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DRAINED...:(
Right.:|*deep sigh* I haven't been able to update this as much as I usually do. Like I used to. Maybe I must start getting used to this new routine. More (hard) work, less slacking around.:P Honestly, I miss doing my own creative writing.:( I mean, writing teaching concepts in class is a bit similar - but it still feels different. You have to be extra careful not to leave a single gap behind, or else you're as good as dead in front of your students.*blinks* Anyway, not much to report today. I'm tired and that's for sure. Last Monday night, I was so tired I ended up taking the wrong bus home - just because I thought I'd read the number right.:x When I realised my mistake, I quickly got off and spent half an hour walking to Mampang Prapatan until I got the right, alternative one.*sighs* Yesterday, I simply sucked at my class presentation.:(*blushes* Thankfully, they said I did better today. Maybe I should try producing a real freelance writing again this weekend - just to boost my flaking spirit... The Author

(TEMPORARY) DOUBTS (?)
Yesterday, they've just returned the contract that I've already signed.:P A good reminder. Starting now, I can't go anywhere else easily for the next two years. I've already given my college diploma away as a collateral. In case I want to quit sometime in the middle, it takes Rp 3,000,000 to bail my diploma out of their data stockroom. Well, if that ever happens (do I really want that to happen or do I really want this job?), they'll only give me three months to collect the three millions. *gulps* Most of my family and friends over here have told me the same thing: that they're proud of me and they think I can do it and should give it a shot. If you think that the contract is scary (and that I should've thought it over), then I must tell you that I have no choice. They just didn't give me enough time to think it over, but I guess that's just plain normal.*shrugs* That's just the rule, okay? Take it or leave it. Nothing's easy in real (adult) life. I must be able to maintain my mood swings from now on. After all, the real world doesn't always care that you're actually falling apart on the inside. There are too many (bigger) problems out there. I'm silently wondering as I write this: Is this normal? Is this just my temporary doubt creeping in? Will I be able to do everything right? Will I still have my enough spare time out of this? I mean, sometimes the title 'part-time job' can mislead you. They've already said that the MINIMUM is ten hours per week. That means, it can be MORE, right? *deep sigh* Oh, my God. Why am I feeling this way? I hope this is just plain tiredness. All my classmates - the other trainees - wondered just why I was so quiet yesterday. I was just feeling...sort of numb. I don't know why. Please, don't get me wrong. I like hanging out with them. But sometimes, the extroverts just can't understand why I'm not open enough and I need some time alone too. I mean, I can't always go all smiley and cheerful with a loud, exciting voice all the time. Sometimes I just need to...keep quiet and observe. That doesn't mean I don't want people to find out more about me. I still need my own solitude and sanity - that certain stillness inside of me. That's why I rushed home quickly after the preliminary FCE test - alone. (I also wonder: why are most Indonesians always so nosy when it comes to working on such tests? I mean, I know it was difficult, but did they had to vocalize it? It was hard to concentrate while they were groaning and moaning like that!) Today, I just want to relax. The Author

WORRY...:(
Although I'm tired, I still want to write this. Like I've already said before, I'll try to update this as much and often as possible. I can't believe that they're switching the preliminary FCE test sooner.:( (FCE = First Certificate in English). It's tomorrow at three pm - a perfect end to a perfect day.*deep sigh* Oh, well. Whatever.*rolls eyes* I have no other choice but to just deal with it.*shrugs* It'll definitely be in strict British (not American!:P), so I must rely on my minimum skills...and luck. Well, I'm still counting down the days here. Not just for the end of this dreadful training, but also for Nick's visit.;) I'm still praying really hard that nothing will completely ruin our plan together, eventhough if that means I must give up a few little sleeping hours.:| I can't sacrifice my new job ahead (and I also won't, because that'll be too crazy and is really out of the question!), but I also need some spare time - just for him. I've promised him since like months ago, long before I got accepted. I hate having to break promises as much as contracts. Do you think it's way too much to ask and I can't have it all? Hani just texted me, saying she believed that I could handle everything. I want to, so please help me God... I know, I'm worrying too much again.:( The Author

A FEW THINGS AHEAD...
Actually, I've been meaning to write more in here. However, I've been hecticly busy with my new job training activities for teaching English this whole month. Plus, traffic in Jakarta often makes it worse - especially with the unpredictable weather these days.:( Well, what can I say? That's just part of this big city blues. There have been many changes that take pretty much a lot in me to really grasp - bit by bit. They all say it's normal for most people, because it just takes a lot of getting used to. That's just a common reaction. But they all also believe that - sooner or later - I will get the hang of it. After all, I'm a survivor.;) I have to and will survive. Who are "they" I'm referring too, in case you're wondering? Family members and friends. Don't supportive people make you feel blessed?:D Right. If you're also wondering just what kind of changes I've been talking about, here they are: Honestly, sometimes I kind of miss my old, carefree days.:P As a freelance writer, I only needed to worry about my writings and rare income. There was no tight, specific schedule. But, if you ask me whether I'd like to go back there, my answer would be no. I have to keep moving forward, or I'll never grow. After all, in my writer's eyes, I see every job as an experience.:) A topic or a setting for a story. But that was also why I felt rather exhausted after the very first week of the job training.:| Why? My best friend Hani said that it was my normal reaction. My body just started adjusting to my new habits. She said that soon I'd get used to it. Well, that's me.*shrugs* I'm a major-worrier, I must admit.:P Everybody says so. Maybe it also has something to do with me being a crazy perfectionist sometimes. I must settle that matter soon. Yesterday, one of the trainers Mr.Aji told me that I was going to be stationed in Ciputat, South Jakarta next month - somewhere near National Islamic University of Syarif Hidayatullah. No problem. At least that's not so far from my parents' house in Tanah Kusir. The traffic isn't so bad either. I know how to reach there from Blok M too. Just in case, I've already asked Mr.Aji for my absent permission on the third of June. Why?:D I've promised Nick that I'd pick him up at the airport. Yes, he's coming to visit me here for thirteen days. I'm so excited! We've been planning this since like, months ago - and I just want to be the woman of my word. A promise is still a promise. Well, Mr.Aji said okay. Let's just hope that all things go well according to plan, okay? Where will Nick stay? Well, since I'm still living with my parents and polite enough to ask, I've bugged them - especially Mom - about this since months ago. I think it's only fair for them to let him stay with us - even in separate rooms from me.:P Why? For the past one and a half years, Mom's practically let my sister invite her boyfriend-now-fiance D.G.(Dreadful Gatot) to sleep over in the same room with her - very often. Well, although I'm more of an old-fashioned kind, I think this time I need the same priviledge.*big evil grin* The Author

CHANGES...
Changes happen everytime. Some are good or for the better, while others may be bad or for the worse. Sometimes we're ready to accept, but other times - it just takes a lot in us to anticipate and adjust. Well, that's just life. It's normal, because each of us has a different level of adaptation. How do we usually deal with changes? Do we just simply accept everything as it is without questions? Do we feel burdened and wish to avoid even the unavoidable changes? Unconsciously, we often take so many things for granted. We let the stagnation give us comfort. We tend to think that everything will last forever. We even want to believe that and keep it for as long as possible. True, some good, comforting things are hard to let go. But we also don't really know what we've had until it's already long gone. Changes relate to a lot of things around us. They all come in different shapes, sizes, and even speed. Sometimes they're already there, but it takes some time for us to finally realize and accept their presence. Sometimes we can't hardly wait for them to come. Sometimes, we don't even want them at all. We may have already experienced a lot of changes in our lives, but do we ever really take a little time to just be still - and look around with more than just our eyes to see? Do we like what we see? If not, how do we face it wisely? Changes are often unavoidable. But still, I think it's okay for us to want to have some things stay the same. Some precious things are worth the extra effort. But if we can't keep them in our hands for as long as possible, then it's just as good to cherish them while they're still there. They can be our favourite things, people we love, or even just...time. Remember, comfort zone doesn't always last that long. Take your time and make the most of it. Sometimes, it's okay to stop looking forward and worrying about what may come ahead. It's also useless to keep regretting what's already done behind our backs. But it's not wrong to always remember. After all, life is just our eternal lesson. Sometimes, it's necessary to just shut our eyes from other things happening in this chaotic world for a while. Let the drastic changes come abruptly, threatening to crush our concrete-selves within like tsunami waves, while we're focusing on what's still present. It's time to live in the now. It's called taking a short break from reality. The Author

THE LAST ENTRY FOR IRRATIONAL ME (FOR NOW) :P
This will be the last entry for now. Why? The reason is always the same and also very simple. I need a break from this. Yes, people. I really do. I need to write something else beside this. I must admit that sometimes --- venting out way too often and too much too can drain my creativity/creative energy --- or whatever that means. Well, how long will I be away from updating entries here? It all depends on my mood, as usual. Usually, this will take about a month, but could be less. But don't you worry, people, for I'll always be back again.;) Soonest, I hope. In the meantime, I may show up once in a while to check out other entries.:) This has been more like a support group and a therapy for me. Speaking of my mood, yesterday was strangely horrible for me.:( I'm well aware that it's just my 'time of the month' again, and I'm usually calm enough while dealing with my 'mood swings'. I mean, I'm supposed to do it well, but not yesterday, though. I was just sooo emotionally unstable, and I HATED IT!:x *deep sigh* It just took a whole lot in me to just appear calm on the outside, while I was silently crumbling to pieces. No kidding. Men can mock us women about that all they like, because they just have no idea. Thank God this never has to happen to them!:P I've been quiet all yesterday. Too quiet, until Menti asked me in the morning what was going on with me. I shrugged it off, saying that it was just my stomach-ache. I'd rather keep quiet than snapping without a reason at all. Believe me, it's all for everyone's sakes!*big evil grin* But worst of all, whenever I was all alone, I just couldn't stop crying. Why? If only I could put my finger on.:( It just happened. How crazy was that? Since I also couldn't sleep well last night, I ended up texting Nick's cellphone: "I'm still awake. I can't sleep. What are you doing there right now?" Surprisingly (or maybe I shouldn't really be surprised at all, knowing what a real sweetheart he really is ;) ), he suddenly called. Just like that.:) I didn't ask him to (actually, I hardly do, although I really don't mind at all.) It was the most comforting eleven minutes I've ever felt in the wee hours.:D Just from hearing his sweet, soft voice on the phone --- and all of my invisible demons just vanished in the shadows. Me, the tomboy who always wants to appear tough (but I guess I'm not always that tough.) I was finally able to sleep at two am. And I had to wake up at six to deliver catering orders today.:| Despite still having the fog in my eyes (or perhaps it's from the heavily polluted air in Jakarta called 'smog' *rolls eyes*), I'm feeling much better today.:) My sanity has returned home. Well, be sure to wait for my next adventures in life. Hopefully, my new job in the future won't eat up all of my precious time, because I still want to maintain my social life, have fun, and...write. Yes, I still remember my true purpose in getting a real, stable job for a while: to (financially) support my writing career more. After all, writing is my true passion.:D Nick's also coming to Jakarta this June.:) I can't hardly wait! The Author

