lighter note: I've just done something seriously new and surprising (especially more to myself, actually:P) with my creativity in my writing. You see, last week --- my older cousin Reza (who's still a senior college student) asked me to help him on one of his college assignments. He's been working on a sampling, adult magazine --- and he needed a fiction. Most of the time, I write poetry and short-stories about innocently teenage love (yeah, I know just how 'maudlin' they can really be *rolls eyes*) or something dark and heavy...like mystery. However, Reza asked me to write something a bit more...erotic. *blushes* "Uh, you're talking to a girl who still has no idea --- " and no experience yet, I added silently " --- about any of that." "Hey, you're the creative writer here.I'm sure you can come up with something. Two weeks. Thanks." *gulps* Two weeks??:O Then I remember a local author named Herlinatiens, with her debut novel "Garis Tepi Seorang Lesbian" (The Corner Line of a Lesbian). She's absolutely straight, but she's done a lot of research on that. In the end, I could come up with something and finally finished a decent piece last night. (How 'decent'??:P Don't ask!*big evil grin*) Reza took it and just gave me a light kiss on my forehead before he left.*shrugs* And no, I'm not going to show you what I wrote for his project.:P No way! I am not going to let you know the pervert side of me, thank you very much.*big evil grin* *giggles* ......................... I'm thinking about Tiger.:| I am missing him very much. There's still this sad little fact that lies within us. And I can't lie anymore. I still love him.:'-( Always have and always will, I'm afraid. I can't pretend that I'll be okay without him like I did before. Not this time and not anymore. I'm sorry. I'm just not that strong. "I'm against myself again, trying to fit these pieces in, walking on a could of dust to get to you..." I can tell that Tiger is still confused too.:( He's admitted that he has feelings for me too, but he's...afraid. He's been badly hurt by his bitch of an ex-girlfriend.*rolls eyes* I can understand his fears, but...it still hurts me.:'-( I don't want to lose Tiger to another girl or else anymore. I'm scared. My friends say I shouldn't give up on him that easy if I still love him this much. My family say I'm being unrealistic. So, which will it be?:( Should I fight to win the broken heart of someone I've always loved, or just give up with this harsh reality --- try to move on and pretend to love another? I don't know.:'-( I really don't... The Clueless Author

FOR THE (BROKEN AND TWISTED) CINDERELLA
"I can say my name, I'll tell you where I am. I want to blow myself away, don't know if I can. I wish that I could be in some other time and place, with someone else's soul, someone else's face." ("SOMEDAY I'LL BE SATURDAY NIGHT" by.Bon Jovi) "I'm famous for my generosity They say I am the kindest It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love..." ("DARKNESS" by.Darren Hayes) "It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly. It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me Leave me alone!" ("ADDICTED" by.Kelly Clarkson) Cinderella, it's time for you to wake up from your empty dreams in your sleep. Open your eyes, dear. Don't waste more of your precious time just weeping here. It's just reality. You and I both know that we can't always win. In fact, we often lose more. No matter how hard we try, it's always about luck. In the end, we can only wonder if it's really worth it --- or even if we truly deserve any of this. You wonder why your sister is getting all the love and admiration...at home or anywhere else. You've done all you already could, but that's just never enough. You still can't impress them the way she does. Well, just leave it be. Just make sure you don't starve for recognition the way she does. Stick to yourself. You're still independent enough, at least, eventhough lonely. Be proud of yourself. You work hard everyday --- even just to earn little money that you've got. Then one day, you suddenly have that taken away from you --- just like that. Desperate people take desperate actions, remember? It's good to know that you're still strong enough to move on. Don't ever be a weakling. But still, I can understand that it's very difficult for you to take this and try to move on. I know it's the hardest. Your prince of dreams tell you what a great friend you are.:) You've always been there for him. Too bad he can't always do the same. You still have that faint little hope inside of you, though, that things might possibly work out between you and him someday. However, he thinks differently. He still cares a lot about you, though. He believes you deserve someone else much better than him --- not him. And these days, you can only hate yourself for having that evil witch cause him so much pain with her after-spell. You hate yourself even more...for always loving him this much...:'-( And you wonder if being a good, reliable person is still really worth it anymore. Because in reality, being way too nice makes them take you for granted. Right?? The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY AND A FORSAKEN MONDAY
What did I do last weekend when I had so many things burdening my head?:P I'd almost not shown up for another "Speak-Out's Gathering" last Sunday. My cousin was having his engagement party in Bandung. But at the very last minute (which was last Friday), Mom said it was okay for me not to go.:P YAY! (Sorry, cousin Aditya!*giggles and blushes*) Dad was indecisive, as always.:| So, it was only Mom and The Almost Twins who had gone to Bandung since last Friday until Sunday. On Saturday, I had a quiet, boring day at work.:| Menti and her family were going to Bandung too.*yawns* I'd asked my pal Ki --- via text-message --- to come with me to the gathering. He'd agreed.:D Dian and Hani had also texted my cellphone, asking me to meet them earlier by Jelambar's busway bridge before heading to Surya Pemandu School together. On Sunday morning, I got a text message from Ki, saying he was sorry that he couldn't come --- because he had to take his ailing mother to the hospital. Aww!:( His mother was having a heart problem. I replied, wishing his mother to get better soon and assuring him it was okay. I took off to Blok M's bus station at ten, as usual. Taking two Trans-Jakarta buses to Harmoni and then to Jelambar had already been quite habitual.:P But this time, I did not take off with an 'ojek' straight to Surya Pemandu by the time I got off the bridge. It was still 11:30, so I was much too early again.*giggles* So I randomly picked a 'warung' (food-stall) nearby for an early lunch. Another bowl of instant noodles and a glass of iced-tea again?:P Yup. I texted the girls' cellphones, telling them where I was --- in case they'd already shown up too and wanted to join me. At 11:50, I finished lunch and received a reply from Hani, asking me if I'd done eating.:P I rushed to meet the girls at a spot in front of the gas station. It turned out that Hani and Dian were already there --- also with Dian's friend Rina. After a brief introduction, the four of us went to do our afternoon prayer. Honestly, I was relieved when Hani suggested a 'musholla' in the gas station.:) After being harrassed by an obvious gazer in "Al-Amanah" four weeks back, I was still pretty traumatized. (Ugh, I always despise guys like that!:x*rolls eyes*) After praying, I suggested the girls to just go straight to SP, and they'd agreed.:) We'd run into Ari and Ami when we picked a 'bajaj', but those two girls had to pray first. Hani and I hopped into a 'bajaj', while Dian and Rina were in another. It was kind of scary when my 'bajaj' had bumped into a speeding motorcycle on the way.:O But luckily, there was no fight. The biker simply rushed off.(???) It was 12:30 by the time we stood in front of SP. Then we entered to find Patrick, Kristin, Kristie, and Mary Jo already in the usual hall. We surprised them!:D Not long after that, more people came. (But I'm not sure if my memory serves me well today.:P Yikes if this weren't in order and sorry if I accidentally left any name behind.*blushes*) Januar with his friend Ryan --- who ended up having to leave early. Ami and Ari of course.) Andy. Janna. Ali. Wina. As usual, it was a fun, typical sunny Sunday.:D There was this game when Pat made some of us --- Indonesian fellows --- stand in line (of a taped floor!) Then, when we were done --- Pat suddenly asked us to switch positions without having to step outside the line --- according to each of our birthday's order! It was hilarious! (LOL!!:D) It almost felt like "Twister", especially when Wina really did step on my feet (ouch!) But when we were done again, we giggled with relief.*sighs* "School yearbook picture!" I blurted out a joke, but Pat really took the idea and took our pictures.:P We even jumped in the same line, acting crazy for a snapshot.*giggles* The next game after that was "Steal The Treasure".:P The treasure-keeper had to be blindfolded and carry a ligthweight bat to hit at anybody who tried to steal the so-called treasure --- a set of keys under the throne. I'd thought it was more of an exercise to sharpen our sixth-sense.*big evil grin* Since Pat forgot to bring a suitable blindfold, we ended up using...my black bandanna.:P *giggles* Adam came in after our half-time of the gathering.:) He was with his beautiful wife Rebecca --- and the youngest and also the cutest participant of the day --- their three-month-and-a-half-old baby boy Keenan!:D Awww!:D Rebecca also brought us a box of...apple cake!:D (Yum-yum...one piece was just not enough! It was very delicious!:P*giggles*) I'd returned home with Hani after we said bye to the others. Dian and Rina headed to Ciputra Mall first. Inside a Trans-Jakarta bus to Harmoni, Hani and I chatted.:) Actually, she did most of the talking --- but I never minded. Hani's always been fun and cheerful. (or perhaps I'd just grown quiet after the gathering.:|) She's also thoughtful and caring --- even with and for total strangers.:D For example, that late afternoon --- we saw a worried mother thrusting a plastic bag in front of her little daughter's pale face as she threw up. Then Hani started rummaging through her bag and found a small, plastic vial of medicinal oil and told the lady she could use it for her little girl.:) Like I've told Patrick some time ago on the air: "Little things can mean big.":D As usual, Hani and I parted in Harmoni. I carried on to Blok M... My Monday morning was forsaken.:( I took a bus to work. By the time I got off and went to start my duties, I noticed that my bag was slightly unzipped. And my wallet was...gone.:'-( GRRRHHH!!!:x That's why I couldn't join Kristie and friends at Starbucks in Ciputra Mall that night.:'-( I hate this. And I just got back from the local police department today --- for a letter of notification. What a drag!*rolls eyes* The Author

THOUGHTS OF A SLEEPY GIRL...:|
Yesterday, my sister called my brother sometime in the late afternoon. As usual, she'd asked for a ride home from work.*rolls eyes* (Btw, is it rude enough if I say that Dear, Obedient Brother's mostly been The Princess Brat's personal chaffeaur?:P) Usually, Dear Brother is reluctant to say no, because --- well, he's always been a gentleman.:) (Thanks to Mom who's taught him well throughour the years, so he won't end up like...Dad.:|) But at that time, he said no. He had to pick up catering stuff at a client's. In the end, The Princess Brat had to use a taxi from work to the restaurant. Surprisingly, Mom always had money to pay for her needs.:| Does The Princess Brat take the bus too?:P The answer is...yes, but rarely. She uses The Trans-Jakarta bus to work and home. Other than that, she often hitches a ride on her friends' or co-workers' cars or takes the cab. More often...as already mentioned above, right in the first paragraph of this entry.*big evil grin* She's a so-called diva, remember?*sneers* She's everything that I am not. And of course, I'll never be her in return. Thank God for that! Come to think of it, there have been certain signs that showed our differences --- since we were kids. For example, our first day in...nursery school (did that really count?) Mom has told this tale a million times already, so I can remember it very well.*big evil grin* My sister had cried, asking Mom not to leave her at her new school.:P It had taken a week for her to finally get used to her new school without having Mom wait for her. Me?:P Mom said I'd just walked briskly to my new classroom without turning my head around or crying. Assuming I'd be okay, Mom went to work. But hours later, the teacher called her in the office to inform her that...I'd thrown up on my new desk. The next day and after? No problem.*shrugs* *giggles* Okay, okay.:P I know that's not something to really be proud of, but that's not the point here. I'm sure you can tell what I mean.;) *sighs* Alright, enough walking down on memory lane. It's time to return to reality.:P Just this morning, a guy behind the cellphone counter about two houses from where I work told me that he'd noticed that somehow...I'd seemed to have lost more weight.*giggles* (No wonder, since I often frequent that place to get my cellphone re-activated.:P) Just when I smiled politely at him and thought: "Really?", he suddenly mentioned that I'd also seemed to be losing sleep for days. *gulps* No, I didn't snap at him or anything else like that. Don't worry.*giggles* But when I checked myself in the mirror, black circles were surrounding my eyes. Trust me, I don't need an eyeliner anymore. I need a concealer.:( Too bad it's expensive. I'm not really into make-up that much, anyway.:P Heck, I'm a tomboy!*big evil grin* Still, if it had been another girl noticing it, I'd have been okay.:| But if it's a guy (even some random dude you classify as a stranger on the street :P), that can only mean trouble. ......................... Wait. Wait. WAIT!:x Why am I suddenly being this self-conscious?:P *rolls eyes* Anyway, my brother's two best friends Ari and Indie (a couple now :P) came to the restaurant last night. Indie works as a journalist for...Playboy Indonesia. (It's still tough, even after the controversy caused by some highly extreme, political --- and also religious --- parties wanting that OUT of my country for good.:| Hypocrites.*rolls eyes*) She said I could try sending my short-stories for their fiction page, since she also knows I love writing very much. (Hmm, another challenge.*big evil grin*) She even gave me their January edition for free.:) And I've just read it.:P It's pretty cool. I don't see any serious problem in it. (Or maybe it's because I am just an ordinary, 100% straight woman --- so I am not intrigued by the pictures.:P) The models are still properly dressed. No pornography, so what's the fuss?*rolls eyes* Btw, I'd almost done something seriously stupid when I talked to Tiger again last night.*blushes* Come to think of it, I am still awfully embarrassed. When he mentioned about his ex again, I couldn't suppress...my jealousy.:( I'd almost lost it, especially when he still unconsciously called me, "Sis." Sis. As in "sister". I know, I'm not supposed to be hoping for way too much.:( I mean, back then --- I didn't really mind him calling me that. (After all, we've been best friends, remember?:D) But now, it felt like: "Hey, what happened to his last confession about his real feelings for me? Was it just a mistake?" Confusing.:-S "I didn't know it would affect you this much.:) Don't worry, I won't mention her again." Shit. I'd tried to pretend I was okay with that (God, this game is getting way too old here.:|) Especially when he admitted that yes, he still thought of her sometimes. He couldn't help it. It was a 2.5 year relationship, okay? Besides, he said he'd completely heal someday. Soon, hopefully...:'-( I logged off after saying goodbye to him and...cried myself to sleep again.:'-(*blushes* God, I still love him. Why couldn't I control myself? Why didn't I?? This morning, I woke up early and logged on again. I'd just left Tiger an offline apology message, claiming my exhaustion from work as the cause for my cryptic responses --- when he suddenly came online again.:D He said it was okay. Then we talked again. He told me about how he was so relieved that it was finally over, because that silly bitch had somehow terrorized him on the phone --- along with her new boyfriend there. (Duh, what for?*rolls eyes*) Good.:| I'm glad. "I can't name just how many times I've already disappointed you.:(" That's already forgiven.:) Because you know why? I love you. The Author