CRAZY TRAFFIC: A CURSE OR A BLESSING IN DISGUISE?
As a big city girl, I'm so used to crazy traffic. Please, don't get me wrong. That doesn't really mean that I will ever begin to like it, especially when it seems to get crazier today. Luckily, I'm not driving. I don't even own a driving's liscence yet, but that's just another story (with another reason too). Someday I will get to drive my own car, but not here --- and definitely not right now. Mondays might be the worst with the traffic, but --- the truth is --- everyday is often almost just the same. Even passengers on the public transportations aren't exactly stress-free from the traffic. There are times standing on the crawling bus when all I ever want to do is just sit home with a book, a stereo on, and a glass of something really cold. For example, when I got out to work at six-seven am --- it would only take at least an hour. But now, I'm considered lucky enough to have shown up after an hour and a half --- or even two! These days, you need to get up at five to beat the traffic, but it turns out that most people think the same way. Imagine that. Crazy traffic has caused more negative effects. (No wonder and no surprise.) It steals people's decent sleeping hours, because they have to wake up super early in order not to be late for work and lose their job. But unfortunately, they also have to sleep very late because they're losing valuable time on the road and have no choice but to bring the workload home. The same thing happens to school students, which causes more stress and lack of concentration during classes. It clearly disturbs people's productivity in school and at work. Unfortunately, many people just make it worse. If you ever use the sidewalks for pedestrians in Jakarta, beware of...motorcycles passing by there! No, I am so not joking here. Most of the motorcyclists do that because they want to beat the traffic, despite the fact that it's totally against the rule. Worst of all, the traffic police officers hardly do a thing about it. In fact, a local TV news has covered the issue on the spot and asked every motorcyclist caught on tape. Most of them refused to be interviewed or even show their faces behind their helmets, so they just rode off. But some were not too ashamed to open up and admit: "Want to know why we're doing this everyday? It's because of the traffic!" The government of Jakarta has provided several busway lanes for their Trans-Jakarta buses to reduce the heavy traffic. They've even constantly encouraged the citizens to use public transportations more than private vehicles. The government has also regulated the "three-in-one" hours on the main roads. It is to require at least three people inside one (private) vehicle, from morning (seven to ten am) to after office hours (4:30 to seven pm). However, the government also allows people to sell and buy more private vehicles like motorcycles and cars, while the road capacity remains the same. What an irony. Despite all of the stated facts above, there's a not-so-surprising saying in Jakarta: "Crazy traffic gives a safe excuse for lazy people to be late or even avoid attendances." For example, you can wake up late, slack around at home, and then tell your boss you're still on your way there. (But please, be sure to know that your boss is not the kind to catch up with local traffic reports on the news if you really want to do this.) I remember my friend Patrick's old radio show in a local station. One night, a male caller told him that his girlfriend was an understanding person whenever he showed up late for their dates. The same old safe excuse he used was: "Traffic." "Really?" Patrick had sounded really surprised. "My girlfriend would be very angry if I did that." So, is crazy traffic a constant curse, or a blessing in disguise? Whatever it is to each of us, it has become part of the big city life we can't avoid easily --- or even faced lightly. The Author

THE SUNBURN AND A FRENCH MOVIE
Well, last Sunday, I finally decided to hang out with the girls in Monas (Monumen Nasional - The National Monument), Central Jakarta again. This time, I was only with the crazy sisters Hani and Ragil.:P Surprisingly, we spotted a mobile library (a van full of books from a local library) stopping by inside the Monas area. So, we sat down to read for a while before the van took off at one pm. Their cousin Dedi came by to join us. He was such a quiet guy, but maybe that was to be expected --- especially with three noisy girls.*big evil grin* We all had lunch in KFC in Sarinah Building again like last week. I checked my ATM account and there...my money from my published short story. Thank you, SPICE!:D After that, Hani and I watched a French movie "Love Is In The Air" in Blitz, while Ragil and Dedi took off earlier. I'm glad I decided to stick around to watch it, because the movie was dead funny!:D*giggles* It was a smart comedy I wish I could write myself.:P It's a story about a man named Yann Kerbec who's been playing safe most of his youth, only to find that --- in this fragile, yet unpredictable life --- sometimes you must risk everything in order to have it all. At seven pm, Hani and I parted and took our different buses. I returned to Buncit. Emir greeted me at his place with a remark: "Thank God I've finally had some company here. I've been all alone since five and it's just scary!" "Aww, I'm sorry."*big evil grin* I remembered that my brother was away to pick up our sister and D.G. at the airport from Surabaya, and Mom was with him too. (No surprise.:P) I must admit, I used to believe that guys feared almost nothing like they often bragged --- but hey, they're only humans too. Hehe.*big evil grin* Besides, I also looked at my cute cousin and thought to myself: "Come on, he's still a kid." "That's okay," Emir replied casually. Then he called to order delivery for our dinner while I headed to the bathroom for a shower. Man, the weather was so freaking hot outside!:| Worst of all, I had pretty serious burn on my face. (Surprise, surprise --- even something like this could also happen to an Asian girl with a perfect tan.*rolls eyes*) The complexion on my face and neck was so much darker then on my entire body. My nose was red. I touched it and...ouch, it hurt.:( Stinging like a real bitch. And it still feels tad sore today, although not as much. Mom told me not to touch it for a while and use "Pinocare" to heal the burn. he even reminded me to put on an SPF 30 and wear a hat next time outdoor. Many thanks to global warming.*scoffs* How was my interview today? Okay, I guess. It's not that I don't care if I'm going to get the job or not. It's just...I don't want to worry too much about it. Remember, I'm not a lazy brat who quits easily.;) By tomorrow, I'm going to say goodbye to this fun sanctuary at Emir's place and go back home. Time to re-enter reality as it is. The Author

IN A SANCTUARY :P
I'm still staying at my cousin Emir's place in Warung Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta, with my brother now.:) Believe it or not, this place has become sort of an earthly paradise or a sanctuary for me. No parental guidance (don't get me wrong, Uncle Asoka and Aunt Ria are cool people!:P). Good food (and I must watch out for my weight!*big evil grin*) Indovision cable TV. So much to read (from newspapers to books). Air-conditioned rooms (especially with the freakingly hot weather outside these days!:|) And most especially --- the internet connection.;) I just chatted with Nick this morning. I haven't done that in a very long time. I've missed him. But not for long.:) All I have to do is wait for June 3rd --- the day he'll come to visit me here in Jakarta. Then I hope we'll get to have real fun together for the the next two weeks! I'm going to meet Hani and the girls again tomorrow like we did last week. I know that we've had real fun together, but I'm not sure I can stay long with them this time. Hani wants us to go see a French movie (with an English subtitle, thankfully!:P) at 4:30 pm in Blitz after hanging out in Monas, but I might possibly need a serious break before my ten am interview on Monday after that. The traffic here can be a total bitch sometimes, so unpredictable. But I still need a long walk with them, especially after I've been eating like a complete hog today.*big evil grin* Well, I think I'm just going to have fun with my own little world now before it ends and I'm back to reality. I'm planning to go home this evening to choose my proper outfit for Monday. The Princess Brat and D.G. have been in Surabaya since Friday and are probably going back today. Like Nick's agreed: a room to breathe for me...:P But hey, I'm not too worried about that anymore. There's another bigger issue. A few days ago, triggered by a dumb documentary called "Fitna" by.that asshole Dutch journalist Geert Wilders, my country's government's reacted hysterically by suddenly banning YouTube and several other sites.:( Thankfully, public protests have somehow made them cancel it. However, I'm still silently worried. Regardless the issue, I've already known what kind of people who work in the government. They'll use any excuse to justify all the shits they want to do. That's why, I have no more respect for any of them there. I still love my country here, but I refuse to pay ridiculously expensive taxes just so they can corrupt more and dupe the citizens with their senseless policies. Hell, no!:x Next time that happens again, I'd rather be out of here. I've collected two cut-outs about scholarships abroad. Do I want to try them? Who knows??*shrugs* The Author

THE LONGEST DAYS
*deep sigh* It's been the longest couple of days. I'll try to write the whole things down here. Two nights ago, Monica from SPICE! finally called me. She said the financial staff couldn't transfer my money (for my published short story in their last month's issue), because my account was inactive. I sort of panicked and couldn't sleep well that night.:O Yesterday was another catering order and...Mom's birthday!:D Menti, my brother, and I had gone to buy a chocolate cake for her from a shop at Jl.Jambu in Menteng, and then we headed to "Daeng Tata" (a Makassarian restaurant) for lunch. I should've ordered the same grilled ribs like they did, because my noodles tasted rather...yucky.:| Maybe next time, when Nick visits Jakarta on June as he promised.;) After that, I rushed to the bank. Thank God it didn't take long to have my old account re-activated. Then I texted Monica's cellphone number, suggesting her to try transferring again. Seconds later, she suddenly called: "Err...I thought you'd come to my office to get your money here." .......................... ??? *giggles* Finally, I just told her: "Umm, you didn't notify me about that." "Oh, okay." Oh, well.:P Since last night, I've stayed over at Emir's in Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta with my brother. His parents have specifically asked my brother to watch Emir while they're still in Saudi Arabia to perform their umroh rituals this week. Me? I just needed to get closer to ILP (International Language Program) in Pasar Minggu, Pancoran. I mean, I've just been there today, working on their English test at ten this morning. Guess what?:) They want me to come again for an interview at ten on Monday --- at the same place.:D The Author

THE RARE INNOCENCE
Last Sunday evening at McDonald's in Sarinah Building, Thamrin, Central Jakarta, I witnessed something really amazing most of us would usually take no notice or even miss. (What a shame.) I'm glad I've seen such rarirt these days. In the playground area, I saw these four random kids play together. Obviously, they didn't know each other but seemed to get along very well. There was a Turkish little boy (I sort of guessed that because I've seen his parents sitting nearby, watching him as they talked in foreign language I couldn't understand), probably about six or seven from his posture. He was a handsome and friendly brunet. He smiled a lot. He seemed to be enjoying himself there, playing with the three little girls. There was a cute Indian girl, a sweet-looking Chinese girl, and a tiny Indonesian infant. The boy obviously enjoyed their attention on him too, because he then decided to take their tiny hands in his in turns as they climbed the plastic steps together. The Chinese girl happened to be the shy one, because at first --- she only looked at him until he extended his pale hand with a smile. What a little gentleman. When it was finally time for the young Turkish prince to go home, the Chinese princess only watched him in silence as the boy's parents took him away. From there, I could tell that there was a feeling of loss. Aww. It's just rare kind of innocence I got to notice once in a while these days. Seeing the children play together that night has somehow made me feel reminded of what I've silently been missing so much, especially with the complexities of adulthood. I mean, how often do we really look at each other and just get along without certain prejudice of skin colour, race, religion, or even gender? I hope we all can look at these pure souls and learn from their childlike tranquility and strength to face life as it is. I hope we all get to realize what we've already lost and forgotten. May we be able to re-learn and embrace what we often take for granted. The Author

A SUNNY SUNDAY FOR FOUR GIRLS :)
Well, nothing happened yesterday but pure fun. In the morning, I got to chat with Nick.:) And Tiger too, after a very, very long time. I guess God's answered my prayer again. This time, it's a quick one.*giggles* Then I went to Monas (Monumen Nasional - The National Monument) to meet Hani and crew. Hani was already there with her sister Ragil and friend Barir from KPI (Koalisi Perempuan Indonesia - Indonesian Women's Coalition). The four of us girls really had a great time together.:D A long walk around the huge area in Monas, lunch at KFC in Sarinah Building (although Hani always prefers McDonald's better.:P) We even prayed at Masjid Istiqlal --- a peaceful sanctuary right in the heart of this awfully busy city.:) No kidding. After that, Barir had to leave early, so the two (crazy) sisters and I headed back to Monas and sat on an unoccupied park bench by the pond. What did we do most of the time there?:P More talks and laughter. We even joked about some couples around who were obviously performing P.D.A.(Public Displays of Affection). Yuck! But still, we were tolerant enough not to be so nosy.*big evil grin* Besides, who the hell are we anyway? It's a public space. We're no hypocrites to judge other people's morality. Anyway, as the sky darkened, rain started to pour. Ragil left early, while Hani and I headed back to Sarinah for dinner at...McDonald's (figures.:P) When the rain finally stopped at around after eight, she and I went our separate ways. The fun was over. But at least, she might be right about one thing. That damn stalker was only bluffing about coming over to my house. How do I know? I haven't heard from him (and hopefully never will again.) Not any of my family member mentioned a thing or two about a stranger looking for me at home. I hope he wasn't there to spy on my family too.:(*shudders* You know how stalkers really are... I hope it'll never get worse. Because if it does, then I'll have no choice but to involve the local authority and everybody around me...:x The Author

A HEATED SATURDAY AND...ANOTHER STALKER???:|
Alright, after shooting off all my negative vibes in previous entry, I'm feeling much better now. I needed that. Maybe, half of the entire entry I was typing was chiefly influenced by my stupid PMS or anything else like that. (The funny thing is, I've promised myself that I'll never easily blame my PMS for my emotional imbalance.*blushes*) Anyway, I wasn't really thinking straight.:P Now? I don't know. I'm not so sure.*big evil grin* Why don't you tell me as you read this entry? I haven't talked to Tiger yet in what seems like almost forever.:( I miss him. I miss his wisdom, laughter, silly jokes, and even his singing voice. Don't get me wrong. He's still my best friedn and will always be --- I'm sure of that.:) Besides, we've been through a lot. I care about him. It's normal to miss your best friend like this, don't you think? The last time I checked his blog entries, he's got stories to tell to.:) I'm glad that he's finally made some sort of peace with his breakup with her (well, I hope it's for real and for good.) I can understand his loneliness, though. There are times when a crowd of people you know just can't help. It's just not enough. Still, I seriously pray that his ex will never ever mess him around again like she did too many times before.:| Enough is enough. No more. From his last message to me, Tiger said he wanted us to chat online again --- just like good old times.:) I really want that. It's been a long time. I also got to know one of his college friends there in UK --- a guy named Paul.;) You see, Tiger gave him his old blog account and Paul found my old messages there. Curious, he traced them and sent me a message, saying that Tiger had told him about me. And Tiger's just had a new job interview too.:) Lucky him. I hope he'll get it. I miss talking to Nick too.:) I can't wait for June to come. Want to know why? He's coming to visit Jakarta.:D Well, I've finally got an inside info from MRA Printed Media about why my payment for my published story last month is still delayed.:| My college best friend Pumpkin (who works at Cosmopolitan Indonesia) told me that even models got paid late. He even suggested that I wait patiently for another week. Oh, well.*sighs* Not much I can do about it right now. Saturday was freaking hot. My sister was having a garage sale with her friends at Panglima Polim. The displayed stuff were tempting (I caught two cute bags --- one with a printed kitty pic on and another made of black denim and red leathered straps, a pair of casual loafers, a pair of trousers, cool vintage novels, etc.), but I could only buy a secondhand teenlit novel and Stephen Curtis Chapman's album. Besides, I couldn't stand the heat outside. Guess what? I have a stalker again.:( A different cellphone number, but I suspected it was still the same guy. Why? It's from the way he texts me. Believe me, I can tell.*rolls eyes* And he said he wanted to visit me home today.*shudders* Hani said it might possibly be just his bluff, so I'll keep ignoring him. Besides, I'm going to meet Hani at eleven in Monas (Monumen Nasional - National Monument) today. But I'll leave the stalker's number here again, just in case you people want to 'play' with it: 62-81359286518 *big evil grin* Go ahead. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with stupid stalkers myself. The Author

THESE HARD TIMES
Oftentimes, I seriously wonder if my life is really that 'interesting' to talk about, because --- whenever I come online to update an entry --- I often have a lot to write in. There are stories to tell, whether it's just about me or anything going on around me. Am I really that boring, or am I just thinking --- and feeling --- way too much about a lot of things? Do I need to get a real life instead of just sitting and typing here more and more often? Do I need to be ignorant just once in a while, so I won't have to keep writing about everything? *deep sigh* I don't know.:| I can't answer those questions I silently ask myself from time to time, so...*shrugs* Last Tuesday night, all of our extended family gathered at Aunt Ria's place in Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta. Uncle Asoka, Aunt Ria, and Aunt Yanti are going to have their umroh rituals in Arab (and they're flying away today), so we gathered for a small feast to wish them well. The food was awesome!:D Rice, fried noodles, Sundanese tofu, sayur asam (acidly tasty vegetables), chicken with rojak spices, and Mom's fettuccine. I even managed to snag a few candy and chocolate bars from their fridge (naughty me!*giggles*) I also borrowed their PC to go online for a while, checking mails and blogs. Since Emir already logged on to YouTube, I just played my favourite video "Digging The Grave" by.Faith No More from there. I've wanted to borrow more books from Emir and Uncle Asoka, but I guess that can wait. I still haven't finished reading another borrowed from Hani. It's called "Tarian Dari Langit" (Dances From The Sky) --- an anthology of short stories by local authors with the same theme: a tribute to all tsunami victims in Aceh and Nias Island back in December 26, 2004.:( Sad stories, but at least they help me to remember how lucky I still am --- despite...umm, my reality. And besides, I want to write more than reading these days. Writing helps me keep my sanity. It's my therapy. Wednesday morning was another catering order. It was also the very last day to freely open my mouth to complain about my own personal Twilight Zone at home, to any family member around.:( Menti was right. It's no use. Keeping quiet is the only way. These days, you can't trust anyone with your deep, dark secrets --- even your own family. They don't always understand you. Even worse, sometimes they just won't even bother. They prefer listening (and trusting) an outsider. They give me no choice. They make me do the same thing they all do now. I learn from the best. From now on, that's what I'll be doing. It's just me, my diary, and a few people that I trust who really (want to) understand me. And God too, of course.:P But Menti was dead wrong about me not being empathic enough. I know about her problems with debt collectors, but if she wanted me to just shut the fuck up and stop bitching about my jobless life these days, then why the hell didn't she just say so? I mean, I'm more than well-aware that we all have our own problems. This is just life. But, why do I get the impression that I'm never allowed to vent openly and my problems aren't that serious? Why do get the impression that I'm such a selfish brat by doing so? Why is it always about other people? What about me?! Okay, fine. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit here. If I weren't that empathic, then I wouldn't feel easily touched by those who suffer more than I do. I'd be cold and emotionally dead from the inside. Care to tell the difference here? But, do you know what? Maybe empathy is no longer enough. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. Without real action, it's only useless pity. Pathetic!*rolls eyes* If complaining about my life (like most other normal people do) can only mean getting myself easily accused as being less empathic, then fine. I'll say no more. I'll just pretend D.G. is not controlling my entire family and my dearest sister isn't The Princess Brat Mom considers as her darling daughter. (I mean, she can complain about a lot of little things in her life and still gets away with it!) Hell, I can do that! I've used my plastic smile more often these days. I mean, why not? No problem.*shrugs* Besides, it's clearly what they all need and expect from me. Unconditional understanding and acceptance.(Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*) In other words, if next time someone asks me if I'm actually okay, I'll just shrug and simply say yes, although my fake smile actually wants to say: "No, but for you...I can pretend."*big evil grin* No, seriously. And when it's my right time to leave my parents' house as The Princess Brat and D.G. get married and move in, I'll make sure I already have a stable job and enough money for all of that. No, I'm not that stupid and too emotional. I've already considered this long ago, even before D.G. stepped in and entered the picture. This is not only because of them, but more about me. This is not just what I really want, but also what I truly need. A key to my true freedom, independence, and...sanity. And I can't make them all understand me, so I won't even bother. Explaining things will only waste my time. I'm thinking about shooting the rest of SPICE!'s new editorial staff with a revolver now, because they haven't paid me for my published short story yet as promised.:| How unprofessional is that? The Author

FREELANCE WRITING BLUES
I'm a freelance writer. Usually, I write for contests, magazines and other printed media. Although I've already had a few of my works published, I'm still (not) considered a famous author yet. But anyway, that still doesn't stop me from writing and trying to get my work published. That's just what I do. That's my true passion. However, regarding my recent status, there are times when I must deal with serious problems. It's just part of reality I can't deny. One of them is my financial situation (especially since I lost my previous, regular job at a restaurant). First, unlike your most regular office jobs, you don't get your monthly salary from this. If it gets too much, you have no choice but to rely on a regular (despite rather undesirable) job for your daily basic needs. It's almost like an aspiring actor/musician/painter waiting tables before getting their first big break/gig. Second, the star treatment. Of course, when you're already a somebody with an already best-selling novel (especially if it later becomes a blockbuster hit on big screens!), you get more acknowledgement, respect, and --- of course --- money. But what if you're still (considered) a nobody? Believe me, they're not putting your name on their first priority list. That's totally obvious and I don't need to say more. They think it's okay to let you wait long enough. Sometimes, they just want you to sit down, wait, and keep your mouth shut until you get paid. But what if they forget that and keep you waiting even longer than necessary? Well, they might easily blame you for NOT reminding them that. But if you constantly do remind them until you'll get what you're supposed to get, they might think you're being annoyingly impatient. I've already had three of my works published in the same local magazine. Three times. Before the third charm, I had no problem at all. They promised me two weeks, and I found the money transferred into my account on time. However, with the new staff in the editorial, somehow my last paycheck still gets delayed. I've already complained to the new secretary three times and even to the new chief editor once (which --- I must admit --- in order to give the secretary a hard time for neglecting my complaint), but Ms.Chief Editor said I should check with her secretary --- AGAIN! It's been over three weeks already and I still receive...none.:( My friend Hani suggests that I keep bugging them until I get what's rightfully mine they've promised me. She said it was a class discrimination and I must fight. I hope I'm not being impatient, but I truly need the money. The Author

NO PRANKS FOR FOOLS TODAY
Hey, it's another new month already! April Fools' Day, I know. Last year, I had real fun with Patrick and friends at "Speak-Out's Gathering" in Surya Pemandu School, Jelambar, West Jakarta.:) It was a long time ago, but still feels like yesterday. Good times. I miss those Sunny Sundays. Well, what about today? Honestly, I don't feel like pulling any pranks on other people. I'm just not in the mood. Or maybe, I just can't find the right victims.:P .......................... *giggles* But anyway, I have a pretty interesting story about last Sunday. In fact, as I'm typing this, I still find it hard to believe.:D I've already finished reading "Unveiling Claudia" by.Daniel Keyes on Sunday. Wanting to return that book to my cousin Emir soon, I decided to show up in Panglima Polim early. My prediction was right. Emir and her parents - Uncle Asoka and Aunt Ria - showed up. After I returned the book, I had the chance to show them a local anthology with my short story in it.:) The three of them were quite impressed with how serious I am with my writing career.:P Then suddenly, Uncle Asoka (who also gave me a free ticket to see Java Jazz Festival on early March this year) sat me down and talked to me. He said he understood why I love writing so much. It's just me and my world, he said. It's just the way I am. He knows why there are so many people out there in the world who think I'm such a total freak. The reason is very simple: they just don't get me. They don't understand me. (And I also know that some of them even won't, especially by wanting me to change and sacrifice my true idealism just to be the kind of person they want me to be.*rolls eyes*) Surprisingly, he also suggested that I didn't need to worry too much about not getting a (stable, real) job yet. In fact, I shouldn't worry about not finding it. I can start creating my own. I should keep doing what I'm already doing and simply commit to that --- no matter what. I have the true potential that deserves to go public. He said not many people are like me. It's time to let them all know what I'm really capable of.:) And, in order to support my writing career, Uncle Asoka promised me...one of his old PCs. But he also insisted that I MUST 100% commit to my writing career, or else he'd twist my earlobes.:P He said that if he had a heart to do that to his own sons (Emir and his older brother Rizki), he could do that to his niece.*big evil grin* .......................... Seriously, I'd wanted to cry.:'-) I'd wanted to cry and hug him right there and then, but I knew better not to. I've known him as the expressionless man who's not into mushy stuff (probably the result of having only two sons at home!) But the great thing is, he still cares. I know he does. And I know he's meant business. He really understands me a lot, more than Dad actually does. (A sore point I must accept). Of course, I only said thanks to him.:) (And I only promise myself that I'll keep on writing. Enough said.) Yesterday, I spent most of the day outside with Mom (while silently plotting a new story for my writing inside my head.) She looked rather pale in the morning, so I didn't want her to go out alone. We picked "Hoka Hoka Bento" in D'Best, Fatmawati, South Jakarta for lunch. After that, more natural color returned in her face. The food was yummy!:) I also met one of my old high school classmates Dinda. She looked beautiful. She just finished her post-grad program (oh, how I envy her!:|) and is getting married soon. She said she'd send me the invitation soon!:D (And I'm glad that Mom didn't press that QUESTION: "How about you?"*big evil grin*) Other than that, yesterday was pretty okay to me.:) I felt like I had the old Mom back, long before D.G. came and took her away from me.:( And this time, I hope she stays. The Author