A (TWISTED) CINDERELLA'S TALE...:P
There are so many things I've been wanting to write in here lately. Hmm, I'm not really sure where to start, but --- I'll try to make a sensible recap of all: I still haven't had the chance to send my CV to Dastan Books via e-mail attachment yet.:( Things have been quite hectic at work lately. It's good that we've gotten more and more catering orders in the morning.:) I'm exhausted now.:P I still need to seriously catch up with more writing contests as well. I know I must find some quality time with myself more --- the peace and quiet kind of thing. My brain is not working properly for such favourite hobby. I need more money. *deep sigh* Menti told me something very surprising just a few days back.:| Since Gatot's been already introduced to most of my maternal family members, so Mom's other two sisters Aunt Yanti (who lives in Bandung with her only son Aditya) and Aunt Ria know him. However, this is what they've really thought of...Mom and The Golden, Leechy Couple when they talked to Menti the last time: 1.Aunt Ria was quite shocked to see that Mom has totally changed! (Gee, should I thank God now that other people have finally started to notice that too?*rolls eyes*) She'd genuinely wondered aloud to Menti: "Is Indira always being spoiled like that? And, how come Gatot's wishes are always granted so easily?" 2.Besides Menti, Aunt Yanti used to be Mom's other closest sister as well.:| She's mostly been the quietest in the family, and she's not really into gossiping. So, I could tell that Aunt Yanti wasn't making that up when she'd told Menti that she kind of...disliked Gatot. She thought he was being rather...impolite with her. ......................... Of course, how do you save a weakling queen from being under this...this spell? And, does every 'Cinderella' in the world get to have their 'happy-endings' too --- even without stupid glass shoes and a prince charming coming to the rescue? I am not kidding myself here, people. I know damn well that life is not a fairy-tale at all.:P Nice guys finish last. Bad guys win more often. Good girls are (considered) the bottom of the priorities. Bitches get more attention, because --- somehow --- they manage to look better on the outside. *sneers* Isn't it just the way of the real world here, dears? It's all about luck. You just do what's more necessary to get by. It's survival of the fittest. *sighs* Okay, okay. Enough bitterness already. It's not fucking use anymore. When Menti told her other two sisters about one incident that had made me cry and think that Mom was being so unfair, both Aunt Ria and Aunt Yanti had felt sorry for me.:'-( Of course, how come they wouldn't have? "Please, don't cry." I'd looked up at Menti and quickly dabbed my eyes.:( I hate crying in front of other people. (Many times I've already bragged that it's not (supposed to be) a tomboy's thing.:P*big evil grin*) Dad believes it's a sign of weakness.:( But I just couldn't hold back the tears at that time. It hurt (and still does, come to think of it). Thank God she and I were alone. The next thing I knew, I opened up to her about...the blue swellings on my arms.:| She'd simply revealed her permanent marks on hers --- and then asked me to stop doing that. "It's dangerous." I know.:( *huffs* Now, it's about Tiger. Last week, I'd been feeling so relieved that the restaurant had closed early.:P Catering orders had totally drained everybody's strength, including my own. However, I was still strong enough to visit a cybercafe and just log on. And I'd chatted with him online...for over an hour. It turned out that he was still completely shattered.:( He'd just found out that his ex simply told him she was dating another guy back home and thought that she was in love with him. It was just like that. So quick and easy, as if their two-and-a-half-year, long-distant relationship just never really mattered.:x :'-(... Thank God they've already broken up. I hope they're never going back together again.:x Enough is enough! She's badly hurt my best friend, an incredibly great guy I also truly love. No more, please. "I've been such an idiot.:'-(" "No, it's not you.:'-( It's her. She has no idea that a guy like you can make a sensible girl in the world feel lucky, because once you love...you're treating her like a princess." And I hate her for hurting him over and over again.:( I'm sorry, people. I can't help it. I love him. "You've always been there for me. Why didn't I ever go for a girl like you?" Huh??:O *deep sigh* Okay, okay, calm down, people. I know you might wonder about my very first reaction when I finally discovered this: Tiger's begun to have more feelings...for me.:| He'd admitted that. Romantic ones. Did I jump for joy? Did I cry?? Both, perhaps??? I cried.:'-( Not only from this little miracle of joy, but also the sadness it has somehow caused. Why does he and I have to be so far away from each other? I love him. I still do...so much. It hurts. And I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to ever have to let him go or lose him to another girl again. But I'm also afraid. So is he. The distance is tormenting. He can't promise me anything right now and I understand that. He's still in his healing process. He doesn't want to hurt me by making me a rebound girl or something else like that, and I don't want that either. But when he asked me to promise him that I would not hold back from another guy who might've had interests in me and there'd possibly have been a future for us, I never answered that. No, I couldn't. I still can't. I'm afraid never...:'-( *sighs* Anyway, Tiger's doing a lot better now.:) I'm glad. But still, we haven't really talked about that again...yet. To be honest, I'm still confused. And scared.*blushes* "Don't pretend you'll be okay without him like you did back then, girl," Ki had suggested the last time we met. "It's obvious. I don't want you to fall apart again, so be careful what you wish for." Great.:| Now, what am I supposed to do? Where do we (have to) go from here? The (Twisted) Cinderella

A SATURDAY DINNER :)
Yesterday, I went out with Kristin, Patrick, and their friends --- taking my pal Ki with me.:) I realised that I'd been working awfully hard lately. I need to cut some slack just for once in a while and get myself back together. At three pm, I'd already prepared myself and waited for Ki, Pat and Kris at the restaurant where I work. However, things started a little bad for a while. It was difficult for Pat and Kris to find my working place, so they stopped at Blok M Plaza and asked me to meet them there. Poor Ki also got stuck on the way.:( His uncle's car had suddenly broken down, so he had to take a 'bajaj' to meet me first. That's why we were terribly late to catch up with Pat and Kris at Blok M Plaza. Thank God they forgave us.:) First destination: Kemang. The four of us took a taxi to a cafe named "ke:kun" and hung out there for a while, drinking and chatting. (Honestly, I was relieved and happy to see the three of them got along well!:D) I've also missed this kind of moment: just hanging out with friends without any worry in the world. Second destination: Tomodachi Cafe. But four of us headed first to Pondok Indah Mall with another cab, because Andy and the others had been waiting for us in his Honda --- under the bridge. Patrick asked the cab driver to follow Andy. By the time we reached Tomodachi Cafe, the sky had turned dark. It was dinner-time!:D Andy got out of his car with the others: Mary Jo, Kristie (who's been back from The States since last week!:D), Mila (a shy, quiet girl I'd already met once at "Speak-Out's Gathering" last month), and Laura (a tall, elegant blonde in black). Dinner was fun.:D We ate and talked and sometimes giggled. I'd ordered a glass of iced-lemon tea and ghoulash soup. It was delicious, although Ki --- who had tasted it a bit --- thought it was rather too salty. ("The soup is too salty," said Zang Zhiyi in that credit card commercial.*giggles*) It was said in the menu: "...Hungarian food..." Wow!:D I still wonder about the bread bowl, though. How on earth do they make that without getting leaks from the hot soup inside? It's amazing. And to me, the soup kind of tasted like...Indian's curry. Yum!:P There were two funny things that happened yesterday: 1.Patrick said that I'd sounded like an Australian when I said: "Last Tuesday."*giggles* He even thought that Ki and I sounded almost alike whenever we spoke in English! 2.When Mila first saw Ki with me, she'd thought that...Ki was my boyfriend!:P LOL!! If only she knew...*big evil grin* After dinner, we parted. Patrick and friends were heading back home to catch up with "American Idol" on TV.:) Ki walked me back to the restaurant. I wasn't surprised that he'd made an amazing first impression with Kristin and Patrick. After all, I've known him as a brilliant guy!:D The Happy Author

WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD?
The good news: I forgot to tell you that --- after the gathering last Sunday --- I talked to Tiger again online at night.:D "Hey, how are you doing?:)" "I'm fine.:) Relieved...thank God." "Great!:D" Oh, thank You, God.:'-) Thank You sooo much! "I've got a good news for you!:D" I froze with worry.:| My heart started racing wildly. I had heard him say that many times before, so I clicked on another window while waiting for him to deliver it. Honestly, I was rather scared. Please, don't tell me you're getting back with her again.:( Oh, please. God, no. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want her to win him back again. No. She's already done enough. He deserves better. Oh, please...:'-( When he finally answered, I'd had to hold my breath as I clicked back to read it: "Metallica's going to perform on July 8th...here in Wembley!!:D" *deep sigh* Phew! What a relief. I am sooo glad!*giggles* He's a die-hard fan of Metallica, btw --- so I am happy that he's planning to watch them there. We'd only talked for a while, and he said this when I'd told him I had to leave: "Don't worry, whatever happens --- you'll always have a place in Tiger's heart.;)" Awww!!:D Alright, I know it may not mean anything 'specific' (or perhaps it was probably only a sign of his 'brotherly-love'.:P) But still, it made me feel happy.:) I'd almost thought I'd have melted like jelly.*giggles* The bad news: I hate lying to Mom.:( I told her Menti hadn't paid me my salary yet for this month. Sorry, I have no choice these days. I've already lost my trust in her. It is sad but true. Because the thing is, whenever The Princess Brat wants more money or anything, Mom will always make sure she gets it --- even by sacrificing other people's interests, like Menti's money or my already minimum wage.*scoffs* Well, there's nothing new with that.*rolls eyes* Besides, Mom didn't even care about how I'd gotten to Ciputra Mall in West Jakarta and back last Monday night.:| I know, I've always been proud of my own independence --- including my courage and ability to survive a night out on my own. Trust me, not many girls I know (especially in Jakarta) are brave enough to (have to) do just what I do. No, I am not bragging about it. I am also not trying to prove anything here. Like I've said earlier, I have no choice these days, okay?:x I am all alone here. Nobody stands up for me. But still, it would've been nice if she'd asked whether I might've needed a lift or even if I'd been okay.:( Even when Mom believes that I can take care of myself out there... *deep sigh* Yesterday, I'd just found out from Menti the reason why The Princess Brat needed an early ride from her office.:| You see, The Princess Brat had asked my brother to pick her up in the daytime --- only to drive her to a cellphone company and then back to her office again. Of course, my sweethearted brother was always obedient. Mom was with him too. Later after that, the poor exhausted guy told Menti this: The Princess Brat had paid for...Gatot's cellphone bills.:( And Mom had somehow agreed. ......................... WTF?!:x WE'RE ALREADY FUCKING BROKE HERE, GODDAMN IT! WHAT MAKES THAT STUCK-UP ASSHOLE SO FUCKING SPECIAL?! THIS IS SOOO UNFAIR!! I HATE THIS!!! STUPID BITCH!!! (Sorry, I still can't call Mom that, so that was for...you-know-who.*rolls eyes*) :'-(... "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day? Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away? Wouldn't it be good to be on your side? The grass is always greener over there Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?" The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY AND A MOVIE ON MONDAY
Alright, where do I begin?:) I went to Jelambar again last Sunday. Usual stuff.:P Taking two Trans-Jakarta buses since ten in the morning, from Blok M to Harmoni and to Jelambar of course. Hopping on an 'ojek' to Surya Pemandu School. I got there at 11:45.:P Too early again, I know.*giggles* I was supposed to meet Dian first at twelve there, but she hadn't shown up yet. So I decided to have another early lunch at one of the 'warung' (food-stalls) in Jl.Amanah. Having a bowl of fried instant noodles and a glass of iced-tea. After that, I returned to Surya Pemandu. Dian texted me, saying she might've shown up a bit late. I saw the gate already opened, but I decided to stay outside and wait for her to come. Dian finally showed up at...12:45.*giggles* Since I knew the reason why she was late, I'd teased her about it.*big evil grin* (Hehe...sorry, D!:P) There were newcomers at the gathering.:D Ami, Ari, and Sarah. And Adam. The regulars: Patrick, Kristin, Mary Jo, and Andy. Hani came again, but without Yuki.:| Januar. Janna. Rachmat. Felix. Ali. Again, if I accidentally leave anyone behind, it's completely unintentional.*blushes* Patrick had really tricked us with the first game of the day, since it was also April's Fools' Day.:P*giggles* And I also loved it when we did a 'battle' using...clothing pins! (LOL!!) That was hilarious, chasing the opponents' team and attaching the pins to their shirts. I haven't worked out in a while, but it felt sooo good to run around that hall again.:D That game reminded me of my childhood joy. I'd felt like a carefree, happy little girl all over again! And as usual, I was always sad when it was time to say goodbye.:(*sighs* This time, I walked out with Hani.:) We'd shared the 'bajaj' and a Trans-Jakarta bus to Harmoni. All the way to Harmoni, Hani and I chatted.:) She was sooo funny. I truly admire her courage and wisdom.;) One thing I must admit here: Patrick's right. I know that I've mostly been used to my own solitude, but...it always feels much better when you have a friend beside you. (Especially the funny, lively one like Hani really is!:D) It doesn't feel like a lonely street (or a ride home on the bus or whatever), because you still have another person to talk to and laugh with.:) For that, I am always grateful. On Monday night, I watched "Meet The Robinsons" with Mary Jo in Ciputra Mall.:) The movie was okay, a light children's tale about a genius boy travelling time into the future to meet his family-to-be. I love the soundtrack, though. "These Small Hours" by.Rob Thomas. *deep sigh* It's been a long, busy day.:( I'm tired. I seriously need to get away from here. I know it's just my negative feelings again. *huffs* I'm going to be okay. I have to be. The Author

WAITING FOR TOMORROW...:D
It's just another boring Saturday night.:P Work, work, work (what else?*rolls eyes*) I'm also trying to stay positive, since tomorrow will be my third time for attending "Speak-Out's Listeners' Gathering" in Surya Pemandu School, Jelambar, West Jakarta.:D YAY! Hanging out with Patrick and friends have been like my greatest escapade from the harsh reality these days. I can return to being a carefree, happy little girl for a while. It's like being in a temporary-but-still-fun playground. *giggles* I'm also feeling better.:) The flu is already gone. I know that it might still take a while for my sore throat, but I am quite optimistic that I'll be able to sing again tomorrow. I feel like singing already, but I know better not to.*big evil grin* Patience... Last Friday night, I'd called in the show as usual.:D Patrick had suggested that I should arrive with friends. Well, I know he still worried that I might show up alone as usual, especially since what happened last Monday night.:P He's so kind. Oh, well.*sighs* I'd told him I'd probably show up with Dian, since I'd already suggested that we'd meet earlier somewhere before the gathering. (D, if you're reading this, what do you think?:D) I don't know if Yuki is coming too tomorrow.:) From all the other people I've met and known so far, she's the one who really understands my habit of going out alone. I kind of see her as Ms.Independent.;) Oh, well.:) Let's see what's going to happen tomorrow. I can't hardly wait!:D The Author