SURVEY VS. REALITY
Again, my friend Hani just sent me a great idea for this entry --- via text message yesterday. I don't know why, but it just hit me instantly the moment I read it. And of course, I should give her a credit for this. Hani said she'd read a survey on "Intisari" (a local version of the popular "Readers' Digest") about...umm, Indonesian people. Our people. It was stated that despite being very poor (well, most of us here anyway), Indonesians were also (considered) the happiest. Surprise, surprise. I don't mean to sound sarcastic about this, but I just can't help it. I've already seen reality. The fact is there. I agree with Hani. That survey is a total nonsense. However, we have our different reasons. She said sometimes true happiness doesn't always involve money or other material things. Happiness already lives within us and all we have to do is just search for it. True. I believe that too. However, I'd like to add: Honestly, I silently wonder if they've also read about a first-grade school boy's suicide in a village in Kendal, Central Java. He was from a very poor family. His father only makes a small living from driving a becak (a tri-cycle cart for a public transportation in villages and small towns). His mother has been long gone. The boy only lived with his blind grandmother most of the time at home. Poverty only made him able to eat once a day. Surprisingly, that didn't stop him from being a smart student and getting good grades in school, one of his teachers stated proudly. He was also well-liked by his classmates. However, he often felt really sick with his gastro problem. Still, he never wanted to skip school. Then one day, he didn't show up. His teacher thought it was unusual. When he decided to visit the boy's house right after school, he found the biggest shock of his life. The poor student was found hanging in his bedroom, with a plastic rope tightly around his neck. He couldn't stand his illness anymore. Meanwhile, I believe we've all seen our day-to-day irony. For all of us who at least still have enough money to fulfil our basic needs, how often do we complain about being unhappy? How often do we say: "It's not fair. I should earn more than this"? And how often do we realise that --- somehow --- we've already let our happiness only be defined by material things? No, I'm not going to state that we don't need money and material things to be happy, or believe that money can buy everything --- even happiness. Both sound hypocritical. I believe that depends on us and how we perceive life. Is ignorance bliss? Maybe. Sometimes it helps us from being unhappy, but not completely. After all, too much ignorance can lead to selfishness --- and then emptiness. As an Indonesian myself, I must say that I don't believe in that survey. In reality, everything is relative. Nothing is always a 100% certain. In other words, one survey doesn't define all. The generalization isn't all valid. The Author

JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY
I forgot to mention that yesterday, my dear brother cooked very delicious lunch for all of us in Panglima Polim. (Too bad our sister was still at work, so she missed it.:P) Fried fish and tempe penyet (crunched soy bean cakes cooked with spices --- Surabayan style.) Since I'm not really into hot spicy stuff, he was considerate enough not to put too much chilli in it.:) Sweet. I guess that's why I fell asleep instantly after lunch.:P I didn't want to, because I consider that a waste of time. Thankfully, a phone call from Nick woke me up.;) Honestly, I can't hardly wait for him to come visit me on June 3rd. So anyway, I stayed in Panglima Polim until I noticed that Dreadful Gatot showed up at night with his gray scooter.*rolls eyes* His familiar black bag was on a couch in the living room. Dad, who'd been sitting in front of the computer and playing games, just told me he was here but had no more clue exactly where. I suspected that he must've gone upstairs to The Almost Twins' shared room again. (Believe me, he's already considered that as his own as well.:|) I couldn't believe that Gatot hardly notified Dad as some sort of decent courtesy to the elders, like all Javanese youngsters really should. He's already 30, for God's sake!*scoffs* Where was his manner, btw? I decided to go to my favourite cybercafe nearby to update an entry. I kept playing Shinedown's "Save Me" (sent by Tiger) to help me temporarily 'escape' to another universe.:( Anywhere safe within my head. Crazy, huh? Suddenly, a woman came by next to me and simply broke my reverie. I looked up at her and she smiled at me, asking, "Are you Indira's little sister?" "Yeah." "She's in the photo gallery next door with your mother." "Oh, okay." Then she left me alone. Minutes later, it was Mom's turn to show up and asked how long I'd be online. An hour was my only answer and then she left. I thanked God she didn't seem to understand what I'd been typing for my previous entry that night. No matter what, I still never want to hurt her feelings. I love her.:( When I returned to Grandpa's, my family and D.G. (Dreadful Gatot) were already there. Mom offered me dinner brought by him. Please, don't get me wrong here. Although I still don't like that guy, I still want to be polite and appreciative with people's gifts. The good thing is, Mom insisted on buying a local anthology with my short story in it and let me have the rest of her money. I guess that means she still cares, right?:) The Author

SUNDAY, HELLISH SUNDAY
I think I've just begun to have a slight disorientation with time, thanks to my still jobless situation here. I had to correct my previous entry. It was supposed to be a Saturday afternoon, not Sunday. There. I've finally done it. What did actually happen on Sunday? I have a little doubt about telling this, but...oh, well.*shrugs* Whatever.*rolls eyes* I've already talked about this with Nick before. (This means I have nothing new to write here for you to read, I'm afraid.:P*smirks*) My parents fought again --- this time about no enough money for my sister's wedding with that dreadful Gatot on July 6.:( Mom wanted Dad to at least help her figure a way out, but all he ever said was: "I don't know", as if it only meant: "I have no more ideas left. You figure the rest out." Period.*scoffs* Then she sobbed for over two hours at home, in the bathroom. I was outside eating some cheap snack I bought from a small vendor nearby and sitting alone in the front porch. From the window, I could see him at the dining table, pouring a glass of water for himself. I hated his stone-cold expression.:x How the hell could he pretend that nothing happened? I'd wanted to rush in there and shake him awake, yelling at his face: "Just wake up and stop being an oblivious to reality, you delirious old man!" But no, as far as I've known all my life, Asian children don't do that to their parents. We're not taught to and I won't, no matter how angry I am. Anyway, I escaped for a long walk alone. Just me and my shadow under the scorching sun above. Surprisingly, my entire body went a little cold, but I guess that's just what usually happens when you try your hardest to suppress your negative emotions within. Anger, grief, whatever. I didn't want to cry. I hate crying in public. A few familiar neighbours smiled at me and tried to make a small talk. I hoped my fake smile looked convincing enough. I just needed to be left alone for a while. The sound of Mom crying just silently made me tick. I could feel my jaw tighten. It hurt like a bitch. By the time I returned, everything was dead quiet. Mom was sitting at the dining table, nursing her headache with a cup of coffee. Her eyes were swollen. I said nothing and went straight into my room. I finally managed to choke back my own tears by listening to the radio on my cellphone and reading "Unveiling Claudia" by.Daniel Keyes --- borrowed from my cousin. Good distractions. That night, Mom and I left home and crashed at Grandpa's with The Almost Twins in Panglima Polim. By Monday, everything went back to normal. Thankfully, we had catering orders on Tuesday. The Author

WHY I STILL REFUSE TO SET FOOT IN TANGERANG
Last Sunday afternoon, I went to Blitz Megaplex in Grand Indonesia, Sudirman, Central Jakarta, to watch a poetry performance by the students of CCF (Centre Culturel Francais) at two. My friend Hani takes French lessons at CCF, and she went to meet me there with her landlady Mbak Bina. Although the show was pretty cool, I'm not going to talk about that here. The three of us were chatting while waiting for the next performance, when suddenly two girls nearby overheard and interrupted our conversation about literature. Noticing their genuine interest, we invited them in. The next thing we knew, there was a brief of casual introduction among each other. The girls' names were Gita and Rian. The tall, slender Gita is a reporter for a local news magazine and also a part-time translator. (The last thing I could still recall from our conversation was that she was working on Oprah Winfrey's autobiography!) Since she also writes poetry and flash fiction, she was soon lost in an exciting conversation with Hani. Same interest. Meanwhile, Rian writes short stories and novels like I do. While she and I were discussing Mary Higgins Clark, Hani suddenly asked them about where they lived. Rian said: "Casablanca" (a border between Sudirman and Kuningan). When Gita said: "Tangerang" (a town outside Jakarta), I couldn't help but shudder. My first reaction was: "I still refuse to visit that town until they will forever stop using that stupid law! " "Yeah, I know what you mean." If you're confused, I'll take you back to 2006: Thanks to Tangerang's stupid law no:8/2008, no women feel safe outside --- especially at night. Why? It is stated that if they're (considered) looking 'suspicious' (and I still wonder just what the hell that means!), they will be deemed as prostitutes and can get arrested. Of course, the hypocrite government claimed that it was just intentionally made to 'protect' women. The worst news I can never forget (and nor even forgive) was what happened on March 2006. A teacher's wife who was just on her way home from work at a dine-in got arrested. Sadly, she was never given a chance to defend herself nor even call her husband at home. At that time, she was two months pregnant. "We're still fighting for it to be banished for good," admitted Hani, who's also part of KPI (Komisi Perempuan Indonesia - Indonesian Women's Commission). "That's part of huge gender discrimination in our country." "Yeah, it sucks," Gita agreed. "I have to show them my press ID every night on my way home. But lately, things have been less than strict about that. Maybe it's a good sign that people start thinking how utterly useless and stupid the whole idea is." I hope so too. Maybe someday, I will be able to visit that town --- without fear nor anger for the obvious injustice, and also MINUS the injustice as well. The Author

THE (NON) QUEUING HABIT
Yesterday, I was quite stunned to hear the news from Palembang. There were so many people wanting to see the phenomenal movie "Ayat-Ayat Cinta" / The Verses of Love (from the national best-selling novel of the same title by Habiburrahman El-Shirazy). However, as they started to push forward in the queuing line to buy tickets, a local girl got accidentally slammed against the window booth --- smashing the glass. She didn't get the chance to watch the movie that day. Instead, shards of glass had sent her to the ER and given her 25 stitches! Sympathizing her situation, one of the senior cast showed up at her home to give her free tickets from MD Entertainment (the producer of the movie.) Of course, she finally got to watch it in the end. At first, you might think: "Lucky girl." Lucky??? Actually, I'm not that surprised by my people's (non) queuing habit. But I was still pretty much shocked (and upset) by the dangerous effect such habit can possibly cause on people themselves. Of course, as usual --- it's always started from basic ignorance. "It's already a common habit around here," most of them will usually say. Others will also support with obvious apathy, "There's no use in trying to make things right and change them all, especially if there are already way too many of them doing-" or should I emphazise, not doing "-it." "Everyone else is like that," I've already heard this justification too many times before, especially from those whose big-sized ego just won't allow them to take the blame and be responsible. "So, why aren't we?" Unfortunately, most people have been already too used to it they consider it as part of normality. That's just what happens everyday here. For example, people who are using the elevators. Most of them will usually crowd in front of the double-doors, impatiently waiting for those to open. But when the doors open, they rush inside all at once --- not even bothering to give some decent space for others who want to get out first! The same thing happens at Trans-Jakarta bus corridors, train stations, and even concerts. If there are strict security guards ambling by, we're still lucky. But if not? Well, since most people still lack discipline but have too much arrogance in them, acting childish is all they do. If they're being reminded by those few who want to politely queu in line like any decent citizen in public places really should, these people usually get all defensive or even worse --- practicing true ignorance, by pretending to be deaf and dumb. (Ironically, even the 'so-called' well-educated ones do that too!) And unfortunately, they usually keep on doing that until victims fall (like what happened in Palembang, for a perfect example.) Then they start taking it seriously, but only for a while. After that, they tend to forget such incidents easily and do it all over again. It's the same old story repeated. Old (bad) habits die hard. These days, I wonder if a good change is too impossible to be true... The Author

MY ROLLERCOASTER RIDE IN LIFE
I've been wanting to update an entry since like, a couple of days ago or so, but something else always came up. Yesterday, I had to do another more important thing: applying for a job online. Yes, people. Once again, I'm trying out for MRA Printed Media as a reporter. Like I've already told myself many times before: I'm no quitter. It's my dream job. I don't care how long it must take, as long as my ways are legal. I even wrote a sampling article for it. It was about: stalkers.:( And too bad, he's still bugging me. No more stupid text messages, but missed calls are still aggravating! Grrh!!:x I don't know what else to do but to keep ignoring him until he's bored to death or else. No, I'm not changing my number, although it's obviously the quickest, most logical solution. It's quite expensive, I know, but --- again --- that's not exactly the point. I'm not letting him win by doing that. I mean, he can waste his own cellphone credit on me, but I owe him no shit. I've already hinted that, but I guess the guy's either a complete loser, a total idiot, a pathetic psychopath, or worse...all in one.*rolls eyes* What a Goddamned shame. Ugh...*scoffs* And Hani's been more than helpful with this matter.:) She's helped me contact the right cellphone provider (although unfortunately, they said they couldn't block any number permanently regardless the owner's request.:|) She even gathered all her buddies around the country to threaten the stalker so he'd stop bugging me for good. But still, no use...:( *deep sigh* No news about The New Zealand International School that had interviewed me last week on Monday yet, so I decided to call them today. They said they'd let me know soon enough. Okay. Menti just told me that I-Radio (from MRA Broadcast Media) is also looking for new announcers and reporters.:D Alright! Well, the good thing is...my Indonesian version of short story "Snapshot" (Fotomu) is published in SPICE! this month.:D YAY! The Author

A NIGHT OF JAZZ EXPERIENCE
Last night, I attended the second day of Java Jazz Festival 2008 in Jakarta Convention Centre, Senayan, Central Jakarta. (It's from 7-9 March, 2008.) I am not ashamed to admit that my uncle gave free tickets for The Almost Twins (my two siblings) and me. (He even gave another for my sister's fiance.) Honestly, with my irregular income as a freelance writer, it's hard to buy a ticket to see a live musical performance. Jazz is the most expensive in the city, unless if it's run by local college students --- like the popular, annual event Jazz Goes To Campus in The Faculty of Economy of University of Indonesia. Not many jazz enthusiasts can afford to see the show here, unless if they're wealthy enough or having certain close 'connections' with its committee. I happen to be not much of a jazz enthusiast myself. I sometimes enjoy the music, but I don't have favourite musicians in that department. I also need to add my musical references. The very first moment my brother and I showed up at JCC, it was already sometime around seven. It was also very crowded. However, there were two things that really concerned me: 1.My people's constant littering habit. Okay, obviously --- this is an international show. The tickets are expensive and only the wealthy can buy. Many people showed up in their best outfits. Personally, I believe that they're also (supposed to be) well-educated enough. How come they were still littering? Cigarette butts, used tissues, plastic bottles...yuck! (And I thought my country has already agreed to join the worldwide 'go-green' campaign to stop global warming from getting worse. Ironic.) 2.'Calo' (the ticket scalpers). All the way from the parking lot to JCC, they were practically everywhere --- offering tickets twice the original price or even asking people to sell them the extra spares. Why did they exist undisturbed? Because this is just Indonesia. From tickets to out-of-town rides on public transportations to sports events and live concerts, they're there. A barricade of police officers stood to watch their surroundings, but they hardly minded the illegal ticket-sellers. Why? Well, they thought they had more crucial possibilities to worry about, like sudden mass riot, for example (although, as far as I've known from jazz history, that would barely happen --- unlike rock concerts --- eventhough beers were involved.) As my brother and I entered the building, another surprise awaited me. Despite the fact that the committee had prepared several different trash cans to support the 'go-green' campaign, I still saw people litter. The committee staff ended up doing their responsibility, picking up the trash and put them in the suitable cans. How come? A couple of years ago when I attended the same jazz festival, there were specific spots for smokers --- in order to tolerate other non-smoking audience. I guess such policy isn't used anymore, probably related to the sponsor's request --- although many audience brought their children along, even babies! Okay, I think I've stated the contradiction pretty clear. But despite all of that, the show went well. Local band Souleha performed with a touch of funk, bringing obvious excitement in the audience. Santamonica was electrifying, despite a little disturbed by some statics from the sound system. George Clinton rocked the stage with 'psychadelic' style. D'Sound from Norway gave their full performance, especially with their popular track used as a cellphone ad jingle "Talking Talking". The Author

SILENCE
"Silence is golden." Well, I'm sure most of us are already familiar with that phrase. We know that it means (there are times when) it's best for us to keep our mouths shut. Talk less --- or no talk at all. Listen more. After all, it's just our civil way to respect others while they're talking to us. Don't we all want to be heard? That's normal. Even when we feel like wanting to interrupt and share our thoughts to the other person, we must be careful. Does the other person easily feel intimidated by that? Do they even want to listen? Do they never want you to talk back? Do they believe that their wish is your command --- and you're expected to obey them all the time? "Is silence still golden? Should it be broken?" But what happens when it gets too much? What will we do when it becomes imbalanced? It's like, we're expected only to listen and obey, but never being heard and --- worst of all --- understood. What if they're way too powerful and selfish to see that our opinions are also important? And what if we silently feel that our rights have been rudely trampled on? Do we still want to keep quiet, eventhough it actually hurts? "If silence is (still) golden, then talking is 24-carat gold." If you know how to tackle this matter elegantly, then you won't end up being called just 'another big mouth'. Analyze the situations carefully. Choose your words wisely. If listening is a sign of respect for other people, then standing up for yourself is also one --- for you. But if they still don't listen, then that means they don't deserve any respect. After all, we're (supposed to be) equal here as human beings. The Author

THE BRAVEST WITH FEARS
I love reading Francine M.Pascal's "Fearless" series. The main fictional heroine --- Gaia Moore --- has genuinely impressed me. She reminds me a little of Jamie Summers in TV show "Bionic Woman". Gaia Moore is a girl born without the fear gene (which by the way, you can already tell from the obvious title). Imagine that. Once I wondered what it would feel like to be her for a day. Would that be so cool? Would I be safe from the jerks out there who just loved bullying women to show how tough they all could be? (Yeah, right.) Since I was a kid, I've been upset by society's awful perception about women: that they're mostly cowards but tolerable and even (considered) normal. Honestly? I HATE THAT! I was even bugged by a State governor (who was a popular Hollywood actor in the 90's) with his gender-biased statement long ago. He'd claimed that male politicians who were cowards were simply: "girly-men". (And I silently wonder what did really mean anyway.) Sadly, a lot of girls are (still) buying such degrading nonsense. It's like no matter how beautiful and intelligent they truly are, this awful perception has gradually made them believe that they must still depend on other people (especially guys!) just to make them more respected. I mean, how insecure can that really be? If these girls aren't careful enough (or waking up soon from the huge dosage of sleeping pills given freely by society), this will gradually lead them spiraling down to stagnation and --- fearfully --- nothingness. I must admit --- as a girl myself --- I've projected most of my anger toward society by becoming...a tomboy. I once had my hair cut extra short, rarely wore dresses and skirts, talked loud (and still do), etc. But soon, I realised that: "Why should I sacrifice my feminine side completely, just to prove people I'm also brave enough to face anything?" To this day, I sometimes still hate to admit that --- like most normal people in the world --- I do have my fears. I only feel comfortable talking about them with my few most trusted friends. In fact, I'm still often scared of showing people that I too have them. Silly, huh? Thankfully, I've had my good male buddies telling me the truth behind the (still) awfully gender-biased society. Guess what? They've openly admitted their fears to me. (To keep their trust, I'm not going to specify any names here.) One once feared of losing a cheating girlfriend (and now I'm forever thankful that he's finally made a sensible decision to end that unhealthy relationship.) Another feared of not being able to provide true happiness to his true love (and gratefully, they're now engaged.) They've all shared the same thing to me and it's changed my perception: "Even the bravest have fears. But that doesn't make them cowards, because only cowards who choose not to face their fears and fight." Knowing and believing that, I've begun to look at this issue more clearly. I believe that women are very good at being brave too, especially when they truly believe that themselves. What about our mothers who worry and may be scared of what can possibly happen to us in the future, eventhough they know that they can't always watch their kids 24/7? Or, a girl fearing that her adrenaline-junkie of a boyfriend might get in a serious accident in one of his dangerous activities --- related to extreme sports? From now on, I don't want to hear any insult on my kind. Why do women (seem to) fear a lot? It's because they care, not from cowardice. The Author

A LITTLE HOPE...
Of all the obstacles I've been having to go through a lot lately, God's given me a little hope today: A new international school in Kemang, South Jakarta just called me this morning.:) They said they wanted to offer me a job there --- as an assistant teacher for their primary classes. Yes, I've already sent them my job application since like, weeks ago or so. Well, I'll give it a try. What can I say? I'm still jobless and desperate. I badly need a ticket out of this financial dependence. I've made my final decision. No matter what, I must get out of my parents' --- as fast as I possibly can. Before my sister and her obnoxious fiance Gatot get married and start taking over my entire family --- I must already have my own place, freedom, and regain my sanity.:| And God, please do me a favour. This time, I don't want any more disappointments on my end. Honestly, I've had enough, thank you very much. The Author