LET YOU KNOW...
Alright, I am not going to lie to you.:P There is this one thing that I am afraid will stay true. I still love Tiger.:( I know, I know.*rolls eyes* It's not healthy for me. You see, I've really been trying --- more than once, believe me --- to get over him. I wonder just why it's still awfully difficult. *deep sigh* Who says getting over someone is easy? That must come from an idiot (or a genius??:P) who never feels something this strong. Or maybe I'm just the weak idiot here.:( I used to be so strong. I used to be able to let go. Then what the hell is wrong with me now?:( Why am I feeling this way all over again? Is this legal? I mean, I admit that this is nothing like what I've ever felt for either Nanda, Joza,...or T.B. (especially with the fact that T.B. never really wanted to let me in from the beginning.) This is much too strong. I can't get away from this easily. Why? I don't get it. It's so hard to even understand myself anymore. I've tried to reason myself out of it for good and just remain his best friend. (It's the distance.:| Any distance.) We're already way cool with each other, but why do I still find myself wanting more? Is this normal? Am I seriously jeopardizing what's already beautiful? To be honest, I am scared. Don't worry, I am not that reckless with the situation here.:P I'm still careful enough with...his condition now.:( He still needs some time to heal. I may not always understand everything, but I can truly imagine just how he feels. Don't ask me how, I just know.*shrugs* These days have been hardest on him. Oh, and Tiger also knows about...my real feelings for him.*looks down, shuffles my foot, and blushes* Yeah, he's always known --- not only from the way I'd blurted out with my typing the other day.:P Sometime long ago, he'd first discovered that himself. Stupid me had been somewhat overly emotional back then, when she first cheated on him and he'd told me all about it. "If I were her, I'd never want to hurt you like that." :'-(... Thankfully, he was never mad at me. (That explains why we're still best buddies!:D) In fact, he'd thanked me over and over. But he's been loving her for so long and hoping too, while I...*deep sigh* It's hard. It's been quite hard on me too, so that's why I often wonder why I am still here --- alive and kicking.*big evil grin* I mean, I really do think about him everytime --- but I still won't let any nonsensical sorrow just ruin my life.*sneers* I know damn well that I must remain collected and survive. One thing for sure, though: he also knows that I never demand the same from him.:| I still know where I stand. Besides, feelings just can't be compelled. That's why, I still want to stick around for him, whenever he needs someone to talk to.:) Best friends forever, as promised. If God only allows me that, then fine. I still can take it. But I am sorry, there'll be no more blessings for her.:( Tiger can be with any other good girl in the world out there --- and I still can take that. But please, God...this time, don't let it be her again.:x No way! Not anymore. She's done enough already, causing him so much pain. This time, I am not going to give up easily without a fight in love, unless if he's meant for a much better girl than me.:| I am still being realistic, remember? The Author

AN ENTRY FOR ONLINE BULLIES :P
I have no idea that people can be seriously dead insecure at times.:| I must admit that I am like that too as well, although I still try my best not to bother other people way too much with that. (That explains why I write a lot here.:P) Alright, I'm going to admit something else too here: I can't stand insecure people who love putting others down (or even trying to *rolls eyes*) only to make themselves feel better. High-school bullies, backstabbers at work...you name it if you've ever met them already in your real life. But the most pathetic saps ever are those here --- online --- who love leaving nasty comments on other people's journals, only because we're mostly faceless strangers to each other and able to use any random nickname as we please. Oftentimes, they have no valid excuses/reasons to do so. They just love verbally attacking other people --- especially total strangers they don't even know and who don't know them in return --- because they only want to make believe that they are MUCH better than anybody else here and their lives aren't sooo miserable. For me, at least, they're just gutless cowards. I sometimes wonder if they're actually brave enough to say it straight to my face, if we ever (have to) meet in the real world. Because if that ever happens, then you have my word that I will definitely stand up for myself and defend my pride. You attack me personally, I'll fight you back. That's a promise. It's just that simple. Why do we pour our hearts and inner thoughts, secrets, etc. into this online diary/journal/blog/whatever in the beginning? I believe we have our own reasons here. For example: my good friend Ki. In my country, gays are still not fully accepted by society. There are times when he feels stressed out by the stupid social pressures (especially from his own family members :|), so he basically needs an emotional outlet. He's always been a sympathetic listener to other people, including me.:) (And I wish I could really return the favour as much.:|) However, here's the ironic part: It seems that the real world has no more space for his complaints. So, when he asked me what to do with it, I'd just told him what I'd been doing for the past few years.:P However, I really hope that he's ready for the consequences. (Or maybe I should suggest him using the 'private' mode for his entries.:P) You see, I actually seldom read other people's entries (even if they're already friends with me, so...sorry, people *blushes*). But still, when I do so, I often notice one small similarity between their entries and mine: We're actually revealing our inner vulnerability here, while, the real world out there is slowly and gradually lacking sympathy.:( My good friend Al does have a good point here. If you still wonder why I'm writing here, this is just my self-therapy. I'm still temperamental, but I'm also afraid of hurting other people. Trust me, I'm still capable of that. I don't want to be a bitch. My anger always hurts. For the good readers, reviewers, and also good friends I've met online so far, I simply can't thank you enough for your kind words and huge support.;) For online bullies? Please, don't waste your time reading my diary ever again, if you can't even stand it.*rolls eyes* I never ask you to, so you're not obliged.:P Just get a life, okay? Stop being pathetic saps, because I don't need to put up with gutless cowards like you! More rude comments left, and I'll just block you out. It's that simple.*sarcastic smile* The Author

UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF INFLUENZA...:P
There's a reason why I'm (considered) a rather 'abnormal' Indonesian resident here *big evil grin*: -Whenever I'm invited to an event, I always try my best to show up early or on-time...even if it's far away from where I live.:P *giggles* Alright, that's quite a stereotypical assumption, although I don't blame those who think of my people that way. Trust me, no offense taken. It's just the truth.*shrugs* I know some of us can be human time-stretchers here, I must admit. I don't know. I guess I'm just used to it already.*shrugs* I hate being late. I always feel guilty for making people wait for me. But still, that doesn't mean that I'm never late.:P I've shared my moments too. I hate the flu I'm still having now.:( Last night, I was supposed to have fun at Mary Jo's place in Tanjung Duren, West Jakarta --- but too bad I just couldn't stay long. I had to catch a bus home before nine. Naturally, I am not afraid to go outside alone --- even at night, but if I'm physically unfit/unwell --- that'll be another story. My focus is slightly flawed. I didn't dare risk my life on the street. To Mary Jo, Janna, Andy, Lili, Patrick, and Kristin --- I'm saying hi if any of you are reading this.;) Btw, the topic on yesterday's "Speak-Out" sort of reminded me of...my best friend Tiger.:| Since last night, I suddenly thought of him and had this all-way-too-familiar urge in me to just want to know how he'd been doing lately. I mean, we haven't really talked that much --- due to our geographical distance and busy schedules.:P I miss him. I really do.:( Well, I just heard Stevie Wonder's classic hit "Overjoyed" on the radio this morning. (Fyi, that's my favourite and personal heartache anthem.:P Why? Eventhough it's actually a heartbreak song --- and really old as well --- it's always giving a positive vibe as well and not at all cheesy like most love ballads I've ever heard before. It's like something that can help you feel more optimistic by saying: "Okay, so I've loved someone and he/she doesn't feel the same way about me. But still, the good thing is, at least I'd get the chance to really know and love that special person." Awww!:D) But this morning, I'd suddenly felt something strange in me. Was that a sign of...something? Was it my hunch talking? By the time I met him online today, I finally got the news: The break-up. His exhaustion from too much of her infidelity and their constant fights.:( Call me a hypocrite or whatever, but whenever something happens that makes him feel sad --- I DON'T call that good news, okay? I care about him this much. I love him.:'-( "Well, perhaps you need some time alone right now. You know, just for yourself --- doing things that can make you happy, like...hanging out with your friends out there and making music again..." "Yeah, you're right.:) But believe it or not, I'm also so relieved." "Are you going to be okay?" "Yeah.:) Got to rest now. Love you lots.*hugs* Take care." "I love you too, Tiger.:)*hugs* Always." By the time I logged off, I suddenly realised what I'd done. *gasps*:O Why couldn't I control my stupid fingers?!*blushes* I know he said he loved me, but I'm sure it only meant 'brotherly love' --- as it always does. Ahahahahaha...*blushes again* The Lovesick Kitty...*meows*

MOM...DAD, DO YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH?
Ella*: I don't understand my parents.:'-( They never respect my point of views and opinions. They expect all their four children (including me, of course) to just shut up and listen. They want us to always be obedient. Since I've always been the one who argues back, they can't stand me even more. They just find me as difficult and rebellious, while they think they're never wrong. Mom even said once that she regretted having me as one of her daughters. She prefers my brother more, but I don't care about that anymore. Thankfully, Dad's still being fair enough.:) He still loves all of us, no matter what. Come to think of it, I'm tired of the constant fights.:( I guess I'll just let them all believe what they like about me, while I silently carry on with my own idealism... Yasmin*: My parents are overly spoiling my brother. That brat never has to do any chore at home.:x For example, one day Mom needs one of us to get some groceries in a nearby marketplace. At that time, I'm busy studying for a school-test, while dear brother is lounging in the couch and watching TV. Just guess who gets to do the task? Yup, it's me.:| It always is. Even when I protest and point at my brother, saying, "Why not him? He's not doing anything else right now, while I'm still studying!", I know Mom will always come up with the same old answer: "He's a guy." That is so unfair!:( He gets to be treated like a prince, while I'm more like Cinderella (but not the one in a beautiful ballroom dress and a pair of glass shoes, though --- at least not like that!:P) However, I believe that I still must be grateful of my situation, though.:) Why? I'm much more independent and resourceful than he is. I can do the things that he can't. That's even so much better... Rose*: It's been perfectly obvious ever since.:( I don't know why, but Dad's always thought of me as a total freak since I was a kid. In his eyes, I never do things right or perfectly. I was never an ace student in school (no matter just how hard I've tried) and I've been more of a rebellious tomboy. Worst of all, I've also inherited his temperamental moody side. I am also stubborn. However, since I've already grown way too tired of arguing back, I choose to keep my mouth shut --- especially these days. I know, it's not good. But what choice do I have? He hardly listens.*shrugs* Mom's always been treating my sister more like a precious porcelain.:| Anything she wants, she must always get --- no matter how and what. Lately, things are just getting worse. My sister has a boyfriend. Well, that's okay. But Mom's been wanting him to marry her soon, so she decided to keep spoiling him too. Mom's even overly praising this guy as if he's some sort of this flawless character everyone should truly admire and make a role model for. Yeah, right. As if! The Couple get to use our only family car all they like, while I mostly (have to) take the bus. Well, fine. Besides, I'm already used to it since college. What I really can't stand is this: Whenever the two of them do something wrong, Mom will always protect them at any cost.:| She won't even let them be responsible for their own actions --- unlike any mature adult really should. I am not kidding!:x They're always being justified. It seems that everyone around should understand that and just sacrifice for The Golden Couple. Well, let them all just do what they like, but stay away from my life.:x That's my territory. I don't mind if Mom only loves them more than me these days, as long as she won't forget my brother --- who obviously still needs her attention too. That's okay. I want to be more independent, anyway. I must be fully responsible for what I do. My goals these days: get a highly-paid job and get my own place I can afford on my own, so I won't have to keep seeing what's painfully obvious (and obviously painful too!) anymore at home. My self-therapy: writing, listening to rock music, singing, and going out alone (just to reflect on my life and think.) Oh, well.:) I will survive. That means I'm strong enough to take anything, right? Besides, I don't want to bring that up to their faces. They might possibly only think of me as the jealous and insecure one here.:| No way! (*All names have been changed. You know why.:P) Sounds familiar? Do you know someone who's been going through the same issues as these three people? Or somehow, do they remind you of your own? I know you might wonder after you're reading this. Could that really happen? Could it all be true, or they were just being overly sensitive, nonsensical, and even jealous? I mean, if you ask, any parent out there will definitely answer, "Of course I love all my children!" They'll never admit that they're playing favourites, whether it's true or not. (Although sometimes --- just sometimes, that is --- there are those cruel enough to show their own kids that!) In the end, we can only accept that our parents aren't perfect. No human being ever is. We can't expect them to always be fair, because...that's just life.*shrugs* They can get tired too and (accidentally) leave a child behind and forgotten. Maybe they just think they already do their best. Maybe they don't realise that even glitches like these can still happen, eventhough they believe they're being fair enough. That's why, we must look after ourselves, because nobody can always be around to do that for us. For all of you who get the most attention and luxury at home, just be grateful and don't ever take that for granted.:P Remember, nothing lasts forever. But for those of you who feel the opposite --- you should just feel lucky.:) Why? Being obedient isn't always good, because that means you might never be able to stand up for yourselves and carry on with your own principles. Being overly-spoiled won't make you become more mature and independent, because you're not being used to being responsible for your own actions. In fact, you're lucky because you're being given a great chance to learn how to survive in this harsh reality. Maybe your parents still think you're being insolent, but --- if they're sensible enough --- I'm sure one day they'll be proud of you for being able to stand up for yourselves, make your own decisions, and just be fully responsible for all you do like cool adults. Maybe you're never really they're favourites at home, but at least you know what you really want in life and how to reach for your goals. In the end, those things will make you stronger than ever.:) The Author

THE WALLS OF ICE AROUND MY HEART
Last night, I listened to "Speak-Out" at seven on 104.2 MS 3 FM --- as usual.:) I got to be The First Caller again.*giggles* I even still teased Patrick about the so-called tea-leaf he'd gotten from Puncak.:P When I went to The Hub (my favourite cybercafe --- and also the only one available nearby --- in Panglima Polim) at eight, I met my brother's old high-school friend (and former crush too *big evil grin*) Dita Gimbal. We'd sat side by side in our different cubicles. She'd added me to her messenger list.:) Just when I was updating my journal entry, Tiger came online again.:D OMG! I was sooo happy. We'd talked again for a while, just like old times --- mostly joking back and forth. (Although I'd also felt a little guilty because I was slightly distracted by writing my entry.:P) "How are you?:) (Man, I've been missing you.:P)" "I'm missing you too...more than words can say." "You sound sad." *deep sigh* How come he could always sense that?:| We weren't using a voice-chat and a web-cam. Amazing. Of course, I was sad.:( My sunny Sunday had just gone way too soon. His remark had also reminded me of why I've been feeling sad quite much lately: 1.Dad doesn't care about us anymore. He practically lives in his own little world now.:( 2.Mom loves The Bratty Couple more (yup, The Princess Brat and her smartass boyfriend Gatot).*rolls eyes* 3.The Princess Brat just received extra payment from her event organizer "Snowballs" last weekend, but she seems to forget that she still owes me a lot of money.:| However, I also feel that it's already too fucking useless for me to remind her that right off, because --- as usual --- Mom will always defend and protect her precious, darling baby girl, by telling me that she'll repay me instead and asking me to be patient. (Oh, sure thing, Mom.*rolls eyes* As always. Just assume that I don't have much needs like she always does, okay?) 4.A couple of weeks ago, I'd exploded with rage and just...cried.:'-( That's what usually happens after I keep something way too much within.*sighs* I know, it's not healthy for me. (But what can you do when you realise that you're practically on your own, because the real world just has no more room for your stupid complaints?) I called my Uncle Iwan in Surabaya for at least...some mental and moral support. (He's Dad's lifetime best friend since childhood, and already more like my second Dad.:) In fact, I'm more open with him than my own Dad.:| I know it's strange to hear.) Unfortunately, this time --- I must face the sad fact. Uncle Iwan just calmly told me to understand the whole situation better, including Mom's decisions regarding The Bratty Couple. (Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Whatever.) He'd even gently asked me to not feel so jealous, because in time --- soon my turn for Mom's special treatments would come. *scoffs* What?:( I thought that --- of all people in the world these days --- at least he'd get to see my side of story and understand, even just a bit. Well, I guess I was just dead wrong. He thinks I haven't been understanding enough with Mom's motives. That's already pretty damn obvious. Ha! He thinks I'm just tad jealous and insecure (with The Princess Brat?*snorts* Please. Just give me a Goddamned break!:x) Since Uncle Iwan is a psychic too, I'm sure he can pretty much sense that I'm still awfully disappointed with him.:| Fine. So now, everybody's taking her side and just leaving me all alone to deal with my own issues. I mean, that's the way it often really is, right? The Princess Brat always gets what she wants. Go ahead. I can take it. Old news already, remember? I think I'm getting used to just not being anybody's first priority in their lives. I always have to remain strong and independent. They can just forget that I (still) have (real) feelings too. "No, I'm not sad.:) I'm just worrying about you, as always." I'm so sorry, Tiger.:'-(... I kind of figured that out already that --- once again --- Tiger managed to get along with his girlfriend again.:P Well, I don't even care for too much anymore. I'm just slowly feeling...numb. Close to becoming...frozen, that is. Well, who says life is always fair?*sneers sarcastically* You don't always get what you want. Just accept it and don't be such a pathetically spoiled brat. Keep fighting!:| The Owner of A Mysteriously Isolated Castle