ME VS. THE ANNOYING STALKER
That's it!:x I just can't stand this shit any longer. I must do something serious to put an end to this. I'm talking about a stalker that's been bugging me for weeks lately --- since January 27.:( Grrh! I know it was my own slight stupidity in a public place. I was sitting in a not-so-private cubicle of a cybercafe, typing my job resume --- not realizing that someone else had quietly sneaked behind my back and peeked in. I figured that was how he got my cellphone number.*blushes* Okay, so to shorten the story, his first text message came as utterly obnoxious --- mysterious and somewhat flirtatious, as if he was some so-called charming, harmless secret admirer wanting to get to know me. Yuck!:x Using Dad's cellphone (especially since my credit was out), I threatened him to stop bugging me and insisted that he must tell me just who the hell he was, what he wanted, and how he got my number. He replied my text, saying his name was Kurnia and he saw my number from the same cybercafe he was also in. (See?) And he said he just wanted to get to know me. (Oh, really? Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Whatever.) Freaked out by his blunt confession, I chose to ignore him. However, he didn't take my hint. He got upset by my indifference. He tried to make me feel bad for ignoring him through his text messages. I hated that (and still do.:|) I always delete them. I still get freaked out by his missed calls. Saturday nights are the worst. These days, I'm being extra cautious with calls from random numbers, fearing it might be him.:( Once I used Dad's cellphone again to text his, pretending to be Dad by telling him to: "Leave my daughter alone!" (And Dad didn't even know a damn thing about this.) No success. That creep ended up texting my cellphone back, telling me that I hurt his feelings with my rejection. (Say what?!:O I mean, WTF?!!:x) I believe I have the rights to reject and ignore him like that. Hell, I don't even need a reason! He's the one who absolutely has no rights at all. For me, this is not just a violation but also harrassment on my privacy!! :(... *deep sigh* I don't know what else to do now. I mean, I can seek revenge by spreading his number all over gay chatrooms.*big evil grin* My best friend Nick suggested that I try calling my local cellphone provider to ask them to have his number permanently blocked --- so he won't be able to contact mine anymore. (Is it possible?:( I surely hope so.) I'm tired of this. In case you're curious, here's the stalker's number: 62-8161139907 Look, I haven't really decided what to do, okay? But in the meantime, you can do whatever you like with that number. I don't care. So go ahead, amuse me.:P The Author

INDIVIDUAL ACTS AND SOCIETY'S RESPONSES
Just yesterday morning, I witnessed a scene on the bus. Ten rowdy middle school boys (in their white shirts and blue trousers --- their uniforms) jumped on the bus where I was, chattering annoyingly loudly. Some of them were even smoking. Impolitely, they shouted at the bus driver to move on. The bus driver didn't budge. Instead, he sternly told them, "I'm not moving until all of you kids pay me first!" Grumbling, the boys quickly collected the fees for the bus driver. After that, the bus finally moved again until their next destination. When the boys finally got off, I felt strangely relieved. Finally, it was quiet again. Honestly, I didn't care much about the teenagers. I've been down their road before, when all you want to do is mostly have fun and just be as carefree as you please. However, I'm also well-aware that not all teenagers are that ignorant. But still, I could understand why the bus driver was tad upset and rather...prejudiced. There have been common cases in Jakarta about a group of students getting on and off the bus --- without paying. Yep, they even run off easily, giggling as if what they're doing is normal and...funny. Well, the moral of the story is pretty simple: Is it true that what we do in our everyday society here only represents ourselves as individuals --- and not more than that? That incident already gives us a crystal clear example. How a group of ignorant and irresponsible students have somehow caused an angry bus driver to easily judge/label all students as just the same. Imagine that. I also remember another simple example. You see, I must shamefully admit that most Indonesians are...slackers. Some people even playfully (and sometimes meanly) joke about us as the human time-stretchers, because we often --- and almost always --- show up late and literally get ourselves behind planned schedules. Work starts at eight and we show up at after ten. We always have our excuses. (In Jakarta, heavy traffic is always to blame.) I was genuinely surprised by my friend Mary Jo's reaction when I showed up way early to hang out with her one night. She'd said at six and that was when I came. Her comment was, "Wow, you're on time. I thought all Indonesians wouldn't show up on time." It's a sad thing that bad examples are more easily followed, just because we all still tend to think that it's okay, everybody else is doing it. If that is the case, then what about those who want to give the good ones to the community? Are they not (considered) part of "everybody" we are referring to? Are they not representatives enough? The Author

ALL I WANT IS EVERYTHING :P
What I've been wanting badly ( but still not getting any! ) : 1.A job. 2.More money. (Note: I don't have to be so filthy rich like Paris Hilton, but at least it should be enough to make my parents stop fighting constantly about money and everything, pay our debts, support my writing career more, and...get me my own place, so that The Bratty Couple can have my family in that house all to themselves --- once they get married in July 6 and move in. Now, am I asking for too much here?:|) 3.My own place to live in. (Note: without no.2 above, I won't get to have it. At all.*rolls eyes*) For those of you who think I'm being unrealistic, raise your hands.:( The Author

WASTED...
Again, I still feel so wasted. I've just finished reading "Marshmallow Coklat" by.Ken Terate. (And sadly, teenlits always make me want to go back to my teenage years --- eventhough they weren't as glorious as I hoped it would've been.:|) And I've also just watched "Heroes" on TV.:) You know, I wish I could be like that kid Micah Sanders. I could rob an ATM here.*giggles* *big evil grin* Okay, enough with that.:| Back to reality. I'm still looking for a job. (Well, what else is new?*rolls eyes*) Mom's been dragging The Almost Twins all around the town for building surveys for my sister's wedding with...him.:| You know who. I'm still avoiding him these days. The obnoxious groom-to-be. The Author

A STATE OF OBVIOUS UNHAPPINESS
"Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day? Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away? Wouldn't it be good to be on your side? The grass is always greener over there. Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?" ("WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD?" - Nik Kershaw) Today is just another day when I feel most unhappy being myself.:( I'm sorry. I know this sounds awfully pathetic to you, but still painfully true. How wasted can I ever really get myself these days? I'm still jobless, but (made) busy for other people. (How ironic is that?) The Bratty Couple's wedding will take place sometime around June or July. And I'm still not getting away out of here. Chained to this unwanted reality. The Author

FOR MOST 25+ YEAR-OLD SINGLE GIRLS:
This is what you can do to dodge their most annoying questions about your (still) single status: "Do you have a boyfriend?" "No." "Are you still looking?" "Hmm, not really." In other words: you're actually still looking, but NOT that desperate --- as if you must meet a certain deadline your society strictly creates. "Why?" "Why?" "Yeah, why?" "I don't know. What do you think?" Shrug your shoulders. Whether you may or may not answer, that doesn't make them come up easily with a perfect solution for your problem. Well, if being single is even really called a 'problem'. "If you're not even interested in looking or wanting to try, then how come you will ever get married?" "First things first, okay? Love, dating, and even marriage aren't exactly like racing cars!" "How sarcastic. But just remember: tick...tock...tick...tock..." "If you're referring to my biological clock, I've studied little biology in school. So thanks for your reminder." "How sarcastic." "Whatever." Roll your eyes as you may. "So, when?" "When what?" "When is your turn?" "When is my turn to what?" "Get married!" "Get married?" "Yes. Don't you want to?" "Of course." But without this stupid social pressure, please! "Then, why is it so hard for you to answer a very simple question?" "Should I?" "Of course." "Okay, here we go." Take a deep breath. "My answer is: a.'Soon'. b.'May...maybe yes, maybe no.' c.'Umm, when is exactly do you want?' d.'Well, what do you think?' " You may take your pick, or be more creative than me.:P The Author

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR MOST ANNOYING SECRET ADMIRERS (ALIAS STALKERS):
1.If a complete stranger says they really want to get to know you, the most polite way is to do it face-to-face --- with a friendly smile, a civil attitude, and respect for personal space to keep you from feeling intimidated. Or, if it's by telephone or via e-mail address --- they must introduce themselves properly first, including informing you where they get your number and e-mail address from, and also letting you know their true intentions. As romantic as the whole idea may sound, not all secret admirers are safe. Please remember, this is not your favourite Hollywood blockbuster. If they intend on being mysterious in the first place, then you must question yourself about really trusting them. 2.If you're not feeling comfortable with them already, it's alright to back off and say no. Never feel bad about politely declining them and just moving on. For your own safety, ignorance is surely bliss. You have the right. 3.But if you're interested in finding out about them (especially if you love mystery-solving), don't do it alone. Notify your trusted friends, until you're 100% sure that the stranger you want to get to know is really safe --- even if your true intention is only to 'just' have fun. Remember to alert your local authority in case things get unexpectedly un-cool. 4.If the stranger claims that they receive your personal number and e-mail address from someone you already know, ask them to specify the name. If they won't or give you an unfamiliar one, never trust them again. But if they do, ask your mentioned friend for a valid confirmation. From there, you can tell if it's safe to acknowledge them as a new friend or not. 5.If your most polite rejection doesn't work, ignore them until they get bored. If they still have a life and call themselves 'normal', I'm sure they'll stop bugging you. But never let them make you feel bad for ignoring them. They have absolutely no rights in violating your privacy in the first place! 6.If it gets too much, you have no choice but to have to switch to a new number and e-mail address --- at least for a while until the terror stops permanently. If they still scare you in any way (like telling you they know where you live and will do horrible things to you and the people you care about), contact your local authority for further help and alert your family and friends. Make sure you also still have proofs (like un-deleted text messages and the copy of threat mails) to show them. Let the police do their job, while you might want to avoid going out alone for a while. 7.Mind your surroundings. Try not to reveal your most personal identity in public places so the strangers can also see (especially ONLINE!) 8.Know your neighbours. That way, you can get more help to watch over you. 9.Know how to self-defense is a very important bonus, because no one can always protect you 24/7. The Author

DESPAIR AND NUMBNESS
"Surga begitu sepi Tapi aku ingin tetap di sini Karena kuingat janji-Mu, Tuhan Kalau aku datang dengan berjalan ENGKAU akan menjemputku dengan berlari-lari." (The heaven is so quiet But I still want to be here 'Cause I remember Your promise, God If I come walking to You YOU will come running to me.) from: "Aku Bermimpi Melihat Surga" (I Dream of Seeing Heaven) by.Andrea Hirata (from "Laskar Pelangi" / The Rainbow Soldiers) Dearest God, I know that I've never really been a good girl lately.:( For that, I am truly sorry. May You always have Your mercy on me. Dear God, These days have been the hardest for me. If my father's no longer reliable as the head of my family, then why am I still jobless and useless here? Why haven't You answered my prayers yet? It's not that I haven't tried my hardest enough to get a job here. If I come running to You, will You come flying down to pick me up? I know this sounds like a faith crisis. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Am I asking for way too much here? Do I deserve Your priceless, yet also endless favour? God, It's been a long while since the very last time my mother and I really 'talked'.:( Ironically, I am missing her a lot --- eventhough she's still around and I can see her. What's going on here lately? I don't want to exaggerate things or have any prejudice about anybody, but I also can't pretend that everything is still okay and the same as before. I know I'm not the only one feeling this, because I've had other witnesses say the same thing. What have I done seriously wrong to my mother, God?:( If I have, then how come I don't know? Why won't she tell me? Why won't she even be interested in listening to me anymore? Have I been nothing more than a mere disappointment in her life? These days, her smiles and devoted attention are only for both of them. My sister and Gatot.:( They're going to have their engagement party on February 10, and I can't escape that day. If only he were much nicer and not treating my entire family members like fucking slaves that have to serve his needs, then I wouldn't feel this way. Of course, I won't get in their way. It's their call. These days, I only need a stable job for me and a place to live alone --- not under the same roof with them. But why aren't You answering my prayers? I'm sick and tired of waiting for my chances. I'm sorry, but I can't stand this anymore. Thank You. The Author