A SUNNY SUNDAY (WITH EXTRA DROPS OF RAIN!:P)
So, how was yesterday's gathering with MS 3 FM's "Speak-Out" listeners?:D Again, I went to Blok M's bus station at around ten in the morning. I took the usual Trans-Jakarta buses --- one to Harmoni and the other to Jelambar after that. Luckily, the buses weren't as overly crowded as usual!:D It was probably because of the long weekend (since today is Hindu's Seclusion Day, and I just heard from the local radio station this morning that Bandung's been completely packed with "B-liscence-plated cars" that obviously belong to Jakarta's residents for holiday and shopping sprees.:P) I got to sit and rest my weary head for a while, eyeing my surroundings and pondering a little. Guess what?:P I arrived at Surya Pemandu School a lot earlier. 11:30. *giggles* Anyway, so I decided to hang out alone at a 'warung' (food-stall) for a bowl of noodles and a glass of iced tea.:) It was quite early for lunch, but I was already hungry. At midday, I went to the nearest mosque (I just remember that "Al-Amanah" is the name) to do my afternoon prayer there. The dark clouds in the sky started rolling in and just gave me a bad feeling.:| By the time I entered the mosque, the rain had already become a downpour (or was it raining cats and dogs? I find that idiom quite amusing.*giggles* Meow.) I was quite thankful to find no scary-looking homeless people sleeping on the mosque's front porch like a bunch of stray cats.:P But then, there were two things happening there that had seriously irked me: One, there was this obviously ignorant dude who just simply used...the ladies' room!:O*gasps* Okay, fine. So not many women usually come to the mosque to do their prayers too. (Yeah, we usually do that more at home or someplace else.:|) But, does that give him any right to do so? It made me feel uncomfortable and I'd almost snapped, but I knew better not to. It was no use anyway. Grrrh!:x Two, after I'd done my afternoon prayer, I found two random guys (sickeningly, one was that dude who'd just carelessly used the ladies' room...ugh!*rolls eyes*) staring at me.:( No, I wasn't being overly-confident or something else like that, because it was just too obvious. (Or perhaps I was just the only girl in the mosque at that time, while the other woman was an old lady.:P) It was not something flattering at all, because their eyes had been barely blinking as their gaze followed me and my every move --- as if I were some magnificent object to children's eyes or if they'd never really seen a real-life female before. Ugh. Yuck!:x One of them even gave me a big evil grin. I'd seriously wanted to throw up right there and then. I mean, hello!:x We were in the mosque --- a.k.a.The House of God, for God's sake. Why did they (have to) stare at me like that, as if we were in some brothel?! Just what in God's Holiest Name did they think they were doing?! Why couldn't they respect any solitary girl's space and let the girl feel safe for at least one day?!! WHY WOULDN'T THEY??!!!:x *deep sigh* I'm sorry.:'-( I just hated that. It's not fair. I'm always angry whenever that happens. I just want to feel safe, wherever I am. Please, leave me alone.*rolls eyes* Is it (considered) harrassment if a guy keeps staring at you in a 'certain' way, and you just don't like it (or in my case, feel uncomfortable)? If it is, then why do so many people out there still not take it seriously?:x Or am I just being overly-sensitive, as usual?:( Anyway, I decided to leave the mosque at 12:45, eventhough the rain hadn't completely stopped yet. I wasn't afraid of them, just feeling sick with their gaze. But I had no time to put up with their irky attitudes.*rolls eyes* I still had much better things to do for the day. The gathering had been fun, although tad quiet.:) Only eleven people showed up --- including me. Patrick, Kristin, Mary Jo, and Andy (of course). Two Dians (one of them was a familiar, beaming girl with straight hair.:D) Menti, Hani, Yuki, and Wina. Too bad Kristie couldn't be with us anymore.:( She had to return to The States. Kristin said that Kristie's father was going to have two surgeries in hospital, if I'm not mistaken. God, I hope he'll survive... As usual, everybody got stories to tell.:D Patrick told us about their trip to Puncak (the reason why "Speak-Out" wasn't on last Thursday and Friday:P). He'd even shown us a green leaf he'd received from a kid in the tea-plantation in Puncak, but it turned out that it wasn't a tea-leaf at all --- but from the tea-plant's parasite. (LOL!!) We had fun laughing at him for a while.*big evil grin* When Hani and I introduced ourselves to each other for the very first time, Hani gasped. She pointed at me and exclaimed, "You're The First Caller!" "So is Hani," Patrick put in with a big grin. I looked at Hani and giggled excitedly. So she and I have practically been quite competitive for that title for the show.*giggles* She was also funny, because she even came up with a ridiculous story about her silly English teacher.:P If only Kristin and I lived in the same place where great rock concerts took place, I'd love to go with her.:) (That is actually something I'd love to do with my best friend Tiger, because he loves rock music too!:D) In one of our games that afternoon, I was in a group with Hani and the beaming Dian.:) When Patrick asked us our group name, the three of us agreed: "HRD!" "Human Resources Development?" Patrick had looked puzzled.*giggles* No, it was the acronim of our names! I always hated it when we had to say goodbye and go home.:(*sighs* Yeah, back to the real world again.:P But still, it had been fun.:) I can't hardly wait for the next gathering on April 1. I want to do that again!:D At sometime around four, I shared a 'bajaj' with Yuki to the busway bridge. Then we got to be in the same Trans-Jakarta and chatted all the way, before we'd finally parted in Harmoni. She returned to Bekasi while I returned to Blok M. By the time I arrived in Blok M, it was already quite dark. Phew.*whistles* Time did fly by...:) What had made me smile the most that day: listening to Patrick singing to Marcell's ballad "Firasat" (Hunch).:) Or maybe I just love the song as well. The Happy Author

MY BOREDOM KILLERS
I'll begin this entry by telling you just how freaking hot my hometown really was today.:( No kidding. I got to work in my family's restaurant as soon as possible before laziness had the chance to come and influence my will.*big evil grin* I must even drink lots and lots (yes, and LOTS) of cold water in order to avoid serious dehydration here. Hhh...*deep sigh* Our local BMG (Badan Meteorologi dan Geofisika / The Centre for Meteorology and Geophysics) has already predicted that the rainy season will stop and be replaced by the drought in April. Right.:| It's already (much too) hot in here. The weather is seriously unpredictable these days --- more than a woman's mood swings during PMS *big evil grin* (alright, I'm not making fun of my own kind here.:P Been there, felt that.) How do I make an ordinary day feel less than boring?:) I mean, some people still assume that just because I'm running a small business with my family members --- I get to slack off a lot. No, it doesn't work that way and I also hate being a total slob. I still have my responsibilities at work and seldom get my day-offs. That's it.*shrugs* Still, I'm looking for my big break --- somewhere out there. Someday soon (well, hopefully), I'll get my own dream job / career and just be more successful and independent. What can I say?:) I'm a struggling survivor here.*shrugs* I just don't (want to) quit easily. I'm not Dad.:| Anyway, I just love listening to the radio, reading books, and --- of course, this one is already obvious --- writing. I want to become a successful author someday. I'm still building up my dream career right now, bit by bit.:) From updating my journal / blog until entering writing contests, I keep practicing and polishing my skills. Practice makes perfect, remember? Speaking of writing, I'm planning to send my job resume over to Cosmopolitan Indonesia soon.:D It's a well-known fashion and lifestyle magazine and they have openings too this month. My college best friend Pumpkin has been working there since after college graduation. He's a cool guy, even in drag.:P Maybe it'll be cool if we can reunite and work in the same place together. I truly admire Pumpkin. He writes cool, feature articles (too bad I can't really afford to buy Cosmopolitan all the time, so I don't get to read his works a lot.:| But I know damn well that he's good.:D) There's one problem, though.:| I believe it's quite major. I'm quite an artsy type, but not exactly in a sense of fashion.:P I'm almost like that heroine Andrea 'Andy' Sachs (Anne Hathaway) before working under the thumb of Miranda Priestley (Glenn Close) in Runway Magazine. (Btw, I still haven't watched the movie yet, but I've read "The Devil Wears Prada" --- thanks to Pumpkin who recommended and lent me the novel.:) It was way cool for a light reading people call 'chicklit'.) Okay, so I'm more of a tomboy.:P Ironically, The Almost Twins (my girly-girl sister and my artistic brother) are much more dressed-up and visually perceptive (or sensitive?) than I am...I think.:-S I'm into grungy style. Of course, there are still times when I (can) dress up more --- but only for certain occassions. I don't do that a lot and everyday. I'm sorry to say that it's already a part of my personality.:P But I'm still damn proud of it. I don't change for anybody else but only me. Right.:| I hope that won't be too much of a problem for them. I actually want to work in SPICE!, because they suit my idealism even more. (And I've already had my writings published in there before.:D I know they were only a poem and a short story, but that still excited me!) But I still haven't heard from them yet, after I submitted my CV and essay. I even had a dream about me hanging out with their chief editor (who's also an author of a local, successful chicklit "Soulmate.com") Ms.Jessica Huwae.:P I know it's kind of embarrassing to admit here, but maybe I just really want the dream job.*giggles* Should I wait for their call some more?:| Time is money. I can't just sit still and do nothing here. I must do something. I must keep trying and fighting. Whenever I feel stressed out by harsh reality, I also listen to my favourite songs and radio shows as well.:) I'm an aspiring singer too, and I believe I sound good. (My best friend Tiger says I sometimes sound like Sheryl Crow.*giggles*) However, I'm tired of rejections from stupid auditions by Indonesian Idol, only because they think I'm just not that photogenic in their subjective eyes.*rolls eyes* Oh, well.*sighs* Fine. When I become more successful in music industry than their lovely Idols, they'll be sorry for rejecting me.:P Tiger is a talented rock musician and a creative songwriter as well.:) I can learn from him, or from my brother and his bandmates too (including his long-time best friend Ari Tutuko. He sings, plays guitar, and writes lyrics too.) Then I'll be an indie musician too.:) I can do that. Well, there's also this favourite radio show of mine on 104.2 MS 3 FM (a local community radio for college students in my brother's campus Trisakti University, West Jakarta.) It's called "Speak-Out", an English-speaking program hosted by a native American named Patrick (a fun, witty, and charming kind of fellow.:D) It's on from Monday to Tuesday and Thursday to Friday --- for only an hour from seven at night. For months already, I've been a loyal fan to the show (and I'm often "The First Caller" too.*giggles*) The show is like my favourite boredom-killer at work. My night-shifts will feel so long and tad dull without listening to it. Like what happened on last Thursday and Friday night.:( Patrick and friends had to go out of town and they just couldn't find anybody available to cover up for the show.*sighs* Oh, well. They deserve the break anyway.:) But the good news is, I'll be heading to Jelambar, West Jakarta tomorrow afternoon --- for their listeners' gathering!:D It's in Surya Pemandu School, from one until 3:30 pm. I had fun with them two weeks ago, and I just want to do it again. They're like my stress-relievers from the real world lately. I'm not sure if I can go to their Monday night-out too.:( They've already asked me twice, but I always couldn't go. I wanted to and still do. It's just...work and money...:( The Ordinary Girl

MY LIFE, MY RULES...SO BACK OFF!:x
Just when I thought things have gone back to normal with Mom, something's been up again.:| *deep sigh* I don't even know why I bother with this all over again.:( I know some of you might think this has something to do with my own jealousy and insecurity. No, it is not. I just don't want outside interference in my family, this restaurant, and even...my life. It's The Leechy, Golden Couple again.:| Yup, it's The Princess Brat (my sister) and her smartass boyfriend Gatot. And Mommy Dearest is still a total stranger to me. No kidding.*rolls eyes* She's still treating the two of them as if they are her ONLY precious darlings. Yeah, right. I mean, these days --- Gatot hasn't been around lately as much as he used to. Good. I'm glad.*big evil grin* I hope it stays this way for good. I know I'm sounding awfully mean and acting like an insecure bitch here, but I just don't give a damn anymore. I don't like having Gatot around. I don't like him. I don't like him at all, eventhough I've tried my hardest (just to please Mom, mostly *rolls eyes*) and no matter what almost everybody around me here thinks of him personally. (Thank God I still have Menti on my side, though.:|) And I'm still uncertain about his true intentions with my family --- not just my sister, that is. Like I've mentioned earlier, he hasn't promised my sister or even Mom anything 'specific' at all yet, but Mom's been treating him as if he's already one (important) part of our family.*scoffs* I don't know why. Somehow, he's successfully gotten inside Mom's head and completely influenced her --- like an alien in a sci-fi. I'm not kidding.:( This is just still the same old and painfully familiar twilight zone I'm living in. Will I ever really get away from here? Hello, Dad!:x Are you really there? Where are you, then? Look what's happening to Mom now. She's losing her grip now just because you're not around to help us figure out our critical situations here anymore. I know you're still there, but you don't seem to care about us anymore. Why? And she won't admit it, but I can tell that she's losing it. If she weren't losing anything, I'm sure she'd be more objective and not just agree to Gatot's every word.*scoffs* Trust me. She used to be wise and fair, but now only belongs to The Princess Brat...*gulps* him. She's just not the same person I used to know anymore. No. Right. Pardon my sarcasm about Dad, but that's just how I'm feeling lately. I can never lie to myself, remember?:P Gatot's told Mom and my sister not to only blame Dad and do nothing else for my family's financial difficulties. And just who the hell he thinks he is to ever say such things to them?!) Fine.:| I still agree with that (and that's why I'm still searching for stable job with with stable salary too.) But then, just yesterday morning --- Mom mentioned about Gatot wanting to apply for a job in the oil company, just so he could provide my sister more when (or if??*raises an eyebrow*) they'd get married someday. (Oh, really?*sneers* When??) He'd even told Mom and my sister that he'd have helped my brother with his expensive college tuition fees if he had more money. (Oh, really?*sneers again* Well, to me that doesn't really mean a damn thing, especially since he has not enough money to do so now --- which means he just can't prove that yet. Sorry, I don't take empty promises that easy, unless if they're realised.*scoffs*) Then suddenly, Mom started talking about how my brother should actually have had a job to support himself already. Menti and I had looked at each other before I finally responded: "But Aldi has a freelance job too---" "Yes, I know. But it's still not enough for his own life support," Mom rudely cut in. "When Gatot was still in college, he was also work---" That's it. Enough already.:x "Well, everybody's different," I'd almost retorted. I felt that I had to defend/protect my brother. How could she say things like that?:'-( She'd never had problems with it long ago. Why now? I know damn well that this kind of comparing game always hurts one less favourable party. Been there, felt that.*rolls eyes* I don't want my brother to have to suffer the same thing I have.:'-( "I know everybody's different, but we're not supposed to just sit and wait. We must do something." What does that mean, Mom?:x Are you talking about Dad...or me? Am I not doing enough already? Maybe, but I never stop trying, right? I know, that's still not enough for you to ever really be proud of me. And I know damn well what she said could've possibly hurt my brother's feelings, so I'm glad he wasn't around to hear that.:| *sneers* I know what Gatot's been trying to accomplish here. He wants to take over our family. He's sucking up to Mom. (And I'm damn sick of it!:x) I still don't know what he's really up to, though. Menti and I have already agreed on one thing, though: We will never let Gatot interfere with the restaurant business (eventhough through influencing Mom, that is.:x) Never. If he dares (again)...well, we'll see about that. Want to know another bad news? The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) is going to be finalized soon. Fuck my country's government! May all of them just go to fucking hell!!:x I think I'm going to have to take a long break from this.:| I hope I'll be able to get a stable job with bigger salary (even better if it's out of this country), before Gatot will ever get the chance to take over my family and this country's turning into a hell for free-thinking women... The Stubborn, Rebellious, and Temperamental Tomboy