FLAWLESS = WHITE , WHITE = FLAWLESS???
These days, there are no more clear barriers between films and commercials. A commercial can tell the story of a brand like a film does, and vice versa. Personally, I don't mind. I enjoy creativity, though. However, I find myself personally disturbed at a series of a commercial in my local TV stations lately. No, I'm not going to specifically name the brand. But, if you've seen it like I have, I'm sure you'll know. It's a series of commercials about a whitening lotion that promises women that they will look flawless. Get the key words? Flawless white. Part 1: A couple bid farewell to each other at an airport. The girl gives the guy one of the pair necklaces with half a heart pendant that can be joined with the other. Five years after, the girl is still on her own. But one day, she passes a couple by on the street. Surprisingly, it's her old boyfriend from the past. He catches her staring at him and suddenly feels familiar with her. However, the new girlfriend notices and somehow feels jealous and insecure. She drags him away from the gloomy old girlfriend. Realising the reason he only vaguely recognizes her, the old girlfriend looks in the mirror and tries the whitening lotion... - to be continued- Part 2: The guy and his new girlfriend visit a jewelry store. They're looking at the rings in the glassy counter. However, when he picks a ring for her, she suddenly lashes out and shows him another with a diamond on it. Then she storms out of the store, leaving him upset. Then, he visits a flower store alone. To his surprise, his long-lost ex is working there. (Of course, she's already put the lotion on so she doesn't look gloomy anymore.) The unexpected encounter surprises her too. They both smile at each other and begin a small chat merrily like old friends. After buying the flowers, he leaves. She looks so sad. The guy and his bitchy, materialistic girlfriend are having candle-light dinner at the fancy restaurant. It is obvious that he wants to propose her. But meanwhile, the sad ex-girlfriend at home is staring at her cellphone. Her text message is: "I still love you." Then the guy's cellphone suddenly beeps, distracting him from his thoughts. -to be continued- Part 3: The guy checks his cellphone and reads a message from his ex: "I hope you'll always be happy." Doubt shatters his confidence. He quickly excuses himself away, leaving his cellphone on the table and his girlfriend alone. Her eyes radiates suspicion and distaste. At home, the ex-girlfriend receives a hurtful reply from his cell: "I never want to see you again." She cries miserably. Heartbroken, she frantically packs her bag and dumps her old picture with him into the trash-can. Looks like she's going somewhere. Back at the restaurant, the bitch puts his cellphone back on the table with a deviously satisfying smile and the evil glint in her cat-like eyes. But after that, the guy is at home alone --- looking at his cellphone in dismay. -to be continued- Part 4: It turns out that he knows what his girlfriend's done. The last message is still in 'sent items'. Then the couple argue about it. As they pass the sad ex-girlfriend from a different escalator, he looks at her but she looks away. The bitch notices that again and slaps him in the face. It's over. After that, he chases after his ex at the airport. When they come face-to-face, he grabs her arm --- his sappy-looking eyes obviously begging for forgiveness and another chance. She uselessly tries to push him away, but stops as her fingers meet the familiar pendant around his neck. It's the necklace she gave him five years ago. She simply breaks down and cries. He takes her in his arms. All is simply forgiven and the old relationship renewed. -to be continued- So far, that's the only they've already made. Despite my genuine appreciation on their creativity, I can't help but feeling seriously irritated at the whole 'soap-opera' kind of scenes. Why? The key words of the bran already bugs me too much. Does being (considered) flawless only mean having picture-perfect, Snow White complexion? If a girl doesn't look as fair as your favourite princess character in a bedtime story, does that mean she has the flaws? Once again, patriarchy has played another fine role in degrading women and making them feel more insecure about themselves. My friend Hani said one day, "That stupid commercial is fooling women. They're describing women as pathetic characters. One's cunning and materialistic, the other's passive-submissive. And they're silently competing over one guy who can possibly be a jerk and do whatever the hell he likes with both of them. That's clearly unacceptable, because their message is crystal-clear: 'All women must always be prettier to satisfy men. If you want to be considered pretty, you have to be tall and slim, with picture-perfect fair complexion.' Gender-biased is what I see in it." You may think that she and I are just taking it too seriously or being overly sensitive. Sadly, there are still many women out there who seem to take it (too) lightly and unaware of the pshycological 'side effects'. It's just a commercial, they might say. Even my aunt Menti jokingly commented, "It's up to the director, not you." Well, hypothetically --- if I were that ex-girlfriend, I'd use the lotion and simply find another (much) better guy after that. Then I'd show him to my ex, so he'd feel sorry for having ditched me for another girl. It sounds pretty vengeful to you, but I think it'll look so much better --- like portraying more 'power' in a woman. After all, that's what most scorned women will normally do. But hey, maybe that's just me. In reality, I'm just an ordinary tomboy with no sheer interest in becoming a diva. Maybe I'm a sarcastic feminist too, but definitely not bitter. I know I'm not tall and slim, but my tan is perfect for tropical weather. I just want my kind to be portrayed with more respect and dignity. The Author

BATTLING THE BLOCK
Once again, I've wanted to write something yesterday, but something else came up. I'm not going to specify the reason here, but it was enough to completely destroy my focus again. It sucks for most writers. Most of us are already familiar with its common name. The writer's block. Some call it 'mood swings' (and it turns out that not only women with PMS/PMT tend to have it. Ha!) It's like there's a hurricane inside our brains, shadowing our sense of creativity. Many of us say it's because we're already too busy with real life. Unfortunately, once we find our free time, we're already too exhausted from our recent activities in life. Or worse, we're caught up with our own emotional issues that --- somehow --- leave us unable to even scribble a word or two. "Mood swings isn't an excuse," claimed Andrea Hirata, a nationally successful Indonesian author of "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers). "Once you have your strong will, you must do all you can to maintain and nothing should ever beat that." Well, what if we do have our strong will, but our writings still come out...unpleasant? My best friend Tiger once complained about not being able to complete one of his musical compositions. (He's a musician.) Whenever he tried to come up with a verse, it always sounded similar to other already popular songs he knows. Those were the hardest times for him and his creativity. What did I tell him? Well, I suddenly remembered what I read about the band Creed. (Too bad they broke up.) Lead-singer Scott Stapp told the media that --- in order to create fresh, powerful songs --- the band always spent about three months without listening to any music. That way, they could concentrate a lot without the interference of old, familiar tunes and lyrics in their heads. I thought that was a pretty catchy advice (although still, it's easier said than done.) Did he really follow that advice? I don't know. I never ask again. It's all up to him. After all, I just wanted to be a helpful friend. Then, what about me? Perhaps, I shouldn't write this for too long now. Maintaining my energy is very important. Finding my free time without feeling too exhausted to do anything more is quite challenging these days. But could I stop reading and watching anything for a while, just until my new writing is successfully produced? And could I also avoid listening to soundtracks which movies I've watched before, so their old plots wouldn't alter my creativity process? And will it work? Good question. The Author

THE LONGEST ENTRY
Alright, when was the last time I really wrote in here?:P I know, it's been a long time. Lately, I've hardly had time for myself. Always for other people (my family and friends). Well, that's okay, as long as I'm still productive and not lethargic. But still, I miss my solitude. (And I'm stealing some of my so-little-free-time these days to write in here. Hehe.) Yesterday, I bought my favourite local newspaper KOMPAS again. I'm also still catching up on Andrea Hirata's "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers). I borrowed that from Hani like, weeks ago. It's her favourite.:) I'm not surprised, because the story is really enchanting. It's actually a non-fiction, based on the author's childhood memories in a school for the poor children. Despite their very, very unfortunate situations back then, ten students (the author and his nine friends) still got to have fun and be grateful about life. Truly inspiring.:D Well, I also still help around in the catering business. (These days, it's still the only way for me to earn money. For now, because I'm still looking for my dream job.:|) I have tons of ideas here inside my head, waiting to be written and desperately wanting to come out --- like those little blue pixies in cages during Professor Gilderoy Lockhart's class in "Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets".*giggles* Well, I must be able to concentrate well, even when I get my quiet solitude. Which means, I'm not letting myself get exhausted when the day ends.:| It's pretty tough, but that's what I'm mostly doing lately. *deep sigh* Just yesterday, all my Indonesian fellows and I were shocked by the news about the death of our former second president Soeharto.:O Right after spending about 24 days in RSPP (Rumah Sakit Pusat Pertamina - Pertamina's Central Hospital), South Jakarta --- Soeharto finally passed away at 1:10 pm yesterday. He was 86 years old (1921 - 2008 --> his birthday was June 21). Multi-organ failures, the doctors had told the mass media during yesterday's press conference. And just today, before Zuhur prayer, he was buried next to his late wife Mrs.Tien Soeharto's tomb. The funeral took place in Astana Giri Bangun, Karanganyar, Central Java. Well, I don't know what to say about this. The only time I ever got to really talk to him personally (and no, I am so not kidding you all here!) was a very long time ago --- back when I was still a third-grade student. Both my parents worked in IBM, and this company ran an event to introduce fun and educative computer programs for kids. My sister and I were the players too, wearing our school uniforms to show people where we studied. I guess fate had worked in funny ways, because at that time: 1.Mom had suggested us girls to wear the green batik shirts and green skirts for that day, but my sister preferred her regular white shirt. (In our Islamic private grade school, white shirts were for every Monday to Wednesday and Friday --- while the green batik one was only for Thursday attendances.) Mom's instinct had probably been awesome, because I looked strikingly different in it --- among the other kids in white. 2.I was meant to play the drawing program in the computer, but another kid wanted to trade that with his 'boring' program. I didn't mind, though, because the 'health-meter' wasn't as boring as he claimed. I was more interested in it as I began typing. (Although it didn't really help me with my poor math skills, because it was also like a calculator.) I got to know people's health-issues (like how I cringed at the computer's advice for me to reduce eating "ice-cream, chocolate, and sweets" and Dad's obesity problem.*big evil grin*) When that event took place in TMII (Taman Mini Indonesia Indah - Indonesia's Beautiful Mini Park), Soeharto showed up with his wife and Vice President Soedarmono (and of course, a battalion of special government agents!) Surprisingly, they just passed the other kids and came straight to my corner. Thump! my heart had skipped a beat. Dad calmly told me that Mr.President wanted to try the program. "Okay," I'd timidly replied. Soeharto had bent down next to me and I began asking him questions according to the electronic questionnaire. I was silently surprised at my own calmness. He was also being very friendly, as if I was his own granddaughter. But, when I got to the age section, I hesitated for a moment. Why? Because I'd been taught that it was (considered) impolite to ask someone older than you about their age. And my childlike mind simply worried that I might've insulted The President with that question. Oh, well. I looked up to his friendly, smiling face with my own shy smile --- but shot the question anyway. "How old are you, Sir?" They all laughed spontaneously. I was a little embarrassed, but thankfully --- Soeharto was still smiling at me. Then he answered: "Sixty-eight." I typed the digits and pressed enter. os record came out well. He looked satisfied to see he was still considered healthy, although he wasn't exactly that athletic anymore. Through my innocent eyes, that was how I'd seen him. The Author

OUR SOLITARY MOMENTS
Actually, I've been wanting to write this since a couple of days ago. Yes, January 22nd was also my best friend Tiger's 22nd birthday. I've also planned to send him a cute e-card like the one he sent me last year on my...um, 26th birthday. (Fyi, I hate feeling old and also to be reminded of that clearly unavoidable fact!) However, the plan just didn't go well. As ridiculous as it may sound to you, I didn't have the time. (Of course, eventhough I'm technically still jobless now, I still help around in my family's catering business.) In the end, I just texted his cellphone, wishing him a happy birthday and that he'd grow wiser. Typical. Cliche, but at least he knew that I still remembered and cared. He replied my text message, saying thanks and hoping that we could catch up with each other's latest news soon enough. I supposed that he was still busy. At times, like this, I miss being alone. No, please don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean I don't need anybody else around me. We know that connecting ourselves to other people is very important. However, it's also important to have our solitary moments as well. Some of us like to call that our "me-times". It's those times when we (get to) have our break from the world, only to indulge ourselves in our favourite activities/hobbies --- or even just to relax for a while. Our religious sides also long to use such rare times (especially these days) to pray and get 'closer and more personal' to God --- completely uninterrupted by distractive mortal noises. Our solitary moments can also be good for us to truly reflect on our inner-selves --- and not just through other people's eyes. Some of us may say, "There's no way that I can ever really be alone. I can't live without other people." True, we still do need them. But, is it that possible for us to get stuck with them 24/7, including having to hear their endless complaints and demands for attention? I believe there are times when we just want to escape and disappear for a while, only to be able to listen to our own voices within. That doesn't necessarily mean we want to forever exclude ourselves from other people and become anti-socials. No, because we can always rejoin the crowd when we're feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and --- more importantly --- ready for the world all over again. After all, we need balance. Not just for today, we must remain grateful of our times with other people (especially friends and loved ones) as well as with just ourselves. Why? We can still make our solitary times feel less like lonely times by doing positive things to make ourselves (still) feel happy. Then maybe (and hopefully), we can tell ourselves, "I'm alone for now, but not lonely. This is just my temporary escapade from the world. I'll be back soon." The Author