THE QUESTION OF SAFETY
Are we all ever really safe here?:| I don't know why, but that question comes back to haunt me again after a long while.:| I know that I might sound awfully paranoid and rather defensive, but this is actually more than just that. In fact, I've always been having these strange conflicts within. When I was a kid, my family's house in Tanah Kusir, South Jakarta, had gotten robbed...four times already!:x (Not so regularly, but still quite consecutive.:|) It always happened at night when everyone was asleep in their rooms. I'm not going to recall what was stolen back then, because it just doesn't matter anymore. Besides, that's not the point. So anyway, my parents had woken up to hear mysterious noises outside their room during one of the four incidents in our house...sometime during the wee hours. They exited their room and found one of the front double-doors opened. Of course, Mom had been hiding behind Dad. They caught a sight of two men pulling the black iron gate open, both faces covered in sarongs and one of them carrying something in the dark. "Hey!" Dad had yelled. "What are you doing?" The two men froze, but then one of them reacted quickly. He took out a switchblade and whirled around to face Dad. Mom shrieked in panic, but still managed to drag Dad back in and slammed the door shut. After seconds, they opened the door again --- but the two burglars had already vanished with their motorcycle. (My parents said they'd heard the familiar noise.) Dad had called out for help, and lots of male neighbours were rushing for aid. But it was already too late. No use.:( And I didn't go to school that day.:| I remember that it was Friday, and I was supposed to go for a camp with the other students in my class. I'd already lost the mood anyway.*rolls eyes* The fourth (and hopefully the last:|) happened during my first year in college. Did we ever call the police to even just report on one? No. I'm afraid we still can't trust the local authorities. Why? They never catch the burglars. The bad people are still out there. They're free and that's always upsetting me. *deep sigh* I know.:| It's just the way of the real world.*smiles sadly* I guess that's why I grew up resenting the real world --- especially the bad guys in it.:( I still do. Like many times I've already told people before, I've always been a rather rebellious and temperamental tomboy. (And I've also inherited my temper from Dad, but I'm not going to blame him for that.:P I'm responsible for myself here.) I once took martial arts lessons just to help me protect myself, sometime back in grade school. I got angry at the boys who treated girls badly, even those who simply called my kind as weaklings and cry-babies.:x But I couldn't get back at that boy who had pushed me against the window of the headmaster's office back in grade school for no reasons, until the shattering glass cut my hand. He'd just bolted and never apologized. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that I was more traumatized by the robberies than what I'd shown them on the outside back then.:( I mean, there are still nights when I just lock my bedroom door. As a girl, my mind keeps screaming in rage, "Why? This is just so unfair! I hate this!" Why is it still so hard for any girl in the world just to feel completely safe --- wherever they are, with other people or even alone? The funny thing is --- unlike most girls normally feel --- I don't just feel the fear.:| I feel the anger as well. I'm afraid of being fully consumed by insecurity. I'm afraid of losing myself in the intimidation from the bad guys out there. I don't like letting them win. I can truly understand if some people think I'm awfully foolish and crazy. I won't blame them for that.:) In other words, I fear the fear itself more --- not the people who (try to) cause that on me. Since I was a teenager, I've enjoyed going out all by myself --- even at night sometimes. It's not that I don't enjoy going out with other people/friends.:) It's much as fun, but different. I know that I can't really make any of you who read this understand. It's more than just fighting back the fear --- it's also my self-therapy. (More about that sometime later, if you're interested.:P) I've even received similar comments from good, sensible people (especially guys!*big evil grin*) I know: "Are you serious? That's dangerous! It's not safe for you." :)... Once again, I'm going to ask you this question: 'Are we ever really safe here?' *sighs* I don't know how to explain this, really. If you've ever experienced the same issues as I have (and also if you're a girl too, of course), maybe you'll get to understand what I'm feeling. All I know is that --- eventhough some people say it with good intentions --- somehow, it still hurts me to hear this: "That's not a good idea. You're a girl. That's dangerous." Please, don't get me wrong.:( I'm not mad at those good people, but at the world. In my opinion, if a girl gets mugged on the street by a bad guy --- it's actually not because she's a girl who happens to be outside on her own (or even at night!), but it's because that guy is really bad. He's an ugly monster with beastly intentions. And I know that prevention is much better, but --- do we have to sacrifice our freedom?:| Does it always have to be like that? I mean, there are times when I just have no choice but to go out and face the world alone. I must be brave and cautious at the same time, my parents have taught me. Besides, I don't want to be way too dependent. (Or maybe I just have serious trust issues, like some have said.:|) I've learned enough to realise that nobody in the world can always be there for you. There are times when you must survive on your own. Last night, there's this guy who's been worried about my habit of going out alone as a girl, but --- unlike years ago --- I'm not mad at him.:) In fact, he's sort of reminded me of my own best friend Tiger. It's just...*sighs* I don't know. I want to thank him for his genuine concern, like I've thanked all the other good fellows of mine who are also gentlemen.;) However, I'm afraid I can't promise him anything, except that I'll try my best to always be careful when I'm out in the streets alone. love, The Rebellious Tomboy

DRAMA. FRIENDSHIP. LOVE. HEARTACHE.:(
I was surprised (and happy too, of course :D) when Tiger came online again last night (okay, it was his day, actually.:P You know, different timeline.*shrugs*) I was taking my usual break from work while he just returned from college there. Then we started chatting again, just like old times. I know, I shouldn't have brought up the sensitive about his recent fight with one of his roommates in UK.:( I'm such a basket case sometimes.*blushes* Idiot! The last time he and I talked, he'd told me about the minor misunderstanding that somehow led to that fight. (I also got the slight impression that the lad was rather childish.:( Too bad. What a shame.) I could tell that Tiger seemed pretty disappointed and slightly torn, especially since he and that lad had been the closest pals for months earlier. I know Tiger. He's honest, but there are times when he can be a little too blunt. I know he actually doesn't want to offend or hurt anybody's feelings. Well, even if he did offend a soul, I'm sure it was unintentional. Trust me, I've had those several moments with him too myself.:P (Remember, nobody's perfect --- not even a real sweetheart like my best friend Tiger.) That's just his way.*shrugs* He's only being his honest and plain self, like most other guys I've ever known --- including my good fellows. He says what he means and he means what he says. *sighs* Alright, perhaps my opinion about him is slightly biased by...you-know-what-I-mean here.*big evil grin* (Well, that if you often read my entries here.*giggles*) Or maybe I'm just a plain tomboy here.:P It's not that being friends with girls isn't cool. I know that guys often can say hurtful things that make you cry (especially when you're having PMS.*big evil grin*) But, at least --- and I seriously mean this --- they still say it right to your face, not behind your back. That way, you don't have to keep wondering. You already get the answer. Most of them don't like beating around the bush (well, unless if they're having an affair or something else like that.*big evil grin*) Anyway, there's another good thing about Tiger too.:) He apologizes as much as he forgives, whenever he realises that he makes a mistake. He's even more forgiving than I am.*smiles softly* (Seriously, I'm a vengeful bitch with a vile tongue at times.:|) No offense, but I don't find that in many other guys.*sneers* Even when they already know they're wrong, they're still way too proud to apologize and admit it.*rolls eyes* Dad's one example, while Dave can possibly be another (uh, do gays really count too?:P) Well, after talking about that lad, Tiger suddenly brought up another subject (actually, there were two) about...her.:| Yup, it's his long-distant girlfriend again, people. First, there was a slight trouble back at his home.:( Before he left for UK in such a hurry, he'd forgotten to lock one of his drawers in his room. Somehow, his brother had found a tape from his girlfriend in it (a very private kind, that is). Thankfully, he didn't tell their parents. But that still upset Tiger.:( Then he'd just asked Dear Brother to put that back and lock his drawer. His parents still don't know about her...yet.:| Tiger's been planning to tell them when the timing is right. (When? When??:-S) Long ago, I've already reminded him of the risks and the consequences. Long-distant relationships are much tougher, even more difficult if you've never even really met the other person in the real world yet. (And I've countlessly recalled my fear of all this.:( I know, I'm such a huge coward at times --- but I guess I just have my limits too.) There'll be lots of misunderstandings, trust issues, and more than I can really handle myself alone. And I can't promise Tiger the world he truly deserves, remember?:'-( I still love him (always have and always will), but it's just not that simple and easy. No, it's not. I'm pretty much realistic about all of this. I didn't say much when he also told me about his recent fight too with...her.:| He'd mentioned one problem, but...*deep sigh* I don't know. I kind of suspected that there might've possibly been more issues than just one, especially from the way he'd said it. I still do now. But I've decided not to push the button. As usual, I only let him talk whenever he feels like doing so. No pressures, no demands.*shrugs* ......................... But still, I'm very sad for him.:( I know he's been hoping for her to be with him for the rest of their lives. I know he's been hoping for so much, like a sweet, innocent child wishing for a fairy tale come true. And lately, they've been fighting lots. Slowly but surely, it's draining his spirit again inside. It's consuming him. It's eating him out. "I'm tired of fighting. She's slowly killing it.:(" "Killing what?:(" "This immovable, unshakeable love..." *huffs* Alright, I'm afraid some of you might think of it. Good news for me?:P No. No, no, no. NO!! Fine. Call me a hypocrite, then.*rolls eyes* I don't care. But knowing what he's done to himself out of pure despair before, I'm more afraid. Terrified is the right word. "I'm sorry I've ruined your good day.:(" "No, I'm okay." "Liar.:P" "Damn you.:(" Damn it. How could he always tell? I wasn't using any web-cam or voice-chat. "Don't worry.:) I'll be okay...hopefully." "Fine, keep saying that.:|" "........................." "Maaf.:(" (Sorry.) "No need for that.:) Just pray for me, okay." "Please tell me you're going to be okay." "I'm going to be okay." "Promise?" "Promise.:)" I love you...:'-( The (Slightly) Drama Queen

THE BUS RIDES AND A SUNNY SUNDAY!:D
Last Saturday night, I was just talking online to my good friend Al when Mom suddenly texted my cellphone to tell me that she wasn't feeling well.:( It was still eight, and we usually close the restaurant at nine. I said bye to Al, logged off, and escorted Mom home. Since the only car we have left was used by The Almost Twins and my sister's boyfriend Gatot to a jazz festival, Mom and I had to use the bus. First, we had to walk a few blocks away from The Restaurant/Grandpa's house in Panglima Polim to the nearest bus stop in Melawai, Blok M. All the way, Mom had looked pale. I was afraid that she might've fainted any second, but thankfully she could still manage.:| And when we got into a bus home...the whole seats were occupied. We had to stand. I could still take it, but I'd worried about Mom. I know I can't expect every guy to be a gentleman and just give up their seat on a bus to a woman (especially an old, ailing one like Mom that night). But I couldn't help thinking, "Hey, there's a pale-looking old lady here and you guys are just pretending to sleep on your seats!"*rolls eyes* How fascinating.*scoffs* Anyway, we were glad when we finally got off the bus and got home.:P Nothing else to do but sleep. Zzz... And I had a sunny Sunday!:D After arriving in the restaurant with Mom at ten, I carried on to Blok M's bus station. (I'd been planning to go to Jelambar.:D) I bought the latest SPICE! issue. I didn't find any of my writing published in there (*snifs* just another reminder of the risk for being a mere, freelance writer), but that was okay. I found their late cover story for Hoobastank's concert last January here.:P I took the first Trans-Jakarta bus to Harmoni, Central Jakarta. Then, from there, I went to a different door and took another bus to Jelambar, West Jakarta. (Thanks to my dear brother --- who still studies in Trisakti University --- for the public transportation tip!:D) The second bus was overly crowded, though. I got myself seriously cornered for at least forty-five minutes. (And I am a claustrophobic.:|) I was so relieved when I finally got off the bus in Jelambar. When I crossed the bridge, I saw lots of homeless kids sleeping or either begging for money from people who mostly passed them by. Their sad, scruffy-looking faces were pitiful.:( But what I couldn't stand the most was the sight of a kid sleeping on the bridge corner, next to a crying baby.:'-( The kid must've been tired (or probably numb from being overly hit by harsh reality), so the poor, wailing infant's howl didn't seem to bother her slumber so much. And I just didn't know what to do.*blushes* If I'd picked up the baby (at least, just to try to comfort her,'though I'm not really sure I'm good at that:|), the older kid might've possibly woken up and accused me for trying to steal the baby. (On the rough streets of Jakarta, any bad thing can happen with just one false move.) In the end, I just walked away --- silently wondering where their parents might have been.:( I know, that just wasn't enough. But, what else can I do, right? *deep sigh* When I finally got off that bridge, I had to take an 'ojek' (that's how we call the motorcycles who offer us a ride somewhere for money in return here) to Surya Pemandu School. Guess what?:P I showed up an hour early. They said it would start from one until three pm. *giggles* Anyway, I decided to have my afternoon prayer in the nearest mosque there. Again, I saw several homeless people just sleeping on the front porch.:-S It kind of freaked me out, but then I decided not to bother way too much. After the prayer, the rain suddenly came pouring down.:( I didn't bring any coat nor an umbrella, so I got stuck inside the mosque until sometime around 12:30. Then I returned to Surya Pemandu. The gate was already opened, but there was no signs of life in it yet. I'd waited from a distance (it was considered spying more, I know *big evil grin*), until two Caucasian girls showed up and entered the two-story building. I joined them inside at sharp one. It turned out that some people were already in the hall, chatting and giggling.:) One of the girls, the dark curly haired one --- spotted me and smiled. The other one with glasses asked me to come in. When I first mentioned my name, Patrick --- the slim, dark blond (?) and blue-eyed guy who's also the radio announcer of MS 3 FM's "Speak Out!" --- exclaimed with a big grin, "Hey, The First Caller!" If you're wondering why Patrick called me that, it's only because I often call in first during their radio show at night.*giggles* What can I say? The show's been like my favourite boredom-killer at work! Then I got to know more people.:) The curly-haired Kristie and another girl in glasses named Kristin. The red-haired (or is it strawberry blonde??) Mary Jo. Andy. Sysyl. Mila. Dian. Menti. Ria. Lilis. Lili. Menti. Marti. Benny. Januar. Farida. Janna. Wina. Ali. Rachmat... I hope I've gotten all of you right.:) If I forget any name, then I'm sorry.:| It's completely unintentional. I could definitely call my yesterday afternoon as a "Sunny Sunday".:D I mean, eventhough it had rained for quite a while, the rest was very joyful. Believe it or not, I felt as happy as a little girl again.*giggles* I loved the exciting games! I know I haven't seriously worked out in a while. But it felt so good to have just run around the hall and giggle like crazy. I haven't really felt this happy since...since...okay, when?:| I felt so free. It was like my stress-reliever. *sighs* I know.:) The world of grown-ups can be very, very demanding and stressful.:| I guess I didn't want to say goodbye and leave so soon.:P We did have the extra thirty minutes after three to just grab the snacks and talk to each other.:) It was super fun. But then the thirty minutes left us so quickly. We'd finally said bye to Patrick and friends. I walked out with several other girls to find our rides home. Then we went our separate ways.:( I hope I'll get to see all of you people again... Anyway, I'm back to work again.:P Mom's doing better and back to normal. I just got another invitation for a karaoke night at eight in "Happy Puppy" in Green Garden. (Thanks, Kristie.:D) But sadly, I can't go.:( It's my job. The Author

THE WEEKEND OF ACTIVITIES :)
Yesterday was my parents' wedding anniversary.:) The Almost Twins, Menti, Gatot, and I just bought them a delicious fruitcake from The Harvest, but it was enough to make Mom smile. Dad's gone to Puncak with some of his relatives this weekend. Since our catering business was up until today, Mom and I decided to stay put and help Menti.:) Besides, we've lacked sleep for days from having to arrive at work earlier than usual (six am!), so Mom's pretty beat right now. I also want to save my energy. Lately, I have lots on my mind. My job search, my writing career... Oh, speaking of writing, my brother's friend Tyas came to the restaurant too last night with her friend/co-worker Fitri. Tyas works as a graphic designer for the magazine Goodhousekeeping Indonesia (lucky her!:D) And they both suggested that I write short stories for the magazine too, when Tyas told Fitri that I was also a freelance (and struggling:P) writer.:D Fitri said that the editors often found trouble with lack of supplies for fiction writings. They even have to find some time to cover that up with their own scribblings. Well, okay.:D I'll think of something, then. I mean, I always do. I've got a list of contests coming up, from the middle of this month until August. And my unfinished novel too.*blushes* Come to think of all that, I'm pretty grateful about one thing, though. I know that being a freelance writer --- especially in an already too difficult country like my own these days --- is just not easy. Your work doesn't always get accepted/published, which only means you don't get regular salary.:P Some skeptics in my hometown usually say that this is just my silly move in making (more) money. I also know that some unlucky artists here can possibly end up in the gutter --- along with their unknown masterpiece. (Realistically, I do not wish to ever be like that.:( I've had enough of disappointing my parents even more and looking like a bum.) But this is just what I love doing.:) It's me and my idealism --- my freedom to express myself clearly. I love writing. It's in me. I want to do this for real. I seriously need this. I guess that's why I'm more relieved when I didn't get accepted in Trans-TV.:P Please don't get me wrong. This isn't about not wanting to be in the same office as Gatot. I also don't like wearing uniforms (while Trans-TV and Trans-7 crew wear army-look black outfit everyday. I love black, but everyday??:|) And, I don't even want to trade my every bit of idealism with pure commercialism for the sake of keeping the ratings up. It's going to feel like a personal betrayal against myself. Besides, I don't watch TV that much anymore. I'm more of a book-reader and a radio person. The last time Tiger and I talked online, he told me that he hadn't really had a chance (or mood:P) to start his novel yet.*giggles* I'd told him, "That's okay, buddy. As long as you'll be a legendary musician someday soon and my favourite rockstar at heart, especially with your Joseph Fiennes looks." And boy, he'd laughed at that!:P The Almost Twins and Gatot are going to Java Jazz Festival 2007 tonight. I'm not much of a jazz enthusiast, so here I am instead.:) Besides, I have another plan for tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to attend MS 3 FM's Speak-Out listeners' gathering in Jelambar, West Jakarta. YAY!:D The Author

THOUGHTS ON A HECTIC DAY
Today's been quite hectic for me!:D We've got clients for our catering business. Since early morning, the kitchen's been crowded and noisy with the staff cooking and packaging. Menti, my brother, and I have been mostly on and off the road in Menti's light gray Hyundai --- delivering the packages. The good thing is, I don't feel so bored today.:P Menti and my brother are also good companions when they're around. She's our aunt, I know, but she's also more like a friend. She's fun and witty. My brother and she often joke around while I just mostly giggle watching them. It feels like things are going back to normal again. Good normal, that is.:) *deep sigh* I know that I shouldn't have watched TV this morning.:| I nearly got myself seriously teary-eyed. First, it was Christina Aguilera's video "Hurt". (Okay, I know it's rather mundane.:P) She's one of the female musicians I truly admire, especially since she no longer sings those cheesy, bubble-gum pop love songs and still maintains her amazing voice.:D I love her latest album "Back To Basics", because she sounds seriously more mature in it. And "Hurt" is one of my favourite ballad songs. I've noticed that it's about her past ugly relationship with her father and how she still misses and loves him somehow. It sort of reminds me of my own main character in my Teenlit novel. (A minor spoiler: this girl doesn't get along with her absent father anymore after her parents' messy divorce, but she secretly still misses him somehow.) I guess the video gave me a great effect, because I'd almost seriously bawled my eyes out watching that.:'-( Sooo sad. I'd felt the too-familiar lump in my throat and the warm liquid out of the corner of my eye. Damn. I'm not going to tell you more about it, in case you haven't watched it yet.:P You might want to check that out yourself. Anyway, I was strangely relieved when the song was over, so I changed the channel. The morning news was seriously giving me the creeps. They played the live tape of a local reporter standing and reporting on a gradually sinking ship, minutes before that poor guy drowned with the other crew and passengers.:( Then there was a footage of funerals and the crying family members on screen. *sighs*Scary, knowing you can lose anybody you know anytime. Life's so short, and death can come unexpectedly. Surprise. Time's up. Let's go. No, I'm afraid it's just way too late for you to tell them goodbye. This is your epilogue now. Get it? My brother called our cousin Seto today. Seto's older brother Miko's wife Meidy just survived another brain surgery. (Meidy's also my sister's friend since high-school. In fact, my sister was also sort of their matchmaker.) Meidy's lying asleep in ICU in MMC Hospital, Kuningan, South Jakarta. About a year or so before she and Miko got married, a tumor was discovered in her brain. She'd survived the first surgery and it was taken out. But recently, the tumor just grew again and had to be taken out. Well, my family and I haven't had the chance to go and see her there yet, but hopefully we will soon. Hopefully she'll be getting better too. The Author

THE SUNDAY RANT
I've checked the online result for Trans-TV's last interview yesterday on their official website. I didn't find my name. You might wonder why I hardly feel sad...like, at all. Surprisingly, no. I'm not feeling all happy too. Actually, it's kind of hard to describe. Relieved is probably the closest to match. Strange but true. Perhaps I'm also feeling rather numb. So-so. See? Confusing.:P I've also noticed that their second announcement for the result will come on March 12, at nine pm. I'll check that out too.*shrugs* But hey, I still believe I'll get something more and for the better in the future soon. I'm no quitter, remember? Besides, Tiger often says that only cowards who quit easily. Honestly, I'm always afraid to be one.:| "It's normal to be afraid, but don't ever let that make you a coward. It's alright to have doubts, but don't be indecisive. We're always allowed to take our time, but never waste it." And I wish I could remember where I'd ever heard that from.:P Pretty tricky, huh?*big evil grin* It's not easy to find balance --- that something-in-between, I must admit.:( But I also still believe that it's not impossible. I'm not going to just sit around and wait until March 12, though.:P I don't want to act desperate, as if my entire life really depends on it. I'll just keep trying and doing something. That's why I've already sent my CVs to Media Sino and SPICE!:) I remember January 12 when I first visited Media Sino with the rest of SPICE! crew and readers. It almost felt like love at a first sight.:P It's sort of like a post-production house/studio, because they do dubbing, translating, captioning(subtitling), and distributing foreign films to my country here.:D And SPICE!?:P I'll say no more about it. I just love that magazine because it definitely suits my idealism.:) I hope I'll get a job there. Last night, my family and I attended my sister's lifetime best friend Hermin's wedding reception in Mulia Hotel, Senayan, South Jakarta. (Why did I just say 'lifetime'?:) Hermin and my sister have been best friends since grade school.) Hermin's more like a royal princess here, because her family's very, very rich. So is her husband Omar's. So, it was practically like a royal wedding. The tasty food (sushi and warm chocolate cake plus vanilla ice cream and sweet pastries too, yum!:P), the cool jazz band (my brother's friend Affa played violin in it :D), everything. I'd planned to wear my new, red kebaya outfit (Mom had insisted long ago that I should've had another, so she'd asked my sister's favourite tailor Mas No to make that for me.:D) Unfortunately, my one and only crimson corset didn't fit well like it used to. In fact, it got too large on me!:O "Oh, my God!" Mom had exclaimed in amazement. "You lost weight!" I did?:O Did I?? Did I???:D THANK GOD!!:D I could hardly believe it until I checked it with the scale. Since high-school, I'd been mostly stuck to 150 lbs (for a 5'05 ft. Asian girl, trust me --- that's already considered overweight. My own doctor told me. My heaviest weight so far had been 160 lbs!:|) Through college, I gradually droppped it to 145 and 140 lbs after graduation --- with food combining and countless long walks. I even tried my best not to bother with it way too much anymore. I'm now...138 lbs.:D I know it's still a long way to go, because a girl my height is supposed to be around 120 - 130 lbs. But at least it's still a progress, eventhough pretty slow.:P And I feel much lighter and healthier too.:D When I finally showed up at Hermin's wedding, wearing my pair of black trousers, maroon blouse, and a pair of black, high-heeled flip-flops --- my sister's friend and co-worker Bianca half-teased me, "Come on, girl. Not another tomboyish outfit again!" *giggles*No choice. Alright, no more rant for today.:P Enough. The Author

A FRIDAY NIGHT...WITHOUT MUSE...:'-(
This will be just another short entry.:| I don't have much to say. I just want to recap a little bit here.:P I've been having a major sore throat and flu for almost a week.:( That sucked. Mom's been kind enough, so I've softened up a little. She'd sold Grandma's old sewing machine to buy me medicine for my cough. Dad doesn't even care anymore. Oh, well.*sighs* At least I'm feeling a bit better today.:) Still, my salary is thin as a paper.:| No matter just how hard I work, I still can't really make ends meet yet. There are times when I just feel so damn useless. Will things ever really change around here? I want things to get better, though --- not worse. I want it to be okay. I think God's answered one of my prayers.:) Last night, my family and I discussed our financial issues. (Minus Dad, of course, because it's already been beyond difficult to even really talk to him about it these days.:|) I mostly listened, because I'm not a good talker. From their conversation, I've noticed that both Mom and my sister were actually very sorry they'd borrowed too much from Menti. Well, that's great. Finally they both come to their senses. Good. That means I don't have to give that crappy letter to Mom.*huffs* I just sent a short story for another online contest.:D I hope I'll get lucky this time. Now I'm thinking about writing more...including completing my delayed novel project (aargh!:O) I hope that whatever new job I'll get in the future, I'll still get to write freely and have my "me-time". I need that.:| I don't want to sacrifice way too much. I'm not that dedicated, but only to my own writings.:P For tonight, I'm just going to mourn.:( Muse are performing in Senayan, and I just can't go. The damn tickets are so expensive!:'-( The Sad, Muse Fan