THE SILENT CHAOS
My head feels overloaded today. I am thinking too much. There are so many things I badly want to do, but so little time. I can't just stay still. I'm very anxious. I must keep moving forward, no matter what. Hmm, let's see. How was my part-time job helping "Snowballs" with their event in Kemang a couple of days ago? Please, don't even ask.:( I sucked at the job, but maybe because it was also my very first time.*blushes* I'm not good with girly-accessories. I'm still not that good dealing with little kids. (I know patience is the key, but mine seems to be rather...thin as a paper.:|) I just needed the money. And I still do. (Well, just who the hell am I even trying to kid here?*rolls eyes*) Well, the catering orders have started again this week. I help? Of course. I'm also still looking for my dream job alone (especially since it's painfully obvious that I can't rely on Gatot's empty promise.*rolls eyes* Oh, whatever. I must still do this on my own anyway.*shrugs*) Tomorrow, I'm going to go to The Indian Embassy in Kuningan with Hani and Mbak Bina. Hani's looking for more information about The Arts and Cultural Scholarship they offer. Me? I'm just resting my brain for a while. I think I'm entitled to --- even for just once in a while.:P *deep sigh* The Author

POPULARITY: FAMOUS OR NOTORIOUS?
Watching teen-flicks like Lindsay Lohan's "Mean Girls" truly gives me the creeps. That first statement might surprise some of you a bit, knowing it's not a horror movie and even when you have already watched it too. But, regarding what we've mostly seen nowadays, that sounds quite sensible and relevant. These days, it seems that many of us --- unconsciously or not --- are gradually drawn into a popularity contest. Although being competitive is natural for human beings, sometimes we tend to forget (or choose to ignore) that we can get things out of proportion. Like some celebrities we all know from our favourite magazines or tabloids, entertainment channels, and regular gossip sessions with our friends in school and at work. Some normally maintain their 'honourable' existence by upgrading their abilities; whether it's starring in more blockbuster movies, producing more best-selling record albums, writing and publishing best-selling novels or even autobiographies, or regularly showing up in social functions and trendy hang-out spots. Others can do something unusual and maybe rather outrageous, like; fighting with other celebrities in public, getting drunk at parties, or even (gasp!) showing the world that they forget to wear their underwears. Perhaps, we don't need to look that far. We may look our surroundings. Check out our own communities, whether in offices or schools. Do we spot those who are (considered) popular? What makes them so famous? Is it because how they look like and dress up? Is it what they do, like how they interact with other people? Or is it because they obviously have followers --- groupies who want to get closer and be like them? Are there those who envy them so much, and only want them down or steal their spotlight --- right there, on the centre of this stage? Or is it all of the above? We may point things out as we desire. Do we want to be famous too? (Of course, who doesn't, right?) But, what kind of popularity do we wish to achieve? There are ways to go out there. There are talent searches and reality shows on TV that give us promises for quick fame and idol status. There are paths to get us noticed. Or, we can start getting to know people around us more, joining a community, and participating in social events. It's all up to us to begin our search, our journey to fame --- but the results are always up to how they perceive us as individual characters. Of course, in our search, we have different purposes, specific goals to accomplish. Some of us are looking for more money (or, should we say, financial independence) and power. Some are expecting appreciation and more respect from others. Some are longing for social acceptance to cure their inner anxiety and insecurity. Some are even only longing for friendship and love to avoid feeling lonely. Some just want it all...more and more. That's alright, as long as we can still separate the difference between true popularity from just being plainly...notorious. But of course, there are some of us already satisfied enough by just being who they really are. They just want simple things, like doing good and being good to themselves and others. Oprah Winfrey's even said in one of her episodes that all she ever wanted was to serve other people with good intentions. After all, each of us is unique. Through hard (and decent) work comes success, but only those few who truly deserve popularity. Once again, we may pick whom as we wish. The Author

SUNDAY BLUES
"How's everything in your country?" "Things are still pretty tense with the coming election around here. Keep me in your prayers, okay?:)" "Always.:)" Yes, Tiger.:| Always. Although I rarely show you that, I am silently worried about you. I hope you are always safe. I hope you'll return to Manchester soon to start college again. .......................... *deep sigh* I received that message from Tiger about a couple of days ago. Thank God.:) Well, how am I doing today? Pretty good, I guess.*shrugs* Just this morning, Dad was nonsensically pissed off about the overly-filled trash-can in our house and Mom just rolled her eyes in obvious annoyance, secretly whispering to me: "Doesn't he do anything else besides overly complaining about mundane stuff?" *scoffs* Yeah, Mom. I have to agree. Maybe next time I'll have my own trash-can, so he can just keep his.*rolls eyes* And my sister just told me this morning that Gatot still hasn't delivered my resume, because...his friend Sem Purba is still in Bangkok.:| When will he return? .......................... *sighs* Whatever. I have no more time and energy to overly fuss about it. I'm still looking for other opportunities, though.*shrugs* Keep moving forward. Well, thankfully...I'm going to be busy tomorrow.:P Delivering catering orders at seven in the morning and preparing myself for the next short assignment at one with the crew of "Snowballs" in Kemang, South Jakarta. And I am sure it's going to be a long day. The Author

THE WAITING
Although my family's restaurant is officially closed, we still have our catering business to hold on to. I still help around, but am also working on my own personal goals. I'm still searching for my dream career, not just a job. A couple of days ago, I asked my sister's boyfriend Gatot if he had delivered my job resume to his friend --- SPICE!'s senior editor Sem Purba --- at MRA Printed Media. His answer? "Tomorrow." "Okay. Thanks." Make sure you really do it quick before someone else gets my dream job, I believe my glaring eyes had silently radiated that to his startled-deer ones. Or you can lose that tiny expectation of yours of having me act nicer to you. Besides, you've offered to help in the first place anyway. And I took it dead seriously. *big evil grin* Ha!:P Honestly, I kind of enjoyed that. Hehe. I also wanted to make sure that it really was his good intention, not just a boast to particularly impress Mom and my whole family even more.*scoffs* Yeah, I know he and I just don't get along since the very beginning. I admit that it's still very difficult for me to really like him like most people around me obviously do (which is why my world's been like my own personal Twilight Zone since he's around.) But I still want to be fair (and also, working in MRA Printed Media is what I truly, badly desire.:|) That night, Dad's relatives came to our house in Tanah Kusir, South Jakarta to celebrate Islamic New Year of Muharram. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling well. I kept sneezing and feeling all woozy. It was probably my allergy to dust.:( I'd been asleep since eight and finally woken up at eleven. I'd stuck around with my family, including my cousins Andin and Mira. We watched this horror flick on TV called "She Creature" --- starring Rufus Sewell (I saw this guy as the leading antagonist in "Bless The Child"). It was based on a mythology of mermaids (and no, they weren't as sweet-mannered and beautiful as redheaded Ariel in Walt Disney's "Little Mermaid".:P) Since yesterday was a public holiday, I'd decided to cut Gatot some slack. But when I told Mom today about my still unsent job resume, she just lightly said, "Relax. At least he's already told his friend there about you. I'm sure you'll get your chance." I hope so too, Mom. I seriously do. The Author

THE IDEA OF A HAPPY LIFE
"What's your idea of a happy life?" Just this morning, I tuned in to 87.6 Hard Rock FM to listen to my favourite local radio talkshow "The Powder Room". Today, they discussed about that question I just started in the first paragraph. As usual, the listeners could text their opinions to be announced on the air. Then, what was my answer? Honestly, it's actually one of the hardest (rethorical) questions. It's not really the same with: "What can make you feel happy?" or "What makes you happy?" Confusing? Maybe. All I know that it took me about fifteen minutes before finally texting my answer. And it wasn't exactly that accurate nor even satisfying --- at least to myself. I figured I didn't want to give a heavily serious answer that might've possibly caused the other listeners to have serious headaches in the morning. So, just for fun, my answer was: "My idea of a happy life is to live without debts and gain financial stability through (freelance) writing." Sounds a little too idealistic to you? Well, it sounds pretty simple to me, although I'm not sure if it also can be (considered) realistic enough. Well, after that, I think that the question can have many different answers. I believe it all depends on what we all really need in life to cure inner anxiety. The list can go on endlessly like our New Year's resolutions if we wish. An insecure teenager's idea of a much happier life is to be more popular in school and (considered) cool enough. A poor's idea of it is to become rich, while the rich's idea is to become richer. The lonely needs company. And sometimes, even the most commited soul in their community longs for solitude to balance their life. But is it possible that we can fully satisfy ourselves with just a little idea of two for a happier life? Are we sure we won't ask for more, like a greedy rich corruptor eating up the common citizen's rights in the country? Maybe, I was supposed to make it less complicated than it should've been. But sometimes, the simplest thing turns out to be the hardest. Like this: "The real idea for a happy life is to stay happy despite the obstacles in real life and be able to also create happiness for other people." Sounds too idealistic to you? Well, I hope not. Besides, isn't happiness what we really need? The Author

THE HOPE
Alright, since I'm officially (still) jobless these days, I'm afraid it's going to be pretty damn hard for me to keep updating my entries as often as I usually do.:| I know it sucks, but there's really not much that I can do right now. I'm still looking for a new job, so...there.:P (Great. Now I'm starting to sound less like myself and more like someone else I know.*giggles* Don't worry, Nick. I don't mean it as a bad thing.;) Besides, you're that special, do you know that?) First of all, good news.:D A few days ago, I finally got to read a message from Tiger, saying he was alright. He's still in Quetta with his family and going to return to UK sometime in the middle of this month. Good for him. He thanked God he wasn't around Karachi nor Sindh when that awful tragedy took place.:| *deep sigh* Alhamdulillah. God, please keep protecting him from any harm. Last Thursday, I hung out with Hani and Mary Jo in Plaza Semanggi and Senayan City. But then, Mary Jo had to leave early, so Hani and I carried on to Plaza Senayan. We hung out until five and then grabbed an early dinner at McDonald's in Senayan Trade Centre. Then we went our separate ways. Just yesterday, Yuki suddenly texted my cellphone, wondering if we could meet before she'd return to Bandung. She and I ended up hanging out all day in Blok M Plaza, having a late lunch in "Es Teler 77" and just mostly roaming around. She told me about her trip to Taiwan, including her hilarious adventure with a fun, crazy American college boy named Max. (LOL!!:P) Her tale really cracked me up. Then we went to Gunung Agung Bookstore. I couldn't resist buying "Marshmallow Coklat" by.Ken Terate, a sequel from her first successful teenlit "My Friends, My Dreams".*gulps* I even told Yuki this: "Don't worry, I will get my new job soon after this." Yuki giggled. "Cool, and then you can make more money again." *big evil grin* Okay, bef