AN (UNSENT) LETTER FOR MOM
Dear Mom, Actually, I don't know where to really start this. All I know is that lately, I've been feeling so disappointed with you.:( If you're reading this, you might wonder why --- especially since you've always assumed that we're just fine. You even once said that The Almost Twins and I could always get along very well. The three of us have always been good kids, you told me. So far, Dad's been our only major problem these days. No, Mom.:| Not only Dad. I'm sorry, but I can't just lie to you anymore. I can't pretend that everything is alright, because actually --- it is just not. I'm not okay. I've been trying to talk to you about this, but you've always barely listened. You never even let me finish my sentence, just because you think you know what I want to say. You tend to do that a lot these days, and --- honestly --- I'm already getting so sick of it.:x I know, you'll possibly get angry if you know I'm calling her The Princess Brat. Either it's to your face, hers, and even both of yours.:| That happened once long ago, and you'd simply accused me as being harshly judgemental and mean to her. Well, we both know that's always been the truth, don't we, Mom? Yet you still protect her as if she's always the only fragile one. You always do, and she just needs to be spoiled even more and more. After all, she's just your darling baby girl. She's your precious child. Don't most people always find first borns special? I have no choice but to accept and understand that fact. There are some things in life that we just can't choose, right? The Princess Brat used to want to be the youngest child a lot, because she just couldn't stand too much responsibilities and loved to be spoiled. Well, looks like she still does now --- at least to me. Don't deny that, Mom. I know damn well that you actually see it as much as I do, or probably even more than you'll ever want to admit --- even to yourself. But still, The Princess Brat has always been so lucky and popular. She got good grades without having to study too hard and still could slack off anytime she wanted. Still, she always made you all proud. Everybody knows her. She (still) has her rich and popular crowd of friends. She hangs out with them. She loves shopping when she has money. She dated like most 'normal' teenage girls do. She even has a steady boyfriend again named Gatot. The man you (seem to) adore more than your sluggish husband and struggling young son at home. Someone you've been treating specially and royally, as if he's such a flawless character anyone in the world should admire and make a role model for. Don't get me wrong, Mom. (But I'm afraid you will, anyway, if you read this.:|) I don't (want to) hate both of them. You know damn well that I've inherited Dad's temperamental, but I still don't like hurting other people --- eventhough some may have done me wrong in the past. (And I also hate that when people simply accuse me as being touchy or even overly-sensitive. Trust me, they have no idea. Neither do you, I'm afraid.) If The Princess Brat is always (considered) prettier and more popular than me, then fine. I can take it. I can live with it. Hell, I'm even used to it! I just hate that most people around me treating her as if she's a diva who deserves all the special treatments and praises in the world and as if she can do no wrong. (Just like the way you treat her these days, Mom.) I just want to be left alone. For years, I've received starings and the same old, stupid question: "Why can't you be like her?" and I'm damn sick of all that. I still remember my first week in middle school, when a male P.E. teacher named Mr.Nova had stared critically at me and rudely said, "How come you're so different from your sister? You're so fat!" If you never noticed, that was the main reason I refused to go to the same high-school/college/wherever with her. I never want anybody to talk to me like that ever again! You once told me not to label her so rudely. Well, what about when she called me a freak at times? How fair was that? Freak and childish, she said. (Childish? Well, look who's talking.) Nobody ever stood for me. Not even you. I've always been on my own. Even when I really am a freak, is she really the right person to define 'normality'? I mean, it's already been bad enough for me to have heard that from Dad for years. You've even agreed with him and her.:( I can understand that I've mostly disappointed you. I've been more of a silent rebel and a tomboy. I'm nothing like her. I struggle while she mostly waltzes through life easily. She's always been (kept) safe and protected, while I've already known the real demons in the world I must battle constantly --- including the one in me. (Care to notice the difference, Mom?) I'm more independent than her. God, I even took care of you when you were ill one night, while she just sat and watched TV. Aren't you ever proud of me? Why do you still love her more? I just don't get it. Anything she wants, she must always get. No matter how or what. If we're rich like The Hiltons, then fine. No problem with that. I know we're not financially secure right now, but why can't she cope with that as much as I do? Why won't she? And why do you always (have to) give in to her demands? Letting her friends --- including Gatot --- get more free treats from the restaurant? Borrowing Menti's money until the restaurant is mismanaged? Sacrificing my money --- my already minimum salary --- only for her own benefit, while I always work so damn hard to save some more and her salary's actually much bigger at work? What else? You often act as if she'll possibly explode like a child in a tantrum if she doesn't get what she wants. (Well, even if she will, then let her. She has to be reminded all over again that she can't always get what she wants, I think. For God's sake, this is the real world. Other people have needs too!) What about Gatot? How long have you and The Princess Brat already know him, btw? Six months or less? Under one year only? He only talks to me when it's necessary. What do you think? Since Gatot came into our lives, it seems to me that I don't even know you anymore. You've changed. It's like you've become a different person, a total stranger to me. You used to be wise and fair. You used to be more sensible than you are now. I can understand that you're stressed out lately, because Dad's no longer reliable and just plain ignorant. And I can see that you're also desperate about wanting The Princess Brat to get married soon, only because she'll turn 27 soon this year --- your age when you got married to Dad. (And what makes you believe that everybody has to share the same fairy tale like you did back then?) You're afraid that Gatot too will walk away if you don't treat him royally the way you treat The Princess Brat. God, you even allow them to sleep in the same room at night, even when my brother --- your own son --- isn't around. I know damn well what you mean about 'adult responsibility', but...you were never like this before. You act as if he means a lot more to you these days than I do. Remember January 15, when he suddenly broke up with her for no reasons? You cried with her, as if your whole world fell apart. That sucked, you know? Did he ever promise any of you the world? Well, even if he did, would he (want to) keep it? Would we ever know? You tell me. When they got back together again, you simply welcomed him back like a long-lost son. You celebrated his return as if you got your entire joy back. That hurt. You never even asked why. You used to be objective. What's up with that? I know that I can't keep you from loving them more than me. But I just want the old Mom back. Is it still possible, or have I already lost her forever? I miss her, you know. I miss you, even when you're physically around. I've also had enough of sacrificing for her...and even him.:( Enough. I'm tired. yours truly and (still) with love, Your (Forgotten) Second Daughter

THE HABIT (short story)
Every February 14, I dressed in all black and walked alone in the crowd --- a minority in a coupledom. Last year, when you said you loved me too, I'd thought you'd have been the one to help me stop this typically cynic's strange habit. Before high-school graduation, I'd never really cared much about Valentine's Day. I started resenting it during college. My very first love was my own classmate, a tall hunk whom I called J.B. in my diary. My first college semester had been beautiful, with his presence lighting up my days. He'd been nice and sweet to me. But I knew that I'd been more like a little sister in his eyes. Unfortunately, I'd been afraid to let him know my real feelings for him. When J.B. finally had a girlfriend, I'd tried my hardest to bury the pain. I'd only cried one night. As a good friend, I knew that I should've been happy for him too. When my college campus was throwing a Valentine's Day event, I'd shown up wearing all black. It was the beginning of my constant effort to shield my fragile side from the world. Doesn't black identify a strong character --- instead of only as gloomy as a funeral outfit? Besides, I dislike pink. Pink's much more suitable for a sweet girly-girl. Sweet like a heart-shaped chocolate I love to eat. (By the way, that kind of chocolate is the only thing I love about Valentine's Day.) "Any sensible guy would always feel so lucky to have a sweet girl's love like yours." Really? Someone once told me the same thing. He was also the one I loved after J.B. Too bad, we live (too) far away from each other. He's in South Asia, while I'm in Southeast. His comment on one of my blog entries started our friendship. It took six months full of e-mails, messenger chats, and photo-exchange for me to finally trust him with my telephone numbers. His voice is warm and friendly. I've always loved hearing him laugh. He's also witty, although serious and mature as well. Was it my fault that I fell in love? Unfortunately, once again I was afraid that he'd have rejected me and stopped being my friend if I'd told him the truth. I was also afraid of the possible uncertainties, if he'd have positively responded to my real feelings for him. Don't you find lots of cynics who question the possibility of any long-distant relationship, especially when you never even meet each other in the real world yet? When an American girl told him online that she loved him, he asked my opinion. As a best friend, I gave him my most cliché advice: "Just follow your heart." And in the end, that's exactly what he's always done. It started from letting that love grow inside him and slowly consume him, like ivy hugging a stone pillar. He's still holding on to the uncertainties I still fear. He's always even forgiven her, through her constant infidelities and apologies after that. So easily. I thought that girl could've made him happier that I would have. Perhaps you --- like most of them --- might think of me as one big, fat hypocrite. Perhaps you might also doubt my rigidity, in case that girl had never hurt him. I can only stick to my honourable role as a best friend, someone he can always talk to whenever he feels sad. He's always respected me a lot. Even when I finally confessed to him about my real feelings for him, he was never angry and pushing me away like I'd feared he would have earlier. I knew it was too late. He said he'd always love her. All I know is that I just want him to be happy. Then why did I still feel sad? I'm sure you wondered about that too as you read my blog. "He's a fool. He can't see how special you are." Really? Well, he thinks I'm the greatest friend in the world. Doesn't that mean I'm considered special too in his eyes? Besides, don't you think that love can't be compelled? Two years ago on Valentine's Day, I wore all black again. I chose to watch a horror flick instead of romance. I preferred listening to hard rock, not those sickeningly romantic love songs on the radio. Even one of the teenlit series of "The Baby-Sitters' Club" by.Ann M.Martin called "Abby's Un-Valentine" has become my favourite book. I just love the way Abby Stevenson, a tomboyish sports-fanatic and a cynic in most people's eyes thinks. To me, she's very realistic. Perhaps that's what I feel whenever I see the random couples around me. They look picture-perfect happy, or is it just a play to make the lonely souls feel jealous and downright insecure? Probably, the husband actually likes to hit his wife at home. Or your prince charming of a boyfriend turns out to be a cheating kind. How long a fairy-tale can ever really last? Does "happily-ever-after" really exist, or is it only an illusion to help you sleep peacefully at night --- like a child heading for a sweet dream? I don't know. I'm tired of the social demands, especially for women. Is it true that you'll be considered prettier and far more precious when you have a boyfriend? Is it true that you're considered out-of-the-dating-market already, only because you're a 25-year-old woman and not married yet like your parents' expectation --- especially your dearest mother who doesn't (seem to) ever want to understand your point of view on this matter? Is it (supposed to be) that easy? No, I'm not that desperate. To me, love is not just a game nor even a test. A spouse isn't just merely a status, the one you can always show off to your colleagues like some trophy you've won. To me, a spouse is (supposed to be) a lover and a true best friend who can make me feel safe and give me comfort, and also will (still) allow me to be myself. Okay, I understand the meaning of compromise. But, will we ever want to sacrifice everything for love? Or is just my effort to deny my own loneliness? Eventhough I tend to feel lonely too sometimes, I don't want to be hasty. Don't be too picky, they say? This is my life. They don't make the rules. I also don't want to regret anything later on, just because I pick randomly as they always suggest. It's so damn easy for them to just say things like that! "You're too careful." Am I? Then how come I fell in love with you too? You, who also left me a comment on my blog entries. I don't know why, your blog entries always made me feel sad. I often cried reading them. You've been a lot more unhappy than I really am. I never thought that I'd have found someone desperately aching for one true love, even more than money. Your unhappy childhood has saddened me. You've grown up without confidence nor the feelings of security. You've even been a kleptomaniac once. Ironically, your family is financially secure. I mean, you could still attend a college in New York, although (I don't know why you believed) your family just wanted to see you fail. You had two girlfriends. But they ended up sticking together and hating you for no reasons. What had you done? You had no idea. You just wanted to survive from all your troubles in the world and find true love. I'm sure those who have been hurt (a lot) before will have serious trust issues with other people. Maybe I just wanted to help you heal all your pain inside. I wanted you to believe that you too deserved real love, despite your past and what you looked like. I couldn't believe you if you too were like that at first. But I'm sure, I did love you back then. It took a month since we met online for me to tell you how I'd really felt for you. Why? I just followed my intuitions as I continued reading your blog. Besides, what was I afraid of? Since you said you loved me too, I'd felt such extraordinary joy. I couldn't stand waiting for our next conversations --- full of laughter and your teasings, although we'd never even really met in real life. At first, you'd suggested that we should've celebrated Valentine's Day together in NY. But, since I couldn't afford the whole trip, we'd decided to chat online again. I'd even let you see me on a web-cam. "God, you are so beautiful!" Am I? Then why did you sound so sad in my earphone? "This is so unfair! Why are we so far away like this?" Damn it! I felt the same way too. Completely shattered inside, especially with the sad fact that we also weren't in the same religion. What was I supposed to do? I wanted to be with you, but having trouble with these obstacles. I knew you understood. I realised that I had to understand you as well. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," you finally said. "I can't hold you and kiss you, and it hurts. I can't do this anymore." "Then what do you want?" I asked. I quickly shut the web-cam off. I didn't want you to see me cry. "I don't know." "I'll tell you what," I suddenly suggested. "If you can find another girl over there who'll love you and you love in return, I'll be okay. As long as you're happy." Silence for a while. Your next reply on the screen saddened me even more: "Reva, I don't know what to say.:(" "Then don't say anything.:) It's okay," I typed back and clicked 'enter'. Sorry, I lied. But I decided to let you go anyway. I didn't want to make you suffer more in loneliness and uncertainties. So, we were finally back as just friends. For you, I'd tried my best. I still read your blog to the end. Your third girlfriend was rather cold and distant, so you two broke up really quick. As a friend, I'd tried consoling you as much as I could. You accused me as naïve, like a child who couldn't understand reality. Slowly, the distance grew between us. We started to argue a lot. When you read my blog entry about my cynicism in love, you accused me in denial of my own loneliness. You even implied that I had no idea about love. I was angry because you wouldn't (want to) see my point of view. You'd even accused me as easy, because we'd only known each other for a month and I'd already told you I loved you. Then why did you say you loved me too? Was I a fool, easily taken by that? You never really wanted to explain that to me. I thought that it had never meant a damn thing to you. But you were offended when I told you that. Did I find you easy as well? Maybe. I'd never found anyone so desperate in wanting love. Poor you. But I still loved you too much to say those mean things to you. Even when you accused me as the kind who overly-simplyfied matters, I was the one who gave in and apologized to you. Especially when I hadn't meant to hurt your feelings on your birthday. I didn't know that you despised your own birthday, although you insisted that you'd told me earlier. You didn't even want to explain why. You just accused me for being an unloyal friend, because good friends were supposed to understand and be there for one another. But how could I ever be able to be that kind of friend to you, when you never really wanted to open up to me? Didn't you once say, "Reva, sometimes I feel incredibly close to you I want to scream, because you're so far away" ? I don't know. After your last e-mail that told me you'd understood that I'd never meant to hurt you, I've never heard from you again. My last few e-mails remain unreplied. They say, you're just a name in the cyberworld. Forget it. I can't. To me, you're more than just a name. That's why I'll be wearing all black on Valentine's Day this year. You know why. -the end-

IN SOLITUDE...
Mom and The Almost Twins have gone to Bandung since last night. They're attending the 40-day-anniversary after my Uncle Herly's funeral (don't get me wrong, it's not a celebration. It's just cultural stuff.:|) They're probably back on Monday morning. Dad was indecisive as usual, so he's gotten left behind.*rolls eyes* What makes him believe that the real world will always wait for him? He's very slow.:( I'm sad to say, but that's just the truth. Me? No, I'm not going with them not because I still resent The Princess Brat and have my great disappointment with Mom. (But I still do --- both.:|) My interview for Trans-TV (or Trans-7, Bank Mega, or Coffee Beans:P) is tomorrow morning at eleven, remember? I don't want to risk returning to Jakarta late if I chose to go to Bandung too. Yeah, I know what I've said earlier about my doubt in taking that job. But I have to look as if I'm really longing for it, or else Mom will give me a hard time again. (Btw, my sister is older, but it seems to me that everybody's been much harder on me.:( I still don't get it. Why does she always (have to) receive special treatments? Why is she always being protected?) But still, I'll try my hardest not to end up in the same place with Gatot there --- in case I get the job.:| Fine. Call me childish or immature. Whatever. I don't care. Besides, that's all what they'll ever (want to) believe about me. I'm tired of defending myself. Let them all think what they like. If I get the job, I don't want Mom to think that I owe it big to him.:| I don't want her to go around, telling everybody with such pride: "Ooh, my second daughter is now working there, just like Gatot. Isn't that great?" I don't want her to imply that I'm following in his footsteps. Gatot this, Gatot that...Gatot, Gatot, Gatot... *deep sigh* This feels like going back in time again.:( I'd refused to enroll in the same high-school and college as my sister, because I didn't want them to compare us both together the way those kids had --- back in middle school. When some asked me why, I just gave them the big, fat NO! They had no idea just how damn hard it had been for me. Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not jealous. I don't care if a lot of people still consider her prettier/more successful/better/whatever than me. She's always been The Popular Princess, remember?*sneers* I don't give a shit. Just let her have that precious title for the rest of her life, as she pleases. I know she can't survive alone among the strangers around her out there, because --- in the end --- she'll always need protection. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be me. I don't want to be living in anyone's shadows. I want to start my own success in a place where nobody knows me, so I can be proud of myself. I want to be more independent and resourceful than I am now. I want to do what she can't, so people will see me as more than just a mysterious, somewhat freaky little sister. I also don't really care if people forget my name or how I look like on the outside. I want people to acknowledge me from my personality and what I do. I guess that's why I don't really care how the interview will turn up tomorrow.:P I don't care if I'll get the job or not. I mean, of course --- I'll still do my best like normal people usually do. (I have to appear normal, remember?*big evil grin*) But if I fail, I won't feel too sad about it. But what if I succeed? Well, I'll see if I can survive there for a year or two --- before I'll move on to another job, just in case.*shrugs* After all, life is just one big adventure, remember? There has to be alternative.:P I also refuse to discuss tomorrow's job interview with anybody. No, I don't even want to think about it way too much. I'll just get myself numb and do the best that I can, like a robot. No emotional interruptions, please. There's been a huge, purple swell on my left arm. Mom and The Almost Twins wondered about it yesterday, but I just lied about bumping really hard into something.:| My brother thought it looked like being punched, so I shrugged that off by casually doing something else --- away from them. Brownie points for my dearest brother.*big evil grin* A couple of days ago, Mom had asked me to pay for my sister's debts to Menti...with my money. (WTF?!) She'd looked dead exhausted, so I mostly swallowed really hard and gritted my teeth. I could feel the tension in my jaw. It hurt.:'-( "Sure thing, Mom," I'd mumbled weakly. Whatever.*rolls eyes* When she left, I'd felt like crying and screaming.:'-( I started punching my left arm as hard as possible, until I lost the urge to cry. It still hurts and looks so ugly, though. Menti refused to my money. She said she wanted The Princess Brat to be responsible for her own doings, not other people --- including Mom and me. Good. At least I'm not all alone in believing that.:( For tonight, I'll be enjoying my peaceful solitude.:) I'll be having The Almost Twins' shared-room to myself, since they're out-of-town right now. Tomorrow, I'll probably be heading to Putri's place in Menteng after the interview --- if possible. I need a temporary sanctuary, actually. Maybe I'll also be leaving a sealed-envelope of letter for Mom --- since she's been way too busy overly spoiling The Golden, Leechy Couple and too clouded in the head to even listen to me and come back down to earth... The Lonely Heroine

MY LIFE --- AS IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE
If you're reading my previous entry, you'll see that I've called my life "The Twilight Zone" lately.:| My own, personal Twilight Zone, that is. Why? But first of all, have you ever watched "The Twilight Zone" series?:P I have. It used to be my favourite TV show back when I was still a kid (although I also loved "Care Bears" and "Sesame Street".*giggles* Well, what can I say? They say I'm a freak, remember?*shrugs*) I even watched the new version of the series as well, sometime long ago. Eventhough I can't remember each episode correctly and completely, I'm well-aware of the similar thread. The main theme that connects every incident/tale. Still confused?*big evil grin* Very well. Here we go: It feels like the whole setting in front of your very eyes are picture-perfect, completely flawless. You can compare that to "The Stepford Wives" (the tale that always reminds me of how much I truly despise the sexist pigs!:x) Still, you happen to feel that there is something wrong with that picture. What is it? Is it far too perfect? Unnatural, somehow? You tell me. All you know, you feel somehow uneasy with the whole situation. You try talking about this to someone else --- someone you even know, perhaps --- but...unfortunately, they just can't see it like you do.:( Or they refuse to. They can tell you that you're only imagining it, because those black holes in that picture-perfect setting aren't really there. They don't exist. Or, they can just accuse you that you're making that up.:x They say you're crazy and insecure. Nonsensical. Since they all believe that everything is just F-I-N-E fine, it looks like you're the only one with the problem. You're the one who thinks that there's something wrong around here. In other words, you're on your own.:| And then, if you're not strong enough, you might start wondering: "Is it all only in my head?":-S That's The Twilight Zone for me. The weak voice of minority versus the intimidating majority. It's highly aggravating, but you can't just easily draw your sword and start attacking the demons around you. What demons??:| You can barely tell the difference these days. Or worse, you can --- but your loved ones can't while it's already too damn obvious. It's not like a child screaming in bed, "Mommy, there's a ghost in my window!" and the mother will calmly say, "No, there's no such thing as ghosts, dear." No, it's nothing like that. It's probably more like that two-faced bitch who bullies you constantly in high-school --- only to make her feel better --- but she still remains The Pretty, Admirable and Popular Princess and a good student in everybody's eyes. But when you want to cry for help, their reaction will possibly be similar to something like this: "Really? No way! She's always been so nice...and beautiful too." Yeah, right.*scoffs* Then what happens to: "Look beyond what you see"? I thought all sensible grown-ups should know that.:x *deep sigh* Honestly, I don't think I know my mother anymore.:'-( She's changed gradually since Gatot is around. She's no longer the same person I used to know, love, and truly admire. She's become a total stranger to me, and I just can't understand her anymore --- no matter how hard I've tried and eventhough I want to. This is just really depressing. It hurts me too damn bad, I feel like crying but I'm so fucking tired of wasting my tears anymore.:'-( I mean, she used to be fair and wise. She used to be...sensible. Unlike these days...:'-( These days, Mom are often spoiling The Princess Brat as if she's the only daughter she has.:( Anything The Princess Brat wants, she must always gets --- no matter how and what. Mommy Dearest will always try to provide for her. It doesn't matter if they have to keep borrowing more money from Menti or unconsciously sacrificing my already minimum wage.*rolls eyes* As long as The Princess Brat is happy and satisfied, all is just so damn worth it. Then what about Gatot --- Mom's so-called precious Son-In-Law-To-Be?*scoffs* I wonder why she's been treating him like The Very Last Precious Man On Earth for her darling baby girl (definitely not me, though. He's not my type, and I'd rather shave my head until bald!) It seems that --- lately --- in her eyes, he's this flawless character everyone should admire and make a role model for.*gags* How utterly frustrating can that be? Ugh! She can't see how irresponsible he is, and he's also acting as if he too owns the restaurant and can do whatever the hell he likes. But hey, I guess I'll be (considered) The Nagging, Insecure Bitch here. Fine. No surprise. Too predictable, actually. Come on, Mom. Don't kid me. I'm not that stupid nor gullible. Nobody's ever really that perfect. He's not some god you should worship --- ever. *scoffs* I guess that's why I'm still doubtful about the job in Trans-TV, because Gatot works there too. (My interview will be on Monday at eleven, though.) But they also have openings for Trans-7, Bank Mega, and even Coffee Beans. I don't want to be in the same office as he is.:( Period. But even if I have to, I don't want to be in the same division as he is. (He's in The News, btw, so I'll pick Production or else.) He's already influenced my family at home. I don't want to feel sick just seeing him at work too, in case I get the job. Enough said. The Lonely Heroine

THE FIVE-YEAR-CYCLE AND MY OWN, PERSONAL TWILIGHT ZONE
Is the title for this entry rather strange or what?:P But, since I haven't written anything in a while, I'll just try to catch up as usual. So, it's the five-year-cycle of massive flood in my beloved hometown Jakarta...again.:| We had it before, sometime back in early 2002. I remember being unable to go home one night, because the bridge in Tanah Kusir had been covered with heavy flood from the river. My family and I had to stay in Panglima Polim, but at least we were still damn lucky. I missed a few days in college, because I couldn't attend or even go anywhere easily --- thanks to the heavy traffic caused by the flood. I remember the news about grim body counts (from drowning, mostly) and leptospyrosis (sp?). I remember sending an e-mail to River all about it and he'd replied with condolences.:) Then, what about now? It's been going on about a week or so (and that's why I'm thankful for this fairly sunny day.:D) The flood covered the bridge in Tanah Kusir again and the streets of Cipulir. I think The Central and South Jakarta are lucky, because those weren't too badly affected by the flood. If you happen to live anywhere near the rivers here...well, swift evacuation is the only advice I could really come up with. Grim body counts? Worse than 2002.:( The government's been very slow about responding to this natural disaster. I caught a glimpse of a local newspaper's front page, where a picture of Sutiyoso hitting his own forehead in dismay was under the headline: "SUTIYOSO'S NIGHTMARE". If you're curious as to why, it was all because Sutiyoso had openly claimed before that there wouldn't have been any five-year-cycle of massive flood this year, so nobody had to worry about it. Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Now he's still having serious trouble taking that back, because most citizens are still badgering him with questions, complaints, and even demands. Ha, ha.*big evil grin* My sister was sent home early from work once, along with her two friends/co-workers Gama and Tia (if I'm not mistaken.:P) If I were her, I'd probably risk my feet in murky water, walking home to save more money since most public transportations around the main streets of Sudirman --- where her office stands --- were either fully-occupied or even just jammed. (But of course, I'd have definitely washed my feet as clean as possible --- to avoid leptospyrosis!:O) But, knowing that she's The Princess Brat, of course she never wants her feet to get wet. She'd called our brother to pick her up in a car somewhere at first, but the traffic was impossible to predict and conquer. So, she'd struggled to find a ride home --- from the overly-crowded Trans-Jakarta bus (the only bus in town she wants to use:P), the taxi, and even the bajaj (a three-wheeled vehicle you can also see in India, while Tiger and his fellow citizens in Pakistan call it a 'ruckshaw'.) No, I didn't ask her how much she and her two friends had spent on all of those.*rolls eyes* It was absolutely none of my Goddamned business anyway, so please relax, okay? *sneers* I know. I've been such a bitch about her lately. Well, you can't really blame me for that. A few days ago, Tiger surprisingly called me one night.:D I was sooo happy to hear from him again! I've been missing him like crazy, although I'm trying my best to maintain my entire composure on the outside.:P I miss his warm, lovely voice. So, anyway --- I was at The Almost Twins' shared-room upstairs with my brother, watching DVD --- the first season of "The 4400" when Tiger called. My sister was still downstairs with her boyfriend Gatot (who else??*rolls eyes*), cleaning up the aquarium together.:P What did Tiger and I talk about on the phone, btw?:D Lots. He'd worried about me after watching the news about the massive flood in Jakarta. (How sweet.:D) I'd told him I was okay. Then, we'd mostly joked around, just like old times. Oh, God.*sighs* I miss talking to him so much. His warm voice can always soothe all my nerves. He said he was okay with his girlfriend. I'd told him where I was that night, and he was sort of joking about my brother eavesdropping on our phone conversation.*giggles* "Nah, don't worry about him," I assured him lightly. "He's cool, a sweetheart like you." "Wow, sounds like you two get along pretty well," he sounded amazed. "Then what about your sister?" That did it. I felt tears slowly starting and falling down my cheeks. I noticed that my brother was still focusing his attention on TV, so I was quite relieved that he didn't see me cry. I didn't want to scare him off like that.:'-( "Dew, what's wrong?" Tiger sensed it. "Is everything okay?" "I want it to be okay." But it's not. I had to control my fury from rising.:x I couldn't tell Tiger the whole details, eventhough my brother couldn't understand my English accent clearly if he'd heard it then. I didn't want to sob, but I was crying...silently. "Hey, it's going to be okay, sweetie." In the end, I'd just promised him I'd have sent him an e-mail about it soon (which I haven't really...yet.:|) As always, he'd tried his best consoling me.:) I love him.:'-( How could I tell him?:( Since Mom's been spoiling my sister as if she's the only precious, darling daughter she has and overly-praising Gatot as if he's completely flawless, my life has been more like my own, personal...Twilight Zone. The Lost and Lonely Author

THE WEIRD DREAM
I returned home late last night, sometime after midnight! My sister had wanted to use the only car we've got left for...I don't know.*shrugs* Her business, I guess. I'd waited upstairs with my brother in The Almost Twins' shared room, mostly watching TV. We'd also been mocking Van Damme's action flick "Hard Target".:P Too illogical. How cheesy. I liked Arnold Vosloo much better when he played Priest Imhotep in "The Mummy" and "The Mummy Returns", and also when he was a cast in TV series "Veritas:The Quest".:) I also liked Lance Henriksen much better when he played Frank Black in TV series "Millennium". A rather spooky protagonist, if you ask me. When I finally got home and in bed last night, I had this really weird dream.:| (Btw, I don't remember if I have already told you this many times before, but --- whenever I'm too exhausted or stressed out, or even BOTH --- my dreams are often related to my falling teeth with bloody gums in my mouth or even mostly...water.:-S) The dream was like this: My family and I went to a (strangely) solitary cottage by some beach. (Was it Anyer? No, I've already been to Anyer Beach many times before and it's always crowded.:P But anyway, that beach looked like nothing in my country.) We'd swum in the ocean, built a sand-castle, and looked as happy as the picture-perfect family.:) The sun was warm and the sea was calm. The whole setting had been crystal clear in my mind's eye. Then suddenly, the setting changed into night-time. I saw my family and I outside the cabin, making barbeque, eating, drinking, chatting, and laughing. I excused myself early and went into the cottage. I entered a bedroom and lied down in bed for a while, but still unable to sleep. Then I heard a scary loud growl and looked out the window. The sky had somehow turned darker than dark, like the colour of danger and menace. The ocean had been covering most of the beach, inching closer to the cottage. The water was dark and murky, with bubbles as well. I felt my stomach churn uncomfortable. I could still hear my family outside, wondering if they too noticed the changes. My entire body went icy-cold when I heard that they were still chatting and giggling, completely oblivious. I'd wanted to rush outside and tell them, but I couldn't even move a muscle. Before I'd even gotten the chance to do anything just yet, the gigantic rolling waves rised sky high... ...and I woke up in my room with the chill.:- Outside, the rain slowly came to a stop. Now, I know what most people will say about this stuff. Dreams are just dreams. They're not for real. Don't worry too much about it. Just let it go. Okay.:P But if you keep experiencing similar things quite often, don't they make you start wondering too? I haven't been to the beach in a long time. No, not since the huge tsunami in December 2005 that hit Sumatra and even since the recent tsunami in Pangandaran Beach, southern part of Java Island. Well, Jakarta's in Java Island too. And, speaking of Jakarta, it's flooded again this rainy season.:( *sighs* Could that possibly be my hidden fear? No way! I've always loved swimming. I mean, I'm not an aqua-phobic. I'm more of a claustrophobic.:| I can't stand elevators and caves. Suffocation can be a pain. Or maybe, it's just nothing as usual.*shrugs* Perhaps they're right.:) I shouldn't worry too much and just let it go. Should I?? Oh, well...*sighs* The Author

ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY
Alright, so far --- I'm feeling a little back to normal.:) I feel a bit guilty I didn't pay much attention to Tiger when he'd told me about his novel project two nights ago.*blushes*:( The last time we talked, I'd been rather too exhausted to think and kind of...distracted. No excuses, girl. Your best friend has helped you a lot with your Teenlit novel project before, and now you should return the favour!:| He didn't come online last night, and I'd tried searching for him this morning.:| Tiger wasn't online, though. Still, it was nice to get to talk to my other pal Al.;) He seems very happy with his new girl now. *sighs* Oh, well. If I can't find him again tonight (knowing he's usually busy on Tuesday with his classes in Leicester, UK), I'll just send him an e-mail --- telling him that he can send me his novel subplots anytime he needs my help.:)*shrugs* I'll be doing all I can and hopefully even more. I know, some friends are seriously concerned with my situation here --- and I'm forever thankful for their support and existence in m